#schemer

[thefuzzyballs]

HE WAS A SHERIFF, HE WAS A BANDIT, CAN I MAKE IT ANYMORE OBVIOUS

[howifeltabouthim]

'Oh dear,' Guinevere said dryly. 'I hope you're not having another evil scheme, Morgan.'

Lev Grossman, from The Bright Sword

[popculturebuffet]

Thomas the Tank Engine Retrospective: Shining Time Station 4-Pack: All Hail Schemer (Commission for Lachey V)

Hello all you happy schemer's and welcome back to my seemingly bottomless Thomas the Tank Engine Retrospective. This month my mounting workload means we're doubling up as we approach the season finale of sorts for this retrospective, Thomas's first and so far only theatrical film, Thomas and the Magic Railroad.

Before we can do that though, I needed a crash course on a bit of Thomas lore I hadn't touched. So it's my utmost pleasure to introduce, reintroduce or just plane fling at you Shining Time Station. Shining Time Station was the Britt Alcroft companie's way of putting Thomas The Tank Engine in the US at first. While the show was a great kids show and merchandise machine, it had one problem: each ep was 5 minutes at most and while this wasn't a remote problem for the booming home video market, putting it on tv was tricky. While UK tv stations were more than happy to either make 15 minute block of a few episodes or air it between shows, US stations at the time really didn't like carving up their air time like that. Simplier times.

Hence shining time station, a whole ass live action show featuring puppets, live action music videos, and wraparounds. Shining Time follows a bunch of interchangable kids: White BLonde Kid, future Sapphire Erica Luttrel, and other one as they mill around a train station learning life lesssons. Around the station are Stacey(Didi Cohn) , the station's manager, Billy Two-Feathers (Tom Jackson) , who runs the workshop, and Mr. Conductor, the tiny man who lives inside the station. If that sounds jarring it absolutely is as I assumed when I heard about the character he was a regular conductor who simply had magical powers. Still a little weird but like... not as jarring as when you see a Tiny George Carlin. For the record, and I missed this on first watch, the other two adults are aware of him to the point it feels like Mr. C is watching the kids half the time so the other adults can do their jobs. And i'm okay with this as there are so many kids shows where they hide the magic and I assumed this is one. I prefer it that the adults just know, smile along with it and let the tiny magic man help pick up the slack. Mr Conductor was played by Ringo Starr in the first season but since we were only doing a small selction of episodes, Lachey decided

For constancy since a chunk of the cast changes between seasons 1 and 2, and because Season 1 apparently has an ongoing story. So instead George Carlin is our tiny magic man for this special.

Of course there's one other regular in the station who deserved his own section, a man above men. A god above god. A schemer above schemers. The Robbie Rotten of the 90's I present to you HORACE MOTHERFUCKING SCHEMER.

Scheme is a schyster who runs a small Penny arcade over in the corner. WHy he's running an old timey style arcade in the 1980s I don't know but his real passion is various scams of the week, sometimes recurting the kids and eating every inch of scenery while making every minute he's on screen a joy. He's played by Brian O Conner, is somehow not in the movie, and is the best thing that's ever existed. All hail our new god.

Anyways since Shining Time Station is important to the film, we're taking a look at 4 episodes of Lachey's Choice from seasons 2 and 3: Win Loose or Draw, Sweet and Sour, Do I hear and Billy's Party. So join me for train station antics, drawing contests, talking pianos, child explotation, elvis, crooked auctions, and thanksgiving under the cut.

Win Lose or Draw

My first episode.. and going in pretty much blind aside from "this show is a vehicle for Thomas the tank engine". So the werid shit in this series.. caught me off guard as the episode starts with a pretty simple kids show teaching a lesson predicament: the local wise old man from the general store, who I assumed would be more important but is only in one of these 4 episodes, drops off art suplies for a contest and other girl is bummed that Erica Luttrel is better than her at art. We also meet Schemer whose mad the kids are getting paper everywhere and not spending money on his old timey arcade. Is.. is Schemer a time lord? Is he our time lord and savior? This series apparently takes place in the present, but has a penny arcade. Maybe shining times' just really old. Maybe i'm just really old and this series is old even for me, it's only.. four years older than me.

Okay moving past the exestial dread, point is Schemer is great and even off to the side for this one he's a lot of fun.

So Other Girl gets a visit from the Conductor.. who as a refresher is super tiny. Yeah I meant what I said about it being jarring: I had NO idea the Conductor was tiny sized in our world. Once you get used to it it's not that weird: he can travel to other dimensions his size and thus is the size of one of the people in thomas' world, hence how he can tell their stories. Makes sense. But suddenly being ambushed with a tiny george left me asking

Now I get he's just a tiny magic man who lives in the station and watches over these kids alongside the other two main adults and who said adults know exists and are cool with it. And honestly i'd be cool with having George Carlin hang around and despense advice to children too. Who wouldn't. It's like Thomas, it's weird at first but then you just embrace how weird this is and move on.

