#right now fictional characters are what's left for me to not feel lonely when alone so

[zeynatura]

I interrupt my hiatus from social media to tell y'all: LOOK AT MY BABIES ON THE NEXT EVENT!!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

Shy Student Yakumo and Sensual Olivine Sensei qjbfnwjUfbcjsnencksnwndjefkwjjwisjejdhjejjjeh

[hufflepuffplums]

A Meeting To Another World

summary: another long day for you, but somethings are left out for you

Warnings: none? (I think?)

Authors note: Chapter 3! Sorry this took a while! Again. Life has it's way to creep up on you. Everyone is probably done with me apologizing all the time, but at least it's out finally!! (Sorry if it's a slow starting story, it will pick up and be a little crazy!)

When you woke up the warmth you felt all night was gone. You turned over and placed your hand on the empty space next to you. Michael was gone, it was like he was never there. 'It would make sense he wouldn't stay.' The air was cold, making you miss his warmth. 

On that note you got up and changed into a cute flowy black dress with pockets and some fuzzy black slippers you found in your room. 'Hmm, those weren't there before?' You shook off the thought and went to the bathroom. Your toiletries in hand.

You went to the bathroom, brushed your teeth and brushed you hair, a list you would check off every morning when you left your room. The bathroom was in colors of gery, it was quite nice. With that you went downstairs and into the kitchen.

No one was there. Yet again, you were alone. It made you think of the times you would wake up before your family sitting in the living room watching TV. Smiling at the thought, you went into the kitchen. On the counter was a tray. On the tray was coffee a bowl full of fruit, and a plate with toast, eggs, and bacon. A spoon and fork was beside it. 'Still warm..' It was weird, food and slippers were out for you in the morning.

Did Michael do that for you? 'Of course, idiot. There's no one else here! Or is there?' You joked with yourself, of course no one else is there. It was only you, and Michael. You felt weird thinking and saying that. You live with, what should be, a fictional character. And you live in, what should be, a fictional world. It still feels like a dream you made up. But if it was a dream you would have woken up by now. Right?

You took your breakfast and coffee to make your way to the living room, still thinking of the thought. The living room was spacious and the color scheme was blue, white and grey. Not at all what you expected. In your mind you imagined colors of red and black to cover the walls and furniture. 

You ate your breakfast watching whatever nonsense show you could find to fill the silence of the house completely. The food tasted like heaven on earth the first bite, everything was made to perfection and the coffee wasn't half bad either. You drank every last drop and ate every piece of your breakfast filled with temporary satisfaction throughout your being. But the satisfaction didn't last, you felt lonely and bored again. No show or movie you watched on the air peaked your interest and fill the void.

'Was this what everyday will feel like?' It made you think, why did he bring you here if he was just going to be gone most of the time? It was selfish to think like that since it was only your first day, but that doesn't change how it felt. 

After another mindlessly boring episode of whatever was on was done you got up to explore your new home. You already explored downstairs so you went upstairs. Other than your room and the bathroom there were three other rooms, one being Michael's. 

The first room you went into was the door right in front of your own. In said room was a study, the walls on either side of the room were covered with bookshelves. The wall adjacent to you had only a painting of the four horsemen, and a desk was near the back of the room, on the desk was a computer and a lamp. A carpet of red, brown, and black was in front of the desk. The color scheme of this room was darker and more warm tones were added. It was different from the lightly colored rooms you've seen in the house, not that you minded. It was comforting almost, and added to Michael's style well. 

The next room was locked. Which was strange. The only room he said not to go in was his own. But then why was this one locked? Not that it mattered much to you, but it was strange.

The only room left was, what you assumed, Michael's room. Michael's door was darker than the rest. It drew you close, but you didn't want to disregard the one rule Michael had. Even if it was tempting. Not that he would know either, or would he?

You dismissed the thought and went to your room to retrieve your phone, making your way downstairs. On your phone you looked at your contacts. Looking at the names of the people you loved. Most of them were your family. You kept the conversations of the ones that were gone, too grieved to delete the numbers from your contacts. You didn't realize you were crying until a tear fell onto your phone. You let yourself cry. It seems like that's all you can do now. You felt weak for crying so much. It's not like that'll bring them back.

Even if they were alive you can't see them now. You were in another world, another universe, and another place in time. 

********

A couple of hours had passed and there was still no sign of Michael. Not that he had to come back, but it did worry you. It was getting dark and the street lights had just turned on. Rain drops just started to hit the ground, you could hear them hit the window in the living room.

The front door unlocked and Your ears perked up. Looking over the couch to see Michael walk through the door and up the stairs. His umbrella was carelessly placed by the door.

You followed him, not knowing why but you wanted to see him. You needed to.

 Up the stairs Michael was heading towards his room. Opening the door slightly before closing it behind him. You were about to go downstairs when he came out with a computer and went into the study.

You followed and stood in the middle of the room. At that point Michael finally noticed you and put his computer down.

"Angel, why are you just standing there? Is there something you need?" He asked sweetly. A part of you melted when he called you that, another part of you was unimpressed by the sentiment. ''What?' Questioning yourself at why that poped into your head.

"Uh, I um.. wanted to.."You couldn't find the right words, not that you knew why you wanted to see him in the first place. You played with the bottom of your dress, not meeting Michael's eyes.

"Do you want to sit next to me?" Michael suggested, motioning to the empty place next to him.

Nodding to his suggestion he flicked his wrist and a chair appeared beside him. Michael moved over giving you room to sit down. It still astonished you that he could do that. You grabbed a book and feebly sat down next to him and your phone out of your dress pocket to play your favorite Playlist. With that you finally started reading your book.

Under Michael's demeanor he was quite pleased and surprised that you wished to be near him. It felt nice to be in someone else's presence instead of being alone. He glanced in your direction before getting to work, typing away.

The book you picked out was quite interesting to you, falling in love with death. Being the only person he could touch. At first not loving him but hating him, while he loved you already. It drew you in, sympathizing with death. He's been alone all this time. You also sympathized with the girl. Everyone she loved died. Halfway through the book already. your eyes felt heavy and it was getting hard to focus.

You placed your book gently on the table and rested your head on your arms. taking a headphone out and turning your music down. It was comforting to hear the quiet sound of clicking that came from Michael's computer as he typed. The sound slowly disappeared from your ears as you drifted off to sleep.

A couple minutes turned to a couple hours as Michael continued the documents he needed for the end of the world. It was quite tiring and stressful. Michael leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. After a few seconds which felt like a few minutes Michael leaned forward, placing his elbows one his knees and rubbing his eyes. Michael kept his hand there for a while as his mind raced. He had to meet the two Crackheads tomorrow and finish the documents, among other things.

Michael sighed looking up at the books to the right of him, so many titles that meant nothing to him. Most things were nothing to him. Except her. Michael looked at you, you looked so much like her. Only thing was that you weren't her, he knew you weren't. Sometimes he could pretend you were, like this morning. He pretended you were her, but it felt wrong pretending you were. You were your own person. He could see that, clear as day.

Michael noticed you were sleeping, your breathing patterns were deeper, and your heartbeat was slow and steady. Soft snores came from you, making Michael smile. You looked so peaceful, one headphone not in your ear. He could hear your music, west coast by Lana Del Ray was playing quietly. Michael almost didn't want to disturb you, but he wouldn't leave you to sleep in the study.

Michael rose from his chair, rounded the desk and took your headphone out of your other ear. turning off your music and put your phone into his pocket. He tucked his left hand under your knee and lifted you gently into his arms, his right arm supporting your back. Your head lulled to his shoulder as you made a slight noise. He paused to make sure he didn't wake you before opening the door with his powers. Crossing the hallway to your room.

You woke up slightly when he opened your door. Too drowsy to open your eyes you felt him place you on what you assumed was your bed. Gently draping the blanket over your form. Before he left, he leaned over you and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

"Goodnight angel," Michael whispered, leaving and closing the door silently behind him.

You fell asleep right afterwards, sleep taking over you before you could process what he did.

[simplykorra]

I wanted to take a second today to make a little appreciation post. I mean, I should do it for every writer on Ao3 that I’ve loved, but it’s not easy to reach to all of them, so I’m starting here. I think I find you more relatable because just like you once wrote, I too have stumbled upon The 100 fanfiction (and Clexa in particular) like 6 years too late. I’ve spent the last year reading stories about them, and now I’m right back at the beginning again with Avatrice (yes you are incredibly right to suggest Warrior Nun, it’s wonderful)

But I don’t think I would have handled the past year so well if it hadn’t been for people like you. Because you meet this characters and you watch their story, and sometime you’re left with this pain and mixed emotions and you don’t know what to do. Quoting Fleabag, you don’t know what to do with all the love you feel for them. You don’t know where to put it.

and it can be very lonely. I’ve struggled a lot with loneliness this past year, because people around me do not get it. They do not get that sometimes it feel like grief, and you wish it could go away sooner but it doesn’t. All they can say is that it’s not normal, that it’s just fictional, it’s not real, even when for you it feels so. and I’m not mad at them for not getting it, I know it’s not easy to explain. But you just wish that they would accept it, you know? That if I said “I’m feeling down today because I thought about Clexa (or Avatrice or whoever it may be) again” they’d say “okay, do you want me to come over and cuddle for a bit?”

because I know they can’t make it go away, but feeling accepted and not alone? That’s all I ask for. But this year i struggled a lot because I realised I didn’t have those people in my life.

luckily I found them elsewhere. You, and all the others writers of this world, do so much for people like me.

you offer acceptance, support, love, to people you don’t even know. I could be having the worst day ever, feeling out of breath, then I come here, or on Ao3, and I breath again. It feels like there’s someone next to you saying “you’re okay, this, what you’re feeling, is okay”

I mean, I know it’s not therapy, but the comfort it gives is very close to it. today I’m feeling very emotional because of Avatrice, and then again Clexa, so it’s a mix of intense emotions. And it’s scary, because it feels like I’ll have to deal with it on my own again. but you’ve created a safe space, and that’s more than anyone has ever done for me. so thank you, for giving out oxygen when it feels like there is none. you are important, and special, and I’ll forever be grateful for you. to you, and to anyone like you that takes time to make us readers feel normal and not alone.

sending so much love.

Wow this is...I'm not even entirely sure how to respond to it. I will say I absolutely know what you mean about grieving for characters and the way it can stick with you and drag you down. I've been there, a few times. It's a big part of why I got into content creation in the first place.

I'll just say that this was an amazing way to start the day. This feels like the kind of message I can post and add myself to because there are a ton of creators and blogs and fics and spaces on here that have given me comfort in my life more than once.

So thank you for this, and I am sending the love you sent me right back. You're 100% not alone. We're all here in this emotional pit of fandom that is so wonderfully impossible to explain to most people.

[felixisislost]

Boyfriend to Death 2: Fresh Blood Fanfic [Authors Note: I'm not the owner of the Boyfriend to Death series, I just really like the games and lately Ren has kind of been a comfort character, especially since life is kind of really bad and shitty right now. If you know the games, then you will know all the warnings. This is just a self insert fic I'm writing for myself to help get through a tough time and to try distract myself from real life issues. So, please, no judgement in this, ok. Just how I'd react in this (fictional) situation. I do not condone kidnapping, murder and so on, this is just a work of fiction. Also, I kind of feel like Ren would have a voice similar to Len Kagemine (for reference to what I mean, like his voice in 【鏡音レン君feat.女子】＋♂【オリジナル】but like the lower part of the 'PIPIPI'  if that makes sense) ]

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/~Chapter One~*/*/*/*/*/*/*/ Going to a bar was not my usual way to spend my Friday nights, but what else did I really have going for me, and bars were good places to meet people, right? * I'd spent my whole walk home debating what to do. I needed to get out of the house, and the Wi-Fi was supposed to go down later on tonight, something about something or other, or so says my landlord. That left me with little entertainment, and I really wasn't in the mood to do any more writing. So, I figured, "Why not hang out in a bar, make some friends?!" I mean, what better way to meet people than when they're shitfaced and (hopefully) a bit more sociable. What's the worst that could happen? My body was slumped and my feet were dragging. A pathetic sob slipped past parted lips and a rather visible pout hung on my face, like how you hung a painting on a wall. My stupid job had me swamped, today's trainwreck of a day hadn't gone over too well. Too many Karen's visiting, I groaned, rubbing my aching body, fumbling with my keys. Work was tiring, life was stressful and I was too out of myself to even attempt to continue my book. I mean, heck, I tripped just trying to get through my apartment door. I was exhausted and just wanted to wind down and have a good time before I had to go back on Monday and do it all over again. Kicking the door open, then shut, I threw my keys on the nearest piece of furniture, and flopped down on my little, uncomfortable sofa. "Home sweet home" I groaned into the pillow I had shoved my face in. It was rather lonely and empty in the little, yet sufficient apartment's. I had considered looking for a roommate, but it was hard to tell how to go about it. If I wrote in the news paper about it, who knows what kind of creep could turn up, and that cost an unnecessary amount of money to do. I would have gotten a dog, but the rules strictly were not pets. The way that my landlord liked to pop in unannounced at random made it impossible to find any roundabouts or cut throughs. "Stupid bitch has something agaisnt me, or s'mth'n" Peering up, I shook myself out half heartedly, streatching until I felt my bones crackle and pop. Something shiny on the little round coffee table caught my eye as I tried to think cheeryer thoughts. Ever since I moved here, I'd kind of lost contact with my old friends, and it's not like I had any family. Then there was my job, my workmates were a little too serious to hang out with, and the neighbours were always arguing and glaring at the whole world. So, I was pretty much alone... .... Ok, so I was more like 60% alone. 90%. Entirely. A month, I've been here a whole damn month and I have no friends, I sobbed, pulling my body across the couch, arms dangling over the side while I moped. Flicking a hand forward, I snatched up my phone from the coffee table. Turning it on, I made a mental note to remember to not leave it there next time. I always forgot it when I put it there, and today was no exception. Because of that little mistake I went without food today, and it just so happened to be a very busy work day, figures with my luck. The only physical money I had was a few fifties I stored in my phone case, and my stomach was howling. I wasn't a breakfast person, so I hadn't eaten at all today, and my stomach was screaming at me to hurry up and heed it's calling. Scrolling through my phone, I tried to look for somewhere relaxing to go, but not too relaxed. It wasn't really my usual style to go out to bars, I actually prefered to stay home and relax, but today felt different. I'd never actually been to one before. Aaaaand as much as I hated to admit it, I was lonely, I wanted real people company. Even if I didn't meet anyone, it wouldn't hurt to get a little drunk, I mean, it's not like I had work tommorrow. Pulling up a list of 'local watering holes' I weighed up my options. "Cafe Royale, sounds too high class for me, Route 66 sound kind of cool, but more like I'd get beat up or robbed based on reviews..." I huffed a sigh, and kept scrolling. "Oh god, Jazz bar's defiantly ain't my vibe..." Even the name, Snapdragon Jazz lounge, sounded wayyy out of my league. After a little debate, I scrolled back up to the top 3, eyeing The Jackalope. "Open 4 pm - 2 am, it's got good enough reviews, and I don't care too much if the food is greasy, at this point i'll take anything" I sat up, feeling better and better about this place. Peeling off my work clothes, I rushed to take a nice shower, and threw on my favourite clothes. A black button up with wavey white marble like stripes running up the fabric and a pair of black ripped jeans. Sure, it wasn't fancy-fancy, but it looked good and was comfortable. Snatching up my phone, I pulled up directions, adding an excited bounce in my step. Practically jumping down the stairs with a newfound energy. I'd miss every few steps, only just managing to (somehow) not go crashing down the slightly uneven vertical plain. It sucked, but the shitty elevator was broken. Again. Meaning four flights of stairs and multiple bruises for me every day, as well as a 12 minute walk to work since I couldn't drive. Well, that's one way to get my steps in. Literally, I laughed to myself, hurrying out the door. I didn't like living so high up, I had a slight distaste (or the fancy way of saying fear) for heights. After a couple wrong turns and shady passbyers, I winally made my way up to the bar. It was rather empty inside, but the interior was appealing and cozy. Making a beeline for the bar, I swiftly ordered a Strawberry Vodka and a bit of the cheapest food they had that would actually taste nice. All the bartender could really suggest were fries and a burger (Though he did grimace and whisper a warning about the mess). No matter how hungry I was, I ate neatly and slow. I always was a neat eater, even more so in public. Most of the patrons finished up rather quickly, and the bar was mostly deserted. The mixture of warm, dim lights and soft music playing in the background lulled me into an airy state, and I could feel my head tipping along with the fuzzy warmth the alchohol gave me. After several hours, I opened my eyes, blinking away the sleep. My face almost stuck to the bar as I pulled myself upward, mouth warm. "Oh god, did I fall asleep?" I mumbled to myself, gazing about whilst I streatched. The bar was practically empty, except one lone guy, sitting idily at a far away table by himself. I couldn't even see the bar tender. Flipping my phone upward, I was dissapointed by the red flash indicating 'Dead battery'. Glancing back at the seemingly gentle blonde, I wandered over, "Umm, excuse me?" The young man seemed rather distracted, and a bit jumpy as he turned his gaze up from the table towards me, "Err, y-yes?" "Sorry to disturb you, but umm, do you have the time by anychance?" I held up my dead phone up sheepishly. He hesitated with his response, glancing at the table, then at another corner of the room. "Uhh, yeah, the bar's closing in 15 minuets" "Oh, geez, thank you" I laughed nurvously. This guy seems kinda' unsettled, I thought, wondering if I should back off. Maybe he isn't a people person? "Are you ok? I asked him, changing my stance so that he knew I could leave with a word if he wanted me to. The last thing i'd want to do is make anyone uncomfortable. "Oh, umm... yeah... i'm just waiting for-- a friend" He said in a rather broken, nurvous sentence, avoiding eye contact. Nodding, I wondered again if I should leave him alone, when his friend appeared. He was only about 2 inches shorter than me, and he seemed rather spritely, sporting a cheerful grin. The red-head was actually rather cute, I couldn't help but blush. On each of his cheeks lay a curious crimson triangle, only adding to his appeal and mystery. But it wasn't just that, it was his smile, it was infectious. "Hey Law--" He cut himself off, gazing at me, a sharp flash of panic lasting not even a second appeared in his face. As quick as it had come, it was gone so soon, I wondered if I had imagined it. "Oh, who's your friend?" Trying not to seem akward, or stare too much, I mustered a friendly smile, "U-umm, sorry to bother you, I was just asking the time, I can leave--" The small man grinned, "No, no, it's alright, my name is Ren, it's nice to meet you!" I had to physically stop myself from sighing in relief, I was interested in a conversation with the attractive young man. "I'm Eliza lee, it's lovely to meet you as well" I smiled, holding out my hand, to which the ginger shook it with a firm, yet gentle handshake. His hands were soft. When he let go, he stared up at his tall friend, Lawerence, and the pair said nothing for awhile. Tilting my head to oneside, I wondered if I was coming into the middle of something, "You all right, Ren? I can leave if i'm disturbing you--" Shaking his head, Ren cntinued to keep his lips in an their inviting, friendly curve, "No, no! It's quite alright, everything's great! Let me get us a round before the bar closes" I didn't have a chance to respond, because before I could even open my mouth, he was already trotting over to the bar, humming to himself cheerfully. Throwing me a quick glance, Lawerence quickly skuttered off, shadowing his friend. Cocking my head to one side, I sat down and watched them. Or, well, more Ren. I noticed he had a few scars, they actualy looked rather cool. Wandering into my mind, I missed the fact that it kind of looked lke they were arguing. When they returned, all trace of their past conflict was gone, and I was oblivious to what was going on. Setting the drinks down, Lawerence attempted a more confident smile. Offering a smile back at him, I gazed down at my dappled reflection in the (what I assumed to be) rum. Tracing a finger idily around the rim of the glass, Ren held his drink up. "Cheers" Echoing him, something felt... odd. The longer I stared into my drink, the more my gut wrenched, instincts screeching at me. Now, I wasn't someone who assumed the worst in others, no, I liked to believe each person was good in their own way and I hated making negative assumptions. But something was wrong. Really, really wrong. Was it perhaps the incredibly faint sweet smell I could detect in the drink infront of me. It was incredibly faint, almost unnocitable, but with alcohol, I was a bit of an expert, and I took care in noticing when something was wrong when I was going to ingest something. Nonchalantly, I reached over, claiming Lawerence's drink as my own, carefully sliding my own over to him in a sort of trade all while the pair stared at me, flabbergasted. Rum and coke, I noted, setting the now empty glass down, flashing an awkward half smile- blush mess. Oh god, why did I do that?!-- However, I noticed that Lawrence didn't touch the drink that formerly was mine. Ren stode up, looking rather antsy as fidget about. It's getting late, and the bar's closing up now," Ren ffered. "I'm... going to leave now" Lawerence looked panicked, staring at his friend as if he'd grown two heads. "You're leaving?!" He gasped in disbelief. Shrugging, Ren avoided eyecontact, making a hasty retreat through the door after throwing a soft "S-sorry" our way. Dashing after him, Lawerence, at a hulking 6'2 was surprisingly fast, dissapearing outside without a trace. Frowning, I internally cursed, wishing I had asked the curious short man for his number. "Damn, so much for making friends..." I let out a breathy sigh, placing a rather generous tip on our table before leaving the bar. The fresh, crisp cold air hit me like a brick wall, flooding my sences. It was cold and stung my nose, but I liked it that way. I loved the cold air of the night, it was so refreshing and made you allert and awake. Nearby, the road was surprisingly busy for the time of the morning that it was. Jumping, I felt a sort, sharp tap on my shoulder, yelping in surprise. "Jeez, Lawerence, you coulda' given me a heartattack" I teased, despite clutching my pounding heart. Lawerence struggled for words as he stared rather darkly at me, unblinking. "...Ren's path.... split from mine" Glancing at him confused, I said nothing, hoping he would elaborate. Or was he just drunk? "Well, he probably just went home" I tried to reassure the mysterious giant, still kind of lost in this conversation. I was tensing up, feeling something was severly wrong. Lawerence was actng funny, and the thought of the drinks made me feel even worse. Maybe i'm just imagining-- Eyes widening, I was dropping into a duck before I could even register what was happeing. My body had moved purely on instinct, and I managed to avoid most of the blow that lined up with my head. I wasn't quick enough to avoid it entirely, and the sharp thwack that reverberated off of my skull made my ears rings while I stumbled backwards. "Shit--" Cursing through clenched teeth, I spun on my heel, trying not to wobble from the booze, dashing into the nearbye allyway, panting hard. Skidding to a halt, my body slammed into the brick wall, sliding down onto the dirty floor, clutching my throbbing head. It'd been a hot minute since my head had taken a blow. Head spinning, I spotted a fluffy tail across from me, it looked like a foxes tail. "Am I dieing?" I wondered. Foxes were my favourite animal, and I doubt any foxes would live out here. Crawling forward, vision woozy from the skull bashing and the alchohol, I reached forward. Turning around, the tails owner crouched down abruptly, pulling me up. "Eliza?!" The voice belonged to Ren, "Come with me, i'll get you somewhere safe" Legs becoming jelly, I leant on Ren for support. And I continued to until I passed out.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/~Chapter Two~*/*/*/*/*/*/*/ Letting out a groan, I forced open my eyes, feeling about the soft chair I was resting in. My head was pounding, and it felt worse trying to remember what had happened. Shifting about, I straightened up momentarily, only to flop forward, clutching my head. Eyes shooting open, I swung my head left and right in panic. Where am I-- "Oh, you're awake!" Ren appeared infront of me, incredibly quiet to the point I couldn't stop myself jumping. "Do you feel better?" "Besides a bit of aching, i'm good. Thank you for rescuing me... Your friend... he wasn't stable..." I admitted, wondering why he had attacked me. I mean, I hadn't acted provoking at all. He already was acting strange when I first went up to him. "... So, now that you're awake, I bet you're feeling hungry. Why don't I make you something to eat, hmm?" Ren purred, gazing down at me. I felt strangely small under his watchful eyes. As if on que, my stomach rumbled, only adding to Ren's amusement. "That's very genrous of you, are you sure it's no trouble?" I asked, not wanting to be an incovenience. While I stared up at him, I wondered about the ears and tail. Is he cosplaying? Or a Furry? I wondered. "It's no trouble!" Ren was pleased by my answer, tail swishing ever so slightly in aproval. "I have these really nice--" Chuckling, Ren nurvously rubbed the back of his neck, "Haha, sorry, i'm rambeling, just gimmie' a sec, okay! Sit tight~" Ren padded off to the kitchen rather merrily. I watched after him, a small smile decorating my lips. That was, until I shifted in my seat. Klink. Rattle. Klink. Eyes widening, my head shot down. Thick steel links connected my ankle to the nearby wall. I was fully awake and aware now, fear and panic lighting up my face. Reaching a hand up to my throat, I was met with the cold outskirts of more metal. A collar, or rather some form of shakle lay rest on my neck. I began to tense up, feeling about the peculiar device, trying to work out what it was. "Oh my god--" I whispered, panic setting in. Turning towards the doorframe in which Ren had dissapeared, I knew i'd have limited time to think. The soft sounds of tinkering and sizzling of a skillet could be heard. I froze, unable to to move or make a sound as my throat closed up. What in gods name do I do-- Calm down, 'Lizzie, relax, you gotta' calm down, I tried to slow my thumping heart, closing my eyes and rubbing my temple. Sucking in what was supposed to be a deep, calming breath, I rolled my head in attempt to loosen up (If that was possible). After several minuets, Ren returned with an admittedly delicious smelling plate of food. Now that I took a nice long look in his eyes, I noticed that they had a rather animalistic quallity to their ginger-brown hues. In certian lighting, it almost looked like the rims glowed gold. (Not really canon, just my headcanon) Handing me the plate, I dipped my head in a short gesture of appreciation, "Thank you very much, it looks really good" "Looks don't mean much," His next words came off as devious and playful, a clear hidden meaning behind them, enough to shoot blood right to my face. "What matters... is how it tastes~" The way predatory look on his face and the way he licked his lips sent an involentary shiver down my spine. It effected me more than it should have, that was evident by the blush on my face and the sudden urge I had to swallow the saliva in my mouth. I couldn't think of a response other than to lightly chew my lip, and play with my tongue peircing. Who was I to look a gift horse (or fox) in the mouth? The food looked wonderful, and I had to admit, since he was rather attractive, I calmed down rather easily. I guess it was too homey in here for the true danger to settle fully in my mind, especially when the attractive stranger (who had in a way had sort of kidnapped me) was treating me so well, feeding and checking up on me. "Give me a second~❤" Hurrying off, Ren swiftly returned as fast as he had left, nimbly handing me a fork me. "Thank you very much, Ren" My answer seemed to please the fox-man very much much, to which he smiled so wide, you could see his sharp canines, "How poilte! I really hit the jackpot, didn't I?" Ren hummed to himself, maybe to help with the nerves as he anxiously awaited the verdict after I took a bite. "Well....?" Ren asked, ears flattening slightly shifting about. My eyes widened, and I didn't try to hide my surprise. You could practically see the sparkles in my eyes. "It's delicious!" Ren seemed to calm down at my words, ears and fur returning to their natural state. Before I knew it, the plate was empty and Ren's eyes had never left my figure. "Thank you very much, it was wonderful" I smiled up at my captor, trying to push all fear out of my mind. The main goal in my mind was to keep calm and not to do anything irritional. Besides that, I valued manners and prided myself on my own, no matter who I was talking to. Manners were very important to me. Ren seemed to appreciate them as well, because he beamed, almost shocked by how calm and cooperative I was being taking the plate and fork from me. Watching him walk away with a rather bouncy step, I leant backwards, nestling myself into the comfey chair. I was surprised by his cooking, it was better than I had expected. Not that I had know what to expect. The heavy reminder on my leg, though, signalled me not to get too comfey. I was still chained up and had a strange collar device on my neck. I didn't know what it was for, or what it did, and I could gaurentee it wouldn't be good. Waiting patiently for my host's return, I rocked back and forth to keep my nerves in check. "If it's ok for me to ask," I started slow when Ren made his reappearance, not wanting to upset the man. Despite not being the most pressing concern at hand, I was curious. "but umm, your ears and tail..." Uncertian on how to continue, I looked down at my hands, idily playing with my fingers. "It's probably weird, but they're real. I'm a sort of beat-kin" Ren explained, trying not to seem too bothered. "We're mostly like humans, I mean, I can hide my ears and tail if I want to. But..." His expression softened, and something about his whole demeanor shifted, like he was far off, in a distant memory. It was hard to tell if it was a good one, or bad. "Someone once told me, 'You shouldn't hide who you are' " The way he said it made my heart swell. It clearly made Ren both reminiscent, and if I was right, sad. Even if he took me against my will, I was a rather empathetic person. Sometimes, I hated that. "If it's any consolation," I half whispered. "I like your ears and tail, they look nice" Mumbling lightly under my breath, the softness of my words and tone made Ren's ears involentarily twitch, "And foxes are my favorite animal" What was I doing?! I had to remind myself of the situation I was in. Ren made no remark on my comment, but his smile brightened. He was soo cheery, it was hard to believe I was kidnapped by such a sweetheart. Why do these things always happen to me? I wondered. It's not that i'd ever been kidnapped before, but I tended to have rather bad luck at times. I didn't really believe in bad luck, but the more it happened to me, the more I wondered what I did in my past lives to deserve this. Eyes shifting about, Ren sighed, wiping his hands on his shirt. He was incredibly quiet, probably due to his fox side? I mean foxes were silent, nimble, crafty creatures who had to stalk their prey, not to mention they were incredibly intelligent, and playful. "Maybe it's best we get you settled in." His gaze softened, maybe my behavior had given me the upperhand. Ren seemed rather relaxed, and to be fair, I had no plans to provoke him. "Give you time to adjust." I didn't question what he meant by that, I could only figure I was going to be his house guest for an unknown period of time. Tracing a finger along the metal collar, I cast him a look. "Oh... that. It's a hand me down.... for my new friend" He explained, gazing at the ground. "O-oh... umm, thank you?" It sounded a little like a question, rather than an awnser, but never the less, Ren turned back to me. First a small smile lay on his face, then he paused, chewing his lip. "Although..." He trailed off thoughtfully. "Although?" I tilted my head to one side quizzically. "It's been a long time, I wonder if it still works..." Pulling a small tear shaped remote out of his pocket, his thumb circled the red button in the center. Before any words could escape my mouth, a sharp shooting pain captured my whole body. It was like being punched over your entire body, shocking you to your very core. The sensation felt horrible, illicting a yelp from my parted lips, my body curling into a ball on instinct, heart pounding from a mixture of shock and pain. "Well, looks like it still works, huh" Shrinking down, the pressing issue of what was really going on hit me like a bus. I had a high chance of being shocked to death at any moment if he so desired. Trying to slow my breathing, I clutched my shirt, the fabric crinkling in my grasp. Ren didn't seem too bothered by this, if anything, he had a fair look of excitement. Bending down, he reached for my ankle. "W-what--" Click! Shifting my foot about, I was now free of the restraint. Leaning forward, I peered closer at Ren's face, trying to work out what he was thinking. What was his angle? Looking up at me, still crouching, he tapped the remote symbollically, "Don't forget the collar" Nodding, I let out a quick, "I'll behave" hoping that would satisfy him. Tail swishing, he waited for me to stand. I made no attempt to run or fight him, I just followed, i'd rather not have my brains fryed, thank you. Taking my arm gently, he led me down a short hallway. "There's no need to be worried, it's ok... it'll just take some time to get used to!" Ren tried to be reassuring as he guided me to 'my room'. I just tried to pretend I was here willingly. Swinging the door open, the room was rather nice. It reminded me a hotel room in those nice, non crappy hotels. The pillows, sheets and interior all matched in dark themes and it was appealing to the eye. Not over done, and not under either. "I know it's boring, but I didn't know what you liked," That  sentence made me uneasy. How long had he been planning a kidnap, or had he just phrased it different than what he had meant to. "Once I get to know you better, we can spruce it up!" He... seems almost innocent... that's kinda' odd considering. "It's actually rather nice" I admitted, running my hand along the duvet. The material was soft, plushy. I let out a soft 'ooo' at the feeling, it gave me the urge to curl up under the covers and take a nap. Chuckling lightly, "I'm glad you like it! Just hollar if you need anything, get some rest." "I will, thank you, Ren" Slipping out the frame, he shut the door quietly. Again, to my surprise, I heard no lock. The door was unlocked, so in theory, I could roam the house freely if I wished. But... if that was the case, then Ren must have been rather confident in the shock collar. "..." Sitting down, I thought about it. What had he meant by hand me down? Why would he have worn this, if it had been his, then and again, maybe he hd used it on someone else? I had no clue. Ren, this house, everything was a puzzle, and i couldn't find any sence in it. I liked being able to read people, it was usually easy, but right now, I had now clue, I wasn't sure on anything, and that was deflating. The only shock collars I'd heard of were ones used for dogs, to keep them within a set perimeter, and the kind used in rather... intimate situations. It wasn't unheard of, using electricity to kill, or to shock into submission. All my insticts told me to bide my time, to play nice with my new 'friend'. Peering out the thick glass, I realized there was no way to even open them. We were in some rich looking suburban neighbourhood, all I felt was lost. Confused. Alone. All this thinking, the confusion and warm meal made me feel sleepy. A long yawn escaped my jaws, and a lay down turned into an unplanned nap. The bed was so soft, I sunk into it with ease. I didn't fight the enevitible slumber, I needed to have my wits about me.

*/*/*/*/*/*/*/~Chapter Three~*/*/*/*/*/*/*/ Nuzzling deeper into the the sheet and pillows, I cuddled the soft, feathery plush for comfort. Did I really have to get up? I could easily stay here forever, fade off into my dreams and forget real life. But, that would require me dieing... and I didn't want to die. I was scared to die. Shifting about, stretching felt better than it should have. Everything felt like a luxury in the predicament I was in. Ren was kind yesterday, but how long would that last? I didn't know how Ren worked, how he operated. If he decided he didn't like my attitude, or he didn't want to play nice, then my life literally was in his hands. Reaching over to the beside table, I put my glasses on, running a hand through my hair, giving it a shake. Redoing the top couple of buttons that must have come undone while in bed, I wobbled a bit. It felt like walking for the first time, but after a good shake and a little pace about, I edged towards the door. Turning the handle nice and slow I peeked my head out. The house was silent. "Ren?" I called gently, yet I received no response. Hesitating, I took a few more steps out of the room and tried again. "Ren??" Is this a test? I wondered. Is Ren pretending not to be here to trick me, to see what I'll do? Debating my options, I walked over to the bathroom. Washing my face and body as carefully as I could, trying my best to avoid the collar since I had no clue if it was water proof or not, I inspected my face in the mirror. The woman looking back at me looked more hopeful than I felt. Her green eyes had no shine but looked strangely less tired than usual, yet the blue outer rings held their usual inquisitive exhaustion. Messy, wavey shoulder length brown hair framed her pale skin, and old faint cut lines ran along her left arm and hand. Thick black square glasses slid down her nose, and whispered reassurances through their stare. "Ok, Eliza lee, let's just keep it together" Turning away from the mirror, I headed back to the room, not wanting to push my already limited luck.

