#seriously every member is the same except instead of pearl it’s the other three of the four newest hermits

[legally-allowed-to-slime]

is this boatem 2 electric boogaloo was what i was thinking the whole time

[benevolentbirdgal]

“Thirteen″ Tips for Writing About Synagogues / Jewish Writing Advice / Advice for Visiting Synagogues

So your story includes a Jew (or two) and you’ve a got a scene in a synagogue. Maybe there’s a bar mitzvah, maybe your gentile protagonist is visiting their partner’s synagogue. Maybe there’s a wedding or a community meeting being held there. For whatever reason, you want a scene in a shul. I’m here as your friendly (virtual) neighborhood Jewish professional to help you not sound like a gentile who thinks a synagogue is just a church with a Star of David instead of a cross. 

Quick note: The are lots of synagogues around the world, with different specific cultural, local, and denominational practices. The Jewish community is made up of roughly 14 million people worldwide with all sorts of backgrounds, practices, life circumstances, and beliefs. I’m just one American Jew, but I’ve had exposure to Jewishness in many forms after living in 3.5 states (at several different population densities/layouts), attending Jewish day school and youth groups, doing Jewish college stuff, and landing a job at a Jewish non-profit. I’m speaking specifically in an American or Americanish context, though some of this will apply elsewhere as well. I’m also writing from the view of Before Times when gatherings and food and human contact was okay.

Bear in mind as well, in this discussion, the sliding scale of traditional observance to secular/liberal observance in modern denominations: Ultraorthodox (strict tradition), Modern Orthodox (Jewish law matters but we live in a modern world), Conservative (no relation to conservative politics, brands itself middle ground Judaism), Reconstructionist (start with Jewish law and then drop/add bits to choose your own adventure), and Reform (true build your own adventure, start at basically zero and incorporate only as you actively choose).

Synagogue = shul = temple. Mikvah (ritual bath) is its own thing and usually not attached to the shul. Jewish cemeteries are also typically nowhere near the shul, because dead bodies are considered impure.   

A Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah is the Jewish coming of age ceremony. Bar (“son”) for boys at 13+, Bat (“daughter”) at 12+, and Bnai (“children”) for multiples (i.e. twins/triplets/siblings) or non-binary kids (although the use of the phrase “Bnai Mitzvah” this way is pretty new). 12/13 is the minimum, 12-14 the norm but very Reform will sometimes allow 11 and anybody above 12/13 can have theirs. Probably a dedicated post for another time. Generally, however, the following will happen: the kid will lead some parts of services, read from and/or carry the Torah, and make a couple of speeches. 

Attire: think Sunday Best (in this case Saturday), not come as you are. Even at very liberal reconstructionist/reform synagogues you wouldn’t show up in jeans and a t-shirt or work overalls. Unless they are seriously disconnected from their culture, your Jewish character is not coming to Saturday morning services in sneakers and jeans (their gentile guest, however, might come too casual and that’d be awkward).  1a. The more traditional the denomination, the more modest the attire. Outside of orthodoxy woman may wear pants, but dresses/skirts are more common. Tights for anything above knee common for Conservative/Reform/Recon, common for even below knee for orthodox shuls. Men will typically be wearing suits or close to it, except in very Reform spaces.  1b. Really, think business casual or nice dinner is the level of dressiness here for regular services. Some minor holidays or smaller events more casual is fine. Social events and classes casual is fine too.  1c. Even in reform synagogues, modesty is a thing. Get to the knee or close to it. No shoulders (this an obsession in many Jewish religious spaces for whatever reason), midriffs, or excessive cleavage (as I imagine to be the norm in most houses of worship). 

Gendered clothing:  3a. Men and boys wear kippahs (alt kippot, yarmulkes) in synagogues, regardless of whether they’re Jewish or not out of respect to the space. Outside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew” but inside of Jewish spaces it’s saying “I’m a Jew or a gentile dude who respects the Jewish space.”  Outside of very Reform shuls, it’s a major faux pass to be a dude not wearing one.  3b. There are little buckets of loaner kippahs if you don’t bring your own and commemorative kippahs are given away at events (bar mitzvah, weddings). Your Jewish dude character not bringing or grabbing one is basically shouting “I’m new here.”  3c. Women are permitted to wear kippahs, but the adoption of a the traditionally masculine accessory will likely be interpreted by other Jews as LGBTQ+ presentation, intense feminism, and/or intense but nontraditional devoutness. Nobody will clutch their pearls (outside of ultraorthodoxy) but your character is sending a message.  3d. Tefillin are leather boxes and wrappings with prayers inside them that some Jewish men wrap around their arms (no under bar mitzvah or gentiles). Like with the kippah, a woman doing this is sending a message of feminism and/or nontraditional religious fervor.  3e. Additionally, prayer shawls, known as tallit, are encouraged/lightly expected of Jewish males (over 13) but not as much as Kippahs are. It is more common to have a personal set of tallit than tefillin. Blue and white is traditional, but they come in all sorts of fun colors and patterns now. Mine is purple and pink. It is much more common for women to have tallit and carries much fewer implications about their relationship to Judaism than wearing a kippah does.  3f. Married woman usually cover their hair in synagogues. Orthodox women will have wigs or full hair covers, but most Jewish woman will put a token scarf or doily on their head in the synagogue that doesn’t actually cover their hair. The shul will also have a doily loaner bucket. 

Jewish services are long (like 3-4 hours on a Saturday morning), but most people don’t get there until about the 1-1.5 hour mark. Your disconnected Jewish character or their gentile partner might not know that though. 

Although an active and traditional synagogue will have brief prayers three times every day, Torah services thrice a week, holiday programming, and weekly Friday night and Saturday morning services, the latter is the thing your Jewish character is most likely attending on the reg. A typical Saturday morning service will start with Shacharit (morning prayers) at 8:30-9, your genre savvy not-rabbi not-Bnai mitzvah kid Jewish character will get there around 9:30-10:15. 10:15-10:30 is the Torah service, which is followed by additional prayers. Depending on the day of the Jewish year (holidays, first day of new month, special shabbats), they’ll be done by 12:30 or 1 p.m. Usually.  After that is the oneg, a communal meal. Onegs start with wine and challah, and commence with a full meal. No waiting 4-8 hours to have a covered-dish supper after services. The oneg, outside of very, very, very Reform spaces will be kosher meat or kosher dairy. 

To conduct certain prayers (including the mourner’s prayers and the Torah service) you need a Minyan, which at least 10 Jewish “adults” must be present, defined as post Bar/Bat/Bnai Mitzvah. In Conservative/Reform/Recon, men and women are counted equally. In Ultraorthodox women are not counted. In Modern Orthodox it depends on the congregation, and some congregations will hold women’s-only services as well with at least ten “adult” Jewish women present.

In Conservative and Orthodox shuls, very little English is used outside of speeches and sermons. Prayers are in Hebrew, which many Jews can read the script of but not understand. Transliterations are also a thing.  In Reform synagogues, there’s heavy reliance on the lingua franca (usually English in American congregations). Reconstructionist really varies, but is generally more Hebrew-based than Reform. 

We’re a very inquisitive people. If your character is new to the synagogue, there will be lots of questions at the post-services oneg (meal, typically brunch/lunch). Are you new in town? Have you been here before? Where did you come from? Are you related to my friend from there? How was parking? Do you know my cousin? Are you single? What is your mother’s name? What do you think of the oneg - was there enough cream cheese? What summer camp did you go to? Can you read Hebrew? Have you joined?  A disconnected Jew or gentile might find it overwhelming, but many connected Jews who are used to it would be like “home sweet chaos” because it’s OUR chaos. 

In Orthodox synagogues, men and women have separate seating sections. There may be a balcony or back section, or there may be a divider known as a mechitzah in the middle. Children under 12/13 are permitted on either side, but over 12/13 folks have to stay one section or the other. Yes, this is a problem/challenge for trans and nonbinary Jews.  Mechitzahs are not a thing outside of orthodoxy. Some older Conservative synagogues will have women’s sections, but no longer expect or enforce this arrangement.   

Money. Is. Not. Handled. On. Shabbat. Or. Holidays. Especially. Not. In. The. Synagogue. Seriously, nothing says “goy writing Jews” more than a collection plate in shul. No money plate, no checks being passed around, even over calls for money (as opposed to just talking about all the great stuff they do and upcoming projects) are tacky and forbidden on Shabbat. Synagogues rely on donations and dues, and will solicit from members, but don’t outright request money on holidays and Shabbat. 

Outside of Reform and very nontraditional Conservative spaces, no instruments on Shabbat or holidays. No clapping either. Same goes for phones, cameras, and other electronics outside of microphones (which aren’t permitted in Orthodox services either).  11a. In the now-times an increasing number of shuls have set up cameras ahead of time pre-programmed to record, so they don’t have to actively “make fire” which is “work” (this is the relevant commandment/mitzvah) on Shabbat, so services can be live-streamed. 11b. After someone has completed an honor (reading from the Torah, carrying the Torah, opening the ark, etc), the appropriate response is a handshake after and the words “Yasher Koach” (again, Before-Times).

Jewish services involve a lot of movement. Get up, sit down. Look behind you, look in front of you. Twist left, twist right. A disconnected Jew or gentile visitor would be best off just trying to follow along with what an exchange student we had once termed “Jewish choreography.” Some prayers are standing prayers (if able), some are sitting prayers. It’s just how it is, although a handful of prayers have variations on who stands. 

[stevenuniversallyreviews]

Episode 73: Too Far

“I hope you understand. I want to understand.”

Pearl might have a flair for big dramatic moments of antagonism, but on a day-to-day basis, Amethyst has always been the meanest Crystal Gem. This doesn’t mean she’s cruel, as this is a fundamentally sweet show, but it’s not nothing. Her tough exterior can lead to gruffness, her sensitivity can make her lash out, and she’s a lovable goon even on a good day, reveling in teasing Steven and getting a rise out of Pearl. She’s the friend that always remembers to punch you on your birthday.

I say this because we’re meant to empathize with Amethyst when Peridot merrily needles at all of her insecurities. And I do! The last thing Amethyst needs is for a certified Kindergartener to confirm that she literally came out wrong. She should be a massive brute with a body that matches her attitude, but in her runty frame, all that berserker energy comes off as scrappiness instead. We’ve really gotten to know Amethyst by now, and seeing Peridot dismantle the self-esteem she’s been building up since Reformed is rough stuff. 

Buuuuut yeah this is Amethyst’s fault.

Amethyst spends the first half of Too Far making fun of Peridot. The intent here is debatable: an ungenerous reading could say that Amethyst is straight-up bullying her, but I doubt that’s what she meant to do. I’m pretty sure she’s just joshing around like she always does, and this is her teasing olive branch. But regardless of intent, look at this from Peridot’s point of view. She’s a captive of a planet that’s doomed to explode and is stuck working with a team that she’s been fighting until very recently. The leader of this team just put her on a leash, and one of its members is laughing at the way she talks. When they get to Kindergarten, Amethyst calls her a nerd, and even if she doesn’t know what the word is, she shows that she doesn’t like it. Peridot is then incited to roast Garnet and Steven, which earns laughter and starry-eyed approval. 

So we’ve got this hyper-literal stranger who knows she’s being teased, but is also getting laughter for saying what she feels, and gets even more laughter when she bluntly assesses two of Amethyst’s friends, one of whom is right there with them. Why would Peridot think that Amethyst would get upset by continuing these analyses? Especially because she's saying what she thinks are nice things about Amethyst at first.

Based on the model for friendship that Amethyst has presented, Peridot is doing the right thing. Then Amethyst changes the rules, Peridot doesn’t understand, and at the end of the episode she’s made to apologize. But Amethyst, for whatever reason, is not.

Peridot is hardly pure and innocent. The reason she was tied up in the first place was her overt fusionphobia, and even if a bigot doesn’t understand that their toxic views are wrong, it doesn’t excuse harmful behavior. (They should also be educated, but we’ll get to that in Log Date 7 15 2.) She hasn’t learned her lesson from Back to the Barn, and only reluctantly acknowledges Pearl’s skills. She’s still ornery and is still coming off many, many episodes of being the bad guy.

But it’s made very clear that Peridot doesn’t understand basic things about Earth—that’s the whole impetus for Amethyst messing with her—so it’s super unfair to expect her to understand the nuance of Amethyst’s capricious enjoyment of mean humor. And it’s okay that Amethyst is unfair about this. It’s totally within her character to be hypocritical about this. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t apologize for her part of this conflict, and teach all the little Amethysts watching that if your language of friendship is light bullying, you better be able to take what you dish out.

Okay, so that’s my big gripe with Too Far, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like the episode. Even if it doesn’t stick the landing, there’s some terrific character work for Peridot and Amethyst here. Peridot gets a lot more to do, because she’s the one who’s allowed to grow here, but I like how Amethyst gets uncomfortable even when Peridot is praising her as “the only Crystal Gem that’s actually a Gem,” as anything that makes her stick out of place among her family is unwelcome attention. And her ensuing bad mood is played just right: she’s not having a meltdown, she’s just a sullen teenager. Peridot will appreciate the practice when Lapis comes to town.

But yeah, in terms of growth this is Peridot’s episode through and through. It includes the first appearance of her tape recorder, which allows us an unprecedented level of narration on this voiceover-free show, and this stream-of-consciousness helps quickly develop her in a way that other characters, who’ve had seventy-odd episodes to burn, haven’t needed. It’s our first look into Peridot as a new source of metacommentary, starting with her legendary description of Pearl’s main activities: “Singing, crying, singing while crying.” She’s starting to settle in and care about what the Crystal Gems think, and it’s cool to see her actually being helpful instead of projecting competence to spite Pearl: taking a drillhead from an injector is a good idea!

I think the coolest thing about this episode is how her desire to please Amethyst gets extra context from Message Received, where we see just how seriously she takes the hierarchy of Homeworld. Her reverence for Yellow Diamond shows that she’s as invested in being a subordinate as she is in lording over Pearl: the notion that every Gem has her place is Peridot’s gospel, so of course she sees Amethyst as “the best Gem here” compared to a pearl, a fusion, a hybrid freak, and a lowly peridot. Even without her explicitly talking about Amethyst’s rank, we see Peridot trying to get on her good side in a way she never does with any other Crystal Gem, Steven included. Then the same behavior is seen when the Ruby Squad mistakes Amethyst for Jasper in Back to the Moon, further making sense of Peridot’s deference. This is the sort of thing that makes rewatches so fun.

Despite Amethyst mostly being the cause of the episode’s conflict and a springboard for Peridot to change, we get a lot of groundwork here for her future. It takes a while for her Season 2/3 arc to really rev up: by the time we get to the meat of it in Crack the Whip, Garnet’s and Pearl’s are long done, even though Amethyst’s actually starts first (Reformed barely precedes Sworn to the Sword and Keeping It Together). But I sort of love that. Because as we learn in Too Far, her issues largely stem from arriving late.

The episode wisely avoids direct comparisons to Jasper, even if it’s easy to leap to that image when Peridot describes the ideal quartz. We also don’t mention an even more obvious comparison, Rose Quartz, whose class is in her name and who we know was gigantic (even though Pink wasn’t a true quartz and was several times larger than the new form she chose). Instead, the knowledge of what these bigger Gems are “supposed” to look like is a ticking time bomb for Amethyst’s self-image, which wasn’t great to begin with. There’s way too much to deal with right now to delve too deeply, but it’s nice to have Too Far set things up here so Amethyst’s inevitable breakdown isn’t out of nowhere.

Garnet is fantastic, obviously. She’s efficiently used for humor and has room for a badass character moment that’s just the right amount of petty. Pearl is in full work mode, so of course she gets a small freak-out, but her understated competence continues to nicely contrast Peridot’s intensity.

Steven is ever-attentive in his new job as Peridot’s Earth Coach, which honestly does give an in-universe reason for her one-sided apology; I’m sure Amethyst would’ve seen the error of her ways if the show’s conscience was hanging out with her instead. I love that the emotion he coaxes out of Peridot is “smallness,” because that’s how she’s conditioned to see the universe. Big Gems are important, small Gems aren’t. There are obviously exceptions (pearls are tall, if reedy), but Steven allows her to express herself in her own terms while Amethyst teases her for it. Yes, he still laughs along with Amethyst, because he’s not perfect and also is a kid, but his empathy is what allows for their stirring final exchange.

It is big of Peridot to admit that she’s wrong, even if she needs to take baby steps like a prerecorded message to do it. She’s still learning. For me, her apology is what confirms that she has potential as a Crystal Gem, and not just as a friend of Steven’s. It took a couple episodes, but Peridot has gone from experiencing Steven’s overtures of friendship to trying them out for herself. Despite some great storytelling to make us doubt her as the season nears its end, the damage is already done, and her heart has been exposed. She even gets a little moment of star-like hair, which I doubt was the intent, but I love it!

(But guh just apologize already Amethyst. Drives me nuts.)

Future Vision!

Man, Peridot would’ve had a way easier time getting tools from her leash’s radius if she had some sort of, I dunno, metal powers or something.

I’ve never been to this…how do you say…school?

Florido’s High School AU is our main promo art once again; I love the little touch that they’re fighting in the AV room. And that Pearl is the one who went off to tell an adult. What a narc.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

There’s so much good here, but sorry, I do think it’s really important that all the Amethyst-like kids out there see a story where they’re actually held accountable for their unintentional riling. So it ranks a little low, but not too far down. 

(Not as good as Steven’s drill pun, but what is?) 

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Winter Forecast

When It Rains

Catch and Release

Chille Tid

Keeping It Together

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

Warp Tour

The Test

Future Vision

On the Run

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Back to the Barn

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Historical Friction

Friend Ship

Nightmare Hospital

Too Far

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

No Thanks!

     5. Horror Club      4. Fusion Cuisine      3. House Guest      2. Sadie’s Song      1. Island Adventure

[starshineskyandthepowerofrock]

First Impressions

Part 4 of Starshine, Sky, and the Power of Rock.

I had intentionally not told any of the students which band I would be a part of with the hope of making it a pleasant surprise when I walked in their dorm. I suppose they're still in for a surprise, but seeing a vampire walk in right behind me may dampen the "pleasant" part.

Skylar has caught up to me. Her smile gives me the fullest view of her fangs I've seen all night. I have to fight every muscle in my body not to instinctively step back, because at least she's being friendly.

"Seriously?" she says. "We're gonna be in the same band?"

I swallow hard. "It would appear so," I say, trying to restrain the shake in my voice.

"Well, in that case," Skylar says, holding out a hand. "It's a pleasure to work with you."

It takes me a second to realize what she's trying to do, largely because I can't recall the last time I shook hands with someone. I'm used to curtsies and bows. I adjust my tiara a bit, wondering if she's somehow unaware of my royal status. Her eyes flit to my tiara, then to her hand, then back to my eyes. Her brow furrows.

"Do people not shake hands around here?" she asks, beginning to pull away.

Oh no, I'm being rude! I grab her hand and shake it. It's rough and highly callused, especially around the fingertips. It's also room temperature. Like a corpse. "Sorry," I say. "Allow me to formally introduce myself. I am Her Royal Highness, Princess Starshine of the Land of Light, but you may call me Star. I mostly sing, but I also play a little guitar."

We let go and Skylar puts her thumbs in her belt loops. "And I'm Skylar Acdalur... of... Acdalur Family Farm, but you can call me Sky," she says. "I mostly play guitar, but I sing a little."

Well, Sky is a far more Land of Light-esque name than Skylar, so I'm more than willing to call her as such. I nod. "Okay, then. Sky, it is. I'll go to your dorm with you."

And so we walk. Something Sky said is sitting with me weird. "You own a farm?" I ask.

Sky chuckles. "My family owns a farm," she says, then looks up at the high ceiling. "All this is kinda a big change for me."

I think back to the tiny orphanage. Its square footage was probably smaller than this hallway alone. "I know what you mean. But you'll get used to it. I certainly did... Did you say your family?"

"Yep," Sky says. "Mom, Dad, and seven big brothers." She turns to me, amused. "Mom really wanted a girl."

I nod, taking this in. "You... have a family," I say, as though saying it again will help me better understand.

"What, did you think we divide like cells?"

I scoff. "No! I just... I guess I never thought about monsters having, like, families and stuff. But I suppose it only makes sense."

We chat the rest of the walk, and all the while my mind can't move on from the concept of a monster having a family. I think about how much my parents love me. Do her parents feel the same way about her? Or did they have her for utilitarian reasons? But her face when she spoke about them reminds me so much of how anyone else would speak about their family. So, why would she leave them, then? But I suppose that's what all of the kids here are doing. It doesn't mean they don't care about the ones they're leaving behind. Huh.

When we get to the dorm, Sky blinks at the handle-less door in confusion. I guess they don't have this kind of lock on the Isle. I'll have to demonstrate, then. I lean towards the little mic in the wall next to the door, press the button that turns it on, and hum the little jingle for this specific door. The doorknob appears in a little whirl of sparkles.

Sky smiles, impressed. "Nice," she says.

I enter the front living area of the three-room apartment first, sure to block Sky because maybe I can do some damage control before the "What is a vampire doing in my room" storm hits.

Three girls turn upon the door's opening, and their eyes light up in delight. "Your Highness!" they all say in unison, and hurry to greet me.

I recognize Gossamer Glade from earlier. "Are you going to be in our band?" she asks, giving a submissive curtsy. Her big, round, green eyes and heart-shaped face make her look a whole lot like her older sisters, but I'm willing to judge her on her own merits. I smile at her.

"Yes," I say, to which the girls begin to squeal.

One of the girls, whose long, fuzzy ears sticking out from the top of her bubblegum pink pixie cut mark her as a moon rabbit, bows straight down and back up, failing to contain her excitement. "Ohmygoodness, Your Highness, I lovelovelove your voice SOOOO much! My name is Waxing Crescent! I play drums!" she says in a very high-pitched voice.

"And I'm a bassist," Gossamer says.

The third girl I know to be a mermaid, based on her pale blue skin and the fact that her deep blue hair smells heavily of salt water. She's looking down at her scaly feet, body parts she is likely unused to, judging by her awkward stance and the fact that she's swaying. "I'm Pearlessence," she mumbles. "I play keyboard."

"We were wondering why there were only three of us in here," Gossamer says. "You don't know how relieved I am to know that you're the fourth member."

"So, are you gonna live in our dorm with us?" Crescent asks. "'Cause there's space for one more!"

"Um, actually, I'm sleeping in my own room. But..." I step out of the way so that Sky can enter the room. Faces fall, and a horrible stillness descends over the three girls. Pearl looks like she's trying not to look terrified. Crescent looks purely bewildered. Gossamer looks like she wants me to guide yet another student to the principal's office tonight.

"Everyone," I say delicately. "This is Sky. She's a guitarist. She's the fifth member of our band."

"Nice to meet you," Sky says, and holds out a hand. The girls jump back as one. Sky gets the message and puts her arm down.

