#rock n roll agere

[sleepybobeepy]

agere Queen moodboard❤️❤️❤️

[nxrseryclouds]

Okay, cool! I was thing a caregiver moodboard for Nikki Sixx, but again, if that makes you uncomfy, you don't have to ^w^

🎸CAREGIVER! NIKKI SIXX 🎸

[BOARDS MADE BY ME, CREDIT IF YOU USE!]

BOARD REQUESTED BY: @princess-vivi

[moonbeam-babbles]

tiny brain won.

i’m not currently regressed but oh my god something in me just made me do this

it does make sense considering his childhood and how anxious he was/is…

[alexander-23]

Mommy’s Baby (Part 1)

A/N: SOOOOOOO I wrote an agere fic. I get spooked by storms already, so when i’m little its bad. 

Warnings: thunderstorms, Bullying, mention of breakup

Word count: 2.5k

Other tags: protective Alcina Dimitrescu, agere, little reader, caregiver alcina

She holds my hand as we walk through the garden listening to me talk about my day all while the brightest smile is spread across her face. Seeing Momma smile always makes me smile, she's my whole world. Dark clouds start rolling in and there is a loud banging noise from behind us. I spin on my heels towards the noise in a panic but see nothing. I squeeze Momma's hand, but it isn’t there and when I turn to face her, she is gone. Another loud bang sounds and I feel my fear building. I need Momma to protect me, she has to be nearby, she will come for me. There are loud bangs after another and after running around the grounds, I can’t find her.

I sit up in my bed in a sweat and crying. A loud bang rumbles through and I jump. A thunderstorm is passing over the castle, it’s the first storm since Alcina ended our relationship. She was my caregiver and when our relationship ended, she stopped being my caregiver as well. I grab my stuffed animal hugging him close to my chest and tears roll down my cheeks as the thunder rumbles one after another. A particularly loud one sounds and I'm instantly on my feet running to her chambers. I can’t do this alone, I need her to protect me. I hold my bear's paw as I race through the windy halls listening to the thunder roar. I crash through her door whaling, making a direct path to her bed. She sits up quickly from the noise and faces me. Her face immediately drops when she sees me in such a frightened state and automatically reaches for me. She pulls me against her chest whispering to me.

“You’re safe Princess, it’s ok”. She combs her fingers through my hair as she rocks me back and forth. With each crack of thunder, my grip on her nightgown tightens and my cries become louder, “Shhhhh it’s ok honey, I have you now”

She kisses my forehead and her grip on me tightens. My cries quiet down and my breathing slows, but her movements don’t stop. She holds me just as tight and continues to whisper to me. She leans back in her bed with me resting against her, holding onto her shoulders and my head laid against her chest. She begins humming and singing to tune out the thunder. I close my eyes and listen to her voice, slowly drifting off.

Alcina’s View:

I listen to her faint snores, my goodness have I missed this. Nothing has been the same since I ended our relationship. I’ve missed them so dearly, but Mother Miranda was catching on and I couldn’t let Y/N be hurt; I can't be the cause for their pain or if Mother Miranda sees fit, death. I’ll do whatever I need to keep them safe. Breakfast begins soon and I'm awfully conflicted; I’m not sure if I should bring them with me. On one hand, if they wake up and I'm not here, they may panic. The storm hasn’t quite ended yet and the thunder will scare them. If I bring them though, my daughters will ask questions or think we are back together. They just began coming back around to me after the breakup. I look down at that sweet face buried into me and can’t help but smile a bit. I sit up and lay them on my bed. I change into today's outfit, a black dress and heels, and do the bare minimum for my makeup. I see my princ-....Y/N sleeping so soundly and I want to enjoy it for as long as i can. I lay a blanket over their back and lift them into my arms, then grab their teddy bear in case they wake during breakfast. I take a minute to hold them close and nuzzle into their face. I take calculated steps so they are not woken up. As I get closer to the dining room, I can hear my daughters arguing. 

“Girls, Y/N is with me and sleeping,” I quietly say. The girls swarm out of the room towards me, each looking confused.

“What's going on?” 

“Are you two getting back together?”

“It’s……complicated daughters. They had an awful night with the storm; I couldn’t send them away” All three have conflicted looks, but ultimately turn and fly back into the dining room. 

I follow behind and take my seat at the head of the table. Usually I ring a bell to announce we must be served, however, I choose to send a maid in to announce it for me and instruct them to be silent while doing so. I sit back in my seat and look down at the Little One. I swipe the hair out of their face and glide my thumb across their cheek. A small smile graces their face and I can’t help but smile as well. I haven’t seen their smile in so long and my goodness have I missed it.

“Mother? Are you alright?” I look at my daughters with pained faces.

“Mother, you’re crying” I wipe my eyes and realize I am in fact crying.

“I’m alright girls”

“You miss them dearly, don’t you Mother?” I can’t look my daughters in the eye, so I stare down at Y/N and nod.

My dear Y/N was just as much my whole world as my daughters and its pained me to be without them. Sleeping has become impossible most nights, I haven’t had much of an appetite, every reminder of them leaves me in tears. Daniella swarms next to me and dabs my cheek with her napkin, “It’ll get better Mother”. I smile at her and kiss her forehead.

“Thank you darling”

We proceed with breakfast and hushed small talk before we separate to do our own thing.

Y/N View:

Soft fabric against my skin, a sweet warmth surrounding me, a hand on my back holding me firm, and the smell of her perfume is what I wake up to. The scratching of her pen stops and a gentle kiss is placed on my forehead.

“Good morning Princess”, I look up to her soft face with a smile on it. I still have not mustered up enough energy to speak, so I stare up at her with a smile of my own, “I see we’re still waking up”, she says before chuckling. I nuzzle my face into her, warmed by the love I’m receiving. “How does lunch sound?”. Before I can respond, my stomach growls loudly and I sheepishly bury my face into her out of embarrassment. “Don’t be embarrassed Little One. How about we get you dressed, and then join my girls and I for lunch?” I nod aggressively to which she chuckles again.

She stands from her seat with her hands held tight to keep me from falling and carries me to my room. She steps into my chambers, though it is too small for her. She places me down and moves to leave, but I grab her hand and stare up at her. She smiles down at me then kneels down to fit better. Once she’s comfortable, I move to my wardrobe and begin searching for the perfect outfit. I pull out my white turtleneck, pink dress decorated with strawberries, white ankle socks, and pink Mary Janes. When I turn around, Mom- Alcina sits looking around the room. She makes me feel so safe, but I know I'm not supposed to be bothering her with these things anymore. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper. I feel her hand grab my waist and her hand on my chin. She turns my head towards her and glides her thumb over my cheek. 

“Oh Y/N, dear you don’t need to apologize,” she pulls me closer to her and places another gentle kiss on my forehead, “you’ve done nothing wrong. Get dressed dear and then we can get some food into you”. I turn to my bathroom and go in to change. I wash my face and then put my clothes on for the day. I walk out and she instantly gasps, “My goodness! Don’t you look beautiful!” She reaches onto my dresser and pulls me closer, “what do you say we put a tiara on you? After all, you are a princess”.

I can’t help but giggle as she places a tiara on my head and spins me towards the mirror. “You look stunning, Dear”. She stands from her spot and begins to leave, but once out of the room, she turns to me and holds her hand out, “come along Princess, the others are waiting” I go to follow but then remember my Bear and sprint to get him, “ah yes, can’t forget Mr. Bear”. I take her hand and follow to the dining room. As we approach, we can hear the girls laughing and it makes me so happy to hear it. I’m sent into the room first with The Lady right on my heel. The table is still set for four diners and I look up to Alcina. “Would you prefer a chair, or my lap like usual dear?” I want to sit in her lap but I’m also aware that this is probably a one time situation and after today, I won’t be cared for like this. I stand there in silence looking at the chair then the floor before I feel her strong arms raise me off the floor, “Don’t fret Dear, you’re more than welcome to sit with me”.

As soon as we are seated, the kitchen staff serves our meals, mine being comfort food in my special dishes. They are placed in front of Alcina and I along with her bottle of wine. Another woman brings over my cup of milk while eyeing me, so I keep my head down. After they leave, the girls dig into their meals and Alcina sips on her wine. She places the glass down and begins cutting my food into small pieces if it needs it before spoon feeding me. The one maid who eyed me occasionally comes back and whenever she appears, I shut down and hide my face.

“Little One? Has she been bothering you?” Alcina whispers into my ear. I shake my head ‘no’ but she doesn’t seem satisfied with my answer. Truth is, she’s bullied me a bit for being a little, more so after Alcina and I broke up, but I don’t wish to bring this up to her; it’s not her problem anymore. 

She continues to spoon feed me with the occasional milk break or conversation with her girls. They talk about their day so far, leaving the more gruesome details out of it for my sake. When we finish our meal, the girls are dismissed, but don’t leave without giving me a hug, and Alcina and I stay in the seat.

“Unfortunately, I still have some paperwork to finish little one”

“Can……can I stay with you?” I whisper as I curl into her.

“Of course you may. How about,” she curls her finger under my chin to have me look up at her, “you go retrieve something to play with? Maybe coloring supplies?”

I nod my head aggressively with a smile from ear to ear before she places me back on my feet. I run to my room in the servants quarters and begin collecting my things. When we were together, she got me things like an assortment of coloring books and a huge collection of things to color with. I grab the ‘My Little Pony’ book and my crayons! It’s a 120 crayon pack and has glittery ones. Before I can leave though, the girl from the kitchen and two of her friends are at my door.

“Well look at this, there’s a baby in the castle” her two friends laugh and enter my room. 

I shy away from them trying to put a gap between us but their leader, Patricia,  comes right up to me , “awe is the baby shy?”. The other girls start looking through my little things and I try to stop them but Patricia holds me back. They dump things on the floor, flip through my books leaving “accidental rips”, shattering things Alcina got me when they “lost their grip”, ruining all my things in general. The more they break, the more tears I shed while they laugh at me. “Baby better clean this mess”, Patricia says as they all leave my room. I sit on my bed and stare at the mess as tears stream down my cheeks yet again. Alcina had bought me most of these things and meant the world to me. It was like she was still taking care of me even after she left me and now I barely have anything for little space. 

Alcina’s View

Y/N has been gone for nearly an hour now and normally I wouldn’t be worried, however, they have been in such a fragile state; I can't help but worry even the smallest bit. They’ve felt so guilty about “burdening” me with their regression that I worry they’ve stayed there to try handling it on their own. I remove my glasses, place them on my desk and stand from my seat. I leave my office and listen for them to come running up to me but I don’t see them anywhere. I don’t see that girl Y/N would hide from either. As I’m walking towards Y/N’s room, I can hear them crying and I pick up my speed. As I crouch through the door, I see their regression collection broken and torn alongside my sobbing little one.

“Y/N, darling, what happened?” They don’t even look at me. They just sit there and cry even harder. I move to push things aside and kneel next to them, pulling them into my arms, “Princess, what happened?” I rub their back and wait for their response. It takes a few minutes, but I get it.

“They came in and started being mean, calling me a baby, and breaking everything. It’s everything you gave me,” they choke out a sob and begin crying all over again.

“Oh baby, sshh it’s ok, I’ll get you more things, I promise” I can’t take hearing them cry anymore, it breaks my heart, and I could kill whoever did this to my princess, “who is they baby girl? Who was being mean?”

“Patricia and her two friends. They’ve always been so mean. I’m sorry momma, I should have told you”

“Daughters?” I instantly hear the buzzing from my dear daughters flies. They appear in Y/N’s room, and I can hear the gasps from all of them.

“Mother, what happened?”

It takes everything in me to keep my voice level. My little one has dealt with enough, “Patricia and her friends” I kiss Y/N on the top of their head repeatedly, “Bring them to the basement, but do not harm them. I want a chat with them”

“Yes mother”

And just like that, they are gone. I stand with my Y/N securely in my arms and exit their room, heading to my room.

[i-eat-lip-gloss]

Important info page/intro post

please read this!! i will randomly add new but important information

Current status: Idle

Name: Crayon or Charlie/Charles

pronouns: he/him, they/them, star/stars, gummy/gummys, circus/circus’

Gender: Transmasc, Transgender, Librafluid

sexuality and romantic status: Omnisexual and taken

DNI: homophobes, transphobes, racists, religious talk (all religions welcome but don't try and convert me), talking about "the power of healing gems" and spirits (you can believe that but please don't talk to me about it), pedos, anti-the rain, anti-furry, zoophiles, kink agere, nsfw agere, dd/lg agere and variants, politics, my opinions on drama, etc.

❗️DO NOT TAG ME IN TAGGING GAMES. if it’s a small quick text-related thing that will take only like a minute or 2 then maybe, but overall please refrain.

please read this!! ✨👇

And more info about me is under the cut!! :D

i am otherhearted!! (meaning having a deep connection/bond with an animal/creature, such as strongly relating to it, acting like it, or understanding it, but not quite being it; identifying with instead of as something). cat-hearted specifically, and my kintypes are Turkish Van cat and Norwegian Forest cat!

