#plus i’ve been a bad moot and have missed some stuff

[suashii]

time to knock out, see y’all tomorrow ✌🏽

[army-of-mai-lovers]

Tell us about your current project(s)  – what’s it about, how’s progress, what do you love most about it?

oh my gosh I have so many I’m literally incapable of sticking to one or two projects at once this list is going to be so long ahhh ok

keep the world at bay- Avatar Sokka au/nonbender Zuko au/Yue lives au/Jet lives au/Azula redemption au....she has layers (unsurprisingly, she’s projected to be 200k). basically, Aang didn’t go into the iceberg and grew up during the beginning of the Hundred Year War and spent most of his life trying to end it, but then he disappeared and there was a 40 year gap between his disappearance and the surfacing of the Water Tribe Avatar, Sokka. this fic frustrates me to no end sometimes but I really really love it. I am a bit of a nerd about writing, but there are some things that I’m really nerdy about within writing and alternate history stories is one of those things. I have a google doc with pages and pages and pages of text about what happened in between the first Sozin’s Comet and the start of the fic, and how this all ties in thematically, and this is all like, exactly the kind of stuff I live for. it’s self-indulgent as hell but I love it. I just posted earlier this week that the hiatus on the new chapter for this fic was going to be even longer and now I’m working on chapter 14 so...yeah I change my mind on a whim what about it? 

not ready to make nice- Jet lives au, one of my only fics in which Jet is not affiliated with a coffee/teashop in some way. basically, he wakes up in an apartment of Ba Sing Se after the events of Crossroads of Destiny, severely injured but alive, and finds out that Smellerbee and Longshot have been taken. even though there are three jail/prison break scenes in 9 chapters, it’s a very slow, very intense character study kind of fic exploring Jet’s many many traumas and how he learns to love himself enough to survive and thrive. fun fact: this fic was part of my six month plan to slowly convert people into jetru shippers, and right after I started it everybody started shippng jetru and the whole plan became moot (this is also why Haru doesn’t get introduced until ch 7) 

like ripples, like love- wuko enemies to lovers coffeeshop au, featuring background korrasami, bopal, jetru, and zukka. also probably the weirdest experience I’ve ever had being inspired for a fic--I made a couple jokes about how the perfect wuko fic would be a 200k enemies to lovers coffeeshop au in which Mako is the employee and Wu is a Karen, and then some of my mutuals were like “yo I’d read that fic” and I was like “lmao ok I’m not doing it” and three months later I have a 75k wuko enemies to lovers coffeeshop au, so...joke’s on me I guess. I really love the opportunity to be funny in a fic, honestly. my canonverse stuff is kinda depressing, and considering both the world and the atla fandom are dumpster fires, it’s really nice to just make something fun and lighthearted. this fic is also set in Hong Kong, which initially was me trying to be more responsible as a member of a fandom for a show based on Asian and Indigenous cultures, but it has grown into me just being interested in Hong Kong culture. I’ve done a lot of research for this fic and I’ve enjoyed all of it. I never would have listened to Chet Lam or Leslie Cheung or AGA if it weren’t for this fic, and I never would have read about Jessica Park and the Transgender Equality and Acceptance Movement. All of this has really enriched my understanding of queer culture and queer organizing outside of the US and it makes me really happy that I’ve gotten the opportunity to learn about all of this stuff. just posted ch 2, will probably post ch 3 soon!

it’s only a paper moon- yueki fic in which Suki talks to Yue (the moon) while she’s at Boiling Rock, and falls in love with her through these conversations. this is one of the first straight up angst things I’m writing (read: angst w/o a happy ending) and as someone who adores yueki being able to write about them in a variety of situations is really fun. also, it’s Suki pov and ngl Suki pov is my favorite pov to write. I love her so much and I love deconstructing her and making her vulnerable (instead of the invincible queen that everybody stans but nobody takes the time to treat like a human being) 

on my honor- probably the only straight up zukka fic I will ever write. It’s a donnaverse fic, set a few months after the events of bad girls and love will always find you, and Sokka and Zuko compete to be the biggest fans/supporters of their friends and sisters by having a Kyoshi merch arms race. I love donnaverse everything so I’m really excited about this, plus this fic has a lot of Sokka & Aang and Sokka & Haru and Sokka & Jet (and it features Jet and Haru’s first meeting). also, Zuko the Douchebag! so few zukka fics feature Zuko the Douchebag and I miss him I want him back. the whole point of Zuko is the character development so if I’m writing a zukka fic it’s got to have Zuko developing and becoming a better human. 

and finally....

