#so I was like cool my phd program has scheduled me for a visit that same weekend but they should be fine

[neverbesokind]

every. time. I think I have a handle on this fucking job, I realize that I don't and I am a failure.

[schrijverr]

I Dig You 8

Chapter 8 out of 8

Robin is tentatively excited for her first internship: an archaeological dig in the Netherlands, where she has been studying. However, when she gets there, Steve is there too. The dick of their uni that she now has to work with. Great. But being stuck digging for six weeks makes people bond and maybe he isn’t too bad. Maybe he can be her friend.

AKA an archaeology interns, modern, enemies-to-friends stobin au

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: none

~~~~

Chapter 8: Plans

The two have made their way back to the vacation home, deciding that while it gets dark late, they shouldn’t risk getting lost. They are trying to maintain a semblance of a normal sleeping schedule to survive the last week that’s coming.

However, once there, they decide that it’s not yet time for sleeping, so they’re sitting on the table – on not at, because sitting on tables is superior – and are chatting about everything and nothing, content with each other’s presence.

After a lull in the conversation, Steve breaks the silence by asking: “What about you, by the way? What do you want to do with your future?”

“I mean, I wanna finish my Bachelor’s with high enough grades to get into the Research Master, then specialize in materials, bones specifically, before doing my PhD, preferably with a minimal student loan debt. Then do research for the rest of my life, probably work at a uni and teach,” Robin says. She has had this dream for forever, so it’s an easy answer.

“You’re going to stay at the faculty here?” Steve asks.

“That’s the plan for now. I like the uni and I know the professors. So, I’m not planning on leaving just yet,” Robin says.

“So, you’re not missing your parents? People back home?” Steve asks. “You said you’re working, you don’t wanna go visit after this?”

“Can’t really afford the plane ticket,” Robin shrugs ruefully, for once not embarrassed to admit that out loud. “Besides, my parents are the only cool people there, I don’t really have a connection with most of my extended family, except my conservative grandma, so don’t really miss her. I do miss my parents of course, but there isn’t a uni with a good archaeology program nearby, so it wouldn’t really matter, because I couldn’t go see them regularly anyway, so why go there, you know?”

“That fucking sucks, dude,” Steve says. “When does it become socially acceptable for me to offer to buy you a plane ticket? I mean, you have cool parents, you should be able to go see them. This is so unfair.”

“Welcome to the world, buddy,” Robin rolls her eyes, though also touched by his reply. “And I already used up most of my vacation days, so I have to go back to work when I’m done here. If we’re still friends by christmas you can come over to mine to celebrate and I will turn a blind eye if you pay for the plane tickets and forget to send me a Tikkie.”

“Didn’t we just decide to be friends forever? I’m holding you to that,” Steve grins. “I wanna meet these mystical parents of yours.”

“Daisy and Thomas Buckley are the most boring people alive, but whatever floats you boat,” Robin informs him, though she’s fond. She loves her parents and she can’t help but get happy whenever their friendship is confirmed. It might sound a little sad, but she needs that validation or her brain convinces her it’s all a trick.

“I like boring,” Steve replies.

“Yeah, that tracks,” Robin ribs him, quite literally.

“Ouch!” Steve pouts, clutching his side. “You’re mean.”

“And you like me anyway,” Robin grins brightly, because it’s true. Steve knows what a judgmental bitch she is and he still wants to be best friends.

“Sadly,” Steve jokes.

“Who’s being mean now?” Robin says, putting on a huge pout.

“Oh no, it is me. However, shall I repay you for this horrendous slight against you?” Steve asks dramatically, draping himself over her, which almost makes her topple.

Robin shoves him off, while being carefully so he doesn’t actually fall off the table as she huff: “You’re such a dork, I don’t know why people think you’re cool.”

“It’s called being confused 90% of the time so people think you’re aloof,” Steve says as he sits back up again.

“That’s stupid,” Robin says.

“I know,” Steve shrugs.

They’re quiet again. Between the trees the sun is setting and Robin knows they should be going to bed if they don’t want to fuck up their schedules, but that would mean ending this moment and she is too attached, so she stays quiet.

Steve is the one that breaks the quiet again. His voice is more serious again as he asks: “Do you want to stay here or move back to the States when you’re done?”

“Haven’t really thought about it,” Robin says honestly. “I mean, I’ll be twenty-two when I’m done with my Bachelors, twenty-five with my Master and then a PhD is between four to ten years. I’ll be twenty-nine at the youngest. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet. Why?”

“I mean, I’d be sad if you moved away,” Steve admits softly.

Robin tends to forget she is a person in other people’s lives, so she’s taken aback for a second, before a happy feeling floods through her. She says: “I’d miss you too.”

“That’s- that’s good. Is that weird to say?”

“Probably, but I don’t think so,” Robin replies. “I’m bad at being friends with people, but it’s easy with you. This is nice.”

“Can you believe you hated me five weeks ago?” Steve randomly comments.

“I didn’t hate you,” Robin lies.

“You totally did,” Steve laughs, poking her.

“I thought you were annoying and a stupid frat bro, I didn’t hate you, because that would mean I was more invested in you than I was,” Robin retorts to save face.

“You were bitter about Tammy,” Steve singsongs.

“Ugh, are you ever letting that go?” Robin groans.

“Never,” Steve tells her smugly.

“I hate you.”

“No, you don’t.”

“… Fuck. No, I don’t,” Robin sighs, though she’s unable to help the smile. She can’t believe how fast her opinion of Steve changed, but she’s glad for it. Idly she says: “It’s going to be weird to not be in your space 24/7 after this.”

“Yeah, it is. You can always come over to mine, you know? Hell, you could move in and that would be cool,” Steve agrees.

“What?” Robin chokes, surprised by the offer, but not for the reason you’d think. “You haven’t offered anyone that. Carol and Tommy both complained – loudly, I might add – how much of a dick move that was of you.”

“Tsk, of course they did. I don’t want them to live with me because they throw parties every weekend in their own house and I actually like my personal space, and not living with people, who don’t clean and make fun of the way I eat,” Steve scoffs.

“Wow, yeah, okay, they sound horrible,” Robin says, unable to fathom living like that. She likes her own space too.

“Tell me about it, I don’t know why it took me this long to drop them. They can be the worst,” Steve says. “I guess it was just what I thought friendships were supposed to be like. Befriending people at the archaeology faculty, like Argyle – he’s super cool, by the way – made me realize that was actually not normal, lol.”

Robin fights the urge to make fun of Steve for saying lol out loud, since she can recognize when someone is trying to make something sound less serious. Instead she nods: “Yeah, I can get that,” before smirking: “Sooo, I am worthy of living in the Harrington residence?”

“Yeah, you’re cool,” Steve responds more easily than Robin would have thought. “And we’ve kind of proven we can live together just fine. I’d help you move and everything.”

“Wait, you’re for real?” she asks, looking at Steve with wide eyes. She kind of thought he was joking, but he sounds pretty serious.

Steve looks back like she is weird for not getting that yet. “Of course, why would I joke about that?”

“I don’t know, that sounds like something you should think about before offering, right?” Robin shoots back.

“Why? We’re students, people move in impulsively all the time,” Steve answers. “It would actually be a pretty normal thing to do.”

“Except that your parents would be my landlords,” Robin points out, not even daring to ask what the rent situation would be like.

“No, the house is in my name, remember? I’d be your landlord,” Steve says.

“That doesn’t really make it better,” Robin informs him.

Steve shakes his head, suddenly looking excited as he says: “No, it does make it better. Think about it. I can charge you nothing and if my parents ask, I can just say you’re my girlfriend and they’d understandably let you stay for free, because they are terrified of me being anything but straight and then I can get as much money out of them as I can, before they cut me off. I’d be perfect.”

“You- you want to beard in the year 2023 to scam your homophobic parents out of money?” Robin asks incredulously, unsure if she understood correctly.

Steve nods.

“Well, that does sound pretty punk to do,” Robin admits, because when she thinks about it, that is hilarious and she’d get a house with no rent out of it in the actual city the uni is in, so she won’t have to take the train every day.

“Is this you agreeing?” Steve asks her, excitement not having left.

“Yeah, sure, let’s become roomies,” Robin laughs, a little disbelieving at how she ended up here, but delighted nonetheless.

“Yay,” Steve cheers, doing a dorky little dance that Robin joins in with, because why the hell not?

With that decided, they lay down on the table side by side, looking up at the slowly appearing stars as they continue to plan how to move in together, arguing if they can move furniture by public transport or if they need to find a person with a car they can borrow, since neither of them are qualified to lease one.

“We can’t carry my bed frame with just the two of us!” Robin exclaims. “How are we even fitting it in the tram or train for that matter.”

“You see people with crazy shit in the train all the time,” Steve argues back. “I’ve seen people with a fridge, like a hundred suitcases, people with a floor length mirror and people with a big ass chair. We can totally take your bed with us on the tram.”

“Okay, fine, even if it’s allowed, have you seen my noodle arms? I can’t carry it and even if I could, I am not coordinated enough to pull that off,” Robin says.

“I can do it by myself.”

“You cannot carry a bed frame by yourself. We need a car.”

“Who do you know with a car?” Steve shoot back.

“No one, you’re the one with friends.”