I do like HOW mr conductor is used. Carlin is clearly having a ball and is a shockingly fantastic children's entertainer, not just good at narrating the thomas segments but at interacting with the child actors and feeling truly like some otherworldly pixie train conductor man. He's really good at this and it's fun to watch.

As for the Thomas segments .. I won't be covering MOST of them again. I didn't skip them as Lachey made the valid point that while I had seen these eps, I hadn't seen them with the george carlin narration. George is really good at the job, easily equiling Michael over in the UK.

It's just.. i've covered these stories. WIth the exception of the one for our final episode today, there's no big diffrence story wise and performance wise Carlin also does the "everyone but Gordon gets about the same voice" thing the other narrators pre baldwin did. Harold also gets an upper class rich person voice

It is nice to get confrmation that Carlin was really good at both jobs, and it was a neat treat.. but there's just nothing really new to add here. The shorts featured are good. There's only one exception, a really weird one, and we're saving that for last. So good shorts as they were before, simply don't have anything new to add for the Carlin Cuts.

So Other Girl asks George Carlin to use his magical powers to help her win the art contest.

What I like though is that the lesson isn't the usual "Oh you shouldn't cheat in competition" aseop. it's a valid one but most kids shows across demographics have done it. Fairly Odd Parents even has it as one of Da Rules.

The real lesson is "it's more fufilling to work hard at something and get better yourself instead of comparing yourself to other people and how good they are". It's a lesson kids really need.. a lesson I honestly needed and maybe I would've kept drawing. You may never be as good as some but doing it is still fun. Just do your art and improvment for you and don't take easy shortcuts. The latter.. is super relevant given the rise of AI and people using it as a shortcut instead of a tool to help them create better work. It becomes about replacing other artists instead of helping artists grow.

Other girl isn't the only one to learn this lesson as one of the jukebox performers learned it. Oh did I mention there' sa jukebox full of magical puppets straight out of pee wee's playhouse who play a song once an episode? Because Lachey sure didn't

So yeah another jarring bit but one I like. I fucking love pee wee's playhouse, so seeing this old style of puppetry again warms my heart. The story is clever too: As a boy the puppet's band leader practiced piano but didn't feel good at it. Turned out the piano didn't and was also alive and thus played the songs for him. Eventually though the boy missed trying himself and the piano concided he was getting better. It's a heartwarming story about not letting sentient insturments play for you that's once again an accidental metaphor for AI somehow.

So she submits her picture instead and unsuprisingly this is what George Carlin hoped would happen. Erica Luttrel wins but they liked something about other girls so she wins a prize.

But enough about children what's SCHEMER been up to: Well he wanted to win, and Billy said his new ink was like magic so he just casually stole it.. only to accidently send a blank picture. We also get a great bit of schemer using a mirror to take a self portrait since no one wanted to draw his face less they summon another schemer into the world. such is the price of such one of a king beauty. Billy chases him and presumibly pummels him, episode over.

Sweet and Sour

So stop me if you've heard this one: a corrupt older man approaches a kid (or kids) with a lemonade stand, offers to be their partner, then finds ways to ruin the place while screwing their new partner over.

Yeah my thoughts exactly.. to my shock the Boondocks episdoe "The Block is Hot"... is a clear remake of the Shining Time Station Episode "Sweet and Sour". Or at least conceptually. After the partnership part both take diffrent paths: Ed Wuncler overworks poor jasmine and cons her parents, while Schemer brings in his nephew Schemee, whose just as hammy at half the size , such a great child actor I swear the two have perfect chemistry and he gets Brian O'Connor's manerisims down perfectly, who cuts production costs, lowers quality and generally ruins the place.

Yet weirdly despite the gaps in when they were made, medium and one being aimed at adults and the other at the childrenest of children, they BOTH have valid advice abotu the economy. For the Block Is Hot, it's how Corporations take advantage of people or buisnesses and will work people to death no matter the age to get as much profit as possible while convincing you their not. It's an episode I don't go back to often for a reason as , while incredibly good at this lesson it's VERY hard to watch, especailly since, resliastically, ed gets away with all of it.

In contrast, the kids learn the equally valuable lesson of not putting profits over quality: how people WILL suck up with bad quality stuff in a pinch once.. but will eventually choose something better.. if it's the same price but hey i'm not expecting a show amed at younger kids to be fully honest about how fucked economics are. I'm just impressed an episode from the early 90's packed that in.

