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artytaeh · 5 months

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hello. hi! 🌷 do i have your attention now? nice. ♡

because let me tell you something, reader; if you were to date theodore nott, your spot— yours and theo's, the corner of hogwarts that belongs to you, where he doesn't take any other girl and you better not take any other boy, is the astronomy tower.

♡ : SMOKING UNDER THE STARS, as the smoke joins the fog and few clouds seen in the night sky, is a time of the day that theodore enthusiastically awaits— from the moment he wakes up, to the time he falls asleep, tolerating classes with the hope of night arriving at a faster pace. sometimes, theo even uses those classes to sleep; a slumber over the wooden surface of those desks, all for the sake of being able to be fully awake for a few more hours, later when he's with you.

initially, theodore feels somewhat guilty to indulge a new bad habit of yours; constantly fighting with his conscience and that selfishness of his, because theodore longs for the companionship— for a woman that embraces his whole being. not just the attractive part, not just the pleasant lust; to have someone accepting his problems that have those nasty, bad habits as a coping mechanism, a consequence.

when you share a cigarette with him, theodore doesn't know whether he finds it terribly attractive (the sight of your lipstick lingering on the cigarette, where he puts his lips too, an indirect kiss [how childish of him, to think that!]) or if theodore nott should melt in front of you.

a drag from that cigarette you share, is perceived as a gentle try to take a weight from his shoulders. someone willing to listen. to know, to show interest about what breaks his heart, even though theodore is a challenging person to get any kind of personal information from.

theo runs up those stairs as if the dark lord himself was chasing him— he runs with a huge grin on his face, like a bloody child in christmas' morning; however, theodore takes a deep breath, brushes his long fingers through his hair, regains his stoic posture; as if he had taken his sweet time getting there.

as if that hand of his doesn't twitch in excitement to open this damn door, that is keeping you and him at a room of distance.

and when you smile at him, waving with your lighter in hand, one that he has put on stickers and silly doodles for each smoking session together?

theodore nott accepts the fate of his broken heart; pieces melting like butter in a pan, mushing together with hope as glue, daring to slowly put the pieces back together— if someone is capable of mending theo's heart and belief of being a lost cause, it's you.

and all you had to do was listen and smile at him.

⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

♡ : STARGAZING WITH THEODORE NOTT is a must; an unofficial date of yours, even before you started dating. at first, blankets are brought to lay on top of them; because the night wasn't chilly yet. however, when winter approaches hogwarts with snowy days and cold nights, the chance to share a blanket isn't wasted by theo— who nonchalantly wraps his arm around your shoulders, bringing the blanket with him, so your backs and arms are warm with the soft, warm fabric. this nonchalance, this smooth movements of theodore; they're all a facade, because his mind races with prayers that you're not able to hear his heart beating so loudly inside his ribcage.

theodore used to think that winter is a bothersome season; having to wear more layers of clothes, waking up in the middle of the night from the cold breeze (blaise has this irritating habit of leaving windows open to ventilate the bedroom) or because he, unconsciously, kicked the sheets away only to wake up freezing cold.

now, winter is a prayer, is a pleading to the gods or whoever deity brings the snow, the cold, the fog, the rain, the cold wind: "Dio mio, per favore, rendilo freddo come l'Antartide, così posso coccolare la mia ragazza con una scusa!" (God of mine, please, make it as cold as Antarctica, so I can cuddle my girl with an excuse!)

he brings a blanket. why not two? you'd ask one fateful night; theo was thankful for his wit, for that quick tongue of his, because the excuse he found was believable enough.

apparently, mattheo riddle is easily cold; and impolite, too, since he steals some of theodore's rightful blankets to warm himself up.

huh, who'd say that about the dark lord's son. thankfully, hopefully, this white lie will never reach mattheo's ears.

⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

♡ : DEEP CONVERSATIONS ABOUT everything and anything, shouldn't be a surprise for you either. after all, despite his group of friends being constituted by a doberman willing to fight any moving student, a womanizer with a pretty face, mama's boy from the quidditch team and nepo baby gone wrong— theodore nott is an intelligent young man.

and truthfully, as much as theo adores his friends and having a laugh with them... nothing beats these conversations between you two. where theodore has asked you about your philosophy; what do you believe? in your perspective, deities exist? what happens after you die? how are your dreams like? where would you go, if you could go to anywhere in the world? after hogwarts, what will you do— he wants to know your idealistic and realistic plans!

the more he learns about you, the deeper he falls for you, he thinks.

even when you tell him about some silly fear of yours. despite that embarrassment moment that you retold him, making the two of you laugh and almost cough amidst the smoke. those little quirks, even things you'd be ashamed to tell anyone else, your deepest, most secret thoughts...

theodore nott loves them all.

his blue eyes, unfeeling and void of any happiness, soften at the sight of you. theo perceives you as the most perfect being in the world— his Dea.

Dea mia, he calls you in his own thoughts. theodore discovers that he admires your flaws, more than he ever tolerated anyone else's— qualities and good traits can be shared among many people.

but flaws? thoughts, ideologies, habits? that makes you, well, you.

that's what makes his Dea different from other girls of your house. that mole that you find silly, that insecurity that you wished to remove from your body, that habit of yours when you're nervous or when you have to lie— those are so charming to him.

it's charming because it's you, theodore admits to himself one day, when he's smoking alone, already missing you by his side. such a realization makes him sigh.

wasn't love the most terrifying emotion, for a boy who only knew pain and devastation?

⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

♡ : HOWEVER, YOU MUST KNOW THAT when something is wrong— be it a stressful day for theodore, a letter from his father, a wave of depression, a fight between you two; he'll be there. on the spot you share, that little secret of yours: the astronomy tower.

he'll be there; be it because he finds a shade of comfort to be there where you've spent time with him once, or because some silly part of him hopes that you'll notice his missing presence, that somehow, you'll read his thoughts and know that he needs you.

even if theodore is angry with you, he'll wait there. unconsciously, of course! i doubt that theo himself rationalizes this habit, of seeking refuge on the place that "belongs" to you and him, as a way to await for the moment where you'll find him, to talk things over.

even if he'll be smoking his lungs out of stress, out of anger, out of sadness, out of hope that maybe if he smokes enough, he'll drop dead with his sorrow.

depending on what he's feeling and the reason why he's there, waiting for you . . .

theo hugs you tightly. of course, such a thing requires a closer relationship with him; even as a friend, theodore will find comfort on you. to have your body inside his arms, to feel your warmth, your scent; suddenly, that hopelessness inside his heart, that void, is filled with love for you. theodore nott doesn't cry; it's weak to do so. what the eyes don't see, the heart doesn't feel— so if he buries his face on your shoulder and you feel your clothes getting wet from tears... well, that might be your imagination. for the sake of his sanity and peace, please, don't comment about it. just hug him back. theo doesn't feel the kindness of comfort ever since his mother died.

theo averts his gaze, taking a drag of his cigarette before opening his heart. this would be a consequence of a stressful day. usually where anger for himself and hatred towards his father subsides to melancholy. an anguished cry of his heart, where theo isn't sure if he's allowed to pity himself or to scream at the world for what he lacked, what he deserved to have during his childhood and teenage years. he'll take to you, eventually— maybe after a cigarette or two. because theodore knows that whatever you talk there, won't leave those four walls. that's how much he trusts you.

theo leans against the window frame, smoking, pretending as if he didn't see you entering the tower and walking towards him. letting you lead the conversation, introducing the topic of that fight between the two of you. as intelligent and witty as he is, theodore couldn't start a sincere conversation about feelings, honesty and vulnerability even if his life depends on it.

⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

BUT PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYTHING, don't bring another boy there. not to the astronomy tower— to yours and theo's secret place, a silent agreement between you two, that this is a spot, a moment, a deal that is special and exclusive to the other.

after all, before theo can feel sadness, anger will consume him like a vicious virus. fury boils on his blood, spreads through his veins, as jealousy burns on that aching (and fragile) heart of theodore nott's at the sight of his ragazza with someone else.

the silent threat of someone being on his rightful place— oh, that drives him insane.

so, like a child, like an immature and impulsive guy, theodore returns the favor: bringing another girl there. anyone, really; the first one that falls to his feet.

and he'll kiss her there, too. theo's lips show no mercy, roughly kissing that girl that he barely remembers the name, imagining that it's you on his lap— as if he's taking revenge on you for breaking his heart, diminishing the value that theo thought he had. out of spite, he'll bite that girl's lip; making it hurt, almost bleed, when his mind cruelly invades his thoughts with the image of you and that bastard smiling in the astronomy tower.

a place that should be reserved for him.

soon, theo regrets this. as awful as it sounds, he's not particularly worried about that girl's feelings— he's worried about yours. theodore panics at the idea of you finding out, as if he hadn't done this to get some sick sense of revenge, of having his feelings avenged in some kind of way.

and you betrayed this silent agreement first!

nevermind that. theo is terrified that if you find out he did this, then any chance he build up with you, with such effort and daydreams, is crushed by his stupid, impulsive hot-headed behavior of his.

theo genuinely despises the idea of having another woman by his side, on that window frame, touching his pack of cigarettes; lighting them up with a lighter that isn't yours. engage conversation with someone that isn't you, on those nights spent talking and smoking together.

it doesn't matter if you find out or not— theodore shows up at your door, with flowers on his hands; picked by himself, stolen from professor pomfrey's garden. his abandonment issues, the terror of the idea of being alone as he was before he had a glimpse of you, makes the prideful slytherin beg.

and he does. no more games. no more longing gazes that wonder if the feelings are mutual or not.

he wants to be yours. please, be mine. his blue eyes gaze into yours, seeking for the truth of your soul, pleading for a sign that you were meant to be. sii la mia ragazza, non riesco a respirare quando non sei vicino. soffocherò senza di te.

⋯ ⋯ ﹒ 🪻 ’

the next time you enter the astronomy tower, you'd find that the place had a different tranquility to it. something like little lamps, with a blanket on the floor— facing the window, where the stars shine so bright, as if the universe required such a beautiful starry sky for you and theo only; nevermind the students who are already sleeping, exhausted from the day full of classes.

theo didn't have the time to buy you something; at his command, there were only food and snacks in the castle's kitchen, warm blankets, pillows and two willing best friends to help.

( while lorenzo kept giving suggestions to further increase the romance of this surprise date between the two of you, looking more excited about it than theo himself— well, mattheo riddle lends more than a hand, to make sure that he'd stop hearing such nonsenses about you. every. single. day. from the moment when theo wakes up sighing because of you, eats as he steals glances at your table, rambles about you and dares to avert each topic to your existence. mattheo might sympathize with you— but god, theo is so in love with you, that mattheo's eye starts twitching at the mention of your name. )

it's for the best if you don't make him wait; in those five minutes that he spent waiting for you, theo fixed the blanket to be an inch straighter. two minutes in, and theodore considers changing the position of the blanket and those snacks perfectly pilled up, his mind playing tricks that this blanket is crooked.

and he stresses. as if he'd lose the love of his life because he couldn't put a blanket on a perfect straight position. thirty seconds later, he's fixing the places he put the lamps; checking with an attentive eye if they're symmetrical.

maybe he should have brought a ruler.

because there's nothing else he can fix, theo's critical eye stares at the snacks. some he likes, most of them food that he knows you like.

however, theo is panicking. what if you're suddenly allergic to a food he brought?

does he know how to deal with a person having an allergic reaction?

thankfully, this paranoia spiraling on that genius mind of his reaches its end— the door opens, and you enter the astronomy tower; eyes shining at the sight of that familiar room, now decorated. beautifully decorated. the cherry on top is theodore nott standing there: smiling at you, looking somewhat shy, because theo never really put such an effort for someone.

never cared this much. never loved this much. never craved the approval, never needed the praise from someone of his age.

you spend hours there. if theo was nervous at first, such anxiety dissipates into thin air— the familiarity of being alone with you here, in the astronomy tower, calming his senses, subsiding such a silly nervousness with the happiness of being with you.

you definitely cuddle. and if you two fall asleep there, in each other's arms, probably holding hands, warm between blankets and pillows— well, that's a secret shared between you two.

morning arrives with the interruption of such peaceful slumber; the sunrise bringing too much light for you both. of course, theo walks you to your dorm, even to your room if you let him; saying goodbye with a tender, soft kiss that displays the vulnerability of his stolen heart.

heart that is on your hands. heart that remains with you, as he walks away to his own dorm, already missing you. your scent. your voice. your touch, your warmth.

and even though you'd have to wake up in a few hours for breakfast at the great hall— well, theo still misses you, anyways.

unable to sleep, theo spends those three hours looking at the ceiling. a silly smile on his face, that makes mattheo riddle groan at the sight of this.

god. theodore nott would NOT shut the fuck up for a whole month.

౨ৎ you know where to find me, ♡ ͡

and i know where to look . . .

🪻 ; . . . fandom : harry potter.

— by far, my weakest work. but it was written in fifteen minutes, so why not post it! as always, you're more than welcome to interact with me + send messages. tysm for the feedback!

the headers + gifs + icons aren't mine. credits to the respective creators ! 🌷

#theodore nott #theodore nott dating #theodore nott x reader #theo nott headcanons #theo nott x reader #theo nott dating #slytherin boys #slytherin boys x you #harry potter universe #hp fandom #drabbles #scenarios

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general-cyno · 10 months

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y'know, one zolu moment I don't talk about nearly as much as I should but that I love and find super interesting is the bar fight on jaya. and though I know there's mixed opinions on the latter, I also like the contrast between jaya AND whiskey peak.

when it comes to whiskey peak... I'm somewhere in the middle. as a concept I find it interesting too, since it involves zoro doing things on his own for the sake of the crew for the first time (iirc) and luffy being faced with the possibility of zoro not acting as honorably as he believes or trusts zoro to be at that point. thing is, luffy is someone who places great value in the kindness he receives and returns it tenfold. it's something we see throughout the story and in jaya as well actually, with cricket and his crew! this is also what's attracted him to most of the straw hats (if not every) and his allies also. so in theory, I don't think luffy reacting negatively to zoro attacking the ppl who'd been kind to him and the crew for seemingly no reason is entirely out of character, especially after waking up so disorientedly, and at least not that early on in the manga. he emphasizes it too, when he shows up to fight zoro,

the problem for me lies more on the actual execution of it rather than the idea as a whole. kinda goofy for luffy and zoro to drop lines like "now we'll find out who's superior" during it as if they'd had some sort of fighting style rivalry beforehand and it's kinda removed from the og point of the fight but they're dumb kids and the story can take some goofy turns at times so. shrugs.

