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yeats-infection · 5 years

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if you have time & you don't mind, i'd love to read an explanation of graham coxon & damon albarn's relationship like the one you wrote on bradford & lockett a while ago ... started listening to blur from your reblogs & i love their music, but i don't know much about their relationship or the band in general or really any of the context surrounding their songs. all your tags have me so INTRIGUED. don't worry if this is a big ask; & i hope the new yr is treating you well!

thank you for asking anon. i hope i can do this medium justice. i could say many of the same things i said in my deerhunter post! their partnership and friendship is the core of the band and is why they are the band they are and why they’re so good! they are proof that friendship is the most powerful force in the world!

putting this behind a cut because i got carried away. this also became a primer on Why I Love Blur and Why I Think They Are Special. but i feel like this isn’t even the half of how i feel.

something i would do if you have a free day and feel like torturing yourself is read all the blur interviews from the nineties that are scanned and linked here (bless the people who operate this website). the more contemporary ones from after their reunion are usually very charming. the ones from 1999-2002 are invariably Extraordinarily Sad. the ones from 1995-8 are often Borderline Journalistically Irresponsible. and the ones from before 1995 run the gamut from hysterically funny to guaranteed to fill you with extreme concern for the mental health of everybody involved.

here is one of my favorites of those interviews which goes into the story behind every song they had released until 1995. made me appreciate a lot of the leisure demos even more

here they are in an interview in 1994.... why don’t music magazines do a “best friends” issue anymore ( / why are there no music magazines anymore)... this is one of the first interviews i read with them and it picked up a piece of my brain and moved it. there is... so much in here...

this is my other favorite, from 1996... though it is kind of painful to read in many ways and is indicative of an Extremely Bad Time...

the Long Story Short (ish): they were childhood friends and started playing music together before they were teenagers, damon moved to london to be with graham who was at art school, they started the band which became blur with alex and dave. they started off sounding like the stone roses’ “fools gold” because that was the Sound of the Moment. they then pivoted their entire sound and vibe for almost every album. it is the constant pivoting i think that makes them such a mind-boggling band to me. it’s amazing when any artist reinvents their sound and tries something new because it is such an incredibly risky thing to do. it’s basically unimaginable to me that they did this multiple times in incredibly severe degrees as one of the biggest pop bands in the world whose sound was already kind of a weirdo outlier. and they did much of the pivoting so that they wouldn’t be pigeonholed, and so they could stay true to themselves and each other. like, WHO in our modern musical atmosphere would go from an album with this song on it to ONE YEAR LATER an album with this song on it?????

ANYWAY:

pivot #1 was to become Violently British in response to disastrously touring america around the explosion of grunge, following which they made modern life is rubbish even as their label told them it would be “artistic suicide”

pivot #2 was when they made parklife and invented britpop. this album was a Big Deal. they literally created an entire genre and scene and vibe to fit what they were doing and then wrecked it.

[ they did not pivot on the great escape which is a much maligned album but which has some truly Great Songs. the first single from this album is “country house” which was the subject of a press-manufactured chart battle with “roll with it” by oasis, which became “the battle of britpop” which in itself is was a kind of proxy standoff about class and the kind of north/south tension i am not qualified to discuss as an american. “country house” made it to #1 and graham showed up extremely distraught at damon’s soccer game to tell him and then later that night at a party tried to jump out a window. they hated being famous and had gotten really tired of making and playing “chirpy songs” when it wasn’t how they were feeling. graham wrote a letter to damon telling him that he wanted to make music “to scare people again.” HENCE: ]

pivot #3 is for the s/t in which you can literally feel the sensation of damon getting into pavement so that graham won’t leave the band. my favorite blur song maybe is “country sad ballad man” which has extreme pavement energy. the guitar under the vocal is insane alchemic perfection. also very meta in that it’s about being a washed up rock star. here’s the dumbest and most charming video from this album.

pivot #4 is to truly cosmic territory in the form of 13. nothing else like this record exists. we all can only aspire to making something like this record. i will disclose that i don’t like “tender,” the first song and single which is in itself a kind of shocking pivot in its emotional nakedness. “1992″ is where it’s at for me... which was a demo from the year 1992 (modern life is rubbish sessions) that they rediscovered and remade... the guitar ascending at 1:50... this album is nominally about damon’s longtime girlfriend leaving him and i think you can catch that lyrically but the push/pull of all the vocal and guitar... it’s all these kind of painful warring duets. they couldn’t work together anymore! they wanted extraordinarily different things which could barely coexist. so damon wrote their second full album of “please don’t leave me” and graham ripped all the songs to shreds. the other night i got teary listening to the instrumental outro, “optigan 1.”

[ i haven’t listened to think tank because graham only plays on one song (which i have listened to, “battery in your leg,” apex of suffering, 45 seconds in, do you ever disintegrate) and because whenever i like a band a lot i can’t bring myself to “finish” their catalog. graham left the band during recording sessions because he had gotten sober and couldn’t fake it anymore. during the many years in which they did not speak, they went to each other’s solo performances to watch each other secretly. ]

now they are friends again! they made the magic whip in 2015, which was another pivot in itself.

the amazing thing i think, to get back to the question you initially asked me which i have totally strayed from, is that damon has the absolute pop magic and graham can’t let it be... he has to make it more difficult and challenging and knotty and loud. they need each other because they challenge each other to be better musicians. the songs when you can really hear the tension are totally electrifying and are their best work. it’s the dynamic between their different visions of what they wanted the band to be, the push-pull and the wrestling, that make it all so interesting to listen to...

and that’s my novel on the subject (for now). i’m tagging @piovascosimo to make sure i got everything... beta is the expert who has been a fan since 2002; you might want to follow her.

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fuck-customers · 6 years

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Hi, Native American Museum gift shop girl here. Need to let a real long one off my chest.

First of all, we've hired new people. One of them cannot work rushes without almost having a mental breakdown. I feel awful for them; I used to be that way too when I started and I wish I could help them but all I can do is remind them to work at their own pace and that if customers get impatient and walk out it's not their fault. Everyone seems to yell at them a lot though, mainly the grumpy elderly customers. Makes me wanna drop kick them because THIS PERSON IS JUST WORKING FOR MONEY NOT TO HAVE ANXIETY ATTACKS EVERY DAMN DAY BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO IMPATIENT TO GET YOUR AUDIO TOUR DEBORAH.

Oh, that's another thing. Damn. Audio. Tours. This is going to be our first summer using them and so far with our busy season picking up and huge ass crowds at the box office, EVERYONE wants a damn audio tour. These things are supposed to automatically update as they go through the museum, but a lot of people report that they "don't work properly" (ie. they probably did something wrong and won't tell us). It doesn't help that I wasn't properly shown how to set them up (I've been shown three different ways by three different people), so now I'm at the point where I set them up as best I can and hand them off and hope people can figure them out from there. But the tours take a minute to get set up, since we have to turn them on and make sure they're the right language. It's fine when one or two people want them, but when you have a line going out the door and literally EVERYONE wants a tour, it gets really annoying. People will talk to the other side of the counter waiting for their audio tour, the people behind them will start yelling how many tickets they want and that they want an audio tour, and the cycle goes on. Thing about these audio tours is that they mostly keep you from doing the reading in the museum, effectively cutting down on the time you're in there.

