#so hashtag tumblr privilege I guess???

[kirby-the-gorb]

this one should have a transparent background to fly him around your computer screen. he loves it :)

[dubulgeandtaebooty]

Tw vent and death (and a little bit of family business)

I was 10 years old when my brother was fatally killed by gang members. Even 8 years later, I could still vividly recall the while entire event like a videotape. The cries of help, the blood pouring out of his body that would drip all over the floor, the knife that killed him, the laughter of his killers as they run away hoping that they wouldn’t be found, the sound of ambulance coming to take him to the hospital as I told him that I loved him as police officers took me away from him. His last words to me was “Takashi, I’m going to be fine. Don’t worry about me. Go home.”

He died on his way to the hospital at just aged 14. He was sending drugs to Manchester, Liverpool, all over the UK, just to make some ends meet. My dad was abusive to us and our mom and so she turned into an alcoholic and he would leave us for another woman. This would be how we would have food into the table. He would earn some money so he would pay the rent that mom would purposely forget to do so. However, one of those days he was caught and had to go to prison for few months. Because he didn’t do his job, they tracked him down and killed him. I saw it all.

A month after he passed away, my mom went along too. Guess who found her body? Me. I saw her lifeless body in the living room when I came home and remembered shaking her in hopes she would wake up, but she never did. Just seeing her pale body haunts me as well as my brother screaming. I will never get those images out of my head and they’ll be with me for the rest of my life.

I couldn’t even listen to drill music knowing that this is the kind of shit my brother’s killers listen to. Seeing those people in masks and holding some sort of weapon gives me flashbacks and makes me wanna throw up on the spot. I hate seeing people die for the same reason, especially if it’s someone around the same age as my brother. I hate seeing this shit going all over the news. I get terrible anxiety attacks whenever I even think about something as simple as a knife. But what can I do? Every single day, I have to deal with my triggers being around me 24/7. I’m seeing drill music and remixes getting popular on Tiktok, knives are basically everywhere and those films that depict gang violence, they’re everywhere.

This is why I find it so funny that here on Tumblr I’m seeing people in their 20s crying about people using the wrong hashtag when there are serious shit happening in this world such as their family members or friends dying and they have to watch that shit whilst you are able to view the censored version online. Consider yourself privileged. I didn’t get to see a “TW” before my brother died or even saw it pixelated. I saw it raw. I could even hear the squelching sounds of the knife going in and out of him. Trust me, I could hear everything and it’s very uncomfortable for me to sit through this every single fucking day of my life. It was so bad that I even resorted to drugs and taking my own life. Trust me, it fucking sucks. I don’t even wish this upon my worst enemy.

How can you be so lost in your head that you think the internet can help you with your first world problems? Life doesn’t have a trigger warning, it just happened. If god knew that my brother was going to die today, he would just put a “TW” before my day started. It was just a normal day just like any other day. I got out of bed and I did my morning routine. That very day, I went home from my friend’s house and saw him running across the street. I thought he was trying to catch the bus, but I was dead wrong. He was running for his life.

As someone with extreme PTSD, the fanfics in the #ptsdrecovery does affect me. I find it so damn stupid if they do so, especially if they showcase the actual scene of the gang violence in vague detail. However, the only people I could let them off are newbies to this app. I understand how different the app it is to an app like Instagram or something. I do it too when I go on Instagram and I would under tag because I don’t know how their algorithm works. It’s all human error and they could learn not to do it again, but for those that deliberately do it, especially for many years, they piss me the fuck off.

But here’s the thing, Tumblr isn’t your free therapy session. There are full of people with different coping mechanisms and strategies. If Tumblr was to cater only to those who get triggered over fanfictions showing up on recovery tag, then is it even a freedom of speech app? Tell me if that’s fair to ban anyone who has reading or making fanfictions as a coping mechanism just because one person feels entitled to their problems and puts the blame on others. Although it is super frustrating that we have to deal with this, there’s nothing we could do. We could tell people to make another hashtags to be specific which is #ptsdrecoveryfanfics but what would you do if you see one anyways?

See the problem isn’t the users, it’s your mindset. It’s not our responsibility to stop you from getting triggered, it’s you. People are just living their lives the way they do and so they shouldn’t be obligated to follow by your rules only. I mean, do you think I tell my friends not to play drill music when I’m around? Do I tell stores to not sell knives just because I get triggered by it. No. Unfortunately, I have to move on. No matter how hard it is, I do need to continue with my life. Trust me, this is not an easy task. Having to move on like it was a small inconvenience in my life was difficult, which is why I had go to cognitive behavioural therapy, take some meds and so much shit just so I could live my normal life.

Even now, I could still imagine the scene one and on again, and it makes me want to live in the past. It’s not just I want to see him again, I just wished I stayed at my friend’s house for much longer. Maybe if I was there for few more minutes, I would only have the memory of him going to the hospital. If I went back to get my charger for my phone, I wouldn’t be aching to have this image in my head.

But what could I do? It has already happened. This just taught me a valuable lesson. If you are able to watch things with a trigger warning and a blur hiding the horrifying scene, then you’re privileged. There are people dying in wars, most notably, in Ukraine. Families are dying, friends are getting lost, people losing strangers they had met just few hours ago. You could meet someone and not know if this is the last time you’ll see them or not. They don’t get to have their deaths blurred. Sone people would see their loved ones in brutal conditions that their bodies are fully mutated that it doesn’t even look like them anymore. Even if they weren’t there, that image would stay with them for the rest of their lives.

There are SERIOUS things that are happening in this world and the only thing those, mind I tell you, ADULTS harassing literal newbies in this app just because they used the wrong tag for their fanfiction posts. And for them to be so entitled to think that Tumblr is all about them and them only because they’re right and they know everything. NO THE FUCK YOU DON’T. This is a first world problem that YOU’RE dealing with. There are millions of people starving to death because they cannot afford to bring food into their plates. There are women and girls getting raped into this day because there are asshole men that wants to take advantage of them and that pisses me the fuck up seeing the fucked up things they do to these people, and your only problem are people using the wrong tags whether it’s an accident or not?

I’ve fucking seen everything. I watched my parents fight, my brother’s unlawful death, I saw my mother’s lifeless body on the couch at the living room, my dad left me meaning that me and my sisters had to go move with my grandparents. I bullied at school for being Asian, gay and fat. I was once beaten up to the point where I was hospitalised. It happened in 2020 too during the pandemic. Everyone called me “ching-chong” and told me to go back to where I came from. In the pandemic version, they also told me to kill myself. Then, my sister got raped. That got me sick to my stomach seeing how differently she acted. I also saw her get abused by her boyfriend and I had to step in and beat him up. I was stabbed on the arm by the one thing I was scared of, a knife. He happily called me faggot and chink as I was in excruciating pain. I don’t know how I could explain it, but it was not good.

At this point, I had a big hatred towards the world. However, you only have one life and you gotta live it. I could of chose to be chronically online just like the rest of us on Tumblr, or I could continue fighting and living my life. I chose to be in the real world, because once it’s gone, there’s no going back. I have my friends with me and a crush in my class. I chose to live my life because that was the only thing I could do. I don’t like being online as much, but this is why I only go there to protect my friends.