I can't tell if whiskey peak was originally meant to have an impact or effect on their relationship afterwards (some opinions I've read insist oda was forced to include it) but if anything, it ended up demonstrating zoro and luffy are better off fighting together than against each other, even as they're going on about killing and beating the other up over a misunderstanding. it reminds me of one comment I read on a r/ddit post a while ago (about another topic though) that pointed out how in terms of fighting styles, zoro and luffy kind of complement and make up for each other's weaknesses, which is such a nice detail and layer to their relationship imo.

and assuming there was a genuine point to it all (it's more fun that way heh), I'd say that it really highlights the importance of moments like those in jaya and luffy choosing to trust zoro not to fight back against bellamy's crew.

as luffy has learned this far, zoro would never hurt anyone for no reason and if there's a "reason" it's usually, if not always, rooted in his wish and duty to keep everyone safe (in whiskey peak, the townsfolk were actually baroque works agents, bounty hunters, who had a tendency to trick pirates like them at the start of the grand line). plus, zoro may enjoy battle but he doesn't fight for revenge or feelings/motives of the sort, as he admits later in skypiea. he does, however, react when the people he cares about are in danger (*waves hand and points at anything involving luffy*), hurt (chopper in skypiea as an example, but there's plenty more) or he witnesses great injustice (like yasuie's execution in wano). he's also not the type to enjoy beating up someone weaker, much less for shits and giggles. he will even save enemies if luffy asks him to, as long as it doesn't pose a bigger or immediate (real) threat to the crew.

compare zoro saving smoker in alabasta vs him refusing to accept x drake as an ally at first due to his known status as a traitor in the wano arc, for example.

and of course jaya isn't an exception. when bellamy attacks luffy, zoro responds as usual:

luffy himself stands up ready to fight too, at first. but as nami brings up the sky island and everyone mocks them for it, then bellamy specifically takes it upon himself to ridicule them - insisting on how foolish it is for ppl to "waste time" chasing their dreams, especially pirates, luffy decides not to fight back and tells zoro to do the same.

this is one of those instances in which the "lu" of zolu really shines through, if you ask me. zoro's got a handful of grand gestures toward luffy on his belt, but this is one in which luffy does the heavy lifting for me. this is acknowledgedment and an insane amount of trust, a moment in which luffy's relying on zoro to understand his motives and to push back his usual protectiveness when faced with an enemy displaying a lot of hostility. and zoro gets it, stays true to the trust luffy's placing on him. he doesn't fight back, not even as nami watches and wonders why.

I sound like a broken record at this point, but OP's brought up in several and different circumstances the fact that luffy and zoro are actually pretty similar. they tend to behave the same way or echo each other's words even when they're apart, share similar views on death, on growing stronger for the sake of the ppl they care about, and more so when it comes to chasing and fighting for their dreams.

in the aftermath of the bar encounter, blackbeard tells nami that luffy and zoro actually won that fight. this includes a curious panel in which luffy reminisces both shanks and ace.

it makes sense why luffy shared this particular moment with zoro, when you think about it. those two are dreamers through and through, and if there's characters who can understand the importance of not only chasing those dreams but also keeping a promise, it's them - whose dreams they initially shared with ppl they cherished as kids and made promises to. for luffy there's ace and sabo, and shanks. for zoro it was kuina, then as an adult there was luffy himself. in a lot of ways, the straw hat is to luffy what wado ichimonji is to zoro. during that fight, bellamy represented everything luffy and zoro stand against both as characters and thematically speaking. and that, along with everything luffy's learned/come to know so far about zoro, is what he relied on. it's so good.

later, there's this scene with zoro and the rest, where nami wonders why zoro didn't go with luffy to face bellamy again:

(fun bit here is that zoro actually asked luffy before if he needed his help. it's a small panel but cute! he trusts that luffy can handle himself, as luffy told him he could, and knows there's no stopping him when he's made up his mind lol.)

whether zoro was referring to bellamy's strength or his lack of belief in/mockery of dreams, or both, it's clear he understood why luffy chose to do what he did and asked him to stay put back in the bar, and he could relate to luffy's motives as well. as I mentioned above, it makes sense why zoro in specific would, without luffy voicing them out loud.

the nicest part is how all of these moments are a product of the writing that's gone into luffy and zoro's relationship/dynamic. when luffy chooses to trust zoro with stuff like this, there's a chunk of context that precedes it (like whiskey peak). and when zoro decides to follow him, too, it's because his loyalty for and understanding of luffy has been continually built as the story progresses which is super compelling, and also wonderful to see.

#zolu #tp #long post #here I go again I knew I wouldn't be able to rest if I didn't type out the whiskey peak thing #anyway I hope this is somewhat coherent bc it's like. 1 am #love theeem. this also made me think again of blackbeard #so excited for the straw hats' eventual confrontation with his crew. he's so similar to luffy (and zoro to an extent) but in such #a different end of the spectrum at the same time #kinda insane that he was introduced so early on actually #ok this is less zolu but yeah #jay reads op

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atinylittlepain · 1 year

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Atlantic City

no outbreak!joel miller x fem!reader

Hungry Hearts masterlist

wordcount | 6.2K

warnings | smut, angst, the usual

a/n | hey y'all, we have reached the penultimate chapter. we're in for a little angst, but i promise i make it better with a whole lot of goodness. as always, i'd love to hear what you think, drop me a line, i'd love to chat. also, if i could offer a song specifically for the young joel sequences, it would be Downbound Train by Springsteen (who else?) alright, that's all.

..............................

gif by @santigarcia

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“She had a little oatmeal and a little applesauce, I think more of it got on her bib than it did in her mouth, though.” Tiny hands gripping at his shirt, he winces at the first sign of her impending meltdown, that small whimper of hers that always seems to come out in the mornings like this.

“Alright, Joey, that’s okay, I’ve got her.” Except she doesn’t, not yet, because Sarah is still clinging to him, tears starting to heat and dampen the side of his neck where her face is pressed as Deedee tries to coax her out of his arms. He’d like to cry too.

“I have class until seven, but I gotta run to the store too to get more formula. Shouldn’t be later than eight, ma.” It’s near herculean to finally untangle Sarah from him, a particularly loud cry striking through his ears as Deedee finally manages to scoop her into her arms. He’s learned that he can’t loiter, can’t look at her too much like this, because then that slick curl of guilt will take root and furl up his throat. So it’s a quick goodbye, a kiss to the crown of Sarah’s head and a lowly murmured love you, babygirl before he thanks his mother, who acts offended that he even tried to thank her in the first place.

He can still hear Sarah crying when he gets back in his truck. Deep breath, just one to smooth out the shake in his hands. And then his day can begin. The same day he has been doing for the last five months. They’re building new apartments off the highway toward Austin. Good work, honest work, at least that’s what people say when he tells them what he’s doing these days. He’s not sure where they get the good or honest from. Mostly, it’s sweaty and sore and simple. But it is good money, and lord knows that’s exactly what he needs right now.

She, no name, he’s been practicing no name for her, making the fact of her disappear from his life so it won’t be a problem when Sarah gets older, so just she. She left when Sarah was three months old. Not a word, not a note. Fine by him, because while they were certainly a mistake, Sarah isn’t, at all, not to him. So he’s working, making money, and in the evenings, chasing after a degree that promises something better for the both of them.

Traffic is stupid this early in the morning, crawling lights along the highway in the dusk still burning itself off with the hazy sunrise. He sighs, slumping back. He can sigh and slump now, no one watching, small relief as he rolls toward the job site. Another sigh when he sees that cars are even more jammed up because of an accident on the shoulder of the highway. He’s not one for the radio these days, much more interested in saving up slices of silences in between all the crying and sighing, though he still starts to flicker through radio channels, nothing better to do anyways.

“With us this morning, an up and coming author whose first novel has garnered a great deal of attention this year.” His hand stills, spine straightening out when the radio show host says her name. Her real name. And then it’s her, thanking the host for having her with an easy laugh.

The last time he heard her voice, he was standing in the front office of Thatcher’s with a phone to his ear and a hand held over his mouth to silence the quick sobs shaking his body as she spoke, as she apologized, as she said goodbye. The same and different. So very different. His ears rush with it, mind in a thick fog as the host says something about best selling, and new project, and some award that he hasn’t heard of before. And Cherry takes it all in stride.

She did it. She really did it. He can’t help the broken laugh that flutters up his throat, a quick burst of it that feels good only because it’s been so long since he’s had something like that, felt something like that. But it’s a quick radio segment, and she’s already thanking the host again, and they’re already taking a break for some commercial. Gone again. Sigh, slump.

Good for her, he thinks. Proud of her, he thinks. Did the right thing for her, he thinks.

And finally, traffic starts to crawl again, just another day.

…

“Yeah, uh-huh, I’ll have it ready to be sent by Friday. Look, I told you already that I’m not going to rush this one, okay? The first draft needs a little more time, just to Friday.” Often, when she takes phone calls in her office, she imagines what it would feel like to pick up her computer and smash it through her window. It’s a helpful thought exercise, keeps her from cursing out her agent at times like this.

“Alright, and– no, I saw the concepts you sent me and absolutely not. I don’t know how you can already be sending me cover art when you haven’t even read the fucking thing yet. I don’t care what kind of rush you’re in, I’m not going to accommodate it because, quite frankly, it’s fucking ridiculous.” Well, at the very least, she tries not to curse out her agent.

“Friday, no earlier and no later. And please, do not call me before then, because if I’m talking to you, then I’m not working, and if I’m not working, this fucking thing is going to take even longer. Okay? Great, thanks so much, bye.” Click, sigh. She has also imagined chucking her cell phone through the window, but that is a much less satisfying vision, so she settles for shoving it away in the bottom drawer of her desk.

“Mom?” She’s quick to stretch out of her slump at the sound of Ellie’s voice, swiveling around in her chair as she smooths out her scowl .

“What’s up, babe?”

“Is it cool if I go to the mall with Dina?” Dina, the center outfielder, right.

“Oh, yeah, do you want me to drop you off? I can–”

“No, that’s okay. Dina’s mom is gonna pick me up and take us.” Guilt starts to flicker between her ribs. This happens whenever she’s entrenched in writing. She blinks, and can’t seem to figure out where the time has gone or when the last time was that she and Ellie spent real time together. And though Ellie rails against it with a dejected groan, she can’t help but get up and pull her into a quick hug. Missed you, sorry. Love you, sorry. Ellie squirms a little, but still squeezes her back.

“Well, be safe, okay? And call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah, okay, I will.” Normally, this would be when Ellie bounds away before Cherry can get an I love you in edgewise, but instead, she stays standing in front of her, a small pinch between her brows.

“Are you, um, like– okay?” Cherry sighs. This again. This new thing again. Something that Ellie has started to do at the most unexpected times. Something that started after that day at the ballfields when their car got stuck in the mud and she and Joel shared some choice words.

“Els, what’s this about you asking me if I’m okay, huh?” She tries to say it light, with a small laugh, but really, her stomach is starting to sicken, because this is supposed to be her job, mom job, and clearly, she’s failing at it.

“I don’t know, I just– how come Tommy is the one working on the porch now?”

“Uh, well, I mean– Tommy and Joel are business partners, so they, you know, share jobs with each other.” It comes out stilted and stuttered, and she has to stop herself from wincing at the lameness of the excuse. For her part, Ellie doesn’t seem to be satisfied with that answer, brow still scrunched and mouth screwed up like she tasted something funny.

“But why isn’t Joel working on it, like, at all?” That all holds a lot more meaning than it should, and Cherry can’t help the sigh that slackens through her chest.

“I know what you’re getting at, and you have to understand that, well– we– Joel and I– there’s a lot of history there, Els. And it’s– well, it’s very complicated.”

“Do you think you guys are gonna work it out though?” It surprises her, if she didn’t know any better, she’d say that there’s a hopeful tilt to Ellie’s question and raised brows.

“I don’t know, but I don’t want you worrying about that, okay? Whether we do or not, I’m gonna be just fine, so long as I have you.” Mom brain, she can’t help herself, stealing another hug that Ellie rails against with a mom that sounds like she’s being accosted it’s so despondent.

Saved by the bell, or the car horn more like it, Ellie wrangling herself out of their hug with a quick bye, love you as she bounds through the house toward the front door. Sigh, slump, Cherry shuffles back over to her desk, steading her palm on the edge of it as she brings her other hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose.

The thing is, she is pretty sure that they’re not going to work this out. And that’s what she wanted, isn’t it? She’s not sure anymore. She’s not sure about a lot of things. For starters, why she really decided it was a good idea to move back here. Yes, New York was becoming no good. But then, forty-odd other states she could have chosen from. And no, too late to back out now, because Ellie has already made friends, somehow already managed to settle before school has even started. And there’s the house, and now this fucking porch.

“Hey, Cher?” Speaking of which, snapping herself back out of her slump.

“Hi, Tom, how’s it going out there?” The first time she saw him again, she was shocked by just how much Tommy Miller grew up and filled out. Joel mentioned something about him serving in the military, and it shows, she thinks. A little more serious, a little presence in the set of his shoulders. A far cry from the brash, bold, bumbling boy she remembers. The passage of time, and all that.

“Just got done with the finish, actually, if you wanna come take a look?”

“Oh really? Like, it’s finished finished?” It is, and it’s frustratingly perfect. Wood polished and still glossy, plenty of space for a table and chairs. She should be happy, or at the very least satisfied, so she isn’t sure why all she feels is a petty curl of anger rising like bile up the back of her throat.

“Wow, yeah, it looks– looks really good, Tommy, thank you. Is it alright if I pay you now? I just need to get my checkbook.” She’s already walking back toward her office, but Tommy doesn’t follow, rubbing at the back of his neck with a weak laugh.

“The thing about that, Cher, is that I’m under very strict, very aggressive orders to not take any money from you.” That anger flares at his words, a scoff in her throat as she crosses her arms over her chest.

“Oh, is that right? And just which hardass are these orders coming from, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“I think you’re, uh, pretty familiar with said hardass.”

“Uh-huh, right, I suppose I am.” She’s not going to let Joel win this one, turning on her heel to continue her warpath toward her checkbook, Tommy having no choice but to tentatively follow after.

“Cherry, seriously, I can’t. He’s gonna rip that check up the instant he gets his damn hands on it.” She doesn’t listen, dashing off her signature on the six thousand dollar check, though when she tries to hand it to Tommy, he tucks his hands deep into his jeans pockets, a frown pulling at the corners of his mouth.

“Tommy, I don’t know what kind of stupid game your brother is playing, but I refuse to participate. You did a job for me, and did it perfectly, and now I’m going to pay you. I don’t– I can’t have this hanging over my head, alright? Just take it, please.” She hates the warble that please comes out on, a thick flush of tears starting to thicken in her throat.

“It wouldn’t be hanging over your head, Cher. You know he ain’t like that.”

“Oh, do I? Because, honestly, I’m not sure what I know about him anymore.” Silence falls, a flash of something passing over Tommy’s face that she can’t place. He clears his throat before he speaks again, and when he does, it’s shockingly quiet.

“I still remember the day you left and didn’t come back, you know. And no offense, but it’s not because we were particularly close or anything.”

“Gee, thanks, Tom. I’m not sure what that has to do with anything though.” She regrets the sharpness of her words instantly, Tommy letting out a long sigh as he shuffles his feet in the doorway to her office.