BOth have the lesson of "don't quickly make a deal with someone for the wrong reasons'. For Jasmne she simply trusted the wrong person, something hard not to do and that the episode dosen't blame her for. For the kids.. they KNOW Schemer is bad and when he offers a partnership after seeing them sell cookies to a high class lady, their first reaction is

But they take the deal because he offers a lot of money.. and for once Schemer isn't lying: Schemee's methods do improve things. I also love these two together; Schemer is super supportive of his nephew, is proud when Schemee sells cookie sso bad hteir returned so they can sell them again (Sadly a tactic i'm sure has actually been used), and shows the kid genuine pride and affection I wasn't sure he was capable of showing anyone or anything that wasn't acitvely making him money. I mean he's happy to see him BEFORE he starts cutting corners like a shady man in a gloriously tacky suit.

They then learn the hard way they screwed up as not only ar ebilly and didi not impressed with their new lemonade and cookies, but when they try to complain Schmeer outright steals the buisness. Granted most buisnesses can't be stolen with a "no butts" clause, but Scheemer is dealing with small children not the ftc... this time.

My only beef with this episode is that while the lesson is good.. the adults blame the kids fo rbeing conned by schemer. They did screw up a bit as they knew he was trouble when he walked in, but did the deal anyway.. but loosing their buisness.. was him outright conning them. I get them learning a lesson but you still have to remember these are children IN your care you let be around scheemer unsupervised. And all George Carlin did was vaugely advise them the deal was bad and let them vent later. I get George Carlin can't talk to Scheemer as he dosen't know he exists, Lachey clarified that for me, and if he did he'd of course be constantly harassing the poor miniture george carlin or try to capture him to get his pot of gold. And look I know he's not a leprechaun, you know that, but it's fair to assume Schemer dosen't know his ass from his elbow let alone that george carlin isn't a leprechaun.. mostly because WE don't know that George Carlin, in this series, isn't a leprechaun. I checked the series wiki it just says he's 18 inches tall. He could be a leprechaun, a beyonder, a bit sized timelord, we really DON'T know.

Point is they fucked up too, but they do make up for it as they point out the kids still have a fuckton of lemons they got in the buisness divorce and the kids have a creative solution: ther'es so many things they can make with lemons with Stacy's help they make everything but lemonade.. and quickly gain buisness when Schemer is ineveitbly bit in the ass by karma, i.e the ladies lunchone he was catering boycotting him till he closes up and gladly taking the kids buisness. Happy end for all. A really fun episode with a shockingly timeless moral. Good stuff.

Do I hear

Do I Hear is a decent episode, with a far less clear lesson. it doe shave a random ass music video about some kids little brother destroying anything

I did find out from this shining time ocasionally does music videos with stock footage but like everything else int his series it's a lot to take out of context.

Anyways this one has Elvis show up as a jukebox repair man.

Yeah so backing up the Station is closed for the day but the kids decide to stay behind while Mr Conductor apparently can't do more than just.. tell the kids Billy and Stacy probably had a reason to shut it down.

Naturally Schemer is still here and finds a fake nickle in one of his machines and is pissed.. till he realizes he can use it to get his revenge. So it turns out Schemer has a rivarly with the magical jukebox, which is the least suprising thign in these four episodes. Wha'ts hilarous is that in any other series this would just be a fun rivarly with an inanimate object, like Luke Cage and his coffe machine, or Mr. Parker and his boiler.

Here? The puppets in the jukebox hate schemer.. and given what we've seen of him and how he talks shit about their home and them by comparison regularly, you side with the magic jukebox. So when he tries to use the nickel on them.. they fake being broken.

What intrests me is I thought i knew where the episode was going... after Schemer dicks around on top of a jukebox because Brian O Conner is the best. HE calls a repair man , and I assumed the puppets were either going to be outed, the kids or conductor would have to protect them something. But no the kids don't know and the jukebox repairman.. is elvis.

Yeah they got an actor who honestly looks a lot like the king in his younger days, acts like him and is implied to be him. Either Elivs regenerated into a younger body, cloned himself or simply is reborn every time he dies kenny mcormick styles and rapidly ages. All possible possibly all at once. The lore of his series is rife for fan theory. Send me your own Schemer, Mr Conductor and Reborn Elvis fan theories people!

So turns out Elvis knows the magical puppets exist and tells them to play cool. He then gives Schemer a bill for 11 dollars, who naturally reacts like a mature responsible adult paying for something be broke

So he goes with plan B: have an auction. Naturally this being schemer he auctions anything and everything in the place, and the kids realize "shit we acccidently encouraged him" and try to stop this. Thankfully, while they can't reach Billy, Elvis comes back to save the day. At this point i'm at a loss for jokes.

