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lastchancestardomm · 4 hours ago

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TF2 Mercs Headcanons

That's it. That's the post. A long-ass post about my headcanons for the Mercs + Miss Pauling. Just a brain splurge, if anything, so cringe warning.

Also, FYI, Miss Pauling's segment might be shorter than the rest. I admit I don't have as many ideas for her.

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Scout

~ His full name is Jeremy Willis.

~ He is 23 and 5'10.

~ He was born in Boston, Massachusetts. He grew up in the Quincy area, mainly surrounded by his seven older brothers and ma.

~ As a child, he was in little league baseball.

~ Has ADHD.

~ AroAce (I'd get into that, but it'd be a whole spiel that needs it's own post).

~ Most of his older brothers became unkempt once they graduated, and some of the younger ones started to smoke; to push boundaries, or something. On the Quincy street corners, they could be spotted huddled together like estranged raccoons.

~ He has a rocky relationship with his oldest brother. The two rarely saw each other. Despite all the teasing and bullying he faced for being a runt, he loves his brothers. But him and his oldest haven't talked in a long while.

~ His ma loves him like no other. The Youngest Child Syndrome is very strong with him. Nowadays, he still gets letters all the way from Boston with cheesy nicknames and hearts drawn all over them from his ma, which he loves despite how much it embarrasses him.

~ Ticklish.

~ Hopped up on caffeine, he somehow biked all the way from Quincy, Boston, to New Mexico before unceremoniously collapsing on the side of the street to take a three-day nap, just to take the job of a Mercenary. He hates mentioning this, for some reason. Is it the "collapsing on the side of the street" part?

~ He can read at about a 2nd-Grade level. Any sentence more complex than "The cat chases the bird" will look like a foreign language to him.

~ He only took the job because bashing heads in in exchange for cash sounded incredibly amusing and fun to him. Other than getting into street fights as a kid, he has no real qualifications.

~ He stims quite a lot. He wrings his hands, bounces his leg, if he has access to gum he tends to chew the whole pack at once for the texture; and as he usually has a spare baseball on hand, he'll toss into the air and catch it or bounce it against a wall.

Soldier

~ His full name is Johnathan Harold Doe. After an incident, and thanks to outside hands, he now goes under the alias Jane Doe.

~ He is 44 and 5'11.

~ He was born in South Dakota.

~ He was raised in an extremely conservative household, and was taught to tote guns at a young age.

~ His father had served in WWI, which was the beginning of his passionate patriotism for America. He would wear a cooking pot on his head like a bucket helmet holding a BB shotgun, commanding other kids like he was a sergeant. The other kids never appreciated being ordered around, though, so fights would often break out between him and other boys.

~ His father became a heavy drinker to cope with the PTSD from his time in the war. His drunken father was not a kind man, and he was often beaten for getting into the fights with other boys and 'mocking good American soldiers'. This only strengthened his resolve to try and prove himself, though, no matter how much it hurt.

~ For his teenage years and young adulthood, he spent most of his time in military camps and other youth academies, attending them to try and prove that he was worthy to be a soldier, where he has seen and done some things he'd rather forget.

~ At the height of World War 2, he had attempted to join the army, but was rejected by every branch of the U.S Military. In a burning state of defiance, he bought himself a ticket to Poland and started blasting villages his gut told him were Nazi-owned, only returning in 1949. He is now a war-criminal in all of Europe.

~ He paces often; when and when he's not talking, when he's bored, or simply to stim. At first, it was somewhat stress-inducing for the rest of the Mercs; waking up to see him marching up and down the hallway and such at night.

~ The only way he can sleep at the base is if there's a fan on. If there is not a fan on, he will lay stock-still but never sleep.

~ Has an incredible sweet tooth. The only other way to convince this stubborn man to do anything other than to exclaim it's for America, is to lure him in with candy or pastries.

~ He created his own rocket launcher. He's a tad nutty, but he can be damn smart when need be.

~ He can read, though whatever note it is must be drenched with military jargon. The same goes for his writing; broken grammar and inappropriate use of military slang.

