#so i have all this time to myself.. and im just squandering it ><< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[42lima]

how has your world been in the past months?

weird and lowkey lonely! not ina terrible way. im just tryna be an adult, ? im sure you get it. its like im growing up too slow and same time too fast. like im not on the same timeline as most people ive been isolating myself too much and then feeling sorry for myself about it. as if it isnt my own choice! so i want to start making better choices for myself. what im learning is that almost no ones gonna chase after you, not in the good or bad way. ive been so used to thinking the whole world revolved around me. that was once a way of thinking that kept me defensive and protected but now i think there are better ways to be.

[foragings]

i feel so aimless and full of despair like 89% of the time. and i need to just go to bed but i took a nap earlier and there is only so much time you can spend asleep

[sqvar3w4ve]

i am so normal about the fact that I'll be seeing green day the day after tomorrow. so normal. so. so normal

[roachfarmer]

also hey real quick, idk if anyone here actually follows me for my music but i swear new stuff is coming lmao

ive been engaging in some unproductive habits for lack of a better phrase and now that it's getting colder out i think im starting to come out of it a bit, and im kind of realizing how much free time ive been squandering doing fuck all and not even having much fun with it. I wanna create some stuff again soon and im gonna try n push myself a bit more to do so cause i always feel great when i post music, it just takes a lotta energy and like i said ive been a bit low on that recently.

hoping that in posting this i can kinda hold myself to it a bit, so if ur a fan and u dont see anything new by like christmas, ill give u my address and u can mail me dead mice or something

[quizlythenerd]

negative epictale rant below cut

“epictale sans fans are crazy”

yugo it’s not my fault i have autism and happened to get super attached to the most written character in your story

i’d love epic even if he weren’t a sans. i love him because he had so much potential as a character that you refuse to acknowledge because your own hatred blinds you from what could have been, not because he’s a sans. i would still love him if he were some other character. i would still love him if he were an oc. don’t blame your fandom for liking the most actually written out character in epictale. don’t attack fans for loving the amount of potential a character had to be good. you only hate that people like him because he’s a sans. it’s not fair on the fandom to gatekeep the epictale story and then wonder why nobody focuses on the other characters.

maybe don’t have the main antagonist take up the most screen time if you want people to root for the actual main character. maybe give your main character more than like three fucking scenes in the comic.

rauggghrrrrrr is it bad to say i think gester/epic!gaster is getting the bête noire treatment

he’s the main villain but is unreasonably overpowered and originally got bodied by an 11 year old and then came back and he’s the second most written character in the story

he’s the main villain but is also weirdly glazed in the way of he’s done so many things wrong but it’s literally never fully addressed or explained? he’s a weirdly one dimensional character as are all the other characters of epictale but he doesn’t even have like, ANYTHING to him

he’s just the overpowered royal scientist that wants to destroy all of humankind and will murder everyone that gets in his way. the most nuanced thing about him is the fact that he does [or at least did] care about monsters at some point. not the skelebros though. also he got freaky with moopey at one point

haha isn’t it so funny that gester is so abusive/neglectful to only the skelebros but so kind to everyone else ISNT IT SO FUNNY GUYS HAHAHAHA THIS IS ME LAUGHING BECAUSE ITS FUNNY

kicking screaming crying rn

i hate that epic is supposed to only be a joke character because he literally has the potential to be the best of the characters but because he’s a sans his potential gets squandered

a lot of the topics that can be covered by his character are very important to me and a lot of them get sweeped under the rug in favour of being the jokester that is cross’ best friend

ik im making myself angry but GRBFBRGHRRRR it’s not talked about and i wanna talk about it !!! i could write a multi-part video series covering my distaste for epictale

epic is my favorite character but epictale does not have to be my favorite au as a result of it

is it so bad for a little goober to have opinions on topic that’s important to themmm RAUGHHH

anyways

[misc-obeyme]

i really think i would have preferred it to end sooner, you know? one last og game season to finally progress our relationship with barbatos and give luke time to process the fact that simeon's human now, then wrap it all up with an actual *ending*. it was supposed to end a long time ago i think. it would have been sad, but not as sad as watching this degradation in quality and seeing solmare flanderise all their characters and get progressively money hungry.

idk its just. theyre in a hole and they seem to think that if they keep digging, one day they'll make it back to the surface. ill stay where i am on the outskirts of the fandom, im still attached to the characters but i dont know if ill bother with any new content. but to you and everyone who was still regularly playing and staying up to date with the new lessons i can imagine how much it would suck to have that suddenly come out of nowhere. they really should have given way more advance warnin, they really fucked everyone over. who knows! maybe ill get involved with the fandom again like i used to be. i still think it's important to keep the fandom alive, it's been so impactful to so many people. it's been so impactful to me -- i really had some of the best fandom experiences of my life here, and i know im not alone in that. im glad you're not leaving entirely, and the same goes to the other asks who said they're still gonna draw/write even with the game ending. if the fandom's managed to stay alive despite. (gestures vaguely at whatever happens at solmare hq) i don't think this has to be the end of it.