Gossamer looks to me. "May I please speak to the principal." It's phrased like a question, but the tone suggests a demand.

Ugh, my legs are jelly at this point! I don't want to make that walk twice in one night! Especially with someone in such a bad mood. "You may speak with her tomorrow," I say. I need to change the subject. "I trust everyone has been settling in nicely?"

"We were," Gossamer says.

"'Were'?"

"Yes," she says, turning to stare daggers at Sky. "We were."

Sky says nothing, but refuses to break eye contact with Gossamer. The unreadable mask has fallen back over her face, and it's only now I notice it had been starting to come off earlier. I place cautious hands on her shoulders and guide her to one of the bedrooms on either side of the living area. "Why don't we ensure your room is in order?"

"Wait!" Gossamer steps in front of us. "I'm sleeping in this room!"

"The bedrooms are designed to accommodate two people," I reply.

"Yes," she says. "Two people."

I blink. "Are you implying that Sky isn't a person?"

Gossamer looks Sky up and down. "If the shoe fits."

Sky tenses under my hands. I look at her face to find her pale eyes wide and her nostrils flared. The slightest twitch in her upper lip reminds me of the razor-sharp fangs gleaming just behind it. I remove my hands from her with haste.

If Gossamer realizes she's gone too far, she doesn't make it apparent. Nose up, she walks past us and towards the door to the hallway.

"We'll see what my father has to say about this," she says before slamming the door behind her.

Crescent's voice breaks the silence. "Her father?"

"Mr. Glade is the history teacher," I explain.

"We're gonna have to be taught by her dad?" Sky asks with disgust.

I pat her on the shoulder gently. "Don't worry, Sky. Come on, let's get you situated."

⭐⭐⭐

The discomfort of the previous encounter has encouraged Crescent and Pearl to retreat into their room, so now it's just Sky and me in a half-furnished bedroom. Gossamer has already claimed the side nearest to the door, as evinced by an ornately designed oak canopy bed with sheer, green and yellow floral hangings, and a matching vanity and wardrobe. In a corner farthest from the door are a couple beat-up leather trunks and a guitar case.

"I take it those are yours?" I ask.

"Yeah, your guys are good," Sky says, taking in the room as she makes her way inside. She starts digging through her envelope again. "So, I read the instructions for the Soul Key thing back home, but could you give me a refresher?" She pulls out the key in question. It's plain stainless steel. They're normally much shinier, and made of silver. An exception must have been made for her sake.

"Okay," I say. "Open that little compartment on the end there."

Sky undoes the tiny latch on a clear, circular compartment that makes up the handle of the key and opens it. She looks up at me. "And then you put, like, one of your fingernails or something in there, right?"

I swallow back a trace amount of vomit. "A part of your body, yes. Most opt for a couple strands of hair."

Sky looks down at her stubby fingernails, which look like they haven't had a day of care her whole life. Or death. Or... existence? "I guess that would make things easier," she says before plucking a couple strands from her swooping bangs. "Why am I doing this?" she asks as she balls up the white hair between her fingers.

"The Soul Key needs a bit of you so that it may extract a bit of your soul and use it to, among other things, automatically personalize your living space. You'll find it saves loads of decorating time."

Sky's fingers pause. "That's a pretty creepy way to decorate."

I refrain from pointing out the irony in a vampire calling something creepy and instead watch with interest as Sky puts her hair in the key and closes it up. My impression of vampires has always been that they don't have souls, which is why they don't have reflections. So, what happens when a Soul Key tries to extract a soul from a person who doesn't have one? As I ask myself this question, I look up at Gossamer's vanity to see both Sky and myself reflected back. Huh.

We watch her hair disappear with a magical spark, and soon the key starts glowing hot pink. The glow gets bright to the point where we can't make out the form of the key anymore, then subsides to reveal that the handle has transformed into the shape of a hot pink heart. The rest of the key is no longer gray, but sports an anodized rainbow pattern. Interesting. I would have expected the visual representation of a monster's soul - which I guess she has - to be much scarier than this. And nowhere near as cute.

Sky looks up at me, and I her. "Cool," she says. "What next?"

I snap out of my thoughts. I'm supposed to be helping her. "Put it in the appropriate keyhole," I tell her, indicating the wall across from the door. Sky locates the keyhole in the wall and does as instructed. She turns the key hard, and seems surprised to find it cranking like a music box wind-up. She cranks it a few more times, then lets go.

"Stand back!" I tell her, and she obeys.

A music box tune pumps its way through the walls, and a sparkly, rainbow-colored mist sets in, taking the form of the same basic furnishings as Gossamer, but it's all rather minimalist when compared with Gossamer's numerous flower carvings, and it's made of polished ebony instead of Gossamer's matte brown oak. Forgetting who I'm with for a second, I expect the largest furniture piece to take the form of a bed, but no, it's a coffin. Sky gravitates to this part of her new room immediately. She runs a hand along the shiny split lid, giving an impressed whistle.

"A real casket..." she says, lifting the lid's top half to reveal a cushy, pastel interior, including a comfortable-looking blanket with a rainbow-colored cobweb print. "I never thought I'd sleep in one of these."

"What else would a vampire sleep in?" I ask.

"Back home, all we could afford were coffins," Sky replies. Apparently, there's a difference.

"Well, I clearly don't know much about coffins, but this casket seems... cozy," I say, and I mean it. Curious, I push down on the plush bottom, and my hand gets a good couple inches down before springing back. It really seems like something one wouldn't mind sleeping in, if breathing wasn't an issue. It adds a fascinating new context to something I normally only see during funerals.

Sky has went to open her trunks. "I can't believe there's no tuition to get into here," she tells me. "This is so nice, I feel kinda bad."

"Oh, don't!" I say as I watch her move a small assortment of worn jeans and plain shirts from one of her trunks to the wardrobe that already holds several uniform sets. Is that all the clothes she brought to last through the school year? "Mama says that if you have what it takes to get in here, then money shouldn't hold you back. Plus, this school is state-run. Have you seen how big our kingdom is? We have no shortage of tax money!"

Sky chuckles as she closes the casket and climbs on top of it to hang up a couple posters for some monster bands I've never heard of. She teeters on the rounded, smooth surface.

"Um, maybe you shouldn't-" I start, but Sky has already slipped and fallen hard on her arm. I yelp and rush to help her up. "Are you okay?" I ask, pulling her up by her good arm. I'm afraid to see the damage on the other one.

Sky sucks in the air through her teeth, rolling her shoulder a couple times. "Yeah, it just hurts."

I sigh. "I thought you broke your arm for a second!"

Sky shakes her head. "I'm a vampire. Only a handful of things can actually hurt me."

I nod, reminded of what she is. "Oh, right! Like, um, silver is one, right? And garlic, and wooden stakes, and fire, and decapitation..." I trail off when I notice Sky's eyes widening, and the corners of her mouth coming down.

"... That's right," she says, her brow furrowed. "Guess you do know some things about vampires." She releases her arm from the grip I hadn't noticed I still had on her and turns to keep unpacking.

Hmm... Awkward... I consider telling her that the only reason I know all that is for defense purposes, but that may just freak her out more. Instead, I keep quiet and watch her take out a ragged plush spider with eight button eyes. She places it inside the casket, and its aging brown terrycloth looks a bit out of place amongst the soft, dreamy fabrics.

"That's cute," I say, trying to make things a bit less tense. "You didn't really strike me as a stuffed animal type."

Sky closes the casket again, shrugging sheepishly. "I've had him since I was real little. Can't sleep without him." She's staring at the floor.

I try to imagine what Sky as a child would look like. The image is actually kind of cute. "Daw," I say. "That's really sweet. What's his name?"