(To be continued?)

[teamfreewill56-blog]

It Means Nothing

So I don’t EVER write fan fiction because I’m not good at writing other people’s characters and them being OOC drives me bonkers but I couldn’t get this out of my head. 

KyojuroxReader SFW; slight angst? Y/N is also a Hashira

She breathed a sigh of relief seeing the Rengoku manor within walking distance, “Finally home Kyojuro, how is your shoulder?”

“It is a little sore but it will be all right. I’ve had worse.” He grinned. “If you hadn’t chopped his arm off at that last second I wouldn’t have had such a clean shot to cut off his head.”

“That’s enough praises out of you.  I’ll help you rebandage it after we get cleaned up.” She pushed the doors to the estate open and let him go through first.

“Brother! Y/N!” Senjuro ran from an open room and jumped off the porch, running over to them he hugged Kyojuro who laughed and hugged him back. “You’re home! Thank goodness! Are you okay?”

“We’re back safe Senjuro!” Kyojuro assured him with a grin.

“I’m so glad! I missed you both!” He let go of Kyojuro and hugged Y/N, she hugged him back, “I missed you too.” She kissed his forehead and Kyojuro beamed, his heart filling with joy seeing how happy Senjuro was in her arms. Y/N softly stroked the young boy’s fire tipped hair, “You must have been lonely.”

“I...it’s been all right, I’m just glad you’re home, are you both okay? Are you hurt?”

Kyojuro’s stomach twisted seeing his little brother’s hesitation, and the reminder that he was in this big house practically all alone all the time. “I’m sorry Senjuro. And only a little scratch, nothing to worry about!”

“Oh! No, it’s okay brother, you’re fulfilling your duties as a Hashira, it’s important!” He moved back from Y/N’s hug and gazed up at his brother.

Kyojuro touched Senjuro’s cheek softly, “We’re done with our duties for a while, so we get to be home for a couple of days.”

“I’m glad, are you sure the wound isn’t bad? You’ll be okay?” Senjuro’s eyebrows creased.

“I promise.” Kyojuro beamed at him. “I smell something delicious, what are you cooking Senjuro?”

He smiled softly, “Sweet potatoes and salt grilled bream.”

“Wahoo! You are an amazing little brother!” Kyojuro walked towards the house, “I’ll be right back, I’m going to report to father. Go ahead and start without me!”

“Kyojuro wait,” she called after the Flame Hashira, remembering something that had been eating at her thoughts for some time now. Kyojuro turned to her, “Hm?”

“I want to meet with Shinjurou, after you’re done checking in that is.”

Kyojuro’s smile fell, she had never met with Shinjuoru, or even seen him. Despite spending most of her free time at the Rengoku Mansion when they weren’t on duty. Even when she had dinner with them Senjurou took his father’s food to his room for him, he didn’t join them. She of course knew the stories about him as the previous Flame Hashira, and Kyojuro after some time had been willing to tell her about his childhood, so she knew about his mother, she’d never seen the ex-Hashira. Even though she was a Hashira herself, and she and Kyojuro had been together for almost a year.

“Why?”

She gave him a sly grin, “To ask for your hand in marriage of course.”

Kyojuro’s face flushed, “W-WHAT!? But you’re not supposed to--”

She laughed as Senjuro stared up at her wide-eyed, “I’m kidding! I’m kidding!” Y/N ruffled Senjuro’s soft hair with both hands, “Besides, I’d ask Senjuro’s permission before anyone else’s.” She paused, “I’ve never properly introduced myself to him even once, I want to meet him face to face. He’s your dad and a former Hashira, it’s rude for me to come over and not greet him.”

“Those kinds of things don’t matter to him Y/N, there’s no need to greet him.”

“Brother’s right, and Dad’s been in a really bad mood lately…”

“I’m a Hashira, I’m not afraid of the bad temper of a fellow Hashira.” She met Kyojuro’s eyes, determined. “Please let me talk to him, Kyojuro.”

He nodded, “All right, come on then. We’ll be right back Senjuro!”

“Okay.” He answered timidly, “I’ll set the table.” She let him go and follow Kyojuro.

“What’s the real reason?” Kyojuro asked once they were both no longer in earshot. Y/N looked up at him with raised eyebrows but he was looking at her with a concerned expression.

“I’ll tell you afterwards, I can tell you’re wanting to talk me out of it, and I need to do this.” She paused and cupped his chin between her fingers, “No matter what happens, or what you hear, don’t come into the room. I don’t mind if you listen in, but I don’t want you in there. I don’t want him lashing out at you, I want his focus on me.”

“But it’s okay for him to lash out at you? Y/N-”

“I’ve endured worse than anything your father could ever do to me.” She pushed her fingers against his lips, “Kyojuro you can’t keep waiting for him to pick himself up, you’re an adult now, and he’s still lying in bed. He can’t break out of this alone. Besides, he’s not an evil monster, he’s just a man in pain.”

“You’re right.” He sighed, kissing her fingers he pulled them to the side and softly kissed her, she kissed him back.

“No matter what he says or what you hear, stay out. Just listen.”

“All right.” He rubbed his thumb against her cheek.

She kissed the inside of his palm and walked with him to Shinjurou’s room, she kneeled down outside the door and listened as Kyojuro gave his report and dismissed him. He looked back at her and she motioned for him to come out. Kyojuro bowed to his father’s back then stood and walked out. She walked into the room and slid the door shut behind her, keeping it open only a small crack. She walked over to the bed and kneeled down. She knew Kyojuro was kneeling right next to the door, and she just hoped he really would stay put. She took a deep breath, feeling the extra flow of her total concentration breathing constant and looked back at Shinjurou, staring out at the garden with an open book beside him and a jug of sake as well. The smell of the alcohol coated the room.

“Get out. I didn’t ask to speak to you.”

“No.” She answered calmly, “ Why did you tell Kyojuro that being the Flame Hashira means nothing?”

“Don’t back talk to me girl! What I tell my sons is none of your business!”

“It is my business when what you’re saying affects someone I love. Did you tell him that because being a Hashira didn’t provide you with a way to actually save her?”

Shinjurou grabbed his jug and hurled it at her. She let it hit her, “GET OUT OF HERE! WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT!?”

She didn’t move, the jug shattered and covered her in sake, she kept her fists on her thighs, even though the jug hit her forehead it somehow missed striking her eyes. Eyes that she bore into Shinjurou with determination, his eyes widened as he realized she wasn’t dodging and had just taken it to the face. Blood cracked down her face,  “I know that she had great pride in you as a Hashira and a Dad, because why else would Kyojuro work so hard to obtain it.” He reached for her and she grabbed his arm, not flinching, “I know how much it hurts to be so utterly helpless as the person you cherish fades away, and not being able to do anything. You feel like your entire body is being destroyed from the inside and it hurts so much to feel you’d do anything to be numb. To feel the poison in your chest every time you have to look at a true monster who’s still alive when you lost someone who was pure love and kindness and did nothing but good in their life.” She flattened her hand so it was resting against his, and placed her other hand on his wrist, his body shaking as he glared at her, “I know that she left you two amazing, beautiful sons that emanate her because everything Kyojuro does he does because of her. They’re not just your sons, they were hers too, they have her in them, and I can’t just sit by and keep watching you punish them for that by removing yourself from their lives and being so hostile towards them. How can you love her and yet be so cruel to the two people she blessed you with? The only two things in this whole world that are left of her? Your sons only have love for you, in spite of everything and you are the only person who can show them the full magnificence of their mother, she deserves to be allowed to still exist here, and I wish you would bring her back into their lives. I know you’re afraid of losing them, I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be for you every time Kyojuro leaves on an assignment. But you can’t protect him lying in here reading. You can’t be a bystander in his life and still hope to protect him.”

Shinjurou glared at her, frozen, but his eyes getting moist. She put her hands down and gently pulled herself from his grasp, “Excuse me.” She whispered, bowing before getting up and walking out of the room, not looking at him so she doesn’t see that he’s still frozen in place. She slid the door shut and looked down at Kyojuro who was staring into the room, tears in his eyes, he looked up at her, being brought back to the present as she moved the door. She kneeled down and gently cupped his face in her hands, wiping his tears away she gave him a gentle reassuring smile, now noticing that her body was shaking with the confrontation being over. She was feeling so many things she couldn’t quite figure out which feeling was making her tremble. She could tell Kyojuro was trying to figure out what to address first, her shaking, bleeding or that she was drenched.

“I’m fine, Tanjiro’s not the only one with a hard head, but some fresh clothes would be appreciated.” Kyojuro hugged her and led her to his room where he gave her one of Mitsuri’s old training outfits. She changed and then cleaned up her face, Kyojuro insisting on helping her bandage the cut running diagonally across the center of her forehead.

“Y/N you should have stopped it--I should have stepped in--”

“I needed to get my point across, and he needed to know I wasn’t trying to fight him.” She smiled, “I just hope he at least considers what I said. Your Dad is still alive, by some miracle given all the sake he drinks, and I just...I know you want your Dad back, and I want to do everything I can to bring him back to you. He might not listen to me still, but it was worth a shot.” She ran to the door, “Senjuro Kyojuro said he didn’t want his sweet potatoes and I can have them!” She grinned and ran out of the room.

“Hey wait a minute I did not! Senjuro don’t listen to her!” Kyojuro raced out of the room after her. He managed to get to the dining room just seconds after she did and tackled her, pinning her down, “Those are mine!” She hit him in the stomach with her knees knocking him off as Senjuro came into the room with a fourth plate. “I’ll be right back, I’m going to take--” Senjuro froze as he looked at the door, Shinjurou stood there, he looked at Y/N and Kyojuro. The pair immediately sat up properly.

“D-Dad?” Senjuro stuttered.

Link to Ch. 2: https://teamfreewill56-blog.tumblr.com/post/654545159409795072/it-means-nothing-ch2

[defdaily]

‪[TRANSLATION] Arena Homme+ Magazine April 2021 Issue featuring JAY B

Translated by defdaily.

JAY B is free and starting again from scratch. That is what JAY B has in mind. GOT7’s leader announced that he would be leaving JYPE as the group stays together. JAY B is preparing to debut as a solo musician while planning to also release mixtapes and hold exhibitions as Def. We had a chat with JAY B, who has gained more freedom and strength, at the swimming pool about courage, depression, literature and aspirations.

Did you come here alone?

Yes. I took a taxi here. I was the type to go around freely even when I was in JYPE but catching the taxi to work this time around felt new.

All GOT7 members decided to leave JYP but stay together as a group. As a leader, you needed to make a decision, right?

Although we ended up leaving JYPE, we wanted to continue as GOT7. We all agreed to leave [JYPE] and try it between ourselves.The product made from me taking responsibility/taking charge was the single 'Encore’ that was released not too long ago. I was involved in the whole process with a new record label. I was happy to see a good response [to the single]. It was lacking in some areas but I was just very proud that we were able to show a different step. Since we showed through this single that “we did not disband”, what’s next is more important. When we left JYPE, Director Jung Wook mentioned "Your role as a leader starts now." I'm realizing it now.

”I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I wanted to start again from scratch.”

Your role as a leader actually starts now.

I used to find the role of a leader burdensome at times but now I feel a greater sense of responsibility. While supporting each person’s journey, I thought I needed to be the one to step up once we got back together. We also talk regularly in our group chat. Not long ago, Jackson went to China. When Mark went to the USA, I could see him off but when Jackson was leaving, we couldn’t be together because of a schedule. So I told him to have a safe flight, apologised for not being able to see him off and thanked him too. He replied saying he’ll take care and be back.

What motivated you to leave the large agency you've been working with for a long time?

The thought came to mind suddenly as we were promoting as GOT7. Am I taking all these benefits I get for granted? When a schedule is released I just do it, and when they ask me to confirm things I do, but what kind of long process has it gone through before it came to me? Who sends a request and how is it processed? Why am I only waiting until it reaches me and simply watching it unfold? I wanted to be directly involved in that process. I wanted to learn everything about the process of releasing an album and how difficult it is. I want to be humble and start from the bottom again.

Didn't you need the courage?

Of course I did. I was also afraid. My position has risen to all the way up here, but when it comes to my actual knowledge, I think I'm only down there. I was afraid that the difference would feel too big once I left the company. But I think I would have been more afraid if I stayed at JYPE. Since that difference would have grown bigger and bigger. My real self is here, so I should face it head-on a little faster. That's what I thought.

As JAY B or as Def. who releases mixtapes and holds exhibitions, you must have had the desire to do something new.

I want to do research and build it up step by step without haste. JAY B will show hip hop and RnB music that appeals to the general public and Def. will do activities that Def. wants to do. It could be mixtapes or exhibitions, or other different kinds of fictions. Def. is the nickname I used as a bboy before I became a trainee. It’s like air floating about freely. It could be house or soul or acoustic or even modern rock. In a way, you can say that Def. is close to my “main self” but since I debuted as JAY B, I’ll also show a devoted side of myself through JAY B. I want to be a person who can do both what he has to do and what he wants to do freely.

Listening to your mixtapes, and hearing that you like the styles of D’Angelo and Ray Charles, you seem to be attached to the Southern US rhythm and blues and soul music.

I do like them a lot. I like the entire hip-hop culture that originated from there. That culture also includes DJing, graffiti and even bboying. Since I started as a bboy, I would look up older videos to watch, study the culture and also look into what each dance move symbolizes, with my bboying crew and that's how I became fascinated. What captivated me the most was their obstinacy. I felt respect towards the conviction and obstinacy they carried with their culture.

Is that mood still incorporated in your music and dance?

Yes. For example, I don’t think choreography is dance. I think dancing is when music plays and you like the rhythm and start humming and bobbing your head and moving your body. I think dancing is a free act you do out of enjoyment.

What was the reason you joined an idol group after starting out as a bboy?

I gained an interest in music too, not just dancing. When I was young, I listened to D’Angelo’s music and wanted to become a singer like him. But I was rebellious when I first joined JYPE. Haha. I was even suspended for a month once as a trainee. I definitely said hello but they said I didn’t so they said "If you're going to be stubborn, then go home" and me with my young heart replied “Then I shall head home.” and left. Then I met up with my bboying crew after a long time, and in just a few months it turned into a different world. The crew members were above me and I was worried because I could feel myself far away by myself. Should I go back to bboying? Should I continue as a trainee? In the end, I wanted to do my very best in whatever I chose so I decided to focus on becoming a singer. Since I wanted to do music, it was a choice I made with no regrets.

You started as a dancer and ended up as a main vocalist. What was music to you back then?

It was a challenge. Trainees are divided into singing and dancing. I joined as a dancer but what I wanted to do was become a singer and not just do dance. But since I was put into the dancing division, I worked even harder with singing to break that prejudice. I often felt defeated. I still feel defeated with singing. Haha. But music is about endless research. Now it’s more about research than studying.

You grew up as an only child to your parents who did farming?

I was an ordinary kid. I enjoyed Haruki’s Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage and thought the “colourless” kid was just like me. I was a calm kid who helped his parents with their farm work. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have any older siblings but they said I used to talk to myself a lot. My mother said there was a way she would know if I was home or not. If I was home, she would hear me talk to myself and be like “Oh really?” “Yes really” haha.

It’s extraordinary to read Haruki at that age.

There was an older friend that I knew and he was really cool. He looked really cool reading on the bus with his legs crossed. He said “Hey, Read a book and build up some knowledge.” As I was trying to be cool like him, I gained a favourite author and started reading more since I enjoyed it.

What kind of books do you like?

When I was a teenager I often read Kafka On The Shore. It felt like Kafka was just like me, and so while reading it, I even cried. The style of Murakami Radio was also interesting. The ending phrase “But I like that more…” was very witty. I’m collecting books from secondhand bookstores from authors who won the Young Author awards. I like Lee Jang-wook's short story Byeon Hee-bong. The main character knows the actor Byun Hee-bong, but the world doesn't know him. He would ask "Don't you know Byun Hee-bong from the movie The Host?" But no one knows. I like stories that don’t intend to be funny but they end up making me giggle.

What do you read these days?

I try to read poetry. I purchased and read the first volume that appeared on Moonji’s Poetry Collection, but it has too many Hanja characters. Haha. I started with Munhwak’s Poetry Collection. I have volumes 1 to 85. I also read poet Park Joon's collection of poems and poet Lee Eun-gyu's Affectionate Name. I even underlined and wrote things down.

Among the idols and musicians I’ve met, I think you are the most extensive reader.

We went on tours often and we would have a lot of time in my hotel room. When I went out I took pictures and when I stayed in my hotel room I read books. When I go on an overseas tour, I pack around 30 books in my suitcase. Then I bring back the books that left an impression on me, and those that didn’t sometimes I dispose of them there. These days, I look for independent publications too. I often look for independent publishing bookstores in Nakseongdae or Haebangchon. There are many books that contain honest stories that are not refined, and the power of those sentences is great.

How does reading influence your work?

The poetic expressions with poetic license help when writing lyrics. You read a new sentence and think “What is this expressing?” You receive inspiration from that image being expressed in a new way. I think of lyrics as poetry too. There are times I write how I feel honestly, but when I want to include a certain meaning I’d want to write the lyrics like poetry.

In your photo exhibition <ALONE> last year, you took pictures of objects and signs in the middle of the road.

Wouldn't it feel very lonely if you think about it from an object’s point of view? The camera captures just an instance but the object will stay there. I think each person has an insatiable loneliness. I like the artist Seonglib’s works, and I feel loneliness in his drawings. I don't know why I keep talking about loneliness, I guess I’m familiar with loneliness.

Seems like you take more pictures of objects and landscapes than people.

I don’t really like taking pictures of people. You can clearly see a person’s emotions in their eyes. I prefer hiding things rather than revealing them too much. I prefer objects, backgrounds, and natural objects rather than subjects that openly express 'It's me!'. Tranquil things, I like when you go past something and go “that’s how it was.” I try my best since my job requires being presented to people but that’s also how I am.

Who do you like as a movie director?

I like Woody Allen’s directing. My favourite is Match Point. It's a love story that goes beyond taboos, and it's electrifying. The face of the actor who secretly asks the reunited lover to give him her number remains in my memory for a long time. How could he direct such a real-looking, raw look in their eyes? When I was a theater and film major, I used to take directing classes rather than acting. If I were to direct a film, I would like to shoot an eccentric witty romantic comedy like Love Fiction directed by Jeon Gye-soo.

Are you self-conscious as an artist?

I’m interested in a variety of genres, and interact with crews often, but I think goofing off just because they are an artist is an arrogant attitude. Everyone is their own artist, no matter what they do, right? I'm not trying to be pretentious, I just think there's a difference in expression, and people who work in the office are also doing their own art. That’s why I’m a little shy about the title “artist.” Is there a need to be puffed up with pride because I’m an artist? I’m just a person.

While filming for “What's in my bag” and revealed your medications for depression and panic disorder. When did you face your depression?

I didn’t know I had depression. I thought I was being weak for a short while and let it pass. But on an occasion I got examined and found out I had depression. They asked how I lived by without going to the psychiatrist. I said I just thought I was the type to feel blue. Haha. I’m the type that doesn’t show [what is wrong] but they said I was in a state where I needed treatment. After going to counselling and taking medications, I’m much better now.

“I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but depression is both a common and dangerous illness.”

I think you’re cool for having the courage to talk about this.

I got diagnosed and looked at the people around me. There are friends who are ashamed of it and try to hide it, and there are friends who talk about it as if it’s insignificant. I just wanted to talk about it. It may not show, but it’s both a common and dangerous illness. A mental illness is an illness too. Among my fans, or those who read this interview, if there is someone who feels depressed, don’t be ashamed of it and I hope you receive treatment and overcome it. It’s not an embarrassing thing and it doesn’t need to be hidden. And I was filming content where I show what’s inside my bag; I can’t lie. I wish everyone would be healthy.

Are you bad at lying?

Yes. If I have to tell a lie, I think it’s just better to not say anything. Since I’m the type that’s honest and straightforward, I also don’t like beating around the bush.

Can you share a way one can take a step forward towards recovering from depression?

Look at the world in a broad view. Know that there are many places you haven’t been to yet and there are many things you haven’t felt yet. It's also good to take a walk and go off your usual route and take a path you've never been on. Small adventures can also be of great help. Just by leaving the house you’re already halfway there. I think there are more ways you can refresh yourself outside rather than inside. Also, I thought I was an honest person but after being diagnosed with depression, I thought I should be more honest with myself and more faithful to myself. At times like this, think of yourself before others.

What do you believe in?

I just believe in god. I don’t have a religion. I don’t know what kind of existence god is but I do believe that there is a god. When I’m thankful or am having a hard time, I pray. “Thank you.” “Please let me get through this wisely.”

What is the greatest motivation that moves you?

As long as I’m alive, I want to continue doing work that will leave a message. I believe that there is no next life. I think I should live this time diligently to the fullest. To have no regrets.

Translated by defdaily.

[helliontherapscallion]

Phantasmagoria (Adrenaline Junkie Part 16)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 6     Part 7     Part 8     Part 9     Part 10     Part 11     Part 12     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: swearing, mentions of injuries, death, depersonalization, grief

REMINDER: you are real. the topics discussed in this is fiction and not reality. you are loved and valid, hydrate and eat 3 meals a day <3

Word count: 2,645

You were in and out of it for the next few days. Whenever your eyes would crack open and you would even slightly move your arm, you would be in immense pain before you would pass out again. You could sometimes hear the voices of your family talking to you, but never Arthur. Good, he definitely shouldn’t see you like this. 

Whenever you heard Philza, he would be talking to you about all the journeys he’s been on in his hundreds of years of living. Oh yeah, you found out that he was an immortal being that can’t die. Your brain was too tired and clouded to contemplate it. 

Whenever you heard Technoblade, his monotone and deep voice always eased your worries. It gave you something to focus on; if anything, his voice was the one that cut through the fog the most. He would always recite Greek myths to you, often telling you that you reminded him of a few characters. 

Whenever you heard Wilbur, all you heard was him asking you questions such as ‘how was your day’ or ‘what do you think of someone-so’. He would talk to you as if you were conscious, often having one sided conversations with you. Sometimes he would bring his guitar and compose new songs, asking you if he should keep a lyric or if he should throw it away. 

Whenever you heard Tommy, it broke your weak heart. It was like your little brother was a completely different person; his usually loud and upbeat tone was reduced to a quiet and broken one. He was the one that wouldn’t talk much, instead he would sit with you and eventually after a day or two (you think) of silence he would play his jukebox. But whenever he did talk (which was rare) he would tell you how scared he was seeing you like that on the table. 

As time passed, you could feel yourself slipping deeper and deeper into your subconscious. It was like you were fading away, but you couldn’t fight against it. You wouldn’t fight against it; you could feel your pain fading and it was a great relief. You only wished you could hear your family’s voices before you completely left them, they were fading as well. Eventually, everything slipped into nothingness and you felt… euphoric. 

When you opened your eyes, everything was black. You were sure that you had your eyes open, so why was everything so dark? Was this the afterlife? You expected it to be more… heavenly. However, you weren’t complaining; your entire body felt light and you felt waves of peace waft over you. This was nice. You didn’t have much time to relax while you were living. 

After a while of staring into nothingness and just peacefully floating in one place, you became restless. Sure this was nice, but your hands itched to tinker with something. You’ve never done well with sitting in one place for too long, that’s always been your weakness. You tried to push your body off from anything so you could at least float around, but that proved useless when there was nothing to push off from. When you tried flapping your wings- well, wing- you only succeeded in spinning in circles. At least you thought you were spinning in circles, the inky abyss was unchanging and it was starting to mess with your perception. Your senses felt like they were deprived, but the worst thing about it was the overwhelming silence. 

So, you talked to yourself to fill the ringing silence. You were merely voicing your thoughts, repeating your lessons you’ve taught Arthur over the last few weeks. After a while, you were running out of things to talk to yourself about. So, you sighed and crossed your arms. They were very pale, you were actually dead this time, huh? You could only wait to see your brothers and Arthur when it was their time, hoping that they wouldn’t come to you too soon. It pained you to remember that you would probably never see Philza again, but who knows; the universe has a strange way of working. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, (y/n).” You screamed at the soft voice that cut through the overwhelming silence and whipped your head around. There stood a woman that looked to be in her early thirties with long black hair and tanned skin. You could not see the upper half of her face as it was covered by a crow mask, however her eyes glowed a bright white. She was smiling at you with melancholy and bittersweet happiness. The two giant white feathered wings sprouted from her back were glowing slightly. The powerful and intense aura that loomed around her was the complete antithesis of the gentle smile she was giving you. 

“Calm down,” she flew over to you and wove her hand in the air. You immediately felt a wave of calm ease over you. “That’s better. You’ve been through so much, my little fledgling.” Her little fledgling? That was something you’ve recently started to call Arthur. 

“Who are you?”

“Oh where are my manners? I’m Kristin, the Goddess of Death. I wish I didn’t have to do this, but I’m here for your life.” You hummed, “that makes sense.” She tilted her head slightly and somehow the eyeholes of the mask morphed into an eyebrow raise. Was that her actual face? “You’re not scared of death?” 

“No, I’ve already died twice- no, three times already. But this is- it’s different. Is that because I’ve lost my last life?”

“You’ll find out in due time. Ender, you’re everything Phil described you as and then some.”

You perked up slightly, “you know my Dad?” Her airy chuckle brought you even more at ease, “of course I do, he’s my husband.”

You gaped at her, “so does that- does that make you my mom?”

“Only if you’re comfortable with it, I wouldn’t want to push you into something you didn’t want.”

“I’ve always wanted a mom. D-don’t get me wrong, Dad’s done more than enough for me he’s an amazing parent-”

“I understand and I’d love to be the mother of someone so smart. You’re destined to do great things one day, my little fledgling.” You tilted your head slightly, “greater than being an inventor?”

She nodded, her black locks swaying with the movement, “greater than being an inventor. Our time together is coming to a close.” She flew over gracefully and pulled you into a hug. You reciprocated it. Her hug felt warm and welcoming. It was hard to believe that she was the Goddess of Death, you always thought Kristin would be ruthless and cruel. 

“You will face many trials and tribulations and you must persevere through them. This is indeed your reality, but you share it. Do not be afraid to ask for help. The world can be a lonely place, but remember that you are never truly alone.” 

She pulled away from you and placed a gentle kiss on your forehead, the beak of her mask poking you. Suddenly, the weightlessness feeling disappeared and you felt a tugging sensation from deep within your chest. Your body was sent flying through the abyss, the gripping sensation you felt in your inner chest felt very intimate somehow. After a bit of screaming, you were still flying through the void. You had no idea how long you were flying for, but eventually you just crossed your arms and went limp in the mysterious embrace. Aaaanny time now. 

Eventually you saw a pinprick of light far off into the distance and it was rapidly approaching you. You sighed out a drawn out “finally.” And watched as it came at you at mach speed. After you crashed into it, everything went white. 

You jolted up with wide eyes and looked around panting. You saw the walls of your childhood room? So you didn’t die? Then what the hell were you doing in the void? You were so sure that you died permanently. That you lost your last life. When you glanced out the window, everything was dark. When you sat up, you felt the familiar tugging sensation of the scar tissue around the base of your wing, except it was less intense and you had less mobility in your right shoulder. You glanced at the hearts on your wrist expecting to see three empty outlines. Instead, two ruby red hearts stared at you.

Impossible. Impossible. You were in your last life so even if you didn’t die, you should still only be in your last life. Your second life was taken from you in an explosion. It should not show up on your wrist. Furrowing your eyebrows, you ignored the sound of the door opening and footsteps rushing towards you. You ignored hands appearing in your vision and hovering unsure above your hand. 

You only looked up when the hand grabbed your wrist and blocked the two perplexing ruby red hearts. You saw Philza with a look of immense relief on his face. “How’re you feeling?”

“I don’t know.” You looked back at your covered wrist and took it out of Philza’s grasp, staring at the two red hearts again in confusion. “I-I should only have one life. Where’s Arthur? Ender, he’s probably so scared. Did you leave my prosthetic in the cave?” Your rapid fire questioning was stopped by a hand on your shoulder. 

“Slow down, you only just respawned.” You threw your hands up in frustration (well, you tried with your right arm, it only moved to about two thirds of your full range of movement before you felt a slight pain and a stretching sensation), “how the hell do I respawn when I was on my last life?” 

“You aren’t-”

“Yes I am! Fuck man, how do you forget that?! First time: Warden. Second time: explosion! I know I just died for the last time, so how am I still here?!” You glared up at him. It astonished you that he just forgot about the first two times you died. Who forgets their own kids’ deaths? It takes a real monster to forget things like that. 

“(Y/n), you’ve only died once and that was because the infection you got was too severe,” he put a gentle hand on your shoulder and pulled you into a hug. You pushed him away and seethed, “How do you not remember! Ender, did the last two and a half years just escape you? You’re fucking immortal, almost three years is nothing to you!” 

“Two and a half- (y/n). Two and a half years ago you were fourteen and you were barely just learning how to do tricks midair.”

“No, I’m twenty years old! How the fuck do you forget your own kid’s age?” 

“You turned seventeen six months ago, (y/n).” 

You ran a frustrated hand through your hair and laughed sardonically, “I’m not dealing with your bullshit right now. Where’s Arthur?” You stood up with shaky legs and swatted his hands away. “I don’t know an Arthur. Please lay back down, you’re-”

“First you forget my deaths, next my age, and now Arthur?! What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Where is he?” You gritted the last sentence out through clenched teeth.

“Who-”

“Curly red hair, freckles, always smiling, about yay high,” you flailed your hand from side to side rapidly at your mid torso, “your grandson. That ring a bell?”

“No because I don’t have a grandson. Sit down, I think I know what’s happening.”

“No. Not until I see Arthur.” You brushed his shoulder as you walked by him and out of the room. You could hear him following behind you, but you ignored him. After you ripped Arthur’s door open, you paused in the doorway. 

The entire room was decorated with Wilbur’s belongings. Instead of random bags of redstone dust and small contraptions that Arthur was too proud of to throw away, piles of sheet music and the occasional book was strewn about. Instead of the poster of you Arthur had hung up on the wall (you had laughed at it at first, he still geeked out over you even though you were his parent), a picture of the family was there. Despite it being a sweet picture (it was one of the very few ones of the family where everybody was smiling at the artist and not moving around), it shook you to your core. “A-Arthur?” You whispered in a broken voice. What was going on, where was he? 

You faintly felt someone put a hand on your shoulder. You however stood frozen clutching the door handle in your hand until you walked over to the nightstand. It was completely barren except for the glasses case sitting near the lamp. This isn’t right, this isn’t right at all. Arthur’s things should be there, not Wilbur’s. 

“No, no, no, no this isn’t right.” You broke off into mumbling while staring at Arthur’s (or Wilbur’s?) nightstand desperately trying to find the feather hidden somewhere. Once again, you felt a hand on your upper arm. “Everything’s right, (y/n).” You said nothing as you stared at the glasses case on the nightstand. “C’mon, let’s go sit down.” You barely registered him leading you gently back to your room and handing you a glass of water. “(Y/n)?” 

“Why is his stuff just- just gone? Everything was there before I left.”

Philza was silent for a moment, his feathers ruffling and brushing against your arm. “...Sometimes when a person’s been through something traumatic and they’re about to die, they sort of… make up their own reality without knowing that they’re doing it. It’s the brain’s way of coping. 

“This reality could last anywhere from a few days to years for them with the events seeming real, but in actuality only a few minutes have passed and nothing that the person thinks happened actually happened. It’s just the person’s subconscious mind playing out scenarios that they think would happen or wished had happened.”

You felt like you were previously walking on a stable sheet of ice before you were plunged into the icy abyss of unknowing. You felt several emotions coursing through your veins ranging from anxiety and frustration to grief and disbelief. The cup of water in your hands became incredibly blurry before you were pulled into his chest. He wrapped his arms and wings around you tightly and held your face securely against his shoulder. He started rocking you back and forth as you felt the tears silently leave your eyes and your breathing shudder. You felt yourself start to sob when a barrage of thoughts came and the reality of the situation hit you.

None of your inventions actually existed.

L’manberg doesn’t exist. 

Your name was unknown.

The last two and a half years were pointless.

Arthur doesn’t exist. 

Your precious Artie, the little boy that idolized you, begged for you to teach him everything you knew, followed you around like a little duckling, held your feather against his chest as he slept, enthusiastically asked you if you could take him flying, your little fledgling, your pride and joy, your son, didn’t fucking exist. You were never going to see his smile again. You were never going to laugh with him as you took him into the clouds. You were never going to cook breakfast with him again. He was never going to give you magnets again. He was never going to ask you to teach him something or ask you to help him with his own inventions. He was gone and there was nothing you could do to get him back. 

“I- I prom-mised him that I’d never leave him.” You sobbed into his shoulder, clutching onto his shirt. “I fucking promised him and I’m never gonna see him again.”