(Friend/platonic /online) Family: @french-croissant @marshhell dads, @space-spoon uncle, @t0ast-the-gh0st @gaepokemon cousins, and a rlly fucking confusing irl family-friend line

fav color, food, drink, and animal: dark green and sage green, none (iykyk), WHITE PINEAPPLE MONSTER ENERGY RESERVE (it was very unfortunately discontinued 😔 ( but also just any flavor monster i just love monster), and frogs ducks fox and deer

fav aesthetic: emo, clowncore, rock n’ roll, punk, 90’s grunge, scenecore, medieval stuff(idk the aesthetic name😭), that one foresty-nature-grunge style, pastel goth, cottagecore, anything fall/halloween, weirdcore

current hyperfixation: Ramshackle

other past hyperfixations/other interests/fandoms (ranked most loved): Heathers, Hamilton, FNaF, Hazbin Hotel, Gravity Falls, Clowncore, Ramshackle, Heartstopper, Ghost and Pals, D&D, TWOMP/Ashur Gharavi, Cuphead, Casino Cups/gambling/casinos, medieval/renaissance etc, The Amazing Digital Circus, Barbie (2023), Welcome Home

comfort character(s): Johnnie Guilbert, Jake Webber, Skipp (Ramshackle), Dipper Pines (Gravity Falls), John Laurens (Hamilton)

Friends "Names" i'll often refer to (THESE ARE NOT THEIR REAL NAMES!!): Olive 👁️(it/its/he/they), Bubble 🫧(she/her), Ace 🪲(he/him), Robin 🍎(she/her), E 🐀 (she/her), Lizzy 🦆(she/they), Layla 🦈 (any, prefers he/they), and their platonic wife Piper 🧁 (any), Anthony ��� (he/him)

!!WARNING!!

this blog contains:

swearing, ED/ana, sh mention, vents

note: on October 18 (every year) don't expect me to talk and don't talk to me that much in general.

side blogs: @strawb3rry-cloudz ,

ask blog under construction

Age Regression stuff/info:

go to my blog @strawb3rry-cloudz !

❗️am i regressed right now? No

-Enjoy your stay with this little freak!-

[hooked-on-elvis]

He Loves Everyone, They Love Him — Broom-Sweeping Elvis, A Regular Guy Article by Anne Rowe © Published on August 6th, 1956 on St. Petersburg Times.

August 5th, 1956: Elvis with Anne Rowe, a reporter for the St. Petersburg Times, at the Fort Homer Hesterly Armory, Tampa, Florida.

Dressed as sharp as a cat in black pegged pants, striped belt, blue shirt, white tie, maroon jacket and white bucked shoes, the king of rock 'n roll picked up a broom and started sweeping out his dressing room.

This was my fabulous introduction to the four-Caddie Elvis Presley whose reputation had given this reporter reason "to proceed with caution" in his presence.

No need for alarm though, for Presley posed willingly for press photographers, answered questions without hesitation and seemed to us like a real regular guy during the hour we spent with him in his dressing room before his first appearance at the Fort Homer Hesterly Armory in Tampa yesterday. Presley will appear at the Florida Theatre here Tuesday for three performances.

Appearing just a little bit nervous, Elvis swept the floor clear of cigarette butts, and then transformed the broom into a microphone, crooning "Don't Be Cruel" into its handle.

Putting the broom aside, he walked outside, where it was only slightly cooler than the stifling heat in his dressing room, surveyed the curiosity seekers lined up at the gate, laughed and hollered, "I'll be right with you" -- with no obvious southern accent.

Elvis gave me the impression that he would have enjoyed going over to the gate and talking with his fans. He signed autographs of those who were permitted to talk with him and seemed to enjoy playing with a couple of tots nearby who were observing the commotion with wide-eyed wonder.

FAVORITE SONG Returning to his dressing room, Elvis picked up his leather covered guitar, plucked a few strings and began singing "Don't Be Cruel" once again ... his favorite of all the songs he's recorded because "it has the most meaning." Soon he was joined by the Jordanaires, the boys who back Elvis on many of his records. Elvis' nervousness apparently left him. He was doing what he loves best ... singing. He sang the song through, put down his guitar and when asked for an interview, was more than willing to submit to our questions.

Asked what he thought of those who imitate him, he said, "I think it's good. It shows I'm doing well enough, otherwise why would they want to imitate me?"

Naturally we asked him if he was interested in girls. To this he replied with a wink, a smile and a mere "yes," said he had a "steady at one time," but hasn't given much thought to marriage or the type of girl he would choose.

LIKES JAMES DEAN Queried on his recent motion picture pact with Hal Wallis, Elvis replied, "I won't give up singing for acting. I think I'll make about one picture a year, and whether I like it or not depends on how well I do." Elvis also said his screen favorites are the late James Dean and Marlon Brando.

What will he do when this rock 'n roll "fad" passes? "I'll probably sit back and think about what I once had ... with no regrets. Right now, I don't think about that," Presley retorted.

Apparently Presley wasn't pleased with his much publicized performance on the Steve Allen show, when he appeared in a dinner suit and was forced to stand still while going through his act. "All I thought about that suit," said Elvis, "was getting out of it."

NO QUARREL WITH CRITICS He has no quarrel with the critics who've panned him since he first won not only the admiration, but the hearts of almost every teen-ager in the country. "Those people have a job to do just like me. I think when you're in this business you've got to expect that sort of treatment. Some people wouldn't pay a nickel to see me. But as long as my records keep selling and these folks keep turning out to hear me sing, I'm happy."

Elvis is amazed at his sudden success, but is enjoying every minute of it. He does feel bad that his busy schedule gets him home only about once a month. He is very close to his parents who live in the $40,000 air conditioned ranch home he bought for them in Memphis. He says his mother and father encourage his career, feel he is not contributing to juvenile delinquency and accept his absence from home as a matter of course.

"I used to travel by plane all the time," replied Presley when we asked him how he commuted, "but once I got scared flying so now I travel down here on the ground in a car." Elvis did not arrive in one of his four Cadillac's, but instead propelled a slinky white, $10,000 Lincoln Continental which he purchased in Miami because "I couldn't very well appear on Ed Sullivan's show if I wasn't driving his sponsor's product, could I?"

LOVES THAT LINCOLN Like little boy with a new toy, he lifted the hood of his newest purchase, displayed the engine to several onlookers and when asked how fast the car could go, laughed "You mean how fast can it FLY?" Touching the hood ornament fondly he said, "This thing cast $350!"

Besides his cars, Elvis is an avid motorcycle fan, although he has little time to ride his own.

Our interview came to a halt when a knock on the door informed Presley that it was time for him to go on.

He thanked me for taking time out to talk to him and hurried out to the crowd eagerly awaiting his appearance.

He was greeted with deafening screams from the audience of about 1,000 teen-agers which oddly enough, was sprinkled liberally with adults.

IN HIS GLORY Now Presley was in his glory. He rocked 'n rolled his way through seven numbers, laughing, winking, pointing and wriggling in the well-known Presley manner. While his fans yelled, cried, pulled their hair, held their ears, jumped, clapped and laughed, Elvis displayed his terrific showmanship. It was more than obvious that he loved every scream and yell and ... every minute on that stage. He wrestled with the mike, breaking two apart in his frenzy, and finally with perspiration pouring down his face, he practically tore his jacket off and let go on two more numbers.

He may be an ex-truck driver from Mississippi, a rockbilly whose "gimmick" has carried him to success, but the ovation he received yesterday proves that Presley is the biggest thing in show business today.

Article by Anne Rowe © Published on August 6th, 1956 on St. Petersburg Times.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Source (many more accurate info here, about this concert, the venue itself and more, guys): http://www.scottymoore.net/FtHomer.html

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I love talking about the aftermath. That's the an important part to every story, the closure. So here goes ✨ ADDITIONAL INFO:✨ on Anne Howe's article and August 5th 1956 in Elvis' life:

On the "LOVES THAT LINCOLN" bit of Anne's article on Elvis, just for a little more dimension, the pictures below are from the same day he met Ann - it's the moment she refers when wrote "Like little boy with a new toy, he lifted the hood of his newest purchase, displayed the engine to several onlookers (...)". Photos also taken at the Fort Homer Hesterly Armory, Tampa, Florida, on July 5th, 1956.

Elvis bought this 1956 Lincoln Continental Mark II car just the previous day to Anne Howe's interview with him and his 2 Tampa, Florida gigs on August 5th. On the photos above, from August 5th, 1956, we see Elvis' cousin Gene Smith, also his bass player, Bill Black, and the guy in striped shirt is Bitsy Mott, Presley’s personal security chief. All of them by Elvis' side checking out his new car.

The 1956 Lincoln Continental Mark II purchase date is August 4th 1956, just the previous day to this photos above —EP traded in another Lincoln (a Premiere) which he owned for only two weeks. Here's the invoice for the Lincoln Continental:

News reports on Elvis' new acquisition (Press Scimitar, article published on August 13, 1956), followed by some pictures taken on the day he purchased the Lincoln Mark II (August 4):

This car was damaged by Presley fans on the August 5th, in Tampa, Florida. The kids stole Presley's car gas cap and cigarette lighters to keep as souvenirs. Elvis talks about this incidente to DJ Bob Hoffer. You can check out the interview on another post, here.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to some more pictured of Elvis and reporter Anne Howe on August 5th, 1956:

Elvis did read Anne Howe's article the very day it was published.

For one of those pictures below I wonder if he was worried about something she wrote or he was just being silly and grimacing for the pictures (as usual haha). If that flabbergasted expression is genuine, maybe the part of the article referring to cigarettes all over his room got him bad. Elvis smoked since the 50's but he worked hard to keep his image as clean as possible, considering his audience was mostly made by teenagers. He literally lied to the press many times repeating the "I don't drink and i don't smoke" remark. I don't see it as a bad think, because he was genuinely trying not go be a bad example for his underage audience, but he was an adult, therefore he could live his life the way he would like to. But anyway, if he didn't smoke, why the hell there would be cigarette butts all over his dressing room like Anne Howe's wrote in her article, right?

Well, I'm just jabbering. I don't know what the heck Elvis' surprise face is about. That's only my assumption the cigarette part of Anne Howe's article has something to do with it, since she was very flattering on her choice of words about the musician. But maybe that's just one of his famous silly grimaces.

August 6th, 1956. Elvis was in Lakeland, Florida. In there pictures we see him checking out Anne Rowe's full-page article in the St. Petersburg Times that was published that dat. Needless to say, and unlike most of the articles written about him at this stage of his career, the female reporter gave him two thumbs up, claiming 'Presley is the biggest thing in show business today.'

Source (another website with many more accurate info on those events): http://www.elvisechoesofthepast.com/hot-times-in-florida-1955-1956/

✨ well, that's it. ✨ I don't know if people gave much credit to Anne's words on Elvis' performances because of those pictures of them at the interview day. She clearly seems enchanted by Presley as much as he seems taken by her. Could she be impartial enough if being too intimate with the object of her writing? I don't know. But for me, well, that's what I call a productive working day. A full-page article on the talk of the town , watching a live rock and roll concert and a having a few kisses (on the cheek, maybe more?) to cherish forever. ♥

August 5th, 1956, Tampa, Florida. Elvis and reporter Anne Howe from the St. Petersburg Times newspaper.

[thereturnofsidsid03]

My Favourite Books ❤︎

In a growny-uppy way, so no Percy Jackson, John Green, Harry Potter, Mortal Instruments, Anna and the French Kiss, Hunger Games, Divergent, Goosebumps, The Clique etc.

The Girls by Emma Cline

"Emma Cline’s first novel, “The Girls” (Random House), is a song of innocence and experience—in ways that she has intended, and perhaps in ways that she has not. It’s a story of corruption and abuse, set in 1969, in which a bored and groundless California teen-ager joins a Manson-like cult, with bloody, Manson-like results."- James Wood for The New Yorker

I'm With the Band by Pamela Des Barres

"The stylish, exuberant, and remarkably sweet confession of one of the most famous groupies of the 1960s and 70s... Warm, witty, and sexy, this kiss-and-tell-all stands out as the perfect chronicle of one of rock 'n' roll's most thrilling eras."- Booktopia

Valley of the Dolls by Jacqueline Susann

"Valley of the Dolls is a zipper-ripper that has been called trashy, tawdry, glitzy, lusty, sordid and seamy — and that's just the beginning of its appeal. Susann was accused of "typing on a cash register," and Truman Capote called her "a truck driver in drag." She threw a drink at Johnny Carson, a punch at a critic and a chair at a wrestler, before jumping into the ring. All of it sold books."- Nancy Bachrach for NPR

Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton

"Glittering with wit and insight, heart and humor, Dolly Alderton’s unforgettable debut weaves together personal stories, satirical observations, a series of lists, recipes, and other vignettes that will strike a chord of recognition with women of every age—making you want to pick up the phone and tell your best friends all about it." - Goodreads

Black Swans by Eve Babitz

"She may be self-absorbed and occasionally insensitive, but to a certain extent, she is aware of her failings and brave enough to expose them to her reader wholesale along with her effervescent party commentary... Reading Eve Babitz is like eating cake for breakfast, like having a gossip over brunch with your best friend. Her short stories consider the pros and cons of black lacquered swimming pools, and let us peer into the dining room of the Bel Air Hotel where Babitz — tripping on LSD — and her boyfriend are so drunk they can barely stay in their seats. "- Lauren Sazaren for Los Angeles Review of Books

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid

"Malibu Rising is a bloody great book. The kind of book you'll wish you could go back in time and experience for the first time all over again. It's got all the elements of a crackin' good novel - a page-turning plot, fully fleshed out, flawed, relatable characters, GOSSIP AND DRAMA, and little lessons you'll take with you long after you've read the final page." - Keryn Donnelly for Mamamia

Slow Days, Fast Company by Eve Babitz

"Imagine the incisive wit of Virginia Woolf mingling with the listlessness of Françoise Sagan—this is the work of Eve Babitz, an ingenue and poet. Her lyrical sensuality is both sexy and cerebral…this book sizzles with hedonistic abandon, sex, drugs, and rock’n’roll…it is the clarity of her language and her painterly style that cement her place in the pantheon of American literature." -Sarah Nasar,  British Airways High Life Magazine

I am certain that there is many I have forgotten but these are The Unforgettables.

