#but yesterday i went to the store and got new clothes from the thrift store and buzzed/cut my hair again bc it was killing me and

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

been sooooo productive lately :3

[jottingprosaist]

At noon yesterday I got tired of sitting on the couch (probably that was like the oven timer in my brain telling me "oop! you're done being sick now!") so I decided to remodel my closet a little bit.

I was done with not being able to reach any of the clothes on the back of the bar, or access the floor space and top shelf in the recess. Solution: reorient the bar so it only occupies the recess.

I pulled everything out, removed the bar and shelf (really just some unpainted boards-- I kind of love finishing other people's slapdash DIY) and painted the closet a nice clean white that was leftover from my kitchen. The satin finish should reflect a little extra light in there. Then while the paint was drying, I sorted my clothes, removed what I don't wear, and took a quick (not) trip to the city. Dropped off the clothes at the thrift store, couldn't help shopping a bit and got 5 new cookbooks and some pillowcases and curtains, and went to the ReStore to get some hardware for the closet.

Back home, I cut a new wooden hanger bar, installed the new brass brackets for it, put the shelf back in and put my clothes away. I changed the ancient yellowy lightbulb to a bright LED (finally a use for that glaring white light!) and also installed some brass hooks (salvaged from a local building before it was torn down) for my ties and belts. And found a place for my guitar where I might actually play it sometimes!

I did lose about half the hanging space from this change, but I knew that going in. I consider it a good trade for making the closet feel bigger and much more accessible, and it'll force me to be choosier about the clothing I buy.

[fastwiemagie]

Summer thrift haul ☀️

This are two thrift hauls combined! Two weeks ago I picked up my friend after work to go eat at the new location of a very delicious Vietnamese place. They're all vegan and the food is superb!! I worked early shift on that day and had time to kill before picking up my friend from her workplace, so I looked what I could do in the meantime. Like it was meant to be a new thrift store had also opened very close to my friends work place!! It was so hot on that day and they even had air con (very rare here). And I found two gorgeous skirts and a purple tshirt.

Actually had to fish the purple shirt out of my laundry basket to take a detail of the gorgeous neckline decoration because I've already worn it multiple times!! (Also could include one picture of me wearing it recently in an outfit). I've also already worn the reddish/pink floral skirt as a dress. The whole outfit I'm wearing with the dress is also thrifted!! Have a second outfit pic here too!

The second black skirt of that thrift haul from a couple weeks ago currently doesn't fit me bbbbbbut how could I leave it behind??? It's way too gorgeous!! The colours and the pattern and the black lace!! I'll make it bigger and even more gorgeous! Just you wait!

Yesterday I went to check out the "end of summer sale" at my two closest thriftstores and found 3 pretty things at both!

First one I got the big shoulder bag. It gives me very artsy vibes with it's woven texture! I also like the toggle closure. Unfortunately one of the straps is fraying, so I'll have to fix that soon. The second lil bag/pouch was just too adorable to leave behind. It's crocheted from dark brown thread with sparkly beads on top. Speaks to my inner moth!! I'm drawn to sparkly things. Just had to have it!! Last thing from the first thrift store yesterday was the black shrug/cardigan (very left corner in the group pic). It's a little basic thing that's perfect for me because I easily get cold (especially on my shoulders and back).

At the second thrift store I found amazing black kneelength pants (they go over my knees). They end in pretty cuffs and have deep pockets!! Unusual for slouchy pants like these. I found another vest (the brown thing to the right in the group pic from yesterday) without sleeves. It's long though - goes over my ass - and has pockets too! It has belt loops but the belt is missing. May add a new one. It's perfect for layering and when my back is cold. Last piece: the red gilet/ vest made from velvet. I couldn't resist that because it's soooo gorgeous but it also doesn't currently fit me and I'll have to make it larger. Oooops. I was trying not to buy more clothes that are projects but alas.

[id]Picture 1: a close-up picture of a reddish-pink skirt with a floral pattern and sequins and beads on it worn as a dress. A big green felted leaf with beads embroidered on it is clipped to it.

Picture 2: A close-up of a short-sleeved purple shirt. It's got the colour of dark/purple lilac flowers. At the neckline satin ribbons are woven together in a fetching pattern.

Picture 3: Amy (a fat white young woman with long brown hair and glasses) is wearing the purple shirt in an outfit. She's wearing another purple thrifted sleeveless cardigan over the shirt with a black cardigan on top of that. Black floral patterned pants finish the look off!

Picture 4: Amy (a fat white young woman with long brown hair and glasses) is wearing the reddish-pink skirt with floral patterns as a dress. She styled it over a sleeveless top and is wearing a green sleeveless crocheted vest over that to accentuate the green details in the skirt/ dress. She's also wearing a pink patchwork skirt as an underskirt.

Picture 5: A close-up of a beautifully striped black skirt. It's got purple and pink flowers with green leaves. The waist has been tightly gathered and decorated with black ribbons. There's black lace at the hem.

Picture 6: A crocheted dark brown little purse. It's got sparkly beads interwoven on it's whole surface area.

Picture 7: A big rounded shoulder bag, woven from red and orange and turquoise-blue fibers. It has an artsy vibes in my opinion. The long straps of the bag and closure flap are made from tan leather.

Picture 8: Another close-up picture of the the black striped skirt with flowers and leaves printed on it. Black, purple, pink & green flowers and ornaments really gets me!

Picture 9: A group picture of yesterday's thrift haul laid out on top of my couch. From left to right: There's the black shrug, woven artsy bag, little brown beaded purse, black trousers, red velvet gilet with little flowers and the brown long vest. [/id]

[lantur]

It was a busy last week and weekend! I got approximately 50 things done at work last week, and I got to hang out with a couple of friends too. On Friday, I went for a long evening walk around the lake with my new friend :)) and on Saturday, several of us went to see fireworks at an event downtown. I haven't seen a live fireworks display since I was a kid, and wow, fireworks have gotten WAY better than I remember from 20 years ago. The show we saw was the best fireworks display I've ever seen.

I was proud of myself for leaving my comfort zone. I don't normally go out to a new place/event like that unless I'm traveling. Normally, I prefer to hang out at friends' houses, or go to familiar places, like the gym, the lakes for walks, and familiar community theaters. It was also later at night than I usually go out, and there was a big crowd at the event, which I also normally avoid. But I had a lot of fun, and it was really special to see the fireworks with everyone. On Sunday, friends came over for ice cream and a chat in the evening. :)

Over last summer and this summer and the things that happened then, I've realized how important it is for me and my mental/emotional health to be with friends, and it's been so impactful.

I've been reading a book called The Power of Fun by Catherine Price, and it's really prompting me to do some self-examination on the things that are important to me, that spark true joy and happiness. Investing more time to spend with Derek, Westin, and friends, cooking, writing, and gardening has been the key to a great summer so far. Derek and I returned to D&D on Saturday too and I think we have some more tabletop game adventures on the horizon. :)

I finished reading an amazing book called The Marriage Portrait by Maggie O'Farrell yesterday, and I highly recommend it. It's historical fiction, the prose is fantastic, and the main character was so compelling and endearing, I can't stop thinking about her.

I'm also proud of myself for packing up two trash bags full of clothes to donate today, and dropping them off at the thrift store donation center.

[inkofamethyst]

March 13, 2024

Happy covid-iversary, yay. "Two weeks to stop the spread," is a saying that will haunt me my entire life, I think.

I didn't actually journal on March 13 which is a shame in hindsight, but I remember not doing much. I lounged around my house because classes were cancelled, I picked my sister up from school, and we went to get ice cream. A lot of other people from my/her high school had the same idea, so the line was long, and I was too awkward to say hi to the people I kinda knew (but I always thought they were cooler than me (I genuinely think most people are cooler than me... which might be a problem in some respects, but I'll deal with that later.)).

Anyway I coded for 5 hours straight and got a working encounter system, a working character creator, and a working opponent set generator. There's still a lot to move from my note to the script, but, the game works, and everything I've written runs as intended. Is it fun? Well, right now, it's all the same. Name yourself, fight one-fight two-fight three (each only requiring one or two inputs), game ends. It was exciting the first couple of times, but now I want to add more for more variety, of course.

[edit: wrote the above a couple days ago and after a break it has returned to being kind of fun. I've also learned that instantaneousness kills all tension, so I wrote a few basic functions to delay and separate lines in various ways. Anyway I'm going to hold off on doing much more transcribing/coding from my pseudocode, since I don't want to get too far ahead of the final project timeline, and I don't even really know what the expectations are, so I could be way outside of bounds here and I just wouldn't know.]

