#productive being productive feels great bc i’m never productive anymore but apparently i still am capable of it i’m pretty

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

been sooooo productive lately :3

[theshinsun]

4, 5, 7, 10, 13, 15, 16, 17, 23, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 33, 36, 39, 40, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 59, 60 [Which do you prefer between Knb and Haikyuu?] for the ask you recently reblogged please?

4. what are you looking forward to?

I'm looking forward to school starting again, even if it's just a weird hybrid of online/flipped classes, I miss my teachers and like, being productive. also if I'm in class I can't be worked borderline inhumane hours right…. right??

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?

yeah, my roommate. she always either knows how to cheer me up, or blunders around trying to find the right method to the point that it's funny and I end up smiling anyway. she's really awesome like that.

7. what was your life like last year?

it had a lot of ups and downs. I had a great job, but the people I worked with eventually made it toxic and awful. I was doing really well in school, but stressed all the time, had an awesome relationship but kind of ruined it w my anxiety, and had serious roommate issues that made me afraid to leave my bedroom or even come home, sometimes. I remember a lot of very high highs and very low lows especially in the fall/winter of that year.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?

well, yes and no… I don't tend to show a lot of emotion to begin with, but what I do show, I'm basically incapable of hiding, and apparently I'm a terrible liar bc my face gives me away.

13. how do you feel right now?

I'm pretty alright… kind of anxious, kind of tired, but that's just been the status quo lately tbh. 

15. personality description

already answered, so I suppose I'll elaborate. I'm simultaneously like, the most confident and the most self-doubting person I know... like there are certain things I'm super certain of and times when I feel no shame, and there are others where I'll just shrivel into a ball of anxiety and mortification and never come out. in the same vein, I'm simultaneously very trusting and open and very wary and cautious with people… it really depends on the situation and the person I think, I'm a very "you get out what you put in" person.

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn't?

yeah, I’m still holding onto things I’ve wanted to tell certain people tbh… I used to be a lot more forthcoming and not worry about the consequences of what I had to say, but now that I’ve seen what power words have to ruin relationships and impact people I tend to hold back quite a bit. 

17. opinion on insecurities

I have… many, but I understand that I shouldn't and am working on the ones I do have. I think feeling insecure can lead to some of the most ugly, toxic emotions and responses in certain people, so I'm trying to be conscientious of that.

23. fear(s)

um let’s see… jump scares, the dark (sometimes), corners I can’t see around, drowning/suffocating, pain, failure, losing control...

27. things I hate

wet socks, sunburn, acne, willful ignorance, bigotry, excessively negative people… uh… idk hate's a strong word that's all I've got

28. I'll love you if…

if you are genuinely, authentically yourself. if you’re the kind of person I can feel comfortable and at ease with. if you show me patience and compassion and make an effort to know me and let me know you… then yeah you’re never getting rid of me. 

29. favorite film(s)

The Road to El Dorado, Into the Spider-verse, Howl’s Moving Castle, Spirit, Life of Pi, The Truman Show, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

30. favorite tv show(s)

Haikyuu!!, Kuroko no Basuke, Avatar, Bojack Horseman, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Beastars, Dragonball Z

31. 3 random facts

already answered so here's three more

1. lately I've been carrying a fanny pack with the trans flag (there's an unfortunate but very tempting pun in there) and it's still got the security tag bc they forgot to take it off in the store so now every time I walk through the doorway to like, a drug store, I set off the alarm. I would get it taken off but it was sent to me from Chicago lol.

2. I've got a lot of outdoorsy skills bc of my gym class in high school, like rock climbing, kayaking, building fire, etc. I'm not super adventurous in my daily life but while I was in that class, I did all kinds of things.

3. for awhile I worked at a cat cafe, and helped take care of the 12-15 rescue cats we'd have there at any given time. I stand by that it was the best job I've ever had, but the people I worked with, not so much. 

33. something you want to learn

I really want to learn to skateboard or surf. it's been a dream for a long time and I have (suspiciously acquired) both, but my balance is shit and I have no patience for new skills lately, so...

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?

already answered so here's three more

1. someday I want to have a pickup truck, I've been looking at, like, bright orange Tacomas and stuff, but of course I'd need a license to be able to drive one

2. I'd like to have a garden again, or maybe have a plot in a community garden. I've been growing nasturtiums and things on my balcony while in school but it's not quite the same

3. still waiting on the day I can get top surgery tbh. I just… want to be able to be shirtless at the beach and wear tank tops with nothing underneath, okay?

39. favorite sport(s)

ahahahaha… favorite sport you say. to play or to watch? 'cause I generally don't like to do either, tho I do like watching the folks who play volleyball on the beach. and considering one of my favorite shows is about volleyball and it was the sport I sucked at the least in school, maybe we’ll go with volleyball? but in general I’m not a sports person. 

40. favorite memory

I have a vague memory… of helping my mom in the garden of my old house when I was a little kid, mostly just digging in the dirt in the spring and being outside with my family… it's not very clear or specific but I think those days were some of the happiest of my life.

52. something I'm talented at

I'm good at learning the lyrics to songs, I've got over 1000 downloaded in my spotify library and I'm pretty sure I know the words to at least most of them. in a similar vein I'm good at learning the scripts to movies, and just… memorizing things in general especially audio.

53. 5 things that make me happy

already answered so here's some more!

1. songs with a light, strummy acoustic feel and creative lyrics… I've got a whole playlist for that vibe there's just something about songs like that that make me really calm

2. I really like being hugged or cuddled by my friends, just being in close proximity and hanging all over each other, makes me all warm and fuzzy inside tbh

3. I love driving with the windows down (I can't drive so I mean riding passenger lol), especially in the canyon by my house, through the forest and by the beach.

54. something that's worrying me at the moment

I’m so afraid things won’t go back to the way they were. ...that applies to multiple aspects of my life, not just with this pandemic but school, work, friends, relationships… it seems like I’m always chasing the past and dreading the future, so much that I can’t ever be satisfied in the present moment, and that’s something that’s been on my mind a lot. 

55. tumblr friends

@hadenxcharm, @spaztictwitch, @kurokonobaka, @taigainside, @hybristophilica and you could be too! all you gotta do is message me tbh I'm easy

56. favorite food(s)

strawberry cheesecake, fried shrimp, key lime pie, tuna steak

59. why I joined tumblr

I joined in 2012 bc my friends told me to, had a brief recession where I didn't use it at all, and a pretty lengthy sidetrack through the RP community, and then I came back bc of the friends I'd made here, and the unique-ness of the platform that I kinda can't find anywhere else. I'm stuck here just like the rest of y'all. 

