#ridley on left

[swimmingcreatortyrant]

[pansylair]

pov last thing you see before you perish via homosexual cowboy posse (ocs)

[mad-scientist-showdown]

[jebtruther]

Hi

[pulchritudinous-plants]

also i don’t think willa and charlene ever have a conversation that passes the bechdel test throughout the entire series

like near every time they have a conversation it revolves around the boys. either their romantic relationships with them or in a ‘oh the boys don’t respect us’ kinda way

like ngl ridley can not be trusted with female characters and relationships especially ones involving charlene. like he’s always doing charlene and willa or charlene and amanda dirty just based on the fact that they’re girls and apparently have to always be competing with each other in one way or another

[ceaselesswwatch3r]

thank you random person on tumblr for introducing me to case 63 i am now confused and comparing beatrix and peter to reagan and ron

[vazaez]

I finally watched inside job part 2 and i realized I've never drawn Reagan

She just like me fr

[tenpixelsusie]

quick comparison of my first reagan piece to my most recent !

[moxidi-fanarts-and-sketches]

The dorks for the challenge!! Inside job part two where are youuuuuuu

[swimmingcreatortyrant]

🃏they🃏

[suddenrundown]

working on finding more dnd groups to play with but i just realized that means that i have to create another dnd character. and im realizing im not that creative at character creation (or really have any ideas for one at all)

[withbeastsarc]

the bragin children have such good examples of love now but its only fitting they should struggle in the beginning as their parents did

[lonelypep]

every smash bros character ranked by how good of a cook i think they’d be.

82: piranha plant

eating this dish will kill you instantly. turns out he spit some poison in there while no one was looking. and yeah, that sucks, but if you even accepted a meal from this guy i think you have bigger problems

81: ridley.

let’s be real, if you let this guy into the kitchen, you made a huge mistake. it’s like john mulaney’s horse in a hospital sketch: you never know what he’s gonna do next. you’re too focused on getting him out.

80: king k rool.

king k rool is many things. a king, a pirate, a scientist. but he is not a cook. he’ll try, but he has literally no clue what he’s even doing in the kitchen.

79: yoshi

yoshi will give you a dish and you’ll be like “what the fuck is this” and he’ll talk about how it was made from the finest newborns of his home planet. i’m deciding to ignore it but it’s really nagging at me.

78: sonic

sonic shouldn’t be on this list. because he wouldn’t make you any food. he’ll go to the local sonic and get a burger in about 3 minutes. it sucks. disqualified.

77: pac man

what can i say. it tastes like literal plastic. i don’t even wanna know how he made it. i’ll give it back to him but the nice thing about pac man is he wouldn’t give a shit.

76: bowser jr.

fuck this guy. he rage quit at making a grilled cheese. now there’s a literal canonball in the stove. now no one else can use it!! this is what happens when you spoil kids.

75: pikachu/pichu

these two are in the same category since they’d make the same thing. they’d get store bought french fries and fry them with lighting outside. it’s consistent, it works, just not really filling. and they don’t know how to make anything else.

74. wario

don’t get me wrong: he knows what he’s doing. he’s the burger king of smash. he’s this low because the burger is the most unhealthy shit you’ll ever have. eating it gave you chronic diarrhea, gastrointestinal issues, and permanently damaged your taste buds. but god fucking damn was it a good burger.

73. hero

he gave you a single piece of bread with butter on it. it’s not bad but…really dude?

72: olimar

he didn’t make you a bad meal, in fact it was one of the best here. but that’s because he didn’t make you something. it was the pikmin and he’s trying to pass it off as his own and the pikmin don’t know because they don’t speak english. 0/10: not fucking cool dude.

71: kazuya

honestly? i don’t trust this guy. i was too intimidated to even ask his name. from what i can gather no one even invited him to the party he just showed up and made a mediocre meal. what’s weird: someone came into the kitchen and claimed this guy killed their whole family. we never saw that guy again. needless to say, kazuya wasn’t invited to the afterparty.

