#so instead of acting like the adult I nearly am and like. leaving it to sit for a while as I gathered my thoughts

[myname-isnia]

Suddenly got this really weird off-putting feeling in my chest that I usually get when I’m about to cry over something, but also with some general iffyness thrown into the mix, and for once instead of immediately giving in to it or getting pissed at my mind I tried to figure out where it came from

Turns out I would have been completely justified in getting pissed at my mind because turns out, the cause is that I thought about a fic concept I was really excited about a few months ago that I never ended up writing because I couldn’t get into the flow from the very first sentence. I thought about it for a whole five seconds and now we’re here. Fucking great

[itsascreambaby96]

Stu Macher smut where readers a little bit sassy yk? And Stu gets a little upsetty which leads to smut (Sorry I suck at this idk I’m nervous)

Aww sweet anon don't be nervous! I like the idea! I hope you like what I did with this!

Warnings: Smut! 18+ MDNI! oral (male receiving), p in v sex, facial, name calling, swearing, tiny bit of angst(reader is overthinking), stu calls reader sweetheart. And good girl but only twice. Thigh riding. I think that's it.

Pairing: Stu Macher x fem!reader

Accept my apology?

It was exam season at university. So of course you were busy studying as well. Most people understood when you blew them off because you wanted to pass. The only person who didn't seem understand was your boyfriend Stu. He was done with his exams already. Now he was bored and you were not nearly paying enough attention to him. In his opinion of course. You've already spend the whole last day with him, giving him all your attention.

He has been annoying you for a couple hours now and your patience has been running thin.

"Come on Babe I'm bored as hell. Why can't you put your stupid notes away for a while and we can do something fun." As he said this he wiggled his eyebrows.

You were so done with his bullshit but still you continued. That was until Stu had enough and grabbed your flashcards.

"HEY!" You were not amused at all, other than Stu, who was grinning ear to ear.

"Give them back Stu!" You were tired and stressed.

"Mh what do I get if I give them back?" His pointerfinger was at his chin pretending to think.

"My gosh Stu can you for once act like an adult? This exam is importsnt for me and you are ruining everything because what? You are bored? Newsflash! You are not five years old! There are plenty of other things that you could be doing right now instead of keeping me from studying!" After your little rant Stu's eyes hardened, so you won't see the hurt in them. He threw your cards on the ground and left your dorm without another word.

With a sigh you knelt down to collect your cards. Were you too harsh? But he never respected your boundaries. And this exam was important.

Later that night after you were finished with studying and after taking a nice relaxing shower, you tried calling Stu. But he never picked up. After the third time you grew a little worried. Have you hurt his feelings? After trying for the fifth time you gave up and went to bed. You had to apologise tomorrow somehow.

That is why you ended up in front of Stu's door. A Pizza in hand as a form of apology. Your exam went well, you realised afterwards now how rude and mean you were to Stu. He didn't deserve that.

You kept knocking at his door without an answer. With a sigh you sat down next to his door. If he was there he had to come out at one point right? And if he wasn't, well at least he would see you when he decided to come home. You looked at your clock. It was 14:30. Another sigh left your lips. The guilt for treating him the way you did, eating away at you. Your mind going to all different kind of places. Thinking that he will be grumpy for a few more days, to even worse scenarios, like what if he wants to break up with you now? You don't know how you would handle that. He is the love of your life, and you thought for him it was the same with you. What if you were wrong? What if he was with another girl right this moment because for him this relationship was already over?

Your mind kept spiraling. An hour after you showed up here you almost gave up hope. Standing up and taking the now cold pizza you turned to leave. Stu came around the corner right this moment. He was a little startled to see you here.

Without thinking much, you threw yourself at him, pizza box almost smacking Stu in the face.

"Whoa there sweetheart, I am happy to see you too." Stu chuckled a little, but he was confused.

"You didn't pick up your phone, so I thought you were still mad at me for yesterday...And then my mind kept thinking of how this might be the reason you are breaking up with me..." You mumbled into his neck, standing on your tiptoes because he was unbelievably tall.

"Why the hell would I break up with you over something silly liken that? Sure I was upset, because you can be really mean you know that? I am a sensitive guy after all." That made you giggle a little. He might say this as a joke but deep down he could be sensitive even if you were the only person seeing that side of him. Made it all the more special.

"Don't know, you know how my mind can get."

"Fuck yeah I do. You are way too far in your own head sometimes, sweetheart." He tapped his pointer finger against your head for emphasis.

"I was actually hoping to make it up to you." Your breath was tickling the skin of his neck and you could feel goosebumps raising on his soft skin.

"Oh yeah how were you planning on doing that?" His voice took on a different tone, deeper, raunchier. And not more than a whisper, making excitement bubble up inside of you.

"I am taking you like my ways of apologising?" Looking at him still grinning.

He closed the door behind him caging you against it. "Fuck yes I do. Especially the part about the Pizza." He gave you a cheeky grin.

You playfully rolled your eyes at him. But before you could say anything he leaned down and kissed you passionarely. Letting out a satisfied hum against his lips you pulled him closer. Your lips melted together in perfect sync. He tasted faintly of sweets, chocolate. You couldn't have him close enough to you. Not even a sheet of paper would fit between the two of you right now.

Stu bit and nipped at your bottom lip, it was almost painful, but you knew that he liked drawing blood from time to time. Heck he always eats you out when you're on your period too. It helps with the pain.

Parting your lips you let his tongue into your mouth. Your tongues dancing together, a bit of spit drooling out. Again Stu likes it messy.

He began rutting into you as the kiss progressed. Panting against each others lips.

You could feel him hardening against you, and with a little more effort you pushed him away a little bit.

His eyes were hooded over with lust, pupils blown wide. His cheeks had a nice rosy colour and his lips were swollen from the kiss. You were certain you didn't look much different.

Moving him around so he was pushed against the door now you dropped to your knees, before he could pull you in for another kiss. You opened his pants and pulled them down to his ankles. You could see the outline of his cock in his briefs. Yourn mouth began to water and you gave the tip a kiss through his boxer briefs. Stu let out a shaky breath above you. Smiling to yourself you began to mouth at his cock through his boxers. You were fairly enjoying yourself. The anticipation of having the real thing in your mouth soon, making wetness pool between your legs.

It wasn't often that you could tease Stu like this, so you were thrilled he let you go on this long. His whole boxer was wet now where his cock was. Deciding that you did a good enough job in riling him up now, you pulled his boxers down, his cock springing free. Stu hissed a little as the cold air if the room hit his heated up dick. But he didn't have to complain, because your mouth was wrapped around him in seconds. Normally you'd love to admire his pretty cock. How it is shaped slightly upwards, how deep pink his tip got and the precum leaking out of it, the vein that was running along his whole shaft. Truly you loved whorshipping his cock.

You knew Stu says the same thing about your pussy. 69 a favourite position of yours. But right now you could do as you pleased with him. And you were just as eager to get him inside of your mouth as he was being inside of it.

Everything about him was big, so his dick wasn't the exception. You always needed your time to take him into your mouth, but you were so eager that you almost didn't care, pushing your limits a little. He still wasn't completely in. That would be sheer impossible, but with the speed you took him in right now, it leaves Stu breathless. His head dropping against the door as he let out a string of courses. His fingers weaved into your hair. Letting out a satisfied hum at the salty taste on your tongue you began to work your magic. Bobbing your had up and down, jerking him off with your hands on the part that you couldn't fit into your mouth.

Stu was not disappointed. You were really making this messy. He could already see drool running out of your mouth, the sounds you were making only added to his aroused state. Gargling and gagging when you went a little too far. But again you were eager.

Sucking at the sensitive tip from time to time too, which you knew always drove him wild.

"Fuck aren't you the best girlfriend ever? Look at you? So eager to suck my cock. Fuck you look so good. You always do. But right now? There isn't a better place for you."

You keened at his praise. Another thing about Stu? He could never shut up. Not even during sex. One time he really tried to have a whole conversation with you, while he was railing you over the couch.

You kept moving your head, relaxing your throat to take more and more of him. Tears were running down cheeks, mixed with make up. You had him almost down completely but you knew you were at your limit. More spit kept drooling out of your mouth as you kept going. Stu's grip on your hair turned harder and with a push forward you had his entire length inside of your mouth. Your eyes widen and you looked up at him. More tears streamed down your face.

"Fuck yes. Look at you. Looking like my personal whore. Fuck college, you should do this professional just for me." Your cheeks warmed at that. "And then you wouldn't have to snap at me that I am behaving like a child. Humiliated by my own girlfriend. You know that is unacceptable."

With that he kept thrusting his entire length inside of you. You were gagging and crying but honestly? Your panties were drenched by the way he was talking to you and treating you. Holding onto his thighs for dear life. He was really enjoying yourself.

"What would your professors think if they saw their good little student like this? I know you are best in your classes. Surely they would expect you to be such a whore for your boyfriend." His voice was so deep and sounding strained, turning you on moreHe was reaching so deep, you were sure your throat would be sore for a few days, but it was so worth it. Your cheeks burned in shame. But it came from a place of arousal.

You knew he was getting close, you could feel him pulsing. Looking up at him he quickly pulled out of you. Your mouth opened on instinct and you helped him jerk himself to finish over you. The first spurts of his cum hit your face and you closed your eyes. Deep groans came from Stu as he gave you every last drop.

Once he was finished he kept looking at you. The thing why he loves cumming on your face is because it makes you look like his. Sure he knows you are his, but there is a primal part in his brain that wants to claim you like this. Mark you as his, so that any other male or female knows you belong to him.

Opening your eyes carefully you looked up at him with big eyes. Stu's eyes haven't lost their hunger. Quite the contray, they looked even more intense now.

Not breaking eye contact, you lifted your hand to scoop some of his cum from your face and put it in your mouth to suck it off. Another deep groan escaped Stu as he saw you doing this and fully enjoying yourself. Again another primal part of his brain getting pleased. He kicked his pants and boxers off and took of his shirt.

He gripped your arms after you sucked the third scoop off of your finger, lifting you to your feet. You were a little wobbly, your knees hurting from the hard wooden floor.

"Not even the Mona Lisa looks as pretty as you now." Stu rasped, making you blush even more. He dragged you over to the couch and sat down on it.

"Bring me something to drink, would ya?"His legs spread wide you got a little distracted by him.

"Sweetheart you know I don't like asking twice." With big eyes you scambled to the kitchen, knees still weak. You returned with a glass of water and a beer, as you didn't know what exactly he wanted. Returning, you saw he got really comfortable on the sofa. Upon seeing the two drinks in your hands, and the fact that you haven't cleaned yourself off he gave you a genuine smile.

"Aren't you a good fucking girl?" He took the water and chucked it down, opening the beer afterwards. "Here is how it's going to go sweetheart. You are going to ride my thigh until you cum, then I am gonna fuck that disrespectful attitude right outta ya. Understood?" You nodded quickly.

"Good. Now undress for me. Slowly. I wanna enjoy myself."

Who were you to decline him. Removing your shoes and socks first to have them out of the way. You lifted your shirt, slowly of couse, revealing more and more skin to Stu, who was watching you like a hawk. He let out a groan as he saw you were wearing his favourite bra of yours. You gave him a happy smile, glad that he appreciates it. Then you turned around, shimmying out of your pants, bending down, giving Stu a nice view of your ass. You heard a breathy "fuck" as he noticed you were wearing the matching pair of panties to your bra.

Slowly, with your back still facing him you unclipped your bra and took it off. Cupping your boobs with your hands you slowly turned around.

"Come on show them to me." His voice was demanding and he took a swig of his beer. Slowly you peeled your hands off of them. Stu's eyes immediately dropping to them. Your nipples standing proud and internally he was dying to wrap his lips around them. But that would have to wait. You still had to remove one item.

As you took of your panties, Stu could see a string of your arousal connected to them. There was actually a big patch visible on them that Stu hasn't noticed, because he was distracted by your tits.

Still feeling confident, you threw your pantis at him. Stu took them. Then he did something you wasn't expecting. He actually sniffed them. Biting your lip, you could feel your pussy clench. Your eyes widen as you saw him licking the wet patch of your panties. His eyes closing and him groaning, like he just tasted the best thing in the whole world, which to him was the case. He kept doing this a few times and you were growing wetter by the second.

Stu threw your panties to the side and patted his thigh, signaling for you to come over and start.

You scrambled over to him and took your seat on his thigh. You could feel the muscles underneath it.

"Don't be shy. Start. Show me how desperate you are to cum for me."

Slowly you started to moved your hips against his thigh. It took you a little to find a good angle that was catching your clit, giving you some much needed friction. You let out breathy moans, closing your eyes and getting lost in the feeling. Stu gave your thighs a soft slap. "Keep your eyes open. I want to see the desperation grow in them." Nodding you complied even if it was hard.

You started to grind harder on him, quickening your pace. Sucking Stu off has already riled you up so much, you just wanted to cum at this point.

"You really are a whore huh? Making a mess on my thigh. Look at you. So needy." Stu flexed his thigh and it catched your clit in a way that made you dizzy. Your pace became erratic, your legs were burning at this point. You needed to cum so bad, you wanted to gush all over his thigh. Stu took another swig of his beer, watching how your eyebrows creased together. He knew you were close. Another swig and he put the beer away, gripping your hips to make you halt.

You looked at him confused and flushed.

"Change of plans sweetheart. The only way you deserve to cum and make it up to me is on my cock." You nodded dumbly, your mind already fuzzy from how close you were. Standing up again you almost drop to the floor, but Stu held you firmly, helping you take your seat in his lap. You could feel his hard cock pressing against you. With as much strength as you could muster you lifted yourself up a little, gripped Stu's length and sank down on him.

Your mind was reeling at finally being full of him. It was quite the stretch, but you were so wet he easily slipped in. Stu let out a dark moan. Your warmth enveloping him completely.

"You take me so well all the time sweetheart! Fuck. Swear this pussy was made for me." You only mustered a nod, already fucked out. Stu began to thrust up into you, making you fall forward onto his chest. Whimpering as he drilled into your pussy. He was determined to fuck the attitude out of you just like he promised.

You were holding on for dear life as he didn't let up. Your pussy juice coating the both of you. Stu pulled your face up to give you a heated kiss, that you couldn't hold for long as you desperately needed the oxygen. Stu grinned at that. Your face was still covered in his cum.

"God I should take a picture of you like this. So I always know what a good little whore you are for me when you piss me off." You could only moan in response.

"Need a whole stack of them, cause I sure as hell would ruin them just like I am ruining you right now huh?" Gosh he really wasn't shutting up ever. But you couldn't really focus on anything he was saying. The only thing you could concentrate on was how he was stretching you out, his tip hitting your Gspot every single thrust. You were seeing stars at this point.

Your release came without much of a warning. It came crushing through you and you were a moaning babbling mess, feeling yourself clench around Stu hard.

"Fuck that's it sweetheart look at you. What a sight!" Your ears were ringing and Stu still kept thrusting into you.

Lucky for you and your poor abused pussy, Stu didn't take that much longer before he came inside of you with a deep thrust. He kept grunting for you to "take everything I give you." And you didn't have much of a choice than to oblige. Not that you wanted to.

The both of you were sweaty and Stu moved you both so that you were lying on top of him on the couch fully now. Panting, you could listen to his heartbeat which helped you calm down slowly.

"You're amazing. You know that?" Stu's voice was rapsy. You lifted your head to look at him, giving him a soft grin. "Oh I know." He chuckled and gave you a big kiss. You hummed. Enjoying the post orgasmic bliss and cuddling for a while was one of your favourite parts. Stu drew patterns on your skin.

Then after a while, it was getting cold by now, he slipped out of you, making you whine. He sat you onto the couch, drapping the blanket he had here, thanks to you, over you so you could cover yourself up. He went to the bathroom and emerged, with new boxers on and a wash cloth. Sitting down next to you he started to clean off your face.

"Almost a shame cleaning it up..." He mumbled and you softly pushed against his shoulder, making him let out a soft laugh.

After he was done you stood up and waddled to the bathroom yourself. When you came back to him you put the blanket down, as you now wore one of Stu's favourite shirts. And it was only his favourite because you looked so good wearing it all the time.

Stu patted next to him and you plopped down. He gave you a glas of water which you eagerly took and drank. You really needed it. He turned on the TV and pulled the pizza onto his lap. Opening the box, the pizza inside gone cold a long time ago. But neither of you cared as you ate and enjoyed whatever it was that was on TV. Neither of you keeping attention to it really as you kept talking about your days. Stu asked you how your exam went. Everything was forgiven by now. And if this was the outcome? Maybe you should piss him of more times now.