“I remember because Joel came home that night. And back then, you’d be hard pressed to get him home unless it was Sunday and ma was ready to drag him by his ears over for dinner. But it was a Tuesday, and he came home that night, and he cried.” There’s no stopping the tears now, not when Tommy’s voice breaks, covering it up with a clipped laugh and a swipe of his knuckles under his nose.

“I don’t think I had ever seen him cry that hard. Jesus, he couldn’t breathe, and it– it just wouldn’t stop. At the time I was kinda pissed, to be honest, because he wouldn’t shut up, just wailing like a little kid.” All she can do to sit down in her desk chair, taking a shaky breath as Tommy toes his boot into the floor, trying to hide the crumple of his brow on his downturned face.

“And he kept saying the same thing over and over again, like he was trying to convince someone, maybe himself, I don’t know. He kept saying I did the right thing.” Her whole body shudders, sniffling back snot as her vision swims. She doesn’t know what all Joel has told Tommy, whether he knows just exactly what happened that summer. But the way that he’s looking at her now, frown slipping heavy down his face, earnest, honest, she thinks that he knows enough, has seen and heard enough to be giving her nothing but the truth.

“Not that I’d admit this to him, but I love my brother, really, I do. But, Cher, he can be a fucking idiot about stuff like this. And I know that he doesn’t deserve another chance for the shit he’s pulled, but I just– you gotta understand how much love he has for you.” What could she possibly say to that? For a moment, it’s quiet, both of them taking stuttered inhales and exhales, trying to breathe in the fact of what was just said.

“Tom, where is Joel working today?”

…

“You have to read this book. I’m about halfway finished with it and it’s so good.”

“Oh yeah? I don’t think I’ve heard of that author before.”

“That’s because it’s her first book, I think. But seriously, she’s totally a genius.”

“Hmm, I’ll have to check it out then.”

He keeps his smile hidden behind his palm, elbow propped on his desk as he listens in to the conversation between the two students in the row ahead of him. It’s her book, he caught a glimpse of her name on the spine of it. It both buoys and batters him, a strange feeling settling in his stomach as his evening class begins.

Something his boss recommended to him. A degree at the community college that will supposedly open up all these doors for him. At least that’s what he tells himself when he slogs over to the campus after work every night. Another year to go and then, and then. Something good, he hopes. For him and for Sarah.

The same thing every day. Get up at five, if there’s sleep to be gotten up from in the first place. Get Sarah sorted and driven over to his parents’ house and then get to work by seven. Work and work and work, a good seven or eight hours before he has to book it to class. Then class, something he never enjoyed, and especially doesn’t care for now, working hard at it only for the sake of getting out of it sooner.

Last week, Deedee had tried setting him up on a date with the daughter of one of the women she plays Euchre with every Wednesday. She even offered to take Sarah for the night, a smile so steeped in hope that it had made him feel a little sick. He had sighed and made a half-hearted joke, something about a date getting him here in the first place. A distraction getting him here in the first place.

Night is creeping in by the time he gets out of class, streets going dark save for the syrupy glow of house windows, of families sitting down for dinner. And he’s never late, always at his parents’ house when he says he will be, so just this once, just a little late. He goes to the store a little further away because he knows there’s a bookstore a block down from it, lucky that it’s still open this late.

And everything gets saved that doesn’t have to be spent, so just this once, something for him. They have her book on display in the front of the store. Exactly what he was hoping for, her picture on the back of the dust jacket. The same and different, all grown up.

He buys himself a copy, but he doesn’t open it, not yet, keeping it in his lap the entire drive back.

…

Maybe a little crazy, driving her minivan through an active jobsite, men stopping in their work to tilt their hard-hatted heads at her when she parks in the midst of gravel and sawdust right in front of the half-built house. But she’s too hell-bent on the task at hand to care much, marching right up to the nearest man and asking him where Joel Miller is.

“Sorry, ma’am, who are you again?”

“Who am I? Who am I? I’m someone important, buddy, that’s who I am. Now if you don’t tell me where he is, I’ll just start wandering all over this place and probably land you with an OSHA violation. So if I were you, I’d make this easier for both of us and just take me to him, thanks.” She can hear a murmur of snickers and yips from the other men working around them, and it seems like enough to get this guy moving with a muttered okay then.

She acquiesces to putting a hard hat on, something about an actual OSHA violation, before following the man into the bare bones of the house. Some walls are put up, and some are still only frames, saws whirring and nails guns firing all around her, a perfect swirl of work and the smell of cedar that she tries to skirt around as the man leads her further into the fray.

When she sees him, she thinks to herself that it’s not fair, the way he looks with a tool belt slung low around his hips, his t-shirt clinging to the shifting planes of muscle in his back as he leans over a workbench to look at a scroll of blueprints. No, not fair at all, her throat going dry with just how not fair at all it is.

“Boss, there’s a lady here to see you.” Boss, right, he’s the boss. Fan-fucking-tastic. Joel’s head whips around, immediate confusion scrunching up his face when he sees her.

“Cherry? What– what’re you doing here?”

“What?” It’s nearly impossible to hear him over the incessant sound of work going on around them, though Joel is quick to usher her away from the thick of things and into a half-finished room that she guesses could either turn into a bathroom or a closet judging by its size. It’s a bit ridiculous that Joel closes the door to the room given that one of the walls still hasn’t been put up.

“Why– how did you find me here?” She’s just a little annoyed at how inconvenienced he’s acting, his hand on his hip and his knee jutted out as he raises his brows at her. It’s enough to get her angry all over again.

“Tommy finished the porch today and refused to take my check, so I asked him where I could find you and tuck this fucking money into your hands myself.” She punctuates her words by taking the folded-up check out of her pocket and shoving it into his chest, but Joel doesn’t accept it, the slip of paper falling to the ground when she pulls her hand away. What he does next is far more infuriating though, not breaking eye contact with her as he bends down and swipes up the check between two fingers before promptly ripping the thing up far more times than it needs to be.

“Don’t try to write me another one, Cher, I’ll just do the same thing.” A bitter laugh slips up her throat, and before she knows what she’s doing, the heel of her palm is shoving into his chest. Except he’s bigger now, broader, so what once would have made him stumble now only makes him sway a little. All the more reason to do it again.

“You– fucking– ass– Joel Miller!” He’s still unmoving under her ministrations, each of her words coming with an admittedly weaker shove until finally, Joel says her name, a quiet plea. And she wasn’t supposed to cry, that’s what she told herself on the drive over here. Under no circumstances was she going to cry. Yeah, right, big blubbering streaks running down her face already. Her hands fall limp at her sides as she shakes with it, whatever it is. Easier to call it anger, but she knows that’s not what it is.

“Cherry, please don’t cry.” She wants him to reach for her, wants to feel his palms smoothing that shudder, and for a moment, it looks like he will, but his hands just hang suspended between them, like he has thought better of it. She wishes he hadn’t thought better of it.

“I can’t– I can’t do this. You make this so hard, Joel, do you know that?” His face falls, feet shuffling closer until the toes of his boots are brushing against her sneakers.

“What can’t you do?”

“This– this– I want to be with you so badly, but I just can’t.” She hates what a relief it is when he finally reaches for her, his palm resting along her jaw, the calloused pad of his thumb collecting stray salt.

“Why can’t you? I– I’ve been wanting you for a long time, Cher. We could do it, I know we could.”

“I’ve heard that before, Joel. And it didn’t end well.” She can’t look at him as she says it, her stomach sinking with the words. Because it’s true, after all. He sighs, a long, dejected sound that makes her tear up all over again.

“Will you look at me, please?” She doesn’t want to, and isn’t sure if she can right now, but he shows her how, his knuckles crooking under her chin, a soft please that she folds to, finally meeting his eyes with hers.

“I can’t change what I did in the past, Cherry. And it kills me that I hurt you, but I was trying to do right by you. I don’t know anymore if I did, and I don’t know anymore if it even matters. But what I do know is I never stopped loving you. And if you’ll have me, I’ll be yours until the day I die, and probably then some, to be honest.” A laugh at that, thick with snot, feeling good in the midst of all these tears. She curls her fingers around his wrist where his hand is still cupped along her cheek, a tug to come closer so she can rest her forehead against his, though there’s a small shuffle first, both of them pushing their hard-hats off, paying no mind to the clatter of them when her nose brushes along the line of his.

“Don’t make me a promise you can’t keep.” She says it quiet, almost reluctant, but Joel just smiles.

“Not a promise, just the truth. Reckon I’ve been yours my whole life. And I’ve been hoping you’ll be mine too.” Something blooms inside her, relief in opening up, in allowing even amidst that still-there grip of fear. Because he’s here, and so is she, and there’s plenty of time to prove that fear wrong, to get it right, now, here, in the present.

She doesn’t answer with words, just closes the space still between them, the easiest yes in the way her lips press against his.

…

He knows he needs to go in. Needs to gather up Sarah and get back to their shoebox apartment so the whole routine can start over tomorrow morning. But quick, he can be quick, sitting in his truck with only the faint slant of clarity from the streetlight to brighten the pages. He steals the first chapter just like that, quiet, mouth moving with every word. And it’s a peculiar feeling, like pride, though he knows he has know business letting that swell in his chest with the way things ended between them. It’s good, of course it’s good. Not that he’s some well-seasoned reader, but he knows good when he sees it, and she was always so good, he thinks.

He’s only twenty minutes late when he finally knocks on his parents’ front door, and though Deedee makes nothing of it, he still feels that guilt sickening and skittering up his spine, trying to tamp it down with kisses pressed into Sarah’s curls.

By the time he gets them home, Sarah is indignant, fussy coos humming in her chest, ready for a bottle that he still has to make. Muscle memory, auto-pilot, he heats it up with her in one arm and the book held in his other hand, plowing through half of chapter two before he finally has to set it down to feed his girl. His girl, his perfect girl. He has enjoyed doing this from the very start, one of the things he always felt he could get right, at the very least. Simple and sweet, all the motions of bedtime, a small mercy that she goes down easy tonight because he’s still thinking about the book he left splayed open on the kitchen counter. He doesn’t sit down, just simply leans over the counter to keep reading under the light above the stove.

Sarah begins to cry about an hour and a half later, and by then he has already finished half of the book, careful to mark his place before checking on his girl. His hands still shake sometimes with the reality of holding her, something so small and careful that he has to roll his shoulders back a few times after every diaper change, every close cradle, like his whole body braces for her, trying to be big and enough for her. And he should get some sleep now, he knows that. But he reasons to himself that he’ll be waking up in an hour or two anyways for her, so, might as well.

Just like that, for the rest of the night, back and forth between Sarah and his close huddle over the kitchen counter. By the time morning is starting to blush that pale blue through the curtains, he has read the whole thing.

And no, not his place, and no, he has no right, but he is proud of her. Proud that she got out, proud that she did it. And relief too, that maybe he did the right thing after all, even though it hurt so very much.

…

Maybe a little crazy, the both of them. She’s pretty sure she heard a few wolf whistles when she led Joel out of the house and back to her car, but she doesn’t care, and she doesn’t think he does either judging by the way he keeps rubbing his palms down the front of his jeans in the passenger seat, both of them sweeping their eyes over the half-finished lots of this new neighborhood, searching for the same thing.

“Wait, right there.”

“Right where, Joel? There aren’t any–” She doesn’t finish that thought, a gasp high in her throat cutting it off when Joel reaches across for the wheel and veers her car right off the street and into an empty lot. The only reason she doesn’t press the brake is because she’s too stunned to move, letting the car roll into a thick copse of trees. She’s only snapped out of her stupor when Joel huffs out a right here, stop, stop, Cher, bringing the car to a stuttering halt. It’s all she can do to laugh as she looks around at the perfectly secluded spot.

“You always did have a talent for finding places like this.” He grins crooked at her, still leaning over the console with his hand on the wheel.

“Yeah, well, you– just c’mere.” Not pretty, not at all. A little greedy and a little desperate, her elbow beeping the horn as she scrambles over the console, Joel groaning when her knee lands a little too close to his crotch before she finally settles in his lap. He holds her by the hinge of her jaw, opening her mouth with his and taking everything she has to give. And in turn, she seeks out more however she can get it, one hand in his hair tugging when his teeth nick her bottom lip, her other hand bunched into a fist in his t-shirt. And it should be good, except it’s all so scrunched up in the passenger seat, and her legs are bent at such an angle that when she tries to grind her hips down onto his, she ends up with a mortifying cramp in her hamstring.

“Oh fuck.”

“I know, Cher, me too.”

“No, I mean, my– my leg is– I need to get up, it’s–” Joel finally seems to get the hint when she lets out a hiss of pain, quick to open the passenger side door so she can hobble down off his lap, tenderly trying to stretch out her leg in a graceless hop. Luckily, it seems to sort itself out, though Joel still gets out of the car, making her heart do something strange when he holds onto her hip with one hand as he rubs out the muscle in her leg with his other palm, squinting up at her and murmuring a question, that better?

“Y-yeah, thank you. We could– the backseats go all the way down.” He’s a sight, eyes big and blown out, lips parted in a swollen little pant as he looks at her.

“Right, let’s– let’s do that then.” She makes quick work of cranking open the sliding door of the minivan and folding the backseats down, plenty of room to assure that there won’t be anymore cramping crises. When she turns around to usher him into the back, Joel is quick to stamp a hard kiss to her mouth, a breathless laugh punching out of her lungs when he pulls away.

“Sexiest thing I’ve ever seen, Cher.”

“Well, if you liked that, just wait until I put the seats back in place.” His smile splits, all boyish in the way his eyes crinkle up. And it’s all graceless fumbling from there, both of them crawling into the back, leaving the door cracked to let in the late summer breeze, though she can already feel sweat sticking her shirt to her back. Not that it matters though, not when they’re both making quick work of each other’s clothes.

Her want wills, and he answers in kind, letting her press him back, bare for her, heart beating for her as she settles between his legs, already taking him into her mouth, salt and sense, all him making her hum low in her chest.

“Jesus, look at you– so fucking pretty like this, Cher.” He’s one to talk, she thinks, chest flushed to blaze all the way up to his cheeks, his eyes heavy and hooded looking down at her as she laps at his leaking tip before taking as much of him as she can into the heat of her mouth. Though he doesn’t let her work him over for long, a petulant hand curling around the nape of her neck and a breathy baby, baby, c’mere coaxing her up, both of them sighing when the swollen ache of her cunt grazes along his length.

“Like this– I want it like this, Joel.” Her lips drag the word up the arc of his throat, sealing them with her lips slanting over his.

“It’s all yours, Cherry. I’m all yours.” They move together like they never stopped in the first place, all quiet communication in the press of their foreheads, eyes turned down to watch as she sinks down onto his throbbing cock, a high sound stopping itself in the back of her throat as her hips settle against his. For a moment, just this, the tight peaks of her nipples grazing his chest with each broken breath, palms smoothing along skin only to grab greedy handfuls where they can. And then the quiet murmur, good? Yes, so good. Moving with so good simpering up and down her spine, a moan breaking in her chest with the first pass of her hips against his.

He lets her find the rhythm first, his mouth hot and open against the side of her breast, all coaxing, all consuming with the way his hands grip at her ass. Everything turns hazy and humid in their close press in the back of her car, skin slick and sticking, chests fluttering with hard pants.

Not so young anymore, either of them, getting a little ahead of their own pleasure because she can already feel it snaring and snapping in her pelvis, that liquid languor that turns taut so fast. And of course Joel can tell, bringing his hand to curl around her hip so he can drag messy circles against her clit, mouth open and pleading against hers.

“That’s it, Cherry, take it for me. Fuck, I wanna feel it, just like that.” Her breath catches in her throat, that searing snap that slackens everything else, his name on her next exhale as everything melts down around her. Just him, and the close grind of his hips up into hers that’s snarling on the edge of too much, cracked whimpers with each thrust that she bites back, wanting his pleasure just as much as she wants her own.

“Baby, baby, so good like this. Want it so bad, want you so bad.” Her lips slide against the shell of his ear, crooking into a grin when he groans at her words, his grip on her tensing and tightening as he comes, warmth spreading and sating.

All tangled up, their bodies slacken and slump, splayed out in the back of her car as they both catch their breath. Joel’s head tilts up when she huffs out a laugh, breath fanning over his chest where her chin is resting.

“I don’t think that was the smartest way we could’ve started this new relationship thing.”

“I think we’re pretty far past new relationship, Cher.” She hums at that, no real argument, settling instead for a kiss pressed into the bare patch in his scruff.

“You know, Ellie asked about you.” Joel’s eyebrows shoot up at that.

“Seriously? Thought that kid hated me.”

“Mm, I think you won her over with the diarrhea joke.”

“Well it certainly worked on you.”

“Unfortunately.” He huffs at her dig, laying a mean squeeze to the crease where her ass meets her thigh.

“Unfortunately, none of that, Cherry baby.” Ease, all ease in their shared smile, settling back down around each other with a sigh. They’ll have to untangle soon, leave soon, back to reality soon. But for now, this time with him, all the time to say what she wants to say to him.

“I never stopped, you know. I think that’s why I came back, at least partly. I was hoping that you hadn’t stopped either.” Her cheek rises and falls with his breath, Joel trailing his finger along her jaw to coax her eyes back up to his.

“I didn’t, Cher. Even when I didn’t wanna admit it to myself, I was waiting for you, hoping for you too.”

................................

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#joel miller #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x reader #tlou #tlou fanfiction #joel miller angst #joel miller fluff #the last of us #joel miller smut #joel miller story #joel miller series #joel miller au #joel miller fic

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miss-sweetea-pie · 1 year

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I just saw an interesting maiko post. I didn’t want to comment or reblog because I figured that person didn’t want to have a discord considering the tags and some times tumblr recommended things to you. I probably wasn’t meant to see it honestly, But now I want to talk about it.

It was about how Zuko and Mai are just teenagers who don’t understand each other sometimes and then fail to communicate.

Also about how Mai’s emotionless trait collides with Zuko’s need for emotional validation and Zuko’s controlling possessiveness collides with Mai’s need for freedom. But they care for each other that doesn’t make them a bad couple, and Mai is not a bad girlfriend.

Honestly it a really good way to frame the relationship. I would also call it incompatible, maybe even toxic? it doesn’t make them bad people, but sometimes people do bring out the worst in you. Technically, this is true for Zuko, considering he went back to the fire nation, and he started dating Mai at the same time. Mai is the first person we see him speaking to after betraying his uncle and the show wants us to know he made the wrong choice. Mai is use as a narrative tool for Zuko’s lack of support in the fire nation,he’s miserable when he goes back home, and the one person, you would think he could connect with, his girlfriend, is cold and emotionally withdrawn. The show used Maiko to explore the the emptiness of being home in the fire nation, the empty promises of fire nation glory he been chasing and it doesn’t resonate with him anymore, also the impossible standard of gaining conditional love. (Sorry but Maiko is Zuko centric so it does makes Mai hard to read at best and abusive at worst)

I don’t deny that they care about each other in someway they’ve known each other since they were children, it’s safe and comfortable. but love is not enough. Honestly most toxic relationship in irl continue because they love each but they are not good for one other. Zuko and Mai they don’t understand each other and it seems like they don’t really want to understand each other. That’s the problem. (Mai mostly).

Maiko is really just a toxic cycle of their needs not being met

This scene where Zuko want to talk about his feeing and open up to her

Mai: *yawn* I just asked if you were cold not for your whole life story.

(Not going to lie, that was funny but it’s still a very dismissive thing to say, especially to your partner.)

Zuko is actually a little bit more sympathetic when she tells her “sob story” he didn’t yawn

Zuko: I like when you express yourself.

(her being off and on with her anger. Is like a metaphor for him being in the fire nation, trying to make something work and it’s not working. Constantly feeling like he said or does the wrong thing)

and It just bubbles over until they finally blew up

Zuko’s possessiveness is a reaction to after he feels like he has done all sorts of stuff to please her. it’s zuko reaching his breaking point. Boy is really insecure in this relationship because the feed back he gets from her is contempt. Sure we could argue and say that doesn’t make mai a bad girl friend maybe this is just her sense of humor or personality. well, it doesn’t mesh well with Zuko therefore, they are incompatible, and a bad couple with each other.

( also Zuko is not nice here that’s kind of the point he hads regressed in his character arc so to speak.)

and then they get back together by making out.

Sure she says she cares but why when did she actually show it? Actions speak louder than words! We never get a moment where Mai gets it and really understands him.

#anti maiko #anti mai #just to be safe #zuko #they deserved better #pro zuko #pro zutara

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kidnappedbycartoons · 1 year

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I'm bored, so it's time to talk about Zutara. Again. I already talked about their connection while in the catacombs.

But what about after that?In the beginning of book 3, they are apart for the most part. Something interesting to me is that right after Zuko helps Azula defeat the gaang, he's on his way back to the Fire Nation and Mai comes to talk to him. She asks him if he's cold, to which Zuko begins to open up a bit. He tells her that he has a lot on his mind, he wonders what has changed, he wonders how he has changed. Now, we have never seen Zuko open up like this before. Actually, no, scratch that. We did see Zuko open up like this before when he was in the catacombs with Katara. And how did she respond to this? With warmth, with understanding, with compassion. But how does his canon love interest respond to this? She yawns, tells him to stop worrying, is sarcastic, and then kisses him. Do you not see the difference?

In the following episodes, the gang is hiding in the Fire Nation. I just want to point out these episodes because, I'm not saying that it was her talk with Zuko that influenced a part of this, but it is very interesting to see how involved Katara gets with the Fire Nation. She is excited to wear their clothes, she participates in the dance, she helps out the people in the village by donning a disguise heavily associated with their culture, etc. I just want to point this out, because a common criticism about them as a couple is that Katara would want nothing to do with the Fire Nation due to her trauma and it's like...baby, did you watch the show?

Now, when Zuko tries to join the gaang, obviously he's turned down. What's interesting is that, out of all of them, Katara is the one most against it. Which makes sense, she feels personally betrayed by him. She even admits that after their conversation in the catacombs, she felt sorry for him and trusted him. We all remember that conversation she had with him at the end of the Western Air Temple episode. This Katara and Catacombs Katara are different. If Zuko said that he wanted to join the gaang at the end of book two, I'm almost positive he would not have gotten this threat from Katara. We all saw that episode. We saw how they connected. We saw how they opened up to each other. No, he would not have gotten that threat from Katara. The reason why she is like this towards him is because she feels personally betrayed after she trusted him and opened up to him while they were in the catacombs. The pirates, the necklace, chasing down the Avatar, those have nothing to do with this. It is because of what happened in those catacombs.

Interestingly enough, for someone that doesn't trust him that well, she definitely has no problem letting her brother and the Avatar go off with him on missions alone. And each time they came back, they were fine. With these little adventures, she was slowly starting to see a new side of Zuko. Another thing, which should be apparent in the GIF above this paragraph. In the Southern Raiders episode, when Zuko is falling from the sky, who is it that reaches out to catch him? Katara. The one that trust him the least out of the group. The one that feels personally betrayed by him. The one that threatened to end his life. She is the one that reaches out to catch him. And it's in her character, I cannot see her willingly letting somebody fall to their death. But, I just want it very interesting that out of all those people on Appa, it was her that reached out for him.

I'm not going to talk about the whole episode here. I could do a whole breakdown of that. But I just wanted to bring up these moments here. It's the little things.

#atla #avatar: the last airbender #zutara #atla katara #atla zuko

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percico-sea-of-darkness · 9 months

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Imo Nico saying "You're not my type," and skipping away to see Will was Nico trying to preserve some of his pride/dignity.

I mean, his actions throughout PJO & HoO are literally love confessions. He chooses Percy, turning his back on Hades, and only goes back to Hades on Percy's request. Nico sends his friend to help Percy in hell (literally more than anyone else did to help Percy). He sticks with the Argo II crew despite literally all of them besides Hazel being extremely rude/unsettled by him for Percy.

So it's like. Nico has laid his heart bare for Percy? But Percy is in a relationship with someone else and Nico doesn't really know what Percy thinks about him - other than being convinced that Percy doesn't love him. So he's pulling himself together and trying to show that no, he's not hung up on Percy. He's not pining. He's not crying over the one sided love, and feelings of rejection. And by playing his feelings as less serious than they actually are, he's enabling himself to continue to have a friendship with Percy - since by playing off his affections as a crush rather than painfully in love - it's less awkward that Percy don't return his feelings. So they can move on and resume their friendship. That's imo anyway. It was self preservation. @hermesmyplatonicbeloved

Oh, totally!

Sorry for responding until now, but I haven't been able to be very active on my networks lately :)

But bringing up this topic, if I had been in Nico's position, I think I would have done something very similar, if not the same. Imagine this situation: Having to be Perc#beth's spectator. That not only did they practically all their missions together, but important gods, such as Aphrodite and practically the ENTIRE fucking camp, did everything possible for Perc#beth to finally come together. And seeing firsthand how Percy practically gave his all to the people he cared about (Nico never really realized how important he was to Percy, since haha I think it's obvious to anyone in love and hurt), and Annabeth being territorial with Percy just gave Nico the idea that the two of them just can't be, it doesn't work, it's impossible. His low self-esteem in conjunction with the pain of losing his loved ones, his loneliness and all the pain he had to go through to protect Percy was enough for him to not only start wanting to lie to himself and others in order to get some relief to his pain. And besides, he was so used to people pushing him away, that the first guy who practically forces him to be by his side is obviously the person Nico is going to cling to, to say "I'm getting over it" when in reality he's not.

So. Nico gave too much, and wanting to feel better about everything he had done, he "he confess no confess." I'm a witness that not telling your feelings to a person can cause you a lot of problems, since there was never really closure. Your mind is always thinking about 'what if', even if you don't want it to.

So the best way for Nico, and I think for any sane person in his situation, to not generate even more pain than one already has and not put oneself in a compromising situation is to confess not confess: Totally minimize your feelings, saying that they are from the past and something temporary (giving the other person to understand that you became interested but you don't have any problem now, that the unilateral nature of the situation doesn't bother you at all.)(HAHAHA its funny because it actually does). And even more so being in Nico's situation, that practically seconds before confessing, Percy boasted about his future with Annabeth. That was the final blow. It's a total NO to Nico, and like a normal person, he saved what little dignity he had left (you know, the whole situation with Cupid and what follows) and left with the only person who was behind him (because obviously Nico would be tired of just chasing, it's normal to want to be chased, but that's not a confirmation of romantic feelings, it's just a need, and more of a lonely and 'needed of love' person). So, I totally agree.

#nico di angelo #percico #nicercy #percy jackson #jacksangelo #pernico #nico x percy #percy x nico

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keikakudom · 5 months

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Lemme try and make sense of Vox's mindset, and correct me if I get anything wrong?

I think Vox in RR!au hardly actually thinks about suicide. He's too much of a busy man to do that, after all! Thinking about death is for people with too much time on their hands, who don't have to deal with a billion problems on the daily. And sure, maybe it wouldn't be a terrible accident if he was locked out on extermination day one year (not that there's exterminations anymore), but he'll never bother to actively seek it -- why would he? He has things to do. Empires to run/build. Deals to make. Resorts to run, residents to settle, princesses to talk to.

Really, everything would be just fine and dandy, as long as progress is being made, nothing goes wrong at the resort, heaven doesn't come down for no good reason, and that deer freak manage to not bother him for a single day. All dandy!

So what if he's been going through business ventures like someone going through Doritos at the back of the car? It's difficult to stay on top, in Hell, and he can't rely on tech or media forever, not when they cycle faster and faster(and he would know, of course, his whole body is made of it). He's doing what it takes, and if it's risky, what business isn't?

And re: Alastor, vox may have once had feelings for him, but now it's probably soured into maybe wishing that Alastor would just fuck off somewhere where he'll never be heard from again. I think Vox knows very well from years of companionship that Alastor considers him a source of amusement and entertainment rather than an equal, and that hasn't truly changed even after he left, and in a way that has to bite? That Alastor cannot leave it alone, has to make his opinions and disdain clear to all of hell every single day, and also make it clear that vox cannot do anything to stop him (that tv still runs on radiowaves fundamentally, that he can't get rid of Alastor's influence).

Like the way I interpret canon!vox's feelings re:alastor has a lot more insecurity and the desire to show he's stronger now, he's over it, he doesn't need him, than just being rejected romantically, and in contrast RR!vox grinned and bore it longer without letting on, and then at some point just gave up, by which time his feelings have soured so far past insecurity and bitterness into straight up nihilism. (Doomed yaoi my fav)

Ok I'm just rambling now but yeah I think vox in RR!au is really really interesting? Bc he's y'know not in the best place but also he's fine. He's not, probably never, going to actively do anything, left to his own devices he's just going to keep at his daily routine and eventually self-destruct on his own hubris by taking on far more than he is capable of (people pleasing tendencies, hm?). But otherwise he's fine.

*drops my glass of milk* yea, this all. Checks out.

(that tv still runs on radiowaves fundamentally, that he can't get rid of Alastor's influence)

I think RR!Alastor is also chasing RR!Vox because he knows something is really wrong when Vox wants to cut something *fundamental to his functions* out from his life... If Alastor had any heat to his words, he could do some serious damage to Vox.

But Alastor was not able to reciprocate back then(or in general) the way Vox ever wanted him to. Alastor might think, "What's so wrong about being amusing to me? What's so wrong in being cared for that way?" But we know that Vox, even in canon, is pretty damn emotional. A confession was bound to happen, but since RR!Vox never did, he opt'd to shut them off. It started off with distractions, and those worked too well. Eventually he gave up trying to figure out his emotions and took the "easy" way out, nihilism--but like everything Vox dips his foot into, it's never enough. Only this time it's not only power(like I interpret canon!Vox to seek) that's growing/he's greedy for, it's this all-encompassing void.

Another interesting characterization to tack onto RR!AU Vox is his strong lack of self-preservation, I did mention it here when I had some thoughts on canon!Vox, but rather than "confidence", he does not care. And on occasion, he can go irrationally, batshit crazy for the same reason.

Let's set the stage in hmm, 1980s? He starts not to care about smaller allies, the people he stomps on, eating them up to become an overlord. Recruits Valentino, doesn't care that Val is immoral. At first it's "not his business", but it starts spreading. What is it that he's looking for? Power? Love? Entertainment? People to accept him?

Which is why RR!Vox decided to jump the gun a little bit and shoot for becoming a form of "GOD", aka the original reason for all his anguish in Hell(his religious roots as a human). It's kind of...an endpoint? It's not the most sane, or sensical route-- but he doesn't care that much. He's functioning on this tired/desensitized, pseudo-robotic, logical reasoning with a combo of "oh god I'm running out of interest"(in existing/running himself to the ground). So....hm, "fine" is a tragic word, indeed.

He's not, probably never, going to actively do anything, left to his own devices he's just going to keep at his daily routine and eventually self-destruct on his own hubris by taking on far more than he is capable of (people pleasing tendencies, hm?). But otherwise he's fine.

Welllll, he did always want to go out with a bang. If he did. I don't know, something really big. Like becoming God! Yeah.....That'd do it.

IMO, the premise of RR!AU isn't in stasis-- the reason Vox picked up this project in particular is an aggressive move. He's no longer distributing the same amount of work to the other Vees either anymore, so there is....some urgency, is what I like to think....

#au: reset resort #ask #flonautilus #oh goodness this is. depressing #i like to suspend belief and think #alastor knows this #is there anyone to latch onto a sliver of hope #is there even hope left #ooooo spooky #that atticwife ask has! not! left! my mind!#lmfao as you can tell.#i wish i had the same enthusiasm for my essays as i do with hypothetical vox #“hardly ever thinks about suicide” is not inaccurate to describe him #though I would say it's also like. an overarching thing in the background creeping behind him #*aggressively plays 'Nothing Left to Lose' again*#CHARLIE HELP HIM #Edit: >“nothing goes wrong at the resort”#I think.... errors or mistakes are things that get close to being the straw that break the camel's back #Like a big wrench thrown into the system thats's like #“OH SHIT” but suspends the workaholic mode just enough to. Think about it.

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hearteyesblog · 2 years

Text

James Wilson X Reader

Pt.1

Rehab and Romance

Details: (y/n) gets admitted to Princeton after accidentally over dosing. She and House went to the same rehab at the same time which makes for an interesting time at the hospital.

(This is my first fan fiction/ x reader thing I’ve ever written but someone had to do it)

I lay there in the hospital bed. Staring at the ceiling just counting the lights in the room over and over again until I think of something new to think about. I have no visitors, on account that no one would show up because I don’t really talk to anyone. I break out of my thoughts when I hear the glass door open to my room. I look at the person who had entered and it’s some very handsome guy. He looked like he should be on a magazine not a hospital, matter of fact almost every doctor in this building looked too good to actually be true it was insane. I look him up and down as he starts walking over the clip board that hung over my bed. He must have introduced himself because when I look up into his eyes from the clip board I was looking at he’s looking back at me like he was waiting “I’m sorry what did you say? I’ve been spaced out the whole time” I told him and he shook his head “No problem. My name is Dr. Chase. I was just gonna ask you a few questions if that’s alright with you?” He asked. Oh his Australian too? Where’d they get this guy from. “No, I wouldn’t dream of telling my doctor anything” he looked at me confused but I rolled my eyes with a slight smile on by face seeing that he didn’t catch my joke. “I’m just messing with you. Go ahead” I told him and he smiled and nodded. “Alright then” he said as he listed on a pile of random questions about my health and other random factors.

When chase was done asking me questions he went to leave “Hey hold on” I stopped him. “Dr. House is your boss right?” I ask him. He nodded with slight hesitation at first “More or less” he responded. I nodded and looked down to my hands “I know he’ll say no but if you can, ask him to come down and see me. Tell him it’s (y/n) (l/n)” i asked then looked up into his eyes. Chase smiled and nodded. “I’ll try my best” a few seconds of silence. It looked like he was about to leave but just as he turned around he had stopped. He slowly turned back to me “If you don’t mind me asking.. how do you know house?” Chase asked curiously, a little nosey but with a person like house you got information about him almost never. “I uh met house..in rehab ” I said slowly and with shame my face looking not so proud of the words I just let out. Chase nodded. “I haven’t seen him in years, kinda miss the shit head” I told him and he let out a light laugh, amused by the words I said because he could only agree that house is a shit head. “Well like I said, I’ll try my best but House doesn’t really visit his patients” Said Dr. Chase then he made his way out.

I waited in that bed for so long. Hours passed. Nurses came and went, the doctors also came in every once in a while just to check up on me. Even at midnight there is no house, I assumed he just wasn’t gonna come down. Just when I was about to close my eyes to sleep I saw House walking to me through the glass wall. My eyes shot open for a second in shock, I didn’t think he’d actually come. I relaxed when I realized how stupid I must look. Just as I thought House was gonna come in I saw him talking to another doctor in front of my room. He wasn’t even here to see me, he was just looking for that doctor. The nerve. I look around the room and grab a random pen they left and I throw it at the window, not to hard but enough to make a tap noise to get houses attention. House and his friend both look in my direction and I just wave and mouth a “hi”. House rolls his eyes and sighs heavily making his way to the door. His friend follows him, the pure confusion on his face. “Looks like you are a doctor” I said and looked him up and down “Either that or you just got of an over dose check out” I said to him making jabs at him. “Looks like you already did all that for me” he said taking a jab at me. He was right though, I was here because I decided to get pill happy. “I’m guessing you’re still on those pills too” I said tilting my head in curiosity. I watched as his pupils didn’t move at all. He raised his eyebrows in fake impression “what gave it away?” He asked sarcastically and I looked him up and down “Everything” I said. I looked over at his friend, looking him up and down. I didn’t take the time to really look at the other doctor with brown hair and puppy eyes. He was stood there silently looking at house then he looked over at me, making eye contact.

I smile at him getting a good vibe off of him. He’s also very handsome which helps. Not a Dr. Chase type handsome, Chase is very Magazine model, red carpet kind of handsome, this guy was sweet romantic star lit dinner, midnight whispers type of handsome. He looked like the embodiment of the word Romance, like the type of guy to give you roses and lead u to surprise dates.

I realize that I’ve been staring at this guy for a while “Well since House isn’t gonna introduce us I guess I will. The name is (y/n) and yours is?” I wait for his response and he snaps out of whatever daze he was in “I’m Dr. Wilson, nice to meet you” he said and I nodded “You too” I said and House just looks awkward to mess with us “Well as much as I’d really love to see you guys eye fuck each other in front of me, I have a job to do” House said as he starts to walk out “It was nice seeing you House” I said to him before he walked out the door completely.

He looked back at me and tightened hips lips together and raised his eyebrows in response then left. Wilson stood there awkwardly for a second “I should go to” he said in matter of factly. “You and house seem to be good friends” I blurted out and he looked at me in my eyes and shrugged. “He meddles, I stay for it, yeah I guess” he said “If you don’t mind me asking how do you…” he began then started to drift off as if he was trying not to offend me by asking “I met him, in rehab” I said and Wilson nodded slowly understanding “Heart breaking truly that he never even mentioned me once, after our strong bond of drugs” I joked and Wilson laughed lightly, his smile looking so nice. “Well don’t take it to heart, he doesn’t say anything about himself to anyone” Wilson said comforting me but I already knew that about house. “Trust me I know, took me forever to get him to tell me why he’s in that cane” I said.

I looked at Wilson’s facial features, slowly examining them. I looked at his hands to check for wedding ring but found nothing, I slowly look back up at him “You single?” I asked out of the blue, Wilson looked taken a back, he looked almost flattered. “Yes, I am. Why do you ask?” He asked me tilting his head a little and slightly raising an eyebrow. God even his voice sounds romantic. “So I don’t feel bad when I tell you that you are the most romantic looking guy I’ve ever seen. You’ve got something going for you” I strangely complimented him. Dr. Wilson’s eyes slightly widened at the unusual compliment, he looked a little flustered by it. “I’ve never been told that, thank you” he responded whilst trying to hold back a smile. So he’s sentimental too. “I should really get going though, it was nice to meet you” he said about to head out “Very nice to meet you to Dr. Wilson. Hope we’ll meet again soon” I said slightly flirting with him but also being serious. Wilson smiles “have a good day” he said and walked out. With a face like that I wish he wasn’t so professional.

#dr james wilson #james wilson #dr wilson #gregory house #greg house #dr house #house md #house md imagine #james wilson x reader

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cipheress-to-k-pop · 1 year

Text

I'm rewatching Ben 10 UA and I've got a bone to pick with Aggregor

He's a good villain, don't get me wrong, but there's something about his whole arc that just irks me

The season starts off pretty well, with us finding out that Aggregor has kidnapped 5 aliens from their home planets with the intention of absorbing their powers

Why, you may ask? Well, he wants to absorb them so that he can gain the abilities to go after what he truly wants, the mcguffin

If you need a refresher, the mcguffin is the Map of Infinity

I usually don't mind when a show or a season is built around this artifact that the audience has never heard of and a sudden lore that's created behind it even though I know it annoys alot of people

I really couldn't care less that this was never mentioned before because it's meant to be top secret

Kevin mentions in the episode Map of Infinity s1e11 that he thought it was just a myth, meaning that, to a certain extent, people knew about it

So, I put aside my argument about Aggregor knowing of it's existence. I'll just assume that he found the legend interesting so did some further research only to find out that it's actually true.

That's a fair reasoning.

Now this map will lead him to a place called the Forge of Creation, the birthplace of Alien X, where he wants to absorb the powers of that alien and gain some form of omnipotence

But the problem lies in the fact that the map of infinity was divided into 4 pieces and hidden by Professor Paradox

This is actually a really great premise and I like everything about it

My problem lies with it's execution

My first grievance, HOW THE HELL DOES AGGREGOR KNOW WHERE THE PIECES ARE?!

The pieces are hidden in Mikd'lty, Piscciss, Legerdomain and the Perplexahedron, respectively

Now, I'm REALLY going to try and give this the benefit of the doubt

Let's assume that the pieces of the map can guide you, so if you have one piece, it can lead you to the other pieces that are scattered across the universe

This would explain why Ben and the gang have no idea where the pieces are and usually just end up chasing Aggregor to wherever he goes to find the piece, as seen for piece 2 and 3 s1e13e14

My problem is how the hell did Aggregor know where to find the first piece?

If Paradox really did hide the piece and he's the only person in the entire universe that actually knows where the pieces were, how the hell did Aggregor know where the first piece was?

The thing I found odd in the case of the first piece was that, oddly, Ben and the gang were the first ones to go after it. I'm thinking that while Ben was on the planet of Mikd'lty, his omnitrix acted like a beacon for Aggregor to follow

In which case, this would mean that there was no need for Ben to go there at all because Aggregor didn't know where it was and he wouldn't have found it out unless Ben hadn't gone there first

And you're telling me Paradox and Azmuth didn't know this!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?

IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE

PARADOX IS THE ONLY BEING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE THAT KNOWS WHERE THE PIECES ARE

EVEN AZMUTH DIDN'T KNOW

HOW THE HELL DID AGGREGOR KNOW WHERE TO GO?

My second problem, the perplexehedron

That's a really good episode if I'm being honest, I love the traps and the logic behind it

But my problem starts with the fact that Aggregor is simply let in by the place because he has 3 pieces of the map

WHY!?

WHY IS A PLACE THAT IS DESIGNED TO PROTECT THE FINAL PIECE FROM SOMEONE WHO IS COLLECTING THE PIECES ALLOW SOMEONE WHO HAS THE OTHER 3 PIECES AND IS CLEARLY COLLECTING THEM GO THROUGH NO PROBLEM?!

like you'd assume the pieces of the map are enough to guide him through the perplexahedron but no

He faces the same traps that Ben and the gang do and even reaches the final piece after them

SO WHY LET HIM THROUGH IN THE FIRST PLACE

I JUST DON'T GET IT

and then he does manage to get all 4 pieces and you think that all is lost because the forge of creation is hidden from everyone except those who have the map

BUT WAIT

Paradox knows exactly where it is and can thus take Ben and friends there

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

Like Paradox is the most annoying character to ever exist

IF YOU KNEW WHERE THE FORGE OF CREATION WAS WHY BOTHER WITH THE MAP

WHY NOT JUST DESTROY THE MAP?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO HIDE IT AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE?! LIKE WHAT WAS THE POINT

I ACTUALLY DO NOT GET IT

if someone understands why please let me know

So long story short

Paradox knew where the forge of creation was and hid it, creating a map that can show it's location before dividing it into 4 pieces and hiding it across the universe

but for what? if he already knew where the forge of creation was, why create a map to find it later anyway? like you already know where it is and if anyone wants to go there, they'd have to run it by you first

WHY BOTHER WITH THE DUMBASS MAP

AND WHY DOES AZMUTH KNOW ABOUT ALL OF THIS?!

like that was another thing i never understood

why does azmuth know where the 4th piece is hidden?

I get that he's the smartest being in 3-5 galaxies but he's hardly king of the universe

why does he get a free pass?

someone tell me

because I'm not able to concentrate on this season without getting annoyed about all of this

also, let's not forget that this could have all been nipped at the bud? If you remember in Alien Force s3e11 Kevin and Mike Morningstar stumble across the Dominus librium which can be used to take away an Osmosians ability to absorb shit

So had they used this they could've taken away Aggregors ability to absorb it before he ever absorbed those aliens and problem solved

But, you might say that the dominus librium was just an artifact used in that one episode and never mentioned again, a problem that a lot of shows face but NO

THEY BRING IT BACK AGAIN AT THE END OF THE SEASON TO HELP SAVE KEVIN

SO WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT

#ben tennyson #ben ten #ben 10 #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 omniverse #ben 10 af #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben ten ultimate alien #ben ten alien force #ben ten omniverse #ben 10 series #ben 10 fandom #ben tennyson x reader

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imsailorpluto · 2 years

Text

True Beauty: Kang Sujin character reconstruction

They did out bestie so dirty in this drama, it's time to clean up writer's mess. I don't think Sujin ever deserved such overkill. Turning her into a villain way after the opportunity window closed was so pathetic. Massacring this heroine in such a cliché way calls for serious damage repair, so let's goooo.

Disclaimer: I'm not a writer and this is my first fic ever. English is not my first language, sorry for eventual mistakes. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it.♡ the story sounds better in my head but what can we do Thanks @youlookprettywithoutmakeup for sending in a request for Seojun x Sujin content. Also a big thank you to the gifmakers who blessed us all with this inspirational seojun x sujin perfection!

TW: angst, losing friends, mentions of bullying, verbal violence and family abuse

Seojun x Sujin angst

After Sujin moved to the States, the real truth behind that bullying video came out. It was never Sujin's doing, but she left all her friends believe what they wanted. Her life was pretty much crumbling down from the abuse back home and her parents' divorce lawsuit. It felt like the whole world turned its back on her. The final blow was when Seojun accused her of posting that bullying video of Jukyung. Then Jukyung facing her about it, too. Being the only one who's always had her friends' backs, she was hurting more than ever.

