#so from the beginning he tried to subtly show his disgust; which eventually became more obvious. but caspian noticed since the first time

[malkaviian]

thinking between drama between oc trios because i have been listening to a certain vocaloid saga (which i have no idea how it is called ngl)

[anime-academix]

Scars

Headcanon

Characters: Midoriya, Todoroki, Aizawa, Shigaraki, Dabi

Midoriya:

You know how hard he trains to become the number one hero and you’re his number one supporter!

But because of that, he usually ends up hurt as a result

You’ve lectured him several times that he needs to be more careful when training

He tries, he truly does, but he gets so into becoming stronger, a lot of the times he slips up

Whenever you’re made aware that he’s injured and in the infirmary, you almost always see a new scar forming on his body

Everytime he sees you, he can’t help but be ashamed of himself for getting himself hurt yet again

He gets kind of insecure of all the scars he’s accumulated over his time at UA already

It happens when you two are hanging out--after a major injury on his arm from the fight at the training camp--that you see the sleeve covering his right arm

You can’t help but trace the sleeve on his arm

He takes notice to where your eyes are and shifts uncomfortably, holding his arm with his opposite hand as he looks down

“Can I see it?” You question and he’s taken aback.

He hesitantly nods and lifts his arms up ever so slightly toward you.

Delicately, you pull off the sleeve only to reveal a huge scar, purple in colour, starting from the top of his shoulder to the bottom of his elbow

He will be on the verge of tears because he thinks his scars are ugly

You’ll put his hand in yours and plant kisses on the huge scar gently and work your way around to kiss the other scars on his arms

This boy will straight up start crying, which may even lead you to tear up a bit

You’ll ask him why he’s crying and attempt to wipe away a few of his tears

“My scars are so hideous...and I j-just have so many of them and--”

“Izu, listen to me. Sure, I don’t like the fact that you have scars because it’s a reminder of how much you get hurt. But that doesn’t mean they're hideous. They’re beautiful. Yeah, it’s a reminder of pain, but it’s an even bigger reminder of your strength and bravery. And I am so proud of how far you’ve come. I know I can’t heal them like Recovery Girl, but I will kiss every single one of them everyday if I have to. I love them and I love you.”

Hugs the life out of you while crying into your chest, repeatedly telling you how much he loves you

Todoroki:

Ever since you and Todoroki started dating, you knew he was insecure about the scar on his face

He’s only insecure about it because of the memory attached to the scar and it brings him great pain

You were the only person he could trust enough to talk about his past and this insecurity

Whenever the two of you are together, you can’t help but occasionally steal glances at it

You don't stare at it in disgust, it reminds you of the stories he’s told you of his past and you can’t help but feel a slight pain in your heart when you think of everything he’s gone through but also awe at how much strength and courage he has

He’s truly brilliant

He catches you staring at him

“What're you thinking about?”

He will immediately catch on that you’re looking at his scar and will subtly look away

“You...Shouto, will you look at me?”

He’s taken aback but hesitantly turns to you, exposing his scar again

“Can I touch it? Your scar?”

Doesn’t know how to respond to this unexpected question but nods his head slightly.

Trusts you with his whole entire heart

Your hand cups the side of his face as your thumb softly caresses the bottom of his scar

Instantly melts into your soft hand, finds comfort in your touch

Eventually you’ll find yourself sitting on his lap with his arms wrapped around you and your hand cupping his face

“You’re beautiful.”

A small smile appears on his lips as he looks up at you

“And your scar is beautiful” You added, pressing a soft kiss on his scar

The kiss will cause his cheeks to heat up which leads him to hug you tightly, his head against your chest.

“Thank you...I love you.”

“I love you too, Shouto.”

Aizawa:

It doesn’t bother him that much that he has an obvious scar under his right eye so he doesn’t think about it too much

He doesn’t think about it until he’s with you

But, it’s not a bad thing at all!

You’re a very affectionate person, especially when the two of you are alone

So when he comes home from doing hero work and/or teaching, he can almost always expect to come back to cuddles and kisses

It happens when the two of you are cuddling that you’re pressing kisses on him but stop when you get to his scar

Aizawa LOVES when you kiss his scar

No matter how many times you do, each time is always so special

You’ll trace his scar with the pads of your fingertips while his arms rest lazily around you

Your soft caresses are honestly enough to make him drowsy as his eyes close

You run your other hand through his long black hair, humming softly

A few soft kisses are placed on his scar

That’ll earn you a small smile from him as he opens his eyes

Will begin peppering soft kisses around your neck which will cause you to move your other hand and place it in his hair

He’ll remove his lips from your neck before passionately pressing them against your own lips

A hum of satisfaction will be heard from the two of you

You both adore these moments with each other. When the two of you are close, intimate, vulnerable but in each other’s arms. The moments where you both give and receive confirmation that you love and adore every single part of each other

Shigaraki:

Extremely shy when it comes to physical intimacy/affection

You're almost always the one to initiate it

Because you’re immune to his quirk, it’s a relief to him that he can touch you without having to worry about you turning into dust in his hands--that is WHEN he decides to be bold enough to touch you

Didn’t really care about his scars until you came into his life and he became self conscious about it

He honestly thought you’d think his scars were ugly so he would try to avoid moments of vulnerability with you

But you though the complete opposite

You can honestly see right through him

Happens when he gets severely injured after a failed mission that you have to patch him up

Kurogiri will bring him to your room where he’s in pretty bad shape

When it’s just the two of you, he’ll remove all of the hands from his body

Despite his injuries, he’s INSANELY nervous to be this vulnerable around you

No matter how many times you’ve seen him without the hands, he still gets anxious

Freaks out a little when you sit beside him to tend to his wounds

Becomes even more self conscious showing the scars on his face, especially the ones on his lips. He will shake his hair slightly to cover his face

At this point, you’re a little fed up with your own boyfriend avoiding you constantly

“Tenko…will you please look at me?”

The use of his real name will catch him COMPLETELY off guard 

Can’t help but turn to look at you, his head slightly tilted down

You’ll cup his face in your hands

“Will you stop hiding from me?”

“I have to...I need to.”

“No you don’t. Why are you saying that?”

“Because...I’m...not...I’m not attractive enough for you.”

“What? That’s bullshit. Why would you think that, my love? You’re beautiful, even more than that.”

