#she’s honestly right that I’m not eating a lot but it’s because I’ve been depressed

[annoyinglibra]

.

[kitthepurplepotato]

Chapter 16 - A deep conversation

Summary: Deku’s worries float away with Rody’s surprise visit. Literally.

Izuku’s lips get loose after a few pints. (It was one single pint, but don’t tell him I told you that.)

Warnings: mentions of depression, really brief mention of suicide but I swear it’s a cute, fluffy chapter! 😂 also… alcohol. Drink responsibly. Don’t be a Deku.

First Chapter Master List

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“Rody?!” Izuku shrieks, completely dumbfounded.

You can’t help but smile fondly as Rody hugs Izuku and starts muttering death threats into his ears.

“If you ever pull that shit again, I’ll come over on my helicopter and kill you myself, you fucking asshole. You understand, buddy?” Rody mumbles while Pino cries on Izuku’s shoulders, snuggling into his hair. Izuku was right. Rody has the most interesting quirk you’ve ever seen.

“I’m so happy to see you, buddy.” Izuku sniffs because that’s who he is; if an emotion is even a tiny bit stronger than his normal, he cries about it, positive or negative. Rody rolls his eyes, but Pino still cries a river. Honestly, this guy a perfect example of how different humans act in front of of others. It’s mesmerizing. And sad. “I have so much to tell you, oh my god! You know how I got a roommate thanks to Jirou? She’s so pretty and so sweet, Rody, I fell in love with her right away, she’s also a big fan of me and …”

“Izuku, I’m here. I can hear you.” You giggle as Izuku starts to blush aggressively. “Why don’t you have this conversation with him after eating something? You can have a cider or a beer in the garden?”

“What about you?” Izuku gives you his biggest puppy eyes. Rody laughs fondly at your shenanigans.

“Oh boy, you have it bad.”

“Oh boy, he really does.” You giggle to yourself with a slight blush on your face. “I need to finish my commissions, Izu. I’ve been neglecting it in the past few days.” Izuku looks so heartbroken; he’s little libs wobble, his eyes are full of tears and… fuck, you are way too weak against his puppy eyes. “Okay, I’ll leave you two alone for an hour, then I’ll join. But let’s eat first. Rody must be hungry.” You sigh as Izuku attacks you with kisses on your cheeks, because this guy has no shame.

“I guess I don’t need to ask how the rest of the story went.” Rody gives you a knowing smile. Izuku is abssolutely out of it, literally floating around from the happiness. Floating. Like, for real. By the time he makes it into the kitchen he head bumps into the ceiling.

“Wow, are you sure you are not in love with Rody? You haven’t kissed the ceiling before.” You tease your man who only moans, incapable of getting down by himself. “I’ll get the ladder, you keep him away from the window.”

“Yes, sir!” Rody smirks.

You have no idea what’s happening, but one thing is for sure; you haven’t laughed this much in your whole fucking life. You really thought Izuku can not surprise you anymore, but clearly, you have a long way to go before you actually get to know this man. Thank god you have your whole life to get to know him.

~•🥦•~

“So…” Izuku scratches his head awkwardly as he comes back from the bedroom. He decided to call his doctor, just in case. “Apparently, my floating might be the after effect of my meds. The ones I got for my mood.”

“So you got overexcited like those puppies who pee themselves when they see their owner?” Rody chimes in with a smirk on his face. You swear you heard his tummy rumble, but you decide not to mention it yet.

“Basically, yes. I got some meds to lift my mood but I didn’t really need to take them today but I took it out of habit, then… a lot of good things happened and… yeah.”

“Well, at least you didn’t pee yourself.” You tease, tapping the seat next to you with a fond smile. “Come on puppy, Rody is starving.” You giggle as Izuku puts his pretty little bum down on the seat. Rody is so fucking ready to eat it’s actually quite hilarious; you don’t need Pino’s help to know he will devour whatever you put in front of him, even if it tastes like shit (hopefully, it does not.)

Just as expected, Rody jumps on the food right as you pop the serving in from him; you brought a little bowl over for Pino as well, not entirely sure if she eats human food or not, but you definitely did not want her to feel left out. You also brought over some seeds Izuku kept for the birds in his garden, just in case.

“I hope you payed for your ride this time.” Izuku looks at his friend with suspicion. You have no idea why this is the first question that comes out of your boyfriend’s mouth, but there is probably a story behind it.

“Yes and no.” Rody answers honestly and you can see Izuku’s frown deepen at that. “Wait! Jesus, just because I haven’t payed for a bus ride doesn’t mean I’m going to sneak on a fucking plane! That’s actual crime, Izuku!”

“Not paying for a bus ride is also a crime, Rody!” Izuku retorts. At this point, you are just blinking at the two, utterly confused.

“I haven’t payed for the ride itself, because I was the pilot. Your bestie, Katsuki, was nice enough to let me park at your agency’s helipad.” Rody admits. “Some of my friends wanted to visit Japan anyway and as you know, I work at a private jet charter company, so… they chipped in. Every pilot is allowed to use the planes once a year for personal reasons, I usually use mine to take my siblings away from the city but after I heard what happened from Katsuki, I decided to come over.”

So he was worried. That’s so sweet!

“Why didn’t you bring Roro and Lala over?!” Izuku pouts. Rody only laughs at that.

“They have school. They are big enough now to stay alone for a week but I asked my girlfriend to stay over at our house, just in case. They are probably having the time of their lives without me.”

“Your girlfriend?!” Izuku shrieks, almost choking on his soup. You gave him a proper bowl this time because you didn’t want him to feel like a kid in front of his buddy but he still managed to look like one, so all your efforts were in vain.

“Yeah, uhm…” Rody and Pino’s face reddens. “She’s works at the company. Super cute. I had a crush on her since day one. Then we went out drinking together with the guys and uhm… yeah. It’s not too romantic but we haven’t left each other’s side since. Life is great, you know… and I can only thank you for that. You opened my eyes and made me realize I can live a proper life and get money in a respectful way. I wouldn’t be here without you, you know. So thank you. I will bring my siblings over next year. They also want to thank you.”

Needless to say, Izuku cries again. Then he floats. Everyone screams. Thankfully, you manage to grab him before the whole table flips.

~•🥦•~

“Life has been hectic. I don’t… I don’t know what’s going to happen, you know. With my career, I mean. I might lose my spot… hell, I probably will.” Izuku mutters, playing with the condensation on his almost empty glass.

Saying that Izuku is okay now is an overstatement. The last few weeks were terrible. Everything felt empty, like he’s only a shell, an empty vessel with needs and desires, but they all felt so distant, so fake, he had to force himself to actually eat and shower. It was a struggle to keep himself alive, especially in the first week. The pain was excruciating, being unable to move was frustrating the hell out of him and not even the hot bubble bath and the massive amount of medicine could soothe his troubled soul and broken body. He hurt the most important person in his life, daily, he made Sweet Pea cry every night; he could hear it sometimes, barely there but loud enough for him to notice during the sleepless nights. He has so much atoning to do, so much to make up for but he also needs to heal so he can save people again and it’s really hard to find the perfect middle ground. He’s so happy but he’s also not… it’s like he’s in the pink clouds, but with weights pulling his legs down and he needs to work hundred times harder with to stay up there while before it was easy as breathing. Izuku wants to be his old self, he really wants to; he misses his old, silly self, or to be exact, he misses when he didn’t feel dread after every laugh, thinking that be should be out on the field, fighting instead of having fun with his girlfriend. Izuku knows this is something every hero needs to go through at least once; All Might himself told him he also felt the same when he had to retire, this constant guilt and dread every time he dared to feel happy about something. It’s normal but it doesn’t make it easier to endure.

“Does she know?” Rody gives Izuku a sad smile.

“Of course. She also knows I’m genuinely happy when I’m with her, I’m glad we can have some time together, to finally talk about our future and get used to each other properly. We didn’t have time to do that you know.” Izuku sighs. “I could barely be home. All she’s done in the past few weeks was waiting for me to come home and see me for a few hours. I couldn’t ruin that time with talking about deep stuff, but now we can actually… talk. It doesn’t make it that much easier though. I can’t lift this glass with my other hand, you know. I’m aware of it and it’s killing me. I would be completely useless if it’s not for black whip. But then she looks at me like I’m the most perfect human being on this whole planet, her pretty eyes shining and… I almost believe it’s true. That this is temporary and I’ll be back to my old self in a heartbeat. It’s not the truth though. I’ll get my heart broken several times before I make my way back to being a hero… and I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready to give up on being the number one. I worked my ass off for it. I cried blood, I sweat blood, yet here I am, on the verge of loosing everything. It makes me question if it was worth it, leaving my mother alone in that house, leaving Sweet Pea alone for days, weeks, breaking her heart over and over because I couldn’t make it home.” Rody is about to say something but Izuku stops him. Rody stays quiet but he slowly moves the glass of cider away from him, even though it’s already almost empty. “I know I’m being stupid. I know this is all in my head. The vestiges tell me that every day. They were talking to me so much when I was in my deepest, darkest phase. Whispering into my ears, telling me I did well, telling me this is not the end. I know that. I know I’m going to work my ass off again and again to get back where I was, it just sucks that I need to.”

“It’s normal to be frustrated when life isn’t going the way you wanted it to.” Rody mutters. “It suck even more when you loose your path thanks to something you can’t control. I know, I’ve been there.” He sighs. “When I lost everything after my father disappeared and I had to take care of two kids when I was supposed to be enjoying my youth, I was really frustrated. It only got worse once I realized I can’t make any money legally thanks to my age. There was a point when I wanted to end it all because I didn’t see the point in fighting. I felt like every step I make just makes the situation worse. But then I thought about my siblings. I thought about their future and about how I can at least make sure they have a good life. Without me, they would’ve been taken away. That kept me going. Then I met you. This is not the end, Deku. Once you fall deep enough, it’s only up from there. That’s what I want you to remember when the hero ratings are out.”

“You are right. I’m being an idiot. I have a roof above my head, enough money in the bank to cover my absence, I have amazing friends, family and an amazing girlfriend.” Izuku admits. “My friends are amazing heroes who can cover for me. It’s not the end of the world.”

“You are an idiot, yes, but I would question your humanity if you wouldn’t have thoughts like that. You are not a robot. You are doing really good compared to your circumstances, but don’t let that stop you from feeling like shit sometimes. Let the frustration out. Don’t bottle it up. This is your one chance to be a real human being without any consequences. Enjoy it. Heal yourself. Let us help, we are here for you.”

Izuku can’t help the tears, and he doesn’t want to; he lets them out, salty streaks trailing down his cheeks as he cuddles into his friend, body shaking like a leaf.

“I’ll be fine, because you guys are with me.” He cries. He feels weirdly dizzy all of a sudden. Hm. Interesting. “I’ll be fine because I want to have fun with everyone. I want to live my life with no regrets. I’ll do my best so I can welcome Roro and Lala with a smile on my face. I’ll do my best, Rody. I will!”

While Rody is clearly laughing at Izuku’s sudden shenanigans, Pino is bawling together with him so Izuku knows he’s not actually being laughed at.

“Okay, sweetheart, you had way too much drink.” Sweet Pea comes into Izuku’s view, giggling with teary eyes. Did she hear him? Was he yelling?

“I’ll make you happy!” Izuku yells into Y/N’s face, because… well… because he can. “I’ll make you really-really happy! And I’ll marry you! We will have five kids! You hear me?”

“Three kids max, Izu. Now let’s put you to bed.”

“But I don’t wanna!!!!”

“Hm.” Rody snickers to himself. “Only two more to go, you clearly have one kid already.”

“HEY!!!!!!!!”

“Why are you yelling?” Y/N giggles.

“Because I will make you happy! Can we get that dog now? I’ll name him All Bark.” Both of them burst out laughing. Why is he being manhandled right now?! He’s completely fine! He can make his way towards the bedroom himself, thank you very much! Okay, maybe once he started crying the booze went into his head a tiny bit but he’ll get better in no time!

“Okay, sweetie, it’s bed time. Rody’s staying in my room today, you guys can chat some more in the morning! Rody needs to sleep, he had a long ride.”

That’s fair. Izuku can live with that.

“Okay…”

~•🥦•~

Secret Winter Cabin Trip! Sponsored by Rody

Eijirou: Hey everyone! Izuku’s friend from Otheon is in town and would like to invite you all to a special “winter wonderland” trip! It’s a 3 days trip, private plane and private cabins! Make yourselves free if you can!

Shouto: What’s the point if I can’t be the driver?

Eijirou: You can still call names and be in charge!

Amajiki-kun: Why am I here?

Eijirou: Because Izuku likes you and you never come out drinking! You can bring your support animal!

Katsuki: You are here because Eijirou’s been moaning about not seeing you for ages.

Mirio: I’m the support animal! And I’m in!

Iida: Sadly, I can’t make it this time! Send me photos, please!

Mina: Ahh, such a bummer! I also can’t make it 😭

Katsuki: Nah, not coming

Mina: LOL, good joke.

Katsuki: I know

Kyouka: Count me in!

Kaminari: Me and my buddy are coming too!

Shinsou: Well, apparently I’m coming, thanks for asking before you wrote that in the group chat you asshole

Momo: I’m coming! I’ll keep an eye on everyone!

Shouto: Wait… winter cabin? It’s not… winter?

Katsuki: I can’t believe it took 30 minutes for someone to question that part. My friends are fucking idiots.

Kaminari: OMGOMG Bakubro called us friends 😭

Katsuki: That was not the point, second hand Pikachu.

Amajiki-kun: I was too scared to mention that.

Eijirou: Don’t worry about the details. You’ll see! Bring warm clothes!

… Next Chapter!

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Potato ramble:

- Hey guys! I made a Ko-fi page just in case you guys would like to support me! Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop writing if I don’t get any donations nor will I start writing quicker if I do! (I literally can’t. I’m writing every day after work already 😂) I also don’t do prompts for money, so please don’t send me any on that site! I’ll make a proper post about this in the future! My main reason to do this is that I really wanted to start digital drawing this year but I ended spending my iPad money on getting my stupid laptop repaired so… every penny helps 😂

Click here if you want to check my page or donate! Thank you!

TL: @garfieldthomas @porusuniverse @stickygumchewer @sixxze @mily-moo @aei-sedai-moiraine @aymasakusa @katsuari @kenzie-deadly @shiviwrites07 @lukerycyja-reblogs @cloroxisadelectabletreat @coffeent @kisskissshutmydoor @bobcar1 @yazminetrahan @cringefan @ronimacaroni77 @themultifandomgirl @dangerousluv1 @emperatris-rinaka @shotos-angelic-whore @angelsdemonsmonsters @norvacaine @rei165 @unofficialmuilover @yao-ai @happydragonfrog @eeerreehhh @vinivave

[emilyssky]

Chapter 9: Burning Bridges

PAIRING: Lee Know! X fem!reader

GENRE(S): college au, smut, angst

WARNINGS: Mentions of violence and abuse, depression, self-harm, eating disorders etc.. mentions of blood, swearing, smoking, smut [ dirty talk, oral; giving and receiving, choking, spanking, praising, degradation, pet names, sometimes Minho is a dick :)

SUMMARY: "Do you remember what you told me the first time we met?"

  "What?"

"You said; Always leave people a little better than you found them" he looked at the floor with a small smile for a few seconds and then his eyes found mine.

 "You really annoyed me when we first met. I envied your optimism and excitement for life. But each time I saw you, I felt a certain thrill. You made me angry, you made me laugh., you made me feel everything. Something about you made me feel a little more alive each time. I know I fucked up and I know I'm an asshole but I'm also brutally in love with you."  

"Get up!" Emma tries to pull the blanket away from my body but I grip it tighter.

"No."

She narrows her eyes, her lips turning into a thin line. She looks adorable. "Get up or I'm calling Chan."

Now it's my turn to narrow my eyes at her. "Low of you to threaten me like that."

"Low of you to stay locked in your room moping over his black cat wannabe best friend rejecting you." She fires back with a smirk on her lips, knowing that her words will get a rise out of me.

I throw the blanket away. "First of all, he didn't reject me, I just realized that nothing is going to happen because I keep going after emotionally unavailable and mentally damaged men." I cross my arms. "And second, don't bring Chan into this, he's not my dad. Now please, let me mourn my failed situationship in peace."

"No." She scoffs. "I will not let you be sad about a guy, let alone a guy that you had nothing with. Get yourself together."

I sigh, pressing my fingers to my temples. For the past 4 days, I haven't left my apartment at all. I get up with a horrible headache, I clean my room, I study, I drink my coffee, I watch Netflix, I take a shower and then I lay in my bed and read until I fall asleep, which rarely happens. So every night I stay up until 5 am, thinking and analyzing everything that's happening in my life right now. Things I could have done differently or how easier my life would be if I just give up on everything and move across the world, maybe to Paris or London. I could open a small cafe, pet friendly, and live the rest of my life peacefully.

"Look babe," She takes my hand in hers and gives me a soft, comforting look. "He feels something for you, he is interested in you but I really don't think that this is something that you wanna get involved in right now." I can tell that she's trying to be really careful with her words.

I frown. "What do you mean? Do you know something I don't?"

"No, no" She shakes her head. "It's just that-" she sighs. "Look I like Minho, I have nothing against him but there are a lot of red flags, and considering your last relationship I just don't wanna see you get involved in something that I can tell it's not gonna end well and it's gonna hurt you."

My heart tightens and for a moment, just for a second, I wanna tell her everything. I wanna let her know all of the secrets I've been keeping about myself and show her the real me. But that moment is gone as fast as it came, just like every time. I completely understand where she's coming from and she's right. I need to heal and I need people in my life that know what they want and don't play games with me.

I nod my head, lifting the sleeves of my hoodie to rub my face. "I know, you're right."

She scoots next to me, wrapping her arms around my body. "Just let it be and whatever happens, happens, but you and your emotions come first alright?" She nuzzles her small face in the crook of my neck.

I nod again, silently grateful for her. I honestly don't know what I would I've done without her by my side, every fucking day.  "I love you." I whisper to her and mean it.

                                                  *:･ﾟ✧ ⋆ ࣪.* ࣪

"You know, I really like Seungmin and I'm happy that you finally have a boyfriend but I've missed spreading time with you." I flip that pancake once more before stacking it on top of the rest. Emma cancelled her breakfast date with Seungmin to stay and spend the day with me, so I decided to make her breakfast. She loves pancakes. I used to love them too.

"They smell so good, oh my god." She groans above my shoulder, her face twitching with pleasure just from the scent that has now filled our small apartment.

"They're ready." I giggle, taking the plate in my hands. We make our short way to the living room and settle on the couch. While I was making the pancakes Emma made 2 coffees for both of us and cut up some fruit to go with the pancakes. She takes a seat beside me on the couch and immediately begins to assemble her plate. She spreads some Nutella before putting a few strawberries on top. I try not to look too much but I can feel my stomach growling at the sight. It has been ages since I've eaten pancakes and as I look at Emma, absolutely devouring her plate without any guilt whatsoever, the familiar feeling of jealousy starts to spread. Emma's a musical theater dancer and a really talented one. In the past year, she has also taken an interest in filmmaking but she is still a dancer nevertheless. She's a bit shorter than me, only about a few inches, and blessed with a naturally perfect body. She has never been told or needs really to go on any sort of diet, nor has she ever restricted her food choices. She, of course, tries to eat healthy just like all of us but in reality, she can eat anything she wants and not gain a single pound.

I drop my eyes. "I wish I could eat like you."

"You can." She sends me a glare.

Emma has been so supportive of me with my eating disorder and my mental health in general, but while living with another person can be helpful, it can also be really triggering at times. Seeing her have such a healthy relationship with food makes me envious but also motivates me to get through this and reach that point myself. It's just hard.

"Easier said than done."

"You're not going to be able to keep up with this much longer." She says with her mouth full.   "This isn't a joke, it's what we've been working on for so long. You need to take care of your body."

"Yeah I know, I'm trying." Is all I can say once again. She holds her gaze on me a little longer, letting me know that she's tired of hearing me say that. "Let's change the subject." I clear my throat.

She swallows her last bite and puts her plate on the coffee table before she crosses her arms across her chest with a knowing smile. "Fine, let's talk about Minho."

I roll my eyes. "Pass."

"You like him?"

"Not answering that." I take a sip of my coffee, to avoid eye contact.

"You like him." She repeats, this time as a statement.

"I don't." I feel myself getting defensive for some reason. "He just seemed...interesting."

Her smile grows. "You know that, that's the same thing right?"

My phone starts ringing from the kitchen counter and I let a breath out, thankful for whoever is calling. Hyunjin's name flashes across the screen.

"Hey. " I answer, returning to the couch.

"Hello, sunshine." He greets back.

Emma touches my arm. "Who is it?"

'Hyunjin' I mouth.

"How are you?" I ask him.

"Better? I guess..." He hesitantly says. "But I'm getting there. Thanks for coming yesterday, it meant a lot."

"It was nothing, you're one of my best friends." Hyunjin was really there for me last year so the least I can do is try to be there for him just as much. "And when you feel better, we can go and beat her ass and his together. " I joke, but low-key I would have no problem doing it.  Especially after finding out that it was one of Jackson's friends.

"We can do that after New Year's." He reminds me.

"Ah, yes." I bring my hand to my forehead. "I forgot about that."

"What?" Emma pulls my sleeve, trying to listen to our conversation. I hold my hand up in front of her, quietly telling her to wait at which she pouts.

"I'm gonna have to talk to him." He sighs.

"What?" My tone rises. "You?"

"Who else is gonna do it Y/n? Chan will beat the shit out of him, Felix won't even talk about it, and there's no way I'm asking Em." He sounds frustrated.

"We could just not go to that club you know," I state the obvious. "There are plenty of other clubs that we could go to."

"Yeah, but there are going to be live performances there Y/n." He whines.

Personally, I don't give a shit about the performances but everyone else wants to go and all the other clubs are going to be packed for sure, so it's gonna be hard for all 9 of us to get in.

"I could  talk to him." I offer. I would actually rather not see his face ever again but I know that the only way that we could get in is if I'm the one to talk to him.

"Absolutely no." He cuts me off sharply.

"Hyunjin-"

"No," He raises his tone. "There's no way I would let you voluntarily speak to that piece of shit after everything that happened plus you know that if Chan finds out he gonna kill you and then he's gonna kill me."

It pisses me off that everyone thinks that they have to protect my feelings so badly, I appreciate it but I've been through more than they know with him. "Do you want to get in the club or not?"

He stays silent for a few seconds. "I'll figure it out. Don't do anything stupid. I'll see you at the party." He says and hangs up.

"What party?" I question out loud.

"The farewell party Y/n, focus." She laughs, already making her 3rd pancake.

"It's happening at their frat this year?" The farewell party happens every 23rd of December for the students that are leaving for the holidays and it's also a way great way to celebrate the end of the semester. Both of the times I've experienced it are incredibly memorable.

"Yep. All of the guys are super excited."

I had totally forgotten about it. "Is Seungmin coming?" I hesitantly ask but she sees right through me.

"Yes, and the rest of the boys too."

Great.

.

.

.

.

.

I groan, turning to my right side for what feels like the 100th time. It's all I've been doing for the past hour, twisting and turning around my bed, unable to sleep. My conversation with Hyunjin keeps playing over and over in my mind, and can not seem to shake the feeling that something is gonna go wrong. I understand why Hyunjin doesn't think that I should be the one to talk to Jackson and I appreciate that he tries to protect me but I know Jackson. He's sneaky and revengeful and I'm not comfortable with any of my friends talking to him, especially asking for favors. Who knows what he'll say or ask in return? I know that I have to be the one to talk to him and If anyone can get him to let us in the club, it's gonna be me. It has to.

I push the covers away, leaving the comfort of my bed. I pull a pair of sweats over my bare legs and a black hoodie before stopping at my full-length mirror across my bed to quickly check myself a bit. I rub my hands over my eyes, trying to get them to look a bit more awake and less tired and I run a hand throw my tangled hair attempting to somewhat fix it but it's useless. I open my bedroom door as quietly as I can and tiptoe across the hall. There's no light coming  from Emma's door so she's probably sleeping. I put my shoes on, grab my jacket and walk out of the door trying not to make any noise.

The walk to his apartment is painfully familiar and a mix of feelings rushes through me as I make my way down the streets that a year we would walk together or I would run to get to his place as fast as I could, full of excitement to see him. I was a whole different person back then and the more I think about it the more I'm convinced that If I could speak to my past self I would definitely slap me. I'm ashamed and embarrassed by how I let myself be treated and stayed with him regardless, but the pain that he caused me changed me and looking back, I never wanna be that person again. I wanna bury the past and never have to think of it ever again, yet the memories haunt me still and the idea of what happened coming out scares me. That's why I'm now standing outside his door at 11: 46 p.m. I don't wanna be scared anymore, I want to let go of that part of myself. Minho was right, I was being weak and hiding not only from everyone else but from myself as well. I wanted to pretend that it never happened, hoping that by ignoring it, everything will go away. But everything stayed with me and ate me alive for a whole year. I need this to stop. I knock at his door twice and take a step back. The nail of my index finger scratches repeatedly the side of my thumb and my leg bunches up and down as I try to control my nerves. I haven't faced him in so long, not like this at least. I have occasionally seen him around campus, or at parties where he would approach me, but it would never be for long, someone would appear or I would leave. Now I'm the one that's coming to him.  I hear noises behind the door and I take a deep breath, preparing myself.

He freezes, and his eyes widen slightly, only for a few seconds. He leans against the doorway and crosses his arms. I tighten the muscles in my jaw, not wanting my face or eyes to give out any emotion.

"I have to admit; I missed the sight of you standing in my doorway." He speaks softly. He looks like he was about to go to bed, with loose gray sweatpants hanging low on his hips and nothing to cover his well-toned upper body.

I keep my eyes on his face. "I wanna talk."

He lifts an eyebrow. "Now you wanna talk? I've been up your ass for a year." I cross my own arms as he lets his eyes travel down my body. "What do you want Y/n?"

"Can I come in?" I ask, ignoring his question.

His eyes spark and he pushes his bottom lip outwards, shrugging. He steps to the side, allowing me access to his living room that I know too well. I take a few steps into the room and study the place with my eyes. Everything looks the same, exactly as I left them. I remember the last night I was here, it was about a week before I went over to the frat house where most of his friends were staying, and ironically enough it was also where we first met back in my first year of college. We started casually hooking up until it became an everyday thing. Until he started staying the night, until we started talking after sex, until the pet names started and the dates off campus. Everyone knew we were hooking up but none knew what our actual relationship was. I never truly understood his need to keep us a secret but every fight about it would never end up changing the situation whatsoever. I don't know when the sweet moments turned into yelling, fighting, and crying. It was small things at first that my mind would not think much about, the small pushes, the slamming into walls, and breaking things near me out of anger. He was a lot, an extremely emotional person that never learned to deal with his emotions. A lot of times it felt like he just needed a person by his side to unleash all of the things that he grew up burying and most of the time I was that person. Half of our fight started from him, and my constant desire to understand him and be closer to him. But then again one thing I do best is romanticizing things. People, feelings, situations in general, everything. The moment that the realization of our situation finally sunk in was after a little more than half a year into the relationship after yet another party. I could feel his fingers on my neck for days after, his alcohol-filled breath fanning my face, and the sharp pain of the brick wall at the back of my head from the force that he pushed me to it, and everything went downhill from then and the next 2 months things started to change. He would beg and he would promise and things would be good until something would happen again.  One night I had enough, I loved him but I couldn't take it anymore, so I went over to the frat knowing that that was where he was, and left with my heart ripped out of my chest. A bet. A joke. A girl he pretended to not give a shit about in public but promised the world in private. I was broken.

"Do you want anything to drink?" I hear him offering, as he closes the door.

I shake my head, keeping my arms crossed as I make my way to his couch and sit down. He follows me taking a seat next to me, leaving some space between us. He stares at my face, studying me as if he hasn't seen me in ages and honestly, I let myself do the same. As much as I hate to admit it, he looks as handsome as ever.

"You wanted to talk." He breaks the silence, stating.

My mind snaps back, trying to focus on all of the things I wanted to say to him, but I say nothing, my mind goes blank.

"You wanted to talk about us?" He presses, in a tone that makes me think that he's hoping I say yes but I shake my head.

"I wanted to ask you about something." I keep my voice steady.

He breaks into a silent laugh, throwing his head back. "I've been begging you to let me explain for months and now you show up at my door to ask me a favor?"

My eyes leave his face, his words shaking my confidence, and I feel myself regretting my decision of coming here tonight.

"Save it, " He continues, waving me off with his head. "I know what you want, one of your dogs already asked me."

My eyebrows come together."What?"

He rolls his eyes, getting impatient. "Hyunjin." He clarifies. "He asked me this afternoon."

Damn him and his stubborn ass.

"Jackson-"

"Are you with someone?" His question catches me off guard. "Have you moved on?"

"Yes." I lie, loud and clear even though I haven't touched a single soul after him. Only flirted with people out of desperation to forget him and boredom but nothing more. His shoulders drop a little like he wasn't expecting my answer, and confidence sparks inside me. I'm not used to having the upper hand with him.

"I can't." He says.

A bitter laugh escapes me. "Bullshit. Not that I care anymore but I know for a fact that you fucked your way through campus ever since we broke up."

"I'm trying." His hands come up to his face and slide down his hair. "I've been trying but none feels like you." He moves closer in a sudden, swift movement, and my body jerks back out of instinct.

"Don't come near me." My hand lifts in front of my face, my heart begins to raise and my mask starts to crumble yet he seems unfazed. He grabs my hand, lowering it and pulling me by it closer to him.

"Y/n, you know me, please." His eyes beg. "I know I hurt you, I know and I'm so fucking sorry." His face starts to shift and emotion takes over his expression. "But baby, I miss you. I need you back. I fucked this up but you were my rock and I want you back. Sometimes my anger takes over me and I'm working on it, I really am, but I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt." He lifts his other hand to the side of my face, his thumb creasing over my cheekbone.

I stay still, keeping my eyes as emotionless as I possibly can even though my heart is aching at his words. And maybe if this had happened a few months ago, I would have given in to him in a second but I'm not the scared, easily manipulated little girl he knew anymore.

"No." I shake my head. "I wasn't your rock, I was your punching bag." I spit, moving away from his grip. "You abused me." My heart tightens as the words leave my mouth. "You wanted someone to be there for you and accept all your shit. That's not love."

His face absolutely drops at my words. "No, no." He shakes his head repeatedly. "It wasn't like that."

I silently curse myself as I feel the familiar sting in my chest. "It's over." My words make him freeze. "That's why I came here. I've been torturing myself with this for so long and I wanna let it go. " I inhale through my nose. "I was naive and I mistook what we had for love, You abused me in every way possible. You don't manipulate or hit or fuck over the people you love Jackson." My eyes fall hard on his face, wanting to make sure that my words hurt him as much as possible but the pain only reaches his eyes. The rest of his face stays still like a statue.

"You're not thinking straight right now." His eyes narrow. "It's that fucker from the party, right? He got in your head. Does he know about us?"

"None knows." I immediately answer, realizing that he's talking about Minho. "I promised you that none will find out. And I kept that promise."

"Who is he?" His focus stays on Minho.

"None important." I lie for the second time. I know Jackson, he's an incredibly jealous person and he can go to great lengths when he wants something. I don't want Minho getting involved in this.

I can tell by his expression that he doesn't believe me. "Look, I just wanted to say this so that I can finally close this chapter. None knows and I don't want anyone to ever find out either." I remind him. He knows damn well what kind of damage something like that will do to his reputation and most importantly to his career if it comes out. I think that's the only reason why he agreed to not say anything as well.

"Baby-" His hand touches my knee and I put my own hand over his to stop it.

"I don't forgive you." I softly say. "I can't. I have to respect myself and move on. I understand you, and I wanted to help you but I'm done." I pull his hand away.

"I will not stop and you know it. I'll do everything to get you back." He gets up, his body towering over me in my seated position. "You'll come back, you'll see. You always do." He kneels slightly, his face coming right in front of mine. I hold my breath, steeling my muscles and tightening my jaw. His fingers brush my cheek lightly as they make their way down to my neck, griping it before I have the chance to pull away. My hands turn into fists on my knees.

He presses his lips to my temple. "And I'll make sure he knows that." He whispers. He plants one last soft kiss on my forehead and lets me go. He turns around and walks towards the hall while I stay frozen in my seat.

He stops near the door. "You can tell your little friend group that they can come to the club under one condition." He doesn't wait for me to ask before clarifying, looking at me over his shoulder. "You stick with me. You stay at my table the whole night. Under my arm. Your friends and your boy toy can watch you from afar." He lifts both of his eyebrows, in a challenging way keeping the muscles of his jaw tight. "See yourself out." He says and disappears down the hall.

.

.

.

.

.

It's been 2 days since I talked to Jackson and 3 days until Christmas. I haven't seen or talked to anyone since that night. Emma has been trying her best to brighten my mood in any way possible but in all honestly I just need some space, I need to be alone. Alone to think and put everything in order in my head. I thought I was strong enough to deal with this, ready to face it, to face him, but I was wrong. It was too much, more than I could handle emotionally, and definitely not a good idea. God, I should have listened to Hyunjin and kept myself out of this. Now not only did I fucked up our chances of going to that stupid club but I also targeted Minho for him. I haven't seen him since he dropped me off almost a week ago but I'll be lying if I said that I haven't been thinking about him, cause I have. Every day since then. More than I should. The sure thing is that he doesn't want anything to do with me and as much as it bothers me the last thing I wanna do is get him involved in my personal problems. Again. Emma is out on a date with Seungmin, she wanted to cancel and stay home with me but there's no chance in hell that I would let her do that. She's already done so much in the past few days that she owns it to herself to have fun with her boyfriend. On the other hand, I am sinking further on the couch with a half-empty glass of red wine, watching the second season of The Vampire Diaries for probably the 20th time. I snuggle under my blanket, feeling so comfortable that I could stay like this forever. But sadly, that's not the case cause the sound of the doorbell followed by a loud banging on the door makes me groan so loud that I hope the person outside the door thinks I'm a dog and leaves. The banging continues, getting louder by the second. Who could be banging at my door so aggressively at 11 p.m. on a Thursday night? I lift myself off the couch but my legs start to slow down as the possibility of Jackson being the person standing on the other side of my door runs through my mind and my hand stops at the door nob. Another loud bang makes me flinch backwards and snaps me back to reality. I shake the thought off my head and open the door.

My eyes lock with his and a small gasp leaves my lips at how close he's standing, leaning in with both hands resting on the doorway. He keeps his head low, his dark eyes full of anger shooting up as we come face to face. A few seconds of silence pass as neither of us speaks. I don't even dare to breathe properly.

"As I was walking here I was trying to decide whether is it that you have a death wish or that you're simply stupid."

I blankly stare at him, my mind not working, unable to process what I'm seeing. He was definitely the last person I was expecting to see right now. He moves his head, kinda like he's nodding impatiently, expecting me to say something and I realize that my mouth has fallen slightly open.

"Like," Minho lets out a sharp, breathy laugh. "You're really fucking testing me right now."

I silently take him in, and a weird feeling rushes through me. Weird but in a good way, kinda like my eyes have missed the sight of him. It seems like my silence begins to annoy him cause his grip on the doorway visibly tightens. I notice the redness that covers his nose and cheeks and his slightly damp hair. Is it raining? Did he walk all the way here?

"What are you doing here?" I finally find my voice, stuttering a little. "What are you talking about?"

He doesn't answer, instead, he pushes past me, knocking me with his shoulder and entering the living room, not expecting any kind of permission.

"Sure, come in. " I mumble closing the door.

His thick boots make a squeaky sound as he paces around the living room, just like he did the first time I saw him, and that time I found him practicing at the studio. From the little experience I have with him, I know it means that he's possibly upset. "Well?"

He stops to face me. "I was at the frat, I went to see Chan." His voice is low and steady and his eyes are so focused on mine as if he's waiting to catch any reaction to his words. But even though my nerves are growing by the second, I tighten the muscles on my face, keeping it still.

"And?" I cross my arms.

"We were casually chatting until a very, very disturbing call interrupted us." He continues, slowly building his story. My stomach tightens, having an idea where this is going and silently praying that I'm wrong.

"Hyunjin told you to stay out of it." He spits through his teeth and I feel like a huge weight has fallen on me out of nowhere, forcing my shoulders to slouch. Shortly after I left Jackson's apartment I realized just how unhelpful what I had done was, it only provoked him more, and now he's gonna make it everybody's problem.

"Look I just-"

"How-" He raises his voice, shutting me up immediately but stops and pinches the bridge of his nose instead, giving himself a few seconds. "How, in your mind, did it make sense for you to go and talk to him?" He says in a lower tone.

"What did he say to Hyunjin? Does Chan know?" I ask instead.

"That's what you care about?" He clenches his teeth.

This is the last thing that I expected to happen. Minho finding out and showing up at my door wasn't one of the possible ways this could've gone and my stomach actually turns to the idea that Jackson said anything to Hyunjin or Chan. Then again neither of them has called or texted me about it, which is odd if they actually do know anything.

"Actually yeah. " I'm careful with my words and tone. "I can take care of myself, I don't need any of you to worry about me or take care of me. And let's be honest, I was the only one that could convince him to let us in that club."

"Oh, 'cause he cares about you so much right?" His laugh is dripping with irony. "Cause if you were the one to him he would do as you pleased 'cause you're so fucking special to him right?" His cruel words shake me. "Oh my god, get over yourself Y/n. He fucking abused you for months. He doesn't give a shit about you." His laugh is gone and he lets his anger take over. "And you think it's okay for you to go to him, to his fucking place alone to talk about a stupid club?" He throws his hands in the air.

My hands turn into fists and I take a step towards him. "And what was I supposed to do huh?" I yell back. "Let Hyunjin or Chan go talk to him and risk Jackson saying anything to them?"

"Why it's so important to keep it a secret?" His eyes search mine.

"Cause I want to! " My vision begins to get blurry as the words rip through my throat. "I don't want anyone to know."

He takes a step as well, getting into my face. " Well, I do. I know." His chest rises and falls intensely as he tries to calm himself. "And don't expect me to sit here and let you go anywhere near that piece of shit." His face is hard and his eyes completely dark, looking down at me. "No fucking way." He shakes his head.

I feel shivers dancing down my spine from his words, and I bite my lip instinctively. His eyes drop to my mouth for a second.  "I'm not your responsibility." I find my voice again. Even though his protectiveness makes my stomach tighten in the best way possible, I'm tired of relying on other people. I wanna be strong enough to support myself. "And you shouldn't care what I do or don't do."

His lips form a thin line. "You're not going to the club with him and you're not going near him ever again."

Is that what he said to Hyunjin on the phone? That we're only allowed to come if I go with him?

"Is that what you care about? You want to make sure that I won't crawl back to him?" I straighten my back. Does he actually think I'm so weak that I'll run back to him?

"Wil you?" He fires back in a second and my heart actually tightens. For some reason, I truly thought that he would be the one to understand. His past is so similar to mine that I thought that he would actually see me and not think of me like everyone would if they knew the truth. Clearly, I was wrong.

I can feel my face falling, all my muscles loosen, my body and mind somehow defeated by the way he's looking at me right now. "Do you care about me?" I ask the question that has been burning inside my mind for days and hold his questioning gaze, hoping to see any sort of shift or emotion in it. Something to confirm that, there is something. Anything. That it's not just me that feels this way toward him. I need a sign cause I know that there's no way he's actually gonna tell me the truth.

"Do you?" I ask again cause he says nothing. "Cause if you don't then, get out." I point out the door. "You made it pretty clear that you don't want anything from me, so why are you showing up at my door acting like this?" He stays silent, frozen almost with his jaw locked and his eyebrows frowned, only his eyes moving and following my fanatic movements as my anger builds. "You're just like every other dude, you want the validation of me running behind you." I move right into his face. "You don't care, you just wanna play with me. And I won't give you the satisfaction."

His jaw clenches and his eyes twitch with anger. He leans in, dangerously close but I hold my ground. I keep my eyes on his clouded ones, my chin facing upwards, suppressing how intimidated I actually am by how sharply he exhales through his nose and how his fingers clench and unclench into fists. His nose almost touches mine and I try to stop my eyes from flickering to his lips. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about." He says through his teeth, almost growling.

"Then prove me wrong." I challenge him. I wanna push him. I want him to tell me that he cares.

He makes a harsh sound and his hand comes to wrap around my neck. His grip is loose yet strong enough to make my heartbeat rise. "Why are you doing this?"

"Cause you're full of shit." I keep my tone strong and steady. "And you think you have a saying to what I can and can't do. You're nothing to me." My lips begin to form a small smirk.

"I'm nothing to you?" His grip tightens slightly, and I look at him through my lashes. His tongue comes out to wet his lips, drawing my attention.

"Yes." I breathe out.

He chuckles lightly and backs me out until my back hits the door. His free hand comes up next to my head to rest on the door.

God, please kiss me.

"Let me make myself really, really clear here okay angel?" Each word comes out breathy on my lips, light and smooth but powerful enough to make my thighs come together. "I don't wanna hear, or see or know that you came in contact with him in any way humanly possible unless it involves the domestic violence department of the police and I want him as far away from you as possible. This is not me being possessive about something that's not mine, this is me being protective about something I want safe."

Tell me you care. Say it.

His eyes search mine as if he's trying to see if his response is enough.

"I'm trying to keep my distance but it's really hard to do that when you're pulling shit like this." His thumb comes up to my chin while his other fingers stay wrapped around my neck.

"Why?" I whisper. Why is he holding back?

He shakes his head. "Cause I can't. I can't." He closes his eyes for a second, collecting himself. "I don't want to. "

"Talk to me." My voice comes out almost like a whine. "I don't understand you."

He takes a breath, his lips brushing mine, and my body freezes. He toys around a bit, brushing our noses together until his lips fall to mine lightly, almost like a peck. Like a ghost of a kiss, a light brush of softness. He pulls away to look at me and I can see the hesitation in his eyes, so I lean in, silently telling him to continue but he doesn't. He doesn't cause my phone begins to ring and it's almost like it snaps him back to reality. His hand drops from my neck and his gaze falls to the ground. His other hand stays next to my head, that I lightly bang against the door, annoyed. I pull my phone out of my pocket, seeing Jackson's name across the screen. I look at Minho. His eyebrows frown, and a questioning expression paints his face as he leans in to look at my screen. His expression hardens immediately and he reaches to grab the phone from my hand.

I pull away. "No."

"Give me the phone, I'll talk to him." He demands.

"No," I say again and hang up. "I don't wanna provoke him."

"What will he do?" He narrows his eyes.

"You don't know him." I shake my head.

He throws his head back, groaning. "Here we go again. Running in fucking circles."

"Minho, this is not your problem." I sternly say. It's not Chan's or Hyunjin's or anyone's. And I hate it whenever anyone else gets involved. I have to do this for myself.  " I'll deal with this on my own."

"I want-"

"I know." I groan, cutting him off. "But you don't have to. And you don't have to feel the need to just because of your past. I'm not you mo-" I stop myself, my eyes slightly widening realizing what I was about to say. He stiffens completely and his expression goes dark. Absolutely dark, to the point that a hint of fear sparks inside me at the sight and I wanna take back everything I said to erase it from his face. He removes his hand from the door and opens it, pushing me to the side as he does, in silence.

"Minho." I try to touch his hand but he pulls away. He doesn't spare me a single glance as he exits the apartment. I don't follow him, I let him leave.

[lycanlovingvampyre]

MAG 148 Relisten

Activity on my first listen: mowing the lawn.

ELIAS: (mumbling) "Here we go" (normal) Good evening, Detective." [BASIRA IMMEDIATELY ASSAULTS HIM.] ELIAS: "Ow!" That whispered "Here we go"...(btw in neither the fan transcript nor the official one) Was it just "ah yes, Basira is back" or was it "ok, Basira is fuming and I know what she wants to do, let's get this over with...". He says it later, Basira is becoming predictable. Also very satisfying sound, 10/10, only MAG 200 is even better.

ELIAS: "– I’ve – I’ve always thought that a man’s eating habits were his own private business –" [BASIRA STEPS CLOSER] BASIRA: "Mm-hm." ELIAS: (strained like he is being choked) "– but… I can see how maybe I should have mentioned it." [ELIAS CATCHES HIS BREATH] Holy shit, I either can't remember Basira choking him or I never caught it before. Fan transcript doesn’t mention any sounds in this (I added them here), official transcript only describes Elias answer as "conciliatory".

ELIAS: "Look, look – I’ve been doing this a long time now, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned about the Web, it’s that it plays its own game. All you can really do is hope it doesn’t get in the way of whatever your plan is. Because the Spider usually wins." We know that Elias finally saw his chance when Jon came to him already marked by the Web. And yeah, the Spider does win.

BASIRA: "You always call me “Detective.” Is that supposed to mean something?" ELIAS: "Honestly, I just like the way it sounds." In 159 episodes this is probably the only time he's clear about something and honest xD

JON: "I can’t believe you’ve been seeing him all this time." BASIRA: "Oh, yeah. That’s the terrible secret sabotaging the trust between us." Yeah, compared to others things, this does seem quite as big of a deal. Still, I think it's something that would have been worth mentioning. Since of a lot of relevant things happened because of this, that seemed like a dead end to them. That's suspicion. I saw an old post from 2019 some time ago, where someone said something like "The way the Dark ritual lead nowhere Jon's gonna kick off the Watcher's Crown by accident". Oops...

BASIRA: "Yeah. John, We’ve been over this. the key is to not force people to feed you their trauma. You know – just don’t do it?" Oh yeah, Nicotine is bad for you health? Just stop smoking. Easy. You're depressed? Just be more positive. Wow! /sarcasm

JON: "It’s not that simple." BASIRA: "No. It is. Or I put you down." Holy... Threatening to kill him... Wow. After she has watched Daisy for years and said nothing. She’s kind of extra aggressive on this day, first Elias, now this... Frustration?

BASIRA: "Daisy’s been managing." JON: "Daisy is… yeah. She’s managing." Daisy is fucking starving. Even if she hasn’t crossed into full Avatarhood (I think that happens after MAG 158...), Jon also was already dependent on statements in S3...

JON: "I have been meaning to ask: the tape, the one of the uh… my victim. You said Martin gave it to you." BASIRA: "Yeah." JON: "How was he? How did he look – was he – uh –" BASIRA: [interrupting; sounding slightly less harsh] "I don’t know. I didn’t see him. He just left it on my desk with a note." JON: "Oh. Right." BASIRA: "Yeah." JON: "Can I ask what it said?" BASIRA: "Um, yeah. It said, uh. “Talk to him”" JON: [harsh breathing/sobbing sounds] T_________T  It’s been a while since we had a heartwrecking scene like this...

I'll be honest, I have no memory of this statement...

There is so much more rambling about their general situation and less things actually happening, I'm already losing track again...

"So he found the manual. More of a pamphlet, really. Can’t have been more than ten pages of A5 in the whole thing, yellowed and water-damaged. Well-used, though. Someone had even put their name in the front, like they were afraid people were gonna steal a manky instruction book." Oh hold on, is that a Leitner?

Sounds like this Sampson really got into I'm On Observation Duty XD

"He kept saying, 'what do we do with his eyes?'" So the cameras?

"'He won’t stop,' he said. 'We can’t get rid of his face.'" On the CRT screen, Sampson wouldn't stop looking at them I guess.

Aw man, that post statement scene. It seems like it did something at least cause he says he's (feeling) better. But it’s not as nutritious as a new statement. And he’s needing more and more of the old statements. That’s also a effect of (some?) addicting substances. Getting accustomed to smaller doses and needing more to get the same effect as before. This is the only thing, which makes it seem like an addiction and not a need to survive. Though there are some indications that Avatars do need to cause fear to survive. “Feed your god, or it will feed on you” (MAG 89),  “Hopefully, he’ll fade away or burn out as they tend to when robbed of their purpose” (MAG 130),  “John Amherst was encased in concrete, and shrivelled away to nothing after just a few years” (MAG 184). Accepting less and less of old statements is probably just an effect of the Eye to bring him to get new experiences. And since there are some indications that also written statements given to the Archivist can cause those dreams (Dekker MAG 113, Salesa MAG 115) it will become more and more difficult to survive without harming others.

@a-mag-a-day

[littleonekitten]

So.. today was the most hyped up day of the week for me and it got ruined. I planned on having a big sleepover slumber party with my friends, I haven’t seen them in a while ( one went on vacation and the other has been busy with school) so I was looking forward to it. We decided that for dinner we were gonna do a charcuterie board and possibly get some alcoholic drinks. I’ve only drank one time ( I’ll tell that story at another time because it’s a whole thing) but it was my first time having an actual alcohol. I also live in a small town, and we decided to go to a Walmart. I really like that Walmart because that’s where my ex and i went a lot, it was a great time.. and in my head as we were parking I had a gut feeling he would be there. I didn’t sweat it though and went in with my friends. As soon as I walked over to the produce I saw one of his friends, I met her before and she was really nice, so I was like “huh interesting she’s here but it’s nice to see her” right? That’s all. I start walking, getting food and groceries and I walk past an isle and there he is. Standing with her. I rushed past that isle and he didn’t see me, but I got the biggest pit in my stomach, it was like a shooting numbing pain from the inside out, I wanted to puke, pass out, run away, and scream all at once. I was trying to continue my shopping but I was alert and stressed and the whole time. Which can ruin a shopping experience if your only thought is to literally run away, or at least like not run into them. It ruined my day. This day I was looking forward to all month got ruined in literal seconds. I hate that I feel this radiation of anxiety and negativity. Yes, your going to run into people and yes that’s a normal part of life.. but so soon?? At the same time?? I haven’t seen him since the break up, and honestly I forgot what he looks like now and I plan to keep it that way. I went home and it took a long time to calm down. I pulled some tarot cards and they were telling me this encounter was on purpose, it was needed to give myself knowledge and wisdom. I’m on the right path and I’m being very successful with my choices. The saddest part is, if he saw me I don’t think he’d recognize me. I look completely different, I cut a lot of my hair,got bangs, gained weight, and have been a sad depressed sack of shit that has been the most insecure of my whole life. So it’s a good thing he didn’t see me, but part of me wished he saw me. I wish he got the same pit in his stomach as he gave to me. I wish he was going through the same pain I’m going through constantly, but I’m not allowed to say I’m not okay or feel my feelings because I have responsibilities and shit to do. I was able to make up for it and I had a good night with my friends but I keep thinking about it and it just feels like another stab into my heart. I got so upset that he was with a friend and I had to remind myself, why are you upset? You are here doing the same things, with your friends, it’s probably not that deep. I guess it makes me sad because he got closer to her and hung out with her when him and I went to shit. He would hang out with her alone a lot and not tell me who he was with, and make excuses. I’m tired of caring about him. I’m tired of re-thinking all of the drama in our relationship and loosing my sanity and hair out of it. I want to let go and I feel like I have, but clearly it’s ineffective or it takes a lot longer then I thought. Im just tired of this clouding my vision of myself and my health. I feel like I’m at an all time low at the moment and I don’t give a shit about myself. What I’m doing, wearing, eating drinking, hygiene all of that. I don’t know how to get out while also being able to feel the feelings. Because it’s either one or the other like I’ve talked in other posts.

[springfallendeer]

Just a general thanks

To everyone who started following/interacting recently. I really appreciate the interactions that I do get here.

The holidays tend to be a rough time of the year as is, and some years the seasonal depression hits harder than others. Even now, six hours to new years where I’m at. Its hitting pretty rough. Honestly guys, just don’t bother reading beneath the cut. Its depressing and I don’t want to be dragging anyone down. This is just something to try and process some emotions.

I’ve been on tumblr for years. I met some of my closest friends here, years ago. One of which eventually went on to save me from homelessness after a long, long string of horrible life events.

I’m one of those examples of how horrible life can be. My mother was horribly abusive to myself and my siblings, physically and mentally. I grew up isolated and never really having friends. I was the weird kid that couldn’t really form bonds with people. Because I was one of those kids that got fucked over by the medical system, I spent the first 12 years of my life drugged out of my mind on ADHD meds that did weird shit to me.

Life has been a process. The holiday season always sucked, because it just made me more aware of how bad off I was compared to everyone else. My mother was the black sheep, and I was her spawn. In the rare event that we went to a family event, we were excluded. So my early Christmases were spent watching everyone else gets presents. Because they were family events, everyone had to sit around and watch as everyone opened gifts. One by one.

My mother was stingy and she cared more about herself than about providing comforts to her children. There were always money issues. By the time I was in my teenage years, I learned never to expect gifts. Not real gifts. The best I could ask for was to go out to eat on my birthday. Any time I was given a real gift - something like a game console, or a laptop - there were strings attached. I was made to feel guilty every time I wanted something.

I still struggle to come up with any sort of an idea for what I’d want when asked what I’d like for Christmas/my birthday. So right now I am struggling. And its a struggle that tends to mix and mingle with other emotional distresses in my life.

I genuinely have a tough time most days, because even though I’m living with and often around friends, I feel alone. And its one of those things where I feel guilty for being lonely. Because its not really anyone’s fault. I just don’t enjoy a lot of the content that my friends enjoy. And by the time I get around to getting interest in something they do enjoy, they’ve moved on to something else.

So even though I enjoy writing and roleplaying and playing games, I just don’t get too. Because my interests never get to line up with the group, I’m the odd one out. The one left out of everything. And by now I’ve just stopped trying to be included, because it just led to additional hurt feelings. It always kinda sucks to finally get someone to roleplay with you, only for you to stop getting responses after 2-3 goes. Meanwhile the friends you were roleplaying with are just, busy with each other. Constantly.

And it is constant. Its a daily thing. Often all day. And while I’ve tried to nicely bring up that I’m feeling left out, its never led to much. You can’t force someone to want to engage in something if they aren’t interested in. And this has been going on for a few years, unfortunately.

In November I caught covid. While I was sick with covid, I somehow discovered the DCA in security breach. And for whatever reason, I just kinda fell in love with them. Again, there were attempts at getting involved in the friend group. But again, I’d developed my interest in something just a little too late. They were back into Pokemon, thanks to the recent release. And I’ve already gotten into Pokemon, only to be swiftly left behind a few days after. More than once.

So I started writing a personal project. And I started to post it. But everywhere I’d ever been active has been dead for years, and the audience I had, existed for a fandom that I can no longer stand to associate with. On pretty much every platform, interactions are dead silent.

Then I start looking into it and I realized that nothing I was posting was even turning up in the tumblr search option. And I’m still trying to get that sorted. And I was just sat here getting more emotionally frustrated. Because God, it really fucking sucks to feel alone all the fucking time. It really fucking sucks to enjoy something only for that love to slowly get sucked out of you because nothing ever seems to give you a break.

Then suddenly, someone took notice. And while I’m not getting a lot of traction on anything, its the most I’ve had in YEARS. And its great. And I feel stupid that it makes me so happy. And it upsets me, because after years of these interactions in personal friends groups - where I finally get involved with something and get to enjoy it, only to be left behind to my own devices. Alone with nothing by my own thoughts for entertainment.

And I know it can happen here. And it sucks. Because its nice to be able to just sit around doing silly shit and being able to enjoy stupid, silly interactions with other people. Especially after horrible days at work or just horrible days with my own thoughts. So I’m excited but I’m scared. I want to sit here and hope things will just continue. That I’ll have those 2-3 people that I might get lucky and be able to maintain a consistent interest with. All the while its just going to eat at the back of my head that in the near future, its all going to be gone and I’m going to be alone again.

And I just don’t really know what to do about it. So I’m trying to enjoy it while it lasts, but its hard. Early life fucked me up and ruined me. Adult life is harder to process. And regardless of whatever might happen, I don’t really have any sort of control over it.

[eastsidelovers]

future past:

because its everything, no, everything was never the deal. shut the door on terrible times. my shoes are an altar: remembrance: the things i love. can i trust you? would you lie to me? i wish i could disappear into the ground. be wiped from everyone's memory. i was never here, i never existed. maybe i'll wake up. i don't remember my first out of body experience. i don't remember my last. its amazing, the things you miss when you aren't paying. paying attention. i'm not ready for the questions. the stares. the comments. i've faced enough alienation in my life, and i don't need more. i don't enjoy it. but i worship it: alienation. he gave me words, no, he took me by the neck, threw me against a wall, and shoved it down my throat. and i will worship it. do i tell her? should i wait until i'm older? would you lie to me? i run in these circles. its your choice: my diary is an open book and you can decide if you want to know everything about me. its a tv series, you can't miss an episode unless you want to be lost. i'm the only fan of this one, i may be the only one that fully understands my story. my references. i may be the only one to ever read my writing in its entirety. someday i want to help the kids. not because i am good at comforting, but because i can show them there is hope for the future. i want to be what i've never had. growing up is terrifying, and all i see are unhappy adults. not just you, mom. its everyone. everyone's miserable. i can't spend the rest of my life wandering dead mall halls, sunny "self care days" drag on for years, and before you know it, i've wasted my life on never growing up. they tell me to be a kid now. i'm already feeling the stress of someone far older than me. and all i can do about it is lay idle in bed. she says i'm depressed. its not something i'm new to, but its something i'm beginning to fully realize the extent of its ass kicking abilities. showering isn't a chore for everyone. getting out of bed isn't dreadful for everyone. friends aren't terrible. i miss that glorious time when i loved my friends. now it feels like haven't been loved in years: i don't know what it is with you and the joy you suck out of my life all while making me think you're the best thing thats ever happened to me. don't feel sorry for me, i've never been better. i feel exhausted just getting out of bed and crossing my bedroom. i don't know how i'm still functional. i'm barely keeping it together. but maybe someday i'll be something. maybe i'll look back on this and think: realize: i'm delusional. the most beautiful thing ever is how these words withstand the years of seasons changing, wind battering the shit out of me, golden, heat, sub-zero. these are just glimpses of feelings turned thoughts turned words. maybe this is who i really am. thirty years from now i'll be on the same hamster wheel in my head, running in these same circles. peace: is a boat on the atlantic ocean. 50°f. overcast day. me and kafka ride up the shore, canadian water. back home theres vinyls. stonewall. silence. but for now i'm a---

i find its a lot easier to understand my window of tolerance nowadays than i ever have before. i think its funny: i can look back and see when i was thinking rationally rather than when i wasn't. and its all thanks to different circumstances. being overwhelmed isn't an excuse to be an asshole, however, being overwhelmed is an excuse to be an asshole. honestly, i'm transcribing every word in my head as it comes. and you eat this shit right up. god, am i a disillusioned rockstar already? god, i'm so tired. god, are you real? rocks and stars, hell, the rockstars say you aren't. someone outta put a bullet in his head. for now i'm twenty two twenty twenty two twenty twenty two twenty twenty two twenty and its only a matter of time before you're crossing country borders to run from what you're doing. soon everyone will know. you go against all the ethos, pathos, and logos, or maybe just ethics. its. a grey conversation.

[itsjustsun]

Hi

So it’s been a minute. I’ve been enjoying the time I have off I guess just spending more time w/ friends or trying to. This last month has been heavy and maybe honestly just the weather. Lol fr. You know I’ve been speaking with someone just sharing energy and bouncing ideas it’s been a beautiful experience. They asked me a question of how I felt about prayer and it re-centered me. You know I forgot to invest in myself spiritually and I just started praying again. And honestly god has come through for me to have the ability to ground myself while working through things. Our bodies goes through so much things because our senses never stop feeling or reading things so opportunities to just be still are gems in processes of processing the process. See the word play. The slowness kinda allows you to see what’s important.

So moments like this where I get to sip tea and just take the time to let it brew, moments like where I get to randomly play arcade games. Remembering childhood memories of how I fell in love with cinematography & horror movies. As a kid how my nana and I would bond is watch horror movies together. Little things like that I miss. She would let me play with dolls just tell me not to let my mother see. I guess when I go through the motions i hermit. It’s so much mind factors that makes me feel like I can’t live life sometimes. I shouldn’t be doing this because I’m not doing this or because pressures of dang maybe I should do enough, but the beauty of reassurance in all ways is that it reminds you you are. You know I’ve always been confident. The natural confidence I have attracted energies & situations that wanted to break that. I began struggling with things like body dysmorphia which lead to early seasons of depression, eating disorders and accumulated more abusive behaviors from lifestyles that I was exposed to. So shedding from those philosophies because things like that are more mental then translate to physical abuse. Whether it’s outwardly or self inflicted. I think it’s time for cycles like that to end and the phase I’m in right now is beating those cycles. Letting go of toxic addictions and replacing them with healthier ones. Working on letting go as well.

What I’m drinking is life everlasting flowers known in hoodoo medicine or geechee gulluh tradition(shoutout to A.N. Idk if she would want ppl to know we spoke about that. Sn something about me is I’m very very private. It’s just how I was raised so I like to respect others privacy) as an immune booster, kidney & liver flush. If you know one of the things I’ve been battling is newly kidney issues. I went through a lot a lot of stress within these past two years and sometimes it may not look like it my mind race too too much. Working out has helped y’all i workout sometimes 3x a dayZ So trying to figure out ways to improve that upon other things to assist the care I do get was finding out things like beet juice, nettle tea to help fix the battles with addiction(i.e. smoking. I like a blunt, but I shouldn’t abuse it. Like a glass of wine at the end of the day.) And others my doctor actually said my kidneys are functioning better. So that’s where my focus is. I wanna do better and stay in a state where we’re balanced. So it’s been working. Idk I just get tired of my story being told and if you notice nothing about it has changed. It’s frustrating and sometimes it sick that a lot of you have or try to mock my pain or experiences you weren’t there to be with me through.

Ig: @__itsjustsun

[ytdn]

I posted 5,621 times in 2022

That's 2,416 more posts than 2021!

9 posts created (0%)

5,612 posts reblogged (100%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cop-disliker69

@triviallytrue

@clarabosswald

@moonpaw

@sneakyfeets

I tagged 5,578 of my posts in 2022

Only 1% of my posts had no tags

#lol - 3,187 posts

#yes - 526 posts

#tolkien - 328 posts

#star wars - 292 posts

#important - 184 posts

#rings of power - 174 posts

#cute - 172 posts

#my hero academia - 166 posts

#bts - 158 posts

#pretty - 136 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#i do think celebrian is already born in the show but itll be revealed shes so estranged from her mother they havent talked for centuries

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

🔮 💍 🏆 🤣 🔥 👽 🔮

- the good wizard

0 notes - Posted April 1, 2022

#4

Changed my avatar to be more recognisable to twitter friends

1 note - Posted April 25, 2022

#3

It's funny following so many ppl from twitter and seeing who just made a tumblr and who has been here forever, silently (like me lol)

8 notes - Posted November 18, 2022

#2

MHA 341 SPOILERS

Man I can see it now

Toga has Twice's blood

She goes after Hawks for revenge

Turns into Twice into front of him

His carefully crafted hero mask he's been wearing since the War arc ended shatters

It's gonna be GREAT

21 notes - Posted January 20, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Endeavor’s (potential) death and Bojack Horseman

SPOILERS FOR MY HERO ACADEMIA CHAPTER 350//

So seeing a lot of discussion about Endeavor and what he deserves - should he die, should he be in jail etc. And honestly I’m ruling out him going to jail since japanese cultural norms don’t seem to see familial abuse as a going-to-jail crime (still pretty nasty though) and none of his family have brought it up (I also think it wouldn’t be the right thing for his family anyway for reasons I’ll get to later).

So, death.

I think if he does die it won’t be from Touya killing him. Enji is too much of a focus character to be killed like that, and it would represent the “failure” of his character arc. He’s a man who wants to redeem himself from his failure as a father, and the biggest failure is his neglect of Touya leading him to plot to kill him. For both Touya and Enji’s character arcs to end in “success”, Touya can’t succeed in his villainous goals. Touya himself can’t die either (because he WANTS to die) so lets rule out any murder-suicides.

So, if Enji does die, it would be in saving his children. And I think the child he has to save primarily is Touya. He looked away from Touya 10 years ago, so he has to look at him now (even though the plot currently has him far away from Touya there’s enough highlighting of this fact to know it will be corrected at some point). I’ve seen some people suggesting (mostly on reddit) that he’ll die saving Shoto from Touya but that wouldn’t be a “success” - it’ll just be seen by Touya as him putting Shoto above him. So while he can save Shoto, he has to save Touya as well.

And this would be a “success” for his character arc and Touya’s character arc in many ways (and Shoto to a lesser extent but I feel like Shoto’s arc with Enji is different and mostly resolved at this point)! He would show in one great act that he can put his children’s lives above his (his original sin being putting his own ambitions over the welfare of his children) and it would match the foreshadowing of his dream where his family are eating happily around the table but he isn’t there with them,

BUT! I don’t think this would be the best resolution, and this is where Bojack Horseman comes in.

So for people who don’t know, Bojack Horseman is an adult cartoon about a depressed alcoholic horse (sounds weird but it’s actually really good)

SPOILERS FOR BOJACK HORSEMAN

So, both Bojack and his best friend Diane have abusive parents - for Bojack, his mother, for Diane, her father. And over the series both parents die. And there’s one episode, Free Churro, where Bojack attends his mothers funeral and gives a eulogy (its a great episode and can be watched standalone).

And one of the great things about the episode is it addresses the difficulty in mourning an abusive parent. Bojack talks about Diane’s father, how she felt sad when he died even though “she never even liked the guy” because it meant the chance of him ever being a good father was gone forever. Bojack himself talks about how on her deathbed his mother looked at him and said “I see you” - and those words both made him very happy but also very angry. Because his mother finally acknowledged him, but at the same time she waited until the last moment to do it. He realised she could have done that the entire time, but didn’t, which meant she actively chose to be a bad mother his entire life until then.

And going back to MHA, I think this is where the issue with Enji dying as a “solution” comes. Because his whole character arc is him realising he could have been a good father the entire time, but put his ambition first every time. So him “Seeing” Touya and then promptly biting it- no, it doesn’t work, and leaves a hole in the Todoroki family. Because despite Enji thinking that the only way to atone is to seperate from his family, that isn’t the real solution. Obviously he needs to give his family freedom and space - Natsuo for example doesn’t want anything to do with his dad. But on the other hand as Rei said, “running away” was his sin. He needs to be their for his family, and ESPECIALLY Touya. He doesn’t get to run away this time, especially not by dying.

48 notes - Posted April 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lucysweatslove]

8.25.2022: Journal (+ rant)

Probably TW, can’t tell for sure but I have a lot on my mind regarding weight and my current body and calorie counting and all the things I’ve ranted about before.

Oh and also TW for pet death.

Husband was out of town yesterday, which is not a rare occurrence as he travels to our old “city” for work sometimes to see colleagues, attend after work functions, meet with clients in person, etc. I’m not usually bothered by this, although I miss him when he’s gone, but last night his colleagues had dinner up at one of their cabins which has terrible cell service, and the entire evening my anxiety was sky high because I couldn’t communicate with him to make sure he was okay. They were out late and all I wanted was to call and say goodnight but couldn’t. This made for a terrible night’s sleep, even though I had the bed to myself and some good Oreo snuggles.

This morning I had a bit of a panic when I saw I was training My Replacement today by myself on a very busy clinic day that I didn’t know I could even complete on my own. Usually I have help; today I had none scheduled. Oreo was refusing to eat his breakfast while I tried to get my breakfast prepared (overnight chia oats, added protein powder and a banana) when my husband called. **TW for pet stuff; I’ll keep it to this paragraph.** His friend’s girlfriend’s dog nearly drowned. She was resuscitated but was not stable, and they were going to transfer her to a pet hospital in the city I live in, and Husband asked if Friend’s Girlfriend could stay with us while Pup was in the hospital. Of course I said yes, but our house is a MESS- not just messy but currently “dirty underneath” as I’ve had no time lately. I started to have panic from the emotional news and everything in my plate already. Instead of eating I tried to hurriedly pick up a bit, but I had to start work. Husband orchestrated his day to drive home so he would be home when our guests arrived, but shortly after he got home, his friend called with the worst news for the pup- her organs had failed and she passed away. There has been a lot of pet related sadness lately. My sister’s Guinea pig also passed recently (Monday, overnight), Oreo’s not eating well, I see tons of lost pet flyers and ads, my best friend’s cat is getting older and losing weight on his way out. Friend’s Girlfriend’s Pup was also named Lucy and we have snuggled before, so honestly her death hit me harder than I thought it would. And my husband decided to comment about how bad things come in threes, and with Pip and now Lucy, I’m scared about the superstitious #3 being out baby pug.

In less depressing news, work actually went alright. A resident was working today and she took 1/3 of the patients so I could keep up pretty easily in my own. I couldn’t give too much actual training to My Replacement but sometimes just watching the flow can help ease anxiety. She will start notes tomorrow assuming I have help with that clinic.

I’ve been kind of trapped in this place of not knowing the “right” way to proceed with health stuff recently. My husband tries his best to be supportive, but I don’t think he understands how or why “just have a glass of water” is bad advice/inappropriate when I comment on being hungry after dinner/near bedtime. One, I get plenty enough water- both actual water and water from food intake. I’m not thirsty. I get sick if I drink too much water, actually, so just adding water isn’t a good idea. Two, fluid that close to bedtime may wake me up to pre. Three, water doesn’t actually suppress my legit hunger cues. Four, *my hunger is legitimate and when I complain about being hungry at night the appropriate response is to tell me go eat something. A couple nights ago my bedtime snack was blueberries and walnuts because I was hungry. Husband’s response is well-intentioned I think, because he knows I’m unhappy with my body shape and size and wants to support me in whatever goals I have set, but my primary goal isn’t simply to lose weight/fat. Yes, I’d like that, but not at the expense of losing my connection to my hunger cues again. Not at the expense of my psychological health.

Sometimes I think all people, including the people who know my history and lived some of it with me, forget the hell of restrict EDs, or they just see a fat person now, not somebody with a tenuous history. I think about the message we send to others (the message others send to me) because they have been sent to us, and we don’t realize how damaging and unhealthy they are. If a person who looked even a little “chubby” wanted to lose weight and expressed hunger at non-meal times, I think most people trying to be supportive would give the same “drink some water.” However if a person who was already relatively thin had that same goal, we would realize that’s not healthy and encourage them to eat when they’re hungry. What’s the difference? What’s the message we’re sending? I think the difference is that we are conditioned to think, however subconsciously, that either 1) people who we are as having any amount of “excess weight” don’t actually know when they are hungry or full (eg confusing appetite with physical hunger), and/or 2) actual, physical hunger doesn’t have to be, and maybe shouldn’t be, honored when somebody is “fat.” The messages here to me range from “fat people can’t trust their bodies,” to “only thin bodies deserve a positive relationship with food,” to “hunger is desirable for fat people to ignore.” As a fat person with a former restrictive ED, that last one feels particularly egregious. It glorifies what to me was an absolute obsession. At my “peak ED,” I felt truly addicted to feeling that emptiness. I would chase it. No, it didn’t give me a high from substances, but I needed it to cope. I needed it to feel better. I needed it more than I needed to be a good partner or a good student or a good sibling or a good friend or whatever it was.

Now I want to be clear that I don’t think many if any people are outwardly saying fat people need to get to that level. Nobody I know, even the biggest asshats, have expressed wanting fat people to learn to enjoy hunger and the sensations that accompany starvation (like the low glucose and low BP after an intense workout lightheaded shakes and passing out 🙃). However, there does seem to be a fairly widespread belief that fat people need to just “suck up” feeling hungry- that ignoring hunger is a positive thing. I am fully aware that I PERSONALLY take that to the extreme in my mind- but that’s how my need started. I was told that hunger doesn’t actually mean I need to eat, that I shouldn’t eat when hungry sometimes if I wanted to lose weight, and that played a huge role in MY personal spiral. I worry about the role in plays for others.

Further, the idea that fat people just don’t know how to tell it they are REALLY hungry is ridiculous. Why do people think we know anybody else’s “real” hunger cues better than the person *actually experiencing them?* ALL people can absolutely ignore or misinterpret their body’s signals, and I totally “lost” hunger cues in my ED likely because I was so disconnected from my body. But somebody being fat does NOT mean they have lost those cues. Even a fat person with BED doesn’t necessarily have “broken” hunger cues- many know full well they are physically full and there is something else driving their binges. Really, I think this one comes down to people assuming the only way somebody gets fat is by constantly overeating when they aren’t hungry, and the way non-fat people may rationalize this is that a fat person just can’t tell when they are TRULY physically hungry. This is perpetuated by all the messages about what else can make us “feel hungry” such as dehydration, exhaustion, and heavy emotions. Since those are common experiences among people of all weights, it isn’t hard for us to take a leap and assume this is the cause of overeating leading to weight gain. Which is a whole different topic to unpack for a later date. The point of the rant here is that instead of being curious about what a fat person is experiencing when they express hunger, it’s accepted in society to initially assume that the fat person *is wrong* if a thin person thinks it’s not an acceptable time to be hungry. As if thin people are somehow hunger police. “I succeeded in being thin and therefore I am more qualified to tell you about YOUR hunger than you are.”

I guess my point is, when somebody says “I’m really tired today,” we don’t question how tired somebody is. If somebody says “my neck really hurts today; I think I slept on it funny,” we don’t insinuate it’s not *real* pain. If a light is too bright and it’s starting to trigger a migraine, we don’t tell them it’s a perfectly fine level of light and they’re just misinterpreting a normal headache as a migraine. In all these situations, we accept whatever that person needs to do to safely resolve their physical cue: get some more sleep when you safely can, take a Tylenol and stretch, dim the lights and/or wear sunglasses and take rescue meds. So why, when somebody says they are hungry, is it ever socially appropriate to suggest that the hunger isn’t real or that if it is real it doesn’t deserve to be resolve it may even be desirable.

Anyway speaking of body cues, my body is telling me it’s exhausted. In honor of my exhaustion, I’m going to sleep.

[whateveryouwantmetodoiwilldo]

so let’s do this again, for my boyfriends sake:

since i haven’t updated in so long this isn’t necessary all tied to yesterday but from tomorrow on i’ll try to do it that way for the sake of the fact i could limit how long these get to at least some degree

to start off is the hard thing right? it is because i am at a loss for words. let’s start with a positive. speak now TV is out and it and absolutely everything around it is making me so so so very happy, just seeing photos of taylor is enough to make me smile. she’s been an absolutely crucial part of my recovery lately more than ever before. basically whenever i eat i’ll listen to taylor and it’s so stupid but just seeing pictures of her helps me a lot when i’m trying to finish a meal and i keep rewatching that miss americana scene because genuinely i’m desperately grasping onto any support and help i can get on this right now even if it’s just a clip. continuing on that there’s a new vault track called castles crumbling and it’s like i don’t know it’s hard to explain but it’s again one of those taylor songs that i know will be important to me. the lyrics make me really sad and it’s really relatable for this exact moment and i have no idea how she does it. it’s my song. i love her, she is truly saving me right now in ways i know no one would ever be able to understand. hm if my boyfriend dylan were a speak now TV song he would be back to december and if he was a vault track he would be i can see you. :) continuing on the theme of music i do not even want to think about the ticket sale on monday. i will be at the doctors. i feel nauseous and depressed. i’m dizzy and even very very very easy physical activity like biking makes me feel like i’m going to pass out because the blood is just not flowing into my muscles right. i’m self destructive and stupid and i saw a dumb tiktok of nina doing those turns in black swan and i don’t know what got over me and i couldn’t resist it and put on my pointes and tried and of course it was bad and i fell but so now it’s a real mindfuck on my brain because i never thought something like losing my vaganova training would ever happen. once a ballerina, always a ballerina but this iron thing is ducking everything up bad. i want to sign up for private lessons because i know picking stuff up will be incredibly easy but i had a short conversation with dylan about it and he’s just really against it and i’m not mentally ready to dissapoint him so i’m giving that up. i find myself needing and wanting to be little at basically every single hour of the day. i can honestly say for the recent times there’s probably not even an hour that i haven’t thought about it i we’re just tiny i could feel good. i could escape: i could be safe. i could be loved and protected without having to do anything to earn it.

little me was having a storytime a while ago now with his pappa and he got really really really freaked out and scared and disappointed in himself and i wish i could at least protect them from those feelings of heavy self loathing and not being good enough like i hold on my shoulders at all times. he doesn’t deserve that. he’s not a good kid at all, he deserves every upsetting thing that’s ever happened and sometimes i wish i could inflict more pain and hurt on him to get myself to give up regressing once and for all but pain from the outside is different than hurt from the inside where your brain keeps telling you disgusting things about yourself and when little me starts getting those feelings regularly it’ll be when i’ll become unable to regress for the sake of my own safety and comfortability. it’s hard to explain but the thing most important to me in little space is being protected form myself and my own hurtful thoughts toward myself. when i’m little it’s felt like i’ve been freed of that since he’s so tiny and no one has ever yet told him thinking those things was a possibility. he’s always been surrounded by his dadas love.

dylan told me to not weight myself. i’m stupid and self destructive and yes him saying it could of course keep me from doing it at that exact moment and i know i should have reached out for help and support but i didn’t, he was sleeping when i showered (the scale is out in the open next to the shower and i’m front of the mirror) so um i checked my weight and i can’t stop crying and feeling so disgusting, i can’t look in the mirror without seeing anything but how fat and unattractive i look and it’s killing me. i know i’m not but i feel like i’m so overweight and it just makes me feel like i deserve nothing and i had wished dylan and me could do stuff now that i’m back home and alone, it would be amazing and so much fun and i seriously need it for the amount of stress i’ve been under and he makes me feel so good and just comfortable and it’s so important for my self esteem i don’t know i just feel wanted and like at least my body is good for that one thing but i don’t want to ask for it. i bring up needing dyl to initiate stuff long ago and how bad it is for me i always have to but nothings changed yet and i just made a decision to not voice the need anymore until he does. he’s on testosterone and i don’t understand and feel really insecure and unwanted and then really embarrassed when i have to bring it up myself and like i’m being selfish and unreasonable and stupid and i’m starting to think that’s what he really sees and feels. it wouldn’t have been a problem if i hadn’t gained to much weight. it’s not like he comments on it but maybe he’s just unattracted and disgusted by me because i look like i’m so out of control and maybe he also finds the weight gain secretly disgusting on me and he knows i have to gain even more weight i mean it’s probably going to happen if i want to be able to move. god it’s stupid and pathetic but i just need dylan to fuck me. he’s so good and he makes me feel so so so amazing it’s hard to describe and i just need him so much but i can’t have it because i’m not willing to ask without initiating anymore. it’s an issue of consent at this point. i’m afraid he feels pressured but also i wish he would tell me because i have a rule about not cumming without him and sometimes it’s just so so hard when i really wish i could busy for the sake of stress relief. the most important thing about sex to me is the intimacy, how close i get to feel to him and how when he tells me something at they point it’s like it’s the absolute truth and that is so hard to describe out of the mindset. like no matter how i feel taht day when we do stuff and he starts calling me his special, perfect, sweet girl or like a precious adorable little pet i feel so good and just ugh connected to him it’s hard to explain. sometimes i think about something he suggested. calling my weight gain and the things i’m insecure about hot and complimenting it and paying special attention to that and logically that should beat sense into my head and i crave for that but then i remember that he’s probably trying to do that for the sake of me and that it’s actually making him uncomfortable because he has to think about the disgusting changes of my body. yesterday i completely zoned out. for hours and hours staring at the wall. not hearing anything, not seeing anything but the blank white wall, not feeling emotionally anything and not even thinking anything. i think this is some strange coping mechanism my brain is trying to use to give me at least a tiny breather form all the thoughts and scary things and anxieties i face at basically all hours of the day much like little space or fucking dylan does. it’s fucking depressing because i’m unaware and like unconscious and as a result lose my entire day. dylan was very mad at me and rightfully so. i’m lucky he doesn’t leave or hit me i mean obviously i would deserve it after that.

after writing all of this down i’m just left to face the fact i need dylan and i miss him and i want him so badly right now. i want him so badly but there’s another two hours before he is up and anything could happen in the meantime.

i would do anything for him to be awake right now.

[caelcstis]

had my appointment today and talked to my doctor about me sleeping so much lately, and that i’m unsure if it’s just my mood feeling depleted because of work or something more medically. she wanted me to take some sleep study that can be done at home, she just has to mail it to me, and then i have to get a shitload of bloodwork i guess just to check to see if i’m anemic, if my thyroid is working properly because of my weight gain and the energy dip, and further inspection of my iron levels beyond being anemic bc i purely take birth control for my period regulation ( though being 23, it’s nice to have in general, even if i’m gray-ace and sex just isn’t interesting to me in retrospect ). 

but hopefully we can figure it out, and we can do something about it, but everything is exhausting to me lately. i can be up, do a few chores, eat, and fall back asleep because i just hit a wall. i’m unsure if it’s work because work just... is hell, and i’ve been trying to get out where i can, but i’ve received nothing and i can’t afford to leave either. like drawing isn’t fun anymore, coloring is exhausting, being on here is like white noise to me atm. a lot of my hobbies or even my passions are just barely even alive right now, and it’s depressing honestly. if it isn’t work, it’s just me. 

i’m sorry i haven’t been on really, nor do i just post ooc in general, but i just am not having a lot of fun online right now - and i mean that anywhere, not just tumblr. like reading 2ha really got me going and had me excited, and i will probably pick it up and re-read it here soon, but i’m again just in a quick downward slope. like i’m not even sad?? i’m just in such a disgusted blegh state if that makes sense lmao but that’s like a huge low for me because when i get that way, i become numb and disinterested in life. 

but hopefully, like i said, i can figure some things out and can fix it. i’m still always available on disc if you want to talk and interact with me ( chu nyanning#3003 ), but i do think i’ll just be on a semi-hiatus/hiatus for the time being.

[likeapray3r]

Have a lot to say today… have been pondering all day. I feel a little bad about being rude to my mom the last time I saw her… I am constantly on edge and nothing like myself around my parents. I guess I just feel off when I’m with them. Part of me just never wants them to have access to the parts of me that are honest and true because every single time I’ve ever given an inch of myself in any way they’ve taken it and somehow found every way to use it against me or find a way to make me feel bad so they can manipulate me to change my mind about my own personal set of morals. I don’t know… I was extra triggered when she started talking about her and my fathers new Diet blah blah blah diet this diet that *insert comment about another diet-obsessed family member constantly talking about needing to lose weight as a conversation topic* it’s just never ending for them. I feel like I’ve been hearing the same conversation for 23 years and I’ve finally had enough of it. I kind of snapped at her … I know she might not even see it as an issue but it’s just so deeply rooted and nobody can convince me otherwise. It’s not normal to go your entire life talking about needing to transform yourself physically over and over again in this obsessively insecure and intense way… I know I’ve definitely had the same thought pattern before but it’s just that… I honestly only signed up for workout classes to help my Bad Brain because my mental health has always been really overwhelming and it’s one of the first suggestions to take when wanting to improve a mind and overall well-being…I have refused to step on a scale, I never wonder about it, I honestly don’t care to know. I know I feel great! I eat whatever I want! Yeah it’s nice to see “positive” physical changes happen to the infrastructure of my humanity flesh suit but I don’t want to think of any of these changes as “goals”. Idk I just know I personally have gone through A LOT lately and it’s been a constant change and transformation in many aspects! I guess I just wish other people can change their viewpoint on body image but I know it’s a deeply unfortunate cause to a standard society has set out way before anyone could ever realize it’s all an egoic ploy and modernized capitalistic cash grab that sells “saving” yourself. They sell a dream that people will finally see you as a “human” because you look a way that’s “acceptable” and “good” and “clean” or whatever the fuck these freaks think. Maybe try this fad diet :) and buy this targeted product!!! I think it’s just ugly. And a really personal topic. I mean, these are the same people who made it their priority to let me know I didn’t fit their standards before I could even form my own coherent thoughts. I just think their cruelness was a double edged sword. They made me hate myself so early on in life but I still want them to realize it isn’t ok to think like this because I can’t imagine what it’s like a day in their mind, for years and years on end. I know it isn’t about me but it doesn’t feel right to know a lot of this was all swept under the rug and I never received the support and overall love especially when they knew how bad it got for me at certain times. It just feels sick and twisted. Why was it that their first instinct when they found out about my disordered eating+depression+self harm+openly suicidal confessions was to threaten and hit me over and over again. Why was I only yelled at. Why did all of it ever revolve around them. I feel like I never got any safety over it. It was hours of pure hell and then never spoken about again. I just had to figure out how to fix myself all on my own. And now I can openly admit that I am doing better than I ever have…and there’s STILL a lot of work to do. It just doesn’t sit right with me that these conversations still exist when they know everything. It just feels wrong. It doesn’t feel right at all. And I know they think I’m selfish for not wanting to hear about it now. I don’t know

[purplesurveys]

1538

Do you feel pressure to keep your life interesting? Nah. I feel like that pressure largely rises from social media, since people feel the need to put their best foot forward - traveling, meeting friends, drinking, etc - but I’ve since learned not to mind their business and just go with whatever I’m happy with, because nothing was ever wrong with sticking with routines or staying in on weekends or whatever.

Is there anyone who seems to always be under the influence of something when you see them or talk to them? Does it bug you? Hmm, I wouldn’t say so. At work I will say I look up to Bea a lot and always think in terms of “what would she do in this situation?” “how would she respond to this issue?” but at the end of the day I try not to lose myself.

Have you ever found the blog of someone you knew in real life, but not very well? How did it change your opinions on them? No. If they weren’t a close friend I would honestly feel strange going deep into a blog of theirs...the only time my opinion would be come up would probably be if I immediately find a post of theirs I’d consider alarming, I guess, as in from the first few posts. Like if they were blatantly racist.

What is something you are incredibly behind on? Learning how to cook.

When is the right time to start having sex with someone you’ve become romantically interested in? There’s no one right answer to this, people have different paces.

If you honestly heard the voice of God talking to you, would you tell anyone? How would you tell them? (I.E., Conversations With God is a result of the author claiming to have heard God’s voice loud and clear, but some people would have gone packing to the mental institution, and others would have told their church… etc.) First I would never consider for a second that that is actually a god talking to me, and second my bigger issue would be me suddenly hearing voices. I’d get myself checked.

On that note, do you know anyone who speaks in tongues (or, if you don’t believe it, claims to)? No.

Has anyone ever lied to you or a friend of yours about their age for a reason other than getting alcohol/cigarettes? Why’d they do it, and did anyone find out? LOL I happen to be very familiar with this situation, yes. Filipino parents will always(!!!) lie about their kids’ ages at establishments to avail of the kids’ discount. I was 12 for a very long time until I started looking too old to play the part; and yes, my mom always succeeded in getting the discounts she needed.

What’s the last allergic reaction you had? I’m slightly allergic to grass, but it’s been a while since I’ve been to a grassy area so I haven’t had to deal with it recently.

What does it mean when you start eating less? What does it mean when you start eating more? My eating habits only change when I’m feeling a depression coming in, or if I’m in the middle of one - in which case I will really never eat and the act just serves as my body’s response to keep itself alive. 

If someone was fat and genuinely liked themselves that way (Google “fatshionista”!), what would you think? Do you think being fat can be a good thing or that people can be fat and healthy? What I think about this is that there are some who are just naturally larger and that’s never been a bad thing; whether they choose to work out and do the traditional healthy activities doesn’t make much of a difference to me. I wouldn’t say that I hope those people can be more confident, of course, because I have never been in their shoes and what they feel is nothing I can dictate – and what reason is there for me to assume they’re not happy with who they are? In any case, the only time it would get concerning would be if someone was like, morbidly obese and they let it affect their mental health in such a way that they are toxic and a bully to the people around them. OR if they are largely dependent on loved ones to care for them such that it prevents the latter from leading their own lives.

Is there anything you feel the need to organize by chart? The only thing I did this for was my K-pop purchases because that shit rapidly got out of hand at one point. I had a table, a calendar...the whole shebang. Fortunately I haven’t touched that masterfile in a long long time because I’ve since taken a backseat from buying too much merch, and I only ever get the latest releases now (in the past I used to buy both past and current). What’s your opinion on mid-day naps? Kind of a common practice where I’m from, especially among kids. It’s so deeply ingrained in our culture that I don’t think anything of it for the most part.

When’s the last time you spontaneously made plans? With who/to do what? Around last month...I can’t remember what event it was I was coming from, but I was meant to be headed home when I decided fuck that, I wanted to clear my head and be on my own first before I get back to my home with 4 other people. That decision resulted in me driving aimlessly for an hour, weaving through a couple of cities before finally making the turn back home. What’s the strangest named pet you’ve ever had? I can think of a couple of obnoxious ones off the top of my head but I don’t ever want to touch on those names again because it’s embarrassing where they came from lol. But I loved those parrots dearly and hope they’re safe and sound and happy wherever they may be now.

Do you know if there is anyone who was once important to you that you will never talk to again, even though you could? Yeah, this is largely my mechanism for people who’ve wronged me or my friends; I’ve let go of a handful of once-important people in my life because of this. This isn’t to say that I’m petty as fuck and can cut ties with just about anyone – they have to have done something I consider gravely inexcusable and wrong for me to make that big of a decision. Still, at the end of the day, cutting people out has always been something that has come easily for me which I’m, in a weird way, thankful for because I don’t really feel any of the post-cutting-off guilt and regret that might form for others.

[heavenlywaytodie17]

Weird word vomit don’t read I guess- or do just don’t be offended or do idc

I am slowly coming to a lot of realizations as someone who is restrictive dieting and starving myself because of the way I feel about my body. A long time ago I saw a TikTok about how those trying to lose weight are fatphobic. I saw it and instantly became defensive because I associate fatphobia to those who bully fat people and are disgusted by their existence. I then started following some thinspo blogs for inspiration because I’ve literally tried everything else. I can’t get myself to diet and exercise and attempt to lose weight consistently without being extreme. Now I have anxiety when I see calories and I will read the label and math out every meal I eat. That’s fine I did that to myself. Then... I came across meanspo and omg. Reading that shit was like having a brick being thrown at my head. The disgusting language and sentiment toward being fat was something I began to reflect on. Right now I want to lose weight and I want to so bad I will do anything. I want to feel better in my clothing and I want to look like I belong with my group of goddess friends. I started restricting myself because of one of my cousins who lost A LOT of weight because of her ED. Watching the way people treated her because of her weight loss should’ve been a deterrent but it wasn’t. It motivated me. Actually it depressed me to the point where I mentally came to the point where my body among other things caused me to want to literally unalive myself. Thus the motivation because weirdly this thing that’s killing me is also keeping me alive. However something I want to change about my way of thinking is my fatphobia. I have to come to terms with it. That brick that hit my head was from me reading my own thoughts back to myself. Reading it made me realize that those thoughts I have are honestly disgusting. My best friend in the entire world is not skinny, but she is one of the most beautiful people I have ever met. I love her and I never want her to see or read things that make her feel like she’s anything but beautiful. I have to change that mindset. Equating thinness to beauty. It’s not it. I’m not trying to change anyone's mind not like I expect anyone to read this, but honestly we need to change. I still want to be skinny that’s something that is not gonna change anytime soon, but I can’t try. Until then I think I’m still gonna continue to restrict because I literally have binging problem and I literally can’t stop eating. BUT i want to change. and I will. 

[rianafying]

i’m upset right now. i’m always upset after an any interaction with my mother. but other than being upset i’m also stressed out about my spending habits and pending assignments. and fees. i miss being loved. i desperately want to be held and calmed down. there is so much chaos in my heart. i just need someone to be next to me and to tell me it’s okay to gently encourage me to keep going. i feel so bad as i’m writing this, my hands are shaking. everything’s so expensive, i wish i had a bigger fridge, and a freezer. i also want to start over. i can’t clean the mess i’m in. i need a do over. i need my life as i know it to begin again. i will do better this time. maybe this IS a do over, maybe i got the do over i asked for and had my memory wiped. that’s a fun rabbit hole to go down. but i can’t afford to spend any time on it. i have to write this email, and i just can not write emails. i just can not. i’m not used to it, it freaks me out, i get extremely anxious, and writing emails is just the worst, i feel like i know nothing about etiquette and the unspoken rules of writing emails that somehow everyone else knows. i have no interest in the things i should be doing such as cleaning and studying and getting a job. and i keep doing things i shouldn’t be doing such as spending too much money and eating too much junk food and wasting so much time doing nothing and being mentally ill. I absolutely hate my room it’s like the opposite of rehab it makes me feel worse every time I enter it and every hour that passes by makes me increasingly depressed. my phone won’t charge properly, i’m so angry at my mother I feel like she’s the source of all my misery.  I hate both my parents and my bed is too small and my room is too cold and it smells bad because of rotting food. i am living in literal filth. and my skin feels dry and crusty. 

ok so i fell asleep after that, and just woke up it’s 6:30 am rn and i have a class at 10:30, the teacher had emailed me earlier this week to ask what was up with my assignment 1, i didn’t have it in me to respond to her. my social battery, my battery in general is just so low, i don’t think i can even speak around people and be nice. and it’s just not like me to not smile and chat when i’m around people, i honestly feel so bad. idk what to do, whether to just go and be depressed and look grumpy bc i can’t smile and pretend like i’m okay, or do i just keep skipping classes, this is bad. but honestly, i don’t learn that much from the classes anyway, but i do love nikki, she’s just the best teacher ever, i just like doing her classes bc she’s just such a nice presence, like she gets it. i also like phoebe a lot. not so sure about nadia tho, like she did give me rlly good grades despite my horrible attempt at her assignment, that i didn’t even complete. i wish i was doing better academically, i feel like i’ve already been such a loser that i can’t fix it. i will do the a1 for fmund but after i’ve done a2 for all the courses. let’s get ready to work hard this week. also, having a clean room is a must, so i can study properly.