[matcha-dango]

Return of the Spring

Yan!Itto x F!Reader [NSFW]

CW : yandere themes / smut / noncon / porn with plot / breeding kink / size kink / childhood friends to lovers / dom character x sub reader

Word Count : 5513

For thousands of years, humans warned their children about Onis and how dangerous they were. As soon as they could walk, their parents taught them not to leave the village alone, not to go into the nearby forest without an armed adult and most importantly, to never talk to one if they ever saw an Oni in the distance. Unfortunately, with the passage of time, people forgot what Onis looked like and each generation changed a detail here and there. 

Ironically enough, this was how you befriended a young and energetic Oni, who madly fell in love with you at first glance. 

From time to time, you remember fondly how you two met, when you were kids and kept hanging out in secret. You always wondered if things would have been different, if you knew from the start that Itto was the “dangerous predator” everyone warned you about. It was only when you noticed his little red horn that you understood who you were being so close to and panic filled your chest, but you grew quite confused when Itto apologised for being, himself ? If he was so bad, why did he do that ? You figured out that maybe Onis weren’t that bad and that they could be friends with humans, just like the two of you. 

Nearly a decade passed ever since and you remained good friends, in secret of course. You became the grown up who was responsible for groups of kids when going a bit further past the village, to gather herbs, berries and such. One day, as you went out together, you noticed bits of Sakura Bloom gathered in the air, a magical view letting you know spring was back once more. But also a reminder that you had to herd the group back home earlier than usual. 

Back within sight of the village, you noticed some villagers putting up stronger barricades, a more depressing spring view. You knew of stories of your ancestors’ piers abducted by Onis, you wouldn’t doubt the elders. But was it all that necessary ? Couldn’t peace be finally made ? You decided to talk to the village chief as soon as you delivered your basket. 

“Good afternoon mam. I hope you have been well.”

“I have indeed, thank you for asking, my child. But I feel that you have a reason for your visit though, other than small chit chat.”

“Pardon me for my ignorance, but I have something very important to discuss.”

“What could possibly be so important, that you would come here directly, instead of preparing your house for the night ?”

“Well, I was wondering if there was any reason why we had to do all of this and-”

“And make peace with the demons ? My child, you do not understand.You must be out of your mind, go rest.”

“No, I am serious. I am sure that we can coexist and even live together. It is not impossible and there must be valuable benefits for both sides if we all cooperated. We don’t have to do this every year instead of enjoying the seasonal changes.”

“It seems that your parents failed to educate you my child, I will not blame you for your unconscious behaviour. For others, spring is a beautiful thing that brings life and joy to those stopping for an instant to admire the sky and trees. But not for us. As soon as snow starts melting and shows the green grass underneath it, as soon as flowers start to bloom, we need to set up spikes and barricades, we need to arm our men. I can see doubt and incomprehension in your eyes, you think we act like war happens every spring. But it does, my child.”

You didn’t want to lie to the village chief, but you didn’t want to be rude either. You believed your parents raised you well, you’ve only been told off several times during childhood for running around or other childlike harmless acts. Why would she accuse your family of such irresponsibility ? 

“You see, our village has been lucky these past decades. We didn’t lose anyone in those years and it has been only thanks to all of our security measures. The same cannot be said about the other villages, you were there last year, when I announced the loss of three young women who were your age. They left their village to gather Sakura Blooms to make Sakura Mochi but they never came back. We do not live in the city, where we can eat anything at any time. This is the only way.”

“I understand. Thank you for your time and wise words. Please allow me to take my leave.”

“You go, my child. Never forget that we are not meant to be together, ever.”

Leaving with a heavy heart, you couldn’t help but feel guilty towards the three girls, who you actually met last year for the local summer festival. You always told yourself that if Onis were truly the ones to take them, those three weren’t eaten or killed. Though you didn’t really want to know what else could happen to them if it’s not those two possibilities. Chances are, it wasn’t even Onis but ill-willed humans. 

It was getting dark already, you had to quickly get back home before you would get scolded for lateness. The village looked grim, even under the beautiful red and orange sky. Tints of a familiar red, reminding you of your friend. At that point, there was no way you could reveal your friendship to anyone ever. Was it also the case for him ? Maybe Onis too had been warning their kind to never approach human dwellings during this season ? You should ask him that next time. 

Thankfully, spring wasn’t all depression and desolation. You loved seasonal changes for the delicious new meals that you could eat only then and there. Usually, Unagi Chazuke would be eaten just the way it was, but plums being now ripe, you always added pickled plum to the dish. This year also, your parents told you they ordered a small bag of Sakura Blooms, so you could make sweets and snacks just like in the city. You simply couldn’t wait for the package to be delivered. Hopefully tomorrow ! 

After eating dinner, you washed yourself and decided to read a recipe book, in case you were missing needed ingredients. It would be such a bummer if you got everything ready but one crucial detail. Maybe you could make Sakura Taiyaki and share them with your friends and family, and Itto… Right as you were about to start missing him, you heard the sound of small rocks hitting your window. Two exactly, which was the code you and Itto had, when he wanted you to know he left you a message close to your house. 

Excitedly, you responded to his signal by shutting the lights of your room twice and pretended to go to sleep. You had to wait until your family was asleep before you could sneak out and retrieve whatever Itto left for you. You didn’t think you could chat with him this time though, no way you could leave the village with all the protection they set up for the night. 

Soon enough, silence filled the house, making your heart beat louder and louder with each second passing. Once you felt you had the right timing, you quietly got up and went out of your room to reach the door. You should have thought about that one, it was locked and barricaded, just like all windows of the ground floor. Your only option was to leave through your window. 

You climbed the stairs back up, as discreetly as you could manage. Back to step one, you had to think of a way to flee without breaking your bones. After mentally debating for minutes, you decided to jump out to catch the sturdy branches of the tree in front of your window and then climb down to safety. You kind of had no choice, if you didn’t want to risk someone else finding Itto’s message. 

Under your window, you placed several pillows, covers and your bed so that you wouldn’t hit the ground when you would leap back inside. You were agile enough to make it, if not… You would need to think of your best excuse for being outside at this hour. Anything was good, as long as no one knew about Itto. 

You prepared yourself to jump, one swing back and forth and you did it. Everything went well and your feet touched the ground. This tree was such a life saver, literally. You quickly ran towards the usual spot behind your house and found a folded piece of paper. You opened it and read its words. 

‘hope you been doing good !! its been a while since we last hang out, wanna come out tomorrow ? promise ill be careful ! ill wait for you at the usual super duper secret spot, at our usual super duper secret time !!!!’

You couldn't help but giggle at his message, it was very cute and very much Itto-like. Of course, you knew and remembered everything. You actually had various secret meeting places : secret, super secret and super duper secret were all different ! Same went for time, you two discussed them and decided on a few in accordance with the village activities schedule, so no one would be suspicious of you wanting to suddenly leave. 

You hurriedly went back to the tree and safely jumped on your mattress. The adrenaline in your veins did a really good job. You were so excited for tomorrow, you prayed for the Sakura Blooms to arrive before you had to leave the village. 

Morning birds woke you up with their beautiful melodies. You sluggishly sat up, before remembering your plans for today. Getting an immediate boost of energy, you got downstairs to check for any package and there it was, on the table. You eagerly opened it and it was indeed a bag full of freshly gathered Sakura Blooms. You took out the piece of paper with ingredients needed for a semi-dozen of Sakura Taiyaki and started baking the delicious snack. 

As planned, you volunteered to go venture into the forest with a group of youngsters. You hid the still piping hot sweets in your basket under a piece of fabric, if anyone were to ask you’d say it was in case anyone got hungry during the short trip. If they didn’t believe you, they would think you had a crush on someone from the team. No one would ever suspect you of being friendly acquainted with an Oni anyway. 

You chatted with the group while walking on the clear path and reached the area where you were supposed to find mushrooms. Slowly, you detached yourself from the rest and as soon as no one was paying attention, you quietly ran off to the super duper secret place. 

As you got closer and further down the forbidden parts of the woods, you could make out a very tall figure, with white and reddish hair. Surely, it had to be Itto. And as you approached the person, you could actually hear loud and cheerful chattering. Yep, no mistake, it was 100% your one and oni friend. 

“Hey I’m here !” 

Your bright voice got his attention and the happiest he was when he saw your smiley face. 

“I’m so glad you got here ! And it smells good too !! Did you make something ?”

“I sure did ! We received some Sakura Blooms so I baked us Sakura Taiyaki, you remember when we talked about it and how delicious it must be ??”

“You’re amazing ! Can we eat them now ?!”

“Sure ! Let’s sit around here and eat while chatting, it’s been such a while !”

As soon as you revealed the insides of your basked, Itto grabbed one Taiyaki and bit into it like a starved man. It was so good he had to let you know with his most dramatic reaction, including fake tears and theatrical gestures, which always made you chuckle. Nonetheless, you knew he was sincere in his praise, which made you feel proud of yourself. 

You two kept chatting, catching up and just talking about everything and anything, without any care. However, it made you feel almost heartbroken that you would have to leave and go back to the group sooner or later. No one made you feel so understood and appreciated the way Itto did. Almost as if you weren’t as human as everybody else. 

“Hey, you look kinda sad… You ok there ?”

You could see the genuine worry in Itto’s eyes, which made you smile in return. 

“Well, if I said yes you would know I’m lying anyways, so I’ll just say it. I wish I didn’t have to meet up with you in secret, I wish I didn’t have to hide it from everyone else. I’m sure you would get along very well with my friends…”

“I see… Don’t be sad though, I think I have a plan !”

“A plan ? What kind of plan ?”

“Just trust me ! Can you do that for me ?”

Itto’s eyes were shining with excitement and determination, how could you not say yes ? He never harmed you in any way and always made sure to be careful so you never got in trouble. 

“Sure, I’ll trust you.”

The second you finished your sentence, you felt yourself being lifted in the air and rested on his shoulder. You never realised how strong Itto was but this almost convinced you were as light as your basket. By the time you processed everything Itto started running not towards your village but the complete opposite direction and it made you panic. 

“W-wait ! Where are you going ?”

“Don’t worry ! I’m going to introduce you to my clan and I’m sure they’ll all love you !”

Hearing his words had the opposite effect Itto wanted. Now you were panicked and confused. He was supposed to be your friend, so surely they wouldn’t try to devour you, right ?

“...but wouldn’t it be dangerous ?

“Huh ? Why ?”

Itto sounded puzzled which made you the more puzzled out of the two. Was he acting ignorant on purpose ? What the hell was going on… 

“Aren’t they going to want to eat me ? Are you serious ?”

“Huh ?? No ?! Wait.” 

Your words made him instantly stop in his tracks. After a few silent seconds, he loudly gasped in realisation. 

“So that’s why you guys been avoiding us like crazy ! We don’t eat humans though, well, not anymore at least haha !”

“What do you mean anymore ?”

“Uh… like, for the past few centuries ? Something like that, before I was actually born !” 

“Oh…”

His explanation had to be trustworthy, Itto never lied to you once and he kind of sounded like the guy who couldn’t lie to save his own life, if you had to be honest. You felt deep shame but also hope. You were determined to explain everything to the village elders and let them know that peace was actually an option and could be a reality if only both sides could talk to each other and clear up all misunderstandings. 

“Itto, I’m sorry for doubting you and your kin this whole time…”

“No worries ! I’ve heard of all the stories from the past so I understand why humans would still remember, it’s not like we told them about our dietary changes hahaha !”

You smiled to yourself, so thankful for your wonderful friend, who then resumed his rapid pace to his home. He has always had been the most supportive for you and you were always thinking of doing something in return. You were filled with determination more than ever, you knew you could change history and it was certainly far from being a small deed. Everyone would be finally free ! 

While you were lost in your thoughts and plans, Itto kept running and running until he saw his own village. When he got close enough he had to slow down, he looked up for the first time and noticed the sun already hid behind the trees and the sky was adorning beautiful ardent colours. Winter might have been over but the days were still in the process of getting longer with each day. 

“We’re almost there baby ! See ? That’s my house on the right !”

Baby ? That was quite unusual, he never called you that before… But oh well, he was so excited he probably misspoke or something, plus you were growing curious about how the Onis lived, compared to fairy tales. You were trying to prop yourself to get a glimpse, Itto’s grip still keeping you in place on his shoulder. 

“Can’t really see like that, you know haha ?”

“Oh shit sorry my bad ! Don’t worry, once we get inside you’ll have plenty of time to look around haha !”

Itto couldn’t contain his excitement, finally he was able to bring you to his own home and introduce you to everyone. Knowing you, he was sure you would have no trouble making friends either. Heart buzzing with trepidation, he marched towards the main gate of his village, which appeared larger and larger with each step towards. Onis were bigger than humans, of course they would require bigger housings. He had no doubts you would get used to the differences pretty quickly. 

It was only when Itto stepped past the entrance that you could see what it actually looked like, as well as the intrigued faces of his kin. What felt strange to you was that they were exactly that, intrigued. Not puzzled, confused, horrified or predatory. Admittedly, they didn’t appear like they wanted to devour you but they…had a strange look. Maybe they actually had not seen humans before, outside of books or pictures ? 

Suddenly, Itto grabbed you with both hands and carefully placed you on the ground, with the biggest smile you have ever had seen on his cute face. It was the first time he brought you over, while most kids had that experience much earlier.

“So this is your house huh ? It is much bigger than the ones in our village, everything around here is bigger haha”

“Wanna come inside ?! I’m sooo happy you’re finally here at home !”

“Of course ! I’m so happy too ! Never thought this dream of mine could come true one day…”

Awfully excitedly yet gentlemanly, Itto ran to the door and almost broke it with the sheer force he opened it for you. You giggled and went inside, eyes wandering from wall to wall. Interestingly enough, outside like inside, Oni homes didn’t seem to differ that much from regular humans homes in Inazuma. Although, they did have features appreciated by the Onis, such as anti-bean artillery. Or maybe that was just Itto’s house. You cringed on the inside, remembering that one time you almost killed your friend with a dorayaki. 

“So uh…do you like it around ?”

Itto’s shy question made you turn towards him and you saw a blush creeping on his face. He was so nervous he couldn’t look up. You could tease him but, he might actually cry so maybe not this time. 

“Yea ! It actually kinda looks like home, I didn’t think it would be so similar. Though, it kinda makes sense ?”

“I’m so glad you like it ! Are you hungry by any chance ? I’d love to make you food to celebrate the occasion !”

How could you say no ? His grinning face was too cute to refuse and, if you were being real, if you weren’t going to be eaten, was it that bad to be here when you were both adults ? You weren’t a kid anymore, you could make your own decisions. 

“Alright, I’ll be your guest but ! I’ll help you with the cooking, I don’t want to be sitting around doing nothing while you do all the work buddy.”

“Sure, cooking together is super nice too !”

You also planned to make sure he wouldn’t cut a finger off due to overexcitement… Apparently, knives were also bigger than the ones you were used to, so the both of you had to be careful. 

After chatting and debating, you two decided to make some Yakisoba Oni style with Tofu Soup on the side. For dessert, you brewed tea and had some Oni made candies, with new flavours like Sakura Bloom, which instantly became your favourite. Now that the situation was different, you could take some back home and let everyone taste them, maybe even make them yourself. There was no more need to order Sakura Bloom from the city. 

 “Can I take the remaining ones for my village ? I’d like to have the village elders taste them and explain to them what happened.”

“Sure ! But those might go bad by the time you see them again haha ! Alright, let’s set the bed up. Sorry I didn’t prepare it, I had no idea you’d be coming over…”

“It’s ok, I had no idea either. Oh, but I didn’t bring any of my stuff… could I maybe…?”

“No worries ! The Greatest Oni has everything covered !”

Itto rushed to a drawer and took out a small box, which contained human sized toothbrush with toothpaste, both which seemed rather familiar, but all toothbrushes looked the same anyway. 

“As for clothes, you can borrow my stuff if you don’t mind, of course. If it’s too much, I can always ask the granny next door !”

“Thank you, I don’t want to bother you but I want to bother others even less so your shirt will be enough haha”

Sometimes, unplanned sleepovers were the best and you were set on making it the most memorable. Although, it should be the first of many memories, now that there were no danger or threats. 

You took a bath and got changed while Itto was bathing too, although you didn’t need to ask any questions about him feeling happy, considering the speed of his washing time. Nonetheless, he came out squeaky clean and even more excited than he had been all day long. 

“Should we turn the lights off and chat in the dark ? I’ve always wanted to do that but my parents didn’t let me sleep out and by the time I didn’t need to ask for their permission, we grew out of sleepovers…”

Itto’s last wish was to make you sad in any capacity. If anything, he wanted to make you the happiest and now was the best time to start being the reason why you smile. 

“Anything for you, My Lady.”

Good thing he had some pants or he would have 100% dropped the towel while making a dramatic reverence. 

“Come over quickly then !”

Itto dashed to your side and jumped on the bed, making your body bounce up with the impact. Oni beds had thicker and bouncier mattresses, noted. 