Super Secret Zone Collaboration fic- [REDACTED]

fanfic meta ask game!

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day Three Hundred Sixty: Aftermath ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uchiha Itachi, Uchiha Shisui, Hyūga Neji, Hyūga Hanabi, Uchiha Fugaku, Shimura Danzō ] [ SasuHina, death, blood, gore, child death ] [ Verse: Then It All Went Wrong ] [ AO3 Link ]

“And so the diseased branches find themselves severed and burned at last.”

Arms bound behind his back with chakra-sealing shackles, Fugaku is shoved to his knees, spine slumped as his exhaustion steals his posture. The ropes are up above his elbows, his severed hand meaning his wrists are no longer viable to hold him. Blood from a split in his brow seeps down over an eye, running down his cheek to drip from his chin to the floor.

From his hunched position, he can see the sandals of his captor, and the urge to spit is overcome only by his lethargy.

“A pity...we had plans only to eliminate your traitorous clan, Fugaku. But then you went and corrupted the Hyūga. Does your depravity and lust for power have no end?”

“...I could ask you the same thing, you rotten son of a bitch -!”

There’s a dull thud as a boot meets his ribs, form jumping slightly with the force before falling flat on his front with a groan.

“Now now...he’s earned a last few words, I think. Let the man speak. He’ll be dead soon. We may as well entertain him.”

Breath ragged, Fugaku struggles to draw air. “...someday...you’ll get yours. We begged and pleaded for our dignity, and our respect...and you met us with murder.”

“Your little uprising had no other outcome, Fugaku.”

“Because your bias and the bias of the council means we would never be free!” he shouts, even as his chest clenches and his ribs protest. “...I know what you want...and you won’t get it. You realize that, don’t you?”

Above him, a single eye narrows. “...what do you mean…?”

Along the floor, Fugaku’s lips curl in a grin that grows and grows, a low laugh rumbling in his chest. It slowly rises, echoing in the chamber until it sounds like the ravings of a madman.

“You think we didn’t plan this far ahead…? You think we didn’t know the outcome…?” Rolling to a side and looking up, he smirks in triumph. “...did you forget just who we allied with…?”

“...no...you didn’t…”

“...we did. Because I’ll be damned before you get your slimy, greedy hands on our eyes, councilman. Us, or the Hyūga. Every dead body laying in our compounds are useless to you now. Our eyes are sealed. You will never have the power of the Sharingan...or the Byakugan. They’re all sealed.”

A long, tense silence blooms, broken only by the rasping of Fugaku’s breathing. Hands both resting atop his cane, Danzō’s bowed head bears an unreadable expression.

“...the Hyūga I was prepared to lose for just such a reason, save for Hiashi. To think that he swallowed his pride enough for that...he must really have put his faith in you. A fool’s mistake. But for the Uchiha do to the same...I will admit, I did not foresee it. In that regard, you have outsmarted me, Fugaku. But you’ve forgotten one thing.”

The councilman’s head lifts, staring down at the clan head with a furious eye. “...you are still alive.”

Fugaku stares back, unblinking. “...wrong again.”

With a clamp of his teeth, he bites into his tongue, flooding his mouth with blood. The viscous liquid alights over the seal imprinted along the roof of his mouth, activating the stored chakra within.

There’s so little time to react.

Immediately, several Root officers leap in front of Danzō, others attempting to smother Fugaku with their own bodies. Yet another drags the councilman back just as the explosion sounds. Glass shatters and debris flies, several of the ANBU torn apart on impact.

Once Danzō finds his feet again, he stares at the aftermath in genuine shock.

...he never thought they’d go so far.

...he underestimated them.