(A/N): ok so a little explanation, chapters 4-mid 15 didn’t actually happen. It was in the reader’s mind as after they passed out in chapter 3. There was foreshadowing (esp in chapter 4, I consider chapter 4 to be the chapter where the brain is getting used to the illusion it set up (hence the title “what is real”)). It explains why the reader couldn’t remember their own death. The line “You were probably still in the cave bleeding out as your delirious mind turned stone into the comforting walls of your home. You were probably imagining hearing your dad’s voice in a last chance to comfort yourself as you neared your impending doom” was pretty self explanatory. In the last chapter, the souls saying “wake up, we need to get you out of here” and “don’t leave me” were Philza’s voice cutting through (”The voices ranged from... familiar to unfamiliar”)

General taglist (comment if you want to be added):

@crybabyjabby  @izzybobizzy13  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @bunnyz-pxstel  @averytiredfanfictionwriter  @dcml04  @sparkling-gayyyy  @bbigbbrainn  @thaticecreambish  @kiinokochii  @satansphatass  @bxkubitch  @bxmentchildxx  @roxy3457  @montygator17  @feverish-dove  @the-fictionwriters-hairdo  @jichuuchaeng  @404rynnotfound  @luluwinchester  @laura--444  @the-cult-classic-bitch  @youngstarfishdinosaur  @nottheotheruser  @ohworm-writes  @localwolfanon  @realitycanbeajerk  @v10dw4lk3r

GN and male reader taglist (comment if you want to be added):

@twitchchatvroom

Series taglist (comment if you want to be added):

@acecarddraws @ravennightingaleandavatempus  @dirtydiavolo  @yeiras-world  @immadatmostthings  @hee-hee-haw  @jackalopedoodles  @m1lkmandan  @vanhakirja  @im-a-depressed-gay  @coolleviauchihadreamerlove  @questioning-sanity  @camisascam  @bongwaterflavoredgatorade  @kakamiissad  @jayistrash4  @lifestylesleep  @speedymaximoff  @sun-shark-tooth  @appetiteofapeoplepleaser  @lestrangenymph  @kinismanditory  @dragons-lurk-here  @rinzyx05  @the-wandering-pan-ace  @angelic-scent  @shinipii  @dont-hug-me-im-a-fander  @izzydimensional  @used-avocado  @wing-non  @lovely-echoo  @i-am-scared-and-useless-bisexual  @mysteryartisticwriter  @momo-has-a-gun  @misfortunatem00n  @w-0-r-n-n  @v-kouya  @kusuinko  @cheybaee  @dulcedippers  @jaciahbabes  @prlan  @hummingbird-lightningstrike  @pog-sad-muffin  @prickypearpropaganda  @thegeekisheere  @self-righteous-dumbass  @solar-idiot

[plush-rabbit]

Mental Toll - Brothers.

Request: My mom kicked me out, her 15 year old daughter out of her house. And I've been staying with my aunt but everything is taking a mental toll on me . Can I get a Beel, mammon, Leviathan, or asmo comfort?

A/N: Sweetheart, I’m sorry for this. It can be all so difficult for you, but please take care of yourself. Remember that nothing is your fault, you’re a child, you’re gonna be okay. Please don’t keep these emotions bottled up (im also assuming this is comfort on your situation, so yeah)

-

Mammon:

You’ll always have a place with him. He’s taken on a guardian role for you and while he might have hated it at first, he’s grown attached to you. Your guardians in the Human Realm don't matter. They decided to leave you, so now you’re here with him and he isn’t going to abandon you anytime soon. Mammon may not know what to do when he finds you crying and unable to speak, but he cares and he’ll try to show that to you, telling you that you can bunk with him for the night- you get to take his bed and he’ll sleep on the couch, you don’t have to be alone.

He isn’t exactly the best at comforting, using a bit too many words only to come up short, but once that initial nervousness wears off, he’s comforting. He’s taken care of a child before- granted they were much younger, and was then put into the care of witches- he knows what a scared kid looks like. He’ll offer what he can to you and let you rest your head on his bicep as he listens to you ramble about what happened. He won’t ever push for you to talk, but it might help sort out all those feelings that are bubbling up inside of you.

Of course it’s difficult for the both of you. He isn’t too knowledgeable about the mentality and fragility of a human mind and emotions but he can assume to be essentially kicked out of a parent’s home can be rough. He’s dealt with it before even if he knew the risks. He remembers the nights of pain and agony, the silent suffering that was thick in the air, and the lack of self-care. He comes in with a small meal every day, grabbing random vitamins that he thinks might be good for you, and just lets you rest. You see a more hidden side of Mammon, the one that cares too much, that acts almost like a parental figure and have a comforting smile and gives nice hugs.

You aren’t free to rest forever. He’s also seen what that kind of damage that can do to someone's mental health. He won’t ever pressure you to go out and do something you don’t want to, but you do have to move from the spot on his bed. You can hide yourself in his room for as long as you want, but you can’t live your life stuck in a bed. He knows that that isn’t good for anyone. You’ll have all the space that you could want and need, but you need to also talk to him and take care of yourself.

It’s his role as your guardian to take care of you and make sure that nothing bad would happen to you- you being in the Human Realm makes no difference to that. You’re still under his protection and he’ll take care of you as much as he can. Mammon can be brash, and have his sin take over, but it isn’t all that he is. He can be selfless and take care of you and let you just relax around him. There’s no pressure put on you and he’ll protect you. He promises that- he’s a demon, he’s lived for a long time and he’ll live for an even longer time and as long as he’s around, he’ll protect you.

Leviathan:

Coming to Leviathan is certainly a choice. He cares- of course he does! But, he doesn’t know what to do. Of course he knows how it feels, but it was different and so long ago and buried under memories and the fictional world, that he chose to forget that. It’s different with you. You’re a child who’s crying and at a loss for a parent that left them and it must hurt. He’s awkward, but he’ll sit by you and have a hand on your back telling you to take all the time that you need. He’s always here in his room after all, so you can always find him.

In the beginning, he doesn’t know what to do. Surely, there should be words or tips online that could help him translate his words and feelings better than “that sucks.” An apology feels so fake and unsure and he doesn't want that for you. You deserve something real, an actual meaningful interaction that might help you but he comes up blank. He doesn’t know what exactly he should say, so he just lets you rest beside him as he tells you his own encounter with abandonment and what helped him.

He tries to make you feel better in a way that helps him- via distractions. It helped him and maybe it could help you. You like to spend time with him so you both must share some type of interest in common. He feels so proud of himself when he offers you to read his manga or play some of his games. It’s a nice distraction and depending on what you choose, it can be a great way to just open up emotions and see what could effectively help trigger just that blockade of emotions for the both of you. You don’t have to do it, but it proves to be nice to just immerse yourself in some fictional tale.

Eventually, he starts to read what you read once you’ve fallen asleep. You gravitated towards it for a reason and it’s easier to talk to you like that. You get to be the hero, the protagonist or whoever you want, and he knows the struggles that they go through. He can help through an outside glance. It starts off simple, just him mentioning comments, prying for information about why you like a certain character and then in just a blink of an eye, you’re crying. You opened up and he’s by your side.

Comforting you is a bit awkward, but what could he expect. He sits by you and lets you talk through your emotions even if it makes no sense- your words are garbled and out of order- but he gets the main point of it. Leviathan understands that you’re hurting and who wouldn’t be. You’re a child, and the love of a parental figure means a lot. He might not be confident to have that type of relationship with you, but he can certainly be a big brother who lets you come into his room and sleep in a futon that he has when you’re feeling particularly lonely.

Asmodeus:

His eyes are sad, the usual glow and glimmer dimmed and his smile once beautiful and stretched, it pulled into a soft frown. Even in sadness, he still looks beautiful. With a gentle pull, he brings you into his room, and lets you set your stuff down on the floor. Asmodeus holds your face in his hands and gingerly wipes away your tears. You’ve had such a long day and it’s no secret that he has the best bath in the house, so he lets you go use it in order to destress, just enough to clean yourself and have time to gather your feelings and thoughts.

The room is suited to him and to only him, but he figures that you wouldn’t want to be alone. He has to rid some of the extra pillows on the bed, rid of the stronger scents in the room in order to not congest you more, and just declutter his room a bit more. It’s suited for him, a demon who can and lives for the finer things, but for you, he needs you to be able to breathe. The sheets are replaced, the towel that he has set for you soft and fluffy and the clothes clean and smelling like the house, a much better scent than the stitched to your clothes. He sends it to you via magic, wanting you to come to him when you’re ready.

When you approach him, he gives you a comforting smile and pats the bed beside him. He grabs your hand and massages it slowly, telling you that he’ll be here for you if you need anything. You can talk to him or choose not to, and he won’t pressure you in the slightest. You can take your time to talk to him. He feels a bit bad that he can’t tell you that everything will be okay, he knows it will, so sure of it that he’d bet himself on it, but it isn't what you want to hear. You just need to know that he’s right there by your side.

For now, you’re okay. You’re safe in his room and he likes being an older brother- at least to a few. He likes to spoil people rotten, and he gets to do that with you. You get to have everything good and shiny. You’re going to be okay when you stick with him, because he won’t let anything happen to you. He’s going to be your new home, your new big brother.

The process is tough, and he doesn’t rush anything. It’s subtle with Asmodeus and being ever so careful with his appearance, he makes sure to take care of yours. Mental health is so fragile and he just wants you to be okay. He’ll offer substitutions if certain activities can feel a bit too difficult for you, but he doesn’t push too much. You still have to take care of yourself and it might feel overbearing, but he needs to take care of you.

Beelzebub:

Family means everything to Beelzebub. At the very end of it, it’s part of the core of who he is. He feels your pain and is empathetic when you tell him what happened and he holds you close, letting you rest on his bed as he sits on the edge with a comforting hand rubbing circles on your back. He’s a demon, he knows just how cruel others can be, and yet, to see someone hurt someone as young as you, it makes him sick.

Your tears hit him hard and he can only hug you as you cry into him about your situation. There are too many emotions inside of you and it must be so difficult for you to handle all of them and he wishes he could help take that away, but he can only hold you and make sure that you sleep in a position that won’t hurt your neck once the tears have tired you out. It’s the little things that he does for you until you come to him and explain everything to him, and he’ll listen and won’t interrupt.

During this time, he tries to not be imposing. He doesn’t want you to run from him so he’ll give you time to come to him when you’re ready. He checks up on you often, knocking on your door and entering with a few snacks. He’ll stay if you ask him and talk to you about mundane stuff. A part of him wonders if that’s really what you want to hear, but he can’t say anything different. He doesn’t know what it is that you want to hear and he doesn’t want to pressure you any further. Anyways, it seems like you like to listen to him during these moments. Maybe, he provides a nice distraction.

He’ll always make sure that he has his phone on him in case you need him. He’s told you before that you can contact him whenever you want, and that he’ll come running to you. He’s sure it’s his big brother instincts taking over. He may be the sixth brother, but it doesn’t remove the fact that he has a twin. It’s only by his power that he ranks sixth. With you, he can be a big brother and be the cool and caring type that takes care of you. You can always come to him whenever you need something and he’ll make sure to give you whatever you want.

It comes to no surprise that you two develop a strong bond and you start to stick to him and he welcomes that. He won’t leave you alone unless you ask him to and he always makes sure to include you in whatever activity he has. During lunch, he’ll sit with you and listen to you and he’s glad that you're starting to feel better around him. You’ve both grown quite attached and he tries to do good by you. Beelzebub will give you whatever you need because beside his twin, you’re the youngest in the family. He’ll reassure you that nothing is your fault, that you’re only a child and that you’ll be okay. You’ve been there for him and he’ll be there for you.

[twigwing]

major spoilers for orv chapters 119, 277, 282, 305, 455, 488, other chapters. seriously don’t look at this if you aren’t done reading the novel lmao

thinking a lot about the ways kim dokja interacts with people in regards to vulnerability again. i would have to reread the entire novel with the goal of looking for and bookmarking that stuff specifically to really get to the meat of it all cuz it’s like, a major part of his character, but from the things i have observed and can re-find easily he makes me feel very. Augh. a moment that’s so important to me is when you first really get into his backstory, it’s delivered to us via him confiding in yoo sangah. big moment!! but he doesn’t like... entirely choose to do so actually? ysa just happened to overhear him angrily talking with his mother and she just happened to not leave it alone, so he caved because he was already all worked up about it and she was willing to listen

wow this got really long and has little to no structure uhhh [cuts it]

like. (text bolded by me for emphasis)

Disgusting. Now she wanted to act like a mother. Too many rivers had been crossed to go back now.

I couldn't bear it anymore and stood up. "That's right. I think that fiction is like reality. Why? It is because I have always been living that way."

"…"

"Maybe it seems pathetic to you. However, know this. At least I didn't sell 'reality as fiction' like you did."

I left the tent with these last words. Cool air entered my coat's collar and reached my body. I looked in front of me and saw the slightly startled Yoo Sangah.

"I-I'm sorry… Dokja-ssi was late…"

It was difficult. No, rather than difficult… It was shameful.

"Do you think it is strange? Why are a mother and son talking like that?"

"That's not true."

She was lying. It was extremely strange.

"Do you want to know?"

Yoo Sangah's eyes shook for a moment. "…If you don't mind."

I smiled bitterly. Yes, now was the time to talk.

and i think it’s really important that ysa is the one who got to hear it directly from him first because she seemed to earnestly want to get to know him at the company. she at least didn’t leave him alone (or worse, antagonize him) the way so many others did. she would make an effort to say hi to him and try interacting with him she rly saw his miserable detached-from-the-world self and was like “this guy looks painfully lonely. i will friend him” it’s good. she is one of the very few people that knew kdj before the scenarios and not just knowing of him but was actively around him in his space trying to connect (ch 2, ch 371) and still continued to approach him earnestly during the scenarios (though it eventually got more and more difficult. due to the [gestures at the novel] everything)

anyway with the trauma dumping. he’s so like. mean about it. it really really genuinely feels like someone carrying such a deep pain who has reached a limit just saying anything to alleviate some of the ache no matter how much it hurts them or the listener and the narration even says as much. he’s not the composed business-like yjh-emulating scenarios-era kim dokja right now. he’s just someone who is actively aching and ysa is just the one who is there with him for it. like i’ve had this type of conversation from both sides before and it sucks and no one is all that happy about it but still it’s happening

"I thought it was quite well-known at the company. Yoo Sangah-ssi didn't know?"

There was no answer from Yoo Sangah. She had belatedly realized that she had touched a wound she shouldn't have touched.

"Do you feel even stranger now? What she did was illegal, but you are wondering why I would hate my mother for that."

"No! I'm not Dokja-ssi so I don't fully understand…"

"Honestly, do you think I should forgive her?"

Yoo Sangah couldn't say anything. It couldn't be helped. The touched wound had already burst.

"Dokja-ssi…"

"My relatives also said this. My mother is a murderer. How dare she slip her face into the newspapers?"

Yoo Sangah wanted to say something but I kept going.

"It was a bit hard because of this. No, it was hard for a long time."

"…"

I didn't want an answer. I didn't want her to understand in the first place. Maybe this was the ugliest form of violence I could do against Yoo Sangah, who grew up in a well-off family. It was an arbitrary display of unhappiness forced onto someone who would never understand.

The kind Yoo Sangah would grieve knowing that it was impossible for her to understand. I laughed at the unknown sense of victory. "I'm sorry. It was a joke."

and then like, kdj clearly being so worked up over it and then going actually it was a joke!! nevermind!!! and he calms down because she just... silently holds his hand...

"It was a lie. Were you fooled? Do you think there is a novel like this? My mother and I are ordinary people and my father had an accident when I was young…"

Then something small and soft gripped my hand. The texture was so warm that I forgot what I was about to say. For a while… I stopped walking.

Yoo Sangah wasn't looking at me. Thus, I wasn't looking at her either. We walked hand in hand without facing each other. It was as if this alone was sufficient. Strangely, my heart gradually calmed.

[The exclusive skill, 'Fourth Wall' is shaking faintly.]

Perhaps it was due to the realistic body temperature.

this is probably the first time anyone has ever actually listened to him, without ulterior motives or nasty presumptions. the first time anyone has taken his pain this seriously. the first time anyone has reached out this way. and like, in a way it sucks that ysa was steamrolled, it would’ve been nice to hear what she wanted to say to him, but i think there wasn’t any other way this exchange could have happened? i don’t think he would have listened to anything ysa could possibly say to him. she said it herself, she doesn’t understand him! and i think anything she could’ve said may have just made him more worked up and he probably would’ve done something really stupid out of some misplaced sense of emotional revenge. early on when it comes to his mom/past he can get Mean even when it isn’t the whole of how he truly feels (ch 172)

My mother was silent for a moment. The silence cheered me up a bit. The fact that my mother expected me to love her and the idea that I could hurt her feelings excited me.

and then later, in ch 277, again with yoo sangah

I looked up at the sound of knocking and saw Yoo Sangah watching me from the door. "I'm sorry Dokja-ssi. Am I disturbing you?"

"No. I called you."

he reached out to her first! but...

We silently faced each other across the small table. I called her but I couldn't easily bring up the topic. Yoo Sangah must have many questions for me as well. I told her, "Just ask."

"In fact, I've been thinking about Dokja-ssi for quite some time." Her tone sounded like she had been waiting. "Why do you know the future that others don't know? How could you be so calm in such situations and always find answers that others haven't thought of?"

"Then did you find out something?"

"I seem to know some things while others don't feel right."

Perhaps Yoo Sangah had been studying me. Just as she studied Spanish with the app, Yoo Sangah would've studied people. As always, she reached meaningful results before anyone else.

[about some constellations and their ■■ implying ‘end’] “Now… Dokja-ssi has become one of them." Yoo Sangah was staring at me with complicated eyes. Her trembling eyes held feelings that she herself couldn't measure.

I replied, "It is a good thing."

"…It is good?"

"Now I can finally try something." I smiled. However, Yoo Sangah didn't smile back.

"After the destruction of the world, I thought Dokja-ssi was happier. You laughed more often than before and seemed more vigorous… thus, you looked good. By the way…" Yoo Sangah bowed her head. "Dokja-ssi, why do you think this world is fiction?"

Yoo Sangah didn't know me. What was 'fiction' to me? What did this world mean to me? I couldn't explain or describe it.

"Ah, I'm sorry Dokja-ssi. I was presumptuous…"

Nevertheless, the only person who could tell me such things was Yoo Sangah. She was a person who noticed things that nobody cared about.

...and then it’s heavily implied then later confirmed in ch 282 he outright tells her he’s going to sacrifice himself for them again, and that he’ll leave them in her care

"Sangah-ssi, what's going on?"

"Huh? Ah, yes. It's nothing.

Yoo Sangah, who was staring blankly into space, reacted with surprise. Her pupils were empty. Jung Heewon realized that something was strange [...]

I heard the cries of the party members and told them the necessary stories. Really. I really only told them what they needed.

[Please live.]

My head tickled as horns emerged from it. My back was sore from the wings. I could hear the screams of Jung Heewon and cries of Lee Hyunsung. The children reached out for me. Yoo Sangah, who heard the story from me in advance, couldn't take her eyes off me while crying. Yoo Sangah would do things well.

orv puts a lot of emphasis on how hard it is to reach out to people in both the physical and emotional sense and it makes me Explode. from ch 488 specifically

[...] In this world where only victims existed, no, a world where the wounds of the victims were in full display, here was the lone hand full of scars extending out to her.

⸢Kim Dokja was already extending his hand out from there.⸥

It wasn't just the person reaching out, but the one grasping that hand also required courage to do so.

Courage to hold that scarred hand, courage not to give up.

Even if she knew this wouldn't heal her, even if she knew that holding that hand would only inflict her with a greater wound – courage to hold that hand in order to live for one more time.

⸢Some salvations aren't completed by the one giving them out, but by those receiving them.⸥

[HOWLING LIKE A WOUNDED BEAST]

anywayyyyy. something i really love about kdj in particular is that he does actually seem to be a guy who likes affection. physical touch is comforting, and he expresses enjoying being fussed over and cared for (ch 305, occasionally during the JTTW remake (WHICH I COULD TALK AT LENGTH ABOUT THE THINGS HE THINKS ABOUT DURING THAT ARC MY GOD.), other times but i forget them atm cuz they’re usually passing moments). ultimately what he lacks most isn’t the desire/want/need, because he has plenty of that, but the courage

i’m also unsure how much of this thought/observation is him baseline vs him in scenarios (though i would assume he was the same due to the fact he worked minimum wage jobs since he was a teen and then the getting further ground to dust by life) but one of his issues seems to be like. believing there isn’t time or space for certain things? like in ch 305 when they forced him to take a nap he went “sweet” cuz he decided there was enough time for that

「 In fact, he could wake up anytime he wanted but Kim Dokja didn't do this. 」

Thus, I decided to be the audience of the play.

「 For the first time since the fall began, Kim Dokja slept comfortably. 」

It was the first time I felt this way. My heart was always impatient. Now I could be protected by someone. There were people I could trust.

–Take a break, Dokja-ssi.

…Yes, there was still some time until the 46th scenario. The moment I made up my mind, a full sleep came over me.

but then when they forced him to take an actual everyone kick back relax break in ch 455+ he was like What The Fuck. What The Fuck. because he decided there wasn’t ANY time for that we have a big scenario JUST around the corner

"Just what is going on…?"

"This is the workers' revolution, dumbass."

"Okay, you've been harping on about a revolution and whatnot for a while now, but…"

"Argh, I just want to take a damn break. Do I need to spell it out for you??"

I frowned after she berated me.

Taking a break?

"What are you talking about? Don't you know what era we're in right now?"

"What era are we in, then?"

I wasn't sure what to say when she retorted back like that. What did she mean by 'what' era we were in?

[Currently, the Nebula <Kim Dokja's Company> possesses the qualification to enter the Final Scenario.]

[Remaining time to enter the scenario is: 28 days, 12 hours, 15 minutes and 7 seconds.]

28 DAYS LMFAO kdj get off the grind!!!! go lay down!!!!!!!

idk this is really rambling and disjointed i just like him. i’m a kim dokja love account i’m gonna tie him to a chair and feed him room temperature soup just the way he likes it. you are loved (threat)

[ebp-brain]

the wolfstar fandom and the problem of gender policing

To begin with: some gay men are femme, and that’s okay. Some are not, and that’s also okay. When someone is telling you that only a certain gender presentation is allowed from a fictional character, that’s not activism or advocacy; that’s gender policing. Even if you’re a woman or nonbinary person writing about cis gay men, it’s still gender policing—you are allowed to explore the full range of gender and sexuality in your own life and art. It’s easy to be taken in by statements on Tumblr about How To Write Good Queer Representation, because we want to be good people, and we understand that the language we use and the stories we tell are important. But our desire to be good people can be manipulated until we don’t recognize that we are participating in harmful behavior, or that we are being impacted by bullying.

If you’re in the Wolfstar fandom and you’re feeling alienated, lonely, confused, hurt, or angry because of things you’ve been hearing about what Sirius’ gender presentation “should” look like: you are not alone. There has been a longstanding problem in this fandom (for at least two years as of early 2021) with some vocal, active, popular fan writers telling other people how they should depict Sirius’ and Remus’—especially Sirius’—relationship to gender and sexuality. Generally, they suggest that depicting gay men as femme or feminine is homophobic. In particular, they say that writing/drawing Sirius as femme, feminine, flamboyant, short, “whiny,” or a sub or bottom is Bad. The logic is that because there’s a stereotype about gay men being feminine, all depictions of feminine gay men are homophobic. Because these voices are so loud and have such intense, aggressive support, it is easy to feel that you are Bad if you disagree with them, or to think that you’re alone in your disagreement. You’re not.

It’s important to recognize that this group of people is engaging in bullying. Not “wank,” not “discourse,” not “drama”—bullying. When you see them targeting other people’s work, it may seem like a petty personal dispute, or on the other hand like a legitimate conversation about gender and sexuality; it is neither. These folks are friendly, welcoming, and supportive right up until the moment someone disagrees with them—and then they attack that person and demand an apology. Because they use the language of social justice, and because they’re only antagonistic to people who question them openly, it’s easy to think they’re courageously protecting vulnerable people and standing up for what’s Right. But they aren’t. They are using their own identities and feelings to dictate how everyone else should behave while disregarding other people’s identities and feelings.

They claim that Sirius shouldn’t be written as “stereotypically gay” (i.e. feminine) because it hurts gay men; they claim that they are fighting homophobia. What they are really doing is gender policing. Awhile back, they started off by saying “Sirius shouldn’t always be feminine or always bottom in all fic.” Sure, true enough. But then it became “Sirius should never be feminine and never bottom.” And then it became “Sirius should never be short and whiny” (because those are apparently feminine traits). And now it seems to be “no one should ever depict cis gay men as feminine.” Allegedly because that’s “stereotyping,” but in practice this idea shames femme gay men, nonbinary femme folks, and any trans men who can’t or don’t want to present as masculine. It is gender policing disguised with social justice language.

Here are some red flags to look out for in the Wolfstar fandom—phrases that signal that you might be reading something that’s participating in gender policing, even if it doesn’t seem like it on the surface. They include:

“short, whiny Sirius”;

“let Sirius top”

“stereotypical gay man” (in the context of men being written as femme, not in the context of like…shitty mass media representation from the 90s)

“let men be men”

“women writing m/m” used in a derogatory way

and a couple that seem totally innocuous, even good, but mean something different in this context, like:

“being gay shouldn’t be your whole personality”

“topping or bottoming shouldn’t be your whole personality”

I’ve heard quite a few people talk about their feelings of isolation, confusion, self-doubt, frustration, and shame as a result of the bullying that’s been happening over the past few years in this fandom. Lots of people have left Wolfstar or Tumblr because of it. The good news is that a lot of Wolfstar folks are still out there: much of the fandom is flourishing on Discord, on Ao3, and in private messages. You can find your people! They’re the ones who actually listen respectfully to what you say, don’t shame you for mistakes or disagreements, and practice kindness and care.

And please look out for yourself. Try to recognize when your feelings of shame or guilt are a result of coming into contact with bullying and manipulation. Try not to accidentally spread transphobic and effeminophobic (anti-feminine) ideas and language; really think through what a post is saying before liking or reblogging it. And if you’re feeling hurt by what’s been said about gender expression within this fandom, know that you have lots of support and solidarity. We’re still around—we’re still around, and we love all your gender-related headcanons: we love a burly bearded biker Sirius; we love a five-feet-in-socks Sirius with a tendency towards dramatic temper tantrums; we love Sirius in lipstick and Sirius in crop tops and Sirius in ripped jeans. We love power bottom Sirius and ace Sirius and dom Sirius in high heels and Sirius who doesn’t care about how he has sex as long as it’s with Remus. We love Sirius who thinks being a trans man is the most important part of who he is and Sirius who thinks being a trans man is simply a basic fact of life. We love your fics and art and posts that explore your own weird complicated messy queer relationship to gender and sexuality. Of course we do. <3

(Also: I’ve got Big Anxiety and may or may not respond to comments on this post. I definitely will not respond to comments purposely misrepresenting my argument. I feel no particular need to defend myself; everyone can decide for themselves whether they think what I say is valid, and if I’m silent in response to criticism it’s not because I can’t think of a solid response—it’s because I don’t think responding is going to help myself or anyone else have a better experience on Tumblr and in this fandom. I’ll try to answer genuine, in-good-faith questions if I have the wherewithal to do so, and if you want to just message me and chat or say hi or share headcanons, I’d love that!)

[fandom-imagines]

Thank you

Fandom: Death Note

Pairing: L X Reader

Warnings: Emotional and physical abuse.

Words: 3k

A/N: I’m in a death note phase again. I wrote this instead of doing my essay oops.

Being the girlfriend of a worldwide, secret detective was hard.

Relationships were hard enough as it is but having to make sure both the partners names were kept hidden made it even harder. Then there’s the constant travelling that takes place along with many other things.

Basically, the relationship between L Lawliet and Y/N Y/S/N was a complicated one. Don’t get me wrong, they were both madly in love with the other, but that didn’t make it any less hard.

“Y/N!” A high-pitched voice sounded from behind the aforementioned couple.

That’s Misa, Y/N’s best friend and often co-worker. The two met at a photoshoot where they became fast friends, the pair being able to work together due to their celebrity status.

“Hi, Misa.” A soft smile crawled onto the Y/H/C-haired girls’ lips.

She usually loved seeing Misa, but today all she wanted was to go back to her house and chill, maybe with Lawliet, maybe not. Who knows? Not her.

“Hi, Ryuzaki.” Misa greeted her best friends’ boyfriend, albeit unknowingly, before grasping her small hand around Y/N’s arm. “Bye, Ryuzaki!” Were her final words as she dragged Y/N away, unaware that she was desperately mouthing “sorry” towards her boyfriend.

~

“Light won’t even take me on a date, Y/N/N!” Misa whined, still talking about her ‘boyfriend’, “Isn’t that so unfair?”

“Very.” Y/N mumbled, turning the page on her magazine which lay in front of her.

She was currently lying across Misa’s bed, the pink sheets creasing beneath her. The girl’s legs were crossed in the air, the entire weight of her body being placed solely on her stomach. The magazine she was reading was something she had bought on the way back to Misa’s, hoping to share opinions on outfits or gossip about latest celebrities, something that the pair had done since they met.

“Are you even listening, Y/N/N?” The blonde continued to whine upon realizing that her friend was no longer listening to her boy drama.

“Sorry, just deep in thought.” Y/N’s words weren’t necessarily a lie, she was deep in thought just not about something she wished to share.

Misa didn’t know about Lawliet and Y/N’s relationship, nobody did. That was how they liked it. No one could intervene, no drama or anything of the sort.  Just the two of them, happy, together.

Oh how she longed to be with him right now. The two of them together, even if they were just sitting in HQ together whilst working on the Kira case that they had been working on for months now. That was how they had met: the Kira case.

Y/N knew of his involvement, her father worked as a detective, similar to Lights. That was how she joined the investigation despite being a student. Both her father and close friend, Light, recommended her.

However, that friendship was slowly fading as she found out more and more evidence that made her suspect Light of being Kira. She’s smart, very smart, that’s why she got along with both geniuses. She fit in well with the two. But the more she investigated the case, the more she realized that Light could possibly be behind the mass murders that were causing terror across the world, especially Japan.

“Ooh! What about? Is it a boy?” Misa was now sat up on the ground, arms wrapped tightly around the yellow pillow that she was previously sitting on. Her loose blonde locks fell down her back as well as over the pillow. She looked absolutely beautiful.

How did Light not love her back?

“Shut up.” The other girl huffed, tossing a pillow from Misa’s bed into the face of the owner, giggling as Misa fell backwards onto the soft carpet before bursting into a fit of giggles herself.

“You have to tell me!” The words left Misa’s lips between giggles as she recomposed herself.

“No!”

“Yes~”

The two argued back and forth for around five minutes before giving up, and bursting into a giggle fit once again, something that was common between the pair.

“So, you like someone?” Misa wiggled her eyebrows in amusement at the fact that her best friend was finally interested in someone other than fictional characters. “Tell me everything.”

Without revealing who it was, Y/N began to tell her about her ‘crush’, despite said crush actually being her boyfriend of a few months now. Ensuring that no significant details were released which could identify the man, she told her everything. Blushing was something new to her, but neither Misa nor Y/N complained. It was a refreshing change for them both.

“Wow,” The model let out a breath she wasn’t aware that she was holding once Y/N had poured her heart out, slightly at least. “I never knew you were capable of such feelings, Y/N/N!”

“Stop teasing me~” Y/N’s hands covered her blushing face, words becoming muffled behind the skin. “This is embarrassing enough as it is,” a groan left her lips as she continued her sentence. “Besides, I doubt he even likes me back.” The final words were mumbled, self-doubt settling in as she realized that her boyfriend might not actually love her.

Logically, Y/N knew that L wouldn’t use her, or at least she hopes, and that he genuinely did value her and her opinion. He enjoyed her company and didn’t find her annoying. He really did love her, despite not having admitted it.

“Sure he does! You’re great, Y/N/N.” Misa grinned at her best friend, unknowingly providing her with a source of comfort.

“Thanks, Misa.” A sigh left the other girls lips, a sinking feeling of doubt looming over her. “I should probably get home, it’s getting late. Goodnight, Misa.”

“Goodnight, Y/N!”

~

Instead of heading home Y/N decided to take a late-night stroll.

The dark sky was littered with bright stars, a nice change from the usual plain nights sky in Japan. It gave an almost comforting feel to the stroller, reminding her of her childhood when she would stay up late to stare up at the midnight sky with a genuine belief that it was the world watching over her, much like the moon which was ‘following’ her everywhere she went to make sure she was safe.

It was childish, yes, but she was a child so what do you expect?

The Y/H/C-haired girl observed her breath as she exhaled. It was cold which wasn’t a huge surprise considering that it was nearing December now; winter time. Despite being extremely cold, she decided that it wasn’t time to head home just yet. Her mind wasn’t entirely clear and it wasn’t exactly in her best interest to go home with an overthinking mind, so he continued her walk.

The sound of her shoes hitting the ground was one of the only things she could hear other than the occasional passing car or truck. The streetlights lit up her view, being the only thing that did so and Y/N internally thanked whoever put them up considering she wouldn’t be able to use the torch on her phone as it had died long ago. The odd passing-by car provided her with some light also, although it wasn’t much.

It wasn’t until around 1am when she finally decided she should head home.

~

The house was deadly silent as she entered, but the lights were still alight, leaving the daughter of the local baker and detective confused.

“Mum?” The girls voice was slightly quiet in case she was asleep whilst still being loud enough for anyone seated downstairs to hear.

“Where have you been?!” Her mothers voice was incredibly loud, making Y/N cringe and wince. “I’ve been worried sick! How could you make your mom worry like this?”

Ah, there comes the guilt tripping. Y/N’s thoughts were awfully loud, and she cursed herself internally.

“Sorry, mom.” A frown had made its way onto her lips as she apologized.

Sure, she probably should have warned her that she was going for a walk, but there was no need to guilt trip her.

“You should be. Now go to your room!”

She simply ran upstairs.

~

The bags under Y/Ns’ eyes almost matched Ryuzaki’s the following day.

She hadn’t gotten any sleep that night as she replayed every bad moment with her mother sine childhood and believe me, there was a lot of them.

Her mother hadn’t been the best parent to say the least. She was never physically abusive, but the mental scars from her words and actions had taken a toll on her daughter throughout the years.

“Are you okay?” Lights words were full of concern upon noticing the girls tired composure. The way she stood further proved that she was exhausted considering how she was slumped over. Hands shaking also, Light was genuinely concerned, despite his status as Kira, something he knew that she suspected. “You look terrible, no offence.”

“I’m fine.” Her words were quiet, almost silent, too wrapped up in her own thoughts to give a completely response but she figured those words would suffice and he would hopefully leave her alone.

Whilst concerned, Light knew not to push things when someone didn’t want to talk, so he didn’t push it further, favouring to ask if she was going to the HQ later which she was.

“Ryuzaki isn’t in today,” Lights words caught her attention, finally pulling her from her trance, “he’s working on the investigation.”

“Oh,” while her response was short, the criminal still cheered internally, glad that he had stopped her worrying, even if it was for a split second.

~

For the entire day she was completely ‘out of it’, unable to concentrate or even form a coherent sentence and she mentally kicked herself at her so-called failure. However she was slightly grateful that there was no exam today, knowing she would have most definitely failed. She probably wouldn’t have been able to write more than three words.

Y/N’s walk to HQ was lonely as she desperately craved some human contact.