~ His birthday is February 22nd.

Pyro

~ His full name is Ignacio Fuoco, but he prefers to be called just Pyro.

~ He is 32 and 5'9.

~ He was born in Italy.

~ Autistic.

~ Intersex.

~ To me, Pyro is like Ash Firin from Superjail. While he is childish, young-minded, and kiddie; he is still a fully developed adult. He will enact violence on those he does not like, and quite viciously too. The only ones exempt from this cruelty are his friends.

~ He is also prone to mood swings. For reference, in a disagreement between Pyro and a stranger, Pyro is most likely to escalate it into a fistfight. When the stranger hits him back, though, Pyro would instantly crumble into tears.

~ (I keep remembering the panel where Pyro cut off Soldier's hand because he was getting in his personal space. And his muffled "Stand on the point, you wusses!". Then again, Pyro has three voicelines that are just sobbing.)

~ When he was a young child, no older than ten, he accidentally burned his house down while playing with his mother's lighter, killing both of his parents and nearly himself. The house was a pile of ash, a charred skeleton, and he himself was left severely disfigured with burns all over.

~ Most of his childhood after the incident was bound to a hospital bed, covered head-to-toe in bandages. He was visited by his Nan often, the only living member of his family he had left, who brought him much comfort. Her visits also broke up the monotony of the doctors and nurses.

~ He has schizophrenia, it becoming onset after the incident, and his hallucinations becoming triggered by fire or personal distress. These hallucinations are that of Pyroland, of course— and despite the trauma he has from fire, he is enamored with his hallucinations of Pyroland, so he is drawn to fire for that reason, giving the impression he loves fire.

~ Similarly to Scout, this full-grown child stims often; rocking back-and-forth, bumping his knees, fiddling with his own or another Mercs fingers, flicking a lighter on and off, ect ect. He especially has a certain hatred for textures; while he loves textured rubber to naw on or bend, things such as velvet fabric or Engineer's oil rags freak him out.

~ Ticklish.

~ Similarly to Soldier, he's a sweets-lover.

~ The wiggliest sleeper ever. It's not that he's violent, it's that he goes to bed normally and ends up on the floor turned into a human pretzel when he wakes up.

~ He can't read, preferring another Merc to read to him.

~ As a man-child to the core, immature pranks are something to look out for if you stalk around the base at night.

~ His favourite movie is The Wizard of Oz (1939).

~ His birthday is on June 27th.

Demoman

~ His full name is Tavish Finnegan DeGroot.

~ He is 44 and 6'1.

~ He was born in Ullapool, Scotland.

~ He rarely saw his father when he was young. His father is practically a fable to him (still respects the guy's hustle though).

~ Monoculus and him have a co-worker relationship. It's a wonder how he manages to function with the voice of his haunted eye narrating his life.

~ Where most children would want to become pilots or policemen, Tav wanted to kill the Loch Ness Monster. During his time as a Mercenary, he actually managed to. It's still one of his greatest achievements, he believes.

~ Him and Miss Pauling have a pretty close relationship, bonding over going to wine tastings.

~ Tav had two sets of adoptive parents. His first adoptive parents sent him away, as they were terrified of his knack for bomb-making. His second set were accidentally blown up while he was trying to craft Loch Ness Monster-killing explosives. He still mourns what happened to his second set.

~ When he accidentally killed his second set of adoptive parents, he was around age six. So, for about six months, he lived in the Crypt Grammar School for Orphans before his biological parents took him back, as the hubbub about his bomb-making spread.

~ His parents put him to work early once they retrieved him from the orphanage, and for around a year or so he worked as a house cleaner. However, after that fateful incident at Merasmus's castle when he was seven years old, he stopped. In his teenage years he tried to busk (perform music on the street for money) where he played bagpipe, but it wasn't for him.

~ He has long, dark hair that is indeed greasy, but nonetheless he has developed a habit of twirling it or running his fingers through it.

~ When he first met the others, he was the judgiest of all of them. He was almost hostile towards them, but he came around in the end.

