#sidenote but that's part of why I don't really vibe with those “now will the west christians care???” posts bc like

[sun-marie]

I don't need to share a faith with someone to believe in their human rights and their right to not to be violated/killed en masse. (I would hope that is obvious)

That being said, I was unprepared for the very...specific pain I would feel reading about the atrocities inflicted on Christians in Gaza. It's just... horrible 😟

[spacexseven]

(2/4 sorry realized dazais was super long split it into two its 4 parts now) ur sooooooo right about dazai and this scenario SO right the fucking bastard probably does this to randoms for fun on the weekends. sidenote im going with mafia dazai for this just cuz he has more room to be Evil and i also dont think kunikida would allow ANY of these antics if he was there. warning hes gonna be SUUUPER mean i kinda softboy-ed aku but i cant bring myself to do the same to dazai </3

darling is just some civilian with ties to an enemy syndicate or works somewhere they need access to as an average employee with a convenient amount of security clearance, no one really that special on paper, and he’s pissed. he’s stuck with some no-name loser for the foreseeable future? how demeaning. this work is so beneath him as an executive, can’t he make one of his subordinates do it?

he’s amazing at the flirty coworker persona, and even BETTER at the loving boyfriend schtick. scarily so, when you consider that he spends a lot of his downtime thinking about how much you bore him and he cant wait to get rid of you. similar to what he does to chuuya in wan, every perceived slight you commit against him is put down to paper so he can get his appropriate vengeance when the time comes. you hummed and it got on his nerves, he’ll be sure to break  your jaw. you touched his hand today, for that he’ll rip your fingernails off one by one. stuff like that.

he starts to warm up to you as time goes on. the surefire way to dazai’s heart is to give him unselfish care. something as small as packing him something for lunch since he only eats crab out of a can; to something as big as nursing him through a drug or alcohol induced stupor after one of his many attempts on his own life. he wakes up the next morning clean, comfortable, and with a very minimal headache due to the cold washcloth you put on his head. why did you bother doing that?

yea i don't think ada dazai could do half these things and get away with it either so we'll stick to pm dazai!! i do have a question tho, can you find crab in a can? is it edible?? it sounds strange to me i only eat tuna (lol) out of a can...lol this got much longer than i planned for, sorry in advance!!

cw: yandere character, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, unhealthy relationships, toxic relationships, dazai is an asshole, mentions of violence and murder, manipulation, deceit, emotional abuse, jealousy, kidnapping, imprisonment.

ask continued: (3/4) good news: he’s attached now! at the hip! hes a little obvious, really. dazais always flirty, but now hes CLINGY. and JEALOUS. he seemed so Above being affectionate or possessive of you, before. much too self-confident, you supposed. but now you’re lucky if you can manage to get out of bed without having to escape the IRONCLAD GRIP hes got you in, and do NOT even get me STARTED on how he reacts to ANYONE so much as looking at you! you’re his! his his his his HIS! you both love each other, so you belong to one another! simple as that!

bad news: you have recently figured out that you shouldve been scared of him. of course, you find his little notebook, and something inside of you is SCREAMING at you to read it, and what you find shatters your view of him forever. you brushed off the really weird vibe you got from him initially, cuz he was so nice! attentive! you never really got attention like that from anyone before, it was all too easy for him to get you caught up. stupid stupid stupid. 

worse news: he notices, when you start to pull away from him. you’re making excuses not to see him, not to sleep in the same bed as him. you get all stiff when he gets too close to you, and you wont kiss him back. doesnt take him long to figure out what happened. takes him even less time to come up with a plan to make sure you cant run away from him. don’t be scared, he loves you so much! he’ll show you how sorry he is for saying all those mean things!

it's not like dazai was new to the whole leech-out-information-from-an-unsuspecting-victim-and-kill-them-after routine, but he definitely didn't like this part of his job. it's so terribly boring as compared to his go-to way of getting information (interrogations! torture! shorter and less effort needed!) it takes too much effort to make sure his target likes him enough to lower their guard around him and spoonfeed him the information he needs. it takes even longer to safely send back acquired information to the pm without anyone suspecting him to be the mole, and usually these missions take months if not years. he doesn't want to invest to much time in something like this, especially when he knows his target is the most boring person to walk upon this planet.

if he was assigned to the leader of some crime syndicate, or maybe the secret mastermind behind a revolution, or even a top-level military agent, he might find the thrill somewhat entertaining. after all, there's something quite wonderful in wrapping an untouchable person around his finger.

but you...

you were painfully ordinary. he understood why it had to be you, a somewhat 'regular' member of the ability group, trusted enough to have access to information that would be useful, but not too high up in the ranks. not to mention, you would eventually be moved up and allowed access into even more highly guarded secrets. if he didn't get to you now, he might never get you at all. if you were too important you'd never trust anyone, and you'd be too paranoid to let slip even seemingly unimportant details. it had to be you, and now.

and he was good at his job. he was charming but not suspiciously so, and not so well known that he would be identified. still, as he watched you before his infiltration had officially started, he realized that you were a fool. too trusting, too smiling, and far too friendly. even akutagawa would have been suited for this job, you wouldn't have suspected a thing. maybe you'd even like the whole grumbling outcast thing he had going on. but no matter how much he whined or complained or groaned, nothing was done about it. he was stuck with you until he finished the mission.

it was probably his hatred towards you that caused him to act so recklessly, and moving the relationship so quickly—from strangers to moving in together within a month. it wasn't hard to have you eating right out of his hand, with some saccharine smiles and soft looks, gentle stroking and—you practically had stars in your eyes. what a fool, he thought, ignoring how the softening of his eyes when you cheerfully ran into his arms happened somewhat naturally. you must have been desperate if you so eagerly accepted his sudden advances.

he still hated you, of course. he recorded your wrongdoings so he could unleash his fury later, when you were no longer of use. that time you ran your fingers through his hair, he swore to break each and every bone in your hand. and when you dragged him out on dates he planned out the appropriate punishment, same as when you touched him or kissed him or smiled up at him with so much warmth it made him sick—you made him sick, and you'd pay for that, eventually.

surprisingly, despite his overall sleazy and cruel demeanor—he never paid for dates (even though he was given the funds), and never bought you presents after the third one. he never initiated any physical affection, and straight up ignored your calls sometimes—after you were officially dating you still seemed to like him. you probably idolized him, after being starved of affection for so long. any crumb of affection he gave you, whether it was a fake smile or a stiff pat, you'd eagerly eat up. it was so pathetic he almost felt bad for you. even know, this relationship wasn't real, but you were a fool who thought you found love. not like this arrangement was anything you should be mourning.

were you hoping he'd turn back to the charming guy you met all those weeks ago? did you really have no clue that you fell in love with a lie? or maybe, you just couldn't comprehend someone using you. after all, you weren't very wealthy or connected to anyone influential. all you had was your job, and that was meaningless to most people. perhaps you thought he was most people, because it was so easy to get things out of you. at night, when the two of you were awkwardly lying down in bed, he just had to roll over, throw an arm around you and whisper into your ear, asking about your day. and then everything came pouring out. you weren't so stupid as to directly admit you worked for an ability organization, but the details were still correct. you'd tell him about the planning you had to do for a company event nearby, and just as you said, a week later the group he was targeting was there for something. it was so easy, now, to intercept all their plans. you were annoying but...somewhat useful.

and then...it happened.

dazai didn't realize there had been a last-minute change in plans. your group had come onto the meeting spot earlier than you had said they would be, and he was caught red-handed inside the building. to his surprise, you, without even stopping to consider his intentions, immediately shot up to defend him, excusing him saying that he probably just stopped by to visit you. your coworkers relaxed and slowly agreed. they, too, thought dazai didn't know about the 'company' you worked for, and thought he was just being a considerate boyfriend. it couldn't be farther from the truth, but he didn't care what they thought.

you saved him.

and it wasn't the only time, either. there were the times you've nursed him back to health after yet another one of his stupid stunts, the times you've waited hours for him to turn up for a date, complaining but never actually mad, the times you've made him something to eat, knowing he didn't care much about eating healthy. it infuriated him how genuinely selfless you were, even to an asshole like him.

you cared about him, like you cared for everyone else in your life, even though he knew he didn't deserve it. it was so nice, though, as much as he hated admitting it, to be cared for. to be looked after and loved genuinely despite his shortcomings. sometimes he wondered if you'd only love him more if he cleaned up his act. the more you smiled at him and gently nudged him awake and asked him if he ate and showed him things you thought he'd like, the more he realized he was getting a little attached to you.

and then, he came to a decision.

you were far too nice to him for him to just leave you to die after this mission. and you were far too kind to have such a terrible boyfriend. he could at least try to completely win you over now before you inevitably found out about his true intentions and then, you'd really hate him since he would have killed your friends. he decided you would stay with him, regardless of how the mission went.

he probably should have considered your confusion when your usually aloof boyfriend suddenly became a completely new person. you'd wake up and get ready to leave when an arm suddenly wraps around you and dazai whines at you about not leaving. whines! the same man who'd rarely say a word to you until breakfast was acting so...clingy all of a sudden, though you'd be lying if you said you hated it. suddenly your days were filled with constant kissing and an arm always around you, dazai showing up at your workplace more often to grab lunch with you and boldly flirting with you. sure, there was something quite terrifying about the way he glared at your coworkers, his eyes so blank it was eerie, but you forgot all about it once he snuggled into your neck and placed a kiss on your collarbone.

and then there was his insistence that you were being overworked when he normally wouldn't have cared what time you came home, as long as you did come home, going so far as to contacting your boss to demand you get more time off. of course, everyone laughed it off as your boyfriend simply being concerned for your health and your boss complied, shortening your hours and granting you a long overdue break. your life was just so perfect now. and to think you were worried about him wanting to break up. whenever you asked dazai why he was suddenly so expressive, however, he would only give you a vague answer about realizing it was unfair of him to let out his anger by treating you coldly and wanting to fix things. because, as he said so often, he loved you.

"nobody could love you as much as i do," he would say, "seriously, i think i could die in my love for you. you're everything to me and i love you so much."

maybe you should have noticed how...intense his feelings were then,

it all came crashing down one day when you saw a text on his phone—someone asking him to gather more information about the ability users in the group you were in. he wasn't supposed to know about that, and by the looks of it, he had been using you to steal intel the entire time. though you felt stupid now, you were more concerned about how you could put an end to it now, especially because you were in so deep with him. at least a while back you could have quickly ended things with him using the reason of being a terrible partner, but now, it would only raise suspicion with him and your coworkers. how were you to explain your boyfriend had been spying on you the entire time to anyone? what would they do to you, and worse yet, what was he planning to do to you once he had no use for you?

the only logical thing to do, in your eyes, was to slowly drift away and eventually break things off with him. his only source of information would be closed then, and you would be safe. the problem was, it was pretty much impossible to leave him. he was always by your side, held you tight as you slept, dropped you off at work and even knew all your friends. how were you supposed to explain to anyone that your boyfriend was going to kill you once he destroyed your group?

as you already figured out, dazai wasn't stupid. it was about time you found out, but now his plans had changed. no more killing you. he could keep you with him permanently now, after forcing you to quit. he didn't need your help anymore for the next part of the plan, which only required him to eradicate the group since they weren't willing to comply to the port mafia's demands. it wasn't like he expected you to sit down and hear him out after finding out he was sort of using you all along, but still, it hurt when you scowled at him and screamed at him. oh well. he could figure it out.

as he smiled down at your bound figure, your eyes wide at the blood soaking his coat, realizing what he had just done, he decided he would stop at nothing to convince you of how much he loved you.

really, he wouldn't trade this for the world.

[saelterlude]

Gushing About Zhu Hanbin and Jing Yanqiao in The City of Musicals S2

The City of Musicals (S2, at least) is kinda like The Voice. 24 musical actors, 3 troupes, covering musical numbers, elimination every episode. Season 2 focuses on young/fresh talents.

I was on a Zhu Hanbin(LG musical actor) binge and got really into this show once I found out his frequent CXS counterpart, Jing Yanqiao, is there as well. Now seems like the right time to make this post since JYQ's birthday is soon (April 13th!) and everyone barely knows him so, to begin here's a cute interaction they had on weibo after what I can only assume is a Link Click rehearsal.

You can access the full episodes here. But I'm going to discuss and link each performances under the cut.

Oh yeah, before I start. I have notes of the context of some performances (not including them bcs I only researched some and not all), so if you like any of them and would like to dive deeper or just wants the context in general just ask and I'll share what I have. (That said, the 10th is Ied so I might be busy and took a while to answer)

Scouting stage (Ep.1-2)

They are sorted into groups of three and perform together as the same character.

For Forever from Dear Evan Hansen

Performed by Sun Tiecheng, Zhu Hanbin, and Wang Haoran. I love ZHB's expression in this performance, it's very innocent and hopeful but also with a hint of hurt? It fits the vibe of the song. It's a really nice, soft and hopeful performance. ZHB's expression really paid off since he got scouted into 2 troupes. Funfact, ZHB and Wang Haoran are classmates lol, they didn't know the other auditioned on this show before they got sorted together. Their third teammate felt very awkward lol.

Dans Le Noir Je Vois Rouge from Le Rouge et Le Noir

Roughly translated to "In the dark, I see red" performed by Alladin, Jing Yangqiao and Tian Ye. It's very good, dark and angry vibes. It's from a French rock musical so yea I really like it. I know I wanted to highlight JYQ but the original rap that Tian Ye (right) arranged is definitely the best part of this performance. The three of them worked really well together. Also, Jing Yanqiao was asked if he felt pressured performing with his seniors (he's still in school) and he answered yes, but most importantly he was intimidated by their heights. so cute lmao. Don't worry JYQ, you're still taller than ZHB. This is also 1 of the only 2 groups where all three performers get scouted.

Sidenote: I found the original song and I've been translating it to practice my French lol. In fact, I found a recording of the whole original musical.

Round 1 (Ep.3-4)

Each troupe prepares 2 Duo performance and 1 solo performance.

No Longer Human from No Longer Human

Performed by Sun Sankai and Zhu Hanbin. Yes, as in the Osamu Dazai novel. ZHB played Yezang (Oba Yozo) the protagonist of the novel and Sun Sankai played Osamu Dazai the author. So this is an existential conversation between author and his character. That's probably why this set design is creepy, but in a good way! An amazing duet, very powerful vocals from both of them, a very nice listen. But damn those hands are wobbly and every time I watch them climb up it, I worry if its gonna fall. Also, camerawork feels like something out of a 2nd Gen K-pop music show lol. And ZHB is barefoot for some reason... If I caught it properly it's bcs he's scared of falling off the hand? I need to double check but understandable.

Therapy from Tick, Tick..., Boom!

Performed by Jing Yangqiao and Feng Difei I couldn't find the cut version of this performance so you would have to do with the timestamped link of the full episode. This is such an adorable and fun performance. I love the cutee original phoneline choreography they have and how their voices work together. Also, JYQ and Feng Difei playing couples and going on a date bcs the coach tells them it would help their chemistry. Why are they lowkey kinda cute though. The post-performance interview of this reads like a blind date interview istg. The interview keep asking questions like what JYQ got her for her BDay and if they have made each other mad like the characters in the musical, etc.

Round 2 (Ep.5-6)

There are 2 troupe duo performances, and 2 cross-troupe trio performances.

The Other Side from The Greatest Showman

Performed by Sun Sankai and Zhu Hanbin. This one is so good, soooo good. I already liked the song before but their voices fit this song really well. Then you get to see, ZHB can dance y'all. I like how energetic this performance is, they really ran around the stage and walk across the table. Special mention to Sun Sankai who practiced that hat kicking trick to perfection, he got to a streak of 100 successes during practice. And to the bartender too, I love his expressions.

In A Crowd of Thousands from Anastasia

Performed by Jing Yangqiao and Feng Difei Yes, it's these two again, playing a couple again lol. Yes, they also went on a date again to prepare for this performance. (In fact, they're paired in a new musical "Love Myth" airing next month) Truly giving off a romantic, magical, and almost fairy tale-like feels. I love how sweet it is. The mini-them also did a good job with their performance. Fun fact about this one, JYQ played in Anastasia musical before this show and is still currently playing in Anastasia, both as Dmitri, just like he did in this performance.

It's Not Me It's You from uhh pretty sure it's an original rap based on disney villains. So it's from Disney, I guess.

Performed by Jing Yanqiao, Zhao Qianlong, and Zhou Mohan. I can't take this performance seriously, not with those outfits LMAO. JYQ as Gaston looking like Winnie the Pooh instead, I can't. That said, the rap is really good, I like the flow, I like the beat, it's great. I jusst, those outfits lmao. Even JYQ posted on his weibo how the outfit simply wasn't it. I can add the photo he took in the rb but pls just watch the performance.

Round 3 (Ep.7-8)

Each troupe prepares 2 duo performances again.

Disappear from Dear Evan Hansen

Performed by Jing Yanqiao and Zhu Hanbin. Yes, they both performed together in this one! I couldn't find the cut version again, sorry. IDK why, maybe it's copyright? For now, timestamped link. I can't explain why, I really like this performance and I really like their dynamic. Their voices also goes nice together but I know that already from watching them together in the LC musical. So yea, this is good. Though, ZHB being projected as JYQ/Evan's hallucination of Connor is kinda goofy looking. Also, so far ZHB has been kind of type-casted as the innocent boy or bright-eyed young man in need of guidance type so to see him playing a more aggressive/leading character (though not by much) is nice.

(JYQ doesn't have that problem, literally he was scouted by the troupe bcs they feel 'he's young and thus can be molded into anything'. ZHB did have to help him perfect the anxious boy act for this performance.)

Quarterfinals (Ep.9)

A trio performance from each troupe, along with a single cross-troupe performance.

Believe in Miracles from Ultraman (yes, the superhero show)

Performed by Sun Sankai, Zhu Hanbin, and Jing Yangqiao. Original skit. Both JYQ and ZHB act as students to Sun Sankai's teacher. The song sounds vaguely familiar to me, maybe that's why I like it so much. It's very fun, rock vibes. JYQ intentional voice crack in the beginning cracks me up. It's a very energetic song too, makes me want to pick up a guitar and jam along. (No, IDK how to play the guitar beyond the basics lol). It honestly looks like they were an idol group or something. (LC Idol AU anyone?)

Goodbye Cassini from Cassini

Performed by Zhao Qianlong, Zhu Hanbin, and Tian. I'll be honest, not a big fan of the skit, it is better enjoyed as just a goodbye song to a beloved space probe, but I am a huge fan of the song (Original ver. here with subbed lyrics, it a got more opera? vibe to it. both ver. are very good though.). I've been randomly humming 'Goodbye, my Cassini~' for days. I am so tempted to make a fic based on this song. Tian (the girl) really carried this performance with her angelic vocals, it's so great and heartbreaking. Her heartbreak at having to leave her friends behind and knowing full well they're never going to meet again. If you're watching this one, I highly recommend you wear your headphones. Trust me, it will cleanse your ears. And if you want to skip straight to the song? 5 minute mark.

Semifinals and Finals (Ep.10)

The semifinals are duo performances of an original musical number. The finals are a solo performance from the top 2. They are available on spotify and youtube music.

The Greatest Show from The Greatest Showman

Performed by the top 4 contestants: Zhu Hanbin, Miao Mengqing, Jing Yanqiao, and Zhou Mohan. I don't have a lot to say about this one. Really nice performance, a bonus to a great episode. Yeaay, both of our LC boys got into the top 4!

Assassin

Performed by Jing Yanqiao and Miao Mengqing To be honest, not the biggest fan but maybe that's just me not being a fan of historical drama in any form. JYQ used a fake facial hair, so that's something too I guess. That said, it's pretty nice to listen to and the dance/sword fight choreography is really cool. (Though as someone who used to do choreographed fights, I feel kinda dissapointed it's more sworddance rather than swordfight.) Miao Mengqing's voice is really powerful, just listen to her. Unfortunately JYQ was eliminated here, but he reached the top 4! I'm proud of him. He also learned the choreo and to play the uhhh (it's 1am, lookup instrument nme later) in only a week. So that's cool.

Don't Believe him

Performed by Zhu Hanbin and Zhou Mohan. This one I highly recommend. This song is an emotional banger and I've been listening to this on loop for days. The choreo and staging is good too, although there's one part that I think is a bit goofy (thankfully it's not too distracting). The fight/struggle choreo they did here have more power than Assassin so I really like it. Really cool, makes you wanna punch a bully, I love it. ZHB played a bullied kid and Zhou Mohan plays ZHB's 'perfect' dream self who wants to keep him in this dream world and away from the hurtful reality. This song (as well as Assassin) is available on spotify and yt music, but the live version is 10x better because it captures the emotion better. You can hear ZHB's desperation and sadness as well as Zhou Mohan's anger and frustration, it's great.

Lonely Mountaintop from The Devotion of Suspect X

Performed by Zhu Hanbin. It's good, I enjoy it. Though as a final song I do kinda wish he picked a song with more power? IDK. It's still good though, it's emotional, I love the build up, the set design is pretty, and the song fit his voice really well. ZHB won 2nd place with this song. Congrats on your hard work!

Miao Mengqing won first place and honestly? She deserved it, she's so good. But this post is focusing on our LC actors ZHB and JYQ so uhh. Please watch her final performance singing "I Have Nothing" here, it's so great, she's great, I love her voice so much.

Fun fact, JYQ did not vote for ZHB in the finals lol, he did it right in front of ZHB too and I'm pretty sure at that point they were already announced as cast in the LC musical. (Sorry ZHB, but I too would vote for Miao Mengqing there)

Last bonus (which I'm not gonna link) before we end this post. In the 3rd episode, around 20minutes in Zhu Hanbin and Jing Yanqiao did an advertisement for their water sponsor together and they're very awkward, it's funny to me.

[knowlesian]

Hey! I really enjoy your meta and was wondering if you could share your thoughts on why Ed says "never left" in episode 8. Because that infuriated me! He did leave and wasn't planning on coming back before the English reveal. But I also am aware that I relate deeply to Stede in episode 8 (the way they had him wear the same outfit as when he was bullied as a child killed me) so I'm sure my view is skewed. But it read to me like let's just pretend that didn't happen which I understand could be a call back to the bathtub scene but it just rubs me wrong.

So can I have your thoughts about why Ed/the writers went with the iconic "never left" + wink reply?

i CAN, and buckle up because this one is something i have so many thoughts about but somehow have only briefly tackled.

so: ed is a really socially aware guy. he's good with reading people, he can do sarcasm just fine, but he doesn't know the rules of the social road in stede's world which means when stede does the 'my body language and whole vibe SCREAMS i don't like this, my words say yeah cool do it more, even! i'm fine with this' thing because he's used to that as a way to make life "easier" for everybody by just entirely avoiding open confrontation ever, ed is like ...okay, i am either supposed to call you a liar here or carry on? because in my world, when you want something to fuckin stop you say FUCKIN STOP and when you're being a real jerk on purpose, you want people to know it's because you hope they have a shitty day.

(i know ed the adult man not knowing the terms retirement and passive aggressive exist or what they mean has led to some real world logic application all, ed is dumb/doesn't know basic words and the like, but those are Theme Moments because this is a big gay play running on rule of cool. the text is saying: ed wants to stop but doesn't even know it's an option unless you die, and ed says what he means/expects everyone else to do the same.)

so in ed's world, what stede does as a mode of politeness/defense is just called lying. ed's not grounded in the world of books and social games; he's not looking for hidden purposeful meanings in the corners of everybody's words, which contributes to how he misses jack. (sidenote: i think stede is extra snippy because his spidey-sense for passive aggressive fuckery is going off endlessly and telling him something is not RIGHT here, and he needs to be on alert by the same token, but that's not super related. just wanted to say it!!! etc)

also, ed’s been introduced to the idea of passive aggression as a weapon; he hasn't been introduced to the niceties side. so when he leaves, it's with this funky vibe in the air where he feels like jack just came out to have a good time, stede's giving off the kind of mixed signals that are potentially scary, and it culminates in stede unfortunately framing his (very legit) annoyances as an issue with ed/his behavior vs issues with jack, and that only drives the wedge in deeper.

so when ed leaves, it's not because he wants to: it's this rolling avalanche of shitty things that all culminate in ed being like, if jack who represents my past and is just here to have a good time pisses stede off this much and makes him say he doesn't like me around jack, what happens when he decides i'm too much like jack to be borne a second longer and kicks me out, too?

theeeeen he finds out jack was there to fuck shit up on PURPOSE, and what stede had an issue with gets internally reframed. suddenly, stede is not judging ed by proxy, he's judging jack who is a lying dick and trying to cause trouble and drive them apart on purpose. this means even if stede's own issues were a large part of his reaction, stede actually read the room far better than ed. (just like he did at the party.)

the spin now emotionally is: stede tried to protect me. if i had listened and not trusted jack over stede's instincts, maybe none of this is happening. i have to go back and protect him.

which leads me into the actual line!!! stede's face is super key here, to set the stage. he's so, so fucking happy. like: incandescent. when he says 'you came back', he's so fucking relieved. they're about to get boarded by the fucking royal navy and stede looks happier than ever.

which tells ed: you never actually wanted me to leave. you are unconditionally glad to see me back, even though i fucked up and i should have listened to you. you're just glad i'm here, no matter what's going on.

and ed... ed so much wants anybody at all to see him for who he actually is, as he wants to be seen, and then be happy he's in the room.

so 'never left' is the moment he speaks stede's language for the first time, i think. the language of: what i am saying here is a cover for the deeper truth of what i mean. ed says never left, but he doesn't mean it like literally i was never gone or never intended to stay that way.

he means: i didn't want to go. and maybe, even better— emotionally, i was always still with you. my body left, the legend of blackbeard left, but ed was always right here. right where he wants to be.

and they're so thrilled to be together again, yes, but i think that's the crux of this scene and why their gazes stay tender and locked even as everything goes shit around them. why ed needs to reach out, and stede needs to lean back into that touch.

ed knows stede is just glad he's around; stede knows ed didn't ever want to leave him.

(and, after an episode of talking past each other, they are finally starting to work out the language to meet each other on even ground, where ed will give some and stede will give some and they will meet in the middle, neither of them having to exist entirely in the other's world or use the other's words to communicate.)

[xplrvibes]

Im watchibg the first conjuring episode now (sorry if ive already said that) and its so sweet how they sit down just snc and sam immediately asks colby how he’s feeling

Im seeing everything now thru a new lens knowing sam is the guide and colby is the psychic and my hunch about it is literally fact and like an actual thing

ugh my heart.

- aussie anon

Sidenote that has nothing to do with anything: I had to dig out my laptop to answer this, cause the tumblr mobile app is lagging hardcore for me today. Anyone else having issues?

I've always thought it was interesting how often they get "Colby" or "Cole" during an Estes session. They get "Sam" too, but that's such a common name that I could see that being said on the radio quite often so that one coming through quite a bit doesn't surprise me - but how many Cole/Colbys are really out there on the radios waves across the US/Canada/Europe??

My opinion on the Estes, by the way, is not that it's an actual spirit coming through and speaking over the waves, for the most part - it's clearly bits and pieces of radio stations coming through for a second here and there - but rather, the person under the Estes session is almost being used as a psychic tool in a way to hear things from those radio waves that need to be heard in order to get the message across/out (hence why some people are better at it than others - Colby vs the girl that wasn't Rae whose name I forgot, sorry during the last video was a good visual representation of that). But having said that, Colby's name coming through as often as it does is just weird cause there cannot be that many ways to say "Colby" on the radio, so maybe it's a mix of radio waves and actual voices?

I don't know. Regardless, it's a collaborative effort between the person going under, the spirits, and the radio waves to make it all happen, is what I say.

Anyway, I love how casual Colby was about his name being said mixed with the word "kill" cause I would not have been as casual lol.

I don't remember anymore which Conjuring video has Colby getting locked in the basement and straight panicking, and Sam running back to the house and just going "oh he's probably freaking out right now" and yelling Colby's name as if Colby could hear him (I think that was the second video?), but that's another good Sam the Worrywart moment - although he ruins it by coming in and immediately thinking Colby was lying about the door being locked.

Man has some trust issues lol.

But the thing that made the very first Conjuring video stand out to me was their Estes sessions in the basement - Colby having an actual and legit panic attack halfway through and the stuff both of them were getting in their sessions was clearly something just fucking with them in a very unhelpful way and it had such a creepy creepy vibe to it. I didn't love the last series they did back in October, for a lot of reasons, but that first Conjuring video they did is really deserving of all of the attention and views it got.

Also, as far as fanfic is concerned - hey, write away! Maybe it's cause I've been on the internet for a long time and spent way too many years in the SPN trenches, but I think there's way worse things that can be written than just a standard RPF fic (wincest comes to mind). I think there are areas where it can get weird (and I think talking to snc themselves about it is ALWAYS a no-no and too far across the line), but for the most part, fics are fics. Write what makes you happy!

[jaesblogstuff]

Late Night Memories

A/N: I'm here again, sorry for the lack of posting but school is a bit rough right now. Hope you enjoy and any feedback is accepted. Love you <3.

Jack Harlow x reader

Let's just put it this way. This week has been pretty rough and mentally draining for both you and Jack, but it definitely had its positives.

Jack released his new single Nail tech which unexpectedly caught the attention of his idol Kanye West. He was over the moon that night when you shared the news with him and from thereon he couldn't contain his happiness no matter how much he tried. To add to his week of preparing for his upcoming album, he was flown out to prepare for Donda 2 which he was also beyond excited for.

You, on the other hand, were battling the work of university and part-time jobs for the experience. Absolutely no sympathy was given in the workload in the final years and having to work on top of that made it difficult. Jack opted that he’d help out with the money aspect for school but you insisted numerous times that he didn't have to because you didn't want it to seem that you were dependent on him, so you refused but he understood. He loved that you were independent in every way but at times he wished you'd let him help.

It came at a time when Jack was back from home travelling and studio work, sitting on the couch mindlessly scrolling through his phone and you were at the dining table finishing off some, soon to be due, assignments. The silence which filled the house wasn't uncomfortable but there was definitely some uneasiness in it. A stressful vibe almost. And with this, Jack caught on.

“Hey mamas, c’mon let’s go,” he said, getting up from the couch, heading to the table where his keys were.

You shot him a puzzled look, stopping your action of typing on the computer. “And we are going where again…at night?”

“Just grab your phone and let’s go.”

You weren't even dressed properly to be going somewhere. But I guess the pyjama pants and a vest were sufficient for Jack.

-

Jack had a thing for long car rides, especially at night, but this only occurred when he was stressed, annoyed at something, or just wanted a domestic way of spending time with you. This time, he was craving some time with you after being both so busy.

Heading to the car park, he opened the door to the passenger side to get in first and then proceeded to the driver's side and started his jeep.

At this point, you’ve figured this trip wasn't anywhere, in particular, he was just mindlessly driving. He grabbed his phone and scrolled through his Spotify until he found the right playlist and shuffled it. Sidenote, he has a playlist for every mood there possibly is.

The silence was filled with the playing of a song. And the song just happened to be the song that played the night you two met, Puppy Love by Paul Anka, and from thereon, it was a song to always remember, even discussed to be played at the future wedding.

BACKSTORY -

You bot met at a party. Ironic right. This wasn't like any other party. It was his party, the night of him dropping the TWTAS album. You had connections and those connections somehow ended up in you and them going.

All in all, dressing up isn't your thing, but your friends begged you to dress up to the tee because, hey, this is Jack Harlow's party we are going to. You weren't too big on the idea but it's a once-in-a-lifetime experience so why not right?. Right.

The dress you wore was a navy blue dress that had a slight glimmer in it. The fabric lets out a natural shine when light hits it. It fits the curves on your body perfectly and has a slight drop at the back to expose some back skin. And the heels, the straps wrapped around your leg perfectly giving you that extra height. Your friends were awed about how beautiful you looked from the hair to the heels. I mean you don't blame them because this is the first time you even really dressed up but it's whatever.

—

At the party held a lot of popular people. From doja cat to the man himself Kanye West, so of course, you felt out of place. Your friends on the other hand knew how to enjoy a party. They were out there making small talk and making interactions but you, on the other hand, fixed yourself in one general spot.

To the left of you, there was a bar. Couldn't be the worst thing to have a drink so you ringed two shots of vodka hitting them one after the next causing you to wince at the burning feeling down your throat. What next you thought to yourself.

You could hear your friends calling over to you to join them on the dance floor but you shook your head and just stood laughing at them, drunkenly dancing to the music. How drunk were they already? We’ve been here for literally thirty minutes, but at least they are enjoying themselves.

To you, it was quite funny how this was Jack’s party but he was nowhere to be found, not that you were looking for him or anything, it's just that you thought he would be the one in the spotlight for the night. But little did you know, he was looking at you from a distance. From the time you laid foot into the room, he had no clue who you were but you definitely caught his attention. He didn't know if it was the way you're dressed or the humble vibe you gave off but he knew he must at least get your name by the end of the night. You stood out from the rest but he had no clue why.

“Jack,” Urban said, jumping him out of his staring trance.

“How come you out here conserved rather than out on the floor, this is your party.”

“Nothin’ man, just chillin.”

“Alright”

Urb left to go to Dryski who was nonetheless, hitting it up with the girls around him on the couch. He plopped next to him, lighting a spliff at the edge of his mouth.

“What's up with Jack, man's awfully calm for his own party.”

“Ion know man, he's over there “chillin”.`` Urban replied unbothered.

Druski took one look at Jack and knew he was eyeing down a girl, you in particular.

“Aye, aye, aye..check this out,” he said patting urban on the leg. “Looks like someone got Jack's eye.”

“Not bad, not bad.” urb snickered.

Druski left the girls hanging on the couch and walked over to Jack, urban following. “Why you all up in this corner by yourself observing?”

“Nothin. you guys enjoying yourselves?”

“Spill it, we see you eyeing this girl, go talk to her.”

‘You sons of bitches..you've been watching me the whole night.” he laughed

“Go now man, stop pondering,” Druski said, shoving Jack forward.

Jack shot him a look and beelined to you. “Atta Boy!” he shouted in response.

—

To be honest, you were a bit shocked..no very shocked that Jack would come up to you of all people. “Hi, I’m Jack.” that fucking slick line. You looked to your left, then your right to make sure he was meaning you. “Yeah, I’m meaning you.”

“I know who you are.” you smiled. “I’m y/n.”

“You look beautiful tonight..do you want to grab a drink with me or something?”

“Thank you..and sure why not.’ Who could say no to a drink with Jack Harlow? You two hit it off instantaneously, talking back and forth about yourself and life in general, forgetting that he was hosting a party and you had drunk friends nowhere to be found. But you two were just a match made in heaven.

There was a point in the night where it was just slow music on repeat. Slow lovely music. A few songs up, Jack offered you to come dance with him but you denied as you didn't want to be the centre of attention. Third time the charm of him persistently asking and you gave in but you knew if anyone spotted you both, the articles that would emerge were sure to make life difficult, but you didn't care at this point.

He pulled you to the floor, an area that had enough room for you both but crowded enough that you couldn't be identified. There the song ‘Puppy Love’ played and you rocked simultaneously to the beat. His hand rested on the dip of your lower back which caused you to jump a bit.

“You’re tensed up, relax. Rock with me.” And so you did.

His smell. Oh, his smell. It was of a deep cologne bet yet so subtle to bless the nose. The outfit he wore was a casual suit, the purple matching his appearance perfectly. You had no clue if looking at you because you were busy fixating on other things in the room to avoid eye contact.

“Hey look at me, I don't bite,” he said in a rather deep, but whispering tone. And thereon you looked at him, his usual light blue eyes illuminating a dark glow with a slight glint.

‘See that wasn't so bad, was it?” he chucked, causing you to smile.

“Look at that,” Druski said, pointing in Jack’s direction. “Holy shit, he's actually done it. He's all grown up,” he said jokingly wiping away fake tears.

—

There you guys continued talking about life and what's not but jack was surely not listening and you caught on. “You’re not listening.” He was shocked you could read him as clear as day.

“Sorry, but you are so beautiful.” he was looking through your soul at this point.

“y/n can I take you on a proper date after this?”

You paused to process it and Jack was quick to notice the change in your expression. “We don't have to if you don't wanna.”

“Yes, yes of course..just shocked you asked me that, of all people here and the rest was for the memory books.

END OF BACK STORY -

From the very first beat of the song, you both knew it as puppy love and you both shared a knowing look with each other, grinning ear to ear.

“You remember the night we met?” Jack questioned.

“I do, of course, I do. It was the night of your debut album release and you came up to me all “Hi, I’m jack” shit. You said laughing.

“But you were so nervous, I was too but you were so beautiful that night and I wouldn't forgive myself if you left that night and I didn't get your name. Look at us now.”

‘Look at us now.” you repeated.

[shihoran]

hi I love your work! you have such a pretty art style and I love your riko. I like the ciel/sebastian vibe for riko/kevin even if I don't like the pairing. your stuff is making me question tho. also I wanted to know why you like riko so much? not judging, I just am curious. your art about him is beautiful and I love it but not him, yknow what I mean?

Hello, and thank you for stopping by :D

Yes, I know what you mean. I don’t know if I really like Riko either, or perhaps I don’t want to admit it, because I know he’s … terrible, hahaha.

Though, there is a difference between liking a character for their actions, and liking the concept of that character. I’ll try to explain it as best as I can, and,.. well, I took 4hrs for this, so there is a TL;DR at the end, hah.

I hate what he did to his victims; I don’t have to reiterate his crimes, because everyone knows what he did. Given, that he had autonomy over his actions(no one forced him to commit those crimes), he still chose to do it. He still chose to hurt another person. Chose to be, what we know is, a Bad Person.

That’s what I do like, though. The concept - the idea that someone grows up in such a vile environment with his life narrowed down to one set path, but opposing to that, believes that he has all the freedom in his actions; because all he does is free from fault by the standard of the Raven Nest.

His judgement of what is right or wrong is based on the morality of that space, that is quasi-closed off from the rest of the world.

A similiar concept can be found in the book “The Lord Of The Flies”, written 1954 by William Golding. It’s a book about stranded Boys on an uninhabited island and their attempt to govern themselves. It doesn’t end well.

“Themes include the tension between groupthink and individuality, between rational and emotional reactions, and between morality and immorality.” [wikipedia: Lord of the Flies]

Now take that theme and narrow it down to Riko and the Nest. While the rest of the Ravens that joined as teens, having lived their life outside the Nest and being able to found a moral standard, Riko had none of that time to actually develop any standard aside from what he’s been given to from Tetsuji and the Ravens, that were already integrated into that hivemind.

And even if Riko had the chance to know that for ex. violence against someone else was wrong, even the victims inside that hivemind would soon transform into attackers themselves - or they’d drop out and become out of reach/ uninteresting for Riko.

A thought play cue is the uninhibited island / the quasi-closed off Nest, in which the people follow their own rules:

If Person A hits Person B, and they both agree that “hitting someone is justified”, then who is there to judge this? And why would the voice of an “outsider” count, if A & B’s moral standards are already established?

If Riko hurts Jean, and even if Jean does not agree with being hurt(because I do believe his moral code from pre-Raven time is still very strong; and that he’s an overall mentally strong character), who in the Raven Nest would actually step up against Riko? Jean has been dehumanized to Riko’s property; Riko was King, and violence was normalized.

Another thing that I like about his character is that he is very… basic. His need for approval, affection - Love - is a very basic human need, that he hungers for like nothing else.

He has been denied all that from the moment he was born, as he was being passed off to Tetsuji, which formed part of why he became so obsessed with Exy.

“[…]Riko and Kevin would gurgle at each other in the locker room while their parents worked. These were the only times in those first years that Tetsuji interacted with Riko. Tetsuji wanted nothing to do with Riko until Riko was old enough to shape into a star. Riko was too young to understand any of it, but he could connect the dots on at least some level that Kevin being at the Nest = Tetsuji would actually look at him instead of just walk past him without slowing.” [from Nora’s extra content: Who is Riko Moriyama?]

Somewhere along the line Riko misunderstood Tetsuji and believes that, if he just becomes the best at the sport, that his family will actually acknowledge his existence. And he throws himself into improving and doing everything he can to come out on top, always, without fail; without even being allowed to think about failure, as he was a symbol - not a human - to the Raven, Tetsuji, and his fans.

It’s a bit ironic, or maybe it’s just natural, that he would dehumanize another person in the same way he had been dehumanized all his life. And for being someone capable of his degree of violence, well, he’s rather… naive, to believe he’d ever be acknowledged by his family. Perhaps, he believed that acknowledgement - telling him that they see him, that he exists, that he is the son of someone - would grant him a sense of worth. Of real worth. Of humanity.

We all agree that he is a bad person.We all understand that what Riko did was wrong. And most of those who know him also agree in their hate for him.

It begs the question, though, would we have been better people?If all your life you’ve been restricted to one path, wouldn’t you want to cross borders? Riko crossed them in the only way he could - using people as outlet for his needs - using them as landmarks, objects, things to pass around, things to pass time with; to reclaim his freedom over the people - over their minds and bodies - he doesn’t get to have.

It’s a tragedy, really, he tries so hard to gain affection from people he can never reach, but he himself is incapable of being a decent human being to those close and around him.

Speaking of tragedy, another reason I do like to think of him is because I take stance with Aristotle’s Theory on Drama, as written down in the “Poetics” a study of Greek dramatic art (384-322 B.C.). In which he writes about the protagonist of the drama (although Riko isn’t the protagonist of The Foxhole Court, he is the main focus in this reply) and claims:

“The aim of tragedy, Aristotle writes, is to bring about a “catharsis” of the spectators — to arouse in them sensations of pity and fear, and to purge them of these emotions so that they leave the theater feeling cleansed and uplifted, with a heightened understanding of the ways of gods and men. This catharsis is brought about by witnessing some disastrous and moving change in the fortunes of the drama’s protagonist[…]“ [from a Critical Essay Aristotle on Tragedies: https://www.cliffsnotes.com/literature/a/agamemnon-the-choephori-and-the-eumenides/critical-essay/aristotle-on-tragedy]

I don’t necessary agree with all what Aristotle says, but writing my thoughts on that down here… would go beyond the scope of discussion…

On a different sidenote, because I’ve been writing a lot already anyway, so I might as well put it down now…

I don’t assume myself to be in any position to tell other people to change their mind about Riko; to stop hating him, or to start thinking of him past the kneejerk reaction. I’ve been there before, so I understand the general distaste.

However, by the end of the day, I hope that we all understand that Riko Moriyama is a fictional character, in a fictional world, thought up, somehow, somewhen, and then written down, and most importantly: Not real.

People’s feelings towards fiction are very real, and they are valid. That’s the beauty of fiction, no? It’s not real, and it still manages to make us feel some sort of way about it.

We can toy with fictional characters in our heads or on paper all we want, make them bad, make them good, destroy them, make them god - in the end, it’s all just thought plays, little mind games, to entertain and pass the time. And it’s not real. No one in real life gets hurt. And we still get to enjoy a hopefully quiet and overall white picked fence life, while our inner creators are free to be wild.

I’d rather live in a world where all fiction is unhinged and reality is peaceful, rather than in a world where only utopian literature exists, and real people hurt real people.

So, I thank you, Anon. For being plainly curious, for reaching out in good hope, for asking quietly, for opening a conversation.

We don’t have to agree on anything; maybe you thought of my answer as not what you had wanted to hear, and that’s also Ok. I do hope that my thoughts were somewhat entertaining, though, at least to some.

Thank you for reading!

[TL;DR] I don’t like Riko’s wrongdoings. I don’t even know if I like him as a character.However, I do like the concept of his character, the meta, the abstraction - I like that he’s not real. I like thinking about morality and immorality. I like thinking about What Ifs and Whys. I like entertaining and educating myself on tragedies.

Simply put, I like fiction.

[disparais]

those who don't believe in magic will never find it

little isa has been working really hard to untangle my thoughts from my emotions. right now they’re one brilliant mess of colours because it’s been so long since anyone has drawn out so many intensely personal thoughts and vulnerabilities from me, all in the span of a fortnight at most.

it all still feels so surreal, finally getting to dive into the depths that i’d always known lurked beneath the roiling waves. she is an ocean, i think, with trenches and grottoes - some undiscovered, some willfully unexplored. there are so many things going on at once; teeming life, glimmering treasures, the occasional shipwreck. sometimes submarine volcanoes erupt and tectonic plates shift, and if you don’t look closely enough it’s easy to miss all this activity happening deep down below.

the intense surprise at her willingness to initiate vulnerability hasn’t faded - i was floored by the amount of trust she demonstrated in volunteering topics like benchmarking (more on that later). no gift is more precious to me than that of trust.

this has been such a journey, fraught with uncertainties and insecurities that seemed insurmountable at more than one point. i will always be amused by how i can’t remember our first significant encounter (thankfully she remembers it - me offering a goodbye on my way out for class), given little isa’s propensity for minutiae. this is the only relationship i’ve had in my life where i’ve felt an inexplicable compulsion to pursue the relationship, and consistently initiate. i am so grateful that we are where we are right now.

we’re kind of established a new equilibrium, spending quite a bit more of our free time together than we used to. there’s something about being able to curl up under the covers and just do whatever it is we want to, be it browsing social media, watching videos, studying or just talking. even when we’re not speaking, there’s a comfortable air of connectedness that blankets us, and the atmosphere is so warm and fuzzy ahh it recharges me so much i can’t even explain why. also my secret cuddle monster is real!! affirmation/reciprocity is greatly appreciated because i almost never reveal that side of myself to people, and i’m actually super self-conscious about being so touchy hehe.

one part of me has to admit that i’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, because sometimes i worry that this is too much or i’m imposing, idk. but the fact that the clock is ticking is faintly present in the back of my mind, and i don’t think there’ll be another time in my life where i get to spend quality time with someone i’m willing to be this soft and silly around.

enough of the maudlin thoughts, though.

some things will stay with me for a very long time to come.

on our magical friendship:

it’s absolutely incredible, realizing that all this while, i wasn’t alone in the emotional tumult i went through. just like how i’d agonized over the cupcake night with g, m, l and probably a few other people, she’d done the same with her friends; just like how i’d been in despair over the other night, she’d been genuinely upset too. and the incredible part is that on both occasions, my hypotheses had actually been correct - even the cupcake one, back when i hadn’t known her remotely as well as i do now. (back then, i’d ruled it out because it was arrogant in its presumption that i mattered enough at all to warrant that kind of emotional reaction.) along the way, there have been several 坎坷s, but whether together or separately, we’ve walked the same journey.

i will never cease to be amazed by how compatible our love languages are. i am always precise with my words, and the further down my guard goes the warmer they get; she always seems to know what it is i need, be it word or action. there is something so unbelievably easy and beautiful about not having to spell my every need and worry out, about having someone ready to answer the phone even though i haven’t even dialed their number.

on the powers of logic:

stricken by how potent the combination of my attention to detail, my people-pleasing tendencies (which are quintupled when it comes to my close friends) and my vibe-reading (which i do use most of the time) are, when the information i derive from these are fed into the machine of my logic.

people are fascinating. i have little interest in taking machines apart to examine their inner workings, but with people it’s a different story. it is interesting seeing how people tick, how they might break down, how they can be restored. (the intricacies of kt’s inner world are like nothing i have seen before.)

on the powers of vibes:

kt’s vibe-reading is really something else altogether; never encountered someone as intuitively intelligent as her. interestingly, she is both a master of and a slave to her vibes, i think. they serve her, giving her sometimes-inexplicable rationales for action or thought, but they also have the potential to paralyze, because overheating is possible, and ignorance is sometimes bliss.

on public/private selves, and guardedness:

have always known that i split my persona into public and private on some level, but my guard really rarely comes down to this extent with anyone, so allowing my relatively-private persona out so often these days is a mildly frightening (but also exhilarating) thing. perhaps what will stick with me is the startling revelation that i delight in having this clear distinction between the version of myself i present to the general public, and those in my inner circle. even for those in my inner circle, different people make it to different layers, though since the continent theory doesn’t apply to me it’s more a matter of how deeply these people manage to get me to trust them.

one of the ways people in my inner circle can tell that they matter, no matter whether i’m projecting my public or private self, is the fondness i cannot resist showing them. maybe it’s an extra-radiant smile, a lingering wave, or a hand brushed over their back. being able to disclose my affection towards them, even if just in passing, never fails to elicit a quiet flicker of warmth in my chest.

(on a sidenote, i realized i get disappointed when close friends don’t appear to pick up on my subtle cues of affection, such as specific word choices or certain gestures i had to go out of my way to make. i am such an isfj sobs the whole quiet-giving-with-no-expectations-but-yet-yearning-for-appreciation thing is real.)

on benchmarking:

it was only after she shared that i felt prepared to reciprocate and open up about benchmarking. it’s something that i’ve struggled with for so long, and i’ve always been so deeply ashamed (strong word, but not entirely inaccurate) about benchmarking that i’d never even entertained the thought of confessing it in its entirety to anyone.

what a relief, that i’m not alone in this unique hell. perhaps these are wounds that may never heal, but i have the assurance that i am someone worth being benchmarked for, and in its own twisted way that brings me a certain peace of mind as well.

on being a scorpio:

i understand why we are made out to be jealous, possessive and fiery. the sheer intensity of what i feel for my close friends terrifies me sometimes. i seem placid, because i always 轻描淡写 wherever i can get away with it. truthfully, i love with the gentleness of rivers, but also the force of hurricanes; for some people, i would move heaven and earth, in my own way.