"Uh..." Sky drums her fingers on the casket. "Wilbur," she says, then turns away again. She goes to pull out a frame from one of the trunks, and places it on the vanity, whose mirror is shaped like a heart. "You were wondering about my family, right? Here we are."

It's one thing to hear someone has seven siblings, but Sky flanked, three on one side and four on the other, by vampire boys ranging in age from mid teens to early twenties is still quite a sight. Gender isn't the only way Sky differs from her brothers, though. Everyone in the photo wears clothes as old-looking as what Sky is wearing right now, but everyone else has at least made an effort to appear clean-cut. Sky, meanwhile, has half her shirt untucked and has attached a couple chains to her jeans, which once again have that spotted acid wash pattern on them. She's the only one with pants like that. So that's a choice. Interesting. Also notable is that all of her family members, including her parents, are holding dainty-looking flutes, all except Sky, who brandishes a black electric guitar with numerous fading stickers on it.

What strikes me the most, though, is how... colorful everyone else is. None of them are nearly as melanin blessed as me, mind, but despite their ashy, pale complexions they look positively glowing next to the bone white Sky. They also all have rather dark hair, and here's Sky with hair the color of snow. And their eyes are red, the standard vampire eye color that Sky seems to lack.

"Wow," I say. "They're... not what I was expecting."

"Yeah," Sky says, amused.

"So, how did..." I have to traverse this carefully. "The... all-white thing happen? Because you super don't look like your parents." Nailed it, Star.

Sky shrinks a little, averting her eyes. "I have albinism, if you couldn't tell."

I step back. "Is that contagious?"

"No!" Sky exclaims, indignant. She sighs and softens a bit. "It's genetic. It just means I'm missing a lot of melanin. You know, coloring?"

"Oh, so you're albino! Yeah, I've heard of that, come to think of it. I really should have realized, but it hardly registered what with everything else going on with you. You know... being a... um... a monster and all."

Sky blinks. "Right."

I clasp my hands together. "Well, it was nice to meet you, Sky, but I should really get to bed. See you in class!" I say.

Sky nods. "You too."

As I make my way back to my bedroom, my mind swims in the oddest mixture of bewilderment and bliss. I'm starting school tomorrow. I'm really going to be in a band. But craziest of all, I met a monster today, and she's going to be in my band. And even crazier, I think I'm starting to be okay with that.

[cepmurphy]

20 Elections - 20 Notes

During the general election, I wrote twenty different alternate history shorts. Here’s the thinking and points of diversion behind them: (SPOILERS) #1: You Won’t Get Me, I’m Part Of The Union This one, you can tell it was written when Le Pen was clearly going to make it Round 2 of the 2017 French elections. (Banks is in UKIP financier Aaron Banks) The title is from a hit song in the 70s about trade unions. Famously, a desperate French President Reynaud in 1940 proposed a vaguely defined “Anglo-French Union” in the hope of keeping his government going and France fighting. Any such union would, of course, stick together only in conflict. Of the other three union members, Ireland was secretly offered Northern Ireland back if it joined the war effort in 1943 and Gabon did hold a referendum on independence or remaining part of France. Britain was lucky in that it’s the only European empire to have escaped decolonisation without a long, bloody war (for us rather than the locals) to retain colonies that we then lost anyway. France fought two such wars in Algeria and Vietnam - if we were bonded to them, we wouldn’t be so lucky as real life. #2: A Popular Mandate The title is a mean dig at pro-Brexit’s talk of mandates but the story is based on Erdogan’s increasingly autocracy in Turkey. (And he too held a referendum) The POD is another famous one: the coup plots against Harold Wilson by a few idiots in MI5 and press magnate Cecil King, with Lord Mountbatten intended as the interim leader. In real life it was a damp squib but if it had happened, then the door would be opened for more coups - the spell that we call “peaceful exchange of power” would be shattered and, like a few other countries, we might never get it back. Dimbleby as in David Dimbleby, the BBC’s undying election night host. #3: These Colours Don’t Run IRON MAIDEN!!! One of their many songs about war and armies, of course. The Iraq War was a hugely defining event, the two of the one-two punch that started with September 11. It hangs over every foreign military engagement for a dozen countries and makes people leery of any big involvement. And the Iraq War happened solely because George Bush and his chums won, and were given an opening by 9/11 - so you just need the votes in Florida to change and then, we just have a string of successful, “cheap” interventions from Falklands on (or so we’d remember them). Is that notoriously gobby Jess Philips as Labour leader, battling against notoriously urg-not-HIM Liam Fox? I can’t possible comment. #4: Carry On As in “keep calm and”, written not so long after a terrorist attack. A statement had to be made. #5: Meet The New Bosses This one comes from two things: the unprecedented success of Macron in France and the collapse of the big parties that allowed it, and the many, many fluctuating polls in our election. Labour and the Tories seem like stable, unstoppable forces but such certainties can change - as seen by the obliteration of the Lib Dems and SNP eating all other parties in 2015, as well as France. All it would take is a bit of time and both parties screwing up - the wrong leaders at the wrong time, rather than the zeitgeist-nabbing Blair and Cameron. (Danzcuk was exposed as a creepy sexter after seeming like a righteous campaigner so imagine if he’d got power...) Cole from story #1 is back but in a different role due to the different timeline. That comes from Kim Newman’s Life’s Lottery, where the same cast appear over and over in different roles & personalities depending on what choice the reader makes. (Vince as in Cable, Abbott as in Diane) Why Dundee? Cos the Beano, home of Roger the Dodger, is from there. The Yorkshire Party is actually real but has never won a thing. The BNP hasn’t either, but here they benefit from UKIP never supplanting them and stand as the Front National standins. #6: Status Quo Statistically, it’s weird that we not only have had only two women PM’s who were the only two female party leaders at UK level and so few women seriously run for the job. I wonder what could ever be the reason for that. I wonder. All female leaders mentioned are real prominent politicians, some more than others. Davidson is Ruth Davidson, Scottish Tory leader and at the time of writing, I didn’t expect her to be the Tory’s shining light in 2017, the one gaining them seats without loss. Maybe she will be a potential PM soon.... #7: The Old Familiar Stain The title comes from the song Hurt, by NIN and then Johnny Cash. A recurring claim in Britain is the Empire wasn’t so bad and we brought civilisation to the heathens, even if we know not to say White Man’s Burden now - this even as we hear time and again about atrocities we glossed over at the time. (Kenyans who were tortured during the Mau Mau uprising did go to the High Court a few years ago) Surely we’d not think that if we’d been good socialists, right? Politicians mentioned are all key Labour people through history - including party founder Keir Hardie - with “Uncle Arthur” a nickname for Arthur Henderson. Only Ramsay Macdonald got to be PM in real life, and in difficult circumstances. #8: The Big Society Title is, of course, a mean dig at a Cameron slogan. A bunch of alternate history and sci-fi stories have multinational megastates and power blocks. Council elections are often meagre because they’re considered to not really be powerful - why wouldn’t that happen in a hypothetical ‘megastate’? The POD here is no American Revolution, leading to increasingly powerful dominions within empire, leading to here. Philadelphia was America’s prime city before the revolution and temporarily a capital. #9: A Sense of Proportion I was in a defiantly optimistic mood for this one. Back in 2011, we decided not to move to a different electoral system - alternative vote rather than this timeline’s single transferable - but stick with first-past-the-post instead. Voting models show this would prevent a majority Tory government and lead to UKIP's 4m voter surge giving them more than one seat. That would not have been sustainable, hence the early election after all. Ed Miliband really has had a change of reputation in certain circles: once he was no longer party leader, he started to be quite funny and play social media like a fiddle. That, it seems, was the real Ed all along and he was covering it up. Once you take fear away... #10: Special Relationships You can all tell what this one’s about. Ruth Davidson returns, this time with Louise Mensch, former MP and major Trump & Putin hater. Having her be in Cabinet is a stretch but hey, narrative. Operation Sea Lion is the famous Nazi plan to invade Britain - and in violation of alternate history, most historians are pretty sure Sea Lion would have failed. If that had happened, you alter the shape of World War Two. The barbed comments about America “being late” for the war are still made now, after we were allies together, and if America had never shown up at all (and without Pearl Harbor it may not have) then all we ‘know’ about transatlanic relations is out the window. #11: The Great Blue Hope Popularly, the Falklands was what saved Thatcher’s first term. A divisive government, high unemployment, and an eyecatching new opposition party in the SDP could have nobbled her without the war - and the war could have easily gone against us. And once you’re a failed party, you can be a failed party for a generation. The many annoying answers to door-knocking are all things that I’ve seen or heard canvassers & politicians mention. It’s a right slog.