Hours passed and eventually you passed out, excitement had run out and exhaustion claimed your body. Before it got to his turn, Itto fondly watched you sleep, as he still couldn’t believe it was real. The only way to know was to wake up the next morning and he would be sure that it wasn’t a dream of sorts. 

Morning birds sang spring tunes and sunlight came through the spaces between curtains. Itto woke up as usual and as soon as he turned his head around, he remembered everything that happened and got immediately filled to the brim with joy. He managed to contain his emotions so he could watch your peaceful face for longer. 

To his biggest disappointment, you ended up waking up a couple of minutes later. After the initial shock, you too remembered the escapade and pieced everything together. It really felt different to wake up like this. But it was unfortunately time to go, if you didn’t want your whole village to take up their arms and storm through the forest. 

“How was sleep ? I think I’ve had my best night in a while haha”

“I dreamed of you last night, no joke ! Imagine my surprise when I woke up with you in my bed… I thought I was still dreaming !”

“Haha I don’t remember my dreams, all I can remember is that we were together and no one else was telling me to go home… But sadly, I think I have to or my family will be too worried.”

“It’s ok, you can stay for longer, we have food and everything you need. As for your family, I can send them a message telling them that you’re fine and all !”

“Uh yea but… I don’t think I can stay though…”

You slowly sat up on the bed and started stretching your limbs, closing your eyes in the meantime. You really had an amazing night of sleep, that mattress must be the reason. Maybe there was a human bed sized one, you would love to have one at home. You opened your eyes and that was when you noticed Itto hadn’t answered you back. You looked up to him worriedly. He must be sad at the idea of you leaving so soon. 

Or so you thought. 

Itto wasn’t happy but he wasn’t sad either. What he felt was an ache in his chest and he knew what he had to do, if he wanted to stop the growing pain. Surely you would understand, right ? 

Itto’s lips crashed against yours, a hand of his behind your head holding you still. You tried to push him away but he was too strong, so you had to wait for the kiss to end before you could speak to him about your boundaries. 

After what felt like minutes, Itto broke the kiss and locked eyes with you while catching breath. There was your moment. 

“Itto… I really like you a lot, but…-”

‘you’re my dearest friend and that’s the only way I see you.’ was supposed to follow but Itto didn’t let you finish. His lips devoured yours once more and this time he pushed you down with his body, trapping you between his own much bigger frame and the bed you had slept on. 

Although your efforts to push him away were quite fruitless, Itto caught your wrists with his hand and pinned them above your head. The realisation of what he was doing and what you were wearing made his blood rush down to his growing member. His Oni genes blessed him with better smell than humans and he definitely could smell how his scent was now mixed with yours on the shirt he lent you for the night. 

In his rut, Itto accidentally bit your lip but as soon as he was about to apologise for hurting you, he got much harder because of the little noise you made and the taste of your blood in his mouth. He really tried to be gentle with you but he couldn’t fight back against his instincts. His whole body had been screaming at him to fuck you senseless and make your belly go round with his offsprings. 

He loved you too much to let you go, he knew you would never return. He lied to you when he said Onis stopped eating humans, some clans still did. Two girls were caught last year and were offered to be shared with his village, although they refused the offer. Another girl, on the other hand, didn’t end up in the stomachs of neighbouring Onis. She was actually still there in his village, kept as a wife. Which was exactly what he planned to do with you. 

His head full of domestic fantasies, Itto’s other hand travelled all over your body, which turned out to be much smaller compared to his size. He never had the chance to look or touch you so directly, he had no idea he would be so turned on by this discovery either. 

Itto quickly grabbed his signature thick white and purple ropes and tied your wrists together to have both his hands free to explore your body with more ease ; all the while he kept kissing you over and over, with breaks long enough to breathe a bit but too short to say anything in between. 

Itto grabbed your thighs and parted them with seemingly no effort, even though you did all you could to keep them closed to no avail. He settled himself between your legs and pushed them a bit higher up to your chest. A concern suddenly got to his mind, so his lips parted with yours. While catching his breath, Itto thought hard about one thing : to keep or to remove the shirt that was now glued to your sweaty skin. His pondering gaze was stuck to your heaving chest, he couldn’t see you shake your head, tears in your eyes. 

After a few seconds, Itto steadied his breathing and made the decision. He grabbed your top and tore it open, buttons flying all over the place but kept it on you ; he wanted you to wear it while making you his, as a romantic gesture. 

The sight of your jiggling breasts made his cock impossibly hard and unbeknownst to him, his hips started rutting against your still clothed core. You assumed that his shirt was so long you didn’t need any bottoms, so you only wore your panties you washed before sleep. Having pants would have changed nothing in your case. You still felt how hard he was, but most importantly, how huge he was. You should have known, if everything about Onis was bigger, of course their cocks would be much larger than human ones as well.

Your clothed heat felt so, so good that Itto felt his impending orgasm. But he gathered all of his willpower to not cum on the spot, rather he wanted to fill your pussy to the brim with his seed and not waste a single drop. He could paint your skin white another time.  

He somehow managed to stop his hips before tearing your underwear to shreds and admiring how wet you became. Seeing your clit throb with need made his member throb in reaction. Itto smeared his precum with his tip all over your pussy, while slicking himself up. 

Before he could move again, you opened your mouth to beg him to stop and reconsider. Unfortunately, Itto’s mind was so dizzy with his love for you that he couldn’t even imagine your denial. The only thing he had in his mind was making you moan and cum around his cock, milking him dry in the process. Which was why he cupped your cheek in a loving and tender manner, while pushing his tip inside. 

Everything hurt, he was just too big. He penetrated you slowly but surely, until he could feel your cervix. Tears fell down your face but Itto kissed them all away. He didn’t like seeing you in pain, so he stilled himself inside of you. You felt his hand slide down your belly and reached between your folds, aiming for your clit. Itto repositioned his hand so his thumb would be giving it languid circles, which made you tighten around him with each stroke. 

When your cries turned into moans, Itto slowly pulled back up to the tip and pushed back inside with more ease than the first time, which he happily took as a sign that your pussy was ready for him. He then gripped your thighs harder and his thrusts turned animalistic. 

Each thrust was so deep and hard, it was so much more intense than anything you felt before. Itto was so big he made your pussy stretch around him without any more space left, he could reach all your pleasure spots at once when his tip was kissing your cervix. All of that was happening at a maddening pace. Your mind was clouded with pleasure and all you could think about was Itto and how good he was making you feel. So good that you felt the coil in your stomach explode, making you clench tighter than ever.

Needless to say, Itto was getting drunk on the feeling of your throbbing pussy around his cock. The fact that he was the one who could pleasure you like this filled him with happiness and pride, as well as a hint of possessiveness. The last bit made his thrust go even harder, he was sure you wouldn’t be able to walk properly for weeks. Not that you would even need to, in fact. Soon, you would become his sweet and delightful wife and mother of his children and not of some bastard, how beautiful you would be ! 

Such thoughts of you quickly sent him over the edge. In your haze, you felt his load flowing inside of your pussy, yet that was only one round. Itto wanted to make sure you would make his own dream come true, he had to make sure you were overflowing with his cum. Fortunately for him, his cock was still as hard as a rock and ready to fuck load after load into you. 

“Baby, I love you so much ! Let’s keep making memories together !”

[tommybowefuneralattendee]

shayncer 274?

number 274 on the spreadsheet is from this list of prompts the prompt you generated in specific is: you're my everything also partially inspired by this ask

linked on ao3 || read under the cut || 10.6k, rated E

summary

"Sure, Spencer. We'll call what I am mad. Like when I called what we had a relationship, and how you refer to it as fucking. I'm gonna head out." || Or, Spencer and Shayne don't communicate clearly and more people face consequences for that than you think.

The worst thing about fighting with Spencer is that he's nothing less than professional the entire time. They haven't had a real conversation in at least a month, a few days before they broke whatever they had going on off, and it's been all business ever since. He doesn't act like he's mad at Shayne, he doesn't ignore him, he just acts like Shayne is his coworker. Even if their relationship wasn't exactly what Shayne wanted it to be, they had always had a really good time hanging out together. It seems like that's over now. He's never been a particularly talented hand at losing and furthermore mourning friendships; he's been friends with Damien for their entire adult lives, friends with Courtney and Ian for years, friends with everyone on the goddamn cast because he has a nearly pathological need for everyone to like him.

That's not really what it's about with Spencer, though, is it? Things are fucked because of how different what he wants from Spencer is from the rest of his friends. He wanted more than Spencer could give. It is what it is. He's been a bit of a fucking wreck since everything happened. Since Spencer broke up with him. Whatever the fuck you want to call it.

"Hey bud, Spencer asked me to come grab you for the meeting that started a few minutes ago?" Damien says, knocking his knuckles against the desk Shayne has his head down on. He rests his hand on the back of Shayne's neck, squeezing briefly, comforting. He knows that Damien wants to help. It still cracks him in half that Damien needed to come tell him instead of Spencer opening up their text thread and messaging him directly for the first time since he fucked everything up. Still, he gets up, moving himself out from under Damien's hand, which is retracted out of his way. "You okay?" Damien asks, his voice far too gentle. Shayne forces a smile, nearto gritting his teeth from the effort of it. From the raise of Damien's eyebrows, the effort is most definitely wasted.

"I'm fine, man. Just tired. I'll head that way," he says, making that forced smile softer. He doesn't know why he's trying. Damien has always known when something was going on with him. It doesn't help that Damien was his first phone call when everything went down, his violent sobs moving Damien to be waiting at Shayne's apartment when he was finally able to calm himself enough to drive home. It was a casual thing. It shouldn't have hurt as bad as it did. We do not want the same things. Spencer had been so sure of it, so convicted, as if Shayne's feelings for him were plastered across the wall, bold font. Even when he had tried to argue his case, he could tell that Spencer just wanted him to go. To let it go. To let them go. To admit that there was never a them in the first place.

"Text me if you need me, okay? I've gotta leave for my thing, but I'm around for you. You know that," Damien says, pulling Shayne out of his head with that and a quick kiss to his temple. He gives Shayne one of those significant looks before he's heading out and a genuine smile pulls across Shayne's face for perhaps the first time all day. Not to be the allistic best friend, but quirks he's always fondly thought of as just Damien are apparently autistic traits (revelation to both of them, really) and his fondness for them has not waned in the slightest. That's his best fucking friend.

He's distracting himself. It's on purpose.

"Hey guys, sorry I'm late," he says as he ducks into the meeting room, directing an awkward smile to the entire room. Spencer is looking at him, eyebrows raised and eyes hard behind his glasses.

"Glad you finally decided to show up. Back to my thing-" Spencer continues like he hadn't missed a beat, such a clear dismissal that it pangs in Shayne's chest. He's not sure what would have been ideal for Spencer to do there, though. Interrupt the meeting to get Shayne back up to speed? Fuck no. Maybe it's that he covets what he used to have: that easy rapport with Spencer, access to his dumbest one liners and wittiest quips, front row seats to the way his eyes sparkle when he laughs at his own jokes. It's his fault. He made it weird. He did too much. This isn't Spencer's fault.

Take accountability for your actions. Follow the lead of the person you fucked up with. Be willing to earn their trust again. He doesn't know if he could be more willing, but it doesn't seem like Spencer is open to opening back up that door.

"Shayne?" Spencer calls, pulling Shayne out of his thoughts succinctly. Shayne clears his throat, sitting up straighter.

"Yeah, yeah. Got, uh. Got lost in thought," he stutters, not quite making eye contact with Spencer but coming closer than he has in a few days. Spencer hums, looking to everyone else in the room as if to commiserate with them. He puts his hand up beside his mouth and speaks then at full volume. Everybody loves a bit.

"This guy never listens when I talk, can you believe him?" he says. It shouldn't even bother Shayne. In fact, he had thought he would enjoy it if Spencer made fun of him again. Guess it's different when he doesn't feel like he's in on the joke. It is not that serious. So why does Shayne feel like he's about to start tearing up?

"I'm, um. I don't think I'm going to be of any use and I don't want to slow you guys down, so I'm just gonna head out," he says, smiling even though he knows it doesn't reach his eyes. He hears Spencer say his name but he's already out of the door, and down the hall by the time he hears it the second time. He stops in his tracks anyway. He never was good at taking the easy way out.

"Shayne," Spencer says again, quieter this time. Clearing his throat, Shayne turns around. Spencer is frowning at him. Despite everything, that little frown takes Shayne's guard right down. He's missed the warmth of Spencer's concern. "What's wrong with you?" Spencer says, and the guard goes right back up like it never came down in the first place. Be safe or be happy? Shayne doesn't know that either are in the cards for today.

"Nothing. Tired. Can I go?" he says shortly, brusquely. Spencer furrows his brow.

"Yeah, man? How the fuck would I stop you?" he says, still giving Shayne that analytical look like Shayne is a problem to solve. He clears his throat again.

"Cool," he says, turning back around and heading down the hallway again. Spencer isn't quiet in following behind Shayne, so he's almost expecting it when a hand closes on his elbow.

"Dude, what is your fucking problem?" Spencer asks, spinning Shayne around with more strength than Shayne knew he had. He pictures a wall between Spencer and his feelings. It's so much harder to be hurt when every soft spot about you is covered in stone. They never tell you how hard it is to be loved like that. Hurt is an ugly thing pacing the cage of his ribs, festering as it has been for the past month, and Shayne doesn't know how much longer he can keep making it smaller and making it smaller and making it smaller before the pressure of it kills him, his grief diamond hard and shiny. Sparkling.

"Why the fuck do you care, Spencer?" he asks flatly, steam shooting out the pressure valve as he moves out from under Spencer's hand, frowning. Spencer has the audacity to look like Shayne has said something out of pocket, as if there's a reason he should think Spencer cares what his fucking problem is. Like there's a reason he should think Spencer even cares if he's okay.

"We were in the middle of a meeting," Spencer says, even this protestation a little weak. Shayne closes his eyes for a second, breathing out through his nose deeply. Composing himself. Putting the pieces of armor back together.

"I know, and I'm sorry that I won't be able to be present, but you all should continue without me. They're waiting for you," he says diplomatically, pulling the public persona back together even if he is off camera. Spencer makes a face at him, his confusion plain.

"Who cares? They'll wait," he says, which is likely true. There's an hour booked out for this meeting despite everyone attending being aware of the fact that it would only take maybe forty minutes, if Spencer was slow about it. That's always how it is when Spencer is conducting a meeting. He gets nervous or excited or just Spencer and he starts talking a little too fast, running through trains of thought like he never has to change stations to get from place to place. Still, he's not sure why Spencer is protesting so much. Shayne's giving them both an out here.

"Why?" he asks, unable to just keep the question to himself even if he'd rather be anywhere else. If he texts Courtney, they'll almost definitely be willing to pick up whatever slack he'd be leaving by peeling out of the parking lot right now. Instead, it feels like he's frozen to this spot, caught in this moment.

"Because I want to know what your fucking problem is."

"Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to, Spencer," he begs, steeling his voice in the hopes that it sounds like something different from what it is, but to himself he can admit: it's begging. Spencer narrows his eyes and catches Shayne by the wrist, pulling him into an unused office and staring him down.

"Are you that mad that I'm not gonna fuck you anymore? We want different things, Shayne. I'm trying to protect us both," he insists; it's the same thing he said then. It's so fucking corny. Breaking it off with someone and saying you're doing it to protect them. From what? Just admit that you don't want it. He just wants Spencer back. Even if it's just as a friend. Still, he's not even nearly mentally collected enough to start this conversation, let alone end it, so he might as well cut it off now. The hurt turns to vitriol in his throat and he casts it out, bitter and rotten.

"Sure, Spencer. We'll call what I am mad. Like when I called what we had a relationship, and how you refer to it as fucking. I'm gonna head out," he repeats, ducking out of the office and making his way down the hall much faster than before. He hates that little part of himself that wishes Spencer would follow this time too. He makes it all the way to his car without interruption. He texts Courtney. He drives home.

In the coming weeks, it's more Shayne avoiding Spencer than it is the other way around. At least, according to Damien, that's the case. While Shayne is ducking out of rooms when he hears Spencer down the hall and taking his lunch at his desk so that he doesn't run into Spencer when neither of them are on the clock, Spencer is apparently looking for Shayne now. He doesn't ask all the time, of course, but Damien says they don't talk for more than a few minutes before Spencer asks where he is, how he is. Every time Damien tells him about it, that little bit of excitement ("He likes me, he cares about me, he wants to know how I am," bullshit) hits Shayne hard enough to make him nauseous, or maybe that's just the self disgust. He wants to be over this more than he's ever wanted to be over anything.