To give you a summary because some Tumblr users are retarded, I agree with said post and I had stated clearly how I felt about fanfictions going into recovery tags. The only thing I said was that I would understand if it was a newbie. If it was someone who casually does it despite knowing that they shouldn’t do that, then they should know what’s coming. Newbies are NEW to this app. They probably came from an app like Instagram. As someone with extreme PTSD, I’ll forgive them, especially if it’s their first time overtagging because they simply didn’t know how this app works. If it’s someone who has been doing it for years and hasn’t changed ever since, then yes I could understand why you can get mad at them. Unless if you’re mentally retarded, everyone should agree with this whether you hate people overtagging or not. No newbies are going to search up “how to tag on tumblr.” It’s just not realistic. What’s really going to happen is that they’re going to overtag or use the wrong tags and if someone can nicely explain it to them that they shouldn’t be tagging like that, then they’ll take it seriously and quit it. They’re human too and they’ll understand it. They aren’t going to listen to a crazy looking blogger screaming in dms because they aren’t going to take it seriously. This is just facts. But also, I feel like the people who are triggered, they kinda have to do their part as well. Like I said earlier, people aren’t obligated to give a trigger warning or help you when you get triggered. If they do however, it’s out of luck. Most people (especially in the real world) doesn’t give a shit about you. You wanna know why? They’re too busy into their own lives that they aren’t going to censor every word you are triggered over just so they could protect your precious feelings. This is life and you have to live by its rules. If you see something triggering, it’s up to you with how you go about it. If I was to see knives, I’ll just use filtered tags or words. Of course, you’ll still gonna see some regardless. This is because you cannot run away from reality. You’ll have to face it one day.

I know for some people it’s hard to digest, so I made an even dumber version of the summary. Crosstagging is bad. However, newbies can be forgiven because they didn’t know. not to. Of course newbies could search on google “how to tag posts” but it’s not realistic. Realistically, they will post and then figure out when someone tells them. If you do, it is better for you to explain it nicely and clearly so they would know for the next time not to overtag. But, if it’s someone who has been in this app for many years and wouldn’t stop, then yes, it is bad and they should be banned. But nonetheless, you need to help yourself too. Go to settings and put filter tags or words so you can hide certain posts you don’t want to see. There are very little things you could do in this situation, which means that you’ll need to face the harsh reality one day that not everything is censored and so you’ll see things that are uncensored.

Sorry for the language. I just had been so stressed lately. I think I’m gonna take a break from using this app.

[boogiewrites]

Reports & Repertoire 10

Characters: Eddie Brock x Venom x Candace Miller (OFC)

Word Count:  8500+

Summary:   Eddie and Candy's lives start to move fast with their new careers. Finding it hard to spend as much time together, absence makes the heart grow fonder for Candy and makes her react emotionally instead of her usual logical self when faced with jealousy. Eddie tries to find out what's really wrong with her, and it leads to a conversation that should've happened months ago.

Warnings/Tags: Language. Jealousy. Nonconsensual kiss. Discussions of sexism.FLUFF. Eddie cleans up GOOD. Romantic confessions. 

Click on my icon then go to Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

Falling asleep and waking up in another person’s arms will make you have to face a lot of hard questions. Thanks to Venom, Eddie wasn’t finding it as hard to decipher how he felt about Candy. Having a constant influx of questions about every thought you had, had that effect on speeding up realizations.

Candy slept so soundly that night. Coffee and kisses were shared the in the late morning light with Eddie before he left. This time she didn’t have any feelings of, ‘Oh I shouldn’t have done that’, after kissing him goodbye. She didn’t regret pressing her lips gently to his forehead as he slept on her with his arm wrapped around her, half in and out of sleep with her fingers in his hair. She found herself not regretting any of her decisions thus far when it came to Eddie. The smile on her face that wouldn’t go away as she looked in the mirror that morning told her a lot about how she felt. She just needed to figure out how to tell him about it. -------- Everything begins to move fast, and not in a totally pleasurable way for Candy. Everything was coming up Milhouse for her but it was all a whirl happening around her and she fought to keep from feeling overwhelmed at times.

She has a meeting with the network and Eddie. With light praise and concerns shared, she signs a contract to begin working with them. They start pre-production and she tells the paper she’s leaving that same day. Deciding to keep with the same investigative journalism approach, they decide to simply rebrand that show as The Miller Report. She and Eddie would work together to find out where to mesh the old and new, using the pre-existing popularity of his show to launch hers, a sort of Brock report 2.0 of sorts, but with much better boobs, as Eddie teased in private.

At first, she got to see Eddie at work a few times a week, while the show was getting off the ground. Old leads, reforming a crew and figuring out how to improve on what he’d done lead to lots of brainstorming sessions between the two of them. But as it moved into shooting and interviews and on location production, Candace herself having to put in footwork on stories, they saw each other less and less. They did work for the same company, so sometimes they got to have lunch together, leaving their phones face down and trying to help the other decompress from being in the same fast-moving world of news, functioning as a small respite for each other. They mostly saw one another in passing, coming or going, walking around the same floor of the building with apologetic glances as she was surrounded by people demanding things of her and he would wave his notepad full of scribbles in her direction as he worked on questions and research for his interviews.

He traveled a lot for his work now, the more he released, the wider his net became for individuals to learn about. He spends most of his time hunched over a computer screen and rubbing his temples, trying to find the right angle, the right wording to get the information he wanted to set himself apart. It felt good to be back at work again but it also felt exactly like that. Work. And Venom wasn’t very fond of it.

Being back in the loop with stories, especially having Candy to hear them from, helps their need for human brains. Or rather, whole humans. The nonexistence of a body was a lot easier to hide than a headless one, so he found himself in shady parts of town where he knew bad things had been going down and letting Venom get his fill of the murderers, malicious thieves and rapists that crawled in the underbelly of the city. Due to his experience with Carlton Drake, Eddie still had that fire alive for getting back at the 1%. He tried to focus on interviewing these types and exposing them for the greedy, privileged monsters they were. Writing stories of abused laborers and blackmail attempts. He found it a lot harder to get around to eating a rich person though, lots of security and questions if they disappeared, but that didn’t keep Venom from always suggesting it and Eddie from always thinking it.

------ He finds himself in Colorado the night Candy’s show premiers and he feels like a real asshole for missing her party. But if there was anything Candy understood, it was work and he hoped she meant it when she said he didn’t hold it against him. He was out researching and interviewing the top manufacturers and dispensers in Denver and trying to bring light to the hypocrisy of white men running corporations and getting rich off what had oppressed the community of color for so long. The recreational laws in his home state made the story relatable to the local market but kept a distance while he could reach out to people in the green triangle upstate to get the real information on the conditions harvesters were forced to work in for a follow-up story.

He’s in his hotel room, sitting on the bed and loading up the network's website to see Candy’s first episode. She’d decided to tackle a sexist owner of some shops and been taking in interviews with ex-employees and discussing money taken for silence. He was insanely proud of such a delicate and intense subject that she’d go for for her first episode, but it didn’t surprise him in the least.

“Candy? Hello?” he asks, the face time screen blurred and the sound of multiple voices being heard. He’s greeted by Steph’s face.

“She gave me her phone so she’d stop looking at Twitter and what people were saying.” she explains as she laughs. “I’ll give her the phone, hold on.” he shakes her head. “If I can get her away from these guys that are over here trying to chat her up.” she smirks and stares at Eddie as she passes the bar.

He purses his lips and rolls his eyes. “Yeah, Steph, I get it. “ he says, a slightly more than an acquaintance level with the woman now since she ran interference between the two of them when they couldn’t directly communicate due to work.

“Do you?” she says, turning the phone so he can see Candy looking at a large TV on the wall, standing by a bar with three guys stood around complimenting her. She switches the camera back to her. “Because I’m not sure you do.”

“She’s a hot commodity now, I know.”

“And so are you. If you’d ever just put on your big girl panties and come over and-”

“Just give her the phone, Steph.” he groans. "I'm coming off a flight, I'm tired."

“You’re no fun Brock. I don’t know what she sees in you.” she chuckles and holds the phone out to Candy. “Guess who just landed?” she says in a much sweeter tone.