Stares up at you, would honestly want to cry right then and there at your words

He was always so used to people calling him horrifying because of his skin and scars, therefore he became disinterested at what others thought of his looks because it was always the same. That is, until he met you

You’ll kiss the scar above and below his lips softly. You’ll brush the hair out of his face and place soft kisses on his cheek and below his eye

He didn’t mean for it to happen, but he’ll actually start crying. He will wrap his arms around your waist softly, moving his head to rest on your shoulder.

You'll wrap your arms around him, running your fingers through his hair softly as he sobs quietly

“Shh...I’m here. You’re safe.”

It was then he would know that no matter how many scars he had, you would love him and all of his imperfections

He would genuinely feel loved by you, a feeling he was not familiar with

Dabi:

I mean, Dabi’s scars are more than quite obvious (due to...A+ parenting, thank Endeavour!)

He honestly tries to act all tough, like his scars don’t bother him and pays no attention to it

Happens when he exits the bathroom from showering, shirtless and wearing a pair of sweatpants

He won’t say it aloud but you’ve observed that he’s more comfortable showing the entirety of his scars around you

You’ll wrap your arms around him from behind and begin kissing his scarred shoulder

Will genuinely think that you’re just being a little frisky, but that thought will be put to bed when you whisper that you think he’s beautiful

This will catch him entirely off guard

He’s never been called beautiful before

Turns around and looks down at you with soft eyes

“What are you talking about?” Will honestly try to laugh it off and pretend like it doesn’t mean everything to him that you just told him that

But you can read him almost too well so you know that actually has an affect on him

You’ll smile and gently cup the side of his face

You won’t say anything but kiss the scars on his face

He’ll roll his eyes, but you both know that he secretly loves your touches on his scars

[a-libra-writes]

How the Peaky Blinders React To Your Scars

So the original request was a reader having a large facial scar she covers up, I tried to make it a lil flexible/easier to cover up, very similar to my GoT scar preference? sure why not

In this preference, you'll be with: Tommy Shelby, Arthur Shelby, John Shelby, Ada Shelby, Polly Gray, Michael Gray, Alfie Solomons, Lizzie Stark, Isaiah Jesus, Luca Changretta, Aberama Gold

THOMAS SHELBY

To be blunt about it, you intrigued Tommy more than most women because you were still startlingly pretty, and you had such a peculiar, almost haunting look in your eyes that he couldn’t help but be drawn in. He’d find an excuse to talk to you, even if you tried to dodge his attempts at conversation for one reason or another. Tommy would never stare or address you differently, he’d seem the same to anyone who knew him, but internally he was very interested by the mystery of it all. 

He’d never ask you directly what happened, never. You’d have to volunteer that information, and he’d wait. However … as his affection grew, he’d grow protective even if you weren’t an item, and he’d begin to wonder if the person who did it was still alive, god help them. He’d become attached now, and anyone who stared or insulted you would be lucky to get off with just a harsh word. 

ARTHUR SHELBY 

You were used to people being startled when they looked at you, and Arthur was no different, so you brushed it off. Mr. Shelby worked with your boss, so you had to be polite. You just wish he’d stop staring whenever he came in to do business. The thing was,  Arthur began to overlook the scar and was getting flustered from how sweet and charming you were. That was more disarming. The misunderstanding continued until he was waiting in your boss’ shop and overheard some man quietly insulting you to his friend… That ended with your boss hastily cleaning blood and glass off the floor and you alone with Arthur, dabbing a cloth on his bloody knuckles. He sort of blurted out the best apology he had, fumbling over his words and basically confessing how pretty and sweet he found you.

When you’re dating, any thoughts about the scarring falls to the wayside, as it’s just a part of you. Only sometimes when you look a little forlorn as you touch your face does he wonder what happened, though he feels like he’d just screw up if he asked about it. You know he still finds you lovely no matter what, because it just takes a kiss and a smile to get him to blush.

JOHN SHELBY

John puts his foot in his mouth constantly, everyone knows that. When he first saw you walk into the betting office to get to work, he blurted, “Did she get cut or what?”. Ada hit him so swiftly he stumbled back in surprise. He’d never seen a woman with scars like that, and you were still pretty, he realized a few minutes later. He knew what he said was idiotic, but it still took a few days before he managed an apology to you, feeling like a fool the whole time. He was interested, though, so John would hang around and talk with you when you weren’t busy. He started to get quite a crush, and it bothered him to think what happened to you. He thought back to all the men he cut, and it filled him with anger and disgust to think of someone doing the same to you.

Later when you two were an item, anytime John recalled that first meeting he felt his soul cringing out of his body. He’ll still randomly apologize for it, and you remind him it’s been more than a year at that point. It would be best to tell John what happened, because he’d think of all these scenarios in his head and it’d drive him a little mad wondering which was true. You better believe he’d become unreasonable and think of revenge if the person who did it was still around. 

ADA SHELBY

Truthfully, Ada was drawn to you because she felt pity. It must have hurt so much, and being a woman, you must have been given a hard time, both before and after the ordeal … Well, you proved her wrong with how energetic and lively you were, not caring a bit about what people said. You didn’t even seem to notice it half the time. It made Ada think about how stupid and shallow her assumptions were… Also, it didn’t make you any less cute. She thought they were attractive, in an odd way, it only added to how interesting and different she found you. Her crush was hidden to no one who paid attention (which, granted, only Polly seemed to notice such things).

Ada wanted to befriend you right away, thinking she could keep that crush under control. Spoiler, she couldn’t. Whenever you show a more vulnerable side, worrying about how your scars look or remembering how you got them, Ada is quick to bring you close and give you plenty of kisses and reassurance. She’ll kiss your scarred side until there’s no question of her affection. 

POLLY GRAY

She didn’t need to see the scars on your face to know you’d been through a hard time, it was there in your posture and your eyes, but you kept on. You worked for the Shelbys and you worked damn hard, although she wished you wouldn’t keep your head down all the time. Polly wish you’d speak up for yourself and stand your ground, and although she didn’t want to mother hen you, that would end up happening. For some reason, she felt a connection with you, although often she wondered if that was silliness on her part. When it came to the story of your scars, she’d let you come to her. It’d happen on a stormy evening when you were seated with her by the fire, full of warm tea, and the story would just come out. 

