#sma stelena

[sixmorningsafter]

IF Y’ALL HAVEN’T SEEN EPISODE TWO OF AMAZON’S ‘MODERN LOVE’ IT’S LITERALLY DEV PATEL AS THE PERFECT SMA STEFAN TELLING THE STORY OF HIM AND ELENA I KID YOU NOT THERE ARE LIKE DIRECT MATCHING QUOTES I’M?????

it’s stefan. he’s stefan.

I don’t know how it ends yet so that part might be different but the first half? it’s SMA.

[bonneibennett]

Apparently a couple kisses at the cemetery. My gut is telling me Stelena because they were the heart of the show and met there. It could be a Delena goodbye because she isn't waking up or they are endgame which lets be real can happen because Julie supports a toxic mess. Or it's a steroline goodbye because Stefan is dying. Or it's a bonzo goodbye. I doubt Bamon will be the couple to kiss there. I don't trust Julie.

lmaoooo I know this is serious speculation and spoiler, and I think you’ve definitely covered the likely bases on which couple it might be... JP is definitely not to be trusted. 

But you said “a couple kisses at the cemetery,” and literally all I could think about was Bonnie/Damon in the @sixmorningsafter Valentine’s Day flashforward that Gabi @darwinquark posted last week:

Bonnie was pointing at them with a vindicated look.

"You two are just as PDA as we are."

Stefan barked out a laugh. "Negative."

"Not even close," Caroline scoffed, and Bonnie threw her hands up with a baffled look.

"Are we the ones making out in the middle of the street?"

"Right this second, no, but five minutes ago?"

"Psh—we weren't even in the street five minutes ago."

"Yeah, 'cause we were crossing through a cemetery."

Bonnie opened her mouth to argue for a stubborn second before closing it. And then she glanced down at Damon. And then she stifled a laugh. "Maybe we shouldn't be making out in cemeteries."

Damon shrugged. "Then you shouldn't have worn that dress."

All I can say is, something tells me that the SMA version is probably a ton better than whatever we’ll see in canon???

[sixmorningsafter]

Did She Really Love Me?

Okay, so. Without getting into too much detail, here’s how the past couple of months (in regards to SMA of course) have been: I started the review for the most recent chapter as soon as it came out, but it was too emotional (and boy, I was too emotional) to even try. I tried again maybe a month or so later, but writer’s block and Emotions were not about it. Then, I thought, let’s be creative with SMA crack, and I started doing wedding drabbles + moodboards because ya know, I’m planning a wedding (remind me to show you The Dress). I finished the steroline one, but then my laptop crashed. Violently. So, that was fun. Idk if I can recover anything off my laptop, but it seems like I may not be able to. That’s another story and drama entirely.

Now, I have a new laptop, so that’s good. But then, I heard Did You Really Love Me by Jeff Carl:

Did ya really love me? Did ya even know how much I cared? Did ya really know me? Oh, I’m feelin’ so unprepared. It’s getting harder to breathe. We had such good, why did you leave? What did you think that you need that you couldn’t find it in me?

So, I wrote this Stefonnie, post-Stelena drabble/one-shot whatever. Enjoy the angst.

“Wow. Okay. Um…”

Stefan isn’t even concerned by Bonnie’s sudden presence in his apartment. If he’s honest, he’s been seeing and hearing things for the past three weeks, barely functioning on a minimal amount of sleep. He knows she’s referring to the whirlwind of his apartment, things he’s tossed and toppled, but he is unbothered.

Everything he sees reminds him of her, and behind his eyelids, everything he doesn’t see does the same.

“Stef…” Bonnie’s voice is low, like she’s talking to a patient groggy on medication. “Stefan, it’s Bonnie.”

A muted rage makes him want to snap. I’m heartbroken, not a moron! But, when the gravity of his situation weighs on him, he bites his tongue. Oh, but he was a moron. He is a moron. His eyes are dry, but his chest caves around his sad heart.

“You haven’t been answering my calls.”

She looks like she’s navigating a booby-trap. She sits next to his contorted body on the sofa. The way his arms wrap around him, you’d think he was a mummy. Petrified by shock and loss.

“I hope you don’t mind, I used the spare. Stefan…”

She pushes hair away from his forehead, and he knows it’s dramatic when he flinches, but he can’t help it. Physical contact hurts. Everything hurts. He catches a glimpse of her frown, but he knows under the worry is anger.

“Okay, first things first.” She pops up. “We’re going to get you some food. Then, we’ll…” She surveys the room—then frowns. “Is this an e-cigarette?”

He doesn’t smoke, so he understands the confusion. He doesn’t even have the courage to even look in her direction. Look, Rebekah had to learn drama from someone in their family.

She ignores it and orders Chinese food. Their favorite—now his favorite—is right across the street. His stomach whines, but he won’t be able to keep it down.

“Don’t order from there,” he rasps as she’s almost done. She startles at his wrecked voice. “Order from the one by you.”

Understanding, she nods. She cancels the order and speed-dials her Chinese restaurant. She orders the same food. As she listens to the employee read the order back, she studies the room. He knows she wants to clean it—that’s how she usually gets out of her own funks—but she would need his help. Help he is unwilling to give.

“Thanks.” She hangs up and looks at him. They make eye contact, and he knows her heart goes out to him. She inhales deeply before clapping her hands together. “Okay, buddy, let’s get you into the shower. When you’re all clean, the food will be here by then, hopefully, and then we’ll eat, and we’ll see about cleaning this—”

Her perky singsong tone strikes something, and he heaves a sob he didn’t know was still in him.

“Oh, hon—”

“What did I miss?” he croaks. Bonnie’s optimism crumples into pity. He knows all her faces. He knew all of her faces. “What did she need that I didn’t give her? That I couldn’t give her? I gave her everything.”

His fingers curl into his palms. He did give her everything—every part of him, anything she asked. What did he do to drive her into the arms of another man? He could scoff—how could he even call this other guy a ‘man’? What man steals another’s love?

His lungs burn.

How could he have been so blindsided? God, he thought they were on the same page. Love at first sight, a true love, damning how young or how little they knew about one another—it was an epic, long-lasting love that learns every secret, every tic, everything as the long, beautiful years go on.

Love? Beauty? He does scoff. Fallacies he’s bought into, he’s fed on all these years.  

When Bonnie seizes him in a strong embrace, he realizes she’s the only one who can keep him grounded right now. Not even his sisters could comfort him (not that anyone other than Freya even tried).

Muffled against her chest, he manages, “We were perfect.”

“No couple is perfect.” Her reminder is gentle. It stings less coming from her. “No one is perfect, not even you.” It’s a hook for a joke, but she recognizes he’s not biting. “People are selfish, and people mess up… monumentally.”

“Did she really love me?”

Bonnie squeezes his shoulders, and they sit. They sit and sit, listening to the sounds of life right outside his window, of the city and of the birds and the wind. Listening to sounds of life right in the room, of the thundering silence surrounding their own breathing and heartbeats.

Someone knocks on his door. It’s the delivery guy. Bonnie presses an uncharacteristic kiss to his temple and leaves. Symbolic, really. The apartment smells of salt and savor. She returns and gently untangles his arms.

“You’re going to shower—no sad music video renditions—” she tries to garner a laugh, but he barely lifts the corners of his mouth. “Then, we feast.”

He knows she means well, as she shuffles him into the bathroom. She jokes that he’s on his own from here, and even that sends a jolt through his severed heart. He knows she means well, as she blasts 90’s hip hop and rap on his stereo, no doubt trying to bring order back to his living room.

But under the running water, in the overwhelming scent of a generic shampoo and not the warm vanilla he was used to, he is still crushed by his unanswered question.

Did she really love me?

–

this year’s been rough in many ways, one of which is the first full piece I’ve written since April maybe? feels good to write again. hope your holidays were fun and restful <3

A/N below the cut:

OKAY, so to begin with: I have a theory that sometimes, even though it defies all that ‘practice makes perfect’ shit we’ve been hearing our whole lives, taking a lengthy break from writing can actually make you better. Dunno if it has to do with a chance to break from your routine and then come back with a fresh voice, or if you just come back on less of an autopilot than you were in before, but one way or another, it happens sometimes, and THIS IS TOTALLY THAT. I know you feel rusty but GIIIIRRRLLL, this was LOVELY.

Everything he sees reminds him of her, and behind his eyelids, everything he doesn’t see does the same.

AHHHHH.

His chest caves around his sad heart.

AHHHHH.

 Look, Rebekah had to learn drama from someone in their family.

I cackled.

Not even his sisters could comfort him (not that anyone other than Freya even tried).

Lexi was the not-gonna-say-I-called-it-but-I-highkey-called-it sister and Rebekah was the ‘omg I know let’s use this opportunity for a much-needed makeover’ sister. 

She jokes that he’s on his own from here, and even that sends a jolt through his severed heart.

AHHHHHH.

Okay, before I just quote the shit out of this whole thing, I’ll reign it in: you captured Stefan and Bonnie’s relationship so friggin’ perfectly. Bonnie would absolutely be a blend of empathy, humor, and tough BFF love, and Stefan would absolutely be that balance of wallowing drama and genuine heartbreak. You did such a marvelous job toeing that line - it’s so easy to just take the humor route and trivialize his theatrics when it comes to this breakup (I do it all the time, lololol), but between the humorous bits of melodrama, you genuinely made my heart break for him. I could feel his devastation. Devastated Disney prince. Also, you did such a fantastic job capturing the tension in the room and the quiet, desolate atmosphere. It felt like the aftermath of a natural disaster, like some bomb had detonated a few weeks ago and Stefan was just still sitting in the wreckage of it all, resigned, ash and burnt-edged debris settled all around him. The beats of silence and processing during their conversation gave it such a realistic pace, and I loved all of Stefan’s thoughts throughout it. Especially loved this one: 

Stef…” Bonnie’s voice is low, like she’s talking to a patient groggy on medication. “Stefan, it’s Bonnie.”

A muted rage makes him want to snap. I’m heartbroken, not a moron! But, when the gravity of his situation weighs on him, he bites his tongue. Oh, but he was a moron. He is a moron. His eyes are dry, but his chest caves around his sad heart.

Just felt so genuinely human. Also loved the detail about the Chinese place and how he had her order the exact same food from a different one. Very real. 

Anyway, I miss the crap out of you and your writing (PLEASE GET BACK TO WRITING, AND IF YOU WANT TO USE SMA AS AN EASY WAY TO EDGE BACK INTO IT, I CAN’T THINK OF A BETTER REASON FOR SMA TO EXIST). Also, your wedding dress is a legit DREAM. I don’t even really get too into weddings and stuff but gah, I’m so excited for yours. It’s definitely been a tough year for me too, but I’m beyond thrilled for the good things coming ahead for you and I want all the updates re: you and Ryan. 

LOVE YA GIRL.

[sixmorningsafter]

sma sneak peek #idk, ch. 16

In which Stefan is a very flowery thinker and probz needs a diary. 

“Do you actually believe in all that, though?” Caroline managed between laughs, and his face crumpled.

“Love?”

“Not just love, that kind of love—storybook love,” she explained, eyes bright with irony. “Sweeping, grand gesture, travel-to-the-ends-of-the-earth, speak-our-own-weird-language love.”

He parted his mouth in an instinctive ‘yes’ but it caught in his throat.

He blinked for a second.

…did he?

He felt his stubborn, impassioned expression dim, slipping into something stiller. Cooler. He definitely used to. He’d grown up with it. Thought his parents had it. Thought Freya and Marcel had it. Thought he’d one day have it. Even when he was with Valerie and knew it wasn’t quite right, he never questioned that it was out there, that lightning bolt, waiting for the right moment, for the right person, to strike him.

And then he met Elena.

