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skarmoree · 2 years

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hi long time mutual, I know it's probably pretty obvious from my posting, but I finished aa6 a few days ago and I wasn't expecting to come out of it a slightly incoherent mess that keeps trying to rotate all its flaws into something sensible, I would appreciate you sharing some thoughts or opinions on it or recommending good fanfic to read about it (you don't have to, though). Thank you for looking at this 💗

hooooooooooough boy okay SO i saw this ask in my notifs and immediately ran to grab my laptop so i can actually write a response you are in for a RIDE you've activated my unskippable cutscene i could go on and on and on forever about aa6 it is everything to me

first off: what flaws. its like, on par with every other aa game erhghdflhk theyve all got a couple; people just dont like aa5/6 and nitpick it way too much its exhausting ffjgh

second: *slaps roof of khura'in* [SCREECHES] i have so many headcanons and worldbuilding ideas about khura'in that the game only barely covers/implies/isnt able to show in the limited "only there for half the game" timeframe, not only about the judicial system but also about culture and religion and food and language and climate and--

im gonna put a read more.

Nahyuta Sahdmadhi. bottom text. hi this guy is ourple! and very precious to me hes SO special i am holding him tightly but also what is 🆙 buddy whadda hell.

so the wiki says he's a "childhood friend" of apollo's and lists Dhurke as his "foster father" but also like. he was raised by that man for his formative years. thats his dad. yuty is his brother. very very VERY much so. ga'ran literally refers to them as brothers. yuty says "our father". idk what the wiki isn't seeing theyre brothers and i love their dynamic so much

that being said! their entire dynamic hinges on the fact that neither of them have seen each other since they were aged in the single digits, half a lifetime ago. theyre practically strangers. and that shit is so fascinating to me because you have to realise that theyve changed so much over the last thirteen or so years that theyre practically unrecognisable as the kid the other grew up with. its heartbreaking

see also: how bad do you have to fuck up for all three of your kids to call you by your first name

i am utterly enamoured by how much this game gives you in terms of this family dynamic. Apollo justice can't catch a break. first your sister (not that he knows but he certainly feels like she is) gets fuckin arrested on charges of murder and then you find out the prosecutor for it is your brother. and you're like. oh okay thats weird why's he a prosecutor isnt the DCA what we-- excuse me he what.

look. i think yuty in court is hilarious. he, a monk of a religion that wouldnt have an afterlife or hell simply due to the existence of spirits and channelling. and he spouts all that bullshit and nobody calls him out on it because what are you gonna do? tell the foreigner he's not allowed to talk about his beliefs? apollo, dont be rude he's a guest, athena says. apollo glares across the courtroom, knowing he doesn't believe a single word coming out of his own mouth.

yuty in court also has this subtle difference in demeanour between western and khura'inese courts. he's a little more lax in america i swear on every god out there nobody believes me when i say this but i swear it exists. despite being highly ranked in the faith, or at least held in higher regard due to his status as both a prosecutor and someone close to the Khura'in royal family; nahyuta also has a lot of respect for the sciences? like. despite the fact that the séance is the only thing needed in khura'inese courts to convict someone, brings ema over to investigate? he's slowly and surely working against the ga'ran regime, but he can't do it openly because of the threat of rayfa's safety.

thing is, inga did in fact love her as his own daughter, so i think she would've been safe in some way, which makes everything else feel all the more meaningless. yuty practically gave up in those last few years, you can tell in the way dhurke spoke of him to apollo and how he wants to save him, dhurke blames himself entirely for how distant yuty ended up from him, and how he got stuck in ga'ran's web the final case is meant to feel hopeless, it's such a moment, its the first time we see apollo break in the whole trilogy (bar the off-screen yell over the loss of Clay in 5-4) and he barely pulls himself back together.

but apollo has mr wright by his side during that. nahyuta, on the other side of the courtroom, slowly coming to the same realisation, the same breaking point, has nobody. theyre stuck on opposite sides of the courtroom, ga'ran is viewing it as a triumph, the Dragon is finally dead, and his sons cannot reach for each other, they cannot comfort each other in this time. Nahyuta's line here? the first time he ever refers to his brother in-game by his first name? the broken, quiet, "a...pol....lo"? YEAH. girlies when i say i cracked

im just saying shit ekdxjghk this is getting LONG i have entire essays in my head if you want to hear more i am literally always down to do so i didn't say much abt the american side of things but GOD DAMN the magical turnabout lives rentfree in my braiiim im growing musheroomes thinking about ittttt

If you liked storyteller and want more 6-4 content may i direct you over to my friend @ashe-hallows

Now. fics.

if you want to read abt rayf pollo truce and yuty trying to navigate around being siblings together, and a prank war, please read my friend @echoing-sounds 's work "this means war (a lesson in bonding)"

my friend @amamillalatortilla 's works, notably "call back to reality", a short AU where during 6-5 yuty gets shot (he's fine, prommy) she's also written plenty more aa6 fics for sicktember !

between us & then, by pinkstar14. i read this as it was being uploaded, like. i'd click a new chapter and see the number go up. this is everything to me its so much i adore it holy shit it makes me turn into the embodiment of the girlbypool.jpg its just. a bad situation getting worse and worse and you dont see the resolution until the games bc its a prequel lord help me

(also shameless plugs of my own aa6 fics below uwu) give me two damn minutes (and I'll be fine) , my take on the sibling reveal. if you're going to read any of my fics please let it be this one waugh (this is here bc its set 5 years post aa6 btw lol, and references it a couple times) or try some of my sicktembers! unyeilding, unwavering, understanding, in which rayfa's sick, yuty's worried, and apollo is far to perceptive about the real reasons underlying it who'll save you when you fall?, in which yuty faints, and his siblings try to get him to take better care of himself awake, awake, you children bold, set after the river incident, just some dhurke and datz coparenting I have some others too, set at various points both during and post game (and including ema!) but these are my personal faves

aaaaaaaaallrighty! im gonna stop here edfgjshgfjdgdfkgh but please i adore aa6 if you ever want to talk about it i'll be very happy to listen !

#ask !#i dont have a consistent ask tag and i cannot for the life of me remember what i've used before #shouting and pointing: the game #echo's unhinged hours #im putting it in there bc i certainly took like. over an hour to answer this #aa6 #pollo boy

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lesbianaglaya · 2 years

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Hey, hope you're having a good day! which english translations of war and peace do you like best/think are interesting? hoping to finally get around to reading it this year and idk which one to pick up pls help :))

hi! currently struggling to write less than 15000 words on one aspect of 26 pages of w&p so. im doing. that. but it makes it a good time for this question!

so generally from my memory the pevear and volokhonsky, anthony briggs, louise and aylmer maude, and constance garnett translations are the most common ones. i know there are more but i do not. know stuff about them so theyre getting left out.

first to knock out one: the constance garnett translation was good when it came out in 1904 but now reads as very dry and clunky. its also not the most accurate to the russian text. would not recommend as your w&p introduction.

the maude translation was done during tolstoys life and by his close friends louise and aylmer maude. it received his approval, and is generally considered a very accurate translation! when i first approached it i was thrown off, but oxford world classics recently updated it (adding french back in, de-anglicizing the character names, etc) and that makes it much more approachable. Im currently using it (not the updated edition sadly) for reference as I write when i need to check something quickly and cant parse the russian text and it's really grown on me. if you have access to the updated version this could be a good choice!

pevear and volokhonsky is the one you generally see in book stores! they are a husband and wife translator team who became very popular after oprah recommended their translation of anna karenina. generally accurate to the text. people disagree over whether they deserve all the praise theyve gotten, and while i dont think their translation method is perfect Ive read many of their translations and find them very enjoyable and as mentioned accurate. their w&p is how i first read it, and now im kind of dedicating my life to it. so.

finally the fucking briggs translation. i hate the briggs translation. lots of people talk about how great the briggs translation is, how its so beautiful yayayayayaya. well i think it is bad. I personally do not think it is that much more "lyrical" than the p&v translation, and there were moments where I went and checked the russian text because there were some. liberal interpretations in the translation. my personal opinion aside, many people do love the briggs translation, and I think reading any translation of w&p is better than not reading it. i personally dont like this one and dont find it as accurate as maude or p&v but it is out there and is an option but my personal recommendation is to only go for this one if you cant get into maude or p&v.

so tl;dr i would suggest either the updated maude or p&v! its a great experience, and if you can read it with a friend or a group i think that makes it even better. good luck!

#gabby.txt #hope this helps!

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unironicduncanstan · 4 years

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the “Tangodeltaindia” blog explained,

aka my brain has cringe spots on it and needs to be inspected by the FDA

hi my names randi/uni and i created a total drama island themed ARG two months ago on a whim that almost no one interacted with bc i started off way too niche and difficult, so i kinda just went increasingly off the rails because i knew most likely no one was monitoring my posts and i could just make a real cursed hidden tomb that could one day be discovered by someone in a goonies esque unveiling. but then i got lice and now im sad and uncomfortable so i’m just gonna explain the entire damn thing in one shot. its absolutely batshit and theres a reason no one uncovered it ok here we go;;;

first of all the name. its so stupid but. ‘tango delta india’ = ‘tdi’ in the NATO phonetic alphabet. it just felt like a funny place to start that implies its gonna be a puzzle blog idk,

moving on to the actual content tho; some of the earlier posts mean p much nothing and were just an attempt to draw people in, such as the mr coconut ‘like if you agree’ or the ‘let him inside hes cold’ posts.

then theres the cipher (x). it was posted shortly after the height of the ‘using total drama reference pictures to make an alphabet’ meme. in case anybody didnt see that; for a while it was a joke in the fandom to take the transparent references of total drama characters, and line them up, using them like hieroglyphics to make translatable pictures. its supposed to correspond to the alphabet, based on the first letter of their first name. an example could be, alejandro = a, bridgette = b, and so on. there was no solidly set alphabet amongst the fandom though, it was self explanatory most of the time so i made my own solid personal cipher key for that blog to make the whole thing easier.

NOW ONTO THE FIRST PUZZLE POST,,,, (x). theres a scene, a string of text, the cipher key, and a link to a decoder. the way to decode it all is to plug the characters on screen into the tangodeltaindia cipher key, and then plug That translation into the decoder website, and then finally paste in the text under the photo.

the website linked is to a Caesar cipher decoder. the Caesar cipher is just a code where the alphabet is assigned to numbers (a=1, z=26), and to encode something with it you can move this pattern however you want as long as you keep the regular sequence of alphabet and numbers. so you could scootch over One letter, and “abc” would now say “bcd”. so on and so forth.

looking at the scene + my own total drama reference cipher, alejandro = A, and the beaver = 1, which gives A1. so you could now follow the link to the website, press ‘decode’, and paste in the text under the picture. the ‘shift’ in the middle is automatically set to ‘7′, or as it shows, a -> h, meaning ‘a’ has been moved over by 7 letters. so if you set the shift to just 1 over, or A1, now you can translate the text. it reads;

“lets start simple. after all, a trail of breadcrumbs begins with a loaf. whats the harm in another long winded fandom meme. another inside joke. and arent you curious whats truly lurking inside?”

edgy! simple! kinda just a test to see if people would do it or not. which they didnt so of course i tried to make it weirder-

puzzle 2; (x) using the exact same translation rules as above. we have alejandro and the snake, which with the tangodeltaindia cipher key means A6. going to the website, putting it in ‘decode’ mode, pasting in your text, and setting the shift to ‘6′ gives you this translation.

“in his eyes are an island. nothing but a dream, born out of going to bed angry. sink or swim.”

this was just hinting around at where the story was gonna go so it’ll make more sense later. something else to note; if you zoom all the way in and look into alejandros eye (’in his eyes’), you’ll see the word ‘Thera’. ~thats a surprise tool that will help us later~

so after this one, there are two non-puzzle posts that are also just hints (i was just tryna see if i could get people hyped), the first is a close up picture of chris with red eyes that simply says “those arent his eyes”, and then a post that says “his real names not chris :)”, they’re again referencing his eyes, and this time further implying theres something fake or wrong about them, or with chris as a person. again, it’ll be explained better later on.

moving on to puzzle 3 (x), another test to see if anyones keeping up (which also failed josdfjsdfkjs), using the same translation rules, dj = a dash or minus, and the snail = 5, “-5″, shift the letter ‘A’ BACK five instead of forward, and you get the simple translation of; “getting harder now.”

puzzle 4 and 5; at this point, there are two images posted within hours of each other that i’ll explain together as they line up. (x) (x)

These are some of the only ones that can be translated from just the tangodeltaindia key directly. They end up a string of numbers, which are latitude and longitude coordinates. The first post, labelled “the lie”, translates into “45.57394802102744, -81.46817207492494″. googling that will take you to maps and show you to a place called Lonely Island in Canada.

The second one, “the truth”, translates into “36.404663113177534, 25.39605673375295″, taking you to Santorini, Greece.

This is where the hints got really out there bc i realized nobody was following along but i still wanted to paint a picture. so this is the set up;;; the idea that the ‘island’ (camp wawanakwa) existing somewhere in canada, is a lie. the ‘true’ location being santorini isnt meant to be taken at face value though. the mythology behind santorini is that a man impregnated a goddess and to escape the wrath of her father (triton), she formed the island (santorini) by having her lover throw clay into the sea, and then she gave birth to her son, Theras, on this island, giving the island it’s Other nickname, Thera.

this is again just a vague implication that the island might not be real at all, or that it was formed through cosmic means.

the next two posts are more non-puzzle hints, the first showing the definition of the word ‘fresh’ (new), and the second being images of total drama backgrounds with no characters and the text reading “they were always empty.” more, admittedly very outlandish implications that the island is some kind of illusion, but again mostly just another try to drag people into the blog.

puzzle 6. (x) this one introduces a new concept to the regular translation rules, some of the characters are laying down. its kinda supposed to imply they’re “dead” and that you need to take their corresponding letters out of the alphabet given on the Caesar cipher page, below the shift. The upright characters translate to “-9″, so you shift ‘A’ back 9 letters. Then remove the letters; “TH-E-R-A-S”, and with those letters taken out, you can finally translate the text.

“he creates life solely to destroy it. to crush it in his hands. he births chaos so that he may have something to control. the power has given him madness. the isolation, arrogance. don't try to stop him, he's already chosen to be unstoppable. his mind is a perfectly crafted prison, one we will all soon be living in.”

this is where the story gets more on the nose. it’s talking about chris, and about him being an unstoppable cosmic force, a diety who can create worlds within his own mind, and he does so maliciously just for power. hes created the campers through mental energy just to torment them. it also hints that his plan is to expand the world of total drama island and engulf the whole universe.

puzzle 7. (x) same as the last puzzle. beaver and moose translate to ‘1-0′ or ten. the characters lying down to remove from the caesar cipher alphabet are “T-U-L-P-A”. this doesnt have anything to do with the modern way some ppl interact with tulpas but just the actual idea of creating thoughtforms, or willing your thoughts into real life creations, referencing how chris has created the entire island and everyone on it solely through his mind. with those letters removed and the shift set forward 10, you get this:

“his psychic power is unfathomable. the reality he bore was just a passing thought. an idea that became so dangerous. he predates the idea of a mind, the minds own ability to recognize itself, his synapses are paradoxically ancient. the island exists only within himself, to torment the souls hes created, and damned from the start. will they ever be free?”

it states that chris is more than a man or even just a diety, hes an all powerful god already, yet he craves more power. the final line, “will they ever be free” is in reference to the campers, which segways into the next arc;;; freeing the campers from chris’ psychic island imprisonment.

puzzle 8. (x) to solve this one you have to translate the top image with the tangodeltaindia cipher key, and add it to the text given, which creates a link. this leads to a PDF, a page from a book written by terence mckenna. he’s a famous ethnobotanist known best for his studies on DMT, the strongest hallucinogenic drug in the world, its also known as the spirit molecule. many people on this drug (without any prior knowledge of this phenomenon) will recount meeting strange fractal beings that can create things in the universe just by speaking them into existence, theyve come to be known as ‘machine elves’, a term coined by mckenna. ill show the most important excerpt from the page;

this is less about the psychedelic drug part and more about the words and ideas, like “punching a hole through a dimension so it pours through” and “if god didnt exist man would invent him”. its more worldbuilding towards chris’ power and cosmic abilities

then come 2 more clues. a picture of chris holding his own body captioned ‘ego death’, and the meaning behind the name ‘chris mcclean’. the latter is another “please look over here” post, but the first is another minor reference to the previous puzzles answer involving DMT and terence mckenna. ‘ego death’ is a term again used with strong psychedelic drugs, its the sensation that your spirit as you know it is literally Dying, and you are instead connected to and a part of everything around you. another reference to chris’ power and how he may look like a man but his body and spirit are connected to the world hes built in unfathomable ways. at this point im cementing the idea that chris mclean is not a mortal man and cannot be fought with mortal weapons

puzzle 9. (x) this one was an attempt to make easier to solve puzzles, and comes with a visual of chris looming over the island. the text is in wingdings, which can be translated through multiple websites found through google. it says;

“s︎o︎o︎n︎ h︎e︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ s︎l︎e︎e︎p.︎ h︎e︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ d︎r︎e︎a︎m︎ a︎ n︎e︎w︎ h︎e︎l︎l︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ w︎i︎l︎l︎ b︎e︎ o︎u︎r︎ o︎n︎l︎y︎ c︎h︎a︎n︎c︎e︎,︎ t︎o︎ s︎a︎v︎e︎ h︎i︎s︎ c︎r︎e︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎s︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ f︎r︎e︎e︎ t︎h︎o︎s︎e︎ w︎h︎o︎ w︎e︎r︎e︎ n︎e︎v︎e︎r︎ d︎e︎s︎i︎g︎n︎e︎d︎ t︎o︎ b︎e︎ f︎r︎e︎e︎.︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ m︎a︎y︎ c︎o︎m︎e︎ a︎t︎ a︎ c︎o︎s︎t︎.︎ t︎h︎e︎ n︎i︎g︎h︎t︎m︎a︎r︎e︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ e︎n︎d︎,︎ t︎h︎e︎ o︎u︎r︎o︎b︎o︎r︎o︎s︎ o︎f︎ h︎i︎s︎ s︎y︎n︎c︎o︎pe︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ c︎l︎o︎s︎e︎,︎ b︎u︎t︎ i︎t︎ m︎a︎y︎ t︎u︎r︎n︎ o︎u︎r︎ e︎f︎f︎o︎r︎t︎s︎ o︎f︎ s︎a︎l︎v︎a︎t︎i︎o︎n︎ t︎o︎ d︎u︎s︎t︎.︎ o︎u︎r︎ f︎i︎g︎h︎t︎ m︎i︎g︎h︎t︎ e︎n︎d︎ i︎n︎ s︎a︎c︎r︎i︎f︎i︎c︎e︎,︎ r︎e︎n︎d︎e︎r︎i︎n︎g︎ h︎i︎s︎ l︎a︎s︎t︎ i︎n︎v︎e︎n︎t︎i︎o︎n︎ b︎u︎t︎ a︎ c︎e︎a︎s︎e︎l︎e︎s︎s︎ v︎o︎i︎d︎.︎ w︎e︎ m︎a︎y︎ s︎e︎e︎ h︎o︎r︎r︎o︎r︎s︎ t︎h︎a︎t︎ c︎a︎u︎s︎e︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎t︎a︎r︎s︎ t︎o︎ s︎h︎u︎d︎d︎e︎r︎,︎ b︎u︎t︎ w︎e︎ m︎u︎s︎t︎ t︎a︎ke︎ t︎h︎i︎s︎ c︎h︎a︎n︎c︎e︎.︎ w︎e︎ h︎a︎v︎e︎ n︎o︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎ t︎o︎ l︎o︎s︎e︎,︎ a︎n︎d︎ a︎ w︎o︎r︎l︎d︎ o︎f︎ n︎o︎t︎h︎i︎n︎g︎n︎e︎s︎s︎ t︎o︎ e︎n︎d︎.︎ m︎a︎y︎ t︎h︎e︎ s︎e︎a︎ s︎w︎a︎l︎l︎o︎w︎ u︎p h︎i︎s︎ i︎s︎l︎a︎n︎d︎ o︎f︎ l︎i︎e︎s︎.︎ g︎o︎d︎ pr︎o︎t︎e︎c︎t︎ y︎o︎u︎.︎”

this is essentially saying that the island, the campers, werent all just created from his mind, but from his dreams. this confirms that he Sleeps, and claims hes going to sleep again soon, and during that time period theres a chance to kill him before he can dream up another world (or season) to control and torment. its also saying that theres a chance killing him will destroy the island and campers, but that its the only choice we would have to end the cycle. hey guys i am so bored and over the years i have been on every stimulant and anti depressant doctors are legally allowed to prescribe and its still just not quite there yet huh

puzzle 10. (x) the video, the title translates to “the island of his eye”. its just meant to encapsulate everything ive already been hinting around at but with real footage and some audios taken from the show, and again, it was me tryna make some lore that was easy to digest and also terrifying to an audience with no other context. the final images are the only new clues, if you pause fast enough you can barely make out the characters that (paired with the tangodeltaindia cipher key) would say “set them free”, and you can also see an aerial view of what is actually called “the eye of argentina”. it is a real island that rotates atop a swamp, it is geometrically perfect and no one really knows for sure why it rotates the way it does or how it was formed. this clue is simply related back to the idea that the island of wawanakwa’s location is not in canada, and that it does not function like a normal island.

puzzle 11. (x) what td blog is complete without a uquiz? anyways, it doesnt matter how you answer the quiz, theres only one possible result. the title is a link to a mega file, which is protected with a decryption key. the image attached to the result, when deciphered, is the randomly generated key to the unlock the file. the image you see from the file is this; (TW for mentions of self harm and eye trauma)

in case this is too hard to read ill transcribe what it says;

“How to escape the dream - accept that there is no dream to escape, and no you to escape it. - believe in it anyways. - sleep on your back. - cover your eyes. - hide a nail under the pillow. - wait for the ringing. - when you first see him, dont call his name. dont speak. - keep your eyes shut. - on the second night, ask where the camp is. he wont respond verbally. - on the third night, you’ll see his eyes. - on the fourth night, you’ll enter them. - you can’t turn back after the fifth night. - don’t try to hide your fears. he knows them before you arrive. - don’t shut your eyes for too long when it becomes too much. you risk losing them. - find chris mclean. - don’t stop till the nail is through the socket. - repeat on the other side. - repeat on yourself. - congratulations. they are free”

this is, believe it or not, an idea that comes from my very own sleep paralysis experiences. ive dealt with it a lot, so why not make a weird ritual thing for an arg based off it ig. so whenever i’d fall asleep on my back, i’d eventually hear this ringing in my ears (or it’d happen upon waking up), and then the sleep paralysis would begin. i only ‘saw’ stuff a couple times but the fear for me was really more about the overwhelming sensation of pure dread that always came along with it even when i was aware what was happening, and i Always got this feeling too that if i opened my eyes in that moment, something was gonna stab them.

so moving on to how that applies to the arg, the first few lines are about how, obviously, the island is not real, even in the lore being given its a figment of chris’ imagination, but you have to enter it anyways, and the only way to do that is to believe its real. then it tells you how to ‘enter’ that world, (btw i didn’t expect anyone to actually follow these instructions if found, but even if they did, the whole ‘sleep paralysis being caused by sleeping on your back’ thing usually only happens if you’re predisposed to having it and only happens to Some people who have it, so the intent was like. never to bring that upon anybody. but if you are prone to sleep paralysis plz do not attempt even as a joke or anything thx)

the parts about hallucinating chris then are as follows, “ask about the camp / he wont respond verbally” , meaning he will show you through a dream instead, one that might look a lot like the video from before. “on the third night you will see his eyes”, meaning you will see the island but not be able to interact with it, or basically, how we see total drama on tv right now. “on the fourth night you’ll enter (his eyes)” references the island existing ‘within his eyes’, meaning you will enter the actual island. the next night chris will sleep and you will be able to enter the island again and find him. the idea with the nail is that, if you destroy his eyes you destroy the ‘island’ within them. wrapping back around to sleep paralysis, the idea of stabbing yourself with the nail afterwards is because sometimes, the only thing you can move during sleep paralysis is your fingertips and toes, and wiggling those can help bring you out of the paralysis. so at first how i used to wake myself up, but it didnt usually work fast enough so oftentimes id just pinch the shit out of my fingers and use pain to make my muscles start up faster.

the next post is a link to a countdown. again, i knew nobody was rly following at this point, but i wanted a little more build up before just dropping the ending. it was set up to end 5 days after the last post, aka the one that mentioned a 5 night dream ritual.

puzzle 12. (x) going all the way back to the normal multi step translation puzzles. the coloring of the cipher is a bit different, and its missing chris, but its meant to be used the same as it was before, these changes are only for dramatic effect. and chris is gone because well. we mentally offed him in the inception dream land last time. so anyways the snake = 6, shift A to 6, take out the letters “R-I-C-K” of the characters laying in their graves, and you get this translation;

“its almost time. we must now crack open our minds like a crowbar to a sealed chest. like an egg to a pan. to find our way into camp wawanakwa our ego cannot remain intact, and to traverse it we must stay strong. to escape it, we must glue the pieces back together. now we sleep. dream. end the nightmare.”

this is a final message before ‘entering the island’ to kill chris and free the campers from the island. it acts like a pep talk.

the next post is just the countdown ending.

puzzle 13 (the finale). (x)

this post sends you to a new blog entirely, called @awakenfromthenightmare. there is only one post on it. the post has another link to a mega file, and the link is attached onto a string of text. follow the link by clicking, then copy the text and paste it in as the decryption key. now you have another image to translate with the tangodeltaindia cipher;

when translated, the text is another link to a youtube video.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

so there you have it, that video is the ending to the entire arg. it didnt really end the way i wanted at first, i got burnt out from no engagement about halfway through which isnt anybody elses fault, but i still felt this was a well crafted and fitting finale. thank you all for reading.

#tw self harm ment./ //#tw eye trauma / //#tw unreality// //#tw drug ment/ //#long post/ //#like a mile long just look at the tws its a rabbit hol e

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daaziscoolbesties · 3 years

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i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

#long post #sorry its so messy but like i said its almost 3 am and i dont want to go back and format all this #i might come back and make it look nicer in the morning #maybe not who knows #i just checked and this is 1.5k words what the hell

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misterbitches · 3 years

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Hello! @flootweed replying to the post from before. the long format was killing me. why does tumblr look like this...

I haven’t watched episode 8 yet...or have I? If it’s the most recent one. No.

Is the hornbill a bird? It probably is but I have a terrible memory and I’m dumb so. I skipped the last few weeks because I’m scawwed. How are you liking it? I did see someone say that the hornbill makes sense (without knowing what it is...at all) bc heart transplant patients only live like 5-15 years after but someone in those comments pointed out that he was so young when he got his and that’s pretty rare so he has a higher likelihood of survival. Frankly, this is the only way I will proceed. Since when did shows ever care about the heart transplant health? Never and it needs to stay that way!

What did we think of ep 6? LMAO. I need opinions! And omg it makes me feel special when I can point things out to people because I so...rarely get to LOL. Editing is like one of my favorite things ever so I can be super particular about it but I try to do the thing you do when you’re supposed to see if it works within its context. I’d like to go in with scissors and glue but alas.

THe mic covering....the rustling....it’s like guys...please. Ironically the audio today wasn’t great. I don’t know why. IDK if you watch c-dramas but I am not even sure what’s worse between them because they dub their dramas. But actually no it’s best to have the dubbing because even tho it is painful they have to put a lot of effort into it. LOL.

Right? @ Aey! It’s just weird if they would show us more about what he’s done instead of saying he’s done sth bad and not even explaining that....like you could even do some shitty exposition. I think if he is to be a true villain then we really need to be privvy. All the warnings make it seem like he’s a fuckin’ serial killer so when we get the scene of him at home it’s like....actually this is really serious? Maybe his pain is like...for a reason. Althought you won’t even TELL US WHAT HE’S DONE WRONG BESIDES BE JUST FUCKING WEIRD AND ANNOYING! So from what we have it’s just a realllllllll fucked up sad person lol. god i forgot about the dinner! and i totally agree. he really needs them to succeed. i like your theory because it would make the scene where he like blocks the twitter user make more sense. he also says they dont really know each other etc so it’s realllllyyyyy probable that he just sees it as a way out. if not then we shall pretend u wrote it :)

god yea i wouldnt say it is art but i also guess we technically have to since it is technically. in the way that technically performance artists are artists but mostly i uh technically ignore them. Also one of my fav BLs is called the best twins. If you do not know what it is I will not elaborate further.t

i want to know more abt poli sci majors lmao but they sound DRAMATIC/ hopefully most ppl in ur cohort arent losers!

hahahha i understand. there was just a thing on twitter about DSA and then the day before about reading discourse. the same thiings. over. and over. and over. and over. we are our own worst enemies but also our own best friends? but i hate tankies and that wont change. but hasan’s a decent guy. he said sth abt black ppl during biden’s primaries in GA or whatever and i was like chill. but he’s insecure and has adhd which means ur more open to being wrong and changing otherwise u will suffocate and die.

and totally about hiding fuck ups. i’ve tried really hard bc of organizing IRL to like...be honest, question, etc but also like...approach it naturally? because if you’re trying to be perfect and so worried you’ll fuck up you don’t realize that puts more stress on you, makes you seem like a robot, and could potentially not make you realize the mistkaes you made. also if we’re privileged in certain spaces there is just no possible way we won’t get something wrong. im light and i know that honestly any way to speak up on colorism is going to be difficult and that’s a space where i have power so i just have to figure it out. we should be uncomfortable because we have to sit with unpleasant feelings and sort through our own whatever. that just makes the next time even better and people can trust u more. i think some people sweat it sooo much or maybe they think their personal life and what theyve been through is more the norm? on the other hand people can be sf reactionary in the worst way and idk what their issue is. there was also a user who said sth very inch arresting about tankies which i thoroughly enjoyed (how like violent lefitsts or tankies / ppl who are like ooh a gun whatever just want to be violent in another space so they have shit tendencies from jump and nothing of substance which i think i agree with tbh fo ra lottttt of ppl. like their anger is actually like “no im about to beat that ass” instead of what we actually want to get done)

sort of in the same vein re: taking it easy...we coudl all be more understanding too. to slow it down like you mentioned about not being privvy to fucking eveyrthing and saying anything on our mind. i saw this person talk about y2k which was a huge deal while happening bc it was the turn of the millenium (bruh were u even alive?) but this twitter user grew up in a super super SUPER religious household and was like why do ppl make jokes about Y2K it was insanely traumatizing? though my first instinct was confused ive tried hard to like look more before i judge especially thanks to a friend of mine. turns out that with the further reading the more we found out he was just really traumatized; it was very common in religious households to be afraid of 2000. so we could have come at him with no understanding and he could have thought that everyone had the same experience with that year that he did. his feelings sit precedent though but i think it was just very hard for him to fathom.

i didnt reply bc he didnt need that and what could i have said? he’ll see what the truth is with exposure and unfortunately this was something he really did go through.

and that’s what makes most people think others could be over the top. because it sounded ridiculous but then it was this huge traumatic thing that we could have never known about. so maybe when someone sounds like actually crazy they have an explanation? of course some ppl are just batshit or annoying but that’s anywhere not just leftists it’ just means more i guess when a ~~librul is annoyed~ but it can be easy to want to make fun of ppl too. lmao. basically what i am saying is the internet? especially twitter? for leftists? in this economy? bitch it’s the wild west out here.

i am 29! idk if i said it or not. i am OLD u probably werent even born in the year i was talking about wah. i know not old-old or old at all but compared to you i’m due for a colonoscopy.

omg i hope u can get vaxxed soon! are you wfh rn? i hope ur also not in a bad state as in state state not state as in ur being :| bleh what a fucking time. it sucks that you have to fucking do work. well unless u like school. which i hope u do. i just assume everyone hates it cos i did lmao

was it the lindsay ellis drama? that bitch is dumb. if there was other drama oh wait the drama i was referring to it all happened on the same day. idk book twitter that well but i saw something from someone who was abt that shit and wowie! the american people are not that.....intelligent to put it lightly.

i’ll get better. ppl tell me they miss me and im like aw. i have insanellllyyy bad insomnia and a lot of stuff happened this year HOWEVER I SLEPT FOR TWO DAYS FOR 8 HOURS AT A REASONABLE TIME. im a new woman. anyways you too! i hope ur not too burnt out with school. we just dont know when the burnout is or we just dont know we are burnt out until we are. the panaramiciccici hit and all the things i was ignoring kind of just fell on me and sooo much happened at once. and frankly it’s hard to take care of ourselves. lord.

Like if you aren’t interested in expanding on the issue in a way that hasn’t been done before all you gotta do it like… spread resources and donate if you can. I dont see the point in having to say something about every issue especially if you (not at you specifically just in general) aren’t immediately impacted by the issue. Like is the 14 yr old white marxist named sarah on twitter really gonna have meaningful insight on anti-asian violence ?

this is part of why i cannot telecommunicate. i dont want to do shit on the internet. i am able bodied so i know that this time has been of such ease for other people. but mentally i just can’t. i don’t have a comment on hand like that and i hvae no desire to engage with ppl that way. i am a super super super solitary person but thats bc it’s MY time so when it’s like all this effort with other people i dont ever want to be alone. it’s the same with the way i approach filmmaking. it isnt a sole thing so i hate it not together. that’s part of how u can get so sucked in and repeat doom scrolling. i was in this webinar last may after [redacted] and this black woman prof said “read with a community and talk” because otherwise she said we are torturing ourselves. you can’t carry that weight all on your own. unfortunately i hate zoom, discord, slack, signal, whatsapp, facetime. you name it this panera has made it evi.. L

you make a really excellent point. i think the young young gen zers are really really just interesting because it’s like this whole new world for them with leftist politics and they just can’t grasp the horrors of the world and the kind of freedom being a leftist can bring. and so many people don’t grow out of it. those people so happen to be the “least productive” in terms of how much time they spend IRL withe these issues. naturally, younger kids are gonna have a harder time. they are not as mobile as well so the internet becomes this place. but then it’s this echo chamber. and many times just things posted without sources. and social media NEEDS that to exist.

i think of the irony of leftist kids on tik tok and while i am happy it’s reaching them it’s just....different. very different. the growth of social media is so good but also so fucking sad, it’s too much! i think the point about not writing everything is major. even i have to do this which is part of the disappearing.y ou need to detach and make sure your head is on straight again. but when you think eveyrone has to be privvy to every thought and you can’t just sit back....which twitter and social media doesn’t encourage. you have to join in. that’s often why when i have something to say it is dense because i don’t feel like repeating it. ever. lmao ust ever. i cant pay attn. social media is a fucking minefield for my brain u can get so lost in it and absorb it but once u start talking you may not be able to stop.

i think a big part of that is it not being a leisurely thing but sort of just in our lives always. this sounds like a grandpa rant but ykwim. We dont have to see the same thing over and over again. And eventually it gets sincerely diluted or its diluted bc of capitalism or whatever. Or if theyre very young or maybe they don’t have like the greatest way of sharing the knowledge? then it can be butchered. I hope this is making sense...i’m talking beyoond the boring surface-level milquetoast shit. i see really ahistorical stuff on there from leftists (like this thing about NK + africa and it being a beneficial rship as opposed to a um not beneficial one. and it isn’t. beneficial but this young black girl was talking abt it and noname rtd and i was like it’s just too complex. there’s no good/bad here just bc it’s not america. dont get me started on this.)

but Lol that was kinda off topic but I think what I meant in my last reply about not turning off the voice in my head is about when I consume media, not necessarily when I’m online talking about. Even if I have criticism for something, I’m usually pretty chill when consuming fandom content bc I think being serious online all the time is kinda boring. Like sometimes I’m analyzing theme and shit but really most of the time im memeing.

exactly.........gotta laugh. thats why sometimes im like i cant think lmao. unfrotunately i have been ARGUING with ppl on the internet for rly no reason when i could have replied to ur very nice fun wholesome message. i love torture. i miss memes.

“ i think the people who get the least enjoyment out of that are those so obsessed with getting upset with anyone thinking outside of their lines as if it equates to them “ EXACTLYYYYY

kekekekeke im glad u got it. it’s like with conservatives throwing around snowflake. now im beginning to question who the real complainers are.

LMAO exactlyyyy. i posted a screenshot of this writer from twitter saying that exact thing. Like first of all, I’m...an adult? and if you are as well uh? i’m sorry for you but are we 12? But how is it affecting u this viscerally? And if it does why dont u...do...research? pihgofuaipoajghou but honestly everything u said. we’re trained to go into it with nothing. i was only around ur age when i started to get more serious about this stuff but you’re like lightyears ahead of where i was at 21. did i say this but i’m in iww and literally i can tell u in 2016 i did not think 2019 me would be in a union bc i told my friend in a train station that we don’t need unions. i was 23...but the thing is i didnt know what i was talking about. at all. and i knew i didnt know and she knew i didnt know and now i am the clown.

also yes at critical engagement. i had to learn so much through experience and this is tuff that i coudlnt be shielded from. there’s an empathy you kinda have to develop and this understanding that you move through the world as this person who is “nowhere and everywhere; nothing and everything” so i’ve always had to think about things differently just to survive. that’s also what can drag a lot of people towards it like theres so many black kpop fans bc i think a lot of the pain in SK can be mirrored (sort of) through our history. and theres currently a history now but it had to be forged. uh what was my point oh yea however i wouldnt have been able to move further if i didnt have my background to go off of bc i knew something was off when i started getting into all these things (ill give u a hint) but if i had no prior knowledge and didnt have to think about it then the critical approach is either stale or stupid.

i had to research but i dont understand how ppl are so bold with little to no research and understanding? thhey just inherently know with also like ZERO experience in what they need experience in. engaging critically means “how i see the world” with dashes of trying to be open adn understanding or whatever. actually that’s another thing like being afraid of criticizing things bc theyre foreign to you so u give it a pass (like we discussed) but it doesnt hAVE TO BEEEE JUST REAAAAAD and then take all the info ur teensy brain and apply it. be a normal human being and dont be fucking rude and racist. thats it! u can complain abt literally anything without being a dick.

as we start with LW and end with LW.....what do we think (i asked this already) omg please share wbl thoughts i THINK i know what ur talking about. well it could be two things; their rship when they came back and the physicality and then pei shou yi. i almost dont even want to use my brain to fucking look at that. i think wbl can get away with more bc of visual~*~*~* reasons (like literally, the look of the show. there’s more space to get lost in the frames. many thai dramas are a lot more literal? this isn’t the right word but it’s very heavily character focused particularly bc of $ i think) though good production also underscores flaws so i am also wrong. but like do u know what i mean? u have to kinda focus on it? or maybe it’s just cos like.....ur so used to it in thai bl idek. i’ve seen tw bl ofc.

look i swear i will justify this forever bc there are some things we miss right but if u feel like someone’s a bad actor....theyre bad. it’s about tone movement etc etc etc and since most thai bl productions have 0 interest in that....well. they take these newbies and put them in these situations. we dont understand thai but if we see them and we’re like “wow this is really bad” then they’re bad lmao. IDC i will never be like cos idk what theyre saying NO WHY HE LOOK LIKE A ROBOT???????? DOES HE EMOTE? why is he CRYING WITH NO TEARS? and it’s not even a total requisite to cry with tears(i mean for me it is) but it’s just like what is happening on ur face right now young man????????

painful.

the inflection stuff is very valid ooh good point tho but that’s only a part of the piece. plus we get used to the way they communicate. like the ppl from sotus were prtty bad. i dont like that show but thats an ex of ppl liing the actors and the person i thought was better other ppl dont think that? well apparently hes a shitty guy but. um. so when theres decent acting its so glaring.

although i must say even tho i dont care for 2gether anymore and would never like to be reminded about its existence (only bc i just cringe lol) i honestly....didnt think bright was a bad actor? but people keep saying he is and i am much more inclined to believe them than myself. though i am not often dickmatized that could have been it. until he opened his mouth and ruined it and then i stopped paying attn.

although honestly i’m so much more critical than i could be positive. i have ben stumped for the last day about how i wasnt mad at his acting in the show. is it me? is it him? who’s......the wrong one.....(me)

oh shit they have been denied? i haven’t been paying attn to whats been going on recently. i just got into it on MDL because of snowdrop. sometimes i literally cannot engage bc ill just be like alright well im black so this power button in my head is going off when ppl talk abt that shit. back in the day when kpop jawns were saying some real outta pocket anti black shit (now everyone is slick with it) it’d always be THEY DONT HAVE GOOGLE THEYVE NEVER SEEN A BLACK PERSON but really it’s like no...maybe they are just racist? that’s ok too.

also the past 2 weeks have been um atrocious bc how fucking easily people fell into the pit of white supremacy and started to turn their ire towards black people and making a competition between our groups just like they wanted. it’s not about the women who are dead anymore, who were sex workers, their womanhood, being asian, being poor anymore. it’s about how much black people get attention and why people only pay attn to us. i am not feeling very generous this week for ppl to excuse that hsit.

on a lighter note, ppl say that abt the whole husband and wife thing. i dont know how to explain how angry that shit makes me but maybe it’s because i do not want to think of my body in relation to a fucking penis at all hours of the day. if bls could kindly not do that it would be nice lmao

yes there are a lot of those. who are only there to gawk lmao. and just idk worship bc of the cult of personality thing bc of how weird and open they have to be as actors. some of the others are people who /think/ theyre really smart (i think im asmart but i also think i am very dumb and i have adhd to prove that MEDICALLY!!!) but are actually not? or their observations arent great? or idk if they are they arent interesting? but i think well..........we have more refined palettes :P

jk also theres just different personalities. you and i mesh more bc we have a lot of the same beliefs and are coming from the same place. that makes it easier to understand as well. i really try to remember that but some people are really weird so. again just...the perception of certain things even down to acting skills. but i also dont like.......believe this genre can really do anything at all. on one hand i want them to do it right bc it’s a piece of work so they should. be proud of it. cos most things arent advancing us bc representation and culturalism are a lie bla bla. it’s just that when the depictions are negative or not done well it adds to the problem as opposed to the things that are well done are fairly benign and can’t really pull us back (perf example is the black panther film. i woudl definitely not say it was transgressive as a literal work but visually it’s just stunning. and it’s sad that it’s stunning and surprising but still with basically an all black cast of mostly dark people abd like what it means in the zeitgeist yes. it’s also just a good movie. but it’s still imperialist prop and unfortunately and this is fucking pathetic to say it “opened eyes” in other countries where they hate black ppl and ignore their own racialized minorities HENNYWAYSSSS a better ex is moonlight except moonlight isnt mainstream and is indie tho...still thru a funnel of capital bc a24 but who cares bleed the fuckers dry is my motto. my point is moonlight is both a great work and doesnt bring any failures to the table and its existence helps in ways outside of art but they arent the defining things giving us material advancement sooooo i mean it’s complex (this is my conclusion to everything um guys it’s complex)

er i had one more point in conjunction to above. oh yea so i like dont need all these extra things to make it progressive. like people really want more women in the show and i am honestly like i really dont. i dont want them to actively do this. if they cant do it naturally then let someone else do it. i am not asking for more bc i dont want it from them. when something comes along i embrace it but i do not see why women should be represented when the genre RELIES on patriarchy. there is no complete satisfying existence for the women in these series. i dont want it. i dont ask people to show us~*~* or respect~* like fuck no the people who make it make it and hopefully more will make it in the future but i will not beg bc THEY DONT WANT TO DO IT SO WOULD FORCING IT MAKE IT BETTER? just fucking leave them out entirely. that’s the answer if theyre gonna make nasty female characters then those bitches can geaux. we have other plcaes to be. booked. and. BUSY!

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lampd-intheface · 6 years

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vampire LAMP au

okay but like imagine a vampire au with polysanders except virgil is the only human???

roman got bitten by a vampire in italy just for kicks and then he was left to his own devices. he had to suffer through the shift alone with nobody to help him

for a little while, he was ravenous and accidentally killed a lot of people. in the end, tho, he snapped out of it and taught himself how to control his hunger

roman lived through the italian renaissance and moved between italy and spain (which is why he can speak really good spanish/italian) and even settled down a little in england for some time too

when roman settled down in england, he met patton who'd been a vampire for a while now

patton became a vampire becos he was hit with the plague and his mother was desperate to find a cure. this vampire they met ended up helping and then taking patton under his wing

roman and patton eventually find themselves in america (which was still a pretty new country at the time)

logan lived during the industrial era where everyone was just inventing things left and right and it was booming in terms of science and machinery

he was turned becos a vampire thought his genius was too valuable and death shouldn't put a stop to logan who had a lot of potential

the three then settled down in america

roman made some money writing fantasy books under pseudonyms. logan made money through patents or really any kind of intellectual work he could find. patton spent his time at home, just helping out and taking care of roman and logan

they had to move often, of course, becos people would be suspicious if they just stayed in the same place for too long. they couldn't get attached to people either becos getting attached to people meant people who would keep track of them

after all of their years being alive, patton and logan and roman have amassed enough money that they're just chilling and living comfortably

now, it's the modren era and, in this au, all of them either have online classes and/or night classes

virgil takes night classes and online classes because it limits his social interaction with other people and he's much more comfortable interacting with smaller groups of classmates (night classes)/not physically interacting with classmates at all (online classes)

the others because well duh they're vampires

it's not becos they dont like sunlight (they can be exposed to a little but too much gives them rashes). it's just that it's easier to keep a low profile if they interact with less people

logan is really the only one seriously taking classes and not for any other reason than because he loves learning. patton and roman will take classes here and there but only for their hobbies

insert virgil. i haven't thought this one through but logan probably meets him first because they share a class together.

anyway, LAMP have a meet cute or whatever

maybe like virgil is in an art history class and the prof says something wrong abt a certain part of history

logan is about to correct the prof but virgil beats him to it and logan is impressed with how accurate virgil was with his facts because logan lived that era and not a lot of people are so knowledgeable about it

that aside, their friendship takes time

logan has to introduce patton and roman separately and then the three of them have to keep attempting to get closer to virgil slowly and at virgil's pace

eventually, for their own reasons, they fall in love with virgil

logan falls in love with how much he relates to virgil. virgil is so smart and the two of them can talk and have debates and virgil just understands him so well

roman falls in love with how snarky virgil is becos he'll tease virgil and he knows virgil will serve it right back to him. virgil challenges him and its exhilarating and exciting

patton falls in love with how soft virgil is and how much he wants to protect virgil from all the bad things in the world. he loves how virgil has been through so much and yet virgil is still so strong

virgil is unaware of how smitten the three of them are tho and he falls in love with them too. he kind of just... plans to be with whoever asks him out first (if any of them ask him out at all)

because virgil struggles with his anxiety a lot, he can't really work at normal places. there's too many interactions, too many people.

he had thought that he'd eventually get used to it and then he'd be able go get a job but it's taking him a lot of time to get over his anxiety

precious time he can't really afford since he's putting himself through college

which is where his vamp boyfriends friends come in because hello, if they can't pay for their cute human crush's essential college classes, then what's the point of having all that money?

in any case, they find out abt virgil's financial problems and they're like omg... we're the solutions to his problem!!!

roman: i can finally actually slay what ails virgil!!!

logan: you won't be slaying anything--

roman: LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING

before they establish that sort of relationship though, logan and roman and patton all agree that they want virgil to know the real them first so that virgil can decide whether or not he wants to be associated with them

the last thing they want to do is make virgil feel like he's obligated to stay with them even tho he fears them becos they're paying for his college and housing him and stuff

so, they plan get to know virgil more and then tell virgil they're kind of sort of creatures of the night

definitely easier said than done

when they tell virgil, he's like *phone error sound* ??? before realizing oh my God, they're serious

he then laughs about it a little and the other three are confused but he clarifies that the situation was very ironic

becos like omg, how hilarious is that??? the one goth guy who's super pale and avoids social contact and is practically the stereotypical vampire is actually the only one that's NOT a vampire??? that's irony at its finest

virgil then also assures them that the three of them being vampires doesn't bother him one bit

virgil, the epitome of tumblr humor: bold of you to assume i wouldn't f**k a supernatural being

jokes aside, he does reveal to them that he couldn't care less about what species they were, just that they loved him and he loved them

and damn did virgil love those three idiots

roman: woah there, you might pull a muscle from all the i love you's you're spouting

virgil, sweating up a storm after showing the most emotional vulnerability in his life: sh*t u rite

jokes aside, they do form a sort of weird relationship where the three of them happily provide for virgil because virgil doesnt have the means to do so

it takes virgil a while to really get used to it since he's not used to accepting things from other people without giving back

he struggles for a little while becos he keeps trying to find ways to repay them for what they do for him but there's only so much he can do

eventually they have a conversation abt it and they're like babe honey sweetie no

patton: you give us your love and that's the absolute most important and priceless thing in the world!!!

virgil, known pessimist who cringes away from romantic gestures out of habit: sounds fake but ok

but like eventually they work it out in like a slowly but surely kind of way.

virgil learns to see money the same way the other three do (replaceable and pretty much worthless to vampires who have a large abundance of it) and the other three learn to kind of tone it down on the expensive gifts

virgil: im so glad you guys dont buy me really expensive things now

roman, sweating profusely as he hides the golden apple he had commissioned to be made especially for virgil: oH YEAH OFC HAHAHA

(logan, when roman had suggested getting virgil the golden apple: first of all, no??? in what way is that even romantic--)

omg imagine if virgil does the thing where he coops himself up in his room??? and then someone tries to get him to get out by pulling the blinds open to let in light??? and virgil hisses???

patton, having just let sunlight in, looking absolutely offended: OKAY FIRST OF ALL, you're not a vampire so don't take that tone of hiss with me--

someone is like teasing or bullying virgil abt his aesthetic and virgil is obviously getting uncomfortable, esp when they call him twilight (in reference to the vampire romance novel)

so one of the boys, probably roman, steps up and he's like 'the person you should call twilight is me' and he scares the bullies by flashing his eyes red and showing them his fangs

omg!!! roman doesn't have a reflection so virgil helps him put on make up or smth!!!

maybe virgil in this au is an artist so he paints a picture of all three of them so they know what they look like becos they dont show up on pictures and reflections

patton, gazing down at the picture: this is what true love feels like

logan, also feeling the same way: really? how unpleasant

logan:

logan: give me more

omg also logan having only really kept up with the intellectual side of history so he doesn't know abt memes and like stuff like that so virgil teaches him and he has his Flashcards™

iDK MAN JUST VAMPIRE BOYS BEING SOFT FOR EACH OTHER AND FOR THIS SMALL LITTLE HUMAN THEYVE PULLED UNDER THEIR (bat) WINGS

#sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #analogical #prinxiety #moxiety #poly am sanders #polyamsanders #polyam sanders #lamp #alternate universe #lampire au #mine

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mama-mayako-moved · 4 years

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staying on anon and keeping my friends anonymous too, but i got told about how youre dating some adult and dont think anything is wrong with it 😬😬 idk man if youre atually ok with that you may want to talk to someone with you being a minor

TL;DR in bold at the end, pinning this post on my blog cause this is consistent for some reason (Edit 7/9/2020; Unpinning the post because its making Void incredibly anxious and theyve had so many panic attacks over this situation, fuck yall)

Like I said in my previous post, if I get another ask about this I’m gonna start blocking

For the past couple weeks, maybe a few months I don’t know this year is going by really fast, I’ve been getting asks saying i’m in a predatory relationship

I feel like I know why, but this is starting to come up even more often as of late. I’ve answered this with a shorter response before and just started deleting asks, but I can’t do this anymore

These questions are in reference to my partner, Void or Skylar. Me and Void met in February of 2019 when I was 15 and they were 16; my birthday is in January and their birthday is in March. We got together in August of 2019 when I was still 15 and they were now 17. As of right now in June 2020, as its been since their birthday in March 2020, I am 16, and they are 18. This is where problems are starting

People are treating a two-year age gap, technically just under two-years, as predatory and pedophiliac. It’s not like that. There is nothing legally or morally wrong with the ages of our relationship, people never mention their actual age because “this minor is dating an adult!” sounds way a lot worse than “this 16 year old is dating an 18 year old!”

And I don’t want them to start having to deal with accusations of being called a pedophile or whatever over this, cause this whole thing is fucking stupid and even got my MOM involved and she was very very close to pressing charges, thinking Void was older than they were

TL;DR - Me and Void are just under two years apart, there’s nothing wrong with our relationship, it’s not legally or morally wrong. Stop making things out to be worse than they really are

#i want to tag this but #this is very important that i need everyone to see #i want these accusations to stop

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red-dyed-sarumane · 4 years

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idk what to think of it knowing all of it now. i feel like i understand so much & also absolutely nothing at the same time. like. so that world is both falling apart and not at the same time until they're observing it, then its dying, disappearing. would it be okay if they forgot about it, stopped onserving it, left it alone? would it continue to fall to all the disasters? is it even possible to save them in the first place? although that line about the old world continuing in a "triodal direction". thats basically a donut, so its just happening all over again?? that stuff about camouflage, is any of it really happening? what parts of the bg info are from the teachers perspective and what from the scientists? surely she died but whats in what world. do they have their own people on the other world are they affecting it from there?? are they just simply viewing it?? but they have to be interacting in some way if theyre trying to save it... the giant moon they said they saw. is that before that world disappeared like a signal of the end or is that a consequence of letting it die again?

BUT ALSO i have. made a connection. the kanji that start parts in aru sekai. it starts with past, which would make sense i guess, bUt kyuuyaku starts with the same kanji & in the video this is emphasized to the point it covers the screen repeatedly for a second. so i would think. kyuuyaku is the description of this "past". which could mean, if im right, any future songs would start with, or at least have, the other kanji in the title ( 終, 凹, 封, 命, 十, 盲, 永) & would elaborate on thise parts of aru sekai. aru sekai & kyuuyaku are definitely connected & talking about the same content just different parts of it. kyuuyaku more so talking about the extent of the damage its self and the "promise" here is probably the scientists deciding to do what it takes to save it.

if i were to guess 「今刻んだ」 is probably referring to the connection with "that" world meaning its gone, theyve lost it. 「今拓いた」 would then be them working to reconnect with it, or reopening the path to "that" world. 「対自核は/繰り返した」 the first part here is supposed to be read as fractal & the nature of fractals is repeating so that makes sense but im thinking maybe its also a metaphor for "that" world, the infinite possibilities ending in essentially the same result, or no matter how they interact with "that" world the end is inevitable.

i also think in regards to kyuuyaku it's interesting that the "mata ashita" gets cut off, but its not just replacing the ta for the begining of the next word. the end kanji is different, making it incomplete, like if you were interrupted from writing it, or perhaps a computer glitch. so im thinking the first "good bye see you tomorrow" is from someone in "that" world, that it ended before they could finish. maybe theyre aware of the people on the outside trying to help i dont know. the second goodbye see you tomorrow is complete. its a full sentence and its sung as one of the longest notes. which makes me think rather than ur casual farewell its meant as "we'll do the same thing tomorrow/continue to try tomorrow". not to mention on of the first lines is about waiting for tomorrow. maybe they only get one try per day? maybe thats how long it takes to establish a connetion.

#akire being dumb #magu-san goto #i would analyse aru sekai more but it already gave me enough headaches #and if im right i should wait for the other songs to fill in things like kyuuyaku did #guys im so invested help #NO ONE EVEN CARES IM JUST HERE WRITING WHOLE ESSAYS

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quackspot · 4 years

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CHALLENGE: Assign your friends and you as the HLVRAI group!

ok *cracks knuckles* *instantly dies 10 minutes into doing this*

im going to lump characters together and make stretches and squishes and all that

benrey - me because

gordon - sauce

2 of my friends kin those characters Big Truck and brian (im sure theyre. okay with me talking about it ???? idk they never mentioned not being okay with it as far as im aware but to be safe i referred to one friend as big truck instead of their name)

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

its a lot of analysis . what if i just didn’t explain why . it’ll include various friends from various groups i don’t quite know my friends 100%

so the characters uhhhhhh

gordon benrey bubby coomer tommy darnold and forzen

i could see myself as either darnold or benrey. while i am a coward and i am not a big fan of how loud things can get i also love bullying my closest friends with dumb shit (once sauce and i argued about herobrine quite a bit it was very fun)

i can literally only see sauce as gordon .

i mean with everyone cy kins (some being evil old people) maybe bubby fits with those . i can believe cy burning things . can’t see cy being mean but that might just be rose-tinted glasses go off cy go apeshit

if u include mutuals i look at melon-official and go “what a nice person :-]” and melon is cool. dr coomer is a nice person and is cool. hmm

tommy uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk . might fuck around and kin assign my brother tommy lol. he’s a smart guy but also my brother is a himbo. brother’s kind. actually my brother talks a lot nvm. i dont know if any of my friends would be like hlvrai tommy but one of them kin him i think and? that’s so valid go off king

havent talked to my friend Big Truck much so i don’t know much about them but they seem funny and cool and nice amazing work Big Truck . could be benrey and has the power to be . they kin a tma character too so hmm *thinks real hard but realizes that a person’s kins don’t describe them completely*

i don’t like doing the thing where i look up messages theyve sent in a public server to analyze them it makes me feel weird . i started to do it but then i stopped . big truck funny n cool and great at art.

dont know anything about forzen maybe i’ll shove my brother onto him. himbo rights

g-man. hm . i dont consider any of my friends vaguely threatening and serious uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. hmmmmmmmmmmm.

oh wait leon bubby too leon bubby. chaotic aura.

giving jamie one? maybe. jamie............ Coomer. maybe. cool + fun + a lil chaotic . actually very hcaotic hse made fuckign sotry of undertrlakgtkjrshuoaji aklatall y hall .......................................

didn’t give g man or tommy one . well i mean tommy and tommy kinnie ?! hmm

(i dont like to reveal my friend’s;ss’s’s’’ kins very much but i know brian’s pretty public with them to an extent from what i’ve paid attention to in conversation)

tombee haha puns

brian is gordon but post-game gordon living in an apartment trying to make pancakes at 5 am

if you expected a straight list then you oughta see my classwork it’s just as messy as this. sometimes it’s neat but only when the teacher makes me have it that way

gee, man its hard . uhhhhhhhh. brian can be serious but i dont think he’d stutter. “did i fucking stutter” headass

the skeletons can be anyone and everyone. they just want to break out of our flesh prisons and sing and cocoon local enemies

note that i didnt re read over any of this so it’s just raw thoughts. can edit it if friends would like

#Anonymous

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serihato · 5 years

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What’re more of your S5 headcanons post world domination arc? Do they still hang out as much, in reference to the poly fic, do they miss Seri’s stubble now that he shaves, etc., lmao

OHHH HELL YES THIS IS A LOT SO UNDER THE CUT!!

post world domination arc:

in the beginning they dont live together and thus they dont hang out as much. theyre all kinda doin their own things and growing singularly

since shimazaki goes missing and everyone kinda starts doing their own thing like.. idk to me their relationship becomes much more casual than previous until it just kinda.. stops? they all stay friends though and like remain very close

and then the bottom returns... shimazaki ofc appears to minegishi first like “hey asshole did you miss me” and minegishi is like “i knew youd come out of the sewers eventually you mole” and then they like kiss and like. trust me that shit is BALLS to the wall romantic

and then both of them correlate a meetup with the others and like. god. its some of the sappiest shit.

hatori upon seeing shimazaki again: hey idiot. *SHOVES you*

shibata and serizawa both cry... shibata picks him up in a big hug

they all thought he was dead lol

uh but after that like. shimazaki kinda brings them all back together in a way

hatori and shimazaki miss seri’s stubble and hair... minegishi and shibata think its nice- a sign that hes growing into himself more

hatori becomes like a tech dude, and then starts working for a gaming company making games and shit, tho i can also see him doing like phonework if that makes sense like. him working a call-line.. or maybe working at a phone store or smth. he stays close with serizawa considering, well, gay lol

serizawa does start working at spirits and such and adopts shou and all that shit! thats canon! and he does start like getting a crush on reigen and shit but doesnt say anything for right now at least

shibata goes to a lot of interviews ofc and eventually like. nails a job at a bakery even though he says he worked for claw cus he made a BOMB kuchen and they were like damn ok! youre hired you ex-terrorist! HE ALSO BECOMES INVOLVED WITH A CERTAIN SOMEONE................ WHO COMES BY TO GET SWEETS FOR THE KIDS HE KEEPS AN EYE ON.... WHO ARE ALSO ESPERS WHO ARE TRAINING THEIR PWOERS....... its mitsuura. bazinga

minegishi’s stuff stays basically the same as canon except like. shimazaki is there adn theyre in love lol

but because shimazaki returns and theyve all like. theyre all doing shit now and doing better they start meeting up more and more and fall back into their habits of just loving and caring about each other and shit.. and its so valid

serizawa brings up his crush on reigen with hatori first because hes like most involved with him and hatori is like yeah he is pretty cute in like. a slimeball sort of way. which makes serizawa laugh and be like “no hes a good guy!” and shit and hatori gives him the push to like talk to the others about it and be like “i think i want to. try doing stuff with reigen. if hes into it.” and they all root for him like hell yes! and tbh. shimazakis kinda into reigen too lol cus idk that shit pops

serizawa tells reigen that he has like 4 fucking boyfriends and reigens like ok. cool. *dies because he loves serizawa* and then serizawas like “but i also. like you. and so does hatori. and uh. so does shimazaki i guess but like thats back burner because all he wants to do with anyone thats not minegishi is freak it. so hatori and i want to know if you wanna come over for dinner on friday.” and reigen is like “should we drop off teru and shou at the kageyamas?” and serizawa is like “yeah. probably. thatd probably be a good idea.” and so that happens lol this shit canon king!

uhhh so yeah in the end poly 5 still fucks but now serizawa and hatori also love reigen and shimazaki also freaks it with reigen and shibata gets married to mitsuura and its very sappy and uhhhh yeah the end!

ALSO LIKE BECAUSE OF ALL THIS POLY SHIT LIKE. OFC REIGEN ADOPTS TERU AND THE SUPER 5 ALL KINDA ADOPT SHOU SO LIKE WHAT IM SAYING IS SHIMAZAKI IS LIKE TERUS DAD AND TRIES TO GROUND HIM ALL THE TIME AND ITS KINDA FUNNY LOL

they all eventually get a big ol house together... and like idk that shit slaps

#mp100 #super 5 #idk wht to tag the other ships as lol #but yeah!#thank u anon i love u!#.anon #.ask

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geraltcirilla · 5 years

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hey - i dont wanna start anything, i just wanted to ask sth to someone that seems rather fair (from what u post): i havent seen the ep (im not putting myself thru that bullshit) but i saw a parallel circulating, between dannyxjon and cerseixeuron; the dudes kneeling, ladies touching their face. it was so exactly the same, i am seriously wondering wtf is up??? are we supposed to make some kind of connection here?

i wouldn’t think anything of it but it was such a copy paste parallel, uknow. and theyve been telling us for like, a season and a half that danny and jon genuinely care about each other. am i supposed to start doubting that now? anyway i just wanted to ask SOMEONE (i dont know anyone on the fandom so youre king of my designated vent-bloger, apologies for that) have a good week, friend.

I actually haven’t scene that parallel so IDK how to respond to this??

Edit: Actually I think I know what specific scenes you are referring to so I think I can still comment. It’s not the same because when Cersei is touching Euron’s face she is manipulating him but when Dany is touching Jon’s face she is pleading to him, begging him, for her life and her throne. There is nothing manipulative about how she’s breaking it down to him, she’s being the most raw and honest self she has ever been to him.

As for like, the “they genuinely care about one another” thing, I think they do. I believe they do. But it’s more complicated than that.

Ok so I don’t really like talking about Jon and his relationships because I’m really only here for Gendrya. That’s all I care about. And there’s so much controversy and strong opinions about Jon’s love life and as someone who has little to no stake in it I don’t wanna get swept up in the chaos. But you know what? Whatever.

I’m putting this under a read-more though ‘cause I’m a coward lol.

In my opinion, Jon/erys never would have worked by the very nature of the fact they are aunt/nephew. Incest in this show has NEVER had a happy ending. It’s not meant to. Villains are the ones committing incest and even their relationships end in devastation. Look at how incest absolutely destroyed Jaime Lannister, a man who had the potential and capability of great good. A man who cared when a queen was being raped by her husband when no one else did, who cared when his father ordered the deaths of Princess Elia and her babies, who protected Brienne from being raped and values and admires honor. It made him the lowest form of scum on the Earth. It really just destroyed everything good he was and left nothing but revulsion and repulsion. And look at how incest absolutely decimated the Targaryens? Their line is basically gone. They’re over. And their incest is to blame for their downfall. (Their insanity is what turned the people against them and their insanity was a genetic result of the inbreeding.)

We knew before Jon and Dany ever met they were related, so we were warned long before their first kiss this was a mistake. And then during their first and only love-making scene we have Bran talking over it about how Jon’s name is Aegon Targaryen and he’s the heir to the Iron Throne. That was a huge, blinking neon sign that they were fucked. The whole love making scene was incredibly foreboding.

There was no universe in my mind where this worked out. I would not compare it to Euron/Cersei, because that’s entirely different. That’s just some gross ship we’re all a victim to being forced to witness.

Jon/erys is more of a continuing statement that the writers are trying to make, that they’ve been making this whole time: incest ruins lives. It ruins anyone and everyone it touches. It ruined the Targaryens. It ruined the Lannisters. It’s ruined Jon and Dany.

#ask #anon #got meta #got lb #liveblog #mytext #mine #ihaveastorminme

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3inghao · 7 years

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crush anon here and AHHHHH I DONT KNOW WHATS GOING ON bc i feel like out of all of us we have the weirdest (?) relationship bc we dont even have each other on social media or each others numbers and like again im still not in their group chat?? only me and my other suitemate (the other asian girl) arent in the group chat??? which is like,, really weird bc they mention it a lot but theyve never made any moves to add (1/15)

us to the group chat and like thats not really something you can just like,, ask to join,,, and so they all hang out and grab meals together or whatever and idk i guess its just bc they dont have as much schoolwork i guess?? and my roommate and him are both film majors so they have similar classes and i guess i just havent had that many opportunities to hang out otherwise?? but like ive only seen him once since drunk (2/15)

night and it was yesterday and it was because he was downstairs in the dance room of our hall taking pictures of three of the girls from our friend group for his hw and after theywere done they just came up toour room and hung out and like ,, i wanted to talk to him more but then my friend started swiping through her tinder and so he started to swipe through his and then my roommate and her started doing the matches (3/15)

on tinder for him and it was like,, they were judging the girls as they went by like ‘oh shes cute’ or ‘oh my god shes so weird’ and it was mostly them but i felt really uncomfortable bc they were all like attractive girls and i was like ahh,,, i guess theres me the potato ,, and like i dont want my friends to know i like him either bc 1. theyd all think its like the worst idea in the world bc everyone knows how much of a player he is (4/15)

2. i still dont know if my roommates into him and 3. i still dont really know him super well and it would just be so weird for the friend group?? dating within the friend group would be a terrrrrrible idea too,,, and like im so confused about what to do but one thing i do know is that i will never tell the friend group at least until i get closer to them and him.. and even so i dont think he likes me,, although i do think hes intrigued by me,, (5/15)

if that makes any kind of sense at all… i know hes actively trying to hook up/date other girls bc of the whole tinder incident and also the other guy friend in our friend group (went to hs with x) told us that he was trying to get with this british girl he met in an elevator bc she was super pretty (and again when i say super pretty i mean it bc the girls they were swiping left on tinder were all so pretty too ????) but yeah i just felt my (6/15)

stomach drop when i heard that bc i knew what kind of guy he was even before i had a crush on him but i cant help but feel so terrible whenever stuff like that happens.. and yet at the same time i feel like our dynamic is different anyways?? like idk if this makes sense but you know when you can just feel like theres something more to your relationship with a person?? like idk this might just be me projecting my delusional (7/15)

hopes and desires onto this interpretation but i can sense like we are both trying to feel each other out, and that we dont really know how to act around each other, and i feel like im so crazy and i must be imagining it but every time we make eye contact it always feels just a tiny bit longer than normal or with other people??? you know????? im honestly going insane thinking about this,, and every time we were together (8/15)

before drunk night i would shut myself down around him like i tried to avoid eye contact or engaging in conversation bc i was so scared of letting myself fall for him but it happened anyways and now im still scared but im trying to put myself out there and engage with him but then things happen like the tinder thing and i just shut right back down yesterday and pretended like i was really focused on my schoolwork or my (9/15)

readings and ahhh i really dont know whats going on anymore i still have so much hw to do on top of that and i dont see him often bc he doesnt live in the same hall as me, im not in the group chat, and im not the same major as him so essentially we only hang out on the weekends or occasionally on the weekdays if he comes over to our dorms bc my suitemates invite him or whatever ahhhhhh i cant stop thinking about it (10/15)

and i just keep oscillating back and forth from thinking that somethings finally gonna happen and that theres a crazy spark there to thinking that theres absolutely zero interest from his end and that he would never like me and that i would never want to be with a guy like that anyways and ahhhhh i know i just have to wait it out and continue to work on it (at least being his friend) but at the same time i feel like i should just drop the (11/15)

whole thing and pretend like that drunk night never happened and just treat him with polite distance and act like my opinion of him is 100% just neutral guy that im kinda friends with and has had some good times with but i also know nothing will ever happen unless im trying from my end and actively showing interest in him but again it would be so weird bc i cant flirt with him bc my friends would 1000000% be able to tell and i (12/15)

know its still too early ahhhh my head is spinning im literally going insane AHHHHHHHHHHH sorry and literally just as im writing this my roommate is facetiming her friend and was telling her a story and she referred to our group as ‘our friend group and also two other people who live with us’ MEANING she doesnt consider me and the other girl to be part of the friend group and i knew that deep down i really wasnt but i (13/15)

hang out with these guys a lot and i try my best to be supportive but not too clingy and idk what im doing wrong??? why do people not want to be my friend??? i?????????? im sorry for being so depressing but this is legit what i feel !!! and ahh i just kinda want to distance myself away from these people and get my own friend group but at the same time i dont bc i love these people but the thing is i dont know/i dont think (14/15)

they love me !!!!! wowie wow wow anyways that was my entire fucking rant about life in general and im sorry if im burdening you but i hope this message finds you well

AHHHHHHH CRUSH ANON IM SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS I’m starting to feel better now I was at a real low place the past two weeks and just feeling bleh but i’m getting some help and i’ll be fine :))) but since it’s been so long WHAT ELSE HAS HAPPENED i don’t think you need to give up on your feelings for him and i don’t think you need to give up on the friend group, they’ve probs just been more tight-knit for longer so it’ll just take time before you’re fully part of the group, if that’s what u want. Don’t stress about the boy tho!!!! if it’s meant to happen it will ya know, you can’t force something. Maybe try just being friends with him first and maybe go from there?? ahhh i feel so bad at giving advice lolollll i hope i’m helpful or can just be some that can lend an ear to you to rant

#💫

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iwantsurrealism · 6 years

Text

this hurts to write

ive lost my poetry/diary book so here i go cutting a wound open on the internet

THEM refers to people (i think you can imagine who) it hurts to write who they are as i dig into an emotional pit.

living with THEM for 2 months has been not the greatest, not the worst. as a child, i felt misunderstood by them, i felt like i was a toy with no emotions there to bring them joy, entertain them and whenever i lashed back i learned they took it very personally. i spent much of it holding back, working through emotions in my own head, learning to never respond when mistreated. one of them yelled at me over simple things, in her fustration that i wasnt the a grade child and destined not yo be, her face to ghe world was one of perfection and slight embarrassment/distance from me, hugs were never, i found joy in massaging her being an affectionate child. the one one was super affectionate, almost i could say, over the top, it never manifested into getting to know me as he always made assumptions about who i was, declared me as this this and this to others - which i saw as maybe the bare skeleton of my being, i often asked not to be doted on so heavily or talked about so pridefully, he never talked about HER that way or gave her that affection, i was always hurt that he would show such affection when he didnt understand me or make an effort to listen to me - would change topic or not listen whenever i tried to open up. i know he probably hated not being able to understand me but i feel like kids "see" me more that he does. idk, then again i feel like he's oblivious to me being more than just his kin. i remember feeling like an adult myself as i could feel and see unresolved pain in both of THEM and could understand why they were the way they were. or atleast give excuses. i feel like this is why im so open to anyone, from any walk of life. i find it the hardest to love people who are super affectionate towards the idea of me and people who are super distant, too cool for me and love to fake laugh. both i find inauthentic.

a similar but even more COMPLICATED relationship exists with them to this day. he will ring me up whenever they are alone together, she flip flops between blurting out heaps of victimized emotion, trying to scare me into religion, trying to find out every detail about my life then changing the topic as soon as she has to respond and gossiping about family or people i have no idea who they are, he treats me no differently to when i was 10 and is always concerned im going to forget to feed myself or lock the door and is still overly affectionate and wants to talk about the weather and shut down any logical ideas or thoughts i have with some stoic retoric he has made up. it's intense, i havent lived with them for 3 years and they both take me for granted and see me as a child.

theres very little respect for the way i like to converse (ideas, positivity, imagining the future, empathy for each other) and they talk over me or generally dont listen or answer questions honestly. its painful. as i write this i imagine others having it worse. ofcourse.

however i feel a lot of indepth insecurities has come from the way theyve treated me, talked about me, been embarrassed of me. i know they appear super "normal" and i dont bc of the childhood they gave me (these things plus many many other abnormalities). i feel for them as well its hard not to. their relationship is hard for me to comprehend.

after he called me on their dinner outing i thought and said to my sister. i feel so used. as escape. without them even realizing i break the ice between them. he calls me when he needs a break. we talk about nothing. literaaally. i am just a bouncing board.

for her, she gets put on the phone and i dont think she cares that much to talk with me unless its about idealizing a future more religious me that she can talk about to her friends. theres nothing connected to the now me in her train of thought - except wanting to know any gossip from my life, trying to manipulate me into telling her.

so ive decided, even though it SEEMS against my character and SEEMS horrible unless youre me or in my close circle, to distance myself from them. completely. no answering calls, no fb mesage responding. the only thing will be the odd interaction when ive left their house. its unhealthy for him to call me all the time for no reason, he never even asks how i am, its unhealthy for me to feel her energy. i would never be friends with them. they suck the life force out of me and i give sooooo much empathy to them that they both use it to use me as a bouncing board and take me for granted. its been so hard to come face to face with it,

i see family as family and id do anything for them but i actually have to look after myself. i never wanted to do this and tried to fix and heal things but i cant and i feel like stupid for not winning, not being able to make it work.

i stood up for myself to them, i have tried explaining to them how to treat me, what hurts me and from him i got laughter and from her i got anger.

so that's that. im bloody hoping i dont cave. or any of that weak stuff. my empathy for myself has to win this time

#thoughts #diary #writing #parent #parenting #parents #pain #childhood

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