#12: Clever, Clever, Clever I Don’t Like Michael Gove: The Novelisation. Gove really did backstab Boris Johnson in the real world’s 2016 party race. Now we know that’s what Mr “I Don’t Want To Be PM” would do. We also have allegations he was at dinners with Trump allies that Cambridge Analytica set up. He was a Brexiteer - and once the Prime Minister is taking a stance, that side can no longer claim to be the anti-establishment vote. Labour and the Lib Dems going into coalition in 2010 is a recurring ‘what if’ in political thought. It’s public record how many people in Labour didn’t want to, however, and if the Lib Dems were doomed for helping Tories imagine if they’re propping up a ‘failed’ government. It’df definitel;y be Tories winning next. Liz Kendall came nowhere near winning the Labour leadership in our time but she did get brief attention for playing the Young One card - after 17 years of power and looking tired in public, Labour would want young. #13: Frankenstein Must Vote The further we get from the 80s, the dafter the “video nasties” thing seems. A bunch of horror movies, many not that bad except in production value terms, being effectively banned in the UK, that far into the 20th century? The past is another country. Hammer Horror did not, in real life, survive the mid-70s but it could have, maybe, with a bit more effort. Zepellins vs Pterodactyls really was a planned film. There’s Cole again! (And Ansari from #5, in passing) Yeovil is a penname for Kim Newman. #14: Mission Control A Newquay spaceport is a controversial idea the Tories pitched this year. Could it even work? We may find out, we may not. British space agencies have never quite worked the way we dream about them. Black Knight was almost a real rocket system but, in the end, did not happen. Money was only going to pay for so much and realistically, any UK NASA would be limited. However, it could change us despite that - as Warren Ellis once argued for Ministry in Space, our space fiction is the cry of a declining Britain, hungry to believe there was something else to do. Another big nation involved in space flight would also transform the space race, even if it sucked at it. Charles Kennedy never became PM but could - maybe should - have. #15: And I Would Make Five Hundred K The SNP once helped keep Labour in power in the 70s and in exchange, they got a referendum on devolution - one that did not succeed. If it had, it is possible independence may have happened earlier, and (for the plot to work) we’re saying Scotland was less hit by Thatcher’s policies and instead turned them into Scotland’s own. With oil and financial dealings, an independent Scotland could prosper - and would be prey to large foreign sharks. We often think of an independent Scotland as mega-left because we assume the modern SNP will run it and start it off. It’s not a hard law. Oor Wully (”Our Willy” in phoenetic) is a long-running Scottish comic strip. Trump’s mother came out of Scotland and if this was blowing up at the time his businesses were doing bad in the States, I can see him shifting. #16: The Glorious Status Quo The Glorious Revolution - named by English people as for us, it was bloodless - saw parliament call in foreign Protestant monarchs to replace a more catholic-friendly one. This was a huge influence in our politics (and killed thousands upon thousands in Scotland and Ireland) as well as global, ending the Anglo-Dutch rivalry. Catholic-Protestant divides of the time mean even if it didn’t happen, something would at some point. Now this one was a toughie because with this far back a diversion, the world needed to be as different as I could get it without being incomprehensible. The tech, the landmarks, the ethnicities (Native American immigration) all get tweaks. For Tradesman Party, read Labour.

#17: Rock The Vote One thing that keeps going around is that Tony Blair - this is honestly the truth - wanted to get into music and was part of a student rock band. It would only take a bit more success on that front and Blair could have done that for a career instead of becoming an MP. I can’t say if he’d ever be that great a musician but in New Labour’s heyday he had the charisma, the drive, and ability to connect with the common man that, if he did have talent, would make him a star.

He used to be further left in his youth but got turned off by the hard left, as he says here. Blair was one of the main people pushing for action on Kosovo so sadly without him, that’s not stopped. #18: Heard Around The World Britain did not go fascist, unlike many other European nations. If we had, it would have eventually ended - but as with #2, once you’ve opened that bottle, the genie isn’t going back in. (You could also be sure America would back a right-wing post-fascist government over a socialist one) We’ve seen time and again that when certain governments get into power in certain countries, they may not last long.

Part of the inspiration was the Gambia, where the recent election had ended in the incumbent ignoring the result and the winning party have to flee abroad to get aid from the African Union.

Paisley as in the notorious Reverend Iain Paisley, Creasy as in Labour’s Stella Creasy, and Labour heavyweight Aneurin Bevan was from Wales.

#19: Big Boy’s Rules Britain is a big nation that’s not as big as it once was and ones to be bigger again. That compulsion to be big won’t go away. As noted before, Suez was what did us in as an imperial power - and made it clear Europe was out, the US and USSR were in. But militarily, it almost worked. A bit of extra time and we’d have won. And if we’d won, we wouldn’t care about the murkiness and the morality. #20: It’ll Be Alright On The Night Writtem very shortly before the vote. Simple diversion: Brexit does not happen. Everything follows on from there. To keep things as unclear as they seemed in our time, I arranged for both Tories and Labour to have weak, unpopular leaders - both seen as shifty. In hindsight, I’ve set up Labour to be stuffed unless it gets a coalition deal and I, like many, overestimated the third party vote collapse.

[roadswewalk]

T6T - my full reaction

Right I know this is super late (work project overload, apology posted preemptively), but here, finally, are my actual thoughts on second watch of T6T.  This is my first new episode since joining the fandom, so I really indulged.  This is like a live-blog meets rewatch review meets spaghetti meta.  Almost all of this is uninfluenced by others, since I missed the majority of what’s been written, but I’ve called out a few cases where popular opinion filtered through.  It probably goes without saying that to be able to write functionally about any of it, I have to make a baseline assumption that what I’m seeing has enough relationship to reality to be worth reacting to.  Doesn’t mean I believe that overall, but I’m not interested (not here, anyway) in playing mistake-lie-or-clue for every detail, so.  Grain of fish food.

Under the cut because LONG.

The hearing - uh oh.  Retcon technique crashes through the fourth wall into the fictional universe.  Or, I’m all up in ur fictional universe, redefining fiction.  Meta.  I get it: Don’t believe everything we’re about to show you, nor everything we’ve shown you before.  Or, at least, don’t take it too seriously.   And THAT is actually problematic

For starters, some of the people who abandoned ship last series complained that consequences aren’t real enough on this show.  For me, shooting Magnussen looks awfully gimmicky now that they’ve resolved it in this way; they'd never have got away with this if there hadn’t been a three-year hiatus.  Mycroft’s “oh Sherlock, what have you done?” is one of my favorite lines in the series.  Every.  Time.  Watery eyes to sobbing in 6 words.  It is utterly cheapened by not making the consequences real.  A little resistance, an impassioned appeal on the strength of Sherlock’s record of service - these would not have been out of place.  “My brother is a murderer”, sardonically, as the episode’s opening line should have been the first clue, I guess.

@ Sir Edwin shutting down the Moriarty discussion quickly and single-handedly: Has following TJLCers made me better at watching television, or was this disappointingly obvious?  @ Sherlock in this entire scene: I love it too, baby.

So the scene leaked via KBS dubbing was at the beginning, after all.  And completely not serious spoiler material, thanks for the slap on the wrist!

I like this tango they’re playing during the case montage!

Birth scene, :/  cliché.  Baby jokes - okay actually really cute.  Loving these boys with the baby, and apparently I could go for parentlock if it’s always just side-plots and comic relief.  John’s little flirtation - not so much, hope this is going somewhere plotty.  John’s backbend to ask about being godfather, though.  How flexible is that back, Dr. Watson?

Welsboroughs are pretty adorable.  Why does Mr. W. wear his ring on the pinky, though? - asked about this separately and never got a reply.  Mirror / magnifier next to Sherlock’s head - I guess this is Meaningful but it escapes me.

Noticing the Thatcher bust / pricking of my thumbs, a little difficult to accept.  But, “intuitions are not to be ignored” OKAY DADS.  A lot different from previously, though, with “dangerous to theorize without data“ etc.  “OCD - my respects”, lol.

Is Mr. Welsborough a John mirror here?  They’re wearing turquoise and defending Mrs. T’s existence together.  (Is this the same day that John goes home and texts E back?  He’s wearing the turquoise jumper?)  Wonder where Gatiss picked up this horrific story of Charlie’s death, I was in slight tears.  Relatedly (or not), Mycroft is GOLD in this episode.

On the established subject of the client-with-a-spy-wife being a John mirror: Note also, his line “I thought you’d done something clever.  But now you’ve explained it, it’s dead simple, inn’t it?” is directly from Watson on multiple occasions in ACD canon.  Also, at first I was like, “Why is Sherlock spending so much time impressing this man with his deductions?  He doesn’t know yet whether Lestrade (and arguably Hopkins) have brought him anything more interesting.“  Then I realized - he thinks John is sitting there watching him, apparently stunned into silence and charmed head-waving.  Awww. 

Lestrade saying “straße”, John saying “idée fixe”... it’s clearly Sherlock narrating.  Reliably or not, that is the question.  Sherlock noticing the scent of formaldehyde mixed with Lestrade’s usual cologne. <3 Sherstrade moment.  But why do people think Lestrade is going on a date with Hopkins?  He’s not? Sherlock said someone new from forensics; Hopkins is a DI working with Interpol.

“Slow, but sure, John.  Not dissimilar to yourself...  Well, I like you.”  I wasn’t sure I heard this right the first time!  Gratuitous compliments why.  John’s face does a nice journey after this but unfortunately Mary speaks right away.  Lovely on slo-mo.  “Having fun while I can” / “a noose for me to put my neck into” - awww, cheer up Sherlock, honey; you can’t die, you’re the star of the show.

When Craig first tells Sherlock the busts are from Tbilisi, he’s already looking up with his eyes doing their deduction dance.  The next scene implies it’s because of the Black Pearl of the Borgias case, but is it?  Lestrade’s reaction when Sherlock already knows the name of his victim - priceless.

Why does “luxury 1, 2 & 3 bed apartments” scroll across the screen when Sherlock is searching his phone about the pearl?  Graphics team: “well ads are unavoidable, it adds to the realism” lol what.  Man, it makes me a bit salty that they’re mentioning the blog so much even though we don’t get updates anymore, boo.

Sherlock: “They’re not destroying them, that’s not what’s happening.”  Lestrade: “Yes it is.”  Sherlock: “Well it *is* what’s happening but that’s not the point.  [Okay, thanks AGAIN, dads.]

Floor-to-ceiling Hokusai “Great Wave” print behind the pool - I am in lo<3!  Wearing leggings printed with Hokusai’s Phoenix as I type this and I just.  Guh.  That entire location is beautiful, thank you scouts!

All the ‘hand-waving” instead of proper switches in this house - again, I get it, thanks.

19:00 ... 22:00 flashing on screen.... so Sherlock waited 3 hours.  Am I supposed to get something from this?  (I hate not trusting anything I see on this show, nor my own ability to interpret art.  I take back one of those ‘thanks’, dads.)

Fight scene: gratuitous, fun, hard to accept.  Boys will be boys.  The people living in the house didn’t wake up?

 Why does Sherlock know what John said to forgive Mary?  Also, biggest mistake of the episode is right here, revealing he knows what that flash drive is and who had it.

The ambassador says she’s got something they would dearly love if they could get out - amo/ammo...  I’m still not sure how she fits in?  The flash drive is dangling around Ajay’s neck during the op?  So if the rescue goes wrong, AGRA are supposed to kill themselves, and what - hope the hostages are allowed to survive in captivity thereafter?

Lestrade knows about Mary’s past, seriously?  Once again the blog and the Internet fame make Sherlock & friends easy targets - though I don’t doubt Ajay could have found them easily enough without that.  Wow, shooting up the plaster bust studio must have been a good time ;)  Sherlock’s hidey-hole is... epic.  He even has a travel chemistry set and microwave (for the real experiments~), all that’s missing is a John Watson balloon, gods.  “That was quite a text you sent me” - what did it SAY?  At least he’s not giving her an easy time here. And is a different accent coming out?

“We were family.”  “Families fall out.”  [later, paraphrase] “I don’t know anything about them - happy families.”  Break my heart.  Sherlock, your mum and dad and big brother love you.  Don’t they?  Don’t they, Moftiss~?

Mary’s little smirk when Sherlock reminds her of his vow pretty much mirrors mine.  Like what can Sherlock Holmes do to protect her family better than a trained assassin?  (As we find out, nothing.)  The hubris here... it’s a huge part of what goes wrong in this episode, too.  Making the vow in the first pace was problematic and one of my least favorite things that Sherlock did, because it’s out-of-order, ridiculous, and impossible to maintain even before we knew anything about Mary and just.  Did anyone except Sherlock EVER believe that vow was worth something in reality, as opposed to some sad devotion he pledged to his best friend for wont of any more suitably dramatic exit from said friend’s wedding?  This brings me back to the awful angst-fest of a head-canon wherein Sherlock no longer places any value on his life alone, and he’s secretly longing for an excuse to start on a path that will secure his own death.  I’ve been there in depression and I’m not sure the writers realize they’re invoking it, nor that I trust them to handle it properly if they do.

Aw, PLEASE give us more of baby Holmes boys playing pirates.  Also, again, Mycroft <3.  But, Sherlock’s got a cracked rib here and he won’t go to John to get it wrapped.  “You don’t have many favors left” - apparently the only real consequence so far.  Mycroft: “What then?” - YES, THANK YOU, VOICE OF REASON!  “Not on my watch” - first from Mycroft, then from Sherlock.  But only Mycroft turns out to be able to back it up.  Score one for ice.

Why do the country names include U.S.S.R?  LMAO at Gatiss coming up with this sequence, like oh then she’ll grab a passport out of a rock in Norway, then how about a motorcycle in America?  I hope alcohol was involved, let everyone have fun with it.

She covers her head but shows her ankles?  Sherlock’s game with Karim, again, love.  It’s easy to forget why I love this show when I can’t follow the plot, but in the end, I do love it.  Sherlock’s little speech that he’s been preparing for ages to rattle off to Mary.  And then John walks in and wow, I can feel the smile slide off my face faster than Sherlock’s.  Definitely a hell of a lot faster than Mary’s!  It’s so awkward that Sherlock is there for the following conversation, especially the point he joins in, literl chills at the creep factor.  But - “couples are supposed to stay together and work things through” - as in, what John and Sherlock did while she was away?

And sorry to break in again here, but the “love” connection (lol) is tenuous enough.  Who would believe that an intelligence committee member would use a variation of her own code name as a sabotage code word?  Trying too hard to be clever, Mark, sorry.  Lady S under pressure is pretty hot, though.

Wow, John is so smooth when he’s being hit on.  Like the plot or no, really makes me want to try it, hehe.  Vampire... this screams foreshadowing but I won’t know of what until I see it, derp.

John’s bus number is 59 (159 return).  Another reference to that sonnet?

“How many more times?”  Lady S calling Mycroft on putting his brother before his other obligations.  Ouch.  When this dries up it’s going to be even more painful...  And, “you had better be right about this”, 'cept he wasn’t.  No wonder Sherlock is ready to die later.  There’s no pretty escape at this point.

“The curtain rises” - third time we’ve heard that.  He does love a touch of the dramatic.  Does it mean something else too?  The different text styles, poetry to one, usual demands to the other - I love it but i don’t know why.  Does it mean we won’t get poetry anymore from Sherlock?

Ballsy to film up in there.  I was expecting the aquarium walls to get shot up at some point.  Pity.  Well, maybe not.  Is this the entire shark analogy - “we’re like them, ghostly, living in the shadows, predators, we have to keep moving or we die”?  I guess the last one pretty well clinches it.  But it rubs up the wrong way to use the same symbol as for Magnussen, but for different reasons.

So she got involved for money, then she set up both sides of the rescue operation to get the ambassador assassinated to protect the fact that she was ever involved and hopefully make her exit?  Why didn’t she retire at that point?!

Hmm, does John call Mycroft or Lestrade from the cab?

So Sherlock going on about the wedding ring relocation here, when John is still wearing his ring on his left ring finger in the chess promo photo from TFP... I blogged some crack about it but now I’m wondering if it’s legit significant.  But anyway, Sherlock, shut up about single old ladies, alright.

Mystrade on screen together.  Maybe eye contact!  And Lestrade putting his brave on when Mrs. Norbury raises her gun.  Sherlock staring down the bullet like “I give in, I am yours” - not sure why people wondered at him not jumping out of the way, seems clear he’s ready and willing to die at this point, because he thinks it’s a solution to something.  Well, living on borrowed time, now, and with all favors called in, that’ll make for some good drama, can’t wait!

Wow, so, a woman has been on the edge of a dangerous lifestyle, but eventually she just wants a little peace.  A man with uncanny knowledge and mysterious connections to the government is on her trail.  She tries to confront him, but there are inconvenient witnesses.  Eventually she does fire her gun, but someone else gets shot, and it resolves nothing.  ...Am I describing Vivienne or Mary?

Pausing between Mary’s moment and John’s so I can appreciate the scene properly.  Oh god, I hate myself for this.   But really, Martin’s acting in TRF was perfect.  I know real primal grief is not pretty and that was probably very accurate, but I don’t come to television to see that much of reality.  You’re breaking our contract here a little by shocking me so much in a moment like this.  First watch, my tears dried right up.  This time I let them fall for awhile, and it was nice.  :/

They’re talking about proper portrayal of grief, but isn’t this transition to the anger stage a bit quick?  Mystrade and Sherlock facing off above the Watsons - this is very iconic-looking, though for the life of me I couldn’t say why Lestrade is there.  Hope it’s a backstory thing that we get to hear about later.  So many white men on this show, always coming out on top.  How can I adore them all?  Feel like I have to take a few punches out of my various identity cards for this weakness.

Roll call, who knew almost instantly that Ella was talking to Sherlock? How did you know?  I can’t decide what clued me in - I guess it was the camera angle, the transition from John to her on the same side of the frame?  By her second or third line it was obvious, but I swear I knew before that...

It just bugs me when Ella speaks in platitudes.  When my therapists weren’t as clever as me, they would do this.  It solves nothing.  Also I’m pretty sure she would have to recuse herself from Sherlock’s case if he mainly wants to talk about John, another client.  They’ve shown in THoB that they understand doctor-patient privilege, so, not sure what to make of this.

Mycroft at home is my severe kink.  Him with his lack of furniture in his kitchen, brolly has to lean against his case on the floor.  Still wearing his coat and waistcoat when he gets to the fridge (suits are cut much better this season, damn Mark), rubbing his sore neck, takeout menus, cuff links, pocket watch.

It’s hard to express the strength of my yearning to see inside Mycroft’s fridge.  Like I love that it’s mostly empty, but not seeing pitiful gaping immaculate interior is still one of the biggest disappointments of the episode, tbh.  And frankly that yearning extends a bit further, into slithering up behind and offering a neck rub territory.  People who read him as queer, are we talking zero exceptions?  Mind if I test that?   Antarctica, darling, give me a call.  That empty, listless feeling… I can help.  I hear you’re the Ice Man.  Well it may interest you to know that in certain circles, I’m known as the Ice Queen.  I realize you have incredible power and influence - probably enough to stop global warming.  Don’t do it, baby, I don’t care about that stuff.  I wanna melt with you.  (Heh, might send  that one to bbcsherlockpickuplines.)

13th in a post-it note, prompting a call to Sherrinford - at this point my money’s on drug rehab facility.  That Sherlock burns down.  Won’t that be fun.  And like season 2, I’m guessing this is setup for a plot arc that will be fully revealed in episode 3.  And that’s about the extent of my non-crack predictions for the next few episodes!

John’s balloon drooping off the table, oof.  “Work is the best antidote to sorrow” - like sorrow is poison, oh Sherlock, what would Ella say?  Not it’s not, it’s normal and it’s a thing you work through.  “Norbury” - she doesn’t know the details but she can see the significance, poor Hudders.

Mary making Moriarty jokes on the level of sensitivity that I often display (and which never fails to earn me zero notes)...   LOVE IT DON’T STOP BITCH!

“Nothing’s certain, nothing’s written” - the words that overlay John and Mary holding hands in that teaser of all teasers - a throw-away line picked up by marketers or a sign of things to come~?

“The danger was the fun part but you can’t outrun that.  You need to remember that so I’m giving you a case.”  What, retire to Sussex and stop putting John Watson in danger?  This is getting ‘danger’ously close to some of my crack theories for why a longer hiatus should follow.  MAYBE I’ll accept but only if they actually film us three episodes of retirementlock - with some quaint flashbacks or something - alright?

I’m glad Molly only says sorry the one time.  It’s not her apology to make.  Maybe best scene in the episode right here.  Reading the letter in the cab... brave.

Path locking around your feet, the demons under the street and the sharks in the river (sharks in a river?   really?), etc. - this seems to be confirmation that Sherlock is still awaiting his consequences; okay, good.  But “can Samarra be avoided?” - learned nothing, have you?  Or is it that your survival is necessary to save John Watson?

Go to Hell - not speculating, too little information.  I already know Sherlock’s going to Hell, that he takes John with him, and that they come back - my dad told me.

Summary things:

So live-Tweeting didn’t happen.  That was disappointing.  What is Joe Lidster’s new project, then?

I already knew the Samarra story really well from childhood and then a brief study in Arabic class once.  So the communication of it here felt really heavy handed.  Wish I hadn’t brushed up on it (thanks to NYT reviewer, I believe) beforehand.  I feel like Benedict’s retelling with the sharks would have been chill-inducing.

Contrasting with my complaint about weak consequences for the Magnussen incident, perhaps I’m supposed to take it that this episode was Mary’s consequences.  I wonder if we’ll see Sherlock’s consequences in episode 2 and John’s in episode 3 (or vice versa)?  Or, the ensembles (Hudders & co) in 2, and Sherlock & John’s in episode 3?  I know it’s a three-part story arc so I hope we’ll see something.  Sharks in the river, I’ll get my fishing pole!

Lastly, the “NO WAY” moment that the press reported - which even was it?

- Vivian "Ice Lolly” Norbury as the double agent?

- Mary jumping in?

- Sherlock at therapy?

I seriously couldn’t tell.  Again, does that me good at watching television, or bad?!