He wishes Damien was here. Everybody always seems to think it's him acting as a social buffer for Damien, but really, that shit is reciprocal as fuck. Even a thread of discomfort on Shayne's face, Damien is making excuses and flashing sweet smiles, charming enough that no one even thinks to get pissed off. Even when Shayne is the social buffer, it never feels like he does it so smoothly, so naturally. Years and years of acting, and all it's done is make him more comfortable in front of a camera than he is without one. It's easier when there's an audience to play to; he already knows he doesn't play well to this one.

He hates that he's not good at being alone with Spencer anymore. He hates that this feels like a skill he'd have to relearn.

Courtney had invited him out, said Tommy was coming too. Tommy apparently invited Spencer. Court said they didn't know, and it was all very sudden. He doesn't blame Tommy. Tommy doesn't even know. Probably? Oh god. Shayne definitely hasn't told him, but Spencer is closer with Tommy anyway, and he's already told Courtney he'd stay. If he walked out on them now, when Tommy and Spencer are supposed to arrive in the next five minutes? Never gonna fly. He sits next to her reluctantly, resignedly. He's nursing what may be the worst beer of all time, but Courtney ordered it for him to cheer him up, so he'll pretend to like it for as long as it takes to finish it. He didn't come here to get drunk anyway. He came here so Courtney and Damien would stop giving him that you can talk to me look, tiptoeing around him like Spencer broke his fucking heart or some shit like that.

Even if it's true, they shouldn't say it.

It's like he can feel it when Spencer walks in the room, his gaze pulled to the door just as Spencer crosses the threshold of it. Fuck, he looks good. He's wearing one of his stupid little button-ups, jeans that are just a little too long for him, the same boots he always wears. And yet, Shayne doesn't know if he could take his eyes off of him if he tried. He can't even make himself try.

He's grateful when Courtney grabs his arm, refocusing his attention on them. They raise an eyebrow.

"You gonna be okay? I'm not gonna make you stay here if you're not gonna be okay, dude," she says, words perhaps a little casual for the burning in his chest, but the sentiment appreciated all the same. Courtney has no idea that it's sentiments like that one that will keep Shayne in his seat, beer in his hand, for as long as she's worried about him. Court and Damien care about him so much. The least he can do is try to be okay for them.

"I'll be fine, Courtney. Don't worry," he says; Courtney meets Tommy's gaze from across the room, communicating silently for a moment before Courtney nods.

"We're finding a booth. Tommy and Spencer are ordering, then they'll come find us," Courtney says; Shayne just shrugs, following their lead. They end up choosing a table with high seats instead of a booth, picked for its distance from the nearest other patrons. Spencer and Tommy follow sooner than he expects, setting a tray of drinks on the table before claiming their seats. Courtney and Shayne are sitting next to each other, and Tommy takes the seat across from Courtney, so that leaves Shayne avoiding eye contact with Spencer fucking Agnew. He gives Tommy a lackluster smile, even the pantomime of his happiness water thin and washed out like this. The smile Tommy hands back to him is gentled, a little worried, but Tommy recovers quickly, sliding into a grin and passing Courtney a shot.

"This has been one hell of a week, babe. You deserve this," he says, grabbing another shot for himself, "And so do I." Courtney taps the table three times and they down their shots at the same time, their strange synchronicity bringing a smile to Shayne's face. There are four more shots on the tray, as well as Spencer's drink, likely a light soda but they use opaque cups here so who could tell, and a few fruity cocktails. Tommy likes to try specials when the bars in town have them, kitschy little gimmick cocktails and twists on old classics, anything that sounds fun. It's something Shayne admires about Tommy, his ability to step outside of his comfort zone. Speaking of which. Tommy and Courtney both stand, about to make their first pass over the dance floor. Their tenacity is admirable. Courtney goes immediately, but Tommy stays behind a moment, leaning on the chair he just vacated to support him while he speaks.

"Either one of you, feel free to grab a shot or a drink, but don't feel pressured either, okay? I only ordered as much as Courtney and I could drink ourselves if you're not feeling it, Shayne," Tommy says, addressing Shayne directly as everyone and their mother knows Spencer's not gonna get into any of what's available. He gives Tommy a grin and bear it kind of smile, waving him off when he pauses, brows drawn together. Tommy hesitates, but ultimately follows after Courtney, seeming to be able to spot her on the floor even when it just looks like a sea of people to Shayne. It's possible that he's just looking out at the crowd, after Courtney, after Tommy, because he doesn't want to look at the person right in front of him. He doesn't know how to start. They sit silently for a long time, neither of them leaving but neither of them speaking either, awkward tension an overbearing weight compared to the past frivolity of their interactions.

Something about that tips him over the edge of it, falling from that fear directly into resignation; he just wants it to be over. He just wants to know where the fuck he stands. He just wants to have an adult conversation about this instead of feeling like he's walking on eggshells in his own head trying to avoid the stovetop burn of this, the sting of hurt that he hasn't been able to make himself let go of. He wants to feel normal, and nothing has been normal since they broke things off, and he misses his fucking friend and he wishes they were talking about this. Talking about things is a two way street. Somebody has to start the conversation, though. Somebody has to be brave.

Tipping his bottle to take one last sip, Shayne fortifies himself.

"Can I say something?" he asks, unwilling to just ambush Spencer in public like this, but needing to know where the lines are anyway. Spencer heaves a heavy sigh but looks at Shayne for the first time all night, nodding and seeming to steel himself. “I have no idea what happened with us but even if you don’t want to date me, I still loved being your friend, and I’d like to go back to that,” Shayne rushes out all at once, not letting himself leave any of it out. Spencer is still looking at him, but his brow is furrowed, his eyes narrowed, his head tilted. Is it really that crazy of an idea? They were good as friends. They were happy, even. Before Shayne fucked everything up.

"Even if I don't what," Spencer says, his tone so flat that it doesn't really seem like a question. Shayne presses his lips together, unable to stomach the fact that the thought of it is apparently so outlandish that it had never even occurred to Spencer. He forces a calming breath out through his nose, forcing the hurt down into his stomach, leaching the cold from around his heart. Still, he stands. He doesn't want to do this anymore.

"I'll see you at work, Spencer," he says, final, but not final enough to leave Spencer with the idea that things won't be okay come Monday. Because no matter how hurt Shayne is, if Spencer wants to be okay, they'll be okay. If he doesn't, they won't. He doesn't know when he became so resigned to this. He turns around, but he doesn't even get a pace away from the table before Spencer's catching him by the shoulder, desperate fingertips digging into his collarbone. He stops. He turns. He looks at Spencer. He waits. Spencer is looking at him askance, as if Shayne should know what he's trying to say here. He shakes off the hand on his shoulder. Spencer goes with it, hand dropping to grab at Shayne's shirt, pulling him closer. Not expecting it, Shayne stumbles and follows the motion, lets himself be pulled close enough to stand between Spencer's knees. What?

"I didn't know that dating you was an option," Spencer says, pulling Shayne in to kiss him on the mouth, hard and claiming and not tentative at all, like they had never broken it off in the first place. Given his givens, Shayne thinks it's fair that it takes him a second to register what Spencer even said. He pulls back when he does, breathing hard and cupping Spencer's face between his hands. Overwhelmed. Both of Spencer's hands are balled in the fabric of his shirt.

"What?" he asks, a little too overwhelmed to articulate what he's asking better. Spencer kisses him again before answering, licking into Shayne's mouth. There's more desperation in it than either of them were aware they had to give. You always think the sexual tension is going to go away after the first good fuck, the first time you have sex and you really feel like you're reaching your full potential together. Spencer is kissing him like he's trying to climb inside of Shayne's mouth, knees closed around Shayne's hips, still pulling him in as if Shayne is going anywhere. Which, actually. He breaks the kiss and holds himself back from Spencer, not letting the other man try to distract him enough to let this go. The way Spencer whines, put out, is almost enough to make him go right back to it. Almost. "What?" he repeats. He's sure the desperation to know, to understand, is written all across his face.

"I didn't know that dating you was an option," Spencer repeats, his shoulders dropping. Hope flickers flame hot in Shayne's chest.

"You wanted dating me to be an option, though?" he asks, unable to crush that pathetic thing in him, that need to know everything in extremely explicit terms, just to make sure he's wanted. Spencer makes a frustrated noise, one of his hands unclenching from Shayne's shirt to slide up and grab Shayne's jaw, grip gentle, sure, but firm. He's holding Shayne in place, making sure he's looking at him. He doesn't know that he would be able to look away anyway.

"Yes, Shayne. God, dude. You're- you're everything. You're my everything. Of course I wanna fucking date you," Spencer says, his thumb sweeping over Shayne's skin, stroking his face. Oh. Shayne swallows around the lump in his throat, willing himself not to tear up. Everything. He leans forward, kissing Spencer carefully, gently, as if for the first time. Doubt still crawls in, insecurity as good a home for it as any.

"But you were okay," he says, frowning. Spencer's head tilts to the side, silent question communicated when Shayne can actually make himself look Spencer in the eye. "When you broke up- when you called it off. You were acting totally normal. Well, except not talking to me. That part sucked." He shrugs a shoulder, gaze darting across Spencer's face. He feels like he needs to memorize every feature of him this close, every flit and fancy of expression in case he loses this again.

"Broke up. You- you were serious. About us being in a relationship," Spencer says, muted horror taking over his features. Unable to make himself lie, Shayne nods. "I did a really shitty thing, didn't I?" he asks, though from his tone, he's already come to the conclusion of that thought by himself. Shayne looks down; it's not like he can say it didn't hurt. It's not like he can that in some ways it didn't shatter him like glass, shards falling to the ground. Spencer tilts his face up, studying him briefly. "I'm so sorry, dude," he says, pulling Shayne in for a hug not just with arms around his shoulders but knees closing around his hips as well. Tucking his nose into Spencer's throat, Shayne shudders as the scent of him hits for the first time in months. He can link his forearms behind Spencer's back when they're this close, an impulse he's always pushed down because it felt restrictive, but with Spencer holding on in such a way that it would be easier to pick Spencer up than to extricate himself from this embrace, he's a little braver than he's been in the past.

"I've really fucking missed you, Spencer," he admits, his voice breaking. Spencer hugs him closer like he's trying to pull Shayne into his chest. He's tearing up again, and swear to fucking God, he's cried more in the past couple of months than he has in the past couple of years. It hasn't been pretty. Spencer's hands are careful as he starts carding his fingers through Shayne's hair, gentler maybe than they've ever been with each other. He's not sure how long he stands between Spencer's thighs with his nose tucked against Spencer's skin, but it's likely more than is socially acceptable. When he tries to pull away, though, Spencer gives a protesting noise.

"I just got you back, dude, give me a minute," he says, his voice a low murmur against Shayne's throat that makes him shiver. He drops a kiss on Shayne's skin, not in any kind of suggestive manner, but like he just wants to feel Shayne beneath his mouth. Shayne chuckles, dropping a kiss on Spencer as well.

"We could get out of here," he says, no mind for the implication before it's already dropped out of his mouth. "Not that I think just because you would be okay with dating, then you obviously want to sleep with me, it's just-" Spencer laughs outright, interrupting Shayne by pulling back a little, leaning down to kiss him.

"We need to talk more, buddy," he says, peppering kisses on Shayne's mouth. It's overwhelming is what it is. Still, Shayne raises an eyebrow, a silent request for elaboration. Spencer sighs. "I wouldn't be okay with dating you. I would be fucking ecstatic to date you. I would be honored. It's really shitty that I made you feel like that was anything less than the truth. I want to do better. Treat you better. Actually act like we're dating instead of just bitterly pining for you while having you in my bed twice a week. I like you, like. An embarrassing amount, dude. I don't ever wanna hurt you like that again." That word, hurt, it makes it sound so serious. Already, Shayne's mind is putting it behind him, moving around the obstacle and running full tilt into trying to milk as much happiness from this as possible.

"Is that a yes to getting out of here?" he asks, pitching his voice low just because he knows it'll make Spencer laugh. It does exactly as designed, bringing a smile to Shayne's face as well before he backs away a little. Spencer actually lets him go this time, though his expression makes it quite clear what his real thoughts are on the matter. Stifling preemptive laughter, Shayne takes Spencer's hand in his, kissing the back of it and offering his arm for Spencer to use as a crutch when he slides off the high seat.

"You're going to be that boyfriend, aren't you?" Spencer asks, setting his hand on Shayne's forearm and actually getting up in the manner proposed. Shayne, trying not to react visibly to the thrill he gets at the idea of being Spencer's boyfriend, grabs Spencer by the belt loops, pulling him closer just to lean into his space.

"And what boyfriend is that?" he asks, amused flirtation coating his voice. Spencer grabs onto the lapels of his jacket, holding Shayne in his orbit. Shayne doesn't know if he's ever understood the tide so well.

"Chivalrous and shit. Guy who treats me right. The guy you wanna take home to your mom," Spencer explains, shrugging a shoulder as if this is all a very easy conclusion to reach and he's not sure why he's having to explain this to Shayne himself. As if that's just something that people say. Maybe it's growing up in a military family, but he's never felt quite good enough to be brought home to the parents. It's never been something so openly refuted. His face is getting red, he can tell, but it's not so embarrassing this close to Spencer's face. He leans down to kiss him again, careful, sweet. Spencer breaks it off with a smile and a roll of his eyes, shoving at Shayne's chest half heartedly. "You're only proving my point, you know," he says, and Shayne wants to kiss him again, so he does. Because he can. He can have this. He doesn't want to leave Tommy and Courtney's drinks unattended, though, so he pauses, leaning against the table. Spencer raises an eyebrow.

"I don't wanna leave their drinks unattended, alcohol is expensive," Shayne says, wrinkling his nose. He wants to leave with Spencer, yeah, but he's not gonna be trusted to watch somebody's drinks and leave. Spencer grins, sitting back down and patting the seat that was taken by Tommy previously.

"I'll text Courtney, because you know Tommy isn't gonna check his phone, and we'll wait til one of them comes back, okay?" he proposes, to which Shayne nods gratefully. Anxiety would eat at him all night if they just left without seeing Courtney or Tommy anyway. Losing someone while they're out always freaks him out, though. He sits down in Tommy's seat, turning toward Spencer to face him instead of the table. Spencer follows his lead, their knees in an every-other arrangement, denim against denim. It's so fucking nice just to have Spencer in his space again, beneath his hands. He wants to trace over every piece and part of Spencer, afraid of the things his hands might have forgotten. Spencer laces their fingers together on his lap, staring down at their hands in a way that makes it quite obvious he's only staring to avoid something else. Not knowing what to say and not wanting to interrupt this much more comfortable silence with something trivial, Shayne runs the conversation back through his head, matches it up with pieces of others.

"When you said we didn't want the same things... you thought I didn't want you," he says, piecing together this conclusion while speaking it aloud. Spencer's gaze snaps up to his, the unique, wild eyed look of being caught for something you never thought anyone would notice. Shayne squeezes his fingers, heart squeezing in his chest. "Spencer," he says, letting his hand go to cup his face again. Shayne couldn't tell you what song is playing, how many people are here, whether anyone else is close, his entire focus is narrowed down to this right here. The idea that Spencer fucking Agnew has been walking this earth under the impression that Shayne doesn't want him all the time, the idea that Spencer didn't know he's the only thing Shayne wants.

"Don't make a big deal of it, dude," he says, eyes darting to the floor. Shayne tilts his face up, about to kiss him again, when a hand claps down on his shoulder. Fucking Christ. It's just Courtney.

"Oh my god," they say, eyebrows raised and grin huge on their face. Shayne leans down against Spencer's shoulder, intimately aware of the fact that he's about to be roasted til he dies. "Finally!" they continue, "Fuck, I'm glad you guys got your shit together. It was getting sad. On both sides."

"Wait-" both he and Spencer say at once, sitting up to fully look at Courtney. Shayne looks at Spencer again, gaze shooting back and forth before he realizes.

"You told Courtney too, didn't you?"

"Too?"

"Too! Tommy, Damien and I have been trying to work this out forever," they say, loose lipped from the drink and shot through with laughter.

"Wait, you told Damien?" Spencer asks, not directed at Shayne but at Courtney. Why would Courtney need to- oh, did they tell Damien about Spencer's feelings, that's what they're talking about. Actually, Shayne wants to know that too. He's really fucking pleased with how it turned out, so he can't fault Courtney for meddling, but that is like. A little bit not cool. Courtney rolls her eyes.

"No, Spencer, Damien's eyes told Damien," she says, tone making it very clear that this should have been obvious. Spencer goes a flattering shade of pink, the spread of it disappearing beneath his shirt, and isn't that something he'd like to revisit.

"I didn't want to leave without making sure one of you guys had eyes on your drinks. Be safe, call me if you need anything, try not to need anything," Shayne rushes out quickly, kissing Courtney on the top of her head before taking Spencer by the hand and heading for the door. An excited trill Shayne honestly thinks he would recognize anywhere pierces through the sound of the music as Tommy walks into their path. He looks like the cat that got the fucking cream.

