#saddest most pathetic wet cat of a man

[justonebitebaby]

i know we're all focused on the "i have love for you, edward" line but can we PLEASE talk about the "who am i to you?" exchange??? who am i to you? how do you perceive me as a part of your life? do you care for me the same way i care for you? am i just your rabid guard dog, eager to bark and bite for you and take a hit from you, loyal to a fault because any kind of attention from you means that your eyes are on me? i have love for you. i'm sorry

[when-wax-wings-melt]

damn girl! i am lying facedown in the mud

[cemeterything]

obi-wan is the saddest most miserable clown of a man ever created his entire life is a cosmic joke his default expression is the closest thing you'll ever see to a sopping wet cat staring pathetically at you with weepy eyes on a human being and it's kind of heartbreaking but also kind of funny. whatever the opposite of god's favorite is, that's obi-wan kenobi. the universe has it in specifically for this one man so bad it's unreal.

[total-drama-brainrot]

i love how basically every future! au i've seen has noah divorced from emma.

it's just so funny that, instead of having the two break up amicably after dating for a while and realising they're just not compatible/meant to be, most creators go out of their way to make noah this sad divorced man who fumbled his successful lawyer wife and ended up with the short end of the stick. yes! make this man pathetic and depressed! he's the saddest wet cat in existence!

[irradiatedwarlock]

Do you enjoy vampire flicks? Do you love poor little meow meows?

Might I suggest Renfield. After all, it is the perfect time to watch vampire movies. Already saw it 6 months ago when it came out in theatres? It's streaming so why not rewatch it?

Nicholas Hoult as Robert Montague Renfield is the Poorest Saddest Wettest Littlest Meow Meow!

so so soppingly wet pathetic (He is downtrodden and absolutely miserable. He also needs someone to clean and brush him.)

skrunkly cute (He is played by Nicholas Hoult. Beauty, adorableness, and those anime eyes are part of the package.)

morally grey (He brings Dracula food, so he's essentially a mass murderer. But Dracula exercises psychological control over him. He's trapped in a toxic relationship.)

He is such a sad, little (6'3" 190 cm) man. He is morally ambiguous, to put it gently. (He really isn't a good guy.) He is ultra-violent:

He is servile. He catches prey:

But have you seen his sad widdle eyes?

Most importantly, he wants out. He doesn't want to work for Dracula anymore. He sets about constructing a new life for himself. He gets his own studio apartment and decorates it in nothing but bright colors and kitty print fabric. He cleans himself up.

He gets himself some new colorful clothes.

He is so proud of himself and I just want to hug and squeeze him. He is a mess. He is a homeless kitty cat and I want to rescue him.

[good-beanswrites]

THE MIKOTO FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS FIC WAS SO SILLY thats literally how i discovered you, never seen a better fic on my dash..... is there any way you could write something similar where fuuta gets water poured on him like a wet cat. now that i know the prisoners will go to ungoldy lengths to cure their boredome i need more content

LMAO thank you so much!! I so glad you liked it -- and I can assure you I would love nothing more than to pour a bucket of water on everyone's saddest wettest cat -- thank you for the request! 😂

“Everyone knows the greatest way to combat boredom is psychological warfare.” 

Yuno said it very matter-of-fact. Fuuta nodded in agreement.

Es was left to stare blankly at the two prisoners summed before them. “Is that supposed to explain why my panopticon floor is soaked, or why Fuuta is dripping water all over my office…?”

“It started a few weeks ago,” Yuno added, as if that would help.

“What started a few weeks ago?”

Fuuta shrugged. “Like she said. We got bored.”

“You got… bored.”

At last, Yuno explained. It didn’t take long, she told them, for the usual methods of entertainment to lose their charm. Conversations and games could only hold them over for so long. As soon as they lost interest in those things, she knew it was time to give the mental torture route a try. 

“Of course,” Es deadpanned.

“Of course!”

She was an expert at pranks, and from very early on she was able to see that Fuuta would be the perfect nemesis.

You see, everyone else took some time to figure out. She realized Mikoto took the fastest showers and used the most products, so it was easy to swap out one of his bottles just before a rapid wash. His hair was pink for two glorious weeks. She saw that Shidou was as organized as he was independent, so once she started moving and hiding his possessions, it took a long time of searching around in silent, stubborn confusion before he finally caught on. She noticed Muu was particular enough about the way she took her coffee that it only took one tiny tampering and a huge sip was spit directly into Haruka’s face. 

But Fuuta? Oh, Fuuta. There wasn't anything to figure out. He was like Mahiru in that way – what you see is what you get. He was unlike Mahiru in other ways – no one would ever dream of pranking her so often. But Fuuta could walk into a joke like no other. His reactions were just as big and outrageous every time. He was practically asking Yuno to prank him. And when had she ever refused a man?

“Hey!” Fuuta’s ears had gone bright red. “It’s not like I’m some pathetic loser!” He stuck his chin up. “I fought back just fine, don’t you worry.”

(That was, in fact, exactly what Es had been worried about.)

Both he and Yuno found themselves on the receiving end of some scares and fake bugs. They both had to struggle through a mouthful of something disgusting at one time or another. Important possessions went missing right at the very worst time. It was awful, they said. It was infuriating. Unbearable. So, naturally, they kept going. 

Which brought them to today’s stunt. With a little boost from Mikoto to get everything in place, and a captive audience gathered in the panopticon, Yuno pulled it off easily. 

They all peered around the corner at cell 003. Loud snoring echoed from inside, despite the late hour of the morning; Fuuta was the heaviest sleeper of the bunch. Yuno checked that everyone was in place. Then she cupped her hands around her mouth.

“Fuuta!” She called urgently. “Come quick! Get dressed, it's Es!” There was clattering around within the cell. It took everything in her to hold in a giggle as she added, “hurry!!” 

The bars swung open, tipping the carefully placed bucket of water above. 

Yuno bid Es to picture the beauty of the moment: the ice-cold water falling in a perfect, glimmering arc as it hit its target with a wonderful splat.

Fuuta froze in the entryway. He was missing a shoe. The half of his uniform he’d managed to get on wasn’t even fastened correctly. It, and the pajamas underneath, were entirely soaked through. His hair clung to his face, darkened and dripping. He swept it aside to reveal, in place of his characteristic fierce gaze, the saddest, most bleary eyes the prisoners had ever seen. His mouth gaped open in confusion. He shivered, flinging little droplets into the massive puddle below.

“I should have requested a camera…” she mused. His grogginess had worn off quickly, but there still existed a single moment where she could have snapped the funniest photo in existence. 

“Fuck off, it wasn’t that funny,” Fuuta clarified.

“Oh, it really was,” Yuno assured them.

Es delivered their scolding. They said this behavior was immature. They would not stand for nonsense like this in their prison. All further pranks and practical jokes were strictly banned. After dismissing the pair, they crossed their arms. 

Damn, they wish they could’ve been there…

[cantfuckbracket]

Can't Fuck Bracket - Group Stage. Group 28: Characters That Inspired Paragraphs

Jiang Cheng (MDZS/The Untamed) versus Bertrand Beaumont (The Royal Romance) versus Joe Goldberg (You)

[ID: The unfuckable pride flag overlaid with the "no bitches" meme. Jiang is a Chinese man with long hair, shown with a woozy face; Bertrand is a white man in a sweater and blazer, frowning; Joe is a white man with short hair, shown staring blankly. Over it are pictures of the contestants. Over them are sparkles and a heart with a butt, and in between them are peach emojis crossed out with the word "vs" in them. End ID]

Propaganda:

Jiang Cheng: "He’s literally such a bad date that he is blacklisted from dating pools. He’s ranked as the 5th most handsome bachelor in the cultivation world (who is the panel of judges that decide this? I really don’t know!!!) yet despite this and him ALSO being rich and powerful on top of that, women still hate him!!! Hes just that unpleasant!!!!! He’s constantly being one-upped by his adoptive brother (deserved) (4th most handsome bachelor, btw) so much so that it’s become a meme, he even lost a best mdzs character poll tournament (in the first round iirc) to said adoptive brother’s pet donkey. Literally no one wants him!!!!! He is the loneliest saddest most pathetic sopping wet cat of a man I’ve ever seen!! I’m convinced he will die a virgin" / "Guy has no game, in the drama version (the untamed) he goes after a chick who’s clearly a lesbian and just never gets any"

Bertrand Beaumont:

• like father like son innit

• he's a cunt but not in a cool sexy way. in a pathetic overgrown rat kind of way that makes you want to punt him back into the sewers

• his name is bertrand archibald beaumont. would YOU wanna fuck him???? i thought not

• the amount of times you have to help him with his relationship. like the countless apologies for being a dumb stupid shit. helping him propose. help with his vows. im 110% convinced mc had to get on video chat for their wedding night so she could instruct bertrand on what to do

• yeeeeah you can't convince me they dont sleep in separate beds in separate rooms

• and also that nasty sweater vest and jacket?????? i know he hasnt washed them in years. of course no one would go near him

• that one country outfit

• killer eyebrows? eye'm gonna kill meself x

Joe Goldberg: "The first time he gets to fuck a woman that he's stalked he finishes in like 2 seconds. Never appears to be any better at fucking any of the countless times he fucks after that. I bet his dick feels like a limp fish. Also got arrested for having sex in a public place and constantly jacks off in public like I think if you were any good at sex you wouldnt need to be doing that. Tried to have a bisexual foursome once to get his wife to leave him and he wimped out so hard at the idea of fucking another man even though he is arguably bisexual himself. The most sexual tension he ever actually had was with a hallucination of another man he had in his own head. Just kind of pathetic"

[nbspacegay]

Brennan gets to play in DnD and is just very consistently like I am going to make the saddest most pathetic wet cat of a man you’ve ever met. Like bro are you ok?? all of these characters are like hey I would thank you if you spat on me boys

[saltedsolenoid]

this is goose he's the saddest most pathetic wet cat of a man in the whole galaxy and everybody loves him

[hurtmionedanger]

Hey bestie don't be shy

top 5 favorite podcast characters and why

YOU EXPECT ME TO PICK???? PICK BETWEEN MY BELOVED GUYS???????

I am going to try to diversify beyond the magnus archives, mostly because dbd has had me in a death choke recently

With that being said, in no particular order

1. The Obituary writer from Death by Dying

Hes such an icon, normal guy and yet so so so very weird, his best friend is the angel of death, his other best friend is in his freezer and her still beating heart is on his desk, everyone thinks he’s going to kill someone one of these days based on looks alone, he has a questionable taste in fashion, hes bisexual, he has three man eating cats, he solves murders just like as a hobby, he is the most sopping wet pathetic wet cat of a man you could ever hope to meet, he is silly, what more could you possibly want from a man?

2. Jonathan Jarchivist, see prior post about this man he is so ridiculous, mf ACCIDENTALLY STARTED THE APOCALYPSE, He has been kidnapped more then princess peach, he is the eyes special little boy, hes ASEXUAL LIKE ME FRFR, he has a boyfriend who loves him very much, he likes good cows, hot singles in his area want to hunt him for sport, hes the saddest little meow meow there could possibly be.

3. Timothy stoker, managed to convey he was wearing a hawaiian shirt by voice alone, also THIS MAN IS THE ARCHIVES BRAINCELL, THE SLUTTY BISEXUAL IS THE BRAINCELL HERE WHAT DOES THAT SAY ABOUT THE ARCHIVES, BECAUSE SASHA VERY MUCH IS NOT THE BRAINCELL SHE FOLLOWED A DEFINITELY NOT HUMAN GUY TO A RANDOM GRAVEYARD WITH VERY LITTLE FOLLOW UP AS TO WHY SHE NEEDED TO GO, AND JON DOESNT HAVE IT FOR PREVIOUSLY STATED REASONS, AND MARTIN IS MARTIN, MEANING TIM IS THE ONLY BRAINCELL HERE. Also as my boyfriend can attest, i have a thing for angry men in hawaiian shirts, i think theyre hot

4. Not technically a Guy persay, but the beloved michael distortion for having a sick ass voice and an even sicker statement, shows up and just stabs the archivist just because he can, he is literally the embodiment of gaslighting gatekeeping and girlbossing and his design is very cool really regardless of how people draw him but ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY DRAW HIM WITH LIKE SUPER DISTORTED JOINTS AND MULTIPLE FACES AND SHIT LIKE MMMMMMMMM, he gets bonus points for having excellent hair and not being a who but a what

Number five hhhh how do i pick between all of my beloved podcast guys, leaving out martin because i already screamed about Why i love Martin Knife Blackwood Already

5. Georgie Barker I think has to go here, maybe alongside helen and Melanie, i love them all for very different reasons but they are just such girlbosses, georgie just doesn’t feel fear, had an existential crisis so hard her brain stopped processing it, she is the girl ever, also shes jons ex, automatically getting her more points, she had a skin clown break into her apartment and fuck with her lights and the only reason she was upset was because it meant she had to replace all her lightbulbs, Also georgie has a podcast where she talks about ghosts, which is really funny to me, and i would absolutely listen to her podcast

Honorable mentions:

Helen for season 5 shenanigans of showing up whenever JMart were fighting because she wanted the Tea

Gerry Keay for his defining trait mentioned by every single statement giver who saw him being “Really shittily dyed hair” like imagine that being your legacy

[morrowl]

I love logging onto tumblr purely to play the saddest most pathetic wet cat of a man ever

[maybeamiles]

Every time I see a picrew post come around I am compelled to make the saddest most pathetic-looking wet cat of a man as my persona and idk what that says about me

[throughdarkeningskies]

skajakas I really appreciate that every single description of ortus so far is just 'this is the biggest saddest most pathetic little baby man u have ever seen in your life. he's like wet pizza dough. if you look at him wrong he'll cry. drowned cat of a man. look at him. soggy'

[tinogiehd]

the worlds saddest wet bagel ever like Yeah he might have a cool guy scar on his eye but he attained it in the most pathetic way known to man. all he knows is minecraft wear beanie and be boyfriend:((((( my poor weeble

all he know is be boyfriend wear cat beanie and look cute :(( my crujmbly toast

[cantfuckbracket]

Can't Fuck/Bad In Bed Bracket - BONUS ROUND

Reigen Arataka (mp100) versus Jiang Cheng (The Untamed)

[ID: The unfuckable pride flag overlaid with the "no bitches" meme. Over it are pictures of the contestants. Reigen is a light skinned Japanese man, shown grimacing; Jiang Cheng is a light skinned Chinese man, also shown grimacing. Over them are sparkles and a heart with a butt, and in between them are peach emojis crossed out with the word "vs" in them. End ID]

Propaganda:

Reigen Arataka: "most bitchless motherfucker this side of seasoning city. once when asked about his previous romantic pursuits he lied by reciting the plot of titanic as if he were leonardo dicaprio" / "dude okay listen. he is chronically bitchless. when giving out advice on how to woo someone he was just reading tips off of google. there was once a big hype where the author, ONE, was going to reveal reigen’s past romantic endeavors in an in character q&a but it was just reigen making up bullshit about how he’s “DEFINITELY had so many girlfriends before and he once held one at the front of a famous boat. oh that was from a movie? UMMM well it doesn’t matter anyway.” literally just saying something from the first romance movie that comes to mind and trying to pass it off as something he did himself."

Jiang Cheng: "He’s literally such a bad date that he is blacklisted from dating pools. He’s ranked as the 5th most handsome bachelor in the cultivation world (who is the panel of judges that decide this? I really don’t know!!!) yet despite this and him ALSO being rich and powerful on top of that, women still hate him!!! Hes just that unpleasant!!!!! He’s constantly being one-upped by his adoptive brother (deserved) (4th most handsome bachelor, btw) so much so that it’s become a meme, he even lost a best mdzs character poll tournament (in the first round iirc) to said adoptive brother’s pet donkey. Literally no one wants him!!!!! He is the loneliest saddest most pathetic sopping wet cat of a man I’ve ever seen!! I’m convinced he will die a virgin" / "Guy has no game, in the drama version (the untamed) he goes after a chick who’s clearly a lesbian and just never gets any"

[frecklenog]

i'm normal (making the worlds saddest most pathetic wet cat of a man)