As the surprise fades, a lick of temper grows. It’s true, he was relying on the genocide of the Uchiha to resupply himself and his ally with fresh Sharingan. But now...that appears to be a moot point.

“...Danzō-sama…?”

“...when the collection detail is finished, I want a full report of the body count.” While he already knows children are among the dead, a kind of knowing stirs in the back of his mind. “...if anyone is missing...begin a search immediately.”

Surely they would have a backup plan. Some kind of failsafe. There must be Uchiha or Hyūga left alive somewhere...the only question is who, and where.

He still has a chance to salvage this.

Until then, he straightens his garments. “...tell Hiruzen the attacks were a success. Anything else - any information regarding survivors - report to me, and me alone.”

“...hai.”

Hours later and miles north, the last remnants of the clans begin to wake. Shisui, already up after taking second watch, helps gather up the others: Itachi, Sasuke, Neji, Hinata, and Hanabi.

As the younger four adjust to wakefulness, he steps outside their cavern hideaway to talk with Itachi quietly. “No hide nor hair of anyone following us. Seems for now, we’re in the clear. They might not have realized we’re not among the dead...not yet, anyway.”

“Still, best we operate under the assumption they’re right on our tail. We can’t be too careful,” Itachi replies softly, expression heavy with worry.

“Of course.” Looking his cousin over, Shisui then asks, “...did you sleep at all?”

“...a bit.”

“...yeah, me too.” A hand wipes down his face. “...I know we’ve both been through heavy training to get to our ranks, and we both saw the effects of the last war, but...I’ll admit...I wasn’t ready for that.”

Itachi doesn’t reply, glancing aside bitterly.

“...I know that look. Don’t blame yourself, Itachi -”

“There must have been something I could have -?”

“No. The village had already made up its mind. We did all we could. Fugaku and Hiashi, too. And now...this is our reality. Don’t beat yourself up over something you can’t change. Focus on the here, and the now.” He rests a heavy hand on his cousin’s shoulder, expression grave. “...focus on Sasuke. Keeping them safe is all that matters, now. We’re all that’s left. And I’ll personally be damned before we let Konoha wipe us out completely.”

“...you’re right. I’m sorry.”

“Nothing to apologize for, Itachi. You’re allowed to have moments where you waver. I’ll be here to back you up. We’re in this together. For now...best we pack things up, and get going. There’s a chance we have a pretty good lead. They can’t really know what direction we took. While the Naka’s the best choice, it does go both north and south, and has branches. If they want to cover all the possibilities, they’ll have to spread thin, and Root’s not that big to begin with. So long as we’re vigilant, we have a fighting chance.”

“...it’s still unnerving not knowing where we’re going,” Itachi then admits quietly. “Otōsan never told me anything about where we were supposed to go. I never found any information about an Uchiha outpost that far north...it’s practically on the border.”

“Might be a village where he had some allies. Some kind of failsafe where he knew we’d have help.”

“...perhaps. But there were no records of anything there in the library, even in the most recent cartography notes. It’s all tall mountains and thick forests between Hi no Kuni and the more northern nations - the entire range appears to be uninhabited. It’s along the same peaks as Shūmatsu no Tani.”

Shisui hums thoughtfully with a frown. “...well, we’ll just have to see. We might not have always seen eye to eye, but I trust your father’s judgement. He wouldn’t send us anywhere he wasn’t sure would be safe.”

“...I hope you are right.”

The pair commiserate over the map, plotting their route until the younger ones are ready.

“Do you want me to carry Hanabi?”

“Nah, I can do it. No offense, Itachi...but I’m a bit bulkier than you are. You worry about Sasuke, and I’ll handle the Hyūga girls. Feel bad for Neji, though…”

“We will make due. Perhaps he and Hinata can exchange if he gets too tired.”

Given the slim entrance to the cave, they usher the little ones out first, everyone on edge with themselves out in the open. Itachi hefts Sasuke to his back, Shisui strapping Hanabi to his chest as the other two argue over positions.

“I-I can go on foot!”

“So can I.”

“B-but...I was carried y-yesterday, it isn’t fair!”

“Guys, no time for arguing! Hinata, you’ll be carried first. Neji can switch later, okay?”

She makes to protest, but acquiesces as Shisui takes a knee, mirroring Sasuke’s position with Itachi.

“All right...let’s get going.”

                                                         .oOo.

     (This is a sequel to days 99 and 241!)       More of the double clan genocide verse! Which is fun :''D I know there wasn't much "ship" content (I use that lightly since at this point they're wee kiddos), BUT consider it some build up...? I DEFINITELY want to do more of this after the challenge with a proper fic, so...I wanted to establish a bit more plot-wise.      So of course Danzō is our main villain because he's literally Konoha's biggest jerk, and canonly wants those Uchiha peepers. And while Fugaku dying really bums me out...at least he got to give Danzō a big ol' middle finger (AND cost him a few Root agents, so that's a plus!). Sorry for the details, I try not to get too heavy into death / blood / gore. But it was just what Fugaku insisted he do. One last nobel sacrifice u_u      But...seems Danzō knows this can't be the end of it, so there'll definitely be more conflict there later. Cuz I can't let these kids have nice things :''D And just to clarify, Itachi and Shisui will NOT be a ship in this. I don't do Uchiha pairs, or Hyūga pairs. Shisui and Itachi are best buds, that's all.      ANYWAY, it's...very very late and I've still got stuff to do, so I'ma sign off there! Thanks for reading~

[warsofasoiaf]

Hergrim and the Westerlands Campaign, Pt. 3

I think part of the reason is that GRRM draws as much inspiration from depictions of battles rather than hard and fast military history. Stannis is the clear example, doing a Birnam Wood at Dunsinane Hall and an Aleksander Nevksy along with a Salamis at Fair Isle. In Robb’s case, the bypassing of the Golden Tooth is classic Lycian Way Alexander the Great stuff, hence why Robb can move his army so quickly and quietly, attacking from a completely unexpected direction to take the enemy by surprise.

Classical history isn’t my strong point, so would you be able to going more detail on Alexander’s usage of the Lycian Way? I’ve looked through Arrian, but I couldn’t find what you seem to be referring to here. I might have looked too early or too late in the text, though.

Given that Robb is demonstrating that he is anticipating Tywin’s march west, I think he’s got the advantage and can keep his troops together and rested, whereas Tywin splitting his cavalry is a prime opportunity for Robb to hit him when the time is right. 

I disagree on the basis of logistics. Robb has perhaps 6000 heavy cavalry (somewhere around 4000 Northerners, plus probably a significant proportion of the Frey’s ~1000 cavalry, the Tyroshi sellswords and any unattached freeriders, hedge knights, minor lords, etc), which will equate to at least 12 000 horses, with one horse for riding and one for fighting. Some will only have the one horse, but others will have three or four, so a two horse average is good enough. Leaving aside any pack animals, 12 000 horses will need as much grain as 25-30 000 men plus ~100 tonnes of fodder, or else twice the grain and pasture, in order to maintain condition. Probably another 20 tonnes of food and drink will be needed per day for the 6000 men (assuming no servants), for a total of 150 to 180 tonnes of supplies per day.

There’s not going to be anywhere in the Westerlands that can support this kind of logistical burden for any length of time, which means that Robb either needs to keep his army together and strip large sections of the countryside bare of supplies outside of fortifications - limiting his ability to return to those areas later - or else disperse his army to reduce the burden so he can maintain tactical flexibility. After all, Tywin can use areas that Robb’s army has stripped, using castles and fortified towns as magazines by drawing on food and fodder set aside for Winter.

Of course, this is all a moot point - Catelyn V (ACOK) makes it plain that Robb immediately disperses his forces and they begin ravaging the Westerlands in numerous directions, some even returning to the Riverlands (such as Maege Mormont), after his victory at the Oxcross. He’s less concerned with keeping his force in one piece than in inflicting as much damage as possible on the Westerlands.

While I know there are garrisons, we see with the seizure of the Crag that Robb has the ability to overcome them, and the strong garrisons haven’t been able to muster much of a sally, or if they can, we don’t really have any mention of it.

I wouldn’t put too much faith in that. Castles are quite frequently stormed in ASOIAF even when they probably shouldn’t have been (such as the Mountain’s couple of hundred men storming Darry or Robb Storming Ashemark), and Robb did probably have in excess of a thousand men when he stormed - perhaps even two thousand or more. Against a castle in bad repair, this is actually a fairly plausible event so far as things go. Even a garrison of fifty or so men would be hard pressed to survive the first assault under those conditions.

As to us not seeing any sallies from strong garrisons, well, we don’t really have enough information on that. The downside to GRRM not giving us Robb’s perspective is that we miss out on the more minute details of his campaigns when he’s away from other POV characters.

I think the Westerlands are a lot more depleted than you might think. Tywin rose a sizeable levy to raise two armies, one under Jaime and one under himself, and now had a third one under Stafford.

I think they’re pretty depleted, I’m just not convinced that the depletion is as universal or evenly spread as is commonly assumed.

I’m not sure we can say that Robb doesn’t use a reserve. Reserve tends to be used by most every commander we see, Tywin, Stannis, Renly, even Jeor Mormont at the Fist. 

We can’t say he doesn’t, but we also can’t say that he does. We haven’t seen him use one in the books, and small forces facing much larger ones can rarely afford the luxury of removing men from the main battle line to form a reserve. And, even if he does use one, Tywin’s reserve is likely to be several times the size.

I don’t think I can agree that Robb’s plans depend on his enemies doing everything wrong. The initial moves are sound, pin the enemy at the Green Fork to keep reinforcements from Riverrun, pick up the Mallisters on the way, and relieve Riverrun, threatening Tywin from the west and forcing him to bunker down in Harrenhal. Sure, Jaime is kind of an idiot, but this is something that he doesn’t luck into, this is something that he gathers from observation.

This is kind of a long essay answer but, in summary, it relies on Tywin and Jaime failing to follow good scouting procedure and not only sending out lone scouts but never increasing the numbers after it becomes clear that someone’s killing all of their men, all ravens being shot down with 100% accuracy and men being left to watch any fortification where ravens can still be launched from, Jaime responding with the majority of his cavalry to tackle a minor nuisance raid and all of them being killed or captured, Jaime not taking strategic strong points such as Fairmarket or sending men to keep an eye on the Mallisters and ultimately being able to travel about 280 miles with no spies, traitors, raiding parties, etc finding out about them and getting word to Jaime or Tywin about what’s going on.

There are far too many assumptions of the enemy doing the exact wrong thing and having zero luck while his men always do the right thing and have all the luck for the plan to be a good one, let alone a workable plan.

The reason I think Tywin has to move quickly is because he can’t risk the strategic situation further. If Tywin moves west, the capital is vulnerable and the Reach and Vale are still factors in play. If Robb can strike west with impunity, Tywin might find himself on the receiving end of what he gave the Targaryens in Robert’s Rebellion if the Reach or Vale believe Tywin has lost and look to pre-emptively make nice with the new King Stannis with a present of Joffrey, Tommen, Cersei, and Tyrion. This also does factor in a character component, it’s what Tywin did before so it’s certainly something he expects.

Tywin can still move quickly and have people pursue a scorched earth policy in the Westerlands - that’s what the garrisons back home are for. Even so, he still has several hundred miles (I haven’t worked this out, but it’s probably 400-500 miles if you include Robb’s planned chase) to travel before he can think about doing battle. That’s a 24-30 days at maximum sustained pace (an average of 17 miles per day, allowing for a daily march rate of 20 miles and one rest day per week), and a lot of time for damage to be done by either side.

Thanks for the discussion so far! I’ve been really enjoying it.

Classical history isn’t my strong point, so would you be able to going more detail on Alexander’s usage of the Lycian Way? I’ve looked through Arrian, but I couldn’t find what you seem to be referring to here. I might have looked too early or too late in the text, though.

The Lycian Way, or probably smarter to say the earlier part of the Achaemenid campaign (since the Lycian Way is actually a road now), is one of the examples where we get the trope of the young commander using unconventional movement to cover great distances without observation, but now that I think about it, Sogdian Rock might be a better example, dramatically similar even if radically different in objective and intent.

