s1 my beloved
transcript below the cut:
CASPAR: Anyway, this is Midnight Burger. I’m Caspar.
AVA (Outside): FUCK. YES.
CASPAR: That’s Ava, she’s always here.
AVA: (Outside) NICOTINE, GET IN ME.
CASPAR: And this is a... diner.
GLORIA: Are you sure?
--
CASPAR: The huge murder beast is having a coffee break
--
ZEBULON: For our marriage is made strong by a singular truth.
EFFIE: That divorce is an abomination.
ZEBULON: … And that we love each other very much.
EFFIE: Yes, also that.
--
THE EX: You can’t let that stand in the way of true love.
LEIF: Honey, you lay eggs.
THE EX: Why do you keep bringing that up?!
LEIF: It’s an important detail!
--
GLORIA: Do you ever feel like Leif is almost too relaxed? He goes with the flow no matter what, it’s weird.
AVA: Oh yeah? Watch this. Hey, Leif?
LEIF (In the kitchen): Yeah?
AVA: I’ve been thinking about it and, I don’t know, I still feel like a hot dog is a sandwich.
[POTS CRASHING.]
LEIF (In the kitchen): For fuck’s sake!
--
MARY: Can you help me?
CASPAR: What’s happening?
MARY: The officer outside, he’s been looking for me for days. I’ve managed to avoid him so far but now that’s him outside. Can you hide me somewhere? This desperate plea is brought to you by Arby’s. Arby’s, we have the meats.
---
LEIF: This Molotov Cocktail is brought to you by communism!
[BOTTLE SMASHING]
--
EFFIE: Yes, yes, of course. Our Lord is a God of peace.
ZEBULON: Indeed.
EFFIE: Unless you’re a merchant outside the temple, then look out for the chokehold of Jesus.
ZEBULON: Honey!
--
CASPAR: Ava, what are you doing?
AVA: I’m getting this jug of moonshine and going out in the parking lot to watch a fist fight. Suck on that, Stephen Hawking.
--
CASPAR: Oh, no. What are we going to do without all the essential work you do around here? Who will do the incredibly hard work of being an asshole to people?
AVA: That’s not work, that’s how I relax.
CASPAR: Well you must be really relaxed.
---
STEVE: We had come upon a binary star system. I looked upon these two stars rotating around their barycenter and my thoughts turned to my wife. We were like these two stars, locked into an eternal dance only due to chance and gravity, unable to recall a moment where we chose each other and unable to escape this rotation. Knowing that to move closer would obliterate us both.
CASPAR: This went from fun idea to Russian novel real fast.
--
STEVE: Hello, my friends. I am about to go on a date.
CASPAR: Yeah, we heard... uhhh nice work, buddy.
LEIF: Go get ‘em, tiger.
STEVE: I have no idea how to go on a date.
CASPAR: Oh.
LEIF: Shit, okay, uh...
CASPAR: Um... Ask her about her job.
LEIF: Yeah, her life in general.
CASPAR: Listen a lot.
LEIF: Don’t try and be funny.
CASPAR: Try sharing a secret with her.
LEIF: If she asks you to do something illegal, it may be a test.
CASPAR: What?
LEIF: Really gauge the situation at that point, is she kidding or does she actually want to do crimes?
CASPAR: What are you talking about?
LEIF: This is good advice.
CASPAR: Where, the Pirate Isle of Tortuga?
--
EFFIE: Caspar, thanks for being with us today.
CASPAR (Whispering): So great to be here, go fuck yourself.
--
CASPAR: Gloria, we’re going to have to go.
GLORIA: Oh, man. Okay. Guys, gather round.
[HEARTBREAKING MUSIC]
CASPAR: What the hell is that music?
[WOLVES WIMPERING]
GLORIA: V, Jungkook, Jimin, Suga, Jin, RM, J-Hope. I want you to know that I love you all very much. But I have my own pack, and I have to go run with them now.
EFFIE: (Fighting back tears) It’s... so hard to hear her say goodbye to the wolves.
ZEBULON (Also crying): I didn’t realize she named them after the members of BTS.
--
CASPAR: We should get one of those signs that says “This many days since an accident”.
LEIF: Yeah, except ours would say “This many days since your sentient radio quoted the Egyptian Book of the Dead, switched personalities, or steered you into a supermassive black hole.”
CASPAR: ...That’s way too long for a sign, Leif.
GLORIA: Yeah, Leif, that’s—
--
CASPAR: As a straight white male you know one thing about me: I’ve watched a lot of History Channel.
--
GLORIA: Okay, I’m thinking a chair, some rope, and I’ll pour hot coffee on her, let’s do some Guantanamo shit.
JANE (Overlapping): It’s no use, guys.
--
GLORIA: Did the doors to the diner just lock?
CASPAR: They did. Effie, what in the Amityville Horror is happening right now?
--
JANE: Does having you kidnapped maybe count as a romantic gesture at all?
--
CASPAR, narrating: In Ava’s defense, she was unilaterally putting everyone in danger... That doesn’t make it better, does it?
--
AVA: I am going to rip your balls off!
CASPAR: Oh, don’t threaten me with a good time.
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