#rn I'm stressed as fuck trying to organize everything

[florafight]

.

[eggsaladsandwhic]

Vash Headcannons (SFW and NSFW)

Follow my previous posts about the Poly Knives x OC x Vash CollegeAU fic I'm doing so here's some ideas I gotta dump.

SFW/General

Ecology Major vibes, is also getting an Ethics minor

Hates chemistry with a burning passion

Makes a lot of friends, but only hangs out with a few so he doesn't overwhelm himself

Nurodivergent Vash!

(He/They)! Or (They/them) either works

Doing a stem degree while having ADHD and anxiety sucks so much but Vash thrives in it somehow

College has really been flaring up his plant traits lately, has to call Rem or talk to Nai on the weekly for help (Though Nai just keeps telling him to stop repressing it)

Has to wear long sleeves or hoodie a lot to cover up the feathering leaves that pop out.

Vash doesn't realize it but it's anxiety that's causing it, but Nai started lending him some compression shirts and so it's gotten better

BUFF DADBOD VASH (this idea possess me)

He's gotten better with dealing with stress and no longer resorts to starving himself

GOES TO THERAPY(one of these twins gotta do it)

Between Nai's cooking, drinking on the weekends, and the amount of donuts this dude can eat he's living his best life

Works out when he gets the time and bowls competitively

Wants a significant other (Mates for life) but it's so hard, especially when starts thinking about the fact he's not human

Has a fear of having someone he really loves and then them finding out he's a plant and reacting negatively. Vash thinks Nai and him would likely have to move back to the facility with Rem. He doesn't want to uproot the lifestyle him and his brother have

Gets a little depressed about it, but is really good with having a support group on standby

Gets hit on at bars a lot but it always flys over his head or they're too pushy about it.

Wolfwood sets him up with dates once in a blue moon but it goes horrible or the girls just don't like him for more than his looks

Physical touch is this man's love language and he just wants someone he can lean on

Add someone who likes doing domestic activities?? Y'all are going to the courthouse next week

Wants to just curl up next to someone even platonically at this point

Has an agreement with Nai sometimes that they sleep in the same bed like when they were kids (Nai always grumbles about it but sleeps better that night anyway)

Nsfw Below 👇

OH SHIT OH FUCK

(NSFW)

So I did some research today and did y'all know that wild purple geraniums have a tendency to be Hermaphrodites

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS

Vash is a dual package (living the dream ong)

Plantussy and Plantdick combo meal

So I imagine that his dick would sit above his vulva and vagina? Testes would likely be internal (genuinely trying to form an anatomy basis I'm actually looking at a diagram rn)

As for his female organs I'd say he consented to a hysterectomy because it was causing growth issues (post op sucked but he figured it out)

Took testosterone for awhile until everything was functional

Became a lot more sexually comfortable with himself after this

6.5in prehensile tentacle dick, bumpy rounded ridges on the sides and little more on the girthy end

Has more of those downy soft petals that unfold during sex, and dick likely has a sheath because it's more fleshy (kinda like the inside of your mouth)

Hyperspremia and leaves a mess everytime he jerks off, squirts a lot too (probably got a dedicated bath towel at this point)

He has fucked himself with his own dick and usually prefers to

Owns quite a few sex toys and likes to experiment around a little bit

Goes from a Fleshlight, a regular dildo, has a couple fantasy ones, and anal and prostate toys

High sex drive, but can cum pretty quick (short recovery period, usually goes 3 rounds but can do more)

Rut is 10x worse too you'd be lucky to make it to the fridge

Makes sperm plugs during rut

SWITCH VASH(still a virgin though)

Desperate sex kinda guy, gets pussy drunk or cock dumb so easily, folds like a chair no matter what

Make him unfurl his wings out it means he trusts you so much

Please go down on him and absolutely devour him

Very sweet though and would definitely check in a lot (check in with him too it makes him feel fuzzy)

Has a sex awareness to not hurting you accidentally, during rut he's very nervous about it

Aftercare King (loves to shower or take a bath after)

More of a hickey giver than a biter

Usual kinks: Breeding, Pegging, Overstimulation, Cum play, cockwarming, Oral, Praise, Hair-pulling

Unusual: Blindfolding, Shibari(both ways around), Begging, wants to be degraded a little bit

Jesus my brain went wild there, I was doing research for some of this shit. Was supposed to be doing Geochemistry homework but this happened ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯. Anyways gn y'all I got a 9am.

[nikatyler]

Zeph 1.0

can't believe that yesterday i was like eh i'm not sure about that armor, it looks so good on them

(x)

oooh a pretty evil lady!

(x)

same girl, same, about everything that has ever happened to me

(x)

it's been 84 years (more like 16 hours) but i'm finally opening bg3 again ✨

i think i'll do some more goblin camp shenanigans today if possible 👀

ohhh right. essentially i've already murdered like half the goblin camp so now the other half of the camp is trying to murder me, huh?

Me: "ah yes I'm far enough" *the explosion hits Zeph and Zeph dies* *reloads* "ah yes now I'm definitely far enough" *the explosion hits Zeph again and Zeph dies again*

"yeah we've got this" *the entire party dies*

Fucking gnolls man

yeah it's been a long bloody day

HELLO SAY THAT AGAIN

hUH

jesus christ this man is h🫣rny

Okay so I'll go watch a baking show with my mum in a bit and then we're going back and doing da thing 😏

Sorry for not giving updates if you were looking forward to them, anyway a little thing I love is how everyone sleeps on their back. I do that and apparently that's weird to everyone around me? 😂🤨

I will literally be in my bed like 🧍‍♂️

(x)

newest development in my bg3-rotten brain

did i mention this game is doing things to me because it is doing things to me

(x)

Anywayyyy you know what time it is 😌

I may have just spent an hour organizing everyone's inventories and figuring out who gets what armor and all but we're good to go now I think

Explosive shrooms, yay 🤩

(x)

I'm 💀💀💀 I need to go to bed lmao

Okay so basically what happened um. I don't know how but it did. So I wanted to help Astarion. But I clicked the wrong thing. And I pushed him off the boat. And he died.

I RELOADED BUT HOW DID I EVEN DO THAT 😭😭

If there's one thing about me it's that I'll accidentally murder my favourite vampires

(x)

I love Zeph so much they're so prettyyyyyy

Kinda wanna make a modern day version of them in ts4 and have them interact with my other characters. They'd fit right in

(x)

hole hehe. hole

(x)

my bi ass is having a bit of a dilemma rn

(x)

gay gay gay they're in love your honor

HELL YEAH KISS

(x)

Raw footage of me during my latest combat

I was actually so stressed dude 😭 thankfully we made it through but ahhhhh

Does anyone else apologize to the characters when they get hurt? Like sorry lil guy in my computer I'm sorry I'm putting you through this I promise you'll make it out I PROMISE ah fuck you're getting hit again oh no sorry sorry ahhhh

So uh. The adamantine forge fight huh. 🙂

(x)

Granted it doesn't count ts4 correctly rn probably because I haven't updated yet but…yeah 😅😅

(also I have way more hours on ts4 actually, this is just since Jan 2023, I played through Origin/EA app before and then switched to Steam for reasons)

(x)

my fucking thoughts exactly, i hate this battle 😭😭 on a real note i relate to him so much when he's whining DUDE WE LIVE

i should've known he wouldn't take that as a good thing lmaoooooo dude creases when you smile is the biggest compliment smh

FREN!!!