~ He can read and write perfectly well, though his handwriting does tend to go all over the page, even with lines.

~ His birthday is on October 31st.

Heavy

~ His full name is Mikhail "Misha" Orlok.

~ He is 43 and 6'7.

~ He was born in Moscow, Russia. Though, his current residence is in the Dzhugdzhur Mountains in Siberia. He has some Ukrainian origin in him, mostly from his grandfather (on his father's side).

~ His father was a prominent Counter-revolutionary, and a loud voice against the Soviet rule. So, in 1941, he was shot dead during a Soviet raid. Following the traumatic event, his family was tracked and imprisoned in a north Siberian gulag.

~ His family was trapped there for three months, when a fire had been started by other prisoners. In the chaos, Misha led his family to safety, despite the yelling and gunfire surrounding him.

~ It took two months for his TF Industries for-hire letter to reach him by sled dog, and he only agreed if he was allowed to send the paycheck to his family.

~ When he had met the others for the first time, while Demoman was the judgiest; he was the most secretive. In fact, even now, most don't know his full backstory.

~ Other than Engineer, those Mercenaries who seek someone to confide in will come to Misha. He is the group's best secret-keeper, after all.

~ He has a PhD in Russian Literature, and is the second-best Mercenary at math-related subjects (behind the ever-sharp Engineer).

~ His favorite film is The Dirty Dozen and first 20 minutes of Rocky IV. Other than that, he doesn't watch movies. He generally prefers books.

~ He can read and write Russian perfectly, maybe a bit too grandiose, but he can do it quite well. English is where he struggles, and English documents are nearly indecipherable.

~ Not until it was pointed out to me, did I realize Spy had once comfortably called Heavy his real name. And, while that ended up being Classic Spy, I do wonder how close of a bond Heavy and Spy actually have. I imagine, both being book worms 'n all, they meet up one-on-one on occasion and simply discuss books over tea or the sort.

~ His birthday is on January 16th.

Engineer

~ His full name is Dell Conagher.

~ He is 48 and 5'6.

~ He was born in Bee Cave, Texas.

~ Most of his childhood was spent working under the hot, Texan sun on his grandfather Radigan's oil fields. Sometimes, he would manage to con his friends into helping him with the hard labor.

~ He was a troublemaker as a child and frighteningly creative, but he thankfully mellowed out as he got older. Dell has seen and done some crazy, mad, and downright absurd things in his youth.

~ He has Ophidiophobia; a fear of snakes.

~ Dell's father is the TFC Engineer, Fred.

~ He has 11 PhDs, and cut off his right hand to use the Gunslinger.

~ His mother and father loved him as a kid, despite his father being gone often for work and such. On the weekends, though, he'd get a heartfelt letter from his dad.

~ While he himself doesn't consider it a stim, Dell has a tendency to rearrange things to occupy himself. Ranging from simply moving something to another shelf, to completely flipping his workshop upside-down.

~ When he was twelve years old, him and his friends were dicking around at an old ranch. His comeuppance for the tomfoolery? Getting kicked by a horse, right in the jaw. He's a proud Texan, and will gladly jump onto a horse rodeo-style, he will look just a tad uneasy.

~ While another Mercenary is the designated "mother-figure" to the rest, Engi is the designated "father-figure" to them.

~ A teacher's pet. He was "A pleasure to have in class", despite the laundry list of mischief he got up to. He managed to evade reprimand and keep a pristine report card just by using his wit and charm.

~ His birthday is on September 1st.

Medic

~ His full name is Herbert Ludwig.

~ He is 45 and 6'0.

~ He was born in Rottenburg, Germany.

~ He is Jewish.

~ Autistic (Fighting the Eric Cartman "Three strikes, Kyle!" quote rn).

~ He came from a long line of both doctors and chemists, and the bulk of his medical knowledge came from reading his father's books.

~ His mother and father loved him, truly, but did have high expectations of him (that were not misplaced). He had created a homemade anti-venom for bee stings when he was seven! However, his classmates were the worst.

