#seriously tho this day has been hellish

[hpdfag]

Your three kitties are absolutely so adorable. I have three too!! I just love looking at them sm,,,

Also good luck on your uh thousandth replay of SDR2? Like yass let’s add up to those…I don’t remember 2k hours of gameplay? I seriously don’t remember. But good luck! Autism wins today.

Strange question but what do you think of 2020-2021 danganronpa fandom or just media in general…tw for nsfw regarding dr but I was a shameless DR role player who did erotic rp. Nowadays I have found out I was just very psychotic and I didn’t understand that and responded with psychosis…but it sure is a dark time…! I’m not a role player and stuff tho nowadays dw dw I just thought you sounded cool. Well, I hope you have a great day,,,

- 🧶

hehe thats lovely !! i wish tumblr let you send images thru anon so u could send me pics .. (though i understand why anon image sharing cld be Abused...)

and its 200 hours!! 2k hours would end up as like a third of a year straight having dr running which would be a nightmare despite how much i love the game...

and i was a fan in 2020 and god. do i not miss it. im glad the hype around the games has died down because it was just hellish trying to exist as myself back then ... i was essentially a stereotype of a "faker" because my delusions center arnd being komaeda lolol. also none of the jokes were ever funny if i hear one more bagel "joke" im gonna start actually maiming.

i think generally it was just a symptom of being a big fandom at the time, any fandom with enough people (especially people that hop fandom to fandom based on popularity) will be a total abysmal mess and i try to avoid those whenever possible. and i truly have nothing against roleplayers, i think its a fun hobby, i always just feel weird seein people rp my friends and i lolol (and i dont want people mistaking my vents for like. in character musing. like no i do unfortunately think all of this is real)

and i hope you have a good day too !! since i finished up cleaning for the day (you can see my floor now! how lovely!) im gonna dick arnd in bloxburg for a while .. ive been working on a new house for a while and im excited to get it looking nice :D (ill probably also be doing more work for artfight later but for now .. rest tiem)

[from-izzy]

cupid's mistake | tbz kim sunwoo

“Now that’s a mistake that I can live with.”

​PAIRING » the boyz kim sunwoo x fem!reader (ft. nct's na jaemin) TROPE/AU » friends to lovers, non-idol au!, high school au! GENRE »​ THIS WAS SO FLUFFY UWU, but also add those angsts!!, SLIGHTLY suggestive (one makeout scene, sunwoo leaves kissing marks near your collarbones), love triangle...?, (kinda) slowwww burn, i love supportive and attentive sunwoo who gives so much love to the reader, MUTUAL PINING (they're both blind aye), sunwoo is an idiot because he PUSHES THE READER AWAY GRRR, cliché cause i live for this hehe, sunwoo babysits the reader's little bro (cutie sunwoo), sunwoo is the type to give the reader physical space because she's overwhelmed, reader blushing at sunwoo, a terrible attempt at comedy, oh...i think i'm in love with kim sunwoo again (i literally changed my bias to hyunjae like a month ago---) WORD COUNT » 13,061 (hi yes, izzy is entering her long wc era!!)​ ESTIMATED READING TIME » i'm scared to put this down 😭 forgive me!! WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!) » suggestive!!, reader is a lightweight (not sure if this is a warning), reader uses alcohol to distract herself (sunwoo will come to the rescue tho!; of legal age), reader has a bad schema for men, incredibly fast proofread once

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 part of 'especially to you...'

hands down the hardest story i've EVER written (including my 40+ wips) and i stopped multiple times because it explores a huge part of my life that makes me super vulnerable. the internet may judge me after this but i'm going to stay strong for myself; they don't know what i've been through.

i'm glad that i have met idols who have at least helped my schema for men. mark lee, na jaemin, cho seungyoun (woodz), lee jaehyun (hyunjae) and kim sunwoo (sorry i was so harsh on you 😭 i'm very thankful for your existence no wonder what anyone else believes and thinks; and people can believe what they want to believe because i'm tired of trying to make them believe something else).

izzy...

if there is one internet trend (?) that you should take seriously, it's that: not all men are the same.

and you know that. you've seen it with your guy friends and the teachers that you were close to in high school. they're not like the ones who hurt you. i know you're scared and with what you've been through, i would like to at least believe that it's valid. i really hope that you keep going and keep fighting.

thank you for reading @heemingyu @mmoonbaee !! love our chaotic trio!! 🥰

You’ve rejected Kim Sunwoo before.

Twice, apparently.

It left the rest of your friend group flabbergasted when they heard that you did something so incredible. When asked why you rejected the friend that has stuck with you since the beginning of your hellish high school days, the only response you gave them was a fake smile with your eyebrows knitted together and your eyes roaming around the room, avoiding the intense (and totally unnecessary) curiosity in their gaze.

The truth is that you really do see why people fall in love with Kim Sunwoo.

You agree with the fact that he’s a romantic person and would absolutely take care of his partner well. You can vouch for this with the number of times he almost faceplanted on the very non-slippery cement when he saw you on the other side of the road, excited to finally see his dearest best friend. You can confidently vouch for him when he stubbornly gives his favourite hoodie for you to use, not hesitating to make sure you’re warm even though he knows he’s going to be bedridden. You can brag about your best friend’s selfless personality, telling them how Sunwoo went out of his way to comfort you along the beach at night when you said you were feeling empty.

Out of everyone in the world, you’re the one who knows best that Sunwoo has always been a caring person. Like that time when you both finally became adults and he waited for his first sip of alcohol to be with you. Embarrassingly, you’re much more lightweight than you both thought but even though Sunwoo could barely balance his steps, that didn’t stop him from giving you a piggyback ride walk to your house where he also really embarrassingly this time, actually faceplanted in front of your mother as he misses the step down the stairs when leaving.

So yes, you understand why people have massive heart eyes whenever he’s around.

But to you, he’s just your best friend. One that you hope would be there for you every step of the way even after you go on to the next chapters of your life.

The first confession was a quick one, a simple “Have you ever thought of dating me?” from Sunwoo and with a playful disgusted look, you simply respond with “Ew, no way.”

But the second one is more serious for Sunwoo. His heart was beating so fast that it was strong enough to make his whole body fall onto the ground; maybe it would’ve been better for the Earth to swallow him up so that he’d never have to face you ever again. He didn’t know what took over him and where the sudden urge came from but he meant every single word that he said—and the hues of red and pink on both his cheeks show his true feelings for you (which you missed).

But maybe Sunwoo overestimated how confident he could be around you because as soon as he sputtered “I like you. Should we start dating?” He saw the way your fingers stopped their aggressive tapping on the black squares of your keyboard, freezing and halting for a bit more before your shocked eyes met his nervous ones. Scared to ruin this perfect friendship that he already has with you, he backs out of his words, shaking his head and letting out his forceful rehearsed laugh that got you both kicked out of the library. Though the day could have been the start of something new, he still relished the way he managed to hear at least the rapid complaints fly out of your lips. You’ve been stressed out over the English essay that you’ve been so distant, so at least even though you beat him in a game or rock-paper-scissors for food, the empty wallet that he’s left with after, filled the loneliness in his heart.

Gosh even when you’re mad, he finds you adorable.

But it’s been three years since the second confession and now three years after, Kim Sunwoo is still next to you. Call him a loser—a hopeless romantic—but he would argue the term, telling the people around him that he has his reasons.

“What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?”

The question is not a weird one between you both. Maybe you should’ve said the just-friends boy and girl version of ‘Galentine’s Day’ or whatever the kids these days call it because Sunwoo’s heartbeat would always spike at the mention of the couple’s holiday. He’s always spent the day with you and how could you refuse when he assures you that you can leave your wallet at home?

In truth, he just didn’t want other people to take you out. He tried to fathom the image of you receiving that giant teddy bear, a heart-patterned bow around the neck and maybe the word ‘love’ embroidered on its fluffy white tummy. The only smile in his head is yours and the date that is not him, and he couldn’t help but notice the constricting muscle around his heart and the churning of his stomach.

Kim Sunwoo will always root for you. If your happiness is with someone else, then he wouldn’t dare to take that away from you. He just wants to let you know his true feelings someday—if he could.

Sunwoo swivels his chair around, a quiet hum gave out as an answer for now. He hasn’t thought much about this year, his part-time job and full-time high school student occupying his thoughts a bit too much more than he would like. Usually, he would have a list of things to do but as responsibilities piled up, the wants decreased and with how you’re practically stuck with each other either way, he manages to check off most of the things in his places to go list.

You’re unaware of the longing eyes that fixed upon you as you kept your eyes directed to the ceiling, phone raised above your eyes. You made yourself comfortable on Sunwoo’s bed, his blanket going past your chest and covering your lower body from the blasting air conditioner. Your arms are getting a bit sore but you just want to know if the main characters in the drama would kiss soo—

“Alright, that’s enough internet for you today.” The device is snatched out of your hands, your arms cheering in relief as they plop down on the bouncy material. In refute to his actions, your back straightens but everything happened in a quick three-second interval that you didn’t realise that Sunwoo was already bending down and your forehead collided with his. “Oh my Go—” Sunwoo exclaims, his butt hitting the floor in surprise.

“Serves you right!” You exclaim, begrudgingly rubbing the area with your palm. “Why were you so close?!”

“I was telling you stuff but you weren’t paying attention!”

“You could’ve shouted it!”

“I called your name thrice?!”

“Oh my God! Okay, what was it that you wanted to say?”

All words get stuck in his throat. Even though his head and bottom hurt with the two critical hits at the most unexpected time, he couldn’t help but shy his face away with the way you blew the loose strand that blocks your vision, paired with the slight jut of your little lip as you turn your attention to him.

Sunwoo stutters, gulping when he sees your raised eyebrows from the corner of his eye. “U-Up to you.” Another gulp and wandering eyes, “Is there nothing you want to do?”

“Oh but,” you recall the favour that your mum asked from yesterday. “My mum asked if I could babysit my brother because she has plans already.” Heaving an apologetic sigh, feeling bad for letting Sunwoo down.

“Hey no,” an idea comes to mind as he leisurely crosses his legs. “I love your brother! How about we just spend the day together with him?”

Your eyes narrow suspiciously to the comment he once made about kids, “I thought you said you hate kids.”

“No, I said I hate those who are cuter than me.”

A scandalous gasp from you, “Are you calling my brother ugly?! I’m telling him and my mu—”

“No!” Realising his mistake, he quickly untangles his legs and tackles you back down on the bed instantly, his bigger build toppling over yours easily. “That’s not what I meant! He's an exception!” It's unclear whether his sobs are real or not at this point. “Your mum loves me! Don’t do this to me!”

“Get off me, you stinky raccoon!”

The gym resonates with the squeaks of sixty-something shoes on its polished surface. The sound easily makes you squirm, hating that it screeches against your eardrums so violently. A chuckle is heard at the sight of the displeasure written on your face.

“Very annoying.” The honey-like voices your thoughts. “Would you like to borrow my headphones for a while?”

Instantly, you’re met with his popular gummy smile, the one that swoons everyone in your school. If people aren’t swooning over your best friend, they most probably are falling for the man who made himself comfortable next to the gym steps where you sat. His features are nothing like Sunwoo’s, softer and more approachable with the way his eyes sparkle even more with the help of the shine from above. Because this isn’t sport class, he wears his everyday uniform, his collar is properly presented and not a single speck of ramen soup makes its mark on the annoyingly white cotton. Even with the physical exercise he did, he still looks dashing and neat, wondering how his messy hair still looks attractive—but then again, men with messy hair have always captivated your heart. Jaemin’s kind personality is the final cherry on top and with how you usually have conversations like these when he’s benched or having a break, you’re certainly one of the girls who is attracted to him in no time. Your brown eyes travel further down his dazzling smile, to the black headset on his open palm.

A wave from Na Jaemin to your dazed face pulls you back to reality and you nod wordlessly to the question before. Like the gentleman he is, Jaemin doesn’t even ask you to turn to him but instead adjusts to your line of vision, slightly making the gap between the earpads bigger before resting the cushion perfectly for you. The way he did so was gentle, even tucking your hair strands behind your ear.

“Better?” Another wordless nod. Jaemin lets out an airy chuckle at your pursed lips, moving back beside you. “Here for Sunwoo?”

“And to kill time, I suppose.”

Your eyes wander back to the boy who’s working hard on the soccer field. It’s a usual routine for you to wait for his weekly soccer training so that you both can walk home together. Usually at this time, your nose would be buried in your textbooks, catching up on the work you missed due to the lack of sleep from the previous night. Usually, as well, the practice would be outdoors, the same squeaky sound being non-existent, the same one that ripped you out of your focus since the start of the practice round.

The whistle blares and the coach shouts at the team for a five-minute break. Sunwoo stops his jogging, hands on his knees as he leans to catch his breath while the rest of the team sends encouraging slaps on his back to their dear captain. Sunwoo sends a playful one back to their buttcheeks, the rowdy group enjoying the little gap before they have to get back in the zone. But this is when Sunwoo’s eyes fall upon his teammate and his best friend not too far away. His eyes soften at the way you just blink at Jaemin’s smile, betting that you’re not paying attention to a single thing that he’s saying. Unconsciously, he doesn’t realise how his hands clenched at the growing redness on your cheeks but Sunwoo doesn’t look away even when he walks to get his water bottle.

“Oh.” Eric teasingly remarks. “That’s not a good look, Sunwoo.”

“Shut up.” He mumbles back to his closest teammate. Even though he forces his back on you, he can’t help but steal obvious lovesick glances back.

“Jaemin said he’s going to ask your dearest bestie out on a date for Valentine's.”

Sunwoo tries his best not to let the comment get to him. “Well, she’s busy already.”

“With you?” Eric questions his trailing voice. “The guy she rejected?”

“Shut up!” Sunwoo groans to the boy, swinging his arm around his neck for a headlock. “You’re actually so annoying, Sohn. The whole cohort knows because of you!”

The poor boy begs for mercy, sending hits to his friend’s stomach. And Sunwoo does let go, poking his tongue out at the boy after. Overdramatically, Eric sends one back, calling mischievous names to the boy who is looking over to you once more. He couldn’t force himself to look away from the vital information that Eric said. Without knowing, his feet stride over to you both, finally catching the words from Jaemin’s moving lips.

“Can I take you out on Valentine’s Day? Are you free?”

Sunwoo sees the gears turning in your head and he pleads that you would reject the offer, pleading that you didn’t forget your words from last night. He’s looking forward to the day, especially when he researched a bunch of things that your brother likes, combining with the things you like to make sure the day will be well spent. But the breath he takes stops at his throat when you just continue to stare at Jaemin with wide eyes. Sunwoo might’ve imagined it, but he swears he could see the corner of your lips rising, your head probably thinking of a fun, romantic date with Jaemin.

It’s obvious to him even on the other side of the gym, that Cupid has shot his arrow.

“Yeah.”

The answer didn’t come from you, the response was too deep to be your timbre. The headphones did their job well, masking Sunwoo’s steps and leaving you confused by the clear and loud answer he gave. Excited at the confirmation of your empty schedule, Sunwoo’s heart churns at the way Jaemin excitedly holds your hands, turning your confused head tilt to him into another blushing one. Unfortunately, you were unable to say a word to any of the two boys, the coach beckoning everyone in the team over for the final part of their practice.

Faintly, you hear Jaemin saying that he’ll contact you and that you can return his headphones tomorrow in class. You just watch the way Jaemin hops back to the rest of the team while Sunwoo follows closely behind, his shoulders slightly slumping as he drags his feet to make that noise you hate.

The walk home isn’t as bad as you thought it would be. Sunwoo acts like the gym didn’t happen and you raise your eyebrows at his suspicious actions of him walking slightly in front of you even though he still talks about the parts of the day when you weren’t with him. With the slight gap, you observe the way his front bangs slump over his vision, covering his sullen eyes. The hands inside his pockets continue to tense and he tries his best to ignore the obvious crease between your eyebrows. He doesn’t even question the short answers you came up with in his storytelling. Even now as you arrive at your front door, Sunwoo doesn’t bring the topic up, choosing to send his usual smile and ‘see you tomorrow’.