Schemer even accidently blocks Mr Conductors way into his house.. because he lives here now I guess. Like I said you can write your own lore, mine is that it's the exact layout of snoopy's dog house pre fire. Anyways Billy and Stacy put a stop to this nonsense and instead of arresting schemer just.. scare him off. Though hilarously, and predictably his method of hiding is just.. crouching in front of the banister, which has a railing so they can see him and hoping they forget it. THey also lay into the kids.. again.. even though this time all they did was stay behind. The Schemer shit was ENTIRELY him they just accidently gave him an idea.

The puppets play elvis a song, Mr conductor talks to billy and this episode.. was fine. Not great, but it had some godo schemer acting here and there, the moral is just all kinds of confused.. but it's also hard to hate an episode that has a magical elvis and schemer hanging onto a jukebox for dear life so still good stuff.

Billy's Party

Our final episode for this batch, Billy's Party is a thanksgiving episode, as you can tell by PIlgrim Schemer showing his penis size up there. It's not a terrible idea for the setting either: A train station is giong to be super busy and the episode focuses on railroad tradition in thanksgiving instead of The Pilgrims and the various native tribes

Don't get me wrong, i'd ENTIRELY be up for an episode about Billy's heritage, and the fact the show had a native american main character but did nothign steroptical with him is magical. But I did not remotely trust a 90's tv show to do the story of thanksgiving in a way that wasn't either whitewashing it like I got as a kid, or just plain insulting.

So instead they sidestep it, going into what modern thanksgiving means. And who better to tell us about thanksgiving than thomas the tank engine? Now if you read through my sometimes breif sometimes downright insane thomas reviews, you'll know seasons 1-5.. didn't HAVE a thanksgiving episode. That's not really a thing in the UK, so it's not a thing that exists in a british show about trains.

So rather than just.. find an episode that fit the themes of togetherness.. theyt urned one of the christmas episodes into a thanksgiving episode. Which itself isn't a TERRIBLE idea; both are holidays with lots of travel, and the only real crack is there's tons of mail as that's more a christmas thing.. but then the ending has a fucking christmas tree and i'm just like.. guys. I know you couldn't edit it out but why did you pick one specifically with a christmas tree. Christmas isn't after thanksgiving. Don't start that shit with me Thomas the Tnak Engine.

While the thomas part is sloppy.. the rest... is incredibly well handled: the puppets have thanksgiving and invite a turkey over and in a nice subversion of the "oh you brought a turkey don't kill it" type of stories we get a lot, even Brooklyn 99 good as it was wasn't immune to doing one of these and also lampshading how stupid Charles was for bringing a bird to live kill on thanksgiving day to someone elses house so it worked, their just serving veggies. The turkey is a guest and a rad dude.

As for hte main part the kids wonder why they should give a shit, and Billy is trying to get to his party with , and i'm just quoting it "the yardees and the hobos". I will refer to them as the train workers and homless persons, this was 1993 after all, but it is fun to see them use the terrible h word so casually.

Turns out Billy has nowhere to go unlike the rest of the cast, but was picked to join the rest of the train people. The origin of said meal is also neat: a long time ago they were nemies, the train people not liking hitching passnegers and the homless persons not liking being kicked off their only transportation and sometimes home. But one day a signal didn't get put up in time to switch tracks so the homless persons in the area all rallied to make sure the train didn't crash, and the two sides made peace, having thanksgiving together every year as their the only two groups whose schedules synch up.

Billy ends up not being able to come as disasters keep popping up: they need a train fixed to meet demand, one of the various guests can't reach her apointment so Billy drives her, and Schemer ends up stuck on a train as part of his scam to make the holiday about giving him stuff. If that sounds underwhleming it is. I expect better and stupider from you scheemer. What a disapointing end.

bIlly is left alone.. only for the natural conculsion of everyone coming back to celebrate, including Schemer whose greatful. It's a genuinely heartwarming ending. Why the kidsa re here I don't know, I assume their parents don't exist. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.

This episode wasn't as fun without schedmer at full blast but it's still a REALLY good thanksgiving episode with some intresting ideas, and a fantastic finale.

overally I REALLY loved Shining Time Station, continuting the tradition of any thomas spinoff being better than the source thus far. It's fun, has great performances and I will be coming back here somedya on my own or if lachey wants. or if any of you want feel free to comission it .

Next Time: THE MOVIE THAT ENDED AN EMPIRE.

[number1spongebobfan]

Lady and the Seven Sea Creatures (Prologue)

This is your shining time

Climbing through stars

to your own cloud nine

It's always with you

If you can just see through

in to your shining time

It had been years since the events of Thomas & the Magic Railroad. Lily Stone grew up, and so did her boyfriend, Patch. Lily and Patch married and bore a child; a mute son.

"Christopher!" called Lily. "We're here! Sweetie, we're in Shining Time!"

