#she hasnt lived here since march and honestly it's much better this way

[ikyw-t]

hm realizing that this year marks a decade of me writing my own songs and how im actually for real for real going to finally post some music online this year... which is mostly very exciting bc i have nothing to lose.

but then also i can't help but think of two separate occasions when i was 14 or 15 and went to an open mic night with my twin sister and one of her friends and when she found out i had signed up to sing + play a couple of songs she literally left the coffee shop and walked all the way down the block rather than have to endure 10 minutes of my singing which.... feels almost comically overdramatic and atrocious but mostly just still makes me feel pretty shite lmao .... esp when i remember how when i had first started writing i would try to show her all of my writing which believe it or not she was also never once supportive about... lol anyway. just twin things ig!

[jenna-jayde-the-renagade]

When i was 13, i found out that men can and do become women. That there was a word for the way i felt inside: transgender. All i had to do in order to be who i am is reach out to the right people, seek help and support.

However, it isnt always so easy. Our world judges people like us in alot of scenarios, and for a kid who just wanted to live her best little life that was a scary concept. So i hid it, i did well until i was 15 and 16. My dad and my stepmom went through my room, twice. On both occasions they found womens clothing, which i would quite often wear to bed cause i felt so soothed by the soft fabric. I had leggings, and panties, and a sports bra, and a white tank top the first time. Even back then i always loved the way leggings hugged my lower half, and how relaxing and comfortable sleep was in them. Back then it was a source of comfort, i "dressed up" in order to cull the anxiety i had from putting on this mask every day. It was killing me.

I made fun of, i bullied my own kind, i bullied the LGBTQ community as a whole. I did it because i wanted to distance myself from my own identity, and cause i was jealous of other trans women who were already in their transitions and living their best lives!! I became a homophobic, misogynistic asshole to just get away from it, and to make sure nobody would ever expect it. I hate that period of my life, i look back on it in deep shame.

But then one day i moved into a place that i would eventually feel safe in. I was 18 now, and just starting to really get worn down by drugs and mental illness. But i turned around there, and i got really close to the staff at this group home. They supported me like my parents would, even though they were a different nationality and spoke bad english i felt closer to the group home workers than almost anyone else. They talked me down when i was mad or crying. They helped me get further in life. I had thoughts of coming out one day, and how i could probably do it both in vancouver and in this house. I had thoughts of how it would go. Who to tell first, it raged in my head for a couple weeks. But one day i was with my therapist, we were driving around and i had just gotten a cheddar bacon angus burger from mcdonalds with a vanilla bean frappuccino to drink. But before i could eat, my stomach wouldnt let me go on without telling my therapist whats really going on.

"I dont know how to say this ashley, but its been on my mind since i was 13 and ive planned out the whole process in my head already! Im fucking trans, im a woman, i want to be a girl and im tired of putting on this rough and tough mask just to try and fit in and be a man!! Im tired of rough, i want soft!! I want to have boobs!! I want to have nice long legs with thick hips! I want to see the sparkle come back to my eyes! I want to see my smile have happyness behind it, and not nothing, im tired of faking it!! Im scared, i could never do this around my dad, or in kelowna!! But ive got a fresh start in this city, and i know i can do it with the supports i have!! Everything i did was to please someone else, and i tried to be the best man i could to hide it.. im not a man though, im a happy, beautiful girl and im tired of hiding her!!"

That was 2017, in the spring. I was a drug addict back then, and i lived full time as a girl for 3 whole months!! Although i was so happy, and felt so comfortable in my skin i couldnt handle it once i lost my supports on top of my addiction.

On september 14th 2017, i buried Jenna for a while. I felt so horrible, even rhough i knew it was temporary i didnt know how temporary it would be. I was scared to be a boy now, and i felt even more dysphoric full well knowing the result of transitioning and the improvements to my mental health. Burying jenna was burying who i am. It couldn't last long, and once i got sober on december 15th 2018, and got myself into a safe space again in march. By late april i couldnt hold jenna inside me anymore, she needed out, jenna needed to bloom and grow big and strong!! I came out a second time to my mother and my grandmother who were both as accepting as two people who know no trans people aside from me can be. It went well, i told them it was time for me to resume my transition.

They were there for me when i reached out to Skipping stone, and got hooked up with a gender therapist. By august i had a date for when i would start hormones, october 9th 2019. On october 9th i was tense, i just wanted it to go right. I even had a little freakout in my appointment at my phone. But, after driving an hour and half each way, i walked out of my doctors office still in boy mode, but with a script for cyproterone and estradiol!! I started that night!!

When i started hrt, i was a different person in two weeks, i wasnt jayden, i was jenna. I acted way more feminine, my skin got softer, my erogenous zones changed, my voice got higher, my testicles shrunk. The feminization process had begun! I had emotional breaks here and there, and it hasnt been easy all the time. But my bad days today are still better than my best days when i was playing a character, acting as jayden. Today when i get sad, i put on something cute, and i take some cute pics and i look at them. I love it when i can honestly say, i love the way im changing. How my face lost the wrinkles of 5 years of bad habits in two months!! How my breasts are here and so so sensitive, i feel them moving on my chest and theyre like little stress sacks there for me to squeeze and hold when im feeling down!! I love the feeling of weight on my chest, and the jiggle when i walk or hit bumps on my bike! My medical transition so far is destroying any bit of my dysphoria!

I think trans is beautiful, because theres something just so positive, so god damn enlightening and beautiful. About one mans journey to woman. My body is changing, its curves being accentuated, its features becoming more noticeable by the day. I feel so much joy when i see a change, when i notice my body looks feminine. Or when i get compliments, like "my god youve got legs for days!!" It makes me know for a fact i chose right, cause im a beautiful girl, going through this beautiful process with beautiful changes.

Jenna jayde is a girl, i wasnt born a girl, but i make a better girl than i ever could have a boy. Wearing clothes that make me happy, and feel hugged all over from the soft tight fabric. Feeling emotions i never thought existed after a while on hrt!

Its so beautiful, like a sunflower swaying slightly in the summer breeze!

Life is better now, its worth standing up and fighting for.

Woot woot!! Its trans positivity jenna!! Woot woot!!

[avpdpunpun]

i disappeared for 3/4ths a year here’s an update?

its been 4 months since my queue ran out and way longer since i wrote an actual post. 8 months about? i think i last posted when i impulse quit a job that was bad for my mental health and just kept getting worse.

sometimes i wonder when ppl who blog about mental illness disappear if they’ve died. there was a big user i used to follow who did, and i still occasionally think about it sometimes, so i figure its nice to post updates sometimes. and being able to look back on posts ive written and reflect on them/what state of mind i was in can be helpful even if it can be embarrassing/dangerous because its so easy to fall back into those thinking habits 

after quitting my job i did basically nothing for 6 months haha. at some point i managed to clean out my room which i had done the bare minimum on for years because of depression, took out more built up trash than i thought was possible to fit into my small space. its disgusting but the only thing i struggle to keep up with now at least is vacuuming and putting clothes away so my space is a lot cleaner and it makes me happier. your living space can really have an effect on your mood bless you marie kondo

after my post about having an anxiety attack taking my test i got my drivers license in march. i saw the same lady again after going somewhere else and i think she just let me pass because she felt bad haha. i never finished drivers ed and i still get anxiety about driving unfamiliar routes but my skills and confidence have improved a lot. i managed to drive 2 hours to a big city to visit a friend! i literally didnt have a choice in getting my license, but its still something i can be proud of. like, when i have to explain it to people, it feels extremely shitty that i didnt get it until i was 20, and only about 5 months ago too but... for someone who struggles as much as me, i have to be proud of it my small accomplishments or i’ll have nothing.

at some point something in my brain just snapped and i literally havent been able to cry? for a long time in those 6 months i felt like i was right on the edge of breaking down mentally but never actually crossing that line and it was honestly one of the weirdest things ive experienced. i almost wanted to have a breakdown again just to get rid of the feeling and reach a catharsis like... i used to be a fucking crybaby almost but i. cant. anymore. but i think ive mostly moved away from this point... still feel kinda weird tho.

i didnt end up signing up to a local school fo gen eds. its still on my mind for the vague future because there’s topics i want to learn about (psychology, natural resources, languages...) and maybe try to pursue for a career but really i just wanted a way to get out of my toxic house, even if it meant going into debt to live in a shitty dorm. 

in the last 30 days though life has been moving extremely quickly for me. i dont think i couldve lived with myself much longer being a useless adult basically living in my basement bedroom of my parents house, especially with my younger siblings getting nearer to adult milestones, plus my savings were starting to run out.

so literally next weekend, i’m moving out! and i make enough money right now that with the rough budget i have established, if its accurate, i’ll have a decent amount of wiggle room and hopefully wont be ruining my mental health just trying to make ends meet.

it took a long time of searching but i managed to find a job that hasnt made me suicidal and has slightly more than the MIT living wage for my area lol. im a janitor now! we’ll see how long it lasts but a lot of the factors from my last two jobs that contributed to my failing mental health are gone. i rarely have to interact with other people, and if i do its my coworkers, of who i tend to only see for minutes per day, or the other people working in the building i clean who at most i have to say hi and have a nice night to lol. i get to listen to music and podcasts for 8 hours and its very routine heavy. i have to clock out after the 8 hours is up so i literally cant be forced into overtime. a lot of people dont respect cleaning jobs like this but honestly who gives a fuck, its something i can handle mentally and support myself with. its still hard adjusting to 40 hours. i know its the standard, but the standard is rly tough for me, but i think i can do it long term.

all of this has been achieved through sheer self hatred and impulse alone, and im very nervous about moving in with 3 other people even if 1 of them ive known for 8 years, and i dont think its even properly hit me yet. literally cant register that i have to fend 100% for myself but also ill be away from my toxic family! i can bring my cat with me, who before this i got to see at MOST once a week!

a dude ive known online for two or more years is moving to my area too for college and he’s so sweet and kind, i feel better talking to him than i have 99% of people in my life and im so lucky to know him. ive been forced to talk about personal things i was kind of dreading (not his fault, just a result of our relationship going to go from online -> irl and things id have to address beforehand) and honestly i didnt even mind it that much when i just got it over with and talked about it to him! vulnerability is literally the thing i struggle with the most in interpersonal relationships and is a huge block for me in every way and in even the most mundane life situations but like... he’s honestly the best and im getting emotional writing this and its weird af because i straight up dont GET emotional about other people. ive absolutely developed a stupid fucking crush on him recently and i THINK hes been receptive to flirting and i cant tell if he flirts back because we already say i love you and are wholesome af but honestly no clue if he’s into (trans) dudes but honestly? even if it doesnt work out im so happy to be friends with him and im so excited to finally meet him!! i really think knowing him has helped me improve myself 

i’ve always thought that if i could literally just achieve the bare minimum in life that things would naturally get better. like i’m still mentally ill and get paranoid about peoples intentions and i think if my boss yelled at me id have an anxiety attack on the spot. im still depressed and hate that i have low energy and that it’s still rly hard doing basic chores. 

but like a huge part of my problem was that i felt like i literally couldn’t TRY to connect with people if i couldn’t face having to tell them bare info about myself, like “oh i cant drive” or “i dont have a job” or that i was living with my parents but not even making PROGRESS on getting out. like how could i make friends or go on dates if i literally couldnt contribute shit or admit these things i was so ashamed of? a lot of my self image was shaped by this because my entire life i havent been mentally well enough to do as well as i should have.

but like. i feel like im finally doing these basic things!! i dont have to hate myself so much anymore! i dont look badly on other mentally ill ppl who are less lucky than i/havent been able to do those things yet/might not ever and are still in the same situation i was 2 months ago but the self hatred is strong pls understand.

i dont know yet if i could afford twice yearly drs visits for meds or anything and probably not therapy. i dont even know what my insurance is yet haha. but i’ll see

i need to figure out at what point in my life im going to be able to never contact a single person in my family ever again, considering i’ll be a 20 min drive away and they will know the precise location of where i live, and if i’ll ever feel safe enough in society to start hrt but :^) you know :^) i can at least present more masculinely in the meantime!

i dont rly know how to conclude this... i’m not trying to brag either im just very nervous and excited about where my life might be going for the first time ever? maybe? in my entire life? i have no clue what to pursue after moving out, but i can figure it out. and just... that there’s hope even if youre as fucked up and mentally ill as i am lmao!

[drpepperphd]

AYASES TOP 10 ALBUMS OF 2017

OH MAN WHAT A GOOD YEAR FOR MUSIC ! ! ! ! ! AND GAMES ! ! ! ! ! ! yknow what ! ! ! this was just a good year ! ! ! fuck what u all say ! ! ! anyways heres the list and under the cut ill talk about the album and have some Honourable Mentions ! LETS GO ! !

10: A Crow Looked At Me by Mount Eerie

9: Concrete Desert by The Bug vs. Earth

8: Time Away by Casey Lalonde

7: Savage Sinusoid by Igorrr

6: Outer Edges Remixes by Noisia

5: Someone Elses Story by CXDR

4: It Happens Too Briefly To Know by Jr. Adelberg

3: Romaplasm by Baths

2: World Eater by Blanck Mass

1: II by Phuture Doom

wow ! ! okay so lets talk about feelings bitch

A Crow Looked At Me; so like fuck thats a sad album huh ? its straight up just grieving But With Guitar. im a massive fan of mount eerie and like literally everything phil elverum ever does, so its unsurprising this made the cut in the end, but this is one of those albums where once its over youre just left there, probably crying, just like “well shit now what to do i do with my life”

Concrete Desert; years back the bug and earth did a 2 song split that to this day i still absolutely adore, so as soon as i heard they were making a full length album together, i kinda flipped my shit ! ! and it lived up to all my expectations, and then some ! the album perfectly captures both the gritty and noisy and cold and empty sounds that both the bug and earth make separately, and just mashes it into this beautiful and dark album

Time Away; so idk if anyone knows but i am a HUGE casey lalonde fan, their music has meant a lot to me and helped me through a lot, so its only fitting they drop an album this year and its beautiful as hell ! ! from start to finish, time away took me through a bunch of feelings, all relevant to this year, doing what casey lalonde does best and making an incredibly enjoyable and comfy album yet again

Savage Sinusoid; i mean shit igorrr sure as hell exists huh ! ! suddenly savage sinusoid is released and its god damn chaotic as hell, and really focuses more on the... lets say Guttural side of igorrrs music. i mean all good albums should start with a dude screaming his lungs out honestly

Outer Edges Remixes; so the first time i listened to the outer edges remixes i was in public, but that did not stop me from boppin my head and all that shit cause literally every song on this album goes the fuck OFF ! ! ! like i honestly cant say anything else its just incredible remixes of older noisia songs with their incredible style of their album Outer Edges

Someone Elses Story; oh my goodness here onwards things are probably gonna get lengthy and emotional ! ! so i absolutely Love every piece of music avery releases, her music has comforted and helped me for years, and i still remember the first time i heard her music with the album Lost No Longer, which to this day continues to be my Comfort Album. now this album carries that weight twofold, as this album is about the past 3 years for avery, which coincidentally is for how long her music has been helping me. now ngl, i definitely cried listening to this album, every song just hit a different part of me, and you can feel each emotion that shes experience over the past 3 years in just 9 songs. a beautiful way to wrap up her alias as cxdr, and come out publicly under the name avery, and i cant wait to see where her music goes next.

It Happens Too Briefly To Know; i honestly did not expect to come to love this album as much as i do now ! on the surface its good indie rock, not anything new but not too familiar either, playing with the genre with interesting changes in the pace of songs. changing the pace during songs more often than not. it felt simple enough, but slowly over time i just kept coming back to this album, listening to it over and over again, and ive really come to appreciate every minute detail of this album, not to mention the feeling of youth it seems to so expertly capture

Romaplasm; oh my god, oh my GOD. alright so i really love baths, and this is undeniably his best release yet, it nearly placed second on this list, but i think world eater just BARELY tops it, for entirely different reasons though. hearing such openly gay songs from a big artist is... incredibly refreshing to say the least, even if they can be incredibly depressing, with lyrics such as “queer in a way thats failed me”. this album goes on such an incredible journey through everything baths does so well, starting to bright and happy and reaching an incredibly depressing song only 2 songs later, which jumps right into an incredibly uplifting and headstrong track, basically continuing in weird patterns like this but somehow flowing really well, until it does what i loved about his album obsidian. what i loved about obsidian is how it progressively got darker and grittier, to the point where the final track had some distortion in it. this takes it to an entirely different level, by going in an entirely different way. this is done in the last 3 tracks, so from wilt to coitus the album grows softer, almost like its dying (not a hard conclusion to reach with such track names) to a point in coitus where it even fizzles out for lack of a better word. and as coitus ends, in comes broadback, an oddly happy sounding song, especially in contrast to the last few tracks. the lyrics on the other hand, definitely not so happy, but vaguely hopeful. then baths does something that he hasnt done in his music before. he screams. and he just screams “dont want you to die” over and over until the end of the song. words cannot explain what this album does to me, but good god it sure as shit does it

World Eater; with each release blanck mass has done, hes gotten progressively more Intense. his first album was just an ambient album, his second release was grittier, it actually had beats, and now theres world eater. when rhesus negative kicked in on my first time listening to world eater, i fucking lost it. its such an angry and intense and fast song, and it goes the fuck off. the album goes in and out of angry songs and softer songs, in such an entrancing way that even the worst track on the album is still amazing and something id just listen to on its own. id like to mention literally every track on the album and talk about it but that would just take up way too much time, but i do want to just say the rat and silent treatment are fucking incredible songs that are like nothing ive ever heard and everything about this album just fucking RULES

II; ever since this album dropped in march, it has been my album of the year, nothing swaying that opinion any other way. i god damn love phuture doom, and the whole arg and everything about the lead up to this album was god damn amazing, and when it was all finally uncovered and we all listened to it for the first time, it blew our fucking minds. II takes what everyone loved about phuture dooms first album and ramps it up to 10, making the darkest and angriest and grittiest black acid cult shit imaginable. one song after the other, each proceeding to just impress and enthrall me more and more, and then you get the 4 minute ambient (and frankly kinda scary) ending, and honestly i needed to lay down after hearing II for the first time. the story and mystery of phuture doom deepens further, and quite frankly i worship  my new overlord Entity0, whatever the fuck that even is

honourable mentions time ! ! ! !

Death Peak by Clark; wow ! new clark album ! fuck its cool as hell ! god damn ive listened to this album too much ! !

Humanz by Gorillaz; yeah so what if you dont think its their best album ! its still a damn good album !

Utopia by Bjork; UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU WHAT A BEAUTIFUL ALBUM

Human Goings by Neil Bones; FUCK ME EVEN NEIL BONES RELEASED A NEW ALBUM ITS ALL HAPPENING THIS YEAR AAAAAAAA

Rainbow Mirror by Prurient; hey what the fuck new prurient ? Oh Hey Its Three Hours Long. combines his work under vatican shadow and prurient really well ! ! ! !

The Journey Man by Goldie; what the fuck goldie released a new album and its actually GOOD ? ? ? oh it goes for 2 hours huh. Fuckin Okay Mate

Evolution Of The Universe by Medium; my god what a fucking intense and angry dnb album good shit

WELL I GUESS THATS ALL FOLKS ! ! ! ! ! ! ! yeehaw and have a Happy New Cheers

[h-fragmentedfigments]

Reverse

Prologue

LONDON 1971

It was quarter to nine in the evening and supposedly, there should be music blaring out loud with the chattering of the crowd clouding the place. The atmosphere should smell like sweat and smoke, and the room shouldn’t have this too much light. Yet instead, Eris stood by the telephone at her parents’ house, pulse racing and breath hitching. This was not how she pictured her night starting.

She takes a deep breath, trying to form the words to say to the person on the line. She was petrified, her feet suddenly felt heavy to move, and her fingers are starting to feel cold.

“Ms. Gray, are you still there?” The woman who broke the news exactly two minutes ago spoke again, her voice sounding concerned.

“Yes, I’m still here.” Eris stutters as her eyes begin to brim with tears.

“It would be advisable to get yourself checked up again, just to see see if the baby…” Her next words became a blur as Eris tries to take in everything that’s been said to her for the past four minutes she’s been on the phone.

Before the woman on the line could even finish her statement, Eris beats her to it, feeling her head pound already. For fuck’s sake, what is happening? Eris thought. She was on her way to the pub where she should be spending time with Roger along with Freddie, Brian, and John who she hasn’t seen for over a month now. But before she could even step outside the house, the phone rang, where she received that god-awful news she’s never even thought of hearing any time soon; not when she was just getting into med school, not when Roger is just kicking off with his music career. But it had to happen now, at the very worst moment: She had to be twelve weeks pregnant.

“Th—thanks for the call,” Eris croaked, “I’ll make sure to go to the hospital soon.” She put the phone down before leaning against the wall beside her. God, she was getting dizzy. The woman’s words echoed in her mind and it was all too overwhelming, she couldn’t think straight.

Eris tries to collect her thoughts while pacing back and forth in the living room. She brings her thumb to her mouth, nibbling on it. Half an hour had already passed and she was seconds away from losing her mind. She and Roger had just received their BSC and while they’ve been in a happy, committed relationship for almost three years now, they’ve never talked about settling down, let alone have a child. Sure, marriage was brought up once or twice, but they have other plans long before that; plans the two of them have talked about before they even met in college.

A knock on the door abruptly halts Eris from pacing. She stood frozen in her place, terrified that she has to face Roger this early. Before she could even wrap everything in her mind. Her breath hitches, legs not daring to move while she waits for the person at the door to speak.

“Eris, darling, are you home?” Freddie hollers and relief quickly rushed through Eris’ body from hearing that voice. She bolts to the door, grateful to have this person out of anyone in the world in her house right now. She swings the door open, revealing her good, old friend’s face.

“Ah, thought you should be home. I was on my way to the pub when I saw your light still open, so I figured—”

Freddie was cut off with Eris engulfing him with a tight hug, “God, Freddie. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Well, can’t say I’m surprised. Anyone would be glad to see me.” Even without his face in view, Eris could picture the bloke’s smirk plastered on his face as he hugs her back. Typical Freddie Mercury, oozing with confidence.

They both enter the house with Freddie following Eris who is anxiously biting down her lower lip. She clasps her hands together, trying to formulate how she’s going to break it to him. Eris turns to face Freddie and parts her mouth only to be disrupted by Freddie’s enthusiastic clapping. He rushes towards her, a wide grin etched across his face.

“You will not believe who just phoned tonight!” Still grinning, Freddie’s warm hands held her cold ones. He paused for a quick second, letting the anticipation hold longer and continued, “EMI Records! They’re interested in managing us.”

It was difficult not to feel the weight in Eris’ chest getting heavier. Again, she should be mirroring Freddie’s smile, hugging him and congratulating him, and maybe even dragging him outside so the both of them can go and tell the rest of the guys. But the sadness and pained expression was evident, and it was only natural for Freddie to look confused.

“Are you alright, darling? Gosh, you look pale.” Freddie touched Eris’ cheek then her forehead to check before pulling her to the couch.

“I’m sorry… I…”

“Do you want me to fetch you water? Or do you want to catch some fresh air? Jesus, you look like you’re going to faint.”

“Fred, I need to tell you something.” Eris’ voice was low and somber and Freddie knew right away this was something serious. He sits beside her and stayed quiet, letting Eris take her time. She looks up to him and Freddie grew more concerned seeing the tears build in her eyes.

It pained Freddie to see her like this. Eris had gone through pain but never had he seen her this vulnerable and lost, and to say he was worried was an understatement.

“Darling, please. What is it?” Freddie’s voice came out as a whisper, full desperation laced in those last three words.

“I’m pregnant, Fred.” Eris couldn’t help but free the tears that have been long coming and shamelessly broke down in front of Freddie. She lowered her head down, struggling to catch her breath as Freddie takes in her words. It was silent for a moment, only Eris’ sobs contained the atmosphere.

“Have you told Roger?” was Freddie’s first question. Without looking up, Eris shakes her head, wiping her tears.

“I just found out a while ago, I… Fuck, Freddie. How could I even tell him?”

Eris leans down to rest her elbows against her knees, hands raising to cover her face in frustration. Eris knew Roger loved her, god, the man was obsessed with her, but she was also aware of Roger’s passion and fixation when it comes to music and the future he had pictured for himself and Queen. And the last thing Eris would want to do is ruin it all for him.

Freddie breathes out and holds out his arm to touch Eris’ hand. He gives it a tight squeeze before rising from his seat. He marches down to the kitchen and rummaged through the cupboard while the damsel confusingly waits for him. Minutes later, he comes back with a bottle of wine and two glasses. He sets them in the coffee table, pouring each glass with his and Eris’ favorite Sauvignon Blanc. He hands Eris her drink before taking his own and clinking their glasses.

“So…” He begins, crossing his legs, “What do you want to do?”

This is why Freddie is who Eris’ needs the most at this moment. Freddie and Eris had a fair share of tragic moments together and in those times, it was always Freddie who Eris confided more because of his means of addressing problems. He neither condoles nor sympathize. He refuses to lengthen the misery you’re in by giving words of comfort by saying ‘It’s okay,’ because hell, it is not okay, and you’re in this unfortunate predicament, so what are you going to do about it?

“Should I break up with him?” Eris asks.

“Are you mad?” Freddie almost spit out his drink, appalled at what the words that came out from Eris’ mouth. “Do you honestly think that loved up arse is going to let you break up with him? Not in this life, dear. Try again.”

Eris sighs. “Fred, if there’s anyone in this world who knows him just like I do, it’s you. And you know very well that his priority right now is his career—Queen’s career, to be exact. Not me, not this baby.”

“I’m very much aware, yes.” Freddie nods casually. He adjusts himself in the couch comfortably and takes a sip. “But I’m also sure of the fact that if Queen is his priority right now, then you’re the most important person in his life, not just right now; since you were kids, since we all met in Kensington Market, yesterday, today, and for the rest of his life, unquestionably. He loves you, Eris. More than anything in this world. He’d do anything for you.”

“That’s the thing, Fred,” Eris exhales, fingers fumbling on the glass. “I know he would. And I don’t want him to. He’s come a long way to be where he is right now. I’m not messing it up.”

Freddie stares at Eris skeptically and much longer than usual, not a sound coming out from his mouth. He raises an eyebrow, finishing his second glass this evening.

“What are you planning to do, Eris Gray?” Voice accusing, Freddie folds his arms under his chest and patiently waited, hoping it’s not what he was thinking.

Seconds turned to minutes. The deafening silence wasn’t helping either. For a moment, Eris held her breath, thinking long and hard of this decision she was making. She was not one for impulsiveness, but this was the only solution she could think of, just so Roger could continue with Queen without any distractions.

“I haven’t told this to anyone yet…” Eris briefly closed her eyes, leaning against the couch before blurting it out. “I’m planning to study in the states while Rog works on his music with you guys. I was supposed to tell him tonight, but… this happened, and I think, maybe, this is better for the both of us, you know? Maybe it’s good that we part ways so he could focus more on his career and Queen.”

Freddie kept still for a while. Obviously, he wasn’t delighted with what he was hearing. “Right, so what are you saying?”

Eris sat quietly, not responding. Freddie furrows his eyebrows together, seeking answers before realizing what Eris is planning to do.

“You’re not leaving without telling him… are you?”

Again, Eris gives him no reply. She clasps her hands together and and held them against her lips, not daring to look at Freddie who was starting to have a headache.

“Eris…”

Eris purses her lips together and interrupts him. “I will tell him eventually, but not now.”

Freddie lets himself fall to the couch, dramatically sighing. He puts his arm against his forehead and shakes his head. “God, you’re going to kill him. He’s going to be crushed.”

Eris blinks her tears away before moving closer to Freddie. She reaches to his hand and grips on it. “Please take care of him.”

Freddie rolls his eyes. “You two are a handful, you know that?”

Eris giggles while tears sprung from her eyes, probably the third time this night. God, how much she’s going to miss Freddie, Brian, and John. But nothing aches more than knowing she won’t see Roger, her best friend, soulmate, the love of her life, in a very long time.

[hontou-baka]

personal rant that got way out of hand... life problems ahoy...

i feel so disconnected with tumblr these days

i dont play dnd, i have no interest in the adventure zone, nor do i care about a few of popular animes (yuri on ice, voltron)

the animes im just plain not interested in (okay, and i just hate the fetishism in yoi and its fanbase)

i dont play video games these days because i dont have time or money (so overwatch for example is over my head)

but i dont have time for dnd, nor would that be something i could practically get into with everything else id rather do instead that also is very time consuming (cooking, studies, fitness)

so taz obviously doesnt draw me in at all

yknow. its not just tumblr.

im disconnected from my own life honestly its pathetic.

i dont have money for the expensive healthy ingredients, or anything at all. my account will be overdrawn once my gym membership comes out this month. my bf and i dont know how were gonna pay my sister back the 70 she lent me for a bill last month that we said wed pay her back as soon as my bf gets his first check from this job onthe 8th; but then he had to reset up a payment plan for a hospital bill hes been unable to make because the minimum payment went up to double (from 50 to 100) so it didnt clear in his account in january or february (because he had MAYBE 60 in his account at either point) so now he owes 200 on top of the 100 for march. so his first check is going to be demolished by that because its only a partial since he just started. i dont even start til the 8th and ive been jobless for over a month. we cant afford gas and this shit car we bought with his moms credit card (she gave it to us to do so) has problems and doesnt wanna start sometimes. best buy minimums go up every month, and my credit card minimum went up a little too. im going to have to pay over 200 dollars for not having health insurance last year (my return was gonna be 400 but the penalty is 695) and i finally got a reply from the health insurance marketplace after i sent in my exemption application and you know what they said???? thanks for your interest, heres how to apply!!!!! they just sent me instructions on how to do everything i had just done!!! i waited 3 or 4 weeks for that!!!! so im gonna have to try again and hope they actually look at the application this time!!! my boyfriend donated plasma to make ends meet, and hes had no way to get money off the preloaded card because a different online account is linked to it and every atm weve tried denies the card (one even kept it for security purposes!!! had to wait til the atm was serviced to get it back...) so now his account is overdrawn since nobody could help him with that (many many phone calls to the support line...). i wanted to buy him pod poi for his birthday at the end of the month and flowtoys is having a beta release of a newer better capsule light but i cant afford that!!! i cant afford anything!!! we cant afford anything!!! and our so called fucking friends are touring to oregon, our favorite place in the world that we want to live in, and havent said a word to us about it. i hate them. they have good jobs and blow so much money and one of them is even the reason were even so financially fucked in the first place and hes part of the stupid band thats going to oregon and hes so stoked his dreams are coming true when he is thousands of dollars in debt to my boyfriend and hasnt tried ONCE all these years to pay him a DIME back and im just so... soo... sick... of it all...

soon... its always soon... next check things will be better, next week, next month, next fucking year... i had a chance to make things work and i blew it. i had a full time job that paid well but well no i just had to up and quit because i was depressed!!!! i didnt want to do it and every day i floated further and further away from reality and i had to quit i had to and all of our "friends" think this is our problem, that we wouldnt be in debt and our lives would be perfect if we both "did what we had to do" and sacrificed what little mental health we have left just to make money... sorry we arent neurotypicals spency poo!!! sorry we cant handle jobs that makes us wanna die jayda!!! sorry my family doesnt help me nearly as much as yours do, jason!!! sorry had to spread the plague of your horrible money problems onto my boyfriend brian!!!! sorry we have cats that sit outside your house and eat food we cant afford, granny!!! sorry im not letting you take advantage of me anymore, """mom"""!!!!!! sorry that i couldnt save you, dad.

i cant manage my own life... i cant talk to anyone or socialize i feel like a child... i cant drive and i dont have a working cell phone (havent been able to afford that for 2 years) so i feel so stuck... alone... its hard to talk to people and im sorry, im sorry tippton because you want to hang and weve tried for months to plan something but i just cant move... breathe... think... im sorry busby you probably think i dont care about you but i do... im sorry kirsten i dont have any cute animal memes to send back or even anything to say to anyone ever... its too hard... everythings just so hard...