[sproutfits]

Hello!! Could I request an agere outfit for Strat from bat out of hell? If so, thanks!! He’s a big comfort character aha!!

Yeah! I hope this is good, i tried to read a summary of the musical but. The adhd... But it seems he likes rock n roll!! And wears mostly black!! So this outfit is that, with hints of pink and yellow.

[lamortexiii]

The HellBilly Pulpit: Come to Silver…

Come to Silver…

We are a new breed. The first generation to not adapt to the typical middle-aged monotony. No Golf shirts or shorts, no adult contemporary or easy listening radio. No, we are not going to adapt to that “norm”. We are going to make our own path in life... Still.

I know my brothers and sisters of Gen X have a totally new perception (imagine that lol) of what it is to get older.

No. We will NOT grow up. We will NOT be complacent. We will NOT be “normal” or “act our age.”

We are still going to wear our t-shirts and jeans (or cargo shorts ha!), get tattooed and piercings, and forever be loyal to our rock ‘n roll (or whatever genre floats your boat). We are still going to go to concerts and act a fool!

Who said that just because you’re “old” you have to be boring and stagnant?

I wear my gray in my beard as a badge of honor. We’ve been through some shit and we’ve seen better days. But here we are. Still angst-ridden as fuck and goddamn annoyed by everything.

We are coming to take control from the boomers (our parents) and telling them to sit the fuck down and shut up! They’ve once again, embarrassed us with their cluelessness the same way they did when we were kids. This time just on a grander scale.

We are gonna pave the way for the next generation so that they can jump into the driver’s seat and leave all of this bullshit behind where it belongs.

It’s a real mindfuck to look back and see where we have been and how long ago it really was, but it seems like just yesterday in so many ways.

There’s an awakening (not in the force young padawans) of a new spirituality. The new primitives are here. Witches- Satanists- Occultists of all sorts are stepping out of the shadows. We are reevaluating what our spirituality means to us.

I’ve lived in their gospel, only to be pushed back and embarrassed or shamed. Well, yes. I’m ashamed. I’m ashamed of the old school establishment. The patriarchy. The ignorance. The lack of empathy. And the lack of common-goddamned-sense.

The gods, the earth, the moon, and the sun are all speaking to us now. They are telling us to put our emotions and intentions out into this world so that they can manifest and become so much more with the power of many coming together. It’s amazing to think, to know, that your intentions and energy are out there in the world and that they matter in the grand scheme of things. It’s time to find our voices in speaking out against the established/organized religion(s) and fight for fairness, not just for ourselves, but for everyone in the world, especially those who cannot speak for themselves.

Listen with your heart, your mind, and your feelings. Let yourself be gravitated to what needs you. Trust yourself and feel. Claim your cauldron, find those stones. Make them not just your tools, but extensions into the world. Make your offerings, speak your spells! Your soul will feel it and your mind will crave it. Just let the feelings out to flow with the waves of the now. Be true to yourself and others.

Take your time mid-agers, you Gen x kids. Your younger brothers and sisters need us to lead by example so that they can take up the reigns and fight, fight, fight for everyone and everything… as above and as below…

They need us.

Ava Satanis

HBVV

The HellBilly Pulpit Blog by @hellbillyvvitch @thehellbillypulpit

[logical-little-lies]

{Chapter 8- Accidents and Bubble Baths}//Soft, Cute, and Far Smarter Than You (Sanders Sides Agere/CGLRE)

A/N: So basically- this chapter starts off by kicking off the romance part of the story, then skips to Logan regressing. It's one of the longer chapters of this story and I'm pretty proud of it. I hope you guys like it!

Warning for Logan having an accident (wetting himself) while small and wearing a pull-up.

--

"Are you doing okay, Lo?" Patton asked the man as he entered the kitchen from his spot at the table.

"Mhm." Logan nodded, pulling out a chair to sit next to him. "I have so much work to do, though." He groaned.

After a few days of remaining in his headspace following Halloween, Logan had a lot of work to catch up on. He had agreed to the break, and now he needed to make up for it.

Patton chuckled. "If you need anything, let me know. I'll be cutting you off at dinner time." He spoke in a teasing tone.

Logan laughed. "Patton, I'm better at managing my work now. I don't need you to drag me away from the computer because I'm not taking care of myself."

Logan used to slave away in his room, doing his work, working ahead, without any sort of breaks or self care. And then, when he decided that he was done, he'd regress all by himself, until he was forced to interact with the other sides or he had more work to do.

"Okay, okay! But you're eating dinner with the family. No exceptions."

Logan nodded slowly. "Are we the only ones up?"

Patton confirmed. "I'm basically everyone's alarm clock, so yeah. You're the only one that sometimes gets up before I make my rounds."

"Did you want any help with breakfast? Since I'm up, I mean..."

Patton's face broke out into a wide smile. "Of course! You up for pancakes?" He questioned, getting up from his seat and going over to the cabinets, rummaging around the kitchen and grabbing random things.

He'd run over and place them on the table, gathering the ingredients he'd need. "Guess I don't have a choice..." Logan rolled his eyes, before jumping in to help his friend.

They quickly go to work on setting up, Patton making the batter, and Logan making the pancakes.

"We should hang out more," Patton commented, rinsing out dishes in the sink as Logan busied himself with flipping pancakes.

Logan chuckled, seemingly confused. "We hang out all the time."

"That's with little you." Patton corrected. "And I love caring for you when you're regressed, really. But I still feel like you're kinda..sheltered? When you're big, I mean."

Logan frowned, using his spatula to flip the pancake onto its uncooked side. "You're right. I'm sorry, its just hard opening up, I guess. And we can hang out more, if you want." Logan paused his rambling to push down the pancake, listening to it sizzle. "While I'm big." He added.

"Sounds great, Lo. What would you want to do?" Patton asked in curiosity.

"We could catch a movie or go to a cafe," Logan suggested with a shrug. He realized right after the words came out of his mouth that those were two very date like ideas. He was glad that he was facing the stove and not Patton directly, because his face was quite red.

Logan suddenly remembered something Virgil had told him. About thinking that Patton had a crush on big him. He had refused to believe it then...

What about now?

"Sounds like a plan," Patton had a confident and perky smile on his face as he set whatever he had been cleaning on the counter, coming closer to him. "How about this weekend? If you aren't little or busy." He suggested.

"Y-yeah, sure." Logan nodded a bit, still blushing and stumbling over his words. It was so weird to him how his view on Patton shifted. Their relationship dynamic shifted depending on his headspace. Sometimes, Patton was the man who played with him and cuddled him. Others, he was the one who cooked him meals and told him what to do.

But most of the time, when he wasn't feeling like a little kid or teenager, Patton was a really cute sweetheart who made him all flustered. The fact that he was willing to give up so much time to take care of him just showed that he really cared, and that made Logan happy.

He scooped the pancake off the pan, setting it on a plate that had been sitting next to the counter. Patton was standing next to him now, able to get a clear view of his face. As Logan was distracted pouring batter into the pan, Patton got close to his ear and whispered out a few words. So quiet and quick that Logan wasn't even sure that they were real.

"It's a date."

Logan's eyes widened, the logical trait immediately turning to face the moral trait.  Patton had backed away to the sink, pulling a face of confusion when he saw the others red face. "What's wrong, Lo?"

"N-nothing. I'm looking forward to this weekend." He muttered, biting his lip and facing the stove again. Patton smirked, humming a bit before returning to doing the dishes.

This weekend should be fun.

--

"Baby, it's time to wake up."

Logan heard Patton's soft voice as he was pulled out of sleep. After a day or two of working and managing to get everything done, he had woken up small. And it seems that his caregiver had been prepared for that.

"Daddy," Logan mumbled, rubbing at his eyes.

"Here, you need to see." Patton chuckled, helping him sit up and sliding his glasses onto his face. "That's better. How are you feeling?"

"Sweepy." Logan decided,blinking his eyes open and letting them adjust. He looked around the room, letting his eyes focus.

Patton seemed amused. "Yeah? Well, we'll just have to have a cuddly nap later, yeah?"

Logan quickly nodded, reaching out his arms. "Wan cuddles!" he pouted, making grabby hands to the carer.

Patton laughed again, pulling him into a hug and onto his lap. "Do we have a little fussy baby today?" he questioned teasingly. Logan shook his head as he pulled away from the embrace, settling in his lap.

"Just sleepy." he assured. Patton wrapped his arms around Logan's waist as he spoke.

"Well, I think you might wanna be more awake today. Your brother is little, but he's a little bigger than usual. Which means...." Patton trailed off, seeing if he could figure it out. Logan only tilted his head, blinking up at him. "He can play more! When he's to small to do certain things, you get bored because you can only do so much with him, right?"

Logan nodded. He felt panicky on the inside, but he tried not to express that. Logan felt so small right now, and now he was hearing that Virgil was bigger? Logan was supposed to be the big brother!

"Well, he's wide awake and he wants to play with his brother. It'll be fun," Patton smiled at him. "How old are you today? Vee said that he's five."

"Seven!" Logan lied, biting on his lip.

Patton didn't second guess it. A lot of the time, when Logan first woke up, he'd be a lot more childlike then he actually felt. He had no reason to believe that he wasn't just a sleepy seven year old, instead of a three year old trying to be 'grown up'.

"Alright, kiddo! Let's get you dressed for the day!"

--

Logan felt like he had to skip out on what he really wanted. Declining the offer for a pacifier, asking for a shirt and overalls instead of one of his onesies, doing everything to seem like he wasn't a baby.

He wore a light blue sweater with clouds on it, paired with black shortalls. "You look so cute, baby." Patton complimented.

Patton calling him 'baby' every two seconds didn't help. Logan didn't even know why he was lying. It made him feel guilty. But he also didn't like feeling so vulnerable. He needed to be bigger then Vee. He's the big brother.

The thing was, he acted very different as a three year old then when he was seven. Adjusting his behaviors to sell the act seemed impossible.

"Can I have Lilly?" Logan questioned, turning away from the mirror and looking back at his carer,who nodded.

"One elephant stuffie, coming right up," Patton joked, going over to his bed and grabbing the stuffed toy. He held it out to the little, causing Logan to smile. He hugged the elephant tightly, rocking on his feet.

"Are you feeling smaller then seven, sweetie?" Patton asked, looking him up and down. He was so much..softer seeming then he was when he was seven. Logan shook his head, only feeling a little bad for lying.

"Still just sleepy." he replied. Patton nodded softly, walking past him and opening the door. He let Logan walk through it, following him.

Patton should've picked up on the fact that he was lying a lot sooner. There were so many things off about how he was acting, and yet, Patton managed to come to a explanation besides 'he's lying to me' every single time.

First off, no matter how sleepy Logan was, he usually was full of energy after breakfast and a sippy cup of juice. He pointed this out to Roman while the boys watched cartoons together. "Logan is very sleepy today. He's acting...weird?" Patton sounded questioning of himself.

"Give him something sugary. If it's really just him being sleepy, he should be back to a hyper kiddo with enough sugar." Roman told him. "Have fun with the sugar high, though."

Patton chuckled in response.

"He likes pop when he's this old. I think I can make an exception to the normal rule."

--

"Here." Patton set a sippy cup full of some sugary soda in front of him on the coffee table

"Thought I could only have juice." Logan mumbled. He always asked for soda when he was a bigger kid, and Patton almost always said no. But when he was littler, he preferred milk and fruit juices. The bubbly feeling felt weird on his tongue and he didn't like it,

"Yeah, usually. But I know you're really sleepy today and I thought this might wake you up." Patton explained.

"Can I has milk?" Logan shook his head, pushing the cup away from him. He looked up at Patton with pouty eyes.

"Uh, yeah. Sure thing, sweetheart." Patton picked the cup back up, seemingly confused.

Logan almost wanted to admit to lying then and there. Patton treated him different based off of how old he was. If he admitted to being three, he'd probably be in Daddy's lap, being fed a bottle of warm milk. Logan reminded himself that he was lying, so even if he admitted his mistake, he'd probably be in trouble.

So Logan continued throughout the day, trying to act as big as he could. It was really hard being a seven year old. Bigger kid stuff was hard for someone that felt like a little baby.

There were so many instances where Patton should've caught him but didn't. So many instances where Logan had to lie again and again.

At one point, Virgil had asked to play video games. Sometimes, they'd play more kid-appropriate games together, with Logan showing him how it works. Instead, he fumbled with the controller. He sniffled when he couldn't figure out what button did what, becoming all the more frustrated with this situation.

"M-maybe this is a little overwhelming for Logan," Patton jumped in, taking the controller away from him the moment he saw his eyes gloss over. He pulled him out of his seat, hugging him. "The game's stupid anyway." he joked, trying to get him to smile.