(x)

oops

(x)

I'm sorry what

(x)

pwettyyyyy

(x)

I'm sensing that I may have messed up real bad in Last Light Inn yesterday...ooops

I should've reloaded to see if things could turn out differently but I've done a lot afterwards, idk if I wanna go back now 😂 No spoilers pls, that's something for me to figure out in my next playthrough

"ooops" people DIED 💀 people i had previously saved died 💀

(x)

You're never gonna believe who I murdered again

(x)

I'm fucking crying I need you to resurrect him you moron stop shaming Zeph for having a sex life Update we are so back lads

(x)

Funny how fast I went from "I think Zeph is mostly good, they just want to get rid of the parasite and help people along the way" to "actually fuck it darling you're so right some power would be nice"

(x)

Crying laughing sending this to my sibling who's in art school. On point

(x)

"eh we'll be fine i don't need bonuses" *rolls 1*

(x)

daddy Ketheric omg💀💀

(x)

uh anyway

(x)

this is the best they are the best 🥹

(x)

Don't be upset, I will reload, just don't be upset with me pleaseeee 😭

The "please a videogame vampire at all costs" disease is real I'm afraid

(x)

Uh oh it's almost 3am, tomorrow will be an eepy day, well it's worth it

(x)

I'm so close to having a funny number of hours played 🤭

(x)

Killed the workout, now let's kill this guy that I struggled with for half an hour. Almost killed my whole party in the process so I quit and decided to kill my legs instead 😂

(x)

[heroictoonz]

not going to comment on the ramcoa stuff? yeah thought not.

Crazy how I have a life and a job and didn't give a shit to respond to u when I'm busy n only scrolly tumblr idly but since u clearly got a thing for me ill bite cause you also need my opinions reexplained to you like a child

Also I googled ramcoa cause I didn’t know what that word means (i also didnt know what endo meant till like earlier this fuckin year cause everyone was being very loud and annoying about it) and all I got was "RAMCOA is an acronym for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse." which like. what the FUCK are you even talking about mind control? fucking ORGANIZED ABUSE this is like classic cult aligned shit how does this even relevant to endos and that stuff. please tell me this is a word or acronym for something else that google isnt telling me cause just genuinely huh

listen i took a look at the link u sent i dont wanna post that cause i dont want ppl harassing others on the internet like you seem to want but just for the love of fuck listen to me for two seconds like honest to god read my words and let them sink in

the post you sent me i have literally no context for to me it looks like a shit post. ive made jokes like that before and i need to reiterate that they are JOKES and i am NOT ENDO and i say shit for goofs cause to me and my friends its funny. whether it is or is not a joke is, honestly, not my business. I dont know that person personally i dont know their life i dont know their story so i dont set it as my mission to find people i dont agree with and flip my shit at them. again. life. job. no interest. im 24 and literally not my job to babysit other ppl on the internet i block who i dont like follow who i do and live on w my life (which. highly recommended for all. you too Chuck. makes life so much more livable)

in regards to ur stuff about misinformation the way I see it is people will spread bullshit about just about every topic under the sun. it is, once again, not my job to go around "um actually" everything on the internet. if someone asks me a question i answer if someone im directly talking to has wrong information i try to correct them

When it comes to a lot of people, however, not many of them want to change their minds on things. sometimes some people arent even at a point of their life to be open minded and listen. which, im not gonna stress myself out to correct someone else. Even i had a point in my life where i was so hardheaded and full of hate (it was a weird cringe culture group i was in and didnt think for myself and honestly i caused a lot of damage in that time of my life and even now I regret it. But man thats life. And like if i try to correct and if they dont listen i go okay and dip after a point (which, for you. is prob gonna be here. cause im gonna say all my thoughts here and be done with this conversation honestly also work is suuuuuper busy rn like fr wish me luck w this summer season sobs) theres a part of me that hopes you will either see reason with this reply and chill out or you will continue to disagree with me but at least for both of our sanity stop messaging me either way i wont be replying again to you just so you are aware

now im just gonna be so fucking blunt here. do i believe endo is a thing? (ie: people can be systems without trauma) honestly? i dont know! here is how i see it; im not a medical professional. I have an interest in psychology i have a copy of the dsm5 cause im a nerd (its with my law books. again. im a nerd.) but im no scientist. at the same time; i dont really trust medical professionals all that much? i would like to. really i would. but it always feels like so many of them dont take the time to actually try with diagnosis. too many people of color or fat people and shit like that always say that they are constantly misdiagnosed or ignored due to predigests. again, because i was born a girl i was never diagnosed properly when i was a kid. this happened twice actually! and even then ive had to deal with doctors and therapists who dont believe me even WITH a formal diagnosis to my name. ive had a therapist tell me that i DIDNT have bpd because i was, in her words, "too nice" and she refused to start me on cbd insisting the doctor was wrong. its scary as fuck honestly. plus, like i said in the last post, mental health is so under researched. which is also so scary to me. theres so much that doctors dont know. that WE dont know. theres so much that doctors get wrong. sometimes cause theyre only human and sometimes cause they willfully ignore patients.

so, the way i see it, is that maybe you can have a system without trauma or maybe you cant. i dont know personally and where i stand i dont know how much credit i would put to research done on a mental disability that is still to this day so disgustingly stigmatized and viewed as dangerous or scary. ive seen split. i know david haller (i like david haller but also every time i think about the live action show or how they really treat him as a character i sob in my little heart every fuckin day man fr) so to me i chalk it up to 'fuck if i know' and move on.

The other thing is that since i personally am not an endo in my head i also have no evidence to form a hard opinion on this at all. Again, my system DID come from trauma. In fact, for most of the system mates i can pinpoint exactly which traumas and/or parts of my life they came from (some i dont but i am also pretty sure im missing a very large chunk of my middle school memories so who the fuck knows) but honestly. if you have a hard opinion on the yes or no here thats fine youre intitled to your own opinion ig

but you shouldnt harass people on the internet or accuse them of being fake. this is what my problem is with anti-endos.

This has also been my like, whole side of this conversation. Which is why im really begging you to listen and read my words cause i very much think you are reading me wrong here. I literally couldnt give less of a shit about your personal opinion on this kinda stuff. Like i dont know you were not friends you’re a random anon on the internet. You disagreeing with me does not phase me one bit. I clearly have stuff to say but thats just cause i talk a lot and like to share my thoughts more than anything else. Honestly. You can send me a like one sentence question and ill accidentally reply with an essay. Have you SEEN the rants ive been on lmaooo

What does frustrate me, is that you feel the need to harass people and accuse people of faking stuff for attention with NO fucking thought. When you sent your first anon i can only assume its cause i reblogged my friend Wendy’s post about endos and syscourse (i hate syscourse so much but MAN that is a good fucking play on words it almost makes me mad lol) you asked if i had did/osdd and i said yes and you IMMEDIATELY went into my asks and accused me of being 1) an endo and 2) faking for attention despite that neither of those can be inferred by my answer especially when i 1) never once said I WAS endo personally (because. Again. Not) and 2) i specifically explained in my first response (thinking u were just a good natured random) that while, yes, i am a system, i dont talk about it very openly or much at all only vaguely mentioning it here n there on my personal blog when i feel the need or want on a specific topic (like when i made a joke post about being a system and watching RvB and the Meta who is this character that has a buncha AI crammed in his head). If anything, it makes you more fuckin wrong cause me NOT mentioning being a system almost ever shows more to the light that im NOT focusing on wanting attention or shit like that if anything i think i make more jokes about being autistic and trans. Are you gonna accuse me of being fake trans and fake autistic just for attention? Because i talk about it more? No, cause that would make like zero sense. (Unless u want to ig tho honestly i think being called a fake trans would be so funny as anon hate like genuinely that would make me snort i think. Guy who uses he/him and openly talks about having periods and shit like that accused as fake trans rguireghrhuigr)

To me, at least, you have already proven that your ideology is flawed. Your method of pointing out ‘fakes’ and ‘attention seekers’ is just really nonsensical. Either that or you do honestly have the reading comprehension of a five year old. The oooonly reason i could maaaaaybe see you thinking im ‘attention seeking’ is when I vaguely mentioned in the tags of that first post that I had a system specific blog however i also 1) do not advertise it nor did i put the name of it on that post OR ask you to follow it and 2) admitted that its barely ever used. Again, still making no sense to your accusation

And like, honestly, at the end of the day, accusing people you dont know on the internet just by random posts they post or terminology they identify with for being fake is just so, in your own words, gross. You dont know these people’s lives. You dont know what they’ve been through. Again, completely ignoring whether you can or cannot have system without trauma my original long response talked about how the person identifying as endo might actually have trauma and not know/recognize it as such and by harassing them you are only making everything worse for them. You LITERALLY do not know these people. You dont know me and you made that very clear when you were so crushingly wrong about me by literally just the second anon you sent.

As someone who deals with the anxiety and fear that i am secretly a fake and dont know it, not just about being a system but like. A SHIT ton of stuff in my life, it does not help when random fucking people come accusing me of that exact fear. Going back to that therapist who tried to tell me she didnt think i had bpd it took me SO FUCKING LONG to accept i did in fact have bpd after that. And it was fucking painful to deal with mentally. When every sign in the motherfucking book pointed to YES i have this thing but all it took was ONE woman with a degree to tell me i was ‘too nice’ and suddenly my world fell apart. I no longer felt like i had a name to the feelings and thoughts i was suffering from. Dude that shit SUCKS it is SO painful and stressful. Like literally, please, for the love of all that is holy, do not inflict that on others. You might think youre bringing justice in some weird way but theres a higher chance that you are hurting people just as much as you seem to think endos cause hurt.

Now, because i know you SO DESPERATELY wanna know my opinion on the post you sent in the unanswered ask, honestly? I dont know how much i agree with that persons post. Like. Playing in the field of maybe that was an honest to god opinion and not just like a joke they were making, really not sure how i feel about it. In my opinion, i wouldn’t be running around trying to get my brain to spawn in more little fuckers to deal with. But i also have a lot of mixed feelings about being a system and my headmates. For one i dont get along with all of them, and not all of them get along with each other. Shits really annoying and in some extreme cases stressful as fuck. Every time something new pops into existence, I’ll be real, im kinda scared. I dont know how things will once again change or shift. And my head is just a single head. Its one brain that now has to deal with so much going on i get a lot of headaches and dissociate sometimes even in the middle of doing things or talking to people cause shit will just randomly become chaos (tho im sure other mental things attribute to all that too here n there idk) but I wouldn’t say i hate being a system. I also dont think id ever wanna do that like fuse therapy shit and get rid of the others. Both out of a fear of losing myself and a fear of losing some of them. That shit sounds kinda scary to me. And where, yeah theres some that i dont get along with, there are others that i do get along with! And love a lot! I jokingly call some of them my siblings cause a lot of them have been around since i was a little kid (tho ill admit for a while I thought i just had a REALLY strong imagination and that for some reason my imaginary friends kept talking to me even as an adult till i finally realized hm. Maybe this is not the case. Lol) so like ya you’ll never see me honest to god saying ‘man i wish i had MORE random bastards in my head’ but like, thats just me

I’ve met so many systems and a lot of them are different. I’ve met some that WANT to fuse (i dont think thats the word they use for that therapy but i just got home from a stressful 8 hours on The Grind so I can’t think words all too well lol) ive met people that LOVE being a system people who hate it people who are pretty indifferent to it. I’ve met systems who are have a different person fronting every day ive met systems where you almost never see or hear from the others and its just primarily the host that takes charge. So many different people feel differently about the same things. That’s just life. But I am not gonna use ONE post randomly shown to me to 1) make an assumption on someone (especially something as harmful as faking) or 2) as a valid reason to harass them. Especially not when the person showing the post to me has only acted hostile towards me. Like honestly. Genuine tip here, being rude and mean to people is not how you try to change their minds or try to educate them on something. Walking into my house and telling me im the fake hedgehog just cause of one post and one answered ask and then trying to tell me im wrong is like so not the way my guy fr

I’m pretty sure ive said my entire peace on the matter here. So yeah, again if you send me any more anons i wont be answering them. I’m saying this just to try and save you some time and also some peace of mind. Honestly, please block me. Please forget my existence and go live your life. Its honestly worrying how you have now spent like two days in my anons about this shit, like i am not even joking like the joke is over please please please finish reading this, block me, and go watch one of your favorite comfort movies and smile i mean this so seriously

[henrike-does-writing-sometimes]

HENRIKE!!! i’m sorry life is being shit rn 🫂🫂 i would love to know more about ruben and anruh’s backstories before they meet each other—friends and family they have (or struggle with) and that kind of stuff! or their favorite things to do together/favorite things about each other

would also love to hear fucking ANYTHING about the divine boys im love them sm it’s Unreal

Ren my beloved <3<3<3<3 !!!

sorry this took a while, today's been rough lmao

Here are some Ruben and Anruh backstory bits (that I can think of for now);

Ruben is in his second year of high school, where he studies nature science. The story is set during the spring term, meaning he's 17 turning 18 (February 20th).

His happy stims include hand flapping, bouncing, and a slew of vocal stims like shrieking and humming. Humming, along with rocking, is also what he does when stressed or overstimulated.

Him and his friends play DnD together and he basically always plays Wood Elf Druid because it best aligns with his special interests lmao.

While I have yet to fully figure out his parents, I do know of his older sister, who I've spoken about before; Karin ! (pronounced like car-in). She's 7 years older and managed to avoid eldest daughter syndrome, good for her.

She is, however, both dismissive and overbearing, leading to the two of them having a lot of fights.

Karin works as a Ranger which, while not affiliated with the police, functions in similar ways just out in the wild and dealing with mythical beings. And with none of the racism and shot-first mentalities.

Anruh is 4 years older than Ruben, making her 21 during the story then 22 on September 3rd. (however, whenever I write kink-related content of these two they're 25 and 29 or older)

She works with silviculture and is one of the few to do night shifts, practically being alone in her region. There are reasons for this, but I kinda want to keep those secret for now.

Those things are also the reason she kills. Urroa's are omnivores, but Anruh's basically been a full-on carnivore since she was 6 when she first killed.

She likes poetry, and as a kid it was her dream job. She still dabbles in it, but is happy with working in the woods.

Her dad is named Freryn and he's everything. Before Ruben he was the only one who was patient with her. He brings her food and checks in on her when she's been isolating for too long <3

This is not backstory, but fun fact ! Because of their antlers, urroa shirts lace up in the back

As for the Divine Boys, I've for one realized that the way I've so far written their fighting styles is influenced by their hobbies/sports. Rei's a gamer so he's a quick and strategic thinker. Andie's a cheerleader so they do a lot of jumping and spinning and flipping. Timothy does ballet so he's light and graceful. Nico skates so he's quick and more aware of his surroundings. Mike's an archer so his fighting is long-ranged.

This was wholly unintentional but I love it sm.

I've also figured out what the Circus' deal is; ORGAN HARVESTING ! But with a twist, it's about the 'core' of a person. Kinda like the soul. So they basically lure people to their circus, wear them down little by little, then swipe the people who are ripe for the picking.

I also need to draw them again <3

I'm currently trying to get into The Divine because I feel the urge, but yeah things are happening alot lol

[phoenix-angel-suyari]

Y'all, I can't

I know we've all heard me say this before, but I literally cannot handle this anymore. My medical team have flat out told me I need to seriously destress. It's too much for my body.

I'm bleeding internally and have been for months now. They know this because my blood tests keep coming up more anemic than the last, my white blood cell levels are high, and other fluid checks keep turning up the presence of blood. I have had every fucking test over the last three months and they can't find the bleed. Waiting on camera results from like two weeks ago. Which is fun. I want them to find something to fix. I explained to my therapist and my psychiatrist that not having something to fight makes this whole process worse.

Not that I need something else to fight. But, it'd fucking help to know what's happening.

I've lost all interest in food. Literally, want nothing to do with it. I eat because I have to eat so I can maintain my blood sugar levels and for meds. But, even that takes so much energy. I just end up eating whatever feels less likely to make me sick just thinking about it, then adapt to account for what is and is not available in the house. Why has food become my enemy? Who the fuck knows. My medical team sure as hell doesn't.

I'm losing weight, but I have weight to spare, so that's not the worst. No, it's the fact that I've had DEPRESSION hair healthier than whatever the fuck's going on rn. I'm EXHAUSTED all the time. Literally every major organ is pulling some bullshit. I am on meds for all the things. But, meds alone can't fix what's going on. As every medical professional on my roster has gone on and on about. Repeatedly. Like I don't get it. Like I'm not trying. Like it's in any way achievable in the place I'm currently mired in.

My family, of course, remains stubbornly, willfully, intractably ignorant of my situation and my pleas despite me literally, explicitly stating that I cannot keep on like this.

I can't work because of organ complications. No work means no money. No money means having to negotiate and sacrifice and just go without for stretches sometimes. I have exactly .5 in my bank account and that's going to end up negative sometime this week. Yet, I'm still expected to care for young children, attend to older children, clean a house that is not mine and care for an ailing aunt with rapid onset aggressive alzheimer's/dementia. All for no pay, no compensation, no thanks and nothing but grief and harassment when I literally cannot scrape enough energy together to completely push through all my own shit and attend to everyone else and their needs/wants/desires. Everything I do is not the right thing, naturally. And everyone has SOMETHING to say about the state of my health and/or life (especially the lack thereof) while offering zero actual assistance or support - even emotionally, even just by being available. I keep getting bullshit like, "Well, what're you gonna do?" And, "What do you want me to tell you?" And, "You just have to take it and move on."

Three years of straight therapy working to not do that. Three years of therapy growing strong enough to not just give in and to tell people no and a whole host of other things, and now more of this shit. My new therapist is worthless for this kind of stuff. Have a new psychiatrist because my last one left. I am so fucking touch starved I feel sick over any physical contact that isn't with someone too young to care for themselves or an animal. And despite me constantly asking for something, anything all I get is ignored or gaslit or attacked.

There's nothing left for me to attempt for stress relief. I spend most of my time doom scrolling on tik tok because it's the only space that feels in any way engaging or relaxing any more. And I have all this drive to change things, but no way to actually see any, let alone all of it to fruition.

All this to say, my stress levels are incredibly high. I am not okay by any stretch of imagination or definition of the word. And at the rate I'm going, I will probably die from it before anything else happens. Which, btw, is not me being dramatic. That's straight out of several medical professionals mouths. Provided, of course, I do not do a hard reset, which, yeah.

Anyway. Just needed to rant for a bit. Thanks anyone who made it this far. I appreciate you.

[motherhenna]

Does anybody have advice for the situation I'm in rn? Currently dealing with my friends inviting someone I genuinely don't get along with to an event I'm trying to organize.

On one hand, I'm a reasonable adult who wants to avoid being petty. I don't like confrontation, nor do I want to make my male friends think I'm some sort of toxic pick-me type because the person I don't vibe with happens to be a woman.

On the other hand, she just also happens to be the only woman in my former MFA group that I don't like. She's civilized and surface-level friendly to me, but has never shown interest in interacting with me when its not in a large group even though I've tried to get to know her in the past, and has legit never invited me to any of the numerous parties she's thrown even though we have a large number of mutual friends. There's no excuse of shyness, either, as she's quite extroverted, forward, and opinionated every time I've seen her in action.

Now, I'm not broken up about this in isolation, seeing as I don't really care if one of my peers doesn't particularly like me: I'm not a teenager anymore lol. I can be a loud, talkative, quirky person in social settings, so I fully recognize I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and I don't expect to be invited to every single party people in my MFA throw. It's just awkward because I'm guessing my friends didn't realize this dynamic was going on, and have taken it upon themselves to invite her to the firework viewing I've been planning with them for the last week, which was originally just going to be me, my roommate, and two of my male friends. If they'd invited a bunch of other people including her, I wouldn't really care. But I'm just stressed that the energy's going to be ruined because I fucking suck at being fake and pretending I like someone I don't for long periods of time.

And now that I've let one of said guys know this over text in a very non-confrontational but honest way, it's been crickets and I'm worrying that I'm coming across as, like, bitchy and possessive or something of that sort. Am I in the wrong? Should I have just shut up and let them invite her to everything even though she's never done the same for me? And was I wrong to express to one of them my concerns about her not liking me and excluding me from parties in the past?

[patchesproblem]

Patches actually rambles. None of this makes sense I'm so sorry in advanced.

Posting this on here instead of twitter because I talk enough on twitter. My twitter followers get to see my insanity more, but honestly kinda prefer typing everything on Tumblr since I'm not limited to the word limit.

But I'm just thinking of Einslas rn and just want to scream about them so badly. I'm sorry I legitimately don't know why I've just been going feral over these two lately. They have done more for my mental health than the things that are supposed to fix the chemical imbalance.

ALSO Some of this might be ooc but idc. It's almost one in the morning let me have my moment.

Rambling under the cut

This is mostly coming about because I want to write fluff but I can't figure anything out that isn't just them being cute and gay so I'll ramble a little on here and then go write them being cute and gay. Fluff without plot surpremacy <33

Anyways. I'm just thinking about how Einstein still acts like her old self around Tesla. Like it legitimately brings me so much joy knowing that they both haven't been completely destroyed because of their circumstances. I'm just thinking about her randomly going 'today's Tesla is cuter than normal' just to confuse Tesla and catch her off guard at random intervals. She waits literal years just to say that to fuck with her. I just know it. She's committed at this point.

Also Einstein just randomly being affectionate and Tesla can't do anything because as embarrassed as she is she doesn't want to shoo her away. It's literally just "I will KILL YOU!" Einstein just casually leans on her smiling. "Really now?" and Tesla just sits there staring at her.

I think I've mentioned it somewhere before but Tesla legitimately loves affection she just doesn't know how to actually react too it. Like when she comes up to Ein first then normally she's fine, but if Einstein randomly comes up to her and starts being affectionate she just kinda short circuits. Though she also just short circuits if anyone is around to witness it because the great and powerful Nikola Tesla refuses to be seen as 'vulnerable.' She says this as if the entire organization doesn't know how gay those two are but hey whatever helps her sleep at night.

Also I was thinking about it earlier and god.. Tesla probably isn't amused with how cold it normally is in their room but deals with it because she loves Ein and knows how badly she over heats. Being slightly cold is a small price to pay for your wife to not die of a heat stroke. She probably sleeps right up against her anyways so it's not that bad. Also probably has an extra blanket over herself because she's cold but we won't talk about that.

Also just them being soft little idiots and caring for each other is sending me rn. Like Ein see's how stressed and upset Tes is and just goes out of her way to intentionally do things to make her feel better to where she's comfortable enough to talk and it's justajofaofjao

Not even taking into account Tesla trying to comfort Ein and being extra about it all. Like she'll stay up all night just to make sure that she'll be okay, and refuses to sleep until she knows she's asleep. They're losers I say. Losers.

Also they probably have pictures of them as their phone wallpapers. I don't know why I just 100% believe they do. Einstein also has a matching phone charm of Tesla to go with Teslas phone charm (she canonically has this. I'm not joking) of her. They coordinate everything just trust me.

Einstein also probably just lays with Tesla while she waits for her dumbass to wake up. Not all the time, obviously. But she'll just lay there like ".. Well this is my life now." She's stupid. Idiotic, even. Dumbass in love with another even bigger dumbass.

Also just thinking about how they probably do each others make up semi-often. It's more closer to Einstein doing Tesla's make up since she doesn't really wear it to work because she simply doesn't care as much, but Tesla has done hers in the past. She will prop her wife up on a pedastool and make sure she girlbosses her way through life.

Also just them laying down together at night just fjaojfoafjoajfoa

Tesla just laying right up against Ein and just passing out five seconds later and Ein just sitting there glad that this is her life and running her fingers through the others hair as she sleeps. Just stupid idiots. Even when she just randomly threatens her in her sleep she's just like "Aw, look at her. That's the love of my life" meanwhile Teslas mumbling something with murderous intent. Like "I will fucking kill you if i get my hands on you. You're going to experience the fartherest extent of pain known to man kind." (Talking about Otto. Nightmares am I right.)

Like I know I'm just spewing nonsense but lieknfajofjaofjaodfjapfja

Einstein just loves everything Tesla does!! Even if it means she just destroyed an important government building!! She supports lesbians rights AND MOST IMPORTANTLY WRONGS!!!

Tesla just loves literally everything Einstein does even if it drives her up a wall!! Even when she's embarrassing her she doesn't even mind just because it's her. Even when she's intentionally being affectionate in front of others just to mess with her she literally can not be mad over it. SHe knows that she's messing with her and she'd be lying if she said she hated it. Girl fell in love with her because she's an actual menace to society and to everyone around her.

Okay I'm shutting up now it's almost one in the morning.

[darlingpwease]

shh shshshsh– im happy you do like my writing tho :))) you sound like my friends like that, but it's pinching with them lol

Oh, well I guess we do all do different things for 'me' time. My brain usually shuts off when I do those things lol,, I'm glad that what you do is helps shut off ur brain for a bit :)) I do hope ur work isn't too stressful (I couldn't even forget it rn even if I tried 😒) was it really in yesterday's post?? The only thing I can think of that was somewhat smooth was the Yuuta addiction thing???? Idk–

(I feel like I've aged 10 years because of this haha :')) /hj I know that some of the group members wouldn't be pleased but I'm to drained to really care atm. Good news? We managed to do quite a lot yesterday and now we're just organizing everything. Bad news?? We're all super fucking exhausted and are still stressing that we have a very short amount of time for post. bunny face?? I do, but when you go around being too sweet, of course I get at least a few from you >:(( /t)

I slept in so I think thats a good thing, right?? Once I finish this I'm gonna sleep as much as I can.

...ah... WORM???

I do try to be flexible lol, but I really do like that!! I love when colors mix together well, but things such as earthy tones, nude tones, pastel ones, just soft and/or nature-like colors in general I guess?? are some of my favorites. But I really like different shades of them too,, I also like how they all can correlate to some things or match with things as well, I could go on lmao /neu What?? Of course not!! Do I have to reiterate what I said??? /ht

I can't tell which one would be worse <//333– probably the first one times a trillion well of course I'd stay with the box. I think dying in it would be unsightly tho

-panna cotta

ajshjs don't shush me!!! i'm in great sadness, fruitcake wrote to me again, ahahah, do I have to read and be touched again??? how awful :(((( 🤨🤨🤨 look at him, he looks as if he immediately switched from an anxious mood to a complacent one🤨 that is, it's not pinching with me??? I, I feel betrayed; I will try to follow their example!!! obviously, someone (ex. cocotta) react to the method of punishment more than to encouragement, which is very contrary to what the modern school of management says, you know? it's outrageous 3:<<< /t /hj

... you doing??? my brain calms down only when I don't allow anything to analyze or reflect,,,, If I have to communicate or think about myself, it's always making plans and calculating the best moves — especially if it's games or future... on the other hand, I think if you used your brain more, you would be more tired & would understand the principle of sleep, — and would be taller, — so your brain is more of a curse😔 /t /j [work in the sense of "brain activity", not in the sense of "somewhere where they get money or work experience" — I can still afford the life of a rake😋 not counting volunteering, donating blood, working with some documentation...] (I could say the same about our past messages, but given your forgetfulness, I'm afraid I have to make sure that you remember that you sent me a message yesterday🤨🤨🤨) ... wow, is that your social skills & hint recognition getting... better?😦😧😯😲 impossible...... /t /hj /pos

(apparently, now you're the senior sibling instead of me, huh? /t /j well... but this is the experience of working in a very short time. most deadlines at work will sound like "when did we have to do work?" "yesterday," so it's good if you get that kind of experience early, even if it's, um, not the best way to get it</3 just make sure you're not trying to go ahead of the engine and rest, okay? don't make me crawl out of the blanket to carry you there<//3 yes, a bunny face. when you look with frightened innocent eyes, as if you are trying to convince everyone around you with a more temperamental personality to "attack" you; I'm sure when you're nervous and scared, you make that face ://// /t /hj me? sweet? didn't you tell me I was a 'rotten crumb'? so fickle, so fickle~ don't blame me when we both know it's you too sweet<333 /t)

... does this mean that you will sleep 'a lot' or 'a little'??? because in your case, it has a lot of interpretations, even if I'm sure that this cocotta brain probably assumes "a lot" — I know how cunning you are, I can't let you slip like that ://///

you were caught by the tail of course!!! don't you remember how you agreed to become a worm~?<3333 /100% srs & 100% gen hehehe silly forgetful panna cotta >:3333 /t /j /nsrs

... peacemaker<///333 yes, yes, I realized that you are harmless and accept and love any color & shade, stop being so sweet</3 I myself am about to start caries from you</333 /t /j /nsrs pastel shades and gold are the best honestly but what about snails?🤨🤨🤨 what did you say? what won't you say when you have someone??? I can't trust your words — what if I kiss the already taken panna cotta??? I can't be an 'other crumb', I'd rather be not-kissed and lonely, but proud</33333 /t /j

because it's not one of them!!! I know you don't mind, hey, don't be shy<333 we haven't sorted out your clothes yet and the fact that people are naked under their clothes, so don't be so timid, we still have so much to discuss<3333 /t /j wrong. none of them. you didn't pass this test 3:<<< ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? ??? why??? aren't my pocket and my hands better??? I'm going to recognize this as tyranny and insubordination, besides the fact that you've already shown how unfaithful you are!!! 3:<<<<<<

[blorbologist]

26 and 37

26. You must swap one nat 1 die roll with one nat 20 die roll. They must both be from the main campaigns, but can be cross-campaign. Which are they, and why?

Ooooof, how dare you make me have to do research for this? :vvv

See, I'm torn between making them both of similar magnitude or pulling a cheap shot and taking a nat 20 that didn't matter much to swap for a nat 1 that did matter.

Okay, let's take two important ones and make them both WORSE, because I'm a bastard

For the 1 -> 20, hmmm let's say Caleb trying to persuade Essek to pretty please let him invite mages that want to kill them both onto this expedition. Gives Liam his bisexual maelstrom early, and it would so badly fuck with their dynamics. Would Caleb backshift into bad coping mechanisms? Would Essek call him out? Would Trent or Astrid or Wulf try to kill either of them? What the fuck! Just about one of the few times I think a high roll would actually be worse for everyone involved. Another that came to mind was Kaylie's initial confrontation with Scanlan. (A good one to turn into a 20 would be the Sunken Tomb 'Sam immediately jokes it's instant death and SIKE IT IS', because it would change SO MUCH of the campaign.)

For the 20 -> 1 :) well since you got me in an angsty mood :) True Love's Nat 20 made into True Love's Nat 1. Even if the roll had succeeded over-all thanks to the other contributions, I can't see Percy coming back if he didn't hear Vex specifically. We'd have Molly in Campaign 1. Vex might do something reckless and Briarwoods-esque to bring him back (winks loudly at Nova). Completely derail everything. (Of course, there's any number of villain Nat 20s turning into Nat 1s would likely be huge net positives, but I don't feel like researching any more than I already have :V)

37. You have to take a 16 hour road trip with one NPC from each campaign (all at once, ie, three other people). The NPCs cannot shorten the road trip in any way and the road trip must be via driving but you can do it in two 8 hour days and share a motel room if you'd like. Who do you pick?

... I read this as PC at first FUCK ME. Including the two I'd written for PCs + why I didnt pick my fav under the cut as a lil bonus.

a) Essek. Okay, hear me out: yes he is a war criminal, but he's also dealt with trying to get grant money and as someone procrastinating on two deadlines rn? mood. I'd poke his brain for hours about blasphemous magic if I could. Also, soup is cheap for when we're done for the day and an easy meal. I think he'd either be a perfectionist backseat driver or a panicky one and either way the research talk is worth it to me ok. I'll survive.

b) Vesper - never said specials were excluded, and she IS in her 30s by this point in the timeline! We have no clue about her personality, but I think, given her family, she's likely very smart and good conversation. Has money to throw at any problems we run into. Also allows me to get De Blorbo lore without wanting to throttle her dad. If she doesn't count because she's a Baby in the oneshot she's in, I guess Cass? Look I adore her but I worry she's never driven a day in her life + trauma + is a noble would make her a pain in the ass to be stuck in a car with, BUT I love her enough I'd take it in stride For Her.

c) Imahara Joe. Look! He's a vibe! If anything goes wrong he can fix it! He can keep conversation going! I have huge Mythbusters nostalgia!

a) Caleb! I think we could talk about our respective cats for hours, or I'd hope we could, and talk magic-science, and Keen Mind would make keeping rest stops/the time/maps/etc. in mind a breeze. And if he isn't up to talk he would just! be quiet! and read a book! which is good for my stress brain! And if both of us are overstimmed that's a 50% vote on getting people to turn the music fucking down so we can relax.

b) Fjord, actually? He's captn' Tusktooth, he knows how to organize a voyage and what goes into sharing cramped quarters with other people for hours on end and how to keep distracted and not kill eachother. Plus, Star Razor is a convenient flashlight if ever. His music selection would also likely be fun to sing as a whole car together - shanties or good roadtrip songs.

c) oufff this one's hard.

(I'm Not saying Percy because so help me I'd want to throttle him within the hour. Beau would bully me I think. Both are also so hot and my favs I think I'd die and be incapable of driving. Laudna would also make Noises with her Existing and I think I'd lose my marbles, sorry babe :c)

[reversewerewolf]

it's been a really long time since i've made one of these posts but i need to scream into the void because i am completely beyond my limit to deal rn and it needs out. cw for general negativity, hopelessness, brief mention of parent suicide (long time ago, i'm fine)

i seriously do not know what to do anymore. six months later i am STILL in the process of moving into my mother's house (it's slow going because we are both multiply disabled). we're both living well below the poverty line already, but apparently her credit is so bad and she's so in debt that she's also in danger of losing the home that i am ACTIVELY moving in to.

neither of us can afford to pay our bills already, and she's somehow convinced that everything is going to be ok and it will be easier when we're living together, even though i've been living off the very generous donations of friends and strangers for... close to a year at this point? probably more? and all of this is already after she used the entirety of my savings (tens of thousands of dollars, without my knowledge or permission, but i don't have the energy to be mad about it) to pay back taxes so neither of us ended up homeless. it's not even fully her fault, like, she doesn't have a retirement fund because my dad cashed it out and spent it all on teenage sex workers before he killed himself some years ago and then she spent three months in the hospital last year due to medical negligence and she was basically in an induced coma for a month of that, and it took months more to recover, and she STILL needs surgeries to fix what they fucked up, but like... it's kinda frustrating! lmao!

my brother is selling his house and lending her what she needs to get back to zero while i struggle to get my (and many of her) belongings out of here and into her house, but my god, i don't know how much longer i can live like this. i can't get a job, i'm too disabled to even START a disability application, my temp jobs suck the life out of me when they bother to actually set me up with the work they supposedly want to do, nearly every fucking day i have to decide between groceries or medication for me, or taking care of my pets, or trying to keep the electricity on so puppy and i don't get heatstroke.

like i straight up can't do this for god knows how many more years. i have never made enough money to live off, and i'm never going to, because i don't have a degree, i don't have any marketable skills, i don't have the ability to act "normal" enough to get a steady job, i don't have the ability to regulate my mental health and emotions enough to function in a society that already wants me dead. i can't live off of the generosity of other people for the rest of my life and i don't want to, it fucking sucks, it makes me feel guilty and nasty, but i just NEVER see this getting better. i'm so stressed out that i can't even just ENJOY things to distract myself from how fucked everything is anymore. therapy isn't helping. medication isn't helping. it's affecting me physically at this point, not just from the stress, but because i can't afford healthy food to manage my diabetes, and it's affecting my organs lmao. i just don't fucking know what to do anymore. i really don't. i can't imagine it ever getting better, only worse, and i'm so fucking tired.

[chaoticbitchywitch]

I have a lot going on and I really jus need to organize my thoughts. If you read this and have any advice I'd love to hear it 🥰

Issue One: My Grades

My grades are pretty important to me, but I missed a lot of school all in a row bc of TSA and Robotics. I currently have 4 C's, 1 B, and 3 A's but I want to at the v least have all A's and B's. I have a two options.

1. Focus on my lowest grades and jus accept B's so I don't kill my mental health

2. Kill my mental health (more) and try to get as many all the way up to A's.

But wait! There's more!

Issue Two: My Activities

I'm in robotics, TSA (Technology Student Association) and band.

My band director is leaving. Tomorrow is the teacher appreciation assembly and some of the band is playing a piece for her, but I was planning on doing homework instead of going to the assembly. I can either go to the library or go to the assembly. I don't wanna go to the assembly but I wanna play for my director bc she means a lot to me. I might be able to leave after but idk fs.

In robotics, we're preparing for next season and the state comp that we're hosting. There's really not much going on there rn at least, but the season jus finished.

In TSA, I made nationals in two events so I have that in June. I need to prepare for the events, but it's kinda stressful.

Band is the biggest activity rn obviously, but the others are still important. And I have all my homework and studying for tests still. And that brings be to my third issue.

Issue Three: Tests, Exams and Finals

I'm in AP US History, and that exam is 10 May, but I don't feel prepared at all. I have Algebra II, Chemistry and ELA EoC's that I have to study for. I have finals in Principles of Engineering, Civil Engineering and Architecture and Spanish. Both language courses are the most difficult for me, but I also have higher priorities (the more impactful ones like the AP exam, etc) that I would rather focus on. I don't have time to study for everything.

Issue Four: Family Bullshit

Since Feb, there's been some issues w my dad. I'm not gonna go into a lot of detail but I've been at my grandparents house. It's been really difficult mentally, emotionally and physically. It's been affecting my grades a lot and I haven't been able to sleep.

Issue Five: Summer

I've been wanting to apply to a new job so I get paid $14 or $15 rather than $12.80 but my mom is v against me working there bc it's farther away than where I currently work, it would be way more enjoyable. A few of my friends work there and the pay is better, so idrc that it's 15 minutes farther or sum like that. I also don't like the people I currently work w and there's a lot of drama (drugs at work (I'm a life guard why are you high at work thats actually fucking stupid), relationships and sex and cheating (as you'd expect from a job filled w high schoolers), people not doing their job, etc.) I jus think it would be a better work environment.

The other problem is summer school. I'm gonna be doing pre calc over the summer bc I wanna take calc next year so I can take higher level physics my senior year. One of my friends also did that last summer and he said it was hell and moved really fast, so I'm kinda worried abt that. He also said it wouldn't leave a whole lot of time for other things, which I believe. Idk I'm jus stressed abt it.

So yeahhhh. I've been having a lot of fun recently. I'm hella stressed and idk what to do. Yayyy. Love my life.

Anyway, if you're still here, thank you for reading. If you have any advice, I'd love to hear it 🥰🥰

[jinhogwarts]

feeling very... idk. not bad, exactly, just helpless and tired and not sure how to feel rn.

yesterday was such a lovely day, like i didn't really do much but i got a lot of birthday wishes from people i love (including surprise flowers from my parents which was very nice)...

so idk why today i'm feelinf so shit...

i was gonna do stuff i didn't wanna do yesterday, unpacking and organizing (i can't remember if I mentioned it here but we moved house on saturday), going to get groceries, and working on my assignment for uni. i also have a meeting with my therapist in the afternoon, and a wedding in the evening.

i organized a bit of stuff about an hour ago, but even after working for only like 15 minutes, my body really gave up. i got so breathless, and my stomach hurt (from bending down to pick up stuff)... i'm only 6 months pregnant but i already feel like i physically can't do a lot. tbh i've been feeling physically shit since the start, like i get breathless so quickly, can't walk fast (or even like, normal speed), i'm tired all the fucking time... i know pregnancy isn't all fun and rainbows but my god i didn't think i will feel this shit for 6 consecutive months. everyone says the secons trimester is the easiest, you feel great and glowing, but i haven't felt that AT ALL, the only thing that got better was not having nausea anymore but other than that, everything else got even worse. i'm 2.5 weeks from getting into the third trimester, which is good because it means i'm getting close to the end, but also i'm so scared because how much worse can it get? i'm already struggling so much...

idk, i just got into such a bad mood over not being able to do such simple stuff i needed to do, and now i've completely wasted a whole hour feeling like i'm about to breakdown instead of doing the thing i CAN do which is to work on my assignment. i'm trying not to panic over it since my deadlines are getting closer and i'm nowhere near where i wanted to be, i only have half of one assignment done. i'm just so tired and stressed all the time and i can't concentrate on anything...

idk, i'm not even sure why i'm writing all of this, i'm just feeling very low today.

[jamieloveslearning]

Here's the ramblings from my notes. I find it really hard to organize my thoughts in a linear way, and so I KNOW that they're disorganized but I don't know how to organize them:

I USED that. I USED the excuse of my mind being hazy so I didn't have to take control. If I don't have control, if I just stay limp and emotionless and (oh my god my thoughts are so loud rn they're like the only thing existing g and it's like a storm that whips around more like a tornado actually and I haven't felt this way in a LOOOOONG time it feels like when I used to write down in my journal and I'd have a revalation or something, so honed in its really wild) so if I don't have control nothing is really my fault, the failure of not doing anything for so long, for falling into that slump in 2020 and really rewiring my brain in a lot of ways, trying to cope with the immense amounts of stress. It's not that the brain fog isn't real and doesn't hinder me but I have given in and let myself use it in order to cope, not unlike dissociation. Fuck this might literally just be dissociation but this is more nuanced looking into it.

But when I AM in control, and everything is flying past and my thoughts are so fast they don't even feel like they're me in that I'm the one doing things but that's okay it's like I've got my own mini support system and it's myself lol

So not only does the meds help, the monster drinks help, but what also REALLY helps is reminding myself that I AM totally and wholly capable of doing the things that I want to do. It's like, so simple, but I just had to get there my own way, fire those neurons in the right order in order for it to TRULY make sense to me.

I'm learning how to live and I have to keep reminding myself that I'm alive and I'm a human with agency and choices I keep forgetting it but I'm also slowly REMEMBERING it with more and more frequency, I'm rewriting those pathways.

I am my own person whole in and of itself I've been drilled over and over with "less of me, more of you god" "empty myself so that I may have more of your spirit". I was brainwashed. I TRIED to be empty. But I don't like it, god doesn't take its place, nothing does, so now I have space to fill. And I can fill it however I damn well please.

(REMINDER: reading for hours on end gets my mind working really well like pushing old dusty gears and then they start spinning out of control, wish there was some sort of middle ground but I guess that's why I've got a disorder lol)

[nashta]

Disclaimer: I'm not trying to complain or anything

I realize far too many people have it so much worse than I do, and I just need to put this out there or I'll cave in on myself. Also this post is a giant mess and I don't expect anyone to read it. So a few months ago, I started a new job where I'm working on Friday and Saturday until close (0300). My friend who will be moving in this week or next in place of my mom (oh yeah she's leaving the state) is my ride to and from work, and he refuses to pick me up from those two shifts because he works the next morning. Understandable, I guess, but Uber is super expensive like the first ride I had was almost $40. I can't afford that twice a week. Luckily, another friend of mine is saving me and will be my ride home until she goes to boot camp in February. Anyway, I feel lifeless. I'm not eating anything like I should and I have no energy and school is starting soon and I'm under immense amounts of stress and sacrificing more of myself than I have to sacrifice. He complained about the work thing, saying he won't pick me up from that shift, which I kind of get, but he also said he wants his 2 days off to be reliable so he knows that he'll have a day or two to look forward to where he doesn't have to drive or wake up or anything. Again, I get it, but here's the thing: you can't have both. You gotta either give up your guaranteed days off or a couple hours of sleep because I'm already not sleeping much/well, especially with school coming up. A full-time job on top of school that I'm fully responsible for? I will not be sleeping. A big-ass thing, a few months ago when he said he wouldn't pick me up from those shifts, I lashed out and said "how the fuck am I gonna eat with no job?" because yknow, anxiety, and he lashed back "don't you fucking dare try to guilt trip me." I wasn't trying to though, I was honestly just trying to express what my fears were. Literally ever since then, I refuse to tell him anything. I was often told I was a manipulative child, and maybe it's because I was "mature" for a child because manipulation, even after I learned what it was, was never my intent. But now, I can't tell him when something is wrong. I cry after a ton of shifts on the ride home almost the entire ride because honestly I have so much I need to just get OUT (hence this post) and so many things I'm afraid of and things I need him to do or at least listen to and understand. I need a hug and a cry and I need to know I'm safe and things will be fine and that someone gives a legitimate damn about me and my well-being because it really feels like no one in the world cares. Not enough, anyway. At this point now, someone just saying "I care" really isn't going to cut it. I'm not going to believe them, not really. I can consciously tell myself that, I can back it up with evidence and logic and things they've done to "prove" it, but I still won't feel it. He always wants to get home to his place, I understand, he's tired and wants to go, but I'm never okay. I'm so shot, during those times I'm crying in his car for 20 mins I literally just need a real fucking hug and I need to be allowed to cry because I don't make any sound. As soon as I get inside, I break the fuck down like I'm talking drop everything and fall to the floor audibly sobbing, and I'm exaggerating absolutely none of that. I've been afraid to post on this for so long because I know he follows it and reads shit and I'm afraid of what'll happen but honestly I just want to die and the more shit that happens, the more I break and the less I feel and the sooner I'll kill myself so maybe him getting pissed off and so upset with me is for the best. THIS IS A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT @ANYONE/FUTURE ME The reason I'm always crying is that I have things I need to express, but I can't. I'm constantly reminded of that "don't guilt me" thing, and every single thing I need to express is a guilt trip, all of it is a fucking manipulation, and I can't express that feeling because that is ALSO a guilt trip and a fucking manipulation. Telling him what I need and why and how it's fucking with me, that'll possibly make him feel bad, and telling him that I can't tell him shit might also make him feel bad, you see where I'm going with this? He also thinks I'm dramatic and overreacting to shit. My whole body is in pain and simple tasks seem to hurt more than they used to. FUTURE ME, THIS IS ALSO A SUPER IMPORTANT BIT I've expressed some of these things before and he just invalidates them. "Oh you're fine," "you just have hypothermia because you always have the A/C on," "your weight is fine." NO BITCH My temperature at one point hit 94.something. That's dangerous, and while I realize you can get hypothermia from too much A/C, I don't have any of the symptoms and I have too many symptoms of other things that are more likely. My mom is Type 1 brittle diabetic (autoimmune disease) which means being hypoglycemic isn't an out-there theory, I have a lot of symptoms, and it would explain the voodoo doll feeling. Plus hypoglycemia (from what I've read) is often a symptom itself of something else. Having Addison's Disease also isn't all that far off because it is also an autoimmune disease and it attacks internal organs (from what I've read. I'm not a doctor I don't know how likely or unlikely it is that I could have it). ALSO kidney disease (CKD) is another possibility because I have too many symptoms to be that much coincidence and that really freaks me out because if I'm ever so broke that I literally cannot afford food/water/other damn needs, my backup plan (honestly probably for college) is to sell one of my kidneys since you really only need one. And yes, I mean on the black market. Go ahead FBI fucking come for me. If I don't have 2 working kidneys, bye bye backup plan! Also to add to that stress, I don't know half of my biological family medical history. Never had a dad because he left, so I don't know what I'm at risk for from them. I have decent reason to fucking panic! MORE IMPORTANT THING FUTURE ME I KNOW YOU'VE NODDED OFF BY NOW PROBABLY GO FUCK YOURSELF I'm starving myself. Kind of. Ok look it's not in an ED sort of way. It's not like that, I'm not so fucking hungry that I'm clutching my stomach in pain and still refusing to eat. If I'm that hungry I'll try and fucking eat something. I have a small appetite because of stress and probably other things rn. There are usually only a few times I eat: 1) when I watch Shane Dawson videos (idk why he used to do a lot of food stuff and I'd usually watch them after work when I was hungry so maybe that's it but it's stuck now) 2) when I have to take my meds (before work and during work if it's been a while) 3) if my head is being stupid (if I have a massive headache because I've learned that that usually means I need food, or if my head is super foggy and I'm confused and slow and forgetful) My usual weight from a few months ago was like 115-118 lbs. I'm 4'11 so that's not bad BMI but I despised my body and frequently would punish myself for indulging or eating too much. My BMI was fine but too uncomfortably close to "overweight" for me. However, didn't hate my weight, just my body. Light for me was 112-115 lbs. My average-ish weight now is 100 lbs, and it's going down. I don't despise my body now (don't really like it still but I'm fine with it) and I don't want to gain my weight back but I'm also scared to lose more. I weighed myself earlier today and I WAS 98 LBS. THAT'S APPROXIMATELY A 20 LB DROP. That's still a healthy weight, but it wasn't lost in a healthy way and that's what fucking scares me. I sent him a photo of the scale at 99 lbs (he knows my normal weight and I expressed to him when I lost 10 lbs how worried I was because it was after like 2 weeks of accidental starvation) and YOU KNOW WHAT HE FUCKING SAID? "Your weight is nothing to be worried about." I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT I'M WORRIED ABOUT HOW I GOT THERE GODDAMMIT HE FUCKING KNOWS I HAVEN'T BEEN EATING. WE'VE LITERALLY TALKED ABOUT HOW IT'S A FUCKING STRUGGLE FOR ME TO GET IN MORE THAN 800 CALORIES IN A FUCKING WAKE CYCLE PLUS EVERYTHING I'M EATING IS NOT GOOD FOR ME TO BE EATING LIKE THIS Jesus fucking Christ god fucking dammit I'M FUCKING WORRIED ABOUT MY WEIGHT BECAUSE THE ONLY REASON IT'S THERE IS BECAUSE I'VE NOT BEEN EATING. I'VE BEEN FUCKING STARVING MYSELF I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. I've been fucking starving myself. Because of money. That's literally the reason. I picked up my medication today and had a $1 copay. I've never had a copay before. I had an anxiety attack and bought food, plus I was hungry. I woke at 1800, ate at around 2000, ate again at 1000 when I took another dose of meds before work. This prescription thing, I got back in his car (which isn't working well and he was angry so I kind of get it) at 1700ish. I ate one small soft cookie and he asked me to not eat because chewing irritates him. So I didn't eat until 0100, after a few hours of sleep. Let me timeline this for you: 1800 - wake 2 hours later - approximately 1c rice with nooch and chili powder and a little cheese to take my meds and supplement 14 hours later- 1.5 pieces of naan with hummus to take my meds 7 hours later - 1 small cookie that I then felt bad about buying and eating because it made him angry and reinforced the "you're nothing so you don't deserve to eat" thing in my head 4 hours later - fall asleep 3.5 hours later - wake 30 mins later - half a package of soft cookies with milk 5 hours later - writing this post for 1.5 - 2 hours I don't eat 95% of the time because of money. If I eat this food, then I have to spend money to replace it. I might need that money later so don't eat too much, eat only what you need, don't be a fucking pig, eat only what you need to function, don't be greedy, eat only what you need to stay alive for now, don't piss anyone off by making a mess and being lazy just don't eat if you don't absolutely need to. Don't make anyone angry at you. Make it last. You need boots that you can work in. You need your neck worked out. You want to see Motionless In White, save your money. You can't go to Kipona this year because he won't go with you and you have no one else even though you used to go with Grandbob, maybe next year or the one after that. Save your money. Maybe Muddy Run? Save your money for that. You want to go to the Ren Faire, save all you can for that. Another thing that's fucking with me He said he'd take off work and go to last month's flute circle because I really want him to experience it, but backed out because he didn't want to take off work and left me unable to attend. I rarely go, and it's the last regular experience I have to Grandbob and it absolutely fucking destroyed me to not be there. Again. I can't go to this month's because it was 2 days ago. I don't think I'll be allowed to go back for another few years, I don't think I'll be allowed to experience anything that connects me to Grandbob for another few years and by then they'll probably all be gone. I'm not allowed to cope or lash out or cry or scream or experience emotion or eat or fucking try to have some sort of connection to Grandbob because it inconveniences everyone else and I'm not allowed to have needs or try to take care of myself because it inconveniences everyone else and makes everyone else angry and every single thing I do does that. Last week I woke up at 0200 and couldn't go back to sleep even though I had to be at work at 1100 and close the shop at 2100 and work through those hours. I couldn't get back to sleep even though I tried for hours because I was having a depressive anxiety attack and crying for hours and I was literally imagining that my availability having to change and possibly not being able to work the drunk rush anymore making my boss so angry and upset that he fires me and me being as depressed and anxious and suicidal as I am, literally taking a knife and killing myself in the bathroom and my coworker (who actually got fired irl) found me and was just so apathetic and my boss literally just being like "goddammit now I have this mess to clean up and have to close early and can't make money" and me dying having zero emotional impact on either of them because I'm not a fucking person to them and all I am is a hassle. So I'm seeing that in my head and crying for hours, then I'm also seeing potential effect that that imaginary situation has on my mom and my friend and I'm crying over THAT for hours. God, I don't even fucking know. I just want to die because no one gives a fuck and I hate this country and I don't have enough money to survive and be okay in this country and politics is killing me and money and stress and I just want to fucking die because my soul is cold and nothing feels real or genuine to me anymore and I'm just a fucking obligation to everyone I'm not a fucking person I'm not important I'm just a selfish piece of shit motherfucker that needs to die alone in a hole and I'm pretty sure this whole post is a fucking guilt trip manipulation bullshit even though I don't mean it to be and I wish I never needed anything because hugs aren't feeling genuine anymore no one fucking takes my needs into consideration it doesn't matter how thin i get or how thin I'm spread it's never enough and I can't expect anyone to spread themselves the smallest bit until I'm fucking dust please just end my earthly existence Look at me Look at this fucking post I'm fucking crazy, aren't I? Isn't this the raving of a mad person? I've literally spent 2 hours typing this WHY am I this way? WHY can't I just deal with it like everyone else?

[princettegil]

I'm feeling like poop rn so I'mma ramble a bit