Steve is quiet for a second, then says: “… Argyle has this beat up van. He’ll probably help us move if we buy him pizza at the end of the day.”

“See, problem solved,” Robin says self-satisfied.

“I still think I can do it,” Steve pouts.

“Well, you’ll just have to find that out in your own time,” Robin informs him. “So, what about chores? Are we making a schedule or like splitting it on preferred tasks?”

And on they go, deciding how to organize chores and cooking, what to tell people that ask and what they prefer when it comes to studying and noises, making a list of rules. By the time they’re done, it’s already late and Robin knows they fucked up their sleeping schedule just a little bit, but neither of them care.

The next day, they both sleep in for a change, doing a familiar dance through their small kitchen as they make their breakfast and get ready for the day of lounging around, before they have to start up again for their last week on the dig.

If Robin had expected Steve to change his mind overnight, she doesn’t get a chance to ask if he had, because Steve excitedly tells her they can have Dutch Days where they try to only speak Dutch, because he looked it up and if she wants to teach here at the uni she needs a minimum level of Dutch, so they both have to practice.

After that time seems to fly by with the last week of the excavation seeming to not last longer than a blink. Before they know it, they’re standing around on their last day, waiting for Jeroen to fill in their evaluation, so they can add it to their final report, before leaving to spend the last day in the vacation home that has been their shared home for weeks now.

They’re both a little melancholic as they write their final daily report together and make dinner (pasta for the dozenth time), before going to sleep.

The follow morning, Robin is also awake early and they clean the vacation home together, so they’re not leaving it a complete sandy mess, before Steve goes to give back the key, while Robin watches the bikes.

With their bikes packed, they make their way to the local train station, traveling together until they’re at Utrecht, where they have to split up.

It’s a little weird to say goodbye, so Robin says: “So, uhm, we’ll meet up soon?”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll text you,” Steve agrees.

Suddenly Robin is struck with a thought and she says: “Do I even have your number?”

“I don’t know, do I have yours?” Steve replies, pulling out his phone.

“Can you imagine if we don’t?” Robin giggles.

“It would be very on theme,” Steve giggles too, weird tension broken again. He asks: “Are you in that big group chat with everyone from first year?”

“Yeah, I am, you too?” Robin says.

“Yeah,” Steve confirms.

“At least we have each other’s number,” Robin laughs, amused at the situation. “I’m going to save you in my phone as Airhead Himbo.”

“Rude, I’m saving you as Pretentious Dick,” Steve says.

“That’s rude,” Robin protests, though she’s grinning.

“You started it.”

“Okay, okay, I’ll change it to Schmuck,” Robin concedes.

“Is Bone Lady better?” Steve asks with an equally amused look on his face.

“Totally, that is epic. I will wear it with pride.”

“I somehow feel I got the short end of this,” Steve says, though it’s clear he thinks the whole thing to be hilarious.

“Live with it,” Robin winks (naturally failing at the action, but Steve is a good friend, who doesn’t mention that). Then she sees the time and curses: “Fuck, I have to run if I wanna catch my train. Don’t forget to text me,” she calls out already running.

“I won’t! Bye!” Steve yells at her as she sprints to the right platform, barely catching her train with the struggle it is to get her bike in with her.

Once she is finally seated she checks her phone, seeing a few texts from Steve that read:

You run funny

Oh my god that’s rude

Sorry

I love you

Pls, still move in with me

Robin snorts out loud and texts back: omg ur a fucking loser lmao, oc ill move in with u, dingus

Then she takes a second, before she adds: love u too, have a safe trip <3

Steve sends back a string of emojis that is more suited for a granddad, who should not be allowed near technology. Most of them are heart-shaped or heart-adjacent, so Robin decides it must be a positive thing as she smiles and shakes her head.

They continue texting for the entire time and Steve comes to visit the next day, pointing at all her furniture as he continues the argument of whether or not he could lift it by himself and if it would fit into the tram and train, while Robin is packing all her little trinkets.

Argyle is luckily down to help them out, so Robin never has to actually stop Steve from attempting to lift her desk and it turns out the dude is very cool. Robin hasn’t worked with him, but she has seen him around, but never talked to him.

As the new year starts, the two of them learn that Argyle is the only person at the faculty, who is seemingly not weirded out by their sudden attachment, because they get a lot of weird looks and curious questions when they show up together for the one little thesis talk at the starts, Steve giving Robin a piggyback ride.

However, the two of them shake it off easily. By then they’ve been living together for three months already and are very comfortable together. They just click, it just works for them.

Robin sometimes can’t believe how lucky she is with Steve (and she is thrilled that Steve thinks the same, a fact he informs her off multiple times a day, especially at the end when they’re chilling on the couch and she is running her hands through his hair, because it’s so so so soft).

When she got to that excavation and seethed that she could never be rid of ‘that fucking guy’ she couldn’t have imagined how true that statement was and how happy she’d be with that outcome, but here she is and the future has never looked brighter.

~~

A/N:

I feel like maybe they’re speed running the whole best friends thing, but they’re also stobin, so you know xp

(Also they totally still live together rn with ten cats and shit)

[aal-archaeology]

Summary of my first term of my Ph.D. at Stanford during a global pandemic and an extremely controversial election year (Anthropology, yr. 1, she/they, 25y/o) with some toggl data analysis

Well this year was a doozy if I don’t say so myself. But we survived it, and its okay if that’s all you were able to do this year because that’s enough.  As an offical 18th grader, I feel like I can speak pretty well to the toxicity of the academic environment. There is always a pressure to be working all of the time, people compete with each other with how few hours of sleep they got, every conversation with fellow students is just listing off all of the different assignemnts you have to do by the end of the week. On top of all of this, this is 2020. So, I decided that this year I’m going to give myself some mental slack. 

I decided that this is the year that I’m not going to try to impress anyone. I’m just going to survive and do what I have to do to move onto the next term. I think I did a pretty good job at that for the first term, so I’ll share a bit about what I observed in myself and those in my cohort. Coming into term one having to choose classes, many of my peers were packing their schedules full of 5 Unit seminars. For those who don’t know, theoretically, a 5 Unit course is supposed to take about 5-6 hours of work outside of class hours. For Stanford Anthropology, most PhD students take as close as they can to 18 credits, and anything over that you have to pay extra for the courses. Taking more courses doesn’t really put you any further ahead in terms of completing your degree, and you’re expected to complete about 45 Units each year for the first two years of the program. 

I decided to take 2 seminars (typical), a language course, and a couple filler credits that we are given the option to use if we need 1-3 units to hit 18 total. I,  fortunately, tracked every hour spent outside of the classroom working on each course using toggl (i highly reccomend): 

In a typical week, I spent about 5-6 hours/week outside of class on my Anthro seminars, and about 6-7 hours on Japanese. Japanese was a “for-fun” class so I would usually study more of that when I didn’t feel like reading dense archaeological theory. 

Toggl was a really cool way to see where I was spending too much, or not enough, time on my classwork. If it was taking me more than 1.5 hours to get through a single article, I knew I was probably spending too much time on it and should move on to the next thing. My goal for the term was to stay true to the 5 Unit idea of 5-6 hours, and not over-work myself. 

Toggl was also useful in tracking my mental health throughout the term, as it is very obvious to see when I just was not physically capable of ingesting 400 pages of reading. For example, election week:

Election week was really hard for me, and everyone else in the world honestly. I had various family things I was dealing with, typical existential dread, plus it was week 8-ish of the term when everything was already on fire in terms of workload. For one of my seminars (purple), we had to read a book for the following week which I was able to do the sundar after election day. However, for the days leading up to and surrounding the 4th, the only thing I could mentally handle was mindless Japanese vocab studying. One of my seminars really sufferend this week, and I straight up just didnt show up to the smaller Anth 310G class because I had only read the title of the pdf. Fortunately, I emailed my professor of my Theory class and was like “yo dude I cannot” and he replied that he understood and wouldnt call on me during that day of class. 

I didn’t do a whole lot of journalling at all this term, but for this week I just wrote “pain” on most days and then YAY BIDEN at the end of it. 

Weekly Schedule

Above is what a typical week looked like, some were a lot lot lot more dense, others not so much, but this was pretty average. Not all things on the calendar are work related, some are extra lectures from visiting professors that sounded interesting, or “Free Boba & Snacks Pick Up” put on by my residence. Monday, Wednesday, and Sunday were my big work days last term, where I didn’t have a whole lot of classes so I would do most of my reading then. On Tues and Thurs I had one 3-hour seminar, and M-F I had a 50 min Japanese class. 

I woke up every day around 7am-ish, made a green tea, and sat at the computer to work, filter through emails, etc. On particularily open days I would go grocery shopping, go for bike rides/walks around campus, go buy food/boba. 

On class-heavy days, I wouldn’t leave my computer for 8-12 hours, which is extremely ridiculous but that’s the new norm in school in 2020. This kind of stunk because all of the socializing was also on the computer, so even if I wasn’t working I was doing screen related things. 

EVERY day I stopped working at 6pm. Rarely did I do readings past 6pm unless I was really slacking somewhere. From 6pm onwards I would do things like play Among Us or League of Legends with my discord friends, eat, watch movies with my partner, etc. And then most nights I would try to be in bed by 12am at the latest. 