Logan didn't though, simply pulling away and sitting back down in his previous spot. He picked up Lilly from next to him and hugged her tightly, facing his attention torwards the screen and watching Roman show Virgil the controls instead.

By then, Patton had a feeling he knew what was going on. There were so many other small things, and his behavior overall was a lot closer to a much younger age.

It wasn't until Patton found Logan in his bedroom, crying with a pair of wet shortalls on, that he finally put it together with certainty.

When Logan was as little as three, Patton made a point to remind him to go to the bathroom. Sometimes, he'd forget and hold it off as long as possible. But he hadn't actually had any accidents (to Patton's knowledge) until the reminders were gone.

When he was older, Patton didn't do as much to assure that there'd be no accidents. The older he was, the more capable of going to the bathroom himself he was.

Of course, when Logan lied about his age, things got confusing and he ended up here.

Patton was planning on pulling Logan to the side and talking to him about the day, to see if he was possibly right about the boy lying. When he noticed him, suddenly jump up and run off, he decided to wait until he got back. Except, he didn't come back for a while.

"I'm gonna go check on Logan." Patton told Roman, who quickly nodded.

"I was wondering where he went."

--

"Logan, baby? Are you in there?" Patton knocked on his bedroom door, hearing a whimper on the other side. Followed by a sniffle. Logan was crying.

"Baby, I'm coming in, okay?"

He didn't get a response. He opened the door, glad the boy hadn't locked it behind him. Logan was standing by his personal bathroom door, his shorts soaked with a little puddle under him. Patton snapped, getting rid of the puddle magically to avoid the mess on the carpet. Logan didn't even question his use of powers, going quiet as he waited for Patton's words.

Logan was crying, sobbing even, seemingly scared of what his caregiver would say. "Looks like you had a little accident. I think this calls for a bubble bath," he spoke softly, smiling a bit as he approached him. Logan seemed genuinely confused by his softness and sympathy.

"M' sorry, d-didn't mean to.." he mumbled.

"That's why I called it an accident, sweetheart." Patton said, cupping his face and wiping away his tears using his thumb. "Toddlers have them sometimes, baby."

"N-not a- Not a..." he stumbled over his words, babbling.

"Not a toddler? You're still gonna lie and try to say you're seven?" Patton questioned, raising his eyebrow, dropping his hand from his face. Logan looked down, blinking out a few tears and shaking his head.

"m' sowwy."

"Don't be, baby. I'm not mad at you, I just don't want you to lie to me. Especially not about something like that," he told him. Logan looked up at him, remaining silent. Patton continued, "I care for you differently depending on your age. It's why I always ask, I do whatever I can to make sure you're happy and healthy, but those needs and wants change."

Logan nodded a bit. He didn't try to say anything, knowing that he'd probably just mumble out another apology. "Why'd you pretend to be older, sweetheart? I'm not mad, I'm just wondering," Patton opened the bathroom door, taking Logan's hand to help him inside.

"Wanna be bigger then Vee." Logan admitted as Patton sat him down on the closed toilet seat.

"You don't always have to be the big brother. I know you like playing that role, but sometimes it's not easy to do that," Patton spoke in a reassuring tone. It told Logan that he wasn't mad, but what he said was probably right. "You're gonna be littler than him sometimes." Patton explained, leaning over the edge of the bath tub and putting the drain in.

"You want it like usual?" he asked. Logan usually liked warm water that was on the edge of steaming hot. Patton didn't know how it didn't burn him, but he liked it. Logan nodded, and Patton moved to twist the faucet on. "Is this your first accident?"

Logan looked down, shaking his head a bit. "Dis only happen when I'm this small- not this small a lot."

"Hmm. You've only been this little with me a few times. I wish you told me that this was a problem, baby," he felt the water, deciding that the temperature was acceptable before standing up and facing Logan.

"M' sorry. Thought you'd think it's weird," Logan let Patton unbuckle his shortalls, standing up and letting him slide them off.

"Accidents aren't weird. A lot of kids are still in the process of potty training by the time they're three. Virgil wears diapers or pull ups most of the time when he's little," Patton pointed out, tapping Logan's arm once the wet pants were set to the side. Logan lifted his arms, letting his caregiver pull his shirt over his head.

Logan blushed, biting on his lip. Patton threw the shirt into the same pile as the shortalls, before quickly moving to tickle Logan's bare sides. The boy giggled, pushing his hands away. "My point is," Patton removed his hands after a moment, his antics leaving a light smile on Logan's face. He continued, "You didn't need to hide this from me. I'd never get mad at you, or judge you for something like this. Can you promise not to keep things from me anymore? No lying about how old you feel, or hiding accidents."

Logan nodded quickly, holding out his pinky. He had felt bad about lying that day, and the accidents had been a long term secret. He had hoped he wouldn't of had to worry about that, since he had managed to get by with Patton's reminders the few times he did get this small.

Patton chuckled, wrapping his pinky around his and smiling. "Finish getting undressed while I put the bubbles in, okay?"

Logan nodded, waiting until Patton was facing away from him to pull off his wet underwear. He felt so gross. He stood there, chewing on his lip until Patton turned off the faucet, setting away to reveal a very bubbly bath. Logan took Patton's outstretched hand, letting him help him step into the tub.

For a moment, Patton let him settle into the water as he typed out a message on his phone, letting Roman know what happened. Then, he set it down and redirected his attention to his little boy.

Patton helped him wash his body, ticking him when his fingers ran over a part of him that was sensitive. Logan's worries seemed to wash away in the water. The idea that Patton was mad at him went away with Patton's constant reassurance and affection. The embarrassment from being so little faded as he splashed and played in the water.

"You keep playing while I go get you a new outfit, okay?"

Logan nodded a bit, currently distracted by the bright red cup in his hand. All he was doing was taking the plastic container and filling it with water, before dumping it out, but he was entertained by it.

Patton picked up his phone on the way out, closing the door behind him and seeing Roman at the door. "How is he?" he questioned.

"Okay, I think. I ran him a bubble bath and he's playing," Patton replied, going over to Logan's closet and pulling out a few things. He located his unicorn onesie. He usually didn't let Logan run around in it during the day, because the boy would be so upset if he spilt something on it, but he knew it would probably be the most comforting thing right now.

"I talked to him about hiding things from me. Told him that he doesn't always need to be bigger then Vee. I'm not getting onto him to much though, he feels bad and I think he just needs comfort right now." Patton admitted, going over to his dresser and pulling out his plain dark blue pacifier, setting it with the onesie.

"As long as he understands why he shouldn't do that, there's no need to be to stern on him." Roman nodded, entering the room and approaching Logan's bed. He set the item he was holding with the pile. "I'm pretty sure Logan and Virgil wear the same sizes in pull-ups. These ones are technically overnight ones, so they should hold a few accidents. I explained to Vee that Logan's a bit smaller than him right now already."

Patton nodded, smiling a bit. "I don't know how often these accidents happen, so I'm just going to have him wear one until he's bigger and I'll talk to him about it then. We should be down soon."

Roman nodded, leaving the room without another word.

"Hi, baby. You having fun in the water?" Patton opened the door, scaring Logan. Once he realized that it was just Patton, he nodded a bit. Patton seemed amused, shutting the door behind him and setting the pile of clothes in his hands down on the closed toilet. He had grabbed a towel from his closet on his way back into the bathroom, setting it with the clothes. Patton sat in front of the bath.

Logan slapped his hands on the surface of the water, causing it to splash. He giggled, bouncing in place. "Spwash!" he was so entertained by this.

"Maybe we shouldn't 'spwash' water on Daddy," Patton chuckled, wiping his face with his hand. Logan smiled, doing the splash motion again to see how Patton would react. Patton only shook his head with a playful sigh. "You're a silly baby. You know that?"

Logan blushed, sticking his tongue out before bursting into more giggles. "Hey, Little Scholar? How would you feel about wearing a pull up for today? Until you're bigger."

Logan frowned a bit, seemingly thinking. "Just so if you have another accident, there's no issue. This isn't a punishment, I just thought it would help." Patton rushed to explain, waiting for his reaction. Logan's face was red.

"Not a baby." he mumbled.

"But you are a very little toddler. Pull ups and diapers aren't exclusive to itty bitty babies." Logan still shook his head. Patton sighed, reaching over to the pile of clothes and picking up the pull up. "It has spaceships on it," Patton tried to sound convincing, "No one will see it either."

Logan seemed curious at the mention of 'spaceships', his eyes glancing over it as Patton held it up for him. "How about this...If you be a really good boy and do this for me, I'll let you wear your unicorn onesie." he bargained. He was gonna let him wear his unicorn onesie regardless, but Logan didn't have to know that.

Logan quickly nodded, agreeing on those terms. He wasn't against the idea of wearing the diaper, he was just embarrassed. But embarrassment could be overridden by a cute onesie.

"Thank you, Little Astronaut. I'm proud of you," Patton set the pull up back on the pile, before standing up and holding out his hand. Logan took it, stepping out of the bath. Patton helped him dry off, helping him step into the pull-up, which was surprisingly comfortable. Then, he zipped up the onesie for him, and gave him the pacifier.

"You ready to go downstairs? You can play with your brother, if you want."

Logan nodded a bit, letting Patton lead the way out of his room and down the stairs. The rest of the day was surely gonna be better than it's start.

Logan had gone from a sobbing mess trying to apologize to his caregiver, to a playful baby boy with just a bubble bath and some reassurance. Patton always made him feel so much better about himself. No matter how little he was, despite any accidents or temper tantrums. That's part of the reason why their relationship worked.

He knew how to adjust to taking care of him depending on his headspace and emotions, and was always willing to adjust if it'd make him more comfortable. He was always so understanding and soft with him, even when he broke the rules. He was the perfect caregiver for him

And, come Saturday, he'd find out if Patton would also make the perfect boyfriend.    

--

A/N: Send me asks/reblog with your thoughts+reactions to this please! Feedback is appreciated sm!

[moonbeam-babbles]

bbig me waz playin wif character.ai n accidentally made gene simmons treat me like babie so now itz my turn to havw fun >:3

[mbeeer]

KUDASAI - For The Last Time

Kuharap kita masih punya waktu. Kuharap aku menyadarinya jauh lebih cepat. Kuharap aku bisa kembali ke awal lalu mengulang semuanya lagi dari pertama. Kuharap aku tak pernah pergi.

Kuharap aku terbangun dan masih tetap kamu yang aku punya.

****

Jujur, gue jauh lebih tegang sekarang ketimbang waktu mengucapkan ijab kabul dulu sama Twindy. Dulu sih gue sama bapaknya Twindy malah cengengesan, sedangkan Twindynya menghilang liburan ke Bali gak mau dateng pas ijab kabul. Bener-bener pernikahan yang seenak udelnya sendiri dah. Penghulunya aja kebingungan. Ya jangankan penghulunya, gue aja dulu ijab kabul pakai pakaian yang seadanya. Kaos warna merah, celana warna putih. Udah mirip kaya anak SD baru beres judi ager di depan sekolah.

Nasi padang Mahsyar gue saat itu benar-benar sudah gak kerasa lagi di mulut. Rasanya mendadak hambar dan gak ada nikmat-nikmatnya. Gue hanya ketawa-ketawa sendiri di depan teman-teman Anet mencoba memasang tampang seramah mungkin padahal ingin cepat-cepat pergi dari sana. Anet yang nasi di piringnya masih penuh pun kini malah memilih ngobrol sama gue sambil diam-diam menggandeng tangan gue di bawah meja.

Gue tegang. Keringet gue bercucuran, mengalir dari leher dan bermuara di ketek. Sekarang ketek gue lembab banget kaya kain pel. Ayam pop yang lagi gue makan kayaknya udah bukan Pop lagi, tapi udah jadi Rock n Roll. Anet tak henti-hentinya melepaskan pandangannya dari gue yang saat lagi lagi asik ngunyah ayam rock n roll. Padahal bentuk gue kalau lagi ngunyah gak ada bagus-bagusnya sama sekali, lebih mirip sama atlet halma.

"Kamu gak lanjut makan?" tanya gue waktu ngelirik makanan yang tidak ia sentuh sama sekali semenjak kehadiran gue barusan.

Anet menggeleng, "Kenyang." Ucapnya sambil tersenyum lebar sekali sampai gigi putihnya terlihat. Salah satu alasan kenapa dulu gue bisa suka sama Anet.

"Kamu kok gak di cafe?" Lanjut Anet yang penasaran ngeliat penampilan gue sekarang.

"Cuti hamil." Balas gue sembari menggigiti sisa-sisa daging di ayam rock n roll tadi.

Namun bukannya bete, Anet malah ketawa. Dan ngeliat dia ketawa, gue juga jadi ikutan ketawa. Dulu sewaktu kami masih bersama, kami mudah sekali tertawa di hal-hal yang sederhana. Tiap dia melihat ada postingan hewan lucu di instagram, dia pasti memperlihatkannya sama gue dan kami langsung ketawa bareng. Padahal postingannya gak penting. Cuma postingan kucing yang lagi cosplay jadi Katy Perry.

Liat ginian aja gue sama Anet ketawa coba :((

.

"Berarti gak akan balik ke cafe dong?" Tanya Anet lagi.

Gue berpikir sebentar, "Ntar aja yang shift malem paling." Jawab gue asal.

Soalnya gue juga harus secepatnya balik ke kantor Twindy daripada nanti malah terjadi hal-hal yang gak diinginkan lalu berakhir Twindy tau gue ketemu Anet dan ditutup dengan gue dibawa di keranda mayat karena babak belur dihajar Mike Tayson perempuan itu.

Anet hanya mengangguk. Ia kemudian berbicara lagi dengan teman-temannya di depan sedangkan gue lagi cuci tangan di belakang, disusul beberapa menit kemudian oleh Anet yang sedang mencuci tangan beserta peralatan makannya juga. Begitu kembali, tampaknya gue melihat teman-teman Anet sudah hampir selesai makan dan akan kembali ke kantor. Alhamdulillah, akhirnya mereka pulang juga. Tuntas sudah bakti gue sebagai mantan yang gak sengaja ketemu di Padang Mahsyar.

"Ayo, Chak." ajak Anet.

"Bentar, aku belum bayar."

"Udah aku bayar kok tadi."

"Lah? Gak usah ih! Buat apaaa??"

"Udah gapapa. Tabung aja uang makan siangnya kaya dulu. Yuk.." Anet menggandeng tangan gue pergi keluar restoran Padang ini.

Semasa kami masih bersama, keadaan keuangan gue memaksa gue untuk harus mau berhemat. Daripada tidak bisa bayar kuliah, gue lebih baik tidak makan seharian. Dulu pun biar hemat gue sering puasa senin kamis. Malah gak cuma senin kamis, tapi senin selasa rabu kamis sabtu minggu alias setiap hari gue puasa :(( Udah macam lagi melaksanakan tirakat biar bisa ilmu rawa rontek aja. Namun dulu Anet tetap berlaku sebagaimana kekasih pada umumnya. Anet yang selalu membelikan dan juga mentraktir gue makanan meski berkali-kali gue menolaknya.

"Uang yang kamu punya, tabung aja ya. Biar nanti suatu saat kita bisa punya cafe sendiri terus aku dan kamu kerja di sana sebagai suami istri, juga sebagai rekan kerja." Ujar Anet dulu.

Gue tersenyum dan mengangguk. Sore itu kami berdua menghabiskan waktu dengan berdiskusi mengkhayal jika kelak suatu saat kita punya cafe. Bagaimana dekorasinya. Menu apa yang akan ada di sana. Berapa kisaran harganya. Dan masih banyak lagi. Mengingat hal itu sekarang, membuat gue harus menarik napas dalam-dalam.

Anet masih menggenggam tangan gue. Tubuh kecil di depan gue sekarang ini adalah alasan kenapa gue dulu memilih untuk bertahan hidup lebih lama. Karena bersamanya, gue tau hidup tak sesuram yang gue pikirkan. Dia yang mengajarkan gue untuk tidak takut bermimpi. Dia juga yang mengajari gue memasak hingga pada akhirnya gue ada di posisi sekarang ini. Lalu perihal semua dekorasi cafe yang gue punya sekarang? Semuanya adalah hasil dari buah pemikiran kami berdua, yang sayangnya harus terwujud di kala gue sudah menjadi suami dari wanita lain. Mimpi yang kami rencanakan bersama, gue bangun bersama orang lain. Hal inilah yang membuat gue merasa semakin bersalah kepada Anet. Bahkan ide untuk mengganti makanannya tiap hari pun murni bukan ide gue, melainkan ide Anet yang ingin agar ia kelak bisa mencicipi semua masakan gue yang berbeda tiap harinya.

Dulu, mimpi Anet untuk kami berdua sangatlah sederhana.

"Aku mau aku dan kamu hidup dan kerja di satu tempat yang sama. Kalau sudah sampai di taraf itu pun, kayaknya aku mati juga bakal sambil ketawa saking bahagianya."

****

"Yaudah, Net, gue duluan yak." Ujar temannya kepada kami berdua.

Gue tertegun, "Loh? Kamu gak balik sama mereka juga?" bisik gue.

"Enggak hahahaha." Ujarnya sambil tertawa ceria sekali.

Ini anak dari dulu doyan bener ketawa. Dikit-dikit hahaha dikit-dikit hahaha, emaknya dulu ngidam ketemu Komeng kayaknya.

Gue makin bingung, gue masih berkali-kali melihat ke arah teman-temannya yang sudah masuk ke dalam taksi online lalu melihat ke Anet yang melambaikan satu tangannya, "Kamu sales door to door kaya penjual bubuk abate itu ya makanya gak balik ke kantor?"

"BUKAN IH ASTAGA!! JAHAT BANGET!! AKU KAN UDAH BILANG AKU INI HRD."

"Terus kenapa kagak balik ke kantor? Dispen?"

"HAHAHAHA DISPEN, DIKIRA MASIH SMA!" Anet memukul pelan pundak gue, "Aku izin." lanjutnya lagi.

"Hah? Izin? Emang bisa?"

"Enggak sih.." Anet sibuk membuka aplikasi taksi onlinenya, "Aku bilang mau ada wawancara di luar sama new recruitment gitu. Tapi sebenarnya ya enggak. Lagi males balik kantor aja."

"Buset.. Kamu gak takut gajimu dipotong nanti? Emang mau ke mana sampe males balik ke kantor segala?"

"Dipotong gaji mah aku gak masalah, Chak." Anet menunjukkan peta lokasi akhir di mana dia memesan taksi onlinenya tadi, "Aku mau ngajak kamu ke sini. Ke kostan aku yang baru. Kamu lagi kosong kan?"

HEEEEEEEEEEE... Kali ini gue kaget beneran. Bukan yang dibuat-buat. Kaget, tegang, takut, semua becampur menjadi satu. Gue gak mungkin melangkah lebih jauh dari ini. Twindy pasti bisa mencium apa yang gue lakukan meski gue sudah menyembunyikan hal itu serapat yang gue bisa. Indra penciuman Twindy kalau menyangkut kebohongan gue udah nomere uno. Nomer wahid. Denger Anet ngajak gue ke kostnya mendadak rasanya gue pengen kena Tipes aja gitu terus pingsan di tempat.

Gue sudah berkali-kali menolaknya, tapi Anet selalu tau cara terbaik agar membuat semua permintaannya dituruti. Berbeda dengan Twindy yang permintaannya wajib dituruti karena resikonya adalah gagal jantung, Anet yang memang pada dasarnya sudah memahami gue luar dalam, sangat tau cara-cara agar gue luluh dan mengiyakan kemauannya.

Dan di sinilah gue sekarang. Di depan tempat tinggalnya. Sebuah kostan dua lantai dan kamarnya ada di lantai dua bagian pinggir. Gue kadang ingin mengumpati diri sendiri lantaran kenapa bisa ada di sini sekarang. Tapi gue sendiri gak bisa menahan diri untuk pergi, alhasil gue hanya bisa pasrah ditarik ke manapun yang Anet mau.

Kayaknya Anet ini pakai pelet deh, makanya gue gak bisa nolak. Sedangkan untuk Twindy baru deh beda. Dia pasti pake santet. Sekali nolak keinginan Twindy, besoknya gue kalau batuk keluar jarum akupuntur.

"Masuk, Chak.."

Anet membukakan pintu. Gue sedikit membeku sewaktu melihat ruangan di dalamnya. Sebuah ruangan seperti halnya kostan pada umumnya. Tidak terlalu besar. Beberapa peralatan make-up terletak rapih di tempatnya. Wangi Anet yang tak berubah sejak beberapa tahun yang lalu masih sama tercium memenuhi angkasa. Yang membuat gue cukup terkejut adalah masih banyak barang-barang gue di sana. Ada gelas kepunyaan gue, piring makan, alat-alat pertukangan seperti tang, obeng, gunting. Semuanya masih disimpan rapih. Bahkan gelang dan kalung yang dulu sering gue pakai sewaktu ngampus juga masih dia simpan.

"Ini kan barang-barang aku di kostan lama. Kok bisa ada di sini?" Tanya gue penasaran.

"Ya habisnya kamu kan pergi tiba-tiba. Ninggalin semua barangmu gitu aja di kamar. Aku gak pernah tega buangnya, Chak. Jadi aku simpen aja."

"Buat apaaaan... Menuh-menuhin tempat. Malah jadi nyampah nanti."

"Biarin. Hahahaha.." Anet mengeluarkan kembalian nasi padang beserta struk di atas meja lalu ia izin pergi ke kamar mandi untuk ganti baju dulu.

Gue masuk lebih dalam, melihat ke arah laci di bawah meja dispenser. Setau gue Anet selalu menyediakan banyak minuman saset di sini. Dan ternyata benar saja, ada serenteng bungkus milo di sana. Gue buka laci satunya lagi untuk mencari gelas. Pencarian gue terhenti di depan sebuah gelas warna hitam pekat yang sudah tidak asing lagi. Gelas ini gelas spesial kepunyaan Anet. Bahkan tulisan yang tertera di permukaan gelasnya pun hasil buah tangan gue dulu.

"Gelas kepunyaan Anet. Jangan pakai!"

Gue terkekeh, gelas ini ternyata masih ada. Gue pakai gelas itu lalu menyeduh milo panas di dalamnya beserta tambahan susu kental manis, es batu yang dihancurkan, sedikit gula aren, dan terakhir taburan milo bubuk sebagai topingnya. Tak lama, Anet keluar dari kamar mandi menggunakan pakaian yang bisa. Gue menyerahkan milo itu kepada Anet dan dia hanya tersenyum manis sekali.

Kami tak banyak bicara. Anet masih memegangi gelasnya dan duduk di atas kasur, sedangkan gue duduk di kursi meja belajarnya. Untuk pertama kalinya setelah sekian lama, kami menjadi canggung untuk memulai percakapan. Sebelum tiba-tiba Anet berdiri dan menghampiri meja belajarnya dengan cepat.

"Loh, struk belanja nasi padang yang aku taruh di sini di mana?" Katanya rusuh.

"Aku buang noh di tempat sampah."

"IH! Jangan!" Teriaknya. Ia langsung bergegas mengeluarkan semua isi tempat sampahnya dan mengambil kertas yang sudah terlanjur kumal itu. Alis gue naik sebelah melihat kelakuannya.

"Jangan dibuang!"

"Emang kenapa sih?"

"Ini struk makan siang kita setelah sekian lama. Aku mau simpen! Kamu gak usah protes."

"...."

Anet membuka laci meja belajarnya dan di situ banyak sekali kertas-kertas kecil bekas pembayaran debit atm, tiket-tiket nonton bioskop waktu gue masih jadian sama dia meski sekarang tulisan di tiketnya sudah mulai pada pudar, struk makanan, foto box gue sama dia yang jumlahnya banyak sekali, tiket-tiket parkir, dan yang paling bikin hati gue rasanya patah berkali-kali ketika melihatnya adalah,  daftar belanjaan bahan-bahan masakan pertama gue waktu dulu diajari oleh Anet. Gue masih inget, gue pertama kali belajar memasak adalah membuat sebuah menu kari. Dan anet yang meminta gue belanja apa saja bahan-bahan yang perlu dibeli.

"Net... Kamu masih simpen itu semua?" Tanya gue dengan nada yang serak sekali. Baru kali ini gue merasa ingin menangis dan memeluk Anet seperti dulu lagi.

"Wah udah banyak banget sampai keluar-keluar gini.." Katanya tidak menggubris pertanyaan gue.

"Net..."

"Besok aku rapihin lagi deh. Dah lama aku gak buka laci ini. Aku kira gak akan nambah lagi, eh ternyata masih nambah satu. Hehehe."

"Anet.."

"Duh udah banyak yang tulisannya pudar. Pengen aku buang tapi sayang rasanya."

"Anet.."

Air mata Anet mulai menetes, "Aku... A-ku gak mau ngebuang ini semua, Chak.." Tangannya bergetar, ia seperti sudah menahan air mata itu sejak lama. Kakinya yang sudah tidak kuat menopang membuatnya terduduk di depan semua kenangan-kenangan itu, air matanya deras mengalir. "Aku gak mau buang itu semua karena.. Karena aku gak mau kehilangan kamu untuk kedua kalinya, Chak.."

Mendengar hal itu gue langsung memeluk Anet yang kini menangis hebat. Ia meracau tak jelas. Berusaha bercerita tentang sejarah-sejarah dari setiap kenangan yang ia simpan. Tapi semakin ia menjelaskan, semakin deras saja air matanya.

"I-ini.. K-kamu inget ga? I-ni waktu kita nonton terus pulangnya kehujanan.." Kata Anet sambil meraih salah satu tiket bioskop di dalam laci, "Dan ini.. I-ni aku inget banget. Masih sangat aku inget. I-ni belanjaanmu terakhir kali sebelum kemudian besok kamu menghilang dari hidup aku, Chak.. Hari terakhir di mana aku gak pernah bisa ketemu kamu lagi setelahnya. Hari... Hari di mana aku ngeliat senyum kamu untuk yang terkahir kali. Hari di mana aku gak tau kalau itu hari terakhir sebelum kemudian kamu menyiksa aku dengan kepergianmu setiap hari."

Anet menangis hebat, ia meremas struk belanjaan itu hingga bentuknya tak lagi utuh. Struk yang selama ini ia jaga dengan baik-baik hingga masih dalam bentuk yang begitu rapih tanpa ada lipatannya sama sekali itu kini rusak tercerai berai karena ia remas dan basah terkena air matanya sendiri.