You felt like you could tell her, and you could, Polly would take the secret seriously if you wanted it to be one. Still, she couldn’t help but think of who did it… If the person or group was still alive, still walking the streets of London, or hell - even Heath street - well … You wouldn’t tell, but she’d be silently struggling with what to do about it. After that, each time she’d look at your face, she’d get a nagging voice telling her to do something. Perhaps you didn’t want it, but perhaps you didn’t have to know.

MICHAEL GRAY

So, he’s a superficial young man, especially when it comes to women. He was disarmed by your appearance, even if he had to admit the rest of you was gorgeous. He knew it was an irrational feeling, but there it was. He didn’t want to get involved with a woman in the company, anyway. The thing was you were competent, and funny, and he relied on you more than once to get trickier deals done. Tommy trusted you as well, and it began to bother Michael when he noticed his cousin subtly flirting with you. It bothered him even more when someone commented on your looks - “Just look at her,” He’d hear someone sneer, and he’d loudly retort, “Yes, that color looks lovely on her, doesn’t it? She’s excellent to have at the company, for many reasons.”

He’d said things like that several times, but then you finally overheard. The defense startled you, since Michael always seemed so professional, so distant, but then you began to notice how protective he was getting, the little gifts he’d bring in, how many times he’d take you to dinners and parties. Eventually you had to just laugh and ask Michael if he was your boyfriend yet. A sudden kiss was your response.

ALFIE SOLOMONS

Frightening as he was to your father, Alfie was nothing but respectful and kind to you, even humorous. He liked to bring you something considerate, like flowers or some bread, whenever he discussed business with your father. It was so unlike the other men you’d met. For Alfie’s part, he’d never treat such a lovely, sweet lady any differently for something like a scar. He didn’t even care what the circumstances were, he was taken with you right away when he walked into your father’s establishment, and the scar didn’t add or take away from that. His favor wasn’t subtle at all, and as much as it flustered your father, Alfie made it clear he wanted to take you out at some point.

When you’re dating and intimate, he’s the sort of man to come to your defense no matter whose harassing you and what they’re saying. So, someone insulting your scarring gets the same punishment as someone whistling at you or questioning your virtue: Bloody bones. Alfie doesn’t like to show his temper in front of you, but protecting you is like a reflex. No one speaks about his girl like that. Much later when the cancer and the bullet begins to damage his eyes and face, he makes morbid jokes about how you two match and you’re clearly perfect for each other -- although you’re still far prettier.

LIZZIE STARK

In your first meeting, Lizzie immediately felt sorry for you, and that thought instantly bothered her. Who was she to assume you were some sad, lost bird? You seemed eager to work for the company, more focused on that than what you looked like, and she ought to not make assumptions. As Lizzie worked with you and became your friend, she stopped thinking about it, only glancing now and again if the light hit your scars just right. The problem with staring is she’d start looking at your eyelashes, then your lips, then your neck … Thank god you were too busy to notice. She hoped you didn’t notice, because then you might think she was looking at the scars… Although, in a way, they had their charm, too.

Lizzie is protective of you, especially if you don’t speak up. Anyone making a comment about you, even if it’s one of the Shelby boys, is going to get a sharp retort. She may even scold you for not sticking up for yourself, though you’ve heard everything under the sun at this point. She thinks you’re gorgeous and will tell you so, not settling for you blushing and shying away. She means it, damn it, and she’s not going to let a bunch of stupid men or stuck-up women make you feel bad about yourself.

ISAIAH JESUS

Because he’s helped his father with wounded men for years, scars don’t bother Isaiah like they do other people. He’s seen and helped patch up some grisly injuries that led to worse scarring. Isaiah was taken aback by your’s not because they were the worst he’s seen, far from it, but because he could tell what caused them and how much it could’ve hurt. While he was usually quick to flirt with any pretty girl in sight, it felt odd to do the same with you, almost disrespectful. So he approached you from a friendly perspective, and was glad that you both were able to talk so easily. 

Once he gets to know you better and you’re friends, Isaiah wonders if it’s alright to give you some ointments to help if the scars start itching or aching. He asks his father for advice on this (his dad thinks the crush is cute). While he’s chill and easygoing when you hang out, his angry side comes out if anyone speaks out against you, and he knows plenty of young assholes who think they’re tough for harassing a girl. He’ll beat them up, no exceptions, though afterward he’d apologize bashfully for losing his head. Michael is the one who points out his crush during a night of drinking and Isaiah is too smashed to deny it. He’s completely taken with you.

LUCA CHANGRETTA

Most ladies Luca has been with are the more superficial type, meant exclusively to be arm candy, pleasure and little else. He was with one of them when he noticed you at a party. You had a bold, striking dress and an equally arresting smile - it took him a moment to notice the scars, but the people around you didn’t seem to notice, too interested in what you were saying. Luca liked that confidence, it drew him in right away. He liked that smile you had, it was crooked because of the scars, but it was cheeky and genuine. He spent much of the party speaking with you.

Luca liked taking you out on dates and spending money to please you. The more he got to know you, the deeper his feelings were, though he was mostly unaware of it until his father cheekily asked when you’d be introduced to the family. He was quick to your defense if anyone rudely commented on your scars or tried to ask you about them. Luca rarely thought of them after the first few dates, because there was so much else to focus on, in his opinion.

ABERAMA GOLD

It’s not just your unusual looks, but the sort of mystery that you give off that interests him. What can he say, he loves interesting people, especially if they’re pretty women. When he first started speaking to you with his usual charm, he realized that you didn’t believe him when he said you were lovely. Apparently you weren’t told that often, and that was a crime in his books. Each time you’d go out, he’d make a point to compliment your outfit and looks, and it was all genuine, even if you demurred or sighed in disagreement. You could’ve had scars all over and he’d still find you darling, and that was the truth. 

While he wouldn’t push you to tell him what happened, often his mind would drift to it. He’d get angry thinking about who hurt you like that, and he’d idly wonder if they were still around … Maybe he could ask some questions, get some answers, so to speak. If you’d let him, he likes to run his fingers along them while he kisses you, feeling how soft the skin still is. He’d grin and offer to show you his old knife and bullet wounds … somewhere private, of course.

[xinfamousxunderdogx]

Did our fairytale go bad?

Since I'm currently rather uninspired to write something new I decided to post an older one shot I wrote last year.

Pairing: Ymir x Historia

Source: Attack on Titan

Trigger Warning: kind of alcohol abuse / getting drunk

I just wanted to write a dramatic breakup story. I hope you like it. A bit different than my last two quite fluffy Jaskier x reader one shots, but I hope you'll like it anyways ^^

______________________________________________

‘You can’t just leave!’, I shouted, trying not to let my voice show her how hurt I was. How broken. How desperately I wanted her to stay. I looked at her, but she kept her gaze down, slowly shaking her head, strands of her blond hair covering her eyes. Those deep, blue, ocean eyes.

‘I can. And I will.’, she said calmly, eventually looking up. Her face didn’t show a single emotion. Did she really not care at all about all this? About us? About me? I thought I would mean at least a bit to her. But apparently not. Otherwise she wouldn’t have chosen Reiner. Not to sound selfish, but that jerk didn’t deserve her. Not at all. He was just so … I don’t know. He seemed so self-centered. I doubt that he cares about Historia the way I do. This girl deserves to be treated like a queen. But apparently that was not what Historia was looking for.

She sighed and grabbed her coat from the chair in the kitchen. ‘My uber-driver should be here any moment.’ She looked at me. I looked back, trying to figure out what exactly was going on inside her. Nothing. Historia turned around and made her way to the door. And I … I just stood there, frozen. I couldn’t let her go, but I couldn’t figure out any way to make her stay.

‘Historia, please!’

She didn’t stop, nothing that showed that she regretted her decision at least a little bit. I couldn’t move, my eyes were basically glued to the back of her head. This blonde, soft hair I ran my fingers through so many times.

Even though every part of me tried to resist this, a loud sob escaped my lips. Fuck. I hated showing feelings. Historia was actually the very first person I was with where I allowed myself to be me. To even show weakness from time to time. It was still one of the things that scared me the most. Appearing vulnerable.

“Please don’t leave me.”

My voice was cracking, I took a deep breath and bit my lip. And for a very short moment Historia stopped and her movements became more hesitating.

“I’m sorry, Ymir.”

These were the last words that left her lips, almost too silent for me to even hear them. Then she left and the last thing I heard was the door closing shut and footsteps running down the stairs.

Almost automatically my feet made their way to the kitchen, to the window from where I could see the street in front of the house. Historia stood there, next to a black car with tinted windows. And Reiner was there, too, he was leaning against the back of that car. When Historia came out of the building he smiled, approached her only to place one hand on her waist and a kiss on her forehead. Unfortunately, her hair covered her face so I couldn’t see if she was smiling. But that was better for me, I assumed.

I clenched my fist, so hard that even my short nails were digging into the skin of my palm.

That bastard.

When Historia got in the car he looked up, directly at me as if he had already known I was standing there, watching them. He even had the nerve to slightly smile at me. As if he’d conquered me or something. As if Historia was his trophy that showed his victory over me. This man was so disgusting. Historia was nothing but a toy for him, someone to brag with, and someone to be seen with. I knew that outside he’d pretend to be the perfect boyfriend, caring, courteous, protective. But as soon as they were home, alone, he wouldn’t care for her, except when it would come to his desires.

At least that’s how I expected him to behave. Maybe it was just a product of my jealousy that wouldn’t let me realize that Reiner maybe really was better for her, and that Historia actually could become happy with him.

Afraid that Reiner could read my face I turned around. From the corner of my eyes I could see him get on the back seat of the car next to Historia. And I was somehow glad they were finally leaving. I couldn’t stand seeing them together.

---

I felt as empty as back in the days where I was all alone, not knowing who I was, not really having a name or an existence. Before I met Historia.

I sank down to the floor in the hallway, closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall. Within a few minutes I lost the most important part of my life. The person that meant everything.

Where did I go wrong?

I don’t think I ever told Historia how much she actually meant to me. We also hadn’t been together for a very long time, officially together at least. Almost a year. Even though things started way earlier. But in the beginning, everything was just more of an open on-off relationship. We hooked up from time to time, went to several clubs, Historia pretending to find a guy and me pretending to help her even though we both knew that we’d end up in my bed. Together.

But I never dragged her to make things official, to decide and to state what exactly the thing between us was. I didn’t want her to feel constrained or anything like that, not only because I was the first woman she was with, also because she told me her parents were very conservative. I didn’t want her to get in trouble.

And I admit it, I was kind of afraid to confess how much she really started meaning to me in such a short amount of time. I didn’t want to acknowledge that I saw more than a friend or fuckbuddy in her. Because it scared me that I caught feelings, on top of that such strong feelings, so quick. That has never happened before. Which as well made me realize that Historia was different. My soulmate, even though that sounds corny as shit. My feelings for her were different. I’ve had several relationships before, not many, but enough to be able to compare them to Historia.

All this went on for … let’s say a bit over a year. And then Historia was the one who asked to make our relationship official. Not in public, at least not to everyone. But for us. She asked me to be her girlfriend. And I was so overwhelmed and happy. I refused to believe that all this should be over now. Everything we had.

I just wished I was more honest with her. About my feelings I mean. I wished I would’ve told her how much she really meant to me; how special she was to me. I don’t know if she knew, but I never specifically said it to her. And now I’ll probably never again have the chance to do so.

But why Reiner? Why him? She could’ve had anyone. I always saw how people looked at her whenever we were outside. And not only boys. But mostly. Hardly surprising. Historia was stunning. Not merely her character. Her bright, blue eyes, her soft, blond hair, and her smile. My god, that smile.

But why, of all other people she could have, did she choose him? Reiner, the biggest jerk I’ve ever met. It just didn’t make sense to me. To be honest, it didn’t really even make sense to me that she left me at all. I thought she was happy. I thought we were happy. Together. Was it something with her parents? Did they force Historia to get together with Reiner?

I didn’t know her parents very well, I’ve met them twice or so, but that was enough. It wouldn’t surprise me if they forced Historia into this relationship. In their eyes Reiner was probably perfect for their princess. Tall, popular, from a wealthy family. The exact opposite of me. He was perfect. Highest graduation, and probably about to be the next head of his father’s company. God dammit, why do I know so much about this bastard? Right, Historia had told me about him. Not often, she just complained that her parents always reproached her with what a perfect guy he was. Comments, that subtly meant that they wanted him and Historia to get married and have lots of children together. But Historia also always told me how ridiculous this behavior was in her eyes. And how disgusting Reiner was to her.