[edit 2, next day: New plan. Going to write more detailed pseudo/update poorly-detailed pseudo, do some story planning for the secret ending that I don't intend to get to but hey yaneverknow, and try to balance mechanics/come up with items/do a bunch of the little things that sap a surprising amount of creativity.]

I also binged She-Hulk, and I loved it?! I thought it was going to be awful and cringey the way people online (dudes?) talked about it, but it was genuine, and meta, and actually had me laughing at times. I mean, that last episode? Come on!!! Sure, some of the vfx were just alright, but it's a show, and after six-odd years of AOS, I'm used to it. I'm glad they leaned into the unseriousness. Also,,,, Matt Murdock is such a hottie. The quips, the law banter, the violence, ahhhh. My dnd-friend strongly endorses Daredevil, but I've held off because I was afraid of the violence, honestly. But I'm a big girl, and I'm very good at closing my eyes.

Today I'm thankful for a successful antiquing run!!!! Early last semester I heard about this antique market, and I finally put in the effort to get there today, and it was amazing!!! I was looking for shared housewares (found the specific item I was looking for!) and unique vintagey jewelry. Didn't quite manage to find anything truly vintage, but I got a darling piece of simple costume jewelry and the most fantastic mug that's shaped like a head of lettuce (this description does not do its beauty justice). The necklace will be perfect for when I finally make my way to the opera, and the mug is like something a fairy would drink from. I stayed within my budget which means I have just a little bit left in my allowance to thrift for clothes, maybe on Friday or Saturday (since I'll be in lab all day tomorrow).

By the way, the antique store was amazing. It has at least five floors (I got tired after three and a half) and is filled to the brim with some of the most eclectic stuff you could ever find, with old-timey radios playing music from various eras throughout. Magical. I could waste a lot of money there.

Oh wait, before I go, yesterday was such a busy day that I didn't even journal but I:

Met up with a lab/classmate and their partner for a lunch and a stroll in the city which was fantastic. My original plan was to go see Dune and also to pick up some (red, short, block) heels I'd ordered, but I didn't end up liking the heels on me very much, and I was enjoying the pair's company too much to cut the time short with a three-hour movie.

Went to a paint night through a diversity org I'm in which was also fantastic. I painted a cute little mushroom scene! I don’t really consider myself a visual artist and I’m not a huge fan of acrylic but it was very relaxing so I’d love to try watercolor sometime. Also like,, because this isn’t my "preferred medium" it was SO nice to not be stressed about perfection and just go for it.

[alcorian]

have i told yall yet how happy i am to finally start dressing punk again?

fuck its been so long

the backstory on this: so i was a baby alt in middle school, experimenting w subcultures, making my own studded jewelry, safety pinning shit together, the works. in 7th or 8th grade i had a green faux-hawk and wore the same camo denim jacket and band t shirts all the time. it wasnt impressive but hey, i was like 12 and just starting out.

but shit went bad when puberty hit and with it, came worsening dysphoria, which compounded with my worsening depression (i'd just gotten away from one of my abusers which was good but i kinda broke down in the following years) and i stopped going out, and stopped having the energy to dress up in any interesting way, and to take care of and re-shave my hair and stuff. so i ended up slowly swapping most of my wardrobe out for jeans and hoodies and let my hair grow out into something easy to take care of that doesnt need to be cut often.

which is fine! but i wasnt expressing myself and i never felt happy with how i looked.

and through this, ive lived by punk ideology-- freaks will inherit the world and never trust a cop, all that jazz. so ive been punk this whole time, but i havent been dressing or looking punk.

and i didnt realize how much that was probably contributing to my depression until like.. yesterday? when i decided to try dressing in ways i enjoy again, and GUYS, i cant tell you how super extremely excited i am now that ive given myself permission to try dressing punk again. im gonna cut and dye my hair as soon as possible (the green mohawk is coming back, but cooler and better this time) and when i get home im gonna hit up my favorite thrift shops and other places to get cheap alt stuff and actually try to pull some basic punk clothes together. gonna go to the store for safety pins and sewing supplies too, so i can get back into making my own shit.

gonna try to add some embellishments to my cane too-- the stickers i ordered are still lost in the mail (sob sob) so i'll try find some new decorations. i wonder if i can spice up my glasses too? they got the same treatment as the rest of my fashion, they got less interesting with each new prescription. for now maybe i can just put some stickers on em. i dunno. im sick of dulling myself down. i want to be loud and fun and angry and loving. i want to be punk again.

[princess-candyboy]

Make Me Handsome, Make Me Loved

Transmasc rengoku fic. that is all. also tw for dysphoria and transphobia.

<3

‘I want to die,’ she thought, staring into the full body mirror. 

Her body disgusted her. She didn’t want it. She- he?- didn’t want this feminine frame, breasts and genitals. He was tired of this. What was he to do, though? He’d told his therapist about it, and his dad. Neither of them took him seriously. They doubted his desire to transition, doubted everything he said. They thought it was a phase.

No one took him seriously.

He thinks he’s done with therapy.

He picks up a brush and runs it roughly through his long, tangled hair. It was messy and heavy on his head, but he couldn’t bear to part with it(like he couldn’t bear his body). Maybe that’s why everyone refused to believe he’s a man.

When the brush gets stuck for the fifth time he gives up, pulling it from his knotted hair and placing it on the dresser. He did better than yesterday. It’s fine. He might even work up the energy to wash his hair tonight. 

If he can get in the shower at all.

He got a tip online to shower in the dark. He wonders if he should try that, if it would help much. He thinks he might test it out. 

He’s getting dressed now, slipping into a pair of boxers and a binder. It’s his first time wearing either thing, and it feels so strange but so good. His friend, Obanai, bought them for him. The boxers are like the ones in those old american cartoons- white and baggy with little red hearts. Something about that causes his brain to release a slew of endorphins.

Next is the pants- baggy jeans with patches in the knee that he bought from a thrift store. Then comes his new flannel shirt, one that’s too big on him. He has to roll the sleeves up, which makes it squeeze the muscles in his forearms. For the first time in his life, he feels like a real man. 

He thinks he’s ready to finally, finally leave the house.

His dad was yelling at him. Of course he was. Why didn’t he expect this? He wanted Kyojuro- Kiyoko- to change into a dress. He- she- was so tired of this. She couldn’t stand her father’s drunken ramblings, couldn’t stand dealing with him anymore. It was awful.

She went to change.

He- she- held back tears as they swelled in her eyes. Layer by layer, she shed the clothes she had so lovingly placed upon her horrid body. She stopped as she reached her underwear. She wanted to puke at the thought of taking off the binder.

Slowly, she stripped herself of her last layer of clothing.

She secured her bra with shaking hands, messing up multiple times. The underwire dug into her ribs and made it hard to breathe. She felt so sick. This was awful. 

She stepped into her lacy panties next. She was sobbing now. She wanted to die. She grabbed a yellow sundress from the hanger and painstakingly put it on. It felt so, so very wrong. 

She felt the acrid taste in the back of her throat, the pressure building as she raced to the bathroom. Heave after heave, she vomited the contents of her stomach until there was nothing left- not even bile. She sat there, breathing heavily in a crumpled dress.

Slowly, she picked herself up from the dirty bathroom tiles. She cleaned her face and brushed her teeth. Mouthwash couldn’t rinse him of the awful taste of self hatred.

Maybe the adults in her life were right. Maybe she was a girl- just a delusional, silly little girl who wanted to be something she never could be. Maybe this whole ‘transgender’ thing was exactly as her father said- a disgusting, ridiculous phase. Maybe he- she- would grow out of it.

He didn’t want to.

Being a man felt right, felt real. As a girl it felt like he was putting on an act while wearing molten-hot metal heels. That’s a weird metaphor, he knows, but whatever. What does it matter? 

What does anything matter?

He- she- still feels sick. It’s like her body is made of stone; a crumbling statue on a curtained stage. She can’t escape, no matter how much he wants to.

Why does she keep calling herself he? Like her father and therapist said, she’s a girl. Just a girl, alone, chained up in her own body. It’s not that part of her that’s chained, though. He knows it’s all a lie, but still just can’t bring herself to believe it. 

He should call Obanai. Obanai always knows what to say, what to do. They really are a good friend. But, still, he’s hesitant. Why should he bother his friend, put this on them? They’ve helped plenty enough already. They’ve done so much for him. He needs to pay them back somehow, he knows. 

He picks up the phone, opens discord, and presses the ‘call’ button. No going back now, or Obanai will worry even more. His breath hitches nervously when they pick up, and finds himself chewing on his hair.

“Hey Kyo, what’s up?”

“Oh, I, nothing really. I just wanted to.. to talk.”

“...what happened?”

He breaks down again.

