#queue ((oh hell i've been queued))

[neverendingford]

.

[schizosamwincester]

Hello! Welcome my sideblog! If you want to see me post about not Supernatural, my main is @drowninginredink.

If you're not going to read this introduction, it/its please, yes I am actually schizophrenic, and beware, incest lies ahead. The rest is below the cut.

Fics:

Fixing all the problems that you made in your own head - schizophrenic!John, no supernatural AU

You sound absurd, even if you're right - schizophrenic!Sam, sampreg, Sam & Dean, past Sam/Lucifer

The Story Doesn't Change - schizophrenic!Sam, Sam & Dean, Mystery Spot

Everything I thought I knew has fallen out of view - schizophrenic!Sam, Sam & Dean, It's a Terrible Life

Do you ever feel that this should be officially the end? - Pre-Series, John, Murder/Suicide

Pretty Thing (you'll be complete) - Closeted trans woman!Dean/Post-op trans woman!Bela (smut)

Hold you breath, I'll hold mine too - past Sam/Jess, Sam/Dean, sampreg, miscarriage

If She Had Lived - Jess Lives, Depersonalization-Derealization Disorder, Sam/Jess, Jess/OC

Dangerous Questions - Aplatonic Dean, Dean/Cassie

Sissy - closeted trans woman!Dean/John (part 1)

Sister - Sam finds out about trans woman!Dean (part 2)

Subsist - Vignettes between Sam and closeted trans woman!Dean (part 3)

Insisted - Bobby finds out about trans woman!Dean (part 4)

Drink to Forget - AU where Sam dies in Carry On instead of Dean

I remember when your head caught flame - Sam/John, underage, first kiss

If He Asked - one-sided destiel, established wincest

You can pin and mount me like a butterfly - dean/john, smut, castration

Like in the movies - aromantic Dean, very underage Dean/John

But they were fucked up in their turn - closeted trans woman!Dean & closeted trans woman!John

Take My Body - trans man!Sam/John

A disfiguring chicken pox of the soul - weirdcest, weecest, trans boy!Sam/trans girl!Dean (not that either knows it yet)

like the baptism he never had - Sam/Dean, necrophilia, piss (All Hell Breaks Loose)

Silver Linings - Sam/Dean, necrophilia, piss (yes, again. But this time it's Mystery Spot)

Like Flies from your Face - Dean & Bobby, suicidal!Dean (All Hell Breaks Loose)

Tonight I give in to the fantasy - Trans woman!Dean, sex worker!Dean

No other box I choose to use - humanfucker!Gabriel (Hammer of the Gods)

I'll use you as a warning sign - Sam/John, Dean/John, unplanned pregnancy

Hobbies - Dean & Bobby (& Sam), Dean's love of hentai

the road is so long - one-sided John/Dean, pining Dean, Christmas

Webweaves:

Sober II/samjohn

An Overdue Downfall/Sam

The Sonnet-Ballad/deanjohn

Drowning in the Sound/John

Slip Slidin' Away/Sam and John

Anything/Johndean and Johnmary

Alone With Everybody

I Haven't Masturbated in Five Days for Fear of Crying/wincest

Archive/samruby

Ophelia/wincest

Z-E-P-H-Y-R/Sam and Dean (and the Impala)

Big Houses/wincest

And Saints/John and Mary

The Cigarette Duet/wincest

What Makes a Man?/deanjohn

Rent/wincest

The Moon Will Sing/John and Dean

less words/wincest

Bike/wincest

Big Houses/Dean

San Cristóbal/Sam

Young and Dumb/Sam (implied wincest)

Father/deanjohn

I use mostly my own screenshots for weaves, so if you ever want one for your own thing, just ask and I'll send you the original!

All the posts about my pet headcanon are tagged "#schizophrenic sam winchester." Creative, I know. The occasional solely schizophrenia related posts are tagged "#schizospec education." Queue tag is #hallqueuecinations and oh boy do I have way too much stuff queued. I do tag ships so you can filter them out if you want to, but like... I am a johndean and wincest person. If you really don't want to see that, you should just leave.

I am watching SPN for the first time and am currently on episode S6 E5. Maybe. I do forget to update this number a lot. Don't worry about spoiling me. Trust me, I've already been all over SPN tumblr. And yes, I am already headcanoning Sam as schizophrenic despite having not yet gotten to the part where he actually hallucinates. Pretty early on, I'd seen enough from the fandom to know that Sam was going to give me ~feelings~ as a schizophrenic, but Home was what sold me on it. The way he responds to the vision is exactly like my experience of delusions. It's like having blinders on. You can't think about anything else and you need to figure it all out and fix it right this minute. It's urgent and obsessive in the same way Sam was. His body language, too, was just perfect, down to just what he did with his hands. I look at Sam, especially Sam getting visions, and I see myself. So. Sam Winchester is schizophrenic. Not in some "Sam hallucinated the entire show" way (God I hate those theories) or that none of the supernatural stuff is real. Everything we see is real, but Sam's brain also pulls some shit of its own.

A very important note, given the name of my blog: schizo is a slur. I reclaim it a lot. I was diagnosed by people who want to change the definition of schizophrenia, and so for a long time, I was explicitly told not to call myself schizophrenic. That's bullshit. My symptoms aren't quite traditional, and I am at the more mild end, but as per the current DSM? I'm schizophrenic. But because for a long time I got told "you're schizo-spec, but not schizophrenic," the word I associate myself with more than anything is schizo. I try to actually write out schizophrenic when I'm on this account, but in real life, I usually don't. But if you are not anywhere on the schizophrenia spectrum, you should not say it (unless you're tagging me). I don't want my handle to give anyone the idea that you can go around calling Sam a schizo. I can. You can't.

My purpose isn't directly to educate about schizophrenia, but I know that the general cultural perception of it misses a lot, so just by shouting about how I headcanon Sam as schizophrenic, I will accidentally teach you all things. In light of that, there will be the occasional reblog of not at all SPN related awareness posts, and my asks are always open. You all have my permission to ask rude and personal questions about it that you should not ask strangers. Schizophrenia is basically a special interest of mine at this point. I am very open about stuff, not so much because of desire to educate or what have you but just because part of my schizophrenia is having very little filter. I will say that if you ask me about the delusions I've had, you're going to get an incomplete answer because going into them too much can be triggering. Everything else is on the table, though.

My banner is from this webweave (which I made).

And once again, I am very much johndean trash, with a strong love for samjohn. I do certainly partake in my fair share of wincest as well, but really, I'm here for The Dad Ships. Point is, this blog is very much not an incest-free zone. I'd say that I'm sorry, but I'm not. You're watching The Incest Show. What do you expect? If you do not like that, block me now and move on.

Fun fact: my birthday is November 5. No wonder I eventually broke down and decided I needed to see what SPN actually was.

[magpies-gold]

I may have finally unlocked the thing what turns my unhealthy overproductive causes-me-burnout creativity into enjoyable creativity - and it's called working off of vibes.

In the past I've tried just taking breaks from being creative, but that never works. Doing things other than being creative just feels like I've put myself in time out from the thing I actually like doing. Ultimately, I want to be creative. I love making art! I love writing stories! I genuinely get life from being my artistic self like.... all the heckin' time. It's all I genuinely want to do is make stuff. What I don't get life from is making it a grind. Working to rigid schedules, focusing on daily goals and - oh my lord, I despise the push to monetize it. I'm leaning hard away from that these days, and I'm not sure how far I'll ultimately take my aversion to pursuing profit from my creative ventures. It doesn't make me significantly happier to make money off of it (even though sometimes it's necessary, like when disaster strikes and I don't readily have four digits in the bank account to fix whatever's exploded), especially when making money comes with added stress from things like figuring out the taxes on what I've made, and the horrors of the perpetual chase to make more money. The emotional balance trends towards the negative and I'm over it. So I'm attempting a vibes-based approach - doing things when it's good for me to, and in a way that is fun. Some of it's a bit of concerted de-programming: for example, my webcomic is a source of truly bad habits for no good reason. It exists only on my Patreon, and it is exceptionally obscure and always was. There is very little point in wearing myself out trying to pour twenty hours a week into a new page every single week just because one is supposed to stick to a schedule, but over the last decade or so I programmed myself very well to do just that. Getting out of that rut so that I can have a healthy relationship with it again is a fight, but I'm winning. I want to chase the short term happy of getting a new page queued up every Monday, but instead I'm refusing to do so. If the page is done, I queue it up a few days late. And then the next week a few days later than that. Always a different number of days, pushing it out of sync so that I can't fall back into routine and neither can my handful of readers. I did not ever promise them a schedule. A schedule is bad for me. Result? I (mostly) drew three pages this weekend and enjoyed it. They're not done, but I made a heck of a dent and didn't feel gross about it. I'll finish them over the course of the next week or so, in bits and pieces rather than forcing myself to sit still for hours at a time until the page is done. I should be stopping when I'm done. I'm also way happier with the art I'm making. I'm still churning it out quick, but the lack of self-imposed deadlines means that I can have fun with it. I'm doing similar things with my writing. It's nice when I can keep Alpha Base moving forward, but for the last while I've been muddling around in different directions than forward and it's actually getting the creative wheels spinning in my head better than the methodical one-step-in-front-of-the-other approach. If I have a hankering to jump elsewhere in the plot and write a scene, I do. If I need to explore an aspect of a character that technically falls into a prequel (because dang it, I'm starting to develop prequel material) then I go for that. If writing a drabble that might not even land in the book, or any of the book(s), is what I need, then I'm doing that, and it doesn't matter if I'm "ready" to or "there yet" - I'm just doing it. Vibes. It's all worthwhile.  Hell, I spent most of the weekend writing a purely fluff scene (me! writing fluff!) between two of my antagonists and I think that was one of the best ways to spend a weekend. I feel damn good about it and learned a ton about them both. I think I even know where in the book to put it, and I sure didn't when I started writing. Didn't know that would happen! Life's too short to spend turning everything into a dang job.  I just want to play. So to hell with it. We play.

[sees-ghosts]

tiny tag dump. 

(look at me trying to be organized lol)

[joannahunts-a]

Tag dump. Finally getting all fancy like the cool kids.

[alientoastt]

tagged by @totopopopo :D

why did you chose your url? - it was my instagram username since like. 2017 or 2018? when cartoony alien prints were on everything. and i like toast. specifically avocado toast! but i settle for plain with butter

any side blogs? - yeah! @veomucho aesthetic blog @jonnyvangelis fic blog (canon url my beloved) and @marius-von-raum gaming blog. @lot27 is like my. for-later bin? its an untagged wastescape. every time i mention it someone follows it. you dont have to follow it

how long have you been on tumblr? - too long. i had to check my archive for this but. since feb 2017. its been four years

do you have a queue tag? - nahh. i have like one post queued for a tumblr holiday but its untagged

why did you start your blog in the first place? - a bitch could only handle instagram text post screenshots for so long 😔😔

why did you chose your icon? - this is the most gender tim i've drawn. im bi. im genderfluid. i contain too much gender

why did you chose your header? - oh i never get to talk about this!! thats my dnd character skunk (the one with the skunk hair) and his husband duke! drawn over that one pic of punks sleeping on the tube. the full one is here, along with a bonus smooch :D peep the mechs tshirt

what’s your post with the most notes? - these two fucking pictures of my grandma's cat tonto. which is fair because hes very sweet and i love him dearly but 33,899 notes is a lil bit exhausting (post is here)

how many mutuals do you have? - yall keep fucking track? probably more than i think and fewer than other people think

how many followers do you have? - 1,489!

how many people are you following? - 326 but i think like half of those havent posted since 2018

have you ever made a shitpost? - no man is innocent. of course

how often do you use tumblr each day? - this is the only fucking website i put my art on anymore and i am fond of the people here so. a lot?

did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? - statistically yes but i don't remember what it was and i block VERY liberally. does the gravy argument that made me follow ruth count

how do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts? - hell for my anxiety and guarenteed to keep me from reblogging it. theres a reason i tag "rb bait" even in joke posts

do you like tag games? - yes i LOVE talking about myself

do you like ask games? - see above :D

which of your tumblr mutuals do you think is famous - its @peitalo the boyfriend of my darling boyfriends, my sweet friend peebert, finder of members only jackets and who i love so dearly

do you have a crush on a mutual? - im dating @trashymayhem and @raycowboyroy does that count

tagging. whoever wants to do this i still have to finish breakfast and id rather do that than tag