#sealviewing

[vivaciousoceans]

People who act like WL was just the sole driver of the traumatize Benson campaign are history revisionists. Olivia has always been severely and consistently traumatized! Since 1.0!

[kremblor]

I love that we see Liv in therapy and in her like 3rd - 4th session or so and gets reminded Lindstrom is leaving town and she just retorts "I know, we covered I got abandonment issues."

Shes dragging her own issues in her own sessions and i know this likely means they've AT least discussed her mother by this point but I do love the "I've known you for like 3 months it's cool, everyone else leaves" reaction in that line.

(Also I find it weird that in an episode shortly after this she has to explain her past to one of their victims. Like, I know not everyone is gonna be constantly watching the news but you mean to tell me a girl they just helped 2 years ago isn't gonna NOTICE a news broadcast of the detective who BELIEVED her. That said person is missing?)

[rahleeyah]

Thanks to that set I am also thinking now about how bad Olivia is at going undercover. Oregon? She might as well have been running around with her badge in her hand she could not stop acting/thinking like a cop for five fucking seconds. She wasn't even a tiny bit believable. Local pd spotted her in a second and the hippies were side eyeing her the whole time. In sealview?? Oh my God. Terrible. She couldn't put her righteous indignation down for one minute; she knew she didn't belong there, that the guards didn't have any real power over her, and she never submitted to the harsh reality of the circumstances bc it wasn't her harsh reality.

And to be clear this is not a criticism, I actually think it's a really interesting piece of character work. Elliot loves going undercover (established in 1.0 and then explored in 3.0) he loves trying on different lives he loves a bit of theater he loves running away from his responsibilities, from himself. And Liv, who is a little lonely and maybe a little unhappy and whose background is so fraught with grief, who maybe has just as much reason to want to run away from herself as Elliot does, can't. She is so completely herself she doesn't know how to be anything else. She doesn't even seem to want to be anything else, even when given the opportunity. And that was established in s1, wasn't it, when she sits down with the shrink and can't answer the question of what she'd do if it wasn't this. She doesn't know how to be anything other than what she is. She is afraid of not being what she is.

And isn't that in part why she's so afraid of loving Elliot? She doesn't know how to be someone he loves.

[wily-one24]

Ficlet: Tapestry

Okay, @dahllaz , you know what? I read this wrong. I saw it as "Cassidy" and went on to begin planning this whole thing about Cassidy talking to Liv in S14 and uncovering the whole past with Sealview... and then I come back and actually read it and now I have to rethink my whole plan. Because this is a whole other conversation altogether.

"I'll kill him."

And she means it.

In front of her, Olivia merely rolls her eyes. The sentiment is a little undercut by the way the Detective's hand and lower lip both tremble.

"You know, the more you say that, the less people are going to believe it."

Okay, Casey thinks, maybe she has threatened to kill a few people in her time.

"I can at least throw him in prison for a good long while because of it."

But Olivia merely sinks down into the chair near her desk.

"He took a deal."

Casey feels her eyebrows rise.

"You let him take a deal for what he did to you?"

Bruised and shell shocked and with a very sharp little twist to her mouth, Olivia shakes her head.

"No, uh, for Ashley. For what he did to Ashley."

She's not sure what surprises her more, the way her hand reaches out, or the way Olivia doesn't stop her as she touches the bruise under her eye.

"What about you?"

That lower lip trembles again and Olivia looks away.

"What about me?" A heavy sigh, a blink, and Olivia shakes her head to rebuild her defences. "It'd just muddy the waters, the Union Rep was already claiming set up. At least this way, he does time."

She thinks about that sad, lonely woman on a barstool, telling a story from her childhood. A broken bottle, a threat, some violence. Casey doesn't believe that story begins and ends with that one incident.

But it does end with Olivia's sad voice 'Because then the abuse becomes real. If you keep quiet about it, you can pretend that it's not.'

Olivia Benson is a mystery, and Casey is only just beginning to gather some threads to make a tapestry, even after working with her for years, but the vague picture she can see is not comforting.

"You matter, Liv. What happened to you matters."

Their eyes meet for a brief second before Olivia looks away again.

"Not legally."

[maedosono]

Another way my mind dealt with the trauma was to erase my memories. So many years later I didn't remember the sexual assault - occasionally I would remember, sometimes for days on end, sometimes on Monday and then six months later.

Also, I had a hard time understanding why Sealview (9x15) was SO hard for me to watch and process the trauma exposed - it obviously was for everyone. And after the episode shows two sisters confronting their attacker, and later a discussion between the two sisters about the legitimate suffering of the trail for both children, since only one sister was raped while the other was forced to watch.

the fragile line drawn from the trauma, it drives me crazy. the legitimacy. after all, what is trauma? is mine more painful than yours?

the experiences I've had talking about the assault I suffered involve being grateful that it wasn't worse. and yet, at 26, I don't process the fact that I could have suffered more and that it wasn't, oh my god, I should really be grateful.