- Fine, Seojun, let it be me. Does it even matter? I'm the bad guy. Nobody trusts me. Not even you. I could bend over backwards defending myself for something I never did and it won't change a single thing.

- Something you never did? Get over yourself, Sujin. I know how you feel about Suho.

- Wait, do you seriously think I'd do something as disgusting as that because of a guy?

Seojun smirked hearing those words, shaking his head in disbelief.

- And since when do you think I have feelings for Suho??? Don't you know me?

- Obviously I don't.

They stood there, staring at each other in silence. Sujin's heart was breaking into a million pieces, but she wasn't showing any emotion. Seojun was cruel, even if he didn't mean to be this way. His constant hot and cold behavior towards Sujin confused her, but after he started showing interest in Jukyung, she gave up on him.

-Sujin, I went to Yongpa High, none of those girls knew a thing about the video.

- Wow, congrats! You must be proud of yourself. Trusting Jukyung's bullies... Seriously?! Like you don't know their queen bully is into you.

- Just like you're into Suho. I saw you two hugging.

- You saw that?!

- Yes! I did!

- Then you saw me crying like an idiot too. Great.

- Wait... What?

- I quit the music academy, okay?

- Are you crazy? Why would you do that?

Seojun stood there, his eyes wide in confusion. He couldn't believe his ears. How could she not tell him any of this sooner? After all they've been through. After all those moments she helped him get over their friend's death. Weren't they close enough now, why wouldn't she confide in him?

- You don't know everything, so don't act so smart. Besides, Suho isn't even my type, you pabo. He just saw me crying at the staircase.

- Then explain one thing.

All she could think about was how did she end up in this mess. Now all of a sudden he wants to talk to her? And he's acting all innocent about it.

- I have nothing to say to you, Seojun. Even your lousy accusations can't touch me. If anyone ever did anything bad then it's you chasing a taken girl.

- I wasn-

- Let me know when you stop projecting your problems on others.

- No, you got it all wrong, I don't have feelings for Ju-

- Stop it. I'm tired of this. I don't even care anymore.

He looked at her in silence, heart hurting as well. He couldn't admit his feelings to her like this, not now. He knew he did so many stupid things to catch her attention, but he didn't think it would backfire like this. He also knew something wrong was going on, but her stare was hurting him. He couldn't read her face at all. She looked cold. Serious. He felt like her eyes were literally piercing him.

- I did it. Okay, Seojun? I did all of it. Go spread the word. Oh wait, you did that already.

Frustrated and disappointed, she confirmed the rumors. She didn't want to fight back anymore. It was the first time in her life she considered giving up for a change. Like it mattered, she'd be moving to the States soon. She has already lost everything and everybody she hold dear. This was the last time two of them talked before she left Seoul.

She never told Seojun about her father beating her, she was ashamed of that. She also never told him her father was against her attending the music academy, she was scared that if she ever started talking about it she'd end up telling him everything. Suho was the only one who knew about her family situation, but only because he saw her bruises one time and asked her about it. He promised to keep her secret and she never confined in him again after that. All three of them have been friends since early childhood and she didn't want to do something that might push either of them away.

Sujin was always an artistic soul. She was great at pretty much everything once she set her mind to it. Her singing skills were always advanced, even before she started classes at the music academy. She outperformed almost all of her seniors. No matter the talent, she had to quit singing. Father's orders.

"Singing won't get you to medical school, you're only worth as much as your grades, don't show up home until you come to your senses and quit that idiotic nonsense of yours."

So she quit at the time only to save herself from unnecessary pain. She was done with covering her face full of makeup for school and popping painkillers like candy. It was much easier to quit, at least until her mom got them both out of that mess finally.

Her mom managed to get a divorce eventually. She swore she'd take care of her daughter properly this time, so winning the lawsuit against Sujin's father played a crucial role this time. And she won, which left her with their huge family mansion worth billions of dollars. Sujin's father got a restraining order from court, and after the lawsuit they never heard from him again. Her mom sold everything and they both moved to the States, where Sujin enrolled in music academy once more. Their life was pretty much comfortable, but they've always stayed humble.

Sujin knew she had to go back to visit her friends at Seoul at some point, especially since she was getting so many texts and calls from her two ex besties ever since she left. News on what actually happened and who was behind the video incident spread like fire and cleared all guilt off Sujin. Yet she couldn't get over the fact that all of her friends judged her so quickly. Sooah disappointed her a lot, she never backed her up, not even once. While Jukyung surprised her more than anyone. She was the only one who never believed Sujin did anything wrong, not even when Sujin directly told her it is her doing.

Even though she wanted to spend hours on the phone with Jukyung, and let her know about everything what happened, cutting everyone off seemed rational for the time being. Everything was still too painful for her and she needed more time to heal from the chaos. Falling into unhealthy patterns was no longer an option. Sujin's habits have changed drastically ever since she moved to the States. Volunteering as a math tutor and martial arts teacher was all she did when she wasn't studying. Her taekwondo classes took place in the early mornings, and math classes in the evenings. Slowly, it got her thoughts back in order.

It wasn't until Seojun texted her a whole month after moving that she felt that pit in her stomach again.

Seojun: I'm sorryx Sujong I shoudlvew known

- What's with this pabo? Ah, he's drunk again.

Sujin: Hey Seojun, I hope you're good. I know you've sent me that txt accidentally. Stay well and take care. Don't drink and ride that Ninja of yours, ok?

A few days passed until he finally responded back.

Seojun: Where r u, I need 2cu. Sujin: I'm out of the country, actually. Let's catch up over a video call one of these days, ok? Seojun: Naah, txt me whn u get back :P

She wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to hear his voice. She needed him to be there for her, just like she used to be there for him long ago. If going back there was ever an option, she needed to get better fist, on her own. Thoughts of being back in the city where it all went downhill made her extremely uncomfortable. Besides, her feelings for Seojun confused her, it was too much all at once. This time, she decided to let him go for good. Maybe next time their paths cross, things turn out different.

#true beauty #kdrama #seojun x sujin #true beauty seojun #han seojun #kang sujin #jujin #kdrama fanfic #true beauty x reader #true beauty fanfic #true beauty imagine #hanseojunxkangsujin #true beauty angst #omo i don't know tagging this thing like is this enough? xD #imsailorpluto

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magicspacedragon · 8 months

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After finishing watching Hazbin hotel I need to talk about the differences between Angeldust’s song addict and the song poison. I was sad to see that they had replaced addict as his background song with poison because I feel like it has far less depth of character in general but after seeing the animation they chose to go with for posion I have some concerns.

The first thing I noticed was the difference in how they portrayed his struggle. I thought that in Addict the flashing between the bright and flashy colors of him on stage and the dark stained bedroom with him crurled up crying with Cherrybomb comforting him was heartbreaking. The color palette changes to show the dissociation and warring feelings that mirrored Cherry and her visions of another man were artistically superior to the shock value of posion where they never left the bright sexy landscape and rellyed heavily on shock value of sexual assault by large men.

The animation of posion was dynamic and complex to watch but there was no subtlety whatsoever. Whereas in addict you caught the emotions in flashes to the bedroom and micro expressions the most violence was shown in Valentino forcfully kissing him, in poison there was on screen sexual asalt from valention and strong implications that many of the other porn scenes where at the veary least dubiously consentual. When Addict showed that those messages could have been gotten across without such shock value I don’t know why they decided to go with the more triggering option.

Now I know Hazbin and Hell of a boss are not known for subtlety they curse and fuck and kill with wild abandon and i would never want to take that away from the show. However I think making it more direct took away a lot from its impact. The fact that the entire music video stays in that cany colored porn studio and the only dyanimic is between him smiling and him in distress even though it was more graphic I felt like until the very end where the singer's voice breaks the distress doesn't feel as real in a way. In Addict we were seeing into his head and there was an implication that it was what he was thinking about on stage even when he wasn’t in physical danger where Poison tends to save the emotional reactions to when he is actually having sex.

This leads me to my next point. I feel like Poison relys so heavily on the sex and later BDSM nature of his shoots that it implies that the sex/kink is the problem and not the exploitation. Sex work 100% has problems with exploitation so I can only imagine that is intensified in literal hell. However This idea that the sub in kink or in gay relationships in general is not really enjoying the play is a damaging stereotype. It looks striking in the music video and adds interesting costumes, but the visuals of more monstrous larger men forcing a relationship feels like they are pulling on some of the same ideology's that are used to spread fear about kink or gay relationships. I don't think the team has anything against gay relationships we have seen plenty of queer in there shows but that does not mean that these ideas can't still slip in.

However in the case of rape it feels explotitive. While the push and pull of an abusive realtionship can lead to I love you I hate you moments, the scenes where he was in pink chain dancing into him before the more violent scenes had an implication that he was “asking for it”. The interaction litteralhy starts with “i can only Blame myself.” These are definitely emotions that victims feel around abusive situations but having the lines in an upbeat catchy pop tune leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Overall I feel like Addict had a very engaging story about how addiction can become an inter demon that can get you into dangerous and abusive scenarios chasing that feeling of high. While poison reads to me as making a choice to drink in poisonous situations even if you know that they are abusive. I could go on a whole other rant of how removing cherry and his support system removes an interesting dynamic that set it apart from the save the sex worker trope, or how ending the video with him being trapped on the balcony rather then blowing up a building removes the only bit of agency he is given but this has already gone on too long. No hate towards the team. I just needed to get this off my chest.

#hazbin hotel #angel dust #tw abuse #tw sa #tw rape #Addict music video #poison music video #valentino

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onehundredandeleventropicalfish · 2 years

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and further on that last post actually - tragedies by their nature pull everyone in, not just the central character

and desire in brief lives fascinates me because the creature who is made up of wants, never satisfied, has to have everything, is faced with losing all of it

like, dream i've talked about before. desire pushes dream around and laughs at his misfortune but they've never actually tried to kill him. they know their plans won't ever be good enough to legitimately overpower him, desire does what they do so dream will respect them, and also (according to an interview with mason i very much agree with) so dream has something to occupy himself with - if he's chasing them and getting angry over their challenges he's not getting stuck in his own depression again, and if they genuinely manage to get through to him and change him maybe he'll be okay

(not to say desire is genuinely helpful, usually they're not, but there's only like one difference between the doll's house confrontation in the show and in the comics, and that's in the comics when dream gives the whole spiel about how the endless aren't better than humanity desire goes "i don't understand". and that's a pretty common thing with them, most of their actually evil/terrible/unforgiveable acts come from not really getting that humans are people, so they don't care about the hurt they're causing. the family problems arise because the other endless do. but at least in desire's head, they're helping)

and this time they see that dream's on a genuinely dark path and they don't want to lose him (or cause any other consequences, will get to that in a minute), so they do their absolute best to stop him

but because desire is so rarely actually helpful, because desire thinks dream's romantic problems are funny, because they're casually cruel and dream doesn't believe desire could ever care about anyone, desire's kinda dug their own grave here. dream doesn't listen.

and that dark path (here's our aforementioned consequences)? finding destruction.

now i go back to the end of doll's house a lot with desire meta, but it really is so informative as to who they are. they're so scared that everything in their life is going to fall apart, but they're really good at pushing things out of their mind and not thinking about it

and destruction is one of those things they don't think about. his leaving broke the rules and broke the family and so desire locked every feeling they had towards their brother away and decided he didn't exist anymore

dream and delirium looking for destruction is dangerous because the endless are both literal and metaphorical like that, you can't seek destruction and return unscathed. but it's also dangerous because it threatens to open that box that's been locked shut and hidden for centuries. and desire no longer knows what's inside. so they panic when delirium starts investigating, and even more so when she tries to recruit others, because delirium's already broken once, she can handle breaking again. but the elder three? break any one of them and you upset the order of everything

maybe desire's warnings would have worked if delirium asked death or destiny. but she asked dream. so desire's poisoned relationship with dream coming back to bite them isn't just hurting dream anymore. it's possibly hurting the whole family. and it's their fault.

and then there's despair

now, despair has an interesting arc in brief lives too. it's subtle, but this is the one time where she stops following desire around, because she and desire disagree on this one. desire wants to forget that destruction ever left, return to 'normal' where things are fine and they don't have to think about anything they don't want to, but despair never wanted destruction to leave. despair misses destruction greatly. so when delirium says she's going to find him, even if despair ultimately says no to coming with, she wants to see her brother again, and later wishes she'd said yes instead

and that's a schism in the twins' relationship, the only one we've ever seen

which means this line is no longer true

and desire, whose safety net is that they have a twin, who feels secure in the fact that no matter what happens, despair will be on their side, suddenly realises that they don't have that either.

in my opinion, desire's primary redeeming quality, the only thing that stops them from qualifying as absolute villain, is that they care so much about their family. their methods are extremely questionable at times, i'm not saying i approve, but as far as desire is concerned, everything they do is for the benefit of the family. (also confirmed by mason in that interview)

except that destiny doesn't talk to them. death disapproves of them. dream, who they thought would always be there to challenge them, is headed down a terrifying path and desire isn't enough to stop him. destruction is gone and desire burned that bridge long ago. they tried to reason with delirium and failed. and now despair is ignoring them

for the first time in potentially ever, desire is entirely alone.

(and desire has so rarely considered mortals worth their time. but this is the next time we see them. and i do wonder if that isn't directly related)

#that said i do also think about how when we first see the threshold it's described as far too big for one person but only one lives there #further similarities between dream and desire: constant self isolation #desire just never consciously registered it as a problem until they have no one left to talk to #the sandman #desire of the endless #despair of the endless #dream of the endless #mine #meta #sandman comic spoilers

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sopejinsunflower · 2 years

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a/n: Ironically, I got this idea while listening to Fukaimori by Do As Infinity. Please read the translated lyrics if you’re interested. Also, I started this as a drabble actually. I don’t know why I always write angst :’)

Summary: Kim Seokjin wants to chase his dream of exploring space. It’s all he ever wanted. And you only ever wanted him but you will not stand in between him and his passion. But there is a secret that you kept, too afraid it might hold him back.

Pairing: Kim Seokjin x you

Tags: Sci-Fi AU! Astronaut Jin! Childhood lovers AU! angst, drama, heartbreak, read only if you want to feel sad. Bittersweet ending.

Word count: 7k

“It’s so wide it’s kind of scary, isn’t it?”

“I think it’s beautiful.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, and one day I’m going to be among those pretty lights.”

“You are a pretty light.”

– – –

Jin’s eyes blink open and it takes him a while to find his bearings, remaining on his bed a little longer, staring up at the ceiling. He can hear his work partner moving around in the next room before he hears the man exit. He should, too, even if he rather pulls the blanket over his head and just disappears.

Getting out of bed, he gets ready to start the day. The first place he visits is the kitchen to get some caffeine into his system. He remembers dreaming but can’t remember what the dream was, only that it left a foul taste in his mouth and an unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Morning,” Hoseok greets, standing in the middle of the kitchen area with a mug in both hands. He doesn’t look like he had a good sleep either.

“Morning,” Jin replies, taking out his mug and pouring himself a good helping of steaming coffee. He stands there, blowing the coffee to have it cool down a little before taking a tentative sip. He looks up at Hoseok, who is buried in some research papers. “Is that a new one?”

The second-in-command nods, not looking up. “Yep. They have a new location for us to check out. I’m just checking to see how much bullshit is in this one.” He rolls his eyes but focuses back on reading, eyebrows knitting together, mouth downturned.

Jin chuckles. “Well, have fun and update me later if there’s anything worth noting.”

He leaves Hoseok and heads towards the front of the Freljord, the huge long windows that line the walls showing him the dark and vast universe outside. A big fat nothing, you used to tell him when he would send pictures earlier in the first year of his voyage. He used to argue with you about it, trying to educate and explain to you that it’s not nothing but a whole new possibility of finding a new planet to call home. That is Freljord's mission, started seven years ago when everyone on board had been excited and full of hope.

Now, not so much, Jin thinks as he enters the main control room, or the cockpit. He finds Namjoon there, looking at a chart hovering inches from his face, the soft glow casting his face blue. “Anything of note?” he asks as he steps up to his chair in the middle and starts up his console.

Namjoon shakes his head. “Nope. Nothing much. Just,” he looks up towards the big glass window ahead, “forward, I guess.”

“Hoseok got some new materials,” Jin says as he busies himself with the blue screen that illuminates holographically in front of him, moving his hands deftly across it in front of his face. “Maybe he’ll have some new coordinates for us.”

Namjoon hums a response before putting away the chart with a flick of his wrist. The two men sit in silence, both tending to their own tasks before Namjoon sighs. Jin glances at his Chief Navigator. “Problem?”

“No,” replies Namjoon with a shake of his head. “Just…”

Jin fully turns around. “What is it?”

“Sometimes it just gets to you, you know,” Namjoon says heavily, rubbing the point in between in his eyes. “It just feels…pointless.”

Jin doesn’t reply but turns his chair back around, looking at the hologram in front of him but not really seeing anything. He understands exactly what Namjoon is saying because he feels it, too, more so recently. It’s just one of those days where he wakes up with the thought of you at the forefront of his mind, unable to push you to where you should be, at the back of his mind, buried with time. His shipmate is right; it does feel pointless. Seven years in space with nothing yet command centre still insists on going further out.

And every year, Jin only grows bitter and bitter. The project was only supposed to be a five-year plan but in the fifth year, a research paper came out about the possibility of finding a habitable planet in Andromeda and they were ordered to head that way. The excuse was that Freljord is advanced enough to make the trip, the first craft to reach the edge of our galaxy in half a decade! So it must be able to travel towards Andromeda, right? With a few stops along the way, because why not, right?

Jin is starting to think that the command centre forgot that there are real life humans in this spaceship, that this isn’t their own science fiction novel that they can write however they pleased. But Jin doesn’t have the power to turn them down. If they turn back around, they’ll be welcomed back as traitors. He had been subtly warned as such.

According to the calculation, they should break into Andromeda’s galaxy in a few more years, five the maximum, three if they’re lucky that nothing gets in their way. But judging from the asteroid shower six months ago that deviated them from their straight path by a year, three years seems unlikely.The idea that they all might just die in space is growing more and more solid in Jin’s mind, the Freljord forever floating, lost in space.

It’s Jin’s turn to sigh, heavy and long. He goes back to his console, typing and clicking on certain things to make sure the ship is running smoothly. Hoseok comes in a few minutes later, a bagel in between his teeth. He removes it before speaking to Jin. “So basically, they want us to head on to this new coordinate.” He points to a long string of numbers on the paper.

“And you don’t look too happy about it,” Jin notes, looking at his face.

Namjoon comes over to peer at the coordinates and his face scrunches up. “Are they fucking with us?”

Jin lets out a humourless laugh. “They’ve been at it for a couple of years now I thought you’d notice.”

“This is way out of our way,” Namjoon points out, annoyed. “This would set us back from the main mission, like, two years the least!”

Namjoon throws himself back into his seat, face buried in his hands. Hoseok gives him a sympathetic look but turns back to Jin. “It’s not set yet. This is just their proposal. But from the sound of those papers, it might already have been decided.”

Jin rubs his temple with two fingers. “And what’s over there?”

Hoseok bites the inside of his cheek before answering, “Water.”

Jin regards him through a frown. “What the fuck.”

The other man shrugs. “Seems like another craft researching asteroids found traces of it.”

“The same ones we passed by six months ago?”

“Seems like it,” the second-in-command answers. “And according to their calculation, this would be the general direction where they came from.”

Jin shakes his head. “That doesn’t make sense. They want us to head straight to an asteroid belt for all we know. Can you reconfirm?”

“Already did. Might take a while until we hear back, though.”

Hoseok watches his captain contemplate, his forehead creasing over. Jin throws his gaze back outside to the abyss in front of him. Honestly, he’s not thinking of anything much. His mind is blank. To him, two years or five years don’t make much of a difference now. Any motivation that he had at the start of this mission to go home and resume the life he left behind is long gone. There’s nothing left for him back on Earth, therefore, nothing left for him to lose. To go or not to go no longer bothers him. But he still has other people to think about, crew members of seventy to weigh in on that decision. They are his main concern.

Hoseok recognises that blank expression well. “I’ll call for a meeting with all the heads during lunchtime.”

The captain merely nods.

***

The seven chief officers sit around the table.

Jin sits in the middle and Hoseok and Namjoon on either side of him. The Communication Officer, Min Yoongi, is to Hoseok’s left and the Chief Science Officer, Park Jimin, is to Namjoon’s right. Kim Taehyung, the Chief Engineer and the Chief of Security, Jeon Jungkook, brings up the total of the leaders on board. Each man is responsible for at least ten other crews under them but the whole weight of the ship falls on Jin’s broad shoulders.

Hoseok finishes the debriefing, keeping it short and simple. He now poses the main question. “We need to know if all of us are in favour of going off route to check out this supposedly new source of water or if we should just remain our course for Andromeda.”

“I say we stay on course,” Jungkook offers first. “We’re already in the second year of a five-year plan for Andromeda. I rather we don’t lose any more years on something so vague.”

Kim Taehyung nods. “I agree.”

“But what if we do find it?” Jimin implores, looking around the table. “The possibility of being the first to find water in space! Imagine that! I say we go check it out.”

“If we do, we’ll be set back by two years at the least,” Namjoon adds. “Would that still be okay?”

Jimin nods. “So what? We’ve already been here seven years. What’s a couple more?”

“Easy for you to say,” Taehyung argues. “Some of us have people waiting for us back home. I promise my fiance at least five more years. Five more years and I’ll be home and I can marry her.”

Jimin pulls a face. “I told you to break it off before we go onto the ship. You’re just stringing her along at this rate.”

“Fuck off,” Taehyung growls. “A playboy like you wouldn’t get it.”

Jimin opens his mouth to retort but Jin slams his fist on the table. “Enough. I’m giving three days for each of you to explain this to your crew and come back with a unionised decision. Majority wins.”

“Come on, captain,” Taehyung pleads. “Let’s not. Let’s tell Command we don’t have enough resources to prolong this voyage. The craft behind us can do it.”

Yoongi nods, agreeing. “It’s their area of study anyway.”

“Their craft isn’t built like ours,” Hoseok interjects. “They wouldn’t make the trip nor would they even make it further out of the Kuiper Belt.”

“Which is why this is coming to us,” Yoongi concludes to himself, silently understanding. Freljord is one of a kind, a miracle created that couldn’t be replicated as close as to the original. It’s high-tech, advanced and self-sustaining in terms of fuel. Shaped like a sperm, the front part is a spherical globe with a bridge connecting a smaller-sized one that makes the tail where the engineering team is.

“Truthfully,” Namjoon pipes up. “I’m with Taehyung on this one. I want to go home, Captain. Don’t you?”

Jin is caught off guard that the navigator would target him, staring at Namjoon like a deer in headlights. Somewhere in the distance, he can hear Taehyung saying something about Jin having left a girlfriend back home, too, so naturally, he should be on their side. But Jin’s mouth is dry. They knew he had someone before they started this mission, he had talked about you, had even had a few grainy video calls with you with them present, had always run back to his room to check for mails from you every night without fail.

Suddenly, Jin is brought back in time.

– – –

“When are you leaving?”

You looked at him through wide, teary eyes, standing at the kitchen island of the apartment you shared with him. He stood on the other side, arms hanging limply on both his sides. He had anticipated that you’d be upset but he didn’t think it would be this bad. He had excitedly come home to show you the letter of acceptance for the Andromeda mission, unable to hide the wide smile on his face. You had read the letter but your face had crumpled. By the end of it, your eyes stung by how much tears are pooling in them.

“It’s a good opportunity,” he had said, trying to convince you. “It’s once in a lifetime and there’s only one spaceship that can do this. It seems I’m the only one compatible to steer it and they need me. It’ll be good for-”

“Is that all you care about?” you wailed. “That they need you? What about me, Jin? What about us?” You waved the letter in his face. “It says here it’ll take ten years. You’re going to be gone for ten years!”

“I know, I know,” Jin tried to placate, putting his arms around your waist. You pulled away moving towards the kitchen, the letter still scrunched up in your fist. He followed you. “Baby, it’s ten years maximum. It could be less. This new spaceship is something no one has ever seen before. It’s much faster, much more-”

“I don’t care, Jin! I don’t fucking care how fucking awesome the ship is! I don’t want you to go!”

You were fully crying by then, leaning against the island top as you tried to get your breathing under control. You placed one hand against your chest, feeling the pain about to rip you apart. You know that he’s been training for this, dedicating most of his youth to the space centre in hopes that one day he’ll get to go. And now he could but you didn’t think the day would come and that it would come so soon.

“When are you leaving?” you asked through shaky lips, your voice barely coming out.

Jin scratched the back of his head. “Well, there’s still more training to do and-”

“When?” you insisted.

Jin studied your face, feeling his hands shake. Mere hours ago, when he received the letter, he had been almost bouncing in his seat, unable to focus on anything except to go home and break the news to you. But now, the excitement had dissipated, replaced with nothing but a heavy feeling in the pit of his stomach, the kind that made him think that his heart had fallen out of its place. There’s a lump in his throat and he swallows it. “Next year.”

Your face fell once again, crumpling to the floor as your body heaved with every sob. Jin rushed forward, collecting you in his arms and pulling you into his lap. He didn’t have any words to say, didn’t know what he could say to comfort you. He thought you’d understand but understanding and accepting are two very different things, he realised.

Jin knew that as much as this news had been an amazing one, something no one else has ever done before, it’s also something very agonising, now that he’s actually thinking about it. But the pros outweigh the cons, he had selfishly thought. All his life, he had wanted nothing more than to be able to go into space on one of his own missions. He had dreamt of this since he was a little kid, since they were little kids. All those nights of camping in the backyard of your house in the small tent your dad pitched up counting stars, you both had talked about it. Or at least he did.

And you had been supportive of his dreams. You had been the one person in his corner to push him to go into astronautics after high school, the one person who helped him study for exams when he thought that he couldn’t do it because it had been too damn hard. You were the person that packed his lunch on days when he had been too tired to even remember to eat, painstakingly shaping the sausages and eggs and sandwiches into little stars and moons and a rocketman. You had cheered the loudest when he got accepted into the Aerospace Research Institute, taking him out to dinner at one of the most luxurious steakhouses in town. It had cost you three of your part-time paychecks to pay but it had been worth it.

A week after his first paycheck, Jin finally had the balls to ask you to officially be his girlfriend but it had almost seemed that that had been the case for most of your university lives, you two joined at the hips even when you were studying at different universities, that it felt natural to just say yes. He bought you a promise ring three months later and you both had planned out the rest of your lives together. Not once did it occur to both of you that it might not come. Not once did either of you ever doubt a future together, the names of your kids picked out and carefully written in a journal you both shared.

Not until that night of the acceptance letter. It felt like the whole world upended for you, ripped out from beneath your feet. Is this what it felt like for Jin to be in that zero-G simulator day in and day out? Because to you, it feels like nothing is reliable anymore; up is down, left is right, right is wrong. It made you feel like throwing up, your head spinning from the sudden unknown of what’s to come. You didn’t like it and you hated that Jin went to work living off of this feeling. He loves it so much he’s willing to leave you behind for more and that's what hurts the most, unfair as it was.

If truth be told, you never expected for Jin to go into space, not that he was incapable but that it had been difficult to be picked. And it’s not everyday that they were sending people into orbit. When Jin told you about the Andromeda Project, you had secretly doubted it. No other country had ever had the technology to make such a craft that can easily travel into interstellar, never mind one big enough to carry close to a hundred crew. But the Andromeda Project had been going on far longer before Jin joined and by the time he had enough experience and knowledge and whatever else requirements needed, it was time to start choosing and training the right people.

Even then, you had your doubts. According to your brother, Hoseok, the competition was tough and they usually go for those with no young family left behind. Jin might not have a family but he wouldn’t abandon you, right? Only you were wrong. So arrogant you were to think that you could compete with his childhood dream, so you relented.

“Okay,” you said, one night as you were getting ready for bed and Jin was propped against the headboard, reading an article on his iPad. He looked up, confused. “Okay,” you said again. “I’ll support you.”

It takes a moment for Jin’s brain to finally click, throwing down the iPad and crawling over towards your side of the bed. He hugged you from behind, pressing lingering kisses on your shoulder. “I promise it’ll go by faster before you know it.”

You didn’t believe him. Who would? Space exploration is the one thing that no one can really tell on, especially one like the voyage he was about to embark on. It’s never been done before so what precedent can anyone refer to? Everything is a blank slate and yes, he would be making history. You’re proud of him for that but at the same time bitter that it had to be him who goes. What’s worse, Hoseok got in, too, so you’ll be left all alone, the one left waiting.

Jin could see how much you were trying to play the supportive girlfriend role. You never complained about his late nights, you never asked more than what you wanted to know, never burdened him with anything you can handle yourself. You took care of his lunch and supplements and as the months went by, you took care of everything in regards to the household, everything so that Jin didn’t have to think of anything else except his oncoming mission.

And the busier Jin got, the heavier your heart grew. When you had a falling out with one of your close friends, Jin didn’t hear about it. He didn’t have to, his mind was preoccupied enough already. When your mother called one day asking if you were still with him when he was going to leave, you had hung up on her. You cried yourself to sleep because you couldn’t distract him. He needed the rest, he needed the clarity. All that he needed, you gave it to him and with that, he never noticed that you were barely keeping your own head above water as you held him afloat.

Three months before his take off date, Jin went down on one knee. The ring he proposed with had been his mother’s, tweaked to have a new diamond installed, a diamond that resembled the north star. “So I know where I’m heading to. You are my last destination,” he had promised. You said yes, because what else could you have said? Like the rest of the issues that were building, this was one of them that he didn’t need to contend with, not when he was about to leave. The preparation had been tough and Jin was stressed out enough, hardly even home for him to notice the change in you, both mentally and physically.

