#reach tags out of the way: im a lil salty lmao

[starstruckvega]

Shoutout to AuDHD kids who were told to just "be who you are" but then when you were, you got told "no not like that".

[danniburgh]

Rushingly Bittersweet (Javier Peña x f!reader) part 17

Pairing: Javier Peña x ofc//f!reader with name.

Summary: After the fall of Escobar everything starts happening way too fast for Javier; his raise, his new office, his new team, the Cali cartel’s operation, the sudden arrival of a new agent that was transferred to his team for no apparent reason, the way he was falling in love with her almost unintentionally.

And he couldn’t seem to stop any of that.

Word count: +4.4k

Chapter warnings: mentions of captivity, oral sex (m receiving) more fucking feels i know, soft javi deserves a warning, the apparition of Señor Berna lmao

A/N: This chapter is set in season three, episode eight. // again, some plotshit, a lil more action, flor being a snarky beech lmao... oh guys, im so happy were here, im sorry for the angst

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gif: @josepedropascal​

You breathed in and out a few times before walking to his office, trying to eat back your tears and put on a smiling face as he was staring at you. He tilted his head when you entered the office and you gulped and buried your feelings inside you again, not wanting to dive into them just yet.

“How’d it go?” you asked Javier, sitting in front of him across his desk. You saw his brow furrow at the question and his reaction made you bite your lip, he pushed his cigarette on the small ashtray to turn it off before answering.

“She’s in the jungle,” he muttered at you and your heart dropped a few feet below the floor, “the cartel basically handed her to the fucking FARC,”

“What the fuck!?” your voice raised and your brain started spiraling down further. 

The woman that you had heard trying to convince her husband to drop everything he had been doing for the cartel and practically begged him to not leave her alone was in the worst possible place you could imagine for someone like her. 

Javier looked at you, and once again he desired he had your sharp ability to read people, just to try to know without asking what you were thinking. The truth was that you were relating to her in more than one way. She reminded you of yourself at some point before all the shit you had seen and done ultimately turned you into another person and you didn’t like it. You wanted her to get away unscratched because in your eyes she didn’t deserve it. You knew she didn’t. Even if she knew what she was doing when she got married, even if she knew what she was getting herself into.

Christina Jurado reminded you of yourself and you didn’t like it because it made the whole thing way too personal. And for you, it wasn’t worth it. And if you looked at it from the outside. It was even worse.

“What did Berna say?” you asked again, trying to brush off all the negative feelings that were bubbling in your chest.

“That he knows how to get her back,” his voice was low and his face quirked in frustration, you let your hand reach his over the cluttered desk and he took it “he’s gonna take me there,”

“Javi,” you let out in a whisper, he knew what you were about to say and he shook his head, “please,”

“You’re not going, baby,” you tightened the grip on his hand and pleaded with your eyes, he knew you, he knew you could help, he knew you would be fantastic at it, but he wasn’t about taking the woman he… you to a place like that, it wasn’t a matter of ability or capacity. It was a matter of him wanting you to be safe. He just couldn’t risk you.

Taking the risk was worthy for him, in some way he blamed himself for Christina’s capture, he did because he was the one that had contacted in the first place, he had flirted with her and convinced her to tell her husband to cooperate with the agency and he blamed himself because he had exposed her in a city that wasn’t kind to anybody in a country she didn’t know in a position she hadn’t anything to gain from. 

So for him, it was an easy call.

But for you? he couldn’t risk you. You who were doing everything he asked you to, you, who helped, you, who worried and cared, you who he knew would put her own life on the line if that’s what it would take to bring a woman home. It was a given no.

“How much is gonna cost us?” your voice was still low and Javier let his mouth curve into a tight-lipped, sad, resigned smile, you were about the only person who could ask something like that in plural and as much as he dreaded giving you the answer, he found it endearing. You, who helped. You, who worried and cared. You, selfless and giving.

“He wants a heads up,” Javier explained, moving his gaze to your entangled hands, “to know when we start looking for him,” his thumb started stroking your skin slowly.

“Mhm,” you hummed. 

Javier lost himself in the moment, just letting the silence drop and the implication of the conversation linger between you both while you held hands. His touch was soft on your skin despite the roughness of his, his hand wrapped yours almost entirely and the way his thumb brushed softly against the back of your hand made you remember the way his hands felt on your skin earlier as he made love to you.

He really didn’t deserve what you were doing to him. He was clueless to how much of a monster you were.

The thought of just word vomit everything to him and then beg for his forgiveness crossed your mind not once but twice. But you couldn’t just do it, you needed more, more for him to know why you were doing it and how you were trying to fix it, more for him to understand your motives so he could at least not hate you, more for you to know it was safe for him to know. So you didn’t. Instead, you gave into another thought of yours that resurfaced as you looked at him again; all tensed up and frustrated.

“C’mon,” you stood up from the chair and tugged at his hand, Javier looked at you confused and you tugged again to make him stand up and walk around his desk as you guided him to the loveseat in his office.

Your hand left his, and you cupped his face softly, he instantly knew what you wanted and leaned to let you trap his lips in yours, knowing you had all the freedom to do it as you were the only two people in the office at such late hours. 

The kiss was soft and slow, his hands settled on your waist and his tongue slid through your lower lip and you opened up to him, letting him explore once more your mouth as he pleased, your hands glided from the sides of his face to his chest and you pushed him softly, breaking the kiss and forcing him to sit down.

Saying nothing else, you kneeled in front of him and his eyes shot up.

“What are you doing?” he muttered in both surprise and precaution.

“I’m gonna pray,” you teased, making him roll his eyes, you put your hands on his thighs “I’m gonna suck you off, Javi,” you said as low as you could and saw him take a shivering breath “you’re really stressed and I think you deserve it,”

Javier was a determined, resolute man; in the short time you’d known him he never was the one without something to say, he always had to give the last word. But there, with you, kneeling in front of him, with your hands softly roaming through his thighs, he was at a loss for words.

“Okay,” he just mumbled, you nodded once and your hands moved to his belt, unbuckling it slowly “I don’t know what I did to have you like this in here of all places, but I might do it again,” he rambled under his breath when you unbuttoned his dress pants, his cock already semi hard, you smiled at him.

“I told you, I think you deserve it,” his hand found your cheek as you slid down the zipper and his eyes drank you in entirely. You loved him, deeply, and you wanted to show him how much, at least in the only way you could allow yourself to “tell me what you’re thinking,” you whispered as your hands slowly opened the fly.

“I’m thinking…” he saw you play with the waistband of his briefs and his mouth dried, his cock now fully awake and attentive “that this is something I’ve thought for quite a while, actually,” you smiled and pulled the elastic down, freeing his erection.

“Really?” your voice was as low and deep as you knew his was getting, your mouth watered at the sight of his hard length and the bead of precum that adorned the head already looked really enticing.

“Uh, yeah,” his breath hitched when you grabbed his shaft and your thumb spread the precum around his expecting head.

“And what did you think about?” you teased as you licked your lips and leaned down to lick the tip, savouring the tangy, salty taste of him, he bucked his lips slightly and you moved your wrist up and down, twisting in the middle.

“I imagined you coming into my office in–ah–that little dress suit of yours,” he blurted, closing his eyes as you licked the underside of his cock, your feet were numbing so you shifted around to help the feeling, “remember? the o–one you were wearing whe–when you arrived?” you nodded on his cock, making him moan softly.

“Yes, the way you looked at me that time still burns,” you replied and took the tip around your lips, letting the saliva inside warm him up, your hand still working his shaft as your spit slipped out of your mouth and slowly dripped through his soft skin.

“You noticed?” he asked, surprised, looking at you, you smiled with him inside your mouth and he bucked his hips again as you pulled him out softly.

“I still don’t know if you wanted to kill me or fuck me,” you mumbled, leaning again to curl your tongue on his leaking head, he left out a hitched chuckle.

“Shit, I don’t either,” he closed his eyes again and his head fell backwards, hitting the backrest as you took him inside your mouth again, pushing your head as far as you could, “then I would slide that skirt up just enough to bend you over my desk an–and take you until we both for–forgot our names,” he rambled and the image made you aware of how wet you were getting, you pulled him out again.

“I would really like that,” you said, gulping, your hand still working on his now spit-covered shaft.

“Or maybe I–I would sit on my desk and make you s–sit on me while I fin–finished work,” one of his hands found your hair and pushed your head softly towards him.

“God, Javi, didn’t know you could be so vocal,” you followed his guide and took him back inside, your hand left his length and you left him push your head, swallowing him almost whole.

“F–fuck, baby,” your eyes started to sting as he stretched open your mouth, your hands found the fabric of his open pants and you fisted it as he found his way into your throat “o–oh shit,” his other hand found yours and gripped it as you close your eyes and breathed through your nose. Some of his precum was leaking into you and the taste made you even wetter. Then, as he moved your head slowly up and down and your eyes filled with tears, everything became too much.

You gagged around him but didn’t pull away; he was making sure to not lose all control as he enjoyed the warmth of your mouth around him, unaware of the tears that started to drip down your cheeks.

“So–so good, my baby, so good,” he rambled as he moved you and your hand tightened the grip on his, you opened your eyes and through your tears you saw him; relaxed beyond words, his face quirked in pleasure, his chest panting up and down as he used you to reach his high “perfecta–m’ baby–s’ good”, he muttered senselessly and your chest turned at the sight and his words, he was such a good man, he was a great fucking man, and you were so fucking sorry.

He had called you perfect and you knew you were the total and complete opposite of that. How could you have done that to a person that thought so highly of you? Even when he thought so lowly of himself.

In that moment, with him in your mouth, whispering soft nothings to the air and you between his legs, both of you as vulnerable as you could be in that position, in that place where everything had started out of nowhere, you realized how much you regretted everything. Your chest sank and you sobbed, it disguised itself as a gag and more tears escaped your eyes, he didn’t deserve it.

You thought of yourself as something close to a monster, no different from those you had sworn to chase. You had become what you wanted to kill; cruel, selfish, deceitful, and the realization that the only thing that would come out of all that was deep sadness and desolation bathed you like a bucket of freezing ice water. And he didn’t deserve any of it.

Because Javier was such a good man. And you weren't good at all. And that made you decide yours and his fate, right there in his office in the middle of the night and then, as he panted above you, fisted your hair and came inside your throat. You were gonna tell him everything. It wasn’t anymore a question of if you were going to do it. It was a given. Now the question was when.

Javier opened his hooded eyes as you swallowed his orgasm and brushed your tears away, he smiled at you hazily and you smiled back.

“Thank you,”

The next morning you walked out of your apartment in comfortable silence. 

The night before, you had driven you both to your place. Javier had noticed almost immediately after the deep-throat you had given him that something inside you was off, but he didn’t ask you, instead, when you entered your apartment, he helped you out of your clothes and laid next to you. You knew he wasn’t much of a cuddler, but he just knew you needed it, so he held you tightly inside around arms almost the entire night, determined to provide you some comfort as you had done the same for him before.

You reached your building’s parking lot and he turned his head to both sides to make sure you were alone.

“You okay?” he asked, stepping closer to you and reaching for your waist, your hands settled around his neck and you nodded.

“Are you gonna be gone all day?” your voice was thin and he noticed the worried tone of it, he was about to meet with Berna, as he had planned, to get Christina back, and you dreaded the whole plan, he had to get inside the thick colombian jungle along dangerous people and you had to stay behind, just waiting for something to happen. One of his hands moved to cup your face and he brushed his thumb on your cheek.

“Probably,” Javier replied, leaning in to brush his lips against you.

“Please, be careful,” you pleaded in a whisper, he kissed you softly, you moved your hands to his nape and brought him closer to you. You shut your eyes tightly as he parted his lips to let you inside his mouth and gave him all your wordless love, you stopped the kiss and opened your eyes, Javier’s chest sunk when he saw your eyes glisten with unshed tears “don’t come back without her,” you whispered “but please come back,”

Javier nodded once and kissed you again, trying again to give you some comfort in the only way he knew how.

He broke the kiss reluctantly and pulled away from your body so you could get into your car and drive to work. As you turned on the car’s ignition you gave him a last look and he gave you a nod, knowing exactly what your eyes were telling but your mouth couldn’t say. And you breathed in to fill your lungs and to begin your day of pretending you weren’t as worried as you really were while the man you just acknowledged to yourself you loved, spent his day on a rescue mission that could go wrong in a thousand different ways.

The day in office went by ridiculously slowly, the minutes felt like days and the hours felt like weeks and you couldn’t get to focus on one single thing, so you stood up from your desk and decided it was then time to start trying to gather as much information as you could to show Javier when you told him the truth. You knew with him you needed something close to a defense, even though you weren’t exactly sure how he was going to react. 

The whole thing was a mess, but no one could blame you for trying at least to get him to understand you. 

You opened the bottom drawer of your desk, the one that double functioned as both a filing cabinet and a safe place to hide stuff you didn’t want anyone to find, and pulled out two manila folders you had shoved in there the first time you went to Stechner’s office and learned he was nothing but a venomous, selfish snake.

With a quick pace you walked towards the records room and closed the door behind you, you stepped to the old copy machine that was put in there when it was replaced by the newer, techier machine that now had its place in the middle of the office. You started shuffling the papers that you had shoved into the folders to try to organize them and began photocopying them, making sure the ones deemed more important went into the machine first.

You didn’t hear the door opening behind you, your mind wandering between the pages you had in your hands and the ones printing, trying to order them.

“Martín,” a soft voice called out behind you, and startled you. Your hands made quick work of turning the pages upside down and shoving the rest into the folders as you turned around.

“Hey,” you tried to relax your body when you saw the brunette agent hesitantly walking closer to you, your breath calmed “I’m sorry, I don’t know your name,” you said apologetically and she gave you half a smile.

“Call me Charles,” her voice hardened on its own and you nodded.

“So…” you gave her an expectant look, she had walked in because of you, it was obvious. She moved her hands and put her into her pockets, you tilted your head, reading her doubt and anxiety.

“Are you fucking him?” she muttered, deepening her gaze into yours. You frowned.

“What?”

“Peña, are you fucking him?” her voice hardened as she stood up straight. Your mouth fell open at her question. She was a contradiction in herself. You knew how she had been looking at you and Javier, and, as Feistl did, it wasn’t a surprise other people would see, but she was confronting you about it, as if you or Javier owed her something. An explanation, a justification of something she had formed inside her head. 

You, in your railed state of mind, as you prayed to a god you didn’t believe in that she wouldn’t dare to look over your shoulder at the pages you were trying to keep away from her eyes, admired her audacity, at the same time this audacity exasperated you.

“You kiddin’, right?” you asked her, trying to lighten your voice, she just raised an eyebrow at you and huffed.

“You come and go in and out of the office with him all the time!” she rambled as if it was all you needed to actually answer her question “you think I haven’t noticed how you look at him? or how he looks at you?” when she said the last word, her face quirk in something close to disgust and you bit your lower lip, preventing a chuckle to come out of your mouth.

“Oh god, you’re really asking,” you mouthed, she finally dropped her gaze to your feet. “why?” the question visibly took her by surprise, her arms moved and she crossed them on her chest. Of course she did.

“I made the first question,” she tried to regain the small amount of confidence she had entered the room with while you took control of the entire situation. You sighed loudly, for your body to relax and for her to know you were already tired of whatever that was.

“And I don’t have to answer it,” you shrugged, “why are you so eager to know, agent Charles?” you questioned, softening your voice. She took her time not saying a word, you really wanted to know what was going inside her head, and the temptation of just focusing on her silence and her body language was growing within you by the second.

But you had things to do and issues to worry about, so when she sighed you mimicked her and turned around to gather all the pages and simply walk out.

“My sexual life is none of your business, agent Charles,” you muttered, stepping away from the copy machine “and if you’re asking because you wanna know if agent Peña is available, well then go ask him whenever he comes back,” she snapped her head to look at you at the mention of Javier, and you had to chew on the inside of your cheek to keep from smirking “maybe he’ll say yes, what do I know?” you said under your breath when you opened the door and walked out, leaving her standing in the middle of the room while your brain returned to its previous mode of planning and thinking a way to stay afloat.

You checked your wristwatch as you sat back on your desk, your mind traveling hundreds of miles away, wondering if Javier was okay.

Javier had been in one camp like that just weeks before and had already forgotten how fucking hot everything was in there.

The heat was scorching and wet, he swiped the back of his hand on his forehead again and dried it on the fabric of the cargo pants he was wearing, hoping for one single current of air that could relieve him from the suffocating feeling in his chest caused both by the heat and the fact that he really didn’t want to be there.

Javier was putting on a bulletproof vest that didn’t quite fit him, with the eyes of Berna glued to him and his actions, watching him get ready and checking once again the barrel of his gun. Javier was loathing the man’s stare.

“Y, ¿al fin supiste algo de Judy?” (You ever heard anything from Judy?) Berna asked, Javier saw him play with a dagger while his heavy stare rested on him.

“No desde que la vendiste,” (Not since you sold her out) he muttered, Berna chuckled humorlessly.

“Quién iba a pensar, Javier, ahora los dos somos jefes,” (Who would’ve thought, Javier, now both of us, bosses) Javier hid the roll of his eyes as the man compared taking advantage of Escobar’s death to climb a stepless ladder inside the cartel with being practically forcefully promoted “y, ¿si te dieron un apartamento bueno ahí en Bogotá?” (and did they give you a nice place in Bogotá?) he asked him, Javier brushed his bottom lip with his thumb as he looked back at Berna.

“‘Ta bueno,” (It’s good) Javier replied, not giving too much of a crap about the reason for his question. Not wanting to think anything of it… Not really wanting to tell him he was living in the same one.

“Deberías conocer mi casa,” (you should see my house) Berna said with a chuckle “yo cago cada día de la semana en un baño diferente, a mi esposa eso le encanta.” (I can take a shit in a different bathroom every day of the week, my wife loves it) Javier huffed and narrowed his eyes.

“¿Su esposa?” (your wife?)

“Yo soy un hombre de familia,” (I’m a family man) he shrugged, Javier wanted to laugh at the statement but he didn’t, knowing he wasn’t really in the position to “y vos ¿qué? ¿seguís con la misma novia? la maleta,” (and you what? you still with the same girlfriend, the suitcase?)

Javier didn’t answer the last question. After it his mind immediately went to one single thing, ignoring whatever else Berna had said to him. Javier walked out of the small hut he got ready in and stepped on the soft, humid, jungle floor, swiped off the sweat of his forehead again and thought of you. It shook him. He was in the middle of a rescue mission for a really important piece of the case he was building to dismantle a whole cartel and when an old ally, another narco, asked him about his love life… his mind took him to you.

It was funny for him, somewhat, that his mind pictured you when someone mentioned the words novia, or esposa, because for a long time he actually thought he would never have something, someone that could be the parallel to that in his life.

And the realization that his brain correlated the idea of you with the idea of… that, for the first time in his life, didn’t scare the shit out of him.

It was late, you were tired of checking the clock and your watch and not seeing the handles moving forward. You hated feeling like time was still, and you hated not knowing what the hell was going on.

You had spent some hours busy with copying and collecting some more documents and then tried to write some reports, but you were extremely anxious and so desperate because no one knew what was going on and you were dreading the outcome of all of that.

Stoddard was watching you pace between the desks, handing you cigarettes while you tried to find relaxation by chain smoking. Feistl and was sitting on his desk typing his nerves away when a phone rang. Feistl’s phone.

You turned to watch him answer it and say one word, turning to look back at you, he listened for two seconds and then he hung up.

“He has her.” he said.

You felt your soul come back to your body and for the first time since the last kiss you gave him in the parking lot of your building, forcing yourself to separate from him, you could fill your lungs with fresh air that smelled like relief.

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