“He doesn’t really have much respect for women. He’s that kind of guy that thinks a woman belongs in the kitchen and who wants his girlfriend to stay at home, look pretty and be completely dependent on him.” She said all that with a face that clearly showed her disgust about his attitude.

Was this all a lie?

I buried my face in my arms which I’ve rested on my knees. I couldn’t prevent a single tear from running down my face. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck. Maybe I didn’t mean as much to her as I thought I did. Maybe I was kind of an experiment for her. Maybe she saw the past two years as an adventure, a break from her stereotypical, normal, boring life. But now she’s had enough and wants to get back to her usual, previous life.

The last thing I wanted to do now was to drown in self-hatred and doubts again, but I couldn’t help. Too many questions were running through my head.

What if I did things in a different way? Was there anything I should’ve done different? I could or should’ve done better? Did I hurt her without noticing? Did I give her the impression I didn’t love her?

“Fuck!”, I whispered, my voice thin and raspy.

How do I shut my fucking brain off? I don’t have the energy to overthink about every single thing that I did in the past weeks. But I still do. My brain automatically starts overanalyzing everything, every single situation from the past weeks. Everything I said, everything she said. I even tried to remember if she behaved differently or anything. But I couldn’t remember. And that stressed me out. I felt horrible because I knew that it must have been my fault. I must have done something wrong.

I furrowed my eyebrows, my teeth clenched as I aggressively ran my fingers through my hair. Then I abruptly got up and made my way to the living room, directly to the cupboard next to the TV and opened it. I hated myself because alcohol seemed to be the only thing I could think about when it came to coping mechanisms. Why wasn’t I able to handle things in a normal way? My other coping mechanism had been sex, healthier than drinking, but well, kind of hard to practice when you just got dumped. So, I had to take the other opportunity.

I didn’t want to fall back into old habits. But I kept telling myself it was just this time, only tonight, that I just needed distraction until tomorrow, when I could maybe see this whole situation clearer. When I would be calmer and wouldn’t feel the shock that deeply anymore.

I grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured the liquid into one of the glasses that were standing on the counter. Then I took the bottle as well as the glass with me to the sofa where I sat down. There was no need to lie, I knew I would drink more than one glass.

I took a sip, bigger than I intended and hated myself for it. This wasn’t a solution. I hated myself for being better at drinking my feelings away than talking about them. And I guess that was the main problem.

How could you be so emotionally dependent on one single person that they could leave you as a total mess as soon as they were gone? When did I even allow myself to become so attached to a person, to become so vulnerable? In a way that I couldn't come up with anything but drinking my feelings and my pain away? And even though I told myself it was only today, that I’d feel better tomorrow, that everything would be fine again in a few days.

But a tiny part of me knew that that was not true. That I wouldn’t stop drowning my sadness in whisky or any other strong alcohol. That I wouldn’t get over this so fast.

I grabbed the bottle and filled my glass again, taking a big sip to silent this voice in my head that was whispering all these verities to me, at least for tonight.

[deborahdeshoftim5779]

Responses to “The Marvel of Trelsi Part XI”

Response to this post by BoltonEvans here: 

“The biggest issue with Troyella honestly isn’t just that their relationship is unequal, which would be an indictment in and of itself, but that it’s unhealthy. When we break it down to brass tax; Troy’s future isn’t as important as his and Gabriella’s relationship, but Gabriella’s future is more important than their relationship. Gabriella is always right, and Troy is always wrong. Gabriella is entirely above reproach. Troy’s every action is open to criticism and rebuking. Gabriella sees fit to punish and scold Troy when he fails to meet her ludicrously high expectations, but Troy can’t so much as question Gabriella’s failings and shortcomings as a partner without receiving an icy look from Gabriella, herself, and the justification that Gabriella “always” does “the right thing”, and is “one step ahead, as usual”. When Troy confides his concerns about his future and his insecurities in Gabriella, Gabriella scarcely pays his words any mind before bringing up her own (comparatively less serious) problems, as if she needs to one up her boyfriend. Gabriella can toy with Troy’s feelings and ultimately determine that he isn’t worth fighting for, while Troy scrambles to do everything in his power to keep Gabriella content and at his side.”

Great points. I agree. 

“Yet, it’s Troy the characters in these films, and, consequently, the fandom, see fit to demonize and write off as “not good enough for Gabriella”.

The fandom’s vindictive cruelty towards Troy beggars belief time after time. I conclude that they were watching a different version of the film. 

“Ryan was originally conceived as having a crush on Gabriella, in High School Musical 2. Which, definitely was a byproduct of writer’s bias- two male leads lusting after the same girl? Yeah. Extreme bias. Anyway, in both the junior novel adaptation of the second film (which was based on an earlier draft of the script), and a deleted scene, Ryan attempts to flirt with Gabriella in an outrageously uncomfortable manner by mentioning the previous lifeguard at Lava Springs having awful back hair; implying that Gabriella is far easier on the eyes. This concept, however, seems to have been by and large abandoned in the final cut of the film. Instead, several lines of dialogue, as well as Lucas Grabeel’s performance, indicate Ryan having a preference for the Troy half of Troyella.”

I see no avenue for Ryan having feelings for Gabriella. And I don’t like to imagine what an “earlier draft of the script” would look like, given the final product. What I see in this scene is Ryan walking into a trap with his naiive eyes open, and then Gabriella leaving him to take the flack. He thought Gabriella was being friendly, thought her compliments were genuine, and it turned out that she was a stage prop in a plan to humiliate someone he had no intention to hurt. It’s a disgusting scene, because if you wiped Gabriella out of the picture, clearly the two of them (Troy and Ryan) could have had a nice chat. 

Personally, I don’t think Ryan had a more than platonic interest in Troy, but I do think he got on better with Troy than with Gabriella. He also admires Troy, because Troy has what he longs for: recognition and popularity on his own account. I suppose it is easy to interpret that admiration as being more than platonic. That said, he approached Zeke with a compliment long before approaching Troy. (Not to mention that scene in HSM III “I Want It All” and at graduation between them). Anyway, he does not admire Gabriella, apart from being impressed with her academic abilities. Ryan may also be grateful to Troy, who signed his yearbook-- almost everyone else ignored him when he tried to sign theirs, which gives the impression that very few people signed his. 