Social Life

Despite the online nature of things this term, I was suprisingly able to meet a lot of great people on campus. We were all being tested at least once a week, which made in person gatherings with 1-4 people a little less scary, especially when half of the people lived together in one household. 

In the first week of school, some of the grad programs put on a “speed friending” zoom event, where I was able to connect with two people really well. We ended up doing a “slow-friending” zoom event afterwards and then created a FB group chat and added all of the people we had met into it. The group ended up being about 15 people, and we would message the group for park hangouts, going to get food, or going on walks on campus. We also had a huge get together in a park for Mid-Autumn Festival, where we sat in a socially distanced circle, chatted, and ate mooncakes. 

Most of my socializing came from my online friends, and amongus was a huge savior to my mental health this term wher emy group would play literally every night. I also made a really good friend off of Bumble BFF this term, who I’ve hung out with a good amount for plant shopping and board games. 

I’m very fortunate to be in a situation where I can get tested for COVID on a days notice, and very grateful that I could use that to stay a little sane.  My Biggest Accomplishment this term, was not school related. but instead I hit my 365 DAY STREAK on duolingo. This was celebrated with cake. This streak has lived through literal hell and for that I am very proud. 

Overall reflection:

This term was super rough, there were a lot of days where I just napped through it and a lot of days where I couldn’t bring myself to do any work. However, I think the courseload that I took was very manageable and I’m going to continue to go light on myself in that regard. 

I really liked the boundaries that I set for myself this term, not working after 6pm and making time to do some fun things in the midst of chaos. I never felt like I was too far behind on work, or that I wasn’t doing enough, because I had a literal reminder in front of me that I had already put x amount of hours into something with toggl. 

Sometimes in class I would feel like I didn’t know how to productively contribute to conversation, but I think thats a skill that will get better over time and not being so great at it should especially be expected in the first term of a program.

Socially I met a lot of wonderful people who also made me feel more comfortable will myself. I started using She/They pronouns which feel really comforting to me. I made a lot of little origami cranes every time I was feeling sad. I drank a lot of boba. Watched a lot of She Ra. Played a lot of games. It all ended up being okay despite the weight of everything around me. 

I’m proud of all of you for making it through this year, I know it was really difficult for a lot of people in more ways than it was for me, but we’re still here! Sometimes all you can do it make it to the next day and thats such a big accomplishment on its own.  Please feel free to reach out with any questions about time-management, toggl, phd stuff in general, archaeology, etc! Always happy to help out. :’) Thanks for reading! Lyss

[forcingtumbles]

Back at it again, this time with the grad school edition. Let's see if I can get a readmore working.

I'm on the PhD track, I'm in my second week, and it's ready been wild. Last semester, I took some grad classes early-- I took two courses on kids with special needs which were really cool experiences. Now I'm taking an advanced stats course, a course on the history of school psychology, an incredibly rigorous course teaching us how to perform assessments like IQ tests and achievement tests (the professor has a very healthy view of these subjects which is fantastic), and a veerryy interesting class on behaviorism. I'm so in love with the behaviorist framework and the teacher is so enthusiastic about the subject that I was like shit I kinda want a degree in this now too lmao. Also my PhD program bestie hates his guts for being so entrenched in his views which I find hilarious. It makes for great conversations and fun debates between us though. She's an incredible deep-talk kind of buddy and I'm so glad we're going through the program together.

I got an office, which I share with that very same PhD-track bestie, which looks bare now but I'll prolly move more fandom junk in there so it feels more like home.

And here's how packed my schedule has been thus far:

On top of my classes (and the rigorous assessment course's work which feels like a whole 'nother class of its own), I'm also a teaching assistant for my fave professor (just grading papers), performing research work with her research lab, and I'm about to start work on my master's thesis. I'm going to try to look into LGBT youth in rural schools and their connection with things like mental illness, bullying, and suicide rates as compared to their urban and suburban same-age peers, as I am able. I was blown away when my major professor, who does work with dyslexia, told me to do literally whatever I wanted and she would still do her best to help me even if it was outside of her area of expertise. She's such a hard-working and kind person, her support means the world to me.

Lastly, on top of everything, I was just assigned my professional experience mentor, a.k.a. the working professional that I'll be shadowing and then supervised by throughout my graduate studies. This semester, I'll be shadowing for about 4-5hrs per week in one or more of her schools, then she'll evaluate me based on my enthusiasm, peer relations skills, social justice sense, professional persona and so on. Next semester, I'll be taking on my own case for the first time, and I'll need to complete two under her supervision in total by May 2020. My PE mentor is a classy yet laid back lady and we hit it off right away. Plus, she mentored my friend who helped me get a foot in the door with the school psych grad program in the first place, so I think the two of us being friends gave her a good impression of me. I'll be visiting one of her high schools and probably one of her elementary schools this coming Wednesday and I could not be more excited!

The only thing that's kept me from burning out already is the momentum this program instills in every one of its students. The expectations are quite high, and we're constantly reminded that we're really getting a PhD in two areas at once: psychology and education (mostly the SpEd side). So far, my main issues have been keeping my stress about upcoming work under control and finding time to eat and shower, no joke. But I can tell I'm settling into the pace. I've also heard that the assessment course I'm in currently is the hardest thing I'll ever do. We have to get at least a B or else we have to retake the course, and if we don't pass the course the second time around, I think they take the liberty to kick you out of the program. I think I'll make the B no problem because I have prior assessment experience, but I don't want to worry over being close to failing the class.

I'm also already getting a sense of the family-type of environment all of the grad students share. I'm so thankful to feel like I have a whole new family at the university since I'm so often kept away from my real family these days. And I'm really glad to see that we all share an over-achiever mindset, so no one feels shamed for going above and beyond. Lord knows I've already accomplished more in 2 weeks than I had in my beginning 3 years of college, and I can't wait to see what I'm capable of in such a progress-oriented environment! Let's hope I don't work myself sick!!

[ordinarydaymag]

In a time of transformations

Hey there :) We are still here just dealing with the dynamic changes which are happening in our lives and all over the wold lately. But no, we won't talk about viruses, we won't make any analyses or throw advice in your face ... We are here to share with you one more interesting interview from our last Ordinary Day issue. Maybe it will help you escape for a while from your own routine and give you some inspiration and ideas for experimentation and exploration in your free time.

Let’s meet Marie and her paper creations :)

Marie is a designer, a PhD student and a lecturer, and in her story, we learn how she listens to paper before transforming it into a 3D object. Our conversation starts with a simple set of questions but it quickly takes on a different shape, discussing the purpose and ethics of design as well as the key moments that can make designers appreciate their own work, finding your path, letting go and allowing oneself the feeling of achievement.

Marie, you have a wide scope of engagements – how does your ordinary day look like, and how do you stay organised? What makes an ordinary day extraordinary?

I divide my time between teaching, studying and architectural work. I have a timesheet which I use for keeping track of how many hours I spend working on something — just to know, but I don’t do much time-blocking. I am trying to keep a schedule of one or two evenings a week for my studies. But to go back to your question what makes my day extraordinary: I would say those are the moments when I can rest, I can have tea, do nothing for a little while. When I have time to do something that I really like, like folding or trying something in my sketchbook, those are the moments that make me feel good during any day.

What do you study?

I am studying design – a PhD at FUD UJEP in Ústí nad Labem. I am interested in user research and how services can be co-created with their users. User experience analysis has been used mostly in UX, but what I am trying right now is to find out how it could also be used in product design because that is what I teach.

So you are teaching product design now? 

Well, at Prague College I teach Graphic Design, but in the Design Principles class, there is more space for experimentation. At the Faculty of Architecture at the Czech Technical University, I am teaching product design. I am trying to start a new class on user centered design. Next year, FA ČVUT is opening an English language Master’s program focused on Design.

What are your associations with the word transformation?

For me, it is going from something in the past to something new and not knowing what is next, what is coming. That can be scary because it happens that you cannot even control it. So accepting what is coming, feeling okay and saying: “let’s see what is ahead of me.” I guess just taking the risk a little bit. At the same time going with the flow and letting things happen. I realised I changed a lot since childhood. It is changing and not changing at the same time. Trying to be more open to people like during this interview! Getting to know oneself everyday – it is not automatic. I have long been on auto-pilot, let’s say – doing my thing, ordinary day to day routine, getting things done. Having a very long to do list, which I still have. But back then, a time came when I asked myself: “is this the thing I want to do and is it the way I want to keep doing it?”

Tell us more about that moment of realisation the moment that made you reassess your path. 

That was probably when I started teaching but also with the birth of my son. Seven years ago, I was working for an architect and I realised I was clicking at a computer from 9 to 5 drawing someone else’s ideas and that it is not my thing. I learned a lot, it was a great experience but I needed something else. I’ve been thinking for a long time about the ethics of design, the ethics of work. At school, I didn’t do many practical objects. And even before my career started, I knew I want to do things that are really cool, that are perhaps more poetic, that look nice. I was lucky at the beginning, I was working for Dominique Perrault, an architect in Paris who was more of a conceptual architect.

It was a very big office, 70 people from around the world and we each got the chance to work on interesting projects. I was part of the interior team and we got to cooperate on a large variety of projects. You could see the different approaches to design. There was computer work too, but also meeting the clients, working with the materials. But I realised if a concept stays a concept, it is not enough. People either don’t get it or only people that read your 100 page book where you explain what it is about, but when you see something physical like either a house they can visit or an object they can use they will get it more and then they can choose what they like. Selling just a concept is not easy.