“I put on the.. the.. the outfit we go.. we got. He, um, he.. He made me change. Told me to.. told me to wear a dress. I put it on, God, Oba, I felt so sick. I broke down crying and threw up. I don’t.. I don’t think I can.. Can do th-this.” He was practically sobbing into the receiver at this point. It hurts, and he feels guilty. He doesn’t know what to do, really.

There’s a moment of silence before he hears a quiet hum. 

“Hey, it’s okay, Kyo. Take a few deep breaths, control your breathing. Feel the air coursing through your body, and remind yourself that this will pass. It’ll be okay, I promise.”

He follows the advice, feels himself calm as his breathing evens out. He feels less heavy now, less panicky as his tears dry. It still hurts, though.

“Okay, good, good. Why don’t you put the clothes in a bag and come to my house? You can change when you get here, it’ll be fine.”

He nods along before remembering they can’t see it. A quiet ‘okay’ falls from his lips. He’s calming down. He has a little hope again. It’s getting better. It’ll be fine. 

They talk it over a little more before hanging up. He packs a bag, and heads out. His dad barely pays attention this time. He doesn’t want to go out like this, but he reminds himself it’ll be fine. It’ll end well.

He starts the car and presses his foot to the gas pedal. It’ll be fine. He’s careful, as always, while he drives. In no time he pulls into the driveway, and heads up to Obanai’s apartment. He stands at the door for a solid five minutes before he knocks, and it opens instantly.

He’s rushed inside, and allowed to change in the bathroom. He’s never changed so very fast before. It’s relieving. It feels amazing. He looks like a man again, so masculine. It’s so great.

Obanai whistles as he comes out, and he smiles. He still doesn’t feel good, but he does feel right. Maybe things will be fine. He wishes it could be like this forever, but he knows it can’t. At least he has his friends. They're always there for him.

[artikgato]

10/15/2023

Well, it was raining yesterday, so I didn't go out for the jogwalk. I did today, though! It took me until like 10:30 but I did do it!

I was also up until nearly 1am last night...reading a fanfic. A Slayers fanfic. A 60+ chapter Slayers fanfic, currently unfinished, in the year of our lord twenty twenty-three. I have no excuses. I make it a policy to almost never read unfinished fanfics, for one. I also knew exactly what I was getting into when I saw the chapter count and just shrugged and went YOLO I guess?

Okay, so it all started with Anime Weekend Atlanta announced, less than a month out from their con by the way, a whole slew of new guest announcements. The schedule is out now and it's less than two weeks to the con so I think they're done doing that now, but I digress. They announced Veronica Taylor as a guest. Well, years ago I already had the honor of meeting her and getting her to sign my VHS copy of Pokémon The First movie, so I don't necessarily need her autograph on any more Pokémon stuff. But of course she's in plenty of other things, including Slayers, which is one of my absolute favorite media franchises, period. So naturally I have to get her to sign for Amelia! And Lisa Ortiz, the voice of Lina, will be a guest at a convention I'm going to in March, so I can get her to sign, too! Fantastic!

And then, because I haven't really thought about Slayers in a long time, my brain went I should cosplay from Slayers again. I've been wanting to for a while. I cosplayed Filia (from TRY) waaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day, maybe I could remake her? (I do still want to do that, FYI, talk about obscure characters though am I right?) Or despite being so tall, I've always liked Lina's character design, she'd be great. I can probably pull that off before Khromakon in March, but absolutely not before AWA. But do you know who I could pull off before AWA?

Yeah, so I actually cosplayed Xelloss all the way back in high school. I never wore him to a convention, and it was a very bad cosplay. Technically, my first cosplay. (Technically, because my actual first cosplay was a very, very very bad closet cosplay of emperor Hotohori from Fushigi Yuugi the year prior, my junior year of high school. Our high school banned Halloween costumes but a gaggle of my stupid friends and I decided to see if we could get away with just wearing regular clothes but clearly being in cosplay. So I was Hotohori, a friend braided her hair and was Duo Maxwell, etc. etc.)

Anyway, my aunt made the cloak for me, and I still have it all these years later. The rest of the cosplay would be easy, because of how skilled I am now. I can 100% do this cosplay in time for AWA, and it'll be fun! He's a pretty recognizable character from a classic anime, so while I'm sure The Kids won't recognize me, I'll get at least a few people excited to find someone else that remembers Slayers. And hey, I already cosplayed one evil purple-haired anime prettyboy this year (Okada Izou) so why not two?

So anyway, I made a deal with myself. I would go to no more than three thrift stores after work one day and see if I could find a yellow turtleneck. If I could, I would proceed with the costume. If I didn't, oh well, it's not like I don't have a closet full of cosplays to wear. And wouldn't you know it, I found the turtleneck at the third Goodwill. So I ordered a wig, and now I just need to do a few minor alterations and possibly make the staff.

And so, with Xelloss Metallium now fully on my brain, I remembered that, oh yeah, Xelloss/Filia was one of the OTPs for me back in the day. One of the very first ships I got really, really invested in. And I wondered if, in the fifteen or so years since the least time I probably looked, any good new Xel/Fil fics had been written. I mean, the last time I was really invested in the ship, Evolution-R and Revolution hadn't even come out yet! A03 didn't exist yet! What was the harm of taking just a little, tiny peak at A03, right?

And that's how I ended up binge reading a 60+ Slayers fanfiction, in the year of our Lord Of Nightmares 2023. I'm not even done reading, but I've got shit to do today!

Time: 21:41 Weather: 63, sunny Humidity: 60% Song of the Day: Ghost, Mystery Skulls

[trappedwriter]

Trapped - Chapter 1

March 3rd, 2017

Jessica’s POV

Standing in my closet pondering over what outfits look good, a familiar sound snaps me out of my deep thoughts. Abandoning the clothes, I rush over to my phone with excitement. “It’s only been up for 10 minutes, I wonder how many likes I’ve gotten” I thought.

Opening the app I felt a spike of excitement when I saw someone had left a comment "Go to www.Iwantabigdick.com to make your dreams come true." My heart sinks. Maybe I need more hashtags, I’m too fat I should take it down and edit it more, why aren’t I getting the same attention as other influencers, I’m practically copying them.” The same thoughts run through my mind every time. Throwing my phone back on my bed, I continue outfit planning.

An hour passed, and I finally have planned all my outfits for the next two weeks. I found this really cute denim patched jacket online and wanted to create multiple outfits with it. I paired it with a floral dress, some faux leather pants and even made a denim on denim look. I think Britney & Justin would be proud if they saw my outfit.

I check my phone again, only a couple more likes, and you guessed it more bot comments. “Ugh I’m so sick of them, why can’t Instagram just get rid of them. It’s not like they’re helping me get more exposure”.

My Instagram page is filled with brightly coloured clothes modelled against simple backgrounds. I’m very proud of my page. Long hours spent planning and researching. Pouring my heart and soul into it. Just trying to be best influencer out there. The potential for greatness is there, they just can’t see it. I gotta do something big, something bold. Then they’ll see. Then I’ll finally get the attention I deserve.

—————————————————————————

The weekend came and went really quickly. All the outfits I planned out yesterday are now photographed. I’ll have a busy editing week ahead of me. It was such a gloomy weekend. It rained all the time which resulted in me having to take my outfit pics in various establishments.

I live in a small town called New Market born and raised here, everyone knew everything about each other. Like me, my parents died in a car crash when I was 3. I had no other family, so I was placed in the foster system. Eventually, I was adopted by lovely Sarah and Tom Bell. They must have had a kink for wanting a big family cause although they couldn’t produce any of their own, they sure as hell had a lot of kids. 6 including me. Only 4 months after adopting me, they adopted another 5 more kids.

Last year Tom & Sarah decided that New Market was no longer their forever home and moved to California. I decided to stay as the little town held so many memories for me. Like when I fell off the slide and lost my first tooth, my first (and only) kiss, and my high school prom.

I had a part time job working in a thrift store. It’s not my ideal job but it meant I was able to provide for myself, plus I got first picks of new clothes that came in but I wouldn’t want someone else’s hand-me-downs. And yet, despite the fact that I graduated high school and I have a job, the locals still give me dirty looks as I set up my camera for the shots. Just because I didn’t go to college and instead decided to follow my dream meant that they could just sit there and judge me. No doubt gossiping about me too.

Being an influencer has been a dream of mine ever since I first started watching YouTube videos of beauty gurus back in 2015. Although Tom & Sarah never really cared about what I did, they were adamant that I finish high school before starting any silly projects. They didn’t understand that this wasn’t silly, I could get popular and become rich and famous. As soon as I got home from my graduation, I got straight to work. I tried the whole YouTube thing, but sitting down and filming took forever, the hours of filming and editing wasn’t worth the hundred or so views I got. That’s when I decided that Instagram was going to be my main focus.