"Kalau aku tau itu adalah hari terkahir di mana kamu bakal pergi dari hidup aku, Chak... Aku akan egois dan nahan kamu agar kamu gak pergi!!"

Gema tangisnya membuncah mengisi ruangan kamar. Tangisnya yang terisak-isak seakan mengiris hati gue dengan begitu kasar. Gue terus mendekap kepalanya erat. Membiarkan tangis itu pecah dan segala beban yang selama ini ia emban sendiri pada akhirnya tersalurkan setelah sekian lama. Perih sekali. Rasanya begitu sakit melihat Anet menangis seperti ini. Rasanya gue berdosa sekali karena pernah pergi dari hidupnya. Sambil masih menciumi rambutnya, tangis gue juga perlahan turun dengan diiringi berkali-kali kata-kata yang itu-itu saja..

"Maaf."

"Maaf sudah pergi."

"Maaf aku harus menghilang di saat kamu sedang butuh-butuhnya."

"Maaf harus membiarkanmu menangis sendirian."

"Maaf ga ada di saat kamu terluka dan menangis tiap malam."

"Maaf harus membiarkan kamu melalui semua itu sendirian."

"Maaf sudah pernah hadir di hidup kamu."

Dan yang membuat air mata gue semakin deras juga adalah, kata-kata sederhana yang keluar dari mulut Anet untuk menjawab semua permintaan maaf gue sebelumnya,

"Kamu gak salah kok, Chak. Enggak.. Kamu gak salah meski kamu pergi tanpa mengucapkan selamat tinggal sama sekali." Anet terus menggelengkan kepalanya di tiap gue meminta maaf, "Aku gak pernah nyesel pernah sayang sama kamu."

Mungkin dua puluh sembilan tahun silam, Tuhan tidak sengaja menciptakan malaikat dalam bentuk seorang manusia. Malaikat terbaik Tuhan yang menjelma menjadi seseorang bernama Anet.

****

Kami duduk berdua di atas kasur bersandar ke arah tembok. Anet masih menggenggam milo hangatnya yang baru disentuh beberapa kali. Sedangkan gue masih terpaku menatap kehampaan di langit-langit kost. Kepala Anet bersandar di pundak gue. Sesuatu yang dulu sering kami lakukan sambil tertawa, yang kini kami lakukan sambil berduka. Kami berdua seperti sedang merayakan kehilangan. Menambal luka hanya untuk menarik tambalan itu dan kami berdua terluka lebih hebat setelahnya.

Gue menghela napas panjang lalu mengusap lembut pungung tangannya, "Kamu apa kabar sekarang? Aku sampai lupa untuk nanya hal yang paling dasar hahaha."

Anet tersenyum. Tidak tertawa seperti biasanya. Air matanya masih sesekali menetes  membasahi pakaiannya sendiri, "Aku baik-baik aja kok." Anet kemudian bangkit dari tidurnya lalu mengangkat kedua tangannya seperti orang sedang menunjukkan otot lengannya, "Aku kuat!"

Gue tertawa melihat kelakuan dia yang lugu seperti itu, "Hahahahaha, masih tetap Anet yang dulu ternyata."

"Aku gak pernah berubah kali, Chak. Kamu tuh yang berubah." Sindirnya.

Waduh, belum apa-apa gue udah diserang lagi.

"Kamu sendiri? Gimana keadaanmu?" Tanya Anet yang kembali rebah di pundak gue.

"Jauh lebih baik ketika masih sama kamu."

"Ish, jangan ngomong gitu!" Anet memukul paha gue, "Nanti aku jadi ngarep lagi sama kamu."

"Emang sekarang enggak?"

"Masih sih. Hahahahaha."

Kami terdiam lagi, mencoba mencairkan segala kecanggungan ini.

"Aku gak tau apa yang sedang kamu rasakan sekarang, Ka." Anet kembali membuka percakapan diakhir dengan panggilan kesayangannya buat gue itu. "Aku juga gak tau apa alasan kamu untuk tetap di posisimu dan tidak kembali jadi pacarku. Mungkin kamu sudah bersama orang lain. Atau mungkin kamu memang tidak mau kembali ke sini. Aku gak tau."

Anet kembali terisak-isak lagi, "Tapi sudahlah, aku sudah capek berharap. Aku sudah benar-benar putus asa mengharap kamu bisa kembali lagi ke sini. Tiap kali aku berharap, aku pasti kecewa. Tiap kali aku berpikir aku akan baik-baik saja, ternyata semua tidak berjalan sebagaimana mestinya. Aku sekarang benar-benar gak mau lagi berharap. Berimimpi pun aku gak berani. Apa yang akan terjadi besok pun aku sudah tidak mempermasalahkannya lagi. Tapi kamu tau gak, Ka, yang paling nyebelin dari ini semua tuh apa?"

"Hmm?"

"Ketika aku ketemu kamu, aku jadi berharap lagi. Aku jadi bermimpi lagi. Merasa hidupku masih ada harapan untuk bahagia lagi. Dan aku gak suka kalau aku seperti itu. Karena aku tau, bahwa kenyataan di mana kamu akan kembali sama aku itu masih belum tentu ada."

Anet menangis lagi, ia menangkupkan kepalanya di dada gue dan gue memeluknya.

"Jangan dilepas dulu ya, Ka. Please, untuk hari ini aja. Biarin aku hidup di masa lalu. Di masa di mana kamu masih ada. Di masa di mana aku masih bisa dipeluk kamu seperti ini dan aku tau aku tidak sedang bermimpi. Tolong jangan lepasin dulu. Untuk kali ini aja. Please.."

"Iya.."

Hanya kata-kata singkat itu yang bisa gue keluarkan. Gue tau Anet tidak butuh kata-kata penyemangat yang lain. Dan gue juga tidak akan menolak apa pun permintaan yang ia inginkan sekarang. Kami berdua benar-benar kembali menjadi kami yang dulu lagi. Yang masih hidup bebas tanpa terkekang oleh segala takdir busuk yang tidak kami minta kepada Tuhan ini. Siapalah gue yang bisa meminta ketika keadaan buruk ini terjadi. Gue bukan siapa-siapa yang bisa meminta meski sudah sekuat apa pun juga gue mencoba. It's not that easy.

"Net.."

"Hmm?"

"Kamu tau kenapa aku mencoba menghindar untuk bertemu kamu lagi?"

"Kenapa?" Tanyanya dengan suara pelan sekali. Seperti sedang berbisik langsung ke jantung gue sendiri.

"Karena seperti yang kamu bilang, aku gak mau membuat sebuah harapan palsu yang justru pada akhirnya membuat kamu kecewa. Aku tidak mau menyiksa kamu lebih dari ini. Aku tidak bisa pulang ke kamu kalau aku sendiri masih belum 100 persen yakin aku tidak akan pergi lagi. Itu sebabnya aku selalu menjauh. Aku tidak mau membuat kamu menunggu. Aku tidak ingin kita seperti dua rel kereta api. Saling bisa melihat, masih saling kenal, masih saling akrab, masih begitu dekat, tapi kita tau sejauh apa pun kita berdua, kita tidak akan pernah bisa bersama." Tukas gue dengan nada yang begitu pelan.

"Pagi. Siang. Sore. Malem."

Tiba-tiba Anet mulai mengoceh sesuatu yang tidak jelas,

"Coba kamu hitung, sudah berapa ribu aku melewati pagi, siang, sore, dan malem, berharap kamu datang atau setidaknya menghubungi aku? Nomer teleponku masih sama, sengaja aku tidak ganti karena aku takut siapa tau suatu saat kamu akan menghubungiku dari sana. Aku sudah menitipkan alamat kostku yang sekarang kepada penjaga kost kita yang dulu untuk jaga-jaga kalau suatu saat kamu pulang. Ribuan hari aku jalani sendiri, tapi aku tidak pernah lupa bagaimana suara kamu. Bagaimana cara kamu tertawa. Bagaimana cara kamu menuruti semua yang aku mau. Bagaimana wajah bahagiamu ketika masakanmu berhasil dan rasanya benar-benar enak. Aku tidak bisa lupa dan aku masih menunggu kamu, Ka. Diam-diam se-tidak-ingin apa pun aku berharap, nyatanya ternyata aku masih. Jadi kalau kamu tanya apakah aku akan menunggumu atau tidak..."

Anet terdiam sebentar.

"I'll wait for you until the very end." Lanjutnya lagi.

"Aku mau nunggu kamu, tapi aku juga takut kamu sudah benar-benar menghilang. Sayang sama kamu rasanya seperti penyakit. Dia menjalar ke seluruh tubuh dan gak akan pernah bisa aku singkirkan kecuali aku mati."

"Hus.. Jangan bilang gitu." Gue mengelus kepalanya lagi.

"Sudah bertahun-tahun kamu pergi dan aku tidak pernah bisa melupakan kamu sedikitpun dari kepalaku. Tidak peduli sekuat apa pun aku mencoba, aku benar-benar gak bisa. Tiap aku memejam, bayangmu semakin nyata. Terus setelah semua yang kamu lakukan kepadaku ini apa kamu berpikir aku akan memaki-maki kamu? Apa aku akan menyumpah-serapahi kamu? Apakah aku akan memukulmu dan mengatakan semua hal-hal buruk di dunia ini hanya karena kamu pergi meninggalkanku? Terus apa kamu pikir aku bisa membenci kamu? Enggak, Ka. Enggak. Kamu tau aku, kan? Aku yang kamu kenal selalu bisa memaafkan apa pun yang kamu lakukan. Karena aku tau, Chaka tidak akan pernah melakukan sesuatu yang jahat tanpa alasan yang gak masuk akal. Tapi aku akui, rasanya sakit banget, Ka, mengetahui kamu pergi di saat aku sedang butuh-butuhnya. Bayanganmu menghantui aku tiap malam, kamu sering hadir dalam mimpi. Sudah tentu aku bahagia di sana, lalu ketika keesokan paginya aku terbangun dan aku kembali dihantam kenyataan bahwa kamu sudah gak ada, hatiku sakit sekali. Begitu saja terus setiap hari. Bahkan ada satu waktu di mana aku enggan sekali tertidur. Aku enggan sekali memejamkan mata karena aku tau aku akan menemui kamu di sana. Semua tak lebih dari rasa sakit yang dengan terpaksa harus aku jalani setiap hari tanpa bisa aku mencegahnya."

Anet melihat ke arah gue dengan mata yang sudah penuh dengan air mata, "Kamu tau, ka? Hari di mana kamu pergi adalah hari di mana aku mati."

Anet kemudian merebahkan diri di paha gue, "Aneh ya.. Ada satu orang dalam hidupku yang benar-benar bisa mengubah seluruh keadaan tubuhku dalam beberapa detik. Dalam 60 detik, dia bisa membuatku merasa bahwa aku sedang berada di puncak kebahagiaan, tapi di 60 detik yang lainnya dia bisa menghancurkanku menjadi jutaan kepingan. Begitu saja terus. Tapi sialnya, aku tetap saja menunggunya untuk pulang. Bodoh banget kan, Ka?"

"Net.."

"Engga, Ka! Kamu diem dulu! Aku dulu pernah janji aku gak akan pernah berhenti ngobrol sama kamu, kan? Jadi sekarang kamu diem aja, biarin aku yang bicara."

"...."

"Aku sadar mungkin kamu sudah tidak mencintai aku lagi. Aku juga sadar mungkin kamu sudah melupakan beberpaa kenangan bahagia yang pernah kita jalani bersama. Aku juga sadar kamu sudah tidak peduli lagi denganku. Tapi, Ka, apabila semua itu berubah dan kamu menjadi kamu yang dulu lagi--" Anet mulai menarik kerah gue erat, dia menangis begitu keras, "Kamu tau kan kalau aku masih akan selalu di sini menunggu kamu sampai kapan pun itu? Kamu tau itu, kan, Ka?!"

Anet kemudian menangis dipelukan gue lagi.

"Kamu bisa pergi ke mana pun yang kamu mau. Sejauh apa pun yang kamu ingin. Kamu bebas terbang dan menjadi siapapun yang kamu mau. Kamu bisa dan kamu boleh. Tapi aku minta satu hal sama kamu. Kamu gak boleh lupa kalau aku akan selalu ada di sini.  Aku gak pernah ke mana-mana. Karena gak peduli sehancur apa pun keadaanku, aku cuma punya kamu, Ka. Cuma punya kamu."

****

Hari semakin sore dan kami hanya terdiam di dalam sebuah ruangan yang menjadi saksi di mana pada akhirnya dua orang masa lalu bertemu kembali meski tidak akan pernah bisa bersatu. Gue masih belum bisa bilang kepada Anet keadaan gue sekarang. Alasan sebenarnya tentang kenapa gue tidak bisa kembali bersamanya meski gue akui gue ingin sekali.

Hidup bersama Anet rasa-rasanya begitu nyaman. Gue seperti bisa menjadi siapapun yang gue mau dan dia akan tetap menerima gue apa adanya. Ia akan selalu mendukung apa pun yang gue lakukan. Dan gue akan merasa selalu baik-baik saja ketika bersamanya meski saat itu gue sedang ditimpa masalah bertubi-tubi. Anet adalah satu-satunya wanita yang mampu mendampingi gue dengan sempurna. Ya, memang ia tidak bisa membantu gue menyelesaikan semua masalah-masalah yang gue punya, tapi bersamanya gue merasa bahwa gue selalu bisa melalui semua itu dengan baik-baik saja. Anet punya kemampuan untuk itu. Untuk meyakinkan gue bahwa semua akan baik-baik saja seburuk apa pun dunia sedang mempermainkan kami berdua.

Gue bisa bercakap ratusan jam bersama Anet membahas dari hal-hal lucu sampai hal-hal tentang blackhole atau kumpulan alien di seluruh alam semesta sekalipun tanpa bosan. Kita benar-benar seperti dua orang yang memang diciptakan untuk bersama, tapi tidak ditakdirkan untuk hidup berdua.

Gue tidak bisa berlama-lama di sini. Setelah menjelaskan beberapa alasan yang gue karang sendiri, akhirnya Anet mau melepaskan pelukannya meski gue tau ia enggan. Anet masih diam di sana terduduk di atas kasur. Menatap gue yang sudah berada di bibir pintunya bersiap menutup pintu itu dan pergi.

Anet menangis keras sekali lagi.

"Jangan pergi lagi, Ka.... Aku mohon..." Tangisnya menguat.

"Doakan aku bisa secepatnya pulang ya, Net." Jawab gue parau.

Anet mengangguk kencang berkali-kali sambil masih menangis seakan ucapan sederhana gue barusan mampu membuatnya hidup kembali.

"Jangan lama-lama perginya,Ka. Cepet pulang... Aku akan nunggu kamu di sini" Ucap Anet dengan suara gemetar, "Aku mohon, Chaka, jangan menghilang lagi... "

Perasaan gue campur aduk. Di satu sisi, gue ingin kembali. Tapi di sisi lain, gue tidak tau apakah langkah gue pergi dari pintunya ini akan menjadi langkah terakhir sebelum kemudian kami tidak akan bisa bertemu lagi apa tidak. Gue benar-benar tidak tau.

Sebelum pintu itu gue tutup, gue kembali menatap Anet yang masih saja menangis di atas duduknya.

"Net, apa kamu gak lelah menunggu terus seperti itu?" Tanya gue memastikan untuk terakhir kalinya.

Dia menggeleng pelan,

"Buat kamu?" Anet tersenyum menatap gue dengan mata sembabnya, "Gak pernah."

                                                  Bersambung

Part sebelumnya: INDEX

[otterbeesfanficblog]

One Hell Of An Emotion

Supernatural x sibling!Reader (neutral pronouns)

A/N: Gender dysphoria + Period cramps + holiday season + several mental illnesses = THE BEST DAY OF MY FUCKIN LIFE ™ This is really just me venting so, you don't need to read it if you don't want to, but all of what is written is what happens to me daily

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

This goes into detail of suicidal thoughts and suicide attempt. These may be triggering for some people. If these are at all not good or dangerous to you mental health, DO NOT READ. Read at your own risk. Know that you are loved, you are enough, and you are never alone. If at all you feel your life is threatened, please contact a helpline.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Nothing went right, not the hunt, not the research, you even let two people die because you were too slow. You knew it was all your fault, when wasn't it your fault? First you fucked up the research, ending up thinking it was the wrong monster, then two poor, innocent people had to pay for your mistakes.

You're a failure, a mistake. You knew you should have stayed back, they did too. Hell, they even told you, but did you listen? Of course not.

All because you have Winchester blood pumping through your veins, you thought you could do it. They have been training you so hard, teaching you the ropes.

And here's the kicker boy's and girl's, that monster fuck got away. Because of you. All because of you.

Stupid. Idiot. Failure. Mistake. Worthless. Lousy example of a human. A waste of time–

"Y/n," It was Sam, of course it was Sam, Dean was probably off the walls pissed at you. "Y/n, come on, can I please come in?"

He'd been begging outside the door like a lost puppy for the last 20 minutes now, and oddly enough, he kinda sounded worried.

Who were you kidding? He's not worried, he's pissed. But he's the 'emotional' brother, he's the one who has to tell you it wasn't your fault, that it was okay, that you could feel bad about this.

No. You had no right to fail. No right to lose him. You have no right to feel sorry for yourself. You have no right to get sad and lock yourself away in this cold, lonely motel room.

Sammy couldn't pretend like this was acceptable, Dean sure couldn't — God, he must be seething with anger right now— who are you to expect people to come comfort you for something that could have been avoided.

The tears streamed down your face as you got more and more angry with yourself, the pain, fear, anger, and sorrow of failure were hitting.

Hard.

You jaw was clenched, hot tears rolling down your face as you dug your nails into your palms. Sam's voice only added on to the self hate that was boiling up and drowning you, his gentle, forgiving and loving brotherly voice only made the pit in your stomach worse and the tears to fall faster.

They were mad, so very very mad. They had to be. You failed even after all they taught you.

You don't want them to be mad, you couldn't stand to look at their faces.

It wasn't the anger you didn't want to see. Your heart sank more and whimper left your mouth at the meer thought.

They were disappointed in you. Oh, that hurts. You disappointed them and they would never trust you again, not after this, after what you did.

Curling closer to yourself, you rocked back and forth, desperately trying to calm yourself down, trying to breath normal.

They hate, you know they do. They're gonna leave you somewhere and never look back, they are gonna finally get rid of you like they always wanted.

You know it.

They've never said these things, but you knew deep down they wanted to. You could see it in their eyes.

You were angry at yourself again.

What right do you have to cry? That couple is dead because of you! They had families that loved them! That looked for them everywhere! And you should up to them saying their dead?

Without even thinking, you stomped your way into the bathroom, almost punching the light switch on.

Your face was all red, eyes puffy and wet, nose was disgustingly runny, you had drooled and now you looked at yourself with nothing but disgust and anger.

No one should have to deal with a bug like you. You're better off dead like you were supposed to be, the boys shouldn't have even tried looking for you let alone bring you back.

You died in the womb after Sammy was born like you were supposed to, it was life's — no, God's way of saying "get this filthy stain off the planet before it can even breath a drop of air."

And yet here you are, living, breathing... Wasting air, barely living. Castiel took you from heaven in your teen years, so here you stood, a teen-ager who's only wish right now is to be dead like God intended.

You slammed the bathroom door shut, making sure to lock the door so that no one and nothing could stop you.

Staring at yourself angrily in the mirror, you glared at you sniveling coward like reflection.

Were you finally going to grow a pair and do it? Yo stop pushing down all your feelings and thoughts and just let yourself disappear like you and everyone else in the world wants?

Looking to the bathroom counter, you saw the small bag of medications calling your name. The small but sharp scissors shined a brilliant like at you, begging to be used.

You chest felt light at the thought of finally letting go of all this pain, but the tears didn't stop, instead they got worse.

There was a little voice in your head, screaming, crying, begging for you to listen to it. It's telling you not to, it's telling you to run to your brothers open arms, it's telling it's okay to cry and feel emotions, it's telling you that you are not a mistake and so, so so many people love and care about you.

People who would be devastated to see you go, heart broken, to know you were only feet away from them, fighting a war in you head... And asking no one for help.

But you didn't listen... You never listened.

That's what landed you hear in the first place, why you needed to do this.

You didn't think twice before grabbing the small bag, taking out all the meditations you thought would make you pass out the fastest.

Beggars can't be choosers when it comes to fast or slow, painful or peaceful deaths, but it doesn't mean you won't try.

You opened and downed them all, every single pill, emptying every bottle. Leaning down and drinking the faucet water, making it feel less stuck in your chest. But you did want to wait anymore.

The more time went by, the more you got scared, the more tears came, the more you regreted this, the more you wanted to call out your brothers names for help. Call out to anyone. Anyone who would listened.

Before you could regret more, you took the scissors off the counter and quickly dragged it across your arm.

One long, deep cut from your wrist to your elbow... And it didn't hurt.

You always imagined it would hurt.

Sliding to the floor you repeated this pattern as many times as you could on the one arm before going to the other.

It was oddly satisfying, painless and like cutting length wise down a piece of paper. Clean cuts.

The red was everywhere, but you couldn't feel it, the same way you couldn't hear your brothers break open your motel room door.

It was like everything was slowing down, you slowly set the red scissors down on the ground next to you, you slowly whimpered and cried out to your brothers in the weakest voice ever imagined.

The bathroom door slowly broke open, both Sam and Dean slowly ran over to you, dropping to your sides and taking your bloody arms, desperately trying to stop the bleeding.

They were crying, or maybe it was you? Either way, tears were falling down their faces as they called out to you, screamed your name, begging you to keep your eyes open, not to leave them.

But they sounded so far away. So so far away, even with Sam rubbing his head on yours, crying out your name next to your ear he was so distance. Even with Dean, desperately trying to keep face and tell you to stay awake, he was far away too.

And for a moment, it was like time stop.

You saw a sudden flash of tan and a rush of emotions and feelings came over you. You could all at once feel the pain in your arms, then not. The fullness in your stomach, and thick feeling of pills lodged in your throat, then not.

Anger, joy, sadness, confusion. But the worst one of all, an emotion you were drowning in. An emotion that made you scream at the top of your lungs in pain, not physically, but the aching feeling in your chest made you want to rip your own heart out.

You felt guilty. Guilty for doing this to yourself, to your brothers you held you so desperately tight — afraid that if they let go, you would be gone— to Castiel, the Angel of the Lord who stood before you with the saddest blue ocean eyes you had ever seen.

You felt guilty on behalf of the people who loved you but who are gone. Your mother, who wanted you just as badly as Sam. You're father, who wanted so badly to know what his lost child would have grown to be. Bobby, who held you close to his heart just like your brother because you were his kid.

There are so many, so many people, here or not. Living or dead. That wanted you to live. That didn't think you were a mistake, that didn't want you to leave.

You shake as your screams quiet down to whimpers, holding onto Dean and Sam so tight it hurt but you didn't care. They wanted you here, they wanted you to live and breath and laugh and cry and sing and dance... They didn't want you to take your life. Not from yourself... And not from them.

"I'm sorry... I'm so so sorry..." It was a phase you repeated over and over through sobs, desperate to show then how sorry you were. But they didn't say anything, only holding you tighter.

What was left of the Winchester family, huddled on the tiled floor of a motel bathroom, holding one another for dear life, begging the world to leave them alone.

Let them be happy, let them not have to bee heros, to let then fight the wars in their head before Bing sent out to fight a war they had no need to be a part of.

And soon, the tears stopped, the tight grips loosened, and then you all sat, on the floor, quietly.

Castiel sat in the door frame, watching you all with protective eyes, standing guard, ready for any enemy to try to hurt the humans he as come to love and no as family.

Here now, in this moment, he would not let anything happen to you. He would fist watch heaven fall and hell rise before he let anything harm the people he calls family, and that was a silent vow he took.

Your face was still red, nose still stuffy and wet, eyes puffy and soon you began to feel the headache start to arrive.

You let out a sigh, wiping a hand over you eyes as you spoke in a raspy tone of voice.

"I would get some advil but um... " You glanced up at you small bag, all the medicine bottles were empty. Sam was the next to speak, sounding just as tried, if not more, than you.

"Too soon."

You let out breath of air that almost sounded like a laugh, and Dean, the loving big brother he was, threw his arm over your shoulder and sighed.

"I could really go for a Burger."

Before Sam could complain about now not being the time, you then burst out laughing, new tears starting to come to your eyes.

Not sad tears or angry tears, joyful tears, relief tears.

A weight was lifted of your chest that made you feel light and giddy, the laugh you let out made all three men smile, knowing this was a sign of you being okay.

There was no possible why they were letting you out of their sight tonight, not that you were complaining, but they now knew that Y/n that they knew and loved was okay, at least for now.

"You want a burger too? And some fries? Oh, like, 5 packs of fries and like 3 huge burgers. Huh? Who's with me? Is it you?"

Dean pokes you in the side, a smile reaching his eyes as you giggle and flinch away from his pokes, leaning into Sammy who was smiling ear to ear at your now happy state.

You all made a trip to nearest food joint, you and Castiel sat in the back and Dean and Sam in front as always.

You ate, you laughed, you love, and you are alive.

Guilt, sadness, shame, regret, anger, fear. These are all emotions, strong ones at that.

But damn.

Love is one hell of an emotion.

[butgilinsky]

rivals pt 2 // sweet pea

warning; language, violence, anger, implication of thoughts of suicide-ish 

summary; Malachi’s arrested for the racing incident. when he returns, he wants to raise hell. when y/n supports his actions, sweet pea tries to stop her, which only pushes her further. 

y/n/n = your nickname (also, the events that happen in the actual show may be out of order for the fit to progress how I want it to, but I'll try not to mess it up too. much(: )

(pt 2 of _ )

pt 1.  pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4 pt. 5 pt. 6

sweet pea x ghoulies!reader

y/n’s eyes darkened, her fist flying into the wall as she screamed out in frustration. 

“and you let every single one of them walk away?” her voice boomed throughout the warehouse, making the boys in front of her flinch. “not a single serpent touched? not a single northsider’s face in the dirt?” she got into one of the boy’s faces, the boy she had known the longest. 

y/n wasn’t close to many of the ghoulies, purely because they were scared of her, and she knew not to get too close to them, or she’d feel bad about beating their faces in. she stayed close to Malachi, or far away from them all together. 

“you let my brother get fucking arrested?” she screamed into the boy’s face, making him flinch slightly. 

“there was nothing we could do. if we didn’t run, there was no way we would’ve gotten out alive.” he tried to explain to her that the rest of the ghoulies had to run in order to get away from the cops, but she was fed up. 

“you joined this gang six years ago. my brother confided in you, knowing you would be able to keep shit together if something happened, and you let him get fucking arrested?” her fist collided with the boy’s cheek, making the rest of the boys squirm uncomfortably. 

the boy held his cheek, grimacing in pain. 

“you’re worthless.” she mumbled, pushing past him as she picked up the bat by the door and got into the truck outside. 

she drove to the wyrm, listening to the loud voices inside of the wyrm and seeing a bunch of nicely parked bikes outside. 

she took the bat to all of the mirrors she could find, smashing the mirrors and kicking the bikes over in frustration. 

when she was finished, she got back in her truck and drove off, seeing serpents rush out o the bar in her review mirror. 

she punched the steering wheel as she drove around the Southside, deciding on going to the one spot she knew she’d be able to be alone. 

she sat on the edge of the small cliff that was only about two feet off the ground. she picked up rocks that laid around the area and threw them into the water below her, trying to sort out her thoughts. 

“didn’t know ghoulies had infected this part of town too.” she turned around to see the one and only sweet pea standing behind her. 

she rolled her eyes and kept throwing rocks into the little pond as he sat beside her, making her roll her eyes again. 

“didn’t think you’d ever voluntarily sit next to a ghoulie.” she spit, confused by his actions. 

“no matter how tough you are or pretend to be, your brother was just arrested. nobody needs to be alone in that situation. and no matter how much I hate that you’re a ghoulie, and I know you trashed our bikes, I also know that you’re going through a lot of shit, and you didn’t choose to be the sister of the ghoulie king.” his words were sincere, and she nodded at all of them, seeing truth behind all of it. 

“I love my brother, but I didn’t want to get wrapped up in all of this. I know why he did all of it, but it’s consumed him. as much as I have my moments where all I see is red, I’m a little more sensible than he is.” sweet pea nodded, believing her. 

“I told him not to go to that fucking race. northsiders always have a different idea.” she mumbled, recalling every time she told Malachi it was going to turn out poorly. 

“none of us knew he was doing that.” y/n rolled her eyes, not fully believing that every serpent was innocent. 

“he’s going to fuck this whole town up when he gets out.” she looked at the boy sitting beside her, who nodded slowly, not wanting to think about Malachi getting out. it was going to be bad for everyone in sight. he believed the serpents knew about the cops, and he would make sure everyone knew that getting him in trouble was the wrong decision. 

“yeah we’re all in trouble when that happens.” sweet pea said with a slight smile. 

the girl let a small smile poke through. a real smile. 

“I don’t think I've ever seen you smile, like really.” sweet pea teased, nudging the girl slightly. 

“I don't think I've smiled sincerely in years.” she mumbled, watching pea’s smile fall a little. she laughed slowly, making sweet pea’s eyes snap up to meet hers. “I told you I make you nervous.” she whispered, hearing the boy laugh softly. 

“you don't make me nervous.” he brushed off, making the girl roll her eyes. 

“whatever you say, snake.” 

***

the two kept their distance at school, knowing that their tiny spark of a friendship was never allowed to be exposed to either side of the Southside high cafeteria. 

the two often only saw each other at the small cliff the two went to. 

but today was the day Malachi was getting out. y/n waited outside of the jail, waiting to see her brother walk out in all of his ghoulie glory. 

when she saw the curly headed boy walk out, her smile widened as she ran to her brother and threw her arms around his neck. 

“I told you to stay away from that race, idiot.” she teased with a wide smile on her face.

he rolled his eyes but smiled down at his sister, kissing the top of her head. 

“I'm sorry. but I'm here now. you okay? held down the fort while I was gone?” the two got into y/n’s car and drove back to the warehouse the rest of the ghoulies were waiting at. 

“do you know who you’re talking to, Mal? of course I held down the fort.” she smirked at his playful smile as he ran his hands through his curly hair. 

when the two got back to the rest of the ghoulies, Malachi got out of the car to multiple cheers and victorious yells as he stepped onto a stool someone brought out. 

“let’s raise hell to those northsiders.” he yelled at the end of his speech, making everyone cheer in victory. 

the group pulled up to the diner on the Northside, Malachi’s eyes locked on Archie’s jacket peeking through the window. 

when Archie walked outside, he was followed by the rest of his Northside crew, along with a few serpents, which surprised y/n. 

“double whammy. serpents and northsiders? the more the merrier.” Malachi smiled at the sight, taking large steps to the people that waltzed out of the diner. 

y/n stayed back, sitting on Malachi’s bike. she rolled her eyes when sweet pea sent her a knowing look, telling her this wouldn't turn out good. she shrugged softly, her sinister smile creeping up onto her lips. she loved a good show. 

sweet pea said something to jughead, who tried to grab his shoulder, but sweet pea shrugged out of his grip and walked over to y/n, his jaw clenched. 

“you’re just going to let your brother raise hell? what the hell y/n-”

“stop right there. I get that we’re ghoulies and you think little of us, but Archie got my brother arrested, pea.” her voice was low, but pointed. she was angry that he didnt understand her situation, event though he knew how hard she was taking the fact that Malachi had been in jail.

“that doesn't excuse the fact that he’s trying to tear this place apart.” pea’s voice raised a little. y/n rolled her eyes, laughing sarcastically. 

“I should've known better. no matter how much you tell me you can see my soft shell underneath my tough exterior, you don't. you just see a little ghoulie girl. you see a girl that’s hidden behind spiked baseball bats and fancy cars. you see me as Malachi’s little sister. you’re just like everyone else.” she was infuriated, that the boy she tried to gain as her secret friend hadn't been what she thought all along. 

she stood up off of the bike, her chest almost pressed against his. 

“and no matter what you think of me, I'm a ghoulie. and Malachi’s my brother. you don't pick your family. but you sure as hell don’t turn your back on them when they’re all you have. Malachi’s all I have, pea. and no matter how many heads he smashes, he does it for me. but that’s probably too complicated to get into your thick skull.” she pressed her hands to the boy’s chest and pushed him away from her, her eyes filled with anger and hurt as she shook her head. 

“listen, I hate that we grew up on different sides of the Southside. I hate that I can’t comfort you in front of people. but I hate it when you just run back to him like he’s a good person-”

“you don’t know anything!” she screamed, gaining a sliver of attention from different ghoulies around her, who quickly went back to their fight. “you know him as the king of the ghoulies. drug runner and hell raiser.” she shook her head, her arms spread out wide as she spoke with hand and arm movements, her ager taking over. 

“you see him as the bad guy in this town. the bottom of the totem pole. the scum of Riverdale. guess what pea, he’s all I fucking got. he’s my big brother. he’s always been there for me, when everyone else skipped out on me. you don’t know why he is the way he is, or why I am the way that I am. he was there for me when every other person turned their back on me. he turned his back on those that turned their backs on me. he’s the top of my totem pole. the number one person in my life.” she was screaming, but the various fights around her were muffling her screams. nobody was watching the girl scream at the serpent, because they were throwing or receiving too many blows to the face and head to focus on anything else. 

“you may not like him, since you swore into some pathetic group that forces you to hate us. and thats fine. you can run around and scream your stupid serpent laws all you want, swearing by your loyalty to them. I respect your loyalty, but that doesn't mean you have to spit in my face because of who I grew up with. you can hate my brother all you want, but I swear to god if you try to lay a fucking finger on my brother, I'll make you wish you never became a god damn serpent.” the girl shoved the boy once more before walking up to Malachi that was standing over the red haired northsider, swinging his spiked bat in a circle. 

she grabbed the boy’s elbow, gaining his attention. his sinister smile fell the instant his eyes connected with his sister’s. 

“what’s wrong?” he dropped the bat so it was hanging normally, his foot still pressed on Archie’s chest. 

“I want to go, mal.” the girl showed no clear emotion to the northsider lying underneath them, but her brother could see right through her. 

“I can’t call them off, y/n/n” his eyes were softer than they ever were when he looked at other people, which let her know he was regretful. 

“I don't care about them. I just want to go. I'm tired of these fucking rats.” her eyes flicked down to Archie, who rolled his eyes. the built up anger inside her started to boil at the small gesture. 

she clenched her jaw, putting all of her anger into her motions as she raised her foot off the ground and sent it flying into Archie’s side, making him yelp in pain as his hand instinctively went to grip the area she just kicked. 

“don’t look at me.” she seethed, her anger taking over her entire body. “you know what, we can stay.” she looked at Malachi who’s eyes were now filled with concern. 

no matter how evil people believed Malachi was, he knew deep down, his sister was darker. she had more reasons to hate the world than Malachi, which mean the had more fuel to add to her internal fire. 

she grabbed the spiked bat out of Malachi’s hands and swung it around as she turned around to see another bulldog walking towards her. she put all of her strength into a single swing to the boy’s side, watching as he fell over and gripped his now bleeding side. 

she looked at sweet pea once before throwing the bat into a car window, hearing the siren go off. she stood still after that, her legs parted slightly as she held a strong stance, staring at the serpent with a lack of emotion. her jacket had fallen off of one of her shoulders, her boots had scuffs on them from previously kicking things around. her black hair was covering part of her face and the infamous black paint Malachi always had was fading underneath her eyes. 

she dropped the bat to her side, letting it fall onto the gravel below her as she slipped her jacket back onto her shoulder and walked past the tall boy, leaving everyone behind her. 

she walked down the street of the Northside, glaring at everyone that she came in contact with. when she reached the famous train tracks, she found her feet stopping as she stood in the middle of the tracks. 

she smiled softly to herself as she glued her feet to the tracks, looking down the metal track as she heard a soft train in the distance. she saw a boy run into her peripheral vision, smirking at the snake boy. 

she smiled at him, looking back at the oncoming train. a few moments before the train got too close, she turned to sweet pea and took a step backwards, stepping off the tracks and allowing the train to separate her from the snake boy as she finished the walk back to her house. 

taglist:

@river-serpents @topstory21

[hooked-on-elvis]

[FAN STORY] "Presley's WONDERFUL -- Singer's Kiss Leaves Girl, 13, Real Shook" by Naomi Callarman — Albuquerque, New Mexico, April, 1956.

"He kissed me and ... oooh!"

Those older and more sedate may find 13-year-old Carla Singer's statement a bit incoherent. But not any of her fellow teen-agers enraptured by the nation's current bobby-sox favorite, singer Elvis Presley.

Carla [Singer], daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Singer, 4916 San Luis, NW, is the envy of all her feminine classmates at St. Vincent's Academy today--she was kissed, "really kissed" by Presley following his performance at the Armory last night.

Her big moment came when Presley was leaving the Armory about 11:30 following his final performance. As Carla breathlessly tells the story (. . . all the girls want to know just everything that happened):

"We were all crowded up there at the door waiting for him to come out and when he did all the girls started swarming around him and pushing to get up closer ( . . . and he almost had his coat pulled off) and some of them begged him to kiss them. . . ."

"Friendly Kisses"

"So he kissed two or three of the girls . . . but they were just sort of friendly kisses on the cheek . . . he kissed Nancy (classmate Nancy Hebenstreit) like that. . . ."

"I was just sort of standing there and he looked over at me real sweet and reached out his arms and put them around me and kissed me, not just a friendly kiss (Nancy said he even closed his eyes).

". . . I'm still just dazed, I'll never forget it ever, it was the MOST wonderful thing that's ever happened to me."

Carla, "still just dazed" as she is, and Nancy, (even though she got only one of the "friendly kisses") are fired today with plans for starting a local chapter of the "Elvis Presley Fan Club."

"I'm going to have to write back to his main fan club in Tennessee and see what I have to do to start one here (I want to see if I can get his picture too). . . I know there are at least 12 girls here in school who'll want to join right away," Carla says.

Elvis Presley, Scotty Moore, Bill Black and D.J. Fontana at the National Guard Armory on April 12, 1956, Albuquerque, New Mexico.

Attracts Big Crowd

Presley, a "rock 'n roll" singer who was recently signed to a long-term movie contract on the basis of his sudden success with the teen-agers, attracted one of the largest crowds ever to attend a performance at the Armory.

Police Lt. Walter Coleman said that 10 off-duty policemen were hired by the Armory management to handle the crowds, mostly composed of teen-agers like Carla and Nancy.

After the show the police officers had to form a "guard" around Presley to keep him from being completely mobbed by his eager fans.

About the only comment that Carla can manage today on Presley's performance is " . . . Oh, he was just wonderful."

"I'll never forget it," she breathes dazedly.

The London Daily Mirror flew its Hollywood correspondent here to report Presley's appearance.

— Albuquerque Tribune - April 13, 1956.

Elvis Presley, Scotty Moore, Bill Black and D.J. Fontana at the National Guard Armory on April 12, 1956, Albuquerque, New Mexico.

The full article. Albuquerque Tribune - April 13, 1956.

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ADDITIONAL INFO: Now, Carla Singer, the girl Elvis "really kissed" we're talking about here, was friends with Nancy Kozikowski (then Nancy Hebenstreit). Nancy is a successful artist today. She had her picture with EP taken in Las Vegas, 1956 (unfortunately Carla didn't have the same good fortune as far as I know), and has a story to share on that. I shared a different article on that story here.

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