"Tommy, I love you, I haven't gotten laid in months, see you Monday," Spencer says, picking up the slack where Shayne had slowed down at Tommy's approach. Tommy laughs, loud and bright, and Shayne doesn't have to look to know that Spencer is grinning too. They make it out the door but don't let go of each other's hands, fingers staying laced and comfortable. Being able to feel Spencer there at the end of his fingertips settles some part of Shayne that he didn't know had been ruffled with the rest of it, something clingy and warmed by the connection, something insecure and small being fed for the first time in a while. He doesn't realize he's being led until they get to Spencer's car, looking over to find his companion looking as if he's bracing for an argument. Anxiety coils in Shayne's gut.

"I know you've only had one beer, but. Let me drive?" Spencer requests, leaning against his driver's side door trepidatiously. The release of tension is profound.

"Sure, Courtney and I ubered," Shayne says easily, crossing to the passenger side. When they're both settled in their seats, buckled, Spencer backs out of his parking space, clearing his throat.

"Yeah, Tommy ubered too, but I knew I'd still be able to drive, so. Anyway. My place or yours?" he asks, immediately cringing at how classic that line is. Shayne snorts, which can't have been attractive, but Spencer smiles at him anyway, ducking his head.

"Mine? If that's cool?" Shayne asks, unable to kill that tiny bit of fear that this isn't going to go in his favor, at which point he'd rather be at his own apartment than someone else's, even if someone else is Spencer. Spencer hums and turns out of the parking lot. He hasn't been to Shayne's apartment since their whole thing. Oh fuck. He hasn't cleaned his apartment in weeks. He can't help himself, so everything is relatively organized and nothing is gross, but like. There are dishes. Laundry in places where laundry should not be. Spencer reaches for him across the gear shift.

"Quit freaking out, I've seen you do way more embarrassing things on Games than having a messy living room," he says, tangling their fingers. Shayne rolls his eyes. "Talk or something, dude. I'll level with you, I'm trying very hard not to freak out. Not like in a bad way but in a like I thought I'd never have this again way, and I need you to just. Talk. Or whatever."

"Does talking about the last couple of months count as distraction talking, or is it too related?"

"Depends? I guess?"

"Well I mean.... you haven't gotten laid in months? Hung up, Spencer?" Shayne asks, shooting for teasing and landing somewhere between that and flirtation. Spencer breaks into a grin, openly relieved to be in less serious territory.

"Yeah, dude. Down completely bad. Tommy and Courtney kept throwing me little surprise parties in my own apartment like I didn't know it was an excuse to look for-" Spencer cuts himself off, abruptly going vividly red.

"Look for?" Shayne asks, halfways between curiosity and concern. Stopped at a red light, Spencer puts his head down on the wheel for a second.

"I write songs. With, like, big emotions, I just sit down and write a song. Get it out and get it over with and move on, you know? So, like. They were checking the trash, like I saw both of them do it. They're not subtle," Spencer says, shrugging as he lets off the break, hitting the gas when the light turns green. "I get it, like. I was acting weird. I would have been like that with either of them. It's just weird to be on the receiving end of."

"Weird to have someone care?" Shayne asks, familiar with that particular struggle. Spencer hums affirmatively. "Do you always throw them away? The songs?" he clarifies, stroking his thumb across Spencer's. Spencer clears his throat, squeezing Shayne's hand briefly. He squeezes back.

"Not always, I guess. If it's not, like, completely shit, sometimes I'll leave it in the notebook."

"There's a notebook?"

"Hey, don't make it sound like a thing. It's not a thing."

"I think it might be a thing, dude."

"Babe, you can just ask me if I write songs about you," Spencer says, shooting Shayne a grin. Shayne raises an eyebrow.

"Babe?" he asks, watching with delight as Spencer's face goes pink. Affection burns hot in Shayne's chest. "You really like me, don't you?" he says, halfway to wonder and not really a question at all. Spencer likes him. He writes songs about him and talks to Tommy and Courtney about him and he turns a sweet, rosy pink when called out on it.

"Yeah, man," Spencer says with a weak laugh, squeezing Shayne's hand in his own. Shayne lifts their connected hands to his mouth, pressing a kiss to the back of Spencer's hand. Spencer sputters, clearing his throat, but doesn't make any move to take his hand back, so Shayne isn't worried about overstepping.

A quiet settles over them with them both pink cheeked, pointedly looking anywhere but each other. Spencer can pretend he's fully focused on the road, but Shayne pulls out his phone to serve as distraction for himself. He snorts as soon as he wakes his screen, a text from Damien reading Don't do anything I wouldn't do reading across the top notification. Rolling his eyes, he types in response Dames, I'm planning on having sex with Spencer. Immediately, three dots pop up followed very quickly by Peace was never an option. Shayne looks up after typing a quick fuck you, looking over to find Spencer looking amused, eyebrows raised but eyes on the road.

"Something funny?" he asks, flicking on his turn signal. Only a few minutes til they reach his place. Holy shit.

"Apparently Damien has been informed of the success of their plan," Shayne says with a little bit of put on grandiosity. Spencer snorts, but then he hums. Shayne hums back a questioning noise.

"If Damien was in on this, why do you think he wasn't like. Present?" Spencer contemplates in that Spencer way where he's mostly just thinking aloud and not really expecting an answer. Unfortunately, Shayne is pretty sure he knows this one.

"Because Damien knows that if he was there, I would have hidden behind him. And he would have covered for me because that's what we do. I wouldn't have said anything," Shayne says, cringing at the idea of his own realistic assessment of how that situation would have played through. Spencer hums, nodding his head.

"Yeah, that makes sense. I don't think I'd have said anything at all ever, so you're braver than any U.S. Marine for that, my guy," he says, still nodding to himself as if this is the most sensical thing that has ever been said. God, he loves this idiot. He doesn't realize he's quiet and staring until Spencer cuts eyes at him, raising an eyebrow. He squeezes Spencer's hand.

"'s worth it, you know," he says, "being brave." Spencer parks in Shayne's guest space probably a little faster than would fly in a driver's ed class, but Shayne's not a fucking cop and even if he was, he doesn't know that anybody could remember to say something about it with Spencer's tongue in his mouth. Spencer unbuckles both of their seatbelts and slips his hand directly up the back of Shayne's shirt, solid on his lower back.

"You make me fucking crazy, dude," Spencer says, pressing the words into his mouth with teeth biting into his bottom lip. Shayne makes a noise equal parts laughter and overwhelm, dragging himself away from Spencer by opening his door, nearly rolling out of it in his haste. The soundtrack of Spencer's laughter cracks through the quiet as Shayne gets steady on his feet, walking around the car to open Spencer's door. The look Spencer gives him, pleasant bemusement or confused amusement maybe, is priceless as he offers him his hand.

"Well, I figure if I'm gonna be that boyfriend, I might as well go ahead and get a head start," he says, shithead grin wide. Spencer rolls his eyes but he takes Shayne's hand anyway, letting himself be pulled all the way up to Shayne's apartment.

His back hits the door maybe a second and a half after the lock clicks shut behind them. Spencer's hands are up his shirt, greedy in touching everything that's been unavailable to him, bold in rediscovering territory. Not exactly satiated either, Shayne flips them around, pressing Spencer against the door and up it a little, catching the back of Spencer's thigh in his hand. Spencer gives a pleased hum, wrapping his arms around Shayne's neck and pulling a little. Used to this kind of wordless communication from Spencer if not all others, Shayne hooks his other hand behind Spencer's other knee, lifting him to put his legs around Shayne's waist. Would fucking Spencer against the wall count as a day's cardio? Questions for a different day. For the first time, he actually lets himself imagine waking up with Spencer. Sleepy sex with the morning sun hanging low in the sky still, sharing a shower so they won't be late. His mouth goes soft against Spencer's, kisses becoming slower and more languid as he presses Spencer's shoulders back against the wood.

"I'm going to fucking kill you," Spencer says impatiently. Shayne grins, kissing him a few times in short, quick bursts.

"You're the one who asked me to pick you up," he reminds him. Spencer makes a skeptical noise.

"Well, actually-" 

"Do not buzz me on a technicality right now, Spencer," Shayne murmurs into his partner's neck, kissing his way down Spencer's throat.

"I might stop making fun of you if I was otherwise occupied..." Spencer says, his contemplative tone broken by a high gasp when Shayne bites down on his skin.

"Now, we both know that's not true," Shayne says, but he puts Spencer down anyway, taking him by the hand. Once they reach his bedroom door, however, Spencer releases his hand, turning to face him. Shayne raises an eyebrow but Spencer just grabs his other hand, backing up til Spencer's falling back on the bed, settling before he's pulling Shayne with him, on top of him, on his hands and knees with Spencer's thighs splayed around his hips. Shayne loses his shirt pretty quickly thereafter, thrown somewhere across the room in the mad scramble of kissing and touching and stripping off clothes to be as close as possible. They spend a silent second just looking at one another, taking in the sights. There are so many things he wants here, so many things he wants to give to Spencer and take from Spencer, and Shayne couldn't choose with a gun to his fucking head.

"Do you. How do you want to do this?" he asks, confidence waning now that they're actually here in his bedroom with Spencer's hands on his skin. Spencer's hands are heavy on his biceps, squeezing just a little bit like he's weighing them in his grip. He looks up at Shayne with this sweet kind of wildness, like a jar full of fireflies, light and alive and so incredibly precious. He can't help leaning down to kiss him. Spencer smiles against his mouth, biting down on Shayne's bottom lip.

"I want you in me, Shayne. I wanna feel you," he says, making Shayne's heart stutter in his chest. They've done it both ways, but he's always been somewhat under the impression that Spencer liked the other way around more. He was always quieter, his typical talkative-during-sex nature dulled by what Shayne had always assumed was a slight discomfort.

"Are you sure?" he asks, concern coloring his tone. Spencer closes his eyes, taking one of those long blinks that always means he's about to admit something he finds embarrassing. Fondness for him lights Shayne up from the inside out, so thick in his head that it feels like he should be seeing everything in washed out pink.

"I like it. Bottoming. I like it a lot," Spencer says, like admitting that he enjoys sex is something that he should be ashamed of. It's not about sex, though, is it? It's about the vulnerability of penetration, the construction of masculinity as a lack of vulnerability. Stepping back from the psychological lens, something that Shayne can only do so much to tune out, the words hit Shayne and his brow furrows, trying to figure it out in his head. Spencer sighs, opening his eyes. "Ask," he says, and Shayne nods.

"You're always quieter when I fuck you, though," he says, the question clear even if he doesn't exactly ask it. Spencer pulls him down to kiss him briefly, almost like he's gathering bravery in the press of their lips.

"I didn't want to make it a thing, but I get uh. I get overwhelmed. When you're in me. It always feels so good," Spencer answers, his face burning a brilliant red. Already hard, Shayne's cock twitches at that fucking word. Good. He wants to make Spencer feel good. He wants to be good.

"Can I eat you out?" he asks, kissing a trail down Spencer's neck. Spencer gasps, grip on Shayne going tight for a moment before he actively loosens it. He wants to make Spencer hold onto him like that all night, so lost in what Shayne does to him that he can't even keep up his usual color commentary. Even if he does want Spencer to talk during. Hard to admit the things he'd like him to say, though. Spencer's fingers slip into Shayne's hair and tug just a little, the pain of it so electrifying it hardly feels fair to just call it pain. Spencer uses that grip to guide him downwards, to hip level where Shayne hooks his fingers in the waistband of Spencer's underwear, raising an eyebrow in question. The pull he gets in return is communicative enough in that it pulls an embarrassing noise from Shayne's throat, flushing down to his chest as he pulls the garment down, tossing them off the bed to be found eventually. Sliding back between Spencer's knees, he gives Spencer one last look up, one last time to tell him no beforehand. Spencer's hand slips into his hair again, blunt nails digging in just a little. Shayne pushes into it, relishing the feeling.

"Yes, Shayne. I'm yours, do whatever you want," Spencer says, enough to make Shayne's head go a little fuzzy before he even starts. He holds Spencer's thighs open with a hand on the inside of each, lowering to his chest before he licks into Spencer's hole without preamble. The noise Spencer makes is high pitched and Shayne wants to make him make more like it, so he keeps up that energy, swirling his tongue and moving his hands to grip at Spencer's hips, sliding Spencer's thighs over his shoulders. "Fucking hell, so good, Shayne. So good," Spencer stutters, already overwhelmed from the tone of his voice. The words themselves have Shayne hips twitching, thrusting into the sheets and bringing more embarrassing noises out with it. Spencer laughs deep in his throat, pleasure mixed with pleasure. He sounds fucking incredible.

"You like that, huh, babe? You want me to tell you how good you are, how good you're making me feel?" Spencer asks, breathless. Breathless would be an accurate word to describe Shayne with as well, but that's mostly because eating someone out and being so fucking turned on you're groaning like you've been stabbed uses up the lung capacity a little. That laughter bounces off the walls again and Shayne feels drunk on it, drunk on being exactly where he wants to be. Making Spencer feel good. There's more he could be doing, though.

"Pass me the lube? Same place it always is," he asks shortly, not with any malice but just unable to string any more words together in a satisfactory manner. Everything feels that gentle kind of foggy and Spencer is pushing back his hair, stroking over his scalp. Spencer tries to hand him the lube, but Shayne is sinking his teeth into his thigh, sucking a mark into his skin. If Shayne weren't actively holding him down, the little rolls of Spencer's hips would likely be full on thrusts. He sinks his teeth in a little deeper before pulling off, just to be sure to leave a mark. Spencer's dropped the lube by now, so Shayne has to find it in the sheets, kissing Spencer's thighs while coating his fingers til they're dripping.

"Start with two. I want you," Spencer says, the command in his voice enough to send a shiver down Shayne's spine. Figuring that Spencer probably knows what he can and can't handle, Shayne follows that command, circling his fingers over Spencer's rim before pushing inside, steady and slow. Spencer's head falls back against the pillows, his groan loud and a bit higher pitched with Shayne's fingers pressing deeper and deeper. "Fuck, Shayne. I love your hands. God, fuck, right fucking there," he pants, pressing down onto Shayne's hand. Saliva pooling in his mouth at the sight of Spencer riding his fingers, Shayne meets him thrust for thrust, rubbing over his prostate with purpose. Spencer's hand clenches in his hair hard enough to pull him back a little. Shayne's vision gets a little fuzzier.

"Please," he says, nonsensical when he's the one who's theoretically in a dominant position here. The way Spencer looks down at him, soft eyed and smiling, warms Shayne down to his toes.

"Add another finger, Shayne. Fuck me open," Spencer says, halfway between teasing and soothing, even just the tone enough to send more shocks through his body. When he adds a third finger, Spencer cups Shayne's face in his hands, tracing his thumb over Shayne's bottom lip. Awash in the feeling of this, Shayne drops his mouth open, allowing Spencer's thumb to rest on his tongue. Spencer presses down on his tongue, so Shayne closes his lips around it, sucking gently. He follows it up with a purposeful brush of Spencer's prostate. "You're gonna fucking kill me," Spencer mutters, hand trailing from Shayne's face down to his shoulder, holding on tight as Shayne rubs at him. He's barely giving Spencer a break, sucking marks into his chest as he relishes in making Spencer's voice go up in octave.

"You're so pretty," he says, pressing it into Spencer's skin, taking Spencer's nipple between his teeth. Spencer's nails dig into his collarbone, sending a shiver down Shayne's spine.

"I'm ready, Shayne. Fuck, I'm ready. Come on," he says, pulling Shayne up with his grip on his shoulder. Shayne chuckles and pulls his fingers out, following the direction of Spencer's hands til they're face to face, close enough to kiss. So, Shayne does. Kiss him, that is, or rather, Spencer kisses him, licking into Shayne's mouth again, taking up that space inside of him that has felt so empty in Spencer's absence. He reaches to grab a condom, but Spencer grabs his wrist.

"Condom?" he says, reminding Spencer if nothing else. Spencer brings Shayne's hand to his face, pressing a kiss to his palm.

"Do we- uh. Do we have to?" Spencer asks, visibly cringing at the vulnerability. Shayne furrows his brow.

"Are you sure?"m

"I mean, yeah, if you're cool with it. I got tested before we started- anyway- and I haven't been with anyone but you since. You, um. Obviously I wouldn't be mad because I'm not an asshole but in the interest of the concept of sexual safety-"

Shayne can't help taking pity on him, briefly putting his hand over Spencer's mouth. "I haven't been with anybody else either." Spencer just stares at him for a second, eyes round, before he nods, continues nodding, nods for perhaps a bit too long. Shayne grins, huffing his amusement out through his nose. He trails his nose up Spencer's jaw. "You don't want a condom, then?" he asks, his voice gravelly with arousal. Spencer nods and then shakes his head, confusion furrowing his brow.

"I'm not sure how to answer a don't question, dude, just fuck me," he says, exasperated. Chuckling, Shayne lines himself up obediently, pressing in slowly. Spencer's nails dig into his shoulders and Shayne shudders beneath that attention, a grounding point to anchor himself in the rolling waves trying to crest over his head. He goes slow, because he's not an asshole, but he can admit to being relieved when Spencer tries to hurry him with eager hands. He bottoms out in a single, solid push, sinking into Spencer not just at the point they're connected but all over, tucking his face against his throat as he tries to calm himself down. Spencer's nails scratch gently at his scalp, soothing, and Shayne presses kisses against his collarbones, grateful if nothing else. Spencer's other hand on his lower back, steadying and gentle, sends Shayne chuckling, tucking his face against Spencer once more.

"We're about to have the sappiest missionary sex of all time for a while, aren't we?" he asks, as cognizant of his own desire as he is of the weight of Spencer's hands on his skin. Spencer pulls him up, meeting him in a kiss that is equal parts sweetness and languid desire, sure of itself. He pulls away smiling.

"Well, we've fucked nasty enough times, I figure we have some catching up to do in the sappy bullshit department," Spencer quips, giving him a shorter kiss before he's rocking his hips down, moving Shayne to move. "Doesn't mean we can't hurry things along, though." Shayne laughs but follows directions, pulling out about halfway before rocking his hips, a short thrust enough to brush against Spencer's prostate, based on the noise he makes alone, sweet and high and pretty. He rolls his hips, grinding against it as best he can and dragging a longer moan from Spencer's chest. He bites down on the pale skin beneath his mouth, marking Spencer's shoulder with the imprint of his teeth. Spencer pulls his hair but doesn't protest, instead encouraging him to stay exactly where he is. He fucks into Spencer faster, the tight heat of him too tempting to stay at that slow pace. Spencer digs his heels into Shayne's ass impatiently still, making Shayne pull back a little just to laugh at him, pressing kisses to Spencer's face and eventually his mouth.

"Tell me how you want this," he whispers against Spencer's cheek, the mingling of their breaths warm and so, so intimate. Spencer turns his head just a bit, catching Shayne's lips with his own. He licks into Shayne's mouth like he's got something to say and only this to communicate it, a claim to stake and only this to make it. Shayne, for his part, lets himself be claimed, lets Spencer do whatever the fuck he pleases and goes along with the ride. Spencer puts a hand on his chest.

"Make me feel it. Make me feel you. Wanna feel you for fucking days, dude," Spencer says; heat pools within Shayne, the snap of his hips less purposeful and more instinctual. Spencer's responding laugh turns quickly into a moan, continuing at a low level as Shayne loses himself to this, to obedience and feeling and the biting desire to make Spencer feel good. His thrusts are getting rougher, less controlled, but Spencer doesn't seem bothered by it, in fact still pulling at Shayne, overt in trying to move him to go faster, be rougher, fuck Spencer like he means it. And, well. Who is Shayne to tell him no? Spencer is so tight it feels like Shayne is being pulled in, like the piston of his hips still isn't enough to satisfy either of them. Pulling out makes Spencer whine, hands tight in Shayne's hair and on his shoulder, knees unforgiving around his hips. Shayne presses a chaste kiss to his mouth.

"Let me up," he says, his tone gentle enough to make it clear that nothing is actually wrong, just in want of change. Reluctantly, Spencer releases him, frown making his displeasure clear. Amused, Shayne rolls off the bed and onto his feet, grabbing Spencer by the hips and pulling him to the edge of the bed. Spencer always goes a little breathless when Shayne manhandles him, and this time is no different.

"Woah," he says, legs wrapping around Shayne's hips and dragging him closer. Shayne goes willingly, still standing but pressing into Spencer, now able to get enough force behind fucking into him to make Spencer keen. Both of Spencer's hands wrap around his forearms, grip probably hard enough to bruise, but Shayne is just far gone enough to hope it does.

"Spencer," he groans, wishing he had a better angle to hide his face against Spencer's skin. Spencer looks up at him with a wild grin, the expression quickly dissolving in the torrent of pleasure given by Shayne's relentless assault against his prostate. When Shayne leans down to kiss him, Spencer bites into his mouth, teeth and tongue aggressive in their pursuit of overwhelming Shayne even more than he already is. Shayne pours worship down Spencer's throat, his hips rough, almost mechanical, but his mouth open against Spencer's, recipient. There's always a sort of thought that comes with pleasure like this- if I could do nothing but this- but never before has it felt so potent beneath his skin, the electrifying desire to serve and the fulfillment of that desire in Spencer's moans and eager hands and sweet little whimpers when Shayne thrusts into his prostate just a little too hard.

It's one of those particularly hard thrusts, hard and fast, that has Spencer shooting across his own stomach untouched, bearing down on Shayne's cock. He looks so pretty when he feels so good he can't speak, with his lips pretty and parted and pink and his face flushed red, blush trailing almost down to his nipples. Remembering himself, Shayne starts to pull out, but Spencer's legs around his hips do not loosen, holding him in place.

"Want you to come in me," Spencer says, his voice shaky but sure. Shayne's hips rock, involuntary.

"You sure?" he asks, his hips still moving in micro fractions of inches at a time, unable to stop himself from seeking out that steady pleasure. Spencer squeezes his forearms, pulling at him until Shayne is brought up on the bed with him, kneeling between his knees.

"Please, Shayne, fuck," Spencer says, voice going high and reedy as Shayne brushes over his prostate. Something animalistic in Shayne goes crosseyed at that and he fucks into Spencer hard, holding his hips in hard hands. Spencer is laughing, but the breaths between are high pitched and overwhelmed, the laughter itself aroused and strained. Shayne loses himself again to the motion of it, to the sound and feel and taste of Spencer, eyes closed as he bends close to bite into Spencer's shoulder again, grounding himself. Spencer's hand is on the back of his head, encouraging, when Shayne cums, biting down hard enough that it likely wouldn't take much more for blood to flood his mouth. Spencer pulls his hair and digs his nails into his back and Shayne is afloat in this, lost in it.

It takes a few minutes for Spencer to pull him back down, stroking his fingers through Shayne's hair and holding him against his chest. He's still inside of Spencer, for fuck's sake. Shayne clears his throat, pressing kisses to Spencer's chest. Spencer gives him a pleased hum and tilts his head back, inviting Shayne to trail more kisses up his throat as well. Shayne follows as directed and kisses his way up to Spencer's mouth, kissing him slow and gentle before pulling back with a smile.

"I'm gonna pull out now," he says. Spencer rolls his eyes.

"If you must," he says, though he's smiling as well. Shayne kisses him again and pulls out slowly, not wanting to jolt Spencer too much. Spencer makes a high noise, which is very cute, and Shayne's outright grinning as he goes to his en-suite, grabbing a washcloth and wetting it before bringing it back to the bed. Spencer is amenable to having his own cum cleaned off his chest and stomach, the sweat as well, but protests when Shayne goes to clean between his legs.

"Babe, I've gotta clean you up. You'll be so pissed off if you wake up like this," Shayne says, raising his eyebrows at Spencer. Spencer sighs, likely knowing he's right but not wanting to admit such a thing.

"But I like it," he says, pink and looking blankly up at the ceiling. Shayne hums and bites his hip, not particularly hard, just for fun. Spencer hums back.

"We can do this whenever you want, you know," Shayne says, dropping kisses where he had just bitten.

"Oh, you do not want to tell me that," Spencer laughs, fingers curling in Shayne's hair. His knees fall open anyway, letting Shayne wipe at the mess of his cum spilling out of Spencer slowly, dripping onto the bed sheets.

"How much of a fucking horndog do you think you are?" he asks, half distracted by the sight of it but still amused. With a final swipe, he tosses the washcloth across the room and into his dirty clothes basket. He does so just in time for Spencer to drag him up to kiss him, gentle but forceful.

"Dude, you've only dealt with don't wanna look too eager Spencer. Now that you know that I'm stupid for you? Don't expect to get much done," he says, grinning and kissing Shayne again, again, again.

"Bring it on."

[sergeantsporks]

Dadrius Week Chapter 2: Apologies

Hunter’s head snapped up at a rustling sound breaking through the busy hustle of the mall, and he eyed the potted plant next to him. A tiny abomination wriggled out of the foliage and offered him a note.

He’s telling me I can just stay with Camila, if that’s really how I feel.

Hunter turned the note over and over in his hands as the abomination waited patiently. Finally, he unfolded the paper.

I have something to say.

Hunter nodded at the abomination, and it scooted back through the leaves of the plant. Hunter heard a rustling sound, and he saw Darius’ face on the other side of the potted plants, mostly covered by leaves.

Is he sitting on the floor?

“You’re right.”

“What?”

“You’re right,” Darius repeated, “I’ve been ignoring you all day, not listening to your concerns. And I ignored you for years. I looked away so that I didn’t have to see what was happening. It should have been obvious. A kid, in the keep? Doing the work of an adult? Scars running up your face? The signs were all there.” His voice wasn’t loud, but somehow, it cut over all of the noise of the mall. “I ignored you so that I wouldn’t see those signs.”

Darius sighed. “My mentor meant a lot to me. And when he died, no one but me seemed to care. It was… frustrating. You may find this hard to believe, but I was incredibly angry for a time.”

Hunter couldn’t help himself. “No. You? Angry?”

Thank titan, Darius chuckled. “Oh, very. I was upset, and then… you showed up. Belos filled his shoes like he’d never existed, with some kid whose feet weren’t big enough. I think I was mostly angry at Belos for moving on so quickly, for putting someone who was too young in his place. But it was much… safer… I suppose… to take it out on you.

And it’s easy in hindsight to say that I shouldn’t have. It’s easy now to say that perhaps both our lives would have been better if we’d worked together instead of always being at each other’s throats. Perhaps you would have been happier. Perhaps I could have let go of some of that anger. It’s too late now to take all of it back, it’s too late to undo all of the damage that didn’t have to be done. I can’t change what happened. But I can change how things are going forward. I want to help now.”

Darius let out a slow breath.

“And I want to say that I’m sorry.”

Hunter nearly choked. “What?”

“I want to say that I’m sorry,” Darius said again. Fluidly. Simply. As if it were the easiest thing in the world.

As if he really meant it, with no reservations.

“You were just a kid. And I was an adult. And I should have known better. And I never should have taken out my frustrations on you. I should have helped you out of a situation that was very clearly wrong instead of ignoring you. And I am sorry for the way I treated you. I am sorry for ignoring you and the things that were very clearly wrong in your life. I am sorry for icing you out. I am sorry for treating you like you were nothing but Belos’ dog, when you needed help. I am sorry for acting like you needed to prove you were worth saving.”

Hunter gasped for air, every apology slamming into him like a punch to the gut.

Sorry.

Xxx

Darius waited. If Eber had taught him anything, it was that you had to wait for an injured creature to approach you. You couldn’t rush them, you couldn’t try to force them to come. So he waited. On the floor.

Does anyone ever sweep around here?

Finally, a blonde head poked around the potted plant. Hunter crawled out from his hiding spot. “You’re… sorry?”

“Cross my heart. You don’t have to give me an answer on whether or not you’ll move in just at the moment. For now, let’s just finish our shopping trip. Get some lunch.”

“Okay.”

Darius was off the floor in a moment, and Hunter followed suit. Darius dusted off his pants. “I put a sign on the door, the clothes should still be there. Unless you hated all of them, in which case we can start over.”

Which would be a shame, I’m sure some of them were good fits.

“No, we can go back.”

Darius nodded and turned to go.

“Darius?”

“Mm?”

“I forgive you.”

Oh. Darius’s muscles locked in place.

He hadn’t thought about that part, about Hunter actually… forgiving him.

He’d assumed he wouldn’t, he had no reason to.

Ignoring how he feels again.

A habit I should get out of.

I forgive you.

Unexpected.

And for some reason, it made his back straighten just a little, and his chin tilt ever so slightly higher.

I forgive you.

[menalez]

Hello! Can you suggest to read anything (article or books) on comphet? Long story, I slept with men, but I didn't ever felt attraction to them. I spend nearly decade 'fixing' myself, bc my first ever experience was sexual assault and then another and grooming. And then men I tried to date dropped me like hot potato telling everyone I'm frigid, which made me ashamed. They treated me like I am defected, hinting I am mentally ill. For not acting like what women in porn act at damn age of 16 bc from watching porn they insisted they know on women biology! I did not have any sex-ed anywhere so I legit knew nothing on my own biology. I did not know I am not experiencing sexual attraction bc I did not know how it works! Just these men telling me I'm not like other women. Not passionate. Women just so happy insisted I am frigid bc of the assault trauma, but I can train myself with practice. And that it's natural state to date men and my mental health issues would heal etc. Include some threats of godly punishments. I had more horrible exp, and I only now begin to realize that while yes majority of my exp were forced and later brain repeating trauma in hopes to fix it with repeating, it was also traumatic bc I can't feel a shred of attraction to men. I was madly trying to date at least any men with 'oh maybe I will not be revolted with him, or with him, or with him, bc I need to fix myself!!! I can't live being that way!' Like, honestly, mostly anything beyond a chaste kiss on the lips revolted me, but I kept making myself endure it over and over in hopes that I will 'get used to it'. Bc I was told how I react is abnormal. I froze 99% of time and could not tell 'no' or 'stop'. I was terrified when I felt that revolt first time from a kiss with guy, bc I was expecting first kiss as the dream exp, but first one was assault from drunk adult on my 15yo self, and then second was willing, but revolt I felt was extreme!! But all media and culture told me it would be the most magical exp! And everyone around acted that way too! My life was crushed and I had no idea how to live with it. And I did not tell anyone for years, being ashamed of my 'defect', just obsessively fixing it. And when I did told, women my age or older told me it will be ok once I meet the right guy/ I can just get used to it. My health, life, education, everything suffered from the cptsd I developed. I mean, now I have no idea how I was able to do it, bc no pressure can make me repeat any of it. But I was so ashamed of being frigid. And was sure it destines me to die alone. I legit was sure I am abominated defected freak and later started to act that part. It took some horrible rape for me to stop and go 'ok I will be freak, I will die alone, I will not leave the house actually at all, bc I can't take it anymore' and only then I was able to stay safe of assault and abuse. It took me many years of therapy before I stopped being dissociated from my body enough to be aware I have attraction to women instead. And I honestly don't think I am worthy of dating bc I feel stained, unpure, and generally to ashamed with all these experiences. I mostly did that all myself to myself. Honestly my worst fear is people thinking I am bi, bc saying I'm bi would erase that decade of suffering of 'what is wrong with me' I asked for books or anything, bc it makes me feel a bit less crazy if i read on similar experiences? Some things I still struggle to put together and the level of pain I feel is extreme as you can imagine.

hey anon, i’m sorry you went through all of that. it sounds quite traumatic, some of it overlaps with my experience (not knowing what’s wrong with me, trying to “fix” my lack of attraction, being dissociated and disconnected from my feelings, not feeling the way other women felt about men)

i honestly don’t know any resources that would help you. around a decade ago, i stumbled across the term “comphet” from other lesbians and they were mainly talking about it like.. ignoring your feelings because you think you must be attracted to men, even if there’s no evidence of that in your life. the more recent sources i’ve seen into comphet & more traditional sources are often moreso aligned with political lesbianism so i dont think it’s that helpful to any actual lesbians. i’ll instead reiterate the points that resonated with me back then:

1. having to dissociate to be with a man (can also be a sign of trauma)

2. choosing “crushes” on guys mostly to appeal to your friends or fit in

3. not being able to have sexual fantasies involving men (this does not include flashbacks or intrusive thoughts, but rather actual sexual fantasies)

4. sexual interactions with men feel forced & are unwanted

5. you are unable to envision a future with a man

6. mistaking feelings of anxiety or fear or nervousness for attraction to men (could be trauma-related, i advise to look back to before your trauma & analyse how you felt)

7. you felt the need to use substances to be able to get through sexual interactions with men

8. you have had to convince yourself that you somehow like a guy and practically choose to make yourself like him, whereas it comes naturally with women & is out of your control

9. you pretend to have certain feelings for men to appeal to others rather than genuinely having them

10. building on 9, playing up a romance with a man for public image purposes

11. struggling to relate to other women when they fawn about other guys

12. having beliefs that all other women find women attractive & think men are gross, but it’s just your obligation to be with a man anyways (so it’s not something you want, but something you HAVE to do)

i cant think of others but honestly what i generally recommend is to think through your life, & especially in your case think BEFORE the trauma. it’s tough because the trauma was at a young age, but it can muddy things as there are bisexual & even heterosexual women who become repulsed my men because of trauma. so think of your life before then, did you have feelings for guys? did you have male celeb crushes? or were they only female? don’t think of how you pretended for others, think of how you genuinely felt about it.

the things you said to me do not sound wanted and it sounds like you were afraid to speak up and would freeze in fear (a common trauma response). but again, it’s hard to know whether this trauma response is rooted in having a traumatic experience prior to this or if it is rooted in sexuality. don’t feel rushed to choose a label either, it took me several years before i felt confident enough to call myself a lesbian & it took a lot of introspection into my own life because like you, i was deeply dissociated and disconnected from myself (partially due to trauma & partially bc of pre-existing mental illness). being in such a state for prolonged periods can make it hard to understand your genuine feelings, but it’s possible.

also my recommendation is also to not look through comphet stuff online lol because nowadays people use it to even mean that they are attracted to guys & sometimes want to have sex with them, it’s unhelpful and might further confuse you. i wish i could share the stuff i read in the past about it but it’s all lost at this point 😭 good luck anon, take care of urself & take ur time figuring things out!!

[rimofwell]

Not a real update but a sort of reflection.

It’s been a hell of a year. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten on here to write an update only to become overwhelmed minutes in. Recounting how things got to where they are seems daunting and honestly impossible. It’s been a hell of a year.

It’s been hard. Sometimes it feels as though things have gotten worse instead of better. I don’t know. I suppose if that’s the case it’s understandable given how many traumatic and triggering events have happened since I last wrote in July.

Lately it seems as though I’ve been coming to the same realizations over and over and over again. It’s like I have this profound insight, only to later realize it’s one I had months ago, maybe even years. I think perhaps what’s different is transitioning from knowing things in my mind to applying them in my life. Knowing is different from believing, from embracing, from practicing, from accepting etc. It’s also a different kind of practice to hold onto the truths you fought so hard to come by when things are difficult, especially when they are difficult as the kids say. Things have certainly been difficult.

Having insight into my life isn’t necessarily what’s been challenging. There are certainly core beliefs I’ve had to work incredibly hard to change, that’s true. But it’s not for lack of insight that I’ve remained stuck in a lot of ways.

My therapist and I talk a lot about splits. All the splits that existed growing up, like with my parents and their seemingly perfect exterior while behind closed doors being quite the opposite. I had these splits modeled for me early and I carried them with me into my life as an adult. I still have them. They’re not as stark as they were but they’re still very real, very present. My moments of genuine calm, of integration, of wholeness that are lost when I get triggered beyond a certain point.

That’s what keeps me stuck. And that’s what’s been the focus of my work now, being able to regulate myself when I feel like I’m past the point of regulation. Being able to skillfully bring myself to a place where I can know these truths even if I don’t feel them in the moment. 

I think I give too much weight to the periods of distress I have, somehow believing deep down that those periods are me in my true state and that everything else is simply a facade. 

It makes sense. For my whole life, I was forced to act like everything was going well, so I learned to mask everything. I learned to force down that distress, to ignore it, to abandon myself in service of what others wanted. And now, I think giving so much weight to those periods of distress is because I never want to do that again. It’s as if my holding onto those states is holding on to my younger self. Telling her that I won’t leave her again, that I won’t forget. 

But now the truth is that I am safe. My life, in many ways, is full. It’s pretty good. Even when I’m suffering so much, it's still good. I’m trying to shift my mindset. Letting go of the belief that these distressed states are more real and seeing them for what they are: memories from a past that nearly swallowed me whole. And while doing so reminding my young self that I’m not leaving her there. That I’m not abandoning her. Instead, I am bringing her with me into this beautiful life we have now. 

It reminds me of a quote from someone on here whose name I can’t remember. I can’t abandon the person I used to be so I carry her.

Maybe sometime soon I’ll write bullet points about the concrete things that are going on and where my life is at but for now this is the most real thing I have to say. It’s what feels most true.

[harlowhockeystick]

hi dbf!ej angst era anon here… i attempted to give them somewhat of a happy ending but idk if i managed that i'm not good at writing groveling... hope you enjoy anyways!

you were nearly back at ejs place when you made a decision. he turned the radio off in a huff after it started playing some song he couldn’t stand instead of switching to a different station so you were left listening to the AC and traffic noise. at one point you were debating simply getting out at the next red light but that could lead to attention, something you wanted to avoid, so you decided against it. the thing between erik and you was never meant to be more than a casual summer fling, for him to feel young and for you to feel mature, but his actions made you feel like nothing but a dirty secret. you knew the two of you didn't have a future but that didn't mean you took his apathetic response lightly. you truly thought you meant just a little bit more to him than that.

his car came to a stop but you didn’t get out right away. erik must have because then he was knocking on your window, almost making you drop your phone. he just walked back into his house though so you reluctantly followed.

the mood was thoroughly ruined and erik must have felt the same since he just silently watched you gather your stuff. he didn’t even touch you on your way out. normally you weren’t able to leave his home without him pulling you back in, pressing a kiss against your lips or dragging you back to bed completely. all he did was say “text me when.”

you didn’t know if he meant text me when you want to fuck again or text me when you get your period so that i know i didn’t knock up my best friend’s daughter. it didn’t matter. you wouldn’t be texting him.

erik didn't text you either. it shouldn't make you this upset but you couldn't help but feel hurt. the fact that he didn't even try told you a lot about the type of relationship the two of you had.

your period came and for what must have been the first time in your life you were glad about the pain it brought.

what added insult to injury was the fact that erik still hung out with your dad. after that day you had taken to staying in your childhood bedroom in your parents house, isolating yourself from everyone and everything for a while in an attempt to rid yourself of any leftover affections. ideally you'd be back to normal by the time you'd have to head back to school and if not you could always try to drown them with cheap frat party liquor or smother them in the bed of a random guy. when you finally emerged from your cave to get some snacks and see if you could sneak a bottle of wine the last person you expected to see was erik, sitting in your living room and sharing a beer with your father like he had no worry in the world.

they hadn't noticed you and you almost turned around before you heard them talking about you. the audacity of him to ask your father how you’re doing. you had to listen to your father talk about your weird behavior and hiding from the world. had to listen to erik nod along and act like he wasn’t the cause for all of it. instead of listening any longer you just retreated back to your room without the food.

when somebody knocked on your door a while later you assumed it was your dad and just pretended to sleep so he would go away. instead erik quietly entered your room and closed the door behind him. you ignored him.

“i know you’re not really sleeping.”

you continued to ignore him.

“i told your dad.”

you couldn't ignore him after that. "what?!"

"i told your father about us. and that i fucked up. and that i'm going to fix it." he came closer to sit on your bed but he didn't reach out to touch you. "i'm going to fix it but i can't do that in secret."

"so you just told him?! are you insane?! do you have a death wish?!"

"he's not happy about the situation. he's not happy about the age difference of over a decade or the fact that i am his friend and you are his daughter. but ultimately you're an adult and he just wants for you to be happy. i want you to be happy and i want to do right by you."

he took your hand in his and for a moment it felt so unbelievably amazing to feel his touch again, to feel his skin against yours, before reality set in and you cursed yourself for feeling that way.

"i acted like a complete asshole and i want to make it up to you. you deserve somebody that will treat you right and i know i completely failed at that but could you give me another chance?"

THIS IS EVERYTHINGGGGGGGGGGG

[greenreticule]

Sav Malagán and Dexter Jettster being parallels not just as poncho buddies but thematically as well... I cannot stop thinking about them.

[ID: Panels showing Sav and Dex standing next to each other in their matching outfits and their high collared ponchos. END ID]

At first, it looks mostly like Sav trying to emulate one of her heroes, with her choice of outfit, and scampering after him into the night. She even accidentally makes a comparison between herself and Dex when she misreads Maz's reaction to seeing Dex.

[ID: Maz, turning around: "Wait! is that my favorite person in the galaxy?!" Sav (thinking): “Me?! The great pirate Maz Kanata knows who I am?! And I'm her favorite?!” Sav: "Uh..." Dex, appearing at Sav's side: "Maz! If you keep talking like that I'm going to believe you one day and make a fool of myself for love!" Sav (thinking, embarrassed): “Oh. Kark.” END ID]

But even then, Sav returns the favor (accidentally) by popping up unexpectedly next to HIS shoulder mere minutes later.

[ID: Sav: "Who's getting away?" Dex: "GAH!! Where did you come from?" END ID]

Furthermore, as the story goes on, we see that it's less that Sav is copying her hero, and more that Dex and Sav are kindred spirits. Because the actions that set of the adventure in Issue #1, the actions that set off the series (aside from Sav beaning Raf with a tankard)...

...is Dex repeating Sav's actions from the opening pages. Scampers off into the night, leaves behind the usual community, shedding the mask worn around them, paying a droid to ferry them clandestinely across a lake,while also being a little reckless about it.

For as much as Dex does try to be the responsible adult (as he should), trying to get Sav to wait on the ferry, out of danger, he also is not being the most... sensible in the way he himself went about it.

Despite having an entire castle of pirates that he could choose from to ask to back him up, Dex still goes after the "most notorious pirate hunter" ON HIS OWN. Sav being there saved him not only from the droids, but likely from Raf as well.

So while it's hidden beneath the maturity of his age and the motivation of protecting a community (instead of adventure for the sake thereof), Dex still clearly has the same sort of recklessness that drives Sav.

It's the same sort of recklessness driven by compassion that we'll see a century on in Master Malagán

Furthermore, there's the parallels in how both Dex and Sav - in being on this adventure together - get a chance to see past the front that the other puts up as some form of protection.

See, in nearly every other portrayal of Dex, we're always seeing him from some sort of distance. Even in the stories where he trusts Obi-Wan, there's always a part of himself that Dex keeps walled off and secret from our POV character and thus from us, the audience.

The Smuggler's Guide, Dex's journal entry, breaks that wall down. We get to actually see what happens in Dex's mind. And it's really goddamn similar to what Sav sees when she sneaks after Dex, how he acts when he thinks no one else can see him.

Just as Dex saw the part of Sav that she keeps secret from everyone else - seeing her as pirate and Padawan both - Sav also saw the part of Dex that he keeps secret, and has kept secret over the course of twenty years of canon.

I can’t help but think of how Treasure Planet similarly used character designs and themes to draw parallels between Jim and Silver. Like Sav and Dex, they have outfits designed to reflect each other. Their introductory music (”12 Years Later” and “Silver”) is the same theme but in different styles.

They both are driven to find the treasure, it’s been a long-standing dream of them both, and they end up revealing sides of each other that they usually keep locked away.

[ID: Promotional image for Treasure Planet, showcasing Jim and Silver’s matching black jackets, tan undershirts, and left ear piercing. END ID]

Treasure Planet is one of the few, maybe only, adaptations (not prequel/sequel/etc. adaptation.) of Treasure Island that gives Silver an arc of growth, and it’s based entirely off of his relationship and parallels to Jim.

This film gives Silver a want and invites us to empathize with that want by centering his emotions, then puts a need in conflict with that want, and then forces him to choose.

Sure, he's always fond of Jim, even in the original texts, and all the other Disney adaptations have a moment where Silver chooses not to hurt Jim. But in those movies, choosing not to hurt Jim doesn't actually cost Silver anything. He still gets what he wants.

Treasure Planet makes Silver choose and therefore gives him character growth from a very selfish individual to a man who sacrifices his dream to save someone else. And it’s all tied to his parallels with Jim.

Now, Dexter Jettster is already starting out with a different baseline than Silver here. Not only do we know that Dex will be - centuries after The High Republic - a person who puts community over his own personal gain (highlighted by a comparison to Long John Silver!), Dex is already displaying those traits here in The High Republic Adventures! His actions in this comic are specifically about protecting his community.

There’s also an entire cast of characters that Sav is going to interact with, including Pirate Queen Maz Kanata herself! Which is a relationship we already know will last long into the future. I don’t know that Dex himself is going to get as poignant an arc in The High Republic Adventures as Silver had in Treasure Planet, not when Sav has so many other important relationships to develop.

Treasure Planet was about Jim and Silver. The High Republic Adventures is about Sav Malagán. As it should be. Still, the parallels that Dex shares with her, even in this first issue, already grants such depth to both their characters. And it’s such a solid way to start a comic run.

[ceoofmetagala]

Hi! I wanted to leave this ask here regarding a few things I've noticed over time. First I want to say, I'm a big fan of your work. I really enjoy seeing your characters and the ship dynamics that you share with the Kirby community for Meta Knight and Galacta Knight. With this though, there was a recent post that raised a few concerns. You had mentioned your disgust for the galactadad tag since most people use it for tagging Galacta Knight as MK's father figure due to your main ship having them as lovers. I was a little worried based on your reaction to this as I'm sure you feel very strongly about this and I mean nothing but respect but... to say that people's work of this would be 'the worst art imaginable' simply because it doesn't align with your headcanons? It comes off as... emotionally immature to say you'd block people on that front alone rather than just accepting it as something existing in someone else's mind/world, and that you'd be "crying" about it. Like... there's a lot of amazing people here you'll be shutting the door on with no explanation other than them posting two characters as family instead of a couple. Again, no shade, but this did concern me as it felt a little over the top of a reaction. When something's not really a 'trigger' in the sense that it causes intense emotional harm, it's best to learn some sense of tolerance for minor things like this if you want to be more comfortable in online spaces; and you'll get to enjoy a lot more people's company as a result too. I mean that with nothing but love, but genuinely I almost unfollowed because of that visceral reaction on your end over something so minor. The other thing I wanted to address was just kind of a quick question; is there a particular reason you misspell every word when typing descriptions and tags? I'm not going to ask you to go into detail about this as of course it could be very personal/disability related, but this poses a problem in some regards, specifically when tagging censors and trigger warnings. This doesn't happen very often, but a few times you've reblogged or posted art that involved certain triggers, one of which was shown despite me having it blocked due to me not having it spelled exactly as your misspelling was. If it were a genuine misspelling I wouldn't be so upset because of course things happen, but every single post I've noticed you greatly misspell nearly every word to the extent it's almost illegible, so this is a common behavior of yours. All I'm really asking on this is that you please just take extra care when adding censor tags in the future, just a quick reread of them to make sure they'll function as intended. This also goes for if you have something important to say or tag as again, blocked tag/topics cannot autocorrect on our end. Like I said, I mean this with nothing but love and concern for your online interactions because I've been there myself with some of these things. I really don't want this to come off as negative, so please don't take this as an attack; I just wanted to address some things that I noticed in my time following you so that hopefully no future issues arise from them. Otherwise, keep having fun doing what you're doing and please take care. I'm excited to see more from you!

"emotionally immature" I'm 16 what the hell did you expect me to act like a whole adult?....did you forget one of the main stereotypes for teenagers is being emotional? Also this point was espiclly hurtful to me I know you probably don't know and didn't mean to but I have autsim (self diagnosed it took me . SO LONG to even consider this and even longer to accept I have tism) and it just. Came off like you were calling me stupid which you baislcy are it's also way more confusing to what I am to peoplw I am mature to some? Am I just childish WHAT AM I? But that's not really ur fault I've just wlays had my people pleasing tenadcies along with struggling to know who I am myself

Anyways on to all the points

-"worst art imaginable" not in a. Like the art is like technically bad(like bad at skill to draw. I can admit some are good or even AMAZING at drawing what they do) I mean in way to me in how it makes me feel way not that. Like how the art makes me FEEL. Not like if if look at it and they tell me based on skill what this i would do, it's good great even like the color! Or sosmthing stupid like that and if you ask me how it makes me feel I would do the same

-blocking people over just a hc or ship is fine I'm my eyes, it's the same as blocking someone over shipping metakirby or being a proshitter, proshitters think this was I think another at it's basic core soooo...im not saying they're proshitters however I'm just saying that to explain to you why I'm my opinion it's perfectly valid to blcok someone over a ship hc or bene fandom! It's that. They are NOWEHRE near as bad but it was the best example I could think of to explain why I do it.

If the hc or ship REALLY does make me TAHT uncomftbfle I think it's fair to block someone over it ?? I don't get this point at all like why would I actively make myself upset just for the chance to intrecat with some artist?

- also the usually amazing people I'm sure they nice and lovely they tend to post A LOT about it. So I block them to avoid them in the tags I don't tend to block as soon as I see meta to galactadad I just block when I see them too much

- anything can be a trigger over the slightest things I have a friend on Twitter who needs cookie run tagged because its genuilly a trigger for it same with another who hates kirby and eveurtime meow sees Kirby, he's filled with rage and it's for VERY good reason in my eyes and I am still great friends with meow regardless

-also I am making myself more comfortable 8n these spaces. I'm litterky curating my experience by blocking out what I don't like, they always say "block if you don't like" when it comes to ship or soemthin so like? Why not to hcs as well...i don't get this point I don't HAVE to like someone I can dislike someone for no reason right? So I can dislike an aspect of a person like that. Idk this point also doesn't make sense to me

- as for any particular reason, I just...do that? I have to PHYSICALLY force myself to type otherwise I don't know any cause it just started one day... Sorry about my rbs being intelligible I just ?? Get really excited and tend to forget to try to be atleast a bit normal(? Idk how to word that last part)

- as for trigger tags, I try my best to tag triggers properly but I don't know that I have to tag it for my audince or I don't think it's necessary I don't think I've ever misspled a trigger tag ? I have bad memory but I'll try my best to keep trigger tags spelled right

- and finally yeah I'll make sure to do that, i just need to know what tags you need well, tagged. I don't know who you are. You're anonymous?

[imadethisaccountforaheadcannon]

You know I'm on the verge/ am actually leaving the SAMS fandom

First with the fandom toxic sun worship ignoring that sun was the primary AI whined and barely did shit until recently and now is acting like he's going threw an ""emo"" phased when it's finally him acting like an adult and being accountable for his decisions instead of just blaming it on moonwho he should have been taking care of not the other way around or their creator who wasn't there but wasn't controlling sun either sun could have stile done more.

The fricken writers for both gaslighting and enabling their own fandom

gaslighting cause earths reveal was deliberately aggravating mady seeing and to me they strait up set her up for failure especially now they they killed the bloodmoons off and the fact she was described as very well what would count as a Mary sue in this show cause even just being purely a good person just makes you stand out so much and make her a Mary sue as well cause moon and lunar and the two most innocent ones on this show

Enabling cause the majority was to busy UWUing sun to see how much of a piece of shit he was being to moon in the past and then they go shove in retcons to his character development by making him actually care enough to comfort him through a breakdown even through whenever moon had called sun out after that supposedly happening sun just yells and guiltrips him and left him in a sewer where moon was maybe contemplating offing himself.

Then they whined constantly about moon hitting sun and causing sun pain tell me do you truely know what it's like to be 2nd place to a Mary sue or even with someone with the universe bending so they don't have to feel guilty about anything now imagine your in moons position and now imagine after you convince the sue traited one to stop treating you like garbage another strait up one shows up. Ironically through by actually trying to be useful sun left him alone with a worst bit of ""perfection""

And there's killcode who I thought would be the saving grace someone to finally fix sun's negligence well after eclipse and all even through he's stile a villan cause I feel like he wants to train moon so he feels like he feels safe and happy in his cage.

And you know what I might as well put this here but there's a chance that moon gets so much attention from KC and his children cause he has the capacity to be ""fertilized" and can be very well interpreted as strait up having lunar and eclipse knows his days are numbered as well cause of that but then again this might be another way to fuck thy mothers again but I'm not sure they'll go that far.

Dammit damn it all

Oh an another thing the sun defenders are allways nitpicking to make everything moons fault so yeah I'm nearly out.

Edit I am actually out this is the firstime I didn't just flow out so yeah not sure how this is gonna go.

[minerwarfare-suzuya]

It was nearly 6:30 am before my alarm went off and I'm already spammed with messages over my recent post to be "taken down" by threats that Miles will be contacting Mobox87 from Cagney.

Plus, I've also received messages from Miles themselves but can't respond back cause he decided to block me after sending his texts.

So! Back to sleep I go!

Nah! I'm just kidding, here's what he has said!

"Legit ur what? 18+? Yet you act like a child disrespecting others for your Owen pleasure. All you do is to care for YOURSELF! Been a very disrespectful person. And legit disrespect against humanity! I have all rights to refuse to let ppl miss draw my Ocs, I don’t by them to share. That’s not how it works! Second of all I deleted it bc me and them came along! Like bro ever heared of leaving a person alone and stop bullying? Grow up and get a life instead of harrashing and bullying me ur an adult for fuck sake act like one"

You do realize that anyone and anywhere on the internet is still going to draw your comfort character without your consent. Plus, I don't know why you think you of all people gate keep the oc just cause you bought it when everyone can draw it for free.

It'd be understandable that you were upset and approached a person drawing that oc for profit and not getting any credit or anything out of it.

Now despite Yuriviq and you coming to terms with your rules by force. They are still not happy about you having to pull Mobox87 into your petty callout cause that apparently hurt them since they idolized her and her work. Nor does Yuriviq feel that it's alright to be dictated to not draw the oc they were passionate about making and posting online in their own liking.

But hey guess I'm the bad guy here right? "Like bro ever heared of leaving a person alone and stop bullying? Grow up and get a life instead of harrashing and bullying me ur an adult for fuck sake act like one"

Ironic isn't it? That I get labeled as "disrespectful" when you're the epitome of someone being disrespectful towards others.

"Second of all stop hating against little spacers! It’s freaking disgusting you need to get a life and leave me the hell alone you stalker"

Wanna a medal for that? Like seriously I don't care cause that's just you seeking attention out of your own satisfaction being online.

"Also I remember cleaning giving ppl DRAWING permission BUT WITH THE RULES no NSFW and NO shipping"

This is a lot like the situation Kev had with Blurry on him not wanting no nsfw of his oc which he paid for when most of the characters from Faces of Nothing were on sale. I just have to state that again, anyone and anywhere on the internet someone is going to draw it without your consent so why bother controlling something you'll be outplayed at. Another thing, no shipping? Why? Oh right cause he's your comfort character? Bruh go touch grass and get over yourself on a drawing. That's 1 out of billion drawings of your comfort character being shipped across the web.

"Lay your filthy hands off my Ocs :)

I purchased them and if your ass didn’t know, people is different and you need to respect that! You small ass child"

I just did and I'll do it again. Y'know I have done it before it's not my first time lol. So yeah, you purchased the character and I drew it for free. We're not the same.

Again you're a literal man child and acting crazy over the slightest inconvenience of your oc being shipped with someone else's oc.

"Also having fun insulting ppl with childhood trauma? Dmn man that’s cold"

I don't know why you care to carry that upon yourself online as some medal of honor especially on your bio when that's your personal problem outside from what others wanna know you publicly for.

Anyways that's all from Miles text messages and I certainly have to say that I do not care what he has to say about me because he's very irrational and I'm unbothered by his insults.

Now you can already assume that this post in response is a No to taking down my post since taking it down would be in Miles satisfaction.

Top it off, you really went out of your way to throw a fit to Cagney over it by spamming their dm's. Like seriously? Stfu already, if anything it's non-negotiable to talk with you about how dumb your rule is.

If anything, Miles is a spoiled human being over his comfort character and I could careless what he thinks or how he needs to get his way online.

Quit stressing, let artists do whatever they want.

Oh one more thing!

No one will praise you or know you're the owner of an oc. People will always forever know that the oc is made by Mobox87 cause she popularized the character during the growth of her online career when she made Faces of Nothing.

The people will only know you by being that user online who bought an oc and being an asshole about it when you harass them. So be proud that you own something that you'll hardly get recognition for.

[nicollekidman]

hi abby! looking for some older sister advice/energy i’m feeling very fragile today.. i just started grad school in september and i am feeling soooo lonely. i don’t have close friends in the city i live in and i only hang out with ppl from school in class. i found out that everyone in my cohort has been hanging out a lot outside of class and i haven’t been invited which i understand bc i’ve been keeping to myself mostly. but! that doesnt make it hurt less. i hung out with some ppl for the first time yesterday and it was fun but the whole time i just felt so self conscious that i was saying weird things and acting weird. there was a huge expanse between myself and the ppl i was with and i’m afraid i’m responsible for it. i thought of myself as a competent socializer, a real silly guy, before the pandemic and now it feels so hard. and i just dk what to do with myself! i know it’s only the first quarter out of a 2 year program, but i can’t help but feel like i’m behind and the gap is too large to cross now. anyway love you♥️

it’s never too late! it’s absolutely natural to feel hugely self conscious the first time you feel like you’ve been “let into” a social space, but grad school is so hard for nearly everybody! if you feel like you’re the only one feeling that way you’re 100% wrong! keep putting yourself out there and when you hang out with people try your best to direct your focus outward instead of inward, at least until you leave! you can fixate and be anxious afterwards (haven’t found a cure for that yet) but try to enjoy the moment as it happens!! making friends as an adult is SO HARD that’s just true, but having a cohort is an advantage. try to accept every invite and just live in the moment, or plan things you can invite people to! it’ll feel weird every time until suddenly it doesn’t, and you realize these people are your friends and family. ❤️❤️❤️

[atvrvxia]

&. @citrusdays​

continued from the post in the SOURCE LINK ( 1 / 1 )

                                IT FIGURES. the first and only time she decided to let loose and go have fun and act her age, ended up coming to bite her back in the ass in the most epic of ways. throughout the entire lecture, which felt agonizingly long, reina had prayed that a sinkhole would open up underneath her seat and she would fall through it. the awkwardness and embarrassment she felt was so overwhelming, that she nearly bolted out of her seat and out of the building. it was only her goody two shoes nature and desire to learn that kept her glued to her seat. but even then she had a hard time concentrating on what he had to say.

try as she could to focus on the lecture, all she could think about was him and how good he had made her feel; how she couldn’t stop thinking about him even late at night. then, the guilt would wash over her. after all, this was her professor she was thinking about. in a sexual manner. it was certainly frowned upon, despite the fact that reina was an adult well into her twenties. when their eyes meet briefly, she nearly yelped. instead, her cheeks burn even hotter and she tore her gaze away almost immediately to stare at her laptop screen. she didn’t get any notes written down, her mind far too chaotic to calm down and focus on what was really important. 

as she made the move to leave after lecture was over, she was conflicted: should she just walk away and pretend like she didn’t remember him? or should she address the elephant in the room? reina needed his class, unfortunately. she couldn’t get away with not taking it, unless she didn’t want to complete her program requirements and graduate. when he stopped her on her way out, reina froze like a deer caught in the headlights. “u-uh, y-yes, yes i am,” reina managed to say, shouldering her bag as she stared up at him. “reina hudson... sir. i should be on the class list.” 

[pinksparklelps]

I really need to get this off my chest. Whether to just, inform, or give myself some kind of peace of mind. Because i think about this so frequently and sometimes it gets so overwhelming. Everything will be under the cut, so please, protect yourself if you do not like to read about discourse/drama.

First things first, im gonna do what i REALLY dont want to do, and thats ping who exactly im talking to. Even if they dont work at all. @velvet-sword @fluffnstuffq you two. You two are the main sources of my endless thoughts.

I want to start this off with how childish you were. Your “proof” is not proof. I am not, and never will be that stupid asshole terf Florence. I am just as much of a victim as all of you, and you have no right to say otherwise. I guess i could say its my fault for getting so close to popular people that are/are nearly adults when im STILL a kid. And when all of that shit went down i was, what, 14? And you expect me to act like the mature one.

Im so tired of thinking of this almost everyday because you caused me, AND MY GF so much pain and paranoia. Why, WHY on gods green earth would i EVER want to be florence? Tell me. Give me what you think are my thoughts. Because let me tell you, I HATE ATTENTION. Good, bad, neutral, ALL OF IT!! I do not like to be complimented because i feel like i dont deserve it, i dont like to be yelled at because i feel like a failure, i hate when people even LOOK at me because who KNOWS what on earth they could think about me? Even if its just polite eye contact, the thought of someone watching me makes me freeze.

I admit, i have used gacha back then, and I occasionally use it now because the minigames are fun. Character creators are good because i can make characters like that if im not feeling inspired. But SOOO many people use gacha life/club/whatever. Whos to say one of you didnt or did have it installed? I have no proof it was you, you have no proof it was me.

And the fact that you were harassing more people just solidifies the fact that i made a huge mistake in idolizing you back then. I was just a kid who like a silly game about music and shapes, and you basically ostracized me from the entire fandom. I havent played the game in like 2 years because of the terrible memories of you.

And Blitz!! Remember that one person you mentioned that you got us all against? I know them. Theyre actually a nice person. AND. You and gingy. You crossed the line, especially gingy. Stealing my characters after the fact, redesigning them EVER SO SLIGHTLY, and making a goddamn story with them? Even my spiritual oc’s that represent parts of me. You guys are supposed to be role models. You are popular, and older, and you do this to a fucking child? Ive been more mature than youve been in that situation. You all sent hate anons when i just walked away. I wanted to leave but you kept chasing me. Funny how i got no more hate after threatening to block them.

Speaking of which, “changing typing styles.” Only way i change my typing/writing is for fanfiction/stories and when i meet new people. I naturally incorporate others words and phrasing into my language. Hell, one of my new friends got “skill issue” from me haha. It seems to me like you couldve been projecting. Taking your actions and saying IVE done them so everyone looks at me instead of you. Funny, since you care so much about justice. Justice for everyone except the child who was also a victim of tracing and cyber bullying.

And i cant BELIEVE you would think i was abusing my gf. Shes smarter than that you know. If she were in a bad situation i know she would want to leave. If i knew i were hurting someone i would feel so guilty and push who i was hurting away. Well it seems my “loving and sweet gf” facade has worked for 2 years huh. Impressive of me isnt it? No. Me and my s/o are happy and we help each other grow every day. I do something wrong? They point it out, I apologize and do my best to fix it, and vice versa. Unlike you, i know that we are happy and in a really healthy relationship.

And since im talking about all this, rainb! Yes you! You were so incredibly uncomfortable to be around. Just seeing you type was enough for fight or flight to kick in. You were so harsh and not at all understanding and its a miracle you were allowed to be a mod. Sometimes i wonder how many people in that server got hurt and how much the server has fallen into disarray. I just hope people get out of toxic situations like i did.

And lastly, how dare you make fun of my fucking vents. You, you all are utterly amazing! I couldnt even begin to THINK of the possibility of someone doing that! You fucking assholes. I can be scared of my mom and still seek guidance from her. Shes my MOTHER! And i did NOT hide behind her, and it was only ONE TIME when you all were ganging up on me in a private chat. Its not my fault i froze and fucking broke down because you thought i could cause mass chaos in a community i loved. The second you start making fun of someones feelings that they trusted you with, you have become the monster.

No matter how much I despise each and every one of you, i do not wish for you to come to harm, even though you so obviously deserve it. I hate that i want you to be happy. But my mom told me it shows that im just a kind person. Sometimes i miss you, and i hate it because you were awful. I wholeheartedly believe in karma, but i also believe you can do better. I want, need, and deserve an apology, but i know you wont give it. And even if you do, im never ever going to forgive you for what you did to me. I once almost committed suic*de because i couldnt contact you and i didnt want to lose my friends. I couldve been sent to the mental institute back then because i cared so much about losing who i loved. But i see i put my life in the wrong hands.

I felt so hopeless in that server, but in my new group, i see so many talented people and know i trust them. I love them, and i dont feel sad knowing im not as good as them. They are talented, and even if i cant fully see it, i am too. I could never see myself as good enough with you all. But now im happier, and have good friends and family that i know care about me, even if i dont fully think i deserve it. Im happy with where i am. Im happy with how much ive grown.

And even though it hurt so much, im happy i met you guys because it was a learning experience that i never asked for.

I dont care what you have to say to or about me anymore.

Im happy.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

please call me turtle!! tw for ncsa csa DID

i've recently started watching this show called The Crowded Room (which is phenomenal and deserves more attention) but in one scene the therapist//Rya, explains that split personality disorder is a result from prolonged childhood sexual abuse. and it had me thinking of my own experiences: I was sexually harrased when I was 10 years old and can remember locking the memory up, I honest to god remember thinking "throw that memory away" and I did. only reason I know now is because of EMDR therapy.

I experienced ncsa for majority of my childhood, teen years, and young adult years. but, I barely remember the conversations and can genuinely just not remember it happened at all. when I'd speak with these people I remember acting as though I were, and excuse my term, but a bimbo. I'd purposefully dumb myself down and act more radical or sexually driven. other times I'd act extremely meek and inexperienced depending on who I spoke with.

even now when I do talk about what happened, I instead use more advanced diction and take on a clinical tone of voice. these have mostly been in therapy session and it's come to the point where my therapist and I have named this version of me: Gloria. Additionally, I can't remember most of my sessions despite attending them for nearly a year. I'm aware they happened, but I don't remember majority of them at all. and I guess I just wonder if I do have dissociative identity disorder or am just missing these gaps of time because of trauma. I don't feel like I do but who knows.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. Please know you're not alone.

There's a common misconception that in order to have DID you must have endured CSA. While CSA can absolutely lead to DID, what gives people trauma is subjective. Some people can be traumatized by things others aren't, and some people may even develop DID in situations where others may not. Suffice to say, there are more causes of DID than CSA.

It sounds like you've been a few things that could be explained by having a dissociative disorder, such as not remembering previous therapy sessions and changing the way you speak when you discuss your trauma. While this could suggest being plural, it's important to ultimately leave this jurisdiction up to you and your therapist. Not only does your therapist likely have a more informed assessment of you than us, but you also know yourself best.

I wish you the best of luck in exploring yourself and determining whether or not you may have a dissociative disorder, as well as healing from your trauma. I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun