#possessed by the spirits of sad gay dogs you know how it goes

[canisalbus]

Inside you there are two wolves dogs. They're both gay.

.

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

pt X good omens whatever the HEAVEN s1e5 was

LAST DAY OF ANTIBIOTICS BABY CAN I GET A WAHOO? In that enthusiastic spirit and listening to my gay playlist that I called BOYS, let's have my summary of whatever I remember from the livestream of season one episode five, which ain't a lot:

In the few minutes break between episode 4 and 5, everyone urges me to get more emotional support fruit. I find a second apple and some sugarcane.

Some of you don't know how to eat sugarcane. It's simple, baby. You bite and suck, blow out the fibres, and swallow the juice. Suck, blow, swallow, guys, it's hard but it's worth it.

I was still howling over the books in the bookshop, because fuck me I have books that are from the mid 1900s and IF THEY BURNED I'M BURNING THE WORLD.

Barely a few minutes in I've already finished the remaining orange watching Crowley break down over the burning bookshop. Crowley can't find Azi and I start eating the apple too (I was saving apples for being gay gn over Crowley, guys, LITTLE DID I KNOW THE PAIN).

I make a reference to driver's license looking at Crowley being sad in their car. For some reason everyone calls me a prophet.

Tracy who is the kinky lady has plushies to make a bedroom seductive. I'm too ace for this. I hug my IKEA snake, Draco.

The Antichrist goes batshit poor Adam. There are some rictus smiles, horror movie shit, and he insists that his friends are having fun. It is similar to how this fandom kidnapped me. You're having fun, Asmi, you say. This is fun.

There is more vague hetero sex. I cannot deal with the genre whiplash. I am still too ace and gay for this.

The apple is over. Finally, Aziracrow gets screentime, but then I watch Crowley's voice break over the residual emotional of losing his best friend, and Aziraphale maybe not realising that the friend was him. My eyes are burning and now everyone is demanding emotional support fruit and making sad headcanons. Fuck you all.

Aziraphale possesses a lady, which is normal, and summons spirits, which is normal. I insist that I am not crying over flatulence, and @thescholarlystrumpet who organises the stream tells me to put it in my tumblr review. I'm not crying over flatulence.

CAN I A WAHOO. Aka Crowley fucking things up for future Crowley yet again.

Aziraphale is THE southern pansy, THE posh gay.

MAGGOTS ARRIVE. IT'S YOU GUYS YAY! Everyone is disgusted except me, because I love you guys, even if you are slimy.

Crowley is now stuck in traffic and simmering with the not-yet-zombie in the passenger's seat. There is fire around London.

Through the power of Manifesting, Crowley drives the bentley through the fire to get to Tadfield. Dream it to be it, guys. With Barbie Crowley, Anything Is Possible. Crowley is now literally a flaming gay (gn).

Friends leave Antichrist. Antichrist sad. Dog leaves Antichrist. Antichrist heartbroken, Antichrist now back to being baby.

Through small town directions, Aziraphale still possessing lady arrives at Tadfield. Crowley in all her flaming glory arrives too. The kids are badasses, riding in on cycles. I am on my second apple. Crowley immediately recognises Aziraphale.

They are now at the American base. Wahoo, bitches. See ya next post my lovely maggots.

[gingersnapwolves]

The Untamed, a brief summary [Part 5/6]

Part One: Sword Wizard School

Part Two:  The Search for the Yin Iron and the World’s Worst Summer Camp

Part Three: The Fall of Lotus Pier and the Sunshot Campaign

Part Four: The Downward Spiral

Part Five: Mo Manor, Hungry Sabers, and Yi City

Ext, Mo Manor [I … actually have no idea where this is geographically.]

16 years have passed. A mysterious guy whose face we don’t see sits in an inn while a dude enthusiastically tells stories about the horrible Yiling Patriarch (Wei Wuxian’s title before he died.)

Wei Wuxian wakes up. He is confused, as dead people tend to be upon waking up.

ENTER A MENTALLY ILL CHARACTER WHO DESERVED BETTER

He hears the voice of Mo Xuanyu, telling him that he had no choice but to summon him, and now Wei Wuxian must take revenge for him. He has four curse marks on his arm, one for each target.

A sidebar: in the book, Wei Wuxian is summoned into Mo Xuanyu’s body, which makes way more sense. In the show, however, they didn’t really want to change actors halfway through, which I dig, so he’s in his own body for Reasons Never Made Clear. Because of this, they give him a metal mask to wear, saying Mo Xuanyu was a weirdo who wore a mask all the time and nobody has seen his face in years. We all love Xiao Zhan and don’t want him replaced so we accept this.

ENTER THE DUCKLINGS

Here are two young cultivators from the Lan sect, Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi. The former is sweet and kind, the latter is ‘fight me’ in a fun way. 

Wei Wuxian has no idea what’s going on but decides it’s time to Cause Problems. He figures out that Mo Xuanyu is yet another one of Jin Guangshan’s illegitimate sons. However, Mo Xuanyu’s mother was a member of the gentry, so he got to study at Koi Tower until he got thrown out for unspecified bad behavior. Everyone says that Mo Xuanyu was a lunatic. 

Wei Wuxian meets the Lan ducklings, has flashbacks to Lan Wangji, and decides to hide in his room and play sad music on a blade of grass.

An angry sword spirit shows up and kills a bunch of people. The ducklings call Lan Wangji, and Wei Wuxian hides before he can be seen. Lan Wangji wraps everything up and subdues the angry sword spirit but doesn’t know what’s going on.

Three of the four curse marks on Wei Wuxian’s arm vanish, indicating that the three members of the Mo family who were killed were three of the four targets of revenge. Wei Wuxian steals a donkey and runs away.

The mystery man from earlier throws a chunk of gold to the storyteller.

Ext, Dafan Mountain [Yiling]

Wei Wuxian argues with his donkey a lot, and it’s pretty funny.

ENTER A TRUST FUND BRAT

Jin Ling is now 16. He is a huge brat and we like him anyway. Given that he was raised mostly by Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng, he’s actually more well-adjusted than he has any right to be. Of course, the bar for ‘well-adjusted’ in this show is sitting on the ground (and half the characters have gone to get shovels). Jin Ling has set up a bunch of spirit capture nets in the forest, and they capture a bunch of cultivators instead. Wei Wuxian cuts them down, and he and Jin Ling get in a fight. (Wei Wuxian doesn’t know who he is, because why would he?)

Wei Wuxian calls him a little punk and pins him to the ground with a talisman. Jiang Cheng shows up and is pissed. Wei Wuxian runs away again.

Turns out everyone is there for some sort of night hunt. Lan Wangji and the ducklings show up. Lan Wangji is a petty bitch who no longer speaks to Jiang Cheng, and it’s great. He’s destroyed all the spirit nets Jin Ling placed for pretty much no reason other than that he can. Jin Ling is pissed. Lan Wangji puts the silencing spell on him because he’s being a brat. Jiang Cheng decides this isn’t worth getting into a bitch fight with Lan Wangji over and huffs off with Jin Ling.

They all end up at the mountain where the statue from the first arc was. It’s eating people again, or something like that. Wei Wuxian talks to the ducklings, who listen to him because he helped them with the sword spirit at Mo Manor. 

The statue attacks, and it’s chaos! Wei Wuxian decides that now is the time for some demonic cultivation. He starts playing a new flute (poorly, because he just carved it out of nearby bamboo). Wen Ning shows up. Everyone, including me, goes “WTF?!?!” because we all thought Wen Ning had been destroyed by the Jin sect.

Wei Wuxian realizes this is more trouble than he can handle and uses his flute to get Wen Ning to leave. But it’s too late. Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng have seen him. Lan Wangji grabs his wrist. They stare at each other for like a solid 30 seconds and it’s great.

Then Jiang Cheng ruins everything, because he assumes (correctly) that someone playing the flute and controlling Wen Ning is, in fact, Wei Wuxian. He hits Wei Wuxian with the lightning whip. A fun feature of the lightning whip is that, if an evil spirit is possessing someone, the whip will smack them out of the body. This doesn’t happen to Wei Wuxian, since he was summoned by Mo Xuanyu himself. Jiang Cheng gets a little confused by this and Lan Wangji takes the opportunity to grab Wei Wuxian and bounce.

 Int, Cloud Recesses [Gusu]

Wei Wuxian wakes up in Lan Wangji’s room. He says, ‘if I said I didn’t know where I was these past 16 years, would you believe me?’ and Lan Wangji says ‘yes’ without hesitation. I cry again.

 Ext, Cloud Recesses [Gusu]

Lan Wangji is down in the cold springs. Wei Wuxian decides, like a gremlin, to go bug him there. But he sees Lan Wangji shirtless and he’s got a bunch of scars and it freaks Wei Wuxian out so he doesn’t hit on him.

Lan Qiren has been trying to suppress the sword spirit but it attacks him. Wei Wuxian plays his flute (badly) and the ducklings all wonder why the hell he’s even here. They figure out the sword spirit is trying to lead them somewhere.

 Ext, Yueyang [Qinghe]

The sword has pointed them here and strange things are afoot. Wei Wuxian asks a guy if there’s some reason the sect leader isn’t taking care of it. He finds out that Nie Mingjue died in the intervening years while he was gone, and that Nie Huaisang is now sect leader and keeps telling people to please not ask him to fix problems because he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Nie Huaisang remains the most relatable.

They run into Jin Ling, who’s there with his adorable dog for night-hunting reasons. Wei Wuxian freaks out because he’s afraid of dogs. Lan Wangji leaps in to defend him and Jin Ling looks like he just found out gay people exist.

 Ext, the forest [Qinghe]

There’s a weird tomb full of coffins with sabers in them. Jin Ling has broken in and nearly gets swallowed by the building. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian rescue him. He now has a gnarly curse mark on his leg. When they get outside, someone’s been watching them. Lan Wangji goes after him while Wei Wuxian gets Jin Ling back to the city. Lan Wangji only gets a scrap of fabric but recognizes the pattern.

 Int, an inn [Qinghe]

Jin Ling freaks out when he wakes up because he thinks Mo Xuanyu is nuts. (One must presume he knows Mo Xuanyu better than the ducklings, since Mo Xuanyu is technically his uncle, and Jin Ling lives at Koi Tower a lot of the time so they would have encountered each other.) Wei Wuxian lets him go.

 Int, a different inn [presumably] [Qinghe]

Lan Wangji has dragged Nie Huaisang in for a little chat, because he knows Nie Huaisang was spying on them in the forest. Nie Huaisang tries to plead ignorance but then admits that the Nie sect has this problem where their swords are so bloodthirsty that they have to be buried like people and fed criminals occasionally, like one would if they had a particularly large python for a pet. Wei Wuxian clearly wonders how, in that case, they had any right to criticize him for a little light necromancy.

 Ext, Yueyang [Qinghe]

Lan Wangji leaves to … shit. I don’t remember. Well, he goes to do something, presumably important, leaving Wei Wuxian on his own. Wei Wuxian promptly gets spotted by Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling, and Jiang Cheng captures him. He says he doesn’t care that the lightning whip didn’t expel him, he knows he’s Wei Wuxian. He’s super pissed but doesn’t actually kill Wei Wuxian or even really hurt him, clearly conflicted about the whole situation.

Jin Ling suddenly ‘remembers’ important information about something that happened earlier to send Jiang Cheng on a wild goose chase. It’s likely that Jiang Cheng doesn’t actually believe this but he leaves anyway. Jin Ling sneaks Wei Wuxian out. Wei Wuxian tells him he’ll be in trouble because Jiang Cheng thinks he’s the Yiling Patriarch. Jin Ling scoffs because Jiang Cheng is always finding ‘Yiling Patriarchs’ in an ongoing search to find his brother.

Once in the forest, Wei Wuxian knocks Jin Ling out. He then transfers the curse mark from Jin Ling to himself because sixteen years of being dead didn’t teach him any self-preservation skills at all. 

 Int, the spirit-eating saber tomb [Qinghe]

Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian bring the sword spirit to the tomb. It tells them they did a good job and then points them somewhere else, like some sort of spiritual scavenger hunt or an extremely intense game of Where in the World is Carmen San Diego. They theorize that the sword spirit is probably Baxia, Nie Mingjue’s sword, and it’s trying to lead them to wherever his body is. Nie Huaisang looks pretty upset about this, which seems reasonable. Our heroes promise him they’ll figure out what’s going on and return his brother’s body to him if possible.

Lan Wangji gives Wei Wuxian more details on Nie Mingjue’s death. The Nie sect has a history of ‘qi deviation’, which is sort of like a magical backlash. This is, they now figure, likely due to struggling to control these violent saber spirits. Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao were both working to try to help Nie Mingjue avoid qi deviation but failed, and he had a violent fit, ran away, and was never seen again.

 Ext, Yueyang [Qinghe]

Continuing in the vein of ‘shit, a lot happened while you were dead’, Lan Wangji tells Wei Wuxian that Xue Yang turned up a little while afterwards and Jin Guangshan made him a member of the Jin sect. Nie Mingjue wanted him executed for the murder of the Chang clan, but the lone survivor suddenly recanted his testimony, and not long after that, Nie Mingjue died/went missing. Xue Yang ended up in a pretty good spot. Wei Wuxian basically says ‘what a world’ and Lan Wangji takes his drink and knocks it back.

By the way, Jin Guangshan is now dead too, having died ‘in bed’ a little while after Nie Mingjue disappeared. I can’t remember when Wei Wuxian finds that out. But good riddance anyway.

Now drunk after one shot, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian have a touching moment or twelve. Lan Wangji admits that he regrets not helping Wei Wuxian in his last life, and Wei Wuxian tells him not to worry about it. After Lan Wangji falls asleep, Wei Wuxian goes outside and uses his new flute (which Lan Wangji has fixed up a bit) to summon Wen Ning. He finds that they’ve put nails in his head to suppress his consciousness, and removes them. They reunite and it’s emotional. 

But before much can happen, Lan Wangji wanders drunkenly from the inn. Wen Ning goes to hide, and Wei Wuxian ends up babysitting drunk Lan Wangji again and it’s hilarious. Drunk Lan Wangji tries to steal chickens for him and also graffitis a random house. 