70: link (botw)

don’t get me wrong here, link is a five star chef. he’s just really unsanitary. apparently he cut the meat and vegetables with the same sword he killed calamity ganon with. i don’t wanna taste that guy!! have you seen him?? not to mention he pulled the meal out of his pants. i don’t even know how it fit in there.

69: inkling

she made a pancake and i thought it was good! but i absolutely can’t condone this. inkling left so much fucking weird slime and shit all over my house. and got really competitive when she heard i was getting meals from everyone else. i hope they’re all ok.

68: ROB

it was so processed. the most processed food i’ve ever had in my entire life. it’s not his fault, rob is a great guy. but this tasted like literally nothing.

67: ice climbers

when they told me they were making dessert, i trusted them. but i let someone else taste test first. my best friend was sent to the hospital because of tongue frostbite. didn’t even know that was a thing. i made the ice climbers pay for it (they’re fucking loaded)

66: villager

he made isabelle do it. and she made something great! but i’m not giving this cretin credit for having the money to afford a five star chef. you don’t deserve it because you sold a shit ton of tarantulas villager!!

65: lucario.

dude got really mad and destroyed my kitchen. he’s REALLY lucky he got the burger PERFECTLY cooked.

64: male byleth.

like this dude knows how to cook. he can barely make chicken nuggets. he has to eat in the school cafeteria simply because he never learned how to cook a simple meal. but he’s a really nice guy. total himbo. love him.

63: ryu

i asked this guy what he likes to eat. big mistake. he then went on to say that his training regiment doesn’t condone copious indulgence (his words) and he lives off of nothing but protein shakes. you do you i guess.

62-61: fox/falco

these two went into the kitchen and came out with weird alien food. i didn’t eat it but everyone else seemed to enjoy it

60: greninja

when he first came out i was so excited. he came out with the most finely sliced food i had ever seen in my entire life. but it was soooo watered down. everything tasted like celery. how do you make crab taste like celery?? how??!

59-58: simon/richter

these guys both made the same exact fish recipe, came out at the same time, and proceeded to fight each other. i didn’t get to try any 😭

57-49: every fire emblem character.

genuinely, i can’t tell these guys apart. or their food choices. honestly, my bad. i’m sure they’re good. but where do i even start.

48: sheik

she doesn’t know how to cook. she kidnapped someone else. normally i wouldn’t put someone like that this high but a. i have gender envy b. it’s for the greater good (or so she said)

47: cloud

dude made a great sandwich but he kept screaming random noises while he did. personally, i’m just glad he managed not to destroy the kitchen. that’s a first here.

46: captain falcon

he promised he’d pick up some pizza but got into a car crash on the way there. eventually he got there after the car crash was all sorted out, but got into ANOTHER on the way back. i’m honestly kind of impressed

45: steve

steve could cook an absolutely fucking KILLER meal. he’ll even offer to do it for free. but you shouldn’t let him under any circumstances. he took 13 hours gathering materials and while the wait was, arguably, worth it, i never want to experience it again. (side note: we asked captain falcon to get some pizza while waiting which led to the aforementioned entry)

44: sora

sora doesn’t know how to cook but he’s by far the biggest name at this party. everyone fucking loves him. he’s friends with GOOFY. this dude hangs out with GOOFY. this guys has hung out with GOOFY AND jack sparrow. bad food but i could listen to this guy talk for hours about his story. i’m sure i’ll understand it all.

43-40: pokémon trainer

this guys organization is fucking atrocious. if he can actually get his shit together he’ll cook up some nice vegetarian meals, but that’s a big if.

HONORABLE MENTION: sans mii gunner

sans undertale is a world renowned, famous chef. his recipes are simple, but cooked with such love, care, and finess it turns a simple cheeseburger into a masterpiece. sans undertale would easily top this list. sans mii gunner is not sans undertale. he bought the real sans’ cookbook and thinks he’s some kind of cooking genius. and sure he’s got the recipes but none of the skill to actually make it.

39-38: samus/zero suit samus

hooray! we’re out of bad cook options now. samus is a great cook, but she’s so used to her alien delicacies she doesn’t know how to cook on earth anymore. shame, but i trust her to produce something edible.

37: shulk

he is really good at the grill. unfortunately, he refused to put a shirt on and made everyone a little uncomfy. that being said, he showed me the beach boys and i had never listened to them before. so he gets points.

36-35: pit/dark pit

these guys don’t know how to cook but the flew into the sky and killed some mythical bird for everyone to eat. i couldn’t have any, i’m pescatarian, but everyone else loved it.

34: bayonnetta

she opened a portal to a waffle house and a bunch of demons came flying out. she didn’t make anything, but honestly, absolutely legendary experience that was.

33: duck hunt

you’d think a dog wouldn’t bring anything meaningful. this would be false. that is the freshest duck i’ve ever seen in my entire life. (didn’t eat it: pescatarian)

32: king dedede

he made his legendary homemade mashed potatoes. everyone loved them. so creamy… weirdly perfect. too bad i hate the monarchy. sorry bud.

31: meta knight

meta knight is a great cook and should be higher. but i don’t want him to be. because he’s so fucking pretentious. he sliced all the food in front of everyone and wouldn’t shut up about radiohead. hate this guy.

30-29: daisy/peach

these two put all their private chefs together to make something for everyone. great catering, great food, but they didn’t technically make it. love them.

28: mewtwo

as if mewtwo wouldn’t just read someone’s mind and cook something. but it’s not mewtwo’s food…so…. sorry dude you cheated.

27: dark samus

she really surprised me here. she cooked up the most exquisite alien delicacies i’ve ever tasted in my entire life. should be higher. but unfortunately, i had to get a space parasite removed from my system by regular samus. honestly though… it was worth it.

26: ganon

he was rude to everyone about his cooking skills and wouldn’t stop bragging. asshole am i right? but surprised everyone by grilling his god damn heart out. he’s a bad try hard but like go off i guess.

25: isabelle

she’s trying her absolute fucking best and she deserves the world here. amazing cook, we need to save her from the island.

24: little mac

dude went so hard. brought new york pizza ALL THE WAY FROM NEW YORK. ok, not literally, but he made a damn good pizza

23: snake

full disclosure: snake doesn’t know how to cook. also no one knows he’s an agent. but he has to cook to blend in so you BEST BELIEVE this man is going to COOK like his life depends on it.

22-20: young link, ness, and lucas

all these guys are incredibly mature for their age. surprised everyone at this party. i had deep and philosophical conversations with all of them about appreciating life. i fucking cried. oh and they made everyone sandwiches, and even took my pescatarianism into account.

19: rosalina

she brought weird space ice cream and i felt my mind expanding as i ate it. love her.

18: mr game and watch

he feels like everyone’s dad! and he’s one of those cooks who cooks in front of everyone. dude flung his meals onto everyone’s plates expertly. love him.

17: joker

originally much lower on this list, joker showed up at my house and attempted to make a grilled cheese and made the worst thing i’ve ever taste. then he said something about gru from despicable me and stood in the corner for an hour. originally i had him towards the bottom but then he doordashed five gigantic burgers, ate all of them in one sitting, and then made me an expensive curry that tasted fantastic. dude went hard.

it was at this point i realized i made a mistake with the numbers. like hell if i’m going to fix the whole thing.

22: zelda

she made some weird food but damn was it pretty to look at! crystals, magic power, i mean good vibes all around here.

21-20: pyra and mythra

i feel like i should put them here since they’re confirmed to be good cooks in the game. but between you and me, i didn’t invite them. i’d consider some entries before this to be better cooks but at this point i’ve been working on this list for 8 hours i do not wanna go back and fix things please i mean this whole list is a joke no one should take this seriously

19: banjo and kazooie

these guys can fucking cook. they’ve been living on their own for a while so it makes sense but it still surprises me. they made a really big stew and even brought free puzzle games.

18: wolf

GRILL MASTER. dude knows what he’s doing on that thing. i’ve never seen better spatula work. holy shit.

17: kirby

kirby came in with some weird blonde hair and made some FANTASTIC ribs (that i didn’t have bc i’m pescatarian). weirdly, gordon ramsey went missing the same day…. i’m sure it means nothing.

16: mario

dude made some absolutely spectacular spaghetti. but he kept talking about how great he is and it really off put some people. kinda weird dude.

15: dr mario. dude brought 50 apples to the potluck. guess he doesn’t wanna see anyone in the office. and he didn’t because we ate them all. take that.

14: min min

she brought some soup dumplings which a lot of people hadn’t had! love her. literally fantastic. she had a whole arm for cooking. that’s what we call efficient.

13: ken

he’s kenough. he is amazing at barbecue. he can cook things with his hands, juggle, also he’s just a fun presence. (i made him make fake meat burgers for me)

12: jigglypuff

she showed up with so many pastries. like so many. not only that, but they were decorative!! she put so much work into that. love her.

11: luigi

he tried to make spaghetti like his brother but a literal fucking meteor slammed into his pot and cracked it. tough luck. then he offered to pay and i refused, but went out and got me some really expensive spaghetti anyways! he’s such a nice guy!! shouldn’t be this high… but i love this guy so much. he’s trying his hardest and i respect that.

10: toon link

toon link didn’t actually make anything. but his mom came and made everyone a salad. and honestly! his mom is some great company. she had so many interesting stories about his childhood. honestly she added so much to the function

9: terry

he is the BARBECUE MASTER!!!! literally what the hell how is he so good! everyone at the party kinda stereotyped him but he’s really really progressive with his views which you wouldn’t think for a big barbecue muscle guy in a baseball cap but everyone loved this guy.

8: mega man

the MASTER CHEF!! literally. he was on master chef. he uses thin round blades to slice vegetables, heats things perfectly, has an instance knowledge of spices, just damn. this guy knows what he’s doing.

7-6: bowser and donkey kong

common misconception: everyone thinks these two would have no idea how to cook. but these are FAMILY GUYS HERE!! they’re providing for absolutely gigantic families, these fuckers know how to make a sandwich and they did. initially they started off making separate sandwiches but they have a really similar recipe and decided to work together. and i really respect that. also turns out peach is just bowser’s kids’ babysitter.

5: palutena.

everyone expected her to show up with some absolutely mystical food. naturally, she showed up with the literal ambrosia of the gods. holy shit. unfortunately, she didn’t put as much effort into it as she could’ve.

4: sephiroth.

ok this guy didn’t really cook anything amazing. but his sheer fucking commitment to the vibe is literally legendary. this man has a long as sword he cut 10 veggies at a time with. he heat them with magic world ending fire. when he was done in the kitchen he surrounded himself with fire and gazed menacingly at me. his sheer commitment to the edge lord aesthetic is truly exemplary.

3: incineroar.

THE GRILLING GOAT!! this man is a grill master. he was prepared to grill ANYTHING. and i mean anything. fish, veggies, meat, fucking grilled cheese. love this guy.

2: wii fit trainer

she made the most well balanced and healthy salad i’ve ever had. and she made it taste extraordinary. she can be a little intense about fitness but i’ve never had a healthier meal in my life. it immediately lowered my extremely high cholesterol.

1. diddy kong

he’s about ten. he made you a pb&j. he had homework to do, but he made you a pb&j. he didn’t have to. he wasn’t asked to. he just wanted to make you a pb&j. he could’ve done anything else but he made you a pb&j. what heartless monster wouldn’t accept it.

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 78)

Alexia Putellas x Character (34)

Masterlist (other parts here)

((**Lil one - 1.4k**))

ALEXIA POV

Alexia went still, her whole body frozen. Ridley was there. On her knees. Staring up at Alexia. Those dark eyes troubled, her hair its usual messy and perfect look, and her smell. Fuck. Her lips. Fuck. That scar. Fuck. Ridley.

How did she-? It was an airline. Of course she knew. And she was probably also responsible for their upgrade to first class.

Ridley reached up slowly and pulled Alexia’s noise cancelling headphones down and around her neck with a gentleness that seemed to be only for her.

“La Reina..”

“Ridley..” She breathed. Who was she kidding? She was never going to get over her.

They were silent for a few moments, just taking each other in. Alexia unclipped her belt to lean forward, closer to her. The need to touch her and be touched by her was almost too much to bear.

“You left,” she whispered, hurt.

“I did.”

“You fucking left, Ridley.”

Ridley nodded, leaning closer to her also. “I’m sorry, Lee.” Her finger tips brushed Alexia’s hair from her cheek and just that small touch send shivers down her spine.

“I need to say something, if you’d let me.”

Did she deserve that? “Go ahead.”

“I ran… I ran, and I’m sorry. You deserve better.” Ridley was being vulnerable with her which made Alexia just want to touch her, anywhere, in support. To feel her skin on her own and make sure it was real. That she was real. “Lex… you can’t understand how torn I am… how conflicted. Half of me wants you to leave and find happiness elsewhere, away from me, so I don’t taint your beautiful soul with my darkened one. The other half begs for you, yearns for you, dreams about you and selfishly wants you close to me, always.”

“You always said that you weren’t good for me, but I never believed you. I still don’t.”

Ridley sighed, looking down. “I feel like I’m not good for anybody, and I didn’t want to put that burden on you for simply loving me. I went away and couldn’t stop my thoughts. I was conflicted. But amongst my confliction, I missed one very important thing. I didn’t give you a choice.”

She looked up at her, her heart on her sleeve.

“My soul is tainted, Lex. I’ve done horrible things that I’ll regret for the rest of my life. But I also know that I’ve never felt about anyone, the way I feel about you. You’ll always be safe with me, whether it’s physically, mentally, financially… I’m still working on the emotionally part. You bring far too much out of me in that regard.”

Alexia’s lips trembled at the pure, unfiltered emotion in her voice. She was being so brave and speaking so beautifully. So vulnerably.

A flight attendant tapped Ridley’s shoulder to say boarding was almost finished and she nodded, telling her she’d only be a few minutes.

“Lex, meeting you broke a spell I’ve been under for a long time. Meeting you made me realise that maybe I was worthy of love after all. You took up space in my heart before I even knew it, and now, it seems you’re there to stay. I feel sorry for the Ridley before you because she didn’t realise how much love and happiness she was missing without you. You’ve changed me forever, and I’ll happily spend the rest of my life trying to thank you.” She cupped her cheek and stroked it with her thumb. “Regardless of if you want to stay or go…”

Ridley was giving her a choice. And even though she’d never meant to, it was the one and only choice she’d ever denied her.

Alexia’s heart broke. She leant down, her hands needing to touch her, and her cheek pressed against her own. She just needed to be close to her.

“I’m damaged..” she whispered, her breath soft against Alexia’s cheek.

“You’re human…” Alexia replied softly against hers, nudging it a little as if to wake her from her stupor.

“I’m broken.”

Alexia’s hand travelled down until it rested over her heart, feeling that strong beat. “You feel whole to me.”

Ridley’s hands found Alexia’s wrists and gripped on, as if to keep her there. Wanting her close.

Alexia’s lips brushed their way up to her forehead where she gave a singular kiss with more love and passion than she had ever expressed before. So much so, that it even surprised her. “I’m right here.”

Her hands were either side of her jaw now, Alexia’s cheek resting against her eyebrow. They stayed like that for a time, until the reality of where they were set in. Ridley pulled back and the expression she had on her face affected Alexia so much, that she could feel all of Ridley’s emotions.

That’s the moment Alexia knew she’d completely and desperately fallen in love with her.

“I’m sorry I ran,” she whispered again, her face betraying her pain. Ridley was letting herself be emotional with her, and it caught Alexia completely by surprise in the best kind of way. She knew what it meant. She was letting her in.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. Not at all. Now the choice is yours, Lex.”

Alexia thought on it for a minute or so until she spoke. “I want you, Lee. In every single way. But relationships are a two-way street, and they start with us as individuals. I want you. I lov-“ She stopped herself and sucked in a breath. Fuck, she really loved her. “I… but right now you need to find that part of you that doesn’t believe you deserve to be loved, and you need to learn to love yourself. To know in your heart that you deserve to love and be loved.. because you do. You fucking do. You deserve the world.”

Ridley’s face broke, and then hardened slightly. It was an honest truth that she needed, but of course it hurt.

“You’re… right.”

Alexia leant forward again, her lips on her forehead and kissed her there. “I know,” she whispered. “And I truly hope you can find that, because you deserve to have the love of your life.”

She pulled back and Ridley was holding herself strong, surprisingly. “Is there any hope for us?”

Alexia’s pride and independence crept up. She knew what she needed. “If you can learn to love yourself, and promise me that you’ll stay. That you won’t run away again. That you’re ready to move forwards, together.” Ridley was paying attention closely like she always did. She was always a good listener. “I need you to be here for me, like I am for you. I need security.”

“How will you know that I’m ready?”

Alexia smiled. “You’ll fight for me. For us.”

Ridley almost smiled. She liked that idea, it seemed. “Until then… can we be friends?”

“Friends who love each other, yes. Yes, please. I’d like that.” She needed Ridley to prove that she was there to stay.

“Hm.” She liked that answer. Ridley looked over her shoulder and gestured to the flight attendant who came by. “No change to the manifest. Please stand the ground crew down. Leave the baggage and pet on board.”

She nodded with a smile at Ridley that had Alexia’s jealousy spike and left.

“You’re leaving Chiquito with me?”

“I can’t take him away from you..”

“He’s yours.”

“I think you’ll find that he’s ours now.”

Typical Ridley sass. She loved it.

“We can share him…”

Ridley smiled her agreement and the Spaniard didn’t realise how much she’d missed seeing that. Seeing her lips curve upwards and her scar move on her cheek. She reached out and touched it.

“Deal.” She said as she rocked back on her heels and stood. “Good bye, Alexia.”

Alexia caught her arm as she went to turn, and pulled her back down, their faces so close she could kiss her without a thought. Though it most definitely was a thought. Their first kiss. “Ridley?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t leave again. Fight for me. Fight for us.”

Ridley clipped her belt up, pulling it tight across her hips. Fuck.

And then her thumb traced her lips ever so gently. Ever the cheeky Ridley. “I will. Do you know why?”

Her thumb was still on her lower lip, and Alexia couldn’t form words at that point. She shook her head.

“Because you’re fucking mine, Alexia.”

[athetos]

I love the atmosphere of the Metroid games and a huge part of that is the music and sound design. The first game has one of my favorite NES soundtracks, and establishes the franchise’s musical identity as sounding very “alien”; there’s a lot of chromatic notes, compound meters, and eerie silences.

The Game Boy sequel is much weirder, with frequently changing time signatures, no apparent keys, and intentionally discordant intervals. The Metroid battle theme cuts off the phrase halfway through at seemingly random, so it makes it seem like game glitched and skipped 2 beats, but the fights demand so much attention you can’t figure out the pattern to it. The Chozo Ruins theme alone drove me nuts, because despite not being catchy at all it became stuck in my head, especially with that echo across 3 octaves.

Super Metroid’s soundtrack is perhaps the highlight of the entire series. Samus Aran’s theme, which would appear across many titles, is so darkly triumphant, a perfect motif. The ambience of many of the “safe” rooms sounds like nothing you would ever hear on earth. Ridley’s theme is in 5|4, with the mission impossible style “2 long beats, 2 fast beats” that makes it seem like the track is speeding up halfway through each measure then laying off the gas again, which makes for a frantic fight. The “item obtained” jingle is as memorable as Zelda’s, but darker.

Metroid Dread, the most recent Metroid game, has some great themes as well, like Ferenia’s theme, where the bass and left hand piano eventually become deliciously out of sync, and it carries the tradition of ominous ambience and tense battle music, but I truly think the prime trilogy nailed the sound design in particular. Everything - from your footsteps, to the creature noises, to the charging of your power beam, to the scanning noise or static, sounds exactly the way it should. And the music itself is so damn good. Honestly, I think Magmoor Caverns is perfection. It’s a revamp of Norfair from Super Metroid, using the Phrygian scale (yum!), dramatic chanting, and it just keeps building up, and up…

Man, I love Metroid’s soundtrack.

[joachimnapoleon]

My Napoleon Review

I really wanted to like this movie. When it was first announced, I was one of the people in our little community here with a hopefully-optimistic, wait-and-see approach. I wanted to love it the same way I loved Gladiator and Kingdom of Heaven and other historical epics that, despite not being historically accurate, still managed to hook me with good storytelling, excellent casts, and memorable battle scenes and imagery. Ridley Scott's Napoleon has none of the above.

You know what I liked about it? The uniforms. The uniforms looked magnificent and were probably the most accurate aspect of the movie. Almost like Scott had help from historians, but that can't be the case, because Scott says he didn't actually need historians to make Napoleon.

What I was not expecting from this movie was to be bored. Yet that's what I was, for at least the first hour and a half. I'm honestly just perplexed by this even now. I don't know how it's actually possible to make the life of Napoleon Bonaparte so thoroughly uninspiring and dull, but Scott managed to pull it off.

To be fair, he was aided in this superhuman effort by Joaquin Phoenix. I never in my wildest dreams could've seen him doing such a poor job with his interpretation of Napoleon. But honestly, the fact that he's too old for the role actually ended up being the least of what I disliked about this performance, which was basically everything. The early reports coming out when the movie was still being produced about Phoenix putting a lot of effort into understanding Napoleon's psychology gave me what turned out to be a completely misguided hope. When you read descriptions of Napoleon from his contemporaries, you see an energetic, charismatic, vibrant being who exerted an almost inexplicable magnetism that drew people to him and inspired devotion and admiration, even among his critics. There is nothing even remotely inspiring, energetic, charismatic, or vibrant about Phoenix's grim, dour, monotoned Napoleon. He only ceases being grim and dour to become a clown, or to indicate to Josephine in some undignified manner that he is once again in need of sex (at one point he actually oinks repeatedly). In one scene he literally crawls under the dining room table towards her on all fours, while the embarrassed valets watch.

The relationship between Napoleon and Josephine is totally devoid of chemistry. Kirby's acting was fine, but she was given a trash script to work with. At one of their early meetings, Josephine flat-out spreads her legs in front of Napoleon, invites him to look down, and declares that once he sees what's down there, he'll never stop wanting it. It was the cringiest scene imaginable, and frankly an insult to the real Josephine's memory, as were the pathetic sex scenes. The scene of the official divorce is stripped of any dignity by Scott, who decided to have Josephine randomly chuckle at various points while reading her statement, and then made it even worse by having Napoleon actually slap her across the face.

Even the battle scenes were a joke for the most part, and that was the one area where I was certain this movie would shine. It's the usual fare of Side A charges across an open field at Side B, with no discernible tactics whatsoever. Napoleon yells "Send in the infantry!" Shortly after that, "Send in the cavalry!" Corps, regiments etc are just nonexistent; the armies are just big masses hurtling towards each other while the artillery blasts continuously. The Borodino battle scene lasts maybe two minutes and was just disappointing on every level, like damn near everything else in this movie.

Oh, remember that bit from one of the trailers of Napoleon charging headlong, saber drawn? That actually occurs during the Borodino scene. The battle during which real-life Napoleon was uncharacteristically lethargic (and possibly ill) and barely left his tent. And then to top it off, Scott also has Napoleon ride into the fray during the Waterloo scene, and start cutting English soldiers down with his saber like Mel Gibson's William Wallace in Braveheart. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

The guy they cast to play Wellington appeared to be at least 60 years old. Christopher Plummer he was not. I'm actually planning to watch Waterloo sometime this weekend as a pallet-cleanser.

I imagine the eventual four hour director's cut Scott has spoken of will flesh the narrative out more, but I'm not even sure I'm interested in seeing it after this. I can only hope the rumored Spielberg HBO series on Napoleon will transpire and put in the effort that Scott was not willing to.

Well, the good news is that Rod Steiger is no longer my least favorite Napoleon.