And this is how the paper installations come to the world?

I started a long time ago because I worked with paper in my Master’s degree. I experimented with paper even before that; at home with my mother and grandmother, we made origami objects.

Two years ago, my former colleagues from Eva Jiřičná’s office (esté architekti) asked me to do some installations for their project. They were renovating restaurants and I created installations for several of them.

You work with space…

Yes, I work with the space. We discuss what is needed, what is possible. My colleagues are also creatives so they have strong ideas, very minimalistic, white. I like colour, but I agree with them on this. I then go on to prepare lots of models and they choose a couple of them. I work small first and then full scale, to see how they work in the space.

And the process? Do you have an idea in your head and shape the material to match your idea or are you more inspired by the material itself?

 It mostly comes from the material, seeing what comes and just playing to create some shapes I have in my mind or something I want to try. I try in small and then try to make it bigger. Just as I like to work at my paper workshops — playing a bit first and then “listening” to the paper or the material and see what is coming out.

Transforming a sheet of paper and seeing what you can do from it, something that comes naturally during childplay…

That’s what I like about folding paper and other materials, you have the sheet material, the flat “thing” in a standard format and you can cut it and then it becomes 3-dimensional and something that becomes sweet. What I am trying right now is to add movement to it. I can show you here — it is a rectangle that is cut and there is going to be a crystal ball attached to it to add flare...

It reminds me of a dune.

I was thinking of a bird’s wing. The architect showed me pictures of clouds for inspiration so I took it from there.

I imagine paper has its transformational limits, is that correct?

Well it is hard to break paper, but it does crease. What is great about paper is that is an inexpensive and easily available material, you can work with it at home, you don’t need special tools. All that gives you liberty in the creation process. But I started to need more space. [Marie laughs] I love paper but I am also trying other materials — how the objects would look like in metal, for instance.

.........

That takes me back to what you said earlier about transformation — that it is about not having too much control.

When you talk about control, for me since I have a child it is about stopping, refusing to control.

I cannot influence this person. I can try to be a model, do things the best I can but I cannot say you need to be doing the things that way. Accepting that is difficult. So doing more art, taking it easy and going with the flow. I don’t know what is coming next and I accept it.

More about Marie and her work you can find at: www.mariedoucet.com & @design_poetics

The full interview you can find in print from our stockists.

interview: Jana Krchová

photos:  Iva Borisova 

work: Marie Doucet

[hwaetever]

i was tagged by @bespectacledbibliophile

rules: answer eight questions and tag eight people.

last movie I watched: Oh man it was Christiane F: Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo. I watched it for my German class, but I had a schedule conflict with the screening so I had to watch it on my own. I think this was a mercy? It meant I could turn away and take my headphones out when things got too rough.

It is an amazing film. I guess I had some vague conception that teen drug cultures exist and had been a big part of the 70s, but this film grabs you and punches you in the guts until you have a very visceral awareness that real children lived and died this way, so hopeless and miserable in their circumscribed lives behind the Wall that lifestyles of addiction looked like a genuine way out.

last song I listened to:  “New Coats” by Saintseneca. Another one of those essentially happy songs that somehow has a sad core.

last book I read: ah it’s just the Brick

but this time in French

last thing I ate: grilled prosciutto and smoked cheddar sandwich on sourdough bread (really good if you were curious, would be even better with arugula in it though i think)

where would you want to time travel to? oOHH man, not good for me, I’m brown and female. Well I might actually be okay if I hung out in Paris right before WW1? With occasional jaunts to London maybe, to visit the Bloomsbury set if possible? (Can I set the condition that I’m already part of all the best cliques somehow?) Oh, Paris was so cool, everyone making awesome avant-garde art and sponging off one another (good thing Gertrude and Sylvia were around or that wouldn’t have worked for long at all??) and caricaturing one another in delightfully salty memoirs. I would LIVE.

(I would either become a nurse at the end of the fun times, or get out of dodge for a little and then come straight back.)

fictional character I would hang out with for a day: wow, it’s still Zosima. I keep thinking I’m moving beyond my Dostoevsky phase but I guess not really? I mean for one day, that’s not that much; might as well pick someone who will teach you how to be the best possible you (for a metric of “best” that might not be so enjoyable for you, but will definitely have a net moral gain so to speak)

If I could be anywhere right now, where would I be? FARMING. AT THE FARM. I love my PhD program but I am sO tired and I really don’t like missing planting season.

Tagging @land-of-heat-and-clockwork1, @qvyens, @bookalizer, @darrenjolras, @treflev, @angelheadedhispters, @caerdroia, @raeldaza.

[houseofmind]

2 Year Anniversary PD Update

A lot has happened since I last brought you up to speed with my life and academic endeavors. Given that my last update post was over 2 years ago, I wasn’t sure where to start. With that said, this post has been opened and worked on (and opened and worked on, and so forth) so it’s a long one :X If you’re new, welcome! Also, please be sure to check out the list of things I learned during my PhD. 

Spring/Summer 2016

Briefly, I moved to Pittsburgh about a week after that update post. I crammed as much of my stuff as I could along with Fausto (my cat) into a rental car and drove to my new place amidst a snowstorm. I made it there safely (although I had to make an overnight stop that I swear gave my cat anxiety). My new home exceeded my expectations (2 bedroom, living room, kitchen, basement, washer/dryer, short commute < $1,000), but leaving NYC and most of my friends was bittersweet. 

I went into lab the next day after arriving in Pittsburgh. THAT felt really weird because it was when reality hit. New job, new role, new boss (and new style), new techniques, new approaches, new life basically. My first challenge in the lab was learning the “bread and butter” technique: in vivo extracellular recordings of VTA dopamine neurons. Initially, this scared the shit out of me because I had 0 electrophysiology experience so I was worried about how long it would take for me to be decent and start collecting good data. I was trained by the RAP in the lab; I shadowed her for a week and copied down as much as I could. Then, I did an animal every day for a month. That’s about how long it took for me to get comfortable. (Side note: if you move to a lab and need to learn a new technique, my advice is to attack it aggressively until you learn it!). At the beginning I encountered problems such as having my animal bleed too much, giving too much anesthetic, taking too long (a whole day for just one surgery), making bad electrodes, not being able to find dopamine neurons, etc. The really cool part was seeing myself get better: not making the same mistakes, being able to correct mistakes when they happened, becoming faster and more efficient, optimizing my procedure. It was a great reminder of why I love doing science and that I am capable of learning new things :]

Then came the part where my advisor asked me to think of projects related to his prior work and funding. Call this my second challenge in the lab. He suggested a “safe” project and a “pie in the sky” project. I really appreciated his flexibility and willingness to have me choose projects and questions that I cared about, while also offering his guidance and steering me in better directions. After I pored over his grants and (then still in press papers), I came up with 2 ideas and presented my experimental design to the lab. Next, I got to work! During this time I received funding from a T32 program within the Psychiatry at Pitt, which would cover my stipend until I was able to secure my own funding (more on this in Fall 2015). 

Work was interrupted for a couple of days in May that I took off to attend my graduation in NYC. My parents and one of my brothers were able to fly in from Puerto Rico and I was really pleased. I am the only (and first!) PhD in either side of the family so I could tell that this was a big deal to them and that they were really proud of me. Obviously, this made me feel proud of myself :D

Here is a pic of me on graduation day:

After I came back, it was time to get down to business. My first cohort of “real animals” was ready for all the single unit dopamine (DA) neuron recordings I had to do. Even though I had only been doing this technique for ~2 months, I managed to get some interesting preliminary data that my PI was enthusiastic about, he suggested I write an F32 (NIH postdoctoral fellowship grant). For the August deadline, meep! Most of June and July was spent working around the clock to not only gather and analyze the data, but also write the proposal. IT WAS INSANE. During this time, I also traveled to San Sebastián in the Basque Country (within Spain) for the International Society for Developmental Psychobiology (ISDP) meeting. It was my first time out of the country since 2013 and it was quite exciting because I was awarded their dissertation prize! I was only there for 4-5 days but I managed to hang out with my PhD advisor and conference buddies, gave a talk on my dissertation research, meet some pretty cool people from all over,  take in some breathtaking views, eat pintxos, and go to the beach. I guess you could call this my “vacation” over the summer. Finally, the last exciting thing to happen over the summer was that I received an invitation from the American College of Neuropsychopharmacology (ACNP) to attend their annual meeting in December (more on this below). 

Fall/Winter 2015

After submitting my grant, I continued to perform experiments related to my F32 proposal project. I also started generating animals for another project in which I would look at the effects of chronic mild stress (i.e. depression model) in a neurodevelopmental model of schizophrenia-like deficits. I also got the grant score for my initial submission, which I knew was not within funding range so that meant resubmission in the spring. What can you do? During this semester I participated in the weekly career and research development (CARD) seminar, which is oriented towards helping postdocs gain the skills necessary for transitioning into an independent research position. This was required for me to get the T32 $$$, but I would strongly advise anyone who has access to these types of programs to attend! Topics covered included but were not limited to: how to negotiate, conflict management, how to prepare a job talk, authorship, mock K review process, etc... There is also a writing block portion of the seminar in which participants are divided into topic specific mini groups and get feedback from at least 2 other faculty on a weekly basis before grant submission. Besides being able to cultivate a positive and professional relationship with my T32 director, I’d say that the CARD seminar was the best thing about participating in this T32 program. 