And all he could remember thinking was that for all his lofty, unrealistic romanticizations of love, he actually hadn’t idealized it enough.

It was better.

She was better.

Overwhelming. Luminous. He’d felt like a stray planet that’d gotten caught in her orbit and knew with fundamental, infinite certainty that he was exactly where he was supposed to end up. He’d found his sun. 

“I, uh,” he began, glancing down at his hands, lips flickering half-heartedly, “I don’t know anymore, actually.”

Was it real if the sun started to fade after a few years? Was it real if the gravity weakened and he had to struggle to stay in her atmosphere? Was it real if another planet got pulled in, one he could never see because it was always on the exact opposite side of her, moving in tandem with him, eclipsed by her glow?

Was it real if it turned out she wasn’t the sun at all?

Just a lonely grey moon reflecting the light he was basking her in?

Was it fair that he’d ever expected her to be?

(I’ve been getting a lot of asks about diving more into Stefan’s past lately so hopefully this gets you excited for what’s ahead. Trying very hard to update soon!)

[sixmorningsafter]

A more character-centered trailer for the BD/SC fanfic, Six Mornings After. 

vimeo: x

[sixmorningsafter]

i'm the stefan stan who asked if we'll get stefan chapter. also, shouldn't stefan have some dark side (paralleling the ripper)? or is he a total cupcake who never sins? cause I'm cool either way but my headcanon is that he's got something hidden to regret and be guilty about in his mind (like maybe he hit a dog with his car before and that's how he got into all of this to redeem himself lol)

Hey, man! Totally got your other ask, and I’ll answer that one separately, but just to give you some kind of answer now - not sure there’s some like big crippling secret he has that keeps him up at night (he didn’t like accidentally murder anyone, lmao), but I wouldn’t exaaactly say he’s a pure, innocent lamb, either. 

I think you’ll probably learn some less flattering sides of him when I dive a little deeper into his breakup with Elena, which I’ll definitely be doing in the next chapter. He put more pressure on her to be perfect than the story’s really let on, not through aggression or anything but just through boxing her into a mold she didn’t actually fit and sort of dismissing/discouraging the parts of her that didn’t fit into that mold. Like, there were moments where she’d sneak in more of the real her, like maybe joking that instead of camping in Colorado they could do spring break in Daytona Beach like everyone else, and Stefan would just look at her like she’d grown three heads and ask her why she’d even want to do that, which would sort of make her close up and bury that part of herself. And yeah, two people are at fault there, because she should’ve been upfront about the fact that she actually enjoyed those things, but Stefan was always a little willfully unaware of how much influence her reliance on him gave him - like I think their relationship started at a point where he was the knight in shining armor and she needed something stable and good in her life, and that came with a subtle power dynamic that Stefan wasn’t sensitive enough to. And I’d say maybe his ‘sin’ here is that deep down, he probably did know a bit. He liked being needed that much by her, he liked the way she looked at him like he hung the moon, and he liked thinking of her as this strong, beautiful, kind, but ultimately broken girl who he could pull out of the dark, so he embraced that dynamic and possibly used it to point her in the ‘right directions’. And that’s two-dimensionalizing as hell and kinda shitty.

Also, I think right after the breakup, Stefan was not a very fun person to be around (not just because he was mopey, but because he was pretty bitter and judgmental). SMA picks up three years after, so he’s had a bit of time to come down from that, but for example, when I write the drabble of Stefan and Caroline meeting for the first time, you’ll definitely see more of that from him. You saw a flash of it in 13?, 14?, whenever Stefan sort of snapped at Damon, but that side is definitely there. I know that’s probably not what you had in mind, lmao, especially given the kind of demons canon gives Stefan, but to be like… toooooootally honest, I’m a little over self-loathing Stefan. I blame the TVD writers. It started off so compelling and then they just ran it into the ground and constantly made him a slave to it and he literally ended the series basically committing suicide because he still thought his life was worthless compared to Damon’s and I just. Lmao. I’m just cool with having him be a generally stress-free dude.