(sorry for the fucking Mini Essay i guess i had more thoughts than i thought lmao)

No need to apologize, this blog is famous for essays because I have a problem lol.

Anyway, I have to agree with you. I think it would have been much better story-wise if they did one or maybe two more seasons in OG to wrap everything up and then ended things.

Especially because all of the potential they set up with Nightbringer's first two seasons was completely squandered. They could have gone in a good and interesting direction after that, but they didn't for whatever reason.

I have no problem admitting that I'm not quite as heartbroken as I would have expected to be. I've seen a lot of stuff going down in this fandom, both good and bad. And for myself personally, it's mostly been good. I'm here because I have a Barbatos obsession and he was vastly neglected by the games from the very beginning lol.

I feel like I can expand on what we've been given in a way that will be FAR more satisfying to me personally than whatever new content they would be giving us anyway.

I write fic because I want to interact with this characters in a way that is specific to me, you know? I share it because sometimes other people like what I do as well.

I do think the fandom will stay alive for some time. My experience is that fandoms live on far after their source has ended. People also join fandoms after the source has ended. I don't know exactly what that's going to be like for OM, since I'm uncertain about the availability of the apps going forward. But I do think there will be people still engaging with the fandom for some time.

Whether you decide to remain as you are or get more involved, I'm happy you're in the fandom and I hope that you enjoy interacting with it!

[actualbird]

Wait wait wait I forgot why do you hate the dragon/Rosa card? Is it the plot itself or the ending? 👀

irt my luke card story tier list and me putting SSR Looming Nightmare all the way at the bottom labelled with....

okay, so i actually made a post a long time ago about why i hate this card but after rummaging through my archive, i cANT FIND IT so im gonna have to explain all over again. heads up, this is gonna be a longwinded post, so please bear with me...

OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER THAT THESE ARE JUST MY OWN THOUGHTS AND OPINIONS, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO LIKE THIS CARD IF U WANT TO OK. DONT COME AFTER ME.

whenever i read any luke card story and judge its merit, i ask myself a couple of questions:

is it paced well?

does it say something interesting or new about luke, rosa, and/or their relationship together?

if there is angst, does that angst mean something substantial?

were there things in the card that couldve been done better?

overall, did i enjoy reading the card?

now let me go through each question one by one

is it paced well? HELL NAW. the entire first few acts go by so slowly with lots of infodumping exposition. even if there wasnt any infodumping exposition, the first parts of the card are boring. luke is essentially alone trekking up to where the dragon is, and by virtue of being alone, we only get to see his internal monolog with nobody for it to bounce off of. the entire first few parts of this card made me go "are we theeeeeere yeeeeeet????"

does it say something interesting or new about luke, rosa, and/or their relationship together? not.....really. it showed luke's devotion and guilt, yes, but we already knew he had that. i'll give this card some credit because it did show luke's devotion and guilt to Extreme Levels, giving us a glimpse of a "bad ending", so to speak, showing us how luke could end up if he destroyed himself. but like....given that these thing happen in what the card later reveals to be a dream, it feels like everything new that the story brought up amounts to nothing

speaking of it being All Just A Dream, let's head to our next question: if there is angst, does that angst mean something substantial? well, since it all just happened in mc's dreamscape, it essentially made the pain feel like it amounted to nothing. it wasnt real, after all. this couldve been handled in a way that couldve made the dream's pain more important, which leads me to the next question

were there things in the card that couldve been done better? YES. in the card, after mc wakes up from the dream, she remarks that it was strange and out of character and then luke comforts her and then like. thats it. i wouldve wanted to see the story instead delving into this more: like them discussing the implications of how mc's imagination thought it was in character for luke to KILL HIMSELF if he thought himself guilty for hurting and killing mc, how her imagination thought his guilt and devotion would reach that extreme. if they had talked about the dream together, if luke's comfort had more context, then this wouldve solved the problem of "does this card say something interesting about their relationship?" because this would be an avenue for something like that to bloom

lastly, did i enjoy the card.....i will admit, the card made me cry, so it's emotional impact isnt non-existent. but after i cried i was like. huh. most of that story was boring, none of it mattered in the first place, and it add anything new to their overarching relationship.

this is why i hate it

it couldve been better. i couldve ranked it higher as maybe in the "good but nothing special" tier, but like. the fact that it squandered its potential to be more, while also mostly just being angst for angst's sake.....well, thats why i hate it kjBLSJFKDJ

again, all just my opinions tho

[livingthedragonlife]

I am consulting the dragon council to ask about your rook. gimmie the goss. (if you are doing the ask game lol, fighting the urge to say all of them i will be back to ask for all the rest if not one else does lmao) The Magician, The Chariot, The Wheel of Fortune, The Devil, The World

thank u!! i love ask games and since im gonna be writing so much with my rook in the coming days i figured i'd better flesh him out lmao

[the ask game in question]

[my Rook, real name Valonril, also Val, I'll be using all 3 interchangeably]

The Magician: What are Rook's thoughts on Solas? Do they change as the story progresses?

So all Val knew about Solas at the beginning was what Varric told him, and since he's Dalish he also knew everything about the Dread Wolf (though not necessarily how much of it was true). Since joining the Veil Jumpers and learning that most of his people's gods kind of sucked, he was prepared to accept that Solas also sucked.

He was proven right, and took every opportunity to snark (he "exchanged verbal jabs" you might say). Later after discovering his memories, Rook started to feel kind of bad for him? Like yeah, he caused all this horrible destruction and hurt tons of people, but these memories wouldn't be here if he didn't want to lock them away forever. He was genuinely grateful for the help at Arlathan, that whole clan would have died otherwise. And then he met the Inquisitor, who loved Solas, and went... okay maybe he can have an ounce of sympathy.

And all of that was completely squandered by the end. The first thing Valonril did when he found Solas again after getting out of Fade Jail was swear profusely at him. He only handed over Mythal's memories because he knew it was the best way to convince Solas not to destroy the world, and just sort of... accepted that he couldn't convince the Inquisitor that he fucking sucks ass. They can be weird and happy together, he has bigger problems than Solas' love life.

The Chariot: How does Rook fight? What are their preferred abilities and damage type?

I picked a rogue with a Veil Ranger specialization and mostly used the electricity damage abilities, which is a me thing, not a Val thing lmao but I'm sure I can manage to work it into his personality anyway

He can dual wield (obviously, class type), but prefers a bow. He wasn't a fighter in his clan by a long shot, so it was smarter (in his mind) to stay in the back while he was learning how to fight after he joined the Veil Jumpers. It just feels better, as the first weapon he ever mastered, and the electricity is also just habit from his time spent in Arlathan. Without the stress of an active combat situation, practicing archery is like... meditative for him, as a guy who is almost incapable of sitting still. Having poisoned daggers is a close second, though, because even if he has to get up close and fight, he can at least ensure whatever's coming after him won't last long!

The Wheel of Fortune: Describe an interesting character moment for your Rook. What made this moment stand out to you?

I feel like I have to talk about the trans stuff. It just completely knocked me on my ass.

So I went in intending to make Val a trans man, which I did, but the quote when you talk to Taash about it the first time, where Rook says, "Something opened up in my chest, like I'd relaxed a muscle I'd clenched my whole life without realizing it," made me cry in real life. Because that's a lot like how I felt, when I stopped denying myself. I didn't expect something so resonant from the option I chose, but it sure as fuck resonated!!!!

Idk there are a lot of great character moments in this game, but that's one I will never be forgetting any time soon.

The Devil: What type of demon is most likely to target Rook? Why?

Despair. And not just because it happened to me in game literally every single time I ever met a despair demon.

As mentioned previously, Rook is a trans man, and not everybody in his life was happy about that, especially not his dad. One of the reasons he left for the Veil Jumpers was that his situation was too suffocating for him to bear staying in his clan anymore. He had to get out, and has a lot of unaddressed baggage because he left without addressing it, on purpose. As much as he misses his clan, he's positive he'll never be able to go back (even though they would, in theory, accept him) unless he can be sure his family isn't around. He dreads the day he ever accidentally runs into them again.

Despair demons see this trauma and go ooo yummy snack!! And then he kills them. And then he has nightmares 😔

The World: What does happily-ever-after look like for Rook? Is it attainable, or just wishful thinking?

He and Davrin go riding into the sunset to go on adventures, seeing the world, and killing monsters for fun and profit. And raising their bird son. And nothing bad ever happens to them <3

Also, at some point, finding someone with the skill and willingness to do magic bottom surgery ("surgery", more like transgender magic) on him. He'd rather avoid blood magic to do it, which is a steep request. It was hard enough to find someone who knew how to do top surgery, he's not sure if it's possible to do something like that without blood magic, but that's something he can look for on his adventures. And for now he can sling the strap

[hugefuckingtitsmassivepair]

An Undeserving Fate (Dave Strider X Fem! Reader): ARC 1 - CHAPTER 7

Click here to be taken to the master list

yourName [YN] began pestering cherriGasoline [CG]

YN: do u remember that dave guy i told u abt

YN: weee like living together now and hes been super cool

YN: but tonht we got drunk and watched a movie and he pulled me into his chest and instead of saying anything i scooted away from him

YN: im pretth sure i fucked everything up

YN: i dint want to be alone again

YN: he was so fgnking mad

YN: hes probably gonna be gone when i wake up and im gonna be laone again

YN: idfk what to do?????

CG: fuck sorry I was sleeping

CG: wdym you’ve been living together?

YN: yea he’s been sleeping in my couch

CG: why??

YN: his brother locked hm out

CG: that’s crazy first of all. it’s been like 3 weeks

CG: anyways, (y/n) if you’re worried, you should go say something

YN: i cant i ruined everhtging and hes probably so fucking possed

CG: it’s probably not as bad as you think, you’ve just been drinking. go talk to him.

YN: i cant im scared

CG: i understand. im sorry (y/n)

CG: i think you should go to sleep

CG: he’ll understand tomorrow. when you’re sober.

yourName [YN] ceased pestering cherriGasoline [CG]

Fuck, that’s embarrassing. I didn’t even remember messaging her last night. I did remember blubbering about Dave moving out but spam-texting people about it?

The thought of leaving my room and checking to see if Dave was still on the couch was drinking me up the wall. I wasn’t anywhere near ready to face reality. On the bright side, the adrenaline from realizing I’d just ruined the only close connection I’d made since moving to college was totally covering up the hangover.

My bladder was killing me but I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist looking at the couch when I walked to the bathroom. I dug around my room for some kind of container with a lid big enough to piss into but I couldn’t find any trash, let alone something worthy of being pissed into. Fuck my cleanliness and organizational skills.

The walk to my bedroom door felt like it took hours. My heart was gonging in my ears hard. I’m sure I’d manage to find another man who was unstable enough to act that clingy towards me, right? Dave was totally replaceable.

My eyes were glued shut as I peered my head around the wall. From an outside perspective, I probably looked insane but it was the best I could manage right now. I painfully unglued my eyes and ripped them open.

The couch was empty.

My blood pressure bottomed out and it took every ounce of strength in me not to piss on the floor right where I was standing. I managed to speed-wobble to the bathroom in time to save my carpets but the tears were spilling hot and fast already. I felt like I was going to pass out and scream all at once. That was my one chance at having someone around and I drunkenly squandered it because I’m socially awkward.

I didn’t stand up when my bladder was empty. I didn’t know where else to go and there was nothing worth doing. I just held my face in my hands and sobbed. I knew I looked pathetic with my shorts around my ankles, weeping like a child who’d lost their comfort blanket but I didn’t know what else to do. I had totally and completely failed. Through burning eyes, I took out my phone and sent a follow-up text. If I’d already spilled my guts, I might as well finish the job and hang my shame out for everyone to see. Maybe she’d take pity on me and let me move in with her— back home where people still wanted to hang out with me.

I fought with myself to get off the toilet. My legs were going numb and my ass was hurting but the rest of my body was barely functioning. Somehow, I managed it long enough to mope over to the couch and curl into the fetal position anyway.

The cushions still smelled like his cologne. The same intoxicating scent that had fucked me over last night was burned into my furniture. I knew it would only be a few days before the last reminder that he was ever real fully evaporated as it got trampled on by the smell of my own perfume. I didn’t want it to go. I had no evidence he’d ever been alive. I didn’t want to forget that for a fleeting moment, there was potential.

The sight of crumpled up Doritos bags under my coffee table brought the tears back full force. Of course he was enough of a dickhead to leave little reminders of our connection in the form of littering my living room. He could have at least packed his scent and taken it with him if he was going to be like that. The couch cushions were starting to get sticky with snot the longer I laid there. I felt too pathetic to lift my head out of the mess I was making.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” Dave yelped rushing beside me. “Hey, hey it’s okay. Look, I got you some Waffle House. You don’t need to cry.”

The shock of being barged in on during the middle of my pity-party was enough to dry up the tears. The feeling of his hand stroking my back while he kneeled next to me and cooed was almost enough to start them back up.

“I didn’t know what you want so I got you a blueberry waffle. Everyone likes waffles,” he coaxed, holding up a black container. “Unless you’re, like, gluten intolerant. In that case, just grow up and tolerate it.” He tried to laugh at his own joke but it came out weak and sad.

The reality of Dave catching me sobbing over an empty Doritos bag because I panicked and got dramatic over his Waffle House run knocked the wind out of me. Apparently, I was incapable of having even just a single normal day.

Regardless, he was back. I wasn’t alone.

I sniffled, desperately trying to (discreetly) wipe away the snot running down my face. I sat up and smiled, taking the container out of his hands.

“I’m okay. Thank you for breakfast,” I croaked.

Dave’s expression was a mixture of shock and fear. His mouth twitched as he tried to force it back into a neutral expression but it was evident he was equally concerned as he was unnerved.

“Did something happen?” He whispered, trying to offer as much sympathy as he was capable of.

I shook my head and chuckled. There was no way he’d understand any of the emotions I was feeling nor would he want to hear them. The speed in which I was growing dependent on his company would undoubtedly come across as mentally ill.

“If something happened, I can take care of it,” Dave pressed.

His throat attempted to maintain the same comforting whisper but the gruffness of the comment was shining through nonetheless. His insistence was endearing. I almost felt crazy for believing he would ever run off like that. On the other hand, it was crazy that he didn’t. We barely knew each other and I had just— very awkwardly and blatantly, might I add— rejected an advance. In his shoes, my ego would have been bruised.

I wiped the remainder of the moisture from my raw face, forcing a bigger smile. “It’s not anything that needs to be taken care of. I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

Dave nodded, offering me the plastic silverware he’d grabbed with my breakfast. “I understand. Is it that time of the month?”

I almost didn’t register the last part of the sentence.

“Like, your period. Is that why you’re crying?” He explained gingerly.

The noise that came out of my mouth in response was a mixture of a scoff and a groan. I didn’t have the patience nor the lexicon to intelligently unpack that or its implications. Instead, I cut off a piece of waffle and shoved it into my mouth.

He studied my expression with cautious intrigue. “I’m sensing that I’ve made a mistake.”

I nodded, chewing my food slowly. I was not entertaining that conversation.

Dave stood up off his knees, brushing the dust from his pants. “Well,” he announced, clearing his throat. “I’ve gotten you breakfast. What else is on the schedule for today?”

I was reluctant to respond. I was desperate to talk about last night and terrified of doing it at the same time. I had homework to do and I could probably use some groceries, too. At this point, those things seemed like inconsequential, far away ideas. I was swinging too wildly to focus on my research seminar. I could also use an Advil, while we’re at it.

“I’m sorry I upset you,” was all I could manage to say.

There was a long pause between those words leaving my mouth and the next sound I heard. The silence felt like cotton being forced into my throat. I couldn’t breathe.

“Why Dirk but not me?” The voice that spoke was foreign. If you’d played a clip of that sentence and asked me to tell you who it was, I wouldn’t have any idea. It was nothing more than monotonous and dead. However, we were alone and there was only one place that could have came from.

The part of me that had predicted drinking was some kind of trap was correct. That didn’t mean I had an answer to his question. There was no justification as to why I made that decision. Sleeping with Dirk wasn’t something I was necessarily proud of— especially after the amount of shit I’d gotten for it. Dave was undeniably attractive but he was terrifying. Keeping up with his manipulation tactics was a task I didn’t feel capable of. Besides, hadn’t he rejected me first?

“I thought you said you weren’t trying to sleep with me.”

His face twitched from neutral to somehow even more emotionless. He was so stiff that I could no longer see his chest rising and falling with each breath. His eyes were looking in my direction but his gaze was piercing right through me.

“Okay. You do your homework. I’m going to go see a friend. I will be back later.” He had carefully annunciated each syllable like a robot reading a prompt. His voice was normal, save for the adjustment of wiggling on the mask again.

Dave’s footsteps were too perfect to not be deliberately calculated. He didn’t falter once as he opened the front door with mechanic ease and closed it behind him without another word. As soon as his blonde disappeared behind the latching of my door, my lungs released air I wasn’t aware I was holding. My heart was bounding. I swore I could feel it pressing up against my ribcage after that interaction. I wasn’t sure what to think or how to move. In reflex, I just complied. I silently took out my laptop and opened the assignment that had gotten me in this dilemma to start with.

I spent hours burying myself in the screen. The tachycardia somehow motivated me to work faster than usual. Shoving a week’s worth of content into my brain was the only thing I could think to do to prevent myself from panicking any farther. To some degree, it worked. I sat poised and silent for so long that it was dark by the time I ripped my eyes away and caught a glimpse out the window.

My head was still pounding from the hangover. It was doubled by the fact I hadn’t drank any water or eaten anything other than a waffle since he left. The sense of impending doom sitting in my throat was just the icing on top. I knew he probably wouldn’t come back for many more hours. I knew there was nothing I could say or do that would make things any different than the way they were.

I placed my laptop back in its designated spot and climbed into bed. I turned on my cellphone and attempted to scroll through videos. I failed to pay attention and thumbed through my messages. I failed to pay attention and began to stare at the ceiling. I failed to stare hard enough and started to cry.

I didn’t think I had enough liquid left in me to produce tears but my chest was convulsing nonetheless. My face was hot and my hair was glued to my forehead with sticky sweat. I was stuck inside my own head, entirely aware of every creak and groan of the apartment as my emotions puppeteered my body. I’d been through too much too fast. I’d spent the last 3 years of my life fucking up. And after everything, all I could think to do was what I had always done when I failed— sit quietly in my apartment and finish my fucking homework.

In an alternate universe, there had to be a version of me that was quick enough on her feet to say something that would have fixed this all by lunchtime. Though, that version of me probably would have stayed home with my friends and never gotten herself pinned up against the wall in a situation like this. The person who slept in her apartment would be her actual boyfriend who wanted to have sex because he loved her and she wouldn’t have snot in the fibers of her couch cushions. She’d spend her weekends shopping with her friends and making a photo album to show her kids how college was the best time of her life.

I’d been so focused on day-dreaming of a me that wouldn’t still be crying to hear the floorboards creaking or the sound of my bedroom door opening. The only thing that brought me back to reality was the weight of another body climbing onto my mattress and the radiating heat of an arm draping itself around the small of my back. This time, my reflexes were dehydrated and tired enough to do me a favor. I leaned into it.

[canthandlethishit]

attention seeking - venting here

but at the same time i dont wanna burden anyone i just want to end it all by myself and the reason is that i dont want to burden anyone so why tf would i reach out for help

help feels like poison help feels like a threat, something so terrifying to me im more scared of it than dying, though to be fair, fear of death isnt that high up my list anyway….

im just in so much fatigue i feel so tired so done so stressed so stretched thin from everything and also the notion that im definitely overreacting

my parents provide for me and i shouldnt have all these issues so many people have it so bad so so bad and im complaining and the guilt of not using what i have and instead squandering it by destroying myself and the road paved for me

but im also just so fucking tired ive been tired since forever ive been this tired of life for longer than ive been alive and for fucking what

im privileged to be born healthy and well off

and im squandering it by running myself headfirst to the ground im so fucking disgusted by me how fucking dare

but im also just so tired i can’t understand it ive been tired ive been better but the sadness and stress and guilt always take the win at the end of the day

even when im happy id make myself sad again even when im sad id make myself worse because i deserve it

never a full attempt but if i died when i thought i should id be dead at nine or ten or 11 or 12 or 13 or 14 or 15 of 16 or 17 or 18 or whatever and wont have to deal with all this shit

[expfcultragreen]

🤔 scouting places for one of my weddings, my gf said she'd do the watermelon/bat one with me and im already getting ahead of myself since we havent even started paying for the first one

Oh but it turns out i have an agent again actually, i just didnt get their email about signing up to some central booking site with them listed as my agent........im two for two now with applying to agents coast to coast, which is good because I cant handle setbacks even slightly (i procrastinate starting things/making progress because i know if i dont luck out immediately and fully complete a task to my own satisfaction very quickly, I'll virtually abandon the task; setting manageable targets and doing things in chunks sort of works......feels like jumping hurdles when id rather just pole vault....if i have to be patient how about i patiently just not do it, right....the amount of motivation i lose by not doing something all at once, even if its writing a novel or building a house, is close to insurmountable on a moment-to-moment basis......so much has to go right snd get done to start with/via the intial effort that it enters sunk cost territory where im like, i cant squander my own prior toilings)

Like: i applied to one (1) place and got discouraged by not getting a call and not seeing an email, and didnt apply anywhere else for two months. Come to find out, they actually did email immediately

One thing ive learned from other wizards, simon the wizard mostly, is to just like, hold out for The Vibe, dont even try when its not hitting.........of course, MY advice for anyone suffering from difficulty with that, is that the proper medication for anxiety during the vibeless times, is weed

I couldve been running around making panic moves, eesh....i dunno, i applied because there was a sign up at the liquor store i go to. If i dont get that maybe I'll try the thrifts with more seriousness......really wanna be a sorter

You and i may not like it but this is normal so if you want to organize labor........maybe optimize laborer living conditions

[jovine]

Fuck it's really getting to me now. I have 1 week before surgery and that's exciting n all, but I have 2 projects to finish up as well as the entire rest of my course work. I spent like 4 hours on one assignment today to literally only get to 60% and its due tonight. The test on this shit is Friday and my final is Monday. I'm fucked. The more money I blow on this shit, the more I realize I'm not built for this shit but my parents just won't fucking listen which is such a silly complaint, but they're the only reason I can even get an education but i just feel like I've wasted several thousands of dollars and 3 years. I won't even graduate in 4 years despite never taking less than 16 credits full time and then working full time on top of that and I'm just. So tired and I feel like no one who has any capacity to change anything will listen. I have not been able to buy new clothing for myself in at least 4 months because I can't afford rent and food and tuition all at the same time. Im behind my peers in every single aspect of life and I feel like I'm squandering the best years of my fucking life

[pesterloglog]

Jane Crocker, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 5815-5819

GG: Is everything ok?

TG: yeah he just wanted to make sure i dont hate him like yall do which you dont even

GG: I... see.