~ He was a crybaby and easy to annoy, which made him the target of many of his classmates pranks and jeers. It didn't help that his glasses were huge on him as a kid.

~ He was around eight or nine years old when the Nazis took over, and he was sent to live with his grandparents. Following the capture of his parents, he and his grandparents moved into a small village in Austria.

~ When he was sixteen, he used his cunning to fake his own papers, and join the Austrian resistance. He was a medic then, following in his father's footsteps, and due to the horrific things he saw his sanity decreased substantially.

~ To be explicit, it wouldn't have been healthy for anyone's psyche to have to stitch the legs back onto a grown man, and then usher him back off to battle just to get blown to pieces, whilst three other men in varying states of "near dead" get dragged in expecting you to save them.

~ Following the war, he reclaimed his family's clinic in Stuttgart, and began to work as a doctor. Here, he stole a man's skeleton.

~ He was also later invited to a Prime Minister's wedding, where he stole the wedding doves; giving him Archimedes and the rest of his dovery. He was going to preform experiments on them, but the birds somehow won his heart.

~ After this, he moved to the United States as to not be detained and have his experiments impeded. And the rest is history!

~ We all are familiar with Archimedes, his beloved second-in-command, but he has ten total doves. Euclid, the food-stealer; Eratosthenes, a talkative, perky one; Hippocrates, a charmingly dopey thing; Aristotle, flouncing about and prone to bullying the other doves, as well as a glutton for being pampered; Thales, a kleptomaniac; Eudoxes, blind and likes to be with Demoman; Galen, mischievous and a trouble-maker; Socrates, the eldest and a lover of sleeping; and Xenophanes, who is noisy, demanding, and prone to scratching and biting.

~ He's the designated "mother-figure" to the Mercenaries; healing their injuries, being someone to talk to, and a source of brutally honest advice on "How not to do stupid shit". God, they drive him up the wall sometimes, but something's holding him back from snapping (most likely the fondness he has for the others, especially Heavy, but don't tell him that (repressed) ).

~ His birthday is June 30th.

~ (canonically, Medic made a deal with the Devil in order to have his god-like medical skills what the shit)

Sniper

~ His full name is Michael "Mick"/"Mickey" Mundy. But his name also is Mun-Dee.

~ He is 27 and 6'1.

~ He was born in Dunedin, New Zealand– which is underwater, of course. He is also part Māori on his mother's half.

~ He spent his childhood in Adelaide, Australia; where he was picked on by other kids.

~ Plenty of jeers were thrown his way, by both adults and children, as he grew up. Everything from "beanpole" to his very own nickname of "Mick-Stick" he had memorized.

~ Most of his youth he spent high in trees, away from his bullies and teachers and other adults who would no doubt spit in his face and step on his achievements. As he got older, with pinpoint precision, he made rocks and sticks rain from the sky and onto his tormenters as their comeuppance.

~ His adoptive parents loved him, of course; and he loved them back, but they did not care for his blossoming profession. His father did actually teach him how to hunt, though, which probably didn't help.

~ As a teen, he took up a small gig as an animal exterminator. As a novice exterminator, he had faced giga-sized crocodiles and kangaroos twice his height. He'd stab mothballs onto the points of his arrows, and launch them into parks overrun by spiders and their webs. He'd pull gluttonous, bitey fish out of lakes with his bare hands. It was definitely much more fun than his current "extermination" gig.

~ He has a peculiar ability to crash like a wreck anywhere; simply getting too comfy leaning against a wall could cause him to start snoozing. On the other hand, any small noise will startle him awake, and prevent him from falling back to sleep for the next few hours.

~ The amber-tinted sunglasses he's iconic for actually are his dad's, which he keeps and continues to wear for sentimental reasons.

~ Every few years, the zit-faced mail boy brings him an algae-covered glass bottle with a wet letter inside, always starting with "My dearest son...". He always throws out the letters, because he knows what they contain isn't sincere.

~ His birthday is March 25th.

Spy

~ His full name is Jacques bon René.

~ He is 43 and 5'11.

~ He was born in Marseille, France.

