#reminder this blog is now archived and ive moved

[phightingconfessions]

hi!! brought here from the hot takes / headcanon blogs (because of reblogs) and thought i’d submit something

i’ve been so brainrotted over phighting recently that if you mentioned any weapon (like a sword or a rocket) i would immediately just start smiling because of how hard i’m hyperfixating right now it ain’t even funny and i’ve never been so fixated on something my entire life man- i also made a cardboard shurifin for a school project and it actually looks kinda good (the horns fell off tho, i gotta get around to making them again and gluing em on). anyways back to what i was saying, i have info dumped to nearly all of my friends (irl and online) about phighting and if they keep on updating the goddamn game i think i’m gonna implode (/pos) because we got FED in the last few weeks it’s crazy (one of my friends is on vacation right now and there are paragraphs worth of conspiracy theories on the heretic katana skin n all that in her discord dms hehe)

tl;dr: truth be damned i have phighting autism (/silly)

- 🔶 anon!! hello!! (i might be back, probably, we’ll see)

yr about to implode then (phestival in august) >:)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i cut off someone reaching out for help on tumblr? i am a very anxious person. ive been on tumblr a very long time because most all other social media terrifies me as someone who grew up with the wild west internet a decade past (im in my late 20s) so i feel sometimes with how reckless and spurractic people can be online in chatroom and especially clearly public platforms where any stranger, malicious or otherwise can just archive your digital presence for personal use.

more recently as someone who has been here during the pornban and as an asexual really enjoyed the quiet with no drama farming and a slow pace to talk about more unique political topics in a measured way it is something im strangely nostalgic for and a great example of my sensibilities to people when they insist that i use other platforms like discord or twitter or whatever clone for these services comes out of the old guard introducing feature creep to copy everyone else or any other indi "were the anti corporate version" of the endless scroll apps. i just dont want it. tumblr is special because im desktop only, been here for years, and i have kept track of every single change made so i have manually adjusted the change through hacks to evade every bad decision on here and make my set up look identical to how it was in 2010. so let it be understood that i tend to be a loney person because of this stubbornness. web 3.0 is too dangerous to people with addictive tendencies that my adhd brings out and my need to wear my heart on my sleeve. so i hope i defended my personality type enough to show why someone like me would see a post about some horrible abuses they have fell victim to who also share alot of the marginalized status as me and writing depressive things in the replys of others posts as to attention seek about it.

i directly interact with this person, not only to check if they are real (but wow, modern chat bots make this part horrifying for me. we really cant ever know for sure what is real anymore. trying to find warmth on the internet feels impossible now a days) i have multiple conversations at this point both venting and just casually shooting the shit. but the begging for me to constantly repost their paypal makes me so nervous in a way that i feel so guilty for because it reminds me of all the scams that get associated with this kind of ebegging and the reminder that capitalism takes away all warmth from human interaction to make them purely transnational and conditional. but then it just has been escalating where im so scared that now its not enough that im reposing on my 8 follower, all mutual blog, they are asking me to share it on other socials. accounts i do not have i have a flip phone and a laptop and i am tinkering with a windows 7 tower that will never be connected to the internet so i can always have software sit perfectly in its time capsule for when i need it. i do not have a way to help this person outside of what i learned from collage psyche classes. a part of me is so scared to just abruptly cut them off and just delete my entire account like i tend to do often on tumblr for a multitude of reasons, its a part of what lets people survive being here this long but i worry that would crush them if i did that, i dont want to make them feel more hopeless and unwanted then they already talk about. but i am text on the internet through a screen. i can only do so much. so would i be the asshole if i just deleted my account with a "i hope you hang in there, the world is a harsh place but keep moving" to cut someone so similar to me who is struggling out of my life?

What are these acronyms?

[goldxnfemme]

heya im here because i saw your femme post and i was wondering if you have any resources about how femme is a lesbian identity(especially wrt butch/femme). ive been seeing too many instances where femme is used as a tie in for non lesbians in distinctively lesbian spaces and its driving me insane how its being taken away from lesbians(if its understood that butch is a lesbian term why cant femme get that same recongnition??)

So, I've considered whether I wanted to answer this or not, and how.

And that's because while I fully understand where you're coming from, the answer is somewhat complicated. The answer is complicated because I have a feeling it'd be close to impossible finding a source that says that in an objective, direct way, aside from you know, oral history, about something that we (lesbians, as a community) don't universally have a consensus about. So even if you did find it, there's a chance there are other sources out there and detailing of experiences that would dispute it.

Therefore, I'll give you more of an analysis instead, I hope that's ok.

A dear femme friend of mine mentioned, when I brought this up with her earlier, that: "It’s reminding me of the discussion we had about historical use of high femme. Hard to pinpoint but we know we’ve seen it (as a sexual role, opposed to stone butch). But they want “scholarly” in areas where we’re more likely to have oral tradition and life contemplative writing, which is seen as less authoritative.

Especially in an era where the people writing about us academically weren’t doing so kindly and likely not as part of the community."

And that's a bit of the frustrating part of lesbian history and lesbian archiving, our individual and subjective retellings aren't seen as serious. Plus with time and the changes in the LGBTQ+ community and our community itself, we have diverse perceptions of concepts and to who they apply.

The way I manage my feelings about these issues:

There will always be someone to fight you on these things from either side and my solution is to make peace with the fact that the way I see it, won't be the way everyone sees it, even if my way makes sense to me. And it's up to us to curate our surroundings as much as we can, if it bothers us in significant ways.

Especially if you're looking for historical validation, it'd be 500 hoops to jump to explain the changes and how we got here (to the point that you're trying to make), in ways that would actually give people you don't agree with the argument of "yeah, but historically" so idk

Quick and extremely simplified historical run through:

At the time lesbian started fully being used, late 1800s/early 1900s, after people started looking differently at female friendships (that basically functioned as marriages in many ways) and noting attraction that may be there, it was used as an anomaly and for the longest time (still is today though :/ ) pathologised, along with many slurs, in order to promote that separation between "normal" and us: basically it was strictly highlighted attraction to women. Now we move right along the last 4 or so decades, we've expanded the concept to exclude attraction to men, right? People attracted to multiple genders have carved a space of their own, their own labels, experiences etc and we have these little separations. But not everyone adheres to those differences and separations.

So, in a way, it's also about making peace with the fact that things have changed because of many factors, that I won't get into here because this is quite long already, and people won't always be in the same page as you about the changes and why do they mean something to you.

Another quick historical recap, that came from a dear butch friend of mine, is that our understanding of butch/femme (that you're talking about, that i discuss in my blog, not the ballroom concepts of it) is first used and seen in lesbian spaces/bar culture spaces/house parties, in celebration of same gender attraction and spaces that first gave these women the "freedom" and autonomy to exist as they were, considering that for a long time there was a distinct separation between family/work life and social life. *

Participation in that butch/femme culture existed within that context of attraction to women.

Also, if I were to guess, I think a factor that affects the way people see femme as not necessarily lesbian, is the fact that many femmes, historically, were sex workers or pulled tricks to gain favours and bring it back to their partners. So that's something to think about, it didn't necessarily mean they were attracted to men, but some people perceived it that way.

So as you can't see, there's not really an easy answer and I apologise for that.

I want to add though, anon, that if this matters to you, it's important that you keep reading, read as much as you can and read about arguments you don't agree with as well, so at the very least you understand/have an idea where they're coming from and what those arguments are based on. And if you're reading a book that you don't really agree with, try to consider the context of it/time it was written and published, that has helped me tremendously in my reading, to note the differences between my present and theirs.

Here's some books you might enjoy, though unfortunately they won't give you that direct answer you're looking for:

Boots of Leather, Slippers of Gold: The History of a Lesbian Community by Elizabeth Lapovsky Kennedy and Madeline Davis

Odd Girls and Twilight Lovers: A History of Lesbian Life in Twentieth-Century America by Lillian Faderman

I've read this enough that it's starting to blur in my mind, so I very much hope it makes sense lol

And shout out to my very own butch/femme community, my friends, that discuss these things with me and allow me each day to have a more grounded understanding of myself as femme and our culture.

*Yes, I know some gay men were there too, I'm aware, however there were spaces with the majority of their public being lesbians, especially with mentions of the way that lesbians socialised being different than the way gay men did. Funnily enough, because of the work/family life being separated from social life, sometimes gay men would be beards for lesbians in family gatherings.

[silentshadowbl0g]

text update 06-2023

hey yall! thanks for the nice tags on my recent art- a big reminder that i am pretty active on twitter @sadmachlne666 (the i is a lower case L) and i usually post art regularly, sometimes still warriors, but usually its whatever im into

as far as personal life, the mods and I have had a really hard past couple of years, but we’re doing our best to keep going.

Orion and i spent the whole month of October together last year, and we both plan on visiting Heck soon. I believe they’re both still technically mods here but I’ll be really surprised to see them answer anything, as they’ve both pretty much washed their hands clean of warrior cats or anything of the like.

I’m moving out of my parents house FINALLY- I’ll be moving in a 3 bedroom with two other friends of mine this upcoming July, im super excited.

(Everythings been paid off except the first bill due the first of July, im okay with money but my commissions ARE still open, i just may be slow getting to them cause im busy with preparations and my irl job. if you cant comm me, please consider reblogging the comm price post! thanks!)

As for Silentshadow’s Path- all ive done the past few years is brainstorm TBH! i have a very loose world and story built in my head but ive yet to nail anything down- mostly just the characters and their motivations and roles in the story. Trying to keep everything as it was when it was warrior-ifed is pretty hard, but i have to remind myself ive been working on these characters since 2013, its gonna be hard to change a world overnight (for me anyway).

So ive been thinking- i might just abandon this blog and make a new one? go back to my roots, make new references for everyone (everyone im keeping anyway. remember i made over 200 characters for this story??)

I’m tempted to just private/archive this blog, its what i wanna do but i know lots of fans, including my friends even, enjoy going back and just looking through this blog every now and then- id hate to take it away from anyone.

But as of now, even though im a bit too busy to draw and sit down and chat, Id love to interact with you guys again, feel free to send me some asks every now and then if you have any questions. I’ll let yall know what i do in the future- probably after im moved into my new apartment! Thanks for an amazing couple of years this whole project was.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 6/6/2023

two things to frontload:

if you have good vibes to send off in service of me getting a livable apartment in the greater houston tx area i would be most grateful, bc the hunt ain't fuckin goin too fuckin great

go play ABZÛ

listening

soul bossa nova by quincy jones bc it popped up on my discover weekly. i can only assume spotify recced this to me for bossa nova reasons bc i have been categorically ignoring austin powers my entire life and intend to continue on in this fashion.

it is a bop tho.

-

reading

when i wrote the pinned post for this blog i settled on "a common throughline in Shit What I Like is understanding how and why systems work" bc i hadn't yet listened to Well There's Your Problem, a podcast with slides about engineering disasters and systemic failures, and "OSHA aficionado" is shorter but less snappy than "WTYPP fan". anyway when i think "chemical spill" i do not generally think "hand sanitizer spill", and when i think "how do i get rid of all this unsellable poorly made hand sanitizer made in the early days of the pandemic" i do not immediately leap to "well i'll just dump pallets in this parking lot and warehouse and surely it won't spill and/or explode bc hand sanitizer is a product that makes you safer".

ArtNaturals was, at that point, not on the [FDA warning] list. Its sanitizer, labeled with a tasteful, millennial-friendly design that said it was vegan and infused with jojoba oil, was marketed as “safe for kids” and “a great bulk hand sanitizer pack for parents and teachers.” At least two school districts on the West Coast had purchased the sanitizer to distribute to students, in addition to two Ivy League universities. Then, in March 2021, a year into sales, an independent lab in Connecticut called Valisure announced that it had found benzene in the company’s sanitizer. Benzene, a widely used industrial chemical derived from petroleum, can be absorbed through the skin and is known to be a risk factor for leukemia.

came across it bc my rss feed really wanted me to subscribe to longreads (no), but this one did catch my eye as i was checking to make sure the site still wasn't for me

-

watching

watching this was a unexpectedly funny experience bc i recognized one of the backing instrumentals as a previous tuesdaypost song, which kind of felt like solving a mystery book on chapter three bc u knew an obscure fact about eels. this documentary came out in nov 22 and the song was one of this past feb's tuesdaysongs so i can only assume the spike in popularity from the documentary propelled it onto my discover weekly playlist??? the internet is a series of algorithmic tubes &tc

this is a tremendous work, as a documentary/history/archival effort/piece of art. it made me tear up. there's a very lovely sequence about memory and legacy that got me thinking a lot again about how i would like to be remembered. ive rewritten this section four times, when usually i don't redraft the tuesdaypost much at all. boils down to: complex and weird topic to talk about as an orphan, i am reluctant to be any more emotionally vulnerable than i absolutely have to during this time of great cross-country change and moving upheaval.

i appreciated how this was not tearjerker webby bait, which would have made it feel very hollow and embittered me even more during a week i am already predisposed to hate humanity. instead, mr perjurer is simply very good at his job (being an ethical documentarian)

-

playing

one game i really loved and one game i really hated, so it goes.

despite religiously downloading the epic store free game of the week bc i have a reminder written in my planner, i never fucking remember to actually look at what i have in that library.

ABZÛ genuinely healed my heart during a very unpleasant weekend.

i don't use this as a recs platform except for this one time when i am cashing in all my chips. go play ABZÛ, it takes like an hour and a half.

all you need to know about it you can get from the cover art. it is not a hard game and it is not a horror game. i went in totally blind and the less you know about this game the better. i was delighted nearly every minute. every time i saw an ammonite i felt like i was seeing an old friend. there are SO many clever game design choices i want to talk about. message me after you play this. i said "of COURSE IT WAS AUSTIN FUCKING WINTORY ON THE SCORE" during the credits. what an absolutely goddamn perfect little jewel of a game.

AGAIN: go play ABZÛ.

i also played Call of the Sea, bc it was in my epic library and i wanted something fast and oceanic to continue the high of ABZÛ.

Call of the Sea did not continue the high of ABZÛ. i think this team carefully and thoughtfully sidestepped several of the usual issues is making something Lovecraftian but fell into the rest of the pits. eg i liked that they had Polynesian culture consultants, but from an interview it seemed like it was limited to a one-day crash course? i am deeply grateful this isn't a dead-wife game and the female protagonist has a great deal of agency, but she's still a rich white lady from boston trekking about the Tahitian islands commenting on primitive structures, which made me suck air in through my teeth at many points. there is an "ancient slave culture" thread that never actually resolves. i really wish it resolved. the game overall is in a very weird place, trapped between the norms and mores of the early 40s and the 2020s. you have Got to commit to one or the other.

the overall vibe is very polished for a first game. general vibes are Firewatch but puzzle-adventure. the lighting is a little too dynamic and was very distracting throughout. due to this studio's age (new) and odd location (spain) and how their debut game came out (took a year and a half to make, debuted on gamepass) i understand why this game exists the way it does from a marketing and industry standpoint and why they favored visual polish and art style over everything else. it's still annoying bc it is so close to an interesting game.

the twist particularly infuriated me as a chronically ill person, spoilers for the twist behind rot13

gur gjvfg vf gung Abenu gur cebgnt vf frpergyl n "Qnhtugre bs Pguhyuh", naq ure puebavp cebterffvat gb grezvany vyyarff vf op fur'f ba Rnegu naq abg va gur Urnirayl Ernyzf jvgu Pguhyh jurer fur orybatf. guvf frg bss fbzr fvyrag nynez oryyf gb zr nf n puebavpnyyl vyy crefba, op vg vf Fb fvzvyne gb gur Arj Ntr "vaqvtb puvyqera" pbaprcg. n terng qrny bs zrqvpny nohfr naq abezny nohfr fheebhaqf guvf pbaprcg. guvf ernyyl fbherq gur raqvat sbe zr

-

making

fallow week. if it isn't moving-related it isn't happening, and even then a lot of moving-related things are grinding on painfully slowly

[fishfacedterror]

Wow, its been a really long time, huh?

Tumblr has kiiiiiiinda lifted their weird ban, which is. Kinda good, but thats not really what im focused on right now. At least not in this post. More than my feelings on that, i feel like i aught to communicate where ive been and whats been happening, to anyone who is still maybe interested in me/this blog. Just a general and relatively quick update bc I Control The Amount I Share and Dont Feel Like Repeating Stuff

TL;DR

been on a side blog for past 4 years w/ rp main. U can find the sideblog here. Probably gonna let this blog be a relic of a bygone era, but the username is still important to me so im gonna keep it with me going forward.

also went to cohost bc shits kinda fucked and they seem alright. We’ll see if it gains any traction or if it ends up in the flux pillowfort did

I have graduated from University now! Im a smart lad who (hopefully) will get to apply their studies soon, but for now is just doing The Grind. I also moved out on my own and proved to myself i can be independent. Also nice! Ive also had 2 (two) mental health crisis’s over the last four years and that really sucked! Luckily I’m okay now, and have good ppl around me if I ever get sick again, but hopefully not ever again. Or at least as bad.

As for my presence on this Webbed Site, I actually have been here consistently even after the ban, just not on this blog. Idk, thats what happens when you can only choose 1 main blog to be logged into at a time, and I chose my rp blog. Funnily enough i ended up making a side blog to reblog and post rp unrelated things to, and it has for better or for worse become the successor to this here blog. You can find it here if you’re interested! Again, its a side blog so im kinda limited on everything i can do there, but its still me!

As for this blog specifically, I’m not really inclined to Come Back to it; however the URL is still pretty important to me. I an STILL fishfacedterror, and have been on twitter up to this point, and plan to be into the future until I get run off by a bunch of pandas or whatever. I may turn this blog into an archive of my 2010s, changing the URL to reflect that, then reuse the URL as a places hub for all my stuff. Or maybe not! Who knows! If I do Come Back to this blog instead of making it into an archive of my ego im gonna have a lot LOT LOT of housekeeping to do. 2018 me and 2022 me are 4 years apart!

I also made a cohost for myself, if that interests you all too! Its kinda like tumblr 2, though not everyone is on there just yet fir better or for worse. Kinda reminds me of the days where everyone did a big exodus from deviantArt for tumblr.

agh, good ol days.

anyway, this update post has been long enough so I’ll put in a TL;DR at the top so you dont have to feel bad abt scrolling past. Or blocking me for suddenly making a long rambling post out of the blue. I Do Not Care

anyway, shits been real and it keeps on coming!

[tagapagsalaysay]

ive already had a solid relationship with controlling how im commodifying my art and whatever and its all very complex, but right now that im in the process of completely tossing the structure around and also trying to lower my presence while still making my art available to everyone, but also that thing where i refuse it archived and its temporary, etc. its complicated and all this moving stuff around certainly feels like its bumming me out (art blogs/accounts getting less traction and stuff) but i just remind myself that whatever anyway

[crowkingwrites]

Crow King’s Chapter is Ending.

PLEASE DONT FREAK OUT!!!!

Im just moving to a Brand New Blog. With a Brand New Email. Brand New Everything.

So let me explain. This blog will be archived from this point on. I am moving to my new blog @neoncrowpen where I will continue to write all things fanfic, continue all my writing projects, and keep my friendships and relationships Ive made on here with all of you.

I’m so, so grateful for all of the support and love I have received with CrowKing. This was my first fanfic blog and it makes me tear up to think about everything you have all sent me. I’ve gotten messages about eager impatience for new updates to emotional things like “i need your writing”. 

I cannot wait to move forward with this new journey I wanna take you all on with me!!!

@neoncrowpen @neoncrowpen @neoncrowpen

To make things easier, i will continue to make these posts so everyone has a chance to see this. Now, I certainly don’t expect every single follower to follow me to this new blog. BUT! I always appreciate it when a fanfic writer/ or fellow creator gives a ‘buffer time’ for their followers.

All month long until January 6th, 2020 I will be reminding and reblogging this post. 

Thank you for everything. I love ALL of you.

- Signing off one last time, Crow King.

[masterturner]

long drawn out personal post

this is a bit stream of consciousness, so if you’re reading this and trying to make sense of it, im sorry. its okay if youd rather not. its a lot and its emotional labour to even read it probably. it’s been almost a year since the breakup now. every day closer to the anniversary of it, i feel a little more broken. i’ve had two suicide attempts since then, a prolonged IOP thing, and i no longer see a therapist (though i really should start again). im not crying about borderline personality disorder though. this is all breakup shit. still.  im still holding together somehow. i dont really know how, some days. ive gone through the whole cycle of grieving multiple times now, cycling again and again through denial and bargaining and all that, ‘til i reach acceptance and think the hurricane is at its end. then i find i’m just in the eye of the storm, and it’ll soon pass as i get caught up in the winds again. then i do the whole cycle over and over again. thats what the therapists in the IOP said it was. a grieving process. you can grieve the terminus of a relationship the same way you grieve a dead person. it sounds so silly when i make that comparison. they also said that progress and healing are nonlinear and that it’s not really necessarily going to be as simple as passing through the grieving process a single time.  i said it sounds silly. its not silly though. its real, and i have to remind myself of that from time to time. i dont usually talk about anything personal on here, and its a little weird that im doing it now. but i guess im doing it because i dont know where else to do it. i could do it on facebook, but it feels attention-grabby, needy in a way i always feel weird being. doing it here under a little ‘read more’ thing feels less obtrusive and private, but not so private that im completely trapped in my own skull again. i hate feeling trapped in my own skull.  the anxiety bubbled up and got bad again pretty constantly. it got that way tonight. i felt my heart race while i tried to sleep. usually the worst points stemmed from me looking my ex up and seeing how their life was progressing along without me. unlike me, my ex has a drive and interest in the performance of social media that i generally lack. my social media experience begins and ends in shallow ways: i look at cute butts on tumblr, reblog dumb memes and get vague impressions of things going on in the world and such through the sometimes nonsensical things other people reblog. thats about it. my ex, though, shes the kind of person that does things like update her facebook profile picture at least once in a 6 month period, unlike yours truly.  i dont even follow her or have her friended anymore on facebook. heaven forbid i had an instagram to see what kind of stuff was going on there. it always got the worst when i saw her with her new SO. now i get to look at that every time i get the nerve to message her. its literally painful to even look to the extent i have to archive or delete every stray line of text we send to one another afterward.  i was seriously in denial - i talked myself into believing the SO wasnt an obstacle, wasnt a big deal, he was just a rebound and it didnt invalidate me. it didnt make me lesser, and it didnt mean that i was being replaced. after all, what stranger can replace 5 years of memories and experiences together? but i was a rebound too, and that led to a deep and intense relationship. why couldnt it this time too?  i was naive, i think. hopeful and naive, and i really wanted to believe this and that. ‘i know her’ i’d tell myself. ‘i know her, and i know she wouldn’t think this’ or ‘she wouldn’t do this’. but it’s wishful thinking.  maybe a part of me always did know better. maybe i stopped listening to that part of my own psyche because i started to recognize how harmful it was.  it’s kind of messed up how that works though? like... you can be happy with someone, but also be terrified of that day when they realize they can do better. and then it becomes a sort of twisted, fucked-up self-fulfilling prophecy because that thought sucks the life and passion out of you. it’s insidious and slow.  and it’s tempting to look at it like ‘i was right all along, everyone will leave me’, but that’s not really how it necessarily is. thats just the trauma talking, the fear, the part of my mind that’s lazy and resigned to suffering and collapse. it was that fear that made it real. maybe if i’d learned to manage that fear, though, things could have been different. would have been different.  it’s pointless to speculate on that though. the reason i say it isnt to speculate though, it’s because im trying to remind myself that it can apply to right now. the friendships and relationships i have now - few and far between as they may be, stretched thin as they may be, damaged and in dire need of repair as they may be - aren’t doomed to failure just because i’m afraid of loss and abandonment. the collapse doesnt have to be inevitable.  maybe talking like i’ve learned and figured something out from all this will make me feel better. maybe believing it all had a purpose will make it feel like it was worth it. eventually. right now, though, it doesnt.  i’m still so upset. i’m still miserable and i still long for things i can’t have. i miss affection. i miss being touched, even in a plain and nonsexual way. i miss being kissed and i miss being hugged. i miss being wanted, and every day i wonder if ill ever feel that again. and then i get to thinking, would it be enough to feel that from just anyone again? why do i feel so starved for... any kind of affection at all? why do i feel so desperate for something - anything like this? could anyone ever love me the way my ex did? i guess the cynical and plain answer to that is no, but thats okay. and maybe someone else can love me better. and maybe that desperate longing to be loved, cherished, cared about, touched, anything is just a symptom of an addiction that’s yet to pass. kind of a cold and clinical way to put it though, and i dont know if thats really me. yet i dont want someone else because its not enough to just have anyone. my ex left me, and now i still have that feeling of being invalidated, devalued, abandoned, and ultimately replaced. even if someone else came along and professed undying love for me, no matter how i welcomed it, that feeling of being tossed aside would remain. and i dont know how to come back from it.  i hate how much my mind... fixates on it. like... everything makes me think of it. i cant make a status on facebook without wondering if my ex will see it, what she might think. i cant leave my house and go somewhere without wondering, what if my ex sees me? what would she think of what im doing? would she approve, or be proud of me? would it impress her? or would it disappoint her? it saps the joy out of almost everything i do. i cant watch an old show without feeling bad im watching it without her. i cant help but wonder if she feels the same, or if shes gotten over it. and a part of me doesnt want to know the answer to that wonder. does she still listen to mili? coheed? does she listen to ‘old flames’ on repeat like i do? when ‘sweater weather’ comes on, does she think of me or someone else?  even now as i write this, i wonder if my ex still stops to peer at my dumb blog from time to time for a hint of how im doing and what im thinking. and i dont even know if id want to know, because seeing this message in that light casts a pall over it that makes me feel sick. i didnt want my ex to see how not okay i am. i didnt want her to see the part of me that feels so sick still. and i dont want to know that she doesn’t look at this either. so here i am at an impasse, writing words and tossing them into the void of the internet, hoping for and expecting only silence, while also hating and fearing the very same. id like to think that maybe this is a sign i dont care anymore, but i think i know better than to really believe that.  i force myself every day to just... not reach out. not say anything to her thats real or vulnerable - the few times ive talked to her it feels forced and fake. and it feels like ive cut off a limb, because im so used to leaning and relying on her. but i feel like i have to, because expecting that level of emotional labour from someone that has cut those ties with me seems silly and foolish... not to mention selfish.  why? maybe a part of me thinks that by hiding it, i’d win her back someday. or maybe im just afraid of being burdensome and difficult. or maybe i just... genuinely do want her to be happy without me. i wish it was that last one. i wish i could just back off and be happy that shes with someone else that maybe will treat her good in a way that i couldnt, or didnt.  i dont know what i want, though. i know what i dont want though. i know i hate feeling like this and i wish i could make it stop, but i cant. its not really getting easier. i had the borderline shit before this, and i could end up meeting the criteria my whole life for all i know. the breakup is just a massive complication in that whole mess, but i dont know if id even know what was wrong with me if i didnt have that relationship in the first place.  there was a day a few days ago, or maybe a week or two ago (i dont remember) where i wanted to hurt myself (not physically though for whatever reason), and in order to do it, i made myself do something i was starting to break the habit of doing. i browsed her facebook profile and scoured it for anything that’d make it sting again. i succeeded - it didnt take much. a few pictures, a relationship status change, that was pretty much it. my mind filled in the blanks after that because of course it did. it snowballed into full blown catastrophizing. they’re probably madly in love. they’re probably moving in together, if they havent’ already done so. they’re probably making plans to get married. they’re probably this and that and this and that - like it matters. like it affects me somehow.  but it doesnt. not really, not physically anyway. i dont have to look, and its like i hope not looking will make it hurt less. but not looking makes me hope, and hope has bred more hurt than anything else in the past year.  since i last looked her up in that fog of need to hurt myself emotionally, a lot of that dreadful hope i had that i could win her back drained away, and i want to believe that the pain will go away now. i havent talked to her since then. i still think about her. i still dream. i still fear and i still wonder and reflect. but i havent talked to her. is that good? is it bad? is it anything other than what it is? does it matter? maybe someday ill be over this. a part of me yearns for that. and a part of me is afraid to ever let go, because what if love wins in the end and all the time we had together meant something after all?  did it not mean anything if it didnt end up taking the shape i wanted it to take? no, it still meant something, but does that matter now?  i dont know. all i know is that to this day it hurts and... that’s all. thats all i know.  eleven months later and it still hurts. but i guess expecting it to be all better after 5 years of dating is a little unrealistic. i thought we were gonna be together forever. forever is a long time, though, i guess.  she makes it look easy, but maybe it isnt for her either, even if she’s better at making it look a certain way. i have no way of knowing and thats maddening in its own way. if i had the ability to close that distance... hear her out, be there for her, could i do it? could i get over my own fear and hurt to build a connection again? id love to find out. but i cant seem to get that far.  it doesnt matter though. its her life, and she has every right to move on without me. its easy to say ‘poor me’, but theres two sides to every story. a lot of pain that led up to the end. questions i still have that will never go answered, and closure i might not ever obtain.  ctrl+a, delete, backspace. that’s all it’ll take, tyler. then maybe you can sleep.  but no, instead you’re going to post this. for what? why? is it a cry for help? complaining for the sake of complaining?  i dont know. i cant leave it all in my own head though.  but the silence that i get back in response is liable to be deafening all the same  

[ajapablog]

Corona Chronicles IV and V

Two in one blogs are an indication that time has started to blur. It takes me a couple of seconds to remember what day it is. I also feel slightly unmotivated to blog because I am not sure anyone reads these and I actually had to ask a friend to read my latest posts to see if these were any good.  But I decided that I should do it for me. 

Otherwise, a routine and the sense of normalcy has started to kick in. Yesterday I sat at the desk doing work for around 6 hours with a couple of water and bathroom breaks in between. I managed to finish a 2-hour ethics and harassment training for my employers and I know now what the Clery Act is and I would know how to file a Title IX case if it ever came to that. So that’s work done! I still have to do my taxes!! 

In the evening yesterday, we ordered Mexican food and started watching Netflix’s latest offering: The Circle. The show has some really interesting characters trying to make it to the end of an experiment where people are eliminated based on interactions between each other through social media. These characters are in isolation so it definitely mimics our current state. This is indeed the time to watch shows about social experiments about isolation. The show Love is Blind is also pretty amazing.  Today began with an hour-and-half-long group work out session. We began with the first fitness test in something called insanity workout. The bald instructor keeps saying “boom boom,” so I have decided to affectionately name him uncle Boom Boom. I was almost  going to faint at some point in the middle of our fitness/cardio training so I am utterly out of shape. I haven’t swam in 3 weeks now. Then we moved on to pilates with a cheery lady who I haven’t had the chance to name yet. But she can talk non-stop while doing some pretty intense work-outs. I aspire to be like her. We ended with some self care yoga that left us feeling warm and fuzzy. As my roommate says, we still might have 2 years worth of pent up energy that needs to be spent. So the workouts will continue.  Grooming in times of Corona My scratchy throat is so much better; my stomach is also fine. I think it might have just been a case of not being conscientious about what I was eating. I am too scared to drink coffee. I have been eating more fruits. Although, a part of me is scared that I will soon run out of papayas and I definitely do not want to go out to get some more. But eating more fruits is good for the skin.  Speaking of which, I have not been great at maintaining a skincare routine since my mid twenties. I know how to but I haven’t been regular. A part of the problem is the fact that I don’t have the usual tools: surprisingly, I don’t have a mud face pack, aloe vera gel or rose water (things I always had at hand in my 20s). I ordered a vitamin C serum, some tea tree oil, a face pack and a cleansing brush on amazon to start a routine. There is no question of going swimming or to the gym but I’ll keep my legs smooth and shaven for myself, thank you very much. I plan to tint my hair with some henna that I bought ages ago. I’ll crack an egg in there, add some black tea and some coconut oil. The last time I did this hair routine, my hair was glowing. 

Grooming in the time of social isolation is  important because it is a reminder that we must take care of ourselves, for ourselves. It doesn’t matter if we can’t show off our silky hair and our painted nails to the world. We do, however, have to live with ourselves and it definitely helps if we look nice. 

In the News Younger Adults Make a Big Part of Covid-19 Hospitalizations in the US  The idea that young people with healthy immune systems will ride this wave has been in circulation for a while now. But the New York Times has a report that says that young people are indeed being hospitalized and have been grappling with the virus. The number of deaths among young people is lower than for the elderly but that doesn’t discount the fact that young people do indeed show symptoms of this coronavirus infection that lands them in the hospital. All the more reason to be cautious. See: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/18/health/coronavirus-young-people.html

Japanese Flu Vaccine Effective Against Coronavirus The Japanese-developed drug, to fight the latest strain of the influenza virus, Favipiravir or Avigan, has proved to be effective against a milder case of Covid-19 according to Chinese medical personnel. They say that the drug doesn’t do much to the more severe symptoms but the fact that it can be effective against milder symptoms is a welcome news. See: https://www.livescience.com/flu-drug-could-treat-coronavirus.html An Indian Cure? There have been news that Indian doctors in Jaipur made a cocktail of retroviral (HIV) drugs, influenza drugs and swine flu meds that cured an Italian patient of coronavirus. The fact that the antidote to this Covid 19 situation lies in the tweaking of existing antivirals, is highly probable. I know retro viruses and corona viruses are different but given that retroviral drugs have been used to “cure” something as tough as HIV, I wonder if there’s something about using these on corona viruses. What is slightly disconcerting to me is the fact that the international news has no coverage whatsoever of the happenings at Sawai Jai Singh hospital in Jaipur. I wonder if the West is not taking seriously the fact that Indian doctors are very likely to be able to treat patients with Covid-19. This is not coming from a sense of pride over South Asian know-how but from the experience of seeing the superiority of Indian medical personnel more generally from having lived in different countries in the course of my life so far.  See: https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/city/jaipur/city-docs-cure-corona-patient-with-hiv-drugs/articleshow/74584859.cms

Do not take Ibuprofen if you have Covid-19 symptoms Apparently, Ibuprofen is not the drug to take to relieve fever or pain symptoms related to Covid-19. The advice in the public sphere came from the French health minister, Olivier Véran who instructed everyone to take acetaminophen instead. NSAIDs apparently made symptoms worse. From the different things I’ve been reading, it seems like this disease has something to do with the inflammation-oxidation-immune systems in our body: which is pretty much every infection but if doctors could figure out the specificty of the mode through which this virus effects these interconnected systems, they could have the answer to what to do. Of course, all of this will take time. For now, I won’t take my favourite painkiller: Flexon—a beautiful cocktail of paracetamol and ibuprofen, if I feel feverish or feel pain. See: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/17/health/coronavirus-ibuprofen.html

Women fare Worse than Men in Epidemics and Pandemics The social scientific community has been talking a lot about how the pandemic and the practices of social isolation has the effect of reconstituting older social hierarchies. This is the case with gender as well with women having to stay in abusive homes, having to rely on men, do more labor, etc. See: https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2020/03/feminism-womens-rights-coronavirus-covid19/608302/

The Sky is Falling: Says a NY Doctor A New York doctor wrote that she might sound alarmist but the case is worrying and as a medical personnel who sees life and death situations everyday, this moment is particularly panic-inducing. She says that she is not confident about the medical profession and the infrastructure to be able to take on the surge capacity of this pandemic. She says that there will in two weeks arise a situation where doctors here in the US will have to make life or death judgements. Her insistence that we must be careful is important. See: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/19/opinion/coronavirus-doctor-new-york.html

[wildbery]

ive been reading sooo much fic lately which was great but I fell into a wormhole where I went back to old fandoms on the archive and went back thru old stuff and pairings I used to chug down and it was very weird and surreal.. it made me realize how much time I’ve spent devoting myself 2 diff fandom pairings and just like entrenching myself in that little world before moving on. N While realizing that it reminded me of how LOMG I have had this blog and it’s very many and diverse iterations. Idk. Weird to think I’ve been on this site since I was 12/13 and now I’m almost 18..

[greeds]

guess what lads!! i think im gonna delete the mobile app. its uglie and i hate new tagging system which forces me, every time i make a goddamn post, to come face to face with the oldest and ugliest show i used to blog about on this fucking hell site......even after i deleted all the fucking posts....every single one of them....

[a-for-anne-blog-blog]

My Rather Long Review of Everyone’s 5 Blog Choices

I. Cool Class Blogs 1. Aapeli R:  All-thats-interesting   2. Missy : Boston &  Boston City Archives 3. Michele : Health and fitness motivator & endless puppies 4. Marc: sailnavy 5. Michael: American Great Outdoors, Wooden dreams, This is Why Your Fat 6. Zoe: Zelda-fitzgerald, everthingfox, fashion 7. Jesper: Cartoonpolitics, ifpaintingscouldtext 8. Julius: smartstockcharts 9. M. Karow: killarhouses & obsessedwithgoldens 10. Casey: BostonBruins & Positivityadvocate

II. The Top 8

The Top ones for me  in descending order are : 1.  Ifpaintingscouldtext, 2. Boston City Archives, 3.  Health and Fitness Motivator, 4. American Great Outdoors, 5. Cartoon Politics, 6. Positivity Advocate, 7. Sail Navy &  8. killarhouses

b. More in-depth  

So as I did this post a little early, I didn’t get to catch everyone’s blog following so there may or may not be an update to this post. I am going to start in this paragraph by just doing a rundown reaction to all the cool class blogs I saw. First  All thats interesting  followed by Aapeli, I thought was a bit odd but interesting it sort of had a rabbit hole effect in that you wanted to understand what you were seeing or to actually see more. Second Missy followed the Boston page which also being a fellow Bostonian I think you forget sometimes to really appreciate whats around you and its beauty like train tracks over Chestnut Hill Station, Ive seen a hundred times quickly driving by but really seeing it from this photographers angle makes you think about it differently, so I loved that! Missy also followed Boston City Archives, which I found to be super interesting, you learn so much about the cities history its crazy to see how drastic it has changed since the 19th century and all the documents are in themselves just wicked cool! Next Michele followed Health and Fitness Motivator, which I found the graphics to be perhaps an effective visual that could inspire me to actually work out and make miracles happen. She also followed endless puppies and really who would complain about that lovely dose of cuteness every other day! Next I salute Marc’s interest in SailNavy very noble and an interesting page with what looks like a lot of good information about sailing and the Navy. At number five we have Michael who followed American Great Outdoors which having been to Yellowstone , The Grand Canyon , & The Badlands , I can attest to their beauty and I personally love to learn about them and have a desire to see many more and Yellowstone again because it was maybe some of the best days of my life at least thus far, so great page haha! He then followed Wooden dreams which is a cool page about nature which I think is awesome because nature is awesome so 100 points to you sir haha ! Last one that I thought was cool that Michael followed was This is Why Your Fat and everyone likes food but that is just such a funny but true title that I was like wow haha I have to like this one too good! Then I moved to Zoe’s and I have to say at first I go really excited when I saw Zelda Fitzgerald but although it is not really related to Scott’s wife it is still a pretty good page with great photography as did the other page she followed everything fox which is another awesome name for a blog and a cool invite into foxes!?! Lastly Zoe followed Fashion which is one of my biggest passions , you may not be able to tell by the way I rock sweats and oversize sweaters now days but tis true, I am all about the ever evolving art of dress. Next I looked at Jesper’s followings and I was a fan of both CartoonPolitics and Ifpaintingscouldtext, both are really different, interesting, out of the box, witty, funny and creative! I then moved to Julius who followed smartstockcharts and I thought that was an interesting, different and practical choice. Next up is Michael K. Who like a few others also gushed over puppies because you really can’t go wrong and I appreciated Killarhouses living with an architect and being into different houses which are really a functional art and many of them are really beautiful so that was cool.  Last but not least is Casey who followed the Boston Bruins which is of course a good choice haha and I really like positive advocates because it was bright , colorful, different and sometimes its just nice to have a reminder that you’ve got this so I liked that. And thats a VERY long wrap run down on every ones now Ill briefly, if possible for me, talk about my favs!

So here comes the favorites rundown and hopefully this will be a lot shorter! First my absolute favorite was ifpaintingscouldtext, I just thought that was really humorous and creative its different and it brings a lot of thought and positive energy to it! I also love art so that may be another reason I appreciate that as well! Second was Boston City Archives, because first off I didn’t even know or would have never thought of that as a blog and I just find that wicked cool and interesting, a really great resource to be able to look at some of those documents in a tech public environment ! Third up is Health and Fitness Motivator, I mean the graphics were just so convincing! I wanted to get a smoothie wear Lulu lemon and jump on a treadmill after looking at the posts haha so it could be effective and if nothing else inspirational! American Great Outdoors is another blog I never would have thought to look up but in which I think any one can really find a sense of beauty and value in, they truly are remarkable and I love to learn about them so I thought it was a great pick! Next up is Cartoon Politics which was another out of the box kind of pick but one that is creative, witty and you can in someways learn from it so I thought it was interesting pick! Positive Advocates was another great page I really loved the artsy graphics, the color schemes and the overall joyful positivity which I think is important to see and hear !  SailNavy was another page I wouldn’t have thought of but it is also really interesting and a chunk of history in public domain which is really nice and it also teaches viewers a little about Navy ships which being more into sailing and different kinds of ships I found that to be interesting and then the fact that it has also a personal tie I thought was rather noble. Lastly, Killarhouse I liked because the art of architecture and it's the sort of page I thought about following myself because as I said earlier there really is a beauty to a building and so many dimensions and ways to see it and then of course we also use and live within these spaces of art so its kinda interesting and cool to look at.

III. In common with Me

1. Travel Blogs - Michele & Marc? 2. Music and quotes is a page I followed last class as I also love music Michele & Marc? 3.  Memes or Jokes - Zoe, Julius,  Marc , M. Karow & Casey ( I think Casey and I followed the same joking page!?!) 4.  Inspirational Quotes - Marc and I

b. More In-depth

It was funny this time around how many people were thinking the same things I was compared to the last class! This time Both Michele , I think Marc and I followed a travel blog. All three of us also followed the same page Music and Quotes , I followed that last class but found it to be a good page and kinda funny that people in this class found it to be as interesting as I did kinda a coincidental moment. Both Marc and I followed Inspirational quote pages which was pretty cool. And lastly soooo many people followed either meme or joking pages Zoe, Julius, Marc, Michael, Casey and I so I guess they are on board with wanting to have the craic ! And thats a finally a wrap guys on blog reactions!

[definingvalue-blog]

Architecture Activism & Brutalism. Birmingham Central Library Campaign Case Study (Part IV)

The outcomes of the campaign

(Image 4.1 ‘Members of the public and students joined Birmingham Against The Cuts in public spending affecting the new Library of Birmingham’)

New library with new problems

The new library of Birmingham was finally completed in 2013 officially costing an astounding £188 million, and shortly after its triumphal opening started suffering from financial shortcomings caused by higher than expected operating costs of £10m per year, private investment shortfall which was initially a big plan for council and considerable repayment of £12m per year for its projected total cost of £500m for construction over next 40 years as a result of council’s short-sighted borrowing policy and desire for the new development [1],[2]. After visiting the new library in 2015, Lynsey Hanley from the Guardian, pointed out that current cost saving measures already resulted in official appeal to public for book donation (image 4.2) after halting purchase order budget, reduced working hours, large cuts of trained staff and early signs of run down facilities around the building as a clear representation that council’s ‘enterprise has been falling to bits’.[3] The local council budget cuts eventually caused local people to protest on the street a few times since 2015 (Image 4.1), who demanded to stop these policies that affect the work of new library. Although if we allow for some cynicism in here, perhaps they should have been more vocal to save the old building at the first place that may have been not ‘pretty enough’, but yet was serving its purpose for the public for almost 40 years. It is now undebatable that these current problems were predicted by experts and could have been avoided if the old building had been retained and expanded as suggested by campaigners. Quite notably, by the end of 2015 the vast of demolition proponents including the city council Mike Whitby, regeneration chief Clive Dutton, chief librarian Brian Gambles, and the Argent’s chief Gary Taylor have left their high posts - quite possibly moving their reputations away from this controversial decision and leaving newly elected leaders to deal with the outcomes.[4] Therefore, replacing the old public building with a new one may not be the success regeneration plan that local councils were expecting afterwards.

(Image 4.2 ‘The brand new library of Birmingham is now asking local folks to donate books and other publications’)

Reminder for others

The truly damaging outcome of campaign failure was the destruction of a large concrete building that barely served its users for 40 years, leaving hundreds of tons of concrete rubble whilst local newspapers were proudly reporting on every demolition milestone celebrating the total council’s victory over its conscience.[5] There was still a very weak chance for the building to be saved in January 2015, as the campaigners had submitted the third application for listing straight after the certificate of immunity would have expired on 11th of January.[6] Although the new city council proceeded with the demolition immediately prior to the activists' last attempt to save the structure, and the Birmingham Central Library has finally made to the top ten list of ‘Lost Modern’ UK buildings issued by The Twentieth Century Society, that aims to raise awareness of potential risk to modernist heritage.[7] This list (Image 4.3) is a valuable reminder to prospecting conservation architects and campaigners about the present reality of modernism preservation in the UK, that may stimulate a bigger debate for a change in listing processes in the future.

(Image 4.3 ‘Screenshot of the Lost Modern list from the C20 Society page, which aims to raise awareness of this threat to modernist heritage’)

Talk less, post more

The campaign was a valuable lesson for both the campaigners and their opponents. If the latter demonstrated a rather reactionary judgement on heritage without really being publically confronted for their own words such as, for example, Coun Whitby’s disregard of the building listing legal outcomes. On the contrary, the activists were operating with facts, but not particularly well established or active within social media at the beginning of the campaign operating mostly through local newspapers, which is still a present challenge for their new Brutiful Brum blog, currently displaying lack of action. As a result, this research was dependent on material that was sourced from various local news rather than disappeared or inactive personal blogs of campaigners, who were directly involved in the process. In the article Saving Buildings With Social Media published in the New Yorker, architecture critic Alexandra Lange suggests that in addition to attractive speculations of the forgotten value of those at-risk buildings through b&w or before/after pictures online, the more effective measure would be to expose the actual demolition in its gruesome irreversible action, explaining that ‘the dailiness, even hourliness, of social media makes it a perfect vehicle for documenting each thump of the wrecking ball, each crunch of the backhoe. Its visual slant is ideal for activism wrapped up in pictures’.[8] In the Birmingham case, the local newspapers succeeded more in keeping antagonists visually satisfied with regular demolition updates (Image 4.4 & 4.5) rather than activists or local citizens, who were deeply concerned about the environmental impact of this decision and yet didn’t mention a glimpse of the destruction they opposed. Arguably, if the local people once again had had a chance to see more visual (photographic or video) evidence of the active use of the former central library building timely when it wasn't too late, they would be more nostalgic and sympathetic towards saving it. (Image 4.5)

(Image 4.4 & 4.5 ‘The examples of exciting video showing how the destruction of Birmingham Central Library has been attracting attention of readers online’

Publication

With regard to previous notable Brutalist campaign outcomes, quite a few of them were recorded with book publications chronologically describing context of the full story with agencies and outcomes, spruced up with some additional interesting architectural or historic material which is usually underused with polemical craze. Previously C20 Society have published a book called Robin Hood Gardens: Re-Visions by Alan Powers about the history of the Smithsons designed estate and reflective essays on its architectural importance, including sketches and never seen photographs from the architect’s personal archives that celebrate the building which was about to disappear.[9] In case of the Birmingham campaign framework, Alan Clawley, who has been known for advocating this building for more than a decade in December 2015 released a book titled Library Story: A History of Birmingham Central Library prior to the imminent demolition of the 42 years old iconic building. In the review by C20 Society, the book is ‘much about the myths, propaganda and blinkered thinking that allowed the power-brokers of Birmingham to destroy one of Britain’s most significant modernist buildings’.[10] According to Mike Fox's review from SaveBritBlog, despite its generally engaging storyline about the campaigners attempts, he points out occasional lack of objectivity, tiresome extensive portrayal of events in comparison to descriptions of significant architectural qualities of the building and lack of illustration material that all could help to emphasise such a dedication over these years.[11] Arguably, publishing the book about the lost building is in a certain way ensuring that the legacy would be saved and could be reflected on in the future campaigns. In the case of Save Dunelm House campaign, it would be useful to create a piece of written work that could reflect on events and work that has been already undertaken by people who worked during the campaign.

(Image 4.6 ‘The Library Story: a history of Birmingham Central Library by Alan Clawley’ 

(Image 4.7 - Birmingham Central Library decanted interiors were used for filming MI5 HQ in BBC2 TV series The Game )

Visual documentary

The very last public worldwide appearance of the Birmingham Central library was in 2015 when decanted for demolition. The building was suddenly chosen as filming location of MI5 building in London in BBC2 TV series The Game, where the 1970’s Brutalist interiors of the spy headquarters were perfectly accomplishing the right atmosphere for the Gold War period (Image 4.7).[12] Undoubtedly, this helped to commemorate the building in popular TV series, even if it cannot be considered as a preservation measure. The other interesting visual outcome of this campaign inspired an artist and independent filmmaker Andy Howlett to start working on his own documentary film Paradise Lost: History in the Un-Making (Image 4.8) after visually recording material about the building for three years. According to artist’s film page on Indiegogo platform, the film ‘has been investigating the untimely demise of Birmingham's iconic Central Library…amassed a wealth of footage, spoken to an array of experts and eccentrics, and filled several notebooks with theories, insights and revelations’.[13] In recent interview with Electrolyte Magazine, Howlett stated that the upcoming movie is not exclusively about the history of the building and Utopian vision for Paradise Circus area, but ‘it is a psycho-geographical survey of Paradise Circus’ that aims to work out this public place by personally experiencing it with building, and he is concerned that after redevelopment ‘it won’t be public land, it’ll all be private... that’s a big theme of the film, the selling of public space’ calling it the ‘blandadisation’.[14] The rough cut of the film will be demonstrated this September as part of the nationwide Scalarama Festival. This documentary outcome is particularly interesting to reflect upon as our group has focused to produce our own documentary film on Dunelm House that could be extended into something more polemical and artistic in case of unfortunate scenario with Save Dunelm House campaign. Alike with Howlett’s film about the library and surrounding it controversy, the film can become both – a creative final tribute piece and testament to Dunelm House, memorizing its significance, presence and agencies, which were involved at opposite sides of its preservation story. We might consider an opportunity to contact the artist to learn more from his personal experience on working on such a project.

(Image 4.8 ‘Paradise Lost: History in the Un-Making’) 

Memorabilia

Another interesting outcome originating from our popular culture is memorising architecture similarly to notable places we visit while travelling - in a form of various merchandise that brings some notable demolished Brutalist buildings back to life on mugs, individual artists prints and other pricey memorabilia that further re-surges interest of public. In case of Birmingham’s disappearing modernist heritage, in May 2016 the Birmingham-based architectural and urban designer group Space_Play launched a project BRUTAL BRUM that celebrates iconic demolished modernist buildings as wooden laser-cut artworks or concrete casts of Madin’s Central Library (Image 4.8) and other notable buildings reminding of their disregarded social value.[15],[16] Even if this can be considered as a commercialist way of approaching the subject of heritage, it is still worth reflecting on if it is used the right way. For example, The Dunelm House campaign was providing handmade prints issued by local artists in exchange for some money donation to run high-profile campaign and events in the future, so no one at the end would feel disillusioned with efforts to save the building.[17]

(Image 4.9 ‘Central Library handmade plaster cast by SPACE_PLAY celebrating demolished building as home decoration)

Establishing local preservation action group

Finally, this campaign also raised more interest to Birmingham’s still surviving mid-century architecture attracting less radical and more constructive opinions about cities modernist heritage with new enthusiastic people to get involved into various preservation efforts for the future. The established during campaign to preserve Central library group ‘Brutiful Birmingham’ aims to turn its attention to Smallbrook Queensway and other notable modernist architecture at risk in Birmingham hoping they can negotiate with the planning authorities and developers to influence future potential redevelopment projects with these buildings (Image 4.10).[18]

(Image 4.10 ‘the Brutiful Brum campaign group on Twitter’)

Reference list

[1] http://www.thestateofthearts.co.uk/features/library-birmingham-commerce-cuts-spectacle/

[2] https://www.birminghampost.co.uk/news/local-news/shortfall-private-investment-library-birmingham-7952854

[3] https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/aug/14/birmingham-city-library-cuts-lynsey-hanley

[4] http://thebirminghampress.com/2015/10/the-last-of-the-wreckers/

[5] https://www.birminghampost.co.uk/business/commercial-property/watch-central-library-demolition-nearing-11567872

[6] https://c20society.org.uk/regions/brutiful-campaign-group-fight-on-for-madins-library/

[7] https://c20society.org.uk/lost-modern/

[8] https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/makes-building-worth-saving

[9] http://www.d-talks.com/2011/02/robin-hood-gardens-re-visions/

[10] https://c20society.org.uk/publications/c20-magazine/c20-magazine-2016-01/review-library-story-a-history-of-birmingham-central-library/

[11] https://savebritblog.wordpress.com/2016/03/01/book-review-library-story-a-history-of-birmingham-central-library/

[12] http://www.filmbirmingham.co.uk/news/filmed-in-birmingham-bbc2-the-game-starts-tonight/

[13] https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/paradise-lost-history-in-the-un-making#/

[14] https://www.brumpic.com/birmingham-on-film-paradise-lost/2017/4/17/birmingham-on-film-paradise-lost

[15] http://www.space-play.co.uk/birmingham-central-library/

[16] http://babmag.co.uk/space-play-brutal-brum/

[17] https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/save-dunelm-house-donate

[18] http://brutifulbirmingham.blogspot.com/

Image list

4.1 - https://thisisbirmingham.files.wordpress.com/2015/04/library-of-birmingham-occupation-rally-6-folob.jpg

4.2 - https://cdn.images.express.co.uk/img/dynamic/1/590x/The-Library-of-Birmingham-opened-in-2013-and-cost-188-million-597985.jpg

4.3 - https://c20society.org.uk/lost-modern/ (screenshot)

4.4 - https://www.expressandstar.com/news/2016/07/30/watch-birmingham-central-library-demolition-in-90-seconds/ (screenshot)

4.5 - https://www.expressandstar.com/news/2016/07/30/watch-birmingham-central-library-demolition-in-90-seconds/ (screenshot)

4.6 - http://paradisecircus.com/files/2016/01/FullSizeRender-1024x768.jpg

4.7 - https://ichef.bbci.co.uk/images/ic/896x504/p02h796n.jpg

4.8 - https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/paradise-lost-history-in-the-un-making#/ (screenshot)

4.9 - https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DLWnCwGW0AASPkt.jpg 

4.10 - https://twitter.com/brutifulbrum?lang=en (screenshot)