Lance knows they’re in for it the second his brain decides to wake him up, because there’s no way he’s up on time. Simulated light shines brightly on their bed, lighting the whole room up, and Lance is groggier than he usually is. They’ve most definitely slept in.
He squeezes his eyes shut, allowing himself three seconds of peace before dragging himself upright, sitting criss-cross-applesauce on the mattress, blankets still pulled up to his hips. There’s a low groan from beside him, despairing almost, and the sign of it makes Lance’s lips quirk up despite his morning grouchiness.
“Time to get up,” he says quietly, trying to blink the bleariness out from his eyes. He glances at his slippers, trying to convince himself that it’s worth getting up and facing the day. (It does not go well.)
He boyfriend grunts again, then shifts slightly, dragging his arms out from under his pillow and clamping them around Lance’s waist instead. He squeezes for a moment then relaxes, breath huffing on Lance’s bare skin. Lance places his hand on Keith’s head, brushing through the tangled mullet without looking. Keith makes several pleased noises, muffled by Lance’s hip, where he has decided to keep his face until further notice.
“We’re late for training, baby.”
Keith hums, tightening his hold. “Mhm. Tragic.”
Lance huffs, grin getting a little wider. He tries to look back at his slippers, really convince himself — they are the leaders of Voltron, after all, what kind of example does it set for the rest of the Atlas crew if they don’t bother waking up in the mornings — but he can’t pull his gaze away from Keith.
He doesn’t get the chance, often, to stop and stare. Keith gets self conscious, rarely allowing it, and they’re so busy besides. To have the chance now is a treat. A luxury. A gift, really.
And who is Lance to turn away a gift?
He settles back into the pillows with a sigh, upright enough that he won’t fall back asleep, but reclined enough that it’s clear he’s not getting up, either. The position isn’t lost on Keith, who smiles widely enough that Lance feels it, the slightest press of crooked incisors on the soft skin of his hip.
“Don’t get used to this,” Lance warns. “It’s not happening again.”
Keith kisses him slightly, not moving. “Sure, sweetheart. Whatever you say.”
Lance tugs on his hair, rolling his eyes. Keith’s shakes slightly as he laughs, completely unintimidated, then settles back in to the bed. His breathing evens, and he’s out within seconds.
“I hate how you can do that,” Lance mutters. “Goober.”
He sits for a while, contemplative, as Keith’s snores full the room again. He traces the shape of Keith’s bare shoulders, the curve of his rins and waist, the jut of his hipbone, the bend of his knee. With his eyes, first, then with light, careful fingers; running along the heat of his boyfriend’s skin, over the sheer just barely covering his backside, as far as he can reach. Not to start something, for once, although he wouldn’t be opposed to it, but to feel his chest expand with every breath, the coarseness of short black hairs covering his skin, the bumps and stutters of scars crisscrossing everywhere he can look. The ridges of a map he’s studied thousands of times before, worshipped, noted and re-noted again and again and again, committed to memory.
“You are the most beautiful thing in this goddamn universe.” It’s a breathless kind of awe, the way he says it, like he’s just discovered it. He hasn’t — he’s known Keith was beautiful for as long as he’s known Keith — but he’s reminded every day, every morning they wake up together, every time they train and Keith’s grace and power is entrancing. He never forgets, but every time he looks at him he’s reminded.
His eyes start to grow heavy. He’s not tired — not really — and he’s only just woken up from hours of sleep, but Keith is so warm. He slides down the headboard of their bed, adjusting himself in Keith’s arms, resting his head on his chest and sliding his hands up his back until they’re resting almost on his shoulders, hooked under his underarms, gripping him like a buoy in deep water. He presses his ear right above his heart, closing his eyes as the steady beat pounds, and matches his breathing to his boyfriend’s snores.
Training can wait.
———
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I'm Your Wreck - 1
Rated: E
Chapters: 1/5
Desc: Fifty years after the Restoration, twenty-five after Allura's return, only two years after their (supposedly amicable) divorce, Lance gets a letter inviting him to her wedding to Lotor. Thirty-five years after Keith's rise at the Kral Zera, thirty after the Galran Civil War, and twenty five after Lotor's election as the leader of the New Galran Republic, Keith is not invited to the wedding.
Lance is about to change that- for better or worse.
“You’re joking…” Keith stared. “You’re joking,” but no, Lance’s face didn’t move. “That’s gotta be the worst idea you’ve ever had.”