Of course, this is all a moot point - Catelyn V (ACOK) makes it plain that Robb immediately disperses his forces and they begin ravaging the Westerlands

Sorry, this was a mistake in communication on my part. I had meant that when Tywin was moving west, Robb could assemble his troops and unify them as a counter to your earlier point. I don’t think he would be so disunited and his troops tired when Tywin returns, given how much enemy territory Tywin has to march through.

I wouldn’t put too much faith in that. Castles are quite frequently stormed in ASOIAF even when they probably shouldn’t have been (such as the Mountain’s couple of hundred men storming Darry or Robb Storming Ashemark), and Robb did probably have in excess of a thousand men when he stormed

Sadly we’re back to the whole books vs. history thing. I have faith in Robb because it’s what he does in the books with Ashemark and the Crag. I’m personally in agreement, castle networks are phenomenal when it comes to having even small numbers of men disrupt the activity of a large force. It bugs me a bunch on pretty much every campaign save in the North, where the unfriendly locals and large distances soothe my heart.

We can’t say he doesn’t, but we also can’t say that he does. We haven’t seen him use one in the books, and small forces facing much larger ones can rarely afford the luxury of removing men from the main battle line to form a reserve. And, even if he does use one, Tywin’s reserve is likely to be several times the size.

At the same time, we do see Tywin being maneuvered in a rather predictable fashion. Robb’s and Brynden Tully are unconventional movers, Tully has a great deal of experience given his tenure in the Ninepenny Kings, I think it’s feasible to get Tywin to bait Tywin into deploying suboptimally and him committing his reserve to bolster, with Robb using that opportunity to attack from an unexpected direction or split a line.

This is kind of a long essay answer but, in summary, it relies on Tywin and Jaime failing to follow good scouting procedure and not only sending out lone scouts but never increasing the numbers after it becomes clear that someone’s killing all of their men, all ravens being shot down with 100% accuracy and men being left to watch any fortification where ravens can still be launched from, Jaime responding with the majority of his cavalry to tackle a minor nuisance raid and all of them being killed or captured, Jaime not taking strategic strong points such as Fairmarket or sending men to keep an eye on the Mallisters and ultimately being able to travel about 280 miles with no spies, traitors, raiding parties, etc finding out about them and getting word to Jaime or Tywin about what’s going on.

A lot of this is sort of a problem with the novel series itself. I agree that attributing all this to Jaime and victory disease is a bit much, even if there have been plenty of spectacular failures of victory disease in the past. The excuse that they know about Marq Piper and his outriders is a band-aid, but at least it’s something.

I disagree that not finding out is so strange though. Robb isn’t sending his people south to make contact, and Jaime is on hostile soil which helps explain his intelligence gaps. He’s using his fast element to pacify resistance while his infantry settle in for the siege of Riverrun. It’s an absolutely stupid idea, but I think as Jaime is intended as a character to be reckless and stupid as a commander so that he can grow in the 3rd novel, it’s...serviceable.

I’m honestly not sure that Fairmarket would be a thing at this point for Jaime. The city is a five-day trek east of the Whispering Wood, Jaime is heading north from Riverrun. He may have swung east to Fairmarket, certainly after that, I could see him wanting to rest his troops and seize materiel, but I think he hasn’t reached that far yet.

Similarly, I don’t think the plan depended on all the cavalry being killed or captured, but the ground picked is pretty good for inflicting a high number of casualties and preventing them from fleeing south back to Riverrun. Moving them north across the Tumblestone and into a forested valley makes it difficult for the cavalry to retreat as a unit, as does attacking from multiple sides, especially to the south.

That’s a 24-30 days at maximum sustained pace (an average of 17 miles per day, allowing for a daily march rate of 20 miles and one rest day per week), and a lot of time for damage to be done by either side.

That’s a bit of a rapid pace for an infantry. Without spending time on foraging, scouting, and establishing a camp (since Clegane has been burning much of that territory), though I guess with a forced march given the urgency I could see it. Tywin’s infantry are going to be beat, even with the rest day.

There definitely was damage done, if Lady Mormont driving herds of cattle back to the Riverlands is any judge. I will say, that’s one thing that bugged me about the books. Bypass the Golden Tooth, that’s fine, but how are the cows getting back. Ignore that both cattle drives and marching armies generate a great deal of dust, cattle are big and difficult to drive on hard terrain. *shrug*

Thanks for the discussion so far! I’ve been really enjoying it.

100% reciprocated boss. If I ever get a manuscript off the ground, you would probably be one of the first people I pay for editing.

This is always a pleasure, Hergrim.

SomethingLikeALawyer, Hand of the King

[wonderfulworldofmichaelford]

Deadpool 2 review

THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS! READ PAST THE BREAK WITH CAUTION!

It’s about time I reviewed this.

I put off reviewing this movie because of some barely-worth-mentioning drama, and it has been on the backburner for months. But after finally watching the Super Duper Cut, it’s time to break my silence and talk about this year’s biggest breath of fresh air and its funniest comedy.

Deadpool 2 is the Aliens of superhero movies. It takes the groundwork laid out by an already fantastic first film and just amps up everything: the humor, the action, the character interactions, all of it is just fine tuned and perfected. Where the first film was an impressive work for a first-time director, blending a romantic arc and an origin story together while delivering all the fun and laughs you’d expect from a character like Deadpool, this movie features a lot more impressive action, which is fitting since it’s given to us by the man behind John Wick and Atomic Blonde, while still delivering all sorts of gut-busting laughs and wonderful character interactions.

So what sort of mess has Wade gotten into this time? Well, after a life-changing event, Wade is down in the dumps and trying to figure out what to do with himself. In his attempts at straightforward X-Men style heroism he ends up being sent to jail alongside the superpowered kid he was trying to save, Russel. Russel soon ends up as the target of the time-travelling cyborg badass known as Cable, and after getting the shit kicked out of him Wade realizes his true calling: saving this kid from Cable. Armed with guns, katanas, a bigger budget, and his all-new X-Force team, can Wade hope to stop Cable from axing Russel?

The beauty of this film is, ultimately, how it manages to subvert expectations. A lot of movies lately have made being subversive into a big selling point; sometimes it works out really well and the movie is all the better for it - see Infinity War, a film that features the heroes failing miserably and ending on a shot of the villain contentedly relaxing after committing galactic genocide, the opposite of what you’d expect from a superhero blockbuster. Sometimes, it works poorly - see The Last Jedi, which features things going the opposite of how you’d expect due to bad writing and characters acting like idiots and trusting the shadiest people possible, the sort of idiocy we thought Star Wars had moved on from after the first two prequels. And then you have films like this, where everything is subverted for hilarity. And nothing in the world is funnier than how it subverts your expectations for Deadpool’s X-Force. Filled with unique and quirky characters like Shatterstar (who remains an alien from Mojoworld, meaning that Mojo is in fact canon in the X-Men cinematic universe. Put him in a movie, Fox) and big names like Bill Skarsgard as Zeitgeist and Terry Crews as Bedlam, not to mention the hilarious everyman without powers that is Peter, the film builds up and hypes their big skydiving scene, blasting “Thunderstruck” as they leap from the plane onto a convoy to save Russel from Cable…

...And then each and every one of them dies brutally, painfully, and horribly. And HILARIOUSLY, that’s the most important thing. I don’t think there is a funnier bit of black comedy in any other film, let alone a superhero film. Even funnier is that the invisible character, who has not spoken a word and who one could easily assume did not actually exist, has an amusing reveal right upon his death, which is the most hilariously wasteful use of an actor I have ever seen. The entire scene is just brilliant in its subversion of our expectations for a badass new hero team, helped for once by the advertising, which built things up so one would expect this team to stick around.

Of course, we have one survivor - Domino, played by Zazie Beetz, a mutant with luck-based powers. She’s one of the numerous highlights of this film, and she plays the character with the laid-back, rolls-with-the-punches attitude a character like Domino deserves. Frankly, I like her a bit more than her comic version. And speaking of new characters, let’s talk about the best new element of the film, Deadpool’s beleaguered badass bro-for-life, Cable. Played by Josh Brolin - complete with the requisite references to The Goonies and Infinity War from Deadpool - he is the ultimate straight man, his gritty, grim badassery contrasting to Deadpool’s zany, wacky bullshit. Of course, that’s not to say Cable gets no good laughs; there’s something to be said for a man who can growl “Dubstep is for pussies” with a straight face. I’m fully of the mind Cable is the best addition to the movie, and I’m praying we get even more of him and Wade interacting in potential sequels.