Ryan eagerly and without any hesitation declares Troy as having the “category” of East High School’s Absolute Primo Boy “pretty much locked up, don’t you think?”, a large grin playing across his face...

Sharpay asked him a very silly question, which he appears to have taken literally. His tone is sort of “Come on, Shar, you already know the answer to that!” It strikes me that he is very much used to hearing about how much his sister wants Troy, and silently amused that Troy so clearly does not reciprocate those feelings. Ryan’s later annoyance, resentment and eventual anger with Sharpay for using Troy as a tool to replace him tends to make me feel that he would be favourable to Gabriella’s place in Troy’s life because it means Sharpay doesn’t get her way for once. If Troy is unattainable, then he’s not going to be kicked aside. Ryan is a very practical guy. He looks out for Numero Uno. In HSM III, he does not mention that Troy would not like to perform with Sharpay, but that Sharpay can’t fulfil Gabriella’s role: “You... are not Gabriella.” In HSM II, he pretended that Sharpay was “East High’s Primo Girl”, whilst clearly believing it to be Gabriella, hence that funny stare round the corner.

His mood quickly sours, however, when Sharpay begins daydreaming about herself and Troy, leading to Ryan having to take a minute to compose himself before exiting the school building on Sharpay’s heels. 

Actually, he kind of gave her a “get real” look there, by snapping his fingers. I imagine that Ryan is always having to compose himself around Sharpay, given her high drama capacity, and her always roping him into her schemes.  

“...takes issue with Troy potentially performing in the Lava Springs talent show only on the grounds that he doesn’t want to see Troy sing with Gabriella, stands off to the side, beaming, as Troy is introduced to Mrs. Evans...”

I personally think that Ryan didn’t want Troy and Gabriella upstaging him and Sharpay: “What about our song?”. Ryan never actually stated that he wished to see Troy perform in the Lava Springs Talent Show; he even went so far as to tell Sharpay that Kelsi had written a song for him and Gabriella, calling it “a problem”. “Now it’s an amazing song, but Kelsi didn’t write it for us.”-- “us” being him and Sharpay. Along with his incredibly sarcastic behaviour at dinner (which was hilarious), it doesn’t look to me like he appreciates what appears to be yet another dinnertime with him being shunted into the corner, whilst all the focus is on Sharpay, and this time, Troy. His anger when Sharpay announced that she’d be performing in Troy was based on him feeling betrayed by her, and the waste of his beloved “Tiki Warrior Outfit”, not to mention the time and effort he poured into rehearsing a song that he clearly enjoyed-- not least because he got to be the Handsome Prince. His annoyance with Troy at the end of Humuhumu was both hilarious and telling; even though Troy did nothing wrong, he snatched the necklace thing from him and stalked off. :D When Sharpay confirms his worst fears, that he has been replaced, he snaps. Later on, he sarcastically tells Sharpay, “But you and Troy have a good show, sis.” Back in HSM I, he was worried that Troy and Gabriella, referred to as “they”, sounded good-- worried and impressed, rather. When Sharpay ranted against the injustice of Gabriella signing up for the Talent Show, Ryan just pretended to agree with her. He also eventually became good-natured when he saw that Troy and Gabriella performed “Breaking Free” so well. So I don’t think that he was jealous of Troy and Gabriella, but resentful of how Sharpay used Troy as a replacement for him, thus making him feel replaceable. I think that when he was upset about the “Troy and Gabriella” show, he was referring to their popularity and how that would mean no attention for him. We already know that he secretly longed to win the Star Dazzle Award. Ryan seems to me to be incredibly practical. 

I’ve seen the scene where Troy is introduced to Mrs. Evans, and he’s pulling that same face the entire time at everyone, which must take some muscle effort. :D

then, not subtly at all gives Troy’s behind a once over as he passes by.

Maybe it’s just me, but his cap is too far down for me to see anything. It looks to me as though they’re all just getting out of the way. Ryan keeps pulling that face for the entire scene, and sometimes doesn’t even look interested in what’s going on, because almost everyone gradually forgets that he’s even there (as usual). 

The binoculars scene was funny. Ryan looks to me like he’s watching a very good film. However, he is only there because Sharpay forced him to be: later, when Sharpay yells at him to “keep an eye on those Wildcats”, he has snapped and stalks off. I would be more convinced if he decided to keep watch of his own accord. Besides, since his parents own the club, there’s not much for Ryan to do from day to day. So why not spy? :D 

“This is veering into headcanon territory, but… if you factor in the lyrics to “Everyday”, lyrics that Ryan and not Kelsi penned, lyrics that describe both feelings the speaker believes they have only one chance to act on, and Troy’s internal conflict over the course of this film… Ryan likely came to the conclusion that he had blown his one “chance” with Troy.”

Because I hardly ever watch this scene, too pissed off with movie events to stomach the sweet reunion part, I don’t know what the lyrics are. This is a plausible interpretation. But if this song is so important and personal to Ryan, then why doesn’t Ryan, who can play the piano, teach Troy the song? If they’d had that scene together, that would have definitely had more potential for romantic interpretation. 

Obviously, I’m biased, but I just don’t see anyone having the same dynamic as Troy and Kelsi; and Troy is almost completely dependent upon Kelsi to perform “Everyday”, from what I remember-- at least until Gabriella appears. She’s the one giving him the moral support throughout there. I don’t feel that he and Ryan had that unspoken understanding through music that was shown between him and Kelsi. 

What I’d like to know is who taught Gabriella the song. Neither Ryan nor Kelsi are shown to know her that well. Ryan hands Troy the new score and then when Troy confronts Sharpay, Ryan dashes off, whilst Troy is off to rehearse with Kelsi (who manages to teach him an entire song within an hour or so). Where does Ryan dash off to? Is he going to fetch Gabriella? Is he therefore the one who preps Gabriella? So many unanswered questions. 

“Ryan never attempts to approach Troy throughout the rest of this movie, even while orchestrating a scheme to reunite Troy with Gabriella (something Gabriella obviously didn’t want, as she was the one who terminated their relationship) and get him performing in the talent show for the boosters from U of A with a song actually in his range, and a partner he’s comfortable with. It is Troy who seeks Ryan out.”

Ryan helping to orchestrate a reunion between Troy and Gabriella is definitely significant and a very decent thing to do. I think it was a completely naiive idea, but his heart was in the right place.