When they get back to the inn, a masked man shows up and tries to steal the sword spirit. Even black-out drunk, Lan Wangji beats him, but he seems to have inside knowledge of the Lan sect fighting style. Then he uses a teleportation talisman, which hardly anybody has the skill to use.

 Ext, Yi City [Hell, as far as I can tell]

Listen. I’m going to be honest with y’all again. This arc messed me up. I have no desire to revisit it in detail and it virtually never comes up in my fics. So I’m going to be very, very brief here.

Xue Yang tricked Xiao Xingchen into killing a bunch of innocent people, including Song Lan, who is now a fierce corpse under Xue Yang’s control. Xiao Xingchen found out what happened and killed himself. Xue Yang freaked out because he either a) actually loved Xiao Xingchen in his own messed up way, or b) was having a tantrum like a little kid who broke their favorite toy by playing too rough with it. Your mileage may vary and a thousand fanfics have been written about this issue. Since then, he’s been hanging out in Yi City, which is full of dead people and poison.

The really important part is that Xue Yang has been using yin iron to do all this stuff. 

The ducklings followed a bunch of clues here, along with Jin Ling. Wei Wuxian herds them around while Lan Wangji fights Xue Yang and eventually kills him. The same masked man shows up, grabs the yin iron off Xue Yang’s dead body, and teleports again.

They find a headless body in a coffin underneath Xiao Xingchen’s, and the sword spirit reveals itself to be Baxia, indicating that it is indeed Nie Mingjue. Song Lan, now released from Xue Yang’s control, takes Xiao Xingchen’s sword and a spirit pouch with his fragmented soul and goes to be a wandering cultivator. It’s really depressing.

  Ext, some city [I don’t remember]

Everyone’s kind of shell-shocked by the fuckery that was Yi City, so they’re trying to chill out. Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian have a tender moment watching the juniors shopping. Wei Wuxian says, ‘If A-Yuan had lived, he’d be about their age now.’ Lan Wangji looks at him like he just realized he left the stove on. Meanwhile Lan Sizhui is fascinated by a stand selling toys just like ones Wen Yuan had at the Burial Mounds. Hm …

Lan Xichen has arrived. Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji show him Baxia and he’s really sad since he and Nie Mingjue were bros. Wei Wuxian (still pretending to be Mo Xuanyu) says that at this point, they know whoever killed Nie Mingjue and hid his body is a) friends with Xue Yang, and b) familiar with the Lan sect fighting style. He points out that this sounds a lot like Jin Guangyao, who had a ‘complicated history’ with Nie Mingjue.

Lan Xichen says it can’t be Jin Guangyao, because Jin Guangyao has been with him every night talking about important matters for the last week or so. Also, the use of the teleportation talisman has a negative effect on one’s health and he can personally attest that Jin Guangyao shows no signs of having used it. Another two thousand fanfics spring into existence.

At the end of the conversation, he calls Wei Wuxian by his name. Wei Wuxian takes off his mask and says ‘Damn, I should’ve known I couldn’t fool you.’ Lan Xichen pulls that whole ‘oh I didn’t actually know until you confirmed it just now’ trick but let’s be real there is absolutely no idea Lan Xichen didn’t already know, given that his brother has only ever tolerated one (1) person in his entire life.

 Int, the inn [wherever they are]

The ducklings are fighting, mostly because Jin Ling is mad that Lan Sizhui said something halfway complimentary about Wei Wuxian, who he hates for killing his father (and causing his mother’s death). The other ducklings are like “bro, chill”. Jin Ling will not chill. Jin Ling will NEVER chill. Wei Wuxian is sad because his nephew hates him.

Lan Sizhui tries to explain that he only meant maybe they should have all the facts before they condemn someone. Jin Ling continues to not be chill. Lan Wangji buys Wei Wuxian some booze to cheer him up.

Despite Lan Xichen’s words, they’re still convinced Jin Guangyao is involved, and make plans to go to Koi Tower and look for Nie Mingjue’s head. Lan Xichen comes back in and tells them he’s thought about it and if they find evidence, they should bring it to him. They agree.

 ~end of part 5~

[mika-meowz]

*SLAMS HANDS ON TABLE*

5 PAGE ESSAY SUMARRY THINGG ON OUTCASTS HERE WE FUCKIN GO

So, let’s start with our main, beginner characters. We have Miggy, a dream man with a Kermit voice who is owner and manager of the Big Time Big Top, who can also have a short temper. (More on that later.) Next, there’s Isaac Bluu, an amazing triangle boyo who, in my opinion, seems pretty chill and adorable. He works at the Big Time Big Top as a fire dancer. I love him and I think his species is Isrep? Up next, we have 8-Ball, a mutated human who is haunted by the spirit of his sister whom he had to pull the plug on since she was dying of a disease called ‘Red Plague’ and 8-Ball didn’t have money. 8-Ball’s real name is Kenny! 8-Ball was a nickname given to him by his sister, Queen. He also works at the Big Time Big Top as a magician. And now, Giuseppe. Holy hell, do I ever love him. Giuseppe is an adorable, big, 4-year-old slime boy. He’s very energetic and if someone hurts him, I will s c r e e. He also works at the Big Time Big Top as a contortionist and has an adorable slime puppy names Giorgio, if I remember correctly. And lastly (for the time being,) we have Bojanny Bunny. I’m personally not a big fan of him but here’s info nonetheless. Bojanny is actually a dead rabbit possessed by some kind of demon.. rabbit.. thing?? He is a trapeze artist.

Now, moving onto the story. We start off with Miggy waking everyone up and talking about a festival, (which, to my knowledge, is like when they preform.) and we also learn that Isaac and 8-Ball have a rivalry going on. Miggy assigns everyone their tasks to prepare for the festival before leaving. 8-Ball is simply told to practice his act, so he decides to go find something entertaining to do so he can distract himself from his grief over Queen. He decides to go to the Fun-House, which doesn’t go too smoothly. He ain’t very entertained and can’t really go down the slide since his skin is apparently like ‘pencil grip.’ Isaac walks over and asks what’s going on since 8-Ball not being able to slide made a loud screech. 8-Ball gives a vague explanation as to what’s going on, resulting in Isaac saying, “You’re STILL depressed??”

yeah and that’s as far as I got from there so tkmeskip or something and we find everyone aside from Isaac and Miggy outside. Isaac opens the window of his trailer and basically yells at them to stfu. Turns out, everyone is excited over a new member possibly joining the Big Top. And here we find our new buddy, No-Soul. Except he doesn’t have that name just yet. We don’t know his name right now, if he has one. One thing we do know, is that he has a thick Russian accent. He is soon given his name by Isaac. He’s then asked what kind of acts he can do, and he says he can possess people. He demonstrates on our unwilling friend 8-Ball, to which everyone freaks out over. Especially seeing as he basically snapped 8-Ball’s back. Luckily, our mutated pal survived, but did throw up his usual pink-purple goop a lot. Later on, Miggy finds out, and this is where his temper goes flying. He drags 8-Ball to a private conversation, and proceeds to lose it. Turns out, No-Soul is from a place called Zlo, and Miggy happens to have a big grudge against anyone from Zlo. Miggy tells 8-Ball to get No-Soul to leave. 8-Ball breaks the news to No-Soul and Isaac says he’ll guide No-Soul off the property. Since everyone was able to hear Miggy’s snap, Isaac proceeds to rant about how unfair it is that No-Soul has to leave because of Miggy’s grudge. Then, the two decide that No-Soul can sneakily stay in the empty trailer, so they set that up and hang out together. They bond and we learn that Isaac is the big gay for No-Soul. And it looks like No-Soul is the big gay too.

Later on, 8-Ball finds out and teases the hell out of Isaac about it, and also ends up hanging out with him and No-Soul. No-Soul says that the two should make up and try to be friends, so the two sit down and talk about why they don’t like eachother, then come to a truce. No-Soul is very happy about this and they all continue to hang out.

No-Soul also helps 8-Ball with his grief and together they managed to let Queen’s spirit rest.

Now, moving on, we have another new face showing up, Ringo the clown! He had fallen into a coma, but woke up and returned to the circus. Turns out, he was good friends with Giuseppe, Bojanny, and Miggy! There’s a sweet little reunion but unfortunately, Bojanny kicks Isaac out of their shared trailer because Bojanny wants to be roommates with Ringo instead, and he isn’t nice about it. 8-Ball helps Isaac move in with No-Soul and later on, he has a talk with Ringo. 8-Ball mentions how Miggy snapped at him for letting No-Soul join the circus. Ringo goes on to explain that Miggy actually had a brother and the two sort of.. merged when they were born.

This brother’s name is Muggy, and he is a nightmare, I believe. Quite literally. He’s pretty creepy and he’s constantly on the surface of Miggy’s skin, which is the reason Miggy keeps his eyes closed and wears gloves. Ringo then has a conversation with Muggy, telling him that he shouldn’t go losing his temper on the other performers like he did with 8-Ball. For the next while, Ringo hangs out with Miggy all the way up to the festival.

Once the festival arrives, everyone is set to perform and Giuseppe’s favorite actor/cartoon, Looney Leo, shows up hosting for the radio. Giuseppe fanboys and befriends Leo before leaving out of being too nervous to talk to the ‘thousands of fans’ that we’re listening on the radio. He then calms down by talking to Giorgio and goes on to perform. During 8-Ball’s performance, 8-Ball slips into this heavy grief state or Queen starts messing with him or something since this is before Queen is put to rest. 8-Ball passes out for 3 days.

A little later, Bojanny and Ringo decide to do a special performance together. Bojanny rides a unicycle across a tight rope while Ringo sits on his shoulders, juggling knives. Unfortunately, the act goes horribly wrong, and Bojanny slips off the tightrope, causing both him and Ringo to fall. He tries to hold on while Isaac and 8-Ball try to get the mattress underneath the two to cushion the landing but sadly, they just barely don’t move in time, and Bojanny and Ringo plummet to their death. Miggy is taken to court, where he pleads guilty, and gives the Big Time Big Top to 8-Ball.

Now, I’m not entirely sure where this bit fits in but I think it’s somewhere around here???

Anyways, No-Soul had watched Isaac’s performance at the festival and learned that Isaac sometimes wore girly clothes. This goes against a strict rule or something from where No-Soul lived, so he decides to leave. He gets Isaac to meet him, and tells him that he doesn’t feel the same way Isaac does about him. Isaac is obviously heartbroken, and No-Soul leaves, leaving behind a black and red flower. On the brighter side, Isaac ends up with 8-Ball and I love them so much!!

Not too much later, though, Isaac learns that Giuseppe wants to run away. He’s sad because everyone’s been leaving and dying. He’s also sad because 8-Ball kept referring to him as ‘Queen’ and (I can only assume-) not acknowledging him for who he is. Isaac does his best to comfort Giuseppe. 8-Ball soon walks over and finds out that Giuseppe wants to leave and why he’s sad, then does his best to apologize and comfort Giuseppe. Giuseppe sort of falls apart (not really, don’t worry,) and says that he doesn’t like the feelings he’s having and wishes he was dead like Bojanny, Ringo and Queen. Isaac and 8-Ball continue to comfort and take care of Giuseppe until he feels better and they all have this big, adorable group hug that warms my heart.

Then, they all start making plans to work on the Big Time Big Top and put up ‘Help Wanted’ posters to get new employees. The comic ends with a strange man and a dog looking at one of the posters.

A lot of people have been theorizing that this dog is Bojanny- or Bo- since earlier in the comic, when the demon bunny thing takes a short break from possessing Bojanny, he mentions to Ringo that he was thinking about possessing a German shepherd in the area. I honestly don’t know if this has been confirmed but it wouldn’t surprise me if it was true.

And you wanna know something else that’s great about this series??

First of all, it’s made by an incredibly talented artist

but also, you can make your own OC’s and spin-off continuation of the comic!!

I hope you enjoyed this nearly 5 page essay thing!!

(Its 4.6 pages so I guess if you round up, it’s 5)

ALSO NO, I AM NOT READING THIS OVER BECAUSE IM LAZY

@hesitant-ghost @trashfox492

[simonjadis]

Previously, on Dragon Age

I wrote a summary of all of Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition) off of the top of my head, including contents from a couple of novels, for a friend of mine

it’s 18 pages but here you go

Previously, on Dragon Age (pre-Inquisition Summary)

Backstory:

It is said that long ago, the humans who formed the early Tevinter Imperium grew jealous of the land and magic of the ancient elves and their city of Arlathan, so they used blood magic and demons to fuck up Arlathan forever and made those elves into slaves. The Imperium is one of my problematic faves. With the elves defeated, Tevinter expanded and conquered most but not all of the other human tribes.

The dwarves had their underground kingdoms and underground highways called the Deep Roads and they were just sort of that squidward suntanning meme about it all.

Later, some magisters, who are just fantasy senators who are all mages, decided: “Hey, you know how the Fade is the world of dreams, the realm of spirits, and it's also the source of our magic? Let's go there.” So they used a stupid amount of slave blood and lyrium—which is a blue substance that's mined and can be bonus fuel for magic, just like blood—to go into the Fade physically trying to go to this one tantalizing “golden city” in the Fade that's unreachable in spirit form, which is how normal mages who aren't The Most use the Fade. Anyway, it was a disaster. These seven magisters, who had been trying to serve their slumbering dragon gods by doing this, came back as super gross tainted creatures called darkspawn. The darkspawn went underground, wrecked shit for most of the dwarves, and came up with a horde of darkspawn.

This was called the First Blight and it wasn't as fun as it sounds. The darkspawn weren't content to just be directionless asshole monsters, and instead dug up—and tainted—one of those sleeping old gods that the Tevinter Imperium worships. So you've got this big-ass fucked up dragon with god-level powers, whatever that means, and it's also infected with the darkspawn taint. Oh, and even when the army works to fucking kill it, it just respawns, like it's the main character. So eventually, some clever folks came up with grey wardens, who are sort of inoculated against the taint, and because of Reasons they can kill an archdemon (fucked up dragon god).

Unfortunately, it turns out that having a live reenactment of The Return of the King right in the middle of your expanding empire is terrible for the economy. So the Tevinter Imperium was weakened. Oh, it's worth mentioning that they have good relations with the dwarven kingdoms in general, but most of those huge dwarven cities are just full of darkspawn and dwarf ghosts and obligatory video game spiders now.

However, a woman in Ferelden, which was never fully tamed by Tevinter—it's sort of old-timey Fantasy Britain, so picture Mud And Dogs And Freedom—named Andraste was like “hey this would be a great time to marry a warlord and to become Fire Jesus.” She's sort of inspired by Joan of Arc but she's just Fire Jesus. Anyway, she invented monotheism, which always ends well, and her warlord husband led their barbarian hordes to fight back against the Imperium. Also some elves helped because she promised to free the slaves. Eventually, her husband betrayed her (cue the “Judas, no!” vine) and she got burned to death, but the Archon who ordered that to happen put her down with a sword to be merciful. So large portions of southern Thedas, which is the continent where this is set and THEDAS is literally THE Dragon Age Setting, were suddenly freed from Tevinter thanks to barbarian hordes and a weakened Imperium.

That was like a thousand years ago.

There were some more Blights. The Fourth Blight was centuries ago and an elven twink named Garahel killed that Archdemon but honestly his sister was cooler.

Andraste's religion, the chantry, is super racist against elves and even led a crusade (“exalted march”) against the elven homeland because Bad And Naughty Non-Human Polytheists Must Be Cleansed. The Imperium still exists but they're stuck in the past and still have slavery and lack forward momentum tbh. But at least they're a magocracy. The chantry reveres Andraste but technically prays to the Maker, even though there's zero evidence that the Maker exists. In general, the chantry doesn't like mages and essentially owns all non-illegal mages who have to go live in internment camps called Circles, which are like Hogwarts if you had no choice but to go there and could only leave with special written permission and also if you were watched at all times by guards with special anti-magic powers. Templars are awful. Mages who don't go there or who escape are called apostates and technically they're supposed to be arrested but a lot of the time, templar squads hunt them down and kill them because that's easier.

Mages, it's worth noting, can be possessed by spirits and demons from the Fade. If they are, they're normally considered to be abominations which are dangerous and templars then kill them. But also, every Circle mage has to pass something called the Harrowing which is when they deliberately trap you in the Fade with a demon that will try to possess you. If you want to opt out, they make you Tranquil, which robs you of your magic and also your agency and emotions and dreams. In some Circles, templars use Tranquility on mages whom they view as political troublemakers. So that sucks. But some of these internment towers are nicer than others, I guess.

These days, the Tevinter Imperium has its own chantry which is very mage-friendly but otherwise worships the Maker. The biggest religious moment for them is when their Archon (mage-emperor) put Andraste out of her misery. Just about everywhere else follows the southern chantry, which is more anti-mage.

The Dalish elves are just the sad Trail Of Tears elves and they're regarded with suspicion and move from place to place to avoid human settlements. They worship the elven gods. Most elves live in cities, howeer, in ghettos called alienages, and they have a few distinct traditions but for the most part they're expected to worship the Maker—but aren't allowed to be part of the clergy or anything, heavens no.

Dwarves in the dwarven kingdom of Orzammar (one of only two cities that endures) revere their ancestors and believe that the Stone guides them all. They also honor paragons, which are just really good dwarves that did neat stuff one time. Surface dwarves generally “lose their Stone sense” and some may even follow the chantry.

Then there are the Qunari, who live mostly on this island north of the Tevinter Imperium. They want to conquer everyone and make them follow the Qun, which is their absolute garbage religion where everyone's life is planned out for them in advance. Even the leaders don't have real choices; they just live their lives according to what the Qun demands of them. Qunari believe that there's just one choice—whether to exist or not. People they conquer who won't yield are given a substance that turns them into drooling laborers. Qunari regard mages as dangerous things (literally call them saarebas, for dangerous thing) and use them as weapons instead of as people. They kill non-qunari mages because they consider them too dangerous.

Qunari refers to both the race of tall, gray horned giants and also to the adherents of a religion. Incidentally, they only arrived on Par Vollen a couple of centuries ago, after the Fourth Blight, so they're not super familiar with darkspawn. They immediately tried to conquer everyone, and they have some deadly technology like cannons to make that a real threat. But the opposition was a bit much and they don't like that people seem to want to die rather than, uh, become enslaved to a book, so they decided to back off but it's clear to everyone that they're just biding their time. They're still at war with Tevinter, though, and the two keep juggling who controls the island of Seheron.

Qunari who leave the Qun are called Tal Vashoth and it may be that the tall gray horned people as a race are called Vashoth but that's not clear, in game or on Twitter and maybe not even in the writer's room.

Aside from Tevinter and the Qunari, the most powerful nation in Thedas is Orlais, which is just Fantasy France. They're very into Andraste, there. Also, big into anti-elven racism. And pastels.

The only non-Andrastian humans seem to be certain people in Rivain, a city of people with brown skin and a lot of pirates. And, of course, the Avvar, who are sort of Fantasy Vikings and still follow the same polytheistic faith that pretty much all of Ferelden and the Free Marches once followed.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS

It's 9:30 Dragon, so 930 years since the foundation of the chantry. The Fifth Blight has begun at the southernmost point of Thedas, in a part of semi-uncharted Ferelden known as the Korcari Wilds. You're in Ferelden.

If you pick the mage origin, you can be an elf or a human (Surana or Amell is your surname), and you go through your Harrowing and help your disaster friend with his bid to escape the Tower. That doesn't go so well but you get recruited to the Grey Wardens because you're the best apprentice mage there.

If you pick the non-mage human origin, you're a Cousland, part of a powerful noble family in Ferelden. Your brother leaves to help the king as he prepares to confront the darkspawn. Your father is due to leave soon. Thankfully, is good friend Voiced By Tim Curry has arrived and will be accompanying him. Everyone goes to sleep and you can even do a gay hookup, but surprise! Voiced By Tim Curry isn't so nice and his troops attack the castle while so many troops are away. You and your battle-mom and your pet dog (super-intelligent mabari hound) murder your way through a whole bunch of people but, like, your sister-in-law and your nephew are murdered and your dad's dying so you join the Grey Wardens. Your mom also dies but she probably kills a lot more people before the end.

If you pick a Dalish elf, you and your friend go into a ruin in the woods and there's a tainted mirror and, whoops, the only cure is to be a Grey Warden.

If you pick a City elf, you're getting straight-married in an arranged marriage when Vaughn Urien comes by because he's a disastrous garbage guy who wants to rape some elves since elves don't have rights. He kidnaps the bride (which might be you) among others. Whether you're the bride or the groom, you're like 90 pounds of pure murder, so you kill a whole bunch of humans and free the women, but one might be dead. Also, the groom dies if you're the bride. You're arrested and then a Grey Warden is like “this elf is great at murder, you say?” And he conscripts you to join the wardens.

If you pick a dwarven noble, which I saw once, your rude brother is murdered by your smart brother, who frames you for it, so you have to be cast out in the Deep Roads to die fighting darkspawn. But a Grey Warden comes by and recruits you.

If you play a dwarven outcast, who live in the slums of Orzammar, I don't even know. You do some dwarf crimes? Dwarves can't be mages.

ANYWAY, a warden named Duncan has recruited you to join the Grey Wardens. He takes you to Ostagar which is a semi-ruined fortress way to the south where King Cailan and Teyrn Loghain are waiting. King Cailan is like a Ken Doll with long hair. He seems to be a beautiful idiot whose father was a hero and, gosh, he'd love to do some hero stuff too. Teyrn Loghain is literally just Scar from The Lion King but less sexy. Loghain is his father-in-law. Also, Cailan and Queen Anora have zero kids.

There is literally a strategy meeting where Cailan says “It will be glorious” and Loghain says “Yes, Cailan. A glorious moment for us all.” So that's great to hear.

You're the warden recruit and you're paired with a couple of redshirts who are also warden recruits. You're paired up with Alistair, an awkward 20-year-old virgin jock whose heart is as big as his penis.

You do some minor quests and you fight darkspawn for the first time and they're awful. You get to cure a sick dog. Also, you meet Morrigan (a shapeshifting mage voiced by Claudia Black) and you even meet her mom, Flemeth, who's voiced by Kate Mulgrew and is clearly more powerful than she seems. Anyway, you head back and you go through the Joining. Duncan tells you that you have to drink a concoction that gives you the taint but in a safe-ish way, but half the people who drink it die. He tells you that you must “master your taint,” and I've seen this scene two-dozen times and never not snickered. Both redshirts die. But you're a warden now.

Now it's time for the Battle of Ostagar, which sure looks cool but, uh, doesn't go so well. The wardens are massacred. The king dies. Whoops, did Loghain forget to charge forward when he got the signal? He sure did. Half the army just opted out of the Battle of Ostagar, which is hard to sell as a strategic retreat because of his ominous dialogue earlier.

The Battle of Ostagar did feature some survivors who were with the King's army, but most were massacred. Or dragged underground by darkspawn.

During all of this, you're the one who braved a tower full of darkspawn and faced an ogre boss fight with Alistair and two new random guardsmen redshirts to light the signal that fucking Loghain ignored because he was too busy being prepared for the coup of the century and for the murkiest scam.

In the end, though, darkspawn burst in during a cutscene and just riddle you and Alistair and (gasp!) the redshirts with arrows. But then you wake up . . . in Flemeth's hut. You're totally healed. You're also naked. Life's like that sometimes. Anyway, Morrigan jokes that her mom transformed into a giant bird and plucked you and Alistair from the tower, which is probably a half-truth. Flemeth also healed you and Alistair. Flemeth is powerful enough that her magic can somehow keep darkspawn away from her house. I have no idea how she casts with Whoopi Goldberg spell but she's very powerful and clearly more than just a mage.

Flemeth sends Morrigan, who is a delightful goth who's still understandably bitter about having been homeschooled, along with you and Alistair. If you either chose the Human Noble Origin and got a dog that way or if you did the Cure The Dog stuff at Ostagar with one of the other origins, you find that this dog imprinted upon you and escaped the carnage. You can even name this dog. Remember the disaster mage friend from the Mage Origin? His name was Jowan. My Surana Warden names her dog Jowan.

Alistair is still sad about Duncan, who was his mentor or substitute father figure or whatever. Morrigan quotes the wise words of Gillian Anderson: I don't feel sorry for men. Anyway, you guys go to a village called Lothering and you see how news of the disaster at Ostagar is impacting people. There are refugees everywhere. The local lord abandoned his holding because it seems likely that the darkspawn horde will strike there next. People aren't sure that this is a proper Blight, because nobody's seen the archdemon, but Grey Wardens can sense it and you even see it in your dreams a couple of times. You do some quests in Lothering. You also find out that there's a bounty on surviving grey wardens, because they “betrayed the king,” according to Loghain. You're joined by a bisexual fwonch redhead named Leliana who is super into Fire Jesus but ALSO super good at murder because of her Mysterious Past. She believes that the Maker sent her a dream to tell her to help you. Sure, Jan. You can also recruit Sten, which is technically a rank because Qunari don't have names. He's in a cage. He also doesn't have horns because horns are too hard to render with helmets it's a rare trait to be naturally hornless and is akin to being a redhead in humans.

Leliana has been working for the chantry for a while but hints that her pre-chantry skills will help her kill folks. Sten wields a big ol' sword. Alistair discovers that the man who raised him before shipping him off to the chantry, Arl Eamon of Redcliffe, is sick and that knights have been sent to find the Fire Jesus version of the holy grail, which is just Andraste's ashes, for a miracle cure. As you leave, you rescue a couple of dwarves, one of whom is a savant at adding runes to weapons and the other of whom is a merchant. They'll follow you and show up at party camp from here on out.

You have Warden Treaties so you can go and remind factions that they're obligated to help you, but there's a smart order in which to do them. I'll just go with that.

First, you go to the Circle of Magi in Ferelden, which is on an island tower called Kinloch Hold. There are stat power-ups here that are more helpful in early game than later in the game. You want to secure the help of the mages, natch, but you get there and find out that, whoops, a Senior Enchanter named Uldred isn't as nice as his name makes him sound. So Uldred led a small rebellion against First Enchanter Irving and the other Senior Enchanters because of some deal that Loghain was making with Uldred. Long story short, whoops, a little bit of magic fights turned into a Demonstravaganza and the whole tower is a mess with abominations running all over. The templars are ready to use the Rite of Annulment which is when they kill every mage, including the children, but they need reinforcements to do so. You go in and you find Senior Enchanter Wynne, a Wine Grandma and skilled healer, protecting a bunch of apprentices and other survivors. She insists on going with you to cleanse the tower so you have to shuffle someone out of your party to accommodate her. You kill demons, a few renegade blood mages, abominations, possessed corpses. Then you get to a sloth demon who lulls you all to sleep so you do the Lost In Dreams thing but, if you're a mage, the Fade is your bread and butter. You do some simple puzzles and you get some permanent stat upgrades and you rescue your friends from some dreams. Alistair has a happy boring family life because he's just a golden-hearted jock. Wynne is like “oh no! All these apprentices are dead and it's my fault. Woe is me.” Morrigan's dream is just her not being fooled even a little bit and yelling at her spirit to at least do a better job if it expects to make her believe that she's at home with her mom. So you escape from the dream and the sloth demon's dead now and you keep on going. You kill some mind-controlled templars.

At the end, Uldred has a bunch of mages captured and he tortures them until they accept possession and become one of his fellow abominations. Uldred sees you and after some Villainous Dialogue he turns into a Pride Demon. You kill him until he dies and then First Enchanter Irving and the others are free and are like “yeah sure we'll help against the Blight but, um, first we need to clean up this mess.” There were some other survivors hiding in wardrobes and stuff so it's not like the Circle's all dead.

You leave and you'll notice on your map that Lothering has now been wiped out by darkspawn. Then you go to Redcliffe because not only is Alistair's other surrogate father figure sick, but he could be helpful in raising political support from the bannorn (lesser nobles; in Ferelden, it's the king, then the teyrns, then the arls, then the banns) against Loghain. And you guys are fugitives. Speaking of you guys being fugitives, there's a random encounter in the road where some lady's like “oh no! Help!” and it's a trap. And the leader of that trap is an assassin—a blond elven murdertwink named Zevran Arainai. You kill the fuck out of these would-be assassins but then there's a cutscene and Zevran's like “oh fuck you're scary; can I join you? I was literally bought by these assassins as a child and have never had any choice about this and also they'll kill me for failing, but you seem good at killing them, ALSO I'm bi and hella good at sex things.” Beyond his sluttiness he's basically Puss in Boots from Shrek. So yeah, you can recruit him.

Alistair will tell you that, whoops, it might come up, but while he knows Arl Eamon and views him as a father/bother figure, his actual dad was . . . King Cailan. The dead one. He is, in this and most other circumstances, just Smiley John Snow.

Then you're in Redcliffe and, whoops, the town is besieged by the undead each night. “But where are they coming from?” you ask. From Arl Eamon's castle. There are some quests you can do in town in the day to help everyone get ready. At night, everyone will be locked in the chantry while you fight off the undead outside. The fighting lasts a while but, I mean, they're just corpses with weapons so you kill them. Personally, I always kill Lloyd, the owner of the local tavern, because he's rude and he gropes his waitress Bella, who's very pretty and nice. You have to intimidate Lloyd into joining the fight, then make sure that he's caught in one of your area of effect spells. Anyway, you saved the day, but they all thank the Maker that they lived.

Then you sneak into Castle Redcliffe via a hidden passage through a windmill. Inside, the arl's son is possessed because it turns out that he was a secret mage and the arl's wife, ashamed of this, didn't want anyone—even her husband—to know. So she hired an apostate to tutor her son in magic. That apostate was Jowan. And, as Jowan tells you when you find him, Loghain, whom Jowan only knows as the war hero from years ago, learned of it and hired Jowan to poison the arl. The arl fell ill and the arl's young son, Connor, struck a deal with a powerful Desire Demon to keep his father from dying. That demon is now running amok.

From this point, you have a number of choices. You can, um, just kill this kid, if you want. You can have Jowan sacrifice the kid's mom to use blood magic to send you into the Fade to face this demon. Or you can ask the Circle mages, who owe you a favor, to help send you into the Fade. (Technically, if you're not a mage, you control a mage like Morrigan to do the Fade bit). So, the Circle sends you into the Fade. If you're playing as anyone but yourself, you kill the Desire Demon. If you play as yourself, you can also strike a deal. She can teach you blood magic, which unlocks the blood magic school for all mages in all future playthroughs. You can even save, make that deal, and then reload and choose a different boon. Anyway, her deal is that you don't kill her and she'll fake her death, making it seem that you've cured Connor's possession. And that she'll then come back one day.

But even after you save Redcliffe, the arl's still sick. And everyone seems really sure that the ashes of Fire Jesus are going to help, even though that sounds extremely fake.

If you haven't done so already, this is a great time to get Shale.

You buy a control rod off of a random merchant, which sends you to Honnleath, a lovely little town that's been overrun by darkspawn who are busy murdering the inhabitants. In the center of the town square is a “statue” posing like that guy saying “ART” in The Iron Giant. You kill some darkspawn and then you find where the survivors are huddled behind a magical barrier in the workshop of a dead mage. The survivors are glad that you're there, but this little girl has gone deeper into the Magical Experimentation Basement and everyone who tries to go after her has been killed by magical defenses that didn't seem to notice the girl. You get to the end and fight a Desire Demon named Kitty who's possessed the girl. You tell the guy that his daughter's dead and he gives you the activation code for the golem while you leave him alone in his grief. You still saved everyone else. Anyway, you awaken Shale, who is absolutely wonderful and I cannot emphasize that enough.

Shale hates pigeons because everyone would if they've been stuck in statue form for 30 years. Shale refers to everyone as “it” and “the its.” Shale is big and strong and made of murder and, as you later find out, was once a dwarven woman who was sacrificed to give life to a golem. In fact, she volunteered.

Okay, so after some side quests, you head to a quiet little horror movie village called Haven where nothing is fine.

Technically, there's some intrigue and shenanigans beforehand with some people trying to kill you that tips you off that Haven is a sub-optimal vacation destination, but once you're there, that becomes much clearer. You hear a child's horrifying nursery rhyme that sounds an awful lot like it's about luring a traveler to his death. You go into a house and there's blood on an altar and Morrigan says that it's human blood, and she would know. You go into an inn and make some purchases from the innkeeper, which is good, because as soon as you try to sneak a look into the back room, where there happens to be a Redcliffe Knight who's been tortured and murdered, the guy attacks you, which closes the store. Once you leave the inn, the cultists all drop their act and you kill them a whole bunch. Then you go up to their version of a chantry, which isn't any worse than a regular chantry but it does feature some bad dudes whom you kill.

In a secret side room in that chantry, you find this huge nerd named Brother Genitivi who writes about his nerdy travels because he loves geography and anthropology and stuff. He's injured but he comes with you and helps you enter the Temple of Sacred Ashes where Andraste's remains are allegedly interred. Leaving him to study what it feels like to have frostbite in a ruin at the entrance, you go in, killing cultists and some other things, including ash wraiths. You even kill some young dragons, which are like wolf-sized, and some boy-dragons called drakes, which are more like the size of polar bears. There are lots of traps and there's lots of treasure, and eventually you talk this cult leader named Kolgrim into escorting you to the Temple.

See, Kolgrim worships “the risen Andraste,” which is just a high dragon that he's decided is Andraste 2.0. Haven apparently was once just the regular sort of Andrastian cult before Kolgrim's ancestor went through a dragon phase and everyone got on board or died. Well, Kolgrim wants you to mix the ashes with dragon's blood from Andraste II, but the Temple's guardian won't let him or his followers pass. This is the easier route, and he even persuades the dragon to let you guys pass through her valley.

You have to chat about your feelings with a dumb ghost (the guardian) before you enter the temple proper. If you have Oghren with you (he's a consummate dwarf in the worst ways; picture Yosemite Sam with an axe), he will comment that he can feel lyrium throughout the temple, and that maybe it accounts for why stuff here is so strange and magical. The Guardian may have been some sort of Spirit of Faith or even a Spirit of Compassion who assumed the role of a devoted person when he died, but that's just speculation. There are some magical trials that you have to pass, such as Fighting Yourself, Solving Riddles, and Getting Naked. All important tenets of Andrastianism, surely. At the end, you find an urn with a dead lady's ashes in it. Since pouring the dragon blood into the urn has some less fun consequences, you really want to avoid doing that and just take a pinch of the ashes. When you leave (and there's a great XP bonus bug here, at least on PC, that you can exploit from here on out to level up quickly if you need to), Kolgrim is unhappy and tries to kill you, so you finish killing the cultists.

You can kill 2 Andraste 2 Furious here if you like, but it's probably better to do so later. High Dragons are a lot.

Oh, Brother Genitivi is totally excited to tell the whole world about this find. If Morrigan is with you, she will point out the obvious—that the chantry is likely to try to use this to leverage even further influence and power over the land. Genitivi cannot be convinced to stay silent, but you can murder him, which I have done every time.

You head back to Redcliffe and it turns out that what Morrigan calls “digging up the bones of a madwoman” was somehow the right call, as it does enable a healer to restore Arl Eamon to health. He's like “sure I'd love to help you against Loghain but you need to finish your treaty stuff.” Oh and he names you Champions of Redcliffe, which would be cool for a normal person but most people forget when they're listing the Warden's eventual titles.

Leliana has a personal quest to kill Marjolaine, her former lover who trained her in murdersinging (sorry, the bardic arts). You do that.

Morrigan has a quest for you to kill her mom, because she's discovered that Flemeth lives forever by possessing her “daughters” and Morrigan would like to keep her body, thanks. Flemeth knows why you're there but decides that she's going to make you work for it, even though she says that she'd be interested in seeing what Morrigan will do with her freedom. Then Flemeth turns into a dragon and you have to fight and kill this dragon without Morrigan's presence. All things considered, this if Flemeth going easy on you.

Your romance should be progressing pretty well at this point, and you may have even banged one companion and moved on to another at this point. If she likes you, Morrigan will give you a willpower ring that will let her find you if you're in danger. Leliana will probably have done something nice but I've never done that romance. Zevran gives you an earring that he took off of some hot guy he murdered as an assassin. Alistair gives you a rose and also his virginity.

Okay, so now you go to Orzammar, the dwarven city. It's one of TWO surviving dwarven kingdoms. There used to be, like, 12, or a similar archetypal number, but the darkspawn ate got rid of them. Orzammar was the only officially known one, but there's another called Kal Sharok that we've never seen in game except in text form. Kal Sharok has some serious goth vibes to it. Also, they hate Orzammar because Orzammar survived by cutting themselves off before it was too late back when the darkspawn first starting ruining things for everyone.

Anyway, Orzammar. There's political strife there because the old king is dead. There's currently a political battle between the late king's son, Bhelen, and the late king's trusted adviser and friend, Lord Harrowmont. Harrowmont is a traditionalist, but Bhelen is a populist who also murdered his own brother and framed his other sibling, leading to that sibling getting sentenced to death. The fandom has a bunch of opinions on this.

When you first enter Orzammar, you see a scuffle between loyalists of these factions, and some Bhelen Bros do some killing. Not a great first impression. Long, long story short, you have to Stop All Crimes in Orzammar and also fight as a gladiator on Harrowmont's behalf to give him a boost to try to make him king. Which is great, but Bhelen pulls some nonsense, so the dwarven Assembly that chooses the next king is deadlocked so they need a Paragon—dwarves revere ancestors and The Stone but they also revere their equivalent of Nobel Prize Winners even if they're shitty people. So Harrowmont says that he'll give you all of the help that you like . . . when he's king. But he can only be king if you find the Paragon to break the Assembly's tie.

Oghren, who is just drunken dwarven Yosemite Sam but he's voiced by Zeb so it could be worse, is married to Paragon Branka, who's been missing in the Deep Roads for years. So he insists on coming along with you.

I should note that no one should bring Shale too far into the Deep Roads (ancient darkspawn-infested highways, but don't worry, there are also giant spiders) because certain choices may lead to Shale fighting you. Also, in Orzammar itself, there's a dwarf who wants to open a chantry in Orzammar, a place untouched by Andraste-worship, and I consider it an oversight that the devs did not give players the option to tip him into some lava. There are some other people who ask you for favors.

Two of the best rings in the game are in Orzammar. One is the Key to the City and you get it by nerding out with codex entries. The other is Lifegiver and it just really, really helps your health in a way that no ring has since then. You can also visit Dust Town, where outcast dwarves live. You have to, in fact. It's even worse than regular dwarf places.

Speaking of worse than dwarf places, the Deep Roads. You go there and they're horrible carverns full of monsters. Darkspawn, giant spiders, and these things called deepstalkers that are shaped like little dinosaurs but are really just horrible worms with limbs. But while the Circle Tower was filled with stat boosts that make you more powerful, the Deep Roads make you rich, bitch.

You go through a number of thaigs, which are smaller dwarven settlements that they refer to as “like colonies.” But of course they're full of monsters. Also some ghosts? But dwarf ghosts. Ultimately, you find out how darkspawn are made, and it's awful. Every darkspawn that you see was born from a human or elf or dwarf or even qunari with a uterus who was dragged underground and turned into a big ol' Body Horror Ursula that can spawn thousands of darkspawn in her lifetime. So you kill the one that you meet.

Then you find Paragon Branka. It turns out that she's an evil lesbian who left Oghren behind but took her actual lover, but ended up sacrificing the people with her so that the women would be made into broodmothers because, despite being a genius, she was unable to get past Paragon Caridin's traps that protect The Anvil of the Void, which is used for the lost art of creating golems, the ultimate anti-darkspawn weapons. She wants to use it to reclaim territory long since lost to darkspawn. You fight your way through the traps because it's kind of a puzzle but mostly just a murder-puzzle, and then you reach the Anvil. At this point, you meet Caridin himself, who is a giant steel golem and he's like “hey so I invented this a long time ago, but you have to murder a dwarf to make one, and after we plum ran out of volunteers, the king at the time started sending prisoners and his political enemies and I got weirded out so he had me made into one but, whoops, he didn't make a control rod for me.”

This is why you don't bring Shale: Shale will help Caridin, and personally, I always side with Branka even though she's a nightmare, because recovering the lost art of making golems seems worth it. It's not like there's any shortage of bad people in the world and the Warden slaughters hundreds of people anyway; this is just a more practical use for those lives.

Once Caridin is dead (when you get back to camp, you pick the lie option with Shale), Branka's like “hell yeah” and makes you a crown for whichever king you like. She gives zero fucks about politics. You come back, turn in a bunch of quests, and Bhelen and his Bros make a fuss so you kill them real good. Harrowmont is crowned and you're honored forever. Harrowmont makes it clear that he knows where his bread is buttered, and he pledges the dwarven support against the Blight. So now the mages and the dwarves are ready to help.

You head to Warden's Keep, which is where you learn some neat old history and make some choices. Personally, I befriend an ancient blood mage warden named Avernus who's amazing at summoning demons but not so great at controlling them. He helps you and you get a potion from him that gives you some DLC powers but mostly I just like him.

This is probably a good time to swing by Denerim and visit The Pearl, their best brothel. For some quests (long story) but also to meet Isabela, an important character and also one who knows Zevran very well. They are two peas in a pod and she's a delight and you can have a threesome with her and Zevran. Or her and Leliana. Or her and Alistair if Alistair has been hardened. Anyway, it's great, and Dragon Age 2 will remember that if you import this save.

There's some Denerim stuff to do but mostly it involves fighting Rundown Backstreet Boys, and you head to the Brecilian Forest to find a clan of Dalish elves. They're nomadic, and they're led by Tuvok from Voyager who was also the principal on iCarly. He's kind of grumpy but he's 300 years old, which is very unusual for elves who live human life spans. But since they say that elves were once all immortal, they figure that he's just, like, reclaiming his roots better than most. Somehow. Anyway, he's the Keeper of that clan so he's both mage and leader. Turns out that these elves are fighting some Big Sexy Werewolves. Eventually, Principal Tuvok gets you to promise to kill Witherfang, the boss wolf. There's a whole lot of nonsense in the forest including an entire set of Haunted Evil Armor that you can earn but it's not that great tbh. Wynne's old student is hiding in the woods also. You learn about the elves and the Creators, their small pantheon of gods whom they worship but they believe that they were sealed away by the Dread Wolf, their trickster figure who's regarded as a sort of devil but still honored. Oh, the Dalish have tattoos. It's worth noting that this is not the same clan as the Dalish Warden's, if that's your origin.