Christopher didn't utter a word, but he smiled.

Lily sobbed happily, for not only did this train station reek of nostalgia, it also bought back memories of her grandpa Burnett - who passed away when she was a teen.

"Gee, this place is way smaller than when I was a kid," said Patch. "Part of growing up, huh Chris?"

Chris' parents held his hands tightly, as this was a train station - accidents could happen at any time.

The family entered inside and saw Stacey Jones at her desk, busy with the telephone line. A funny man, Schemer, clumsily fell off the steps. And there he was! Mr. Conductor running late.

"Patch! Lily!' noticed Mr. Conductor. "I remember when you were just kids! And now you've got a tyke of your own!

"Yup," said Patch. "We're currently reading our son Christopher The Railway Series. He loves the tv show."

Mr. Conductor chuckled. "Another Thomas fan. Say, would you mind if I tell you guys a story after I take my train? I bet Chris and his mom will love it!"

Patch scratched the back of his neck. "What's it about?"

Mr. Conductor shook his whistle in his hand. "Let's just say it involves a magical engine, another beloved character, and a fairytale ......"

[nerevar-quote-and-star]

Antoinetta Marie: I went straight home.

Cheydinhal Guardsman: Can anyone vouch for you?

Antoinetta Marie: Schemer.

Cheydinhal Guwrdsman: Schemer?

Antoinetta Marie: My rat. He's around here somewhere. Shall I fetch him for you?

[i-dont-clair]

You play with rubber bands as a fidget toy, I play with rubber bands as a step in my 7 step training program. We are not the same

[dollsisters]

A no-good scheming Eddy

[botherationstation]

The most unhinged version of "Pop Goes the Weasel" you will ever hear.

[thatonegreyghost]

@notthemonthbutmarch this is Marnie as a cat

[twafordizzy]

Fens mijmert over zijn eerste straat

bron beeld: biografieportaal.nl Kees Fens (1929-2008) was literatuurcriticus, essayist en letterkundige. In zijn Stratenboek gaat het over de stad en de straten in je verbeelding. Wat is jouw ideale stad en waaraan zouden de ideale straten moeten voldoen? Het levert een mijmerende Fens op die begint met zijn eerste indrukken van een straat, die waar hij geboren werd. De Dennenlaan – een veel te…

[thefuzzyballs]

Once

[howifeltabouthim]

. . . but she's also rlly calculated sometimes and not super??? stable??? (which i know sounds like an oxymoron but she kind of is an oxymoron of a human being)

Eliza Clark, from Boy Parts

[popculturebuffet]

Thomas And Friends Retrospective: Thomas and the Magic Railroad Theatrical Cut (Commission for Lachie V)

Hello all you happy people and i'ts back on the train gang for more Thomas the Tank Engine

For those of you just joining us, a recap: For the past year and a half or so, i've been covering the first five seasons of thomas the tank engine on and off for @lachievpoststhings, who comissioned these as a fan of the franchise to get an outsider's perspective and hopefully get less jokes about Henry being walled up for always and always. Your free to jump in here and i'll have a post of the restrospective so far soon after this review's finished.

The basics are one day the good Reverend Bawldry, a longtime railway enthusist, made a bedtime story for his son about trains with human faces, kept making more as the kid loved them, and eventually turned these stories into a series of succesful books. Decades later in the 80's, up and coming exec Brit Alcroft seeked to adapt these books to screen and using amazing modelwork, velvety narration from Ringo Starr, George Carlin, Micheal Angelis and more across both ponds, Thomas became a massive success. While his US airings needed a wraparound, it got one in the superb shinging time station, your standard "kids learn lessons in a place" show, except this one has a magical tiny george carlin named Mr Conductor who shows up to give advice and schemer

This glorious large ham cooks up halfbaked schemes, is distrusted by children, and makes every episode better just by existing.

So with this success Brit Alcroftt decided to take her big IP to where all big properties go: the big screen. Luckily for her Barry London, head of Paramount at the time, had a daughter who loved Thomas and greenlight the picture in 1995 with a deal inked by 1996 and a script on the way. Unluckily, sometime after London left the studio and the project was canned because new studio heads are vindictive bastards. See how Final Space was canned after a studio change and goofy movie was given NO advertising after the exec pushing for it left. Thankfully after a false start elsewhere for Alcroftt, she decided to self fiance, finding that the Isle of Mann offered tax breaks. Helping was that London landed at another studio, destination films, so with their major backing and the isle of man cut the film was good to go.

So with that the film got underway and as far as I can tell it was MOSTLY smooth apart from a mishap with a James model.Post.. was a diffrent beast. The film had drastic changes done to it after a test screening caused Execs to panic: they changed most of the voice cast since the voices for most of the main cast were seen as "too old" and the one for one of the big bads, Disel 10 "too scary". That'd be bad enough.. but then they decided to ax an ENTIRE CHARACTER, PT Boomer, who served as a human antagonist.

Shockingly the excutives doing a power meddle did nothing to actually salvage the film: it bombed at the box office, closed the door on any future thomas films and ended Britt Alcroft's time at her own company.

So that leaves us with some questions: Was the film THAT bad? Was the original cut, which we now have thanks to a blu ray specail edition in workprint form, any better? Was their any salvaging this mess or was it always a silly engine? and why was schemer left out?

While i'll never be able to figure out that last question, the rest I hope to answer by tackling both cuts in their own reviews. I'm tackinlg the theatrical first as while it's the second cut, ti's the one most people have seen and i'm not watching the work print till the review of the theatrical cut is finished as i'm judging it as most people watching it would: this is the version that's most complete, wildly avaliable and that most people have seen, so I want to view it on that merit, albeit with the understanding it was cut up quite a bit, so I am giving it a little leeway.

So join me under the cut for the maddening mysteries of the theatrical cut of thomas the tank engine. I warn you the film your about to hear about is nigh incomprehinsible, quite mad, and has alec baldwin acting like h'es taken all the drugs in the world. You've been warned. Let's begin.

So since i've already covered behind the scene's let's jump into the mishmash of scenes hastily cut together then horrifyingcally stitched back together by the studio. Because "Plot" is being more generous than this cut deserves.

So the film follows the fate of two worlds: the world of Shining Time Station and the world of Sodor where thomas and friends live, the two ends of Mr. Conductor's universe. What does that mean?

I think it's supposed to be metaphorical like saying my world.. but having a magical being say that and say that about two parallel worlds is just confusing. Did he create Sodor? Did whatever race the mr conductors are did? This is more confusing than a film about stupid train children should be.

This is also the film's approach to it's world building as a whole: just throw something in that's confusing and hard to parse, never fully explalin it and walk on to the next bit of insanity. I'm not asking for through, complex world building from a Thomas the Tank Engine film, i'm just asking for a world where any of the magic you set up makes any sense.

The two shows this comes from don't have this problem. There is weird shit in both universes.. but both universes are consitent. Sodor is a british island, exists in the 1920's, and has a massive railway ran by Sir Topham "The Fat Controller" hat. The trains all have faces and are wholly sentient and are still treated entirely as trains. That's.. it. It's just the 30's but with sentient trains. It takes getting used to, they cause tons of accidents and weird shit happens.. but it's simple.

Shining time has more magic and what not but it's still consistent: Mr C is a magical entity of some kind with a vast family, he lives in shining time but can travel the multiverse and visits sodor frequently, bringing back it's stories for the kids he mentors. There's also magical puppets in the jukebox. Neither thing is explained, but we really don't need one and how both Mr. C and the PUppets operate is consitent.

The film.. is as consistent as a Warner BRos Discovery exec. The film just sloppily stiches a bunch of magical concepts and cliches together , expects you to just accept it and move on. The problem is unlike thomas and shinging time, it piles so shit on that you have no choice but to ask questions. And yes im aware i'm not the film's target demo.. but the film's target demo, younger children.. still deserve some respect. Shining Time and Thomas never fell like they think the audience is morons and you should never treat children like idiots just to justify your sloppy plotting. And chidlren aside..adults still had to take their kids to this. 5 year olds can't buy movie tickets.. well they can but the theater has to be pretty fucking neglegent. The adults who were kind enough to take their kids to see this didn't deserve to have a confusing mess shoved on them.

Speaking of a confusing mess let's get back to the film. The Film has two major storylines across the two worlds which quickly overlap:

ON earth curious city kid Lily Stone, played by Maura Wilson, is sent to vist her grampy burnett, played by Peter Fonda who to his credit takes the roll seriously. Burnett has an assitant/sidekick/local orphan boy named Mutt who, given the two minutes i've seen of the workprint, marries her in that cut but here is just kinda.. there so Peter Fonda can explain his train backstory: he was once the conductor of Lady, a magical train that could cross betwen worlds and i'm just going to go ahead and get this started

Things the Film Just Wants you To Accept: 2

Lady was injured by Disel 10 , played by Neil crone. I'll point out the original actors when I do the workprint if you were curious. He's an evil Diesel who has a grappling claw and a confusing world domination plan. Burnett's spent his life trying to fix Lady with no luck.

Meanwhile on Sodor, Sir Hatt is going on vacay so he asked Mr. Conductor to go watch his stupid train children for him while he's away. We have a new Mr. C in this film I assume, as while the film never explains it the series did expalin it's swapping mr c's with Ringo Starr's versoin being the cousin of his succesor, the george carlin one. So I assume this is also a cousin as Mr. C also has one he also hands his hat off to. More on that towards the end and more on the ocusin in a bit. Point is new mr. c is played by Alec Baldwin.. and baldwin spends the whole film acting like he's tripping balls. Baldwin is hamming it up so hard trying to be a chldren's character he comes off like Mr. C took enoguh coke before comming to sodor that he dosen't come down for TWO DAYS. Baldwin mostly acts hammily, hyderactively and goofily. It dosen't work on it's own as it's way too over the top even for this film and trying way to hard. It is however a nice jolt of hilaroius nonsense in a film that's mostly confusing nonsense.

Anyways Mr C soon has a problem :his sparkle, his magic dust, is running out. And apparently if it runs out , the magic of sodor and shining time both dies with him. Or something.

Things the Film Just Wants you To Accept: 3

He dosen't notice at first, being late while Thomas and Friends deal with normal business: Thomas is just a tad late, and Gordon, the biggest engine, is being a pompus asshole about it. Gordon is also played by Crone, who adlibbed msot of his lines for both Diesel 10 and Gordon, to the point one line later in the film is just gordon lapsing into a rant about how clever he is, how smaller engines can neve rbe useful, and how he's the best. He did it, he broke Gordon down to his bare essentials.

The two are soon confronted by Disel 10 who someone passed the background check and unveils his plan: he's going to find and kill lady, which will destroy all the magic in sodor and some how make him god emperor of all trains.

Things the Film Just Wants you To Accept: 4

First he plans to kill all the trains and ambushes them at night. Mr C finds his magic isn't working which isn't good. His escape plan is as diabolical as it is horrifying: he's going to poor sugar in disel's gas tank.. by waving a bag of sugar at him

Things the Film just Wants You To Accept: 5

So Mr. C heads off on an epic quest to find his magic, facing off with goblins, a wall of hands, a bog of eternal stentch, chily down with the fire gang and the most dangerous foe of all, David Bowie's Crotch. And I just described Labyrinth because Mr. C's quest amounts to "Dick around looking for clues and get kidnapped by a train" and i'd rather be talking about Labyrinth again... so let's do. Having relistned to it thanks to my nephew putting it on a playlist while I was in the car, i"ve come to realize I was WAY too hard on chilli down. While the actual musical number hasn't aged great the actual music is a fucking banger, having a nice surreal feel, the best drug trip song that's ever drug trip songed. Good stuff.

So back to my neverending torment Mr. C has a nap/is barely concious after Disel nearly threw him off a bridge this time so he has a prophetic dream

Things the Film Just Wants You To Accept: 6

Yes apparently in this time Alec Baldwin is the Kwisatz Haderach

He sees a future where due to him being absent shining time has closed down. The kid are gone, Billy was replaced by a terrible actor, and Schemer is seemingly dead. Wait.. that all happened in the main timeline. How is he sure the interstellar jihad the end of shining time is something he can stop?

Well he isn't so he calls his cousin Mr C Junior for help. Sadly this dosen't mean we get Ringo Starr or George Carlin but instead Micheal E Rogers. While his agressive scottishness is charming, he can't save this character as Junior is just kinda annoying at best. He ALLGEDLY has an arc where he learns his lesson and becomes better.. but he's really just a dumbass who wastes all his uncle's dust and his own remaining dust. He's only here because SOMEONE has to bring lily to Sodor

So before we get to that, let's catch up on everyone else. Burnett's dog is apparently also injesting spike and thus makes sure LIly ends up at shining time and sees Junior briefly. She then gets settled in with grandpa bonds with Dodger, just kinda putters around and...

FATHER THE SLEEPER HAS AWAKENED okay so stupid train children next. For a Thomas the Tank Engine movie the engines.. really don't actually do much in the plot. It's something I didn't notice in the film itself as the cut tricks you into THINKING their doing more than they are, cutting to the engines every few scenes as thomas tries to find Mr Conductor and stop Disesel 10 and his two comedic minions I haven't mentiond till now , who Disel sends to find the magic railroad. They do. That's it.. that's all they've done all film.

So we instead get a bunch of scenes of Thomas saying he's going to do something then just.. I guess doing something. We get bits of James and Percy who were originally voiced by Micheal Angelis, but instead replaced to get younger voices.. and instead got voice actresses who didn't really try to make thems ound masculine, resulting in Gender Flip James and Percy. James in paticular sounds like a dikensian orphan. I will say Eddie Glenn does a really good job at thomas but he and Neil Crone are the only ones who really get their rolls right out of the voice cast. I don't doubt these va's are good nor judge them for this: they werne't given much to work with, with Crone given nothing to work with and simply improvising, and were likely given little time to prepare given the rushed production schedule for the recut.

The most Thom=as contributes is loosing a truck, that will be important later, and figuring out that Disel's after the buffers which somehow allow people to travel on the magic railroad.

Things This Film Just Wants you To Accept: I"m So Tired

He finds out too late but thanks to Junior who brought a child with him because fuck it, they find thomas' missing truck and thomas and Mara Wilson go back to reality. A bad model of Thomas the film expects us to think is anywhere near acceptable

Things This Film Just Wants You To Accept: Stupid Train Models are for Cattle and Loveplay.

We do get a clever solution to the lady thing.. even if we never really get Burnett's backstory as that was cut because reasons. Since they have Sodor coal Lily suggests using it and I like it: it's a symbol of lady being both of this world and sodor. It's kind of cool in af ilm tha'ts mostly just confusing.

So lady returns to sodor, though Mr. C still thinks he and other Mr C who was busy telling Sir Topham Hat to go fuck himself and nearly getting murdered, using the last of his magic to save james, are dying as they still need that sweet sweet smack. I mean sparkle.. which is magical smack so it's better.

Before they can fix the crisis though Disel 10 shows up and we get a hilaroiusly green screneed ifnal chase as Burnet taunts his nemisis the sentient train. The chase scene.. is hilarously, horribly modleed and fun to watch. lady naturally wins, Disel 10 is left in the sludge but apparently comes back, and it's a happy end as Mara Wilson mixes well atter and railroad shavings to somehow create magic dust.

Things This Film Just Wants You To Accept: LONG LIVE THE STUPID TRAIN CHILDREN

So Mr C pases the cap on to his nephew who decides after his near death experince to man up finishing his nonexistant character arc. Mara wilson and co return home, the day is saved and the film just sorta ends.

That's.. the theatrical cut of Thomas and the Magic Railroad and as you can tell I was not a fan. It's entertaining for the most part and delightfully insane but i't sincoherence makes it REALLY hard to enjoy a lot of the time. As a Thomas film Thomas is barely a facotr in the plot, and as a shining time station film only two characters returned

Only. Two. Characters. Returned. The new characters are all bland cyphers, likely due to the cut changing. They TRY, Mara Wilson may of done this for the vacation but like Sir Micheal Caine before her she'll still work hard for the paycheck, but ther'es just nothing to hold onto. This film is a mess and I only recommend it if you have some friends to riff with, as I did with @jess-the-vampire or are good and baked. I was not but I hope to get some weed for my anxiety some day, and on that day I might watch this film. Oh who am I kidding i'm watching David Lynch's Dune and we all know it. Possibly with that episode of Sex and the City where Kyle Mclaclhan plays tennis shirtless at night as a prequel. His two best performances together at last.

So yeah not a big fan of this one. Not the worst thing i've covered but a hell of a film to unpack.. so you can imagine i'm just... PLEASED. AS. PUNCH. to be covering the other cut. Will be it be better? Worse? at least comprehnsible? Will I keep doing Dune refrences because I really fucking loved Part 2? All this and more will be answered next time but for now

[number1spongebobfan]

Welcome to Shining Time Station!

All the human/live action characters are drawn as stickmen.

I'm going to incorporate shining time in my episode rewrites.

[falafels]

pt.61!! <pt.60 pt.62>

aaron is “little rat ❤️” in nicky’s phone. so is andrew. it is so unbelievably confusing but nicky says it has to be identical because they’re identical. ends with andrew’s first piercing because then he’s changed to “little rat 💘”

tags for the homies ❤️ @andrewsleftarmband @blurryhour @you-know-i-get-itt @notexactlythatgirl @longspacerat @tessasilverswan @minyard-05 @carbon-dated-gal @bisexualchaosdemon @stormiiflies @watercoloureyes01 @vampire-overlord @iron-sides @azure-wing @buffalo-fox @ohgodnotagainplease @pink-hydrangea @jaywalkerss @ohmynoggin-blog @cosmic-marauder @min-getoutofmy-yard @plazybones @disastersappho @leestars13 @the-witch-forever-lives @minyardsss @post-historical-posts @andabuttonnose @hidinginmyhands @aftg4l @allfor-thegames @yaoishida @inafieldofstarflowers @snowcoming @mooniism @jeanmoreausautismstickers @prometheusthedragon @graveyardviolence @bustedleftshoe @beatrix33 @aftg-bs @yes-i-exist-shutup @milktemproom @all-for-exy @moon-over-ruined-castle @meta-breakers @oneandonlystarshine @dragonslayer26806 @malepresentingleg @lesbiansforkevinday

[kazz-brekker]

the more we see of harrenhal the funnier it is to me that house strong has produced three of the most normal and reasonable characters on this show, and the fourth is weird in ways that seemingly have nothing to do with having been raised in a haunted castle