“Eddie!” he hears her happy voice and any worry he had about one of the men around her starts to fade.

“Hey babe.” he says with a warm smile to the holder of his affections.

“She looks pretty.” Venom says, hovering out of frame and watching his second favorite human.

“Your flight okay?” she asks, as she walks to a quieter part of the bar and he sees the men she’s leaving behind watch her go.

“Yeah, it was fine. And who cares, I wanna talk about you Miss big-time TV reporter.” he grins.

“Oh hush.” she laughs. “It’s not even into the first commercial break and I’ve seen it so many times already and I’m proud of it but I’m so damn nervous.” she says in a hushed voice, standing against a wall in a hallway where she can hear him.

“If you’re proud of it that’s all that matters. I’m trying to get it to load up right now.”

“Oh you’re gonna watch it?” she says with bright eyes.

“Of course I fuckin’ am!” he says with a laugh as if he’s offended. “First thing I did when I got in the room, haven’t even gone to the bathroom or taken off my shoes.” he says enthusiastically.

The smile on her face makes Venom smile “Awwww.” he says watching her light up.

“I made Steph hold my phone so I didn’t refresh social media constantly and not enjoy the moment.”

“Very smart. As always. I’m sure it’ll go over fine. You know as well as I do that right now exposing people like this is important work.” he says in an almost preachy tone.

“So is bringing attention to exploited labor, classism and racism.” she says, referring to what he’d been working on.

“Yeah, yeah but this is about you, Candy, not me.” he says with a nod. “You wanna watch it together? I’ve got it runnin’ now.” he suggests.

“Would you? I’ll leave you on while I watch it with everyone in the bar.”

“Sounds like a plan.” he says as Venom shifts and rests on his leg to watch the screen.

They stay on for the duration of it, except for the small space of time he runs to go pee. He pulls up Twitter and watches the comments come in, the hashtags being used and starts his first wave of responses with likes and retweets of supportive comments. He tells her the feedback is good, even though she refuses to look still. The usual and expected bitching and moaning from men is always there but Eddie doesn’t worry about Candy seeing them. She doesn’t hold much weight to most men’s opinions on the internet and he found himself grateful that she still seemed to hold him in such high esteem. They stay on face time until the show is over and everyone comes to surround her with their questions and her phone starts dinging and notifications of calls and messages start rolling in in waves too large to ignore. She sneaks the bathroom and whispers a sweet goodbye to him, giving the screen a kiss before they sign off.

“She seems happy.” Venom coos.

“She did. I’m glad. She should be. She worked her ass off on that and it was well done. Seems other people think so as well.”

“Her success worries you.” Venom comes in with the things Eddie tries to push out of his mind.

“I mean, sorta. Things can change when it happens.” he mutters.

“She still likes us. I can tell.” Venom tries to be supportive, speaking closely to Eddie's face so he can't ignore him.

“Yeah. Me too.” he gives a small smile in agreement.

“You know what you need to do Eddie.” he bumps his face to Eddie's temple.

“Ugh, dude I know.” he groans.

“We love her Eddie.” he says softly. "We should be a team. Just like we are. We love each other Eddie. It feels good to be told so. You should tell her so. Make her ours as I made you mine. A joining. A pairing. Make it so she cannot leave us.”

“You’re comin’ in a little hot there man but I appreciate it.” he sighs. “You aren’t totally wrong. You know it’s just complicated. With us both being in the public now and her getting my old show and there isn’t as much time as there used to be to relax. And she’s just starting so she’s gotta put in the work to get the respect even more than I do.”

“Excuses.” he states plainly.

“Well, we can’t do anything right this second about it. Let her enjoy her night, we’ll be seeing her soon enough.” Venom stares at Eddie, sensing the worry in him. --------- Candy stands in the bedroom of her new apartment, looking at herself in the evening gown she had on to attend a local awards ceremony for San Francisco Journalism. She’d been invited, which was surprising enough and Eddie was being recognized for his work. Her new job had alotted her more money, which she’d been saving up. But with the positive reaction from the public to her work, she’d gotten a raise and she thought it was time to move. She didn’t move that far away, over to a nearby neighborhood of Noe Valley, finding it’s quiet to be very appealing to her now. Her downtime was as precious as ever and she wanted something simpler, homier than her one-room studio apartment with its tiny shower and half-size refrigerator. She’d found an old Victorian home turned duplex and snatched it the day she looked at it. On the ground floor, a bedroom with a door, a bathroom with a tub and shower, a full kitchen and a dining room. It certainly wasn’t the great expanse of “full size” she’d known back home, but money was space here and she had enough to at least warrant a dining room that would fit a four-person table in it and a kitchen with a full sized fridge and a dishwasher. Simply not being able to watch the same tv from her bed, couch and kitchen felt like a huge leap.

She had rented a gown from a local designer. She was going for young and modern to keep up with the new brand she had to into account. A simple two-piece outfit, the skirt long and loose, cinched in at her waist with a peekaboo of her stomach under an off the shoulder sweetheart necked top. In all black, she hoped it wasn’t too severe, a punchy pink lip and side-swept curls, the extensions weighing heavily in her hair made her think it said take me seriously, but be reminded I can look good.

She has a driver pull up to a small bunching of people before a stretch of carpeted walkway begins, a backdrop covered in sponsored logos and a grouping of photographers behind a barricade. She stands with her mask of confidence, hands around her sparkly clutch keeping her from fidgeting with her manicured nails. She’s ushered off by a lady in a headset who has the vibe of not having time for anyone’s bullshit tonight and waits to the side where people are filing through, names being ticked off on a clipboard by a woman who looks less threatening but not overly friendly. She sees others from the network, cheek air kisses and shaken hands with meeting spouses for the first time, giving and receiving vague compliments on each others work.

She’s speaking to a local influencer who’s work she genuinely enjoys when she feels a hand on her shoulder and her nickname called in a voice that makes her heart flutter in it’s thick-accented delivery.

“Candy?” Eddie asks, only mostly certain it was her. She was so made up and he hadn’t seen her in weeks that he was left guessing until she turned around. “Or do I have to call you Candace now?” he gives her a grin.

She keeps her cool even though she’d like to kiss him square on the mouth and tell him how damn sexy he looked in his suit. It was simple, black with a matching skinny tie and a white button-up shirt. His hair pushed to the side and parted, barely a hint of stubble on his face to keep with the rugged look that would be expected of him. She’s thankful to be wearing so much makeup because she feels her face flush at the sight of him in the well-fitted suit.

“You can call me Candy.” she smiles, leaning to press her cheek to his, not wanting to get makeup on him, her hand on his arm as he doesn’t hide the dopey little smile he gets at the close contact to her. “You clean up good kid.” she laughs, giving him an approving glance as he looks away and shrugs.

His name is called from the woman with the clipboard. “I gotta...” he begins, pointing with his thumb and heading backward in the direction of the voice.

“I’ll find you inside later.” she says, shooing him off.

“Candace Miller?” called out by from the same woman as she turns towards the voice with blinking eyes, still not being used to people knowing her on sight yet. “Come on,” she says motioning for her to move forward. “You can go after Eddie Brock, easier for the photog’s, they’ll probably want pictures of you both together.” she mumbles, her pen working away on the paper.

Nodding and saying nothing, watching Eddie go ahead of her and being as charmed as everyone else at him as he turns on that masculine, confident and captivating persona she fell for first on his show that she now hosts. She’s contemplating how strange life is sometimes, reflecting n the recent turn of events when a hand ushers her forward into the onslaught of flashing lights. She takes a deep breath and sets her face in something subtle and serious. A smile in her eyes, head slightly tilted and body posed in a flattering way, she blinks slowly before them a more friendly smile, best to give them the option, she thinks. She hears her name called out in a variety of voices, seeing waving hands then Eddie’s name called, telling them to get together for pictures. It made sense, a picture to talk about the rising of one person making way for another. Their eyes give away their tentativeness to touch each other in such a public setting but to not do it would read as even more awkward. He reaches around her back and she does the same. They stand and smile while getting things shouted at them and giving the cameras their fill. She knows she’ll certainly be looking up these photos later. Suck it, people back home, this one was going on Instagram.

They’re sat together at the ceremony with other people from their network and investigative journalists. Neither of them missed an opportunity to network and pass along information to the ones they didn’t know. Candy sits and gets to be supportive as they get closer to his speech. She’d helped him on it and everything went according to plan until he thanked her in front of everyone. She hadn’t read that part.

Eddie was nervous but Venom was excited, as it usually went. Venom knew how important this event was to Eddie, so he was actually behaving himself. He’d helped put Eddie’s thoughts into something more concrete to help him win over Candy. Eddie wanted her to get recognition too, it was just another thing to add to the list of gestures to pay her back for believing in him when no one else would. “I know this award has my name on it and is for things I’ve done in this line of work but I didn’t get here alone. None of us have. And I wanted to thank someone who’s here tonight for her help. An example of what those who seek to tell the truth should strive to be. Someone who believes in those who don’t believe in themselves, and that included me. There’s no one better to take on what I started with The Eddie Brock Report and to take it to places I never could. I fully expect her to be receiving awards next year for the work she’s doing now. I’m proud to work with her and call her a dear friend, Candace Miller. This is for you.” he says, holding up the plaque he’d received and it took everything in her not to cry. People turn and look at her and she tries to hide her surprise in her face as they begin to clap and a lump grows and sits heavy in her throat. He moves backstage afterward for press and she’s left gulping noisily with eyes on her until the announcer comes back and moves the topic forward.

He’s swept away in a crowd, as all the honorees were. She’s wandering, hopping from young professional to young professional, as they were the ones who knew her work best and were willing to talk. The older higher up’s flocked together, taking in their own smugness that came with being at the top of one’s career. Candy hopes she ends up at the top of her game but doesn’t forget where she came from. A lot of these people came up when the scene was new. It was a lot easier to become a tv personality in the seventies or eighties compared to today with an oversaturated market and everyone wanting their face out there. The dinosaurs held tight and ruthlessly to their positions and she couldn’t blame them, she just wished they would be so elitist and dated in their beliefs.

She and Eddie make their way towards each other very slowly, a few steps at a time before one or both of them is caught up in another conversation with someone. They move in the direction of the hallway in the convention center, edging towards the outskirts of the huge banquet room.

“Before someone else steals you away I want to say two things,” she says raising her fingers. “One, thank you and two, how dare you.” she laughs. “You almost made me cry.” she grins, playfully shoving his arm slightly.

A smile that only shows up when she’s around comes across his face. His eyes soft, brow relaxed with one side pulling back farther than the other with those plush lips staying shut before they turn into each other, holding back the rest of it to not make himself painfully obvious.

“What you’re doin’ is more important right now. I interviewed someone that was already captured, you are going after people to capture them. That’s harder.” he says with a quiet tone, standing in close, tired of the forced interactions where he’s Eddie Brock, the investigative journalist. Putting on his alter ego where he was always self-assured and clever, ball busting and fearless. He got to take an exhale, let his face fall out of the broad smile and let his voice lower while he talked to Candy. Once again she was a form of respite for him.

“You could’ve told me you were gonna do that you know.” she gives him a soft smile. “I was 1000% caught off guard and everyone was looking at me and I probably looked like a deer in the headlights.” she chuckles.

“If I’d told you, you wouldn’t have let me.” he leans forward and grins, raising his eyebrows at her.

She rolls her eyes and shakes her head at him. She begins to open her mouth, some smart ass remark about him being right but her not being happy about it as he’s yanked to the side. She turns her face to see Vanessa Kennistone, one of those elites she was mulling over earlier take Eddie’s arm like she was already very familiar with him. Without a glance to Candy, the svelt cougar pulls Eddie away as he stutters in surprise. He tries to look back to Candy before the older woman takes his chin and keeps his face on her, leading him out of the room. Candy is left with a red face, frozen, blinking rapidly in confusion.

Her brain can’t help it, bless her. She starts running over every possible reasoning for this sort of behavior. Sometimes her quick brain, the dots it could connect, the lines it wanted to draw without any effort were more of a burden than a blessing in her personal life. She’d pulled him away like she’d hypnotized him. Did he know her already? In her absence had he been filling his needs elsewhere, he was certainly a good looking and charming enough man to play boy toy to a woman like her. Was he using her for intel? She shakes her head hard and takes a sip from the champagne flute in her hand. She needed to stop, she was upsetting herself. She takes a deep breath and waits a few minutes after they’re out of sight before pursuing. No way she was going to sit and stew in what was turning out to be red hot jealousy without proof of his wrongdoings.

Vanessa, an older woman with a very good plastic surgeon has Eddie against a wall outside of a supply closet in the almost empty hallway outside the room where the after party was being held. Eddie is still trying to hide his surprise, not happy about how this woman was handling things, finding it extremely unappealing and rude. He didn’t want to be those things as she was a big name in the local game, but he was giving her no reason to think this behavior was okay either. She stands within inches of Eddie, a hand on his chest as her eyes narrow and looks him over, sizing him up, fucking him with her eyes without saying a word as his head pressed against the wall to create space between them.

“Why are you hanging out with that little nobody all night huh? Give someone above a newbies pay grade some time.” she says with a deep tone, and a what she sees as a seductive smile.

“Because she’s my friend... so... that’s why.” he says with a low brow, trying to control to high inflection of his voice in his uncomfortableness.

“Just friends huh? Her loss. My gain?” she asks with a tilt of her head.

“I... uh...” he begins, a clearly uncertain expression on his face now.

“Oh he’s shy.” she laughs. “You are so sexy when you blush, you know that Mr. brock? Wouldn’t have thought a man like you would get tongue-tied over a woman. Not when you look like this.” leans in and presses her lips to his, lashes fluttering shut as he holds still.

As her timing could not be better or worse, Candy gets close enough to the recess in the wall they were hiding behind to see her kiss him. Her jaw tenses, her hands seizing up and almost breaking the thin neck of the glass she was holding. Her heart palpitates and all her biggest worries come flooding back. Eddie wouldn’t kiss someone in public if he didn’t know them. Would he? He wasn’t a make out in public on a whim sorta guy. Was he? She begins to question things she thought were certain about him. So he had been sleeping with her. Maybe him thanking her in his speech was his guilty conscience trying to free itself from sleeping with someone behind her back. But was it behind her back? They weren’t together, not in any official capacity. Did she even have the right to be jealous? She watches from the corner of her eye, trying to hear what they were saying because she was a glutton for punishment apparently.

“You uh...you’re bein’ real nice Mrs. Vennistone but I gotta get back.” he says with a quiet shaky voice that Candy can’t make out.

“No, you don’t. I’m right here, I’m all you need to be worried about.” she says confidently, pressing herself against him. Candy takes a noisy gulp and looks away for a moment to gather herself.

“I’d rather get back to my friend.” he states, his voice cracking.

She pulls back and pouts. He wasn’t finding a grown woman pouting something to be considered attractive. “Why? That friend of yours used you to get what she wants, so why not use me to get what you want? She’ll be fine without you. She’s a big girl, I’m sure she can handle herself.” she says in a condescending way, Candy only picking up some of the words, but it was enough to make her face go red with the insinuation.

“Excuse you?” he says louder, putting his hands on her shoulders to create more space between them.

“Candace Miller.” she says with an obvious tone and a loud sigh. Her voice annoyed enough to be loud for Candy to hear it. “She slept with you to get the show from you right?” he gives her a disgusted look. “Oh please, everyone does it. Don’t act so high and mighty. You journalists.” she rolls her eyes and tsks.

Candy’s heart drops. Her face falling and going pale. Was that what everyone thought? With wide eyes that reflect the notion that she really should have seen coming in their wide and watery expression. She blinks rapidly, swallowing the lump in her throat and decides to remove herself from the situation. She clearly had a few things to think about.

“That is not what happened.” he says, his chin jutting out for emphasis.

“Oh is it not?” she suggests with a smirk, flipping her overly coiffed and sprayed, large dark hair.

“No. She helped me out if anything. She was willing to work with me when no one else would. You’ve got no reason to talk about her like that, she got where she is because she’s smart and talented and a hard worker.” he says, starting to push back on her, Venom stays quiet but is calculating the possibility of eating this woman, wondering how bad all that hairspray would taste.

“Alright, alright. Calm down, big boy.” she says in a condescending way, trying to reach out to touch his chest again.

“No. We’re done here.” he says with a straightening of his posture, his voice dipping lower as his anger shows through.

“Why? I’m offering you sex and the ability to make a connection higher up and you want to go ‘hang out’?” she says, a hand now on her hip, looking at him in disbelief.

“Yeah. I would.” he states obviously.

“Why?” she says more angry, shaking her head.

“Because you don’t really give a shit about me. You only care now because I’ve had a successful piece out. I only want to be around people who actually support me as a person, not because they want something from me .” he steps back and she looks him up and down with a quirked brow.

“So you’d rather hang out with your “friend” Candace than get fucked? By me? And insult me in the process?” she holds her hand to her chest, her jaw slack and chin low at the audacity of this young man.

“Well... yeah. Doing nothin’ with her would be a lot better than getting fucked by some self-centered piece of work like you.” She blinks in surprise. His face hard and certain, eye contact not wavering at the still almost disgusted look she had on her face.

“I see you’re as reckless as ever. I shouldn’t have wasted my time on you. You’ll be sorry for talking to me like that.” she says, crossing her arms and pursing her lips.

“I doubt that lady. Who do you think the public will believe? A has been anchor lady or a journalist who works and fights for human rights?” he says taking steps backward, his hands out, palms up at his sides.

“I have more reach and power than you two put together.” she scoffs.

“Maybe, but we know who we are. We aren’t out trying to sleep with someone to ignore the fact that we can't truly connect with people and try to manipulate those under us. So we’re gonna go forget about you and have a good night because we aren't assholes who want to metaphorically whip our dicks out in every conversation.” he says with an attitude-filled head shake as he lets his articulating hands fall to his sides when he turns his back to her.

Candy is standing just outside the door, on the other side of the nearly empty entryway where only a few people smoking were idling. She considered bumming a cigarette even though she didn’t smoke, she just felt the mood warranted it. She ignores his fast footsteps, acting like she couldn’t identify them by sound alone, knowing the shoulder shifting saunter that Eddie moved about the world with.

“Hey, Candy.” he says softly, coming up and touching her bare arm as he tried to hide the anger on his face. “You wanna get out of here?”

She gives him a curiously blank expression, eyes filled with emotion but blinking fast. “Why? The people here clearly want to talk to you.” she says with her lips tight as she speaks.

He tilts his head at her. “I don’t...” he sighs and his brow lowers. “I don’t really feel like this is where I should be.” he says quietly.

“What are you talking about? You got recognized.” she states obviously.

“That's not what I mean.” he says with a wince of his face.

“Then what do you mean?” she asks, her face still painfully indifferent.

“These people...” he shakes his head, looking back into the building.

“That woman?” she asks with sad eyes under a lifted brow.

“Yeah.” he says, noticing her closed off body language.

“I saw her kiss you.” she blurts out, looking away from him. “You don’t have to pretend like you need me around anymore you know.” she says softly. “You’ve been doing fine on your own...clearly.” she says with anger in her eyes and tone.

“Woah, wait, what?” he asks with a higher pitched voice, his hands held up in surrender.

“I heard what she said.” she mutters out, looking to the ground and crossing her arms.

“What’d you hear exactly? Because I think you’re missing the more important pieces of that conversation." he says with a huff of a laugh at her attitude.

“I heard her say I slept with you to get the job. So that must be what everyone thinks right?” she rolls her eyes and sighs, face hiding how upset she was.

“Candy, no, that woman was being a bitch, don’t listen to her. She was jealous I was trying to leave and get back to you.” he says with pleading eyes.

She meets his eyes again, still sad and hesitant.

“She was! And I told her that’s not what happened! That you got the job because you’re good. Plain and simple.” he says quietly but with enthusiasm.

She blinks slowly. “I should’ve known people would think I slept with you to get it.” she whispers.

“Is that not why you slept with me?” he jokes.

She slaps his arm and frowns.

“Ow, okay. Bad timing for that joke. Just tryin’ to lighten the mood.” he says rubbing his arm. “Who cares if that’s a rumor anyway? We both know that’s not true.”

“Easy to say because you’re a man. You’re not the one whose work is being undermined.” her voice tight and tone still severe.

“That...” he sighs. “That is true.” he nods. “But everyone really likes your work though. So what if they think we slept together?” he leans in closer and speaks softly, eyes sad for her being upset, neither he or Venom wanted to see her upset.

“I don’t care that think we slept together, I care about it in relation to the job.” she sighs. “And we did sleep together. We...” she looks around. “ We do. Or, did. Had been. Whatever.” she shakes her head. “So it’s not totally false.”

“Even if we hadn’t, I would have recommended you for that job. You can’t think I mentioned you just because of the sex.” his brow low and voice cracking as the desperation to convince her was heard in his voice.

She stops a moment and takes it in, taking a deep breath and willing herself to look into his soft eyes that were pleading with her to not feel sad. “No.”

“And even if we weren’t sleeping together, they might say it anyway. So either way, it’s a lie and it doesn’t matter. People like your work, Candy. You’re getting to help people, that’s what’s important. Not what some people with sticks up their asses think.”

“Yeah.” she says with an angry sigh. ”I know.” she says defensively, chewing her cheek. “I’m just...” she rolls her eyes and sighs loudly, closing her eyes and shaking her head before chewing on her thumbnail for a moment. Eddie stands still and lets her process her feelings, seeing them shifting over her face. She furrows her brow and meets his eyes again. “So are you like...” she purses her lips and vaguely motions with her hand to nothing. “Sleeping with her or something?"

“What the- Oh, god no!” he says with a disgusted look on his face. He sees she thought he had been with Vanessa and it clicks for him why she was so bent out of shape. “You thought me and her? That we were?” his face takes a more humorous turn.

“So took you away and kissed you, what was I supposed to think?” she mumbles, lowering her head in shame.

“That’s she’s a sexual predator?” he suggests, giving her a light-hearted smile.

“Sorry I just...” she shrugs. “I dunno what I was thinking.” she mumbles again, which was also unlike her.

“Not with that smart, pretty head of yours that’s for sure.” he offers to make her feel better. She gives him a fleeting, weak smile. “What’s wrong? Somethings up with you.”

She swallows her pride and tries to figure out how to express these feelings in a mature way besides you kissed another girl and it made me sad. But we aren’t even dating so it shouldn’t matter to me at all. But it does. “I thought since we hadn’t... been together in a while that maybe you were seeing her now.” she admits, her eyes shifting back up to his, he could see the uncertainty in them and he was touched by it.

“No, she’s just a sleazy cougar, not my type at all” he huffs out a laugh. “You think I’ve been seeing someone else?” he asks in almost a whisper, lowers his head in close, his shoulders shifting towards her and hunching.

“It’s a reasonable assumption. I don’t know what you do when I’m not around.” she says quietly and defensively.

“Work." he says with a soft chuckle." Work and miss you." he states, his lips pouting out and looking her over. "I’ve just been busy. This writing and traveling around so much is new and I’m still getting used to it. That’s all. You’ve not come around either, have you been seein’ somebody?” he asks to make his point.

“No. I’ve been busy.” she says with a light tone, the lines around her mouth softening as she loses her anger and hurt she’d worked up in herself.

“Well see... in the same boat.” she nods and looks away. “That’s not all, is it? You’re still being distant and that means something’s wrong. You’re always up in my shit about everything. Tell me... Someone do somethin’ while I was back there with Mrs. Step Mom in a porno?” he offers her that dopey grin of his and her chest hurts.

She swallows audibly and sighs. He was good at observation she’d give him that.

He works through the events up to this in his head out loud. “You thought I was with someone else, you saw her kiss me and you got upset,” he says, his hand on her arm, turning her body towards his. “Are you...?” he blinks and leans in close, trying to hide the teasing that wanted to rise in his voice. “Jealous Candy?”’

She opens her mouth to say no but that’d be a lie so she shuts it again and frowns.

“You are aren’t you? Oh, babe, come here.” he says with a warm friendly tone. “Why would someone like you be jealous? The only woman getting my time right now is you.” he takes her into his arms by surprise. She’s taken back by it enough to forget there might be people watching them and her frown breaks, feeling her heart flutter with his words.

“It’s really childish of me, sorry. I should know better.” she shakes her head and shuts her eyes. It was if she'd forgotten what liking someone felt like. Those sharp, knee-jerk reactions from strong emotions that came with it that could make even a logical person like her react too quickly, a little too harshly in defense of her heart.

“Nah, now if you’d gone all real housewives on her and yanked her wig off then that would’ve been immature.” he jokes, holding her shoulders and looking at her face, finally cracking a smile. “There’s my pretty girl,” he says and gives her cheek a soft a soft rap with his knuckles. “Why would I wanna hang out with anyone but you? You’re the only one that wanted to be around me when everyone else hated me.” he says with earnest eyes. He watches her face soften, hoping his words were alleviating some of her worry about his loyalty to her.

“And now everyone loves you.” she says with a hint of a smirk.

“Nah. They just act like they do. They just want my time for selfish reasons.” he dismisses the statement with a shake of his head.

“I know the feeling.” she says quietly, sighing out afterward.

“Yeah, it comes with the territory. Sucks. But at least we know we won’t be like that, huh?” he says trying to cheer her up further.

“No. We won’t.” she untenses her shoulders and gives him a smile he’s been working towards seeing again.

“All you ever wanted me for was to do some good.” he smirks. “Well I mean...and a few other things” he laughs.

She shoves his arm and grins “Charming as ever.” she shrugs “But also correct.” her mischievousness was back and his chest feels warm as they look at each other for a weighted moment.

“So how about we blow this popsicle stand, huh? We can go do nothing together instead of stay here? We’ve got tonight to hang out, when was the last time we just went and hung out?” his voice raises and almost cracks in its sincerity.

“It’s been months.” she says exasperatedly.

“Too long. C’mon. Let's go eat some greasy food together like we used to.” he says taking her hand and tugging her forward.

“Dressed like this?” she laughs, hand motioning between the two of them.

“You look beautiful, why not?” he asks with an unintentionally cocky nod of his chin.

A soft smile comes across her face with a hint of blush at his compliment. He’d never called her that before.

“Did I not tell you that yet?” he leans in. “Because I should’ve. You look great tonight, Candy. Or can I say hot? That’s not as sweet and I gotta keep my brand in mind of bein’ sweet with you don’t I?” he teases as her face stays flushed and she grins at the attention. “Oh, that got her blushin’.” He teases and laughs, thumb rubbing over the back of her hand he was holding. “C’mon gorgeous,” he says, putting his arm around your shoulders. “They not complimenting you on the job? They should be. You’re a hell of a lot better to look at than I was.” he laughs, kissing the side of her head. “How do you feel about poutine? I was just in Vancover and the shits insane. There’s a food truck court a couple streets over, what d’ya say?” he asks, nodding his head towards the street.

“I say bring on the poutine, eh.” she chuckles, eyes wide with affection in them instead of worry now as she watched the happy expressions pass over his handsome face. ---------- They walk down the quiet street to Candy’s home after they get out of their ride. She ’s holding a corndog in one hand, she and Eddie alternate bites as he carries her shoes for her, his suit jacket draped over shoulders along with his arm.

“This is me.” she says, looking up at the pastel-colored house, opening up the door with her key.

“This is very nice. A little...family oriented of a neighborhood for you but, it looks nice.” he says, taking in the well taken care of street. He walks into the dark house, the place smelled the same as her old apartment, but she looked like she fit in here better, she should be surrounded by nice things, he thought.

“It’s quiet and I wanted somewhere I could hide away when I wasn’t working.” she says, flicking on a lamp and taking her shoes from him, setting them on a bench by the door.

“I get it.” he empathizes and nods, eyes taking in the rooms.

She watches his face, wondering what thoughts were moving around behind his eyes, as she could tell by the way the corners of his eyes crinkled that he was distracted. “I had more fun out eating with you than I have in months.” she admits, her soft words making his head turn and look down at her. “I really miss having you around.” her lips purse and his pout slightly as she steps towards him.

“I miss you too. No one else laughs at my jokes.” he grins and she smiles, moving to put her hands on his sides.

“Well, it takes a certain sense of humour with you. And patience.” she chuckles, a playful look on her face as her arms slowly wrap around him.

“And I’m thankful every day you put up with it.” he beams down at her as her eyes turn softer in the dim light as she looks over his face.

“I know you have to fly out tomorrow...” she begins, tilting her head, her eyes at his lips and giving away her intention. “But would you wanna spend the night?” her voice is nearly a whisper as if she was afraid to ask.

“Why let the night end now? This is the best I’ve felt in a long time.” he admits, a charming smile looking down at her as his soft and smooth voice wash over her, bringing goosebumps to her skin. One of his hands smooths her hair on one side, fingers trailing down her neck as he looked her over.

“You...interested in making us both feel better than we have in a few months?” she asks, leaning in and he mirrors her, an arm snaking around her to pull her close.

“I’ve had to look at you in this dress all night. It’s been on my mind. A big distraction if you ask me. Almost made me forget my speech” he grins and huffs out a soft laugh.

“That a yes?” she asks with a shake of her head.

“Always a yes for you.” he says with his crooked charming smile before she pulls his him down by his tie to her for a long overdue kiss. His hand moves to the side of her face instantly, wanting to feel the soft skin and hair that he’d missed falling asleep in. The kiss isn’t rushed and doesn’t feel as desperate as either expected. A slow passing of lips and gentle caresses of tongue come and go in a relaxed expression of their fondness for each other.

Despite feeling warm and tingly, and hopeful for what was coming to a head for them, Candy pulls away to make her intentions known. There wasn’t time to be vague anymore. “Eddie?” she whispers against his lips and he hums at the sound. “I really have missed you.” her large doe eyes blink up at him and he slumps at the feeling they give him.

“God, I’ve really missed you too. Not just this...although I’ve certainly missed this but... just bein' around you.” he almost whines.

“We should stop missing each other and try to start finding each other instead.” she says with a lighthearted tilt of her head.

“What’d’you mean babe?” he asks with a furrowed brow.

“I hate that it took me getting jealous like a little girl to say something.” she rolls her eyes at herself. “But I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else.” she admits, a passing sadness for the thought crossing her face. “And...I don’t want to sleep with anyone but you.”

“I don’t want you to be with anyone else either.” he confesses, his brow softening along with the look in his eyes.

“So should we...agree to be exclusive?”

“I made that decision for myself a long time ago, to be honest.” he says with a subtle smile.

“Yeah. I suppose I did too.” she huffs out an embarrassed laugh at the realization. “You would like to...be with me, wouldn’t you Eddie? Like a couple... together.” she says with a nervous glance.

“I would love to.” he almost swoons out at her. “You’re my favorite person, really, you know.” he says with a smile. “I’ve wanted to tell you how much I just...really, really like you for a while but I didn’t want to scare you off. Y’know after what you said about me not having my shit together.” he winces slightly. “Which was entirely valid.” his voice inflects upward in agreement.

“I know I said some harsh things after we first slept together. But you’ve really put in the work Eddie. I’m proud of you.” she says placing her hand on his cheek for a moment. “And by suggesting this I don’t want you to think I’m ashamed or something of you, because I’m not. The total opposite really,” she says shaking her head fast. “But would you mind if we kept this on the down low? With the possibility of rumors about me sleeping with you to get the job I don’t know if it’d look good for us to be open publicly about it.” she says quietly, hoping she wouldn’t hurt his feelings, but she had a career, a brand, and a reputation to keep up.

“No, I totally get that Candy, I do.” he nods. “You gotta protect yourself now.” he says sweetly.

“But I thought if we were honest about wanting to be together that made it would make it easier for us to reach out and see each other more. Because now it’s not weird to text at the end of a long day that we wanna see the other.”

“So many unsent texts that I thought sounded too needy I’ve drafted saying just that.” he chuckles.

“I’ve thought about it more times than I’d like to admit.” she smiles. “I didn’t want our jobs pulling us apart and then we become just some people that used to sleep together back in the day, you know?” she says with a heartfelt honesty that makes Venom break his silence and make a content noise of appreciation for Candy and her sweet words, making Eddie’s brain feed his hunger with the love drugs again.

“I’d never let that happen.” he whispers, touching the side of her face again. “We can make time for each other better now. You’re closer to the airport too, if you’re home I can stay here the night before I fly out.”

“Starting tonight?” she smiles, tiptoeing to brush her nose against him.

“Starting tonight.” he coos back, tilting his head slowly.

“I hope you don’t need a lot of sleep, Eddie.” she grins, a little giggle escaping her as he smiles against his lips.

“I’ll just be getting my sleep on the plane, I take it?” he chuckles.

“Oh yeah. I’m gonna introduce you to being with me properly.” they bat their lashes and hum contently at each other before locking together in another kiss. Unlike just minutes before, this kiss surges forward, feeling desperate in the best sort of way. She lets her guard down and he shows her how much he needs her. They no longer have to say they miss each other out loud because they simply show the other with how their bodies react with everything being out in the open now. Well... almost everything.

@hardygal69 @raceylacy @emerald-bijou @negansdirtygirl22 @brianaisasongbird @vale0413 @izzy-the-ginger @chortletortoise @onomatopoetic-aesthetic @anrm1 @jademox @nightcraver @venomous-possibiities @tinastarkandco @chipster-21

[decreteux]

ethnically , i come from a culture that is EXTREMELY homophobic , transphobic , and xenophobic , and i’m genuinely sorry about that . while my parents are more on the progressive side for people of my country , they believe wholeheartedly that my gay male friends are attracted to me and that being trans is an illness . again , my parents are considered PROGRESSIVE among other korean families . people in korea think that if you have the right to be gay , then hets have a right to dislike gays and it’s really fucked up . luckily i did not grow up with these ideas because my parents never talked about these kinds of things with me or my siblings . HOWEVER this also means that along with growing up in a swing state surrounded by cishet white people , it was hard for me to learn about other minorities that did not exist in plain sight , ESPECIALLY members of the lgbtq+ community .

so where do i , a korean cishet female representing cultures with centuries of intolerance and hatred , stand with the lgbtq + community ? with you , always . i have never tolerated any form of homophobia , transphobia , etc . since i was ten years old , when my friend came out to me as bi and i replied with a simple “ok cool” .gender , sexuality , or the lack thereof , are all just parts , individual characteristics that only make you more human . you have never not had my support but i lack the vocabulary to talk about these things , growing up ignorant of the struggles of the lgbtq+ community . luckily , i had the privilege of meeting a greater variety of people because i have been in the world of classical music performance since i was young , where self-expression is always highly encouraged . but most of my friends on the lgbtq + spectrum are cis and gay or bi . so i had to learn all the other things regarding the massive spectrum that is lgbtq + by myself , studying youtube videos and reading blog posts . and i have to be real , it is honestly really hard to be aware of an ever-changing culture that i am not a part of and did not grow up with . i even explained to some friends here that i am NOT comfortable portraying anything other than a cishet muse because i could not possibly ever understand the experience of someone who had to fight and continue to struggle with and for their gender and sexual identities and respective rights. i do not want to disrespect anyone who has gone through any difficulty because of such vital parts to their being . i do not ever want to romanticize , trivialize or objectify someone’s gender or sexuality because who the fuck am i to do that kind of thing ? 

so in conclusion , i really do put a lot of care and attention to how i interact with you . i feel so much pressure to make everything right because 1 . i care and 2 . i’m HATE drama . i was in a lot of drama before i came to tumblr and i really don’t want to relive that . i hate seeing callouts on my dash and while i recognize they are necessary sometimes i do wonder if these things could have been solved just by talking . i am NOT EXCUSING the behavior of anyone in particular . yes , i am bringing this up because of all the j*lie drama but i am not justifying his behavior or that of anyone else who has proved to be problematic . the stuff with j*lie is just blatantly wrong so i hope you can understand that this rant isn’t about him or anyone else in particular . that being said , i do believe that everyone , to some degree , carries a bit of ill will and whether they act on it or not is an obviously distinguishing factor in morality . thankfully , most of the people on this platform do not act on malicious intent and i do admire our generally unanimous push for good . people who repeatedly cause problems should be recognized and taken note of , that i can agree with .

so here’s my unpopular opinion : i just can’t imagine that every single callout that has happened and will happen in the future is 100% justified and necessary and out of good intention . i have been the subject of a huge witch hunt before and while i did make mistakes and say things i should not have , i still genuinely believe that what i did was right ( you can message me about this privately but basically i confronted a hugely popular instagram roleplayer , my former friend , about his abusive behavior but it turned into an ugly fight leading to me getting kicked off the platform entirely through a reposting and hashtag-driven campaign to have me leave) . callouts should be a last resort and i really really do mean a LAST resort and only made to raise awareness to someone’s bad , unchangeable , behavior . i really believe that like 90% of callouts i have seen are completely valid and necessary but there is that 10% that makes me feel a little doubtful . maybe it’s my personal experience getting to me and i’m being unreasonable idk . 

i don’t really know what i’m getting at with this longass post but these are just thoughts i’ve had while seeing a lot of callouts . i’ve been on tumblr on and off for a while but i guess i was gone when people started doing callouts and making drama public . so i guess in short , please have an open mind . you are not any better than people you call out for ignorance and hate if you treat them with the same attitude they presented to you . AGAIN this is not related to anyone in particular ; i am just really scared of this getting out of hand which is entirely possible . and i ask personally that you please just talk to me about things if i ever do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable . i unknowingly glaze over a lot of things because i’m always tired so i tend to miss a lot of subtle messages so i’ll need you to lay everything out for me and be very clear . but please understand i will always do my best to listen . i do not derive pleasure in hurting other people so please please PLEASE just talk to me if you have any issues . and i ask that as i do my best to listen to you , you will also give me the same patience and effort i show you .