Chapter 2

[mickridem]

Running out of Rack

To make a long story short, I was at a formal event recently and had to rent a suit. Finding a jacket that fit over my belly but not too wide for my shoulders, was a challenge. (Watching the guy fitting me while this was an eye opener and so hot. LOL!) I don't know what size it was, but the waist was *tight* and I left it open after the dinner. They also "threw in" suspenders because when I wore the pants under my belly it "ruined the line" and bunched the front of the leg. I haven't been fat that long and have never worn pants up like that, but dang, it was comfortable.

But I don't think I'm THAT fat to have to do that all the time. I'm tempted, but I'm not that fat... yet?

A friend suggested that instead of renting (my argument was I don't go to formal stuff like, ever, and I could be a very different size by the time I go to another one) that I should check out some thrift stores for jackets and see if I can get lucky. So I tried that yesterday.

I had a hoodie on, and assumed if a jacket fit over that, I would have room for a few more pounds in the waist. I went to the XL section for jackets. I put on a few. NONE would close. They all fit as the one in the store did. With the hoodie they wouldn't close, and I'm damn sure without it I would have had the same tight fit around my belly.

Now, this was already freakin hot. I was trying not to freeze on the spot to "take a moment" to let it sink in, because the place was busy and other men were scouting for clothes around me. I pulled it a couple more times to try to button it and if I really yanked it maybe it would close? Or, pop the buttons. But I was in public and had to behave. I could feel my face turn red, that was amazing.

So I put the XLs back.

You have to realize at this point, since 2019 I have gone from wearing size SM, to M, to L, to XL. I would put one item down and just move down the rack to the next size up. Well, I've run out of rack. There WERE NO 2XLs. All the sizes, I noticed, for all the clothes, ended at XL.

:O

Um...

I looked down at my fat belly, and had a little conversation with myself. In all honesty, I really don't think I'm THAT fat. I know a lot of people talk about denial, or not fully understanding as the body changes, but I look in the mirror when I'm naked and I don't look that fat to me. Some clothes that are tighter make me look bigger, sure, but... 2XL??

All of my other shirts are XL and fit properly. Got a new henley and two modern fit Ts at another store recently, all XL and even a little room to grow.

Now I'm sure it's because suit jackets are structured more and don't have much flexibility. But I DO plan on getting bigger, and I can't help but to keep repeating to myself, "I'm running out of rack." It's pulling SO many feelings out of me. A little scared and shocked, definitely proud and very happy with my size, and gotta admit, turned on.

After breaking my knee in the summer (a major reason for this most recent gain and tip officially into fat life), I'm finally back at the gym to build back some of my muscle and then some, do my physio and strengthen the legs again, and gain some more size. But I also want more fat, more belly, more weight and jiggle and heft.

I'll have to check out more thrift stores around town to see if any have larger sizes. But I'm kind of absolutely freaking loving this mind blowing experience and needed to share.

Also: bf parked the car too close to the wall in the garage and I'll blame that hoodie extra layer again, but I could feel my back and belly slide along both surfaces to get in. Ten more pounds and I would have been stuck? :O

But... I'm not THAT fat yet, am I?? I need to eat and think about this some more.

[cdt-toomi-vangrizzle]

Big Sky Part 2: Ennis —> Big Sky 

August 2 - August 5

From Lake Ennis, we started climbing into the Spanish Peaks. According to the University of Montana, no one is exactly sure why they are named the Spanish Peaks, but it is thought they could be named for Spanish prospectors who travelled north in search of gold (Thomas  Loco being the most famous— iykyk). The first day in the mountains was steady climbing without many views. It was cloudy and started raining in the evening. We camped with Danger Dave, Stupid Check, Double Check, No Chill, and Eye Roll. Owen had a slight headache and stomach ache, which we assumed was mild altitude sickness. We were camping at 8600 feet.

The next day, things started off overcast then turned into a light rain. We finally got into some pretty mountain meadows. Then we went down to a river and ate lots of huckleberries as we started to climb. The rain picked up and it got gradually colder. We climbed up to the top of a dramatic, rocky pass, which was 9740’. We were quite chilly (and Owen was having stomach issues) so we scurried down into the next valley. The wind picked up and we were desperate to find a lunch spot protected from the elements. Finally, we huddled behind a big tree. We layered almost all the way up (rain pants, puffies, rain coats) and had a hard time using our fingers. We boiled water for tea to warm ourselves up. After lunch, we descended into a mystical, mossy forest and walked with Danger Dave a while. Eventually we hit forest roads and then the highway. We walked down into the town of Big Sky. Some locals (including a guy from Jay/Montgomery VT) advised us on where to “stealth camp” down by the river. As we ate dinner, we saw a mother and child moose walk by!

There were about 15 miles of road walking that we wanted to knock out before meeting up with Liam, Julia, and E-Dawg (Julia’s boyfriend, Evan). We ran into 2 other Vermonters as we walked through town. The first woman, Kelly, was a construction flagged who used to live in Essex, but didn’t know any Rachts. We checked out the grocery store as we passed by. Outside of it, this woman Clara stopped us to ask what we were up to; she’d seen us and our packs yesterday as well. She declared, “You look like you need butter!” And proceeded to diagnose us with vitamin A deficiency. She insisted that we each pack out 1-2 hard boiled eggs to eat per day and even offered to boil them for us. There was NO telling this woman that we did not want to eat hard boiled eggs that had been sitting in our packs, so we told her that Liam and Julia would boil us some eggs when we met up with them. Finally Clara stopped lecturing us when I started talking to Lin, running the grocery, who used to live in Rutland. We got walking again and listened to some music. Owen continued not to feel well.

When we finished the road walk, we hitched back to town and went to the Big Sky Thrift Store, which was full of rich people ski resort gear marked at LOW prices. We bought wool clothes, more layers for the hike, and even a pair of brand new Solomon cross-country ski boots for Owen ($20!). We mailed home the stuff we wouldn’t carry, and it still ended up cheaper than how much we would spend to buy it secondhand in VT. Very exciting. From there, we went to our fancy hotel room at the Big Sky resort; Owen and Susan split it as a birthday present for my 30th. It was deluxe! We did laundry and got dinner. 

In the morning, I got up early to read in the hot tub outside. It was lovely. Then we had our complimentary breakfast. It was supposed to be a buffet but was menu order style; Owen expressed to the waitress that as hikers we’d been looking forward to the buffet for quantity. She told us to order as much as we liked for free. We sure did. It was delicious! Then we went back to the post office to mail ourselves resupplies ahead. Liam, Julia, and E-Dawg met us there to drive back to West Yellowstone. 

[angelsnaiils]

diary 08/05/23

okay i’m writing this in the morning so it’s actually mostly going to be about yesterday heh ◝꒰ ´ ˘ `♡ ꒱ my sister and i went thrifting yesterday!! i was honestly pretty successful, i got a cute new sweater, a pink button up for layering, a white blazer, low waisted vs pink yoga pants, black uggs!!?, and white mary jane heels!

quick happy rants about what i’m most excited about …

like pretty much any other clothing product made from animals (such as leather), i would never buy uggs new, however i don’t mind buying secondhand. they’re in pretty good condition and they’re not the iconic brown but i think these will actually fit my style needs better!! that’s why i love thrifting, i often end up finding things that fit MY tastes so perfectly hehe - much better than normal shopping.

im also THRILLED about the heels!!! i have my first ever lolita meet in two weeks (!!!!) and i was a little worried because i don’t have actual lolita shoes yet, i only have these amazon shoes i got as a gift and they do the job but ugh i didn’t want to wear amazon to a meet ૮꒰ྀི ◞ ⸝⸝⸝ ◟ ꒱ྀི১ typically i wear converse or boots because i just wear lolita on campus and am a little lax with rules … anyways!!these came at the perfect time!! i also picked up a bag of various pink and white ribbon at one of the thrift stores and i was able to create the perfect little bows to attach to the heels so they’re properly lolita ໒꒰ྀི ๑ ´ ˘ ` ू ꒱ྀིა

finally the yoga pants! i’d been considering getting a pair for a while now, which is funny bc i had them like 10 years ago.. ah, fashion cycles.. anyways, my mom found them and they fit like a glove! i really love the low waist, i discovered that i actually LOVE low waisted bottoms so i’m very happy to add these to my closet. they have the classic little vs pink dog on the waist which i love ଘ(੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭ i’m excited to wear these on my study-at-home days this fall!

phew, okay!

after shopping i got to hang out with my bf and friends (ﾉ´▽｀)ﾉ♪ we usually would have played dnd, but since i’m still recovering i didn’t feel up to it so instead we played a board game and just relaxed and chatted :3 it was really nice! AND one of my friends had put together a whole care package for me ૮꒰ྀི ◞ ⸝⸝⸝ ◟ ꒱ྀི১ she got me pudding, soup, a candle, a soft pink blanket, and YARN! she’s seriously the sweetest, i have the best friends ♡

today, i desperately need to clean my room… will probably also do some discord work and crochet or work on my accessories for the meet! right now i’m about to plan my meals for the day since i’m still on extremely soft foods and liquids :”) id also like to take a walk! i’ve hated not being able to do much exercise, i miss running :( but i’ll be fully healed soon!

thanks for reading + have a lovely day my friends!! ໒꒰ྀི ๑ ´ ˘ ` ू ꒱ྀིა

[teklarn]

𝔂𝓸𝓾'𝓻𝓮 𝓷𝓸𝓽 𝓶𝔂 𝓫𝓸𝔂𝓯𝓻𝓲𝓮𝓷𝓭 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾 (𝓹𝓽.4)

character(s): katsuki bakugou x gn!reader (x eijirou kirishima) 

a/n: y’all it makes me so happy how many people like my work oh my gosh i’m so motivated when enthusiasm shows tytyty <33 

𝕣𝕖𝕓𝕝𝕠𝕘𝕤 𝕒𝕣𝕖 𝕘𝕣𝕖𝕒𝕥𝕝𝕪 𝕒𝕡𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕔𝕚𝕒𝕥𝕖𝕕 !!

summary: bakugou x gn!reader. they have feelings for one another but have no idea how to express them, however y/n has someone pining for their attention. 

genre: angst 

warnings: mutual pining, cussing, aged-up to third years, love triangle, romantic tension, one-sided pining, jealousy, toxic kirishima (ok but like he’s hot tho), slowburn romance, not proofread 

word count: 2423

- - -

part 3 , part 5

you twiddled your thumbs in front of the poster. a halloween party? next month? it’d come as a surprise how fast the holiday was coming up. 

your stomach filled with butterflies, however, it sunk when you remembered what had happened last night. 

the little fight you had with kirishima. how it seemed like he suddenly hated bakugou, who was one of his best friends. you didn’t want to believe that kirishima could have had feelings for you. perhaps he was just protecting you. 

you sighed. you truly didn’t want to fight with either of them. maybe kirishima was right. he did know bakugou better than you, but to your knowledge, bakugou had never had a relationship. 

maybe kirishima was trying to say that bakugou would be toxic in the sense that he would never pay attention to you. perhaps he would be too focused on becoming the number one hero. 

whatever. it didn’t matter now. 

the poster listed that it was going to be a costume party, and dressing up was mandatory. you were good friends with mei hatsume from the support group, so she would be going all-out for the season. you wondered if she’d be able to whip something up for you, too. 

you had a few minutes left before class started, surely she should be available for a little bit of chatter. besides, mei hatsume never turned down a new project. 

turning, you started your way to the support classrooms just to be stopped, come face-to-face with the one person you’d been trying to avoid all day. “i don’t want to talk right now, kirishima,” you snapped. perhaps you were being a bit harsh, but he was the one trying to control you, was he not? 

“then don’t talk, y/n. i’ll talk.” 

you shoved past him, clutching your books to your chest. “no.” 

“just hear me out, okay? last night was...i didn’t mean to seem-” 

“seem what? possessive? rude? like an overprotective, jealous boyfriend?” 

“in no way was i trying to come across as any of those, trust me y/n.” 

you continued on your way to the support classes only to find him standing before you again. You sighed, tightening your grip around your books. “what.” you commanded him, you didn’t ask. 

kirishima let out a sigh of his own, letting his arms fall to his sides. “can we just...talk? we’re friends, and we’ve always communicated well with each other.” 

“communication was out of the question yesterday, wasn’t it?” you attempted shoving him away to continue on your way, but he caught your shoulder, finger pads digging into your skin possessively. 

“please, y/n.” 

you looked down your nose at him. “fine. say what you so badly want to get out.” 

“listen, i-” 

the bell rang, and students went rushing back into their classrooms. you shrugged, victorious. “looks like the bell isn’t on your side either, kirishima.” 

you heard him sigh in defeat, but did not look back.

---

there was something about the way kirishima was suddenly looking at you that bakugou didn’t like. at all. his pencil snapped in his grip, chips of wood and led flying into the air. 

speaking of kirishima, what was up with him lately? everything was suddenly about you. he was always around you. sure, throughout the years, you two had gotten closer, but kirishima looked just about ready to abandon bakugou’s ass on the side of the road. 

as usual, aizawa would be a bit late. in about ten minutes, the man would come wandering in, bags hanging low under his eyes, and instruct the lesson before falling back into his much-needed slumber. 

that was when bakugou would interrogate kirishima. but first, he needed to talk to you. needed to be sure he was on the winning side before anything happened between kirishima. 

bakugou walked over to your desk, tugging at your sleeve to get your attention. 

“hm?” you looked up from your notebook. “yes, bakugou? do you need something?” 

“yeah,” he replied, scratching the back of his neck. “you saw the poster too, right? the one about that stupid dance.” 

“well, i don’t think it’s stupid. it looks fun! don’t you think?” 

he drowned himself in your eyes. “mhm.” 

“so, did you still need something?” 

“got any costume ideas in mind?” 

you feigned surprise. “katsuki bakugou? are you saying what i think you’re saying?” 

he licked his lips. gosh, the way his name rolled off your tongue sounded the way honey tasted. “don’t push it.” he grinned. “still considering it.” 

“well, if you’re thinking of going, you definitely should. i’m buying tickets with mina and kaminari if you’d like to tag along.” 

“tag along?” he let out a breathy chuckle. “i’ll be the star of the show if i ‘tag along’, you got me?” 

you gave him a side smile. “mhm. but you do realize how hectic it’s gonna be there, right? i mean, you’ve got to pick something that...pops, y’know?” your fingers sprung out to add emphasis. 

“whether i wear some stupid costume or not, i’m still going to be the star of the show. you got that?”

you knew he was only teasing. if it’d been the bakugou from before, he would have most likely meant it, however, you knew how he openly teased you now. strangely, it was only you who he was so open with. 

bakugou smirked, leaning down to raise your chin with his fingers. “i’ll go if you go.”  

he had your heart pacing rapidly. “mhm.” 

“use your words.” 

“yes, i think i’ll go.” 

“you think?” he taunted. 

“i will go.” you cleared your throat. “bakugou.” 

“good.” his gentle fingers let go of your chin and he wandered back to his desk, eyeing you from there for a moment before flicking open a textbook and reading. 

you diverted your eyes back to your notebook, hands shaking as you wrote down the date. you scribbled down your name three times in the top right corner just to look busy. 

adjusting your elbow, you did your best to make it look like you were merely leaning your cheek on your hand in a bored manner. gosh. you could still feel his eyes burning into you, demanding. serious. gorgeous and blood red. 

kirishima was right about you having feelings for bakugou. however you sat there conflicted for a little while. 

bakugou had just approached you in a similar manner as kirishima. did kirishima..? 

no, you two were only friends. 

you shook your head, still doing your best to conceal the stupid grin crossing your cheeks. 

everyone knew that telling other people if you were just friends with someone after they asked, one person had feelings for the other at least. it was another thing asking yourself that. 

- - - 

it was just a week before the dance, and you still had yet to choose a costume. mina and kaminari had offered you a few of the costumes she’d worn at previous halloween parties, but none had appealed to you. 

you wanted something fresh. wanted something that you’d feel like you would have fun in. 

“wouldn’t dressing up as a pirate be really, i don’t know. i just feel like it’d be super super hot in the gym.” 

mina rolled her eyes. “well duh, you look hot in everything, y/n.” 

you scoffed. “thanks, but i’m not sure about that.” 

“kirishima seems to think so,” kaminari teased from inside the change room. all three of you were currently at a thrift store trying to find matching costumes. 

you rolled your eyes, disregarding the fact he couldn’t see. “don’t bring him up. please.” 

“what happened between you two?” mina asked, slipping the costume back onto its hanger. she slipped it back into its spot on the rack and began sifting through new clothes. “you guys just suddenly stopped talking.” 

you shrugged. “he’s just been...off lately. you know? i don’t know how else to explain it. but ever since that incident where he broke bakugou’s nose-” 

kaminari peaked out from the curtain, jaw dropping. “he broke bakugou’s nose?” 

you waved him off. “yes, now let me finish. kirishima did this thing where he just...he acted all protective in private and then tried to apologize for it the next day. he kept telling me stuff like bakugou wasn’t good for me and everything.” 

mina blinked, jaw dropping to the floor. “honey, what?” 

she and kaminari exchanged shocked glances before she popped a hip out and put her fist to it. 

“bestie, honey. you really are oblivious, aren’t you?” 

you let out an exasperated breath. “he told me that, too! he pinned me to the wall and was like, oh, you’re so oblivious.” you imitated his voice, puffing out your chest to mock his stockiness. 

“baby, baby! do you hear yourself?” mina shook you, taking you by your shoulders. “what the heck? are you blind? he’s down bad for you!” 

“bad? if he had feelings for anyone, not just me, i think kirishima would be a little more considerate.” 

“but it’s bakugou,” kaminari chirped in. “he knows he won’t win if he doesn’t get you now.” 

“please, bakugou doesn’t win at everything.” 

mina raised an eyebrow. “but you already have feelings for bakugou, so technically he’s already winning.” 

you pursed your lips. “i guess, but if kirishima really had romantic feelings for me, he’d be less of an ass about it.” 

“is he going to the dance?” kaminari closed the curtain, rustling around to change back into his clothes once more. 

“i’m pretty sure.” you began sifting through clothes with mina. “bakugou said he’d go if i went. so i’m guessing kirishima is going to be there, too. bakugou and he are never apart.” 

mina slapped her thigh in disbelief. “do you hear yourself, babes?” she wore a stupid grin. “i haven’t seen those two together since...i don’t know, not for the past month. they’re fighting over you, whether you realize it, whether they realize it.” 

kaminari let out a false moan. “oh to have those two fighting over me.” he came out of the change room dressed in his own clothes. 

“did the costume not fit?” mina asked. 

“my fat ass is too fat for it. i’m too hot to be a pirate.” he posed, mimicking aoyama. 

“your ass is flatter than a pancake, kaminari.” 

you chuckled, but couldn’t help thinking about what mina was saying. as your two friends began chatting away, you lost yourself in your thoughts. 

- 

the three of you sat down for dinner at a cheap restaurant. mina and kaminari had bought a matching costume set, and you were still left without one. the two had left for the bathroom, leaving you sipping your own drink alone. 

your chest sank into your stomach when a familiar head full of red, the roots beginning to darken, stepped into the restaurant. he ordered what you’d guessed. 

he waited for the meal to be prepared for take out, rocking back and forth on his heels and whistling softly. 

thankfully, you felt someone rest a hand on your shoulder. you turned, expecting to see kaminari or mina attempting to save you. instead, you found a strange man. he looked to be around your age. you vaguely recognized his face. perhaps you’d seen him around yuuei before. 

uncomfortable, you shoved his hand off. “please go away.” 

kirishima blinked slowly when his eyes found you. you did not attempt to hide your annoyance. 

you wanted to tell both of them to go away as the man started flirting with you. it should be expected. this wasn’t the best place to be hanging out, either. 

you heard footsteps rushing up, and soon, a hand clamped around your wrist. you cried out as kirishima pulled you out of your seat. 

“do you have an issue?” he demanded, eyes boring into the man’s. 

the man licked his lips. “you seem like you have an issue, here.” his words slurred grossly. “we were over here minding our own business.” 

“they don’t want it.” kirishima snapped. 

“kirishima, i can handle this myself. you tried to shove off his grip. he let go, knowing that this wasn’t truly how he wanted to approach you. 

“see?” the man said. “they’re fine.” 

“get out of here.” 

“kirishima, what’re you-” 

the man put his hands up in surrender and wandered out. 

you pushed kirishima back. “what the hell?” 

“fine. be mad at me, but he was invading your space.” 

your brow furrowed. “you’re one to talk! do i need to put some kind of restraining order on you? you keep following me everywhere.” 

“not anywhere! this was a coincidence.” 

you shook your head. “it’s pointless trying to argue with you. you’re so toxic!” 

kirishima tongued the inside of his cheek. “think what you want, y/n. i could see you were uncomfortable, anyway.” 

“no, kirishima. i don’t need your saving. i don’t need you to swoop in and pretend like you’re my hero. you’re not. don’t talk to me again unless you’ve grown the hell up.” 

as if on queue, the bell rang and kirishima’s packaged dinner was presented in a paper bag. he gave you a good, long hard stare before taking his dinner and leaving. 

your chest heaved with anger. you wanted to make him angry. if he felt romantic feelings towards you, you wanted to make him jealous. 

you gave mina and kaminari a text that you’d be going home early. it was only a half-lie. you ran to hatsume’s dorm and knocked loudly. she opened the door without hesitation and grinned widely at the sight of you, already knowing you needed something. 

kirishima was obviously so damn jealous of bakugou, wasn’t he? mina was right. he wouldn’t be able to compete. and you were going to make sure he knew that. 

- 

the blaring lights, the music louder than bakugou’s explosions. students disguised as their favorite characters. 

it was hectic, you were right about that. 

kirishima stood beside him. they’d both decided to dress in their hero costumes. the tension between them was still unspoken. they felt like strangers. 

their eyes scanned the crowd, and bakugou’s landed on you first, kirishima following closely after. 

he couldn’t help the warm, victorious feeling in his chest as he glanced to the side at kirishima’s expression. 

- 

kirishima’s chest caved in. you’d dressed in...who had made it? 

“they’re dressed as...you,” he said, aghast. 

bakugou grinned, watching you dance under the lights in your own rendition of his hero costume, that orange x crossing your chest oh-so-nicely.

- - - 

tags: (if you want to be tagged in future parts, let me know!!) 

@heizenka @misssugarless 

[pbandjesse]

I have my new war piercing! I did just knock my hand into it and it hurt a little but overall no pain! I'm really excited about it. And the piercer thinks I can have the hoop I want by the summer.

And today was a really nice day, even if it was a little cold compared to yesterday. I slept weird. Waking up in the middle of the night panicking about money for an hour or so. But I was able to put on a video and fall asleep and not feel to bad when I woke up in the morning.

When I got up I felt good. Excited to go to see Jess. And spend some time with James.

I had some clothes issues. I liked my outfit but I wasn't sure about shoes and the ones I planned on didn't work out and when we got to the car James ran back up and I asked them to get me my boots. And that was a good call. I should have brought a jacket or sweater. But Jess would have one I could borrow so in the end it was all good.

We stopped to get me a hash brown from McDonald's. But I had the rest of my Starbucks from yesterday so I just enjoyed my drink. We listened to a podcast and listened to music and it was a pretty relaxed drive. Only a few people stressing us out. And we got to Philly around 1130.

We got a good free parking space and went to find Jess. We walked through the farmers market. And sat on a bench and eventually figured out where she was and it was so good to see her.

She was a little stressed over parking so we walked around the block until Stella's opened and we were all calmed down.

And it was a great lunch. Me and Jess shared a salad. Jess and James shared meatballs. We all shared rosemary bread and pizza. It was an excellent meal.

James would leave us after that. They went to go meet up with Dante for a few hours. And so me and Jess had some time alone to wander around South Street.

Jess made the observation that people who hang out in South Street have a specific look. And really it's just Portland meets NYC in 6 blocks. The worst of the best dressed grunge. It is always fun to see the variety.

Our first stop was the piercing place. My appointment would be our last thing at 345. But Jess got a piercing a few weeks ago and it was very swollen and she wanted to get it checked. They would end up changing her jewelry to give her a longer bar. It was not fun seeing her in pain but she got through it and while it was still sore it apparently was like instant relief and it look way less angry. So that is very good.

In the two hours we had to waste we would go get fairly subpar drinks (she got a latte and I got a chocolate milk), and then went to look at some vintage stores that were all very expensive but still were fun.

We went to Philly aids thrift. And if we had been interested in looking through the clothes I am sure it would have been our best best in prices. But we had some laughs at things we found. Jess was funny at one point asking for a hug. She's so sweet.

We wandered in and out of other vintage shops. I wasn't interested in buying but I had fun finding treasures. I even found a pair of shoes I used to be obsessed with. And really great vintage stuff. It was fun.

I would end up buying a window decal of Bart Simpson for James in an excellent, but very very expensive vintage shop. Regardless I had a great time looking.

After we went to the anarchist bookstore we would head back to Infinite Piercing for my appointment.

They were really nice. They helped me match to the size of my inner ear piercing diamond. And soon enough I went back alone. It all was very quick. The guy was very nice and we had some laughs when I described the cartilage piercing as sounding like someone stepping on a can of soda. But this piercing was just my lobe and was quick and only felt like being pinched.

And I love it. I think it's so cute. And I cannot wait til I can wear a hoop. But at least I have this beautiful shiny diamond in the mean time. This was Jess's birthday gift to me and I appreciate it so much.

We would head back to my car after we finished there. Got the cow squishmallow for her. And she gave me the bunny she got for me. An excellent trade.

As we walked towards where she was parked we found James. I had texted them to head back towards us. And we would say goodbye to Jess before we all parted ways.

Me and James stopped at the Wawa before getting on the highway. I got a little sandwich but it was dry. Ah well. I just needed to eat something.

We had a pretty easy ride home. A little traffic. But it was okay. I was tired. We finished the podcast and listened to music. And around 630 were finally home.

It was very windy and I was cold. I was a little snippy about wanting to get inside. We did get in fast though. And I was really happy to be back.

I checked in with the animals. Took pictures of my peeps. Had a snack. Went through the makeup and lotions Jess had sent back with me. She got a bunch of samples and mini size products and she picked me some excellent stuff. I am very excited to try them all out.

Once I put all that away I got a sweater on and went to chill with James. I played pokemon for a little. And eventually went and laid down to watch videos.

James would join me. Sweetp too. And it was just really nice to chill. I am not looking forward to work tomorrow. Nursery all day. I am sure I will have fun but my feet hurt and I am tired. I hope I sleep well tonight. James has promised me an omelet before work so I have something to look forward too.

Now though I am clean and cozy and ready to rest. I hope you have a great night tonight. Wish me luck not banging my ear. I have a donut pillow that I hope will help. Goodnight everyone!!

[keelywolfe]

FIC: The Rose and the Thorn: Chapter 18 (Mafia AU)

Summary: Rus makes a decision.

Tags: Spicyhoney, Cherryberry, Mafia AU, Flower Shop AU, Violence, First Meetings

Warning:  Heads up, let me add a warning here for attempted sexual assault and violence.

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17

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Lilies were lovely flowers, and it was a damn shame that Humans seemed to only associate them with funerals and Easter. They made for a beautiful focal point in a bouquet, large waxy petals in a bright array of colors surrounding the dark stamen, dozens of them spilling out and around a vase or basket, brilliant shades complimented by a delicate frame of leafy greens.

So many gorgeous colors available and Blue grew many of them, but the lilies Rus was working with were white, only a hint of creamy yellow at their centers. They smelled nearly as beautiful as the crimson roses that joined them, each delicate bloom nestled into its cushioning bed of neighboring white.

(A single red rose, please)

Only Rus’s fingers were stained with redness, not from those velvety petals but from the thorns, the dark crimson of his own marrow spotting the lilies, smearing bloody across those pale petals and he couldn’t stop even as they began to wither under his touch, white petals spotted in redness curling up and dying, and—

Rus woke with a gasp, the cold sweat on his bones chilling him as the dream of withered petals slowly faded. He sank back against the mattress and ran a trembling hand over his face, grimacing at the dampness.

Next to him, his brother slept on obliviously, his smaller frame buried deeply in the luxurious comforter on their borrowed bed. The bathroom light was on, seeping out to cast the room in shadows and even in the dimness, Blue’s much-loved face was lined with obvious exhaustion. The crow’s wing of a bruise running down his cheekbone wasn’t quite hidden into the pillow, stark against pale bone.

Thoughtlessly, Rus reached out with the vague idea to heal it and hesitated with his fingers still inches from that bruise. Tired as Blue was, he sure as hell wouldn’t be able to sleep through any sort of magic being used on him. Better to let him rest and take care of it when he woke up, and if looking at it made his gorge rise with swelling guilt, then Rus only had himself to blame. This all might have started with him getting dragged in, but things had changed since that day in the shop when he had hidden behind the counter in a stranger’s arms.

That day was over and a new one was dawning, one where Rus complicit, for not listening to his brother’s warnings, for not keeping his distance, for letting his desire for Edge overrule his rather uncommon sense.

No, that wasn’t entirely true, at least one other person was at fault here, the one who’d caused that bruise. He wasn’t sure he believed Blue that their so-called host wasn’t to blame; even if he hadn’t struck the blow, he’d obviously failed to protect them as promised. Broken promises tended to multiply, that was a hard lesson Rus learned while they were still Underground.

Well, he certainly wasn’t lost in a metal fog any longer. He felt as if he were waking up from more than an unpleasant dream. His pleasure-tinted memories of last night in Edge’s bed had lost their luster the moment he got a good look at his brother’s bruised face and cold reality settled in its place, sinking down into the pit of his soul like cold water sinking to the ocean floor.

Somehow, he’d been slowly starting to forget the truth; that he and Blue were here unwillingly, staying only for protection against revenge that hadn’t been theirs to begin with. They were very bad men, Edge warned Rus of that from the very beginning, and Edge was still planning on dealing with Blaze however he would; someone would likely be dead and dust by the end, and Rus couldn’t allow himself to forget that, if only to ensure that neither he nor his brother were part of it.

Rus wrapped his arms around his legs, settling his chin on his updrawn knees. Where the hell did he think this was all going to go, anyway? When everything was said and done, and Blaze was dealt with, where did he fit in a place like this? He didn’t, that was how, did he really think he’d be able to finish up his shift at the shop making bouquets and then come back here to pretend he didn’t know what was happening around him, both inside and out of these walls. Even if Edge wanted him for longer than a few nights, Rus couldn’t do that. He couldn’t.

His brother’s comment about getting paid well might have been cruel, but it wasn’t entirely untrue. Only it didn’t seem to be dollars that Rus was bartering with, but instead his own soul.

No. He couldn’t let that happen, not to Blue. His brother worked so hard for everything they had ever since their pop left. He wasn’t going to throw it away, not for a few minutes of pleasure, he couldn’t.

This would end eventually; they would go back to their home and their flower shop and leave all this madness behind, and though it made a fresh lump rise in his throat to think of it, Rus decided that he would tell all of this to Edge today. Whether it ended in pleading or demands didn’t matter, he was going to end whatever this was, could it even be called a relationship? All Edge knew about him was what he’d seen through a window. It was time to set aside this ridiculous fantasy, if not for himself then for his brother’s sake.

The sheets were still clinging to him clammily, sweat from his nightmare drying uncomfortably on his bones. Rus slipped carefully from the bed, snatching up his phone and using the flashlight to help him pick out fresh clothes from the closet.

It was still relatively early, only barely past six am, no wonder Blue was still sleeping. Normally, Rus would be as well, it was another hour before his time to groaningly drag himself out of bed and down to the shop for his daily shift. As tired as he was, the idea of crawling back in to lay on the damp sheets didn’t appeal much.

Instead, he went into the bathroom to change, this time in a pair of loose, flowing trousers with an oversized sweater layered over a plain button-up. It was a heck of a lot closer to something he’d find in his own closet, even if he could tell by the feel of the fabric that it was from some pricy department store and not the local thrift shop. He wondered idly if someone had actually gone shopping for these new clothes or if they’d simply ordered in like Chinese takeout. He had kind of a hard time picturing a delivery boy turning up at the back entrance of the club loaded down with bags of clothes instead of egg rolls. Whoever brought ‘em, he was reluctantly grateful for the quantity even as he shrank away at the thought of how long they might be intended to be there, and how could he stay away from Edge living directly down the hallway from him, how could he…?

Rus resolutely pushed that thought aside, splashing cool water on his face and patting it dry. It was a good thing their closet was filled, he told himself, ‘cause the clothes he’d worn yesterday were downstairs in the stripper’s dressing room, probably never to be seen again.

That thought made him cast a guilty look at the clothes he’d worn up here, the ones loaned to him by Mona for her brief tutorial on dancing. They were lying in a careless pile leftover from last night’s shower and he bit the tip of his tongue worriedly. Maybe Mona would need them back, someone had to. He could ask the Dogs to bring them to her with a note of thanks…or he could take them himself and let her know that he was all right.

Plus, it’d be a chance to give her some proper gratitude for trying to help out. Sure, it hadn’t worked out the way he’d hoped, really not, but that wasn’t her fault, and she didn’t have the first idea how the story ended last night. Seemed like she should at least get to know Rus probably wasn’t gonna end up with cement shoes or anything, but this time, if he was going downstairs, he’d do it properly and walk.

Decision made, Rus gathered up the clothes, folding them into a tidy bundle. They were rumpled and stank richly of sweat and sex. He blushed to think of returning them that way, but he couldn’t lie, it felt less embarrassing to bring them back to Mona than to leave it for the Dogs to find on laundry day. Worst that could happen with her was it would confirm some suspicions she already had.

He carried the bundle out of the bathroom with him, hesitating as he glanced at the bed and the lump in the covers that was his sleeping brother. This time there wouldn’t be any slipping off without a word, no more secrets, not if he could help it. He paused at the little table by the door to write his brother a note, his scribbly handwriting stating clearly that he was returning something downstairs and he’d be back soon.

That was one thing done right, at least.

That done, he slipped out the door to the hallway, closing the door hastily before the light could wake his brother. As expected, there was a Dog standing guard outside and it turned to him questioningly, its headed tilting to one side.

“excuse me, can you take me downstairs to speak with the ladies?” Rus said. Firm yet polite seemed like the best route and he held up the bundle in his arms. “i have some stuff to take back to them.” He really hoped they didn’t offer to just take it for him and not just because there was no way a Dog wouldn’t pick up on the reek. He was gonna talk to Mona one way or another, flimsy excuse or not.

The Dog said nothing, and Rus still wasn’t quite sure if that was a choice, an order, or simply a physical impossibility. It seemed to consider, then pulled out a cell phone, unhindered by its paws as it briskly tapped out a message. Whatever reply they received, they nodded and led the way down the hall to the elevator, the same one Edge brought him upstairs in, hey, he was starting to get the hang of this place.

Once the doors open again, Rus took the lead, heading to the dressing room from last night. The Dog waited at the entrance as he slipped inside, clothes in hand.

It was mostly empty now, none of the bustling and hurried dressing of the night before. The only stripper in the room was the Cat Monster…Lilith, that was her name, and her clothing was a stark contrast to their first meeting. Her revealing slip of a dress was exchanged for simple jeans and a t-shirt with ‘Bad Girl’ written in sparkly letters across the chest. She was tying the laces on her sneakers, glancing up and then again in a doubletake as she caught sight of him.

She gave him a sultry smile, pink tongue curling over her lips. “Well, hey there, sugar skull, stopping in for another visit or are you hiding out again?”

“no, um,” Rus said, awkwardly. He held up the bundle. “mona loaned me some clothes, i was just bringing them back.”

“Oh, is that all?” she yawned, showing sharp teeth, “Night shift is over, hun, Mona’s gone for the day.” She tilted her head in the direction of a large bin that was already overflowing with clothes, bra straps and stockings hanging over the sides. “You can toss it in the pile, they’ll get take care of.”

Rus wavered, torn, then decided he didn’t need to keep them as an excuse to visit with Mona. A lack of one hadn’t stopped him yet. He tossed the bundle in the pile and started back out to the hallway, then hesitated to ask, “do you know when mona will be back?”

Maybe if she worked tonight, he could slip down to see her before she started for the night.

“Sorry, hun, schedules change. If you want to wait, I can check after I get a smoke. I’m dying for a cig.” She held up a pack of cigarettes and against his will, his gaze strayed to it longingly. He hadn’t had one in days now and his nicotine craving lifted its ugly, eager head, starting a painful itch in his marrow. Damn, he hadn’t even checked his backpack when the Dog gave it to him and didn’t remember if he had a pack of smokes in it. He sure wasn’t about to ask Edge or, angel forbid, Red for one. It might be days yet before he got out to buy a pack himself.

Lilith gave him a knowing look. “Want one, sweetheart? You got that kind of look.”

The sudden flood of saliva in his mouth was embarrassing, but eh, the rules were a little different for smokers, nothing wrong with bumming the occasional cigarette so long as it didn’t become another habit, a worse one than smoking itself.

“i…yes,” Rus said gratefully, “if you don’t mind?”

“Nah, c’mon, I can share.”

She turned and walked towards the back of the room, her slender tail curling around her feet and Rus followed her to heavy door with a bright ‘Exit’ sign gleaming over it in neon red.

“I’d get a smack on the hand if they caught me sneaking out this way,” Lilith confided. Her whiskers quivered as she wrinkled her little muzzle. “But I can’t stand walking all the way ‘round for a quick smoke. I get enough exercise on the pole, you know?”

He didn’t, but he could certainly guess. He followed Lilith outside into an alleyway lined with trash cans, the sky overhead tinged grey with the coming dawn. She shook out one for herself and lit it before handed over the pack, and the first hit of nicotine melded into his magic with deep, mellow relief. Talking didn’t seem necessary, Lilith only played on her phone while both of them smoked silently through their cigarettes and when Lilith was done, she tossed her butt to pavement already littered with dozens more and shook out another before handing the pack back to him.

“May as well have another, honey,” she said, and he really shouldn’t, he had enough debt as it was, and what was that look she was giving him, something like regret…?

There was a sudden stinging at the back of his neck, coupled with hot breath, whispering low in flame-speak. “Yes, do have another. It might well be your last.”

The still smoldering butt fell from his nerveless fingers, falling into a puddle with a hiss, the dizziness already swarming over him distancing him from both his senses and his magic. He whirled clumsily around to see a fire Monster standing behind him, as tall as he was and nearly as broad as Red. The hectic flutter of his purplish flames cast the alley in disturbing shadows, devils dancing to their deaths in the slowly growing sunlight.

Blaze.

Rus took a stumbling step back, fumbling at the door, but there was no handle on the outside, only smooth metal. He looked at Lilith disbelievingly, slurring out, “wha…why?”

Tears were streaming down her pretty face, soaking into the short fur. “I’m sorry, honey, I’m so sorry. He was offering money, so much money, you don’t understand what it’s like here—”

He didn’t hear whatever else she said as he was suddenly seized, pushed back against the rough bricks of the alley wall. Those deep purple flames managed to be somehow both dark and blinding, Rus squinting against that painful light, cringing away.

“don’t—” Rus stuttered out. But his hands were disobedient and strengthless, pushing helplessly against Blaze’s shirt as he stepped closer, his surprisingly heavy body pinning him against the wall. His face was too close, burning fingers painfully pinching his chin and forced Rus to lift his head, the smoky ash of his breath gusting over Rus’s face.

“Perhaps I judged too quickly on Edge’s tastes. You are rather a pretty thing, after all.”

Rus cried out, the sound muffled, choking as his mouth was taken in a rough kiss, the pained heat of flaming tongue forcing its way between his teeth. He didn’t think, could hardly manage a single idea past no. He bit down automatically, choking again as his mouth filled with bitterness reminiscent of gasoline.

He nearly fell as he was released, gasping for breath, and he only barely managed to open his sockets enough to see the blow before it struck, his vision exploding into whiteness as Blaze backhanded him and sent him to his knees amidst the filthy puddles and the rotting old cigarette butts.

Dazed, he could only watch as Lilith grabbed hold of Blaze’s arm as it rose again. “Stop it! You said you wouldn’t hurt him!”

“So I did,” Blaze said, and someone Rus couldn’t see was translating in a gleeful drawl, “You should have secured the same promise for yourself.”

A deafening sound rang through the alley and Rus stared dumbly as a bright blossom of red appeared on Lilith’s shirt, splatters of crimson stark against her white fur like winter berries in a snow bed. She looked down at herself in confused disbelief, touching that awful wound with trembling fingers and smearing that stain across her shirt as she slowly collapsed to the ground. Filthy water splashed, more redness tainting the puddle in a slowly spreading pool as she stared sightlessly up at the rising sun.

In that moment Rus found his voice, managing to croak out something like a hoarse scream before a rough hand slapped over his mouth, the brutal grip painful on his jaw.

“Come on, put him in the backseat. I’ll see if I can keep our guest entertained for the trip.”

He was dragged over to a waiting car, shoes scraping the pavement uselessly, barely noticing the leather seats beneath him. A door slammed and hot hands hauled him upright until he was sprawled awkwardly across an uncomfortable lap, a scorching mouth licking a painful path up his cervical vertebrae. Fingertips plucked threateningly at his clothes, but didn’t wander beneath them, and that only made Rus shudder helplessly, dizzily nauseous and numbly clouded in rising fear over what was to come.

edge. help me. It was hardly more than a distant, uncertain thought, the words never making it to his slack mouth.

tbc

[flojocabron]

01/05/22: My first Wednesday finds of 2022! The fleamarket seems to have slowed down considerably lately. That or sellers are still relaxing for new years. First find was a ziplock bag with some small yugioh figures for $5.00. Then for $2.00 I found something that I vaguely remember having as a kid, a Tonka RV camper toy car. Followed up for $2.00, a My Hero Academia toy. The best find was for $10.00 a PS1 guncon and a NES advantage together. A kind old man had his setup and he looked like he sold a lot of things already. Mostly clothes and knickknacks. I found the dusty NES pad and he said it was $10. I paid him for it. And when I found the gun, I asked again. He said take it for free! Nice. The last things I found was a Pittsburgh Pirates hat and a Digimon digivice for $3.00. I then went to the thrift store, but there wasn't anything new, it was pretty much the same stuff from yesterday. All I got there today was two graphic novels and a supergirl doll for $2.00. Thanks for looking and seeing my weird, random gets.