“I’ve definitely had worse. Remember Xyston?”
“Lance- I just spent an hour convincing Shiro we aren’t fucking! Now you wanna convince everyone we’re back together!”
“So we tell Shiro we lied!” When that earned a sour look, Lance dug in, “It makes perfect sense! We can say we didn’t wanna tell the public about us so soon after the divorce- because it’d look bad. It’s only been two years and we’re classier than that, but if Allura’s got no issue marrying Lotor, it seems like fair game…”
“So that’s what you’re actually mad about.” Keith couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it sooner.
“Two years, Keith! It’s a short engagement for people who aren’t freshly-divorced from their best friend.”
“Thought I was your best friend.”
“You definitely are if you fake-date me to make Allura jealous…”
“She’s not gonna be jealous, she’s getting married.” The fact that Lance’s mouth was running so far ahead of his brain was a sign that Keith should say no to this- right? "You don’t even want her to be, you divorced her.”
“Then to protect my pride! What do you need me to say?”
Lance’s eyes were huge and pleading and Keith already knew- he wasn’t gonna be able to say no, but- “Say please.”
“You’re ridiculous. Please.”
“No, I mean…really say it.”
“You want me to beg?
“Kinda.”
Lance made a production of getting onto his knees- grunting as if they’d aged a day over twenty-five, clutching Keith’s hand, he put his forehead against it, looked up at him. “Please, Keith- buddy, partner. Yin to my yang. Thelma to my Louise, be my Huckleberry- just this once and I won’t ask anything else of you ever again.”
“That’s not begging, that’s lying.”
“It’s not- I’ll owe you forever. I’ll even let you break up with me this time. I won’t even stab you first.”
Keith tugged his hand away, “Shut up.”
Lance didn’t move from the floor, stared.
“Fine!”
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They all sort of… paired off, after the war. Not, like, exact pairs — maybe more like groups. Shiro reunited with Adam. The two of them bought a house far the fuck away from the Garrison and everything associated with it. Hunk and Pidge paired off, both pursuing their doctorates like the smartypants they were and are. Allura, Coran, and Romelle stayed on Earth for a bit, but all three of them ached for the comfort of home, and returned to New Altea eventually.
That left Lance and Keith.
Well, not really. Originally Lance assumed it meant he was left alone to try and reconnect with the family he’d grown away from — a family he loved and still loves with every fibre of his being, but the family that he couldn’t quite… click with, anymore. He’s changed, they’d changed, and he wasn’t sure where he fit. He’d been scared, although he wouldn’t admit it.
Keith had been the one to approach him, actually. Asked Lance if he’d want to move in with him.
“You’re not moving in with Shiro and Adam?”
Keith snorted. “Absolutely not. They have retired into a little home on the prairies, or whatever. I have some respect for my ears and so I will not be moving in to the constant background noise of my brother having regular honeymoon sex, or whatever.”
It was a joke. He’d meant for Lance to laugh. But the shock was still ringing through his head; laughter was the furthest thing from his mind.
“With the Alteans, then, to New Altea?”
“Nope.”
“The Blades, with your mother?”
“I’ve had enough of the Blade of Marmora, I think. I liked it there, but I don’t really want to do it for the rest of my life. Besides, I actually missed Earth. I didn’t realise how pretty it was here ‘til I left.”
“…Oh.”
And it has been fine, for the first few days. Awkward, but fine. It had been like having a roommate, really — not that Lance knew what that was like, but he could wager a guess. They made schedules, divvied up chores, occasionally hung out on the couch.
It came out of nowhere, Lance’s hurt. Well, not really nowhere. It had to come out sometime. But it had seemed so random, then. Lance had pushed the hurt down so far for so long it was almost unrecognisable, but then there it was: for the first time in as long as he could remember, Lance wanted everyone else to ache as badly as he did. To writhe, to suffer. He wanted Pidge to feel stupid. He wanted Hunk to feel abandoned. He wanted Shiro to feel small, for Allura to feel dismissed and second-rate. He wanted them to hurt for every pain they’d made him feel. He’d wanted Keith, especially, to feel hated. He’d wanted Keith to feel like he was lesser and a burden and unloved and forgotten.
Lance wanted to be cruel. But he couldn’t bring himself to say the words, so he went silent.
Keith noticed, because of course he did. They didn’t talk to many other people, the two of them. He’d left it, at first. Lance didn’t know what Keith assumed was going on, but he’d smiled at Lance more and left it at that. After a week of Lance’s silence, though, he’d started to get a little pushy.
“Hey, you okay? We haven’t talked in a while.”
Lance kept his eyes on the task in front of him, scrubbing the plate a little harder.
“Which is weird,” Keith continued, “because we literally live together. Super weird, actually. Unlikely, even.”
The plate cracked in Lance’s hand, porcelain shatters embedding themselves into his palm. The water turned pink.
“Jesus, Lance, what happened?” Keith rushed forward, grabbing a clean dishtowel and reaching for Lance’s arm.
Lance flinched.
Keith froze.
“…Lance?”
Lance swallowed. He drained the soiled water, carefully scooping out the broken pieces to discard, but a pale hand reached over again, slowly this time. Hesitantly. Lance forced himself to stay still, even as he felt bile rising up his throat. Forced himself to keep his fists from clenching, so the shards didn’t get any deeper. Forced himself to breath.
“Let me get it,” Keith said softly.
He didn’t want to. He didn’t want Keith’s help, Keith’s gentleness. He didn’t need it anymore. He had needed it, then, needed Keith’s gentleness and care and love and smile and embrace but he didn’t fucking get it, then, not when he needed it, not when he was gasping and drowning for it, so why the fuck would he take it now? Why would he take Keith’s offered hand, now, when his heart had moved on?
His jaw ached, strained with the need to yell the words. To spit them in Keith’s face.
Where were you? He wanted to yell. Where were you when I was suffering? When I was dying? When I was begging the sun to shine and it rained on me as I lay drowning? Where was your hand, then? Your saving grace?
But he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. So he dried his hands, swallowed the lump in his throat, and walked away.
———
It would have been one thing if he was declining calls. But it really ached that his phone was drier than the desert. Now that he wasn’t calling, wasn’t reaching out to the people that were supposed to be one with him, they’d dropped him. Were they even thinking of him? Was he even on their radar? Did they talk to each other, and was Lance the odd one out?
He hoped they still thought about him, even occasionally. It was too painful to think otherwise. It was stupid to feel the pain, anyway, to wish they called even though Lance knows damn well he wouldn’t answer. He’s still furious with each and every one of them, although the hurt is starting to overcome to anger.
Part of the ache is that he doesn’t really… do much. They’re not allowed to accept jobs, not for another four months. They had psych evals, after that final battle, all of ‘em. Apparently they each had PTSD, and until they were ‘appropriately settled into a civilian life’, it was ‘unfair to both them and their employer to expect regular labour’. Why they weren’t allowed to do some freelance stuff or whatever, Lance didn’t know, but it meant a lot of time wasting away in his room. He’d tried helping the relief effort, and he’d done that for a while, but he’d had a couple… episodes. Maybe he was a little affected by the war, the Omega Shield in particular. Whatever. What he does know is that he’d become very well-acquainted with the insides of his eyelids. He can’t remember the last time he was awake for longer than six consecutive hours.
There’s a knock at the door. Lance doesn’t even bother taking the pillow off his head.
“Lance?” Keith calls.
Lance doesn’t acknowledge him. Even if he had the energy, he hasn’t talked to Keith in five months. He hasn’t talked to anyone in five months, not even his mamá. He doubts his voice even works, anymore.
Keith sighs heavily. “I’m going to see your mother,” he says. “She invited us both for dinner again. She’s worried about you. So am I. You coming? She’s making garlic knots.” The last sentence is coaxing, singsong. Lance wonders when Keith’s patience is going to give out. He’s surprised he’s even lasted this long. He wonders what he’s gonna do when Keith finally quits. Breaks the lease, packs his bags. Leaves Lance again.
Maybe it’s not fair for Lance to be angry at Keith for something he’s not even done, yet. But Lance is tired. Too tired for nuance.
Keith leaves without him.
———
The most action Lance gets, any day of the week, is timing when Keith is out of the house, because then he can go eat. (Does he eat every day? Probably. Maybe. Honestly, he’s not sure. Time kind of blurs. He eats when he’s so hungry he can’t sleep, and showers when he convinces himself he should.) He’s gotten pretty good at it, actually. He’s so tuned in to Keith’s footsteps that they actually wake him up, because his body knows that it’s the only time it’s moving.
(Lance does know, objectively, that he’s killing himself. He knows it. He feels it in the frailty of his bones, the bags under his eyes even though he does nothing but sleep. In the way his mouth always feels gross because he rarely makes himself brush his teeth. In the way he’s running out of things he cares about, reasons to stay alive.)