Then we have our special guest of the hour, the character we’ve all wanted in the X-Men universe, the one, the only, the unstoppable motherfucker to end all motherfuckers… IT’S THE JUGGERNAUT, BITCH. And lord is he incredible, especially compared to the dipshit from The Last Stand. Sadly he does not utter “I’m the Juggernaut, bitch!” at all in the film, but he does rip Wade in half, confirm he’s Xavier’s half-brother, and threaten to turn Colossus into a cock ring, so it all evens out in the end. In this film, he actually FEELS unstoppable, and though he’s only onscreen in the third act, he definitely uses that screentime effectively, delivering the epic, ultimate smackdown between him and Colossus in what Deadpool helpfully informs us is the movie’s big CGI fight scene.

And speaking of Colossus, he’s even better here than in the first film. His interactions with Wade are hilarious and priceless, which is aided by Wade’s blatant crush on him - Wade at one point gropes his ass, and there is a romantic musical scene that calls back to a similar scene in the first film. He also gets a bit of character growth here, which is great and unexpected. Sadly I can’t say the same for Negasonic Teenage Warhead; she’s relegated to a bit part here, which is a damn shame since she was one of the highlights of the first film. On the plus side, not only is she revealed to be gay, but her girlfriend Yukio is absolutely adorable and charming… though, sadly, she also gets very little to do in the film aside from a cute running gag with her and Wade cheerily exchanging greetings.

Stuff like that is honestly the biggest problem with the film, and even then, the biggest problem is what amounts to a nitpick. Yes, it does suck that some of the characters are underutilized, but it’s hard to be too angry when the rest of the film is so gutbustingly hilarious and action-packed. One thing that did disappoint me a fair bit is Vanessa getting killed in the movie’s opening. Now, unlike many others, I’m not going to whine about “stuffing her in the fridge,” because I think that concept is so absolutely stupid and is used for literally every time a woman gets killed in a story, even if it makes sense for the story and progresses the plot meaningfully and in a well-done way. I don’t think this was awful or tacky, and regardless of anything else, the post-credit scene renders her death a moot point; still, I’m upset that she didn’t get to do anything in this movie aside from be a stand in for Lady Death. I would love if Vanessa got her comic book powers and fought alongside Wade, making them the ultimate power couple. It’s just mild disappointment, though much like with X-Force, it is a pretty subversive move to kill the love interest so abruptly and so quickly, especially when there was every indication Deadpool would get a happy ending… and then even more subversion comes at the end when Deadpool saves her (among many other hilarious moments) via the magic of time travel.

Aside from that, there’s not much else to complain about. The only other minor complaint is that the turn towards more serious elements isn’t always perfect, and some of the stuff with Russell could have been done better, but really, it’s just too hard to get worked up over the flaws. This is a fantastic, funny movie, and one of the best sequels I’ve ever seen. It’s bigger, funnier, flashier, and introduces so many more exciting elements into an already great series. This is how you make a superhero sequel, this is how you make an action-comedy, this is how you make one of the best movies ever. If you like Deadpool, if you like superheroes, if you like action-comedies, movies with great choreography, or love seeing a good subversive film, this is a movie you shouldn’t miss.

As for what version to watch, the Super Duper Cut or the theatrical cut… I have to say that the Super Duper Cut fleshes the story out a lot better and gives some much needed context, as well as adds in some new jokes that were cut from the original, as well as delivering callbacks a lot better and staying more cohesive… but I will say the theatrical cut had some much better jokes that were replaced with some less impressive takes in the Super Duper Cut. Still, the Super Duper Cut is the one I’d recommend watching, just because the story feels more fleshed out, and also because it features Deadpool trying to kill baby Hitler.

Also, I just want to say this: “Ashes” is a better Bond theme than the piece of shit theme song to Spectre.