In terms of travel and meetings, I attended the SfN 2015 conference in Chicago and I’ve got to say that my experience there was so positive it even made me change my mind about Chicago!!! It was the first time I was attending this meeting without having a poster so I focused on trying to meet the dopamine/electrophysiology folks and attending all the socials I could fit in :D Right after SfN, I went to NYC to visit some friends still in grad school over Thanksgiving. I cannot stress how important it is to keep in touch with your friends and make time for them. Anyhow, I got back and then it was time to fly down to Florida for the ACNP meeting. This was my first official presentation as a PD so I was really nervous (also presenting a new technique, new project, new everything!) but my boss was really supportive and the people that came by my poster were kind, insightful and encouraging. The location is also superb and the science top notch, I think this has dethroned Gordon Amygdala as my favorite meeting (most of those people were here anyway!) and I will definitely keep applying for that travel award for as long as I have to. After ACNP I flew home for Christmas and got an invitation from my advisor to co-author a review paper w/ another PD in the lab. This paper has been published already and can be found here. 

Spring 2016

I basically spent the spring working on additional experiments for my main project that I thought were necessary after presenting at ACNP and getting feedback (i.e. extra controls, increasing n, diff stats, etc...). This was a good thing because I also used some of that data for my F32 resubmission, which was due in April. As I wrote that sentence I remembered that this time was particularly busy for me in the lab as the cohort of animals for my other project (MAM-CMS) was born and I was running 2 behaviors + recording all of these animals (8 group total). It was so crazy busy (yet productive) that I swore to myself never to schedule that many experiments for the same couple of months ever again. 

Summer 2016

I presented a new and improved version of my main project poster at the Society for Biological Psychiatry in Atlanta. This was very cool because I had never been there (omg the aquarium!) and I got to reconnect with a lot of people I had met during my PhD but had not seen since the start of my PD. Apparently they really like this meeting and it is one of their go-tos. One of these people was my PhD advisor, whom I worked with on trying to wrap up and expedite my remaining PhD papers. Another person was another female minority graduate student that I knew during my PhD at NYU. It was great catching up with her and hearing about all the great science she will be doing in her PD lab and how the transition was for her. I remembered thinking that there are many paths that can lead to the same outcome, and feeling at peace. 2 interpersonal crises later, I received the score for my F32 resubmission and it was so good I A) almost fell off my chair and B) started crying (like, really). If you’re anything like me, you probably already know that you cannot have it all. It always feels like either I’m great in my personal life and so so at work or I’m killing it at work and everything else has gone to shit. To me, the score meant funding was pretty much a given, so it tipped the scales back to the killing it at work scenario and I settled for being happy with that and harnessing what was left of my happiness into that new positive direction. You can read about my F32 project here. I spent the rest of the summer celebrating my birthday, good fortune and prepping my first PD paper for submission. Also, I GOT A CAR! For the first time in nearly 7 years since I did my PhD in Manhattan and lol cars in NYC. 

Fall 2016

Remember that slump I mentioned I was in at the beginning of the summer? I decided to get over it by taking a solo trip to Thailand :] That is a post in itself (which will likely not end up here) but it was truly a once in a lifetime trip. I liked that it was hard (+16 hours to get there), new (first time ever in Asia) and was something totally out of my comfort zone. I met people from all over the US, rode elephants, visited UNESCO world heritage sites, learned about Buddhism, bar-hopped in Khao San Road and the red light district, shipped in a professional masseuse from the temples for a full body massage, ate weird food, etc. etc. Some of these pics can be found my scrolling down in my IG.  I feel like everyone should do something like that for themselves, at least every once in a while. I also learned that culture shock is funny because it can happen once you get back from your trip. I had a soft meltdown upon arriving at JFK and spent my first night back talking to a friend/processing everything I had witnessed. Can’t wait to go back and this time make it to Krabi or Phuket! 

During this semester, I also submitted my initial paper for my main project and added experiments to my secondary project. In more exciting news, I published a first author PhD paper on the effects of early life stress on social behavior and neural activity in cortical and limbic areas. You can read it here. I also got a travel award to present this work at the Society for Social Neuroscience in San Diego jus prior to SfN 2016, where I presented my first SfN poster as a PD. I was overwhelmed by the positive response and I got to do a podcast w/ Deb Budding from Neurocurious. Even though I was dead tired and delirious from my poster session being immediately before, it was SO MUCH FUN <3 I just checked and its still not up but will link it here when its available! SfN 2016 was followed by ACNP 2016 (first time presenting my MAM/CMS data, now DEFINITELY my favorite meeting), although I flew down to Florida early so I could make it to Art Basel (basically a conference, but for art!). I had such a great time that I almost forgot that my paper was rejected :( When I got back to Pitt, I focused on collecting data for the last experiments in yet another (small) project (that I have not mentioned previously yet). Then I went off to Puerto Rico to spend NYE w/ my family and friends :D

Winter 2016-2017 (aka where am I now)

I published another PhD paper. This one is a co-first paper and I’m really proud of it because it represents an effort by our group to incorporate techniques used in humans to facilitate translation of findings between animal models and humans. 

I revised and resubmitted my previously rejected paper. System says it’s still under review so we’ll see what happens... 

I submitted a grant based on an idea I had last fall that ties in nicely with my current work (pitched the idea to advisor at SfN 2016, luckily he agrees it is interesting/worth the shot).

Collected prelim data for above-mentioned grant.

Organizing the outline for a review I want to write that’s related to my grant. A colleague/mentor gave me the idea to do this since it’s a good chance to get a publication of all that lit search you did anyway! 

Put in 2 travel award applications (1 no, 1 still waiting) to present my work 

Nearly done collecting data for that random project 3 that slipped my mind for most of this post. I think this is because it’s not my main project and its a follow-up of someone else’s project. Presented this data at lab meeting and got some feedback about graphing/analyzing data. Working on this and aiming to submit by early summer. 

Traveling to Boston in 2 weeks to present in the Poverty and the Brain symposium at the Eastern Psychological Association meeting

Accepted a position as an ad hoc member of ACNP’s minority task force in order to help increase the participation of underrepresented minorities (URMs) in the college and to help retain them

Accepted a position as Review Editor in the Editorial Board of Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience 

WHEW. I finally got it all out. There you have it, what I’ve been up to since starting my postdoc and why I haven’t been more active on Twitter/here. Hopefully it goes someways in attenuating my I-should-be-posting-more-guilt :P 

Also, please feel free to write if you have any questions about PD life, the grad to PD transition or anything else you have read about here : ) In case you didn’t know, I started this blog as a grad student who DID NOT think they were going to make it in academia so the fact that this blog is still alive and so many of you still follow it/engage motivates me to keep it going for as long as I can. Maybe one day I’ll have a job and can look back at everything that led to that there. That’s the dream. Until next time! 

xoxo

Dr. M

[revel80r]

On the turning of Scyther88

I met my best friend when I was five years old. at the Akron Chinese Christian Church. On this blog, I call him Scyther88. Scyther, myself, and another guy, let’s call him ‘Mango’, have been the three musketeers for most of my childhood. We’d only see each other on sundays, and sometimes a friday, or saturday here or there, because our families all lived in different areas of Akron and we went to different schools during the week. But oh, the bliss of those sundays together with those two idiots. At church on sundays, we hung out together, we got in trouble together, bullied and picked on other smaller kids together, and all the joys of 90′s boyhood ...together. We definitely had our different personalities too. Mango was the oldest (by 8 days). He was always domineering, manipulative, and was kind of our de-facto “leader” of the little gang. Scyther was always the lancer to Mango’s alpha. He always challenged him, had more of a streak of irony and sarcasm than Mango. He was cool. And then there’s me. I was younger than both of them by about a year. I was the little 3rd fiddle. I just played loyal and loved being with these two guys... complicit in all our stupid sins as a bunch of kids.

We got really, crazy into Pokemon, and bonded over it. To this day, Scyther’s email, gamername, username on most platforms has always been “Scyther88″ or some form of it. Mango’s moved on from his “Jolteon88″ or whatever it was. I was an ‘89 baby so I’m not even cool. Now I’m just reVelstΛr. I remember I was the first to get pokemon cards. Mango and I were at some Chinese church camp, and we both got one card each, he got a machop and I got a charmander. Later, a couple weeks later, I got the old blue Pokemon card starter deck. And I became the cool boy. Mango and Scyther both got rival (and better) decks pretty soon afterwards and the 90′s head fever of pokemon collecting materialism had bitten us, and our parent’s wallets hard. We fought, we argued over rules and technicalities, (the best that 4th graders could anyway), etc. But we were buddies and knew that. Even though we didn’t go to the same schools in Akron, we’d go to each other’s birthday parties, play N64 together, etc. It was the good ol’ days. The best and worst part of it was, the Chinese church met in this very large mega-church building in Akron. Very extensive facilities. And us boys had the inside of the church fully explored and mapped out. We knew the place very well. So on sunday we knew there would be the inevitable time our parents had finished socializing and decided it was time to go home, and do other things. And so, purposefully, to milk every sweet moment of pokemon-card battling that we possibly could, we would hide in nooks, crannies, upper rooms, balconies, anywhere we could find and hide in, to hide away from our parents so we could spend more precious moments pokemon-carding away. Our parents had to send out search parties and scour the buildings for us little brats. hahaa. We’re guilty of many white hairs on one of the assistant pastors. 

Reality hits hard. Mango’s family moved away to Asia at the end of 5th grade, and we would not see each other for a very long time. Scyther’s life hit a very rough patch when his dad’s brother passed away. Scyther’s father got angry and blamed Jesus for the passing of his brother. He full turned away from the faith, and forbid Scyther’s mother and Scyther from going to church anymore. I was young and not aware of such heavy things. but I did remember my two best friends no longer being at church, and I was suddenly a lone little guppy in the church youth group. The youngest, least mature, and most annoying, by many grade levels, to the rest of the church youth group.

I saw Mango once, in 8th or 9th grade when his family stopped by Akron for a visit, and the next time I saw him was in college.

Scyther and his mother would occasionally come to church over the years. Scyther’s father was vehemently against God, but Scyther’s mother was all the stronger in the faith in Jesus. And so they’d sneak to church whenever she can over the years to come. And blessings for me, my friendship with Scyther was intact and I got to have a middle school and high school life with my best friend from time to time, talking to him about video games, stupid jokes, girls, and all other kinds of bad things.

Scyther and I even went on a mission trip together in 2006 to Beijing, China.

In the fall of 2007, all three of us idiot musketeers went to the Ohio $tate University as freshman, Mango, Scyther, and my darned self.

I got in contact with Mango the weeks before commencement, and hung out with him the first day on campus. We both got involved with InterVarsity Christian Fellowship and that ended up being our primary community on campus for the next 4-5 years (or on my case, [one of my] primary communities). Scyther and Mango were no longer buddies, no longer close. Mango’s become a popular, social kid. Scyther and I are outcast, and fringe people. I was not aware of this at the time, but Scyther had a very rough middle school and high school life, being rejected and picked on by his white peers, because he is one of only two or three Asians in his entire schools. White people. Y’all messed up. Need to get help. I was not aware, that this messed up my best friend on the inside, as he has a cynical, vengeful, vindictive streak hidden that I either missed or chose to ignore. He became ambitious and focused. So that, one day he will be at the top of the heap, looking down on everyone else who was cruel and had mistreated him in the past. And Scyther will know who had one in the end. That was his plan anyway.

Scyther was driven, ambitious, and disliked people. Mango was popular, responsible, and worked around people. I was a desperate loser junkie who would give up anything to be with people or video-games. 

Guess which one of us dropped out of Ohio State, heheh.

And so Scyther did not like InterVarsity after attending one time, and picked up on the community’s unfortunate clique-y tendencies. decided he was not going to put up with that bovine stool, and chose to attend a Korean church instead. Meanwhile Mango and I became career InterVarsity attenders, becoming leaders in different chapters of IV. Mango got a lot farther along than I did, in leadership and socially, and so it went on.

I am kind of sad to admit that I picked up on signs that Scyther had given up on Jesus very late. He had stopped attending his Korean church, and I simply assumed it was because of the busyness of his schedule, as I had missed many church sessions, although that may have more to do with irresponsibility, though like many college students, I liked to chalk that up to “busyness”. And being roommates with Scyther, we would have bitter arguments from time to time. One time I got so angry, I threatened to murder him, and the dorm manager had to have me stay at a friend’s place overnight that time because of the difficulties in our dorm room. After a year of college I began to realize that Scyther no longer believed or followed Jesus. I was not even aware of my own shallowness and the brokenness in my own pursuit of Jesus, but all I knew was I felt InterVarsity was doing the right thing to me, and I seemingly couldn’t do anything to convince stubborn old Scyther to come back to either InterVarsity or church.

In Scyther’s mind, he realized that being in college, he could do whatever he wanted and was no longer forced to go to church by his mother. He could make his own choices now. And so he decided to not go. And his pains from his past, cynicism and disdain for people, including Christians, took over, and he lost faith in people, community, and Christ. He admitted to himself in not believing or seeing proof of God’s existence. and became atheist.

During all of this, Scyther’s mother remained the strong, strong prayer warrior Christian she has always been. Praying every day for the salvation of her family, urgently imploring God to bring Scyther back to faith. She prayed, and prayed, and prayed.

For many years after that, we had an understanding that InterVarsity and Jesus were just me and my ‘God thing’. but Scyther saw no evidenc, proof, or need for him. There was no way to work around his buttheadedness. Plus, Scyther’s got lots of crap on me, my deepest darkest secret, etc. So it’s not like I’ve been a particularly good, effective, or pure example of a Christian to him. And that was that. There was not much of a productive conversation beyond that.

Scyther graduated from Ohio $tate, and got into grad school in a virology PhD program at Cornell University, while I got academically dismissed, and dropped into crippling depression... Mango graduated and went on to teaching or something like that. There was a drop of contact for awhile.

Over the years from 2011-2016 Scyther and I would skype and hangout online from time to time. sometimes more frequently, chatting and playing vieogames together online every night. Other times we’d go through months of hiatuses from online contact. I visited him at Cornell University in Ithaca. That was a special night as by the grace of the Lord, I got a chance to talk with Scyther about why I believed in God, why I believed in Jesus, and how experienced him. A deeper conversation than the typical StarCraft and World of WarCraft talk we had. In the end, Scyther still saw no evidence, proof, or need for God and I had to just agree to disagree... It’s good. I love him. I love this guy. He is my best friend. He was there with me through much of my shit and depression. Especially that worst period in 2013. 

This year in 2016, I took a very, very long hiatus from video games and much social media. Worked through some of the toughest semesters I had at Capital University, which God has provided for me after scraping and mopping up my mistakes through sweat, blood, and tears at Columbus State Community College... And so 2016 was a banner year for me. Most excellent. I got to go on not one, but two missions trips, one to Mozambique, and one to Taiwan. and after all that crazy goodness, I was brought into church staffship, and finished college in december, finally earning that accursed, elusive piece of paper...

Meanwhile, Scyther was told to wrap up his research, do a dissertation and defense, and finish his graduate school studies. And he did so. And now we all tease him and call him Dr. Scyther. What should have been a joyful, celebratory time, became a disappointment for Scyther, as life after attaining doctorhood was no different from life before. He did not feel any redemption, release, or beams of purpose. Only the emptiness. And so, with his emotions crashing. Scyther realized the truth of life is meaningless. There is no rhyme, or reason. Why spend so much effort building, only for someone else to enjoy the fruits of his labor? What was worth it? We all die and go to the same place, and life is meaningless. He spiraled into depression and decided to kill himself. and with the many years of laboratory experience, he knew exactly what he needed to do to kill himself. He planned it out, wrote apology letters to his mother, wrote one for me, and only found that..... he could not do it. The fear is too much. He is afraid of pain, and confronted with the fact that he did not know what happens to him after he does it. And so, THANK GOD, my best friend Scyther did not kill himself. During this time I was completely unaware that my Scyther was going through so much... Lesson and word of advice... check on your friends, keep in contact with them, ever after you sign off or swear off from social media.. check on your friends. Because honestly, depression and suicidal resolve can come quite swiftly....

Scyther did not kill himself. Thank God he chickened out. One thought reached out to him, The Timothy Keller book he bought out of curiosity on a whim a while ago: “The Reason for God” It is an apologetics book laying out philosophical, experiential, theological arguments fro the experience of God. Very good. Scyther read through it.

One day, in November of 2016, after a conversation with his mother, Scyther felt truth in his mind, that maybe, just maaaybe, God really is real. And that very night he had a terrifying demonic nightmare, as if he was being dragged down to hell itself. Sleep paralysis, the sciences call it. A couple nights later he had another sleep paralysis attack, this time seeing an angry face. He looked it up online and discovered sleep paralysis. And happening so suddenly and coincidally with his openness to the existence of God, a higher being..... He called me and asked about it. Being intrigued, I opened up a little about my own demonic experiences, and assured him that the name of Jesus has power. Jesus has power. Pray, invoke the name of Jesus, and the enemy will flee in every direction from you... We talked for a little while, I mentioned being at the church I was at, and how I was going to a big conference called One Thing in Kansas City that december.

A couple days later, my cell phone broke and I had to switch phones, missing a couple texts and calls in the process; several of these texts were from Scyther, inquiring about this conference, One Thing, and whether IHOP-KC was a cult.

By the time I got in contact with him a couple days after that, Scyther had already figured out the answers to his questions himself. And he was thinking about going. When I talked to him again, Scyther simply told me, unflinchingly, that “God is real. God is totally real. Acts chapter 9. That is all I can say, man.” I really was on the verge of tears, hearing my childhood and best friend, of 22+ years say to me over the phone that God is real, after he had abandoned the Lord and lived as an atheist for about a decade.

And just last month, in December, Scyther joined me and my church going to IHOP’s One Thing conference. It was a beautiful thing to see. His heart was being opened and his character was already different. He had a passion and a zeal for the Lord that I have not seen before. It was amazing. His heart was being opened, and he was being softened to people. My best friend, who in the past hated pretty much every single human being except for his 5-6 friends and family... is now an open, sociable, empathetic heart. I cannot make this up. Jesus is sooooo good and I am so thankful. God’s even opened up Scyther’s mind to the possibilities of prophecy, healing, and miraculous prayer. Things that were strongholds to Scyther’s mind and heart were being unlocked and opened and it is a beautiful, beautiful, redemptive thing to see.

Nowadays, Scyther comes to my church in Columbus, and we are growing, Scyther is growing so, so fast, we are all growing towards the Lord, we are growing together.

I cannot be happier with life.

[davidlmarion1]

The Advantages of Jmu Sports Management

JMU’s plan to increase customer experience, upgrade infrastructure and boost service offerings may not be well received. You wish to see continued growth. The greatest factor here is the time that it takes to finish the dissertation PhD candidates are requested to finish. However, there are a couple of slight differences.

The 0898 lines are like 900 telephone lines in the usa. It’s very competitive on either side. That may seem to be a little edge for Vanguard. You don’t need to get too near the sterile field.

JMU might not have the ability to implement all its strategic plans as expected. JMU offers majors in a wide selection of academic disciplines. The specifics though will be contingent on the circumstances in your schedule along with how frequently the school offers classes. I am hoping this list gives a glimpse into the remarkable universities and colleges in the area. I believe we would like to continue to provide a small number of guys reps back there. You’ve got to fight and scratch for each rep, for every single play. It was cool t be part of it.

Besides making sure any school you decide on is regionally accredited by one of the six regional associations, in addition, there are program particular accreditations you might want to look at. Bear in mind that every school differs. He had a fairly solid first calendar year. Among the courses he took at the beginning allowed to visit the operating room and watch various associated surgeries performed. This indicates you are going to be in a position to discover programs both more affordable and more costly than the average.

Bear in mind, professional sports organizations aren’t your only prospect. However, it gives us an opportunity to work different things too. He’s just at an excellent spot at this time. That position receives a lot of focus. That’s a fairly great job in my mind. Additionally, my work with a neighborhood startup has given me the chance to travel all over the area meeting an abundance of individuals, lots of whom attended school in the Southeast. I believe he’s been doing a superb job pretty much each day.

With the pace of a sport like soccer, it is quite tough for a single person alone in order to provide the game their entire attention while attempting to capture stats, send tweets, track subs, and far more. Manning may be studying the 69 on Jones’ back for a couple more weeks. It’s a difficult point to stand there when a youthful man walks into his office and after you set your hand out, he starts crying. In years past you’ve experimented with unique guys at fullback. So, yeah, you would like them in there. Justin’s been anticipating this all week, Jones stated. He is going to miss some time, he has a knee sprain, McAdoo said.

For our team to acquire better, players have to produce steps and earn progress. In our case, you own a veteran player to cooperate with it. You’ve got to prove what you could do on every play. And we would like to understand how you believe the game will turn out. It ought to be a good game. I believe he’s got very good bodily skills. He’s demonstrated outstanding ability for a kick returner, Coughlin stated.

from David L Marion https://davidlmarion1.wordpress.com/2018/12/06/the-advantages-of-jmu-sports-management/

[billyb]

Getting on With The Yoga

“Yoga is about “I am willing to change myself.” This is not about wanting to change the world -- you are willing to change. Only when you are willing to change, a change can really happen in this world. But when you say, “I want everybody else to change,” only conflict will occur. Only when you are willing to change, there will be transformation. It is this self-transformation that will lead to true well-being for the individual and the society. This is a true revolution.”

- Sadhguru

So I’ve been practicing yoga roughly 3.5 hours a day over the last week. Practice is split on both sides of the day. When I’m not practicing yoga, I’m meditating which is basically focusing my awareness on the present moment without judgment. That means, eating more slowly than I usually do, and noticing my impulses to pick up the phone or opening up the fridge or a browser for no obvious reason other than habit.

The setup here in Gokalum, the neighborhood I’m staying in in Mysore, makes concentrating on yoga and meditation practice simple and enjoyable. The main road is a five minute walk away, laundry is just one flight of stairs up at the top of the building and the shala I’m studying at is a 10 minute bicycle ride away.

A productive week this has been. I found my guys. A fruit guy, a tailor, coconut seller and a healthy food restaurant that I visit everyday. My body is slowly adapting to the routine of waking up at 5am and biking to the shala around 630am. It’s cool in the mornings (low 70sF) with little traffic on the road, so the ride to class in the mornings is a genuine highlight of the day. Bharaht starts class sharply at 730am, but students usually arrive at least 15 minutes early to do breathing exercises as a warm up. One day this week, I arrived at the front door of the studio at 7:29, but was denied access. The door was locked and I didn’t want to trespass on the sign that says, “Do not knock. Respect the silence.”Bharath starts class when he’s ready to begin and that is that. I rode back home to practice the Preparatory Series on my own. Like most things, yoga is definitely not as intense when done alone.

Usually, by 530pm, after the second session of the day, I’m pretty tired and feel like I’ve done enough for the day, so I head back for a shower then walk over to the main road where I grab a bite at Depth N’ Green. It's my favorite healthy restaurant for a veg thali or smoothie. I retire around 7pm. The schedule may sound boring but I’m not bored. I find learning yoga to be challenging and interesting and the pace of the daily routine provides a nice structure for learning.

There’s no class on Sundays. I was invited to go on a bike ride with a group of riders at Cyclopedia, a local shop that did some work on my bike, but declined as I didn’t want the pressure of having to get up at 5am to start cycling at 6am, with a bunch of young people whose pace would force me to push my own limits on the rest day.

 Here are highlights from the week:

I realize that the only force or pressure in this experience is coming from within me. And yet, I notice that the force and pressure I bring to things. It is still difficult to continue something you suck at it. But the point of the practice is to cleanse and harmonize body, mind and breath, so my job is to just breathe and work on the movements and be with the sucking feeling, knowing that over time I will suck less.

Practicing asanas helps me see how rigid my body is. Sitting at a desk 8-12 hours a day since I’m 19 y/o has played a part. A less obvious thing I’ve noticed is that I never really use my trunk or breathe from my belly. The new territory -- I’m discovering through the bends and movements in this practice, all of the muscles of the trunk, are more stiff and rigid than the rest of the system.

I’ve never taken a dance class or ever paid much attention to movement during sports, so following very technical instructions on the mat can be challenging. I notice how foreign this all is to me when given instructions about the sequence of steps I’m to take to complete an asana.

I’m unable to make my legs straight in any position which seems to puzzle Meeta (the Assistant Teacher). She says, “Make this leg straight.” I respond that it’s as straight as it can go. She looks at me like I’m a foreign whale, then very subtly hisses at me without making eye contact, and walks away as if to say that I’m not dedicated enough.

I’m noticing a subtle shift in my relationship to food. I want to eat less, and then I actually eat less because of the edge it provides me in moving through the sequence of asanas in the afternoon. I’ve read about the benefits of restricting calories in many places, but never experienced the benefits so directly. Practicing yoga helps me stop eating when I feel 70% full at lunch.

Pairing the rigid structure of Bharath’s yoga where every movement in the series is intimately tied with a breathing movement and nothing is left to chance, with my emergent approach to what’s next for me  with work feels complementary and solid.

In the morning I notice the new day with greater clarity, even if it feels familiar. Birds chirp. Rickshaws beep. I turn a rickety fan on and the whirling provides the soundscape for a new day to begin.

Yesterday morning (Day 6) was the first time I went into class without a bundle of nerves. I've gone through the routine enough times where I now have a basic sense of how things work. I still use my manual to proceed through the sequences, but I’m less anxious about receiving stern adjustments that Meeta makes on my form during class (The master, Bharaht's adjustments are more gentle and encouraging).

I found a quote I want to return to until it becomes part of who I am, so I’m sharing with you to remind myself to keep committing to the words.

“When one experiences truth, the madness of finding fault with others disappears.” -S.N.Goenka.

Meditating deeply about the inevitable demise of mind and body. Inching closer and closer to the sad fact that we all end up as bones, teeth and hair one day helps me wake up to everything that is perfectly right with this moment.

Remembering and getting more clear about a healthy, practical and efficient way to think about agency in the world. My focus is on tending to and creating the conditions for my life to continue blooming (The inputs -- my intentions and what I do moment-to-moment and day-to-day, versus focusing on a fantasy set of outcomes that I can't control).

People. There’s an unspoken rule in the yoga scene here, very similar to mindfulness culture that suggests that this is not a whee! kind of community. When you arrive at the shala, proceed in silence and develop concentration with your practice. Unlike at a mindfulness/meditation retreat, you are allowed to look at other people in the eyes, but the unspoken expectation is that you acknowledge others with a smile and nod and then get to work.

I’ve met some nice people:

A late 20-something from Syria. He is in a Phd program at the University of Mysore studying India’s debt crisis. I was unlocking my bike in front of the Deep N’ Green restaurant and we struck up a conversation and ended up talking for two hours about his Phd program, Sam Harris, Jordan Peterson and a bunch of other related things.

A guy from Australia who is not what you might think. Thin with big red beard and balding. I heard he spent a few weeks in Dharamashala recently, meditating with monks. He has been practicing yoga for 8 years and told me that Bharaht is the first teacher that really resonates with him. He says that I’m lucky to have found someone like Bharath at my first attempt to really learn yoga. We speak for a little while when passing at Depth N’ Green. When he’s surrounded by a small entourage of yoga people who seem to know each other from class or otherwise, I don’t stop to talk, I just smile at him.

I really like a guy named Pushpir, a Delhi native in Mysuru by way of Boston and New York. His cafe, Depth N’ Green is the spot on the main drag for healthy food and is welcoming to locals and yogis in training alike. He lived in Hicksville, NY for sometime. He calls Long Island “Wrong Island” which I thought was very clever, and new for me. He is a big man with great energy. He pulled out his driver’s license to prove that he lived there. He’s a sikh and complains that he doesn’t have any time for yoga because he’s always working or taking care of the kids. I suggested that he might take the 530am class with Bharath. He coolly pulled at the perimeter of his beard and pointed to his headwrap. He said, “I’m a sikh, dude. It takes nearly an hour to put this thing together in the morning. I wouldn’t make it to the restaurant in time if I went to the 530am class!” I told him I never knew and dropped the subject.

I appreciate that the people closest to me who are giving me the space I need to be present here for a month without nagging or complaining. Even when Thanksgiving happened this week and I didn’t call.

The quality of the time so far feels like the second phase of rehabilitation after my ACL knee surgery last November. Meeta and Bharaht have been very communicative with me to ensure I don't push my knee beyond what it can do.

I’m thrilled to be experiencing Mysore in the off-season and/or before it becomes too popular. The vibe of the place is relaxed and very normal/local and not manufactured. Even if there are a number of different yoga shalas around the neighborhood, the scene here feels like an Indian city that also has a number of yoga studios. It is primarily buzzing with locals doing there thing, with a sprinkling of a diverse group of international travelers here for the yoga.  

The yoga regiment here reminds me that I thrive on regular and uncompromising routines. Class six days a week at 7am and 4pm works for me, even if I’m tired and dread going sometimes. After 15 minutes in class, I’m good to go.

[2centsofsilver]

12/18/17 Email to Amy 7pm Klonopin .5

Hi Amy, I am emailing to request a 2nd session this week because things are really bad right now and I feel I need extra help this week. Before seeing you tomorrow, I’m hoping it’s ok I email you. This entire weekend was really bad and I’m so overwhelmed with terrible emotion that I just don’t know what to do with myself. I am constantly going in and out of hysterical crying spells and panic attacks where my body shakes/convulses and I can’t stop crying. The physical sensations in my body during these times is so overwhelming that it feels like immediate action is necessary and that I’m in an emergency episodic state of disaster. I’ve been giving this lots of thought and feel it aligns with what you refer to as somatic body reactions to trauma. There is so much going on right now contributing to all of this: -Peak PMDD time when most severe anxiety occurs -Really severe Seasonal Affective Disorder which I’m deeming worse than most years (in my personal writing I refer to the depression as feeling like “frozen dead ice” -Onset of Klonopin Withdrawal: Dr. Stern constructed a plan entailing I gradually wean down for the next 3 months. I saw her around Thanksgiving and that’s when we planned this, but I haven’t started yet, given the circumstances of what’s been going on with friends, I didn’t feel the time was right yet. But I began weaning down yesterday. It includes 1 month of alternating between .5 and .25 mg every other day. The next month is .25 every day. And the last month is .25 every other day. -This klonopin withdrawal is yielding the most severe anxiety and it’s only been 2 days -What’s going on with my friends is causing the most trauma for me right now. It’s been going on for 1 month, but getting worse and worse, day to day, minute to minute, to the point where I don’t know what to do with myself and feel literally on the edge of a nervous breakdown. I went to graduation on Sunday with some of me and Max’s mutual friends and watched Max graduate, along with some other friends. This triggered a lot for me. I saw Savannah. I congratulated Max who said hi to me and thank you. -I feel generally disliked by these mutual friends (Brendon, Erica, Anna) and unwelcome among their group. I think if they took the time to get to know me they’d realize I am actually a really cool person and funny, and we could all have a good time - Everyone is having Christmas/holiday parties and I know I’m not being invited to them -I can tell I’m being lied to by Brendon -I am constantly imagining what everyone’s doing right now, what they’re thinking, if they miss me, if they’re coming back -I’ve always believed I have this power where I can feel other people’s energy and the momentum of this energy is extremely intense. It has to do with being a spiritual empath. But I convinced myself years ago that I have the ability to communicate through energy with people in efforts of getting them to come back to me, especially in dreams. It’s complicated and sounds crazy, but we should talk about it at some point in a future session. -I hate myself for how disorganized this email is. My mind is just racing and I’m trying to handle the emotions my body is going through. At what point do you feel a person is “bad enough” to take themselves to the psych hospital? Do you feel that person is me and if so, what do you think they’d be able to do for me? I go through these episodes where I feel so “on edge” that I just need to FLEE. I go frozen and want to die because I don’t have any other way out besides driving really far away and not coming back, but I would just be bringing all my internal issues with me. The “flashbacks” as you call them are happening so regularly, that I’m in them literally all the time. Every second of every day I’m thinking about my friends Gabe and Savannah, feeling like they must be on the verge of contacting me, but they never do. I’ve been so extraordinarily exhausted the last few weeks that all I do is sleep. I’ve been trying to immerse myself in art and I signed up for a ceramics class for January. I’m trying to distract myself, but I feel so out of control in “emergency-level-panic” that my impulse is to reach out to people. I feel I have done a good job of not resorting back to my old ways of contacting people repeatedly until I scare them away. I feel I’ve learned so much about respecting space and boundaries that I am doing a really good job. But when I force myself to not contact ANYONE at all, it’s like I’m bursting at the seams. I have to talk to someone. So I reach out to people like Brendon, Alyssa, Rachel, Logan, other people I have here in this town in desperate attempts to have someone to talk to and not feel so isolated. They almost always respond, but then I remember I can’t go overboard. I feel restricted/forced not to share personal matters with friends anymore. Some of my friends know I’m currently struggling with this problem and will actually send me your way instead: “Maybe this is something you should consult with your therapist about. Maybe you need to go to the hospital. Try and practice self-care. You can’t keep thinking about these people and depending on others to make you happy” - and then I go back into somatic shock all over again because they just don’t get it. Since receiving the C-PTSD diagnosis (was it a “diagnosis?”) I have felt better, but also trapped and restricted because I’m able to watch everything I do and question whether all of my thoughts, patterns, and behaviors are products of the disorder and things someone with C-PTSD would do. As a result, I feel like I can’t talk to anyone when I’m in crisis or just in general. I feel like people don’t believe me that I’m a good person. I’m legitimately concerned about my ability to stay in Ann Arbor long-term for grad school and stay in the SSW program given I now have friends here who no longer want to be my friend. It’s too hard, embaressing, and agonizing. This was supposed to be a clean-slate time in my life. I don’t know if I have what it takes to wait until school in August and then see Savannah, someone who meant so much to me, all the time at the SSW, still potentially dating Max, who I’ve caught word may end up sticking around with her to pursue a PhD. I contacted Savannah today asking if we could schedule a time to meet before 12/23 (when I’m supposedly going home for Christmas). I haven’t heard anything back. My friend Shelby was supposed to see me before she moved to Nebraska today. I was supposed to buy her bed yesterday. It was all set up, but she never got a hold of me. It just reinforces the fact that no one here likes me or considers final goodbyes of prioritative value. I have plans with my friend Alyssa tomorrow who has offered emotional support which I need, but I am scared of my tendency to tell her too much. I don’t want to lose another friend, but I do see our friendship going somewhere. Rachel barely talks to me at all anymore, but I can’t stop envisioning the night I had with her. It’s a good memory and I try and keep myself sane by wallowing in the good memories. My friend from Grand Rapids who never  visits Ann Arbor, sent me a snapchat that she was in town today. I asked her if she wanted to hang out and she said she couldn’t. If she couldn’t hang out, then why even tell me she’s here?  Nobody wants me. My friend Erin recently got into 2 car crashes, but is doing much better she says, and we are supposed to hang out over break. Everyone I’m friends with at the SSW is important to me and Erin is one of the special ones. The hard part is a lot of people are going home for the holidays and I don’t know when they’re coming back so it feels like I have little windows of time to meet with people or talk with Savannah and Gabe. I want to try and arrange things with them while Max is home in Chicago, but then I remember Savannah is going to the U.P. for Christmas. So I’m just sitting over here straining my brain to guess when they might be able to get together. I’m working so hard inside my head and if people knew how much pain I’m in, they would come back I think. I don’t feel the string of mistakes I made with everyone is worth actually losing friends over. Certain things in Max’s email still bother me so much I feel I’m breaking. I don’t know what to do, but one thing I don’t understand, is how people keep telling me none of this is in my control. It’s 100% in my control. I’m willing to understand how it’s not, but I don’t know how I’ll ever get to a point where I realize and am okay with that. I’m mad at myself because this email feels like an unorganized blog entry and I’m a writer. It bothers me that Max felt like my letter was gaslighting when I’ve dedicated my whole life to being an author one day. I wrote that letter to them so conscientiously based off everything I’ve learned in therapy about not acting on emotion and staying respectful/neutral when dealing with lots of other people’s personal feelings. I wanted to email all this because I still really want to talk history tomorrow. The next part of my history beginning in 10th grade influenced my life so significantly going forward that I never fully recovered. It influenced my career choice and many of my passions in life. But it destroyed me from the inside out. I personally feel it was far more traumatizing than what was going on with my dad at the time, but the way my dad handled it didn’t help me. You asked for a timeline of events in my life, so I’m going to work on writing that up and either emailing it or having it in person tomorrow. Thanks for your support and see you tomorrow, Katie PS: Day 2 of Klonopin Withdrawal: .5 mg