She really needed a hug.

As though in a trance, the girl scanned herself into HQ and headed towards the main room where she knew everyone would be.

“Hi, Y/N,” Matsuda’s cheerful greeting caught Ryuzaki’s attention. Well, more like the name of the person he was greeting.

Nobody could have known however, unaware of the short-lived glance he had spared towards her. This short glance told him a lot: she hadn’t slept, she was deep in thought and she felt… crap.

This worried the detective immensely. He really did care for the girl; a lot more than he would admit. Not that he didn’t want to, he just didn’t know how she would react and didn’t want to risk facing rejection.

It would hurt.

“Hi.” The response she gave Matsuda was blunt, emotionless which L wasn’t happy to hear.

She never used that tone. She was usually cheerful. It must be bad.

“You guys can go for a break. You’ve been here most of today and it’s not nearing 5pm.” L’s words matched his girlfriends tone as usual, uncaring about the relief his words had just provided the others on the case. “Except you.” His gaze was now fixated on his love, making her internally curse at herself for being so obvious about her low mood.

The raven-haired detective waited for everyone to leave, stare unmoving as he observed Y/N’s every move and she walked towards the chair opposite him.

“What is it?” Y/N’s gaze was cast towards the ground, not wanting L to see her like this. “I’m sorry.” Her words were quick, worried that he was going to say something that would simply upset her more. “I-I didn’t mean too.”

L’s cold hand gently grasped her chin, lifting her face so that they could look at each other and he cringed slightly as he saw the tear threatening to fall from her eyes.

Okay, he is now really worried.

“What’s wrong?” His words were quiet but still laced with genuine concern, along with his eyes. “You can tell me.”

“It’s nothing, really.” The words stumbled from her lips, only worrying him more. “C-can I just go today? Please.”

L simply nodded, watching as she dashed from the HQ and out of his sight.

~

“Why do you keep disappearing?” Y/N’s mothers voice was the first thing she heard as she walked through the door.

“Please, leave me alone.” Y/N begged, simply wishing to be alone.

She made an attempt to dash upstairs, only to be stopped by her mothers tight grip around her wrist as she spun her around to face her. A hash slap hit the younger girls face with such a force that they both knew would leave a mark the following day.

“Y-Y/N…” Upon realisation of what she had just done, her tight grip around her daughters wrist loosened, hand dropping to her side.

“Never talk to me again.” YN’s words were quiet yet laced with venom before she finally dashed up to her room, one goal in mind:

Leave.

Her movements were quick as she packed her bag, tears leaking from her eyes in both pain and sadness,

Within minutes her bag was packed, tossed over her shoulder before she ran downstairs.

“Please don’t leave.” Her mother’s plead fell on deaf ears, the only response coming from the closing of the door as she watched her daughter leave, neither of them knowing if she would ever return.

~

It was cold. Very cold and Y/N cursed herself for not bringing a jacket, being in a skirt and t-shirt which was the same outfit she had worn to school today.

Shivering, she began her long walk towards HQ, something she knew would take a long time.

~

“What happened to you?” Detective Yagami’s voice was filled with panic upon seeing the tear stains on her cheeks as well as the bright red bruising hand-mark.

Lawliet payed no attention  to his remark, simply assuming that Matsuda had had a clumsy accident yet again.

“Please, can I just sit down?” Was what captured his attention, the soft and exhausted voice being one he recognised immediately.

“O-of course.” Soichiro’s words were rushed as he signalled towards the seat he had previously occupied which Y/N gratefully took.

L spun on his chair to look at the girl, breath hitching as he took in her appearance.

He caught her gaze and she had looked up after hearing the spinning of the chair and she thanked whatever gods there were that it was simply the three of them.

“Detective Yagami would you mind if we have a moment?” L’s stare was unmoving as Yagami nodded, leaving the room.

“R-Ryu…” Her voice sounded broken, eyes filled with pain and he soon noticed the bag on the ground, quickly coming to the conclusion that something had happened at home, presumably with her mother, and she had ran away.

L quickly climbed onto his feet, opening his arms which Y/N gladly ran into, breaking down into sobs. His hand placed itself on her hair, burying itself into her hair as her face buried into his chest. L was uncaring as her tears soaked through his white tee; he only cared that she was okay. They stood like that for a long time, L providing comfort she didn’t know she needed.

“Come on,” L broke the silence as his girlfriend calmed down, her breath evening out, “lets get you to a room.” He offered her a hand as she pulled away, one she took with extreme gratitude, appreciating that it must have been hard for him to give her any affection.

Their hands never parted as they climbed the stairs of the HQ, heading towards Y/N’s new room. Ryuzaki had thrown her bag over his shoulder, the heavy weight of the bag not affecting him one bit.

The room was empty, and it was clear nobody was staying there.

The noise of the bag dropping to the ground was loud, startling Y/N whilst Lawliet remained unaffected, having been the one that had caused the noise; not that it would have scared him anyway.

Y/N was led towards the made bed by the detective, sitting herself down as he wordlessly instructed before taking a seat beside her.

“I’m sorry for being such a bother.” She apologised, making L shake his head in disagreement.

“You could never be a bother, Y/N. Not to me.” His words were less monotone than usual, less devoid of feeling. There was a genuine tone coming from him. “Matsuda’s a bother, not you.” He spoke which made the shorter girl chuckle, something she felt she hadn’t done in ages, despite it having only been a day, #

“Thanks, Ryu. For everything.”

“It’s my pleasure.” His arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her closely towards him until her warmth was felt by him. “I-“ He paused as he began to speak, extremely aware of what he was about to say.

“What’s wrong?” Y/N asked, confused at his sudden silence.

“I love you.” His words were quiet, almost unheard had it not been for the fact that the room was deadly silent.

The pair fell into an awkward silence for a moment before L got up to leave, apologising as he did so.

“Wait,” Y/N’s hand wrapped around his own, “I love you too.”

A small smile made its way onto both of their lips, L walking back over to the girl until he was stood directly in front of her. She watched closely as he bent down, unsure of what he was about to do. The second his lips touched her forehead a huge blush flowed across her cheeks.

“R-Ryu…?” Her embarrassed voice sounded, the only response she earned from him being a small smile before he gave her a pat on the head, turning to leave.

“Thank you.” She called, making him stop in the doorway.

“Anytime, Y/N/N.” The use of the nickname only made her blush harder.

[thebeautysurrounds]

THIS CONTAINS SLIGHT SPOILERS FOR NEVER HAVE I EVER S2 READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

This is quite long I had a lot to unpack.

Since watching the 2nd season of Never Have I Ever a few things have been bothering me about the way people are reacting to Devi, and the show overall but mostly Devi. First of all she’s what a sophomore in high school? and she’s doing this all while being the only brown girl (up until kinda the middle of S2) and still dealing with grief and having absolutely no idea who she is yet. To me outside of being an honor roll student she is not doing things FOR HER she is doing this to appease her mother. Who while she means well pushing Devi to succeed to certain extremes which if Devi shows the slightest behavior of fucking up her mother makes harsh comments instead of understanding Devi is a literal teenager and needs room for fucking up.

Is Devi hella unreasonable at times? YES does she often times act strictly on impulse without a second thought…YES. But as a girl who virtually has no one outside of her friends who also are staring to drift from her and get into their first relationships themselves and have their own activities she essentially is left to navigate the world and her teenage angst alone. While I will give Nalini credit for all the work and time she has put in to not only being a single mother and navigating her own grief but also being a working mother who is a doctor and quite possibly has her own struggles with being a brown women in that filed. My problem lies with her not being able to balance or even let go of a strong arm parenting style that mostly focuses on Devi’s fuck up more than her accomplishments and makes comments on how her fuck ups that haven’t even happened yet. I’m not sure Nalini even realizes Devi is at the very very top of her class because I truly believe (after S1) even though Nalini apologized to Devi Nalini has a ‘hoping for the best but expecting the worst’ attitude when it comes to Devi and that’s in the for front of her mind so much she doesn’t realize Devi goes above and beyond not only for herself but to make her mother proud of her all for her mother to just not acknowledge that.

Now with Devi’s characterization I get where some people are coming from on saying Devi shouldn’t have been “boy crazy” or that they “ruined her character development” but here’s my problem those critiques while valid and your allowed to have those opinions…It’s just not really realistic and let me tell you why like I stated Devi is what a sophomore in high school and she has made it a abundantly clear her parents forbid her to date cause it’s school and extra curriculars only. Which will lead to a good college which thus will turn into a good career. While that’s all well and good. I don’t think y’all realize the FOMO of being in high school and growing up with very strict parents, and wanting to have your first relationship. Wanting to be an actual teenager and not wanting to think about 3-4 years down the line which most teenagers don’t/can’t visualize cause it’s not the right now. Devi wants to have those experiences and there’s nothing wrong with that does she go about it the right way…not exactly but y’all act like YOU have never been a teenager and said and done awful things out of anger or just pure immature stupidity. For the boy crazy part Devi is literally having her first feelings and experiences with boys she has 0 clue what she is doing outside of probably books, tv, movies and what her friends assume they know (even though they mean well) the only person Devi would remotely trusts is gone, and she can’t ask her mother cause her mother would honestly probably shut her down and make her feel guilty for even wanting to start having her first experiences with boys. Y’all have such a warped view of not only real teenagers and high school aged kids but also fictional ones. Y’all are so use to shows having protagonist being awful or starting off kinda okay but then their character turns awful and remains that way. What some of you fail to realize is actual teenagers and “teenagers” in shows can/are VERY morally grey. 

Should Devi have been honest and possibly communicated to both Ben and Paxton that she has some sort of feelings for them both..possibly but Devi is a teenager do you think she is having a in depth analysis and talk with herself (outside of a pros and cons list) about what infatuation versus lust versus genuine connection versus romantic attraction looks like probably not. Let’s also analyze how she literally goes from being in her eyes forgettable to being noticed and even though it’s not talked about in the show explicitly she honestly probably struggles with self esteem/self image issues. To go from being a girl who to her no one cares about/notices to one who is getting the attention of two boys who are in Devi’s eyes attractive in their own right. She is so consumed with two guys ACTUALLY being interested in her that she fails to realize she is/and will hurt them both, Do I think Paxton is genuinely attracted to Devi…maybe. But I’m still on the fence about their relationship to me in the beginning I felt Paxton felt Devi is just another meaningless high school fling that he will forget about once he gets to college but to Devi here’s this guy who is “popular” very attractive and he pays attention to her is she looking at the semantics of the situation and how Paxton is more than likely just using her and is only engaging with Devi to get a passing grade and to basically give her the superficial experience of a “high school boyfriend” no she’s not she’s looking at it like here’s this guy who is attractive and he wants to be with someone like me. But do I also believe Devi in S1 was using Paxton and then fell for him DEFINITELY but I will give credit to Paxton for trying at a real relationship with Devi and I hope he will try to be more open and honest.

Do I think Ben likes Devi I honestly do, While the insensitive jokes (exchanged between both) should be discussed I think Ben over time started to see Devi as a girl who finally saw him not the rich, annoying, know it all. But in his view Devi and him are on equal playing fields because they are both overly driven smart individuals and when she said yes to going out with him it was probably the first time he felt like a girl saw the real him. While Ben too more than likely struggles with abandonment issues him dating Devi in a way made him feel like this was the first time he could actual be happy about something cause it was something he actually wanted and not something he just did to earn points in others books and impress people he genuinely got something on his own and that he was actually happy not a front he put on. To me Ben’s abandonment issues come out even more than in S1 when he tells Devi why he’s so hurt and it’s the night of the party when she runs after Paxton (who he sees has it all) and Devi doesn’t “choose him” Do I think Ben and Devi should date cause they share some form of the same trauma no. But again Devi is not use and doesn’t even know what to do with the attention of two people. Again is Devi looking at the semantics of her relationship with Ben…No. I don’t think Devi even realizes she’s quite literally hurting two people cause we could also discuss how Ben and Paxton probably have had other flings and relationships without a second thought while Devi having no relationship experiences and this is territory for her and she has no idea what she is doing or how to properly navigate this situation.

I’m almost done with this long ass rant I promise but it’s two more things I want to make light of/point out I don’t think anyone really gives Devi credit for still going to therapy, loosing a parent is unbearable especially loosing one as young as Devi did, especially when you feel the only parent that truly understood and supported you is gone. Devi doing things that are impulsive and unreasonable because she quite literally has no guidance her mother is only consumed with Devi not making the family “look bad” Devi’s grief is so heavy and she feels she’s going at it alone because her mother doesn’t take genuine time to talk to her. Now was Devi “stalking” her mother extremely inappropriate yes for sure but do Nalini and her need to communicate better for Devi to understand that her mother wasn’t dating sure even if Nalini was on a date their should have been communication there. Devi will probably never stop grieving her father hell he literally came to her in a dream to tell her she deserves better when it came to “dating” Paxton and Nalini will probably never stop grieving her husband but she deserves happiness too and I believe if Devi and Nalini were both honest with each other her slowly dating again wouldn’t have been a problem. Another point I wanna make connecting Devi, Paxton, and Ben is they all have this view that the grass is greener on the other side and that’s just not the case. Ben is jealous of Paxton cause he feels he has the “Perfect life” but in actuality Paxton is extremely flawed and honestly insecure his own family doesn’t believe in him and he knows people only like him because he is attractive, while Paxton looks at Ben like this, while annoying Ben is smart, rich, and no one ever questions Ben’s intelligence but in actuality Ben is very lonely and has spent most of his life alone or being raised by other people which has caused him to put on a huge front to people and often times overcompensate in his social life, and Devi looks at other girls like they have it all and have 0 struggles or problems (I.e her views on Anissa) but Devi fails to realize thy also struggle, are insecure, is struggling with mental illness, and don’t have themselves figured out, and Devi is looking at this man her mom is “dating” as if he’s taking something away but In actuality he is experiencing his own losses. All in all Never Have I Ever gets teenage angst and messy problematic morally grey teenagers right and the fact that y’all beg for more “flawed or problematic” characters and when you get them you don’t like that they are just that it’s odd to me it seems like y’all only want problematic characters if it’s how you see fit.

TL;DR: Y’all need to stop acting like y’all weren’t gross annoying and had fuck ups as teenagers y’all should really stop pretending like teenagers in real and some of us as teens didn’t have/engage in relationships that weren’t good but we learned from it while this show isn’t real it shows y’all will scream let people fuck up and let them grow but you don’t actually mean it. Devi is a teenager and requires room to grow she even admits she acts out and is impulsive but y’all act like she’s supposed to have the self awareness of a 60 year old.

[deberiaestarescribiendo]

Fools who dream #Writer Wednesday 07/28/21 Javier Peña x f!reader

For #Writer Wednesday created by @autumnleaves1991-blog and tagging @clydesducktape that creates the masterlist every week. Thank you for the amazing work to both of you!!

Paring: Javier Peña xf!reader (addressed as you/she)

Summary: Long time ago, Javier met a girl full of dreams living a hard life. One day, driving around town he finds out that maybe, dreams do come true.

Warnings: smoking, swearing, +18 SMUT not very descriptive sex but it’s there, allutions to prostitution.

A/N: This is the lovechild of: me being angsty, listening to Lalaland’s soundtrack, and rereading a novella I wrote a long time ago about an escort girl that I was planning to rewrite (I thought that it could be an interesting Javi’s fic, but I don’t know). So to conclude: a mess, voilá! bear in mind, there’s mention of sexwork and we respect sexworkers in this house.

Sorry for any mistakes and bad grammar!!

Fools who dream

She turns and faces the camera, they make a dramatic zoom on her while the orquestra rises in a beautiful romantic crescendo. With pink parted lips she smiles at the protagonist, her eyes glow and shyly she lowers her gaze.

Back to the male lead he’s looking at her like there’s nobody else in the room, the camera blurs everything except his face and hers. Love, romance.

The movie was not really interesting until the moment she appeared. Same old story about a guy in search of that perfect girl, his life is miserable; making him fall into very comedic and not very surprising adventures and misfortunes on a very normal life up until she appears and then she shows him the meaning of life and live life to the fullest or some bullshit.

Javi didn’t pay a ticket for a good story, fuck he didn’t even read the plot before buying it. But he saw the sign while he was waiting at the traffic light, the local drive-in cinema and its yellow lights against the night presenting:

The right one (or something like that) starring some guy and then her name.

So he drove in and asked for a ticket, probably looking a bit weird being just a guy alone buying just one ticket to a romantic comedy surrounded by couples. It looks fucking sad, Peña he thought. But he has to see her, he has to see if it is true.

“Hi”

she says on the screen and it takes him away from his thoughts. Hearing that voice again after many years hits him so differently. To think that those sweet lips moaned and called his name pressed against his skin, so close that he can almost feel the heat of her body on him in his cold lonely car.

The guy smiles at her and makes a fool of himself gaining a sweet giggle from her. And it reminds him of the times she danced in his apartment or made fun of him for being such a grump.

Deja de fruncir el ceño, Javi, que se te va a quedar así (Stop frowning, Javi, or it’s gonna stay like that) she used to say, brushing her index finger over her nose giggling just like now in the movie.

She said something back, but he’s not listening. Javier just puts the words he remembers she said to him on her lips. A fantasy within a fantasy.

What is more real? those intimate moments years ago or him watching her on a movie alone in his car?

He has lost the plot, but who cares? She laughs and pushes the protagonist's hand to the empty streets of New York and the lights shine on them, and as the world perfectly bends to lovers in movies, it starts raining and she receives the drops with open arms and a wide grin. And they kiss, a perfect one, soft lips over the other. Nothing like the kisses they shared

Their kisses were hungry, knowing that they were borrowed and paid in time, rushed sometimes, others slowly and messy pouring all the heat and the pain and the adrenaline in which he lived in those years.

Now he wishes he could have kissed her once last time, just like that, softly, the world far away from them. Perfect just like a movie.

The audience claps rejoicing in this celebration of love, some young couples are celebrating love in some different kind of way, the movie merely an excuse to have some time alone under the stars.

And Javier is suddenly aware of his loneliness of the empty space by his side, he’s the antonym of what he’s seeing on screen, of having the luck of finding the one and being delighted in love.

He could’ve been in love, once. He certainly felt something growing and shattering the hard shield he had on his chest when they were together.

And now watching her mimic those feelings, those desires, he feels jealous, of what? he doesn’t know, it’s not like they had a chance...did they?

Colombia, 1984

“You’re going to laugh” you say the fan above your head blows waves of hot air that still smell of sex and the cigarette Javi’s smoking languidly over the window.

He has barely put his jeans on, the zip and top button undone. He looks tired, the dark circles under his eyes are way more visible today than ever. You can even see the weight on his shoulders, he’s hunching, his neck curved down as he smokes.

He doesn’t say but you know there’s something bothering him, he’s quieter than usual, rougher.

He called you late in the evening, paid a taxi to get you to his house and you barely made it to the door when he grabbed you by your hips and pressed his body against yours. The kiss was ardent, his tongue invading your mouth in a mix of coffee, whiskey and smoke and need. You tried to push him and talk, just maybe say hello how was your day but he whimpered, he’s dark eyes pleading while he caressed your cheeks. And you let him, you know what he needed so you said nothing when he impatiently fisted your skirt up your navel and pushed your panties to the side so he could bury himself in you.

Covered in the dim lights of the scarce traffic in the middle of the night, silent apart from the rhythmic thumps of your hips hitting the door and both of your whispers and moans, Javier performed his usual rite of expelling his demons away on you. Each thrust, each second he was in you, the world became nothing, just white noise, there was only you and the primal need of achieving pleasure skin against skin.

Your soft voice, those sweet lips gasping brushing against his ear, he thinks it’s the only time he likes to hear his name being called or actually being aware of himself. With you there’s no Javier running to and from monsters and there’s no brutality or violence.

There’s only your soft hands locked on his neck, fingers curled in his hair and when you smile at him, eyes up the sky, lost in pleasure, he feels good and the world seems a little bit better.

“I even didn’t offer some water before…” he said after he recovers his breath still inside you

“I’ve never had a warmer welcome in my life, Javi, it’s alright” you laugh with legs trembling

“Still” he kissed your wrists and held you close, walking slowly towards the bedroom.

You barely made some small talk before his eyes grew darker, lost in something that chokes him, and he quietly covers you with his big body

“I just need to make love to you...please” he said with his forehead on yours. And here you are, body exhausted and numb, cooling the sweat with the sweet waves of air from the fan.

“I won’t laugh at you” he answers resuming the conversation, you were lost in your thoughts but when you look at him, you see he watches you intently and you believe him

“I mean it’s so cliche how I ended up doing this...it’s ridiculous” you shake your head

None of your clients has ever asked you about how you ended up doing this. None of them are really interested in you anyway, they prefer a fantasy, a character. But not Javi, and that scares you. He sees right through you.

“I wanted to get out of my small town, I had big dreams, big plans” you smile “I came to the city and I tried and tried to succeed but...well, long story short, a friend proposed it once and the money was too tempting”

“What did you want to do in the first place?” Javi approaches the bed. His skin shines against the moonlight, his disheveled hair makes him looks younger

“Now you’re going to really laugh” you cover your face with one of his pillows

“C’mon tell me” he smirks squeezing your tight

“I wanted to be an actress, do novelas, films, everything” you shyly confess. For a moment, you don’t look at him, expecting him to chuckle at your stupid little dream, but seconds pass and he doesn’t

“ I think you could do it” Javi’s hands draw small circle over you hip bones

“You think?” you bite your lip

“I do” he shifts position, resting his back on the bed and you open your legs so he can rest his head over your belly “Would you send me a dedicated picture once you made it?” you brush his hair out of his face and you see he’s smiling

“Of course, To my very first fan, who always believed in me” you wave your hand over the imaginary paper “And a kiss just under it”

“Would frame it and put it in my office...nah” he shakes his head “I put it right here” he motions towards the nightstand “I don’t want my colleagues greasy hands over my picture”you laugh out loud at his comment

“Sure, so you can dream about me” you joke stealing his cigarette and smoking a long drag

Present day

You don’t know how many times he has dreamt about you.

How many times that stupid movie has played in his house late at night, he bought it, foolish at it may seem, he has rewatch every frame, stopping to admire you.

You look happy now, your sweet eyes shine more and he’s happy, really is, that you have made it, but deep down, he wonders, as much as it makes he’s heart ache, Do you think about him? surely you don’t.

Probably you left that part of your life buried somewhere in Colombia. You changed your name, your past, everything, how could you think about him?

You’re probably living your best life, full of glamour, opportunities opening just in front of your eyes. How could you remember him?

You don’t (surely) so he has to content himself with the fiction. He replays that scene where you turn to the camera, smiling

Hi

and just for a second, he thinks, he dreams, it’s for him.

[maneskinrollercoaster]

~ We’re Everything To Each Other That We Ever Needed 3: Being Without You Is Like Being Without Myself ~

Pairing: Ethan Torchio x Chiara Russo (fictional character)

Word count: 4629

Warnings: smut, swearing

Summary: Ethan makes an unexpected decision.

Ethan stormed out of the bathroom and went downstairs to see Damiano sitting on the couch in the living room. When he saw Ethan he immediately stood up.

- Ethan.. fratello.. I’m so sorry.. - Damiano said trying to reach Ethan’s shoulder.

- How dare you call me a brother? Huh? After what you did? - Ethan was furious and nothing would be able to stop him.

- I know I fucked up, but hey, you know I didn’t mean that, I’m sorry - Damiano said clearly feeling guilty.

- You’re not sorry, at least have some balls to fucking admit it. - Ethan stood up in front of him. - You always take everything you want huh? You don’t even care of what other people feel, you just go and grab anything you’d like without any consequences. And you had to do it with Chiara too right? You had to take the only fucking person I truly loved! - Ethan grabbed Damiano’s shirt and it was only a matter of time till he hits his face.

- Ethan I swear I didn’t want that to happen, I was drunk.. - Damiano said trying to stop him.

They were both looking into each other’s eyes, Ethan’s dark from anger, Damiano’s guilty.

- You’re pathetic, I’m not even gonna waste my time on you, you fucking piece of shit! - Ethan let go of Damiano, gave him the last death stare and walked out of the house.

*in the meantime*

Chiara was overwhelmed. She was sitting at the counter for 15 minutes now after Ethan left her alone and stormed out of the bathroom. She was numb. Her cheeks were red and wet from the tears, her eyes puffy. She’s never seen Ethan that angry. He was always calm, quiet and when something bad was happening he always preferred to talk than argue. But Chiara couldn’t blame him. She was the one who betrayed him and broke his heart.

Chiara slowly stepped off the counter, not really knowing what to do with herself. She went out of the bathroom and picked up the T-shirt from the floor. She took off the heels and the dress and she put on a shirt, sitting on the bed. Chiara knew that she has no right to be in Ethan’s room but she didn’t have enough courage to go downstairs after what she did with Damiano.

How could you do this Chiara? How the fuck could you cheat on Ethan, he was so good to you, always so caring and loving, so polite, what the fuck were you thinking!? - she said to herself and closed her watery eyes.

Moments passed and she heard a quiet knock on the door. She said muffled “come in” and a second later she saw Victoria entering the room. Her face was serious like never before. Chiara figured that she knows about everything.

- Damiano told me what happened. - she said coming up to Chiara and sitting next to her on the bed. - Girl, you fucked up.. - she sighed.

- I know.. - Chiara’s voice broke. - I really didn’t mean for that to happen.. - she started crying.

Victoria wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a warm hug. Chiara didn’t expect that, she thought Victoria will yell at her.

- I know you didn’t want that, Chi. Damiano is so embarrassed, he talked to Ethan and they fought. Ethan stormed out of the house and Damiano locked himself in his room. - Victoria said stroking Chiara’s back gently, trying to calm her down.

- What the fuck was I thinking, Ethan will never want to speak to me again. - she said covering her face and breaking down even more.

- If you really didn’t mean that, Ethan will understand. I’m not saying he will come back to you but give him some time. He loves you and he’s crazy about you. It’s gonna be all good. - Victoria said resting her head on Chiara’s, still stroking her back.

***

It was evening already and Chiara spent the whole day in Victoria’s room. They talked about what happened and Victoria promised her that she will help her fix everything. Thomas also sat with them for some minutes and told Chiara that even though she fucked up big time, he knows Ethan and he’s sure that they will fix it between each other. Chiara also talked to Damiano which at the beginning was really awkward but then they apologized to each other, hugged and decided to leave it in the past. She also promised him to help him with Giorgia. All that didn’t mean anything though as long as she didn’t fix everything with Ethan, which still didn’t come back home.

Ethan was walking around Rome all day, thinking of what to do. He felt lonely, betrayed and not appreciated at all. He felt like he will never be enough for anyone. He was crying half of the time but had to hide it when some fans were coming up to him to take a picture. He’s never been so broken but after all day wandering around he decided to go back home and have a serious conversation with everyone.

- Can you all come downstairs, per favore? - Ethan said, stepping inside the living room.

Chiara heard his voice and her heart started beating faster, her stomach started hurting really badly. She was stressed and when she looked at Vic, her eyes were full of fear. Victoria took Chiara’s shaking hand and pulled her towards the door. They went downstairs where Ethan was sitting on the couch. When he saw Chiara he was shocked that she was still home. His heartbeat increased and hands started sweating. It’s gonna be a lot harder than I thought - he thought still not letting his eyes off of Chiara.

Girls sat down on the couch opposite Ethan and a minute later Thomas and Damiano joined them and sat next to them. Ethan’s face was serious, without any emotion but inside he felt like he’s gonna explode any minute.

- I have something important to tell all of you. - he said looking at his hands.

They were all looking at him, waiting for the answer when he looked at them one by one.

- I’m leaving the band. And Italy. - he said breathing out all the air he was holding in his lungs for what felt like forever.

- WHAT?! - Victoria raised her voice.

Surprise was un understatement. They were all shocked of what Ethan just told them. Leaving the band? How? Thomas, Vic, Ethan and Damiano were inseparable, when they were arguing it was always temporary because they could never stay mad at each other. But Ethan’s face was serious and they knew he wasn’t joking.

- What do you mean you’re leaving the band? We’re in the middle of the European tour, we have so many festivals arranged for the next months, you can’t just leave Ethan! - Damiano said, deep down knowing he had no right to tell Ethan what to do.

- You see that’s the point! You never care about what I feel, you only think of yourself and what people will say. And I’m always the one left out alone, dealing with everything by myself. You guys don’t give a single fuck about me! You never ask me how I’m doing or if everything is okey! And I’m done, I need a break, from all of you! - Ethan said with his voice raised.

He looked at Chiara.

- Ethan please, don’t leave. It’s all my fault, I know, I’m sorry, but don’t leave them just because of what I did.. - she said pleading.

- It’s not only about what you did, it’s about all of you and they way you treated me like air for the past months. I deserve better.

They didn’t know what to say. Ethan never would have thought himself of leaving the band and when he said those words it sounded so unrealistic. He knew the break will bring Måneskin a lot of problems but he didn’t care, he was proud that for once in his life he stood up for himself and didn’t stay quiet like usual.

- Where are you gonna go? - Thomas said quietly with tears in his eyes.

- I’m gonna fly to Portugal, to my family. - Ethan said and he knew there’s no going back.

- For how long? - asked Victoria with a breaking voice.

- I don’t know yet. For some time.

- But you will come back right? To Italy, to us. - Damiano asked.

- I’m not certain. I just know I need a break, to rest and think about everything. - Ethan said.

- When are you leaving? - Chiara asked with her face all red and wet from tears.

- Tomorrow, I can’t stay here any longer. - Ethan said letting his head down.

They were all sitting in the living room for at least an hour. In silence. None of them had courage to say anything and they were all too overwhelmed with Ethan’s decision. They knew that him leaving will break them more than anything.

*four months later*

It’s been four months since Ethan left Italy and Måneskin house never felt so empty. After the first day without him, Thomas, Victoria and Damiano understood that he was the essence of their band. They knew that Ethan was right, they fucked him up and never paid attention to him and his emotions. The three of them were always the loudest and Ethan was always the one taking care of every situation and now when he wasn’t there they felt like everything fell apart.

Chiara was completely shattered. She locked herself in her apartment and didn’t leave for two weeks after Ethan left. After their conversation in the living room Chiara went with him to his room and apologized so many times, cried and begged him to stay. Ethan told her that he understands but he won’t change his mind. A break was what he needed, and he hoped that they will all finally see how much they’ve broken him for the past few months and how much they didn’t appreciate everything he’s done for them.

It was a sunny morning and Ethan was laying on the grass in the garden. His aunt lived in Lisbon right by the Tag river. The weather was amazing and Ethan found himself spending a lot of time at the beach, swimming or just laying on the sand and reading books. He’s never felt so relaxed. Yesterday he face timed with Chiara for the first time since he left. It felt weird to see her and speak to her after such a long time but Ethan missed her more than he thought. They way she always joked around and made him happy. He could see sadness on her face even though she tried not to show it.

- I miss you.. - she said looking at him through the screen and gaining courage to tell him how she really felt.

Ethan didn’t know if he should say it back or change the topic. He wasn’t sure about anything these days. He loved Chiara, of course it didn’t change. He knew that he is able to give her another chance and try to fix their relationship but until he’s back in Italy he didn’t want to bother himself with that. Not until he saw her face on the screen. She was still beautiful, as always and even though Ethan was still hurt, the corners of his lips uncontrollably went up making him smile at the sight of her gorgeous face. Deep down in his heart he knew that he already forgave her.

*a week later*

Ethan was standing in front of Måneskin house. He was nervous. Two days ago he decided to come back to Rome and fix things between him and Vic, Thomas and Damiano. His heartbeat increased when he knocked at the door. He had the keys but after such a long time he figured it would look stupid to just come in and act like nothing ever happened. After a few minutes he saw the door open and Victoria standing in front of him.

- Ethan! - she shouted happily jumping at him and hugging him tight. - I’m so glad you’re back - she whispered into his ear, not letting go of him.

- I’m glad to be back too, Vic. - he said hugging her back.

They pulled away when Ethan saw Thomas running towards him and jumping on his arms. Thomas’ eyes were watery and they both laughed when he kissed Ethan’s cheek.

- I missed you so much, Edgar! - Thomas said jumping off of Ethan’s arms.

- I missed you too, Toni. - Ethan said poking Thomas’ shoulder and smiling to him.

Damiano came downstairs and looked at Ethan surprised. He came up to them and stood in front of him. Ethan looked at him for a couple of seconds with an emotionless face and Damiano thought he’s still mad at him, but then Ethan pulled him into a warm hug. Damiano sighed with a relief and hugged Ethan back.

- I’m sorry, Ethan. I’m happy you’re back, the house was a mess without you. - Damiano said still hugging Ethan.

- Let’s leave it in the past. - Ethan smiled lightly just like he always did, pulling away from Damiano.

They were all back together. Four rockstars who loved each other more than anything.

- We’re so sorry for every single time we hurt you, it will never happen again. - Victoria said putting her hand on Ethan’s back.

- I know you guys didn’t mean that. But I would much appreciate you to pay more attention to me. - he laughed and along with him Vic, Thomas and Damiano.

***

- Are you gonna meet with her? - Asked Victoria while her and Ethan were sitting at the balcony in her room.

- I don’t know, Vic. I miss her and I really want to see her, I want everything to be back to normal. But she disappointed me and I don’t know if I’m ready yet. - Ethan said. - By the way, how is she? - he asked, looking at Vic.

Chiara wasn’t fine. Even though four months passed and everyone told her that time will help her heal, she found herself thinking of Ethan all the time. She still couldn’t accept the fact that she let him down and she missed him a lot. He was her everything and if she could she would turn back time and change what happened.

- She’s okey, I guess.. She came here yesterday, we invited her for a movie night. She looked fine, but tired. - Vic said.

- Hmm.. She didn’t come here often when I was gone, did she?

- She came here a month after u left. Mainly because she promised Damiano that she will help him get back with Giorgia. After that she came like twice and yesterday. - Vic explained. - She really loves you, Ethan. I know I can’t ask u to talk to her but she really regrets what happened, you’re her everything. - She said, looking back at him.

Ethan knew that he has to meet with Chiara and talk about everything. He wanted to have her back, next to him. He forgave her a long time ago, he loved her too much to be mad at her. But he didn’t know if he’s ready to trust her fully again.

*afternoon, the next day*

“I’m back in Rome, would you want to meet?”. Chiara was looking at the screen of her phone for good 10 minutes, shocked by a message she received from Ethan. She didn’t expect him to text her at all, she thought he won’t speak to her again. Her cheeks turned red and she got nervous. Should I meet him? What am I supposed to do? - she thought still looking at the phone screen. “Yes, I’d love to. When?”. She tapped a message on her phone with shaky hands and let out all the air she’s been holding. “I can come over to you place today. We have to talk about everything”.