In the end, I think I understand Olivia a lot, because we both don't believe we deserve to suffer for our traumas. After all, we survived, it wasn't the worst it could be, it's so minimal compared to other victims. I often say "I don't have the privilege of being a depressed woman" and that's exactly it.

i am a Latin American girl, living in a capitalist world. suffering, in my opinion, is not for everyone. It is a privilege. What we have to fight for every day, since what other option do we have?

[causewhywouldnti]

My thoughts as I’m watching 24 seasons of law & order svu:

Season 10

Kathleen and Elliot are great together in 10x01. As hard as it is for Benson, I love that they show how Sealview is still affecting her. Ooh right in the nuts, deservedly so.

10x02 whether legally wrong or right, I think Elliot beating up the guy, who posted Elizabeth's picture online, was very understandable. Even Fin agrees with it.

10x03 makes me think that Stabler is the main character more than Benson. We do see a lot more of his private life than of anyone else’s. The hair in the old pictures of Elliot!!! You can also see the difference between Kathy and Olivia in handling Elliot. Kathy slaps him then puts him in the dog house, Olivia tells him she is disappointed and fixes it. Probably unfair, but it was just very glaring in this episode.

10x04, that wig is not a good look on Benson. Stabler fanboying over the austronaut and Benson entranced by it is just a really cute scene. Why would someone choose to go by the nickname of Dick? I mean, I didn't get Dickie either, but I assumed that’s just the nickname the parents gave him. So why would you choose Dick? I mean, Rick is right there! Olivia asking if she should invite Stabler on the date had me laughing out loud.

10x05, that doctor sounds like my coworkers sometimes. Freedom of speech is good and all, but at some point science has to prevail. How often can Elliot break something?!

10x06, Munch screaming conspiracy theories whilst walking down the street is awesome. Didn't need to get hit though. Tina in the episode is something else. Having to ask about what the "big" words mean but wanting to get pregnant.

10x07, Elliot is injured again. And Benson really did say "I'm his partner", like someone would say they'e his wife. Fin making fun of a rapper is funny though. Benson really shouldn't be lying to Kathy for Elliot. Stabler's hesitation before he ate the tiger meat is just funny. That was some quick thinking by Olivia (posing as a prostitute). Also, just how badly is the Stabler marriage doing at this point. He doesn't want to talk to her, and she is willing to leave him. Benson and Stabler's codependency is really showing this episode. Pretty sure, Elliot shouldn't be chasing someone the day after being shot (considering there's blood on his shirt afterward, I think I'm right on this one). At least he went back home afterward.

10x09, I like that Benson's PTSD came back into play.

10x10 Stabler was very fast to step in when Benson got slapped. And her calling him off, of course.

Love their interrogation tactic in 10x11.

10x12, Benson is looking good undercover. Fin walking the perp into the stairs because he threatened Benson, that's a good friend right there.

I can't really put my finger on it, but I'm not feeling like there's a rush on finding the little girl in 10x13. The pacing just seems slower than usually.

10x15, yay, Tucker is back… Stabler really doesn't like him, and it shows. The grainy image for the flashbacks is an interesting choice. Cabbot is back!!! The kid is so excited to help them when they are going after his father. Jim Harper trying to flirt with Benson is hilarious. Someone other than Stabler got hurt (Poor Huang).

10x16, so, I know how Stuckey ends. But his energy is quite fun. Especially Benson and Stabler's reaction to him.

10x17 why does Stabler say the Devil also goes by Ryan Seacrest? What did Seacrest do to him? And why did he go solo on arresting "the devil"? Did he really think that was a good idea?!?

10x20, that judge is very sketchy. Cragen is a savage, savoring Olivia being held in contempt. Huang as the defense attorney and Cragen as the "suspects" father had me laughing.

10x21, I don't think that's how you suffocate. Because if he really needed that much oxygen, you could hear it. And if he doesn't need that much oxygen, it takes a while until he would start having symptoms. I did not see that plot twist coming.

10x22, as terrible as Stuckey's arch is going to end, I just love his energy (not 3eps ago when he called the press though). I honestly believe the show could use someone like him to lighten up the stories every now and then. Stabler annoying O‘Halloran with Stuckey's catch phrasenis funny. And then Stabler goes to judge Donnelly's private home, and her reaction is everything. The arraignment was exactly the kind of chaotic energy that I'm enjoying. Stabler losing it on Stuckey when he compared a future vic to Benson. And Cragen totally agreeing with Stabler. Donnelly is just funny in this episode. Donnelly stops breathing, and they just stroll her down the aisle calmly, no attempts to revive her. O‘Halloran, noooo. Oh look, Elliot is getting injured again. Tiny mistake, but the blood on Stabler's shirt is very inconsistent. Did Benson really have to slap Stabler that hard? But they really are a great team! I'm going to miss O'Halloran...