60. ask me anything you want (which do you prefer between KNB and Haikyuu?)

now this is a tough one… bc I really love them both a lot, and tbh in terms of quality of writing, art/animation, thematic music, character development and general story, I think Haikyuu!! has KNB beat, buuuuuut…. in spite of its flaws, I have such a soft spot for KNB and I keep coming back to it over and over again even as it falls into relative obscurity. It's the only thing I write for anymore and I'm still, somehow, utterly obsessed with the characters I first fell in love with over five years ago. KNB has problems, for sure, but the things it gets right (like setting a mood, strong emotional beats and character relationships) it knocks out of the park. I don't know if I could ever choose one over the other in terms of like, "you can only read/watch one of these and have to give up the other forever", but in terms of which has had the biggest impact, and still hits me the hardest, I'd probably have to go with KNB… but it's not by any means an easy choice.     

[fo-love]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the ask box of the last 10 people who reblogged something from you. Spread some happiness in the world 😊 💕💕

:) 💕

Hsjsj hmm,, having people tell/show me they're proud of me! It doesn't happen often so when someone tells me that I did a certain this nicely or that I should be proud about how thus thing turned out I always work on it more, hoping to make it better for the people who told me they like it. That's actually how I got so into drawing, I remember doing it as a child and my parents would always encourage it so I continued to draw and still do so now. Since I've been drawing for so long it's just a normal thing to show my mom them and I don't hear her say it a bunch anymore but that's why I work so hard in it!

Having people give me something they made! Like yea store bought stuff is nice ig but have you ever had your friends/family give you something they made?? It's great! I currently have 3 drawings from friends (two voltron characters, one cat), one coloring from my little sister (cat), and one drawing from my little cousin (a cat with wings), along with a painting my friend made (genderfluid pride flag with my nickname [cheeto] on it) on my wall; and I have a sign on my door made by my little sister (my name is misspelled but I don't mind I love it anyway)

Head pats! Like,,, they make me unusually happy,, usually if you give someone a head pat they'll either not react or give a small smile. But if you give me a head pat I'm like (*^ω^*) and you have just made my entire week. And if you like Pat my head and kinda leave your hand there I've been told I usually lean into your hand?? Like I don't even notice I do it I just do apparently

Just someone being like "this reminded me of you" it doesn't have to be a product or anything and if it is they don't have to buy it. Like just getting sent a picture with "this reminded me of you" is such a nice feeling. Like it can be a cool rock, or a weird shaped leaf, or an odd cloud, or a post, or a character from a movie/show/game/etc, or a meme, anything really!! I guess it's because it eases my worries about being forgotten easily a bit, it's just nice to know that I'm not being forgotten :)

Getting into something new! Well most of the time, sometimes I'll get annoyed bc when I get into a new thing 99.9% of the time it becomes a new hyperfixation and it's just a bother cause I can't like things normally I'm either obsessed or uninterested djjdnd ✋😔 but I enjoy getting into new things bc I often worry about there being things out there that I'd truly enjoy but never find so when I find a new thing I enjoy my mind is basically like haha one down ùwú also, if my siblings aren't into it that makes it even better!! Growing up with so many siblings you have to share almost everything and this includes interests. Which sucks bc I'm the quiet middle child so usually if another sibling is interested in what I am, they get more credit for it. For example; BTS is associated with my younger sister despite me listening to and enjoying them first, HTTYD is associated with my other younger sister despite me showing interest first, same thing with my younger brother and Pokemon, p!atd is associated with my older sister despite me listening to them first, video games are associated with my two older brothers not matter how much I enjoy them, BnHA is associated with my younger brother despite me being interested first and watching it more, etc. So finding things they aren't interested in is a breath of fresh air, that's another reason I love Deathnote so much! My two younger sisters don't handle violence well, my brother thinks it's too mainstream (*cough*says the one who listens to rappers purely bc everyone else does*cough*) and my older sister doesn't care about anime and my older brother just doesn't want to watch it, and my oldest brother has already seen it and doesn't care for it too much.

[sunnysidewrites]

Neighbor!Woozi

based on this post hehehe

i just fed yall TWICE. in the span of just 2 DAYS!!! AND THEY’RE BOTH MORE OR LESS THE SAME LONG ASS LENGTH!!! yeah that’s right i went overboard again gtg

happy happy bday to the lovely admin bee of @mansaeboysbe you are such a beautiful person inside and out, and im incredibly proud to know someone like you :’))) i’ve already sent a bday message to you so im not tryna redo it LOL but just know that i love you a whole lot and i always will! 💗💗💗💗💓💓 (she’s also the same person who gave me those beautiful headers on my mlist so please give her tons of love <333) love you sm hub hope you have a wonderful and fantastic day!!!

*to all the mutuals with bdays that have either passed or are coming up, i love you all SO FREAKING MUCH so pls dont feel left out!! it just so happened that i wanted to write this au for a long time and i wanted to present it as a bday gift for this jihoon stan hehe but i rlly love each every single one of u ok babes? <333*

warnings: i feel like i dragged this on for too long but i hope it’s still cute :’)) also i put in a joke like twice LOL anyways lil wooz only gets tongue-tied around you so you become his muse for songs

You were looking for a place to stay in bc “I am a grown adult i am not living with yall anymore” you @ your parents

And they’re like lol ok Good Luck Kiddo

After a month and a half of deeeeep searching you finally find a reasonably priced place to live in

It’s quite a distance from your parents’ home but it’s the point of you moving out to begin with

On the move-in day, you’re carrying your boxes up to your new apartment complex and you hear some tunes drifting from your next door neighbor

And you’re like hey this is actually really good music but i’ve never heard of it

You shrug it off and continue settling in

Once you finished hauling your boxes, you were about to pass out on your couch

Ok you actually did pass out on your couch

But you had to unpack some necessities later that night for bathroom and bedroom purposes

All you had for dinner was pop in some instant ramen and call it a night. You then hopped in the shower and got ready for bed

The following morning it was primarily you unpacking and shifting around your furniture a little but it was challenging by yourself

You were making a good amount of noise and in the middle of the day you were met with a very loud knock on your door

And you were in the middle of unpacking your kitchenware so you were like oh shoot ahh i’ll be right there!!

Little did you know your next door neighbor wasn’t having any of it

Can’t I get some peace and quiet around here? He grumbled as he impatiently waited for you to open the door

I swear, I’m gonna tell them off they won’t even knOW what will hit--

You finally opened the door, and he’s like oh. My gosh.

You had a few pieces of hair sticking to your forehead and your hair was tied back in a messy bun

You were dressed in a faded coral tee underneath a pair of worn-out denim overalls with house slippers

Everything he planned to complain about suddenly vanished and his first thought was:

“Is that Pikachu on your front pocket?”

Apparently he said that aloud, which he didn’t register until he saw you giggling

“Yeah, it was a hand-me-down! Still cute, right?”

And he’s kinda still just staring at you with his mouth slightly agape

And you’re like oh right ahem did you need anything?

That’s when he notices the utter mess behind you: plastic covering still over some of your furniture, half-emptied boxes littered in almost every inch of the floor, etc.

And that’s when it hits him: all that noise was you unpacking

“O-oh yeah, I just,, wanted to let you know that it was getting a little loud since I live right next door”

He silently curses at himself like i almost went off at my new neighbor rip that wasn’t gonna be a good first impression

Luckily for him, you were chill about it and you’re like omg sorry!!! It’s a little tough doing this by myself, sorry for the ruckus

Before he could stop himself, he blurted out, “do you need any help?”

Jihoon internally: u doofus u have an album to produce whAT ARE U DOING

Jihoon externally: i can help you :))) no matter how smol i may be

But that internal reprimanding melted away when he saw your eyes light up in relief and you’re practically bouncing up and down

“Would you, really??? It would be great if I had another hand around! Oh, but you’re probably occupied doing something, right??” and you feel bad that a stranger, your next door neighbor nonetheless, was about to abandon his work just for you

A cute neighbor, at that

Jihoon is like ok this is your chance to get away and go back to work cmon man

But there’s just something about you that pulls him in magnetically and he finds himself trying to reason internally that it’ll just be for a “few moments”

Yyyeaaahhh that doesn’t happen lmao rip Jihoon’s songs

Jihoon is just like “nah it’s fine I can help out for a bit” and you’re like god bless this human being

When you open your door further to let him in, he’s like oh right btw I’m Jihoon

“I’m y/n! Sorry about the mess, I only got here yesterday evening”

He shakes his head and quirks up his lips ever so slightly, “i remember when my place looked like this too except replace this space with music production things”

And you’re like ooOOoOoOO you make songs??? That’s amazing!!

And that’s when you got the ball rolling!!!

“A few moments” turn into hours and the next thing you know it’s dinnertime

“Oh crap sorry for keeping you for this long,,, those songs won’t produce themselves, right? I think I can take it from here”

Admittedly, jihoon didn’t wanna leave just yet bc he actually enjoyed your company and it was nice taking a break from staring at his screen frustratedly

“Well, I don’t mind helping out. I could show you my work one day if you want”

And you’re like holy cheeseballs yES

He starts getting up and brushing off his clothes and you’re a little sad that he’s leaving and he kinda is too :(

“If you’re not too busy tomorrow, you’re welcome to help me out more! I mean, you already helped me a whole lot today, but there’s still some things left to do”

As much as his brain is telling him to NOT DO IT,,,,

He does it

Next thing you know, jihoon is at your door again around the same time and he has something in his hand

As you let him inside, you ask him what it is and he’s like ;))))

“It’s a CD that compiled just a few songs I thought you might like”

And you’re #shook bc did he really just have a CD like this out in the open or did he really take his time yesterday to transfer songs on it??

“Do you have a player or a laptop?”

“Yeah, my laptop is on my bed, you can bring it out here!” You shout over your shoulder as you arrange your things in the living room

Shortly afterwards he emerges from the hallway and he presses a few buttons and clicks here and there and beautiful melodies ring out from your speakers

You can’t help but stop rustling to take in the sweet tunes and you’re just like :’))) have i heard anything so beautiful??? :’)))

One of the songs sound vaguely familiar and you realize it’s what you heard when you first arrived here

“Did you actually produce this??? This sounds like an actual song you can hear on the radio”

And he’s like yep made by yours truly!!!

He was only using “yours truly” half-metaphorically if you know what I mean ;)))

You keep bouncing to all the catchy tunes and swaying to the soulful ones

And in all honesty, seeing your reactions makes Jihoon feel really warm and even a little proud bc it’s one of the biggest reasons why he loves his job so much

He makes eye contact with you and you’re like :D and he’s like ahEM COuGh coUGh i’m gonna dust this shelf over here

He suddenly stands up and busies himself and you’re like ???? okie dokie

He’s a real help around the place and you’re practically done settling in

As you survey your fresh living space, you can’t help but feel a little…. Disheartened?

Bc it was actually really fun to have him around even while he made blunt remarks about your taste of decorations

“This looks like something my five-year-old niece would have”

“For your information, I got that from a five-year-old!! It’s cute, alright!”

You spent the past three days with Jihoon unpacking and talking about whatever comes to mind

Jihoon is pretty devastated that he has to go back to his makeshift studio in his room as much as he will never admit it

He eventually leaves your place and the both of you are just sad little puppies

From then on, every time you pass by each other, you greet him with a friendly smile and wave and you never fail to make his heart skip several beats

You don’t talk as much as how you first started bc he’s gotten much busier trying to mass-produce a lot of songs

For some strange reason, every time you hear a melody coming from the other side of the walls, you feel like you’re somehow connected with him

Well, except for the muffled cursing LMAO

And sometimes you would also hear several male voices at once and you’re guessing they’re his friends or the people he’s working with on the song, but based on their friendly banter and the constant run-throughs, it’s probably both

You would hear the same melody play over and over again, and you’re guessing he’s stuck on a certain part of a song as he tries to recreate new melodies from that point on

“aaAAGHGHHHGGHHHH” *deep sigh* me trying to overcome writer’s block LMAO

This would happen for about half an hour and you can’t help but wanting to reach out to him, but you’re not exactly the most musically-inclined person sadly

When he ultimately calms down, he goes back to working on the song until he finally gets the results he desires

More often than not, you fall asleep from hearing the slow ballads he creates with a smile on your face

Lil Jihoon does try to visit you and vice versa!! He sometimes shows up with random food and more CDs and you’re wondering just how many songs has this guy produced in his lifetime??? He looks around the same age as you but he’s probably produced 26+ songs by the way he packs a decent amount on each CD

Usually his excuse to sharing a meal with you is that “the guys brought over too much and i have a ton of leftovers that i can’t finish by myself”

In reality, he stared at a restaurant’s menu and contemplated for about twenty minutes about what you would like. This guy’s got dedication not just for work

“Would it be weird if i get fried chicken?? Maybe just a bowl of noodles?? What if soup is better??? It would give weird vibes if i bought drinks too, right?? Or should i just go ahead and buy them???”

Regardless of what he buys, you’re eager to eat anything and everything with your fav neighbor *wink wonk*

You feel bad when he would do that though, so you try to return the favor every so often as well

One time, you ordered some takeout but the servings were waaaaay bigger than advertised and you’re like Idea!! Let’s head over next door!! So you took the plastic bags and put in some drinks before heading out the door

You knocked on the door and that was when you heard light chatter on the other side of the door

You’re like sldjfljds i hope im not interrupting anything aaa mAYBE I SHOULD JUST LEAVE--

Too late, someone’s voice rang out “I’ll get it!” and next thing you know, the door swings out to reveal a face you’ve never seen before

“Oh, hi!” He says a little surprisedly but with a smile nevertheless

“H-hi, umm,,,, is Jihoon there?”

The guy is nodding his head in the direction of the back hallway, “yeah, he’s in the bathroom” and that’s when he looks down at your hands and his eyes instantly light up

“Omg did you bring food?? You’re so thoughtful!! Come in, come in!!” and before you could protest he literally drags you in and you’re met with a bunch of other strangers who are staring back at you like :oooo????

“Who’s this?? Jihoon never mentioned someone coming over today,, AND YOU CAN’T JUST DRAG SOMEONE IN THIS ISN’T YOUR HOME”

And you’re like ya i didnt know either lmao

You’re awkwardly shifting on your feet and praying jihoon will pop up instantaneously bc you’re gonna melt in embarrassment

“I just wanted to give him some of this,” you hold up your hands to gesture your food, “since it’s too much for me to finish on my own”

“Oh that’s cool! Some of the other guys are actually out to get more lunch, but food goes out fast with all of us here,” another guy says as he pats your shoulder reassuringly. “Well, since you’re already here, you can join us!”

“I-it’s ok! I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything, I just wanted to deliver this,,, I’ll get going” and you’re about to zOOM outta there but the same guy who ushered you in is like nO DONT LEAVE

“We’re taking a lunch break, so it’s cool if you join us! I’m Soonyoung” and he’s like :DDD and you’re just like ,,,, what a hyper guy but i like him

Everyone goes around to introducing themselves

you do a headcount of 8 and you remember there’s more guys getting food for them,,,, holy heck how many people do they have???? You’re about to introduce yourself after them but then

“Soonyoung, who was at the door--” a familiar voice calls out in the hallway before he emerges

And jihoon is like dsljLSJDF what the hELL

“Y/N??? What are you doing here???” *side eyes soonyoung*

And everyone’s making eyes at each other like waIT WAIT THIS IS Y/N???

“Soonyoung dragged me inside”

“Gdi soonyoung, how many times do i have to tell you that you can’t go around dragging people to join us???”

This guy who you think is named Seokmin pipes up, “yeah he does this all the time at our workplace too. A lot of our coworkers always end up extending their stay for far too long” and you’re nodding slowly like yeahhh i can see that happening

Soonyoung’s eyes are widened and he turns to jihoon like “is this the y/n that inspired your recent so--”

And jihoon is quick to cover his mouth so his voice is all muffled

“aHahaAHHAH soonyoung’s always the joker, april fools day!!! Let’s set the table, the others should be back soon”

jihoon whispering to soonyoung: you better sleep with one eye open tonight boi

And you’re like uhh alrighty :)))???

About twenty minutes after you’ve arrived, there’s another knock on the door

Soonyoung is practically bouncing on his way to the door and you can hear more unknown voices

They’re filing in and they suddenly stop and look at you like wait what

Them: :o????

You: :))),,, what up

Jeonghan briefly explains the situation to the guy who came in the door first and you’re lowkey intimidated bc he seems to be eldest and looks like he could beat you up to a pulp

BOY WERE YOU WRONG

After jeonghan tells him, he breaks out into this gigantic, cute gummy smile like welcome!! :DD i’m seungcheol! And the other guys behind him follow suit

Jeonghan’s like “this is,, y/n” and everyone tries to be subtle and nods like they didn’t hear jihoon babble on and on about you for weeks

You: ok why do yall act all weird when my name is brought up whAT DID JIHOON TELL YOU

Them: i would tell you but i don’t wanna die just yet sorry dude

Jihoon, somewhere in the kitchen: SET! THE! TABLE!

You end up staying there for a pretty long time, bonding over the whole feast you have and it’s really lively and fun, not to mention super loud with 13 guys in the same room,,, but you’re genuinely having a good time

Jihoon would glance at you nervously occasionally to check on you if you’re uncomfortable in any way

Jeonghan, who’s sitting next to him, notices jihoon’s eyes are practically glued to you and he’s like “is this the part where you confess your undying love and propose”

And jihoon is like shUT UP NO WHAT this chicken tastes great *quickly chugs down water*

You look back at jihoon sometimes and see he looks flushed but it’s not like he’s drinking alcohol

“Jihoon are you feeling ok?? Your ears are bright red” which obviously makes them redder rip

“I-i’m fine,, wow is it hot in here maybe it’s just the spiciness of the chicken let’s open the windows”

You eventually leave them as much as they protest and even try to get Jihoon to guilt trip you (unsuccessfully)

“Don’t leave just yet y/n!! You should stay, right Jihoon???”

“Huh?? O-oh yeah, I mean, you can if you want,,,,, we kinda need to work though”

Everyone’s looking at jihoon like bro wTF are u kidding me

Rip reader i can feel your heart drop :’(((

You’re feeling slightly dejected but you nod understandingly. You’ve already stayed far longer than you anticipated anyways, and work comes first for Jihoon

“Yeah, I totally get it! Good luck on the album guys!” You put on your shoes and close the door

When they finally hear your own door close, they’re attacking jihoon like

“SO Y/N IS THE ONE BEHIND ALL YOUR SAPPY LOVE SONGS HUH!!!”

“I knew it, the lyrics just suddenly got cheesier -- there had to be someone behind all of that”

And jihoon is just praying you won’t hear what they’re saying like “SHUT UP THESE WALLS ARE THIN”

Back at your apartment, it suddenly feels much emptier and lonelier

“What am i doing,,, I just met the guys for like two hours???”

You sigh and you try to busy yourself doing other things but you hear a loud commotion on the other side of the walls with just a bunch of incoherent shouting

You smile and laugh to yourself when you think about how close they all are

Your smile slowly fades when you start wishing you wanna be close to Jihoon and you’re like snAP OUT OF IT!!!

A couple of weeks pass by uneventfully but you notice that Jihoon has gotten more reserved around you

It’s just him being bashful around you and he panics every time he sees you but obviously he doesn’t want you to know that

You’re standing at your little mini balcony and admiring your cute little cactus plants

Just as you start thinking about him and his wellbeing, you hear your name and you’re like wHO’S THERE

You look down and see Jihoon staring back at you and honestly he looks like he’s awestruck by your whole beauty bc seriously everything you wear always looks super good to him

[insert photo]

(also pretend he’s holding plastic bags)

He holds up his hands and you’re laughing bc you know exactly what that means

“Come on up!”

There’s a knock on your door promptly afterwards and what do you know!!! It’s the man himself!!!

It’s just funny how the both of you have this ongoing routine that you know what to expect

When you let him in, he places the bags on your table and quickly smiles to himself when he sees your laptop on your bed

You and Jihoon both mindlessly do your respective roles as usual

He slowly comes out in the living room with your laptop and he’s like “so the album is pretty much done now,,, i can’t release all of the songs yet but there’s one i want you to listen to. I’ll show you after we eat”

You’re like ooo im excited and you start catching up with him as you’re eating

You can’t contain your excitement any longer, so as soon as you eat the last bit of your food, you’re like “oKAY SHOW ME IT NOW” as you’re restlessly shifting on your legs

He nods and pulls up the media player on your laptop. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath before pressing play

It’s a melody you’re quite acquaintanced with after hearing it countless times at night, the same tune that lulls you to sleep

You have high expectations for this song, and surely he surpasses them with flying colors

You’re enjoying the song and telling him “wow this is a really good song!” when suddenly some lyrics catch your attention

You hear something about messy hair pulled back, ruffled clothes, eating meals

And you’re like huh that sounds a lot like us haha is that supposed to be me??

Jihoon is avoiding eye contact with you and looking down at his fidgeting hands as the song progresses in its later verses

The lyrics talk about wanting to develop a deeper relationship, one where “it’s okay to tell me anything, your hardships and desires. I just want to see you smile” and you’re like wait,,,,

And one of the final lyrics says something about “i can’t help feeling like this, will you accept my hand?” and you’re like wait wait w a i t

The song comes to an end and silence fills the room

You’re not sure whether you should speak up first or wait for him, but either way you’re speechless and wouldn’t know what to say anyways

Jihoon clears his throat awkwardly and stumbles on his words poor bby

“S-so, yeah,,,, I’ve been working on this one the longest,,,, umm do you,,, like it?”

But you know better that he’s not just talking about the song

“Nah sorry man i’m not interested”

“O.”

April fools kiddos ofc you are

“....yeah. I do like it”

And he finally brings himself to look at you and he’s like !!!!! really????

“Wait, for real??? You actually like it???”

He’s pretty much paralyzed in shock and all he can do is watch your hand move towards his and hold it

“I like it a lot, Jihoon :)”

He blinks slowly and he can’t fight the grin that spreads on his face as he grips your hand back

“I’m accepting your hand now heehee ^^”

“Okay let’s not talk about that”

[talesfromacrip]

more ehh thoughts (recent edition):

w o w

can’t even speak my damn mind anymore in this house I guess without getting the whole, ‘get out then if you don’t like it here. look for a section 8 place and blah, blahhhh’ speech.

the signature speech of my parents when I get on their ‘last nerves’..

all just for speaking my mind. lovely

all bc I said something in regards to something political my dad was talking about. then saying black lives matter after bc it was also apart of the conversation

(which is my opinion)

that word doesn’t sit well in my parents ears.. my dad to be specific apparently.

he then started saying I should just look for somewhere else to go and that if I say that again, something will happen. (not anything violent on me,but make me leave to somewhere else type of happen )

guess my parents (specifically my dad) wants me dead if he wants me to go out and find somewhere else to go. it’s not like, idk, i have a fucking immunocompromised system or anything like that ya know?? also.... during a fucking pandemic as well ?? helllloooo, old man?? i just don’t know anymore sometimes with my parents

caught me off guard a bit and hurt really fucking bad.. like, wow. if that’s how you feel, then let me go which you won’t and won’t admit.

used to it though which is silly to say, but I can’t do anything much about it even if i tried. so, I must deal for now anyway I can.

we settled our differences though which, I’m glad, but I hate that I was the first one to do it. shows how it is in my family at times

-

at least my mom and few friends are on my side. ridiculous to be treated like this for having a fucking opinion.  

doesn’t help either to get teased about it. like I haven’t been most of my life already ya know, shit.

sick of this house sometimes. the people in it, I should say.. sigh

———

———

I feel like I’m not, as ‘feminine’ as a lady should be. adds to my existing body probsss

can’t put makeup on. can’t get my nails done. can’t use bath bombs. can’t use facial creams or certain acne products. can’t buy clothes I’d like to shape my body and whatnot.. it goes onnnn. I would like to do what a lady likes to feel/look her absolute best ya know.

I can’t though. trying?????which doesn’t really go anywhere much tbh

I have an unused makeup palette and lippies going to absolute waste in my drawer.

which, cost me gooood money bc gooood brand. treat myself.

to see it go to waste though,is heartbreaking...

I could be using it now during the pandemic,but I have no one to help me with it. I can’t do it myself with my fucked up arms/hands either so that’s a nope.

my mom won’t help me and I’ve asked. she has more important things to do than make me look like a little clowns spawn.

I have so many ideas and I can’t execute them as I’d like. never can and it hurts. maybe on a drawimg, but having it applied to your face is a much better experience. very relaxing as well,but to take off.. that’s a process

doesn’t help that I’m told I’d look better with it as well, which totally helps my self esteem ya know. "it suits your moon face and covers those acne bits.."

fucking hell.. like, let me be.

guess not though it seems :lllllll

-

I feel gross about my skin.. dry and flaky at times from my medication and bc my body is a lil ass. it’s fucking oily on occasions as well.. ughhh. a whole nightmare, in my opinion

small acne scars,pimples from an imbalanced body in miscellaneous spots and places where they shouldn’t be.. I hate it.

I cannot look at myself without wanting to scream sometimes. I just stare and flip through a plethora of thoughts until I’m sitting there watching myself cry

I can’t buy the right skin products without suffering a break out or some kind of allergic reaction either. that’s how ‘sensitive’ i am.. ughh and people think it’s sooo fucking easy to take care of your skin.

help me out then and do it for me instead of telling me when I’ve said why I couldn’t in the first place..

fucking shit

-

I use to do my nails and paint them different colors almost every other week or so when I was younger. that was when I could move them to a certain extent. now i just can’t much for that. maybe?but I don’t want to risk twisting my wrist again. which, oddly helped a bit, but I’m not risking it

can’t even paint my right hand without leaning into a terrible spine position bc of my curled in fingers. it’s "so easy" though.my big ass it is

so, I just leave them bare nowadays

I have chipped and or broken nails anyway from fidgeting and anxiety. so, that’ll get in the way when they’re colored

sigh

-

bath bombs are the most elegant form of hygienic self care. a bubbly concoction for your skin to dip in.. ughhhh. sounds so relaxing and funnn

can’t sit in a fucking tub though to enjoy it and I don’t have the walk in ones. just a plain walk in shower. every time I see someone post about them, I melt inside. so pretty with the glitter fragments and the colorsss...mm

how I wish I could endure a porcelain tub to soak and forget about the world for a moment.

I can dream, but that still hurts as well.

-

I used to wear slim fitting tops for my stomach bc I was one of the chubby ones ya know.

now, I want to use them more bc my body doesn’t look how I thought it would be at my age. due to medication and lack of movement, just made it worse and it’s not my fault. feels like it is though and I tried. still am and it’s been hard lately with the pandemic. massive buying spells again so, some healthy goods are not available.

apparently though it seems nowadays being ‘thicc’ is in when years before it was absolutely frowned upon.

I got teased for being ‘thicc’ and now I’m somewhat getting praised for it?? kinda weird circus did I buy tickets for? unless I didn’t??

like, what do y’all mean, now it’s in????? stop being such a rude wad of shit and quit playing with people like this.

I don’t know what to accept much anymore and it’s bothers me so damn much

even if you do get praised,you must meet the standards. with some that is, I should say. must be at least some sort of skinny. some sort of, shaped being that I don’t really want to explain bc I feel it’s obvious.

some disabled folks are almost never in this section and when so, seems very fetishized.

hopefully this paints a small picture or whatever size you prefer your canvas to be. I’ve already talked about my body and more like this just gets me upset

———

———

uggh why are people still making stupid party plans, going to crowded places and doing other irresponsible shit... during a fucking pandemic?? It’s literally s o fucking irritating.

these people do not grasp this it seems, but ooooooohhh. gotta go out and risk it for someone who doesn’t even care about my health,others and even themselves.

fucking dumb

-

funny to see them complain about being home and all bc of this. like, how do you think I’ve felt and countless other disabled folks like me? sucks h u h. no freedom to go anywhere for risk of a fucking accident or worse, d e a t h.

it’s easy as hell to stay home and keep yourself occupied but apparently it’s a big ass deal

read, write, draw, cook, c l e a n. go out in your, idk, backyard as your outside relief?? is it really that b a d of a need to go somewhere??

especially when eventually it’ll drain you and you’ll eventually go back h o m e anyway ??t’s ridiculous.

"you should be thankful you can even go out."

yeah, to appointments, groceries, and concerts o n l y.

I don’t have the fucking privilege to go out at my own leisure and when I do, I have to plan like a mf.

it’s not easy. can’t drive. van is always busting on us. parents are my only source of a ride. can’t even generally go out anywhere bc of stupid stairs and all that.

I swear. every time I see a friend, mutual or family put something like that.. irritates me. I wanna comment so bad,but I don’t want to start anymore drama.

maybe soon I will. who fucking knows

———

———

i miss shows and all, but I just don’t as much.

I’m paranoid to think of going to future ones now..

I’ve already missed a majority of concerts my whole childhood and teen years due to my disability.

I don’t want to miss out on my young adult life now that I’m somewhat in a ‘better state’ bc some of y’all don’t want to be cautious and follow rules.

shows are therapeutic for me, but idk anymore now if it’s makimg me like this

disabled folks like myself who enjoy these shows are in so much fucking danger, it’s ridiculous.

we already were anyways with moshing and all.. which I know some act like they don’t know.

y’all are so desperate to go like, what about the other fandom folks who can’t even attend these shows though?? sad

these lives performances some artists have been doing are perfect and we need to support them more with this format. encourage the fuck out of them like the do to us with their music and whatnot.

I was so fucking thankful DGD did one.

it was a great time, but not so great when everyone is like, but what about an ‘actual show’?

it’s just, never enough with some of the fans I swear. irritating

yeahhh ,lets risk the fuckin band/bands getting sick so they can play for us. yasssss. shows how much they read up on the members and care about their health/wellbeing.

———

———

being sober brings back a lot of suppressed memories. nights are bit hard when going through this

makes me remember quite a bit of conversations that others have probably or most likely have forgotten by now as well

irritating and sad. that’s how I get some of my dreams as well which cause lack of sleep at timessss y a y

———

———

I, over share too much at times it seems.. how the hell do people want to know me though????

if I’m making the situation, odd or whatever, fucking tell me instead of ignoring it and trying to move on with some stupid shit

if I can fucking sit through y’alls oversharing.. can with fucking mine

———

———

I hate how everything that’s so wholesome and genuine I see, I can barely even do and say..

I especially hate how I imagine it with someone who deserves better. this is wearing me out I swear to fucking god

I put some of my eggs in the wrong basket.. again

ohhh fucking boooyyy

least it’s a good basket..

———

sometimes I feel so uneducated when taking with friends. my mind is like a fucking mad libs book on new game plus.

it’s blanks out and replaces important vocabulary with some silly childish shit instead

[creatingmemoriesandchasingdreams]

2018

There were so many uncertainties in my life, and there still are, which are gradually pulling me down rock bottom making me think whether I'm really cut out for this life but I kept pushing through without knowing which direction to go; just crawling my way away from these demons that are haunting me, just to feel better with the fact that I'm actually moving. I feel afraid most of the time but I'm not sure what I'm most afraid of. I've lost passion in what has been my entire life countless of times and I always find myself going back to it, hoping it'll somehow rekindle the burning passion I had inside of me all these years. Many times it just didn't ignite, but some times it did. I've been seeing myself through other people's eyes because I've never appreciated myself or loved myself enough to believe that I'm good enough in everything I do. I constantly need approvals to believe that I'm good at it. Especially in the performing world. Especially when I was a gymnast. I constantly needed to hear "be like Nelissa" or "if Nelissa can do it, why can't you?" from my coaches, or simply a name sequence that put my name last to compete bcs the best is always the last one to compete. Only then I know that I'm above everyone else in the team and believe that I'm good enough. I'd push through trainings to be on top, to be the best, to get compliments; just to believe that I'm good enough. The same goes for love. I've always had good luck with love; being with the good guys. I always had someone to look up to and make me want to be a better individual. But as mentioned, I never do it for myself. I did it to get validation. Validation that I'm good enough as a girlfriend, as a person in general. Never for myself. My first love taught me maturity. And my second taught me true love. These two guys played a really big part of my teenage life and deep down I am more than grateful to have had them holding my hands, going through that phase of life growing together through all those years. Because of them I still believe that there are genuine people out there and that love is great. I also learnt that when a guy truly loves you, they'd never lie to you. Even when the truth will hurt you. This is why you'd always see me breakdown so bad after my breakups and if you know me long enough, you'd know that I take so long to move on from my exes. I feel too much of everything and my mind controls me. It affects me so much because I lost someone who I'd get a validation from. It even sickens me to type this out but that's just who I am; constantly finding my worth in other people's hands. I also keep something really hidden from everyone. Mainly because of the reaction I got or would get if I were to tell it out. I remember coming to the studio late one day and my studio master (lecturer) made fun of my illness because of it. Here's the truth: some mornings I wake up with an attack that makes me choke on myself and makes me feel like I was going to die at that very moment but I just don't. Its like having constant severe chest pains that makes you feel like your life is ripping out from your chest but you don't die but constantly feeling the pain. I struggle many mornings, sometimes forcing myself by dragging my ass to class because attendance is taken into account for your cgpa apparently *roles eyes* but it was that one unlucky day where it took longer to calm myself down from my attack that I was almost an hour late to the studio, with puffy eyes. I was greeted with a "baru bangun ka? Eh eh no i know! Anxiety attack!" like something so serious like that is taken as a joke. I was called weak because I had an attack during training and the coach thought I was just giving an excuse because I couldn't keep up with choreography. I was also called a child out of wedlock just because I stood up for my classmates and apparently voicing out opinions and standing up for the truth is considered rude just because you're a freshman. Just goes to show how shallow the youth's minds are, at least where I'm studying at. Seniority is very important apparently. I know that everyone has their own struggles and this might only sound like I'm just complaining about my life. But it's not easy living a life dependant on chemicals to make you function well with so much being thrown at you just because you're bold enough to stand up for the truths. Every word anyone say to me affects me so much. I take into account every single thing you say to/about me and I feel them deeply. That's just who I am. I did try to fight it but it's bigger than I am. Someone who I call my own brother left me because he thought I was lying about my illness. "you have a loving and supporting mom and sister, why are you still like this?" I didn't choose to live a life like this. I didn't choose to feel this way. I didn't choose to have my parents divorced. I didn't choose any of it but I'm trying my hardest to make it work with whatever I have left of me and that's still insufficient to satisfy them. I'm worn out. I'm so close to giving up but I'm grateful to still have people supporting me. Someone once told me, "people see us as who we are 'most of the time' so don't worry if once in a while they say or see things about you that you don't like. Cause if you really are who you are, they will see it". I messed up last year and I don't want to mess my life again by drowning myself in my own emotions. I always seem happy and strong because I was always afraid of what people will think and look at me once they know what I'm diagnosed with. But I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to fake my smiles and emotions anymore but to just be genuine with myself because I deserve it. I went through my old stuffs and realized that I've always worked so hard to get to where I was, to obtain those straight A's. So I don't want anything to get in my way anymore. I just hope everyone is more considerate and understanding, especially towards those suffering from mental illness. Because its an everyday battle within themselves. And its not something you can see physically as it happens mentally. If you've read this far, it means that you care about me. So thank you, I really appreciate it. Thank you too to my classmates and seniors who've been guiding me with my studio projects and also dances. I'm looking forward to what this year and the following years have got to offer me. I've just got selected into a production and the state's dance company and I am eager to see what other opportunities there are for me to grab! InsyaAllah we'll all go through our individual hardships with high perseverance. P.S. doing this not to seek for attention. Much love, Yours truly xx

[repressed-to-impress]

The rainbow with grey, white, and black on the end!!

omG hi fren! this for you,, my lord,, with love 💖

Red ~ 5 facts about my best friend

how about I do 5 facts about my good old fren ………..steve

一　when I first met you I was like: wow I like this person,, I want to be their friend (and now look: frens!)

二    *stalks your tumblr every morning as soon as I wake up rather than being a productive human being and functioning member of society*

三    You have the best hair out of everyone that I know (except maybe k80). Honestly, I get more compliments from people about your hair than I do about my hair 😂 

++You also have the best taste in music out of everyone I know. Congrats, you are the most emo!!

四    pretty sure more people think were dating than people who don't 

五    I message you more than I message anyone else. Even if you were to combine like 3 of my other frens, you’d still win.

Orange ~ 6 facts about my home town

一　the twenty one pilots song is better ngl

二　we have a kinda shitty lake that you’d probably contract like 4 STIs from if you were to ever swim in it

三　one good thing about it is that every september they have gay pride events on for like a week in and around the city

四　if you watch literally any New Zealand film they probably talk shit about it at least once. at least.

五　#1 stop for car sale yards

六　My home is in this town

Yellow ~ 7 facts about my childhood

一 I was raised to be really religious but now I’m just really gay

二 was taught to disregard my feelings and repress them and now I’m depressed whoops

三 I was the really smart kid.

四 I don’t really remember that much lmao

五 I had a crush on pink when I was about 6

六 apparently I went up to my aunt once and gave her a flower and said: “Chris said to give this to you. He doesn’t want you to be sad anymore.” a few weeks after her boyfriend, Chris, died.

七 I remember saying: draco malfoy is kinda cute and my mum replying: thank god you’re straight (c. 2007)

Green ~ 8 facts about my body

一 I had these two stretch marks on my thigh and they decided they wanted to be friends so now they’re connected *boop*

二 According to a lot of people I have really soft hands? So everyones like wow let me touch your hands and I’m like ??Ok. Despite this I only hold hands with like 2 people. sigh.

三 I have a freckle thing on my left shoulder.

四 I have a single ab, it is very precious to me.

