#sighs... 🚬🚬🚬

[werewolfdog]

Finally home from work and walk-in appointment so I can finally write my long af rant about this particular day coworker M and I regularly work with...

Across this week since we started joining the day program with the other group homes this passed Monday, my anxiety with this coworker ( I'll dub her TCA ) got incredibly bad. In short summary: I keep getting the impression from the ways she kept staring at me intensely, being more dismissive towards me, and noticing her talking about me to a few coworkers that she had some issues with me and she's not being communicative about them with me. I ended up having a cry moment today when I tried to ask one colleague for leftover pizzas that I could eat as lunch and she said it's for the clients, but eventually said I could have the extra pieces before I cracked. I cried because I got scared of TCA thinking I'd get in trouble if I tried to take the pizzas when I felt I wasn't working hard enough for her standards ( I've been experiencing food guilt with her lately, but that's a rant to share some time ).

A close friend to TCA saw me cried and told her about it. TCA and I had a Talk about it and she told me that even though she doesn't hold any personal issues or ill perceptions of me, TCA said I wasn't doing my job as being observant and initiative enough, along with how I wasn't really supporting and including our clients enough... One example I had asked her for is that she didn't like how M and I would play puzzles all day. The one thing that confuses me is, though... She does outings with a few clients in most times, so clearly, she doesn't get to see much of my performances. Over almost six months, I don't know much about her that I can't be sure how to work with her. But I as especially M have tried to include our clients with such as the block buildings and walks, but when they're over sixty and actively hold little interest in things, there's only so much we can do to include them who'd ignore us or eventually leave out.

I got upset TCA would remind me again, as we had a serious talk before when I had an issues with a different in-home coworker, I have to grow "thicker skin" and I need my character + personality to "approach differently" especially when working in this field. And she reminded ( not that I remembered she did tell me this before ) me I'm following the wrong person, M, ( as in like following his footsteps ) 'cause he doesn't do his job as she thinks he's lazy and overly playful. But I haven't properly worked with TCA... At All. And vice verse, so obviously she can't tell me basically that I'm not doing enough when I'm actually doing the minimum work as a day program assistant with seven disabled clients as few having challenging behaviours to support. She never really asks me for help either, so she can't be so terribly upset + frustrated with me if she doesn't communicate with me. And I've worked in-home for only five months while TCA already had her experiences in the day program with M before covid, so it's absurd when she stated I'm having trouble adjusting, like obviously, yes I am when I had no experiences and she even Knows that I have autism so I need more time to adjust. Yet she said it like this is all so easy.

However, I am most thankful TCA's close friend I mentioned was very supportive and understanding with me. She spoke to me along the line about how she understand how certain people in workfield can be rude and vicious, so it's hard to be able to work with those who are harsher. I know TCA had told her about our talk, but I'm so glad she could be actually empathetic with me and would help me see that I am actually doing enough in this agency and it is okay for me to be an emotional being. I told her that TCA said to me I needed to grow thicker skin, and she told me I just have to be myself while people like TCA have to be kinder on the other hand, which I didn't even think about that as how it's unfair I have to be stronger, yet folks like TCA would still be cold and harsh. Still, she told me that I am doing the most that I can while I should give myself grace, and it's okay I'd cry because it's not a sign of weakness but rather a way to process the situations, which this exchange made me feel a bit better.

TCA was someone who I had drawn her a favourite animal and got her a slice of cheesecake on her birthday last month lmfao I genuinely thought from there onward, we'd be on stronger terms, but clearly I can see now she has work related issues with me over something she can't really... judge and take as a real fault if she doesn't work with me the most as M does... I had actually spoken to the supervisor today if it's possible I can't be paired with her in group assignments when each group does a specific activity for certain clients, and she said it's not possible, but she'll try to put it into consideration. It's only been the first week of the day program and yet, TCA is giving me such a hard time about it, it's just ridiculous. I'm trying as much as I can, man. It's not getting easier now having to look after over twenty three clients and I'm not neurotypical like her so of course I've been taking this change poorly while I can't notice all of the cues. I just hope TCA will be more mindful and opening to me over time, but we'll see.

[haliaiii]

joui 4 high school au my beloved…

[mail-me-a-snail]

i think one of the craziest and cruelest things about doing something fun that deviates from your normal routine, even if only for a little while, is that it makes you wish your life had changed while you were gone, while you weren't looking. fucked up man

[thewistlingbadger]

Yeah Jinx has killed people but Silco was the first person she watched die

[lilacpaperbird]

do you see the vision

[comiclysmic]

Lo, Kalmoash be upon ye 🫴

Image description by Tumblr User @taravangians-storming-balls 💕

[furiousfinnstan]

.oshamir.

[sar3nka]

It's really an awkward thing when you often hear how wise and mature you are but at the same time your grades are below average. No I don't wanna hear "um grades don't say anything about your intelligence", if I can't keep a good work ethic and study regularly then what does that make me.

[pilkypills]

Feels like its been days maybe even weeks since ive seen fanart for other members of the company

[sodaneko]

in a love, preserved mood today

[1-800-kendall]

i look at the calendar and warn myself every month “hey, the week before your period’s coming up and you’re going to want to kill yourself” and still every month i’ll want to kill myself and be like “no but this time its NOT because of hormones this is for valid reasons” like.. girl….. 🚬

[rueclfer]

wanting to delete my blog whenever im working on a smau n realize i made a typo n have to redo the entire screenshot <3

[lilacpaperbird]

my best friend and I got drunk and ended up confessing to each other that we both secretly loved romance stories that involved incest LMAO. now we've made a mini book club (two members in total) and we're going to read flowers in the attic together. after struggling with shame and guilt over this whole thing for so long, I just feel so... happy ! you don't have to change, the right people will find you and they will match your freak !

[fiftypiercings]

spent an hour researching how grain trade and farming scenario worked in edo-meiji period japan, also probably learned half the history of rice in china too just for a single fucking paragraph in my ginhiji pre-canon fic...very normal behaviour guys 👍

[mister-ancunin]

OGs remember when I used to date Sebastian /lh … anyways he’s back on the list because it turns out I still have so much love for him .. <3

[okaioh]

I need new interests, I say, immediately going back to my old interests