And then when we have everyone returning their tours at the same time? We have to replace the earcovers on the headphones and its hard to do that when you only have two people in box, trying to keep the line from going out the door, as well as changing earcovers and charging the audio tours so they don't die but then you have the new people asking for the audio tours and it gets to the point where you have maybe one fully charged audio tour and no headphones with clean earcovers on it gets pretty overwhemling. My natural response is to start getting sassy about the audio tours, hoping it'll steer people away from wanting them. Or I'll start telling them I have no fully charged tours but if they still want one they still have to pay full price and hope it doesn't die while they're using it.

Then you have the people who try to get discounts while they're in the middle of paying. We give discounts for military ARP or Three A, but they need to show a card (it takes a dollar off each ticket they buy). Some of my coworkers don't require a card to be shown and will take their words for it, but I recall that I got yelled at for actively asking customers if they had the cards last summer because I was "losing the museum money" and was told to stop asking -- it was the customer's responsibility to either ask or read that we offered the discounts. So I stop mentioning the discounts unless I really want to help a certain customer out. I hate, hate, hate it whenever I'm in the middle of processing their payment and they go "Oh, I have *card that qualifies for discount*!" Which makes me have to cancel the payment and restart the entire thing. Not that big of a deal if it's slow, but when I have a line going out the door that makes other people wait longer, so I'll pull my bitch card and say "It has to be shown at the beginning of the transaction, sorry." And finish the payment process. At one point I even put on the price signs that the cards have to be shown before the transaction begins, and that actually prevented people from doing this, but whoever remade the signs for this month took that off.

So now that I've explained my frustrations I'm sure it'll make it easier to understand why I was about to strangle a bitch yesterday.

Yesterday was Memorial Day. We have a bust and a display honoring a gentleman from our community who sacrificed himself in war. Our museum was to hold a service for him and reveal the new display in our newly renovated room. I had a higher up ask me to come in early to help clean, so I clocked in at 8:20 and wiped down all the glass in the lobby and exhibit. By 9 I was already tired and kinda sweaty, but I was able to calmly straighten and stock in the gift shop a little as people started to come in.

Around 10:40, one of the assistant managers came into the shop and asked for someone to switch with the new employee, who was put in box that day. Apparently they were having so many people our newbie was about to have a breakdown. I reluctantly agreed to switch, because neither manager wanted to go and the other girl I was working with is pregnant and I didn't want her dealing with box office stress (out of the two I think gift shop is less stressful, because customer interaction is shorter and you're not bombarded with as many questions as you are in box. Downside is that you cannot sit in shop unless you have a medical reason to).

I go to the box and I tell the newbie to go to the shop. I help my other coworker (I'ma call her Rey for today) finish the rush she was currently facing. Rey starts talking about how a higher up wanted her to help take photos of the service that afternoon, and she wasn't sure when she was going to take her break. I ended up getting super hungry, so I took my lunch at 11:30 despite the fact that I prefer to take my break at 2:00.

I get back from my break, Rey goes off for her break, and I'm stuck with an onslaught of families to deal with by myself. Again, everyone wants audio tours, everyone tries to get discounts in the middle of transactions or right as I'm about to start processing payments, I have to make sure we have a video playing on loop: it's a lot. People get impatient and walk out, a few came to the side and tried to cut the line by talking to me from there but I ignored them and they stormed off angry. I start to get snippy, but I focus because just rolling as quickly as I can makes the workday go by faster.

The memorial service was set to start at 1:30. About that time I get people asking me where it's going to take place, get phone calls from locals asking where to go, so I'm juggling that on top of everything else. In the middle of rolling along smoothly, people start bringing back their audio tours saying that they died while they were in the middle of their tour. As I'm running low on fully charged tours, all I can do is take them from the customers and ask that they finish their tour without the audio guide (and for a wonder new customers don't ask for the audio tours for like two hours!). People start showing interest in the service, so I'm selling less tickets and directing people to the area where the service is being held.

One lady though, oh, I wanted to smack her with the tape dispenser. She comes up and she goes "So, I heard there was an event going on today?"

I say "Yes ma'am, we have a me-"

"With dancing and singing and all that? So where's this festival? Or pow wow?"

I have to pause and gather myself before I finish "It's a memorial service for *community hero*. The only dance we will be having is a war dance in commemoration of him."

The woman starts pouting, "That's it? No singing and dancing?"

I emphasize again that its a MEMORIAL SERVICE with one traditional dance to honor him. It was not a festival or pow wow. I then direct her to the area where the service was taking place in hopes that she would go and be respectful. She's still pouting as she leaves.

Then, like a miracle, as soon as the service started it was dead for me. I maybe had a group of two come in every twenty minutes or so. Rey was gone for a good two hours, and returns whenever the service ended and the first thing she said was "I only had a thirty minute lunch break." I assume she got roped into helping by the higher up that wanted her to work the service. There was a huge influx of people leaving, maybe a handful went on into the exhibit.

The rest of the afternoon was surprisingly not as busy as the day had been up until the start of the ceremony. And for a wonder our last customer walked out at 5:07, so we weren't too late getting out. So the day ended on a fairly good note. (Got to eat at Haffle Wouse too!) Just hope that not every day over the summer is going to be just like today was.

#submissions #fuck customers #cashier problems #happy ending #submission

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ruleandruinrpg · 7 years

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CONGRATULATIONS, SIDNEY!

You have been accepted for the role of RITA JAKOV. Admin Bree: The competition for Rita was tough, and our attention-loving tailor would smile to know it. But not as much as I smiled while reading your application, Sidney—really, it only got better with every word you wrote. It was your para samples that really sold me above all else, though, the way you portrayed her insecurities, vanity, and constant pursuit of perfection, ever-elusive. It was so intriguing to look inside her pretty little head and see what goes through it every time she looks in the mirror, and where it all began. This application was beautiful, so genuine I felt as though my Rita might jump off the page. Congratulations! You have 24 HOURS to send in your account. Also, remember to look at the CHECKLIST. Welcome to Ravka!

OUT OF CHARACTER ALIAS: Sidney! PREFERRED PRONOUNS: She/her. AGE: Twenty. TIMEZONE & ACTIVITY LEVEL: I’m in EST for the summer! I’ll have a lot of free time this summer since I’m home. I do have a part time job this season, but it is just that: part time! So it really shouldn’t interfere and I’ll certainly be able to check in daily and I’m usually always around to plot. As for when the fall semester starts, I go full time and work part time, but I’m usually pretty good at keeping up with things. I can usually respond to threads within 1-2 days and am usually always lurking lol. On a numerical scale, I’d say 7-9/10 in the summer and 6-8/10 during school semesters!

IN CHARACTER DESIRED CHARACTER: Rita Jakov. Rita - Short form of Margherita. In many languages, it translates literally to pearl, but most notably black pearl in Persian. Antonia - A name of Roman origin given to the women of the Antonius family. Literally translated, it means priceless, praiseworthy and beautiful. Jakov - A family name of many different origins, but most commonly referred to the Hebrew origins supplanter, or “to trip up or overthrow.”

WHAT DREW YOU TO THIS CHARACTER? To be perfectly honest, Rita stole my heart from the moment I read her teaser. But I will admit, I was hesitant back then because there were so many lovely teasers being released and once bios dropped, I was swept away by so many different characters! But I’ve come to the conclusion that I was wrong to be apprehensive! She’s everything I could have wanted in a Grisha character. And there’s already so much development in her past that I’m really excited where the current events in the plot will take her! What stood out for me most was this quote: “—the type of woman who was loved by all who knew her but understood by none.” I’m not sure if I see a little of myself within Rita or if I’m simply one of the many who love her, but I want to explore her nonetheless. She’s soft and kind and gentle underneath it all—which is deeply rooted in her home life and the way she was raised—but her time at the Little Palace and around fellow Grisha has really shaped and molded the tough exterior she now sports.

A walking puzzle, doe-eyed and hopeful, she entered the Small Science late to the game, picked from the bunch last and she’d been treated as such. But it didn’t take her long to find her footing, to live greedily, to choose beauty above all else. And I think that’s what I find so interesting about her! Most characters who want to paint the world in watercolors, who want to remove all of the Earth’s blemishes, have a selfless ambition. They have a mission and it is to make the world a better place for everyone, but that simply is not Rita. She’s been spoiled rotten by her own abilities and so have those who dare to cover up their indiscretions with the flick of her wrist or the tug of her finger. And though some may call her obsessive, or shallow, or downright empty and see those qualities as a sign of weakness, I see it all as unprecedented and true strength. Even after years of trying desperately to offset and ultimately fix such savagery, with her delicate hands capable of contorting even the ugliest of beasts into magnificent beings (in other words, putting a mere bandaid onto a gunshot wound), the world has revealed itself for what it really is, ugly and wrought with pain. But if her time at the Little Palace has taught her anything, it is that the beauty she so wishes could cure disease and heal the wounded can corrupt just as wholly as darkness can.

There’s something so appealing to me about her. She’s a gentle soul with an affinity for the finer things in life, from what she reads to what she wears, and most importantly, how she looks. But waging a war against all things odious and vile and egregious, and claiming her cause as righteous one has left her disappointed, hollow, rotten. Perhaps it is time for her to embrace these monsters and this darkness; time for her to find the beauty in the pain and the elegance in destruction.

WHAT FUTURE PLOT IDEAS DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? ONE: Nothing gold can stay. It has taken Rita years to understand that beauty is temporary. It is a quick fix, a vain indulgence to cover up what truly lies beneath: rot. She was not raised to believe this; in fact, she was raised to be that quick fix, that vain indulgence. She was meant to be admired, but never really touched for all things lovely and charming seem to be the most vulnerable; they seem to bruise as easily as does a peach. And so she remained unattainable, just out of reach. Not out of fear, but necessity. Beauty is temporary, this she’s learned. But to those around her, it is demanded. I really love this quote from her bio: “monsters so love to be made to look as though they’re anything but.” It really resonates with me and gives me lots of thoughts on Rita as a person. I don’t want to change her; I love her the way she is: magnificent and dangerous with beauty literally resting at her fingertips, ready to be put to use, but she’s grown so much and not all for the better. In a way, I think she attributes a lot of the cruelty and pain she’s come to witness as her fault because what she offers does not last. It is almost as if she herself has become a drug, one she is not only addicted to (of which she will most likely never recover), but especially to those she’s tweaked and toned and tailored. And it is that very reason that I believe she’ll struggle with continuing on as this so-called magic wand of Ravka. They demand she erase their deformities away, but monstrousness always has a way of creeping back in even bigger and badder than before. So I’d love to explore the inner turmoil she will inevitably have. Simply put, all she’s ever wanted was to beautify all the ugliness she’s seen, only to discover beauty, something she can control, offer, and give willingly, can corrupt even the purest of things. And perhaps, it is time she take a good look in the mirror. Does she still see the same little girl who turned a village into a kingdom? Can she even recognize the face staring back at her? And more importantly, I want to find out what it means if the answers are no.

TWO: Superficial, at best. Shallow, vapid, vain—she has been called it all, and much, much worse. Hatred follows around the conventionally beautiful like a lion stalks a gazelle, strategically and thirsty for blood. Rita has always prided herself on her looks, that much is clear. Even before she left her home to join the Second Army, she saw beauty wherever she went. Whether it was pure imagination or wishful thinking, it did not stop her from charming elegance out of everyone and everything around her. Don’t you want to be beautiful? A young Rita would ask and the adults would laugh, tossing their heads back in admiration for the wildly imaginative Jakov girl, with long golden hair and perfectly sun-kissed cheeks. I would love to explore what lies underneath. There are so many layers to a girl like her, each one more complex than the rest, but she’s changed herself so much over the years, claiming each adjustment—each nip here, each tuck there—was done in the name is seeking absolute perfection. And she found it for a time. She became so achingly attractive, so superbly beautiful people almost feared her. They gazed at her from afar with a look one can only describe as wonder. And maybe that’s why she turned her efforts outward instead of in, choosing to perfect those around her as best she could. She’ll claim it was selfless, but a part of me wonders if she only did that so she’d be surrounded by beauty as well. But what are her true motivations? Does she even have any? Or are all her desires, her wants, her needs really that hollow? Some say beauty is skin deep and what matters is on the inside, but Rita has tweaked and remade and even created her skin more times than she can count, over and over, and each time is somehow more beautiful than the last. But what if that’s all she is? What if that is all she’s good for? As her bio states, she’s never fought in a real fight, never wielded a real weapon. I want to see her amount to more than just outer appearances. I want to know what’s underneath it all because, if one day, she is called to fight and she isn’t prepared, her treasured beauty will be the first thing to suffer. So I’d love to explore her maybe getting more physically strong, and learning a little about beauty as a strength within.

THREE: A lonely person. I hate to be that person who keeps going back and quoting the bio, but I can’t resist! “She became so beautiful it hurt.” This sentence alone, if it were all I had to describe Rita, I think it does it perfectly. If you throw away all the cliches—most notably: beauty is pain—and you focus on the meaning behind it, I think you’ll find Rita Jakov. I see her as a strike of lightning, wondrous and loud and capable of decimation. People look to her and gape; they stare; they lust after her; they long to have her, to own her, to be her. But for all the effort she puts into making other people happier with themselves, she cannot find happiness within. It is a lonely road, this one she’s walking down. It may be beautiful and pristine and lathered in honey and sweet-little-nothings from passersby, but at the end of the day, she is still alone. The moments she relishes, the ones she wishes would last an eternity are inevitably fleeting. So I would love to explore her desire for friendship, love, etc., wherever it may be found. And furthermore, I think her desire to find love, to be loved could be preyed upon, if you think about it. Rita has never been desperate; everything has come easily to her simply because of the advantages the conventionally attractive receive, but I believe she is the perfect candidate for some hardcore manipulation. She could easily get swept away in the affection from a person, believing it to be true. Deep down, I think she hopes for all the glances and stares to mean that people truly love her, but there’s such a monumental difference between love and adoration. The latter has kept her fed for so long now; for years she took praise and pocketed it. She held it close and revisited it any time the decay began to creep in. Perhaps it kept her sane, perhaps it is what drove her mad. But either way, it is all she can see now—in everywhere she looks, in everyone she sees. I would love to see and explore her lack of ability to relate to those around her. It is almost as if she has been wearing goggles since the day she was born. And for a while, all they showed her was the magnificence and grandeur she was capable of. But her vision has changed. Or more importantly, the world has demanded she see its truth. Her goggles have been forcibly cracked and putrefaction has settled in; and it is ravenous, this decay. It isolates her; makes her second guess herself; steals her confidence like a thief in the night. People: they have always been what she has loved most, but now they seem to only cause her pain and heartache. But I believe that longing companionship will remain. In fact, I think it is what will keep her grounded in these new uncharted waters of despair. As of right now, she seems to be trapped in a cage of destruction, alone and incapable of connecting with anyone, provided with only one weapon to defend herself: beauty. And so many others demand she use it constantly, and with reckless abandon. And they will take until nothing of her is left.

WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO HAVE YOUR CHARACTER DIE?: Yes. It would probably depend on muse mostly, if I’ve lost it or something. And if it would help further along the plot!

IN DEPTH IN CHARACTER PARA SAMPLE(S): She watches her closely, taking note of her every move: the way her hand sits perfectly still as her fingers do all the magic; the way her mouth points downward, slightly agape whenever she touches up her eyes; the way each and every little thing she does makes her more perfect than the moment before. Rita has always thought her mother was beautiful, with hair as silky smooth as honey and perfect, unblemished olive skin. She has always been a sight for sore eyes, turning head wherever she goes—men, women, it made no difference. All eyes were on her.

“You’re beautiful, Mama,” a tiny little Rita gushes atop her mother’s lap, elbows resting atop the counter, eyes trained onto her face through the mirror. Her hands gently cupped at her tiny chin and she watched her mother, absolutely mesmerized.

“Thank you, baby,” she smiles, eyes never leaving her own reflection. She has a tiny jar resting between the index finger and the thumb of her left hand, and she dabs her middle finger into the maroon concoction. It stains her fingertip and Rita’s brows furrow with confusion.

“What’s that?” Disbelief is apparent in her tone, but it only elicits a light-hearted chuckle from her mother and a small shake of her head.

“Shadow. For the eyes,” she raises her arm and sweeps the tip of her finger gently along one of her eyelids, then does the same to the other. The color is now smeared along her skin and she pauses for a moment, only to wipe away the remaining color from her fingers. And then she returns to her lids, spreading the shadow smoothly, evenly until all that remains is a soft glow of red. Her green eyes pop against the contrast of the colors and Rita gasps.

“How did you do that?!” She whips her head around and gazes up with absolute wonder at her mother and her appearance, jealous of her beauty and wishing she could take it from her. Turning back, she faces the mirror and leans in, observing her own face and takes note of at least three shortcomings—something no nine year old girl should ever do.

“Here,” her mother interrupts her thoughts, gesturing for her to hop up onto the table. Rita does as is suggested and her mother leans to her left and rummages through her trunk. It’s filled with at least thirty jars of all different small shapes and sizes, each one a different color and texture, but all are complementary to her mother’s skin tone, of course.

“Let’s try…” she trails off as she searches, clinking and clanking within the box until she clicks her tongue and looks back to Rita, “this one.” It’s magenta, but more purple than pink and it’s reminiscent of Rita’s favorite dress in the way it shines when it hits the light.

Slowly and carefully, her mother executes the same routine she had done on herself, dipping her finger into the now uncorked jar and then sweeping it gently along Rita’s eyelids. She wipes away the remaining shade, but quickly returns to spread it out evenly. Rita sits as patiently as any child can when far too excited and her mother has to scold her at least three times before she finally does sit still.

They follow the same routine. First, her mother applies on herself, then chooses the perfect color for Rita. It is never a match, never the same colors. “Each woman has a different palette,” her mother grasps her wrist lightly and holds her arm up side-by-side to her own. “Your skin is much lighter than mine,” this time her tone hurts; it’s edgy and clipped and filled with a hint of jealousy. But Rita quickly excuses it away. Perhaps all women are jealous of one another, she thinks. Just as I was jealous of her moments earlier.

But it is a very dangerous thought, a dangerous way to excuse the bad behavior of a parent. No mother is ever supposed to resent their child, let alone scold their daughter for having fairer skin or being prettier. But Yekaterina Jakov was no ordinary mother, and she will do anything to make sure her daughter is no ordinary girl.

“Now, Rita, you mustn’t let anyone see you without your face.”

“Without my face?” The girl stares up at her mother, wide-eyed and quizzical. “But I always have my face.”

“No, Rita. This is your face,” her mother holds up her arm, encompassing the girl’s face entirely with her hand as she speaks. “This is what you show people. Nothing less than perfection.”

Rita turns back to look into the mirror, her eyes scanning every perfect corner of the visage staring back at her. She takes note in the purple on her eyelids, at the rose petal pink lacquered onto her plump lips, at the dark charcoal black outlining her azure hues. She didn’t look like herself; she was nearly unrecognizable, but at least she was beautiful.

—————

She sits in front of a mirror, her mirror, the one she uses every single day. And today is a day like any other. She rises early despite her protests, bathes and begins her morning routine, though it seems more like a ritual—like she’s praying to a deity. The god of beauty, but Rita is painfully unaware of the sacrifice Aphrodite demands: nothing too extravagant, only your soul. And so it starts with a tug here, a lift of her brow to give her more of a perfect arch, and it ends with a face she barely recognizes. But it’s one they will demand to see. They’ll gawk and stare and whisper as she walks past, secrets of lust or promises of hatred, it makes no difference. At least they will be discussing her. They’ll be envious of her beauty, of her grace and everything in between.

Tentatively, she reaches into the familiar wooden chest. It was her mother’s; a gift for her eighteenth birthday. She’d spent a fortune to send it to Rita, even left it filled with supplies, and now it was her most prized possession—aside from its contents, of course. But the sentiment behind the gift was left unanswered. Her letter had been left unanswered as well. It wasn’t that Rita couldn’t find the words; she knew exactly what she wanted to say to her mother if she had the chance. She wanted to yell and cry and scream. She wanted to blame her mother for it all, to rest the weight of the world’s transgressions atop her shoulders so Rita would no longer have to bear it alone. But the solution lies at the surface, not within. Simply, Rita did not want to waste her time. There would be no use in writing a nasty letter to the woman who left her ill prepared to face life; her efforts could be put to far better use. Her time was precious, highly sought after and she needn’t waste it on those she no longer cares about. As far as she’s concerned, both her parents have died.

Slowly, she twists the cap off of her new favorite shade: a subtle pink sherbet. But as she places the finishing touches atop her lids, a tiny thought pops into her head. This would look better if my eyes were green today. And it takes no more than that mere suggestion. She sets down the tiny jar, twists the cap back on and then focuses her fingertips attention toward her blue hues. But in time, and with a few blinks, the ocean calmly morphs into a beautiful pasture—subtle and serene and most importantly, green. That’s better, she thinks, a smile forming along her rosy lips. But there’s a tiny wrinkle in her nose whenever her reflection squints back at her. Quickly and with wild determination, she brushes away the small crease in her skin with the pad of her finger, a look in her eye as if she’s an artist laying magnificent waste to a fresh blank canvas. A few swipes of her paintbrush and the wrinkle vanishes completely.

It’s an uphill battle, this war against imperfection, but it is one she’s spent what feels like a lifetime waging—and winning. But it is dangerous, this ability she possesses. The ability to erase, to change, to intensify. Beauty lies in wait atop her fingertips, never truly admitting the immense power that comes along with such a form of defense. And those around her, those who wish to erase, wish to change, wish to intensify; they submit willingly, and Rita obliges them with absolute delight.

But what of herself? Who defends her against this beast she has created, this monster that lies within? No one ever warned her that the most dangerous enemy is yourself. It doesn’t show in the way she looks, the way she dresses, or even the way she carries herself. All they see is beauty, is perfection, is transcendence—so that is all she sees, too. She sits in front of this mirror, day-in and day-out. She adjusts, she tweaks, she changes completely. Each morning she rises, each day she is reborn anew. What remains? Nothing, she thinks. I am no one.

She sucks in a sharp breath and closes the box in front of her, locking it tightly and setting it into the drawer on her left. But she isn’t finished. She realizes this when her eyes land back on her reflection. Her hair, it glistens in the morning light; it shines as the trees whip in the wind, blocking the sun every now and then. But it doesn’t look perfect. Not with these brand new green eyes. Brown looks best with green, she thinks. Maybe a light chestnut. Slowly she reached into the top drawer to her right and retrieved a small brush made of bone. With the other she pulled out a familiar tiny jar filled with crushed cinnamon. Bringing the jar up and over the crown of her head, she tapped the side of it lightly, letting the light brown flakes descend atop her blonde hair. She follows this by running the brush through her curls, and the color bleeds from the flakes. It blends and molds into her natural hair color, changing right before her eyes until every last strand has been made anew.

Perfect, she thinks, but takes note of her brows once more, too light and mismatched to the color of her hair. A frustrated sigh escapes her slightly parted lips. And therein lies Rita’s biggest and longest lasting problem. Her work is never finished, and there always seems to be room for improvement. Perfection—which her mother always told her is of the utmost most importance—does not last. There will always be far more ugly than there is beauty.

CHARACTER HEADCANONS: 1. Rita is a Libra. Born September 27th on the precipice of fall. Strengths of Libras: cooperative, tactful, kind, giving and highly sociable. Weaknesses of Libras: Prone to self-pity, detest confrontations and/or fights, can carry a grudge and harbor unmentioned hatred quite easily. Being born under the air sign of Libra, it has bestowed upon Rita a great love of people, especially those who pique her interest. She loves when things go smoothly and appreciates the gentler things in life such as peace and harmony. She whole-heartedly detests violence and consequently injustice. Seeing those around her suffer has always brought her great pain and perhaps this is where her love of beautification and tailoring stems from.

2. Rita’s personality falls under that of the ENFP type, which makes her The Campaigner. “You can change the world with just an idea.” While this applies to many different people who fall under this same personality type, for Rita, it happens to be true. Her idea: douse the world in elegance and decadence. And for a while, she did just that. ENFPs are sociable creatures; they strive being the life of the party and the center of attention. Rita loves to be both. She must grab the attention of an entire room when she enters. And each person within that room must take an interest in her. Otherwise she has not succeeded. ENFPs struggle to connect with those around them, despite their craving for social interaction. This stems from their inability to see the world as anything but complex, like the hardest puzzle known to man, and Rita is determined to put it together—piece by disgusting piece. Rita also struggles with their emotions and compassion; deep down the two conflict immensely. But most importantly, ENFPs like Rita, spend so much time looking for a deeper meaning to life, to their existence, that they forget to enjoy what is happening around them. Though in Rita’s case, perhaps she’s spent too much time noticing, and therefore learned too much and lost a touch of her innocence—of her beauty—along the way.

3. Rita’s character alignment falls under that of neutral good. People that fall under such an alignment are people pleasers; they enjoy helping out those around them, from king’s to peasants, but remain indebted to none. Rita is exactly that. She has always believed, like most like-minded neutral good characters, that law & order are important just as chaos & order are too. And she believes one cannot exist without the other, but rather enjoys in indulging in any of them. Whether it be following the rules, or bending them to her whims; succumbing to an irresistible desire or denying one’s urges for the greater good, Rita has done it all. And she will again. What she does value however, is freedom above all else. She is a bird, meant to fly and to soar and to roam the earth passionately. But being the true neutral that she is, she always seeks to find a balance. To work hard and play hard.

4. A girl’s first true love is her father. Papa’s little angel, he would whisper softly. Even today, if Rita closes her eyes, relaxes her thoughts and takes a deep breath, she can almost feel his lips as they graze along her temple. She can feel his strong arms hook under her arms and lift her high above his head. If she concentrates hard enough, she can remember him. The way he smelled, like a gentle rain on a warm, sunny day. The way he felt, like a protector with arms made of steel. The way he loved, with his whole heart. But Rita can never remember his face; she can never see it when she closes her eyes. He is more of a blur rather than a memory, not a complete picture, but a perfect trope of a loving and caring father, if there ever truly was one. He died when she was very young, around four or so. And I attribute most of her issues, even if she claims to be and seemingly looks perfect. They say a father’s love is like no other, especially when it comes to men loving their daughter’s. A girl needs her father; she needs one man in her life that she can trust. If not, pretty little angels with hair as bright and as yellow as the sun do not turn riper with age. They turn rotten.

5. I am what you made me. Some say a girl’s best friend is her mother, and if Rita were asked, she would probably say just that. She’d claim she learned everything from her: how to dress, how to act, how to be. Her mother was her teacher, her guide post, and it was her responsibility to shape Rita into a fine young woman. And instead, she created a monster. A beast instilled with the belief that beauty is paramount and should be held in higher regard than anything else. Perhaps it’s due to the fact that she had to raise her all by herself, but something tells me Yekaterina Jakov couldn’t and wouldn’t have done any better. She sees Rita as the perfect girl; mysterious and beautiful: everything it took her far too long to figure out how to be. But everyone knew just how easily Yekaterina collected pretty things, hung them on a shelf and only admired them from afar. And after her father died, this left Rita with no other way to receive adoration or praise or love. One could single-handedly blame Rita for her vanity, her shallow heart, but they’d be remiss to overlook how big a hand her mother played in the woman she became. What sort of woman—what sort of person can you become when your mother treats you as if you are just another collectible? It has been years since she’s even seen her mother, not since she moved to the Little Palace, but still, she’s developed a strong hatred for her the more ugliness she sees, and distantly, if she spends too much time lingering on the fleeting thought of her mother, she wishes Yekaterina had better prepared her for the world instead of handling her with gloves meant to only hold delicate things; it didn’t prepare her for reality.

6. Likes: Rita loves the smell of fresh flowers, the taste of a sweet wine and the warmth of the afternoon sunlight on her face. She has an obsession with lace and silk, specifically the way the latter feels against her skin. Her favorite color is purple, especially when paired with greens and yellows.

7. Dislikes: Rita detests waking up early, favoring as much beauty sleep as she can get. She hates the way it sounds when people chew with their mouth open, even more so if they begin to speak. Getting dirty, sweating and the stench that follows are just a few of her least favorite things, as well as any sort of physical training or activities. Not to say she’s lazy, but over exertion is not something she enjoys. And lastly, she cannot stand cheap fabric or bad fashion sense.

8. Romance & sexuality: I know it has been explicitly stated that Rita is pansexual, and while I love that despite her vanity and obsession with how things look, she can look beyond a person’s looks and decidedly find someone attractive based on pure personality, I still think Rita’s sexuality and her experience regarding sex is something that should be explored. Has she ever had sex? I don’t think she has. She may have had encounters of sexual nature, but they have never reached their full potential, so to speak. Perhaps it is difficult for her to give herself wholly to someone the way one must while having sex, or maybe she’s saving herself, waiting for the right person to come along. And in reference to my last plot point, I think it’d be interesting if her first time was given to someone under the ruse of love. Yet another piece of her stolen and tarnished and given back mangled: her heart. And furthermore, Rita’s heart is severely entangled with her sexual desire, and quite possibly cannot engage in one without the other.

EXTRAS: I didn’t have all the time in the world, but I’m just gonna put a few quotes and things here that remind me of Rita! I would have made a mockblog, but again, not enough time. :/

Quotes that inspired me for Rita: “Her eyes were pearls, which gave her great beauty, but meant she was blind. Her world was the colour of pearls: pale white and pink, and softly glowing.” - Neil Gaiman (x)

“Beauty is transformed over time and not without destruction.” - Terry Tempest Williams

“How soft and gentle her name sounds when I whisper it. It lingers on the tongue, insidious and slow, almost like poison, which is apt indeed. It passes from the tongue to the parched lips, and from the lips back to the heart.” - Daphne du Maurier (x)

“It’s hard to show people everything, you know? You never know what they’ll do with it once they have it.” - Nick Burd (x)

“They won’t tell you fairy tales of how girls can be dangerous and still win. They will only tell you stories where girls are sweet and kind and reject all sin. I guess to them it’s a terrifying thought, a red riding hood who knew exactly what she was doing when she invited the wild in.” - Nikita Gill (x)

“I burn, I freeze; I am never warm. I am rigid; I forgot softness because it did not serve me.” - Catherine M. Valente (x)

Gifs and such that inspired me for Rita: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

ANYTHING ELSE? Thank y’all for even reading ANOTHER app from me tbh! Love + appreciate y’all so much and I’m just so happy I got to dive into Rita as well. Oh, also! My fave book is Catcher in the Rye.

#raraccepted #accepted: rita

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idksheepthoughts · 6 years

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Conversations Me: you actually soft blocked me.... any reason why?

Her: lol the fact that you noticed this late but it happened on accident actually and i went and unblocked but at that point i was like lmao like she'll notice so i never mentioned it

Me: If you hate me just say so. No need to lie.... I don't check shit like that every day but it's not that many days since I know it was maybe a week or less ... Whatever. I'm so splitting atm. So I'll shut up before I say something else

Her: hate? when the fck did i mention that? yes, better shut up before you stick your foot in your mouth as usual since i've done nothing hostile to you as if me feeling like i matter to no one and have the smallest amt of friends possible is somehow how an Attack on You.

Me: you blocked me... on "accident" how does that even happen.... i've told you tons of times that the amount of friends depends solely on yourself. and your willingness to talk to people and work past the anxiety and fear that talking to people causes. . . otherwise I wouldn't even have friends. because if i isolated and neveer talked to anyone ever first that nobody would talk to me in the first place. . . ugh whatever. i've said too much im just going to sober up and talk later i guess.... I can't always be here I try to be but like we said previously, i didn't know what to do between give you loads of attention and give you nothing at all...

Her: tumblr mobile? lol. if you can't believe me when i say that then i don't really want to talk to you since everytime i feel bad or have like, negative feelings regarding my own situations you always take it so personally (1) and then i have to dread these fcking conversations so when we've been talking normally on twitter it all goes to fcking shit because you can't accept that i get to feel bad and feel upset about stuff regardless of whether or not im taking actions to help myself in my own way at my own pace...doesn't mean you get to think that i hate you so i blocked you because what the fuck how does it work when we've been chatting like everyday on twitter? and it was (what i thought) fine? good? (2) if it really was the case i wouldve blocked you here or just flat out deleted since then i'd only have one fucking follower :) so just. let me have emotions. and don't assume things. this is so funny because i remember you getting mad at me months ago for the same exact thing and here we are, situations reversed

Me: BECAUSE i have a huge fear of abandonment.... it was fine but this stuff even if its an accident just idk .... i guess you never saw how much abandonment even if its an accident sends me into depressive spirals??? have i ever left you no. i've been distant yes but i've never full on unfollowed or left... idk you block me a lot and delete and it hurts every time.

Her: "even if" can you believe me????? first off???? (3) and no you havent god if it was such a problem just follow me and then ask me about it because why would i lie lol (4) i don't like friendships built on lies i'll never talk to someone like that genuinely i have insecurities too. i have enough

Me: ok it was an accident.

Her: i didn't even think it was a problem first off considering all those people you put on your thanksgiving post. and then you never noticed/messaged me about so i was like k, so that's that! and just talked w/ you normally here (5) so let's just accept the fact that we've got our problems and there's better ways to handle this than assuming motives

Me: so you did change url because of that post??? like my paranoid ass thought???? i was right on that???? cause i noticed that and was like... maybe its not related but was it????? cause I just want to know... im not mad at that at all just... i want to not assume things atm. and i notice stuff slowly because I try not to fall into obsessive traits. its not healthy to check who im following or who is greyed out or blocked every single day. . . I try to just let things be but when I do notice stuff i can't help but explode. I tried to be calm by just asking why.... but i clearly failed at that. its whatever. I followed back. if it happens again just like.. tell me please??? this stuff makes me so close to slitting my wrist

Her: no, i changed my url because i was sitting on that url for a while and i wanted to use it

Me: okay, it was just a paranoid thought.

Her: well, i really, really, really, don't like when you start assuming things even after i tell you or not believing me. we've been friends for how long? does it mean nothing? you'd think i'd lie at this point? x____x (6) .those thoughts make me want to die

Me: i'm sorry for thinking irrationally, but with how many people just up and leave, all the time even with being friends for long periods its hard not to jump to conclusions. I am in the wrong for falling into my own paranoid thoughts. You explained things and I don't believe that you are lying so its fine.

Her: oh, now you believe me after i have to hold your hand when i'm upset (7) whatever i'm probably not going to follow back because i hate that i have no friends and my mutuals ignore all my posts when i try to put myself out there it's gotten to a point where i can't post stuff on tumblr anymore because i know no one gives a shit like even as happy as i am about my commission i know if i post that on my tumblr i'll make the artist seem bad when no one likes my post idc. i'm bitter and alone and probably always will be because i don't have any friends aside from you o/ like, be grateful you even have that many people to be grateful for (8) i'd kill for it i feel like dying when i think about this and i think about it a lot but ofc i don't moan about it anywhere except on this stupid fucking twitter account where you seem ot think i live a dandy life (9) it fcking sucks bc im trying my best! anyways im done lol oh and then you post shit like *Edit* (Screenshot of some tags where I said I always listen to people but nobody likes listening to me so I talk to my cats a lot which is true because I’m a burden and i hate bothering people with my problems so much) that when you damn well no i have no one else to listen to except you online and we've been civil lately but ok! i guess i don't care! because im living it up! #sarcasm (10)

Me: you havent followed me in probably over 10 or so months, whenever i remade, cause i don't think you followed me when i delteed either, i didn't expect a follow back at all. i just expect us to be not mutuals but still friends? THEN TALK TO PEOPLE TALK TO PEOPLE AND TALK TO PEOOPLE thats all i did was work past my fears and talk to people and some stuck around some didn't. i dont know what else to say. some of those people haven't actually spoken to me in months either but im still grateful for them. I have nothing else to really advise on that other than you gotta put the talking in first. thats all i've done and its somehow managed to not fuck it up for this long??? i dont think i've had any friend longer than whenever we started being friends... so around 2 years...

Her: no offense but just talking to people doesn't do shit :) but seriously, thanks :) (Phone lagged) So I repeated my previous message by accident)

Her: yeah probably the only reason you havent fucked it up is because i dont want to be fucking alone and i dont give up easily so ive stayed with this even fi you make me feel like fucking shit when this happens & since you said nothing to everything else i just said i guess im right :) god im over this i dont want to fight and i dont want to talk to you becaus eim always explaining my problems and you just like. tell me the same shit each time as if it'll magically do stuff liek the fact that im trying doesnt mean anything i dont wanna talk to you if its always going to be like this ill take the goddamn loss and be lonely while youve got your fucking harem of friends idc if its an exaggeration the point is everyone i considered a friend has just stopped talking to me completely and the only thing i get here is you telling me what to do like i need cold hard instructions for making a friend

ME: Harem??? You know nothing about anything. Ya know what..... forget it. If it's better I don't say anything because nothing I says helps and I'm a broken record. You want to assume because I tagged a lot of people doesn't mean I wasn't just fishing for validation. Me trying to help is just being a dumb mistake. I can't help anyone and why I try is also confusing because I am pointless. I'm keeping you in my note regardless you have been here and listened and that hadn't changed. But if this is just going to explode it's going to explode. All I do is ruin everything and I don't even care anymore I'm going to buy a gun soon anyways. So what's the point in trying to make something work. I've always been a shit friend and it's just not worth it to you at this point. So okay.

Her: HERE let me qutoe for you something "idc if its an exaggeration" ^^^^^^^ unlike you im aware when im being irrational lmao (11) apparnetly you get to be and i dont thats how it always is did you ever think about it feels for me when my only friend does shit like this constantly like lmao ofc not bc why would you consider anything from my point of view this conversation is over until you want to stop fucking assuming i dont care LOL and acting as if me letting you go is the best thing that could happen to me like we couldnt j ust talk on twitter and let it fucking be but you have todrag it all in at least i get to get stuff off my chest thats the only fucking good that comes out of this like you dont get that you telling me the same thing hurts because it doesnt fucking work and i dont have any fucking friends i have college to deal with and studies and that pressure but you dont know the half of it? but you just want to assume, assume, assume (12) i cried already out of anger

Me: I didn't have friends in college either

Her: big offense but i dont want to continue this conversation

ME: Okay

Her: unles syoure willing to admit to your bullshit because ima lways doing that and im always getting the end of your shit

Me: I am made of nothing but bullshit I'm nothing but a huge fucking shit storm and I always will be. You should have left a long time ago because I don't know how to not be toxic It's not That I won't be upset by you leaving far from it but you deserved better people and maybe if you had left and kept trying as you have been things will turn around. Because literally everyone that has ever done that with me ended up fine and in a good spot. I hold people back. And that's all I can think of. I ruin other people's lives by being in it. And I've certainly made your life worse. And I'm just better off dead because I am a selfish fucking loser. I'll shut up now.

#personal #conversations #am I in the wrong???#my perception of reality is very bad #I wish I could tell easily when im being irrational #but i feel like im also just being belittled and treated poorly in her responses too #i am toxic #bad friends #idk ... man #there is a lot i want to say to certain points I might edit and respond with my thoughts now that I am no longer intoxicated #long post

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fxk-lyfe19 · 7 years

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An Open Letter to Those who Broke Me:

Hey all, it’s me, Nicole, remember me? the one that tried her very best? No? Here, let me remind you. Let’s start with girl number 1, we were young and in love, we fell so quickly into a relationship, that we barely had time to grow into adults, we were both freshly 18. You were my almost first everything, you know that. The issue was that you were so consumed with yourself and wallowing in self-pity, that you forgot to give a shit about your girlfriend who was suffering so much. You see when I told you I was raped by your friend, you called him and asked him if he had fucked me, and he with pride said he did, then you turned around and blamed me, that was the first time you laid hands on me. When i tried to kill myself you were so consumed in being the girlfriend of the suicide girl, that you forgot that I was the one strapped to a bed learning to fucking eat again. When we moved in, it was as if all had been forgiven, but then things got worse and the punches got harder and I couldn’t run from it and you knew this. When i finally had enough of the abuse and fought back you made me out to be a bully, and acted like i had abused you for years, but you and I both know, that was a lie. When I moved away you pleaded for me to stay and acted like you were so sad, yet a week later you have another girl crawling into bed with you, so who was untrue then? Then I met girl number two and gosh was she dreamy. She had that beautiful silky blonde hair, and a smile that filled every crack in my heart. You tried for so long to piece me together, but you knew you couldn’t do it. You see you taught me to love myself and to see myself the way you saw me, except those were all lies. You showed me that I was capable of pulling myself together, but you just wanted me to do it on my own. I fell hard for you, and you knew that, hell everyone did. At one point you loved me, or at least you said you did. Then one day were sitting in a car and you ask me to go on an adventure and im thrilled, so we go, only to pick up your ex from the airport, suddenly now it all makes sense. You didn’t want me, you just wanted your ex to see.

Girl number 3 was a rebound turned into a relationship. She showed me what love was, that was unconditional, requited, and strong. You taught me to laugh at myself, to laugh at the world, and that it was okay to have emotions. You showed me love in the smallest ways, like randomly bringing me coffee, or putting the toilet paper on in the direction I liked. The day you made dinner and then remade it once you remembered my food allergy and no matter how many times I said it was fine, that I would be okay, you insisted on remaking it and not letting me help. You showed me that I showed that I loved someone in the smallest things, like when I changed your tire in the rain, or gave you the last cupcake. You just destroyed me when you showed me what hate was, you showed me that as much as you love, you had twice as much hate. Things were never good enough you, it never mattered how much I had to give, you take more and define it as love.

Number 4, you were a goddess, the way you swayed when you walked, or how cute your eyes were when they lit up. You were always honest, down to the day you told me you winked because you couldn’t tell if I was gay or not. You always said what was on your mind, and you encouraged me to be the same. You were honest yes, i’ll give you that, but your candor was off-putting when you realized you were heartless.

five, came in like a hurricane, I saw it brewing, but wasn’t sure what path of destruction you would take. You swept me off my feet. You were a storm, you would come and go as you please, but like any storm, I was never sure if it was the same one or a different one. You would come see me, and treat me like I was the only girl in the world, yet someone else held your attention. You’d say that she was just a friend or that it was nothing, until one night when it became something, do you remember that night because I do. We were drunk in a hotel room and I had one some sexy black lace, the kind you loved and I was throwing myself at you, yet you said you wanted to sleep, then at 4 am your phone goes off, its the same girl from earlier, and you're sitting there giving her support and saying that I didn’t matter. Hell maybe you were right, but you didn’t have to cheat, you could have just left me.

No one was as bad as girl 6, this girl rocked my world. She became my best friend in the world, now unlike the others I didn’t date this girl, she just was my best friend. We were inseparable, and she said she never leave, but you did, didn’t you. It was so gradual I didn’t even notice until I was fully replaced, and when I asked why, you said being bipolar was too much for you.

Lucky Number 7 was, the one who I thought I would raise a family with. She was everything I could want and more than I ever thought I would deserve, We met through a mutual friend, and I’ll be honest I fucked this relationship up. You knew my pain so much, and you let me trust you to catch me when I fall, but you didn’t you just let me fall as hard and fast as I could and you would just say you weren’t ready for that, so you left me there crying on the ground, begging for you to work it out. Here comes girl number 8, you know exactly who you are, you were everyone listed above, some of the bad, but all of their good. You were my ex and my best friend, and you knew how I felt about this girl, you saw what the break up did to me, you saw how I reacted, you picked me up when I couldn't move from the ground. Then you went and you started seeing her, girl 7, and you started acting so strange. You knew what you were doing, you knew how much it would hurt. Did I really deserve this?

to special number 9, thank you for existing, and i hope that ill do you proud one day.people may shatter you, they may cause you to lose pieces of yourself, but they can only take what you give them, sometimes I just give too much. Love Always, The Ex-girlfriend who never stopped caring until her last breath.

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geek-gem · 7 years

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The Sega Dreamcast and the Sonic Adventure series

Now feel like making this and no tags well I'm wanting to be sure. But last night just was kind of interesting including went to bed early by mistake but woke up at 2:30 am maybe and was on the laptop for a bit yet tried to change the plug thing for the PlayStation 1 for the Sega Dreamcast. For anyone who wants to know also head be nice but the Sega Dreamcast was Sega's last video game console and the first of the 6th generation of video game consoles. It it almost put loved but it love again just it lived a short life yet it has its fan base including me. I'm gonna be honest I use to like sonic a lot when I was younger yet as I grew older I started to dislike the series more. Including naming sonic the blue bastard hedgehog. But also it's fan base I mean like the stuff and reboot's happening with the comics and what people want and sonic not having an identity for the series. It's a long story and I'm a guy who doesn't wanna be part of it. Yet as I grew older I learned to understand what people liked about certain parts such as the Archie Comics series and other things. Such as giving sonic more story and I'm not caring of putting a shift this thing for sonic but will try it anyway. Including just I learned to like some stuff a bit more. Along with that it was also the cause well the now distaste for the series of how it is. Including I'm terrified for having a opinion in this fandom yet luckily I have a friend who's a Sonic fan there got that who I can talk to. I'll say this I for some reason praise that Sonic OVA thing that was released in 1996 and I'm okay with Sonic X their are some things I liked about it. Yet it seems like okay I'll mention this I think some one on DeviantArt a person I never talked to they blocked me and maybe cause I have some weird thoughts some opinions of my own. Also they were one of the many people who liked the Archie Comics and even talked about how much they hated the first Sonic Adventure. Including some other games and.....also they liked Sly Cooper, Jak And Daxter, and, Ratchet And Clank and how those were better and just saying I agree. But the should I say mother fucker well just did lol the guy blocked me yet I think I never spoke to him. Yet hey remember reading one of their posts luckily some one also thinks of that upcoming Sonic movie all I think of is those Transformers love action movies. Sorry just really I think my interest got back to Sonic when my friend got me more into Game Grumps and I love their play through's of some Sonic games they've played. Also I'm gonna say I'm mainly like Arin Hanson when it's with Sonic and his games. Or mainly just what the series can do better. Even if Sonic Adventure was released in Japan first in 1998 and Sonic Adventure 2 was released in 2001 and Japan first I think also they did that a lot in the past for some Sonic games. I like some games including some of them stand out to be even some stand alone games. Yet I seem to like the Adventure series quite more. Because and I think many people as well think also that their was some good stuff with their games they weren't perfect but their were things I liked about them. If they were written better and remade during these days I might love them a lot more. Okay now about the games I deleted all of my data for them even if I never finished any of them I just wanted to anyway to get some what of a new experience. Also my Dreamcast if i don't play it a lot I have to adjust the time and date again. Yet for Sonic Adventure 1 it felt nice. Mainly played Sonic and during that honestly I seriously question if I should be recorded me talking about I want something cohesive such as the characters ages I'm just bothered by how some of the characters are stuck being their ages so one time on one day I thought to myself okay new paragraph. I thought should if the ages in their first game they appear in what year would they be born in and later on. Including I was using real years such as placing each Sonic Adventure game during the years they were released in. It's kind of funny and I sent this message to my friend on Tumblr when I was at Pizza Hut. Mainly it was for characters in the Dreamcast era such as the Sonic Adventure series, Sonic Advance but mainly the sequel cause of Cream and Cheese, and Sonic Heroes. What I discovered of Sonic's default age is 15 and he first appeared in 1991 now counting that arcade game where he's a keychain but his actual first living main game appearance as a actual character. He would of been in born in 1976 and as of now he would of turned 40 last year. You can laugh at that if you want and think of the games. For some reason keep thinking of the Resident Evil games where they have ages set for characters and I like that. So I thought of that for the Sonic series. Sorry but yeah their was that where I was randomly talking about what years characters would of been born in and saying Sonic is dead and just messing around and honestly the game plays well and for being released in 1998 original and released in 1999 to North America it's pretty good in a way, including me making stupid dark jokes like at the casino if it was a regular human. Mainly after I fought Knuckle's meh spoilers or whatever I decided to lay in bed and I fell asleep and woke up at 10 something. That time oh wait before I slept watched some The Loud House first and the I dozed off at 5 something I think or whatever. Then after taking a shower maybe was on my laptop and well forgot but I played a bit more and playing Sonic till I met Amy and played Tails but stopped at the first boss fight for him. Honestly the one game I seemed to think of the most was Sonic Adventure 2 and even it's GameCube version and HD version which long ago bought on my original PS3. Maybe it's cause it has some stuff I liked more and I just played it on Dreamcast. Honestly I think its a improvement and I enjoy it more then the original Sonic Adventure game. Stopped playing the Hero story when I got into the military base stage as Sonic, and for Dark story stopped when I got into the stage, "Sand Ocean". Including just well Loud House is also on at 8. Had to change ad to as and almost put ad again just before Sonic and just typos man. Even for the word put and again for put. I'm typing this on my phone. But theirs this guy on YouTube called Somecallmejohnny he's a video game reviewer and he's reviewed Sonic games and he's a Sonic fan and I like them. Including was watching some of him today. Some of them are long yet if you manage to make it through some of them I think just I'm being silly he's great and funny man. His reviews are maybe kind of how I see these games maybe. In fact will say this when playing the original Sonic Adventure I gonna stop pressing the same speech thing when I'm with a person and it reminds me when I kept grabbing a rocket launcher and switching my assault rifle a lot in Killzone 2 and I legit said to myself during that game this is why I'm autistic supposedly insulting myself and this happened with Sonic Adventure. Also another funny thing when in that jewelry store or whatever in Sonic Adventure just funny taking off that stone off and on. Sorry yet just.....honestly these Sonic games are ones I like. I think that Sony Sonic movie is what got me thinking again and hey wanna say Knuckles is a lol meme lol my body was moving just those reblogs about him saying and then just quiet laughing just the whole I lived thing and I say I lived mother fucker. But again sorry and you know.....I have ideas for Sonic but I'm kind of nervous and just.....honestly a almost left rabbit lol but a reboot of the Sonic series would be nice please. In fact just...kind of sad of how the series of what it's become. Along with that other Sega games are marketed or as made as much as Sonic. Yet with that news from years ago that cause of Rise Of Lyric and just the Game Grumps series of that shows what's so wrong with that game I've heard they wanna do better. I do have ideas yet they seem kind of fan fiction lol and along with the stories being more teen rated. Also it could be cause that Sony Sonic movie is in my head. Along with the Adventure games and some others. Which was why some hours ago listened to some music and thought about Sonic such as Linkin Park and others. Maybe I'll make them here just I need to think and just also I made this a bit better. But also wanna ask who wants the Game Grumps play Sonic Adventure 2 and see how that goes post just yeah I wanna see that and just what Arin lol Aron's but Arin's and Danny's reaction would be to that game. Also typos but seriously I want that to happen lol I want them to play ether version maybe the GameCube version they would go with lol if someone sends them something just I'll post them. But yeah I want that damn miss post lol....I wanna see that Game Grumps series

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