Familiar faces: Michael McManus (One Tree Hill), James Brolin (Castle), Chris Elliott (HIMYM), Clea DuVall (Grey's), Brenda Blethyn (Pride & Prejudice 2005), Mike Farrell (NCIS), Frank Whaley (House), Michael Trucco (Demming on Castle), Christine Ebersole (Richie Rich), Aya Cash (The Newsroom), Aisha Hinds (9-1-1), Alex Kingston (Arrow), John Gallagher Jr. (The Newsroom), Laura Leigh Hughes (Rizzoli&Isles), Carol Burnett, Robert Klein (Two Weeks Notice), Jeri Ryan (Body of Proof), Hilary Duff, Mike Pniewski (Madam Secretary), Swoosie Kurtz (Overboard, 2018), Sprague Grayden (24), Nick Stahl (Body of Proof) and Carol Kane (The Bounty Hunter)

Favorite episodes: 10x03, 10x07, 10x11 and 10x22

Favorite lines:

"What the hell just happened?" "Maybe god remembered how cute you were as a carrot." - Stabler and Benson 10x03

"Sex is dangerous. I mean, at its core, it’s a power struggle between men and women." "Not if you're doing it right." - Suspect and Stabler 10x04

(After the suspect got a hard on) "…that’s not an objection you’re raising." - Greylek 10x10

"And I would like to see you castrated with a rusty steak knife. Neither are gonna happen, but we can both dream." - Benson 10x11

"I have rights." "You can have a toothbrush." - Suspect and Cabbot 10x21

"People, take your meds." - Donnelly 10x22

[eoangstlover56]

After a month of feeling discouraged and deflated by real life, getting something finished that was in my drafts since 2019 was a much needed accomplishment:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/39695184

[milquetoast-on-acid]

Sealview Warden to Elliot: Sealview is clean. Nobody is r@peing anyone.

20 minutes later...

[bensonnstabler]

what i'm most worried about now is that it could become one sided. elliot (and liv for that matter) knows there is something more there, heck they've known for 24 years. except elliot has now properly shouldered his grief (re: kathy). liv is still coming to terms with hers (re: him leaving). i can see an arc where elliot all but pursues her and we get fights and arguments and possible resentment. don't get me wrong, i am stoked she trusts elliot to look after noah and that does make me excited for the possibility of the three of them as a family. but liv, goddamnit, babe you need to tell him about lewis, about noah's origins, about the townhouse and whatever fucking else there is because that man loves you and has loved you through all the things you never told him about but suspected (sealview as a prime example). only then i think will she feel "ready" (i hope, dear god i hope)

this ultimately feels like a scene that would have fit perfectly in the latter half of season 23/oc season 2. like she was so ready to trust him with noah back then and this could have been the perfect opportunity to build on that.

i think having this scene in a episode solely about liv's son is just a bit... cruel? unecessary? i don't have the exact words but we all know noah wins liv's heart now every single day of the week (which is beautiful) but sort of stunts the personal, intimate relationship she deserves. i know it's liv's survivor complex to refuse help and protection but for a trilogy of so called "healing" episodes, the only thing i saw heal across the three were her injuries.

[barrisscoffees]

elliot stays but lewis still happens (@rahleeyah if you see something similar in your inbox im sorry fkjshdlfj)

elliot and olivia are already on edge

amanda and nick joined the unit and cragen split them up

(he promised it would only be temporary but damnit it has been two years)

liv is partnered with nick because cragen takes one look at his psychological profile and knows he can't work with elliot

liv is still a bit bitchy to amanda because she sees this blonde woman calling elliot stabler her partner and she thinks of dani beck and burns

the night olivia gets taken, cragen orders her to take a few days off just like in canon

elliot drives olivia home, but they only end up arguing

maybe olivia accuses elliot of being jealous she is dating cassidy and elliot reminds her that he is married thank you very much

(but they both know she is right and they both hate her for it)

when elliot drops off olivia, he speeds off without a second thought

in her apartment, olivia puts down her bags, closes her door and finds herself at gunpoint

lewis hits olivia with the butt of her gun and as she is lying, dazed, on the floor, she keeps telling herself i didn't blink my lights, elliot will be here soon. i just have to wait for elliot.

but elliot doesn't come

when olivia doesn't talk to him for two full days, elliot chalks it up to her being pissed at him.

but then they find her apartment his heart drops to his knees and he can't think for guilt

he sees the keys on the stove, smells the burned flesh and vodka and thinks i should have waited. i should have waited

lewis tell olivia there is one person she would give anything to see again

elliot didn't leave, but it is still him

what she wouldn't give to talk to him one more time?

what would she say-

i'm sorry

don't blame yourself

i love you

i love you

when they find her, cragen has to physically restrain him. he isn't allowed to go to the beach house because they can't have his rage and fear making things worse

at the hospital he holds her and tells her it is okay to cry, but he's the only one crying

she won't tell him what happened and it is sealview all over again

cassidy shows up and he's a wreck, but god he's holding himself together so much better than elliot can and maybe liv needs that stability

when she's discharged, he hears cassidy i'll take you to my place, baby

as she is packing to go, olivia looks back at elliot

ask me to stay, elliot prays

but she doesn't

ask me to stay, olivia prays

but he doesn't

so olivia leaves

and standing in this hospital room alone, elliot is so torn between grief and heartbreak and rage he is paralyzed

(but, he considers, if he was going to break his hand by putting it through a wall, a hospital is probably the ideal place to do it)

[vivaciousoceans]

Olivia has never felt comfortable enough to tell Stabler about the times she's been assaulted, and I just don't know how that bodes well for them...maybe everyone is punking me. Especially since Olivia herself always encourages survivors to talk to their partners.