五 i’m lowkey very self conscious,,,

六 I have a fivehead so i’m pretty sure Brendon Urie is my biological father

七 I’m right handed 

八 ain’t got no tits lol

Blue ~ 9 3 facts about my family

ima add the other 6 to other questions

一 I have two younger (half) sisters

二 One of them is like 5 years younger than me but the same height (and i’m 5 7″ yikes)

三 Just found out my cool aunty was a huge fall out boy + my chem fan back in the day and I am s h o o k

Purple ~ 10 5 facts about my room

yikes okay thats a lot how about 5

一  I have a lot of shit everywhere, on everything, over everything, inside everything. It’s a mess but so am I so it’s fine.

二 I really want to decorate my room bc it’s very plain. Also kinda pink and ew.

三 I just noticed someone put a mason jar on my dresser and I never saw it there before.

四 I have a stack of The Sims 3+4 games

五  I spend a lot of time in here, in my bed, in the warm, listening to music + looking at memes.

Pink ~ 4 facts about my parents

一 Brendon Urie is my dad

二 Gerard Way is also my dad

三 Tyler Joseph and Josh Dun are also my dads

四 I have a lot of dads

Grey ~ 2 7 facts about my favourite things

gotta add the 5 from the other thing

一 I like it when cats sit on me and purr and get all comfy its like 

二 Also favourite thing: when you hold someone’s hand and their hand fits so nicely in your hand,,,

三 hot chocolates + gingernut biscuits are the literal best

四 you

五 watching the sun set over the ocean, I did it once and i’ve always wanted to do it again.

White ~ 3 5 facts about my personality

+2 because I have a great personality

一 I’m good at giving hugs

二 Apparently i’m really nice and approachable? despite me being terrified of human interaction??

三 According to like 2 adults I have very good leadership skills and i’m very intuitive???

四 Not gonna lie, i’m actually very stupid at times. If anyone ever wants to tell me something, like, if they’re trying to hint at something, chances are i’m not going to catch on. either that or i’m not confident enough to allow myself to do so or just be like: nah…. they ain’t… they ain’t serious… that ain’t what they mean

五 I like memes

Black ~ 1 5 facts about the person I like

~should probably put in some actual facts rather than just me gushing lmao~

一 I’ve liked them for like… a few months? (I’m kidding I know the exact time period) and it has been some of the best x amount of months.

二 could drag me through hell if it meant I could hold her hand (again)

三 TALENTED as HECK

四 fact: should love me back so we can hold hands and adopt puppies and live happily ever after

五 my taste in music is your face

if you would like to know more about this person, inquire here.

and, thats a wrap. I do hope you enjoyed.

much love, your fair lady, pebble 💞.

[allmybadmemories-blog]

I'm depressed lol

I don't want to admit it. I've put up such a fight for years to prove that i am normal, i am functional, i can handle whatever happens, i can rise above the things that try to drag me down. I have worked so hard to improve myself. But here i am now. Emotionally volatile. Just want to cry all day. Touchy. Taking everything personally. Not coping with stress.

I have not been this irrational/emotional since after we got married 6 years ago. Maybe I'm on a long cycle. Maybe it's just circumstantial. I'd like to think so and it will reduce as i work to take better control of the things that are bothering me.

I haven't been exercising and my diet is not great. Too much sugar. I feel like I'm always hungry and it's exacerbating everything else. I feel line my brain is slipping away through my ears. I can't concentrate or remember things from session to session (like for when i try to work).

Taking care of my kid is very important to me but it's not intellectually stimulating. It gets boring. I want to get stuff done but i physically can't if he's awake. Stuff like, work. And work on my projects. Stuff that takes brain power and concentration. I can't even think of what to say here.

I like hit a point where the things i want to do, my work above my projects, my goals...they are so important to me i feel sick if i feel I'm not making progress on them. But i can't ever work on them. By the time kid goes to bed I'm physically and emotionally exhausted and my brain doesn't remedy how to function. I feel like I'm falling way behind on work and the stress of feeling incapable of doing it is more than i can bear. And then it feels like i have to dedicate all my free time to catching up on work (like an hour a day of subpar functioning) but then that makes it seem like i will never be able to do ME stuff, my projects and goals, and that prospect just makes me feel like barfing out of my eyeballs.

Husband feels like I'm taking my stress out on him and i guess i am. I am getting offended easily and fighting a lot.

I think a lot of my neuroses stem from a childhood-rooted paranoia that nobody is listening to me. Nobody listens or understands. Unfortunately paranoia isn't quite the right word because it's proven to be true repeatedly. They don't fucking listen to me. They don't verify that they heard and understood. Or they repeatedly prove they didn't understand but they apparently don't care to because no matter how much i try to explain they just don't get it. Whatever "it" is at the time. It harkens so much i have to assume it's me. I'm the one who's bad at communicating. And of course that feels even worse and makes me more hopeless bc wtf? I try so hard. I have no idea what to do differently. And it makes my work stress worse too because it gains there so much .... Like basically everything i try to say.

More and more i just feel like i want a break from this existence. Like if i could just phase out for a while and not have to feel so much.

Everyone just takes and takes and takes from me. I can't manage to carve out anything for myself. I feel like everything is out of my control yet I'm still responsible for it.

I can't make friends.

I can't stick to a routine or progress plan.

I'm fat. I try not to overeat but I'm always starving and that makes it even harder for me to concentrate or act reasonably. None of my clothes fit and i keep getting fatter despite my efforts not to overeat.

I'm scared my husband will realize I'm not good enough for him and leave me. He says he's in it for good but i just keep getting worse. He had high standards. He's not going to put up with this forever.

If he said he didn't love me anymore i would just walk out the door right that moment and keep walking until i passed out, hoping to never wake up again.

I can never tell him anything like that. It's not ok to say. It's one of those things that abusive, manipulative people say to guilt you into starting with them. I don't want to guilt him into staying with me if he's decided he didn't want to be with me. I don't want to be with him if he says he doesn't want to be with me...i just wouldn't want to keep existing either. The pain would be too much. No point in trying to get past it and have more life. They say time heals all wounds but guess what. I'm here right now because of wounds that never healed.

I want this stupid depressive episode to end. It's dumb and i hate it. I know that exercise and proper eating are a good way to begin but it's below freezing outside and also being in a body makes me want to just be dead instead.

I don't know what else to do to try to take back control. Sometimes it's like these emotions are happening without me. The rational side is watching helplessly while physiological effects of emotions without cause or context cascade through my body. I'm so tired. I didn't want it anymore.

I think i need structured time away from the kid during the day to get work done regularly. Being productive always hero's me feel better and i think most of the bad feelings are related to my inability to do the things i want to do for myself or need to do for work.