#shirt for jiu jitsu lover

[alternity01]

Violet Hands & The Vermilion Masks of Pale Men

Chapter II. "Blood in the Garden."

Leonardo-Nawa escapes the unconscious grip of Aidan by rolling out and falling onto the floor into a plank. Instead of nudging him awake, he decides his best course of action will be retrieving a steel folding chair from the corner of his room and placing it at the end of the bed. Kicking off of it, he soars through the air and lands on top of the redhead below. His ass lands square on Aidan’s chest, and his face lands by his lap.

With his hearing aids now absent from his ears, Leo-Nawa is forced to turn around and sit up, signing “It’s eight in the morning, I’m not in the mood to shout.”

Instead of signing back, despite being more than proficient, Aidan has him read his lips. “Exactly. It's eight in the morning. Why jump?”

Looking down at him, hair obscuring his vision, he gestures for them back. They return to his hand and then his ear.

Satisfied with the fact that he can finally let out his voice in all its melodic baritone goodness. “Wake up”—

“Already am.” Aidan yawns.

“We’ve got to train, we’re starting Silenzio today.” Leo shimmies from side to side.

“Right. Please get off of my chest.” Aidan gives light taps to the outside of Leo’s left thigh.

He rolls back, lands on his lap, rolls back once more and lands on the floor. From there, he continues on his way to the door before getting up. He’s barely outside of Aidan’s bedroom door, and likewise his own, when he slides the glass —tinted and untinted, transparent, translucent and opaque all at the same time—open.

The gym behind them is on par with some of the finest private establishments in Ncana. In the centre of the room are the grounds for many forms of combat: a mat primarily used for amaetur wrestling, a boxing ring, a professional wrestling ring, and a cage for mixed martial arts. All alphabetised and categorised by which muscle group they're meant to target. Their exercise equipment line the mirrorless walls, only broken by the entrance to the locker room and adorned with their athletic achievements.

Standing on the standard regulation mat, acting as referee despite being dressed in the least appropriate attire—silk pyjamas—is Leonardo-Nawa’s dad, his ndate. His big salt-and-pepper beard is a bit wet from the drink he holds in a mug with ‘Big Boys Drink Coffee’ written opposite the handle.

“Good morning, Ndate.” He hugs him.

“Morning, Little Lion.” His ndate wraps his barrel arms around him, tapping his back no more than three times. “Did you sleep well?”

“The Champions of Kuatoñembe would be jealous of my rest.”

“Then you must win like they did.”

“Yesterday didn’t count.”

“It did to me,” Aidan says from the doorframe.

“Aidan, my boy. How did you sleep?” He goes over to embrace him and they meet in the middle of both of their strides.

“I slept well, Uncle.” He releases the hug.

“I hope Leo didn’t keep you up too long last night.”

“No, but he tried to make sure I woke up worse.” Aidan gives him a sideways glance.

“False accusations.” Leo lets his tongue slip through his smile.

“Regardless, you two should get ready.” He says. “Especially you, Little Lion. Aidan’s been on a streak.”

“I’ll make you proud, ndate.” Leonardo-Nawa says on his way into the other room.

In it are lockers, a row of showers, an ice bath, and a sauna. Leo-Nawa turns left into the lockers and left again to come face to face with what’s been his locker for as long as he’s remembered. Private instructors, friends and lovers have come and gone through this space. He taps on the translucent screen that forms its door and swipes past all of his sports attires: wrestling, basketball, volleyball, boxing, judo, and jiu-jitsu. Once it's open, he pulls out purple and silver trunks with a matching pair of trainers. Turning around, he takes a moment to look at Aidan as he dresses, already completely stripped down from his awful shirt and average shorts. They’ve practically eaten and trained the same since puberty, but damn does that muscle look better on Aidan than it ever has on himself. It doesn’t help that he’s half a head taller than him. His eyes dart between his own attire and his friend changing, although he knows he doesn’t have to focus on himself to change properly. Regardless, they stretch together and make their way to the mat.

“You both have read the rule book, but just in case you’re a little bit rusty, I'll say everything. Show respect before and after the match. Each match has two five minute rounds. You win by making the other person submit, pinning both of their shoulders to the mat, or by gaining the most points by the end of both rounds. You gain points via takedowns, reversals, exposure, penalties, escapes, and if your opponent gets fouled.

“We all know what gets you fouled, but it must be said that there will be no scratching, no pinching, no pulling tails; and no biting ears, noses, lips, necks or balls. Leo.”

“That was one time and I was five, ndate.”

“It wouldn't be the last time you've had balls in your mouth,” Aidan comments.

“Aidan,” he responds in shock.

“One time too many.” Ndate says before taking an exaggerated deep breath. “Got all that?”

They both nod.

“Wakule!”

Their fists touch, becoming open palms and gliding past each other. With the proper respect shown, they trace an ill-defined circle within the larger circle of the mat. Never letting the other leave his gaze, Leonardo-Nawa sidesteps in-sync with him for a few seconds more, before cinching him in a collar-and-elbow tie-up. An attempt to hook his leg and drop him to the ground fails. He moves as if shoved back and drops into a squat-walk, manoeuvring behind him. With his arms around Aidan's waist, he attempts another sweep. Aidan falls. He’s firm behind the redhead now on his hands and knees. A quick shift brings him to his front where he’s a hair’s width away from getting him within a guillotine choke. He’s dropped onto his back during an attempt to get up. His leg is trapped, and he turns and flips.

“Round one is over,” Ndate calls out. “Take a minute to rest.”

They hug and sit down before sitting down in different corners of the mat.

“Close but no cigar.” Leonardo-Nawa taunts in-between breaths.

“I’ll be smoking that Ngela-Machiavelli pack.” He wipes his sweat through his hair.

“You can try.”

“Back to the centre, boys.”

Doing as they’re told, they perform a second handshake. Afterwards, they sidestep across from each other in another ill-defined circle. Aidan attempts to grab him by the shoulders. Leo shoots under and slithers behind. With a tight grip around his waist, he attempts to hook his leg. He shifts it right before he can, pushing the offending appendage to the side and further lowering his stance. His grip remains. In retaliation, he pushes his arms under and spreads them out to break it. Once again, they face each other. Another circle, another attempt. This one from Leonardo-Nawa, dropping to one knee. He clenches his right leg and attempts a sweep with the other. Aidan falls. He mounts him to stop any attempt at getting up, before transitioning into an armbar attempt. Disappointingly, Aidan moves his forearm down his torso and tears it from his grip. Once off his torso, he runs it up his thigh and grabs hold of Leo-Nawa’s ankle. He turns him onto his stomach from that anchor point. Aidan's legs wrap around his, ending at his lower back, and he secures the hold. He can feel his ankle twist past natural points, and as much as he doesn’t want to, as much as he wants to work his way out, the pain becomes too much. He’s forced to tap. One. Two. Three. One. Two. Three. Finally, he releases.

“You’re off your game, champ.” Aidan smirks at him.

He sucks his teeth and says “Fifty to forty-eight now. You’re catching up.”

“And you’re still standing.”

He flashes him a smile and shakes his head, looking down.

His ndate chimes in with “You two have been training thirty-two/eleven; eleven days a week after graduation. I’m proud of you boys.”

“Thank you, Ndate.”

“Yeah. Thanks, uncle.”

“No problem, boys. No problem. Now go hit the showers.” He pats them both on the back and leaves with his never ending supply of caffeine in hand.

In the locker room, already stripped down to everything the Greater Pantheon supplied them with, Leo-Nawa runs his water hot, but Aidan runs his scalding. He lets his hair cover his face for a few minutes and lets out a post-match groan.

“Should I get your tail?” Aidan asks.

He holds out the shampoo bottle. “Thank you, darling.”

He flicks his hair back.

“Ptuh. You hit me in the mouth.” He pulls his hair.

“Ah! Fuck you,” Leo-Nawa responds.

“Mhm.”

Aidan slides his hands around his tail, holding it outside of the reach of the water to allow a lather to form.

“Do you think Bri’s going to make us watch the Drifter franchise again?”

“Probably.”

“I can’t wait, honestly. It never gets old.”

“Together… anything is possible.” Aidan does a purposefully scuffed impression of Street Queen, Aroa Rico.

“It’s shlock, but it’s good shlock.” He receives the shampoo once again. “Turn around for me, darling.”

“Sure,” he responds.

With Aidan’s tail in his hand, Leo-Nawa gives it a tug before asking “What about Ayesha?”

“Ngh. Playing through Capsule Creatures again.”

“As usual. Looking at her posts on Thought Bubble, it's four again.”

“You've memorised?”

He hands him his fluffy bicoloured tail back. “We've all known each other for what? Twenty odd years? Of course.”

They make their way outside and onto the large stretch of concrete typically used as a parking lot.

“We’re ready to start, Ndate,” Leonardo-Nawa says.

“Wrong daddy, mate.” Ash turns around, machine gun in hand.

“Chi”—

Foam pellets fly at them at speeds immeasurable at the moment. Nevertheless, platinum bends and links together around his neck. Before the chain can close, amethyst grows crystalline structure by crystalline structure before him and slides onto it. He accumulates a percentage of excess potential energy into his feet and propels himself forward, moving Aidan a metre away before reaching Ash. The gun is in his hands. He presses it onto her neck.

“Good job, Nardo.” She gives him a handshake. “Looks like you’re still fast at everything you do.”

He chuckles as he responds “And it looks like you’re still a shit shot.”

“I’d rather miss than shoot blanks.” Ash ruffles his hair.

“Good to see you, Ash.”

“Same to you, cunt.”

“Hey, Natasha.” Aidan waves at her.

“Aidan, you tall bastard. How's the weather?”

“Good. You?”

“I’ve been alright.” She takes the gun back and puts it away. “Are you fuckers ready to start?”

They both nod.

“Good. Nardo’s already used his zeka, so now it’s your turn. Stand four metres away.”

Leonardo-Nawa watches Aidan do just that, standing back himself in case he’s sure of what comes next. Natasha pulls out a large, red flamethrower.

“Is that new?” Aidan asks.

“Yeah, I just got it. Absolutely ace, ain’t it.”

“Very, very nice. But… not as good as my lighter.” He flicks the metallic-blue gift Leo’s father got him open.

“It’s all about firepower.”

“Good things come in small packages.”

Natasha turns her head to Leo, asking him “When did you start calling him ‘Good Things’?”

He tilts his head slightly to the right. “Apparently the second you assumed I was ‘Small Packages’.”

��Don’t worry, mate. It’s not about your dick this time.”

“Good.”

“It’s ‘cause you’re short as shit.”

“Oh.”

“Anywho, Lucky Liu. I need to burn Aidan alive.”

“Aren’t you a sniper?”

“Yep.”

“Have you used that beforehand?”

“Nope.”

“Yet you’re aiming and firing that directly at Aidan?”

“Relax. Your pet won’t get hurt too bad.”

She pulls the trigger and a ball of flame bursts out from the muzzle. Although it may look like Aidan’s been burnt to a standing crisp, upon further inspection and half a sidestep, Aidan’s spread the fire away from him. In an instant, the flame dulls despite Ash’s ever-insistent trigger finger, and she lets the flamethrower leave her hands. “Good job, boys. Next it's yumbu.” She puts the guns into a duffle bag behind her. “Follow me to the big, fuck off maze your dad made you.”

“You’ve been here for a while, haven't you?”

“Just long enough to put shit in there.”

Together they stroll through the floral rainbow known as the bushes and hedges comprising the garden of the Machiavelli Estate. It’s a death trap for anyone with a pollen allergy, but Leonardo-Nawa loves it all the same, spending time to stop and smell them as they make their way to—as Ash described it—the ‘big, fuck off maze’ his ndate had constructed for his tenth birthday party. Unlike the rainbow of everything else, the structure at the centre is formed from nothing but different shades of his favourite colour.

Ash sits down on the ground. “You really like Zalunga violets, don’t you?”

“It’s all purple in general,” Aidan comments.

“It helps that grass is violet too,” he admits to people who've known this his entire life. “Zalunga violets are just more so.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What are we doing?” Aidan looks over to her.

“Team-building, boys.”

“With a catch?” Leonardo-Nawa asks.

“Yep. Catch.” She tosses objects at the both of them simultaneously.

“Aren’t these”—

“Shitty walkie-talkie toys I took from work? Yes.”

“Is this how you teach your students too?”

“Less swearing, but similar.” She mentions. “Anywho, Aido runs around in there, puts his messages, leaves and directs you from outside.”

“How many?”

“However many you really want, honestly.”

“And how does my yumbu come into play?” Leonardo interjects.

“This is more about your zeka, but you’ll see.” She explains. “Are you ready, Aido?”

He nods. Prior to entry, all the components necessary to make a gas mask float onto his face.

“Contact me when you need me.” Aidan adds.

“Got it.”

It’s not too long before he returns, maskless.

“Your phones, boys.” Ash sticks her hand out.

“Natasha.” Leonardo-Nawa protests.

“That's Mrs. Blackheart to you, mate,” she says in the tone she doesn't even use with her students.

“Who made you a Mrs.?”

“If you keep talking, it'll be your boytoy over here.”

Aidan turns to her and squints.

“Don't act like you weren't thinking it.”

Leo-Nawa sighs and slaps his phone into her hand, followed by Aidan doing the same.

A single step in, he hears the first message.

Audio Checkpoint: “One.”

Leonardo clicks the button at the side of the toy, saying “What’s first, darling?”

“Left.”

Audio Checkpoint: “Now two.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Right, forward, left.”

Audio Checkpoint: “Three. Keep going.”

“You’re on your own by seven,” Aidan explains.

“Perfect. Absolutely perfect.”

“Prep your head to take everything down; double right.”

Audio Checkpoint: “You’ve found four. Nice.”

“I’m going to give you the first half, Leo,” Aidan warns him.

“Go ahead, darling. I’m ready.” He makes small bounces from left to right.

“Forward, right, left, forward, left, forward, right, left, and triple forward.”

Audio Checkpoint: “Five. Third of the way.”

“Here’s the second half: double left, forward, double right, double left, double right and forward,” he explains further.

“Wait… what was the first one again?”

“Leo, are you—”

“I’m only joking, darling.” He laughs to himself. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

Audio Checkpoint: “Six. You’re doing good so far.”

For the first time this entire challenge, Leonardo-Nawa has been untethered. The only memories he can allow himself to draw on are those of a few seconds ago. He breathes—truly breathes—in the air around him. It’s untouched now. He dare not light a cigar here—not anymore. There is too much this place holds for him to sully again. He steps.

Audio Checkpoint: “Seven. I should still be connected now.”

“Are you still there, darling?” he asks into the toy.

Static.

“It was worth a shot.”

He puts it back into his pocket and follows instructions, segmenting and throwing away any previous movements to make it easier for himself to go through. Run? Walk? Jog? He has to go fast, but he must remain measured and without mistakes.

Audio Checkpoint: “Eight. I hope you’ve found these in order.”

So far, so good. He moves with the grace and elegance he carried in his ballet days. Not a foot out of place. Not a breath misplaced. He can see the faint remnants of streamers and decorations, riddles even. They fade from his vision like a guide out of a video game. Ndate put too much love into this.

“Left, forward.”

Another section to be deleted.

Audio Checkpoint: “Nine. I wonder what the others are doing now.”

Music from times long past entered his ears, repeated many times before.

“You live, you laugh

Your time won’t pass

Today’s your day

(It is your day)

Only your day

(Only your day)

So we are here to say Happy Birthday.”

He hums it to himself, taking a small break to dance. There’s no point in escaping the memories.

Audio Checkpoint: “Ten. You are now two thirds of the way in.”

He never knew he’d be this tall. Halfway up the walls that looked like vine monoliths chose to rest beside him not too long ago. Tall enough to reach the top shelf, but not tall enough to dwarf his ima like he wished to and made joking threats about. Tall enough to hold someone, but not tall enough to stop being held. He runs his hands against them as he makes his way over. Up and down as they touch them, making invisible zigzags. High knees, and exaggerated lean and swaying to entertain him as he goes. His hair flows through the wind alongside the tassels on his jacket. Throughout, Aidan’s instructions sound far shorter than they feel. One third left. What will he find in the middle?

Audio Checkpoint: “Eleven. I wonder… Am I running out of words of encouragement?”

“You’re doing great, darling,” he responds.

Even though he knows for a fact that he can't hear him, it’s nice to hear his voice. With all its expressionless worth. It’s like a still life piece from a beyond talented artist. Although, it could easily be from his own deep infatuation. Some would call the two of them brothers, but he doesn’t like that. It isn’t true, nor is it favourable. They’ve lived with each other since they were two, yet his parents never adopted him. He never wanted them too. They never wanted to. Maybe he knew he’d fall in love with him, and maybe there was an instance or two over the years that he did too. His parents said it was to make sure he never forgot his original ones—they were close—so their interests aligned.

Audio Checkpoint: “Twelve. I don’t think I am. You’re doing really well so far.”

“I know you aren’t, darling. Thank you.”

He strokes the cigar in his pocket with his thumb to resist the feeling. He’ll smoke when he’s done. When’s done with both halves, he’ll smoke. Maybe he won’t. He shouldn’t. A drink? Maybe. Nice and cold, sweet too. One over rocks and a low alcohol content. Something that goes good with a brownie like some Maula. A reward for himself.

Audio Checkpoint: “Thirteen. I have definitely been disconnected at this point. You’ve got this, Leo.”

“Yes you have, darling.”

He’s tempted to stand still, he’s so close. No doubt it won’t affect his time. His passive use of his zeka no longer impresses him. It’s all natural. Until the next fever—provided that it comes.

The inside of his head becomes a forest after a fire. Not a single thought can live anymore.

“What did he say? What did he say?” he whispers to himself. “Which inconsequential words left his beautiful lips? Speak to me, darling. Speak to me.”

“Left, right,” his memory responds.

Audio Checkpoint: “Fourteen. You’re too close to turn back now. There’s a surprise in the centre.”

The final stretch. There are no drums or shouting in near-forgotten tongues. Instead, he hears snoring. It’s not even there, he’s sure of it, but it also is. Leonardo-Nawa is unsure of whether he’s a centimetre away or a kilometre. Even if, he knows exactly who it is. Why is she here? The fact that she’s sleeping is the most normal thing about this scenario. This reality he’s in.

“Right, forward.”

He walks in accordance.

“Ayesha?” Leonardo tilts his head, standing outside of the arc.

There she is, sleeping on a marble bench in the centre of the maze. Before he can say anything to her, another message begins to play.

Audio Checkpoint: “Fifteen. Congrats. You found all the checkpoints. Pick up Ayesha and get out. Be careful.

Having heard this, he moves further into the centre. After a flutter of her wings, she sits up and yawns.

“Oh. Hi, Nana.”

“Eesh? What are you doing here?”

Picking up her Ricochet Fusion, she replies “Sleeping.”

“Of course you were.” He hands Ayesha her custom walking stick, squatting down in front of her.

She hops onto his back. “Go, Nana!”

“Do you want to go on my shoulders instead?”

“They’ll see me over the things.”

“You’re tiny, and who are they?”

She covers her mouth as if she wasn’t supposed to say a word.

Leonardo-Nawa tosses Ayesha up and she lands onto his shoulders. Asking her to fly around would be a useless endeavour, even though after all these years he's always the first to consider it. With her cane in hand, he knows why. It would be up to him to navigate in either case. In his head, he's traversing the treacherous landscape that is his own mind, hoping to step on a memory as he makes his way out. Everything seems to be going well in his opinion: he's retrieved his kundo care package, and she's safe playing video games on the top of his well cared for curls. Leonardo-Nawa’s search has yet to bear fruit. After all, it's just started. He assumed the process would be a bit faster. Mainly because he already passed the centre where he used to stare into the sky and think of nothing. There it is, fading in the rearview. If only he could speed up his brain power with his zeka. Maybe if he's lucky, he'll have a zeyugo fever during the downtime between missions. Although, that does mean he would've changed significantly. For better or for worse.

“Ah shit,” Ayesha blurts out.

“What’s wrong?” asks Leo-Nawa, turning his gaze towards the gremlin on his shoulders.

“Wild encounter, and I can't run.”

When he turns back towards the trail, he’s met with a low energy scare in the form of a “Boo.”

His face contorts into a horror beyond his own comprehension via involuntary use of his yumbu. The living afro below him smacks him upside the head repeatedly with a shotgun he prays is empty around five hits in.

He leaves the hideous mask it formed behind in favour of his zeka, so he can maintain consciousness for long enough to finish the maze. “It's gone, Bri.”

“What did I say about using that shit on me?” Brianna asks, staring daggers at him from her wheelchair.

“I didn't know it was you.”

“Who did you think it was?”

“Sentient black truffle?”

“That's new.”

Leo-Nawa and Brianna hug in greeting, Ayesha waving from his shoulders as they do. On their way out, he steps on a memory—or more a collection of them. Countless nights where Aidan and himself would run away from the aunties and the uncles and his parents to avoid going to sleep at reasonable hours. They hid in the exact spot Bri popped out of in fact. Too many years ago. Whether it was after events which ended late enough as is, or a little four day period officially starting the second their seven day school week was through known as the week’s edge. One day it was them, next cousin Luna was added whenever she came to visit, and more typically it was the entirety of a group readying themselves to undertake the name of Silenzio. The sounds of Capsule Creatures 4: Through Wind & Water comprise the soundtrack of their short journey. He whistles along, finding solace in how it interacted with the breeze around them. Nothing else seems fitting. Her choice to play the 15-year-old game reminds him of simpler times, harder times, and just last month. He holds out a purple stuffed cigar between his finger tips, yet he neglects to light it for now.

“Rah,” shouts a voice deep beyond comprehension.

As Leonardo-Nawa’s face contorts, he’s pulled into someone's chest, ceasing the process entirely. “Okay, Gi-Gi, I missed you too. Now, please let me out of the black hole that is your chest.”

He's released and meets the smiling face of Giueseppe, a person who couldn’t be described as less than a mountain that can hug. A warm mountain, a caring mountain, being the joint youngest in the group, an innocent mountain as well, one that asks “How was your holiday?”

“It was great. Did you manage to get your licence?”

“Driving or temple?”

“Both licences.”

Giuseppe nods in response as Ayesha flies onto his shoulders and hugs his face.

In the next section, whatever it may truly mean, he sees the spots where he got pinned down by and pinned down former partners and lovers. A paradise away from paradise. Scraps of protection and contraception all cleared up by now. It's truly as clean as the first day. If he listens over the soothing melody for just a moment, his mind can bring their voices back to him. A mixtape he's burnt through too many times before. Even the worst of them were always good at what they did. However, when his parents were away, he barred off his floor and found the sheets more fitting for the role. Those and the locker room. A movie of his own making—seldom with lights, never with cameras, and never ending action.

A question knocks on Leonardo-Nawa’s mind, and he must let it in: “When did you guys get here anyway? Ash wasn't clear.”

“09:00,” responds Brianna, polishing one of Ayesha’s knives as she rolls.

“Rehearsing your little, spooky song and dance, I assume.”

“Napping,” Ayesha.

“She was. Giuseppe and I were talking to Ash about how we're doing this.” She sheathes the blade.

With his question answered, he scurries back into his mind, finding footing on the far more wholesome memories of ‘Dr. Leonardo-Nawa & Dr. Aidan: Explorers of Everything!’ A multiple season adventure drama they constructed all with their own minds. It's a proud achievement: using their imaginations so effectively. Their toys and plushies comprised the cast, and it aired between once their homework and lunch was done and way past their bedtimes. Sometimes they'd talk to their friends about it as if it was something they actually watched. Anything for the sake of a good story. They made their first ansi that way. A picture they took of them holding their earnings sits between all of Silenzio being each other's prom dates and him wearing his first pair of hearing aids.

“Sorry if I scared you guys a bit too much.” Leo-Nawa snaps back to reality.

“Eh. Your dumbass didn’t know we were here anyway,” Brianna replies.

“I managed to avoid it.” Giuseppe beams.

“Yes you did, big guy.”

He jumps up to pat him on the head, before continuing with their walk through memory maze. Having them all around him—here, after so long—reminds him of his first arrival in this place. His tenth birthday. It was wonderful. The secrets hidden in every crevice this place holds, the race to the finish, the bouncy castle waiting for him and friends long forgotten at the end. All of it is just wonderful.

Aidan and him got a little tent of their own—set it up themselves too. It’s what inspired them to start their stories in the first place. One day, a storm raged on in less time than it took either of them to blink. Ndate and ima called out their names, having started off into the maze to find them. Leo-Nawa clutched his hand and they ran towards his parents together—they were sick for the week after, but it was worth it.

They’re reaching the end, he can feel it. Memories are coming to an end. The spots where he used to drink outside of his parents' view, maybe a little too much, stare at him on their way out. Sanctuary.

It’s only now when he considers how long it’s taken for them to make their way out. They’ve kept a good pace so far. No running, but a good stride.

Aidan and Ash stand out in front of them. He tosses the walkie-talkie over to her.

They’re out.

“Congratulations, Nardo.” She starts a small applause for him. “You did well. You got five minutes.”

“Is this when the whole class gets snacks?” Leonardo-Nawa snickers.

“Well, you’re the leader. Do we?”

“Snacks sound good.” Ayesha yawns.

“First, we complete the first mission Ndate gives us. Then we can eat.”

“Group hug, everybody,” says Giuseppe in half a suggestion and half a command.

They find themselves in a warm, albeit brief, six person embrace where Ayesha makes sure to wrap her wings around everyone’s heads, giving his ears a light crushing.

While still inside, Leonardo-Nawa asks “Would you guys like to stay the night?”

“Yeah. That would be great.” Giuseppe sets Ayesha down from his shoulders.

“Sure, but I get to pick the movie.” Bri adds.

“It’s drifting time. Vroom.” The blind kundoba runs circles around the group.

“Should I order some food? I’m fucking starving.”

Aidan flicks his lighter from one hand to the next. “Meeting first.”

“Right, right, number two. The meeting.”

Leonardo-Nawa’s ndate, Don Machiavelli, sits at the head of the table. Rather than his robes from earlier, he’s placed himself in his favourite piece of formalwear: a black pinstripe suit with notch lapels over a white dress shirt and paired with black suede shoes that he bought back in Avitura. His olive skin is yet to truly feel the effects of wrinkling. A trait that—if he wasn’t his son—would be quite intimidating to him, knowing how old his ndate really is.

“Good afternoon, Silenzio.” He raises a glass of ice cold water.

“Good afternoon, Don.” Ash and Aidan.

“Good afternoon, Don Machiavelli.” Giuseppe.

“Afternoon.” Brianna.

“Good good, Uncle A.” Ayesha.

“Afternoon, ndate.” Leo-Nawa.

“Rise.”

They all do.

“Reach into the centre.”

Together they wash their hands in the bowl placed on the palm of the violet hand pyrographed into the centre of the table. One by one they grab plates loaded with a pillowy lump of nshima, imperfect cuboids of golden–brown meat drowning in their own personal oasis of thick gravy, sitting next to some diced cabbage. Silenzio feeds each other, only ever receiving from the plates outside of their control. They’re done before they know it, stacking their plates and washing their hands in new water.

“You can sit now. From now on, you have become Silenzio. A brilliant name, if I do say so myself.”

Once they’ve all sat back down, he continues “In front of you, you will see dossiers with your roles and information on your first mission. Everything should play into your strengths.”

Ayesha raises her hand.

“Yes, yours is in braille, sweetie.”

It goes back down.

“You are looking for two people: Nosiku and Mukatimui. A kundoda and kundotu who—while they look very similar—are not related. They’re members of Cielo indaco, made-women. Publically, they’re very close to Ardito and Boniface. You may not remember but they were once members of Viola Mano. We have reason to believe that they cut a deal with them: information for money. Those pieces of trash decided it was a good idea to spit in the face of me and my family, this family, by doing so. You must figure out where they are. And… if you need any extra motivation, they’re nothing more than filthy perverts. Grabbing whatever and whoever they deem fit.”

“That’s immoral,” Giuseppe cries.

“Exactly, Giuseppe.” Ndate raises his glass.

“Scum,” Ash comments.

Brianna lets out a low growl.

Aidan huffs.

Ayesha shakes her head in disapproval.

“They will be dealt with accordingly, Ndate.”

“Any questions, Silenzio?”

“Well, guys? Anything?”

They don’t respond.

“Anything else you may need is there in the dossier.” He drinks more of his wine. “Now, please, read out your roles.”

Leonardo-Nawa reads his role out loud. “Kutalifa Machela, a little known but very rich and lonely bachelor with hands in various businesses around the world. He searches the hottest spots for his next fairytale ending.”

“Samhradh Kearney, an underground fighter with a flame zeka and an undefeated streak.”

“Lan Su Chen, a silent waiter with a maroon ponytail, a pension for emeralds and a strawberry pin.”

“Lola Avia, a flashy bartender at Maids & Mugs.”

“Liam Silver, an intimidating yet friendly bouncer at Maids & Mugs.”

“Lea Cruise, a university student who finds silence in even the loudest places, choosing to study and work from clubs and parties to avoid noise complaints from neighbours. Despite this, she’s a quiet person, keeping to herself.”

Ash raises her hand.

“Yes, Natasha?” Ndate looks over to her.

“With all due respect, Don. You really want me to be quiet?”

He sips on some wine before saying “All complaints should be directed to your caporegime. He wrote all of that down.”

“Nardo, mate. Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Talent Never Dies ‘92.”

“You know what? Fair.” She sits back down.

Leo-Nawa leans forward before asking “Anyone else?”

A collective silence is their response for him.

“Good. Do we need anything else, Ndate?” He sits back.

“Everything you need is there, little lion,” he responds before adding “Weren’t you all theatre kids? This should be nothing for you.”

“We were, and we can all handle this. We’re done for the day, Silenzio.” He stands.

The rest of them follow suit one by one, his ndate remaining seated. They deliver their byes to him, before heading out of the door to watch all ten Drifter movies. Leonardo-Nawa is the last, his mind already trained on the intricacies of the mission.

[joomma]

Dachshund Santa Paw Dog Lover Ugly Christmas Sweater

Dachshund Santa Paw Dog Lover Ugly Christmas Sweater

The Dachshund Santa Paw Dog Lover Ugly Christmas Sweater story reported below is NOT the “A Christmas Story” that is the best Christmas movie ever. The movie spoken of is DIE HARD a Bruce Willis shoot-em-up. The true holiday fan-loved movie is the 50’s story of the 10 year old eye-glassed bullied kid (played by Peter Billingsly )who wanted a Red Ryder pump-action BB gun for Xmas despite being told by his parents and teachers and even Santa Claus ( at the Mall) that “you’ll shot your eye out kid!”..Now, that we’ve cleared that up that Darin McGavin “A Christmas Story” is truly the BEST Christmas movie ever. Especially when Alfie turns his rage on the town bully and his father opens the prize package marked FRAGILE which he pronounces Fra-gee-lee as though it is a European object d’ art. It turns out to be a lamp shaped by a sultry woman’s leg. A movie that is filled with nostalgia that marked the post WWII America in this Indiana heartland story. I will watch it at least twice these next few weeks.

buy it now:Dachshund Santa Paw Dog Lover Ugly Christmas Sweater

Dachshund Santa Paw Dog Lover Ugly Christmas Sweater

Dear Santa All I Want Fat Bank Account Skinny Body Ugly Christmas Sweater

Star Wars Christmas Sweater, Boba Star Wars Ugly Christmas Sweater

Homepage: liDachshund Gift All I Want For Christmas Ugly Christmas Sweater

motees    jeeppremium  telotee

7 Learn about the many exercises to develop and warm up the Jiu Jitsu Flowers Hawaii Shirt . By this I don’t mean scales and the relatively slack routine things they teach about mouth articulation of words, I mean the much more involved physical exercises that drive the diaphragm, rib cage, throat, tongue and jaw exercises that focus on getting the vocal cords and resonance developed into a fine singers voice, so you’re getting the complete output of all harmonics and frequencies you can, from deep bass to high treble and higher harmonics. You shouldn’t have to feel like higher range notes have to be a physical chore to muscle into as if you were pumping barbells to sing those notes. You have to liberate the vocal cords and condition the muscles and tissues around them for the activity of singing. Note : most singing instruction does not do this!

Gearbloom is your one-stop online shop for printed t-shirts, hoodies, phone cases, stickers, posters, mugs, and more…High quality original T-shirts. Digital printing in the USA.

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[strongpham]

Keep Rolling Until The Belt Turns Black BJJ JiuJitsu

[jiujitsunews]

Smooth Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Gifts for him and her. Funny BJJ martial arts Practitioner's clothing, get more martial arts sports motivation this wonderful BJJ grappling sports gift idea for mom, sister, friends, lovers on an anniversary Thanksgiving, Christmas, or another special occasion. It's smooth, and stylish Gifts. It's the perfect choice for cooler evenings!

https://etsy.me/3oaPfLf

[awwtees-blog]

Father And Son Jiu Jitsu Partners For Life Shirt Get yours here: https://teespring.com/father-son-jiu-jitsu-partners Let's Share & Tag Someone Who Would Love This Shirt #father #son #jiujitsu #partners #jiujitsushirt #jiujitsulover #lovejiujitsu #loveson #sonlover #sonshirt #tshirt #fathershirt #fathergift #giftforhim #gifts #birthdaygift #giftfordad #humorous #funny #bestdad #prouddad #daddy #father #papa #partnersforlife #fatherandson

[tuwam]

THE ULTIMATE GET-TO-KNOW GUIDE. REPOST, don’t reblog.

FAVORITE THINGS:

season: summer colour: yellow / baby blue pie: apple and blueberry fruit: watermelon and grapefruit ice cream flavor: orange sherbet / creamsicle breakfast food: hot cakes!!!! breakfast burritos!! alcoholic drink: likes to drink beer socially but prefers fruity drinks soda flavor: strawberry / peach scent: watermelon candy, ocean breeze scent packets flowers: sunflowers animal: BELUGA WHALES, SEA TURTLES movie: the little mermaid, sleeping beauty tv show: animal shows, running man, happy together book: n/a superhero: mera fairy tale: the little mermaid, disney princesses in general genre of music: k-r&b and pop, alternative pop genre of movies: any genre of books: mostly informational text for her studies

PICK ONE:

hot or cold juice or soda tv or movie movie or book late night talk shows or reality tv twitter or instagram trees or flowers philosophy or psychology ocean or lake water park or amusement park cats or dogs fresh water or sparkling water sugar or honey cookies or candy bath or shower morning or night running or walking piercings or tattoos frozen yogurt or ice cream vanilla or chocolate caramel or butterscotch art or music t-shirt or button down text or call ghosts or aliens

HAVE THEY EVER:

ridden a motorcycle: yes stolen something: no eaten an entire pizza by themselves: yes made a prank call: no broken a bone: yes fallen asleep during a concert or movie: no walked out of a movie because it was so bad: no been on the phone with someone for longer than 2 hours: yes dined & dashed: no held a gun: no ding dong ditched: no gone skinny dipping: yes cried during a movie: yes smuggled food into a movie: no lied to get a job: no practiced lines in front of a mirror: yes tried to see how many marshmallows they can stuff in their mouth at once: always been kicked out of somewhere: no been on a blind date: no ghosted someone: no bragged about something they haven’t done: no said i love you without meaning it: no gotten in a fight: no fallen asleep on a bus: yes

MISCELLANEOUS:

how do they take their tea or coffee: coffee with lots of sugar and cream, soy milk lover what is their ideal date: trip to the beach!!!! what are some of their guilty pleasures: scuba diving and deep sea diving when she can. going abalone fishing! surfing if she could! longest they’ve stayed up for: an entire 24 hours, she doesn’t hold long though without naps. biggest purchase: her apartment! greatest talent: diving skills are superb. strange habits: n/a first job: worked as a waitress, favorite job was character acting as sleeping beauty and ariel. can they do a handstand: yes can they cook: yes! do they believe in the paranormal: yeah do they have allergies: no do they believe in love in first sight: yeah sure! have any special talents: trained in jiu jitsu, can pop a wheelie on a bike and ride it for about a mile without dropping,

tagged by: @consilian

[majinshop]

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Spreadshirt prints a huge variety of custom clothing like T-shirts, hoodies and more. Your order is handled daily with a lot of love  ❤️ from USA and delivered worldwide!

[strongpham]

The Perfect gift with funny quote 'Keep Rolling Until The Belt Turns Black'. for all JiuJitsu Belt Levels, White, Blue, Purple, Brown and Black Belts.

[trendytopshirts]

Keep Rolling Until The Belt Turns Black BJJ JiuJitsu T-Shirt

Keep Rolling Until The Belt Turns Black BJJ JiuJitsu T-Shirt

Keep Rolling Until The Belt Turns Black BJJ JiuJitsu ❤ https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07ZBZD17W – #jiujitsu #bjj #brazilianjiujitsu #jiujitsumom #jiujitsudad #americanflag #rank #belts #giftidea ##jiujitsugirls #jiujitsuguys #ilovebjj

[ashley-nicole-us-blog]

All I Care About Is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu And Like Maybe 3 People T-Shirt

[funny-gifts-shop]

Are you looking for a one-of-a-kind gift? You can stop searching now, this "Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu T-Shirt Sport Fan Lover Funny Gift for Gag Unisex Tee" is sure to make your recipient smile from ear to ear! Unique T-Shirts with hilarious quote sayings make the best gift idea for someone who has everyt... :D Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu T-Shirt Sport Fan Lover Funny Gift for Gag Unisex Tee 🤩 Do You Love it? Click on the Image to Get It Now! . #BrazilianJiu-Jitsu #Brazilian #Jiu-Jitsu #TShirt #Shirt #Sport #FunnyGifts #GiftShop #GiftIdeas --> Get it here: https://buff.ly/32jhjlk

[theniceshirts]

via Products – The Nice Shirts

[joseaesquea]

Credit to @xanderibeirojj : Ao vestir essa camisa, estamos vestindo um sonho de milhares de jovens que batalham dia e noite por um ideal. Parabéns a todos vocês amantes do Jiu Jitsu nos proporcionam um show. Acreditem nos seus Sonhos sempre. Oss • By wearing this shirt, we are wearing a dream of thousands of young people who battle day and night for an ideal. Congratulations to all of you Jiu Jitsu lovers who give us a show. Believe in your Dreams always. Oss • #RibeiroStrong #BecauseWeCare #WeAreRibeiro #6Blades #RibeiroJiuJitsu #Guerreiro6Blades #BJJLibrary #JiuJitsuDeRaiz #ClassicJiuJitsu #JiuJitsu #Yoga #BJJ #Judo #Grappling #XandeRibeiro #FujiAthlete @bjjlibrary @ribeirojiujitsu @unijjsd @ribeirojiujitsubrasil @fujisportsus @fisiopro1 #Repost @ibjjf ・・・ @xanderibeirojj ready to represent the six blades this weekend! #ibjjfworld2018 #ibjjfworlds2018 Watch all matches live on @flograppling

[cristinajourdanqp]

6 Ways Primal Types Can Observe Halloween

I’ll take the holiday bait today. It’s true…with its emphasis on candy consumption, many Primal types feel lost on Halloween. They don’t know what to do with themselves.

The costumes are fun, and being with friends is always a good time, but how should they react to all that sugar? It’s a hard thing.

Luckily, today I have 6 ways you can observe Halloween while staying true to your Primal roots.

Do Some Ancestral Reenactment

Everyone knows, deep down, that going Primal is really all about re-enacting ancient hunter-gatherers. Personally, my mode of communication and utilization of Internet technology is a source of deep shame. I’d much rather cite PubMed entries while sitting around a campfire. If I could, I’d smash my laptop, renounce antibiotics, toss my toothbrush. That I cannot find the courage to do so is slowly killing me on the inside.

But I can’t. I’m in too deep. So I use Halloween as the one day out of the year that I can fully embody the paleolithic hunter-gatherer that yearns to burst free. I suggest you do the same. Put on a loincloth. Grab an atlatl. Contract a parasite. Live the dream, if only for one night.

Dress Up As Your Favorite Obscure Ancestral Health Community Celebrity

Sure, almost no one will get your costume. But when you meet someone who does, you’ll know you have a friend or lover for life. A few ideas:

Robb Wolf: Wear a jiu jitsu gi and a big broad smile; refer to everyone as “folks.”

Mark Sisson: No shirt, paint-on abs, and a frisbee.

Chris Masterjohn: Carry a cup of egg yolks, and hand out vitamin K2 capsules.

Bill Lagos: Blue blockers and a blow torch.

Peter Attia: Ride a road bike while wearing only a speedo and carrying a gallon bag of cashews.

Stephan Guyenet: Wear a peasant’s burlap tunic, and carry around a dinner plate containing boiled cabbage, boiled chicken breast, boiled potato.

Petro Dobromylskj: Dress as a molecule of palmitic acid.

Emily Deans: Doctor’s lab coat made of mammoth fur, stethoscope made of bone; hand out samples of magnesium glycinate and SSRIs.

Michelle Tam (NomNomPaleo): Carry an Instant Pot filled to the brim with Red Boat fish sauce.

Richard Nikolay: Naked, dusted with raw potato starch, with Bitcoin hash emblazoned in Sharpie across chest.

Give Out Healthy Primal Treats To Trick-or-Treaters

There’s nothing kids love more than healthy treats on Halloween. Some options that the kids in our neighborhood just love:

Teaspoons of Cod Liver Oil: Keep capsules on hand for kids with costumes that restrict mouth access.

Raw Liver Shake: Blend up some raw liver (beef, lamb, or chicken) with a little OJ and frozen blueberries. Serve in tiny, decorative Dixie cups.

100% Cacao Dark Chocolate: Everyone knows that kids love chocolate.

Kale Chips: Fill a big serving bowl with loose kale chips and let the kids grab as many as they like.

Mini Bottles of Natural Dry-Farmed Wine: Reduced alcohol content makes it perfect for minors.

Dark Chocolate Covered Brussels Sprouts: Fill snack-sized Ziplocs with 3-4 Primal “truffles.” Tell them to eat it quick before it melts!

Magnesium Oil Spritzes: Spray everyone who comes to the door. Tell the irate parents it will help their kids sleep, so they should thank you.

4-inch PVC Pipe Sections for Foam Rolling: As kids approach, be rolling out your quads as an example. Actual foam rollers are best but get rather expensive.

Single-Serving Kerrygold Butter Slivers: Just cut each stick of butter into 8 pieces, wrap in foil, keep in fridge, and hand out. Tell them it’s expensive and they should appreciate it.

Offer Lessons in Evolved Fear

In this Sunday’s Weekend Link Love, I linked to an article about the evolution of fear. It turns out that most of the things we innately fear, like snakes, spiders, heights, the dark, and deep water correspond to real dangers faced throughout the course of human evolution. Halloween is the perfect time to give a lesson on how it all works.

Gather three tarantulas, three black widows, two scorpions, one snake (ideally not venomous), 1000 fly larvae, two bats, and assorted cobwebs and other bugs. Set up shop on the edge of a rocky cliff. The possibilities are endless.

Rail Against the Sins of Sugar Consumption On the Busiest Trick-or-Treating Corner

Now’s the perfect time to change hearts and minds. Dress in your Sunday best, grab a big sandwich board sign, and scrawl quotes from Gary Taubes and yours truly. Wear the sign and hit the busiest trick-or-treating street near you.

Hand out printed out copies of “The Definitive Guide to Sugar.” Have the article on sugar alcohols handy in case you get into nuanced discussions.

Tell kids that “Sisson saves” and “Gary loves you but hates the sin.”

Burn a pile of granulated sugar in the street. Make sure it burns, rather than turns into delicious caramel.

Hand out stevia packets.

Go On a Candy Bender

It’s Halloween night. Your kids are down for the count, having eaten their nightly allotment. Cleaning up, you come across a Baby Ruth candy bar. It used to be your favorite one. In your heyday, you’d go through five King-Sized bars every week. How long has it been?

You’re doing so well. You just read The Keto Reset and finally beat that stall you hit a few months back. The weight’s flying off, and by the looks of it appears to be almost all lost body fat. Your wife’s even taken notice. You feel her eyes all over you, lingering in the best of ways.

One can’t hurt…. You unwrap it, take a bite. You take another. And another. It’s gone. You’re on to the next one.

You hit the chocolates first. Snickers, Kit-Kat, Milky Way. Then the fruity candies: Skittles, Starbursts, Sour Patch Kids, Sweet Tarts. Then the weird stuff you hated as a kid. candy corn, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls. You don’t care anymore. You eat it all.

Your child’s stash exhausted, you move onto the drug stores. CVS is selling fun-sized Three Musketeers for a buck a bag. You don’t even like nougat, but you buy out the store anyway. That’s the last thing you remember.

Three months later, you have no teeth. Your insulin is so high you can feel it. All the weight’s back on, and more. You stumble to a pay phone and dial your house. A stranger picks up. “There’s no one here by that name.”

Well, that’s it for today. If you’ve got any other ideas for observing Halloween as a devoted Primal type, share the joy below.

Thanks for stopping by today. Happy Halloween, everybody.

[fishermariawo]

6 Ways Primal Types Can Observe Halloween

I’ll take the holiday bait today. It’s true…with its emphasis on candy consumption, many Primal types feel lost on Halloween. They don’t know what to do with themselves.

The costumes are fun, and being with friends is always a good time, but how should they react to all that sugar? It’s a hard thing.

Luckily, today I have 6 ways you can observe Halloween while staying true to your Primal roots.

Do Some Ancestral Reenactment

Everyone knows, deep down, that going Primal is really all about re-enacting ancient hunter-gatherers. Personally, my mode of communication and utilization of Internet technology is a source of deep shame. I’d much rather cite PubMed entries while sitting around a campfire. If I could, I’d smash my laptop, renounce antibiotics, toss my toothbrush. That I cannot find the courage to do so is slowly killing me on the inside.

But I can’t. I’m in too deep. So I use Halloween as the one day out of the year that I can fully embody the paleolithic hunter-gatherer that yearns to burst free. I suggest you do the same. Put on a loincloth. Grab an atlatl. Contract a parasite. Live the dream, if only for one night.

Dress Up As Your Favorite Obscure Ancestral Health Community Celebrity

Sure, almost no one will get your costume. But when you meet someone who does, you’ll know you have a friend or lover for life. A few ideas:

Robb Wolf: Wear a jiu jitsu gi and a big broad smile; refer to everyone as “folks.”

Mark Sisson: No shirt, paint-on abs, and a frisbee.

Chris Masterjohn: Carry a cup of egg yolks, and hand out vitamin K2 capsules.

Bill Lagos: Blue blockers and a blow torch.

Peter Attia: Ride a road bike while wearing only a speedo and carrying a gallon bag of cashews.

Stephan Guyenet: Wear a peasant’s burlap tunic, and carry around a dinner plate containing boiled cabbage, boiled chicken breast, boiled potato.

Petro Dobromylskj: Dress as a molecule of palmitic acid.

Emily Deans: Doctor’s lab coat made of mammoth fur, stethoscope made of bone; hand out samples of magnesium glycinate and SSRIs.

Michelle Tam (NomNomPaleo): Carry an Instant Pot filled to the brim with Red Boat fish sauce.

Richard Nikolay: Naked, dusted with raw potato starch, with Bitcoin hash emblazoned in Sharpie across chest.

Give Out Healthy Primal Treats To Trick-or-Treaters

There’s nothing kids love more than healthy treats on Halloween. Some options that the kids in our neighborhood just love:

Teaspoons of Cod Liver Oil: Keep capsules on hand for kids with costumes that restrict mouth access.

Raw Liver Shake: Blend up some raw liver (beef, lamb, or chicken) with a little OJ and frozen blueberries. Serve in tiny, decorative Dixie cups.

100% Cacao Dark Chocolate: Everyone knows that kids love chocolate.

Kale Chips: Fill a big serving bowl with loose kale chips and let the kids grab as many as they like.

Mini Bottles of Natural Dry-Farmed Wine: Reduced alcohol content makes it perfect for minors.

Dark Chocolate Covered Brussels Sprouts: Fill snack-sized Ziplocs with 3-4 Primal “truffles.” Tell them to eat it quick before it melts!

Magnesium Oil Spritzes: Spray everyone who comes to the door. Tell the irate parents it will help their kids sleep, so they should thank you.

4-inch PVC Pipe Sections for Foam Rolling: As kids approach, be rolling out your quads as an example. Actual foam rollers are best but get rather expensive.

Single-Serving Kerrygold Butter Slivers: Just cut each stick of butter into 8 pieces, wrap in foil, keep in fridge, and hand out. Tell them it’s expensive and they should appreciate it.

Offer Lessons in Evolved Fear

In this Sunday’s Weekend Link Love, I linked to an article about the evolution of fear. It turns out that most of the things we innately fear, like snakes, spiders, heights, the dark, and deep water correspond to real dangers faced throughout the course of human evolution. Halloween is the perfect time to give a lesson on how it all works.

Gather three tarantulas, three black widows, two scorpions, one snake (ideally not venomous), 1000 fly larvae, two bats, and assorted cobwebs and other bugs. Set up shop on the edge of a rocky cliff. The possibilities are endless.

Rail Against the Sins of Sugar Consumption On the Busiest Trick-or-Treating Corner

Now’s the perfect time to change hearts and minds. Dress in your Sunday best, grab a big sandwich board sign, and scrawl quotes from Gary Taubes and yours truly. Wear the sign and hit the busiest trick-or-treating street near you.

Hand out printed out copies of “The Definitive Guide to Sugar.” Have the article on sugar alcohols handy in case you get into nuanced discussions.

Tell kids that “Sisson saves” and “Gary loves you but hates the sin.”

Burn a pile of granulated sugar in the street. Make sure it burns, rather than turns into delicious caramel.

Hand out stevia packets.

Go On a Candy Bender

It’s Halloween night. Your kids are down for the count, having eaten their nightly allotment. Cleaning up, you come across a Baby Ruth candy bar. It used to be your favorite one. In your heyday, you’d go through five King-Sized bars every week. How long has it been?

You’re doing so well. You just read The Keto Reset and finally beat that stall you hit a few months back. The weight’s flying off, and by the looks of it appears to be almost all lost body fat. Your wife’s even taken notice. You feel her eyes all over you, lingering in the best of ways.

One can’t hurt…. You unwrap it, take a bite. You take another. And another. It’s gone. You’re on to the next one.

You hit the chocolates first. Snickers, Kit-Kat, Milky Way. Then the fruity candies: Skittles, Starbursts, Sour Patch Kids, Sweet Tarts. Then the weird stuff you hated as a kid. candy corn, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls. You don’t care anymore. You eat it all.

Your child’s stash exhausted, you move onto the drug stores. CVS is selling fun-sized Three Musketeers for a buck a bag. You don’t even like nougat, but you buy out the store anyway. That’s the last thing you remember.

Three months later, you have no teeth. Your insulin is so high you can feel it. All the weight’s back on, and more. You stumble to a pay phone and dial your house. A stranger picks up. “There’s no one here by that name.”

Well, that’s it for today. If you’ve got any other ideas for observing Halloween as a devoted Primal type, share the joy below.

Thanks for stopping by today. Happy Halloween, everybody.

[milenasanchezmk]

6 Ways Primal Types Can Observe Halloween

I’ll take the holiday bait today. It’s true…with its emphasis on candy consumption, many Primal types feel lost on Halloween. They don’t know what to do with themselves.

The costumes are fun, and being with friends is always a good time, but how should they react to all that sugar? It’s a hard thing.

Luckily, today I have 6 ways you can observe Halloween while staying true to your Primal roots.

Do Some Ancestral Reenactment

Everyone knows, deep down, that going Primal is really all about re-enacting ancient hunter-gatherers. Personally, my mode of communication and utilization of Internet technology is a source of deep shame. I’d much rather cite PubMed entries while sitting around a campfire. If I could, I’d smash my laptop, renounce antibiotics, toss my toothbrush. That I cannot find the courage to do so is slowly killing me on the inside.

But I can’t. I’m in too deep. So I use Halloween as the one day out of the year that I can fully embody the paleolithic hunter-gatherer that yearns to burst free. I suggest you do the same. Put on a loincloth. Grab an atlatl. Contract a parasite. Live the dream, if only for one night.

Dress Up As Your Favorite Obscure Ancestral Health Community Celebrity

Sure, almost no one will get your costume. But when you meet someone who does, you’ll know you have a friend or lover for life. A few ideas:

Robb Wolf: Wear a jiu jitsu gi and a big broad smile; refer to everyone as “folks.”

Mark Sisson: No shirt, paint-on abs, and a frisbee.

Chris Masterjohn: Carry a cup of egg yolks, and hand out vitamin K2 capsules.

Bill Lagos: Blue blockers and a blow torch.

Peter Attia: Ride a road bike while wearing only a speedo and carrying a gallon bag of cashews.

Stephan Guyenet: Wear a peasant’s burlap tunic, and carry around a dinner plate containing boiled cabbage, boiled chicken breast, boiled potato.

Petro Dobromylskj: Dress as a molecule of palmitic acid.

Emily Deans: Doctor’s lab coat made of mammoth fur, stethoscope made of bone; hand out samples of magnesium glycinate and SSRIs.

Michelle Tam (NomNomPaleo): Carry an Instant Pot filled to the brim with Red Boat fish sauce.

Richard Nikolay: Naked, dusted with raw potato starch, with Bitcoin hash emblazoned in Sharpie across chest.

Give Out Healthy Primal Treats To Trick-or-Treaters

There’s nothing kids love more than healthy treats on Halloween. Some options that the kids in our neighborhood just love:

Teaspoons of Cod Liver Oil: Keep capsules on hand for kids with costumes that restrict mouth access.

Raw Liver Shake: Blend up some raw liver (beef, lamb, or chicken) with a little OJ and frozen blueberries. Serve in tiny, decorative Dixie cups.

100% Cacao Dark Chocolate: Everyone knows that kids love chocolate.

Kale Chips: Fill a big serving bowl with loose kale chips and let the kids grab as many as they like.

Mini Bottles of Natural Dry-Farmed Wine: Reduced alcohol content makes it perfect for minors.

Dark Chocolate Covered Brussels Sprouts: Fill snack-sized Ziplocs with 3-4 Primal “truffles.” Tell them to eat it quick before it melts!

Magnesium Oil Spritzes: Spray everyone who comes to the door. Tell the irate parents it will help their kids sleep, so they should thank you.

4-inch PVC Pipe Sections for Foam Rolling: As kids approach, be rolling out your quads as an example. Actual foam rollers are best but get rather expensive.

Single-Serving Kerrygold Butter Slivers: Just cut each stick of butter into 8 pieces, wrap in foil, keep in fridge, and hand out. Tell them it’s expensive and they should appreciate it.

Offer Lessons in Evolved Fear

In this Sunday’s Weekend Link Love, I linked to an article about the evolution of fear. It turns out that most of the things we innately fear, like snakes, spiders, heights, the dark, and deep water correspond to real dangers faced throughout the course of human evolution. Halloween is the perfect time to give a lesson on how it all works.

Gather three tarantulas, three black widows, two scorpions, one snake (ideally not venomous), 1000 fly larvae, two bats, and assorted cobwebs and other bugs. Set up shop on the edge of a rocky cliff. The possibilities are endless.

Rail Against the Sins of Sugar Consumption On the Busiest Trick-or-Treating Corner

Now’s the perfect time to change hearts and minds. Dress in your Sunday best, grab a big sandwich board sign, and scrawl quotes from Gary Taubes and yours truly. Wear the sign and hit the busiest trick-or-treating street near you.

Hand out printed out copies of “The Definitive Guide to Sugar.” Have the article on sugar alcohols handy in case you get into nuanced discussions.

Tell kids that “Sisson saves” and “Gary loves you but hates the sin.”

Burn a pile of granulated sugar in the street. Make sure it burns, rather than turns into delicious caramel.

Hand out stevia packets.

Go On a Candy Bender

It’s Halloween night. Your kids are down for the count, having eaten their nightly allotment. Cleaning up, you come across a Baby Ruth candy bar. It used to be your favorite one. In your heyday, you’d go through five King-Sized bars every week. How long has it been?

You’re doing so well. You just read The Keto Reset and finally beat that stall you hit a few months back. The weight’s flying off, and by the looks of it appears to be almost all lost body fat. Your wife’s even taken notice. You feel her eyes all over you, lingering in the best of ways.

One can’t hurt…. You unwrap it, take a bite. You take another. And another. It’s gone. You’re on to the next one.

You hit the chocolates first. Snickers, Kit-Kat, Milky Way. Then the fruity candies: Skittles, Starbursts, Sour Patch Kids, Sweet Tarts. Then the weird stuff you hated as a kid. candy corn, Twizzlers, Tootsie Rolls. You don’t care anymore. You eat it all.

Your child’s stash exhausted, you move onto the drug stores. CVS is selling fun-sized Three Musketeers for a buck a bag. You don’t even like nougat, but you buy out the store anyway. That’s the last thing you remember.

Three months later, you have no teeth. Your insulin is so high you can feel it. All the weight’s back on, and more. You stumble to a pay phone and dial your house. A stranger picks up. “There’s no one here by that name.”

Well, that’s it for today. If you’ve got any other ideas for observing Halloween as a devoted Primal type, share the joy below.

Thanks for stopping by today. Happy Halloween, everybody.