TG: so im just talking to him a bit to help him not feel bad

TG: sorry

GG: That's ok.

GG: You were saying?

TG: i was gonna say why i finally quit drinkin

TG: i mean if you want to know

GG: Yes.

GG: Actually, once you did stop, it made me finally realize it was a problem for you for a long time.

GG: And I didn't say anything at the time, but it made me wonder if I wasn't doing the right thing before.

GG: By failing to point out you might have a problem? Or just going along with it and participating in lively banter any time you clearly had too much to drink?

GG: Was I just being a bad friend?

TG: nah it wasnt your responsibility to fix my shit

TG: and anyway i think i made it hard for anyone to come at me like it was a real problem

TG: i was always joking around so much and havin a good time like kind of overzealously so

TG: that i probably just made people feel like a shitty wet blanket for even mentioning it

GG: How long do you think it's been a problem?

TG: i dont know its hard to say exactly when i started getting real carried away

TG: just at some point i discovered a load of my moms centurys old booze in the house

TG: and i didnt have much to relate to her by except her books

TG: so i felt like drinking was a way to be more like her

TG: or be closer to her kinda

TG: and there was nobody around except the silly chess people

TG: who in a way just made me feel more alone

TG: cause they reminded me i was only one of two humans left and the other was an ocean away

TG: so little by little

TG: i got out of hand

TG: and one of the only things i had to look forward to was the idea that the game was supposed to be able to bring my mom back

TG: assuming i even decided to help the batterwitch out by playing at all

GG: But it turned out you couldn't bring her back. At least not the way you thought.

GG: So what was it that made you finally decide to give it up?

TG: well

TG: thats pretty much what it was

TG: when i first went to lopan i saw my sprite there

TG: so i got out my bottle of momslime and was all ready for the bestest most poignant reunion ever

TG: and thats when the juggalo struck

TG: and i just knew the witch had fucked me over AGAIN

TG: cause what other hag is insane enough to get juggalos to do her dirty biz nigh exclusively???

TG: NO HAGS BUT HER

TG: and i was so pissed and so distraught about that goddamn clown squandering my sprite

TG: so i got crazy drunk and felt the super sorriest for myself i ever did

TG: but little did i know there would be a lovely silver lining to the debacle

GG: Dear, sweet, precious Fefeta!

TG: :3

TG: she became a great friend

TG: and whats more was she told me not to worry

TG: that my mom would be comin anyway and all i had to do was wait a while

TG: and i believed her cause she knew stuff + was THA BEST

TG: so thats when i decided to clean up my act

TG: i didnt want her to meet a sloppy embarrassing mess of a daughter

TG: even if she did like to drink at some point it was kind of a childish idea that doing so myself would make me closer to her or help us bond or whatever

TG: anyway i think i might of overestimated her drinkin habits

TG: she sure didnt look like no drunk

TG: oh!

TG: jane did i mention

TG: i saw her in a dream today!

GG: No!

TG: shes real young tho

TG: like our age

TG: and she looks so pretty and happy

TG: not like a girl w booze challenges

TG: i think her fav color must be orange just like dirk

TG: she was wearin the same sunny orange nighty deal i caught a glimpse of her in v briefly another time

TG: and oh...

TG: she also called me mom?

GG: Huh?

TG: huh is right

TG: u know im really not sure if shes actually my mom

TG: but i do know were totes genetically related somehow

TG: i just think theres more to it than we know

GG: I guess we'll find out!

GG: Whoa...

GG: The whole place was shaking for a moment there.

TG: wut

[3416]

i’m taking a bit of unorthodox strategy called get ur hopes up and then deal with possible disappointment later 😃 i know everyone’s like don’t expect anything but i cant help it. i’ll just be happy and dreamy until one of them officially posts lol. ANYWAY, what song is robbe gonna use🥺 will he use bowie?🥺🥺🥺 or something cheesy that he loves like own it by stormzy.

JKLFJSDKLF literally.. i think the thing ppl miss with the “don’t get your hopes up” is we already know the immense disappointment of wtfock in general so KFJDL it can hurt me no more than it already has time and time again. like i understand we can’t expect much from them, but at the same time....... if they only post pics on ig today, i’m gonna continue thinking they absolutely suck at social media (which they do <3) flksjdflk so like..... SHOOT FOR THE STARS. they know we want the video, and it’d be the worst move ever after a season like s4 to not at least try to be a little fanservice-y with content when the occasion arises. i know ppl don’t wanna focus on the negative on sobbe’s day, and i’ll be screaming abt whatever they give us, but that doesn’t mean i can’t absolutely shit on wtfock n their social media blunderslfdslf. esp after a random whole 6 minute live................ my expectations didn’t exactly go down bc of it, ya know?

