#silvs talks | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

silverjirachi · 6 months

Note

How were you a cult leader for a week?

Okay so this is going to be a looooonnnggg story and I never even really sat back and thought about how batshit insane it was until I started talking about it with other people. Which is more recently than you'd expect for the fact that it took place over ten years ago. But back then I also didn't have the life experience to see how.. weird and creepy it was until well, well afterwards.

Another thing that contributed to the fact that I never really thought or spoke about it because that was actually a core tenant of the program. If you talk about it, you're ruining the "sacredness" of the experience if someone else might go through it. So you gotta keep it secret so it's not spoiled for them. Which was a way bigger deal at my school than it now is like, out in the wild. And when I said that first part out loud "So like, oh! I'm not actually supposed to talk about this, BUT" I realized this was some cult shit.

Like I said, long story so I'm gonna put it under a cut for people who wanna read.

Alright so. This story begins at my co-ed Catholic high school. Each year as part of our like, religious enrichment, we went on "retreats" or missions to different areas locally. Freshmen didn't have one, though their was like 1 day of service out in the community. (We went to a retirement home and passed out valentine's cards all day if memory serves).

Sophomores and Juniors got to participate in the more coveted, multiple-day religious retreats that were school-sponsored excuses to get out of school. And they were mandatory, even if you were not Catholic.

What's important to know about these retreats is that they were FAMOUS at our school. They were surrounded with so much mystique, hype, and infamy. People spread rumors about them. People spread lies about them. People spread gossip about who did what with such and such during these retreats. One common, straight-faced lie that almost ALL seniors told about the Senior Retreat was that you all "got naked and danced around a fire" (this will be relevant later). The Naked Fire Dance was like a schoolwide JOKE about this very famous, very infamous senior retreat called Kairos.

What added to this hype, particularly around Kairos, is that once you completed it, you got this special (though rather plain-looking) cross that was given out at the end of the retreat. ALL the seniors who had been through Kairos wore them, EVERY DAY, and groups of students were taken on retreats in groups of 40-50, so not the whole class got them at once. It was like a gradual progression watching these crosses appear around peoples' necks. And like, they got to miss ALMOST A FULL WEEK OF SCHOOL. Come on now. That's amazing.

I actually broke down crying when my own Kairos cross broke during band practice and my percussion instructor fixed it for me. That's how important these things were, both as an emotional AND a status symbol. Wearing a Kairos cross was on an equal level with having a class ring - if you wore one, you had MADE IT.

So I was naturally STOKED when I discovered I was selected to take part in Kairos at the end of my JUNIOR YEAR rather than my senior year. Looking back on it, this absolutely was not random. Kairos retreats were split into different dates for a very particular purpose, and that was to make sure there was always a fresh influx of students to become the next set of "leaders" on these retreats. The first round of Kairos actually began in May or June of the respective class's JUNIOR YEAR so that there would be some classmates to lead the next Kairos that would begin in the proper senior year in the fall. I was selected for this first session because they ABSOLUTELY had already scouted me out as a potential leader and wanted to make sure I had the chance to. I had good grades in religion, participation in church, etc, and kind of had a reputation for it.

Funnily enough, these were all numbered, and I was on Kairos 68. I led Kairos 69, which they changed to Kairos 70. Do the kids these day know? Do they even know their whole numbering system is off because their school refused to allow Kairos 69 to exist?

BUT WHEN ARE WE GETTING TO THE CULT SHIT? Ok. We'll get into the cult shit now.

So the first thing to know about these retreats and therefore also Kairos is that they take place in the middle of the woods. They're at a spiritual retreat center led by some monks about 30-40 minutes away from the school. So you are ISOLATED in what is essentially a large cabin but feels more like a retirement home. Everyone gets their own tiny little room that basically only had a bed, a dresser, and your own sink in it.

They take you into this cabin in the middle of the woods and of course you have to give up all your electronics. Your phone is confiscated from you if they find you have brought it, etc. Not only this, but then you find that they have covered up all the clocks. So you start to develop this immediate sense of restlessness and time blindness because all the clocks are covered with a white sheet and a sign that says "GOD'S TIME." Your entire day structure and even sense of TIME are now at the mercy of the cult leaders, excuse me, I mean student leaders and teacher chaperones on the retreat.

There are no parents here. It's just about fifty 17 to 18 year olds and about 7 teachers. And about 6 student "group leaders" who had a very, very central and important role in the whole event.

What essentially happened was for the next 4 days, we sat in this group conference room at round tables listening to talks and having breakout discussions about Jesus all day. Church in the morning and evening. You got max like, 1, maybe 2 hours of free time after lunch. Literally just living that #monasterylife. But there was something very... particular... about these talks that are things I definitely do not think go down at a monastery.

Each day, a handful of the teachers and student group leaders gave talks surrounded a particular topic or theme of the day. I can't remember all of them, but they'd be things like Piety, and Service, and Charity, and Forgiveness, etc. Christian values. Each talk had a name centered around a particular value. Mine was Piety.

The thing about these talks though, is that they were incredibly, deeply, invasively personal.

Now, I'm going to be upfront and say no one was forced to go up there and spill the deepest darkest secrets of their life. All the student leaders had signed up for this KNOWING they'd be asked to write an incredibly personal sermon on their assigned topic. But there is something addictive about that cult mentality when everyone is getting up on that pulpit oversharing well, you wanna spill your whole life story too. (However, we'll get back to some insider secrets about this later).

TW next paragraphs off-hand but not graphically mentioning suicide, suicidal ideation, self harm and cutting, domestic abuse, etc.

Teachers went up there and talked about their marriages and divorces and how such things brought them closer to God. About how their drunken fathers beat them. Student leaders got up there and gave talks about their suicide attempts or being abused and how being saved from these things brought them closer to god. I learned the intimate ups and downs of my teachers' and fellow classmates' lives in a way I NEVER thought I would and it would all be wrapped up in a little lesson about god. They'd play a little meaningful song of the speaker's choice before and after the sermon to set the scene and help everyone reflect and pray. Mine were Uncharted by Sara Bareilles and The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin. Very deep and meaningful stuff to me at age 17.

As the week progresses and the students drink more of the kool-aid, the participant students are even allowed to go up and say a few words too. And I am not kidding when I say each night there would be at least 1-2 confessions of suicidal ideation or suicide attempts, a handful of mentions of cutting or self harm, and a handful of mentions of actively being abused, even in relationships with other students not on the retreat.

No trigger warnings because this was like 2012 and those were only JUST becoming a thing.

Now, looking back on it now as someone who has taught middle and high schoolers, I can only say: WHaT THE HELL? Teachers absolutely were not required to report these confessions, and I think actively were encouraged not to. I know for a fact student leaders were not supposed to report anything. Because it was supposed to be a safe space where people could say anything. To know someone might take action outside that world would violate the sacred trust we were building with one another, and the closeness we were getting to god. People could reach out to someone individually after the retreat, but unlike in a lot of other cases where it would be MANDATORY for an adult to report certain things, no such enforcement here existed. As a teen, that seemed awesome. As an adult who has taught and looked after children now, I am horrified. I know it's a complicated nuanced topic, but holy hell batman.

And as a 17-year-old retreat leader, I felt responsible for my flock. One girl confessed to me about her mom who was being actively abusive, and I, at the tender age of 17, was suddenly put in a position where I felt like I had to do something for her. I'M NOT EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH THAT!! I'M SEVENTEEN!!! But she confided in me and now I wanna support her in any way I can. I went over to her house several times after that retreat and honestly almost got myself into some horrible, dangerous situations because I felt like I was obligated to because we had shared this soul-baring bond at Kairos. I TOLD NO ONE. I GOT HELP FROM NO ADULT ON THIS.

BUT THESE TALKS WEREN'T EVEN THE ONLY WILD AND WACKY THINGS THAT HAPPENED THAT WEEK!!

One of the other biggest events at Kairos was "letters night." This happens on like the second night of the retreat when all 50 teenagers are herded into a dark room lit only by a few candles and sit in silence for a few minutes. We're all sitting there wondering what's going on. Then, all of a sudden, one of our teachers starts reading a letter addressed to someone. At the end of the letter, it's revealed its from a parent or loved one of at student in the room. They're called up to receive their letter and a hug of comfort if they want it, because of course half of us are sobbing at this point. This goes on for all fifty students in the room. Each of us gets a deeply personal letter from our parents or loved ones about our life stories read in front of forty-nine of our other peers. I can't even imagine how this must have felt for someone without loving parents, but they made it work so everyone had a meaningful letter read aloud.

After that LONG, LONG process, we do one final meditation and are led back to our rooms for sleep. It is then we discover BOATLOADS of letters from other students that have been dumped all over our rooms and our beds. Letters of love, encouragement, well-wishes. Confessions of love or admiration. Letters of apology. Truly anything your upperclassmen friends, relatives, or others might want to write about you. The letters night is kept INCREDIBLY secret and is actually one of the reasons I never talked about Kairos. Because, as personal as it is, it was also an incredibly powerful, formative moment for me. It made me feel more loved and more valued as a person who made a difference on this earth than anything else in my life at that point, and I hung on to my Kairos letters for a very long time afterwards. And the not knowing anything, the surprise of it all really contributed to that. It was like getting hit with a truck with nothing but sheer love, especially at a time in my life when I felt worthless and unwanted and was, myself, actively considering suicide. Writing letters to my group members and friends going on Kairos was my favorite part of the whole process.

And then there was. The moment you have all been waiting for. THE NAKED FIRE DANCE.

Now, thankfully, this was not an actual naked fire dance. But the joke was at last revealed. It is called the naked fire dance, because it is at this point that THE STUDENT LEADERS, and ONLY the students leaders, NO TEACHERS, take their small flock back UNSUPERVISED into these small breakout rooms and they have... the naked fire dance. All the lights are off. It's the middle of the night. The small room is lit only with one candle, and everyone sits in a circle as the teenage cult leader starts with a single prayer. Then she opens up the floor. Now all the students, heart to heart, sit around this single candle for the next hour sharing secrets about themselves. Confessing things to each other. It's called the naked fire dance because you "take off your masks" (aka "get naked) in a circle around "a fire" (candle).

Again, this was an incredibly moving and formative experience for me. I was in a group with jocks, cheerleaders, people I'd NEVER interact with normally. And I felt so loved and connected to them. But that's a big component about how cults work. They feel good!!

Then, you all go back for one final group prayer and are released to bed. The next morning is the 4th day where they do some wrapping up, and you find out the whole retreat is structured around Jesus' 3 day death or whatever. And then you, on the 4th day - rise again. You live the fourth!! And you also talk about it to no one. Ever. That is a very important component of Living the 4th: Don't you dare fucking talk about it.

You go back to the school on a bus for your parents to pick you up and you are led into the chapel for one "final prayer" it's then that you are stampeded at down the hallway by all the other students who have already been through Kairos. That was also very special, like the letters moment. Just a WALL of over a hundred other teenagers running straight for you screaming. My boyfriend was there and picked me up and spun me around it was really sweet and nice. Trainwreck of love.

AND NOW FOR SOME INSIDER KNOWLEDGE FROM SOMEONE WHO SPENT A WEEK AS A CULT LEADER STUDENT DISCUSSION LEADER:

Every night after we'd send the students to bed, all the teachers and student leaders would convene in this other, side cabin like a high council. It was there that we'd review how the day went, how our breakout and small group discussions went, things we were observing in our flock student group, things we wanted advice and guidance on, etc. They were nice meetings. We'd have snacks. It'd be fun etc.

BUT. MY FAVORITE PART OF THESE MEETINGS. WE'D TALK ABOUT OUR NEXT TARGETS. WE'D TALK ABOUT WHO IN OUR GROUPS WE THOUGHT WAS CLOSE TO "BREAKING." AKA OPENING UP TO BARE THEIR SOUL AND CONNECT TO THE OTHER STUDENTS. TO LIKE. SPILL ALL THEIR BEANS.

WE WOULD DISCUSS STRATEGIES TO HELP BREAK THEM.

"Oh yeah I think letters night tomorrow is gonna break Chris enough to open up at the naked fire dance."

"Kelsey is SO CLOSE to getting there I think she'll break through tomorrow morning."

"Yeah I think Ryan just needs his space but I can tell he'll come around so we'll not push we'll just gently continue to offer."

HELLO???

I'M SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD AND IN A ROOMFUL OF OTHER STUDENTS AND MY TEACHERS TALKING ABOUT HOW TO PSYCHOLOGICALLY MANIPULATE OTHER STUDENTS INTO SHARING SECRETS ABOUT THEMSELVES???

And again, never even thought that was weird or culty until now. Just thought I was helping my fellow students get the most out of Kairos. And you're not supposed to talk about Kairos, btw.

Anyways. TL;DR it was a really great experience for me and taught me a lot about empathy for others and self love, however there were definitely more than a few ethical violations and things that now raise a number of concerns for me as an adult that I think will never get fully addressed.

And that's how I helped to lead a cult for a week!

#more lore #asks #silv's lorebook #if u want me to talk more about my individual sermon lmk #but it was basically just 45 minutes of me bashing my school priest #i was not allowed to lead again

46 notes · View notes