The first year of the Freljord take off had been excruciating. You only received two emails forwarded through from ARI; one from him and one from Hoseok. It’s the year that they had gone into cryosleep. Jin’s email had been a long one, detailing all the little things saved up in his heart that he never had the chance to tell you while still on Earth and all the little details of his voyage so far, the latter more than the first, and that was when you knew.

But a year wasn’t long enough for you to be sure. You were a good girlfriend so you waited, giving it more time, hoping that with time, you can learn to accept reality. But the next email came almost three years later when he was finally awake again. Moving on was harder than it sounded. It wasn’t an actual break up nor a death but a sort of limbo that your fiance might or might not return. You wanted so much to let him know but it never seemed appropriate to tell something so important via email so you waited for a video call chance.

Video calls are much harder. His crewmates would sometimes pop in and out of frame to say hello, teasing him in the background. But the worst part was the fact that Jin looked happy. He would talk on and on about the ship, the crews, the vast nothingness he could see out the window, none of which you cared for. He did not, in fact, ask anything about the life he left behind. The video calls were short, too, more static than anything else, so never a good time to bring up the subject of the one thing he should know about. But letting him know could cost him the project so you couldn’t do it, didn’t have the heart to.

When you’re on a spaceship that travels on hyperspeed, time completely changes between space and Earth. In his excitement, Jin had completely forgotten about this one important fact. And that was one of his many mistakes.

– – –

Hoseok, who knows more than the others, pulls their attention away from the captain. “Jin already said majority wins. So go back to your units and let us know in three days. We’ll decide from there. Meeting adjourned.”

The others left, talking among themselves but Jin remained at his seat. Hoseok stays next to him. He doesn’t speak, letting the older man decide for himself whether he wants to share whatever that was on his mind or not. Hoseok and Seokjin have been friends since high school, too long to even count the years now. He could tell right away this morning when Jin came into the kitchen that something was wrong and had been wrong for a while now, at least for this past month.

“Is it y/n?” Hoseok broaches, growing a tad bit impatient. If it is, then Hoseok can worry less. If it’s something to do with the mission then he should know about it, too.

Jin slowly looks up. His eyes are clouded over, making it hard for Hoseok to read his best friend. What in the world is he hiding? What is it?

Without speaking, Jin takes out his mobile pad from his belt, swipes around on it and then passes it over to Hoseok, looking down at his lap. The Chief Officer silently takes the device and looks at the screen. The first thing he sees is the sender’s name: y/n l/n. The body of the message is short. A simple, ‘I’m sorry, Seokjinie.’ There’s an attachment at the bottom and he taps on it. At the sight of the image, Hoseok whips back around to Jin.

“When did you get this?”

“Last month,” Jin croaks out, still looking down. When he speaks again, his voice breaks. “The further away we are from Earth, the longer it takes for messages to arrive.” The tears flow, dripping down Jin’s face and into his lap. He has yet to raise his head.

Hoseok looks back down to the picture. He recognises it, receiving the same one in his email at the same time Jin did, he bet. He hadn’t said anything to the captain, didn't know how. But Jin also had been quiet, too quiet, he thinks but if the man wasn’t ready to talk about it, Hoseok isn’t the type to push. Now, he thinks he should’ve.

Yes, the further away they move from Earth, the harder it is for any communication to happen between Command and the ship. It just takes longer for anything to arrive. Not only that, Freljord moves at the speed of light, warping the concept of time for all its crew. If Hoseok’s calculation is correct, this email is five years late, which means-

Jin’s crying grows harder, sobbing so hard he doubles over. Hoseok can only put one hand on the man’s back, rubbing up and down but not really doing much to calm his friend. Jin had never experienced such pain, his chest aching so much he wishes he could tear his skin off if it alleviates the hurt. Jin has always been good at bottling his feelings, he’s done it his whole life. He’s not an emotional person (wouldn’t be able to be an astronaut if he was).

When you were kids and he skinned his knees from falling over his bicycle, you were the one who cried while he stood there stoically as his mother slaps on a cartoon band aid. When Hoseok would get angry at him for hogging the PlayStation, he would just drop the controller in the midst of the boss battle so Hoseok can have a turn. When you were angry at him for something he had said, he had sat there calmly listening to you ranting at him why it was the wrong thing to say, mentally noting to not say it again. When you had broken down over the news of his acceptance to the Andromeda Project, his eyes had been dry.

But right now, it feels like the whole ship could go down and he wouldn’t give a fuck if it meant he would stop feeling this ripping pain. If a window of the ship had been breached, he would run towards it and lunge himself out. If there was anything on the manual about how to numb the agony coursing through his veins, he would tear out every nook and cranny of this ship to find it. But all he has is Hoseok, silently rubbing his back.

“I’m too late, Hoseok,” he keens, the note of his voice breaking Hoseok’s heart. “I’m too late. I was so stupid. So fucking stupid. I shouldn’t have come. I should’ve stayed behind. I should’ve been with her.”

But Hoseok’s not sure if time would reverse, Jin would choose differently. He knows the man too well. Space is all he has ever talked about, he’s sure even you knew that. Hoseok also knows that if Jin had decided to not go, you would’ve changed his mind. You love him too much to not let him live his dreams and Hoseok thinks it’s only fair for Jin to do the same. But he guesses the difference was that one had seen it coming long before while the other had been too blinded by passion. Neither was wrong, though, he thinks.

As Jin continues to bawl, loud enough for Yoongi to come back to the kitchen to check on the noise but retreat back out once he sees Jin, Hoseok looks back at the picture still on the screen of Jin’s communicator pad. The cream-coloured background with the gold emboss of the wedding invite stares prettily back at him. Hoseok wonders how old his niece and nephew are now.

– – –

The house is finally quiet, the only sound being the clinking of dishes as you wash them, humming to yourself softly to a song you can’t quite remember the title of nor the actual lyrics.

Every once in a while, you catch yourself looking up into the window above the sink and only seeing your reflection, the necklace around your neck glinting everytime it catches the light. The north star diamond rests just right on your sternum, lightly thudding against your bone whenever you move.

You’re lost in your own thoughts, your hands moving automatically, the sound of the tap water running a background noise. Your husband is already in bed; he’d had a long day at work. You’re sure that when you go up to bed, he’ll stir awake before pulling you to sleep in his arms. He told you once a long time ago, six months into the relationship, that he cannot sleep without you any longer. You’re his comfort then, his comfort now fifteen years later. But you probably won’t go straight to bed when you’re done with this.

You put the last dish on the rack and wipe your hands. The letter that came in today sits on the table in the hallway, untouched. You had taken one look at the logo stamped on the front left corner of the envelope and had almost dropped it, feeling like the piece of paper had burnt you. With shaky hands, you had picked it back up and placed it where it is now, hoping that when the recipient sees it, he’ll take care of it.

But he hadn’t so now you have to make sure that he does before he sleeps. You make your way up the steps, one hand running up the bannister, not for support but mostly because if you don’t have your hand on something solid, you’d feel like you might float away. The skylight installed years ago allows the bright light of the full moon to cascade down into the house, illuminating your way perfectly fine. You look up at the sky, noticing the tiny little sparkling stars and you can’t help but feel bittersweet, a sort of melancholy you thought would have faded in time. The letter is clutched in your other hand.

Up the stair, you make towards the first door on the left. You take a deep breath, send up a silent prayer and knock.

“Yeah?”

You open the door and peer in, finding your son sitting at his desk, his laptop opened. He leans over his chair to look at you, raising his eyebrows. “Yeah?”

“Can I come in?” you ask.

He nods. “Yeah, sure. ‘Sup?”

You walk in and look around the room. For a seventeen-year-old teenager, he’s pretty tidy, tidier than his twin sister, surprisingly. The many books on the shelves are arranged in order of genres; fiction, non-fiction, and school books. The fiction section consists of about fifteen books right at the bottom. Two-third of the tall shelves are full of non-fictions, mostly science related, almost all on space and astronomy. When he had expressed interest in that specific area, you had been hesitant, but you’re not one to stand in the way of the people you love. It has always been like that.

Above his bed, stuck to the ceiling, are a constellation of stars and planets, glowing green in the dim lighting. Among them is a rocket-shaped one.

That’s why when the letter came today, you knew what it was. Your heart and brain war against each other; one tells you to rip it up to miniscule pieces and throw them away, the other already knows you’ll do what’s right. Because you’ve done it before.

You sit on his bed, careful not to mess up the covers too much. The laundry basket is full and you point to it. “I told you to bring it down, didn’t I?”

Taejin pushes his chair away from the desk and swirls it around to face you. “You didn’t come here to lecture me about my laundry, omma, did you?”

You look at him, noticing that his hair is getting a little long around the ears, poking against his neck and fluffy at the top. Except for his eyes, he looks nothing like you and very much resembles his father more than anything. It’s a haunting image sometimes. There’s more of his father in him than just the look, apparently. You smile and shake your head. “No, I didn't.” You produce the letter. “I came to give you this. It arrived earlier today.”

His eyes light up before it dims again. He opens his mouth then closes it, shaking his head. “I was waiting for it but now I don’t know if I’m ready to know.”

You mull over his words, nodding to yourself. “But how long are you going to put it off? Even if you don't, time will still continue to flow, you know? It’s not going to stop just because you’re not ready.”

He looks a little confused, his head tilted to one side. You let out a soft laugh. “Look, Jinnie, if you get in, that’s great. If you don’t, it’s not the end of the world. You can choose another school, another programme.” You doubt the latter half of your words, knowing him well enough that it wouldn’t be that easy for him to give it up. “Or would you want me to look for you?”

He thinks about it before shaking his head. “No. I’ll do it.”

You hand him the letter, watching him tear it open with shaking fingers. He pulls out the piece of paper inside and unfolds it. He gives you one last look and you nod with encouragement. “It’s not the end of the world.”

He reads it, eyes going over the words with such speed before he looks up, eyes wide. Curious, you get up and stand next to him, reading the content of the letter from over his shoulder. A small part of you withered, noting that this is how it had started, too, back then. You beam at Taejin, ruffling his hair. “Congratulations, my little spaceman. You got in.”

While your daughter pursues music, your son follows his dream. As Areum debuted in a girl-group in South Korea, Taejin finishes his internship with the Aerospace Research Institute. As you cheer Areum at her first stadium concert, Taejin is wrapping up his initial training as an astronaut as one of the top trainees in line for the space mission, Andromeda II. On the day that Areum flies back from her Grammy performance show, she heads straight for ARI, breathless and still very much jetlag to say goodbye to her twin before his thirty days quarantine starts. She might not see him again, ever, but that’s something you did not mention to either of them.

Areum had to leave earlier, tear-stained face waving goodbye from the door, unable to actually leave. You watch as Taejin gives her one last, long hug, the kind of hug that clearly communicates the amount of love he has for her, the kind of hug people give when they know it might be the final goodbye. She leaves then, hiccuping and sobbing, and you wished you had left with her. But not yet, you still have one last thing for your son, a parting gift.

“I want you to have something,” you say, unclasping the necklace from around your neck and placing it in his palm, closing his fingers onto it. “I want you to hold on to this for me, okay?”

Taejin looks close to tears. “But, omma. I know how precious this necklace is to you. Are you sure? Shouldn’t you be giving this to Areum instead?”

You smile at him. “I have something else for her, don’t worry. I want you to wear it, always.”

He doesn’t ask questions but puts it around his own neck, placing it safely inside his T-shirt. “Will Jackson be okay with you giving me this?” he laughs, only jesting.

You shake your head. “It wasn’t from him.”

He looks surprised.

You let out a soft sigh. “Taejin-ah,” you say, trying to arrange your words carefully. “Do you remember that astronaut story I used to tell you when you were little? The one that went on to travel the universe, in search of his north star?”

He nods hesitantly, probably the memory of the story faded with time. “I can recall bits and pieces. Why?”

“Well, what if I tell you he had been a real person?”

Taejin stares at you. “What do you mean?”

Suddenly, the intercom in the lounge room crackles to life and a disembodied voice echoes throughout the whole arena. “Five minutes until quarantine starts. All trainees are required to check in at seventeen hundred hours.” The announcement is repeated once more and you grip Taejin’s hand, your heart breaking. How many times can it break the same way in a lifetime?

“Listen to me,” you say, speaking urgently. “You told me that your mission is to-”

“Converge with the crew of the first Andromeda mission on Planet-”

“Yes, that,” you interject, waving for him to stop. Time is running out. “There’s someone on that mission that I want you to find, someone who will recognise the necklace I gave you.”

“Someone other than Uncle Hoseok?”

You nod and smile but the tears are creeping down your cheeks. Taejin catches them with his fingers but you ignore him, ignore the tears. “When you find him, you’d know. All the questions you’ve been asking me that I couldn’t answer will be answered, I promise you.”

The announcement reverberates through the air one more time and the whole room flutters with activity as family members and friends and loved ones of those taking off next month hurry to leave or give one last hug or kiss.

Taejin looks a little lost. “I don’t understand what you’re saying. What are you-”

“Trust me, okay? Wear the necklace always and you’ll know when you find him,” you repeat, getting up and pulling away but your son wouldn’t let go of your hands.

“Omma, please,” he begs. “I need more explanation. Why tell me this now?”

You manage to free your hands from his grasp, the tears blurring your vision. You pull him in for one last hug and hold his head in place as you place a kiss on his forehead. “I love you, Taejinnie. All I did was out of love. Tell Hoseok I love him and miss him so much. We all do. Tell them all about us.”

Taejin relents, letting go of you and finally moving towards the door that will take him and the others inside the building to be quarantined pre-flight. He has his suspicions on who you meant but the name was never mentioned, or it was in the story you’ve told that he had thought fiction. But that was a story when he was a child, something that’s only a vague memory in his head. Now, he racks his brain for it.

For the next thirty days of quarantine, Taejin obsesses over remembering the name. In a bout of desperation, he manages to pull up the name list of all the crews of the Freljord, the predecessor ship of the one he will embark on. He doesn’t have to look far, the name jumping out to him on the first line, noticing the similarity immediately. Captain Kim Seokjin. To confirm it, he finds a picture of the commanding officers of that spaceship and he almost falls over his chair.

It’s like staring at a picture of himself. The father that he had been looking for all this time, the father that he had given up asking about by the time he was eight, is one of the men that he is going to meet in another galaxy. He grabs ahold of your necklace, his fist wrapping around the north star diamond.

“I’m coming,” he whispers to himself, his fingers rubbing against the diamond softly. “Please be there. I'm coming to find you.”

a/n2: I might have ended this a little too abruptly but I was running out of motivation lol lmk what you think of this one shot in the comment or ask. Like and reblog will be much appreciated :)

Check out my other works → :MASTERLIST:

#bts jin #kim seokjin #kim seokjin x you #bts one shot #kim seokjin one shot #jin one shot #bts ksj #bts angst #jin fanfic #bts fanfic #jin x reader #jin astronaut #bts sci fi

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