~ His early life was far from pleasant. His parents tried to live vicariously through him, and so he was overwhelmed with a multitude of things he didn't have interest in as a child, including piano, ballet, chess, soccer, speech, amongst others that would look pretty on a report card.

~ He was also pressured to be an academic overachiever by his parents, who withheld their affection for him if he didn't succeed. Mistakes were harshly punished and success was rewarded with praise. He was forced to be a poise, perfect young man.

~ He was not a natural prodigy, but he performed the role exceptionally; and that was the first 'disguise' he can ever recall wearing.

~ He realized in his teenage years (through observation of his peers) how isolated he truly was, lacking any friends or close relationships with his teachers. Even his parents he realized he viewed just as indifferently as his teachers. Close relationships took time away from practicing being perfect, and if he wasn't perfect, he was punished for it. He sought praise, but at the same time, he's heard so much of it that it seemed to have lost its impact on him.

~ He moved out when he was eighteen, anticipating heading to a prestigious college of fine arts in England to please his parents. But he felt a hollowness inside. His grades were astronomical and he got the leading role in almost every theatrical play he auditioned for, but that was not something that surprised him or filled him with pride, it was simply something he expected of himself.

~ The gnawing hollowness eventually became to much, and he had attempted to commit suicide in his dorm. He (unfortunately for himself) did not succeed. The pure shame he felt afterwards was overwhelming, and he felt the mask that he had built up over the years falter, which scared him, and so he fled. This was the day he vanished off the face of the Earth, and later arose in the metaphorical underworld as a stealth assassin.

~ He used to be a prolific bookworm, and at any chance he got, he would tuck himself in away somewhere with his nose in a book. As his job became more intertwined with his life, though, downtime to pick up a book became scarce.

~ Adding onto that, he is one of the best to go to for book recommendations. While many of his most common recommendations are French literatures, he has read a fair few English books he can lend over.

~ He's... kind of made a vow to himself to never rejoin society again. He doesn't exist, and he pretends to like it that way. So, having a son frightened him; and he ran away, fulfilling other contracts until he either died or forgot about it. Neither happened. So each time he sees Scout, there's still some lingering guilt.

~ Medic is not the only Mercenary in ownership of a feathered companion; as Spy owns a very spoiled, somewhat creepy raven known as Aristotle (it's a coincidence that one of Medic's doves shares the name). The black bird stalks around his owner's smoking room like a shadow, but retreats to a golden cage to sleep in at night.

~ He is Aplatonic (Someone who doesn't experience platonic attraction, or lacks a desire to form friendships/has difficulty forming friendships due to neurodivergence or trauma).

~ His birthday February 29th.

Miss Pauling

~ Her full name is Florence Pauling.

~ She's 29 and 5'8.

~ She was born in Bristol, England.

~ Ever since arriving in the States, she's managed to hide her accent very well. Only a few who've either caught her early in the morning, or are the Mercenaries, have heard her real voice.

~ Lots of her childhood is completely voided in her memory, and with how busy she's kept by The Administrator– her life, to her, is first being born and then working under The Administrator. She hardly has a minute in her schedule to think about her past, and I don't believe she'd care about it if she did.

~ She's forgotten her past for good reason, as it wasn't the prettiest or kindest childhood one could have.

~ For brevity's sake, we can just say that she was shipped off to The Administrator's at twelve years old for her own family's greedy ideals.

~ The Administrator has been microdosing Miss Pauling with Australium ever since she came under her wing, most likely to prepare her for taking over once The Administrator dies. Well, if The Administrator dies.

~ Lesbian (I can't stop thinking about the moment in the comics where she forgoes joining Scout in getting to safety just to oggle at naked Zhanna).

~ Miss Pauling no longer has any official personal records. She legally doesn't exist nor is remembered by anyone who has once known her; similarly to Spy.

~ She has a variety of small ways to keep herself occupied; fiddling with a pen, whistling or making clicking sounds, tenting her thumbs, and notably, organizing things. Unlike Engineer, she simply tidies things up to pass the time rather than fully rearrange a room.

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