“And, Ryan’s faces during that sequence say it all. He thought Troy would never have anything to do with him, again, but…. here Troy is, right in front of him, saying his name, apologizing to him, and offering his hand in friendship.”

Yes, I like that scene. Ryan does act as though he is meeting a celebrity. Again, I can see how this might be seen as more than platonic. 

“He can hardly believe it. But, he’s certainly not going to refuse it. He even attempts to ameliorate Troy’s (completely unwarranted) guilt over the talent show by assuring him, “Hey, truth is… we’ve all had a lot of fun. At least I have.”

I approve of Ryan not taking an apology that was never warranted in the first place. 

“I could go on, incorporating graphics from the third movie and break downs of the context of them to illustrate further proof that Ryan has decidedly not platonic feelings for Troy, but I’m sure you’ve got the gist, by now. (And, I don’t want to detract from the point of this analysis, which is intended to be a celebration of Troy/Kelsi, not my preferred ship.) With this knowledge in hand, Ryan’s silence in regards to Troy and Gabriella’s relationship is suddenly painted in a new light.”

I’m happy to discuss all ships. I base ships on their plausibility and level of interest, and though I don’t ship Troy and Ryan, this is quite obviously a superior pairing to Chyan (implausible), Ryella (nonsensical) and Ryelsi (implausible, nonsensical and offensive). All of those three have next to NO evidence in their favour-- I don’t care about “I Don’t Dance”, because it’s a waste of minutes. 

I think Ryan holds Troy in high esteem and they become very good friends, which I think is a positive thing. 

It would certainly be a very interesting headcanon for Ryan (who deserves a more prominent role in some capacity), and one with more proof than for the central couple. But again, I’m biased: for me, Troy and Kelsi are unique (the “Playmakers” *squee* :D) and extremely well-suited for each other, as well as being reliant upon and devoted to each other’s success. They both have something that they need and value in each other that is, to me, a lot deeper than with Troy’s other relationships with other characters. Which is what I’m babbling about in this series, LOL! 

However, I do agree that there are a lot of unappreciated dynamics in the movie series, that deserved far more attention than Troyella.  

“As of the end of High School Musical 2, Ryan and Troy are friends. This is not up for debate. This is a fact supported by their interactions in High School Musical 3: Senior Year. Ignoring the transparent Pro-Gabriella/Troyella bias the entire narrative of that film is steeped in, Ryan has likely come to terms with the fact that Gabriella is the one Troy’s heart is set on. He doesn’t necessarily like it...”

To be honest, I don’t think he looks unhappy there at all; everyone behind those doors looks wistful and impressed at the performance. They always seem to me to be in the middle of a daydream. (Which they are, because this performance is in no way a reflection of Troyella’s actual relationship). Besides, we can’t actually see the bottom half of Ryan’s face in that pic, LOL! I’d certainly like Ryan to be unhappy with Gabriella, but then his later victory air pump during the final Musical performance would contradict that. He doesn’t even look unhappy when Troy shows up halfway through the musical with Gabriella on his arm, and even helps give them another chance! I wish he hadn’t, because Troy should have turned up on his cue, and Gabriella should have fucked off back to California, since she had no intention of performing, but there you go. 

- but he keeps his opinions and personal feelings to himself and tries to support whatever makes Troy happy.

I’d like to see more information about Ryan’s feelings on anything, let alone Troyella. He gets almost no airtime when it’s not convenient. 

With that said, I doubt he’d manage to hold his tongue if he knew the full details of the prom debacle.

Again, I’m hesitant on deciding how he’d react, because I don’t know enough about his feelings, overall. 

I’m really looking forward to further analysis of Kelsi. You do such an excellent job breaking her character down and exploring what makes her tick. It’s given me a renewed appreciation for her. Keep up the amazing work! You’re fighting the good fight. ^___^

Thanks! Kelsi is a marvellous character, who just isn’t appreciated enough in the fandom, so really, she just gives me the material to explore. 

Thanks for the responses!

[medicinemane]

I’ve been looking for my copy of one of Asimov’s autobiography for ages (I think he says in there it’s his 3rd), specifically for this one chapter on anti-semitisim. I think it’s brilliant, and I think it has real words of wisdom for any time, but right now in particular. Which is why I’m going to transcribe it below the cut. I’d really recommend give in a read

Anti-Semitisim

This leads me to a more general discussion of anti-Semitisim.

My father told me rather proudly that there was never any pogrom in this little town, that Jews and Gentiles got along. In fact, he told me that he was good friends with a Gentile boy, whom he helped with his schoolwork. After the Revolution, that boy turned up as a local functionary of the Communist Party and helped my father with the paperwork required for emigration to the United States.

This is important. I have frequently had hotheaded romantics assume that our family fled Russia to escape persecution. They seem to think that the only way we got out was by jumping from ice flow to ice flow the Dnieper River, with bloodhounds and the entire Red Army in hot pursuit.

No such thing. We were not persecuted and we left in a quite legal manner with no more trouble than one would expect from any bureaucracy, including our own. If that’s disappointing, so be it.

Nor do I have horror tales to tell about my life here in the United States. I was never made to suffer for my Jewishness in the crass sense of being beaten up or physically harmed. I was taunted often enough, sometimes openly by young yahoos and more often subtly by the more educated. It was something I accepted as an inevitable part of the Universe that I could not change.

I also knew that vast areas of American society were closed to me because I was Jewish, but that was true in every Christian society in the world for two thousand years, and I accepted that too was a fact of life.

What was really difficult to endure was the feeling of insecurity and even terror, because of what was happening in the world. I am talking about the 1930s now,  when Hitler was becoming more and more dominant and his anti-Semitic madness was becoming ever more vicious and murderous.

No American Jew could fail to be aware that the Jews, first in Germany, then in Austria, were being endlessly humiliated, mistreated, imprisoned, tortured, and killed, merely for being Jewish. We could not fail to realize that Nazi-like parties were arising in other parts of Europe, which also made anti-Semitism their central watchword. Even France and Great Britain were not immune; both had their Fascist-type parties and both had long histories of anti-Semitism.

We were not safe even in the United States. The undercurrent of genteel anti-Semitism. was already there.The occasional violence of the more ignorant street gangs always existed. But there was also the pull of Nazism. We can discount the German-American Bund, which was an open arm of the Nazis. However, people such as Catholic priest Father Charles Coughlin and the aviation hero Charles Lindbergh openly expressed anti-Semitic views. There were also homegrown Fascist movements that rallied round the anti-Semitic banner.