But you refuse to let his actions go. “What was that all about back there?”

It puts Sunwoo’s feet rooted to the ground and he feigns an innocent look. “You know,” he starts now with a smirk on his face, “Na Jaemin could totally figure out that you have the biggest crush on him with the way you looked at him with those googly eyes of yours.”

“I do not have googly eyes when I look at Na Jaemin!”

“Sure, you don’t.” Rolling his eyes, “You were close to drolling over him back there.”

You could tell that he was just avoiding the subject and prolonging touching it until you just let it go. “Sunwoo.” The tone of your voice tells him that you're seriously looking for answers, “Why’d you say that back there? I thought we were babysitting my brother together?”

“It’s fine.” He swats his hand in the air. “You go have fun and I’ll look over the child myself.”

“But I—”

“Can you just stop complaining and go in? I’m tired from practice.” Sunwoo cuts you off, turning the doorknob and pushing you in with small strength. “See you tomorrow!”

He does close the door on your face, ignoring the inhale you take and walking away before you start rebutting his words. But with that, you also missed telling Sunwoo of your mum who stands leisurely behind him and when your mum greets him, Sunwoo gets the scare of his life, yelping and crouching to the floor, a hand over his chest.

“Serves him right for cutting me off twice.”

At this time, you didn’t realise the ache in your heart, too busy chuckling at his misery as your mum helped the poor boy before he disappeared out of your sight with multiple polite bows.

Now, Sunwoo is left to wallow in his stupidity. The devil in his head even shakes his head disapprovingly and the angel desperately tries to cheer him up, telling him that everything will be fine but it has no effect on the distraught boy. He lets out all the swear words that he knows, mumbling them to himself, criticising his past actions. A headache starts to form and he is unable to walk a straight line on the well-leveled road.

“You’re an idiot, Kim Sunwoo.”

He replays the earlier scene. The way your eyes fall on Jaemin fondly, the way all words seem to be lost when he speaks to you and the way you freeze when Jaemin holds your hand in his. His feet stop dragging on the stone when he spots an ice cream truck and the sweet fragrance of your favourite flavour. Even with small things like this, he thinks of you.

He observes the two friends who approach the vehicle, recognising the uniform as the same as the ones he has on. Judging by the satisfaction on the girl’s face and the complaints of the boy, Sunwoo assumes that the shorter one probably won a bet or something. His mind wanders to you once more, the dynamic of his two underclassmen similar to the one he shares with you.

More calm and accepting that he has probably lost you to Na Jaemin, if asked why he still chooses to stick with you after two rejections, Kim Sunwoo can.

The fastest and simple answer is that you don’t have a good schema for love. It was shattered the moment that you found out that your dad cheated on your mum four years ago. Your family fell apart shortly after your dad packed everything and left, leaving your mum alone as the sole parent when you were still trying to fully understand the world around you.

The rest of the world doesn't see how the separation affected you. However, Sunwoo was there during the times when you cried your eyes out, taking the frustrated punches on his chest, when you declared that you would never fall in love, scared of falling into the same fate as your mother especially when your dad has always voiced out that he loves his family and would always stay with them.

The world doesn't see how you hide behind his reassuring back whenever a male is too close for your liking. They don't see how you practically hold onto his arm with anxiety after a person confesses to you even though you're thankful that they look at you fondly. They don't see the fear in your eyes like Sunwoo has seen every single part of it.

When you would tease each other, like the time when he tackles you onto the bed, that's an exception. Sunwoo has always paid attention to your actions, both conscious and unconscious. He knows all about when you and when to keep his distance.

Thirty centimetres, sixty sometimes, and he would always wait for you to close the gap, stealing glances behind to make sure you were still following. Ninety-nine point nine per cent of the time, you would pick up your pace and Sunwoo would purposely slow down and the gap between the side of his arm and body would get bigger with each step you grow closer to him. When you clutch onto his arm again, he sends you that understanding gaze, mouthing a little 'hi' or 'hello' before facing forward again with newfound happiness.

The other point one is you asking if he could come back to stand beside you. But again, he would never ever touch you first and even when you arrive at your doorstep with no progress, Sunwoo would still look at you, reminding you of how proud he is and winks playfully to lift the corners of your lips before sending his 'see you tomorrow' still with happiness as his main aura.

It breaks Sunwoo’s heart whenever he sees you like that. That's the reason why he took his second confession back.

So when Kim Sunwoo, selfless and rooting for your genuine happiness, sees the different gaze that you send Na Jaemin, he can’t help but push his feelings aside. Plus, Na Jaemin is a good guy so he feels more reassured setting you up with the ace striker in the soccer team.

Cupid frowns down at the boy, his wings flapping sadly at the fake smile he puts on as he continues his walk home. It’s strange how he found himself sad for the dejected boy.

“Truly an idiot you are, Kim Sunwoo.”

Back home, you rewarded yourself with a warm shower. Though your physical body was able to let loose under the light sprinkles, your eyes couldn't help but mix in the metallic water with your salty ones. The water pressure manages to swallow most of your cries but the mirror doesn't lie when you see your red eyes after.

The gulp you took is painfully dry, tired from the tears from earlier. Your reach for the bathrobe is slow, letting the air cool touch your slightly red skin after the temperature. “At least he made it clear that he doesn't like me in that way.”

The knocks against the nearby room beckons a ‘Come in!’ from you and you quickly run the sides of your fingers on your eyebags as soon as you register the young boy from the mirror.

“Sis!” Dashing towards you, headbutting your back, “I heard Ddeonu hyung will be here tomorrow night!”

It's endearing to see how the news makes the little one jump, both his hands on your arm for support. A hand ruffles his already messy nest, “Be good tomorrow, okay?”

And the response morphs the smile upside down, “You’re not gonna be with us?”

Overloading with cuteness, you couldn't help but swivel around on your vanity chair towards your sibling, your hands pressing his cheeks, “With or without me, you're going to be with Sunwoo all day anyways!” Remembering all the times when he preferred to be in Sunwoo’s arms over yours, “Just don't make the poor raccoon run around too much, okay? He's getting old.”

“Does that mean he will fly to the cloud soon?”

“No, no.” Making a mental note to tell Sunwoo and imagining the way his jaw would drop at the wild question, “He's just old and tired now.”

Though confused at the repeated answer, the child seems to let it go, shrugging in satisfaction anyway at the plans for tomorrow. The smile upturned once more and you lift the boy much to his happiness, kicking his legs when you adjust his posture on your vanity table.

“Makeup!” He exclaimed about the objects around him, open palms to mimic a twinkling motion in the air.

“Makeup!” You echo, grabbing the cushion foundation. “Do you want to make me into a Princess?”

Obviously, he would not reject the offer, snatching the round object into his palm and patting the powder onto your neck.

“I'm going to make you the prettiest sister ever and raccoon hyung won't be able to take his eyes off you!”

Cupid shakes his head once more, his belly lying on the puffy cloud. He rests his chin on his palm, wondering how the similar-sized boy is more likable to him than the two blind adults—but it's obvious because he's not the stupid one.

“Well,” clicking his tongue on the roof of his mouth, “this one is an idiot too.”

Leading up to Valentine's Day, you thought at the very least you could spend the missed day with Sunwoo but he's more than adamant about pushing you to Jaemin. Whenever he saw a window of opportunity, he would call the boy over, a big waving motion from his hand in the air.

Whenever Jaemin spots you, every part of his face lights up and yours is supposed to reciprocate the stars in his eyes. But how could you even see it when all you see is the whole universe in Sunwoo’s ones instead?

The realisation that it has always been Sunwoo scares you and it terrifies you even more that the same boy who has always given his heart to you is making the gap between you both larger, further away, more and more within arms reach for your comfort. At first, it was confusion but then every part of your aching heart just longed for his presence beside yours once more.

Jaemin reminds you of the date one last time, the final text before you part ways at the school entrance is bolded, italicised and underlined. And Sunwoo? He intruded the house way earlier than everyone expected but judging from the open arms from your mother and the way you could hear your brother’s shrieking from the other side of the house, it's obvious that you’re the only one who’s dreading the early visitor.

Speaking of the visitor, your brother made himself comfortable by sitting on his neck, hands gripping his hair to make two little pigtails. Seeing Sunwoo fit right into your family from the very start has always been heartwarming and you would've told your brother to pull on two tails if you weren't busy avoiding his eyes from the mirror.

“Look!” Sunwoo gasps to your brother, finger pointing to you, “Your sister is so pretty, isn't she?”

And it became ten times harder to keep your tears from falling.

“Thanks.” You managed to seeth out from gritted teeth.

“Come on! You're going to be late.” Reminding you of the long hand of the clock reaching the top of the circle when Jaemin promised to pick you up. “Which bag are you using?”

It's heartbreaking to see him just walk past you after the compliment, whistling leisurely as he looks through the pile of bags on the side hook of your wardrobe. You found yourself looking down at your lap, trying to shake off the nervousness and anxiety in your mind. You try your best to focus on the tension of your gripping fists, letting go and repeating to ground yourself back. The tears are starting to blur your vision but you push the sleeves of your outerwear over your knuckles and smudge them away.

The way that Sunwoo still entertains your brother as he takes the body of the bag in your direction, humming intently to see if the colour of your outfit will clash with the accessory, brings your emotions to their peak and you just want to run away from this situation. He settles on one, a victorious exclamation falling from his lips and begins stuffing your necessities himself.

“Phone,” checking off the mental list, “keys and wallet.” Your brother pointing at the lone lipstick left at the centre of the painted surface, “Ah! This too!” Putting the closed cylinder inside the small purse before the metal zips and is carefully balanced on your shoulder.

Your thankful mutter didn't go unheard by Sunwoo and so did the tinge of makeup on the sleeve that you used when he looked away for a brief moment.

“Hey!” Sunwoo cranes his head to speak to the younger, curious eyes. “Why don't you go on ahead first and pick what ramen you want?”

The kicking of his heels against his chest made him wince a bit, quickly putting your younger brother where he dashes off with his favourite food.

Throughout the whole exchange, it once again confirms the fact that Sunwoo is truly loving to the people around him. The way that he tries not to disappoint your brother, even if there are probably bruises forming from his kicking, the way that he peels his head out to make sure your brother is taking careful steps to the kitchen and finally, the beaming but adoration in his eyes when he finally lands on the casual outfit you're wearing.

“Wow.” A breathless chuckle, head empty with the sight of you.

His cheeks flushed and he couldn't help but stare at your stunning choice of outfit—if hoodies and no makeup could make his heart jump out of his chest, then he should go to the hospital because of your off-the-shoulder white top paired with the beige pleated skirt and cardigan.

“Okay?” You ask timidly, “L-Like, do I look okay?”

“You're stunning.” He says truthfully that your body goes numb, looking away from the sparkles in his eyes.

Now, that's new. “Hey…” Taking steps towards you, “What's wrong?”

But your heart is fighting so hard that you feel like you're about to give up. If Sunwoo is going to reject you, then you just want him to do it so that you can forget about all this and just go back to pretending that you will never have heart-shaped eyes for Kim Sunwoo ever again.

“Y-You’re okay with this?” The leather of your bag crinkles at your gripping question.

“Yeah,” Sunwoo answers. “Don't worry. Jaemin is a great guy.”

Your eyes widen at the comment, “No, I-I know that bu—”

But Sunwoo suddenly zooms into your face, even bending his back to make sure that you wouldn't miss the pout on his handsome face. His eyes landed on your lip-touched makeup, “Wait, can I have your lipstick? Let me retouch it for you.”

You couldn't even refute, feeling the cooling pink painting your lips, contrasting the palm on your cheek that steadies the delicate work on your lips. Why did he bother asking if he was just going to retrieve it himself? You're thankful Sunwoo can't multitask, missing the glimmer in your orbs as you try your best to keep your lips from shaking like your legs are slowly becoming. It’s clear that he didn’t know how to properly manoeuver the brush on your lips but you find yourself forgiving him even if your lips become a mess after this.

The defeated groans from his lips only made your heart swell and you take your time to look at him as if you’ve never done so before; from his eyelashes that flutter prettily, to his tongue that pokes out in concentration, it’s crazy how handsome someone can be when he's not doing anything special. The pads of his finger spread the colour, smacking his lips as a sign for you to copy which you eventually do.

“Done!” And just when your heart thought it could finally get a break, Sunwoo decides to play with it a bit more, fishing out a snap hair clip. His hands smooth any bumps that aren’t visible to the naked eye. A hand holds the side of your head gently, the other sliding the gift across your scalp carefully. “Alright, now let’s go!”

Your tears are so incredibly close to flowing but the lights of your room die like every hope of telling Sunwoo that you’re not as excited as he is for the night to come. But if this is Sunwoo’s way of completely rejecting any romantic feelings for you, then what can you do except to trudge down your hallway where even your brother wishes that you would have a fun time? The smile on your lips doesn’t reach your eyes when both boys remind you not to come home late in addition to Sunwoo’s “Text or call me if you need anything!”

You spare a final glance at the two, sombre smile plastered on your face. The last face you see is Sunwoo’s whose eyes still held on a smile even though yours has been wiped away. Maybe it was supposed to encourage you or maybe it’s nothing and you’re just reading too deep into it but if there’s one thing you know is that the night with Jaemin, even though he is a well-mannered man, a gentleman inside and out, your head couldn’t help but wish that it was Sunwoo who took you to the arcade, making sure your arms are filled with snacks and drinks.

You wished that after that, no one was there to pull your chair out, instead laughing at the way you almost tripped on air while trying to sit down. You wished that you could’ve just stared at the menu in contemplation and for Sunwoo to just choose for you so that he could silence the growling in his stomach.

Cursing the famous day as well, seeing the love around you, the couples enamoured by their partners all around you, it only made the guilt inside grow further.

By the time the night is spent, Jaemin knows that his feelings aren't reciprocated. First, it's the way you ask him to repeat his words multiple times. Second, it's the way that your eyes are blank, just your orbs staring into space. Third, it's the way that you try to discreetly check your smartwatch for notifications from your best friend at your home.

“I'm sorry.” Jaemin chuckles in response after he softly calls you out.

The boy shakes his head, hands inside his pants pockets. “I knew that you didn't like me. I guess I just wanted a chance to maybe change that once.” But then he sighs an understanding sigh, closing his eyes before fluttering them back at you, “but you're too far gone into your feelings to realise what I've been doing.”

Your eyes welled up with tears, apologetic at his words and Jaemin couldn't do much but give words of comfort after you explicitly stumbled away from his reaching hand, asking for physical space. You mutter a million apologies for today but Jaemin is respectful, convincing you that the friendship between you both won't change and that eases your mind.

“Should I text Sunwoo?” He carefully asks. “To pick you up.”

A shake of your head is what had Jaemin’s eyebrow furrowing. “It’s okay. I’ll text him right now.”

And though your makeup is a mess, transferring onto the sleeves of your cardigan more, Jaemin still thinks you're stunning, the clenching of his heart intensifying at the glitter you still managed to hold. Jaemin leaves you alone in a convenience store near your favourite beach and somehow, you manage to convince him to go on ahead first, leaving your thoughts alone in the night of love.

Your feet routinely take you along the beachside, taking shelter at the convenience store for a while, grabbing drinks and food to aid your broken heart. When you crouch for the bottle at the bottom shelf, your mind just has to remind you that someone wouldn't even let you do this, always protecting you from any wardrobe malfunction.

Your knees finally give out and the back of your thighs meet with the back of your lower leg. Your hands only clutche on the neck of the green bottle while you hide your distressed face behind the curtains that your hair made.

Thinking of it all infuriates you.

Why can't you just be more trusting towards others? Believe that not all of them are out to ridicule or make fun of you.

“Sunwoo…” You couldn't help but mumble as your tears finally painted your beige skirt darker.

Thankfully you were able to keep your emotions somewhat at bay, straightening your posture with the cooling drink in one hold. The cashier could only offer you an encouraging speech and an empathetic smile as soon as she saw the trail on your cheeks. The gesture is needed but the anxiety still weighs on your chest deeply. She must've thought that you've gone through a huge breakup on this unfortunate pinky day but you think the internal agony is worse.

For the last few hours or so, Sunwoo has been updating you with your baby brother through pictures. If only the pictures were just about the younger one and not a duo picture that once again shows that Sunwoo is a keeper when it comes to babysitting. The device is stashed in the bag that he chose from you earlier but if you could, you could honestly feed it to the sharks on the beach in front of you.

The wind provided you company, hitting your red apple-coloured cheeks to balance your rising temperature. You knew you shouldn't drink alone especially when the moon was high in the sky but you couldn't help but bask in the tide that hit the sand, pulling everything back into the body of water.

The tips of your toes are drenched and you would usually be running further away as soon as water hit your ankles but you didn't want to. It’s times like these that you’re thankful for the invention of safety shorts as you're able to sit in any posture you like without worrying. Your knees constantly bend and straighten, dragging the sand along with it and at this point, you've created a shallow hole.

“I mean,” you slur, “I’m so comfortable with Sunwoo so why can't I be the same with the others?” your eyes could only shut in self-contempt from today’s date, “And Jaemin was so respectful to me too…”

It’s frustrating that you can't trust others when they've done nothing wrong. The only thing that responded to the strike down your cheek was the last drop of liquid courage; now even objects have started mocking you.

“I have to stop relying on him,” a hiccup and a humourless laugh. “When he gets a girlfriend…” the thought cracks your heart into pieces and your knee grows closer to your chest, “Gosh, what am I doing?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

The deep voice and a couple of deep breaths made you turn back so quickly that you fell over sideways. The boy momentarily scolds you even more, grumbling, pointing at your ruined shoes tossed aside in the sand and exhaling whilst turning his head away to catch a break from the soaked ends of your outerwear. When the worry envelops him again, Sunwoo takes a better look at your state.

His tongue clicks against the roof of his mouth loudly and the crease between his eyebrows only deepens each time his eye focuses to another part of your face.

“Did you drink?! Alone?! I told you not to drink without me!”

His initial volume made you jump a bit, especially with how he directly circles behind you to pick up the discarded, lonely bottle. Sunwoo's nagging continues, crouching beside you to your eye level with the bottle making tunes from the wind. The pout answers him, along with the way your fingers fiddle on the hem of your sleeves. You had no intention of voicing out the answer now that he knows so you just say something else.

“You actually came…”

The ‘something else’ did make his ramble stop and his intense features started to soften and melt away when your words hit him.

“Of course, I came.” Reassurance above the whispering wind, “You texted me.”

Your lips couldn't even gape open with a response because Sunwoo takes a couple of steps back, away from you. Though his body is still facing yours with his shoes pointing at you and arms around his knees, the safe distance is what makes your head hurt at the many things you could say to him.

“Did you put him to sleep?” You opted for this conversation instead.

Sunwoo’s nods just got in your peripheral vision, but your nod is the centre of his.

You let the wind break you even more, not even raising your hand to move the strands that became trapped between your lower and upper eyelids, tickling your eyes when it finally is freed. Without a doubt, you know that Sunwoo is just watching you patiently, waiting for you to tell him to drop you home or to at least talk about the night whether it be his or yours. Your nervous system couldn't help but relax in his presence.

Inside, Sunwoo wants something from you too. An indication to move further and to close the thirty-centimetre gap he has created. Just anything so that he could finally leave the coldness that nips at his trembling skin. His bangs brushes over his sight but he still has a clear view of you. The side of his head only rests on his arm as he just stares at you, humming a tune that hopefully reaches you.

“Woo.”

“Hm?”

“Do you like someone?”

A series of stuttering and unsure hums came from him. Your knees push against your chest hard, burying your head between them. Soon enough, you're convinced that the pressure is what kept your heart together after the affirmative answer.

“I…” Here goes nothing, “was supposed to be with her today and maybe ask her out officially but she had other plans and so did I.”

“Oh.” You didn't know if he heard it. You kind of wished he didn't because of how sore your throat suddenly feels. “I’m sorry, I should've been the one to take care of my brother inste—”

“She was busy too,” Sunwoo repeated, words clearer and punctuated. “It doesn't matt—”

“Will I be able to trust anyone again?”

“W-Wha—”

“Will someone ever love me the same way that you love her?”

The thoughts haunt you every night when you're asleep and now that you finally share it with someone, you lose yourself in the alcohol and blurt out the impulsive thoughts.

“W-Whoa.” Sunwoo nervously chuckles. “Did the date really go that ba—”

“Do I know her?”

“Ye—”

“Tell me. Let me make sure she's a good person.”

The only response you get is a low groan and sigh; both from Sunwoo and the guardian Cupid above you both. The moonlight twinkles the curve of the forgotten bottle but it reminds Sunwoo that you're not in your right state of mind and that you're just pressing to get the thoughts out of your head rather than truly looking for answers.

For the first time, Sunwoo took action, dusting his clothes from the damp sand. You merely watch with half-hooded eyes as he strides against the swallowing sand, your head slowly turning from the side to the front where he settles himself. Sunwoo gives you a soft tug of the corner of his lips and his dancing bangs only make him all the more attractive. He tests the waters, holding his hand out to reach yours, permission to touch you through his gaze. When you nod, he doesn't hesitate to share his body warmth starting from his bigger palms, relieved at how you seem to let out a breath that you have been holding.

“Deep breaths, bubs.”

The nickname makes you swoon and makes his instructions unclear. Though the pounding on the side of your head makes it hard for you to morph Sunwoo’s clone together, the name managed to at least get your attention. With this, he didn’t mind the way his clothes drank the seawater when he kneeled, even dragging his fabric across the surface. Sunwoo responds with a jut of his lower lip when you just shoot him a glare but your act disappears when he opens his arms wide. Without any further hesitation, your forehead rests on his chest. One of his hands cups the curve of your waist and the other threads through your silky hair. The act makes your body shudder and you find your arms start to hold his middle even tighter when he collects your hair and tosses it over to a side, his palm now covering your whole nape.

“You’re alright.” Sunwoo muses. His diverts to yours and maybe you’re just imagining the adoration dripping from his eyes but you couldn’t help to speak a bit of your mind.

“You're doing it again…”

“Doing what?”

You didn't give him a verbal answer, the shake of your head and the whines you gave were enough for him to just embrace you into his presence. Sunwoo hides you from the world when he sees the tears brimming across the eyes that he’s fallen for. Daring, he presses a kiss on the top of your head, smiling fondly at your more balanced breathing.

“Let’s go home?” The shake of your head made Sunwoo rake for more ideas. “Wanna have a sleepover at my house then?”

“No.” Muffled answer from his chest. “You’re just going to make me sleep on the floor.”

“Hey! You lost the bet last time! Don’t blame your skill issue with rock-paper-scissors on me!”

“Fine then! I’ll just stay here for the rest of the night!”

Oh, he's so in love with you. Sunwoo only coos, his heart fluttering and content when you respond to the playful war that he wages.

“I’ll let you take the bed.” A raised eyebrow is what you offer him with when you crane your head and Sunwoo could tell the suspicion that you had against his words. “I’m serious!”

“Really?”

A roll of his eyes and a scoff, “As if I’ll let you take the floor knowing that you’ll be hungover tomorrow.”

“Well,” a shaky inhale, “you could.”

“Yeah?” This time it’s his turn to have an eyebrow raised. “Why would I do that?”

“Because when you go off and date someone, you won’t be able to keep doing whatever this is.”

“Yeah?” He repeats himself, desperate for a little bit more of your feelings. At least let me down properly, he thinks to himself. “And what happens if I don’t want to put my focus on someone else? What happens if I just want to keep focusing on you? What happens if I just want you in my life and no one else?”

Now, Sunwoo’s hands grip a hold on your upper forearm and pull you away from his body. The moonlight finally reaches your face and Sunwoo observes you thinking, his eyes boring into yours, silently pleading for some sort of indication that would end the pink and red swirls in his eyes whenever he catches even a glimpse of your figure.

“Then I would tell you that I like you and that I have for the longest time.”

Are drunken thoughts still sober thoughts in this situation?

Sunwoo’s head dips dangerously close and it takes everything in him to not press his lips onto yours. If you even allowed any words that imply that he may have taken your heart, he told himself he would look away even if it meant burying himself into the ground and never seeing civilisation ever again. The struggle is written all over his face: the tight wrinkles around his eyes that accommodate the crashing of his eyebrows, the protective hold he has on you and the way he presses his forehead onto yours with his hair tickling you, quiet exhales leaving his lips.

“Please don’t do this to me,” he pleads, “You’re drunk and I’m trying to not cross the line.”

“Cross it…” Mellow and enchanting. “I give you my consent.”

“Don’t.” He grits and tries to still his heart. “I can't…”

“Kiss me, Woo.”

Sunwoo swore that his heart almost leapt out of his chest when his eyes shot open, immediately growing bigger with how you nudged the tip of your nose to his. His temperature receptors feel the shift of the warmer air growing closer to his lips and he can’t help but focus on the way your eyelids flutter close.

The attraction is fatal and so is the small distance left. Unconsciously, even though it’s wrong, he couldn’t help but adjust his position, wanting to claim you as his even if it’s just for a while. Just when your lips are mere millimetres away from touching, Sunwoo denies the touch of heaven, the angel inside gets his hands to fly and block the intimate act with his fingers. A hand cups your cheek, tracing along your jawline and a thumb slots in between your plump lips from reaching his. His breath hitches when you peek at the smooth surface, void of the curves that you were expecting. He watches the stars fade from your eyes, replacing them with a wall that he couldn’t decipher.

Through his eyelashes that flutter quietly and the painful gulp, he prompts you once again, “Let’s go home.” More resolute and grounded than before. “We can talk about this tomorrow.”

The thumb did leave the presence on your cupid’s bow but lingers at your lip’s bottom edge. Sunwoo watches as your lips bounce back after he lightly pulls it down and he sees the dullness from your eyes with every single second that passes. He shoves his sleeves past his fingertips, wrapping the grey around his pointer and starts to collect your confusion on his sleeves.

“I-I’m sorry.”

He could tell it was genuine and he assumed that you might’ve sobered up a little bit within the last couple of seconds. Sunwoo met your forehead once again with his thumb that still held you like you were as fragile as the glass bottle that had been discarded.

“Please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going to leave you. Don’t even bother to think of those things ever again.” He reassures your muddled-up mind. “I’m going to pick you up, okay?”

Between your hazy vision and the churning of your stomach, the only indication you could give is a nod and outstretched arms towards his now-standing figure. Sunwoo adoringly chuckles, bending down and supporting your weight by scooping you up by your waist. He kept your body close to his even when he turned around and kneeled, patting his back for you to slump over.

Out of energy, your arms lazily dangled during the walk, elbows resting on his shoulders during the whole walk. Truth be told, his back aches because you couldn’t get a proper grip on him but he knows as soon as he straightens his back to a more comfortable position, you might actually hit your head and wake up in the hospital. The walk back to his car is quiet, chattering filling the background noise. If you’re awake, you can feel the shaking of his thighs as he carefully rests you on the cushioned seat, an arm coming over his head onto the back of yours as a safety measure from the upper door frame. Without a single sound from you, he successfully buckles you securely in the front seat. Your coat is gently undressed from you to be used to cover your legs, the short skirt only makes you shiver in the night.

“Why do cars always sound so loud?”

Sunwoo complains when he twists the car key to start the engine. His eyes fall to you again, observing your sleeping figure who is unaware of the little jumps and loops his heart made. His pointer reaches over to the loose strands that tickle the front of your face. From the back of your ear, he holds his breath at your slightly gaped lips that pull him closer, drawing him nearer to share a kiss with you. Why did you have to look so stunning despite the reeking alcohol that only becomes stronger in the small space?

Though faint, his reflection from the front window stares at him and he can’t help but sink further into the seat, wanting to hide and run away from himself. “Will you ever look at me the same way?” he grumbles hopelessly into the palms that shield him from reality before driving towards his house.

The exhaustion from the eventful day finally washes over him as soon as he parks his car in one go. Usually, you would give an impressed look and Sunwoo would wiggle his eyebrows when you only scoff at his achievements. The connecting door to his house opens, throwing his things inside the hallway without much thought before jogging back to your side. His eyes narrow, concentrating on making as minimal noises as he can whilst opening the metal surface that separates you and him. A hand pushes on the door while the other does the contrasting action with the handle to avoid the loud click that vehicles make. Thankfully your head isn’t resting on the door, something that he made sure didn’t happen so that you could rest in his house without the bumps of the road lifting your head and slamming it back down due to ruthless gravity.

And as much as Cupid’s curly blonde hair is between all the sides of his fingers, he mastered the art of patience and ‘trusting the process’ as he took a series of deep inhales.

Throughout the whole time, Cupid is impressed at how blind you both prove to be. It’s obvious now as he pays attention to the way Sunwoo treats you and the way that you desperately clutch on his jacket that you both are more than best friends. He ponders if he should shoot another arrow even though the initial one he shot is showing progress.

In this line of work, where he’s used to shooting, and observing for a while before going to another potential couple, he seems to be stuck with the couple in front of him. Up until now, he has never thought to shoot the second arrow that is reserved for a couple that makes him look away distastefully. He’s never met one that makes him take them out of their trance as it’s obvious it became more bad than good for them but what he’s twirling in his hand is not that.

But he starts to think about his decisions whenever you're hurting because of the world and he starts to think of the shatter in Sunwoo’s heart whenever he's around you.

Is it worth it to have you both come together?

“But you know,” the arrow stops between his pointer and thumb, the crest hitting the perimeter of the stationary cloud. Cupid continues to peer over the two, finding himself squealing with the way Sunwoo continues to make teasing jokes to make sure you don’t fall asleep behind the bathroom door while brushing your teeth and changing into your favourite hoodie of his. “I don’t think shooting one towards these two will do much.”

He smiles knowingly, completely immersed in the way that Sunwoo hops over to cradle your head into his chest as soon as you open the door. Your mind is still under the scorching forty percent but you didn't miss the way Sunwoo’s fingers rub on your exposed thigh when he brings you to his bed bridal style.

And if he shoots another arrow?

Oh, Cupid knows that you’re both more than just teenagers in love. Especially in your case, terrified, and for Sunwoo who just wants to see you happy—another arrow means nothing if you both don’t learn and figure out this obstacle yourselves.

With Sunwoo’s help, you’re snugged underneath his blanket, pulling it up to your nose, just the way you like it. The laundry detergent brings you rest, and your brain immediately relaxes as it associates the scent with safety. Your body rests on its side and you watch Sunwoo as he takes a kneeling position on the side of his bed, taking his hand to yours while his other forearm rests on the bouncy futon. The act makes his heartbeat increase once more. “Sunwoo.” The boy only keeps his affectionate eyes on yours while he strokes your hair. “Thank you for picking me up.”

The brushes of his thumb on the back of your palm could lull you to sleep. “Can I sleep on the living room couch today then?” Mischievously suggesting, knowing how much you would complain about leaving you alone in the room for the whole night.

The question makes you pout awake again, “You’re going to leave me?” Maybe you weren’t up for the joke and Sunwoo smiles sadly, clearing his throat and shaking his head assuringly.

“I’m just joking with you.” An airy laugh seeped out from his lips. “I’ll sleep on the floor.” Pointing at the unoccupied space behind him. “Don’t worry.”

“Or you can sleep next to me…”

Cupid feels the tension in the air after your suggestion. He propels the bed of clouds, flying closer to have a better view of you two. He’s so invested in the way Sunwoo softly looks at you that the shake of his head after some thinking makes him scream once more, burying his face into the white puff of air.

“Why not?” You scooted against his bed, making space to prove your point that the bed was big enough for you both. “It’s not like we’ve never done it before…”

“I know.” Sunwoo stands from his kneeling position but you refuse to let go of his hand. Instead, your hands slide up from his wrist to entangle them between his fingers. “Bubs…”

“I’m scared.” That’s all it took for Sunwoo’s knees to hit the floor again, coming closer to you. “What if I do manage to fall in love but then I just get hurt?”

“Then he’ll deal with me.” It elicits a whimper from you and your vision suddenly blurs once more. The tears brim up more when Sunwoo’s hand cups to rest against the apple of your cheeks with his knuckles, brushing in a circular motion. “Love them, it’s okay.”

The pressure you’re exerting on his fingers makes him furrow his eyebrows. “You’re okay with that?”

“If he makes you happy then I’m okay with that, yes. If he is the one that will make you believe in love again, then yes.” And his shoulders shrug, not as a way to say that he doesn’t care about your feelings because he does—everyone how much he cares for you. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Then make me happy.”

There it is again.

The implication that makes his eyes dart his focus from your heavy eyelids to the small gap between your lips. It travels down to your joined hands that lay next to your plump lips. He loves it. The sight of your hands, intertwining beautifully between his and the way that you’re holding him close to you as if his presence is a gift—if only he knew how much you treasure him.

“Get some sleep okay?” Ignoring it once more by throwing his eyes to his lap.

By some miracle, Sunwoo manages to break free from your hands but not before he wipes away the leftover final drops from your doe eyes. He didn’t completely leave your side just yet though. Sunwoo just sinks his right forearm on the edge of his bed, his left on top before resting his chin later on. His eyes blinked and he held the momentary darkness for a few seconds longer before opening them again. You understand, nodding defeatedly. With Sunwoo looking over you, admiring you even though he’s much more exhausted after running around your house with an energetic child, you were able to finally slumber off to sleep. He only thought about standing when heard your drowsy breathing becoming soft snores. Even then, his hand snakes behind your nape and under all your strands, pulling your luscious locks up to hang over his pillow and leaving the cold air to cool your exposed skin.

“I love you.”

And that’s when Cupid made up his mind.

The first thing that greets you when the flock of birds chirps too loudly for your liking is the gutting feeling of wanting to run down to the toilet bowl and empty the contents of your stomach. The second thing that hits you is the desert down your throat, your hand blindly rummaging on the bedside table to find the familiar shape of your water bottle. The third thing that hits you is the remnants of a tight non-existent band that wraps around your head.

It’s all a good potion to remind yourself never to drink so much liquor in such a short period.

But the fourth thing that hits you as you rise to a sitting position, thumb and pointer running up horizontally across your eyebrows, is the familiar room that isn’t yours. It takes you a while to notice but you recognise the one familiar arcade teddy bear on the very unorganised study table on the opposite of the room. The picture framed your scowl while the owner of the room held his phone up, tongue sticking out to the camera with the little peace sign above your head.

“Shit…how the heck did I get here?” Your bed hair becomes a bird's nest in a matter of seconds. “Wait so last night I went to the convenience store,” tracing your steps carefully, “drank at the beach…” but a blank after that, “Sunwoo must've picked me up.” The dread hits at the name you just spoke, “I’m not ready to face him!”

The blanket is ripped out from your lower body, and the drop in temperature sends goosebumps all over your body. Quite simply, you're embodying the term of waking up on the wrong side of the bed without its metaphorical meaning.

There was no point in peeking through the slit between the door and the frame of Sunwoo’s bedroom because you knew directly on the other side is a wall with framed pictures of the family who resides there. You ready yourself with an inhale through your nose, preparing a bunch of words despite the still evident headache before exhaling through your mouth.

The smell of batter and vanilla becomes more evident as soon as your hand creaks the door open. It excites you knowing that your favourite breakfast isn't too far away from reach. The smile that you gave though, reminds you of the pressing matters when it strikes pain through the veins on the side of your head.

Your exclamation to the feeling is what rips Sunwoo out of his daydream, turning around to see you tiptoeing not too far behind him like a thief.

“You're awake.”

Beside him, a tower of the perfectly circular cooked batter is stacked in five, maple syrup around the rim of the treat as it drops down naturally onto the rest of its friends below. You could tell that he probably timed each side with how uniform the colours of each side were. Sunwoo hasn't picked up the panic behind your eyes, setting the plate on the island between you both.

“Take this first.” He pops the white pill from its aluminium seal and reaches for the full glass of water he prepared earlier from the fridge.

Sunwoo didn't know that his proud smile would fall as quickly as you almost did when you stepped back. His feet rooted themselves to the slippery wood underneath, his eyes widening even though you managed to grab hold of the backrest of the couch next to you.

“Are you alri—”

“I should take my leave now.” You rushed to say, “My mum must be wondering where I am.”

“I told her last night, don't worry.”

Right. Just like all the times he has done whenever you fell asleep on his shoulder while watching anime with him.

“Eat something first and I'll drop you home.” His head tilted to the alluring warm cakes on the table.

The perfect cylinder on his hand would have slipped from his sweaty palms with how you shake your head in the slightest. Now he's picking up something. Do you remember the events from last night? No, you've always been a forgetful one and he would help you remember by setting up cues and would always have his camera facing you to record the horror creeping up your face.

Whatever it is, he felt the need to take the lead first, especially with how you're avoiding even looking his way and sitting down on the board of the furniture from before, your hands gripping the polyester beside your body. He's not too far away from you, maybe a metre apart but he's feeling anxious with the air himself, turning away from you momentarily.

You hear the exhausted exhale from your best friend and that made you scared to even look his way. The rim of the glass hits the marbled top. “I'm not going to do anything to you, you know?”

“Of course I know…” Keeping your emotions at bay.

“Then?”

Cupid raised both his eyebrows, hoping that you would be able to find the courage to rightfully confront Sunwoo for the feelings in your heart. His hands clamp together, lacing together as he rests his forehead on the knuckle of his thumb, silently encouraging the growth of the couple in front of him.

“I know that it’s my fault too that I didn’t speak up about the date with Jaemin. I should’ve been more honest to him first and foremost because he’s done nothing but nice to me and yes! The date was really nice and he was a gentleman like you said Sunwoo but,” the implications of the last word wipes the proud smile that he had, lips pursed to a thin line, “I wish that you didn’t put me on the spot especially when you know that I’m scared of being around men.”

There was no audible answer that he could truly give you. What you said is true and he hates that he projected to hide his feelings for you in the worst possible way. He left you alone at night, in the hands of someone that he can’t fully tell your mother honestly that he knows. The shake of his head is slow but harsh and with a glance, you could hear the cogs turning inside the distraught boy’s head.

“I’m sorry.” Wavering in fear.

“Please don’t be.” He responds. “I’m sorry.”

Despite shutting his eyes, Sunwoo feels the looming shadow that falls over his slumped figure against the tabletop. His hands join together, a loud clap making you jump a little bit at the force of his thoughts. You watch as his hands drain the blood flow, slowly making his fist white. And though your chest hurts from the anxiety running through your veins, you decided that it was best for you to clear the awkward air.

What you did is beyond anyone’s imagination but it felt right as compared to last night—as compared to all those times two years ago. Your fingers cradle the underside of Sunwoo’s jawline, separating his chin from his chest and angle his shocked face to yours. Sunwoo would’ve genuinely run away usually, maybe even letting out one of those screeches that would leave you scolding him for the pounding of your eardrums, but something else is pounding in both of your chests and it’s syncing with each other for the first time.

You move little by little, your toes slowly moving in so that you can stand between his slightly open legs until the sides of your knees are between his. Slowly, the anterior side of his forearms starts to lift from the surface behind him, testing the waters to hold you in his arms by ghosting his already encircled arm around your middle. When you nod, Sunwoo finds himself tightening the hold immediately, pulling you into the crook of his neck while your fingers thread on the loose white of his fabric. His fingers widen their reach, wanting to feel your figure on a wider surface area.

“I’m in love with you.”

It’s such a simple line.

It wasn’t extravagant nor was it unique or poetic, yet you find yourself wanting to record it so that you could play it back whenever and wherever.

“I know you’re scared.” He affirms to your growing whimpers. “But I want to continue to love you if you’ll let me.”

Now it’s official. There was no buildup to the streams down your cheeks but you still let yourself indulge in the pent-up frustration over your lack of trust for the boy who is holding you like you’re the most precious thing in the whole world.

“If our friendship is going to end and you'll never look my way ever again, then at least please let me hold you a little bit longer.”

You wish you could at least have enough strength to throw some punches on his chest but you’re breathless in both the way your throat begs for air and in the way Sunwoo nudges the tip of his nose to a sensitive part of your neck. The same area grows colder without any effort and it takes you less than a second to realise that Sunwoo is crying himself.

“Why are you crying?” You ask as best as you can through your tears.

“Because you’re crying.” He simply answers. “It hurts me that you’ve gone through so much.” Sunwoo’s lips shudder, taking in small breaths himself. “But I’m really proud of you.”

“You say that all the time.”

Sunwoo chuckles, acknowledging the times he did say it. “And I’ll never get tired of saying it.”

Cupid relaxes his shoulders when you both slightly pull away, tender eyes looking upon each other with a wide grin appearing on you both but he could tell you both are trying your best to not look away, wanting to live in the love that the other shared in the moment. He was about to flap his wings, thinking that it was enough eavesdropping for today but you quickly pressed a light pucker to Sunwoo’s left cheek. Then to his right. Then to his philtrum. He couldn’t help but cover his eyes at your daring act but what made him push back further to the corner of the room to give you space were your words.

“Cross the line, Sunwoo.”

Sunwoo grips your waist, groaning against your lips and he’s momentarily still until you swipe the crease forming on his forehead and whisper a variation of assuring words. That’s all it takes for Sunwoo to finally close the gap between you both. It’s no longer a metre, sixty or thirty centimetres, not with the way his hands roam all over your body, needing more confirmation that you’re the one kissing him. His hands slide from your waist, gently to cup both of your bottoms, pushing you up closer to him. It elicits a soft gasp from you but Sunwoo pulls on your bottom lip to connect you back to him. Your dazed eyes met his dark ones and he took this time to swipe his wet muscle across the teeth mark to soothe the pain.

Feverish for affection, your zooms towards his lips once more, locking the plumper ones between yours before pulling away with a soft hum and engulfing the other one to give it the same amount of love. Sunwoo’s heart melts at the way you lightly tug on his scalp, the other hand sliding down along his nape and resting your palm on his collarbone. What makes him crazy is the vertical swipes that you give on his defined collarbones. He parts the kiss, pushing himself off the edge of the table and lifts you there, trapping your body with his palm on either side of your body.

“Bubs.”

“You okay?”

“More than okay.” Sunwoo chuckles, devouring your lips once more. “Can I kiss you somewhere else?” As soon as the confirmation is given, a warm hand wraps on the back of your neck and Sunwoo starts to alternate the pressure from his open mouth on the side of your neck, starting to mark you his.

The black strands of his hair swallow every part of your gripping hold on him but he smirks against your skin with the little pretty sounds dripping from your lips.

“S-Sunwoo.” Realising now that he’s painting you on a visible area. “My mum and brother are going to see.”

It’s not that you’re embarrassed by him—never him—you’re just shy at the new colour that he places on you, completely unfazed by what others think.

Possessive Kim Sunwoo—you could live with that.

“Can I pull the hoodie down a bit then?” Sunwoo pants against your skin, rough and slightly out of breath. “Only if you want it.” And he made sure you’re comfortable with whatever it’s going to be with how he wipes the forming sweat on your upper spine.

You spent what it feels like a minute holding his gaze to you. “I trust you.”

And he’s back to creating a masterpiece on your skin. Three of his fingers hook on the neckline and expose the body part that he wants to place his hungry lips on next. He watches the way your collarbones become more visible when you deeply inhale and he waits for your next breath patiently. When it does come, you slightly throw your head back at the pleasure of his soft nimbles. Sunwoo didn’t even want to spend a second away from you, his hand pushing on your lower back to press him up against you more. Your mewls are what motivate him more, pushing him just a bit more to finish the work in progress that he has in his head, pivoting his lower lip to a different angle and pressing the final press on you.

You release a breath you didn’t even know you held and Sunwoo frowns at the way you limp your upper body onto him, arms around his shoulder for support.

“S-Sorry, I didn’t mean to do it that hard.”

Your hair ruffles against his when you shake your head. “Don’t be, I enjoyed it.”

Again, the room is filled with light chuckles once more, your dangling legs kicking the air at the shared moment together. Slowly but surely, the sweat evaporates from your face but your blush is still very evident. But before you become too shy and run away once again, you respond to his words that made you both cry in each other’s safety.

“I love you too, Kim Sunwoo.” Sunwoo’s hand that has been running up and down your back stops, wondering if he heard the right words. You turn to the vein on his neck, kissing along the line until the shell of his ear. “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

Sunwoo’s heart combusted at that and he only buries his heating face into your shoulder, making you giggle even more. His whole body is on cloud nine and he’s truly the luckiest person in the world to receive such words from you.

“I want to look at you.” He says before pulling away once more, hands planted next to your thighs once more.

Sunwoo’s slender fingers tucked your strands behind your ears, squishing your cheeks in between and said a relay of sweet nothings. Even though his eye smile is mostly on you, occasional glances were being stolen somewhere else. Knowingly, your finger pulls the cloth down and you watch the shift of mischievousness start to leave.

“Is it pretty?”

The adjective is an understatement. Of course, he wanted to say ‘yes’ because it’s his art that he’s proud of. He's the one who put the distinct heart shape there, his teeth mark slowly fading on the tip of the heart where he pivoted before and the remnants of him still slightly shine on your skin thanks to the overhanging light.

“You’re prettier.” Quickly stealing a peck from your lips to silence your shy complaints. “Be mine?”

“Valentine’s Day passed, Woo.”

“Be mine for life then.”

Oh, Kim Sunwoo really does have a way with his words.

“Plus, I’m glad that we didn’t become official yesterday.” Shrugging when you tilt your head, still with that cute smile of yours. “Now we don’t have to spend our Anniversary and Valentine’s Day on the same day. More mandatory days to spend with you.”

A light shove on his chest is what you respond with but your other hand already had a grip on the lower hem of his shirt. Sunwoo almost stumbled when you pulled him back, enveloping your lips with his.

“Thank you for never giving up on me,” Hands cradling your jaw, yours doing the same and you make sure your feelings are known, “I love you so much.”

“I love you more.”

Guess Cupid changed his arrow’s trajectory much to Sunwoo’s content.

Or maybe, it’s not really his doing after all.

Truth is, Cupid never shot an arrow in Kim Sunwoo’s way.

In reality, Cupid actually shot his chance to Na Jaemin and him only—but even he has made a wrong guess. The trust and hope that you and Sunwoo share are unmatched compared to the lovesick eyes that he has matched people with.

“A love that’s greater than my powers…” Though defeated and his self-confidence took a bit of a downfall, how truly upset can he be when he sees you and Sunwoo just embracing each other, body to body, close and loving each other just the way you both are?

He’s glad of his decision to shoot that second arrow to the other boy after you both fell asleep last night.

“Now that’s a mistake that I can live with.”

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 'especially to you...' tags (send a dm/ask if you would like to be here!): @deoboyznet 📢❤️ @k-labels 💙🤍 @k-films 🤎🎞️ @kflixnet 📺🍿@heemingyu @cupidjyu

[diah-the-demon]

so this day has been a complete fucking shit show, might aswell just post what has happened all of today

so i got up at 2pm cause im tired af from my medical condition, didnt leave the bed till 3pm. staggered down the stairs because my legs hurt like hell, have had to lean/push my self against a wall to stay upright and not fall over for the past few weeks

did get a message from my best friend and we talked for about half an hour which helped my kinda depressive mood from yesterday

parents want me to do my online school work because ive been off for 2 weeks due to said leg pain, get overwhelmed by anxiety just from opening the assignments even tho it wasnt much, closed the tab and decide to do it later.

at around 4pm i eat for the first time that day, just a simple ham sandwich with some crisps. still feel kinda hungry but decide to not eat anything more since my weight is just a major point in my anxiety attacks rn and dont wanna further that.

get an anxiety attack at around like 6ish that lasts like an hour or so while also feeling kinda nauseous (also feeling nauseous at time of writing so thats great).

decided to help my mum cook something to get my mind off things, we making sweet potato and chicken thighs been a while but some good food, so i put the sweet potato in the oven for an hour and prepare the chicken for pan frying when potatoes are almost done

fucked up the sweet potatoes cause i turned the heat up too high and they came out looking charred, the chicken was fine tho atleast, didnt really eat much of it anyways.

ask my mother if there was any news about my therapist and when i will finally fucking get an appointment, no news at all which just brought me down a bit more, kinda physically brought me down too cause my knees were about to give out again.

(ive been working on this post for 30 full minutes, il try and keep it short and finish this quickly)

anyways, dysphoria hit me like a frieght train when i had to change clothes cause i spilled water on my self cause i saw all my fucking body hair, plus the anxiety attack about my weight.

more shit in-between this and my knees giving out on the stairs causing my head to make a nice thwamp against the wooden staircase railing but i dont have the energy to go into much more

if your still reading, congratulations you know that my day has been complete shit. have fun with that knowledge

[bradfordarchive]

clicks my fingers to no humanly discernible rhythm as i strut bk onto the dash w chara number two!! (it’s me nai bk again bt this time wearing a stick on moustache). bradley’s pinterest is HERE n u kno the drill mre abt her under the cut n like this fr those Sweet Sweet plots!!

MARGARET QUALLEY / CIS-FEMALE — don’t look now, but is that bradley milligan i see? the 23 year old psychology student is in their junior year and she is a rochester alum. i hear they can be brave, resilient, destructive and ruthless, so maybe keep that in mind. i bet she will make a name for themselves living in off campus. ( nai. 23. gmt. she/her. )

aesthetics: singeing a hole in your fishnets with the cherry of a menthol, spitting a pistachio behind the bar just to hear it ping off the nozzle top bottles, lemon in a fresh cut, a war torn poppy standing alone in an empty field, poking bruises, stomping over flowerbeds when there’s a path right next to it, dangling over ledges just to feel your chest jolt, a snarling rottweiler that should be muzzled, limp feet poking out behind a door, ‘I PROMISE I DON’T BITE’ scrawled on a name tag, slapping a bald head in front of you at the cinema like it’s a bongo, not owning a single jacket that isn’t stolen, driving a stolen car in the wrong lane against the traffic, blowing coke in someone’s face after asking “hey, does this smell funny to you?”, hair more feral than a wolf cub and eyes smudgier than a coal mine.  

BACKGROUND:

father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday

he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story.

they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess.

anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards

she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

CUT TO!!!! huntington beach. she’s currently living in a spacious loft above a rly busy bar tht i picture like. p close to campus so a lot of students prob frequent it?? she loves it bc she can sit on the window sill smoking n argue w ppl tht walk past drunk. jst randomly callin out like. nice chest hair Loser. i feel like she hasn’t even paid fr wifi she jst uses the bar’s free one n like. goes in there expecting free drinks all the time?? is jst like erm? i live here? let me drink? this is my house? aka she’s. a lot.

her dad’s opening up a new strip club (also called no angels bc he’s trying to lowkey make it like a chain) n he’s only allowed her to make the move bc she’s overseeing it kind of???? as well as a few guys tht worked fr him back in queens. one in particular called billy hs made the move n he’s a menace so. three cheers fr anarchy!

PERSONALITY:

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality

speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!

dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content

she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: fishnets, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops and whiskey

dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home

PLOTS:

someone tht got a job at the new strip club her dad opened up in town?? either as a dancer or bartender or whtever. just a forewarning it’s probably gna b a pretty..... seedy and Not That Pleasant environment bc it’s like. a crime hotspot inevitably bc it’s a gang hangout so. ur chara wld truly be in fr a rollercoaster ride to say the least

she deals coke fr her dad’s gang bt it’s more like. a hobby than a steady source of income tht she Needs bc she just likes the thrill of the fact tht encounters in tht line of work can turn sour tbh. a Thrill Seeker! mayb she deals to ur muse??

anyone….. she’s brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever…. ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[fuck-me-up-buttercups-blog]

The "Hellish" 8th Grade School Trip to D.C.

When I was in Middle School, we had a trip to Washington D.C. at the end of 8th grade. To say the least the trip was utter and complete chaos.)

When we showed up to the airport, we were told to not talk about bomb threats or bombs in general. We were 8th graders, they put this in our heads before we could have and as should be expected we went against this. So before we had even gotten past security there was around 40 or so 12-14 year olds running around yelping out "Allahu Akbar" so they wouldn't get caught.

After we got through security we had to wait an hour or so for the airplane to ready up(idk what to call it). There's usually a gift shop in the airport, there was in this one at least, and we did what any hooligans would have. My friends, (MB), (CJ), (MT), and I all go at it. (CJ) has been looking at the shot glasses for a solid 12 minutes and is scaring the employees. (MB) and I have asked (MT) to distract the other employees, she does so without question because she knew what we were going to do. So then (MB) and I began to drift toward the condoms, and as we were the kleptomaniacs of the group we stole like 3 packs of rocket-shaped condoms. REMEMBER THIS, IT COMES INTO PLAY LATER.

So we board the plane and (AM), (MT), (CJ), and I are all sitting in a pretty close proximity to one another. We all noticed that there was little bottle of alcohol(cheap vodka and whatnot) so throughout the rest of the plane ride we tried to yoink it off the cart. (CJ) was able to yoink what we all thought was a beer off of it, turned out to be ginger ale. We were all somewhat disappointed with our lack of skills. That was the only real event that happened on the ride there tbh.

Then we we're just supposed to get out suitcases and GTFO of the airport and onto the bus. Reasonable right? WRONG! Rather than follow the game plan, everyone grabbed their luggage and ran to the bathrooms. There was around 6 stalls in the girls room, so just imagine this, around 20 8th graders are stripping down and changing in the bathrooms. All the sinks are occupied by 8th grade girls applying skincare, sunscreen, and makeup in that order. Needless to say that bathroom smelt like perfume when we were done with it.

NOTE:KEEP IN MIND THE CONDOMS FOR THIS BIT

We were all boarding the school bus that was going to drive us up and down the east coast...AND THEN THEY GAVE US ORANGE JUICE, and an apple or something. Now instead of drinking the fucking orange juice, (MB) fills a condom full of it and before I knew it there was A FUCKING CONDOM FULL OF ORANGE JUICE BEING THROWN AROUND THE DAMN BUS. It eventually popped on some poor kid, what happened to the next condom was some kid jacked off into it in the bus's bathroom,(NC). He's a creep. We have no idea what happened to the last one, and quite frankly I don't want to know. It gets worse though; (CJ), (MT), (AM), and I decided to make prank calls on (CJ)'s phone. He told me to pick and unknown number or something, so I did. I began flirting with whoever was on the line and she suddenly responded with, "(CJ) I know this is you, I'm (L)'s mom. (CJ) grabs the phone and apologies profusely before hanging up. What makes this worse is that (L) was on the trip with us. (CJ) had a shit eating grin when he yelled across the bus that I was flirting with him mom...he LOOKED FUCKING MORTIFIED...I couldn't stop fucking laughing for the life of me.

We all eventually took us to get checked into our hotel rooms, while doing so I had snagged a bag of popcorn frome the lobby so my girls and I could pig out. I stole popcorn, hoping to watch a wholesome Disney movie or something like that, BUT NO I WAS FORCED TO WATCH FRICKIN TWILIGHT.

The next morning we all ate from the hotel's buffet....little did we know the hotel buffet breakfasts were going to be the only edible thing THEY WOULD GIVE US!? I don't remember much about the random landmarks and shizzz.

I do remember the food tho, they gave you the option of chicken(that looked like it came out of a tuna can), some sort of greens(pees? spinach? Probably string beens), And Mac and cheese(it was like they made it and let it sit for a week before serving). For most of the trip my friends and I were FAMISHED, OK LIKE SERIOUSLY IN NEED OF NUTRITION. Two of my friends (CJ) and (JM) didn't eat for 3 of the 5 days after the first couple of meals...if they could even be concerned that.

I remember that in a Pennsylvanian(?) gift shop, I stole a key chain. From Pennsylvania we were on our bus trip back to the airport. On the way there we stopped for another meal from hell, most of us were refusing to eat. I began making a cocktail of Tabasco, pepper, salt, orange juice, and something else I don't quite remember. I told my friend whoever downed it would get a 20. (CJ) did so willingly, said his tongue burnt like a mother Fucker(I'd say most if not all of it was Tabasco sauce) the whole ride back. He got his 20$ tho, respect that shit. He's my niece and he always will be.

When we were getting to the airport, we were all hungry and tired. I bought(AM) some pizza, she ran out of cash earlier in the trip. I bought myself one too. We boarded the plane peacefully (exhausted).

After we got off the plane and headed back to our school to be picked up, I figured out that the kid who jerked off into a condom, (NC), had done something really fucked up to my niece, my lovely niece, (CJ). He was really fucked up, he got (CJ) to cry so once we were on the bus I glared him down for the whole ride. Once we got off the bus to get picked up, I manhandled the guy, told him to "stay the fuck away from (CJ) or I'll fuck you up." I made sure to stay quite and calm, make it look casual, either way he was horrified. I reported him later in the week.

Once I was picked up, I could rest assured that I could eat, and sleep, and go out whenever I wanted again. I was free from the hellish hot summer school trip...

[brvdleysaved]

ok first off b4 i say anythin else dnt...... judge bradley’s blog rn i dnt get my laptop bk until wednesday so i am? stranded in a photoshopless land. it’s very tragic. anyway. and scene! je suis... nai oh me..... bk again w probably my fav muse of all time so let us! leap right in! p.s. her pinterest is here

CIS FEMALE — ever hear people say BRADLEY MILLIGAN looks a lot like MARGARET QUALLEY? I think SHE is about 24, so it doesn’t really work. The PSYCHOLOGY major is a SENIOR that is from QUEENS, NY. They can be +ADVENTUROUS, but they can also be -ABRASIVE. I think BRADLEY might be SHEEP. They are living in OFF CAMPUS BUT AFFILIATED WITH BALTA. ( nai. 22. gmt. she/her. )

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of spiced rum, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday

he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story. they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess. anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards

she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

honestly. im probably missing a million things bc i kind of feel like a microwaved shrimp as i write this bt. basically her life is jst the worst a true… abomination! bc im evil like tht sometimes

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality

speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!

dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content

personality wise she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus/town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: fishnets, stealing cars, water guns and whiskey

dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home

in terms of Plots

hm. mayb someone tht knows her frm home/queens??? like tht frequents no angels (her dad’s strip club) or picks up frm there or smthn

i feel like she probably deals coke bt its like. Select Dealing. like she doesn’t need....2 do it fr income or anythin she jst. gets bored n is like cool may as well mke some money n possibly get robbed ig! anythin fr the thrill! 

anyone..... shes brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever.... ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she....... Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[serkonans]

i would legit love to know ur answer to all of those dnd questions tbh

so many gfsljgf thank you antonia i love ask memesputting #13 up here for the anon who requested it and the rest below the cut!13. Introduce your current party.I currently DM a few games! School is hectic and I don’t get to play very often but all the characters are GoodI have one group campaign titled “When the River Bleeds Red” (which is probably news to you, Antonia, and everyone else who plays, idt I ever mentioned that slkfjglfskj) that has a blacksmith (half-elven cleric, @the-idiot-who-stood-still​) named Brigitte Faestrum, a pumpkin farmer (halfling druid, @beesgnees​) named Cathal Headrig, a former stage performer (fire genasi sorcerer, @merrigold​) named Emelia Sparks, and a former mercenary (gnome fighter, @jacqmutiny​) named Nyx!I also DM one-on-one campaigns for @merrigold​ (who plays an aasimar druid named senua tasked with undertaking journeys on behalf of the gods in “The Glacial Erratic”) and @fictitiousbees​ (who plays a kenku wizard named scribbles called to the service of a high dragon in “Luck of the Draw”)Everything else below the cut!

1. A favorite character you have played.

I’ve only played two characters! One was Carran Warset, who is my Son and like the bulk of the reason I know I’m trans, and one was Chim from your one-on-one campaign. I rly like both of them tbh but Carran is my child gkjlsfgjs

2. Your favorite character that someone else has played.

Excluding anything I’ve DMed, Sivarna by @pluviance!

3. Your favorite side quest.

In the group campaign we played in together, there was one session that idr if you were able to be there for but we like,,, went into a forest and bought a really ugly belt from a stoner for zero plot reasons and I count it as a side quest in my heart

4. Your current campaign.

Well, you know everything about all my current campaigns that you’re allowed to know rn, but for anyone who might be reading who isn’t in them:

The group campaign is being used as scapegoats in the brutal murder of an ambassador’s daughter and is fleeing a city through secret tunnels -- we last left off at Cathal becoming a giant badger and burrowing upward

In the solo campaign with Senua, she’s attempting to deliver a large, magical object from the goddess of earth deep inside a mountain, and she’s facing down a basilisk with three NPCs

And in the solo campaign with Scribbles, he’s just played a card game that was really more of an interrogation, where he found out a high dragon has taken interest in him, and he is, in unrelated news, taking a package to the local apothecary

5. Favorite NPC.

Of someone else’s, I love Lucy from the Chim campaign!

Of mine, I will never stop loving Mr. Kretever Tatell. Kret is a goddamn idiot but he’s my goddamn idiot

6. Favorite death (monster, player character, NPC, etc).

Carran once killed an evil poison merchant by seducing her in an enemy king’s bedroom and stabbing her when he went in for the kiss gkfsljgfsj. Then he and Sivarna wound up hiding with her corpse under a bed discussing the concept of threesomes in whispers while the king wandered around his room. Not as like, a possibility. Just because the topic came up

7. Your favorite downtime activity.

S,,,hop,,,,,,, money tiem $

8. Your favorite fight/encounter.

I liked the fight where I balanced the combat correctly lkgsflkjskljg, the one with guards in the tunnels

9. Your favorite thing about D&D.

Storytelling!

10. Your favorite enemy and the enemy you hate the most.

Homebrew enemies are coolest imo but hard to balance; the giant gemstone ant I had you fight would’ve been my favorite if it’d been able to get more than like two attacks in gskjgksj

And insect swarms are very annoying to fight

11. How often do you play and how often would you ideally like to play?

How often I play is whenever every single one of the stars align and ideally I would play like every other day fksjglskfjg

12. Your in game inside jokes/memes/catchphrases and where they came from.

God the current ones haven’t gone long enough for those yet really and I’m blanking on most from the group player campaign

I do remember Carran was 1000% convinced basil was poison at one point and his pet rat killed an evil, powerful sorcerer by chewing his ear

14. Introduce any other parties you have played in or DM-ed.

Just the group player campaign with Carran, which didn’t get to the heavy plot stuff before it ended tbh, and then the solo one you ran with Chim in what was rly a Very cool world concept of like hellish Las Vegas that I’d like to steal at some point

And then you ofc know this but for anyone reading who doesn’t, I’m going DM a maybe-oneshot, maybe-a few more than oneshot post-apocalyptic campaign for you and @fictitiousbees​, set in a world that’s been destroyed by fast growing invasive fungi which is like. only The sexiest apocalypse scenario

15. Do you have snacks during game times?

Yes, religiously. Game time snack time

16. Do you play online or in person? Which do you prefer?

I’ve never played in person other than a single test game for new players! I prefer online tho; you can look things up and type if you’re shy

17. What are some house rules that your group has?

I have a rule about only two players being able to try the same sort of check, but that’s it for us so far that I can think of

18. Does your party keep any pets?

Not yet! Cathal has a way with animals though

19. Do you or your party have any dice superstitions?

I Do

20. How did you get into D&D? How long have you been playing?

I got into it bc Critical Role made it look super super fun, and I’ve been playing off and on for two years now

21. Have you ever regretted something your character has done?

I’ve regretted everything any character I’ve controlled has done I think that’s just dnd

Realistically tho, big yes for a lot of what Carran did, most notably snooping on another player character who had cast Alarm on her room

22. What color was your first dragon?

Haven’t had one yet!

23. Do you use premade modules or original campaigns?

100% original babey

24. How much planning/preparation do you do for a game?

3% planning 97% “oh fuck I need to have an idea Now” babey

For DMs

25. What have your players done that you never could have planned for?

Everything, it’s why I never know what I’m doing

I never expected Cathal to become a large badger and dig out of the underground, how do you prepare for someone to, in all seriousness, tell you they’re going to become a badger and scrabble to the surface

26. What was your favorite scene to write and show your characters.

I really tend to enjoy the one-on-one scenes; I think my favorite was having you roll that insane wild magic surge and detailing What Happened At The Theatre

27. Do you allow homebrew content?

Yes if it can go in DND Beyond

28. How often do you use NPCs in a party?

In group campaigns, not often, although we have two with us right now. In solo campaigns, if you want combat you’re getting an NPC party, at least for a bit

29. Do you prefer RP heavy sessions or combat sessions?

Personally I love RP heavy sessions; combat is fun but I crave Story

30. Are your players diplomatic or murder hobos?

I think mostly diplomatic with a dash of murder hobo

For Players

31. What is your favorite class? Favorite race?

I’m so so so boring but I love humans gksfjgsk

Humans, elves, and half-elves are my favorite

And then I Would Die For Every Rogue, it’s hands down my favorite class

32. What role do you like to play the most? (Tank/healer/etc?)

Rogue role

Lemme stealth and steal and stab

33. How do you write your backstory, or do you even write a backstory?

For Carran it was,, A Whole Process

I came up with a basic idea, then journaled as him several times and wrote and rewrote until I had what felt Right, and then I kept toying with it and adding more details throughout the campaign -- I love playing and would really like to again but the obsession with expanding upon his story made me realize I need the freedom of worldbuilding that goes along with DMing; I don’t think I could be a player without DMing a separate campaign bc I just try to take over

34. Do you tend pick weapons/spells for being useful or for flavor?

Both!

35. How much roleplay do you like to do?

So much, I usually use old acting techniques and get fully into character

thank you again antonia!!! these were fun

[nyfacurrent]

Business of Art | Neurodivergent Artists Build Community

“My advice would be to look for each other and look after each other—be generous and share skills.” - Sonia Boué

Imagine a time when neurodiversity is integrated into the art world’s everyday vocabulary. Is this a new concept for you? Neurodiversity stipulates that neurological differences are to be recognized and respected as any other human variation. Increasingly, more and more people—and artists—identify as neurodivergent, or as individuals who diverge from the dominant societal standards of “normal” neurocognitive functioning. These differences can include Dyslexia, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Autistic Spectrum, and others.

Now imagine an average event or opportunity for artists. This may be a networking event that features unstructured conversations, or an open call for funding that requires you to prove a strong network of support. For neurodivergent artists, these ubiquitous realities can present many challenges that often go unseen.

As a way of acknowledging barriers to access and offering solutions, we’ve invited Sonia Boué to share her experiences and recommendations. Boué is a visual multiform autistic artist and a prolific blogger on autism and art. Read her writings here, and visit her website to learn more about her practice. Since being diagnosed as autistic in 2016, Boué created WEBworks, a network and mentoring project funded by Arts Council England based on her own experiences and research. Boué designs projects, mentors, provides training, and consults for arts organizations with the goal of creating opportunity for neurodivergent artists.  

Says Boué: “I love my work because it is really varied and I get to work with some seriously talented neurodivergent creatives. Working with organizations is also fascinating and rewarding when you get to see thinking evolve.” Read Boué’s advice for neurodivergent and introverted artists below, as well as arts administrators.

NYFA: You’ve talked about “network ableism” and its impact on you in your quest to fund your projects. Can you tell us more? How do you define ableism in this context? 

Sonia Boué (SB): Network ableism in my experience is the assumption that social privilege (ability) is a baseline we all have access to if and when we want it. Because most opportunity in the arts involves some networking, this is a serious access issue for us. 

We can’t all summon up a smile and waltz into a room—and there can be many very good reasons why not, some of which may be neurological. For example, dyspraxia, which affects motor coordination and sometimes speech, can make these situations hard to navigate. We may not recognize faces or be able to remember names.

There’s a lot of shaming around not being "socially able” so it takes courage to say it. Decades of not showing up can mean that you don’t understand how conventional networks function. I had to unpick a lot of this to learn how to write a funding bid. 

Social assumption also runs through the kind of Arts Council England funding bid I needed to make for my project. Your idea may be brilliant but unless you can find partners to back you (network klaxon!) you will not succeed.

NYFA: You’ve written that when you encounter an ableist comment, you think, “this person needs training – and I (and all my autistic colleagues) hold much of the missing knowledge.” How can institutions work to welcome and incorporate this knowledge? 

SB: It’s a brilliant question, and this issue is in the room always. Institutions just aren’t seeing it because of the social stigma involved. So first I think it needs to go on the agenda. Staff will also be autistic, neurodivergent, or introverted. 

Then it’s important to invite us in to your organization formally. We are consultants, speakers, and trainers. My view is that we should be paid for our work which is incredibly valuable to arts organizations as we are authentic voices. 

But it takes more than a training day! Building trust with community is also very important for any organization; ultimately it’s about relationships. Consider commissioning a review of marketing and events from neurodivergent perspectives. 

You can tell a lot about an organization from their use of language. Knowing who you are talking to and getting your message right are an absolute must. Delivering value to community is also essential. 

NYFA: Do you have thoughts on how organizations that emphasize in-person events can make them more welcoming to neurodivergent artists? 

SB: If you mean networking events, this is a bit like asking a wheelchair user whether they are sure they wouldn’t like to try the stairs just in case! But here are things which can help with in-person events. 

Personally, I need people on the inside who know me well, and access to the door. Environment matters greatly; is your building accessible for those with sensory sensitivity? Will your event be noisy, involve crowds, and involve mainly unstructured chats? Tell us! 

Information is the name of the game. I advise always publishing clear and detailed information giving a sensory menu for neurodivergent attendees so they can plan for what to expect from the event in terms of challenge. 

It’s the genuine thoughtfulness and attention to detail that counts in the welcome. Providing lots of options is also vital. Is there a quiet room with soft furnishing and dim lights, or outdoor spaces? Are there specific structured elements? 

Finally, the offer has to be right. If the event holds no interest, I’m not coming. Look into programming with a consultant from the community. 

NYFA: Are there resources or voices that you’d especially recommend to arts administrators looking to learn more? 

SB: Essentially we are talking about a culture shift in our understanding that humans are neurodiverse beings. Often I’ve found that the adaptations that suit neurodivergent people can benefit us all. This is about increasing options and thinking about individuality.

I recommend these neurodivergent thinkers, bloggers, creatives, and resources:

Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism

Autism and Expectations: De-Mystifying Autism 

Dan Holloway, Rogue Interrobang

Katherine May 

Sonja Zelić

Kruse on adaptations to environments

Dr. Kate Fox  

Dr. Damian Milton

Jon Adams

I don’t particularly recommend sourcing resources from disability arts organizations that aren’t neurodivergent-led. My experience is that the thinking is often not there yet, despite some best efforts. 

Personally, I like to be very specific and stick to what I know. I wouldn’t try to advocate for other groups and always try to remember that within neurodivergent groups, there’s probably greater diversity than in the general population. 

NYFA: Many artists, for a variety of reasons, feel the typical networking advice is unhelpful or exclusionary. And we ourselves have given this advice! Let’s reframe the conversation: what is some more inclusive and effective networking advice that organizations and artists can begin to share with each other? 

SB: I think it’s worth unpicking what some of the difficulties are in quite some detail, as I began to hint earlier. Networking can be hellish if you can’t process language in real-time speed, for example. So this needs an honest and open two-directional approach. 

Have you ever been in a room with someone and texted them? I’m sure most of us have. Text slows things right down, and, you can use emojis! Result! Often we’re critical of using technology when we’re face-to-face, but if this could be an adaption, why not? 

It’s an exciting time to be breaking through the barriers to invisible disability. What holds us back is often social censure, which is ultimately ableist. Organizations could lead the way in creating a new trend. 

If we think about modalities, this is also helpful. How many ways of being in a room and communicating can you think of? I also love the ‘gateway friend’ idea: a known, trusted person who can enable you to get in to a venue and out again. 

But we need to understand adaptations to in-person networking are limited in effectiveness because—wash, rinse, repeat—we have to keep it up which is exhausting. Or it just doesn’t work for us. This knowledge puts the onus on change. 

NYFA: What are your favorite means of networking online? 

SB: Blogging, blogging, blogging! This has been the most effective tool in my entire armory. I also love Twitter. I began with a Facebook artists’ page many years ago, then progressed to a professional platform with the wonderful a-n Blogs.

My Wordpress blog has been my most significant online site, far outstripping any other. I’m also warming to Instagram as a more visual platform but have been slower to take it on. I think it’s hard to work across platforms but probably essential. 

NYFA: Can you tell us how WEBworks, an autistic-led peer support and mentoring group, came to be? How could this kind of group be replicated by autistic and neurodivergent creatives elsewhere? 

SB: WEBworks is unique due to the individuals who’ve formed it. It may provide a transferable model but we can’t yet know that, I feel. It developed from my Arts Council England research into autistic project leadership. 

I happened on a mentoring model through my own need to understand the ‘neurotypical’ workplace and then found other artists like me who needed support. Genuine enablement through supported opportunities and specific adaptations are a powerful combination we use. 

I now know this to be a responsive and relational approach and will be writing about it in more detail for my Arts Council England project evaluations. I hope to publish some of our findings next year. 

NYFA: What are your favorite resources for neurodivergent artists looking to build community or navigate the art world? 

SB: There’s no substitute for trawling the internet and I’ve built my entire community by sharing work and spending untold hours in online research. Social media platforms can be game-changing for us, though of course we need ‘realtime' contacts too. 

Often virtual and realtime contact overlaps as relationships deepen. I think the usefulness of contacts and resources could be quite specific in each case. My advice would be to look for each other and look after each other—be generous and share skills. 

Even neurodivergent networks can seem distant and closed from the outside. The most effective antidote to professional isolation is to send powerful smoke signals online, from which you can seek out more local neurodivergent contacts. We’re growing in number as we discover identity 

Being safe online is an issue I’d like to mention. We can all be taken advantage of, so I would also counsel caution. Take things slowly and allow genuine connection and trust to build up. 

Regarding the art world, in the United Kingdom I recommend the wonderfully inclusive online artists network a-n Blogs, whose support has been exceptional including publishing articles about this topic! 

Viewing fantastic online art content when you can’t get to many shows provides inspiration and learning. I love to watch the Tate Modern YouTube channel, and I do follow many wonderful U.K. and international artists on Twitter and Instagram, which helps me keep in touch, 

But I feel it is vital that neurodivergent artists don’t get dispirited or compare themselves to more neurotypical artists so I watch the scene with a dispassionate eye. I’m interested in building from within and remaining authentic which includes valuing the unique qualities of our neurological status.

NYFA: What has mentorship meant for you, both as a mentee and a mentor?  

SB: Trust is at the heart of the mentor/mentee relationship, and it’s a real joy, not to say privilege. I believe such support in an art practice is underrated. We are supposed to know how to navigate an uncertain profession solo.

For myself it has led to professional progression where, despite some early breaks, the complexities of the art world would have thrown me entirely. In many ways it’s about lending experience and gently steering.

Mentoring is a fascinating process because you learn as much as your mentee in many ways. It has allowed me to deepen my understanding of neurodivergent challenge in the arts. 

NYFA: You’ve credited successes in your career in part to your “own autistic methods.” Do you have any thoughts on how artists can not only accept their individual differences, but celebrate them? 

SB: I really feel we have to embrace a ‘not broken’ philosophy. Some of the artists I work with have acquired huge reservoirs of self-doubt and even despair. Our first job is to realign some of this thinking. 

Sometimes it’s my job to sustain hope and provide consistency. Our sensory challenges and issues with executive function can make a practice feel fragmentary until we begin to piece it all together. 

The worry that you can never ‘finish’ a piece of work can be quelled if you understand that the process is what interests you most and you can begin to value this. Transformation from ‘failure’ to a more performative practice can take place. 

How we frame our creative lives to ourselves really matters. Reconnecting to the source of our creativity—our brains—as valid and useful is incredibly empowering. 

- Interview Conducted by Mirielle Clifford, Program Officer, Online Resources

Sonia Boué is an Anglo-Spanish visual artist based in the U.K. She holds degrees in History of Art (BA, Sussex University), and in Applied Social Psychology (MSc, Oxford University). She is also a trained Art Therapist (Sheffield Hallam University). This background informs her research-based multiform art practice, which focuses on themes of exile and displacement, with a particular interest in the Spanish Civil War.

Inspired by the NYFA Source Hotline, #ArtistHotline is an initiative dedicated to creating an ongoing online conversation around the professional side of artistic practice. Our goal is to help artists discover the resources needed, online and off, to develop sustainable careers.

This initiative is supported by the Emily Hall Tremaine Foundation.

Images, from top: Derek Fordjour (Fellow in Painting ’18); Angelina Gualdoni (Fellow in Painting ’08,’15)

[tumblunni]

M A X I M U M C O Z E

Morning update from the bonn! You guys will be happy to know i slept great and feel so much happier! I actually managed to sleep thru the whole night from 6pm to 10am the next morning. Still feel a lil groggy cos i mean one good nigt's sleep doesnt cure a whole three weeks of bad sleeping patterns. But maaaan i feel so much more good in the brain and soul. Fell asleep in my clothes tho cos i didnt unpack the pyjamas yet, lol!

Ok plans for today is just to unpack and be happ and try and get back to a good mental state. It was so damn surreal and sad when i got to visit here for a few hours last week and it was like i barely recognized it and i still couldbt caln down cos i new it was only a temporary visit home. And my brain was still kinda stuck that way yesterday, i couldnt believe i was really here and really got to stay here again. Emotional numbness to prepare for imminant sads, i guess. But waking up in my maximum coze bed with my dumb beautiful collection of cuddly plush pokemons has really helped me believe its all real, yknow?

ANYWAY! plans for today!

Might not actually do all of these today cos yeah take it easy and become the happyness again and get some more sleep yeah yeah. But this is what i need to do this week yeah!

Unpack the big ol pile of suitcases! Just pretend its like unwrapping birthday presents! Really big cumbersome ones that dont contain any presents!

Pack everything back away where it belongs uuuuugh tiresome

Un-hide the computer, tv, etc. Basically gotta move all the furniture in every room cos i was paranoid and wanted to hide every valuable thibg in the place a hypothetical burglar woukdnt look (under the bed etc)

Hook up the pc again and transfer all the stuff back over from the laptop. I feel bad that i spent so much money on Big Chonk Laptop and hardly even used it cos i wimped out after three weeks...

Cleaning! Cos not everythibg stayed frozen in time, alas. Gotta (ugh) wash out the stinky moss from the fridge and freezer. I got all the food out before i turned them off, but there must have been crumbs somewhere.

Do all the dishes i didnt have time to do before i left. Lol im surprised that didnt get moldy! Seriously its like half of my kitchen covered in dishes cos i was rushing to clean and pack everything and thats just what got left til last.

Introduce new build a bear workshop plushie alolan vulpix to the rest of plushie kingdom. His name is bubblegum! Im sure i shall always look at him and have fond memories of how i conquered this hellish experience.

Hopefully at some point today the internet repairman will call, so i have to deal with that. Atleast being scared of bigger things helped me become less scared of talking on the phone, lol!

GET FOOD. GET FOOD FOR BONN.

Generally go out and walk around le neighbourhood also because I MISSED EVEN THE LAMEST SCARIEST PARTS OF THIS PLACE! But lol that means i need to unpack my shoes and binder first, i wish i could remember where i put them but i was just kinda flailing wildly in a GET HOME AS SOON AS POSSIBLE trance

Put some credit on the electric bill stick thingy. Could maybe manage to put 5 quid on the heating one too cos seriously the weather keeps flipping between hot and cold and im sure actual winter is gonna start soon.

But make sure to still GET FOOD FOR BUNN! consume sustinance upon this fine morn. Aaaa i only have 15 quid tho but i can get basic Bread n Juice and i just have to wait til friday now.

Actually ehh dont get the heating. Cos the minimum credit is 5 quid and i could use that for foods. Heating is a friday thing! I have all my cool hats to cover up my greasy hair if i dont have a shower for a few days, lol

Go see the new library finally aaaa!!! I hope it was worth the wait!!!

DO LETS PLAYS! or just some kind of recording somethingy! Ive missed being able to even do that, cos i mean no privacy in the hospital and stuff. And again, less scared of that right now cos im still riding the wave inbetween a bigger fear and being safe from that big fear, yknow? Perfect time to try and practise all the social anxiety stuffs! Iwas thinking fibally do that dramatic reading of the bootleg kingdom hearts thing, or that years old accent meme or something

Be happy at a well spent day of good privacy and being myselfness, and have a good sleep again. Woo!

So yeh those are PLANS and for now im gonna go scour the cupboards for the slightest food related thing cos i need to take my meds with food. Then maybe finish off the last of that energy drink just so i can shake off the sickly sleep deprivation funk and go out to the shops while the weather is still good. By the power of scarier bigger things, i am conquer my fear of basic shops sociality!! (..probably)

[kenjkats]

HEYY because I have no self-restraint JakeXMC for numbers 1-23, 38, And 41? THANKS LOVE!!♥️

YOOOO ES3 ON THE HORIZON I AM HYPED FOR MY MANS JAKE THANKS FOR THE ASK

LOL I GET IT THO it’s JAKE. MCKENZIE. Who has the restraint???

Note: Using F!MC and default name Taylor. And these get specific so I might use personality/backstory HCs especially for MC

1. How do they fall asleep? Wake up? Any daily rituals?

They’re quite cuddly. Even if they didn’t go to sleep in each other’s arms they often wake up to find that Taylor is resting against Jake’s shoulder and he has that arm wrapped around her. Waking up varies, either very lazy mornings filled with groaning and “five more minutes”, one of them stretching and smacking the other in the face. Or, groping each other half asleep that devolves into sex. I don’t make the rules.

2. How’s their team work? Do they share well?

GREAT. They got through a bunch of hellish life and death situations on La Huerta, their daily team work is a piece of cake. Although they argue over whose turn it is to do a certain chore.

3. Are they open about their relationship? How do they feel about public displays of affection?

VERY OPEN. Jake McKenzie doesn’t give A F*CK. If he wants to kiss Taylor, he’s gonna kiss Taylor. And she doesn’t mind at alllll. A big lesson from the island is you gotta live in the here and now and say you love the ones you love when you can. Everyone hates them a little for it. Lots of eye rolling and groaning and, “Seriously? Do you have to do that HERE?”

4. First impression of each other? Was it love at first sight?

Not love, but they were attracted to each other right away. Taylor saw this pilot sleeping in the cockpit with his feet up and thought he was lazy, snarky, but cute. Jake definitely noticed her when he laid eyes on her, masking it with jokes and nicknames, of course.

5. Nicknames? Pet names? Any in-jokes?

6. Any tasks that are always left to one person?

They kinda settled into the routine of Taylor cooking and Jake doing dishes. Some sort of similar agreement goes for most of their other chores.

7. What annoys them the most about their partner? Would they change it if they could?

They love each other’s little quirks, but what annoys them both is that the other has the tendency to cut the other off for their sake. Taylor not telling Jake or the gang about some dangers (that she could talk about without messing up time) just to protect them. Jake trying to make her go when Lundgren was after them. Stuff like that. They wish the other would let them just be there for them cause they’re supposed to be a team, but the need to protect the other gets in the way.

8. What do they like best about their partner?

Taylor loves Jake’s hair (she runs her fingers through it a lot because it’s surprisingly soft), and the smirk he gives her a lot. Let’s not forget the beautiful blue eyes that like to wander over her body.

Jake loves her smile. He tries to hide it most of the time, but it makes him melt. And the way she smells. When they’re lying next to each other at the end of the day and he takes in her scent he feels happy and safe, because to him she smells like home.

9. Do they discuss big issues? Religion? Marriage? Children? Death?

Yes but they’re both a little awkward about it and there’s a lot of beating around the bush. But they eventually do, especially when a situation forces them to. Jake makes sure to insert a lot of jokes and puns to deflect the awkwardness of any conflicting opinions. Although they surprise each other with their very similar views anyway.

10. Who drives? Cooks? Does the handiwork? Cleans? Pays the bills? Handles the public?

Taylor drives. Jake actually only knows how to work planes. Go figure. Taylor cooks most of the time except for when Jake is in the mood to barbecue or grill things outside. Jake does a lot of the handiwork around the house. Cleaning is split, with they heavy-duty outdoor stuff taken care by Jake (he likes it because you do those less often than say, sweeping lol). Taylor pays the bills. They hate the public XD

11. Do they celebrate holidays? Anniversaries?

They do! They usually have a thing with the gang then sneak off to have some private time drinking together, lying in a hammock cuddling, or… things.

Their favorites are New Years and their anniversary. Add to that the anniversary of Jake’s name being cleared, letting him move back to the states so they can live together.

They also celebrate the anniversary of when they all returned home. It’s a special holiday only they celebrate. Lots of feels and good times on that day.

12. Is there a wedding? What was the proposal like? Any kind of honeymoon?

THERE IS. It was on the island. Their relationship never went along the normal progression anyway. Everything just happened quickly. Jake proposed one day after all the mess on La Huerta. They were still on the island, but everything was more lax. They could afford to party, relax, and figure out how to get home in peace.

Jake and Taylor were sitting quietly on the beach, talking about how great it felt to be free from all the weird stuff. And Jake is staring at her as she talks about home. He never thought about getting married, but he wasn’t stupid, either. He saw very clearly how lucky he was, how he wanted her and only her, and just asked then and there. Why wait?

It was a lovely little ceremony officiated by the Vaanti, with a feast of course and Raj getting everyone drunk. They saved the honeymoon for when they got back home, and had it on a regular island getaway without time magic nonsense.

13. What do they do for fun? Do they have a favorite activity or do they like to switch things up?

They’re very chill. They like to lay around the house, or go for walks and hikes outside. Occasionally they do go for an adrenaline rush: surfing, jetskiing, diving, Jake flying them around, that kind of stuff.

14. Anything they both dread?

An angry Michelle, Zahra, Estela, and worst of all Grace lol

They can handle anything else, really.

15. How adventurous are they?

Very. They’re that type of couple that likes to go on mountain hikes and would try anything that gave you a big adrenaline rush.

16. Do they keep secrets? Lie? Cheat?

Nope. By the time they get back from La Huerta they’re pretty much open to each other all the way. There are times though when they feel the need to hide something from the other when they feel like it would keep the other safer or it was unnecessary to worry them about it, but these things usually come out if they need to.

17. What would make them break up? Would it be permanent?

If they can’t keep up with adjustments in each other’s lives. I mean Taylor would be adjusting to the new life of being an adult: finding a job, getting used to paying bills, and figuring out what she wants to do with her life. Jake on the other hand has to get used to being back in the states, and could have trouble adjusting into the quiet normalcy of everyday life. 

I could see Taylor hang on even if they had trouble keeping up with each other on top of these life changes, but Jake would be the type of guy who might ask to cool off if he feels like he’s being a burden or hindrance in her new life.

Probably not permanent. Taylor is stubborn and would keep coming back.

18. What are their dates like? How long do/did they date? Do they ever feel the need to take a break from each other?

They feel a little awkward at first readjusting to life back in the normal world and going on actual dates that didn’t involve simultaneously running away from prehistoric predators. But when they do adjust, they hang out a lot. 

Jake shows her around his hometown, and they like to take little trips together and he shows her all the places he’s been with his old plane Delilah. They like going to bars together, or camping, or just hanging out at one of their houses or in the backyard, lounging around, talking, and drinking or eating. When they get a little bored of the quiet, they like to go hiking, or to the beach and do fun activities like jetski races ofc.

I HC that Taylor doesn’t really have a home in the US like she thinks, so when they go back they move in together right away. They maybe date for about a year before Jake cuts the BS and asks her to marry him lol. They were never the couple to take things slow anyway. They were sure of each other from the start.

Ofc they need breaks from each other. Everyone needs alone time. Taylor likes to go out with the girls: Michelle and Estela especially, while Jake likes to have alone time in his hammock or watch a game with Craig, Zahra, and Sean.

19. What do they fight about? What are their arguments like? How do they make up?

They fought quite a bit when they were adjusting to a normal life and living together. Not having to worry about surviving attacks and starvation lets you notice the annoying things a little more. They argue about bad habits and chores, but nothing too big. Their arguments are just a few annoyed words, then one of them, usually Jake, walks off before they lose their temper and say something they don’t mean.

They make up by just approaching the other and hugging them, mumbling an apology. Always a lot of make up kissing/sex lol

20. What does their home look like? Their room?

Simple, but homey. These two could live on a shack on the beach and decorate it with a bunch of souvenirs from their travels, which is basically how they decorate their actual home. Nothing fancy. Same with their room.

21. Do they share any interests or hobbies?

Yes! I imagine they love watching sports and support Sean in his career. They also love outdoors-y type activities. Jake shares his enthusiasm for flying, and tries teach Taylor how to fly his new little plane. Taylor introduces Jake to a bunch of her favorite TV series.

22. Does their work ever interfere with the relationship?

In the way of time maybe. They feel frustrated when they’re trying to get into a routine. Taylor is a fresh grad trying to settle into her first job and she’s kept busy quite a lot. Jake on the other hand doesn’t have too many options after serving his country. He goes back to being a pilot and is away a lot.

23. How do they hug? Kiss? Tease? Flirt? Comfort?

Jake often does the side hug, draping one arm around Taylor to pull her in then kiss her on the forehead. Taylor likes wrapping her arms around his waist when he does this and buries her face in his chest.

Their kissing always leads to things. They can’t help it, they enjoy the feel of each other too much and if they are alone, they will take advantage lol.

Flirting is shameless. Doesn’t matter when or where, even in serious life and death planning mode with the gang, Jake especially will find a way to pull out a flirty joke or pull her into a kiss. You miss all the shots you don’t take, is one of his life mottos.

They comfort each other with light-hearted jokes, words, and light touches or lingering hugs. Like when Taylor found Jake’s idol. She hugs him for comfort and he returns it, asking her what’s wrong and reassuring her. Or like in the tent before they went after Rourke and Jake poured his heart out to her about Mike. She was there for him and reassured him, making sure he knew she was there for him.

38. What are they like in the bedroom? Any kinks/fetishes/turn-ons? Anything they won’t do?

Insatiable, really. They just go at it whenever they can and wherever they can, you saw them on La Huerta lol EVEN IN THE CAVE XDD

So they’re really hungry and rough about it, especially in the beginning, but then they also have that side where they’re softer, slower, and are more gentle - usually in quieter moments and later on when they fall hard for each other.

They won’t do anything too crazy, but they do like to mix it up now and then (cough tying each other up is canon cough). Hmm stuff with food, blindfolding, doing it in non-bed places, stuff like that. Jake loves LOVES watching her though, it’s a simple thing is a huge turn on for him. Like he’ll watch her as she moves on against him or he rocks against her, drinking in the way her face looks, how her hair is splayed over the sheets - all of it. Drives him crazy.

41. Are they party-goers? What are they like when they’re drunk? Does it happen often?

Yes but in that relaxed way. Like, they’ll go to a party, but are the ones sitting around and just drinking in their own little group. Jake isn’t drunk too often. The man’s threshold is HIGH. But when he is, he gets kind of sleepy and is extra touchy with Taylor. He also either laughs more or gets a little miffed with people around him who make fun of him cause he looks so drunk. Like Craig will crack a joke and Jake tries to push him a little, but he misses and just ends up sitting on the floor. Idk XDD

Taylor is drunk more often. She tries to drink the same stuff Jake does, but usually can’t keep up. She’s a happy drunk, prone to dancing, yelling, and lots of giggling around her friends. She’ll also drape her arms around Jake a lot, kissing him all over his cheek and ruffling his hair, still giggling.

Send me a ship and some numbers and I’ll give you HCs (limited, see this link for ships I do!)

[marshmallow-pufft]

~✨~ My 2020 ~✨~

I’m going to update this as the year carries on but here’s how my 2020 has been:

January:

Started majorly questioning my sexuality

Downloaded tumblr

Developed a new art style

Made a new anime friend

February:

Started the month of with a dose of nostalgia; CLUB PENGUIN!!!

Realised and came to terms with the fact that I was queer (not sure about a label though, Pan? Demi?)

Found out where a family member was scattered after their death and made plans to go to there in their memory.

March:

It’s Corona time~

ANIMAL CROSSING NEW HORIZONS BABBBBYYYY

Painted Glitchtrap from FNAF for an entire day... and grew extremely frustrated at the fact that the colours messed up

April:

Too many mental breakdowns caused by COVID-19

Painted a tiger cub with a flower crown for mother dearest

Lost my Great Nan to an illness - fortunately not Corona (My thoughts and prayers are with you xx)

May:

Bro, it got HOT where I live. No cap, I’m pretty sure I melted at one point (also a hornet flew into my room - I’m now traumatised and my fear of bugs has skyrocketed)

BIRTHDAY BASH YASS! ‘‘Twas my birth anniversary and honestly, was one of the better birthdays I’ve had in the past couple of years :)

Good bye Club Penguin phase - hello Harry Potter and Pokemon... lord help me.

June, July & August:

UHHHHHHHHHHHH

So, Sumer went by super fucking fast

Mental health? Haven’t heard of her~

September:

Back to hell school

But! I found a therapist and we should be having some sessions together so mental health might be making a comeback?

Hello Gotham...

October:

Therapy = really beneficial! Seriously tho, my mental health is really good :)

My bestie’s birthday and I may or may not have gone overboard with her present lol

Not me simping over fictional psychopaths-

November:

I never expected the US Election to be like my own personal tv show but here we are-

I CAUGHT CORONA. THIS IS NOT. A DRILL. COVID-19 IS IN MY SYSTEM.

Mock Exams are making me physically sick...

December:

Mock Exam Time whoop whoop...

Christmas didn’t feel like Christmas ngl

Not really an exciting December to be perfectly honest...

SO THERE WE HAVE IT! 2020 the hellish year is finally over and 2021 is now beginning! Though knowing my luck, it will probably be worse. I’m gonna continue this and make a yearly trend, especially since I’ve got a lot going on in 2021. I hope y’all had as good a year as you could get and I’ll see you in ~🌸~ My 2021 ~🌸~! Stay safe <3

[mari-m-rose]

So I have been feeling horrible ever since I got free.

I worked for a month and it seems the place I was working at (the one I talked about basically a month ago) doesn’t seem to want to keep me unless they pay me less. How much less Idk. I feel that my reaction didn’t please my boss so I’m really doubting that they keep me in the end. They told me to rest this week and probs next one too and then they’ll probably hire me for another 15 days and make me rest again and so on, but yeah I kinda don’t want that because I want a stable job. I feel that I’m being treated like a trainee designer when I already proved them I’m much more than that. So, yes, that’s worrying me. Being unemployed again so soon is stressing me.

Second, my relationship seems to be upgrading, since I graduated and all, I feel bf is getting anxious. We had a big af fight last sunday about a really stupid thing, that lasted until tuesday. It was emotionally draining and I was already hormonal and unstable because my period was coming...we were able to solve it, but lately I feel that he’s harder to reach and harder to understand. Today we finally talked about what’s bothering him and he said a really hurtful thing but thankfully I feel a lot more stable today so I was very calm about it and we managed to talk it out and solve it. I feel we did great today. I feel I could understand him better and that my words finally reached him. I wish things start improving. IF ONLY he would not demand sanity from me when I’m unstable, I seriously can’t, today I explained that and I think he finally understood. Well that turned out fine ofc, but it was hellish while it lasted.

And ofc dearest manga hasn’t been helping, I srsly don’t think that what happened in these last weeks was that bad but I’m running short on patience. It’s hard to enjoy a story that destroys everything you love. Even if it’s a process to goodness, some things that really hurt have been said and done. I’m just hoping dearest manga author fixes things because I know that she’s good at it, but I also can’t fully trust because I’m too emotional. This is why I’m dropping it unless something really good happens. I’m dropping the spin off too. Not because it’s bad and it’s def not hurting me, I think its writing is even superior and I love it but I need a rest >+o. I’m ded. I’m too focused on it and that’s harming me. I give it a month maybe, unless something cool happens first.

Sadly even some people I know have considered me toxic for my opinions on this manga and I developed guilty feelings for expressing my opinions which is so wrong and I’m mad at myself for having them. I will express my opinions, I never insult anyone when I express myself so I don’t think anyone should feel offended about what I have to say.  I srsly just want that everyone has fun and since I’m not I’m doing my own stuff to also have fun. Hence all that indulging, basic and, I admit, boring artwork.  I’m a boring person that draws the same thing over and over again.

Then again, I feel I don’t belong here anymore and that I’m being judged and left behind. It’s sad because once I feel I was someone here (someone part of the fandom I guess) but now I feel like I’m a nuisance. And now I’m even doubting if some friends that I made in this fandom like me anymore. It makes me want to run away and never speak to them again.

On the bright side, because today I feel a lot better, thus I’m writing this to leave these feelings behind, I’ve met a lot of lovely new people and I’m very comfy in our silent secret corner, in which everything is fun and they are so lovely. Telephone otp thing was also a good idea. I suck at socializing but the sight of people talking so lively to each other and having fun definitely cheers me up and encourages me to continue with my projects in this fandom.

Also is it during these kind of bad days that those who are your real friends stand out and just knowing they are there makes everything recover at an amazing speed ♥.  And you my guys if you are reading this long thing and still feel positive about me and what I post. Thank you. I say a lot of bs but I appreciate every single action of support, everything, everything makes me happy: follows, notes, reblogs, comments, asks (even tho I can’t reply immidiately). If you are having fun here despite my latent negativity, then my work here is done. Thanks to everyone that is still here with me. I don’t think many people will read this because it’s too personal, but I’m gonna make sure to make another post thanking everyone soon.

It’s late and I should sleep. Blessings to you all! I may fall but I swear that I will always stand up to step on the corpses of those who like to see me fall.

[greedler]

YO i got tagged, thanks snail buddy

Author you’ve read the most books from:

Honestly? Probably Suess. Next closest would be whoever made the magic school bus series. I hoarded those.

Best Sequel Ever:

I think Fell was much better than the first book, The Sight. There’s no way in hell any of you guys know what that book is but pretty much it’s wolves with magical powers. No wonder I’m a furry. I actually read the seqeal first on accident

Currently Reading:

A shit ton of fanfiction. Okay if we’re talking published books I’m reading King Lear and Heart of Darkness for my english class

Drink of Choice While Reading:

We don’t drink. We go in DRY

E-reader or Physical Book?

Physical book. I drop stuff a lot and a tablet is nooooot a good idea but i also get papercuts.... hmmm. i just really likes books? the weight, the smell (even the new ones), sound of a page turning or shutting it. 

Fictional Character You Probably Would Have Actually Dated In High School:

Hey guys what’s my url? Jk I’d totally date the onceler but fandom greedler can go suck my dick he ain’t getting this sweet ass. Y’all have no idea how many waifus i got. I’ll list, Russia, Clear, Grillby. yeah we’ll call it quits there. (I like greedler and russia a lot but i don’t think those would work out) I’m overthinking this LET ME DATE THE BOYS. i really like undyne too... (kinda realizing i like girls more than i thought i did)

Glad You Gave This Book A Chance:

the bible praise jesus HELLALUYA jk, uuuuh god i usually just read fanfiction cause it takes less effort than going to the library... hmmm. I liked Jane Eyre more than I thought I would? no not that... FUCK. Let’s go with the infinity farm.I mean that is surreal and hellish. That one tumblr post with like the cow with infinite legs? that one. Did not expect to like it so much.

Hidden Gem Book:

HOLY FUCK GUYS READ MONTMORENCY IT”S SO GOOD!!!!! the seqeals are good too but they go in a different direction. There’s so many scenes i will nvr get outtof my head from these books. Essentially it’s set in the victorian age or whatever and it’s about a dude who tries to trick his way into high society. so good. seriously

Important Moment in your Reading Life:

deviantart.... i read so many hetalia reader inserts..... so many

Just Finished:

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh a lot of porn tbh.

Kinds of Books You Won’t Read:

Straight romance books. bleh. uh mystery books? for some reason i think i hate them but i don’t think i’ve ever read one.... wait.. oh my god montmorency is a mystery book and i thought i hated those.. FUCK.. i need to read way more

Longest Book You’ve Read:

I’m gonna go with series just so I can say i read the Eragon book series in a week. I mean they’re pretty long. I read the first book in 24 hours.

Major book hangover because of:

any time i open ao3 after 9 oclock. You know I ain’t gonna be sleeping much.

Number of Bookcases You Own:

ha! no

One Book You Have Read Multiple Times:

The previously mentioned book Fell. I have read it 3 times I think. Once in one night. I’ve read montmorency three times too.

Preferred Place To Read:

my hidey hole of a bedroom of course! theres something surreal abt reading fanfiction in a public library though that i reccomend

Quote that inspires you/gives you all the feels from a book you’ve read:

you think I can remember a quote? pshaaa

i guess I’ll put a dr suess quote i’ve had on my wall for years and that only gets more and more relevant to me as time goes on. You have to be odd to be number one. I live by that.

Reading Regret:

I didn’t read Harry Potter when I was younger for some reason? well i know why i wanted to save it for when I was older so I could marathon all of them. Nvr really got into it. Would’ve liked to see that mess of a fandom. I was into Naruto instead I guess.

Series You Started And Need To Finish(all books are out in series):

Any books series I’ve ever dropped I dropped for a damn good reason. I ain’t got shit to say here.

Three of your All-Time Favorite Books:

I’m just gonna list favorite fanfictions since I already listed my fav books. I’ve probably got more fav books but I’m tired and can’t remember them atm. Beauty and the Beast Russia x Reader It’s like 70 chapters and still going and yeah it’s no where near as good as I remember it but I’ve read it so many times. My encylopedia of flags I guess? i really loved flags. This book I have filled with old spiderman comicbooks.

Unapologetic Fangirl For:

Tolkien. I’m a sucker for fantasy okay. The WORLDBUILDING

Very Excited For This Release More Than All The Others:

the next fuckING CHAPTER OF THAT RUSSIA X READER!!!!! please it’s been more than a year i’m dying

Worst Bookish Habit:

posture, my back eternally hurts cause of it

X Marks The Spot: Start at the top left of your shelf and pick the 27th book:

i don’t have 27?

Your latest book purchase:

nvr bought a book in my life fam

ZZZ-snatcher book (last book that kept you up WAY late):

Jane Eyre cause i decided to start reading it at 10 oclock when the study guide was due the next day likE AN IDIOT

aight imma try and @ people snail hasn’t. Don’t feel like you have to this was just pretty fun! did take a while tho...

so i will @ @ask-irl-oncie @winchells and for the fuck of it @gay4genji! come on buddy what’s some cool shit u’ve read!

shit what was this challenge called again?

eh here’s a link http://www.perpetualpageturner.com/2013/08/some-friday-fun.html

[lookwhatilost]

the thing abt justin is that. um. if i were to describe him, id call him the worlds most common rarity

there are a lot of people out there who have similar tastes in music and art, similar interests (minus the home brewing thing which honestly is DISGUSTINGLY appealing to me) and many of them are more physically attractive than he is. but he has like... such a soothing presence. a very comforting voice. jst all these weird little idiosyncrasies that are so genuine that you can’t help but interpret him as trustworthy. it’s probably in part bc ive known him in some capacity for 3 years now but ive never felt so comfortable around someone before which is weird bc my intuition always pushes me towards suspicion and paranoia even when I know it’s not rational (tho I’m not saying i dnt deal w this to some degree w him but im speaking relatively)

but the thing abt him too is that... like... as much as i like him, as much as i think he’s intelligent and interesting, and as great as our chemistry is. like. on an objective level he isn’t a “catch”. he’s negligent to his personal relationships in the name of his job. to be fair, his work is demanding. he never rly gets time off and life balance is nigh impossible when you’re clocking 60 hours a week at least. but one of his closest friends is a coworker and he got into a massive fight w him bc of he was being shitty to him a la “I’m jst doing my job” to the point where it’s been months and they’re yet to be on good terms. he dznt rly have a social life bc most of his friends are busy w their own families and partners and jobs. so he basically jst sleeps until 2PM. goes to work. leaves. comes home. gets drunk. watches old episodes of iasip until he passes out. rinse. repeat. if he’s off he’s usually jst seeing his sister or getting high or playing video games

i feel like the more i found out abt him, the less surprised i am that his ex left him for someone else. which is shitty but it’s kinda self-evident at this point

so, enter me. break in the monotony. something else. maybe not the someone he wants but his life dznt rly lend to meeting people or dating them. like, he’s 33 and his dating pool is rly limited amongst his peers bc most ppl that old are in LTRs. his job would be demanding if he didn’t overcommit to it. it’s difficult for him to meet people organically bc his social life is nonexistent and he detests social media, let alone dating apps/sites. he’s, like, objectively an alcoholic even if he is a high functioning one. he’s got rly limited romantic options and he’s aware of that.

I know he’s a lot more attached to me than he lets on. he can’t help but give it away. no matter how many “this is a bad idea”s come out of his mouth, he’s always liable to come back out of the woodwork and no matter how angry w me he gets he’s always back and missing me and shit. bc i think he knows that, like, this is as good as it’s realistically going to get for him. which is SUCH a shitty thing to verbalize but it’s true.

me on the other hand... like. i have an abundance of options for a variety of reasons. i find myself in all sorts of weird predicaments, and things have always sort of expanded for me in unpredictable ways. things for me are often hellish but never boring bc I hate being bored and do dumb shit in response to that nagging feeling. and i meet people, get into hash tag schenanigans... whatever. my life is jst beginning to take off, finally, and im ready to follow where it leads me.

i keep spending time w him bc i seriously do like him. the sex stuff has been kind of polarizing in that it’s a 50/50 chance of being enjoyable or being a complete unmitigated disaster, but it makes me feel good abt myself/attractive either way so i dnt rly care too much abt the finer details. but i know that like... im going to get bored and bounce to someone who hasn’t dedicated the rest of their days to crying abt an ex. he’s going to get a lot more upset abt that than he anticipates. he’s going to grovel. the jury’s still out on how I’m going to respond to that.

i entertained the idea of dating someone else jst to be hurtful to him but that’s apocalyptically shitty to him and apocalyptically shitty to whoever else would be unlucky enough to get involved. but that’s where this is going to end either way, yknow, realistically I’m not going to burn the rest of my life in a casual arrangement w someone who indefinitely isn’t ready to be in a relationship. and it’s going to upset him either way. fuck, him seeing me w Tommy hurt the hell out of him and that wasn’t even a date, nor were we sleeping together at the time.

but no matter what happens, this does not end well for him and I’m the one who’s going to come out of this w the least amount of damage. and i guess i feel weirdly secure in that. which is why i keep doing that. my feelings for justin are pretty deep but i know that there are, yknow, billions of other people out there and probably a lot that I’d feel similarly for. there’s a difference in mentality and his fares so much worse

it’s complicated. you know.

[bradfordarchive]

guess who’s bk.... bk again..... shady’s bk...... tell a friend... bradley struts onto the scene w a bleached blonde n shaven head wearin a white eminem vest. it’s she! more abt her under the cut u kno the drill

pinterest can b found here!!

MARGARET QUALLEY / CIS-FEMALE. — bradley milligan is really making a name for themselves as a tier 4 shepherd. i think that she is studying psychology in their junior year at lockwood, living in off campus. originally from queens, bradford pear is known to be brave & resilient, but can also be ruthless & destructive. — nai / 23 / gmt / she/her.

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

father runs a gang n strip club in queens called ‘no angels’ tht fronts an affluent drug trade, primarily coke. his name is tony milligan n his gang is p infamous around there fr being jst like…. completely cutthroat n awful. they were nicknamed ‘tony’s rottweilers’ by locals bc he bsically has all of these trained dogs on leash at his command n they’re still a growing organisation tday

he’s pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story. they had a horrible marriage n tony ws quite violent at the best of times, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else on top of tht, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole mess. anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley’s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline frm tht point onwards

she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n sometimes gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

honestly. im probably missing a million things bc i kind of feel like a microwaved shrimp as i write this bt. basically her life is jst the worst a true… abomination! bc im evil like tht sometimes

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u and u murder a man in cold blood she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. a minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. the majority of her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she kind of has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality

speakin of which i feel like she’s bi bt wldnt have dated a girl or anythin. like guys r probably…. her preference just bc historically theyv treated her worse n she hs a very self destructive personality like that. sexy!

dresses like courtney love, 2014 sky ferreira and a character from this is england had a baby. mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hd kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content

personality wise she’s v sarcastic. sometimes blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s quite confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever. sort of independent too like she hs a bunch of friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone if she’s in a certain mood n jst wants…… to get into chaos. she’s probably kind of known around campus/town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

where the app is concerned!! iv made her a tier 4 shepherd bc i feel like she deals fr her dads gang thru the app n like. they probably have something incriminating held over her head about pearl winters (shoutout 2 pand love u icon) who’s her best friend n she wldnt want her to go to jail or anything so. i haven’t rly decided fully what it might be?? mayb...... this hit and run they were involved in bt. bradley ws in the passenger side n pearl ws in the bk n this guy sawyer ws driving n they told him to stop bt he jst like. purposefully ran this man jason dwn. it ws super traumatic obviously n bradley feels responsible even tho she cldnt rly do anything abt it so. ya she’s prob bein blackmailed w something to do w tht perhaps

likes: fishnets, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops and whiskey

dislikes: amy schumer, honesty, yellow tulips and going home

in terms of Plots

hm. mayb someone tht knows her frm home/queens??? like tht frequents no angels (her dad’s strip club) or picks up frm there or smthn

she deals coke thru the app n probably other drugs too like pills n whtever..... bt feel like coke is her main sell. she doesn’t even need the money she jst does it bc it’s like.......... the culture she’s been raised into n also she finds the risk of it all entertaining so. mayb she deals to someone

anyone….. shes brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship wtever…. ur muse is like like bradley is. a handful)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily Sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n kicked the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[yerbevan]

tired and worn out...

but wound up with restless energy...sunny skies and balmy temps forecast for the next three days here in my semi-tropical paradise...trump can sit in the white house and deteriorate for a few days without any help from me, tho presidential deterioration acceleration is my specialty and my sacred mission

i do my part to keep a check on it while attempting to drive him insane...he needs to hang it up and go away...trump is hopelessly mired in his own mess, and trump's mess is america's mess for now...and i don't care i will say it again: whether left to his own devices or badgered by the likes of me, it doesn't matter, the whole appalling picture will darken and worsen as long as he remains in office...this observation been proven accurate...there is no depth too low, nowhere to go from here but down

and i ask you, my friends, my fellow americans, how much can you take? check the reference points: the obama presidency, the bush presidencies, the clinton presidency...we are way off course and in serious trouble  

i can pick up on my racist trope, which is an accurate description and a tropey thing, also piquant and scintillating, anytime i choose...i must remember to get some coca-colas the next time i go out...also some fluid for the wet vac...planning to enjoy simple domestic pleasures, like running the wet vac on the rugs

must shut off consumption of news and current events...for a couple three maybe five or seven days...because the president of the united states is trying to drive me crazy, and i am already crazy...i came out of the oven crazy...but not as messed up as the president...it must be a bad feeling to know you've tossed hundreds of millions of dollars to the wind, and now when vladimir putin says squat you squat...not my idea of a good time...it is twisted and hellish

yet it goes beyond just putin...trump has an obvious fetish and sickness for dictators generally...i think it's time for trump to check in with a psychiatrist again...and maybe consider a different line-up of psych meds...if he is taking any at all...sometimes people who are seriously stuck in lunacy decide to stop taking the meds...it is a bad idea and never works

it never works, trump...check your head