[kremblor]

Not SVU doing the "we gotta tell her what happened to her" ploy again after putting Olivia through trauma. Only this time everyone around her KNOWS not just Fin (and Cragen)

No but really the reactions when she said "she'd never be the same" was just..... they are all secondary victims in a way to what happened. And I hope they all got help after as well but dang the way they are still processing things and having to reprocess when things happen.

((Also side note love the intro scene of Munch's retirement in this episode))

[rahleeyah]

No but really like looking at that gifset like. In a world where he doesn't have Kathy and a baby at home does he have that second drink? More? Do they tumble into bed together after to sate their mutual loneliness and longing for each other? If he hadn't gotten Kathy pregnant again how long would it have taken for them to cross a line? Would they ever? Does he want to go home here, does he want to talk about his own problems but he's swallowing them back bc Liv is hurting? Did they even actually talk about Kurt? What did they talk about? Would she have opened up about sealview if she'd had just a little bit more to drink, felt just a little bit braver? The sliding doors of it all. And Liv sitting there, wanting to tell him about the man she broke up with bc she's afraid of commitment (afraid of committing to someone who isn't him), maybe wanting to tell him exactly the name of the trauma she carries, swallowing all that down bc he's somebody else's husband and he's got a baby to get home to, and Elliot remembering his duty, does he even realize what it costs her to let him go, and Kathy across town, does she resent him for going out for a drink with a friend while she's struggling, having no idea what EO are both sacrificing to get him home?

[wily-one24]

And... and... and... (I've been thinking more, you see)...

It's shown specifically in the traffic light system.

Because in Wicked Game, after Sealview, the second Elliot does something she doesn't like, she immediately yells "Red!" and ends it right there. No discussion, because no matter how much she says at the time she trusts Elliot... something in her is telling her there is no discussion to be had.

And yet, in Foolish Game, when the incident in the shower directly correlates to Lewis' attack at the Granary (and, not to compare assaults or pit one above the other, but Lewis' assault was arguably much worse and more traumatic than Harris'), Olivia feels comfortable enough to say "Yellow", knowing she could put a pause on the play and they could discuss how to continue in a safer way. And that Elliot would respect that.

They're remarkably different scenarious as well. Because in the Wicked Game scene, they're fully dressed and all Elliot is doing is kissing her against a wall. There is no actual purpose being there, with both of them very cautiously kind of reintroducing the idea of intimacy back into the relationship. Whether she was ready or not. Whether or not it would have led to sex if things had gone well, doesn't matter, because sex was not the expected outcome of the scene.

In Foolish Game, they're both fully naked in the shower with the express purpose of having sex. So the purpose, the intent is there.

Yeah, Foolish Game Elliot has put his foot in it several times, he's made many blunders. But mostly? These blunders have been of the "He doesn't have the right information" variety. And, sure, you can argue that he should have intuited that things were not 100% and he should have treaded carefully.

But you cannot be blamed for stepping on a landmine when the path is not clearly marked.

If you compare how Wicked Game Elliot would have stormed in and run rough shod over it all while making it all about himself, it's incredibly different.

He has had some downtime and done some reflecting and matured a little and it's good!!

And so has Olivia. (which, you're right in that it's awful it took that betrayal and then an assault for it to` happen), but she has had time to think about this separate from Elliot. And by the end of Wicked Game, lots of people were saying she needed that.

The second Laura Benanti song in the playlist is "Lose You to Love Me", which is actually fitting for Olivia post Wicked Game a lot.

You promised the world and I fell for it I put you first and you adored it Set fires to my forest And you let it burn Sang off-key in my chorus 'Cause it wasn't yours

I saw the signs and I ignored it Rose-colored glasses all distorted Set fire to my purpose And I let it burn You got off on the hurtin' When it wasn't yours, yeah

We'd always go into it blindly I needed to lose you to find me This dancing was killing me softly I needed to lose you to love me.

Ask Re-Do

Okay, so... now that Foolish Game ch 4 has been posted, I have *thoughts* and I want to talk.

So, I am redoing your ask @dahllaz, whether you want me to or not.

One of the biggest issues of Wicked Game was the question of consent and how much that boundary was pushed. Especially in regards to Elliot and how much he did or did not push on the boundaries that Olivia set, whether she enforced them or not.

At times that line was blurred, even crossed.

Sure, they went to therapy and they worked hard to improve the problems in their relationship, including setting and respecting boundaries.

Elliot certainly struggled early on with the fear that she would not/could not set proper boundaries and that, given that fear, there was no way to tell if he crossed that line.

So, then Wicked Game ends at the end of Season Twelve. Elliot leaves. There is three and a half years. In those years, there has been a lot of reflection and examination of what went wrong, what worked, what didn't, etc.

In Foolish Game, it's very interesting to read the dynamic that is happening. At least to me.

Because Elliot is coming in with so very much LESS information. He knows *something* happened, something big, that she has been traumatised by something that has left scars on her body.

With no details to go on, it could be anything and it's safe to assume he figures some kind of sexual assault.

But... in the sexual relationship (situationship? Friends with benefits-Ha-who-are-they-kidding), Elliot is actually listening.

He lets her set the pace.

It's Olivia that starts things. It's Olivia that reaches out and calls him over.

That first night, he finds the scars and pulls back and asks what happens. We don't see the exact scene, but we know she basically said "you don't get that story, stop asking" and he was left with trusting she was okay to do what she wanted.

She set the rules, no rough sex, no hair pulling.

And in the second setting, when they're in the shower, it's very interesting. Because he does find a new boundary. She asks to pause ("yellow") and it scares him. But he LISTENS, and she says she's okay as long he stays in front of her. He's still scared of things and what it means, still reluctant to go further... but previously he would have pulled away altogether, this time he lets her pull him back in and set the pace.

She has boundaries and HE IS TRUSTING HER TO KNOW THEM.

Olivia is the one in control here.

And that is what is working for me this time around.

[abfa-fics]

these dreams that haunt us

Read here or on AO3. @febuwhump challenge day four (nightmares)

TW: mentions of alcoholism, Lewis arc, Sealview, Lowe

The first few years of her life is the only time where Olivia experiences “normal” nightmares. She’s a tiny child, and on bad nights, she fears the dark shadows in the corner of her room, or the loud wind howling against her window, or the monsters that lurk under her bed, waiting to grab her ankles and pull her under.

But by the time she is six, she has already become much more jaded about life. Mythical monsters don’t exist, this she knows for sure, and the fears that plague her mind are much too grown-up for someone of her age.

She watches Mama slowly turn into a person she doesn’t always recognize; some nights she is loving and kind, and other nights she is loud and angry, or lying on the couch, staring upwards at the ceiling without speaking. Sometimes, Mama closes her eyes for a long time, and if Olivia tries to wake her, she’ll usually make a low grunting noise and swat her hand away. Occasionally though, she won’t move or say anything, and this scares her the most, because what if Mama doesn’t wake up at all? Then Olivia would be all alone in the world.

When Olivia is seven, she’s brushing her hair in the mirror, balanced on tippy toes so she can see her own reflection, while Mama stands next to her, applying her makeup. Olivia watches the process, fascinated, and an innocent thought emerges in her mind.

‘I wish I had pretty blonde hair like you,’ she tells her mother, gazing upwards. Mama pauses what she is doing, and there is a silence as they both stare at the dual reflection in the mirror: Olivia, dark hair and dark eyes, her olive-toned skin bringing out the freckles across her nose; Mama, blonde and fair. There is a strange tension in the air for reasons Olivia can’t understand.

‘Finish getting ready,’ Mama snaps at her. ‘It’s time for school.’

That night, it’s the worst Mama has ever been. She downs endless drinks, and Olivia is smart enough to know the drinks are the reason Mama becomes the way she does on these sorts of days. She’s angry, smashing a glass against the wall and screaming at Olivia if she tries to say anything, but soon after she is huddled in the bathroom, making loud retching sounds.

Olivia puts herself to bed, but the nightmares follow her as soon as she shuts her eyes - Mama, angry and screaming and throwing things directly at her, an accusation in her eyes as if she’s done something wrong. She wakes in the middle of the night, small body trembling and tears in her eyes. At seven, she’s a big girl, at least in her own eyes, and it’s been a long time since she tried to seek Mama out for comfort, but there is something about these last nightmares that have her searching for reassurance.

Mama is not in her bed however, and not on the couch either. Olivia is just about to panic, thinking she’s been left alone completely, when she sees a dark shape in the hallway. Mama is lying on the ground close to the bathroom exit, half curled up and eyes shut.

No amount of shaking her shoulder or calling out to her brings a response. Olivia hesitates, standing in the hallway for a long moment, before she crouches down, slowly lowering herself onto the cold floor until she is lying next to her mother, and then shuffling closer. It’s uncomfortable, and she isn’t sure she’ll be able to sleep again for the rest of the night, but at least if she lies here, she’ll be able to see if Mama wakes up again.

–

When Olivia is a teenager, she starts believing in monsters again. This time however, they are not the mythological ones with long fangs and claws that hide under the bed; they are faceless men in dark alleys, who attack young women and rape them against their will. They are the men who father children unknowingly, living proof of the terrible crimes committed. They are the men who disappear into the shadows, never to be seen again or be punished for their deeds.

He is Olivia’s father, and a monster, and she knows this because she has heard Serena say so. She knows she is unloved by her mother due to this very fact, because how could she love someone that was conceived by a monster - Serena’s own damning words.

It suddenly makes a terrible sense to Olivia as to why the more she grew up, the more distant Serena had become, worsening their fractured relationship year by year. Because as she aged, the more unlike Serena she became in physical appearance, a constant reminder of the man and what he had done.

Some nights, she dreams he is the monster. Other nights, she dreams she is the monster, and it is these nightmares that have her huddled up against the headboard of her bed each time, gasping for breath between sobs, hand pressed firmly against her chest as if to ground herself. She never goes to seek comfort from her mother, because how could she begin to explain?

Instead, she spends her days searching for ways to make herself forget. Not alcohol - that is her mother’s sin, and she knows only too well how it affects the person. But in the end, she is sixteen and looking for love and an escape route, and a young twenty-one year old college student sweeps her off her feet, offering salvation. It’s the first time in a long while where she suddenly has hope that perhaps she isn’t completely unlovable, that perhaps she isn’t a monster destined to be alone for the rest of her life.

And then Serena attacks her, and she attacks her mother back, and everything in her life falls to pieces. She runs away to stay with friends, couch-surfing for several weeks before tentatively returning home to find some form of reconciliation with the only family she has in the world.

Serena tells her that her so-called fiance has a proper girlfriend at college, one over the age of twenty, and makes Olivia sit down and write a letter to him as a definitive farewell. Olivia writes it without resistance, feeling numb from the realization that she was wrong all along - that he didn’t offer any salvation in the end, that she is still unloved.

‘Everyone leaves,’ Serena told her once, and it’s true.

The nightmares that come now have new faces and new accusations to throw her way - her mother, slumped against the wall after Olivia had kicked her, Burton staring at her with disgust on his face, before walking away.

‘Monster,’ some voice in her dreams keeps telling her, and she’s pretty sure it's her own.

–

It’s the first child case they work, that gets her in the end.

She’s worked her way through the force for several years now, coming out of training with good grades, paying her dues out on the beat in a shining uniform. She’s seen some difficult cases over the years already, including appalling crime scenes, and whilst sometimes that has caused disturbed sleep, she’s been proud of the fact that mentally, she can handle the stress and shock of it all quite well.

Her first few cases as a new detective at the Special Victims Unit go no differently. It can be challenging, talking to living victims who are brave enough to share with her what happened to them, but it’s far worse for the victims themselves, and Olivia can only be proud to help bring justice against whoever perpetrated the crime.

And then they catch a case where the victim is a five year old girl. Olivia takes one look at the tiny pale corpse, dark marks across her body making it very clear what had happened to her in her final hours, and promptly hurries away to vomit within a nearby garbage can, retching until there are tears in her eyes.

‘Here,’ comes a deep voice from behind her, and a warm hand rests on her back. She straightens, ashamed to know that her new partner has witnessed this weakness so soon into her time in the unit. Elliot Stabler is a good man, and has so far been a good partner - this she knows. But she is a woman in a challenging career, and beyond that, Olivia has punishing standards for herself that do not include falling to pieces at a crime scene, no matter who may be the victim.

He doesn’t say anything more however, merely passing her a bottle of water to rinse out her mouth, followed by a stick of gum.

The case doesn’t get any better, not when visiting the morgue, where Olivia can see the little girl in the harsh overhead lights, nor when they start to unravel a story of horrific abuse by a family friend. She’s spiraling with her emotions, and at the end of the day, without enough evidence to arrest the bastard until warrants come through the next morning, she flees before she has to speak to anyone else.

The dreams that night are horrific, and all she sees over and over again is that young girl, reaching out to Olivia and begging to be rescued, before a hand drags her into the shadows. Each time, Olivia tries to reach back, tries to save her, but it’s always too late.

Too late, just like in the harsh light of day also.

When she gets to the station that morning, she feels drained before the day has even begun, her lack of sleep and the stress of the case ahead weighing heavily on her shoulders. It’s quiet at the precinct, not many people around at this time of the morning, and so she slumps down on one of the benches in the locker room, elbows on knees and head cradled in her hands.

The door opens behind her, and she should sit up, pretend to be alright to whoever has walked in, but she feels too tired. Instead, the person comes to settle onto the bench, shoulder brushing against hers.

‘The children are always the hardest,’ Elliot tells her quietly. She shrugs half-heartedly.

‘The first time I ever picked up a case like this, I went home and couldn’t stop crying,’ he continues, and at this, she really does raise her head, turning to look at him properly. He sends a crooked smile back at her. ‘Three year old boy. I wasn’t sure if I could even continue in this unit after that.’

‘But you did,’ she says, and it’s an obvious statement rather than a question, but she’s still seeking answers.

‘Yes,’ he says. ‘In the end, the closure I could bring the family…the fact that we could arrest the person, make sure they never did it again? That made it worth it.’

‘I need to be at SVU,’ she confesses. He doesn’t know the full story - not yet, but she thinks she should tell him soon, trust him. He accepts this answer anyway, bumping shoulders with her once more, before he stands up and holds out his hand. She takes it, allowing him to pull her upright.

‘Well then, partner,’ he says. ‘Just remember, I’ve got your back, out on the streets but also for this, when we have to deal with the mental shit that comes with the job.’

‘Thanks, El,’ she says gratefully. ‘I’m fine, really.’

She’s not, and by the look he shoots her, he knows it too. But she will be.

–

Despite her job being what it is, and despite the endless violent and dangerous abusers she faces almost every day, Olivia never dreams about herself as a target. Her fear is always for the victims instead - those she cannot save, who ask for her help and yet are forever just beyond her fingertips.

She never dreams about herself as the victim, until Sealview.

After that, the basement is all she has in her mind, night after night replaying the events. Sometimes it finishes where it had ended in real life, sometimes she wakes up in the midst of it all, when she had been hiding and full of terror about what could happen if he found her. Sometimes, Fin doesn’t arrive in time.

She takes to sleeping on the couch rather than her bed, finding it less disorientating there than her bedroom if she wakes in the darkness. It’s also easier for her to try and trick her brain into having a nap when she’s sitting upright, closing her eyes for short stints rather than attempting to make it through an entire night.

She knows it’s affecting her job. She keeps turning up at the precinct tired and yawning. Her reflexes are slower, and she struggles some days to keep her emotions under control, irritable in one moment, and then overly upset in the next. She knows Elliot has noticed, despite her attempts to hide it all.

He tries once or twice to talk to her about it directly, but she shuts it down immediately. After that, his plan is more subtle - he brings her coffees when they have long days ahead, herds her to the cribs if they have a pause in the middle of their busy case. Strangely enough, she can sleep at the precinct without any nightmares at all, slipping into blissful oblivion, and if it’s because subconsciously she knows Elliot is nearby, it’s not something she’s going to dwell upon.

On a particularly rough day, when she feels numb inside from the bone-deep weariness, and the world seems just slightly too overwhelming, he pulls her into the locker room.

‘Wait there,’ he says, and she’s immediately suspicious as he digs through his locker. She isn’t sure what sort of intervention he plans on having, but she has a denial ready on her lips as soon as he turns around.

He’s clutching his grey hoodie to his chest, and when he sees her eye it, lost for words, he sends her a small smile.

‘Thought you might want to borrow it again,’ he tells her, his tone carefully casual as if he’s trying not to spook her.

‘I��’ she trails off, staring at the hoodie, wanting to ask for it, but not sure what sort of secret about herself that would give away. He walks up to her, and then wraps the hoodie slowly around her shoulders. She ducks her head, but pulls her arms into it without any reluctance. At once, the smell of Elliot encompasses her senses, and she can feel her shoulders relaxing slightly. He carefully zips up the front, stepping away quickly once he has done.

‘Come on partner, let’s go track down our suspect,’ he tells her.

That night, she wears the hoodie to bed, and although she still wakes up from a nightmare, she’s able to return to sleep eventually for a couple more hours. It’s not a solution to all of her problems - she’s well aware she has to go to therapy to work on her PTSD - but for now, it helps.

–

After William Lewis, she doesn’t have anything but nightmares when she tries to close her eyes. They dance across the back of her eyelids every night, a mixture of the horrifying truth and an endless array of alternative ways events could have unfolded.

Every night, she tries to sleep, sheer exhaustion dragging her head to the pillows. And yet, every night, she awakens, covered in a cold sweat, her face damp from tears she doesn't know she's cried. She must be silent in her pain, because she doesn’t seem to disturb Brian, and she’s grateful for this, wanting instead to slip silently out of bed and roam the apartment restlessly, trying not to think about anything at all, rather than talk to another person.

If she’s truthful with herself, there’s only one person she wants to talk to anyway, and he’s the one person out of her reach. It’s ironic, that she spent so many years side-by-side with Elliot, wanting to appear strong and unbreakable every time he was offering comfort and yet now, when she wishes nothing more than to grasp onto him, to save herself from drowning, he’s nowhere to be found.

It isn’t until she gets into therapy that she starts to build coping mechanisms and slowly work through the trauma that is still haunting her. She can’t eradicate the nightmares entirely, but she learns how to deal with her PTSD, and the calmer she manages to keep her days, the calmer her nights pass. It’s a slow and painful process, but she does it for herself, and she does it for Noah, and it’s worth every step of progress.

–

She’s been at this job for so long now, her nights unfold in one of two ways.

Most of the time, she has dreamless nights. She rests her head on her pillow, closes her eyes, and eventually drifts off into darkness until her alarm, Noah’s little voice, or a phone call regarding a case disturb her.

And then other nights, she still has nightmares, usually triggered by a long and stressful day. There's not always something specific that sets them off, or perhaps it's a very small thing that lingers in her mind and flicks a switch once she's asleep. Occasionally, a particularly difficult case at work forms new trigger points.

Unfortunately, she has struggled through enough trauma in her life, that her mind has a wide range of topics to choose from on those dark nights. Her own trauma, through Lewis, Sealview, or even the showdown she had in a townhouse several years ago. Her fear for others, whether that is her son, falling ill or being stolen away, or her detectives, risking their lives too often for her comfort. Her losses, through the victims she couldn’t save, the people she had to shoot and kill...all her friends who once played such important roles in her life and yet who walked away from her too easily, making her flash back to her younger self, when she felt so alone and unlovable.

Elliot, disappearing from her life forever again. Elliot, shot in the streets, his blood seeping through her fingers as she waits for the ambulance to arrive. Elliot, risking his life undercover again and again, without her to watch his back.

She isn't even sure what has triggered the dreams tonight, but they are full of darkness, fear and an overwhelming sense of loss. She awakens with a gasp, trembling slightly even as the scenes fade away in her mind until she can't picture exactly what the nightmare had been about. Her skin is clammy, and her first instinct is to slip out of bed, to wander around the apartment until her heart has stopped beating so fast. But when she makes a move towards the edge of the bed, an arm snakes around her waist.

'You alright?' Elliot mumbles, half-asleep still. His grip is loose around her, not caging her in, but providing a level of support that has her relaxing back against his chest. Once she's made no indication that she needs to move again, he tightens his arm until their skin is pressed together, his nose tucking into the back of her neck.

'Nightmare?' he asks, and she feels his lips brush against her hair softly as he talks.

'I'm fine,' she whispers, turning over so they are facing each other instead, her own arm sliding around so her hand can rest on his lower back. He looks at her with sleepy but concerned eyes, searching her face for the truth. But for once, she really is fine.

'Yeah?'

'Go back to sleep,' she tells him, snuggling closer and shutting her eyes. She knows already that he will make himself stay awake until he can tell she's drifted back off herself, and it's this feeling of protection that has her sinking into slumber within minutes.

'Love you,' she mumbles as she feels sleep take her once more.

'Love you too,' she hears him say from far away.

For the first time in years, she dreams of her family, not in fear or pain, but laughing joyfully.

[rockonlavender]

Amanda's Upcoming Undercover Episode

Just my random thoughts and opinions..take everything i write as a grain of salt, it's 5:30am and I am bored.

I am really excited for this episode, and Kellis performance. Kelli is very underrated and it's sad because she always deliverers. My thoughts/guess is Amanda will check in either an addict or as a counselor but my bet is that she will be going in as an addict. I wonder if she will be staying over at the rehab center, and if so who will watch Jesse? Assuming she still doesn't trust Kim to care for baby Jesse, that either Olivia will Lucy service to her, Sonny will volunteer his service or Olivia will offer service to watch over baby Jesse while she's undercover. I hope that it Olivia but since Liv is dealing with her own shit at home, I am going to guess with Lucy or some random sitter will watch over the nugget.

Depending, how she died- which I am going to guess she was raped badly by whoever at the center that caused her to run away from the center and score some drugs where she overdosed. Wild guess is that the person who had raped her ( or did whatever)was either a counselor or overnight shift worker. This person will have a type, and it's the typical petite blonde hair blue eyes. The ones with little to no family, with no back up support, which Amanda fits the role. Amanda is a smooth talker, she knows how to play her role very well and will easily capture this person's attention the second she is there. At first will be difficultbecause he won't show his true color but one night, she gets up to use the bathroom or something to get out of her room, maybe smoke a cigarette and that's when he notices her. He goes with her, smokes with her and sweet talks Amanda- she takes a mental note. It will then progress into a more obsessive behavior, wanting to fit in the "daddy" role, if you will.

Amanda will be in a situation where he be hovered over her in the concern window she is smoking by, blocking her from escaping. Panicking and possibly triggered bc he will say thing Patton use to say to her or touch her the way he did during her rape. She will be saved by someone else entering the room, possibly a male and he will back off. She then will communicate with Olivia and not wanting to tell her what happened but Olivia with her convinces her too, and this will set Olivia in over protective mode and worry. Amanda will assure her that she can handle it and that she is fine, hesitant but Olivia will go along with it..

The way Amanda will be able to "capture" this guy is when she has a "Sealview" moment, where she will be lead or forced into a empty room far away from the others, he has her on the bed, pinned on top of her and this where Sonny or Fin will come right into her rescue and drag him off her and arrest him. Amanda is shocked and relief. She had no idea Sonny or Fin was there, let alone playing the role at the night guard that Olivia had sent them out shortly after Amanda's first incident.

Once everything is over, Amanda will be Olivia's office, and this where Olivia will tell her about her undercover in Sealview, she won't get into much details but will explain it was very similar. She will say " I know you don't do shrinks, but if you ever need to talk or anything. My door is alway open, and I am always a phone call away." Something along those lines.

Which will bring them closer together.

And of course that will be the end of it because they will never bring it back up or show anything that Amanda was effected by it because they will solely focus on Olivia's drama.

Anywho, this sounds more like a fanfiction lol but whatever.

I doubt any of this will happen but that's what I will like to see happen in the episode.

What do you guys think?