How could American Jews live under this strain? Why did they not break down? I suppose that most simply practiced “denial.” They tried hard not to think about it and went about their normal way of life as best they could. To a large extent, I did this too. One simply had to. (The Jews in Germany did the same thing till the storm broke.)

I also had a more positive attitude. I had enough faith in the United States of America to believe it would never follow the German example.

And, as a matter of fact, Hitler’s excesses, not only in his racism but in his nationalistic saber rattling, his increasingly obvious paranoia, were rousing disgust and anger among important sections of the American population. Even if the United States was, on the whole, rather cool to the plight of Europe’s Jews, it was becoming increasingly anti-Hitler. Or so I felt, and I found comfort in that.

I also tried to avoid becoming uncomfortably hooked on anti-Semitism as the main problem in the world. Many Jews I knew divided the world into Jews and anti-Semites, nothing else. Many Jews I knew recognized no problem anywhere, at any time, but that of anti-Semitism.

It struck me, however, that prejudice was universal and that all groups who were not dominant, who were not actually at the top of the status chain, were potential victims. In Europe, in the 1930s, it was the Jews who were being spectacularly victimized, but in the United States it was not the Jews who were worst treated. Here, as anyone could see who did not deliberately keep his eyes shut, it was the African-Americans.

For two centuries they had been enslaved. Since that slavery had come to a formal end, the African-Americans remained in a position of near-slavery in most segments of American society. They were deprived of ordinary rights, treated with contempt, and kept out of any participation in what is called the American dream.

I, though Jewish, and poor besides, eventually received a first-class American education at a top American university, and I wondered how many African-Americans would have the chance. It constantly bothered me to have to denounce anti-Semitism unless I denounced the cruelty of man to man in general.

Such is the blindness of people that I have know Jews who, having deplored anti-Semitism in unmeasured tones,would, with scarcely a breath in between,got on the subject of African-Americans and promptly begin to sound like a group of petty Hitlers. And when I pointed this out and objected to it strenuously, they turned on me in anger. They simply could not see what they were doing.

I once listened t a woman grow eloquent over the terrible ways in which Gentiles did nothing to save the Jews of Europe. “You can’t trust Gentiles,” she said. I let some time elapse and the asked suddenly, “What are you doing to help the blacks in their fight for civil rights?” “Listen,” she said, “I have my own troubles.” And I said, “So did the Gentiles.” but she only stared at me blankly. She didn’t get the point at all.

What can be done about it? The who world seems to live under the banner: “Freedom is wonderful - but only for me.”

I broke out, under different conditions, once in May od 1977. On that occasion I shared a platform with  others, among them Elie Wiesel, who survived the Holocaust (the slaying of six million European Jews) and now will talk of nothing else. Wiesel irritated me when he said that he did not trust scientists and engineers  because scientists and engineers had been involved in conduction the Holocaust.

What a generalization! It was precisely the sort of thing an anti-Semite says. “I don’t trust Jews because once certain Jews crucified my Savior.”

I brooded about that on the platform and finally, unable to keep quiet, I said, “Mr. Wiesel, it is a mistake to think that because a group has suffered extreme persecution that it is a sign that they are virtuous and innocent. They might be, of course, but the persecution process is no proof of that. The persecution merely shows that the persecuted group is weak. Had they been strong, then, for all we know, they might have been the persecutors.”

Whereupon Wiesel, very excited, said, “Give me one example of the Jews ever persecuting anyone.”

Of course, I was ready for him. I said, Under the Maccabean kingdom in the second century B.C., John Hyrcanus of Judea conquered Edom and gave the Edomites a choice - convert to Judaism or the sword. The Edomites, being sensible, converted, but, thereafter, they were in any case treated as an inferior group, for though they were Jews, they were also Edomites.”

And Wiesel, even more excited, said, “That was only one time.”

I said, “That was the only time the Jews had the power. One for one isn’t bad.”

That ended the discussion, but I might add that the audience was heart and soul with Wiesel.

I might have gone further. I might have referred to the treatment of the Canaanites by the Israelites under David and Solomon. And if I could have foreseen the future, I would have mentioned what is going on in Israel today. American Jews might appreciate the situation more clearly if they imagined a reversal of roles, or Palestinians ruling the land and of the Jews despairingly throwing rocks.

I once had a similar argument with Avram Davidson, a brilliant science fiction writer, who is (of course) Jewish and was, for a time at least, ostentatiously orthodox. I had written an essay on the Book of Ruth, treating it as a plea for tolerance as against the cruelty of the scribe Ezra, who forced the Jews to “put away” their foreign wives. Ruth was a Moabite, a people hated by the Jews, yet she was pictured as a model woman, and she was the ancestress of David.

Avram Davidson took umbrage at my implication that the Jews were intolerant and he wrote me a letter in which he waxed sarcastic indeed. He too asked when the Jews had ever persecuted anyone.

In my answer, I said, “Avram, you and I are Jews who live in a county that is ninety-five percent non-Jewish and we are doing very well. I wonder how we would make out, Avram, if we were Gentiles and lived in a county that was ninety-five percent Orthodox Jewish.”

He never answered.

Right now there is an influx of Soviet Jews into Israel. They are fleeing because they expect religious persecution. Yet the instant their feet touched Israeli soil, they became extreme Israeli nationalists with no pity for the Palestinians. From persecuted to persecutors in the blinking of an eye.

The Jews are not remarkable for this. It;s just that because I’m a Jew I am sensitive to this particular situation - but it’s a general phenomenon. When pagan Rome persecuted the early Christians, the Christians pleaded for tolerance. When Christianity took over, was their tolerance? Not on your life. The persecution began at one in the other direction.

The Bulgarians demanded freedom for themselves from an oppressive regime and made use of that freedom by attacking ethnic Turks in their midst. The Azerbaijani demanded freedom from the centralized control of the Soviet Union, but they seemed to want to make use of that freedom to kill all the Armenians in their midst.

The Bible says that those who have experienced persecution should not in their turn persecute: “Thou shalt neither vex a stranger, nor oppress him; for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt” (Exodus 22:21). Yet who follows that text? When I try to preach it, I merely make myself seem odd and become unpopular.

-Isaak Asimov

I.Asimov