[donnerpartyofone]

What questions do you hate getting? Like what asks really annoy you lol

there are so many ways to answer this! get ready for an extremely long answer!

like first of all, there have been many anon styles over the years that i really object to, but that i wouldn’t consider real “questions”:

- i’ve had people serially send me these elaborate “asks” that amount to some sort of incredibly dreary performance art. the person obviously thinks they’re so gonzo and that they have such an amazing command of the language, but the harder they try to be eccentric and brilliant, the more sophomoric and predictable they sound. i really hated those because they were so unfunny and pretentious, in spite of what the author obviously thought of himself. (i say “him” not only because i prejudicially think this is a very boy-on-the-internet behavior, but also because i think i know who was responsible for a lot of them) reading them was just exhausting and depressing.- i really don’t get the point of copypasta, in which i would include the practice of sending disembodied chunks of dialog from movies and tv. i guess the goal is supposed to be to make the recipient look like an asshole if they’re duped into thinking it’s a real message, but a) it doesn’t make you stupid if you don’t have everything on knowyourmeme memorized, and b) ...it’s always so, so obvious when someone is sending copypasta, even if it’s totally mundane. i can’t explain why, it’s just an instinct. somebody will send me some “weird”, “random” message, and it always has this kind of artificial smell on it. every time i get something like that, i just google the first line of it and find out immediately that it’s from, you know, ANCHORMAN 2 or something. sometimes i also get asks that are just copied from some other actual tumblr’s recent text posts, and those are equally obvious for whatever invisible reason, but somehow they’re even grosser to me. i have no idea what people get out of sending these things.- obviously it sucks to get deranged messages from alt right trolls who have decided for themselves that i’m obsessed with hillary clinton, or whatever else they’re excited about, and who think they can shame me by sending obscure, unverifiable, decontextualized chunks of “news” that could only have come from whatever nazi echo chamber they’re part of. but, i guess that’s just a fact of life now, on or off the internet. 

i do also get these certain types of messages that are more like “real questions”, but they bother me because in part because they’re annoyingly topical, and moreover, because they’re leading questions. i wish i could come up with specific examples but i don’t have the energy to go through my whole archive for these things...it’s just questions about, you know, the latest donald trump gaffe, or the most recent attention grab by james franco or shia lebeouf, or something else that’s a) more of a TMZ topic than what i’m usually interested in, and that b) really has a prefabricated answer that’s the only acceptable response: this guy’s a douchebag, that movie fucking blows, rapists and racists should be thrown off a cliff, et al ad nauseam. i guess there’s a possibility that whoever asks me these kinds of questions hopes that i’ll say something really surprising that no one has thought of yet, but the vibe i get is that they really just want me to go off on a fun, sarcastic tear where i satisfy the person by reinforcing things that they (and practically everyone) already think. sometimes there’s an adjective that kind of tells me what i’m supposed to think to begin with, or the question is structured in such a way that suggests that the author  thinks they already know my answer. sorry i don’t have any fun examples! i just remember the sad, tired feeling of getting one of these after another, and wondering like: what provocative, unusual thing could i possibly say about some youtuber i’ve never heard of who just dropped the “N word”? isn’t that guy just an unqualified asshole, is this really deserving of analysis?

on a very similar note, sometimes i get messages that take this sarcastic tone toward social justice-related shit, like say the idea of being “woke”--as if that word weren’t originated by legitimately oppressed people to describe their need to relentlessly research and fact check every piece of information that crosses their path, because their lives are threatened by evil, bigoted social and political machinery. if the word “woke” is starting to sound ridiculous, it’s only because people with privilege find it hilarious to toss it around, specifically because it’s so far from their own experience. it isn’t inherently funny that people are trying to improve their circumstances through education that goes beyond the conventional curricula, or that people who have had traumatic, dehumanizing experiences are using modern technology to unite and increase their visibility with things like hashtags. the person who asks me these questions doesn’t come right out and shit all over this stuff, but their use of quotation marks and tonality always makes me think that they’re angling for me to thumb my nose at “today’s climate” of political correctness.

and on THAT note, i sometimes have this sense that people want me to be more, i don’t know what, anti-everything than i actually am. like they want me to hate every significant artist with the slightest taint of corrupt thoughts in their work, or they want me to hate every remake of a classic movie just because hollywood remakes = automatically bad. it’s like there’s a hope that i’ll be a lot more radical than i am, in one direction or the other, and i have to remind people that i’m mainly just a regular person who likes a fair amount of regular stuff. that’s kind of a weird experience.

[lilshaikh]

3 a.m. and I’m Unfocused

Couldn’t sleep because I took a four hour (lengthy) nap at about 1 p.m earlier yesterday (still feels like earlier today lol). Was a really great nap. At the same time tho I’m ignoring my homework like always and I wish I was a little bit more focused on life. I have goals and ambitions and at the center of all of it is writing. Writing requires focus and that’s something I definitely have to become more motivated towards. Everything I’m trying to do requires 24/7 attention and I’ve been unable to do that for various reasons but bottom line, it’s all simply just distractions. Everything from the modified app I use to watch movies and tv shows to me scrolling through social media every now and then when I don’t feel like working is terrible for my progress. I don’t think I can detach from it all because it’s obviously a privilege and I don’t seem to be able to partition that from work time. It’s not like I don’t get work done, I do, I’m just a chronic procrastinator and I wish I was better at handling my time.

But here I am, I guess, procrastinating my school work by writing on my tumblr (first post, cheers!) when I could be working on my English essay. So I guess this is just an overflow of thoughts going through my head rn.

I recently started writing down new words. Like before last week I didn’t know what pilfer or halcyon meant. It’s crazy knowing how confined your writing can be when you’re busy doing other things all the time whether it meaningful or you’re just messing around. I stopped leisure reading about freshman year of hs. Ever since then I truly feel disconnected to fiction writing. More so I’ve been doing a lot more nonfiction writing since then so I guess it’s a trade-off.

Anyways, I’m listening to Childish Gambino’s Summertime Magic and it’s a bop no doubt. I’m not really a Glover fan, a couple of his songs are pretty good, that’s all. Also I’m not going easy on the hashtags below...

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I feel confined in general. Almost like my vocabulary is a microcosm or a small-scale metaphor of my life. Parents keep me in the house. They don’t want me to leave because they’re always worried and constantly in wraps over what I might do despite knowing how abstinent I am from what literally everyone does. Everything from sex to juuls and weed, I’ve done nothing and I guess that’s gonna be the main topic tonight (tomorning?). It’s weird because it lowkey feels good.

My abstinence was first shaped by my parents and my religion. I was a pretty devout individual and I still am, just not as much as before and I have to work on that but anyways because of my upbringing and my being from an immigrant family I am extremely abstinent from everything people do. I sometimes think about an alternate reality in which I’m not devout and religious--I’m incredibly happy mostly because I’m already a mess (loool) as I am rn and I can’t imagine what would happen if I had alcohol, sex, and whatever else. So in my mind I just think of it as another distraction that’s not in my life, another deterrent that doesn’t have a crack at me.

I feel so untouched in a positive way. I haven’t had the same mishaps a lot of my friends have had at parties, vomiting after too much alcohol or getting winded up about some hs girl. And of course I won’t be having the same “freedom or experiences” lots of others have but I don’t feel too terrible. I don’t feel left out. If anything I feel like I’ve dodged a whole share of negatives that could have come my way.

So I guess to all the people who are on the border of trying new things, it’s okay. Staying close to what you know never hurt anyone. Not changing won’t hurt you. Ben truthful and transparent with yourself in what you want is the best thing you can do to yourself. And hey if it’s in something that literally everyone does, you’re chillin’.