Today. She was supposed to meet him today and talk to him after four months without him. She suddenly felt all her breakfast going up her throat. Her face turned red and her stomach started hurting. She felt noxious. She ran to the bathroom and threw up. Her eyes were watery and puffed. After a while spend in front of the toilet puking, Chiara took her phone and texted Ethan. “Sure, see you at 5?” the message said and Chiara couldn’t believe that she will get to see him after such a long time.

***

It was almost 5 and Chiara found herself running around her apartment cleaning everything and preparing for Ethan. She was about to put the water for a coffee when she heard the door bell ringing. Her hands started sweating and she almost pissed her pants. She slowly opened the door and saw him standing there.

He looked stunning. His hair longer than before, he was dressed in a white buttoned up shirt, tight black jeans and black Dr. Martens. He was so handsome. Chiara gasped at the sight of him.

- Ciao, Chi. - he said with a slight smile on his face.

His voice was calm and deep just as always.

- Ciao, Ethan. - she said, still looking into his eyes.

They were standing in front of each other both not knowing what to do.

- Please, come in. - she said but instead he came up to her and wrapped his arms around her pulling her in to a warm, welcoming hug.

Chiara felt all the time stopped. It was only them standing in a tight hug with each other, enjoying each other’s embrace. Ethan missed her scent and the way she always stood on her tip toes to reach him. She was everything he ever needed and when he finally held her in his arms, he felt like everything was back to normal.

- I missed you so much. - Chiara sobbed into his ear and he squeezed her even tighter.

She couldn’t control herself anymore and she bursted in tears holding on to his neck. Ethan knew that Chiara regretted what happened the minute he saw her sad eyes and he couldn’t control himself either, tears falling down his cheeks.

- Shh.. I’m here, Chi. - he said politely, stroking her back to calm her down.

She pulled away and looked into his eyes.

- I.. - she wanted to say something but Ethan stopped her.

- Let’s come in and sit down. - he gestured at the inside of Chiara’s apartment.

- Yes, yes. - she said and they both entered her flat.

Chiara made a coffee for her and Ethan and they both sat down next to each other on the couch in the living room. They stayed silent for a few minutes just staring at each other and smiling slightly.

- How was Portugal? - Chiara broke the silence, taking a sip of her coffee.

- It was good, weather was really nice. I spent most of the time at the beach reading. - he said also sipping his coffee.

Chiara noticed that Ethan looked a bit different. His arms were more muscular , his chest wider and his thighs bigger. He was so insanely attractive.

- Did you start working out? - she asked surprised.

- Yeah, I had to focus on something and my aunt has a little gym in her garage so I just lifted some weights. - he said chuckling. - So you see the difference? I didn’t know it’s that visible.

- Four months is a long time, of course I see the difference. - she said, letting down her head and looking at her cup.

She wanted to jump at him and kiss him and tell him how much he means to her and that she’s so happy that he’s back.

- Listen I’m really-

- Sorry.. I know. - Ethan interrupted her, putting their cups on the coffee table and grabbing Chiara’s hands. - I know you’re sorry and I know you didn’t want any of that to happen. I understand you were drunk. But you hurt me a lot, cazzo.. You broke my heart Chiara. When I saw you with him.. You don’t even know what I felt. I felt like a part of me died. - he said squeezing her hands.

- I know. - she said quietly loosing all the courage to look at him. - I know I hurt you and disappointed you, but I love you, Ethan. I love you more than anyone could ever think and I can’t imagine my life without you. I know I have no right to ask you to forgive me, but believe me, when you left, my whole world shattered. Because being without you is like being without myself. And what am I without myself? Nothing. - she said with tears in her eyes, finally looking at his face.

Ethan couldn’t stop himself. He cupped Chiara’s cheek with his palm and pulled her closer. He stroked her shoulder with his other hand and seconds later she could feel his lips on hers. The kiss was slow, gentle and full of love. They kissed carefully, afraid that one of them will hurt the other. Chiara wrapped her hands around Ethan’s neck and suddenly he pulled her up on his lap. She pulled away and looked at him carefully.

- I forgave you a long time ago. - he said pecking her lips again. - I love you, Chi. And there’s nothing that can change that. - Ethan kissed her again, more passionately this time.

- But.. wait, what does this mean? - she asked, pulling away again.

- I give you another chance. You hurt me but I realized that you didn’t mean it and I’m willing to try again with you. - he said stroking her cheek and looking into her eyes.

Chiara couldn’t have been happier than in this minute. She threw herself on Ethan and hugged him tightly. He leaned his face against her neck and wrapped his arm around her.

- Thank you - she said, kissing his cheek.

- You’re my everything Chi. I can’t live without you. - Ethan said.

He kissed her again and moments later they found themselves in Chiara’s bedroom, making out on her bed. He pulled off her oversized hoodie and she started unbuttoning his shirt. All the fear, sadness and shame disappeared when Ethan kneeled in front of her on the bed, pulling off her shorts along with her panties. Chiara grabbed his belt and after she took it off, Ethan pulled off his jeans and hung over her beautiful naked body. She pulled him closer, grabbing the back of his neck and while running her fingers through his hair, she kissed him with so much desire. She was needy and so was he. They both missed each other’s touch and a feeling of their bodies grinding against each other.

- I love you so much - Chiara said when Ethan kissed her breasts and started trailing his kisses down her stomach.

- You’re all fucking mine. - he said when he reached her thighs.

Ethan spread them apart and the second he laid his lips on her, Chiara let out a loud moan. He started licking her up and she was tugging on his hair. She grabbed the sheets when she felt him licking her entrance and she couldn’t stop moaning his name.

- Ethan.. It feels so good.. - she sighed when he squeezed her hips and looked her in the eyes, still licking her.

At this sight she lost it and a warm feeling spread inside her stomach while she reached her climax. She let out the last moan and a second later Ethan was above her kissing her dry lips.

Chiara wrapped her legs around Ethan’s hips and, looking into her eyes he put his erection inside her, filling her to the last inch. Chiara screamed from pleasure, a familiar feeling of him inside her. He started thrusting slowly. He remembered the way he fucked her in the bathroom and this time he didn’t want to hurt her. Chiara felt different this time. She knew that this sex was like no other. Full of love, reassurance and passion. It was different than any other sex she had with Ethan and she couldn’t get her eyes off of him. His torso was well built, visible muscles on his chest. His arms were stronger and his back was a lot wider than it used to be. His cheek bones were more sharp and Chiara couldn’t stop staring at him while he was pulling inside and out of her.

- Like the view? - he moaned kissing her cheek and his pace went a bit faster.

- Yes.. - she sighed and tugged his hair.

Even though the sex was slower than usual, Ethan and Chiara felt their high coming. He started moving a bit harder and faster but not too fast to enjoy the moment just a bit longer. Chiara felt her walls tightening around Ethan’s erection and she knew she’s gonna cum any second. Ethan grabbed her face and kissed her harshly while hitting every little spot inside her. They were both on the edge when suddenly Ethan’s warm sperm spread inside Chiara and her walls clenched around him. Both screamed each other’s name reaching the climax together.

Ethan fell on Chiara’s body, they were all sweaty and breathing heavily. After a second he pulled out of her and laid next to her, pulling her closer to him, so she could lay on his chest. Chiara leaned her face against Ethan’s neck and put her hand on his chest, stroking I gently.

- I love you, Chi, more than this world has ever seen. - Ethan said and kissed her forehead.

Since then Chiara and Ethan decided to start a proper relationship. They loved each other more than ever and Ethan knew that it was a good decision to give her another chance because Chiara didn’t leave him once, even for a second. She was constantly trying to show him how much he means to her and she was completely crazy about him.

*a few years later*

- I do - Chiara said, smiling.

She was standing in front of Ethan, in a beautiful white long dress, holding his hands. Victoria’s sobbing could be heard in the back.

- Do you Ethan Torchio take Chiara Russo to be your wife, to have and hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until you are parted by death?

Ethan squeezed Chiara’s hands and smiled to her widely.

- I do. - he said and Thomas bursted in tears.

- I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss your bride.

Ethan grabbed Chiara’s face with his both hands and planted a gentle kiss on her lips. She wrapped her hands around his neck, kissing him back and smiling. Everyone started cheering, crying and clapping their hands.

Chiara was nothing without Ethan. Ethan was something with Chiara. Together they were everything to each other that they ever needed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow, that was long but I was so excited to finish it that I lost the count of words haha!

I hope you enjoyed these 3 parts.

Thank you so much for reading! 😘

Requests are opened if you’d like me to write anything specific ❤️

Tag list [ @teenyweenynightghost , @superchrystaldrug ]

[charmingyong]

Trust the Magenta Lilacs

Lilacs symbolize spring, renewal, and first love. Magenta lilacs symbolize love and passion. Regardless of colour, lilacs have a lasting association with love and romance.

Genre: Taeyong x fem!reader, university, humour, fluff, angst, slow burn, friends with benefits, friends to lovers

Characters: Y/N, Taeyong, Joy, Johnny, Yuta, Ten, Mark, Jaehyun

Warnings: slow burn, suggestive themes, talks of sex (not explicit), emotional trauma, swear words, alcohol consumption, harassment, feelings of betrayal, trust issues

Plot: You weren’t interested in relationships. But your dear friend Joy was desperate to have you living a more thrilling university life. She introduced you to a group of boys, in which one of them shook your heart.

Word count: 26k

Disclaimer: This story was inspired by a talk between my sister and her friend about their friends' relationships. Regarding this, the main characters are completely fictional and do not fully represent these people nor the true personalities of the idols casted. If you are triggered by the warnings, I advise you to either read with caution or not read this. There's only a couple of scenes which I think can be triggering for some people.

A/N: The italicized English lyrics half-way in the story is My Everything by NCT U. 

© 2021 charmingyong.

- ❀ -

“I’ll be back shortly with your drinks.” Your server gave you and Joy a smile before leaving your table.

You took the time to look around the on-campus restaurant. It was just after two in the afternoon, meaning a lot of students were still in classes and explained the numerous empty tables. A soft music was playing in the background, creating a peaceful ambiance for anyone to come in and de-stress from their routine while enjoying a variety of comfort foods on the menu. Life wasn’t stressful just yet, as it was only the beginning of the fall semester of your senior year.

You brought your eyes to look at the girl sitting across from you, her gaze dreamily locked onto the retreating figure. “He’s so hot with that mustache,” she said. Once the server was out of her sight, she shifted her gaze to yours for a sign of agreement.

You didn’t say anything. In fact, you already forgot how he looked like the second he left your table and you didn’t give him a second glance. Because you didn’t care. Joy raised an eyebrow at you, waiting for your response and so you said the truth. “I don’t remember...”

Her eyes blew up in shock. “You sure you don’t have a short-term memory loss or something? How can you forget his super handsome face? Like you don’t have to look at boys just for relationships, you know that right? Unless you’re...” she trailed off with a sly smile.

You rolled your eyes at her. “If I was, I would have kissed you by now.” You stuck your tongue out at her playfully.

She let out a sigh. “I’d love to have that kiss. But jokes aside, you’re seriously missing out. You can literally do anything and your parents won’t know. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you do bad things, but looking at guys isn’t a bad thing. Maybe you’ll find a guy that catches your eye and something happens between you two. Like talking, flirting, crushing on him, becoming friends with him... maybe fall in love. When else is the perfect chance to meet boys than in university?” Joy ended off with an excited and hopeful expression on her face, wishing that you’d agreed with her.

You only shrugged nonchalantly. You weren’t scared for your parents to find out about what you were up to and you didn’t care. You knew how to your ‘me’ time in your upper years compared to when you were a freshman. Considering the amount of tea Joy brought to you to spill, you preferred staying single than having drama in your life.

You knew Joy was respective with your decision to stay single because she knew that made you feel comfortable. But at times like this, she would try to talk you into giving boys a chance. Joy didn’t want her friend to end up feeling lonely and unhappy. You only really had Joy as a good friend, thanks to your introverted personality. One time she asked you whether your decision to stay single had anything to do with your father, in which your reply was a prompt no. But you thought about it from time to time. What if it was?

She crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. “You’re coming with me this weekend.”

“No.”

“I wasn’t asking.”

“I don’t want to.” You knew what Joy was referring to. There was a party happening this weekend. Whenever Joy went to attend parties, you stayed back at your shared apartment. You never liked the idea of going to parties when you weren’t ready to mingle with strangers.

“Before you say no again, actually take your time thinking about it, Y/N.” With that, both of your drinks arrived.

- ❀ -

“Are you sure you really, really, really don’t want to go to this party? It’s for your own good, Y/N, and I promise I won’t leave you alone.” Joy brought out her best puppy eyes and pouted with her bright shade of red lipstick on her lips. She looked stunning standing by the front door of the apartment, wearing a black mini dress under a black leather jacket.

You knew she wouldn’t leave you alone without a warning and you also knew it was for your own good. But you couldn’t care less about it. Go stubborn! “Even though you look super cute right now trying to talk me into coming with you, I’m super sure about not going to this party,” you said confidently.

Joy’s face fell momentarily before picking up her mood again. “Well then, I’ll be heading off. Don’t stay up for me in case... you know,” she winked at me and walked out the front door.

- ❀ -

You woke up the next morning with someone shaking you roughly, almost pushing you off your bed. “Y/N! You need to come with me now!”

“What the heck Joy? Let me sleep,” you groaned and snuggled under your cozy blanket. But Joy had other plans and ripped the blanket from your body, leaving you slightly cold. With the way Joy was determined to follow her agenda, you groaned and sat up. “Fine, what is it? Where are we going?”

She squealed in excitement with a huge smile plastered on her face. “We’re going to their house!”

“Whose?”

“To Johnny’s and his friends’!”

Who was Johnny? “Why are we going to their house, especially this early in the morning? Is their house some sort of museum?”

Joy giggled at your joke. “It is in a way. And Johnny invited you over.” Your eyebrows furrowed, confused that a boy you had never met invited you to his house. “He’s really a sweetheart and a gentleman and the other boys are really friendly too. You don’t have to be nervous about the meet. They’re curious to meet you after I talked about you at the party.”

You were used to this. Joy always talked about you to others as if she was running around and sharing your dating profile to prospective partners. Though she never actually tried to set you up with someone. She would only talk about you and your non-thrilling life and your vow to stay away from boys.

She never forced you to meet boys and so the fact that she was doing so then shocked you.

“Don’t worry. You will like them too. And find them hot. I just know it! All I’m asking is for you to give them a chance. Just trust me and let’s go, please?” Once again, she shot her signature puppy look at you, making you sigh in defeat.

- ❀ -

When you two reached the front door of their house, Joy knocked. As if on cue, the door opened immediately to reveal a tall guy with a beautiful smile adorning his face. “Good morning, ladies. You must be Y/N. I’m Johnny. Come on in and please make yourself feel comfortable.” He moved to the side to let you two in.  

Once in the living room, Joy turned her head to give you a look. You could read her face well and knew that she was asking if you found Johnny hot. You didn’t give her any sign of response, wanting to create suspense for her.

“Joy talked about you at the party and it would be a pleasure to meet you. I’m glad she loved my idea and brought you over to meet me and the others.”

“But why would u want to meet me?”

He gasped, not believing that you didn’t know the reason yourself. “You’re seriously asking me that? It would be a huge honour to hear you call me handsome. Girls always compliment me about my dashing looks that it would be interesting when a beautiful girl like you would say otherwise.”

Beautiful girl? “You’ve never seen me before. How would know if I was beautiful?”

“Because everyone is beautiful.” A voice was heard behind Johnny and a boy appeared beside him. “Hello princess, I’m Yuta. Always at ladies’ service,” Yuta said with a smile and a wink.

Your heart fluttered yet also cringed a little internally with his flirty manner. Joy had warned you in advance of a flirtatious guy named Yuta. The good thing with him was that he made sure to stay within his limits and he wouldn’t do anything to make the receiving end feel uncomfortable. You hadn’t known him for even a minute and you weren’t not sure whether you should like him or be wary of him. Though you had to give him points for saying that everyone was beautiful. “I like that you guys think everyone is beautiful.”

He chuckled. “Think? Oh no. It’s a fact, princess.”

Another boy showed up. “Wait, what’s the fact?”

“Everyone is beautiful.”

“Oh yes I agree. Everyone is, especially my Johnny. He once grew out his hair past his shoulders and I fell in love with him all over again. By the way I’m Ten, and you are Y/N, right?”  

“Yes.”

“Ah the Y/N Joy talked about last night. It’s a pleasure to meet you, princess,” Yuta gave you a smile so beautiful that made your heart heal a little. “But I have to say. Mark sleeping on such an honourable guest is quite disrespectful.  

Johnny nodded. “I agree. Mark!” he yelled. “Quit sleeping and come down! The royal highness is here!” You were starting to think whether these boys’ sanity was okay, treating you like you needed the red carpet to walk on.

A faint grumble was heard from above, followed by some light footsteps making their way down the stairs. In entered a boy you guessed was Mark. His face was scrunched up with his messy bed hair. When his eyes landed on you, his eyes blew up and looked like he was fully awake now, flustered that your first impression of him was his sleepy appearance. “Oh hi there. I’m Mark,” he greeted you with a smile.

Ten snickered. “Y/N knows since you needed a special wakeup call from hyung.”

Mark elbowed him in the ribs, making Ten let out a small cry of pain.

“Mark! We don’t condone violence in this house, especially in front of ladies,” Johnny scolded.

“But hyung-”

“No!”

Mark grumbled under his breath. “Not fair.”

Yuta heard him. “Do you want a boo-boo kiss for hyung being mean, Markie?”

“What the hell hyung? No!”

You were grateful that Joy dragged you out of bed to meet a bunch of boys you’d never seen before. You’d be lying if you said you didn’t find them attractive. They were pretty handsome. But that was it. You didn’t feel anything else inside you that would make you want to interact with them in a manner more than friends. The way the boys were polite with you and playful with each other made you want to be friends with them.  

In the midst of everything happening from the boys pulling each other’s legs (not literally thankfully) to your train of thoughts, you didn’t hear the front door open. From the corner of your eyes, you saw a figure appear that stood a few feet away from you. When you shifted your focus onto it, your breathing stopped momentarily and your blood rushed faster inside you. The boy’s gaze was locked on you, not moving a single muscle to see what his housemates were up to. His poker face intimidated you, and you felt like a deer caught in headlights, paralyzed. What shocked you the most was his big brown eyes, so large that you could see yourself in the middle of the galaxy.

- ❀ -

“Y/N, are you taking any easy courses right now?” Ten asked. “One of my classes is going to drive me crazy and I want to switch out.”

After all the boys were introduced to you and numbers were exchanged, Johnny suggested having breakfast together. You sat with Joy and your new friends at a nearby diner, talking about school while eating your meal.

“Hmm... how about Korean? I’m taking the beginner’s course so it’s all basics.”

He nodded looking satisfied. “Having the others around already has me knowing the basics. So that sounds like a good class to me.”

“I’m going to switch too,” Yuta blurted.

Mark was surprised with Yuta’s announcement out of the blue. “I thought you liked all your classes. And you’re super fluent in Korean.”

“Where’s the fun if I’m not around Y/N? Plus, they don’t have paper proof on me that I’m better at Korean than you.”

“HYUNG!”

While you were busy talking about the course syllabus and who they should contact as there was an upcoming quiz, Taeyong felt his mobile vibrate in his pocket. He pulled it out to see a message from Lez. “I’m going to see Lez today,” he informed Johnny who was sitting across from him at the end of the table.

“Weren’t you gonna hang out with someone already today?” Johnny asked.

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah, Brie. But I’m meeting Lez before the party tonight so I’ll get to the party with her.”

“Alright man.”

Joy overheard them and she wasn’t sure how to feel about Taeyong. She hadn’t been able to learn much about him at the party, considering he was absent most of the time when she talked to the others. All she heard about him was that he had many girls in his contacts.

“There’s another party tonight?” you asked from Mark’s outburst when he challenged Yuta to rap his verse that he prepared for the party.

“Of course! It’s Saturday. Parties happen until Sunday even.”

“I mean- I know that but Joy didn’t tell me...” and you figured it was her plan to have you clueless until she could strike her chance to persuade you. If you had known beforehand, you would have slammed a big fat NO on her face. You turned to Joy with suspicious eyes, but she only looked at you with innocence, batting her eyelashes.

“You are coming right?” Yuta asked you.

Ten spoke up, not willing to take any objections. “Of course she is! Now that she has us, we’re dragging her to the party. We’re not having her miss out on another party. She needs to live a little.”

Mark nodded agreeing with him. “Yes Y/N, you really should come. You can just hang around us. Please?”

With the way Mark pleaded you with his adorable cute eyes and pouted lips, you couldn’t help but agree to finally go to your first ever party in university. “Okay.”

Everyone at the table let out various noises of excitement. You could have sworn you saw Joy’s eyes tear up in happiness. Johnny, who was silently watching the commotion, smiled at you, pleased with your decision.

That was everyone except for Taeyong, who was smirking at his phone.

- ❀ -

“So how do you feel about the boys? Was I right?”

You and Joy said your goodbyes to the boys from the diner and drove back to your apartment. The boys decided to pick you and Joy up tonight and go to the party together. You slumped down onto the couch, feeling good about the interaction and making new friends. “Yes, you were. They’re friendly and funny too. Gosh that was so nerve-wracking on our way there though, not knowing what to expect.”

Joy punched the air in glory of her victory. “Yes, yes, yes! Okay but the main question is do you find them hot?” she asked eagerly. Your nod made Joy do a big happy dance and yelled out a “Finally!”

“They’re all pretty handsome. I would actually hit myself if I said they weren’t. But that’s about it. I don’t feel anything else towards them.” It was the truth. Their good looks didn’t spark anything else inside you besides warmth from their playful interactions that you witnessed. The only exception did go to-

“That’s fine! To hear you finally find a guy attractive is enough for me to die in peace.” She closed her eyes and wiped away her nonexistent tears. “But who struck you the most?”  

When your gaze was locked on the boy with deep brown eyes, you heard Johnny introduce you to Taeyong. You shifted your sight to the owner of the voice and that was when you learned that the name of the boy who made you feel uneasy was Taeyong. You felt your breathing somewhat come back once your eyes were anywhere except on him, but your stiffness was still there. His mere presence made you feel intimidated by him, which was why you tried to sit as far away as possible from him at the diner. Though out of all the boys you met, he was the most good-looking.

“Taeyong,” you answered.

Her face fell at your answer, which wasn’t the reaction you expected. “What do you feel with Taeyong?” Joy grew anxious.

“You don’t look happy.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to feel with Taeyong. I haven’t really talked to him at the party and I don’t want you to get involved with him more than just friends.”

To say you were shocked was an understatement. After all this time of Joy getting you to interact with boys, she placed a restriction with the one you found the most good-looking. It wasn’t a problem anyway as you didn’t feel anything else with Taeyong except for running away from him. “But why?”

She shook her head. “I don’t know the truth and I don’t want to sound like I’m judging him without knowing the truth. But it seems like I’m already doing that,” she chuckled to herself. “He... talks to a lot of girls.”

You were confused. What was that supposed to mean? “Does he like fuck around with them?”

“Well I don’t know about that, but he is seeing a lot of girls and he’s not officially in a relationship with anyone so it’s not like he’s two-timing or cheating, but... You know I don’t want you getting hurt, especially since I forced this whole meeting boys thing on you. I don’t want him to mislead you and have something more than friends going on but at the end breaks it off and hurts you. I just want you to be happy without getting hurt.”

You nodded, understanding her. “I know you only want the best for me, Joy.”

She laughed quietly. “Remember what I said one time if you were to ever have a boyfriend?”

You smiled, vividly reminiscing her words. “That you’ll do a background check on him to make sure he’s good.”

She nodded. “Because I don’t want you to go through what I did with my past exes. Being friends with Taeyong is fine. Anything more than that and I’m not going to sit around and do nothing.”

- ❀ -

“Y/N! Are you ready yet?”

The evening rolled in faster than you expected and you were nowhere near ready for the party. You were going to your first ever party in university so you wanted to dress up the very best. However, your wardrobe was lacking the appropriate attire for the event.  

Joy walked into your bedroom to check up on you. “What’s taking so long, girl?”  

You sighed loudly, giving up on your search for the perfect outfit and you lied down on your bed feeling disappointed. “I can’t find anything to wear.” 

Joy walked up to your open wardrobe and shuffled your clothes around. She paused and picked something up, showing you her selection. “This is so cute!” she gushed. “I’ve never seen you wear this.” 

Lifting your head up, you saw her holding a top that you had never worn before. Because you didn’t have the confidence to do so. “I’m not wearing that.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re wearing this or I’m going to make you wear one of my dresses.”

That was all she had to say before you jumped onto your feet and snatched the top from her hand. Your friend snickered, knowing how much you hated wearing dresses.

You heard a phone ring, making Joy pull out her phone and answer the call. “Hey John!” she greeted in a sweet tone. “Okay, we’ll be there in a bit.” She shoved her phone back in her pocket. “The boys are here waiting for us.”

- ❀ -

Johnny parked the car on the road among many other cars and your group walked down the sidewalk that lead up to the extravagant exterior of the house. Once inside, you were amazed by the humongous space and even more by the number of people occupying it. Students were talking with red solo cups in their hands, dancing with the music blasting from the hi-fi stereo system, playing games and laughing at the losers. If Joy or any of your new friends left you alone, you were going to cry. You did not fit in here with your monotone studious life.

Johnny informed your group that Taeyong was going to arrive at the party on his own. You weren’t sure whether you hoped to find him or avoid crossing his path. He hadn’t talked with you at all yet, neither at their house nor at the diner. Your theory was that he was a quiet boy. But if Joy was right, then how would a quiet boy have many girls in his contacts? He had to have talked to initiate something with them. But then considering his looks, girls would have approached him first. You were close to concluding that Taeyong didn’t like you and that was a problem if you and Joy were going to hang out with the boys often. He was going to be unavoidable unless he was busy himself. As if the thought of him not liking you wasn’t enough, you on the other hand were simply intimidated with the aura he radiated when looking into his eyes.

“Y/N, follow me!” Ten grabbed your hand and led you to the other side of the house. There was some space by the wall, looking like a stage for performances to occur. You were curious what acts were going to take place.

An unknown guy showed up with a mic on the stage. “Yo whatzzup everyone?” The crowd who was there to see the stage cheered loudly. “Alright so we got the Misfit gang ready to perform. Are you ready for a rocking, roof raising performance by them?”

A collection of loud yeses and cheers had the music begin. No one was on the stage yet, leaving the performer a surprise. Right before the verse began, Mark stepped onto the stage with a mic, making your eyes blow up in shock.

“I’m a misfit manneun fit jachega eopji

Sumi teokteok makin oseul ibeun neukkim

Jigyeopji gomin eopsi geunyang rip it

Nareul kkeureonaeriryeo halsurok get lifted”

You gawked at Mark and his ability to spit fire just minutes after arriving to the party. You realized that the rap Mark was referring to over breakfast was the performance for Misfit.

And what followed next was beyond your wildest imagination. The crowd parted to let Taeyong walk to the stage while rapping his verse.

“Aesseo nal jaedanharyeoneun geon dwaesseo

Jigeum idaero ga the best never mess up

Uisimi eopji geujeo bring it to the next

Nan deunneun bangbeobeul molla I’m a def”

You were struck by how handsome he looked wearing a black button-down shirt and ripped jeans with matching hair colour that made his beautiful face stand out even more. And though you were still intimidated by him, your heart couldn’t help itself from fluttering at how handsome he looked as a performer. 

One after another, the rappers made their way to the stage at the appropriate time for their verses. Johnny was the last one to jump on and his entry made the girls in the audience squeal in delight. It seemed like Johnny was quite a catch for the ladies.

When all the rappers sang the ending chorus, you were dazed by Taeyong’s presence on stage and the power he held. And it was not just you who slightly swooned over him, but other girls and boys too. After their performance ended, you heard a guy from the crowd yell “I love you Taeyong!” that resulted in a series of confessions being thrown from the audience to the rappers on the stage.

“So did you like their performance?” Ten asked you.

You nodded slowly, still in shock with the adrenaline-rushing performance that you were blessed to see. “Yeah totally! I didn’t know they could rap like that.”

“As expected from the aces,” Yuta said.

“Totally,” Ten agreed. “Oh hyung! Wanna go grab some drinks? Y/N, do you want some too?”

You were starting to feel a bit anxious with the number of people you were surrounded with. Before entering the place, you noticed a balcony on the second floor and wished to go there so that you could breathe comfortably. “Sure but am I allowed to go on the second floor? I want some fresh air.”

Yuta nodded. “Of course. You’re allowed to go anywhere unless there’s a sign that says otherwise. I’ll come up with your drink,” he smiled at you before Ten dragged him away.

The staircase was easily spotted and right when you took a step, you forgot about Joy ever since Ten dragged you away for the stage. You tried looking around, but you couldn’t spot your friend. Pulling out your phone, you found a notification from her.

Joy: Looks like you’re in good hands ;) call me if you need me <3 have fun!

You let out a breath of relief, grateful that Joy wasn’t mad at you for forgetting about her. With that, you made your way up the stairs and down the hallway to the room you guessed had the balcony. The door was fully open, displaying a full view of the balcony. Perfect! You poked your head in to make sure no one was inside. All clear! Walking up to the balcony, you leaned on the railing and took a fresh deep breath of the chilly night, instantly relaxing.

It wasn’t long until you heard footsteps that made you turn on your heel to see who was coming in your direction.

Taeyong.

With a girl beside him.

Hands linked together.

When he saw you face him, he held your gaze for a few seconds, his face unreadable before disappearing into the room adjacent to yours.

He did it again. He made you feel anxious. And a thing you confirmed about him was that he did have something going on with girls that involved a bedroom.

You left your room as you had no interest to listen to their private activity. Halfway down the hall, Yuta showed up with a drink in each hand. “What’s up, princess?” he asked, handing you your drink.

“I’m not feeling the balcony anymore.”

He peeked over your shoulder at the vacant balcony room behind you, giving you a look like you were crazy for ditching an awesome quieter spot compared to the floor below. “Come on! It’s empty and the view looks great.” He began walking in the direction of the balcony room until…

Noises were heard behind the closed doors.

He stopped in his tracks and realized why you were against the idea. A smirk made its way onto his face and he pointed an index finger at the room Taeyong was in, silently asking you if that was your reason.

You nodded.

Yuta strolled back to where you were fixed. “So you really are a virgin?”

You felt embarrassed. It sounded like you should have lost your v-card being a senior student. “Yeah…”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Y/N. I had a guess that you were when Joy talked about you.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

He shook his head, disagreeing with you. “No, it’s not. There’s nothing wrong with that. People have their reasons for doing it or not.”

That made you think about Taeyong. What was his reason? Was it just to satisfy his sexual desire? Was it something else?

“What’s your reason? Waiting for someone special?” he asked.

You did have your reason, but it wasn’t the one Yuta guessed. You were never interested in that special someone to come into your life and for that reason, you chucked the idea of ever having your first time out the window. Sure, one-night stands existed but losing your virginity to a complete stranger didn’t appeal to you. “No, I’m not waiting for anyone special. I am… like curious… but I wasn’t interested with any guy to… you know?”

He cocked his head to the side, amused. “I should have seen that coming. But are you still not into guys? Because…” he trailed off, pointing his thumb towards himself.

You raised an eyebrow. “Because…?”

He laughed. “Are you serious? Am I not handsome?”

Oh. For a brief moment, you thought he was implying you to have sex with him. You were almost positive that he was. To answer his question, “You are handsome, Yuta.” You remembered your first impression of his, debating whether to like him or not. After talking more with him, you realized he was only being nice to you and so you warmed up to him fairly quickly.

The pride he felt with your confession brought a huge smile on his face. “You do know how much it means for me to hear that from you, right? Any guy would die to hear that from you, princess.”

You frowned. “I don’t think that’s true.”

“Nonsense. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen,” he stated seriously.

It wasn’t that you thought you weren’t beautiful in your eyes. You were beautiful. But it was the thought of what if you weren’t attractive to the opposite sex that made you keep denying it, especially if they were only saying it to act polite. The way Yuta looked at you with soft sparkling eyes made your heart melt and so you believed his words.

Right at that time, you heard a door open and saw the girl with Taeyong earlier leave the room, followed by the boy himself. His skin was slightly flushed, couple of buttons on his shirt undone, and his hair a bit messier than before entering the room. He noticed you and Yuta standing afar and walked up to you both after sending a “see you later” to the girl. “Hey Yuta,” he greeted his friend first before acknowledging you. “Hi Y/N.”

And he did it again. Looking at you with his indifferent expression before turning to Yuta to exchange a few words. Your heart was beating so fast with your sight locked on his handsome yet intimidating side profile.

He looked at you for a brief moment, quietly muttering “see you later,” and made his way towards the staircase.

Your heart rate returned to normal after he left, but you were worried that it wasn’t going to be the last time seeing him that night. The untouched drink in your hand was the perfect solution to your concern and you downed it in one go, burning your throat.

- ❀ -

The next day, you and Joy went to their house after lunch. Joy had a review session with Johnny and Ten for math and while you knew Joy had put it off till her last year to finish the requirement, you were surprised that Johnny did the same. Ten being a year younger than them took the course at the same time in order to be with Johnny.

“Damn these first-year courses having huge lecture halls and being jam packed. We could have met earlier!” Ten whined.

“I know right!” Joy exclaimed.

You didn’t have anything else to do as your courses were fairly light for the first few weeks. The only thing in your agenda was your Korean quiz coming up in the middle of the week. For that, you had the word list saved on your phone to pull up easily. You tagged along with Joy hoping to hang around more with your new friends.

Johnny came back into the living room, looking nervous. “Uh guys, we have a problem. I can’t find the textbook.”

“What?! Hyung I trusted you!” It turned out that Ten didn’t purchase the textbook in order to save money. Why buy one when your friend had one?

“Oh no. I didn’t buy one thinking I can just go to the library and sign one out,” Joy said.

“We can just do that then. Go to the library,” Johnny suggested.

Ten groaned. “I hate libraries. It’s too quiet and serious. But we don’t have another choice, do we?”

Johnny only gave him a look, not saying anything.

With a sigh and an “okay,” Ten began gathering his stuff and shoving it in his backpack.

Johnny did the same and in the middle of it, he asked you, “Are you okay with library, Y/N?”

It was pointless to go there just to review off your phone. “No. Is anyone else here? Otherwise I’ll head home.”

Ten spoke up. “Mark is already at the library, the studious freshman he is. Yuta went out with his other friends. The only one left is Taeyong and he’s chilling in his room.”

Shit.

The conflict of deciding whether to stay or leave for home right at the moment was your fight-or-flight response talking. Taeyong was in the house. Alone. That thought made you want to fight and courageously talk to him and clear things up about his behaviour with you. Even though that idea had you panicky and wanting to flee, it had to be done because you wished to be on everyone’s good terms in the group.

“Okay. I’ll stay here then.”

Joy gave a you an unreadable look, which was a first. You could always read her no matter what the situation. But that moment had you guessing. Did she not like the idea of you being around Taeyong? Didn’t she say it was okay to be friends with him only? Was she worried for you? It was almost like she was warning you to be careful.

“Taeyong! We’re going to the library and Y/N will be here!” Johnny yelled up the stairs. There was no response.

“Hyung might have his headphones on.”

Nodding in agreement, Johnny said to you, “Okay Y/N. Feel free to make yourself at home. You’re welcome to have anything in the kitchen if hungry, watch or play on the TV. Anything. Understood?” He was making sure that you weren’t going to keep to yourself and feel like a stranger in the house.

“I’ll try,” you smiled at the heartfelt words.

Once ready they left, and you felt uneasy. You thought his mere presence just inches from you made your heart pump faster. But being alone in the house with him upstairs was slowly killing you.

You opted to sit on the couch and review the word list on your phone. After going through half the list, you hear a door open upstairs and soft footsteps making their way down the stairs. Your body stiffened, hands sweating, and the speed at which your blood was pumping made you feel a little lightheaded.

On his way to the kitchen, Taeyong froze in his tracks upon noticing a quiet girl on the couch.

You shifted your gaze to look at the flustered boy. He didn’t expect you to be alone.

“Hi,” you squeaked, your voice betraying you as if it had chosen the flight response and jumped out the window.

He recovered from the surprise and greeted you back. “Hi. Where are the others?”

You cleared your throat hoping your voice to come back and informed him of the situation.

He nodded in understanding. Ditching the reason for going to the kitchen in the first place, he walked to where you sat and settled down on the couch across from you. “You stayed,” he stated it in a way to indirectly question you the reason for your stay when no one else was downstairs.

You badly wanted to ask him something, but you were a little scared. Honestly, you were extremely terrified, but you didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t give any signs away whether he liked you or not. You couldn’t think of a single reason as to why he would hate you. If he liked you, as an acquaintance, then he was really good at hiding his emotions.

You cleared your throat again. “Taeyong, can I ask you something?”

He nodded.

Your heart was pounding against your chest, scared to hear his answer. “Do you not like me? I meant like... do you hate me?”

Taeyong’s eyes went big at your question. He never thought he was giving off that kind of message that made you think he hated you. He knew he wasn’t talking to you like the way others did. But it was for a reason that was opposite to not liking you. He really was into you and wanted to get to know you better. But his fear stopped him from talking to you.

He didn’t realize his silence was making you restless and made you jump to your conclusion. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what it is that made you not like me but if you let me know-”

“No! I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to act the way I did. It’s just that I like you and I don’t know what you’ve heard about me and I don’t want to mess up and I- I really don’t know what to say.” He buried his head in his hands, frustrated that he couldn’t find it in him to explain himself clearly.

You on the other hand went still by his outburst. “You like me?”

His head shot up in alarm. “No no no! I mean yes but no not like that. I mean like friends.”

You let out a breath of relief and flashed a small yet sincere smile. Both from knowing that Taeyong liked you and as friends only. You were not ready for a confession that fast from a guy that you had met recently without much interactions, especially from the one that made you feel intimidated. After hearing that him not liking you wasn’t true and seeing his softer side through his rambling, your heart rate started to return to normal and you no longer felt uneasy around him like you did before.

His fingers became fidgety, nervously wanting to ask you something. “Have you heard about me?”

You didn’t know what to say for a moment. You didn’t want him to think that you were judging him from the little information Joy told you and what you saw last night. Nodding slowly, you said, “Kind of, but I want to hear it from you. I heard you have a lot of girls in your contacts.”

Taeyong half smiled at you. “You’re right I talk to girls. But…” He was trying to come up with the right words without making him sound like a fuckboy or player even if the case sounded like that. “I make it clear with them in the beginning that I only want to be friends with them, or even taking it further to being friends with benefits if they want. No relationships so I’m not playing with anyone’s heart.”

Oh. “So the girls that you talk to are only your friends?”

He flashed a smile. “Yes. I promise I’m not a fuckboy.”

It didn’t make sense to you. What was the big issue with that?

“I know what you’re thinking.” He looked down at his hands. “I seek something from them. And if I’m not getting it, I don’t talk to them.”

Personal gain? But not sex? “They’re not your true friends, are they?”

He shook his head. “Not like the boys.”

“What is it that you need from them?”

He closed his eyes, sort of wishing he never started the conversation. It made him feel vulnerable and open to you when he had only known you, well seen you for a day. No one had ever asked him for the truth. The boys would only assume it was what he wanted and they knew Taeyong would tell them if he was in a relationship. They would observe his behaviour around the girls and he never flirted in a way to mislead them. All the girls knew what he wanted, and those more obsessive would try their ways to win his heart in hopes of a commitment from him and earn the girlfriend title. But that never happened with the boundaries set beforehand. Whenever a case arose of a girl finding her significant other, it was the time for him to end the friendship. Call it friendships or flings, he didn’t know. He could care less because at the end of the day, all he sought from the girls were…

“Affection.”

Taeyong came from a damaged household where his parents were divorced when he was in middle school. Too busy with their own lives, neither of them gave him, their only child, the love and attention every child needed growing up. Ever since, he had been searching for it without getting into relationships. He didn’t want himself or the other person to get hurt in a commitment, and this was him speaking on behalf of his trauma.

Taeyong told you everything. As the conversation went on, he realized he was bleeding his heart out to you. He didn’t know why he was sharing his deepest fear with you, the one he had never told another living soul before. Maybe it was the way you were willing to listen to him and gently ask questions that wouldn’t prick his heart.

He trusted you and that scared him.

You were speechless after he finished talking, feeling guilty for considering that he was a fuckboy. Your heart ached from listening to the trauma he experienced as a little boy. “You must have been through a lot.”

When he looked at you, you lost your breath again. But this time for a different reason.

The tears in his eyes.

“I- I’m so so sorry Taeyong.” You felt extremely guilty for letting your curiosity get the best of you.

He wiped his tears away. “Don’t be. I’ve never opened up to anyone and now that I did... it feels kind of good.”

You felt your heart flip and were grateful to be the one soul that Taeyong confided in. “Can I ask you a question?”

He chuckled softly. “You’ve been doing that all this time.”

“Can we be friends?”

He blinked. “Do you mean friends like the other girls or real?”

“Real friends. Probably like the way I’ll be with the other boys here. A real friendship... like the way I’m with Joy.”

The smile that slowly made its way onto his face was the most beautiful smile that you had ever seen in your life. It made you want to have a one-on-one talk with your heart and stop confusing the hell out of you for it to pound in your chest again.

“I’d love that.”

- ❀ -

The day of your Korean quiz arrived and you were eager to put your Korean learning skills to test. After the class ended in the evening, you got into the passenger seat of Yuta’s car and Ten took a seat in the back.

“How was the quiz, guys?” you asked.

They were able to swiftly catch up from what they missed the first class. Ten went over the word list a few times while Yuta scanned over it once and never looked back at it.

“Easy peasy lemon squeezy,” Yuta said calmly. You laughed at his choice of words.

“Same but I might have made a mistake,” Ten laughed at himself, not worrying too much of the first quiz.

“You would make a mistake if it was in English too.”

“Hyung, you’re so mean!”

“Why would Ten?” you asked Yuta.

“He can speak five languages so his brain is scattered all over the place.”

You were mind blown by the learning ability of the boy sitting behind you. “Seriously Ten?”

“Oh yeah! My mother tongue is Thai, I grew up learning English, then I learned Korean from the boys, then a little Mandarin from my other friends, and I’m learning a little bit of Japanese from Yuta.”

Damn. This guy was impressive. “I’ll be really impressed if you do better on the Korean quiz than me.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Sure. On what?” You were confident that you aced it, so you were positive that you’d win the bet.

“When we all go out to a restaurant and bar, the loser gets drunk.”

You have never gotten drunk before, only ever having one drink and called it a night. The most that you had felt from alcohol was feeling tipsy as you were more on the lightweight side. The idea of getting drunk for the first time with your friends around to keep you safe sounded like a good bet.

That was if you lost.

“Deal.”

Arriving at their house, you walked in to find Taeyong playing a game on the TV. He noticed you and paused the game. “Hey guys,” he greeted with his soft eyes landing on you, melting your heart a little.

“Hey hyung! What are you up to?” Ten asked, throwing himself on the couch beside him.

“Playing for a bit before going out.”

“Ooo~ Who are you seeing?” Ten wiggled his eyebrows.

“Mel.”

“That hot girl? How are you not dating her already?”

Taeyong looked at you with a knowing look and didn’t say anything. As if on cue, a notification chimed making Taeyong pick up his phone. He stood up immediately and began walking to the front door. “I’ll see you guys later.”

“Have fun hyung! Be safe!” Ten teased.

Taeyong rolled his eyes at him and shifted his gaze onto you, sending a genuine smile before turning on his heels.

Your heart fluttered at the smile he sent your way. You liked seeing this side of Taeyong a lot, soft and smiling, unlike his previous cold self. This was the result of your courageous encounter the other day and you were quite proud of yourself to have resolved the matter with him.

“Okay guys! Let’s study Korean!” Ten shouted.

“Say that in Korean, you coward,” Yuta said.

“Hangukmareul kongbuhapsida!” Ten stuck his tongue out at Yuta.

“You didn’t translate ‘Okay guys!’”

Ten searched for something inside his backpack, retrieving a pair of scissors and chased after Yuta.

- ❀ -

The next few weeks, you spent time hanging out with the boys even in Joy’s absence. You would play Mario Kart on the TV with them, smiling proudly at the end for coming first place after one of the rounds. The shocked face on Ten riled him up and promised himself to beat you in the next round.

You had been getting closer to Taeyong, feeling super comfortable around him to the point you’d occasionally hang out in his bedroom. Only hangouts, nothing else of that sort. He was full of surprises and so out of all the boys, you spent the most amount of time with him. His bedroom was super tidy and clean, numerous small plants sat on a multi-tier plant stand, candles of different scents and some colouring supplies on a dresser, a pair of headphones and laptop with a few books and a Febreze spray on the desk, and a series of Polaroid photos hanging off the strings on the wall. The vibe of his room was so serene that you wished you could live there.

How you had gone from staying away from boys to coolly laying beside one on his bed was beyond your brain’s ability to comprehend.

Sometimes Taeyong would cook a meal in the kitchen and the shocking part for you was that he’d take the time to decorate it like 5-star restaurants would.

You took a spoonful of bibimbap into your mouth. “Oh my goodness! This tastes so delicious, Tae!” The flavours bursting inside your mouth had you wiggling a happy dance.

Taeyong laughed his heart out. “I’m glad.” His heart was happily drinking up your animated self, devouring the food he prepared with all his heart. He didn’t realize he was staring at you longer than he should, not realizing that he was growing a deep tender affection for you.

- ❀ -

Your Korean teaching assistant had returned the graded quizzes at the end of class. You noticed two errors in your writing and your heart sank. “Dammit,” you cursed in your head. You were so confident in your Hangul writing that you expected a perfect score.

Ten nudged your elbow. “So Y/N, what did you get?”

“Two mistakes,” you said in a gloomy tone.

His eyes widen in excitement for beating you. “I got one! I won the bet! Yes!” He began throwing punches in the air.

“You didn’t beat me.”

“Shut up hyung! You weren’t even part of the bet.”

As much as you were excited to get drunk for the first time in your life, you were worried. After you told Joy about the bet, she told you a fair number of stories of how people acted when drunk. What if you said or did something wrong? “You all will take care of me right?”

Yuta snorted. “Is that even a question? Of course we will! Why? How is our princess when she’s drunk?” he teasingly asked you.

“Uh... I’ve never gotten drunk.”

They both looked at you as if you had grown a third head.

“No way!” Ten couldn’t believe you. “How can you not have by now? It’s something everyone would have done in high school or freshman year. Even Mark has.”

You shrugged. “I just never went out of my way to drink like that.”

Yuta looked genuinely concern. “Are you okay getting drunk? This is something no one should pressure you into as well.”

You nodded. “Yeah I am. I’m curious to know how it’s like to get drunk, and if it’s with you guys, I feel better.”

“Exactly hyung! Otherwise she shouldn’t have agreed to the bet. And wait, what do you mean as well?”

You knew Yuta was referring to your v-card but Ten not knowing had you confused. “You don’t know?”

“Know what?”

“I’m a virgin.”

“YOU’RE WHAT?” Talk about getting two shocking facts in a row.

“I thought Yuta would have told you.”

Yuta made a gesture of him zipping his lips. “I don’t go around spreading news about someone’s privacy. I’m a gentleman. Unlike someone.” He hinted at Ten.

“Hyung!”

“Now that Ten knows, everyone’s gonna know. Sorry Y/N.”

Ten crossed his arms. He knew it was true. It was hard to keep secrets in his stomach. “I’m not gonna go around campus and announce it.”

“I know. Even if it’s just inside the house, you’re still spreading it.”

After the talk with Yuta at the party, you weren’t feeling embarrassed like you used to. As long as it stayed within your friends. “It’s okay. Shouldn’t friends know anyway?”

- ❀ -

The news did spread, and thankfully only within the walls of their house. Johnny had seen it coming, Mark was baffled and didn’t know what to do with the information, and Taeyong was shocked.

You were laying on your stomach on Taeyong’s bed, reading through your notes for a course. Taeyong was sitting by his desk working on his laptop. Your mind kept going back to the virginity conversations. You’d be lying if your desires and curiosity weren’t growing inside you. Hanging out with handsome boys had made you feel things in your body that you had never experienced in your previously dull life.

Hesitancy was getting the best of you to ask something from Taeyong. You didn’t want to make your friend feel awkward with your inquiry. But you didn’t want to ask him after having some alcohol in order to have more courage. You wanted to be sober and fully alert.

“Tae?” you called to him quietly.

He stopped typing and turned to you. Seeing your worried facial expression, he grew concerned. “What’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”

You grew restless and you shifted your body weight to sit upright. With a deep breath, you said something that you never thought you’d say in your life.

“I want to have sex.”

You caught him off guard so hard that he began choking on air. After recovering from the initial shock, he gathered his thoughts and quietly asked, “With who?”

You bit your lip and shrugged. To be honest, you didn’t have anyone in mind, but you wanted to make sure it was someone you could rely on and be gentle with you. “I wanted to ask you if you know any guy who’d be interested in my first time. Someone who’s not going to be rough and won’t make me feel uncomfortable. Do you know anyone?”

Taeyong could hear his heart cry for how innocent you looked asking him. He didn’t want to say any other guy’s name other than himself. He could tell by your face that it terrified you to end up in the wrong bed, and he knew he would take things easy to make you feel intimate and comfortable. “I do know someone.”

Smiling excitedly, you asked who.

A brief silence from Taeyong before he confidently answered. “Me.”

Your face fell. Of course, you’d be over the moon to have the benefits with your friend, but you weren’t sure if it was the best idea. A warning bell rang in your brain to not go for it, but your heart wanted to. Taeyong was fast becoming a dear friend like Joy, and the thought of Joy had you remembering her words.

Anything more than friends.

This was still within the friendship boundary, so you didn’t think it was going to be an issue.

He observed your fallen expression and began panicking. “I mean you don’t have to with me. I can say someone else’s name. I’m not trying to take advantage of-”

“Tae!”

He stopped rambling. He feared his friendship with you was going to become awkward and regretted suggesting himself to you. “I’m sorry,” he muttered, his head hanging low.

You on the other hand were slowly killing off the warning in your head and went to jump onto your heart’s desire. “No Tae. I’d like that.”

His head shot up to see if his ears heard you right. You smiled warmly, getting excited for your first time with a boy that you had been growing fond of.

As a friend.

“Are you sure?” Taeyong searched your face for any signs of discomfort and failed.

You nodded. “If it’s with you, I don’t think I’ll regret it.”

A fond smile grew on his face. “You won’t.”

After staring into each other’s eyes for a while, you had enough with the wait. “Can we right now?”

Taeyong chuckled at your eagerness. He got up from his chair and sat closer to you on the bed. He held your face in his gentle hands, admiring your innocence up close before placing his lips on yours.

- ❀ -

Ever since then, you and Taeyong had been spending even more time together. Whether it’d be in his bedroom, meeting up at random spots on campus, going out to different places for food and entertainment, and even going over to your apartment.

You’d both stay up and watch movies with Taeyong being a sucker for romance. You weren’t that being of a romance fan but only agreed to watch his reactions throughout the movie. He’d have a huge smile plastered on his face whenever the lead couple would have cute interactions, and tears rolled down whenever a heartbreaking scene occurred. He would seek comfort by clinging onto your arm and laying his head on your shoulder. Your heart did a flip every time he snuggled up to you. Sometimes he’d stay over for the night and when Joy noticed how intimate Taeyong had gotten with you, she thought it was time for her to do something.

The more and more Taeyong spent his time with you, the less and less he went out with his other female friends. He loved every second with you, craving to only be with you. Your friendship with him was at a level where he took every opportunity he could find to pat your head, hold your hand, give you kisses on the cheek, lay his head on your lap, and pull you into hugs when saying your hellos and goodbyes. You viewed all this in a friendly manner of course, for Taeyong to express his emotionally sensitive side to you, the love he had for you as a close friend. It was a total contrast to your first impression of him and you loved it.

After midterms were over, Taeyong suggested for the two of you to hang out at a café he discovered recently. You walked in, your jaw dropping in awe of the beauty that laid in front of you. The café was decorated from head to toe with various types of flowers. Every wall either had paintings or hanging flowers while baskets or vases of specific varieties sat on every table. Alongside the coffee and baked goods menu, there was a menu for all the types of flowers for purchase, whether as single flowers or bouquets.

Taeyong had brought you to a flower café and you loved it.

“Wow...” you whispered.

You shook out of your daze once you felt a gentle hand on your back, guiding you towards the counter.

After receiving your order for an iced americano and Taeyong for a strawberry cold drink, you both sat down by a table of magenta lilacs neatly organized in a white basket.

You took a sip of your bitter drink while adoring the flower basket. “They’re beautiful,” you said quietly to not disturb their beauty.

Taeyong agreed silently. Not as beautiful as you, he thought. You were always ready to give emotional support to your friends and offer your shoulder for someone to lean or cry on. But never once did you talk about yourself. He wanted to get to know you, not just on the surface but on the inside as well. “Tell me about yourself.”

You directed your eyes at the boy across you and laughed. “What is this? An interview?”  

He shook his head being serious. “I only know your present.”

“And that’s all you need to know.” You didn’t like where Taeyong was going with his words.

He sighed loudly and leaned forward to take your free hand gently, drawing circles with his thumb on the back of your hand. “I care about you, Y/N.”

He didn’t just care about you. He was falling for you. But he wasn’t going to confess his love for you just yet. His trauma from adolescence years still haunted him whenever he thought about commitments.

You leaned back slightly irritated. “I know but I- I... I don’t want to talk about it,” you muttered.

You wanted to forget about your past, have the memories buried so deeply inside your brain that it’d be hard to ever retrieve them. It was why you never shared it with Joy. What was done was done, and it was only better to focus on the present. You tried to live your present without using the past as a reason. But it was exactly what you did to avoid boys.

He smiled softly in understanding. He knew better as he had done the same before you came in his life. “Okay but remember I’m always here for you.”

- ❀ -

The night finally arrived when your squad went to a restaurant and bar. This meant that you were about to fulfill the bet that you had lost to Ten. Joy had you snack a little in advance to prevent you from unfavourable effects of drinking that night.  

“I can’t believe I’m going to see my cute innocent Y/N get drunk for the first time tonight!” Joy gushed, squealing and clapping her hands in excitement.

“Ten, good job for winning that bet. Though it’s a shame that I can’t see you dance on the table,” Johnny said.

Ten scoffed. “Please, I’m always ready to dance. You just have to dare me.”

“But hyung drunk and dancing is like on a whole nother level,” Mark commented.

A devilish smirk formed on Ten’s face. “Should I get drunk too?”

“Not tonight. The spotlight is supposed to be on Y/N. Plus we don’t want Ten to start stripping his clothes off in front of the ladies,” Yuta said.

Joy took a sharp intake of breath. “I want to see that.”

While the rest were debating whether or not Ten should get drunk along with you, you were beginning to feel anxious. Your legs shook under the table as stories of drunken people that Joy shared with you started haunting you. You hoped you wouldn’t do something that would make you regret it later.

Taeyong noticed your jittery disposition beside him and placed a hand on your thigh, calming you down a bit. You looked up to meet his concerned eyes. “Are you okay?”

You really were okay, especially being around friends who cared for you. You trusted them to keep you safe. “I am.” You genuinely flashed a smile, lessening his worry.

The drinks arrived for everyone, your friends going for cocktails while shots of liquor were prepared for you. Taeyong chose to not drink, volunteering to be the designated driver and making sure you were safe.

“Okay girl! It’s showtime!” Joy cheered and the rest of your friends shouted with encouragements.

After a deep breath in and out, you downed the first shot. You closed your eyes as you felt your throat burn immediately, all the anxiety leaving your body.

“Holy shit! Her neck is turning red,” Ten commented clearly amused.

After downing a few more shots consecutively, you stopped for a moment when your head was beginning to spin a little out of control, almost making you fall off your seat.

Taeyong noticed it and thought that you had enough drinks. He brought his hand closer to the remaining shots and began sliding it further from you until you stopped his hand and grabbed another shot, bottoms up.

“Y/N I think-”

“No!” You cut him off by shouting loudly. He was taken aback by your outburst, and you took this opportunity to down another shot. This time, you stood up from your seat and slammed your hands on the table. “I’ll do what I want!”

The others grew concerned, fearing that you’d drink more than your body could handle. Only Ten was having a blast watching your wasted self.

Joy decided to interfere. “Y/N, that’s enough drinks-”

Everyone was alarmed to see tears rolling down your face. You stumbled a bit backwards before regaining your stance. A few of your friends stood up on instincts to help you out, but you yelled at them. “Sit back down!”

They instantly sat back down and threw worried glances at one another, silently trying to figure out what would be the best course of action. “Y/N, are you okay?” Johnny asked you as gentle as possible, not wanting to stir you up even more.

“No!” you exclaimed before lowering your voice to a soft murmur. “No...”

Mark spoke up. “What’s wrong, noona?”

“My heart.” Thanks to the liquor, you weren’t going to stop yourself. “Why...”

“Why what, noona?”

“Why can’t I...” You grew silent again, focusing on the feeling of the alcohol running in your blood.

“What is it, Y/N?” Joy asked in a soft voice.

“Why can’t I trust my heart to fall in love?”

Taeyong and Joy took the biggest blow from your words. All this time, Joy thought you weren’t simply interested in relationships. She never knew there was a trust issue involved. Meanwhile, Taeyong felt his heart crack badly. He already had his own personal trauma to overcome for his love, and you having one as well was like trying to break through a double layered brick wall before a happy ending was possible.

You had enough with the enclosed environment and wanted to get some fresh air in your lungs. You kicked your chair back for more room, walking in a not so straight line. Your friends were about to get up again until you yelled, “No one follow me!”

They were all tensed, watching you carefully from their seats and not lose sight of you. When you left the restaurant, Joy stood up with plans to follow you. But Taeyong had beaten her and sprinted out the building, leaving Joy stunned.

Outside, Taeyong caught up to you and pulled your arm, halting your steps. He was shocked to see your crying face.

“Y/N.”

“Tae, I’m scared to fall in love.” You fell to the ground and sobbed your heart out in front of your friend.

His heart shattered into a million pieces. As much as he was dying to know what happened for you to say such a thing, he had to push his curiosity away and comfort you. He bent down to his knees and pulled you into his arms. You fully leaned into his embrace and sobbed. He held you tightly, patting your head gently and kissing the top of your head, hoping to calm you down.

“I’m scared. What if he turns out bad?”

“Shh... I’m here,” he shushed, stopping the bad thoughts from forming in your head.

“I want to fall in love... I want someone to love me,” you cried.

Taeyong hesitated. You were drunk, most likely to forget the events of the night. He wanted to confess. In any other situation, both his and your troubled pasts would have made him bit his tongue back.

But at that moment, he wished with all his heart that you would forget his words once sober.

“I’m in love with you, Y/N.”

The words were clear enough for you clinging onto him for dear life, and Joy who stood at a distance behind him.

- ❀ -

You woke up in your bed with a pounding headache. Getting out of bed really slow, you shuffled your feet in the direction of the kitchen, finding Joy by the cooktop.

“Morning!” she chirped. “Have this,” she pointed at the glass filled with cool water on the counter.

“Mmm, that smells so good,” you moaned, its delicious scent hitting your nose.

Joy smiled. “Of course it would. I’m a better cook than you,” she teased.

You didn’t have the energy to retort back and instead asked her something more important.

“What happened last night?”

Joy paused. Considering the amount of alcohol you consumed, it was no shocker that you wouldn’t remember anything. She secretly wished that you’d forget the happenings of the previous night for two things.

One: because of what you said. She wasn’t mad. She could never be with you because you were too precious for her. She thought back to when she asked you why you weren’t willing to invest yourself in boys. She trusted you that you were saying the truth when you simply weren’t into relationships. People had different outlooks on life. But there was a really small chance that made Joy think you were putting up a tough act to suppress your emotions. And she was right when the alcohol had let you speak your heart that you never did when sober.

And two: Taeyong. Joy didn’t trust him when he confessed his love for you. She didn’t know whether he ‘loved’ you like the other girls or it was a love that ran much deeper. After hearing your drunken words, if you had remembered Taeyong’s words, then you were going to feel troubled.

“Shit, did I do something bad?” you asked worriedly.

“No no. You were interesting, bossing over us,” she giggled. It was quite a contrast to see her usually quiet friend being all loud and demanding when drunk.

“Huh?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Joy laughed at your puzzled expression.

“Okay,” you chose to believe her. “But did anything else happen?” Something was eating inside you, trying to tell you that there was more to the night than what she was implying.

She shook her head, forcing a genuine smile on her face to the best of her ability. “Nothing else happened.” She felt guilty lying to you for the first time, but it was only for your best interest.

You didn’t have another choice but to accept her words. You pushed the unpleasant feeling aside and drank the prepared glass of water.

- ❀ -

When Taeyong hung out with you next time, he didn’t notice any changed behaviour from you. He formed his speculation that you did not have a recollection of your intoxicated night. He felt relieved to have the friendship not change, but it also pained him to carry his unrequited love silently.

It was a month before the exam period and you both waited in your bedroom for the exam schedule to come out any minute on your devices. You only had two finals while Taeyong had three. When the schedule appeared, you searched for your courses and went into brief shock, stunned by the great news that you had your fingers crossed for.

“Tae! Both of mine are on the first day!” You began dancing around the room full of joy.

He laughed at your happy form and searched for his courses on the list. “Awe man, mine are all near the end.”

You paused to take in his words. “Oh. So you won’t be able to come with me.”

“Come where?”

“To South Korea.”

He felt his blood run cold. “Why South Korea?”

You smiled, lost in your thoughts on the dream that was close to becoming a reality. “I wanted to go on a trip there during this winter break if I got at least three weeks of free time. I didn’t think it was actually gonna happen but now that it is, I’m so excited,” you squealed, so over the moon that you were oblivious to Taeyong’s fallen face.

“You’ll be gone for three weeks?”

You thought for a moment. “Actually, the winter term doesn’t start till the second week of January, so I’ll go for a whole month. Wow, I didn’t think this was ever gonna happen. Isn’t this so exciting Tae?” You were jumping on the spot with all sorts of ideas rushing in your mind of what you’d plan to do there. You had already made a list of things to do but with the additional time granted, you were going to perform more research and travel to other regions in the country. Travelling to South Korea in the winter was just one of the experiences you wanted before going there for the warmer season. You wanted to witness the beautiful snow covering the outskirts of the regions, see the Christmas decorations and lighting festivals, and enjoy the warm meals and beverages to battle the cold. You knew the adrenaline rush that you were feeling for your adventure wasn’t going to let you sleep that night. Or in fact many nights until the big day.

Taeyong should have been happy for you, but he felt his heart break with only one thought on continuous loop in his mind.

A month. Without you.

- ❀ -

Joy was so happy to hear your good news, knowing how much you were looking forward to this trip. But neither her nor your friends would be able to join you because of their exam schedules. This meant that it was going to be your first ever solo adventure, which made you feel both nervous and excited for.

The closer the exam period got, the more restless Taeyong’s heart became. He was so used to seeing you almost every day that it was cruel to have you ripped out of his life for a month.

You spent every day updating your trip plans to make sure you had enough free days to relax in between your full agenda. Yes, you had your finals to study for and you made sure to get your review sessions in before you treated yourself to planning.

When the day arrived for you to complete your two finals back to back, you thought you were going to die. But your papers went a lot smoother than you predicted and that added onto your happiness for the big day in less than 48 hours.

Your flight to South Korea.

- ❀ -

Your squad came to drop you off at the airport and wished you well on your big trip.

“Wow Y/N, travelling on your own requires some serious guts. I hope you have a blast,” Johnny said.

“Yeah and keep in touch whenever you get a chance,” Ten added.

“I will,” you promised with a smile.

Mark checked his watch. “It’s almost time for your flight, noona.”

You nodded. Grabbing the handle of your luggage, you were caught off guard from Yuta attacking you with a gentle hug. “Good luck princess. If you need help with anything, I know Seoul better than these boys do.”

Ten rolled his eyes. “As much as I hate to admit it, he’s right.”

“I’m always right. Even about Mark farting.”

“HYUNG!”

You giggled, “Okay.”

After Yuta let you go, Joy jumped in to give you a crushing hug. “Have lots of fun, girl. Video call me no matter what the time is, okay?”

“Okay.”

You haven’t heard the voice of one boy yet. He was silently watching you from afar as you said your goodbye to everyone. You let go of your suitcase and walked over to Taeyong. His eyes were trained on you, slightly red and puffy. You guessed his state was due to sleep deprivation for exam preparations.

You didn’t know he cried all night, not ready to face a month without you.

You encircled your arms around his neck and brought him closer to your body, resting your chin on his shoulder. “Make sure to sleep well. I’ll call you too. Eat well too. I know you’re neglecting your health right now.” You could tell he lost some weight, feeling his boney structure. Nonetheless, he still radiated the warmth you treasured from him.

Taeyong couldn’t think about eating properly or sleeping well. He was even struggling to prepare for his finals. All he wanted was to see you, touch you, be with you.

His eyes were beginning to sting and at last raised his arms to rest around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest. He was doing his very best to stop the tears from flowing down his face. This was supposed to be a very happy moment for you and he didn’t want you worrying about him.

“As much as I’d hate to split you up, Y/N is going to miss her flight if we hold her back any longer.”

Upon hearing Joy’s voice, you pulled away from him. Just as you turned away from him, you felt his hand desperately grasp yours. You turned to look back at him. “I hope you’ll be happy,” he spoke ever so softly, his words different from the plea held in his eyes.

You slid your hand out of his grasp and turned your back to him. Grabbing the handle of your suitcase, you walked in the direction of your flight’s terminal, daring yourself to not look back with the tug you felt at your heartstrings.

- ❀ -

On the road that shines exceptionally

Standing there, I am waiting for you

It’s not cold

When you are in my arms, I can feel the warmth

 It had been four days. Four long days since you left. Your friends understood the first couple were spent on the flight and at the airports. But Taeyong hoped for you to have at least messaged him when you’d reach your accommodation or when having your first meal. His mind was on overdrive, thinking of all the scary possibilities that could have happened to you.

Joy was worried too but she understood that you were trying to adjust to the new environment without stressing out about too many things. The apartment felt lonely without you and she decided to spend most of her days and nights at the boys’ house, developing feelings along the way for the first tall man she met at the party.

 You’re my everything

I want to protect your days and nights

You are a miracle to me, I wish you could see it

Spreading all over me, a gift called you

You’re my night and day

Waiting for you in this street, drawing you again

 Another two days had passed not hearing from you. With a heavy heart, Taeyong dragged his feet to the flower café that had recently become your favourite place to relax and bloom again. Your love for flowers grew every time you stepped into the café and your sparkling eyes always made his heart flutter.

Arriving at the counter, Taeyong forced himself to order a slice of cake and a drink after thinking back at your words.

Eat well too. I know you’re neglecting your health right now.

After picking up his meal, he scanned his eyes around the interior. The table with the basket of magenta lilacs was unoccupied and he made a beeline to it. He reminisced the day he brought you to the café for the first time.

They’re beautiful. Your voice echoed in his head, referring to the lilacs.

He stared long at the clustered petals, lost in his thoughts. He had always sought for tender affection from other girls, without getting too committed to them.

You were a miracle in his life. He didn’t see you like the other girls where he only received. He wanted to give you everything. His love, attention, warmth, touch, happiness. If he could give you his happiness in replacement to taking your sadness, he’d do it. He’d do anything to make you happy.

The more he stared at the magenta lilacs, the more it became clearer. He wanted to jump on his trauma and get even closer to you.

By means of a relationship.

And at that moment, he had one person to talk to.

 An unusually long day

But it’s not too bad because you’re warm

Just like that, with nothing to do

I can live just like that

 Joy finally received your video call a whole week after you left. You apologized and explained that there was a baggage delay, complicating your trip temporarily without all your belongings at hand. You were so stressed of the unexpected situation that it slipped out of your mind to keep in touch with your friends. Instead, you tried to focus on surviving those days with limited essentials in your handbag and things that you purchased from the convenience store.

Taeyong heard the news from Joy during lunch with her at a diner. He was relieved that nothing terrible happened to you apart from the baggage delay. Though it did hurt him that you couldn’t think to contact him as well.

But you going through a tough time when it was supposed to be a happy trip is more painful, he thought.

“I don’t think you wanted lunch with me just to hear about Y/N.” Joy narrowed her eyes on Taeyong.

He knew Joy didn’t trust him. When he confessed his love for you, Joy had butted in, separating your sobbing mess from him. She warned him to never utter those words unless he wanted to trouble you. Taeyong understood and had assured her that it was only because you were drunk and he wanted to comfort you by speaking the truth. Ever since then, they both wished that you’d never regained memory of that night.

He took a deep breath in, composing himself for the intention of the meeting. “I don’t want Y/N to be unhappy.”

Joy sighed. “Are you emotionally blackmailing me?”

He shook his head, feeling a thorn prick at his heart. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy getting Joy’s permission. “No I’m not.”

“What makes you think I can trust you and not have you hurt her?”

Silence.

Saying that he loved you wasn’t a satisfying reason for Joy. She needed Taeyong to prove it to her that he wasn’t going to hurt you. After a long debate in his head, he decided to tell her the truth. “I run away at the thought of commitments in the name of love. Because of my parents’ divorce.”

The news threw Joy off. Then why are you after my Y/N, she thought.

“Y/N knows everything and asked to be friends with me for real and not like with the other girls. We spent a lot of hanging out, both outside and inside the house. We’d hang out in the living room, the kitchen when I’d cook for us, in my bedroom. We spent so much time together that I didn’t know I started falling for her,” he admitted.

Taeyong was met with her silence as she collected her thoughts, making one thing stand out to her. “Did you have sex with her?”

His eyes enlarged from the unexpected inquiry. “Yes.”

Joy raised an eyebrow, questioning if his feelings really were real for you. “The confession happened after you two had sex?”

“Ye-” He realized his mistake without thinking beforehand and began panicking. “No! It’s not what you think. Please!”

She laughed bitterly at him. “You had sex with her and you claim that you’re in love because it was probably the best sex of your life. Your past is sad Taeyong. You have problems and I feel bad for you. I really do. But don’t drag Y/N into your mess.” Joy was ready to leave and be done with the conversation until she heard his next words.

“You’re wrong. It’s not because of sex.”

She chuckled darkly. “Oh really? Please enlighten me,” she said, flashing a fake smile at him and crossed her arms.

He gulped. He was close to drawing the last straw that would make Joy turn her back on him and never give him another chance. “The sex did bring us even closer together. We became more intimate with each other. But even then I was still scared to confess to her because my fear was still there.”

Joy wanted to believe Taeyong. Without forming much biased thoughts, she continued listening.

“After Y/N left for her trip, I lost all appetite to eat. I can’t sleep at night with my heart longing for her. I’m trying to focus on my final preps but I can’t stop thinking about her. I even stopped talking to other girls because I only love her. I got myself to eat only after reminding myself that Y/N wanted me to eat well. And that was especially at the café Y/N loved to go.”

It was at this moment when Joy started to believe his feelings for you.

“What if... what if I tried to get myself to cope with my trauma so that I can be in a relationship with her instead of forever living my life in fear? I know that Y/N has a trust issue that I don’t know about. But what if I can help her get over her fear too? What if my efforts to bring us together officially can make her finally... happy?”

No noise was heard from Joy. Her brain was raking through all the mentioned possibilities. If Taeyong could break through the walls of your heart, the fruitful outcome would be an epitome of love.

“Okay Taeyong. You have my support, but I won’t forgive you if you hurt her.”

 It seemed to be nevеr-ending

At the end of thе long wait

You’re the one

 One month had passed, meaning it was time for your friends to pick you up at the airport’s arrival department. Taeyong could feel his heart beating erratically when it was time for the passengers from your flight to collect their baggages and exit. When his eyes found you, he didn’t prepare his heart for an unexpected shock.

You walked out, searching for your friends with your suitcase at hand. You spotted them, waving eagerly, and walked over to them. But you weren’t alone. Beside you was a young handsome man that almost made Joy swoon if it wasn’t for her feelings for another man. More than the boy having breathtaking looks, she was shocked to see you interact with him.

“Woah... is that guy...” Mark trailed off, unbelieving his sight.

You, a girl who had never befriended a guy on your own, were talking to one in close proximity.

“Wow, he’s so hot.” Ten practically had heart eyes.

“He is,” Johnny agreed.

Yuta loved to brag about his handsome looks but he was stunned by the stranger beside you. “Yeah, and Y/N that close to him means there’s something going on between them.”

Taeyong didn’t want to agree with the others but they were right. The stranger was very handsome, and there could be something going on. That latter thought made his heart break. After what felt like a never-ending wait for you to come back, he was excited to take things slow with you and win your trust for a relationship. However, all his plans had jumped out the window and he felt his eyes sting.

Especially when you linked your arm with the fair-skinned boy.

“Welcome back girl!” Joy attacked you for a bear hug when you neared them.

You laughed hugging her back. You greeted everyone, leaving the boy you had been dying to see again for last. You faced Taeyong and hugged him like you did before your departure. “Hi Tae. I hope you’re doing well,” you whispered in his ear, rubbing his back in a soothing manner.

He closed his eyes in efforts to keep his tears at bay and returned the hug, muttering a soft hello.

You pulled back, smiling at him before grabbing the arm of your new friend for introduction. “Guys, this is Jaehyun. I met him during the trip and he’s here for the study abroad program at our university this term.”

You introduced Jaehyun to everyone one by one. When Jaehyun was officially introduced to Taeyong, he noticed Taeyong fidget with his fingers tensely and a small smirk formed on Jaehyun’s face.

“We can drop you off Jaehyun. Where are you living?” Johnny asked.

Jaehyun hadn’t found an off-campus accommodation yet, thanks to the fact that it was the middle of the middle of the school year. He didn’t want to be stuck in the dorms on campus and his initial plan was to stay at a hotel as he had the money for that.

But why hotel when he could live with you?

“I was gonna ask Joy if it’s okay for Jaehyun to stay at our place until he finds one. I’ll give my room to him and sleep with you,” you suggested to her.

“Oh yeah that’s great with me! I get to cuddle with my Y/N,” Joy giggled.

Taeyong didn’t like the idea one bit. “Why should a guy live with the girls?”

Johnny agreed with him. “You’re right. Jaehyun live with us. And I mean for the term.”

A pang at Taeyong’s heart. He was not looking forward to seeing Jaehyun’s face every day. But it’s better than him being close to Y/N, he thought.

“But hyung, we don’t have a spare room,” Mark said.

“You’re shifting to Yuta’s room. He has a bigger bed.”

“Wow great idea! Mark can be my cuddle buddy!”

Mark groaned at the thought of Yuta clinging to him all night.

- ❀ -

“You what?” Joy couldn’t believe what she was hearing from you.

“I remember that night.”

The boys dropped you and Joy off at your apartment before heading for their house. You dragged Joy to the couch and told her the news.

You weren’t mad at Joy. In fact you were thankful. If you had known before your trip, you would have felt awkward to see Taeyong and avoided him, which would have made you sad. You loved and always looked forward to spending time with him. And so after remembering the words you blurted out that night, you understood Joy jumped in to protect you from getting hurt.

You felt blessed to have a friend like Joy.

“Thank you Joy,” you smiled genuinely at her.

She was relieved that you weren’t mad at her. “When did you remember?”

“Right before I met Jaehyun. And he knows.”

“He knows?”

“I told him about Taeyong.”

During your trip, you couldn’t stop thinking about Taeyong, especially after your regained memory. You were so confused as to whether you should be happy or not that you decided to not contact him altogether. Though the more you ignored him, the more the tightness in your chest grew. Jaehyun noticed your behaviour and asked you what was wrong. For some reason, you trusted Jaehyun in your secrets and told him everything about you and Taeyong.

She lifted her hand to stop you from talking further. “Okay hold up. How are you so chill around Jaehyun?”

Yes, that was a question that you had asked yourself when you had acquainted him upon first meeting. “He helped me get through my tough time there and it was just a coincidence that he was going to be coming here for the term. I guess thanks to you, I was more comfortable becoming friends with him. Plus, brownie points for being handsome,” you joked.

Joy felt her heart blossom for her close friend to finally interact with a boy without her help this time. “Wow Y/N, I never thought I’d see this day come.”

“Me neither.”

A question lingered inside her. “What now with Taeyong? Are you going to feel awkward with him?” Joy wasn’t necessarily worried for Taeyong because her priority was you.

The trip bought you time to think about what you were going to do with his confession floating around your heart. Over the course of your trip, your heart slowly accepted your feelings for him. It was all thanks to your time apart from him to realize how much you missed him and loved him. You craved for Taeyong’s warmth, both physically and emotionally, and that was enough for you to stop running away from your true feelings and give Taeyong a chance. You still remembered Taeyong’s trauma and you guessed it was the reason why he only confessed to you when drunk, so that you would forget about it and move on like nothing happened.

“No I won’t be awkward with him. I love him too Joy.”

She gaped at you. “Seriously? Like in love with him?”

You nodded. “Yes, I’m in love with him.”

Her eyes became wet with tears almost spilling out. This was the best news she had heard from you till this date. You... in love. “Y/N do you have any idea how that makes me feel? After all this time I’ve been worried about you. After that night you got drunk... and I just... it hurt that you were...”

You laughed quietly. “You’re literally the bestest friend I’ve ever had. Seriously Joy, if I had said this to someone else, they would be so happy. And then there’s you, crying,” you teased.

She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. “Well as much as I missed you, something good happened while you were gone.”

She told you of her talk with Taeyong, telling you how much of an effect your absence had on him. Your heart bloomed when you heard that he missed you a lot and had listened to you to eat his meals, even going to your favourite café because he missed you so much.

“Then it’s final. Once I find the right time, I’m going to ask him out.”

- ❀ -

“Why can’t Ten move to your room? Your bed is bigger too!”

“Joy stays over in my room sometimes. I’m not having a threesome with Ten,” Johnny stated with a serious face.

Mark scowled, not liking the idea of Yuta clinging to him and kissing his cheeks at every opportunity he could find.

“Hurry off now. Don’t leave our new housemate waiting in the living room all day. Go clean up and shift to Yuta’s room.”

With a grumble, he stomped his way to fulfill his older brother’s command.

Well at least there was one other person in the house who didn’t like the idea of Jaehyun living there.

While waiting for Mark to empty his room out, the rest of the boys sat on the couches to get to know their new housemate with Taeyong sitting the furthest away.

“So Jaehyun, do you get girls falling for your looks?” Ten excitedly asked, finally getting the chance to ask him that.

Why was that the first thing he got asked out of everything? But it really was a big question. “Yes, and not just girls but guys too. Too many to count.” Back in high school, he’d receive gifts on his desk in the form of food from his secret admirers, usually his favourite bread and milk. He would also have the exterior of his locker be taped with numerous heart shaped notes.

“Wow...” Yuta breathed out. “It kind of sounds like Taeyong but with his girl friends.”

Taeyong didn’t want the wrong impression from the boys and so he revealed the news. “I cut ties with them.”

The air stilled in the living room, with Johnny being the first one to cut it. “What do you mean cut ties?”

“I don’t talk to them anymore.”

“All of them?”

“Yes.”

Ever since he realized his feelings for you, he deleted all the numbers of the girls in his contacts. He lost interest with all of them when he only craved for your tender affection. For your love. He didn’t know what was up between you and Jaehyun, and while that made him jealous, he wasn’t going to go back to his old ‘friends’ because of that.

“Woah... but why?” Yuta asked.

Taeyong eyed Jaehyun, shooting him a glare. He wasn’t going to say your name out loud in front of him. What if Jaehyun’s plan wasn’t only to study there? What if he had something up his sleeve? What if he was going to win your heart?

Jaehyun noticed Taeyong’s hard gaze on him and smirked.

To answer his friend’s question, Taeyong merely said, “Because of someone.”

- ❀ -

The winter term began and much to your delight, you had a class with Jaehyun. You both would have an hour to spare before that class and so you became his personal tour guide as you showed him around your campus, pointing at the different buildings and mentioning the services he could find there. Along the way, you noticed a few students stop in their tracks to look in Jaehyun’s way, their jaws dropping.

When the two of you walked into your almost full class, numerous eyes widened in shock, more jaws dropped, and hushed whispers were heard when laying their eyes on the boy beside you. Some of them had looks of jealously on their faces for you having the privilege to stand beside such a divine being. If your eyes weren’t playing a trick on you, you thought you saw a girl’s head spin almost as if she was going to faint from the unbelievable beauty of the young man. Talk about having a face of a first love.

When you first met Jaehyun, yes you did think he was very handsome. But that was all. No big reactions like your classmates in front of you had.

Why didn’t you crumble like the others?

Because of Taeyong.

Taeyong on the other hand grew restless with the amount of time you spent with Jaehyun. The influx of messages on his phone from unsaved numbers were mostly talks of the newest heartthrob on campus. He knew they were from the girls he had stopped talking to, and he couldn’t care less of the ones texting him that they missed him.

His main concern was if you were going to fall in love with Jaehyun.

The night of the term’s first grand party arrived and your whole squad, now including Jaehyun, attended. A permanent scowl was fixed on Taeyong the entire time as he witnessed Jaehyun being super close to you. A few of his old friends came up to him, asking how he was doing and if he wanted anything, but he simply ignored them. Taeyong glanced at the rest of the crowd around Jaehyun and he had to admit that the messages on his phone were true. Having enough of the stabbing pain in his chest, he downed the alcohol in his hand.

The next night of the weekend meant another party. The boys were getting themselves ready to leave the house once you’d arrive. Joy had to go back to her hometown for a personal matter and you insisted to meet them at their house instead of them coming to pick you up.

Because you had a different plan for that night.

“Noona! Are you ready for tonight?” Mark greeted you when you arrived at the house. Taeyong was sitting on the couch, silently watching you.

“Umm, well I’m not going to the party.”

“What? Why wouldn’t you come princess?” Yuta asked.

Jaehyun answered on your behalf. “She’s going to show me around uptown. I want to see other things than just parties.”

Johnny nodded. “Yes there are other things to see here. Should we come along with you guys?”

Taeyong’s heart inflated, hoping you’d say yes.

“No, we’ll be fine.”

His heart deflated.

Yuta whistled. “Wow sounds like a date to me,” he smirked.

His heart stung.

You laughed. “No, we’re just hanging out,” you clarified.

Hearing that somewhat eased Taeyong’s heart but it wasn’t enough to calm it down. “I’m coming,” he announced.

Everyone turned their heads at Taeyong. His friends were surprised. Jaehyun wasn’t afraid to let a smirk spill onto his face, and you were trying your hardest to hold back your amused smile.

This was what you were hoping.

You knew you hung out with Jaehyun a lot and if Taeyong really was in love with you, he would have been extremely jealous. You weren’t intentionally avoiding Taeyong. With your new friend who was new around here, you wanted to help Jaehyun out as much as you could to make his temporary stay as smooth as possible and that resulted in you not spending time with Taeyong. The Taeyong you craved to have quality time with.

And you were going to make it up to him soon.

The three of you walked over to Taeyong’s car, with Taeyong running off to open the passenger door for you. He wanted you to sit beside him while he drove. You giggled at his puppy look, his desperate attempt to win your heart a little. He didn’t know he had your entire heart.

Right before you got inside the car, you gave Taeyong a quick peck on the cheek, causing a blush to spread over his cheeks under the moonlight. It had been a while since you two shared some intimate moments. And though it was merely a peck, fire had ignited throughout Taeyong’s soul.

Jaehyun silently witnessed the short intimacy between you and Taeyong and hopped into the back seat with dimples on his face.

The streetlights and shops in uptown were decked with winter decorations. It was a shame you missed the Christmas decorations as you loved seeing the streets be ornamented for the holy season. But then Christmas in South Korea was a thrilling experience and you were glad to have experienced it with Jaehyun as your guide.

The three of you walked along the illuminated road. Many of the shops were lit up from the inside indicating that they were open for business. The flower café sat a few shops down from where you three stood.

“Should we go to the flower café first?” you suggested. The chilly winter night had your body craving for a hot caramel drink.

Taeyong was in a bind. He didn’t want to say no to your suggestion, knowing how much you loved to go there. But he didn’t want Jaehyun to learn about it. It was supposed to be your and his sanctuary.

“That sounds cool,” Jaehyun said.

“It is! I love that place so much! Let’s go Tae!” you clung onto Taeyong’s arm to get a vocal approval from him.

Taeyong’s heart somersaulted at your touch and pleading eyes. He accepted his defeat and nodded, letting you drag him to the establishment.

“Okay guys, this is my treat,” you said taking your card out.

Taeyong stopped your hand. “No I’ll pay.”

“No Tae, I suggested this place.”

“I’m not letting you pay on my watch.”

In the midst of you and Taeyong arguing who should pay, Jaehyun slid a $20 bill to the cashier, giving them a look that he was paying for the collective order. “I’m paying guys,” he leaned against the counter smiling.

You pouted. “Jae why? You’re new here. I should be treating you,” you whined.

Taeyong’s heart was going to break a record at this rate with the number of times his heart shattered ever since you came back, which hadn’t even been two full weeks. It was the first time he heard you call Jaehyun in short form. The only other person you did that to was him. Not even with Johnny did you do that and his real name was John.

When you began your search for an empty table, you were a little disappointed to see the table with lilacs taken. In turn, an empty table with a small clear vase holding creamy white gardenias was spotted.

“Wow those flowers are pretty. Let’s sit there,” you said and pulled Taeyong along with you. Even though he was a little, scratch that, very insecure that you hung out with Jaehyun a lot and called him in short form, his heart soared at your unexpected touches that night. After being so deprived of you, every single attention he received from you was enough to set his heart alight.

Jaehyun watched from afar, your complete attention on the boy you loved while Taeyong’s cheeks were kissed with a rosy hue. With a smile, he took a sip of his banana milk and followed you.

- ❀ -

“Bad news!” Joy yelled with a crying face.

She furiously knocked on the door panting. Johnny frantically opened and ushered her inside, trying to calm her down as she continued crying. “What is it?” Johnny asked softly.

The rest of the boys gathered shortly, not getting too close so that she could get some air.

“Y/N’s missing.”

Taeyong’s eyes went wide as his heart dropped to the floor. Ever since the hangout with Jaehyun, you went back to normal of not talking to him. “What do you mean missing?” Taeyong asked.

She shook her head. “I don’t know where she is. I haven’t seen her all day today and she hasn’t been answering my calls or texts.”

It was almost midnight and for you to not have replied back to Joy for a whole day meant something really was wrong.

“Calm down Joy. Have you checked some places Y/N would go to often?” Yuta questioned.

She nodded. “Yeah I did. She’s nowhere.” And Joy began choking on her sobs.

Taeyong didn’t waste another second and ran up to his room, grabbing his keys and jacket. Running back down, he said, “I’m going to go look for her.”

“I’m coming with you hyung,” Mark said.

Joy gave Jaehyun a look, making Jaehyun speak up. “Mark you have a test tomorrow don’t you? You should stay back.”

“What no! I wanna search for noona too!”

“Yeah I agree with Jaehyun. I’ll stay back with Mark so he can sleep while I wait to see if Y/N comes here,” Yuta suggested.

“Yeah I’ll go with Taeyong. And Johnny and Ten can go in another car and cover another area,” Jaehyun suggested.

“Okay sounds like a plan with me,” Ten agreed.

Johnny nodded. “Joy you should stay here and calm down.”

“You think I can calm down by sitting around? I’m coming with you!” she yelled.

Taeyong didn’t like the idea of Jaehyun coming with him. He’d rather search for you alone. But finding you was more important than who his search buddy was.

It was pin drop silent in Taeyong’s car. Jaehyun knew Taeyong wasn’t a big fan of him and found it quite amusing. He was not a single ounce of threat between you and Taeyong.

Taeyong decided to keep his mouth shut, not interested to have small talk with the boy beside him as he drove down the street to where your favourite café sat. He hoped so bad that you’d be there. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Jaehyun typing something on his phone.

Pulling up to the dimmed lighting of the café, Taeyong was dejected to see the closed sign on the window. You wouldn’t be inside a closed building.

However, Jaehyun unbuckled his seat belt and opened his door.

“Where are you going?” Taeyong asked him puzzled. There were barely any shops along the street that were open considering it was past midnight of a weekday.

“I texted the others to pick me up from here. You’ll find Y/N at the conservation park.” With that Jaehyun left the car and shut the door behind him.

Taeyong was overwhelmed with shock and relief that you weren’t exactly missing. But he was so confused with what all the commotion was about earlier. He pulled down the window. “What’s going on? Why would she do that?” Why would you be in the midst of wildlife, with trails pathed through the forests at night?

Jaehyun held his hands up. “I can’t say anything more. This is Y/N’s order. Now hurry. You don’t want her waiting for you, do you?”

Taeyong didn’t need to be told twice and he pressed on the accelerator of his car, his heart racing along.

When he got closer to the entrance of the conservation area, he was in a dilemma. It was dark with no artificial lights and if it weren’t for the bright moonlight, he wouldn’t know where to drive.

Why would you be here all alone? Who knew what could happen at night here? Wild animal attack? Serial killer on a hunt? He grew super nervous if he was going to find you in time before something bad would happen to you. He stopped the car and thought about calling you.

Only to realize that he didn’t bring his phone.

Fuck.

He cursed himself that he didn’t ask Jaehyun for pointers and he was going to try his very best to find you.

Staying inside his vehicle wasn’t helping with the limited view. He stepped out and tried to focus his eyes onto something that could aid him to get closer to you.

Glow in the dark stickers were stuck on a map in the parking lot. Taeyong thought it was bizarre for the map to have such stickers and his heart leaped, hoping it was your doing.

He parked his car and observed the map, scrutinizing to make out the colours and paths on the board. He found a sticker with TY initials on it, the spot not too far from where he stood. Taeyong knew it was you.

Sprinting towards the marked spot, he noticed a bit of light spilling from the trees that were blocking his view from you. When he walked through them, he abruptly came to a stop and lost his breath.

In front of him stood you, happily smiling that Taeyong had found you on his own. Your hands were clasping something behind your back but he didn’t pay any mind to that at that moment. Instead his eyes were glued to the setting behind you.

Red, pink and white heart shaped balloons were tied to the trees along with some outdoor hanging string lights to illuminate the small area. Letter balloons were tied to the weights and spelled out ‘I LOVE YOU’ as they floated in the air behind a white clothed table. Baskets of different types of flowers sat on the table. He recognized that all of the flowers were those that you and Taeyong had sat by at the flower café. Roses, gardenias, tulips, hyacinths, lilies, and lastly lilacs. Surrounded by the baskets, in the middle of the table sat a medium-sized white teddy bear holding a red heart.

Taeyong’s eyes lingered on the flower varieties and the words ‘I LOVE YOU’ for a while before shifting his gaze back on you.

“Y/N...” His voice failed him from the shock.

You brought your hands in front of you, a red velvety box sitting on the palms of your hands. “Are you just going to stand there?” you teased.

He shook himself, knocking some sense to his feet and walked closer to you. “What’s- Why- all this...” Taeyong’s throat was closing on him. He couldn’t believe all that he was seeing.

You giggled. “What else do you think silly?” You attempted to lighten up the situation when he looked like he was going to bawl his eyes out. You stopped laughing at his lack of response and turned serious.

“I’m in love with you Tae.” You opened up the velvet box displaying the couple rings you purchased. “I got this for us.”

Emotions poured out of his system and he gently grabbed onto your arm, pulling you into his tight embrace. His chin rested on the top of your head and you felt his chest rumble as your ear was pressed to his pounding heart. It felt like the world stopped spinning, you in his arms, his tears speeding down his face and falling on your hair that you didn’t mind the slightest bit. What mattered was the warmth that Taeyong emitted.

If you could spend an eternity in Taeyong’s arms, you would.

- ❀ -

You and Taeyong were on your way back to his house after packing everything in his car. He hadn’t let go of your hand ever since he pulled away from the hug, even when driving with his one hand. You joked that he had to at least let you go for you to sit in the passenger seat unless he wanted you to sit on his lap. And while he loved that idea, your safety came first.

“I can’t believe you remembered Y/N.” He was relieved to hear that you remembered his first confession now that the feeling was mutual. “And how did you even wait for me all alone? Weren’t you scared?”

“I wasn’t scared. But my heart was going crazy for you to find me. Joy was with me first and when we were done setting everything up, she almost like teleported to your place.”

“Wow... so that was all Joy acting. She’s such a great actress.”

You laughed. “Yup.”

A small frown appeared on his face. “Jaehyun knew too.”

“Yeah why?”

He grew silent, opting to not voice his concern and instead gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

“You’re jealous of Jaehyun, aren’t you?” you narrowed your eyes on him while his eyes were glued on the road.

Taeyong contemplated before nodding slightly.

You brought your other hand to lay on top of his. “You have nothing to be jealous about. We literally have like a sibling bond. He helped me get through so much in South Korea. I only wanted to do the same while he’s here for the study abroad program.”

His heart stilled. “Did you just say sibling?”

“Yes Tae. He’s like a brother figure to me.”

“But wouldn’t he...”

“What? Like me in that way? Of course not. He may have a pretty face of a heart stealer but he’s super loyal when it comes to friendships. He would never do anything bad to ruin relationships. In fact, he loves playing cupid because his birthday falls on Valentine’s day. That’s why he was a part of my plan tonight. He wanted us to be official so bad after hearing me talk so much about you.”

Taeyong felt a million weights lifted off his soul. Now that he heard about Jaehyun’s true personality, he felt bad for thinking Jaehyun was the devil. He was grateful that Jaehyun wasn’t the bad guy who was going to steal you away from him.

“You talked about me?” he asked flustered that you would mention him in your conversations with Jaehyun.

“Of course I would. I love you so much, like seriously crazy, Tae,” you said with a wide grin.

His heart was ready to rocket into space. He lifted your hand to his lips, placing a kiss on your palm. “I really love you too, Y/N.”

- ❀ -

You and Taeyong walked into the house, hands interlocked and being welcomed by all your friends for your safe return.

“You had us worried Y/N!” Yuta began. “What happened?”

“Yeah Joy and Jaehyun said it’s a surprise. What’s the surprise?” Ten asked with his face scrunched up.

You gave Taeyong a glance and held the intertwined hands up, showing the crew the couple rings. “We’re dating.”

Joy and Jaehyun had seen it coming and a huge smile was plastered on their faces. Meanwhile shocked expressions were registered on Johnny’s, Ten’s and Yuta’s faces. Johnny was the most surprised, followed by Yuta gaping. Ten was very amused that his friend stopped talking to other girls because of you. “Wow hyung, congrats! And you too Y/N!” The rest of your friends sent their warm regards to you and Taeyong.

“Wait till Mark hears this tomorrow morning,” Yuta said. “He’ll be thinking about it all day.”

“Watch him accidentally write it on his test,” Johnny laughed.

- ❀ -

If you were over the moon when you first thought about your trip to South Korea, you couldn’t even put into words of how you felt with Taeyong. You looked forward to seeing him, getting all giddy by his texts. He’d come to wait outside your classes, giving you a peck on the cheek as you ran into his arms. He’d give you back hugs when you would be trying to search for a book on the shelf in the library, resting his chin on your shoulder and kissing your neck. You pretty much lived at the boys’ house now more than you did before, specifically his bedroom, because you couldn’t separate yourself from him. Why should you even? Taeyong was your boyfriend. And he wanted the same thing. So what if his bed was twin sized? It was the perfect size for lovebirds like you two. He loved holding you in his arms and placing petal-like kisses on the top of your head during cuddle sessions. Every touch of his love sent your entire body blazing and you wished it’d never come to an end.

You hung out less with Jaehyun and you felt bad about it. In turn, your other friends hung out with him, especially Johnny taking him out for coffee runs. Joy did feel a bit jealous with Johnny’s new mate and could relate to how Taeyong felt with you and Jaehyun.

The month of midterms was coming up. You were looking forward to a particular boy’s special day that was going to give everyone a relief from the stress of assignments and examinations. Johnny, Joy and Ten took up the mission to organize a grand party for Jaehyun, with Johnny vowing to plan the best birthday and Valentine’s party for a student on an abroad program.

Your squad, minus Jaehyun who was meeting with an academic advisor, headed inside the library and searched for empty seats for the seven of you.

“Over there guys!” Mark spoke a bit too loudly for the librarian’s liking, earning a shush.

Ten snickered. “Mark seriously? Weren’t you supposed to be the goody two shoes?”

“Give him a break Ten. He got a little too excited seeing a huge empty table for the first time,” Yuta commented.

The poor young boy only groaned in response, wishing he could murder his hyungs in their sleep.

Johnny led the way, placing his bag on the opposite side of where you and Taeyong sat down shortly. Joy and Ten joined him as the trio were going to study for the second part of the math course. Mark had beaten Yuta to take the empty seat beside you, with the older one taking a seat at the end of the table.

“Okay guys. Do you have any idea how this integral shit works?” Johnny asked.

“Oh hyung I know!” Mark beamed at the topic mentioned. “Can I help?”

“No. Like our prof said. We should figure it out ourselves ‘cause no one’s gonna help us during the exams,” Ten recited.

“Yeah okay so what’s the first step to solve this shitshow?” Johnny pointed at the complicated question that their professor provided in class.

“Guys my head hurts,” Joy complained.

“It’s okay Joy. We got this. I’m going to find an integral calculator on Google.” Johnny pulled up his laptop and began clicking away.

“Okay hyung. I’ll see if this lazy man just stole it from the textbook. If he did, we’ll easily find the solutions online.”

“I don’t get why you can’t just ask me for help if you’re just gonna look up the answers,” Mark grumbled but the trio only ignored him.

Yuta heard Mark. “Awe does my baby tiger want to help?”

Mark stayed silent, afraid of where Yuta was going with this.

“Under the table-”

“HYUNG!”

The librarian grew furious and sent a glare at Mark, holding up a yellow card that had Yuta laughing hard. Mark took this chance to shove the older one off his seat, causing Yuta to fall flat on his butt.

Taeyong was searching for a book in his bag, his shoulders sinking at the thought that he forgot it in his bedroom. “Love, I’ll be back. I’m going to look for the book I need to write this paper on.”

You sent him a smile. “Okay.”

He smiled at you and got up from his seat, beginning his quest for the novel.

Taeyong hadn’t walked too far until he bumped into a girl, realizing who it was after a few seconds.

“Oh sorry Bella.”

She smiled. “That’s alright. I haven’t heard from you in a while.” Bella was a friend who gave him the love he needed months ago before he started loving you.

“Yeah.” He didn’t know what else to say to her, not interested in small talks.

“I missed you,” she spoke ever so softly.

He didn’t miss her because he had made it clear to everyone what his intentions were ahead of time.

“I need to talk to you,” Bella said and grabbed his hand, not giving Taeyong a chance to refuse and pulled him through the tall bookshelves, going deeper and deeper until it was impossible to find them within seconds.

You had seen the encounter from your seat. Taeyong talking to an unknown girl didn’t bother you. But the second that girl pulled Taeyong out of your sight, something didn’t quite sit well in your stomach. You wanted to go after them and see what it was about. Everyone at your table was occupied, the trio still scratching their heads at the math problem, and Yuta messing around with Mark.

You stood up and headed in the direction of where the duo disappeared, stunned that you didn’t see them immediately behind the bookshelves.

Where did you go Taeyong?

You walked around, turning your head in all directions at every opening until you bumped into a tall boy.

Lucas.

You recognized the boy in one of your classes. He was always loud, disturbing nearby classmates who were trying to focus on the lecture content. Quite a flirt towards girls as well, excluding you thankfully. You always ignored him and he did the same in a respectful manner, even when the two of you ended up sitting beside one another.

You muttered an apology and tried to walk around him, but he blocked your way.

That was a first. He had never bothered you before. You let out a deep breath, pushing the task of finding Taeyong aside for the moment. “What is it?”

- ❀ -

“You should believe me Taeyong. I only want the best for you.”

Taeyong couldn’t believe her. “No Bella, Y/N would never do that to me. And it’s better if you leave my sight now before I raise my voice at you.”

She shook her head not backing down. “I won’t. What makes you think Y/N will stay loyal to you? She’s never looked another guy before you.”

“Exactly my point. Y/N wouldn’t ever betray me.”

“No Tae. Now that she gave you a chance, she’ll be more comfortable looking at other guys. Maybe even behind your back. Don’t you think that can happen?”

Her words stirred something inside him, thinking about Jaehyun. Yes, he knew Jaehyun wasn’t a threat but the thought of how you made friends with him abroad without telling anyone had him momentarily think that you could possibly-

Taeyong shook his head, trying to shake Bella’s words out of his mind. “You’re just trying to make me doubt her, aren’t you? I’m not gonna-” he stopped suddenly biting his tongue. It was better to just leave instead of fighting with a wall. He turned his back on her to leave before she could brainwash him more.

But Bella wasn’t done with him just yet. She grabbed his shoulder forcefully turning him around and placed her lips on top of his in a blink. When Taeyong realized what Bella was doing, he pushed her away, not even in the gentlest manner and looked at her incredulously. “What the fuck Bella?!” He turned not glancing back at her and failed to notice the sinister smile on her face.

It didn’t feel like a good day for him to write his paper. He just wanted to take you home and cuddle with you all day.

He walked through the endless bookcases, attempting to figure out where on earth he was. Bella had caught him off guard when she dragged him away that he couldn’t think about anything else other than what the girl wanted to discuss with him. When Taeyong passed by one of the passageways without much thought, he froze in his steps, his heart getting caught in his throat. Backing up slowly, he looked at a guy. Super close to you. He couldn’t see your face clearly as your hair blocked your side profile.

Your back was pressed flat against the bookshelf as Lucas caged you in his arms. You threatened him to leave you alone but he only laughed at your face. You were afraid of him because he was really tall, and his smirk made him look a lot more intimidating. If you tried to get physical on him, you were terrified what he’d do in return. You frantically looked around to see if anyone was nearby to cry for help. Your heart leaped to see Taeyong but then it did a free fall when your eyes lingered on his face.

A bright red lipstick stain on his lips.

You never wore lipstick and you knew it had something to do with that girl from earlier.

Taeyong stormed his way towards you two, briefly glancing at Lucas in disgust, and when his eyes landed on you, you felt all the colour drain from your face.

“What are you doing with him?” Taeyong asked and at that moment you didn’t know if you were more afraid of Lucas...

Or Taeyong’s furious eyes.

You were speechless. First, he went off to kiss a girl behind your back. And second, instead of saving you, he turned the entire situation on you. You never thought Taeyong would ever doubt you for cheating behind his back, and you never thought he would cheat on you.

Lucas took this chance to kiss your cheek. You were startled by his bold move and pushed him off with all the anger you had for both him and your boyfriend. “What the fuck Lucas?! And you,” turning to Taeyong, “Why the fuck is there lipstick on your lips?”

Taeyong laughed bitterly with his breaking heart, not caring about the lipstick stain and was amused by you dodging his question. “I asked first. You literally avoided answering me when you-”

“Because you’re turning this all on me after you smooched off that girl!” You face was red, beyond furious at the accusation. “Don’t you dare talk to me!” you yelled, not caring that you were in a library. Without giving Taeyong a chance to retort back, you turned on your heel and hurriedly jogged back to the table with hot tears descending down your face.

You wiped the tears off with the back of your hands angrily and began throwing your stuff in your bag carelessly. Your three friends looked at you in alarm to see your crying face. You didn’t care where your other two friends were. All you wanted to do was get away from everyone, especially him.

“Y/N? What-”

Before Joy could ask, you ran out the library.

Joy quickly packed her belongings. “I’m gonna go,” she informed and rushed after you.

Johnny and Ten looked at one another in worry and later saw Taeyong walk back to the table with a scowl. He had already wiped the lipstick off his face.

“What happened Taeyong?” Johnny asked.

“Nothing,” he tried to brush it off, not in the mood to talk about it.

“It was definitely something!” Johnny’s voice boomed with such resonance that it made the librarian draw the last straw and kicked the boys out.

That wasn’t even a problem when they had a bigger problem at hand.

On the way down the steps of the library, Yuta and Mark had caught up to them, asking what happened that made everyone leave the library suddenly. Taeyong hadn’t said a word yet, the scowl permanent on his face.

Johnny wasn’t content with the silence. “I’m not letting you into the house if you don’t speak up, young man.”

Right at that time, Lucas exited the library, passing by the boys casually. Taeyong noticed him and saw Lucas shoot him an evil smirk, shaking his head in disappointment and left.

Dropping his scowl, Taeyong lifted his arm to stare long at the smudged lipstick on the back of the hand.

His heart stung badly, the feeling of regret slowly creeping into his heart.

- ❀ -

You had gotten back to your apartment with Joy hot on your trails. You threw your bag angrily on the couch and walked to your bedroom, slamming the door shut on Joy. You wanted to be alone when crying. Crying for the boy that you thought wouldn’t hurt you. Crying because he betrayed you. Crying because Taeyong witnessed another man harass you in front of his eyes and didn’t do anything about it.

Your legs gave up, sliding down onto the floor as you cried.

“Y/N?” Joy didn’t want to barge into your room. Curiosity was eating her up to learn what happened, but she knew you well enough that you needed your space.

When she didn’t hear a response from you and only your cries, she decided to message him.

- ❀ -

“There’s no way Y/N would cheat on you! Do you even hear yourself?”

“But it’s true. I saw it, Johnny.”

“Nonsense! I don’t believe it. Seriously use your brain Taeyong!”

None of his friends believed him. They’d known you for almost half a year now. They had a feeling that you wouldn’t do anything to break the trust of your friends, especially your boyfriend. Jaehyun was something they all assumed at first before Jaehyun cleared it up.

“Isn’t it a coincidence that at the same time Bella talked to you, that guy was with Y/N too?” Ten voiced out. “What if it was a setup?”

Now that Taeyong had thought through the entire situation at the library, he was getting more afraid that he had gotten into Bella’s words and wrongly mistrusted you. Even worse, he felt like killing himself for not saving you and beating Lucas up for what he did to you.

You needed help and Taeyong, literally a few steps away, overlooked that and turned the table on you.

He gripped his hair in anger and hung his head low in disappointment.

Johnny’s phone began ringing and excused himself out the living room. “Hey Joy,” he greeted not sounding as cheerful as he usually would.

“What happened? Y/N is bawling her eyes out and I have no idea how to calm her down.”

He explained the case to her and at the end of it, Joy was gripping her phone so tightly that she was close to throwing it at the wall. “I’m going to kill Taeyong!” she screamed, her face going all red. “Where is he?”

“As much as we want to knock sense in him, we need to think of a way to clear the misunderstanding.”

Joy sat down on the couch, counting numbers in her head to calm herself down. “Okay, but I’m never forgiving him for this.”

The doorbell rang and Joy got up to answer it. She swung the door open revealing a worried Jaehyun.

- ❀ -

“Who the hell was that guy? We need to talk to him.” Mark said.

“More like we need to beat him to pulp for doing that to Y/N!” Yuta corrected. “The exact thing someone should have done at that time,” he said throwing shade at Taeyong.

Taeyong wanted to dig his own grave the more the boys talked about it.

The front door slammed open, the person not bothering to close it. Jaehyun looked around for the boy at fault, making eye contact with him and stormed over. Standing right in front of the sitting boy, he demanded for Taeyong to stand up. Taeyong did without hesitation and was ready to accept a blow as he deserved it. The rest of the boys gathered around closely, ready to hold back Jaehyun if a fight broke out.

“Listen to me carefully Taeyong. As much as I want to punch you in the face, I’m not a man of violence. And Y/N would never want that either.”

Upon hearing your name, Taeyong’s heart broke even more.

“Y/N gave you a chance. She could have easily moved on with her life without you. Heck she could have lived her life without confessing to you. There was literally no need for a relationship seeing how you two have problems! The reason why she gave you a chance is because she loves you.”

A tear slipped down Taeyong’s face. Everything that came out of Jaehyun’s mouth was true and hit him right in the center of his heart. You and him couldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you two gathering the courage to get over the personal issues. What you had with him was fragile and a slight sever in the relationship would mean an end to the trust.

“What do I do now?” Taeyong whispered more to himself.

Jaehyun heard him. “You’re going to beg for her forgiveness. And you’re not giving up.”

- ❀ -

The night fell, and you laid your head on your beloved friend’s lap. Your eyes were closed due to the fatigue that added up when you cried, and Joy gently stroked your hair in efforts to soothe your aching heart.

Your phone was on silent, not in the mood to communicate with anyone. It sat beside Joy so she could check to see if you’d get any urgent notifications.

You hadn’t spoken a word when you left your room. Joy was immensely relieved for you to have finally come out of your room that she didn’t mind your silence. Baby steps, she thought. You’d talk in due time when you were ready.

The phone lit up beside her, her eyes landing on it right in time. She didn’t want to ask you in fear that you’d start crying again and so on your behalf, Joy declined Taeyong’s incoming call.

Taeyong knew it wasn’t going to be easy for you to forgive him. But like Jaehyun said, he wasn’t going to give up.

- ❀ -

The next few days, you had been avoiding Taeyong. He would call and message so often that you had enough of the painful sensations in your heart every time you saw a notification from him and blocked him altogether.

When his attempts to get through you with his phone failed, he decided to make a trip to your apartment. You had seen it coming and told Joy to handle him while you hid in your room.

Joy wasn’t going to risk opening the door in case Taeyong invited himself in without permission. When she heard a series of doorbell ringing, she unlocked her phone to call him.

“Taeyong leave.”

“No! Please let me see her,” he pleaded. She could hear the hoarseness in his voice.

“Y/N doesn’t want to. And I’m not opening the door so instead of wasting your time and giving her stress because she’s clearly trying to avoid you, leave.” There was not a single ounce of warmth in Joy’s tone. She had given Taeyong a chance to not let her down, and he did the exact thing she feared.

Taeyong heaved a sigh of defeat, giving up until he thought of a better way to get closer to you.

Joy breathed out in relief, thankful that he left without making much of a commotion. She cautiously walked over to your closed room and put her ear against the door. Instead of your cries, she was met with your silence. Opening your door, she found you sitting on your bed, your arms hugging your legs and your chin rested on top. Your eyes void of any emotions as you tried to numb the agony in your heart.

Joy carefully sat down beside you as if you were a bubble that would burst any second. “Can I ask you something?”

You inhaled deeply and nodded.

“Are you going to break up with him?”

Break up... with Taeyong.

The thought of ending your relationship with Taeyong sent a million pins and needles at your heart. Regardless of everything that happened, that was one thing you wished never happened. He made you happy, feel so alive with a love that you had never experienced in your life.

But flashbacks to the what happened in the library killed you.

“No,” you croaked out. “But he-”

“I know everything Y/N. Johnny told me. I’m not trying to take his side after what he did to you. But nothing like what you think actually happened between him and that girl.”

A pinch of pain lifted from your heart, hoping your boyfriend was as innocent as your friend claimed. “What? But he had-”

“That girl apparently jumped on him. The others think this was a set up to break you and Taeyong up.”

- ❀ -

The next time you had a class with Jaehyun, he didn’t dare to speak about Taeyong to you and opted to talk about other things. You were starting to feel better with the impression that Lucas personally didn’t want to inflict any harm on you. And you had confirmed this the next time you saw him on campus with Jaehyun thankfully beside you.

You took cover behind Jaehyun when Lucas approached holding his hands up to show that he meant no harm.

“Look I’m really sorry. I only did as I was told and I didn’t actually mean to scare you like that,” he said to your eyes as you peeked over Jaehyun’s shoulder.

“Why did you do it?” Jaehyun asked coldly.

“She was giving me money for it. It was a dick move but don’t we need money as broke students? And I was going to tell you the truth after I got the money. Seriously.”

Jaehyun looked over his shoulder at you, wordlessly asking you for the next move. Your heart rate slowed down when you decided to believe in Lucas. “But why would that girl do that?” you asked.

Lucas shook his head, not knowing the exact reason. “I think she’s jealous. As a lot of girls would be. Taeyong is really popular. For them to hear that he’s in a relationship would… you know?”

You nodded slowly and came out from behind Jaehyun, feeling a lot braver.

“Once again Y/N, I’m really sorry for scaring you.” When you stayed silent, he took your silence as a sign to leave.

Jaehyun let out a sigh and turned to you, observing your silence.

You were still hurt by Taeyong’s lack of trust in you, led astray by someone else’s words. The girls were going to be an issue. You figured that they weren’t going to stop, which meant that if you and Taeyong wanted to keep the relationship alive, an unbreakable trust had to be formed.

But you didn’t know if you could trust Taeyong just yet. He did it once. He could do it again. Taeyong was going to have to win your heart if he was serious about you.

For that, only time could tell.

- ❀ -

Jaehyun informed Taeyong of your encounter with Lucas. When Taeyong learned that it was all Bella’s plan, his blood boiled in anger. Not at Bella. Not at Lucas.

At himself.

He was almost about to give up on you as you deserved someone so much better than what he was. Pathetic. But Jaehyun knocked some sense in him to not give into his frustration and instead think of a way for you to forgive him.

Taeyong got into contact with Joy, asking her when you would be at your place and assured her that he wasn’t going to see you.

The first time he came by, Joy trusted Taeyong to not barge in and opened the door. He quietly stood there, unmoving, holding some things.

Your ear was pressed against the bedroom door in attempt to eavesdrop their conversation. You couldn’t make out the inaudible mumbles until-

“Y/N come out!”

Your heart rate picked up. Was Joy calling you out while Taeyong was there? You opened the door enough for one eye to check on the situation, but it didn’t give you much of a view.

Seeing that you were taking awhile, she added, “He’s not here. Don’t worry.”

You opened the door fully and walked out, heading to the direction of the voice. In the kitchen, you saw Joy lay a bouquet of lilacs on the counter along with a tray holding two drinks and a small bag of baked goods fitted in one of the empty cup spots.

“What’s this?” you asked surprised.

“He gave you, well us these treats so we can have energy to study. And these flowers... he didn’t say anything.”

The dull pain inside you converted into a blossoming feeling. Your heart warmed at the thought that Taeyong was taking care of you when you weren’t talking to him and refused to see him.

Joy noticed a white note tucked in between the stems of the bunch. “Oh there’s something here. I think you should read it.” She handed you the note.

Slowly you unfolded it and read his handwriting.

- I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you. I’m not worthy for you to forgive me. But please take care of yourself. Don’t fall sick. Don’t stress too much. Eat well, sleep well too. I love you.

- ❀ -

Everyday Taeyong came to drop off some food and beverages, whether it’d be from a coffee shop, your favourite takeout or even his homemade foods that you loved so much. Joy would see the forced smile and the gloomy look in his eyes during the delivery. He wouldn’t say anything to Joy and before she could ask about himself, Taeyong would already be walking away.

One day, Joy had to meet Johnny and Ten for a review session. You were home alone and Taeyong wanted to give you food.

But how was he going to do it without you seeing him?

You got a message from Joy.

Joy: Taeyong is going to doorbell and drop some food by the door. He’ll leave right away so you won’t see him

Your heart accelerated. Every time you saw Joy place food on the counter that Taeyong brought for you, your heart melted. The note he had given you on the first day was tucked safely in your notebook, seeing it right away upon opening it. The lilacs were sitting in the living room in a white vase. Every time you walked out of your bedroom, your eyes would land on them, thinking about the first time you saw them with him.

The doorbell rang.

Taeyong.

You tried to calm down your quickened breathing, debating whether you should catch him or wait for his departure. Ultimately, you decided against waiting for him to leave, a small flicker in you wanted to see him.

You opened the door and saw a cloth bag on the floor with clear glass containers of the foods he cooked. You turned your head right in time to catch a glimpse of his figure, walking into the elevator and not glancing back at you.

- ❀ -

After you finished writing your first midterm, you pulled out your phone and dialed a number.

“Y/N! Oh my God! How are you?”

You smiled at hearing Ten’s cheerful voice. “I’m okay thanks. How are things with you?”

He groaned. “Ugh, what can I possibly say about math? Why did I do this to myself? Anyways what’s up?”

“Is Taeyong near you?”

“No I’m alone.”

“Do you know what he’s doing today? Like is stressed for anything right now?”

He was silent for a bit. “I don’t know what he’s doing today. He’s pretty unpredictable these days. Why- Wait a minute! Don’t tell me you want to see Taeyong!”

Ten took your stunned silence as a yes and you heard him scream a series of yeses, cuing you to cut the call. The entirety of your midterm exam, you couldn’t stop the gnawing at your heart, couldn’t stop thinking about Taeyong.

Going to the blocked contacts list, you found Taeyong’s number and unblocked him. On the messages app, your fingers hovered over the keyboard, afraid of what he felt towards you. Would he be mad at you for not talking to him this long? Your fear was irrational because he wouldn’t have dropped by every day to deliver food if he was. Maybe he did it every day because he became used to it.

You took a deep breath in and typed a message, sending it right away.

Taeyong felt his phone vibrate beside him. He was currently working on the written assignment that was supposed to happen at the library before the unfortunate event. He pried his burning eyes away from the laptop screen and onto his phone, his heart stopping.

A message from you.

At the speed of light, he picked his phone up, wishing his eyes weren’t playing a trick on him.

It really was you.

Love: Are you busy?

He wanted to call you. He was desperate to hear your voice. But he didn’t want to push his luck.

Taeyong: No

Love: Where are you?

Taeyong: At home

Love: Can you meet me?

Taeyong: Of course, where?

Love: Parking lot of the campus. We’ll go somewhere from there.

He wasted no time, grabbing the essentials including his phone this time, and hurried out the door.

You waited at the spot, trying to think of where to go. For what you wanted to talk about, you wanted it to be a secluded area where no one else would likely be at that time. Lost in your thoughts of where to go, you didn’t hear a car pull up beside you.

Taeyong’s car.

He stepped out and rounded his car, walking closer to where you stood on the curb. “Y/N,” he called you quietly, scared that he was going to make a wrong move and have you run away from him.

When you locked your gaze with his, you felt the time slow down. You missed him so much. You longed to feel the warmth in his arms, like he would be shielding you from the world. You missed the feeling of his lips on you. You missed spending time with him, cuddling with him, kissing him. Everything.

You missed him because you loved him, but you didn’t know if you could trust your heart to him just yet.

“Tae,” you whispered and a tear slip down your face, instantly drying from the chilly weather.

Taeyong smiled genuinely for the first time after a while, and it made you feel a bit better that he wasn’t mad at you. “Thank you. And I’m really sorry. I’ll spend the rest of my life saying sorry-”

“Don’t,” you cut him off. “I wanted to talk to you.”

He nodded frantically. “I’ll listen to anything you say.”

You asked Taeyong to drive you both to the conservation park, the same one where you confessed to him. The drive there was silent. You weren’t going to make small talk with him just yet. Meanwhile, Taeyong’s hand were getting sweaty as he gripped the steering wheel tightly, nervous about what you were going to say. He didn’t know if you were breaking up with him or not, and the thought of you doing so devastated him.

After he parked the car, you wasted no time and got out of the car with Taeyong following. You thought hard contemplating whether to do it or not, and at the end let your heart give in. When he jogged up to you, you laced your fingers with his. The small action made Taeyong’s heart explode, sending an immense amount of hope that things might become okay between you two.

You led him along the trails in the forest, walking in the familiar direction when you and Joy came here for the first time.

Taeyong recognized the path that once led him to the big surprise and thought you were taking him there. To reminisce that night. But he was wrong when you passed the spot. You were taking him somewhere else.

You stopped at the end of the trail, leaving Taeyong speechless. In front of his eyes was a sparkling blue lake with trees decorated along the other inaccessible side. The water sat still, unmoving in the chilly weather, creating a perfect mirror on its surface. Only a few ripples in the presence of gentle wind broke it fleetingly before regaining the seamless reflection.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” you asked.

Taeyong agreed but stayed mute. He was waiting for you to talk. The main reason why you wanted to see him.

“I wanted to tell you something no one knows. Something Joy doesn’t know... about my past,” you continued.

He felt his heart stop beating. You never brought it up to him and so he didn’t you were ever going to talk about it.

You squeezed his hand a little tighter out of anxiety. You didn’t ever want to talk about it, thinking that it wasn’t going to really mean anything now. It was your pain that you grew up witnessing. It was supposed to be something left in the past and never brought up again. For that reason, you were never ready to talk about it.

But if you and Taeyong wanted to form an unbreakable trust, you had to open up to him, even if it was just a little, and have him understand why you were the way you were.

“Joy asked me once a while back whether it was because of my dad. For not being interested in relationships. I guess it is.”

“Why?” he asked gently.

“Because he emotionally abused my mom.”

You heard him gasp and it felt as if time had stopped around you, memories of your past flooding back to you.

Speaking ill about your significant other, belittling them, asserting dominance. That wasn’t love. Invalidating their feelings, making them cry, having no respect for them. That wasn’t love. It was emotional torture. Not just to your mom but to you witnessing it all as well. You were in a way grateful to be an only child so your unborn siblings wouldn’t have to see it and mature the way you did.

With a gentle squeeze of your hand, Taeyong brought you back to the present moment. “Y/N, I’m so sorry,” he spoke so softly.  

You shook your head. “No, I’m sorry. I don’t think I can say anything more. It’s too hard for me. It’s something I try to forget. But I guess it’s scarred in my heart.”

“And you don’t have to say more. I understand.” He rubbed his thumb in circles on the back of your hand, hoping to soothe you.

“I became aware of it in middle school that it wasn’t supposed to be normal. It was too much for me to see my own dad do it to my mom. That’s why I guess I never bothered myself with boys and relationships.”

“Oh my God, I’m really-”

“Don’t you dare say sorry again.”

He bit his tongue before that word slipped out. “But... can I ask you something... about them?”

“Yeah.”

“Are they still together?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t your mother leave him?”

You thought that too. You desperately wished for them to divorce or just live separately. It killed you to see your mom be tormented and broken-hearted every single day. “She never left him because she was dependent on him. And she would claim that it wasn’t the real him and it was his way of showing love.” You thought it was absurd. You knew she was lying. But as a child, you didn’t know what else to do other than to accept it.

“Are they still the same?”

You shook your head. “I don’t know when or why things changed after I left for uni. Whenever I’d go back to see them, it looks like my dad is putting an effort to not hurt my mom. Something must have happened after I left that knocked some sense in him, I guess,” you chuckled to yourself. Even though your dad was getting better at respecting your mom, the pain of seeing of your mom cry to herself every day remained in your heart.

Taeyong was quiet for a moment. The scar from your past was still there and he wanted to be careful and not prick it by saying the wrong thing. After some thought, he asked, “Can I ask you something?”

You laughed quietly, remembering the day when this exact thing happened with the roles reversed. “Yeah.”

“Can you trust me?” He made his mind up. Knowing about you and your past, he was never going to doubt you again. He wasn’t going to jump to conclusions like the way he did with Jaehyun and Lucas.

“I can. But not if you-”

“I won’t ever make assumptions or doubt you again. Like the way I did with Jaehyun and Lucas. I’ll always trust you with my whole heart. I mean it.” He gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

You sent him a weak smile. “Okay. I’m trusting you.”

He smiled at you in a loving manner to which you reciprocated.

You reminded yourself of one more thing to say. “Also Tae, I’m sorry.”

He was puzzled by your apology. Why are you when I’m the one at fault, he thought. “For what?”

“For doubting you, for kissing that girl.”

He shook his head frantically. “You shouldn’t be the one to say sorry. It’s all my fault. It wouldn’t have gotten bad if I didn’t... I’m really-”

“Tae,” you narrowed your eyes on him.

He gave you an awkward smile and cleared his throat. “So... you won’t break up with me?”

You laughed. “As serious as everything I said sounds, and for something that you realized your mistake after, I can give you another chance. You’re lucky I love you so much.”

Taeyong let out a deep breath, feeling his shoulders lighten incredibly. “Thank goodness. I thought the talk was going to be about us breaking up.”

You tenderly smiled at him. “How can I break up with you when you sent food every day? Especially when you sent me your delicious home-cooked meals. That’s literally so sweet of you,” you cooed.

Though the cold air coloured his cheeks rosy, your compliment made his cheeks turn beet red. He giggled it off and showcased his beautiful heart-stopping smile. “I love you too, Y/N.”

- ❀ -

Ten had spread the news of you getting into touch with Taeyong at the speed of light. When Taeyong brought you to his place, everyone was waiting to see the good news. Mark jumped repeatedly on the spot in excitement, squealing and slapping Yuta’s arm in the process. “Ow Mark!” Johnny gave Joy a side hug, and observed a faint pink colour her cheeks, smiling at her. Joy finally forgave Taeyong after you had done so. As long as you were happy with him and everything got sorted out, she was happy. And last but not least, Jaehyun. He was very delighted to see his roommate win your heart again that his dimples were permanent on his face the entire day.

The big day arrived. Valentine’s day. Jaehyun had once told you that it was a blessing to have his birthday fall on a special day. He would receive double the gifts from his admirers. He recalled his high school days where gifts were piled on top of his desk and the locker would be filled with both birthday wishes and love letters. He was beyond excited to see his new friends prepared for his birthday slash Valentine’s day party.

Joy, Johnny and Ten had already gone to the venue to set up everything, while Mark and Yuta were in charge of taking Jaehyun around the city before bringing him there.

In the meantime, you were granted to have some quality time, as said by Ten, with your boyfriend before the party.

Boyfriend.

Taeyong.

The thought of him made you squeal in happiness, feeling warm and fuzzy in your heart.

Your heart leaped when you heard the doorbell ring to your apartment, signaling your loveable boyfriend’s arrival. When you opened the door, you found him affectionately smiling at you with crinkling eyes, holding a bouquet of red roses.

You grabbed his arm, pulled him inside and closed the door. When his gaze landed on your outfit, his eyes blew up. “Are you wearing a dress?”

Your heart was beating super fast, excited to show off the rose print dress. “Yeah! Do you like it?” You did a little twirl to make the dress flow. “I know it’s cold outside but as long as I’m with you, I’ll be warm,” you said, grinning widely.

Taeyong was close to fainting from your cuteness. “It’s really beautiful. I’ve never seen you wear a dress before.”

You nodded. “Yeah I don’t really like wearing one. But I saw this and thought it’d be perfect to wear it on a special occasion. Like today for Valentine’s day. Plus you love red roses.”

He did love red roses, the ones that resembled the scar beside his right eye. And you remembering it made his heart beat erratically in his chest. He pulled you into a crushing hug, holding you close to him as he placed a kiss on your forehead that ignited your entire soul.

“Okay as much as I love your hugs, the flowers are poking me, Tae,” you laughed.

“Oh.” He let you go, holding up the bouquet for you. “It’s Valentine’s Day so I wanted to give you these.”

You took hold of the red flowers, admiring their beauty. “Thank you. They’re really beautiful. Like you.”

He coughed, getting all shy from your compliment attack. “Only because it’s Valentine’s day. If it wasn’t, do you know what I’d get you?”

You frowned and shook your head. “No. What?” Your heart soared upon seeing the sweetest smile broke onto his face.  

“Magenta lilacs.”

[glitxhwayventeen]

Lonely Together

Jihoon: Chapter 1 (Perfect)

Characters: Jihoon x female reader

Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, smut, angst, fluff, potential blood mentions, genocide, runaways, domestic violence, child abuse, abandonment, homelessness, hunger, violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.

Author’s Note: I recommend listening to Perfect by Ed Sheeran before reading this. That’s the song I thought of while writing this because it makes me feel some type of way you know?

Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!

Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts

🥀 & ☁️

Lonely Together Master List

Chapter 1: Perfect

It had been so long since you’d been around so many people. It made you antsy. You didn’t understand a lot of what was going on in the house. The constant noise scared you. It had you on such an edge that you nearly screamed everytime one of them coughed.

To be fair, before you had met them, you’d honestly jump at footsteps. Because footsteps meant humans, and humans meant danger. Not to mention that you were still not used to being in your human form. You preferred to stay a wolf, you were stronger when you walked on all four legs, and you weren’t as noticeable.

Your human appearance was… striking to most people to say the least. Your bright eyes and darker skin with salt and pepper curly hair made everyone around you always stare at you. You understood it somewhat, you didn’t match everyone else’s looks in Korea. But that didn’t mean you liked people watching you all the time, you hated being the center of attention. So to say you were still adjusting to being around people after having lived alone for centuries was a bit of an understatement. It was all so new to you. You had a new feeling now too. You just weren’t sure what it was…

At first, you thought maybe it was hope. You hadn’t hoped in such a long time, it would bring tears to even the most hardened criminal’s eyes. But you weren’t that good at trusting that human part of you. So you decided to go off of what you knew. And, even though you hadn’t been there long, two weeks at the most you thought, you learned a lot of things about them. You knew all but one of the wolves had a mate. You knew that two of the alphas butted heads on how to lead the pack a lot and that one just watched from the side and did everything behind the scenes without causing too much distress to the others. You knew they all loved each other, no matter what they said or how much they fought. You also knew that, being around them made you feel more alone than you’ve felt in decades.

When you were younger, you didn’t mind being alone. It meant that you didn’t have to rely on anyone, it meant you only had to look out for yourself. And as you got older, it just felt… right. But being around this house full to the brim with people, you started to realize just how much you missed being part of a big family. They treated you like you were one of them. Which was weird to you… because they didn’t really know you. I mean sure they saved you from imminent death, but they didn’t know you from Adam.

The more you thought about your current situation, the weirder the feeling got. The closer you got to each one of them, the stronger the feeling got. And when you got close to one of the quiet ones in particular, you swore it felt like your heart was singing to you. It was something you weren’t sure you’d ever get used to, but it wasn’t something you necessarily hated either. Whatever the feeling was, you’d figure it out eventually or it would go away on its own… right?

Still, You got to eat first with the other mates, well the mates minus Soonyoung. He may have been Seungcheol’s mate but 1.) he was a wolf unlike the other mates and 2.) he was a male wolf so he ate just as much as the other boys did. So they didn’t think it fair that he get to eat with all of you. Or them…. Or-whatever. You didn’t know, you just knew they offered you and the other girls food first and, considering you used to have to hunt for your food or you didn’t get to eat, you were definitely NOT complaining. Soonyoung though, you learned, had a tendency to whine about any and everything that he didn’t like.

“Aww come on again! No fair! (Y/N)’s just as much of a wolf as I am! Why does SHE get to eat first when I don’t??” Soonyoung decided to voice aloud, grabbing his plate with both hands and semi-patiently waiting for his turn to grab food.

You didn’t mind of course. You did think he had a point. It didn’t seem fair to him. Either he should be eating with the other mates, or you should be eating with the other wolves. So you agreed.

“He’s got a point. I should be eating with the other wolves. I eat more than the other girls after all” you shrugged matter of factly to the lead alpha, who was also his mate, who was hunched over the stove making said breakfast.

The thing is, Seungcheol did understand the argument. And he personally saw merit to the concerns, whether it was because it was a genuine point or whether it was just from months of his mate complaining about it, he didn’t know. Still, he saw it’s reasonings and thought they could be sound.

BUUUT, he also knew that SOMEBODY would definitely NOT be happy if you had to wait and fight the boys for food. It seemed everyone, wolves and mates alike, but you understood that Jihoon had imprinted on you already. Maybe you just didn’t know much about it, or maybe you knew and just decided you didn’t want to know, either way, it wasn’t for him to decide or judge.

So, as he looked over to the table of boys who were ACTUALLY patiently waiting their turn to dig in, his eyes landed on Jihoon, who shook his head and narrowed his eyes at the older wolf in return. Of course you didn’t notice this action, you were always more in your own head than you were in conversations.

“Sucks to suck kids. I make the rules and I say you eat with the mates. End of story. Sorry love!” he declared, once again moving his eyes ever so slightly to Jihoon, who nodded his head slightly as he smiled triumphantly.

He was NOT about to let his newfound mate eat the other mates leftovers with the other wolves. No. That was absolutely NOT happening. He may not have “officially” expressed that you were his mate, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t gonna do everything in his power to make sure you were happy, healthy, and well fed.

“But-” you argued, trying to bring your point’s validity up to him again.

“But nothing (Y/N). Sure you eat more than the other girls. But you DEFINITELY don’t eat as much as the boys do. Even if you are a wolf. Besides you’re one of-” he trailed off just as someone around the room hit the table slightly and coughed. Everyone but you realized where he was going with that sentence, and Jihoon wasn’t ready to face that just yet.

“-One of our guests.” Seungcheol thought after a moment, clearly lying his ass off but hoping he did a good enough job that you didn’t notice. Luckily for him, you weren’t all that great at social cues. “Therefore you shall not be eating whatever’s left, you’ll get first dibs with the other girls.” He said as he sat one of the plates of remaining food left from what the mates couldn’t eat down on the table, kissing his pouting mates forehead in the process.

“Don’t worry about Soonyoung. He’s just a baby. He’ll get over it. You deserve to be eating with the mates.” Spoke the smallest boy of the pack with a smile that seemed to light up as bright as a bonfire whenever you looked him in the eyes. He was the one that had your heart singing whenever you were in the same room. His little declaration made your cheeks heat up.

“O-Okay, I guess. I still don’t think I’ve done anything to deserve the special treatment… but thank you” you resolved with a polite smile back, doing your best to hide the pink covering your face. His heart rate sped up to jackrabbit speed as his inner wolf seemed to beamed at your answer.

“No (Y/N). Thank YOU.” Hansol retorted with a shit eating grin on his face. What he wanted to say was “thanks for helping one of the assholes in the group become juuuuust a little less of an asshole by being his mate,” but obviously he couldn’t do that without getting his ass beat.

“Thank me? Thank me for what?” You questioned, genuinely curious as to what he was thanking you for. You hadn’t done anything to warrant a thank you… had you?

“Oh nothing. Don’t worry about it. You’ll find out… eventually” He let out, looking at Jihoon, earning a smack from the older wolf and a small growl. Though he whined for a second, Hansol still began to laugh at his actions.

“…Okaaaay…” you said, trying your best to forget the conversation as a whole so you could eat the remains of your pancakes. Man these guys are weird.

-

Jihoon wasn’t sure exactly what he should do. He knew he couldn’t deny his instincts forever. But he wasn’t so sure about this whole “mate” thing. I mean, who was he kidding, he got along better on his own. He survived on his own for his entire life, at the orphanage, at school, even in his pack. For the most part, he kept to himself. He was SEVERELY independent, and he liked it that way. People just always managed to bring attachments and strings. Even still, He couldn’t cut off his pack. I mean don’t get him wrong, he loved those idiots and would do anything for them, but fuck, if they didn’t have the dumbest ideas and get themselves into the stupidest shit sometimes.

He knew his survival instinct told him to just ignore the feelings he had for you and act like nothing happened to protect himself. It’s not like you had noticed anyways. But the wolf part of him loved the idea of having a mate. For the longest time, he had to sit around and watch his brothers find their mates and fall in deep love. He watched Seungcheol find Soonyoung first a few months after he had met him. Then Joshua found his mate, Mina, after a few weeks of knowing him. Even little Channie imprinted on his mate, Somi, after just two days of Jihoon being acquainted with him.

Before he knew it, it was just him left without one. They always seemed so… happy and he just… wasn’t. He didn’t mind of course. He was glad his brothers found happiness. But he soon came to realize how lonely being alone truly was. He’d see his pack and their mates do cute things and, his heart was struck with a dull pain that never seemed to lessen, and at the time he didn’t understand why that was. But when he saw you, he knew the whole time he was yearning for you. When he saw you, for once he didn’t completely loathe the idea of taking care of or protecting another person. Even if it meant becoming one of the “lovey people.” He saw you and, one bat of your beautiful eyelashes and he knew, he would gladly lay his life down for you. How could he not?

You were caring and kind, even if you didn’t like to show it. You held yourself high, even if you were small. You were little, but you were mighty. You were smart, yet funny. You hardly spoke, but when you did, it was always something memorable. You never seemed to hold your true self back. He already knew that you were Perfect for him, even if he’d hardly spoken to you. He just couldn’t help the sane part of him that was very weary of the whole situation.

As Jihoon debated his true feelings for you over his breakfast, the other wolves went and conversed with each other. They tried to speak to you too, but you never really had a lot to say. You preferred to listen, which they weren’t all that surprised at. Jihoon was the quiet, calm, smart wolf, so it’s no surprise that his mate was the same way. You’d both always seem to get lost in thought almost simultaneously. You’d both come back to Earth at the same time too, always with very similar excuses.

Though everytime your eyes met, you’d both look away, trying your best to hide the blushes that spread across both your cheeks. It was kind of cute and the pack loved that their brother wouldn’t have to be all alone any longer. He’d no longer have to just sit on the side lines while they all had the time of their lives. He now had you, even if you didn’t realize it yet. You could both be Lonely Together.

Another Author’s Note: I know this chapter is relatively short compared to the others I’ve written so far, but honestly, your girls tired as fuck. I work a full time job, go to school full time, and take care of a lot of my family’s household. Let’s just be lucky I can write at all. Plus, I wrote Wonwoo’s story earlier today too. So let’s just call it a success and I’ll write a better chapter for him next time!

(Updated 9/6)