Also, there's a guy and girl trying to find love, and you can play matchmaker. You can also bang one or the other. You can bang one and play matchmaker. Video games are great.

So, you go into an old ruin where the werewolves are like “yeah okay we'll take you to our leader.” Yeah, they talk. Swiftrunner does most of the werewolf talking because he's the sexiest.

A naked planet lady spirit with POWERFUL Tilda Swinton energies about her is Witherfang, but they call her The Lady Of The Forest. She reveals that Principal Tuvok cursed some humans centuries ago by binding the spirit of the forest with blood magic and linking that spirit to a curse. So he turned a local spirit that was mostly just chill and, like, “hey look, trees” into a naked plant Tilda Swinton who is basically the horcrux to the werewolf curse. At the same time, Principal Tuvok (whose real name is Zathrian, btw) is also a horcrux to the curse, which is why he's lived so long. You fight him but you force him to lift the curse in the end. These werewolves, descendants of the bad humans from 300 years ago, are turned back into wildly less sexy humans. Tilda dies (really she just returns to her former state, maybe in a lesser form). Tuvok dies. The elves are chill about it though since their own people who were infected with the werewolf curse are cured.

So now the Mages, the Dwarves, and the Dalish Elves have pledged their support. But you need the human majority to form an effective army against the looming darkspawn threat, who by this point have razed like half of Ferelden. Oh, you can stop by Ostagar for some Closure and some cool gear too. It's snowier now.

Now it's time for the Landsmeet in Denerim. You go to the Arl of Denerim's estate where you learn that Queen Anora, Loghain's daughter and Cailan's widow, is being held captive by Arl Tim Curry so that she can't oppose her father's plans. Tim Curry has been doing Loghain's dirty work because he's a fucking monster, and Loghain's been giving a stupid number of titles to him.

Anyway, Anora's maid offers you some guard uniforms so that you can sneak in to see Anora, but, fun fact: you can't call the guards if there are no guards.

By this point you're an absolute nightmare to fight. My Warden uses blood magic to immobilize and damage entire rooms, then roasts the immobilized victims. It's a delight. The entrance to the torture chambers is in Tim Curry's bedroom, so that tells you a lot. You find a guy name Riordan who is a fellow warden from Jader (in Orlais, fantasy france). He's naked and not up for helping yet so you keep on killing some folks. You resolve a couple of quests while here, then you kill Tim Curry. It's what she deserves.

You rescue Anora, but then Ser Cauthrien, Loghain's warrior lady, comes with a small goddamn army to arrest you. You can apparently surrender but literally why would anyone ever surrender? Ser Cauthrien is a goddamn nightmare to fight; they should have just sent her against the archdemon she could fucking solo it. Anyway, her escorts die in fire and blood super fast, but she takes a while longer, but I always have two healers for this so you take her down in the end. Then you meet Anora back at Arl Eamon's.

Two things happen there. One, Anora tells you that her dad is doing some fucked up scheme stuff in the alienage, which is the elven ghetto. Two, you guys need to think about how you want the Landsmeet to go. For most players, the Best Ending is going to involve marrying a hardened Alistair to Anora. She's super competent, he's both nice and of royal lineage. A perfect combo.

Now you go the alienage, where there's a “plague.” That plague is in fact just a cover for some slavers from Tevinter to bring in new elven stock. They are paying Loghain a tremendous amount of gold to fund his civil war (not everyone was chill with him usurping the throne, natch) in exchange for who knows how many slaves. The elves figure that something is wrong but it's under the guise of a “quarantine” and they're elves, so it's not like they have rights.

But might makes right, so you show these “healers” your permit (it's murder) and then you kill your way through and free the slaves who were just about to be shipped off. That cuts off Loghain's flow of gold and also it's a thing that you COULD bring up at the Landsmeet, but the human nobles won't so don't.

Okay, so it's the Landsmeet. This can go down a few ways, but the best thing is to mention selective things after having curried favor with the right nobles during your Denerim shenanigans. Denerim is just the capitol city, if I didn't mention it. So one noble will be like “yeah Loghain had my brother tortured” and while Loghain will blame things on Tim Curry, it doesn't look great for him. Anora also puts him on blast.

At this point, it becomes clear that Loghain is paranoid that this is all an Evil Orlesian Plot because like 30 years ago Orlais had invaded and were shitty to Ferelden. Well, Orlais is under new management and Loghain is just a dick.

The Landsmeet votes, and Loghain wants to duel. If you're marrying Alistair and Anora to each other, you should do the duel. Only if you're planning to marry Anora (as a male Cousland) should you let Alistair duel Loghain, as Anora is fine with deposing Loghain but a little squeamish about marrying the dude who cuts off her dad's head.

Just as you're about to behead Loghain, Riordan comes in and is like “oh we have the stuff to do the Joining, we could make him a warden??” And the game let's you say no but doesn't let you yell obscenities at Riordan for even saying something so stupid to you. Because Loghain was a hero once but he's, um, the worst.

Like, Zevran tried to kill me, but only once, and that was before he knew me. I have limits on how many times you can try to kill me, and all of Loghain's attempts were after meeting and speaking with me. Avada Kedavra, bitch. (Keeping Loghain alive has various consequences and I don't want to get into it)

So after Loghain's beheaded, everyone makes haste to prep to fight the darkspawn, which involves rallying the bannorn at Redcliffe. You fight some darkspawn there, but it's not the main horde.

In the mean time, Riordan is like “oh by the way, Warden and also Alistair, whichever one of us kills the archdemon will also die, that's the only way to keep it from respawning.” So fuck. But then you go back to your room, and Morrigan is there because she's WONDERFUL. Anyway, she did know this all along, but she knows a magic sex ritual referred to in the fandom as the Dark Ritual. If a Grey Warden knocks her up that very night in this ritual, she'll conceive what the fandom calls an Old God Baby. Basically, the zygote will bear the taint (even though wardens can't usually reproduce at all), and when the archdemon is slain, she can draw the no-longer-tainted soul of the tainted old god into her womb and create a healthy, non-tainted child with the soul of an Old God. “Some things are worth preserving.” I agree but also I'd never turn down Morrigan, so I do it because I make good choices.

If you're a lady warden, you have to talk Alistair into it, which is just delightful. He and Morrigan don't get along but he takes one for the team.

So, after this, everyone marches for Denerim, where the darkspawn horde has headed. Denerim's seen better days. It's on fire. The archdemon is there, and it looks like a fucked up dragon with, like, some kind of spiky cancer? It's not good. It breathes purple fire which is honestly goals, though. Riordan manages to damage the dragon's wing during the battle, but then he dies. Alas.

But his sacrifice makes the archdemon need to land on the top of this huge-ass fortress, so you just have to murder every darkspawn in the city and the every darkspawn in the fortress until you get on the roof, where you fight the archdemon.

Your recruited allies are fighting along with the human army, of course. You can call for help on the rooftop. Personally, I call the mages because they're my boys. Anyway, you do eventually kill the archdemon. You can choose in advance who should do the killing blow, and if you didn't do Morrigan's ritual, that person dies. Yes, you can order Alistair to die.

Then there's a celebration. You can ask for a boon from King Alistair (I always ask for the teynir of Gwaren, which was Loghain's but he's dead now). Sten is going back to Qunari lands and Shale is planning to adventure with Wynne.

DRAGON AGE: ORIGINS: AWAKENING

Gonna keep this one extra brief. Like, six months after you ended the Fifth Blight in like a year, where most last decade at least, some new talking darkspawn show up in Amaranthine, the former arling of Tim Curry, which Alistair has granted to the Wardens. You head over to take over and the castle is under attack, which is honestly kind of funny because you killed an archdemon six months ago and you haven't gotten LESS powerful since then. Awesome Lady Who Will Die helps you fight, and you encounter Anders, an apostate mage who's a talented healer, and Oghren, who for some reason couldn't just live his dwarf life and had to show up in this fucking expansion, who's decided to become a Grey Warden.

So you kill darkspawn and you encounter one of these talking darkspawn which is unsettling, because that's not normal for these things. Once the castle is purged, Anders and Oghren take the Joining and so does Awesome lady Who Will Die, but she doesn't make it.

Oh, remember Arl Howe (Tim Curry?). Well, he had a son named Nathaniel who is real good at archery and sneaking, and he tried to break into the castle to kill you before you even arrived. He's under the impression that his dad was killed for, like, political reasons, and not because his dad was a fucking monster.

In a creepy forest, you meet Grey Delisle As An Angry Elf Mage and recruit her because she's trying to find her sister. You meet the Architect, a weird darkspawn spell-caster whose design is unique and who seems like a huge nerd. You even get the impression that he means well. But he does not join you, for sure.

In a haunted fucking swamp called THE BLACKMARSH there was this awesome Orlesian baroness who lived there but was Bathorying it up to stay young, and she cursed the whole place, but to be clear it was already called THE BLACKMARSH, fuck. This is the place where you find out what a BLIGHT WEREWOLF is and I cannot emphasize enough how absolutely unacceptable that is to me. You fix all of that stuff but it's still THE BLACKMARSH. Here, you met a spirit named Justice (it's literally an embodiment of Justice) that eventually possesses the corpse of a fallen Grey Warden.

By this point, it's clear that there are two factions of intelligent, “Awakened” darkspawn. One works for something called The Mother, the others work for The Architect.

You go into the Deep Roads (ahhhh) to an abandoned thaig that was used for making certain types of special golems back in the day, but is now full of darkspawn of course. You meet a member of the Legion of the Dead, a group of dwarves who hold a funeral service when they join because they exist only to fight darkspawn. Her fellows were slaughtered and she ran and feels weird about it but you let her join you and she becomes a Grey Warden, too.

During all of this, you're making political decisions and sitting in judgment and shutting down a rebellion by local nobles and doing some city quests in Amaranthine proper. (Amaranthine is on the northern coast, by the way)

Well, The Mother's forces attack the city and it's awful but you kill them. You go to fight her, and you can let the Architect help you. I can kill him but . . . eh. Oh, by the way, he can fly.

The Mother is a broodmother who was once human. The Architect “awoke” decades ago and was like “hmmm, why are other darkspawn so fucking dumb?” And he discovered that he could make them drink Grey Warden blood and it would give them awareness and, like, personhood. But when he tried it on a broodmother, who was not born a darkspawn but made that way, she was full of agony because she could no longer “hear the song.” So she's just being awful and lashing out.

(lots of things, from certain mind-control magic to lyrium to the call of the old gods, is referred to that way)

It is revealed during the final fight against The Mother that the Architect accidentally caused the Fifth Blight when he tried to safely awaken that Old God without tainting it but accidentally tainted it in the process. Shucks.

You kill The Mother and the day is saved. Again.

DRAGON AGE II

Remember the (doomed) town of Lothering that you visited in Dragon Age: Origins? Well, there was a buff af person named Something Hawke there who had younger siblings (twins) named Bethany and Carver. Bethany is a mage, Carver hits stuff with a sword, Hawke can be male or female and any class. No matter which Hawke you choose, they're a ridiculous disaster.

(Mine is a male mage)

The Hawke family's mages (your dead dad, Bethany, and anyone with a mage Hawke) are all apostates. Bethany and Hawke have never seen the inside of a Circle, and they've all hidden in plain sight in Lothering for all of their lives.

Carver is a buff warrior guy but he has a huge and arguably well-deserved inferiority complex from being Hawke's baby brother and, let's face it, from not being a mage in a family that has mages.

Bethany is absolutely darling and extremely easy to get along with. Just, like, be nice and don't oppress anyone.

The game stars with all three siblings and their mom (Leandra) fleeing from the Blight back in 9:30 Dragon. Darkspawn are on their heels. You fight mostly hurlocks, but then you run across a Big Strong Ginger Woman named Aveline and her husband, who is a templar but he's too Dying of the Blight (contamination caused by darkspawn blood) to care that Bethany and perhaps Hawke are mages.

Unfortunately, you guys eventually fight an ogre, and darkspawn got a redesign after Origins, so ogres are no longer quite as sexy as they once were. Anyway, if you are a warrior or a rogue, the ogre murders Carver. If you play a mage, as I do, Bethany gets murdered before your eyes, which is why I waited a year before playing DA2.

You also have to euthanize Aveline's dying husband because otherwise he'll either die super slowly or, more likely, become a ghoul which is just a tainted person who feels compelled to serve the darkspawn. It's gross.

Then even more darkspawn attack, but then a big ol' dragon flies in and roasts them and then shapeshifts and it's . . . Flemeth! She's no longer dressed like a poor old lady but like someone's slutty battle-grandma and it's amazing. Flemeth talks to you for a bit and then makes a deal with Hawke—you take this little necklace that's Totally Normal to Keeper Marethari of a Dalish elf clan that's near Kirkwall, since you guys are headed to Gwaren to catch a refugee ship to Kirkwall (a city-state in the Free Marches, which is north of Ferelden across the Amaranthine). In exchange, she'll escort you across Ferelden, incinerating any darkspawn that give you trouble. That's one hell of a deal.

You arrive at Kirkwall, which still has huge statues of slaves in anguish everywhere. The city was once the center of the Tevinter Imperium's slave trade, and it is full of yikes. The city's Circle is on an island fortress called The Gallows where slaves were broken, so the mages are, uh, not living their best lives. Like, there's no such thing as a good internment camp, but this is probably the worst one. It's gonna come up a lot.

So, you're a refugee, and there are plenty of people in Kirkwall who are like “Ferelden isn't sending their best. They're sending crime. They're sending drugs. They're rapists” etc so the gates are shut. But your mom's whole reason for coming here is because she's from Kirkwall, and she's like wait I have a brother who lives here and his name is Gamlen. Well, Gamlen is no longer a noble even though their whole family was. He is in fact a a gambler, which has to be where his name originates, right? So he lost the Amell Estate (her maiden name was Amell, the same surname as a human mage Warden) and he lives in a little hovel in part of Kirkwall that's called Lowtown. So basically, you make a deal to work as either a smuggler or mercenary for one year to get into Kirkwall and to get a Fantasy Green Card. Oh, and you're working off some of Gamlen's debts in the first place. Nice uncle.

Fast-forward one year, and it's the beginning of Act I. You're done working off your debt, but you're like “wait . . . I need a job, fuck.” You, your sibling, your mom, and your mabari hound (not a companion character this time, but an NPC whom you can summon into battle as a battle pet) are all living in Gamlen's little hovel. However, a smooth-talking dwarf character named Varric Tethras, recognizable for lacking a beard but having chest hair instead, has a proposition for you. He and his shifty, President Business brother are going on a Deep Roads expedition, and by now, Hawke has worked up a reputation for himself while Carver has impressed fewer people. Classic Carver. So he says that if you become an investor, you can come along and split the reward. Oh, Varric has a Super Advanced Crossbow straight out of, like, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters.

If you've played The Witcher, Varric is just the gem fusion of Zoltan and Dandelion. He's a dwarf who talks too much. But he's also good at business. He's a surface dwarf. Very likable.

Well, you set about trying to make money. One thing that you also need is to contact a rumored Grey Warden in town. By this point, the Blight has been over for months and the legend of the Hero of Ferelden has spread to the local NPCs. You go into Darktown, old mining tunnels and sewers beneath the city where the homeless live, where a rumored Grey Warden apostate mage has set up a clinic to heal the needy. It's Anders, from Awakening!! He's a little—a lot—more serious, now. He still loves cats. Also, remember the spirit of Justice? He lives inside of Anders now, but it's voluntary.

You also recruit a pirate named Isabela. She's my favorite companion in DA2 because she's a treasure. Her ship crashed in Kirkwall a while back . . . around the same time that the Qunari shipwrecked and Kirkwall just gave them a walled off part of the city by the docks to live. Hmmm.

Aveline now works for the city guard, making her ideal for Kirkwall/Brooklyn Nine-Nine comparisons, and she'll help you with her sword and shield. She's great.

You also end up going to visit the Dalish to fulfill your end of the bargain. You recruit Merrill, from the Dalish Elf Origin Warden. She's the Keeper's First (apprentice) but Keeper Marethari is sending her away because she keeps trying to restore what the elves have lost, and Marethari doesn't trust Merrill to not fuck it up and doom them all. Which is unfair, because Merrill is WONDERFUL.

Merrill helps you fulfill your deal with Flemeth so she takes the necklace up to this cursed as fuck mountain and Flemeth pops out of the necklace. It was a horcrux. Remember when you “killed” Flemeth in Origins? Surprise bitch. Anyway, Flemeth has some vague things to say to both Hawke and Merrill and then she just jumps off the mountain and turns into a dragon to fly back to Ferelden to do whatever it is that terrifying dragon-witches do for fun.

Merrill, by the way, is a blood mage. Which is to say that she uses blood to improve the power of her spells and to perform some spells that an ordinary mage cannot do. Good for her.

You also recruit Twink Wolverine. He's a brown-skinned elf with platinum blond hair and lyrium tattoos all over his body which gives him special powers and he lost his memory as this special magical metal was implanted in him but now he can kill people by ripping out their hearts.

You get a quest from a handsome blue-eyed fellow named Sebastian, but he is arguably the least fun person that anyone has ever met in their lives. He'll join your party in Act 2. He was noble-born and he used to be a huge Party Slut but now he's dedicated to the chantry but not entirely a part of it he just really likes Grand Cleric Elthina but he's torn because his family back in Starkhaven (another city-state in the Marches) has been murdered so he's like Do I Love Fire Jesus More Or My Responsibilities???

You reclaim the deed to the Amell Estate, which by the way was never Gamlen's to sell he's just a little shit. Your home was bought by slavers because it's connected to an extensive wine cellar that they could use to smuggle captive slaves out. How nice. Anyway, that'll be great once you have money again.

Eventually, you amass enough gold to buy in to the Deep Roads Expedition. You get to choose which characters come with you, which is great, except that your choices are actually pretty limited. First of all, Varric is coming along, so there's your rogue. Anders is a Grey Warden, so it only makes sense for him to come along, and he'll be very important later. Finally, your sibling. If Carver stays behind while you spend weeks underground, he'll join the templars. Ostensibly to protect you from within, but really because his life is directionless and he's, bless him, stupid. Worse, if Bethany stays behind, she will be captured by templars and brought to The Gallows. The game does not dance around how absolutely appallingly awful the lives of the mages are there. Better for her to risk her life in the Monster Tunnels than get carted off to Sexual Assault Island. If you bring a sibling to the Deep Roads, you absolutely must bring Anders.

On top of those very practical reasons for taking a Varric-Anders-Carver squad, Merrill is used to living in the woods and Isabela gets claustrophobic and Aveline has a real job. Fenris could come, sure, but you'd have to leave someone behind and that sucks.

So, you explore for a while, and Varric's brother, President Business, is grumpy about everything. After a lot of exploring, you guys find a room with a curious red idol. President Business takes it and locks an old, rock-solid dwarven door to trap you guys in so that he can reap the profits. His name is Bartrand by the way and anyway he sucks. So you guys have to find your way out, which means a lot of fighting and nonsense. You do find some Big Treasure so that's cool, but not as cool as living, so you need to make it to the surface.

Unfortunately, Carver starts to get sick towards the end. The darkspawn taint. Not wanting him to die, Anders will guide you to some Grey Wardens and you persuade them to take him and give him the Joining before it's too late. But Carver leaves your party. By the way, DA2 is actually evil because when someone leaves your party, they just take all of the equipment that you were wearing, so you'll want to save often and, when the time is right, just strip Carver of his weapons and equipment.

So you return to the surface without your twin but you, um, hope he lives. But you're rich, bitch. President Business has fled, presumably with his riches. And you now have lots of money and move into the Amell Estate, which is now the Hawke Estate. Your mom is happy-ish. Honestly, the game was rushed, but I wish that the interior of the estate had been less symbolic because it's only like three rooms. You go into similar buildings elsewhere in Hightown and they're huge and nice and have courtyard gardens. Anyway, that's all fixed in Dragon Age Inquisition. And in our imaginations.

Act 2 begins, and you can get Sebastian to join you. He does Archery for Fire Jesus. The big issue this time around is the Qunari. They're still here. It's been three got dam years and they're still just loitering in that one part of the docks. Fuck. Also, the Viscount's son Seamus is almost certainly getting fucked by one and the Viscount is just like “look it's fine that he likes Big Horned Bois but it looks bad because the Qunari aren't Andrastian.” This bitch Sister Petrice also keeps trying to rope you into doing “good stuff” but surprise, it's bad stuff. Anti-Qunari sentiments are riding high. Seamus dies. Petrice dies. There are other shenanigans.

In Act 2 you can finally romance people. After three years. The timing of things in this game is odd and also Fenris is extremely difficult to romance for no good reason. He, by the way, is still on the run from his former owner, a Magister who gave him his tatoos. Again, Fenris is literally just Twink Wolverine on the run from Weapon X. Fenris, Isabela, Anders, and Merrill are all bi romances. You can choose whomever, but feel free to headcanon a beautiful poly thing going on with all of them. Sebastian, by the way, is a chaste romance for a female Hawke who sides with templars. Mind you, this isn't an ace romance, this is explicitly an “I'd love to bang you, I would, but Andraste doesn't want me to be happy” arrangement.

The biggest event is that a magical serial killer (for whom you've searched before) kills your mom. His name is Quentin and he cuts off her head and sows it onto a Frankenbody and is like “ah, yes, finally I've made my perfect wife” and so you have to kill him and then your frankenmom has a few moments of agonizing awareness as she dies in your lap. Fuck this.

By the way, Gamlen visits sometimes but he doesn't even live in the estate with you. Lol.

There's some other stuff. Hawke cleans the streets (murders thugs) on behalf of the Friends of Red Jenny, a mysterious organization for whom The Warden also once did a favor. Hawke explores the Wounded Coast, earns a stake in a mine called THE BONE PIT by killing the problems that arise there, and enters the Fade to help a young Dreamer mage. Those are mages who are just super good at Fade stuff. You help some mages with freedom stuff. There are also some Tal Vashoth (ex Qunari) hanging out beyond the city but some of them are up to no good because they've never been allowed to make choices before and aren't making good ones.

You help Isabela recover something from a former acquaintance, and then she leaves you. But she's wonderful and can do whatever she likes.

At the end of this Act, you have the unenviable task of making a demand of the Arishok. Because these qunari who have washed up here, though they haven't explained why they're here, are there with the head of one entire branch of their government. The Arishok is the head of the Qunari military, though of course he's every bit the slave to the Qun itself as everyone else. When you insist that he turn over some criminals, he's like “you know what? I guess it's time to murder everyone” so the Qunari go on a Big Horned Boi rampage and kill lots of guards. In the end, Hawke and Aveline and the templars and mages fight their way to the Viscount's Keep, where the Arishok has taken the Viscount's head. They're planning to forcibly convert the entire city-state but, if you think about it, they didn't have the numbers to hold that forever. It seems like the Arishok, who like all Qunari believes that existence is the only real choice, was committing suicide because he'd failed on his real mission: to retrieve the Tome of Koslun. Since the rules prevented him from returning empty-handed but he was losing his damn mind in Kirkwall, he waited for an excuse and went for it.

Isabela comes back and gives him her secret prize—the Tome of Koslun, which she had stolen to begin with and that's what she had when she and her Qunari pursuers were shipwrecked during a thunderstorm. She lost it and the Arishok didn't have it so they were both in limbo. Anyway, now Isabela's like “here's your fucking sacred book leave please, look at me I'm responsible!!” and Hawke's heart fills with joy but the Arishok is like “cool also we're taking Isabela we're gonna, you know, torture her until she dies or joins the Qun probably” so he and Hawke (if Hawke has earned his respect, which he has) will duel and it is TERRIFYING but you win eventually. You get declared Champion of Kirkwall just as Knight-Commander Meredith of the templars comes in. She's like a combat Jessica Lange if that makes sense. You can basically see the Kill Bill sirens going off in her head as she sees you getting celebrated by the nobles. She's the head of the worst group of templars in all of Thedas, so she's about what you'd expect. She's less openly sinister than some of her subordinates, because she seems like a true believer. More of a Mike Pence than a Ted Cruz, if that makes sense.

Act 3 technically has a lot of content (you see Carver again, now a Grey Warden—you also saw him during the Qunari thing—and you see Nathaniel Howe, also a Grey Warden) but it feels like it goes by faster than the previous two. This one is all about Mages VS Templars. Obviously, people are welcome to RP any kind of characters they like. Maybe one who would oppress innocent people for political capitol or whatever. But this isn't a “gray morality” situation. Literally one group is imprisoned for being born because they are, as people, potentially dangerous. The other group isn't a law enforcement group, they are literally just internment camp guards, with a side of a-youth-pastor-who-is-also-a-cop.

There are a couple of big DLCs, however. One is Mark of the Assassin, where Felicia Day thoroughly explores the Uncanny Valley as Tallis, an elf who serves the Qun. She wants you to join her on a HEIST. And Hawke is like “sure! Fuck rich people!” but Hawke is a rich people. Anyway, you go to Chateau Haine to a big ol' party by a fancy Orlesian noble, but this chataeu is in the Vinmark Mountains so it's still in the Free Marches. You're genuinely a guest. You seduce the host's son so that Fantasy Felicia Day can get some keys or something. There's a wyvern hunt. You fight some little gremlin things called ghasts that come up so little that you wonder if they're canon or just something that Hawke hallucinated. But in Inquisition, Blackwall mentions them in a bit of party banter, but you only hear that if you voluntarily take Blackwall to many places, so . . . I sure didn't hear the line. I just know that it exists. It turns out that Tallis lied to you, and this Heart of the Many thing isn't a gem, it's a list of Qunari sleeper agents throughout Thedas and your host is planning to auction it.

Now, fuck the Qunari, I'm fine with that, but she says that some of them are just retired. And technically, Iron Bull would be one of them, so whatever it's fine I guess. You fight some Tal Vashoth but also kill your host.

The other DLC is more Plot Important, because you and Carver are both being targeted by mercenaries who want to kidnap you because, like the Red Cross, they need your blood. Unlike the Red Cross, they're probably not a shady organization that can't seem to account for the donations that they receive. They're just straightforward kidnappers.

Anyway, some Bad Dwarves hired them to kidnap you, and these dwarves have lost their got dam minds and also have been drinking darkspawn blood to deliberately taint themselves because they've been hearing the call of some entity. You end up helping an old Grey Warden named Larius or something like that. See, Malcolm Hawke, your dead dad, was once kidnapped by Grey Wardens and forced to reinforce some old blood magic seals on a magical prison. No Grey Warden could do it. So he did and they let him leave. Now, these bad guys need your blood to break these seals. To solve this, you enter the prison level by level, discovering in the process that the reimagined darkspawn known as genlocks in DA2 are less like squat little hurlocks and are now more like magic-resistant gorillas. Yikes. Anyway, there's another Grey Warden faction in play but it doesn't matter. You reach the end and there's a unique-looking darkspawn who, in his dreams, had been trying to draw you to him. He was imprisoned during, like, the First Blight by Wardens in this special magical prison. His name is Corypheus, and he says that he was one of the Magisters Sidereal who entered the Fade in the flesh and found the Golden City empty, and felt tricked and betrayed by the Old Gods. He had been High Priest o Dumat. Now he's just super confused. He does get his wits about him and fight you, and it's one hell of a fight, but then you kill him. Then you see Larius walking away with a sinister smile for the camera. So, you know, that's fine.

Back in Kirkwall, the mages-vs-templars thing is even more intense because Meredith is the worst. Did I mention that Cullen, from Ferelden, is part of Meredith's group of templars? He's super anti-mage at this point because of what happened in Ferelden and he actually says “mages are not people like you and me” to Hawke. First of all, awful. Second of all, hilarious when speaking to a male Hawke. Anders has been doing Underground Railroad stuff which is more and more popular as the treatment of mages gets worse and worse.

Oh, and there's a haunted house where President Business was for a while. Varric has his brother, driven mad by the red lyrium idol, sent to a sanitarium, but it's clearly dangerous stuff and left a house feeling haunted.

Long, long story short, Meredith tightens her fist even further (all mages are confined to their rooms at all times, basically, and more and more are made Tranquil every day, it seems). But First Enchanter Orsino feels that he has no choice but to go along with it because otherwise she'll just kill him and maybe everyone else. Well, this is when Anders blows up the chantry with Grand Cleric Elthina, who's just sort of letting all of this play out instead of taking action, inside. Anders' goal is to force the mages to fight off their oppressors instead of going quietly to either die or to continue to live like this. Anders then offers to let Hawke kill him. You totally can, but my Hawke is always like “lol know I just wish you'd told me so that I'd know that I was helping you, but I get it.” Sebastian wigs out and vows revenge but literally who cares.

Meredith declares the Rite of Annulment, which is when you kill every mage in a Circle, including the children. Anders is not and never has been part of the Kirkwall Circle but that's hardly the point. You all go fight to defend the mages. There's a stupid thing where Orsino turns into a boss fight because EA felt that they needed another boss battle, but that's dumb. Anyway, you fight off Meredith and then you learn that she purchased that red lyrium idol from President Business and had it fused to the hilt of her sword. Templars use regular lyrium to fuel their anti-magic powers, but red lyrium clearly has different effects.

Meredith is the final boss fight, and her sword makes her tough to fight. It also lets her animate some nearby statues. Sure. She turns into a red lyrium statue at the end. Yikes. You guys can leave on Isabela's ship.

Varric has told all of this to his interrogator, Cassandra Pentaghast, a Seeker who answers directly to the Divine. Cassandra meets up with Leliana, who also works for the Divine, perhaps partially out of wlw solidarity. They're looking for the Champion of Kirkwall (Hawke), but just like the Hero of Ferelden, he seems to be missing.

DRAGON AGE: ASUNDER

A novel. In it, Wynne's son who is a mage and spirit healer like his mom (from whom he was separated as an infant because the templars are the worst) is in the White Spire, the #1 Circle of Magi situated in Val Royeaux, the capitol of Orlais. Unfortunately, there have been mysterious murders said to be carried out by some sort of Ghost Twink. Turns out, it's a boy named Cole and he's not invisible, he just makes people forget him. But Rhys, Wynne's son, remembers him. Everything is stricter now because of what happened in Kirkwall. So, a brief summary:

-Cole the Ghost Twink is a spirit who took the form of an abused boy mage who died because templars literally forgot that they'd locked him up in his cell. The spirit didn't know how to help him so it just became him. It's been killing people who want to die, which is a huge bummer.

-the Divine secretly ordered a Tranquil to investigate whether or not Tranquility could be cured. It can be

-Grand Enchanter Fiona, Wynne, and Shale help start the Mage Rebellion, which spreads all across Thedas and includes the knowledge that Tranquility can be cured. Shale personally smashes the phylacteries that templars would be able to use to track down mages when they leave.

-the Templar Order and the Seekers leave the chantry because they feel that the Divine is too soft on mages

-a nice templar (relatively) named Evangeline falls in love with Rhys. She gets killed but Wynne, who held a Spirit of Faith in her ever since the Bad Events in the Ferelden Circle during the Blight, transfers that Spirit of Faith into her to save her. Wynne dies but Evangeline lives.

-the current Lord Seeker is planning to crush the mage rebellion. Cole kills him. It's what he deserves.

DRAGON AGE: THE MASKED EMPIRE

A novel. Empress Celine is Orlais' ruling lesbian and she encourages art and scholarly pursuits and enlightenment. She, too, dreams of expansion—like any responsible ruler—but she wants to do it with diplomacy and alliances and the economy instead of just smash-stabbing. Briala is her elven spy chief and also her lover since they were both young. Her bodyguard is Ser Michel de Chalons, a skilled swordsman obsessed with honor and harboring a “terrible” secret. Her rival is her cousin, Grand Duke Gaspard, and he wants to Make Orlais Great Again by conquering Ferelden and Nevarra and beyond.

Michel's “terrible” secret is that he's, gasp, of elven lineage. Biologically, half-elves are just humans. This is meaningless but Orlesian culture is ridiculous and humans are even more ridiculous.

Briala's mentor for many years has been a mage named Felassan who is himself a spy and, despite his tattoos that would indicate that he is Dalish, really doesn't seem to be Dalish at all.

Well, Gaspard outs Celine's relationship with Briala, which causes a scandal. He then ambushes her and her forces while she's vulnerable, but does not succeed in taking her. Eventually, Briala, Celene, Gaspard, Felassan, and a couple of others are separated from their armies and go on an adventure through an eluvian, an ancient elven mirror. Gaspard is honorable but, like, having a code doesn't make you a good person, dude, it just makes you lawful evil. However, Briala and Celene have a falling out, Michel betrays Celene because of his own dumb honor code, and a Dalish clan gets wiped out by a demon named Imshael who insists upon being called a “Choice Spirit” instead of a Desire Demon. There's some really cool magic and lore stuff in this book and I strongly recommend it.

Anyway, Celene makes it to safety, but without her bodyguard or her lover/spymaster. Briala gets control of the Eluvian network (well, part of it) and plans to use it to instantly move groups of elves from place to place to make things better for her people. (Celene has gone out of her way to be pro-elf, by the way, largely from Briala's influence)

Felassan tells Briala goodbye and goes and sleeps and enters the Fade. An unidentified entity approaches him and asks if he got the access to the eluvians. He replies that he did not, by choice. The unidentified entity kills him instantly.

So there's an Orlesian Civil War going on and the elves are capitalizing on it (or trying to) during the Mage Rebellion and also there are some Other Shenanigans.

PS: at one point Imshael possessed a Dalish mage named Mithris. She appears in Inquisition, like many of these characters. But not Felassan because he's dead.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

[leisurelypanda]

Mundane Miracles (aka, my sermon from this morning)

When I was a child, I believed in miracles. I believed the stories about Jesus healing the sick, feeding thousands of people, bringing the dead back to life, turning water into wine, walking on water, calming stormy seas, and casting out demons from people possessed. I believed that these were what miracles were, things that only God could accomplish, things that could only be achieved by having some kind of divine blessing.

As a child, I also believed that people followed God because Jesus did cool stuff. Jesus was extraordinary and did things no one else could and promised that if people followed him, that they could do cool, extraordinary things, too. Of course there was that bit about God loving all people, but to a kid with an active imagination and who believed that his dogs could be taught how to talk, who tried to talk to the weeping willow in the backyard like Pocahontas did in the Disney movie, and who believed in magic and genies and fairy godmothers, the miracles seemed to be the thing that must be why people followed Jesus.

I tried to perform miracles. I remember trying to walk on water at the local pool because how cool would that be? I remember trying to move a mountain or a small hill, anyway, because that sounded awesome! I remember when my grandfather died and I wondered why the people at the funeral didn’t try to bring him back like Jesus did because surely that would be better than being sad.

But when I tried to walk on water, I fell through the surface and swam back up. When I tried to move that small hill, it stood resolutely and I wonder if it bothered to notice that I was there at all. My grandfather was driven from the funeral home to the cemetery and laid to rest. And as a child, I wondered why no one ever seemed to have enough faith to do any of the things Jesus did.

When I was a teenager and started asking questions, I remember asking the people at my church why miracles “didn’t happen anymore.” Why didn’t praying for someone to be healed of sickness or injury heal them like it had when Jesus did it? Why didn’t blessing food make it multiply endlessly? (Which for anyone who has ever been to a Southern Baptist potluck where that one person brought devilled eggs, you know that that specific platter of devilled eggs needs a blessing). Why didn’t mountains move and why couldn’t people walk on water?

I received a variety of answers for these questions. Some people said that I needed more faith, that God only worked with people who had achieved some hidden prerequisite faith quota. Others said that God moves in mysterious ways and that it’s not our place to question. That never made sense to me. Still others had the most frightening answer of all, that God didn’t perform miracles anymore. That answer in particular came up more in the South, the idea that God was no longer actively involved with humans. That God did not speak to people anymore, that God did not work wonders in the world anymore. And it was always confusing, as well, because these people would always insist that God was active in the world, that God was doing something. God just wasn’t doing anything miraculous or being transparent about what was going on.

I wondered what the point of believing in God was if these miracles people spent so much time focusing on didn’t exist anymore. Why did Jesus feed people if they were going to be hungry again? Why did he heal people if they were going to get sick again? Why did he bring people back to life if they were just going to die again? And I clung to faith because I was waiting for someone to bring me an answer.

I didn’t find a satisfactory answer until I was in college after I came out. One of my sociology professors talked about her work as a nurse while her husband worked as a community organizer and pastored a church in South Africa. There were stories of trials and difficulty and I wondered sometimes why anyone would stay in a place with such hardships when they had the option of leaving. There were stories of joy and blessing, too. Children learning languages, change happening, people receiving medical care. And these stories gave me part of the answer. All life contains both blessing and hardship.

The second part came when I was completing my spring semester of my senior year, the only time I have ever been part of a theatrical production and I did it as a favor to my friend because it was their senior show. The show was called Corpus Christi, and it was a retelling of the story of Jesus from the perspective of Joshua, a gay man. All the disciples are there, and they’re all gay. Simon was a singer, Phillip was a stripper, and Judas was Joshua’s high school sweetheart.

The story was the same as it is in the Bible. Joshua goes out, leaves home, teaches, performs miracles. And when the last supper happens, Joshua and Judas go off alone because Joshua knows that he’s about to die and he’s afraid. He falls asleep in Judas’s lap and Judas makes a deal to betray him with the high priest. And when they’re done, the high priest warns Judas that Joshua is a troublemaker. To which Judas asks, “Because he says he’s the son of God?” The high priest says, “No, because he says that you are also the son of God.” Judas counters with, “We are all the children of God.”

And this is the central message of Corpus Christi, the truth as the playwright saw it, that we are all manifestations of the Christ Spirit. The school shut it down, of course and it was a dark, sad time for those of us in the cast. But life went on. We healed, bit by bit, step by step, through little things and time spent with friends. Through talking and laughing and crying and raging. Through eating and drinking and stressing and playing. Some of us wrote. Some acted. Some protested. Others threw themselves into schoolwork. And three years later, we’re all still here. And that’s when I learned the second part of the answer. Life goes on.

Miracles happen every day. To say that God does not work miracles in the world discounts the wonders we see around us. We live longer than we did a century ago because someone discovered medicines and ways to keep us healthy longer.  We grow food in such quantity that it feeds billions of people around the world every day. We heal, day by day, from old hurts and traumas others may never fully understand. And to say that God is not here in the midst, orchestrating these little miracles, even ones so small as the next breath we take, is wrong.

And just because Jesus’ miracles were temporary does not mean that they were not extraordinary. His teachings, to love with our whole beings, to be kind even to our enemies, to do good, even if all we can do is give someone some water, are what matter. And resurrection, the continuance of life even in the face of death is the greatest of all. When Jesus came back, he comforted those who mourned for him. He forgave Peter for denying him. At the end of Corpus Christi, the actors come out of character and the Actor Playing Judas says, “Sometimes, I mourn for Judas, too. I think Joshua would have.”

Easter is a time of miracles. Jesus rose from the dead and this was so shocking, so absurdly wonderful, that the people who spent every day with him for years, listening to him teach, hearing his words, questioning him, learning from him, eating, resting, dancing, singing, laughing, and crying with him were so flabbergasted that they could not believe that it happened. And the only people who believe the women who come to tell them that Jesus is not in the tomb are Peter and John, the Beloved Disciple. And when Mary Magdalene comes running to the rest of the disciples crying “I have seen the Lord!” they don’t believe her until Jesus himself pops in to tell them.

And yet Easter is often so calm. So mundane. It comes like spring. Slowly, at first, then all of a sudden the world is alive again. Everything is reborn and every year at springtime there’s one day when I go out and I pause and wonder when the trees had grown their leaves back, if I had been asleep for the whole thing or if it happened just a few moments ago. And suddenly the world is alive again after the winter snows. Flowers are blooming, the grass is green, the birds are singing, and the trees rustle in the wind, whispering their secrets to each other as they come awake.

Resurrection is coming and it is a gift, whether we experience rebirth and renewal in this life or are reborn into the next. Resurrection is the chance to do more. To love more. To be more compassionate. To be more gracious. The mistakes we made are not the last word. The cycle continues until we have reached the highest and best good. And that is a miracle, too.

As for me, I believe in only one miracle. Life, and the endless wonder it brings. The feeling of wind at your back, the sun on your face, of rain falling on dry skin and thirsty earth, of dreaming and waking, of living moments of joy and sorrow, of loving and being loved. The greatest miracle of life is that it endures. As life does not, cannot pause in the moments of blissful peace and profound joy, so too does life not stop during moments of incomprehensible sorrow and deep despair. As every sun sets and the long night begins, so the sun rises and new days come to bring their blessings. Every winter ends and life returns to a sleeping world. Life goes on and resurrection is coming. Praise God. Amen.

[eloarei]

Tagged by @chocochipbiscuit to post my current WIPs. Thanks, Choco! (lol this is going to be self-indulgent and painful XD;)  (As with Choco, I also have more bits and blobs and ideas than I know what to do with, but I’ll focus on the ones that have a remote chance of ever getting finished.)  Active WIPS (I have at least opened the document in the past month and I honestly intend to finish them this year.)  In order of recently modified: OP CM BB -- "One Piece, Cobymeppo, Beauty&Beast" I mean, it's kind of what it says on the tin: it's vaguely a Beauty and the Beast AU. (Factoid: this is at least the 3rd or 4th fanfic I've written based on friggin' B&B. It's my favorite fairytale and I'm weak.) Currently at 12.5k (when did that happen?!) out of, I dunno, 18k? I honestly never intended to write this. It just sort of happened-- and kept happening, which is the weird part. I'm liking it though. Factoid #2: there are a lot of dogs in this fic. JD LLW -- "Jak and Daxter, Love Like Winter" 100% inspired by the AFI song, I won't lie. I've been meaning to write this for at least 7 years. I have a lot of thoughts and headcanons about the Jak and Daxter series, and this incorporates my hardcore favorite: Daxter is a Precursor. It also uses a couple tropes I love: reincarnation cycles, and fated lovers. As with any song, I can't say what it's actually supposed to be about, but I always heard it as the story of, well, reincarnation and fated lovers. "I met my love before I was born", and then switching between he, she, and then back to he. The story became very vibrant in my head! And this format especially allows me the opportunity to explore Jak/Keira as well as Jak/Daxter, because while I'm not a huge fan of Jak/Keira, I don't like just ignoring canon if I can avoid it. Currently at 7k out of... maybe 20k? It was supposed to be a lot shorter, but I'm only on chapter 1 out of 3, so less than 15k is probably not happening. Factoid: I think a lot of people only know this series second-hand, so I feel the need to mention that Daxter does, in fact, have a human form. XD FO4NV -- "Fallout 4, Nick Valentine" A very creative document name! XD; The story will probably eventually be titled "Same Heart" unless I come up with something better. It's a Fallout4 AU(ish) centering around Nick having been recaptured by the Institute, getting a memory wipe, and then living there during the years when Shaun is being raised there. Eventually, he and kid-Shaun break out to explore the Commonwealth and try to find Shaun's parents. I swear it'll be a Nick/Nora story if I ever friggin' get to that part, but right now it's mostly a Nick&Shaun story. Currently at 30k out of, I dunno, 70k to 100k? It's on chapter 7 out of 17, I think. I have this one planned out pretty well chapter-by-chapter, so of all my fics it has the best chance of actually happening. (Aside from the length, which sort of counts against it. It was supposed to be shorter, but I apparently couldn't shut up.) I'm thinking about focusing on this one for my NaNoWriMo, since it has about 50k left to it. Factoid: I get more emotional about parental relationships than I do about romantic ones, despite the fact that I LOVE romance. Stories I write about parent-child relationships always end up being my favorite. BttF On Track -- "Back to the Future, On Track" The only one I've actually started posting. I feel bad because I meant to continue writing this through December and January, but I got lazy and distracted, so it didn't happen. The season is just about right to jump back into it though (Fall is a more BttF season for me), so I HOPE to finish it this year. Currently at 18k (holy shit, seriously?) out of probably 30k. Chapter 3 (out of 6 well-planned chapters) is aaalmost done, but I might have to go reread some of IrisBleuFics stuff to get back into the mood of it. (Or maybe Rae's or Edgebug's.) Factoid (actually a question) : does anyone else have seasonal fandoms? Inactive WIPs (there are lots of these, so I'll put them under a cut for you. Still, these are only the ones I’ve worked on in the past year. Again, from most- to least-recent.) 

HP GOtG -- A silly Harry Potter/Guardians of the Galaxy fic I have like a page of. I was mentally explaining the concept of fanfic to someone and this... happened.

HPCM Ways to Live -- Another One Piece Cobymeppo fic, and AU (or UA) about if Luffy had never met Coby in ep.1 and skipped right over to kick Morgan's ass in Shells Town. tldr Coby and Helmeppo become pirates.

FFXV parents AU -- I was REALLY into this one for a while, got a couple thousand words and a good plot outline on it. It's Final Fantasy 15 AU (or, as usual, a UA) in which Noctis is only a baby when the empire attacks, and teenage Ignis and Gladio have to run away with him, and end up raising him on their own. I 100% intend to finish this one, but it's not top priority at the moment.

A modern prometheus -- A magical-world retelling of Frankenstein. Probably gay.

FO4 WFM-- "Fallout 4, Waiting for magic" On the day the bombs drop, Nora's husband is still at war, while she's several months pregnant and working on her legal cases from home. Her friend Nick Valentine has come to give her some documents and check on her when they're suddenly ushered into the vault and frozen. AKA the romantic adventures of Nick and a heavily pregnant Nora out in the Commonwealth. (Inspired by an Ace of Bass song)

Fo4 Sky-- "Fallout 4, Skyrim" Basically a riff off the previous story, but not the same at all, somehow. Set in Skyrim, Nora is essentially sleeping beauty. Wait. Snow white? Er, yeah. Magically frozen in a coffin, yeah. 

MEA Avi -- "Mass Effect Andromeda, Avi: a sci-fi ghost story" REALLY thought I was gonna finish this one, but I got distracted from MEA altogether. The story of Avitus Rix and his SAM unit, which has begun to think it is the late Macen Barro, its previous owner/partner, and Avitus' longtime boyfriend. Still can't decide how sad I want it, but it'll be pretty gloomy even if I go with a happy ending.

DCo side story AU -- A modern mini-fic about my DamselCo characters going on a double date, except Addisson and Hunter are both late so it's just Ellery and Isabelle being kind of awkward.

FFXV Dear Fellow Traveler -- AU, Prompto was raised in Niflheim and meets Noctis and the others on their (very long, winding) trip to Noct's engagement. Promptis, no war.

FFXV mermaid AU -- More Promptis. Noctis fishes up mer-person Prompto. They have adventures. Ignis has to go looking for Noctis later and meets mer-person Gladio.

OW Sagittarius  -- Eheh, posted the first chapter of this in January and then just gave up. XD;;;; I feel so bad. An Overwatch teenage McHanzo AU, where Jesse is a centaur sold into slavery to the yakuza. Trained by the Shimada clan, he falls in love with the heir, Hanzo, who then helps him escape. Many years later, they meet again in Overwatch. I have a GOOD plot outline for this, so I really have no excuse for not finishing it. It's on the to-do list after the first few.

FFXV Firstborn son -- Question: is a person still consider a trans-person if they're born female, but both raised as and identify as male (because patriarchal bullshit)? If so: trans-Noctis, Promptis fic.

FFXV Mirror Sword Shield -- Yet another FFXV AU, obviously inspired by that one Coldplay song that I love. Hundreds of years ago, Noctis defeated the darkness, but was sealed away inside the crystal, only to return when he needed to do it again. Prompto, Ignis, and Gladio have trained as his guardians all their lives, for the slim chance that he does return. (I really like this idea, but if I write this one, it'll only be after I finish the other FFXV fics.)

OW BB -- Guess what? Another "Beauty and the Beast" fic, Overwatch flavored. Except it's really more like, "the beast and also another beast". McHanzo, of course, featuring a snarky dragon spirit that constantly taunts Hanzo about his guilt.

BttF Ashes -- Hot damn I gotta write this fic some day. I have a GREAT plot outline for it, following a chiptune song called Ashes. I love it, it makes me cry. It's a Back to the Future AU, about Doc dying when his house burns down. Years later, ghost-Doc teams up with Marty to finish the time machine, and then (spoiler alert) Marty goes back in time and saves Doc, pulling his corporeal self into the future ala The Mediator and they live happily ever after the end. XD

PacRim Redefined -- Another one I feel bad about, because I have posted most of what I have written, but I don't know if I'll ever finish it. It's a far-future semi-AU about Newt and Hermann. TBH it's one of my favorite fics I've ever written, but I'm a loser and can never finish anything. Hopefully next year??? I've got much of a plot outline, so.

Bttf Dino prompt -- Braincoins prompted me last year to write a fic about Marty and a dinosaur, and I started to! But then I had no idea where I was going with it, so I stopped a few pages in. ^^; I'd like to figure out an ending to it that isn't both boring and bleak.

Bttf Solving for X -- A series of short AUs about if either Doc or Marty (or both) were women. I'd like to maybe work on this one again sometime.

HxH AU Laughter Lines -- A Hunter x Hunter fic that makes me cry when I think about it XDXDXD Based on the Bastille song of the same name, it's an AU in which Gon is like... a tree nymph. A little hard to explain, it's a sad little Killugon fic, and it should be pretty short, so I ought to just sit down and write it one day.

BttF Thirst for Romance -- I love this idea! Why haven't I written it?! In his 30's or 40's, Marty is a nurse at a convalescent home/ hospice, where he meets Doc, who loves to tell wild stories. He tells Marty stories about adventures that the two of them had in the 80's and with time travel. Everyone assumes Doc is just very creative and lonely, and they love his stories. He and Marty become close, and when Doc passes away, he leaves his meager possessions to Marty, including a mysterious set of keys which unlock his old garage, and a strange old car inside... (Really want to write this one eventually!) (Based on the song of the same name.)

BttF Hell Valley -- A sad AU, taking place in the Hell Valley timeline from movie 2. Marty has run away from his abusive step-dad and finds himself living in Doc's garage. They're just two broken people trying to get by. Marty wants Doc to run away with him, someplace far away, but Doc has a better idea, if he can get it to work. (Inspired by the song Fast Car, the sad-sounding Jonas Blue version. "You got a fast car. Is it fast enough so we could fly away?")

BttF SG fusion -- and last and possibly least, yet another BttF AU, but a fusion with Steins;Gate, because time travel is not complicated ENOUGH, I have to make it WORSE. In this story, Marty is raised in the dystopian future with the goal of going back to the past to kill Doc Brown before he can create time travel. I liked the idea a lot, but to be honest I think I even confused myself with it. I'd sort of like to keep writing it, but it'll take a lot more effort than I can foresee me wanting to put in any time soon. Tagging: (if I can remember which of my friends write) um... @braincoins, @nomadsky, and, uh... I know that more of you are writers, so just... take it and pretend I tagged you! 

[k-liight]

   that's right, folks, I've got another new story! it's called Livewire!, and it’s a superhero story, but with that signature k-Liight twist--in this case, a superheroic protagonist that isn't the usual chiseled block-jawed hyper-masculine dude you see so often in other superhero stories twist (among other differences XD). I probably won't be able to explain each and every character in full detail, but I will give you a brief overview, and I will tell you the story ;3 it goes something like this:

   Deep within the heart of north-central Florida, a dangerous battle between two powerful groups is taking place right under the common people’s noses. One side is fighting to preserve the old laws and ways, the other is aiming for new laws and change. Among those fighting for change is the duo of former secret agent Patrick Guerrero and his mutated daughter Gertrude, otherwise known as La Bestia. The two have had a long-time beef with the conservative Dr Droid and his own daughter Deedee. While Dr Droid’s coalition may be small, Patrick Guerrero’s band of vigilantes is even smaller, and he’s looking for more members, superpowered or not. He’s looking for brave and determined individuals, especially young people, who are dissatisfied with the way the world is now, and will fight almost to the death for what they believe in. However, he’s having a hard time finding truly qualified individuals. But that is about to change.    Enter our hero, Xavier Templeton, a cute, chubby, bubbly, pansexual femboy aspiring to be a singer/actor/comedian. Because he doesn’t conform to the usual male gender norms, his parents, Frank and Dolly, often raise their eyebrows at their son, and don’t really approve of his feminine ways. They also don’t approve of his friends, which include Renee, a sweet but always late trans girl, Starlynn, a bisexual female football player, and Jason, a serious but creative non-binary gay boy. They’re afraid that he's not being the best influence on his three little brothers, Finn, Oliver, and Oscar, even though said brothers love Xavier to death. He’s rather unpopular and very misunderstood, but Xavier always looks on the bright side of things, and manages to keep a positive attitude almost all the time.    But one day, Xavier’s uptight parents put his positive attitude to the test. After a seemingly normal day at school, he comes home to find all his music, makeup, prized possessions, and even his clothes gone. Mr and Mrs Templeton decided to get rid of all his feminine things for good, and they’re not giving anything else back until he promises to behave like a “normal boy”. Angry and upset, he runs off and finds himself in the local park, where he ends up meeting Patrick Guerrero. Noticing the boy’s sadness, Patrick invites Xavier to join his “secret group” and hands him a business card. Xavier ponders the offer and is at first unsure, but when Starlynn says she knows Patrick and heard all about what happened from him, Xavier reconsiders the invitation and decides to accept it.    Whatever he was expecting from this “secret group”, it certainly wasn’t a clan of vigilante superheroes. He especially wasn’t expecting some of them to be mutants! But what surprised him the most is that Starlynn is in the group too, going under the name Vega--and she’s got superstrength! After getting over his initial shock, he meets La Bestia; at first, he is intimidated by her size and stoicness, but when she starts acting awkwardly, he finds her adorable. He meets the others too: icy Sub-Zero, fiery Hephaestus, speedy Zipp, wise Cynthia, nerdy Nate, and the mysterious Sorallea. They all become enraptured with Xavier, and they promise to not only help him be himself while his parents aren’t looking, but also to train him to become a superhero himself. They buy Xavier more masculine clothing to wear when his parents are around (hence the traditional doodle of him in that button-up and khakis), but then let him change back into something he's more comfortable in. They also teach him how to fight, and other skills needed to be a superhero.     Turns out that Xavier has a special superpower of his own—the ability to harness electricity! He is also a very fast learner, and soon he’s ready to join the team in battle, going under the alias of Livewire. But defeating Dr Droid’s forces isn’t going to be easy. Somehow his crew is growing larger, and it seems that they’re outsourcing regular people without their knowledge via scamming. And when Xavier’s own parents fall victim to Dr Droid’s crime, he is given the hard choice to save his family and risk his identity and independence, or to hold onto his freedom and lose them all forever.    Now little things you should know about specific characters: first Xavier. as you might have already suspected, he is a very Gene-inspired character, in both his personality and his aspirations, and his supersuit is even based off of Gene's in my Superhero AU (which I haven't touched in AGES, good lord). his little doggie, Pepper, is his personal service dog that he takes to school due to his bad anxiety. She's very loyal and well-trained, but she can be a bit overprotective of her owner, and sometimes growls at people who obviously pose no threat to Xavier. Starlynn is perhaps his closest friend, since they've known each other for the longest, and she's that one friend who's a freaking bottomless pithole. she's also that one friend who uses really gross humor LOL. Patrick Guererro is a high-spirited liberal former secret agent who quit the job because it made him do things he didn't support, so he decided to form a superhero team instead. his daughter La Bestia is generally tough and serious, but she's also pretty socially awkward due to being isolated from the rest of the world most of her life. Zipp is a funny one, she's either cynical and serious or a mischievous little shit. there is no in between. XD and I was going to talk a little bit about the villains, but fucking dA "stopped responding" and it didn't save that part and I am NOT typing all that again. oh well, I'll be sure to make profiles of each of these characters at some point and I'll really talk about them then.    you can expect more of these guys in the future, especially Xavier, because he is my mutha-feckin' baby. XD