That’s probably why he perks up now, hearing the footsteps approach his door. He’s a little angry at himself for the perking up in question, but whatever. Who cares. Keith is going to talk to him vaguely through the door and give up, and then Lance can go back to sleep, and then Lance can stop thinking about it.
Keith’s not talking to him through the door. He’s also not leaving. In fact, the only sound Lance hears is the jiggling of the handle.
Lance blinks. He sits up. Every joint cracks, because he hasn’t moved in a very long time.
Oh no.
The door swings open, revealing Keith in all his glory, holding a pillow and a blanket and looking very, very determined. He walks over to Lance’s bed and shoves him a little, albeit gently. Lance bites back an incredulous ‘what the fuck do you think you’re doing’. Keith either does not notice or care, throwing his pillow beside Lance’s and crawling on the bed. He fluffs the blanket over both of them, and Lance tells himself that he does not care.
“We’re watching a movie,” Keith says firmly, “like we did when we first moved in. And we are perhaps going to even chat, but no pressure. Mostly you’re going to do something that isn’t being unconscious, and we’re going to do it together.”
Lance takes a moment to process that. Mostly he feels nothing. Whatever. Keith can do what he wants. Lance will just wait until Keith gets bored and then go back to sleep.
But another part of him reminds him of the pain Keith caused. The hurt he felt.
Not now, Lance.
I just don’t want to spend eternity with Lance.
The rage lights the fire back into his heart. The molten lava of his pain spreads throughout his veins, and he tenses. The words crawl up his throat. He shoves them down.
“We’re watching Barbie Pegasus, because you love that movie.”
Lance shoves the words down.
“And then you’re going to call your mother.”
He shoves them down.
“And then we’re going to do a face mask.”
Down.
“I was gonna bring snacks, but we don’t have any of that pink-coated popcorn you like and I haven’t gone grocery shopping in a while, actually, so the fridge is kind of barren.”
Down.
“Uh, that’s it for plans. I’ll be honest, I kind of stormed in here with very little forethought.”
“Why do you care now?”
The words burst out of him. He can do nothing to stop them, nor can he stop the tears.
Keith startles. “You talked,” he breathes. He sounds awed. “Like, really. With your mouth and vocal chords.”
Lance ignores him. “You said you didn’t want me,” he says. He tastes salt and acid. “You said you wanted to be away from me eternity. You think I am annoying. You only want to live with me because you have no other options. You don’t love me. The rest of the team stopped loving me months ago. My family mourned me, they don’t need me anymore. I don’t — I don’t know why you’re here. Why are you still here? Why — I don’t know. I don’t understand! I want to hate you! You hurt me, you hurt every part of me! You broke my fucking heart, Keith, and you don’t seem sorry and I don’t know what to do with the pieces, now.”
Lance doesn’t look at Keith. He can’t. He clenches the blanket Keith brought in his fists, watching the grey of the fabric get blurrier and blurrier as the tears build and drop from his eyes.
“Lance.”
Lance swallows.
“Lance, look at me.”
Keith sounds like he’s begging. Lance sobs.
“I’m so lost, Keith. I’m so — lost.”
“Oh, Lance.” Keith reaches out for him. Lance doesn’t move. He doesn’t flinch, he doesn’t reach back. He sits there. Keith doesn’t seem to mind. He wraps a solid arm around Lance’s waist, dragging him closer. He turns Lance around once he’s close enough, pressing his face into his neck. This time, Lance goes willingly.
He’s still mad. He’s still hurt. His heart still aches and he doesn’t know how to feel.
But it’s been so long since he’s been held. Weeks. Months. (Years, really. It stopped in space, the affection. Everyone got busy, and then got tired. He doesn’t even remember if he hugged his sisters, when they got back, or if there was too much to worry about.)
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know,” Keith whispers. His hands run gently through Lance’s probably gross hair. “I didn’t realize. I didn’t think about how much I was hurting you, how much you were already hurt. I was scared. Everything was changing for me, I was stressed, I was supposed to lead people I didn’t know had to lead.” He sighs. He presses a kiss to Lance’s head. “I failed you, Lance. I’m sorry.”
Lance sobs again. It’s been… so long, since someone apologized. Since someone cared about his pain. It’s — soothing. Cold water running over his skin, cooling the burns. He clutches Keith tighter.
Maybe things will be okay.
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