ANYWAY... ANNIVERSARY VIDEO SQUAD.... something’s gotta be up today. i bet robbe.......... HMM... bowie more than likely sklfjdslkf IT’LL JUST FIT.. IF HE’S MAKIGN SMTH FOR SANDER, YA KNOW...

[tulsitea-blog]

yes mother fucker i AM squandering my potential! all 4 me! *smokes another bowl*

[nicegaai]

Ch 5:

Im a little proud of myself for trying to give everyone separate typing quirks. Timo types like a terminally online goober and Ber always ends sentences with a period boomer-style… etc… idk. I thought that was fun. I don’t remember all the details of my texting hcs anymore so I’ll be winging it going forward

Did ao3 break my formatting? Im pretty sure that was supposed to be a “:3” :-( they killed my kitty smile…

Ohhhhh!! This was the ch I finally got a little horny with it, for real. Nice. I think I was like, ‘okay I need to work myself up to actually making this fic nsfw’ … lmao. Im still nervous about actually making them fuck I cannot lie…

WHY DID I CALL EMIL HIS NEXT VICTIM ,,,,,, oh wait I meant like. After touching on Ber he went for Emil next. That ws kind of a fucked up way to say it. I did not like that. But honestly, warranted

Literal actual basic typo. I know exactly what happened there, it was a tense thing and I was clicking thru edits too fast … FUCKK !!!!! 

Cuckold Berwald Real. TO ME. I should have made that exchange funnier. There was squandered opportunity…

THIS S IS SO OOO OO OOOOOO O. OOO OOOOOOOOOOO stupid. I hated that line. Im going to cry. Norgway my delusional insane king . Role model for children around the world. Worlds best brother. i think I have given myself a tension headache

ANOTHER TYPO HELLO?????? Once again I know exactly what happened in the editing process, that was on me for going too quick. Im a dumbass for not noticing until now 

Yeah okayyyyy… I might be a little bit of a bad person for writing this fic. This is so awful, lmao. Cest la vie…

LajglkjsdgjkajksdgjlkalkjdaljKJLkjlsjALKJLGAKSJDGLA I can barely handle this what the ehll man what the hell wha the hell im in distress. I shut my laptop on accident. Yay Emil is being included by his loving considerate older brother figure. This is so evil actually I need to take a walk or SOMETHING.

Emil my beloved king of reading the room incorrectly. He’s just like me frrrrrr

That line sucks. I hated that. Mads would not talk like that wtf. Im going to leave a mean comment on this fic OP needs to know. its WAYYY too late to change it though im just gonna get over it and move on. Sorry for having bad taste last year im a different person now <3

Oh this is so bad. Thats so BADDDDD. im having a GREAT time!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hav u ever um >< been to a pride parade? Girl im going to kill myself this is so much

Im so mean to Mathias. Brainless senseless manwhore with no moral compass. This AU rules

Damn okay bad writing strikes again. This whole section needed another rewrite. I could still fix this. I could make it funnier. I could even describe something for once

AWWW. AWWWWHHHHHHHHHH. Oh my god I adore these guys. i LOVEEEEEE them. Kicking my feet + cartoon hearts circling my head

OH.

OH . OHH. oH NO. AIIEEEEEEEEUUGHGHNNNNSNDNGDNNSGDNSGNSNDNGNSDGNN STOP IT SOPT IT STOP ITTTT AUUGHGH

I don’t want to read this. I know I wrote this horribly. i did NOT expect to run into full on smut already. Jesus h christ … Save meeeeeeee

Ok no sorry this is exactly the kind of reaction I need to desensitize myself to if Im hoping to write an orgy ending. Which uhhh spoilers ofc I am. Its going to build character , for me personally, because I am so so averse to writing porn. We r going to do it. im gonna do it. And right now i gotta read this <- hyping myself up

Um right so. This is really bad and I don’t want to be here. I am not sure how to enjoy this. I want to be enjoying this but I kind of want to jump into a volcano (not sexually).

And its over SORRY FOR BEING DRAMATIC THAT WAS LIKE 3 PARAGRAPHS TOPS. MY GOD. 

Everything I write is cringe to me and porn is like 10x as bad (this is why i needed the liveblog accountability to stay motivated). im sorry for subjecting anyone reading this to my poor self esteem. I will continue to be like this though<3

EMIL REACTIONS. I LOVE REACTIONS. I love the grappling with wtf is going on in this AU. Thats my favorite. The implications. TEE HEE

“Berwald is an only child with “my mom will never get grandchildren” gay guilt, and Timo, also gay, has two sisters—S��pmi (older) and Åland (younger). I’ll edit the previous lore A/N soon.” <- OHHH ok I did say something. Good. I forgot about Åland tho sorry girl. Maybe add fixing that A/N to the list of things I need to edit bcz uhhhhhh

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING ——