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kurohoely · 3 years

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mask (sakusa x y/n)

What happens when Sakusa realizes masks are better off than on?

genre: hurt/comfort, sakusa is in time skip!

wc: 2.2k

It was known that Sakusa is reserved, he only shows his most relaxed self to those who he trusts, which includes you. He can show those random, whacky emotions, teasing you and giving some gen z emojis but being open and vulnerable? That’s just not him.

You have been dating him for almost a few months now and a lot of people were surprised that you both actually worked out. The dynamic you both have was something people often quote as ‘not compatible’. You knew him before since you both have few classes together in college but who would’ve thought from those unintentional crossings lead you here. Sakusa’s character is pretty obvious and you kind of get it by now how he works and acts but was there any difference between before and now? Why does it feel like the walls are kept up, and builds higher than before?

You tried to initiate a lot of things. He does too but he was indeed more awkward, baby steps as you call it. Despite all that, you appreciate him, all the things he did were definitely out of his comfort zone. You kept saying to yourself that he's trying, remembering that he was the one that confessed first. You hold onto that memory in hope that it will be dynamic throughout the relationship.

But how about right now? With the new season up and running, you kept seeing less and less of him. Countless lonely dinners and cold bedsheets. Rescheduled dates and missing out on one another. You almost excused Sakusa for forgetting your anniversary, thinking it was a given. You signed up to be with someone that has no constant rhythm in their life, always the next big thing to keep their lives afloat. Again, you put on another layer, masking away, reasoning to yourself that things will work out. You don't want to bother him, let alone be the reason why he is stressing out. Patience has always been a good nature of you but sometimes, you question if you should stop being selfless and start being selfish. He is your boyfriend after all.

Sakusa noticed the subtle changes that happened. He felt that you were perfect. Too perfect, as a matter of fact. He wanted to sit down and try to understand why and where this was coming from because he definitely didn't confess to you for perfection. He wanted you. Not any other version. Pure and transparent. No mask. But as much as he wanted to, it is still out of his nature, and with the season starting, it will be quite some time before he can bring this again.

Mid through the season, work is piling up, matches are getting tougher each time they win. That’s a given. You came to almost all of his games and have them recorded on tv. Whatever the outcome, you will always be proud of him. He was basking in his prime condition; you were there for him and his plays were getting synchronized with the team at a rate that even the coach was surprised. He left the thought at the back of his mind, focusing on what he has to do first. After each match, you both have this little ritual, spending some alone time together starting with dinner as both of your schedules sometimes don't overlap quite nicely. Sakusa told you about his plays as if you weren’t there to witness it all and you can’t blame him. You love seeing the sparkle in his eyes when he talks about how good it felt when spiking. The conversation flows naturally and you both talked about how your days went. You were both walking diaries of each other. Not until Sakusa flipped a page that has been long overdue.

He cussed himself to have the audacity to forget about this issue. He doesn’t like this. It was as if he’s taking advantage of your facade, your mask. Even though Sakusa tells you many times that you need to wear one physically, this was something that he wished to be stripped off completely. He hates it. He hates that he can't be a safe space for you. Someone you can let yourself breathe from the suffocating expectations from the outside world. But what he hates the most is that you changed yourself to accommodate his own ignorance.

Sakusa flipped his match schedule. It looks like there won't be another match in 5 days. He called Meian and Iwaizumi if it’s okay if he takes a few days off from practice. Both of them were surprised that Sakusa would even ask for a day off but they agreed anyway. He’s not the type to ask for one so this must be something really important.

Saturday shifts are hard. You only have one day of rest before hustling again on Monday but oh you were SO GLAD that your manager said that you can have a paid leave on Monday after helping out on a side project for some other team.

You pushed your shared apartment door, dragging your feet inside. You saw Sakusa peek his head from the kitchen. He took off his apron and walked to you, grabbing your bags from the floor and giving a peck on your cheek. You went to the bedroom and saw the bath bomb that you bought impulsively on your previous date. A bath sounds nice, you thought to yourself.

Filling up the bath to a slightly hotter temperature, a much-needed one to shake that fatigue out from your body and start your long weekend with a fresher body. Gently dipping your toes, you hold the sides and lower yourself in, letting the heat seep into your skin. As you were shuffling your position, a knock on the bathroom door.

“Can I come in?”

“Doors unlocked so yeah baby come in”

Sakusa twisted the knob, letting himself in. He sat on the floor next to the tub, a rare sight for Sakusa and you. He folded his arms on the dry part of the tub and stared into your eyes. Losing himself in your mind, finding where he actually belongs. He knows this isn’t the right time, not even a good one, to bring up this matter but it has been pushed back for too long, he couldn’t care less about what setting it was in right now. You were always firm on your stands, confronting those to have the middle ground in everything but now, it was as if he’s with someone else.

“Hey sunshine, how's the bath”

You flushed at the pet name he called you. When was the last time you heard that softness, that warmth? The sense of home and belonging to another person, solely wanting to give your whole life away in exchange for his.

“It's pretty nice. Do you wanna join in?”

“Hmm sounds nice.”

He removes his mask and strips quickly, submerging himself into the tub in front of you. He pressed his muscular, toned back to your chest, taking its warmth into his body. Taking in whatever he could take from you between his skin and yours. Your scent, your heat, your touch, the friction, sensation - everything. He knows he wants everything but how about you? He sometimes thinks that he forced you into the relationship, going above and beyond to go with how he handles things. His fussy attitude when it comes to cleaning, being in crowds, and towards people in general. Whatever the train of thought was, he needs to know, He can’t bear seeing his future bland and monotonous because you were not there. You were his yellow, heck, you were his entire spectrum.

“Hey y/n, I know it's not a good time to ask this but, did I do something that makes you uncomfortable? I know I’m not good with words or being affectionate, doing all those sweet things that you see in movies but the last thing I want you to be is forcing yourself to be something that you are not.

“If there’s anything wrong that I did please tell me I…”.

“No! You did nothing wrong. You were perfect but maybe too perfect. I have this feeling that you weren't being yourself for quite some time. It's like you have this mask that you put on whenever you are with me. I know you are sensitive in nature - both to other people and towards yourself, which is why I fell in love with but aren't relationships supposed to be a two-way thing? I need to know what’s bothering you so please talk to me. I want you to feel safe with me. I want you to be your most comfortable as if both of us are the only ones that are living on this earth. I wish I could come and talk to you sooner about this but I got too caught up in the games. It's my fault. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be braver on confronting things like these. I’ll try to be more attentive to the small things”

Hearing this from Sakusa made your heart burst into so many emotions that were buried for so long. Happy, sad, hopeless, desperation, anger, guilt but most importantly, longing. You could only cry when he finished his last words. You were gasping for air, clawing yourself into Sakusa’s shoulders to grip on whatever you can. Wet streams trickled down Sakusa’s nape, dampening them. Sakusa was flustered as if it was the first time he ever saw you broke down. The first time? Oh God, how much has he been missing in this relationship...

“I’m sorry Omi. I was trying to be understanding. I tried to make this home at least a space where you can have at least some peace. I wanted to be with you more so badly but I know by asking it, you have to take time off or you might just think I'm annoying. And I hate it. Words cut more for me since it is the least effort to bring out but weighs the most. I don't think I can bear with it. So I avoided it. I avoid creating any chances that would lead us to fight. But then, it hit me when you started to slip away, distancing yourself subtly. Our dinner time became shorter, we didn't even cuddle anymore because your muscles were sore and I want them to heal fast so you can play your best. It seems like it backfired huh?”

Sakusa was taken aback due to a lot of things. How he finally was able to hear you say his pet name, the range of small things that you do, putting him as your topmost priority when you yourself are buried down, succumbing to earth more and more. How could he be so blind? It hurts him. It hurts him that you didn't even consider being comfortable with him. It destroys him that all of your actions were threaded with the thoughts of him when he did nothing, even worse, he forgot. Sakusa felt a sting poking through his heart, thin-like rods thrusting through it slowly. He felt a burning sensation that he was sure he didn’t like. If he felt this after hearing all of these, what about you? You’ve been carrying these for weeks, stretching out to months, yet you’re still here. How did he end up with someone as thoughtful and wonderful as you? He turned his body around, facing you. Your legs tangling together, bringing you inside his embrace, pushing your foreheads together. He lets out a breath after his thoughts finally reach a verdict.

“Hey bub, it’s okay. We’re here now. I’m sorry it took my dumbass this long to have this conversation. You don’t know how much you meant to me even though I barely show it. Please know that at least. I love you. I love you so much, too much that I cannot imagine waking up the next day without you. You were the reason I can handle Atsumu’s ass, thinking about if I can go through that part of the day, I can see you again. A little reward from me to myself. I asked for a few days off, shall we do a bit of catching up session?”

A tint of coral pink brushes lightly on top of your cheeks. Seeing Sakusa being all vulnerable and open, is a view that you wish no one will ever see besides you. You smiled and chuckled lightly.

Sakusa's heart swells. There it is. The smile that got him smitten all over. The small chuckle that you made was a symphony to his ears. It was as if at this moment he fell in love again. He found the you that he fell for but even deeper. He swore that day he would never make you feel like this.

You both get out, drying yourself together. Omi blow-dried your hair and you did his. He's pretty good at managing your hair because of his curls. You both did a random 14-step Korean skincare routine and cuddling around watching your favorite movie - Pride and Prejudice. Sakusa never understood why you liked this movie so much but today he finally does. When two lovers placed down their masks and finally faced each other, all became visible. The adoration in one's eyes, longing for the warmth of the other, to finally be together.

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katierosefun · 3 years

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2021 fic review

tagged by @renegadeontherunn and @stolen-pen-name23!!! ily <3333

total number of completed works: 69 fics! (not counting the ones that are still marked incomplete)

total word count: according to ao3, i’ve written approximately 437,652 words this year...which is roughly 100k words more than last year...which i found a huge surprise, because? i thought i wrote less this year? but i suppose not--i guess if we counted all of my unposted works/original works, i probably wrote...much more than 440k words too--

looking back did you write more, less, or the expected amount of fic this year?: oh, def. more. according to ao3, i apparently wrote about 50-ish fics in 2020, and like...given that i’ve written almost 20 more fics than the year before is a little insane to me.

your own favorite story of this year?: oh, that’s a hard one. i tend to be very self-critical, but i think my favorite stories were last ones out and under the same sky.

did you take any writing risks this year?: i wrote for fandoms that are much, much smaller than star wars fandom--and that experience was so meaningful to me. if i’m going to be honest, there was a moment where i felt...very much so tired with my own writing/becoming insanely critical of everything i wrote. lots of questions about why aren’t i as good as i used to be? and all that dramatic stuff (alexa play nothing new by taylor swift)--and somehow, i wound up watching a show with a much smaller fandom, wrote a few fics going into the experience knowing that i was reaching a smaller audience, and somehow found my love for writing again in the process. ‘twas a very healing experience, and i’m very, very glad that late july-early august caroline took that jump. (and i do feel healed enough to very tentatively re-approach star wars fic, although now i have new characters in the back of my head to cheer me on.)

do you have any fanfic goals for the new year?: oh, totally. i want to make the push to getting the beyond evil fic archive to hit 1k fics by the end of 2022 (we almost hit 500 by the end of 2021, which is huge, considering it was roughly 200 fics when i first started writing)...and i also want to finish some of my star wars fics, and i also want to pursue many more ambitious projects that play around with the fic format a bit more. (i’m doing that a little bit with about love (and what’s after that) in that it’s very inspired by the kdrama formula, and it’s very fun.)

most popular story of the year? for the first time, which is honestly quite a surprise, because i wrote that in.. . .a very short amount of time and felt strange about posting it.

story most under-appreciated? hmm…probably moonlight sonata, which was a fantastic collab filled with so many talented people. but if we’re talking stories written solely by me, probably already stepped on this road, but i expected that much. either way though, i do still love that story!

most fun story to write?: probably what happened in the gundark cave, which was such…a bizarre story? but i weirdly enjoyed writing the dynamic between raised-as-a-sith anakin with his funny abandonment issues and obi-wan, who’s both exasperated and still a bit sad about what happened to that boy on tatooine. i do want to revisit that au, just because i have a whole story about them in my head still—

most unintentionally telling story: oh god. probably a good bad person (which i can’t ever re-read as a result), as well as chose the manyang garden over gwanghwamun square, because what started as a silly story about a rare pair turned into a character study that might have taken me a few days to recover from lol

biggest disappointment: i wish i completed my tcw multi chaps. i’ve been telling myself to be a bit kinder lately, because 2021 was full of so many surprises, both good and unfortunately…not so good, which made it much harder to revisit tcw wips. but here’s to better luck this year!

biggest surprise: how strangely pleasant it was to broaden my horizons writing for a different, smaller fandom? i’ve already mentioned this, but i do think i kinda fell back in love with writing because of it…and i think i strengthened my own writing too, which makes me so glad.

my favorite part of fandom this year: strengthening and maintaining friendships with my favorite people in the fandom, making new friends from different fandoms, and i suppose, in a weirdly cheesy way…recognizing that there are people in each fandom who are much more than just readers or fandom friends—but they’re also genuine companions and genuine people who truly, really want the best for you. i’ve had many ups and downs, and i have forever been touched by the gestures of kindness from people who i’ve only talked to through the screen.

i’ve also just…been incredibly touched by the amount of star wars people who cherish my enjoyment of beyond evil, rather than get annoyed with me because of it (which has happened on an occasion or two…i always felt a bit of guilt when seeing follower or user subscriptions go down because i’ve written more about beyond evil than star wars this year. for that reason, i spent a lot of time offline or just didn’t bother opening stats/follower numbers.) as such, i was so very scared that i’d be marked as a dead account, but each and every time i felt apologetic (which is silly! i know!), i’ve been met with genuine support and happiness. like. idk. mayhaps a touch dramatic, but it makes me feel so very warm and so very appreciative of all the people in fandom circles who have either quietly supported me from the sidelines or encouraged me to dig deeper or just enthused in my own moments of happiness. my heart is so, so warmed by the love and support. :’)))

so! that said, some tags: @skywalker-swift @pandora15 @vanilla-chip-101 @kckenobi @giggles-and-freckles

#tag game #thank you!!#i might be tagging people again oopsie sorry if i am!

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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years

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SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro.

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry.

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either.

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

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m4gp13 · 4 years

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For those of you who made it through my laughably incoherent ethabaster think piece, here’s some hc’s, you’ve earned them:

- Ethan has sole possession of their one shared brain cell. Alabaster is not allowed to even look at it. This is because they used to have two but Al broke the good one trying to blow up something (probably Percy).

- If Al finds out Ethan left without some form of magical protection i.e. a sigil, a crystal, ground eggshells, he will be pretty much vibrating with nerves until Ethan gets back so he can give him a once-over.

- Alabaster’s from a very witchy family who all worship Hecate for many reasons that differ depending on which estranged relative you ask and they all kinda saw Al as the first coming of witch Christ so he had a lot of expectations at a very young age.

- Ethan knows this and tries to lift as much Titan army business off his shoulders as possible.

- He accidentally lifts too much off to the point where he is drowning in work and is now the one in need of saving. But does he tell anyone that if he looks at one more stack of demands from his mile long list of bosses he’s going to cry for five hours? Of course not don’t be ridiculous.

- Alabaster immediately hated Percy as soon as he heard the guys name but due to the arena stuff and telling Thalia not to k*ll him Ethan actually held a bit of respect for Percy which annoyed Al to no end.

-This was until the not-so-peaceful peace talk in tlo when Percy starts shit talking Nemesis and Ethan just internally goes “actually the witch bitch was right this guy sucks ass”

-However, under no circumstances will Ethan ever tell this to Alabaster; not because he values his pride (he has none) but because he knows the life of a demigod is short and he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his very short one hearing Al rub that one thing in his face for every single second of it.

- And I mean Every. Single. Second.

- So yeah he takes that to the grave and doesn’t even tell anyone in the underworld in case they tell Al when he dies and he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his afterlife with Al being a dumbass. (also yes Ethan got into Elysium, fuck you)

- (Actually I have another idea about where Ethan went post-life but that’s so far from canon it’s more of an AU than a headcanon so we’re gonna leave that out for now)

- Al thought he was the one in charge of the Hecate kids because he was the most powerful and the highest ranking in the army but he was Not. That was Ethan. The Hecate kids thought Ethan was their unofficial adopted baby brother but little did they know he was the mum the whole time.

- Ethan is the only thing standing between them and starving to death. He also does the younger kids hair and gives everyone with long hair super intricate braids that stay out of their faces during “field work”. Al thinks this is more of him trying to take the weight off his shoulders but Ethan knows that if he doesn’t do this shit no one will so he kinda has to. Not that he doesn’t like doing it. being helpful is his love language.

- Because of their powers over the mist the Hecate kids of the army were notorious pranksters who were usually at war with the Hermes kids (wars usually declared by Al because he rolled a zero on self restraint) but none of them prank Ethan because “nooooo you can’t do him he babey 🥺”

- Ethan has simply decided that what the magic prank wizards don’t know can’t hurt them and just turns to his blind side whenever he sees them sneaking off the ship to get Micky D’s in the middle of the night to stay on their good sides.

- Speaking of the ship, Ethan thinks it’s the dumbest thing in the world that one of their most powerful demigod enemies is the son of a sea god and he actually has a pretty decent relationship with said sea god and their main base of operations aside from mt Othrys is a fucking BOAT. He tells Al all about his worries for the ship and while Al assures him that nothing that bad could happen he always makes sure that the ship always has the least amount of demigods on board at all times just in case.

- It takes all the strength Ethan has not to yell “TOLD YOU SO” at him when the ship blows up.

- Al probably either wears basic white boy clothes or typical witchy stuff (like moons and shit) depending his mood meanwhile Ethan found out about leather and just goes for it.

- Every grunge/punk/emo/eboy/teachwear bitch aspires to be him and because he aint about all that “gender roles” bs he definitely goes about wearing cool egirl stuff too. Not just slightly feminine shaped jumpers but all the plaid skirts, fishnets and lace trimmed dresses he can steal afford and Al, despite his more basic fashion taste is here for it. You’ve never seen someone more supportive of their pals fits, get you a hypeman like Al. You deserve it. (Ethan is also not afraid to walk around in a full pastel gamer girl fit)

- (Also Al hyping up one Ethans fits in front of a Titan is the reason they were allowed to start wearing army fatigues instead of the whole ancient Greek armour on occasion)

- Ethan appreciates Al’s enthusiasm but he also kinda doesn’t get it. And he definitely doesn't do that “yeah you’re right I DO look good” thing because he just doesn’t know how. He’d always been a little self-conscious about getting a big head but then he found out about Nemesis and hubris and all that fun stuff, looked at his meager pile of self worth and said “ yep, this has to go”

- Al almost starts crying when he finds out and pretty much makes it mission to be such a good hype man that Ethan has no choice but to think of himself as a Pretty Cool Dude via absorbing the hype through diffusion. It kinda starts working but then Ethan [REDACTED] in tlo so we’ll never know what could’ve been.

- To nick a hc from someone ( hi @chromarozee-spam) contrary to his taste in clothes Ethan does ballet (he was a punk AND did ballet, what more can I say?) and while Al tries to support his hobbies he is genuinely afraid both for and of him. “For” because “holy fuck that looks painful are you okay?”. And “of” because “are you sure those are bones inside you because I don’t think bones are supposed do that?!”.

- Ethan tries to assure him that no his spine is not made of rubber, broken bones or otherworldly materials so can he stop bothering him during practice please?

- This does not stop Al from making a million protection wards and constantly asking his deck if Ethan is indeed a Being of this Good Green Earth.

- Eventually his cards pretty much just tell him that he is friends with one bendy heck of a boi and he needs to fucking get over it so he kinda just,, ,,,,, , does.

- Again with the hc thieving (this time from @altorringtons) Al learning to use a two-handed broadsword so he can guard Ethan’s blind side and back in a fight *soft noises* just them trying so hard to keep each other alive because they love each other and they care about each other!

- They also sleep in the same bed whenever they get the chance (fully clothed ya nasties, they’re kids) and they just hug each other soooo tight because they just need to know they’re alright cos they always get pretty banged up in fights against campers or just monsters that are too much like wild animals to recruit. (What? Me? Projecting my desire to be intimately held by the closest person I have to family with their arms wrapped not tight enough to make me uncomfortable but tight enough to make me feel loved? Never! What on earth are you talking about?)

- Because Al is super stubborn and prideful whenever they have an argument Al can’t really bring himself to say he’s sorry so when he’s ready to apologise he just climbs into bed on Ethan’s blind side and cuddles him because he knows Ethan is super worried about getting attacked on his blind side so it’s like he has a guard or a shield.

- Ethan on the other hand just calls him a Rock Boy in a derogatory way until he gets over himself and apologizes but he really does love the fact that Al knows that about him and accommodates that.

- The thing they fight about most is how “heroic” the titan army is. Kronos’ brainwashing worked on Al like a charm and he fully believes that they are the rebellion and camp is the empire. Ethan on the other hand wasn’t at camp long enough for Kronos or Luke to really do anything but it doesn’t matter because Ethan really doesn’t give a shit if he’s on the “evil side” cos he just wants respect and he’s willing to do what it takes without a second thought of how people see him. If he thinks he’s doing the right thing but on the wrong side he can live with that but Al needs to feel like all of his side is on the moral high ground because that’s what Kronos drilled into his brain.

- Ethan knows that Al delusional when it comes to the non-existent heroics of the army but eventually he just decides to let Al believe the titans lies because that’s easier for him even if it hurts Ethan to see him being manipulated like that.

- Due to Ethan not giving a shit on the humanity of his bosses he gets punished a lot more often and a lot more violently than Al because they know that Ethan already knows they don’t care about him so they don’t have to sugar coat him but Al still believes that they’re heroes and his mindset needs to stay like that to keep him obedient.

- Also because I am a Cruel Person By Nature I hc Ethan’s mortal family (which usually just consists of his dad) as meeting a not very pg13 end at the hands of a monster who wanted to nible on Ethan a tad which pretty much scarred him for life.

- SO, at the end of the battle of Man Hats Are In when Al looks around and sees that his whole family (that joined the titans) are dead! oh no! How sad! At least he knows someone whose been through the same thing so they understand each other and can help each other through this tough time together right? SIKE!

- so yeah Al learns Ethan d-worded in the worst possible way at the worst possible time and just looses it from grief. Loosing his family was bad enough but finding out he lost the one person he thought he would be able to confide in and heal with immediately after just really rubs salt in the wound.

- When the survivors start re-grouping to find someplace to hide until the gods forget about them Al just wanders off because it’s all he can do to not break down on the spot.

- He’s just wandering in a daze for a while and most people just assume he’s high but he snaps out of it and gets into anger mode when Lamia starts attacking him because he finally has something to do and occupy himself with even though it’s hard not to think about his sibling especially when Lamia keeps talking like they never would have died if she’d been in charge which is why she should totally just kill him and lead their siblings instead.

- His desire to have something to keep his mind off his family and Ethan is the first thing he thinks about when Claymore re-alives and immediately starts talking about doing research (yeah because that’s what you need after a long stressful day of fighting monsters and literally dying).

- Ethan keeps trying to cross the veil and help, even if he just sends Al a pleasant dream to help him sleep but contrary to what you might think from the name, the veil is really hard to cross so Ethan just has to bite his nails and watch his friend suffer.

- It gets easier to watch after Al and Claymore pretty much adopt each other because at least he has someone but they do still get into pretty scary situations.

- When they were both premortem they got paired up for a lot of missions for the titan army and they usually just tried to pretend they were on a fun road trip around America when they could and make fun of mortal shit together.

- At one point they were in a motel and the last people accidentally left behind one of Claymore’s books about death and they found it the funniest thing ever. Between a pair of in which one of their mum’s regularly goes to the underworld and one has been there himself they find mortal ideas of the afterlife to be very amusing.

- Alabaster has decided he would not like to share this with the class (Claymore) thank you very much.

- Also when they’re doing their road tripping Ethan knows all the best places to crash, the cheapest food places and the local gangs don’t bother them because between running away from camp and joining the army he just wandered around a lot.

- Like he’d just hop on a random train, take a nap and figure it out when he wakes up; he made a lot of friends this way too as well as his taste in clothes cos he didn’t have a lot of money so he’d just DIY some second hand punk shit. Al thinks he’s the Gandalf of the demigod world because he just knows everyone who might help them and everywhere they could spend the night. He definitely tells his siblings about Ethan being the closest thing they have to a wandering wizard and they fucking love it.

- Also because Nemesis tends to not have a lot of kids Ethan was the only one of hers in the army and Al felt really bad for him because his sibling were his favourite part about the army so he tried to include Ethan in as much as possible with his siblings.

- As an unexpected result Ethan ended up with a small army of super powered children to sick on the people who keep making jabs about him loosing in the arena battle.

- Al sometimes thinks he’s given him too much power but also he will fuck a bitch up if they make fun of his pals so he sees where his siblings are coming from and yeah those bitches had it coming. He also has a copy of bitchcraft.

- Ethan’s dad was the type to play “Stay With Me” by Miki Matsubara on repeat for hours and Ethan would probably enjoy the song but he’s heard it so often that now it makes his ears bleed and Al sometimes tortures him with for fun until Ethan starts throwing shit.

- To steal another hc from @chromarozee-spam Ethan has a thing for cats and one time Al accidentally gave himself mistform cat-ears and Ethan could not stop touching them. Ethan was just craning his head back uncontrollably grinning so much his face hurt. Al can’t bring himself to be upset because Ethan rarely ever smiles since he joined the army.

- Al saw Ethan crying over one of those video’s where people put their hoodies on backwards and put their cat in the hood so he made a mist cat and bought him a hoodie. Ethan of course started crying again but it was happy tears instead.

- Ethan is fucking tiny while Al is almost a foot taller than him. He wouldn’t mind so much if Al didn’t exhaust every opportunity to rub it in his face so he just starts climbing all over shit (especially tall buildings) half to give Al heart attacks and half so he can be like “Sorry? What was that? I’m so high up I can’t hear you. Can you speak up a little? Maybe get a ladder? Or taller?”

- Also I don’t know why but I hc Al as Texan. Ethan gets told about this “Alabaster C. Torrington” guy who knows latin, incantations and other magical knowledge and expects some fancy British guy so when they meet and Al speaks Ethan gets whiplash so hard he fuckin chokes.

- Al is also very casual and Ethan is pretty professional so when he meets this magic general with a straight back and the first thing that comes out of this assholes mouth is some “Howdy y’all!!” bullshit he just dies on the spot.

- Also because Al is texan he is very sensitive to the cold (I’m about 80% sure that Texas is one of the Warm states) so when he has to do stuff in cold places like the labyrinth or new york (idk about that one to but in every film I’ve seen that’s set in NY it’s raining for about 90% of the time) he complains about being freezing all the time until Ethan helpfully reminds him that he can literally make fire out of nothing, surely he can find a way to warm himself up.

- Ethan is also sensitive to the cold because he’s basically malnourished but he’s been like that for a while and thinks it’s normal so he sucks it up until Al notices he’s always cold. Ethan tells him it’s fine but Al is basically a walking electric blanket so whenever Al cuddles him to keep him warm Ethan can’t help but melt because he’s so fucking warm and soft and have you noticed I crave intimacy?

- Ethan started studying Greek myths vigorously since he found out he was a demigod and when he died he kept an eye and an ear out for Al because even though he wouldn’t be able to do anything it still reassures him to know what’s going on, HOWEVER, he was almost filled with enough malice to rip through the barrier between the living and the dead purely to beat an ass when he hears Al’s little “I don’t bother reading about worthless monsters like you!” jab.

- Ethan is very jumpy and fidgety to the point where Al is genuinely concerned and while Ethan assures Al that nothing’s wrong Al is still suspicious. Ethan probably would have told Al about it if it was because of anything but Kronos but seeing that it mostly is, he doesn’t because Ethan feels like Al will just take Kronos’ word over his and he’ll loose the only person he trusts in the army.

- Al doesn’t find out about it until way after the war when Kronos’ brainwashing starts to come undone because by then his mindset is a lot less biased in the titans favour so he can see things that he just unconsciously ignored before and is able to put two and two together. When he does boy is it a trip.

- Ethan is really bad at talking about feelings and stuff so whenever Al gets upset over something and Ethan has no idea how to talk to him he’ll just get him some rocks. One time Ethan found out about those heart shaped valentine boxes that are normally filled with chocolates but people put crystals in them and that just became his go-to for when Al was especially upset.

- Al is only slightly better at talking about stuff but he can still get Ethan to open up to him which is good because Ethan isn’t very materialistic so it’s hard to make him feel better by buying him things and because someone needs to get Ethan to express himself in an emotionally healthy way.

- Also because of this they just can’t tell each other they love each other. Like they’ll barely whisper it when the other is asleep because they’re just so bad at talking about feelings. It wasn’t that much of an issue until after the war and Ethan gets k-worded and Al is left alone and sobbing over all the times he never told his loved ones how much they meant to him.

- But because this is a headcanon list; fuck that, Al saved Ethan with some sort of magic bullshit and they talk about how much they love each other all the time now because they can’t stand the thought of one of them dying having never been told how much they are loved.

#me going around nicking hcs: thank you for your sacrifices #this will help tremendously in the war effort #also max i am extremely pleased to tell you that auto correct thinks Harrington is a lovely name for you #and you stan the magic messiah #autocorrect didn't say that one #but it's true #pjo #percy jackson #ethan nakamura #alabaster torrington #alabaster c torrington #ethan x alabaster #ethabaster

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jalapeno-princess · 4 years

Text

Bad For You Chapter 2

Fuckboy Mark Tuan X Reader

Genre: Angst (tiny bits of fluff if you look hard enough) and a lot of swearing

Word Count: 8.8K

“Will you stop that?”

The loud clicking of Mark’s pen was getting on your nerves. You’ve been tutoring him for over a week now and you’d be lying if you said your study sessions were a breath of fresh air.

He followed your instructions from the day you agreed to tutoring him and surprisingly showed up to the library before you did. In the first two days of helping him complete assignments, he gave you such a hard time.

It first started off with snarky remarks about how you weren’t “living your best life” and that one day, you would look back on your college years; regretting spending most of your time with your face buried in books and wishing you got more involved in exciting events like the ones he normally would attend.

You learned how to develop a large amount of patience when working alongside the older boy; all his sarcastic comments and failed attempts to flirt with you—which you assumed was his way to get under your skin—seemingly constantly got on your nerves.

However, on the third day, his whole demeanor and the way he was treating you; as if you weren’t doing him the biggest favor in making sure that he passed all of his classes with flying colors, took a 360 degree turn. It’s as if his cockiness and narcissism disappeared in the snap of a finger; like he had an on and off switch because he knew that you would drop him as soon as you felt like he wasn’t taking your assistance seriously. You found it extremely shocking just how much of a fast learner he was.

Matter of a fact, it was as if he already knew most of the material—so you just assumed he lacked motivation. Mark was extremely intelligent and you had a hard time understanding why his grades lacked to show just how smart he really was. He claimed that he was afraid of failing, yet that decision was all up to him.

If only he put in as much effort in to his education as he did with his friends and the many parties they would throw, then maybe he wouldn’t be moments away from flunking his junior year of college. You tried your best to stay away from him; you made it very clear to Mark on the first day that you were only there to help him with his homework.

Before your first session started, you made sure to inform him that you had a list of rules that he needed to follow if he wanted to continue receiving your support with his studies. Nobody was to know about your meetups; the last thing you wanted was to be the talk of your university.

Being seen with Mark—whether or not people knew the reason why the two of you were spending time together—would definitely get you in to some kind of trouble and unlike most of your female classmates who would throw themselves at the big headed boy, you wanted no part in anything that included him.

He was also to focus solely on school. You didn’t want him talking about his personal life—nor did you want him bringing up his friends, his extracurricular activities or his past conquests in to any conversation. You were his tutor and you made it a fact to make sure he understood that’s all you were ever going to be to him.

The two of you could never be friends, nor did you see him wanting to be involved with you in any way—therefore, it worked out perfectly. So far, he did as you instructed him and thankfully, he wasn’t as much of a pain in the ass as you were expecting him to be. Maybe he was absolutely positive that if you didn’t agree to tutoring him, he stood no chance in graduating.

There were days where your mind was boggled; he showed tremendous growth in the way that he completed his assignments. Sure, the answers he would write down weren’t always correct, but at least he was trying.

You told yourself that you’d give him a week to decide whether or not he was actually serious about his education in order to continue with supporting him and surprisingly only one week in and he was working on each and every single paper or homework assigned to him. He even went back and completed missing assignments which caused you to sit back in disbelief. Who was this newly motivated person and what did he do with the snarky asshole Mark Tuan you’ve grown to loathe for quite some time now?

“Stop what?”

“Clicking your pen. You always do that. You’re distracting me. I’m trying to do my own work here.”

You didn’t have to look at him to know that he was now wearing a smirk on his stupidly handsome face. It was in the tone of his voice; cheeky and coy—there were only a few occasions where he would try and flirt with you or what you assumed was flirting, you didn’t think Mark would consider you to be someone he’d find all that attractive.

Although you barely knew anything about him, everyone and their mothers were aware that Mark Tuan had a specific type. Or well, at least all the girls he fooled around with looked similar in some way. He preferred girls on the shorter side with long, silky locks, a tiny waist and petite figure.

They were also extremely beautiful; you believed you were the complete opposite of what he considered desirable. Yet, he would throw in sexual innuendos like how he’d much rather do you than his homework. Then again, it was probably his way of trying to get a rise out of you and you were very vocal about how he was walking on thin ice the longer he continued to joke around with you.

None of that mattered though; you’ve made yourself immune to his many antics and if ever his words did have an effect on you, you’d remind yourself that it was only the cause of any kind of male attention since you weren’t used to talking to guys for longer than needed to.

“Oh, so you pay attention to my mannerisms? That’s sexy—“

You scoffed at his assumption. This was definitely going to be a long day. It’s only been fifteen minutes and you were so close to slamming your head against your textbook in aggravation.

“Shut up Tuan. It’s a pet peeve of mine and highly annoying, of course I caught on to it. How far are you in to your abstract?”

He sent you a smirk and you were quick to avoid his gaze; taking his computer as he handed it over to you. You began to skim through the paragraphs—after observing him in the last week, you weren’t all that shocked with the fact that he actually did a good job. This abstract was for his biology class; he had to come up with a project that had to do with saving the earth and Mark decided to do his on biodegradable plastic.

“I’m not going to lie, you did a pretty good job. But this is just the abstract, I expect a lot more effort when you start working on your actual research.”

He hummed in agreement before taking back his laptop and typed away at the keys. The two of you sat in silence, but for the first time it was peaceful. It wasn’t awkward at all and you were grateful for the lack of animosity and tension in the atmosphere. Not that there ever really was though; Mark was a great conversationalist—but you never wanted to listen to what he had to say.

“Hey y/n, I um—I’m throwing a party on Friday night and I was—I was wondering—um—well—would you maybe want to—you should come. It’ll be fun.”

This question stopped you in your tracks; not only was it out of the blue and completely unlike Mark to ask you something he already knew the answer to, but he sounded very nervous? Or was it hesitance? His now shy demeanor wasn’t something you were used to seeing.

In all your years of knowing him, you could honestly admit that this was the first time you’ve ever heard Mark stutter while inviting you to a party he was throwing. Although the two of you already discussed the fact that partying wasn’t your thing and that you would never even come within a few miles of whatever location it was that the celebration would be held at, you weren’t all too surprised at his sudden invitation.

Mark portrayed himself to be the kind of person who didn’t take no for an answer. Even if you said no to the college night life, it was evident that he was going to try and get you to change your mind for whatever reason; probably to say that he was the first person who actually succeeded in getting you to attend a college party. Anyone and everyone who knew of you personally understood that the type of people Mark involved himself with were not your crowd at all.

“That’s a joke right? You can’t be serious. I know you’re well aware that I don’t go to shit like that—“

“Why not y/n? I’m telling you, it’s going to be one hell of a time. You said so yourself, you’ve never attended any party nor have you ever gone out to a bar or a club, so you’d have no idea what it’s like. Friday is Jackson’s 23rd birthday and birthday celebrations are much more exciting than our normal events. There will be great music, good food, plenty of people—“

“Sex, weed, drugs, shitty alcohol, assholes who don’t know their limits and just assume a woman wants to sleep with them just because they’re wearing something revealing? Yeah, no thank you. Life isn’t just about fucking and getting high off of illegal substances, you know that right?”

The scowl on his face—the way his brows were furrowing as he bit the inside of his cheek made it evident that he did not like one word coming out from your mouth. Honestly, neither did you. You weren’t like this at all. Even if you didn’t like someone or didn’t agree with the way they went about with their life, you never gave your opinion because who were you to tell them what to do?

Who were you to judge their decisions and the choices they made? However, you wanted a way to get Mark in to opening his eyes to the toxic life he was currently living. You wanted him to know why he wasn’t doing too well in school; that his habits were destructive and that he needed to make decisions that would benefit his future—not his college self who only cared about temporary happiness and the high that came with being so high up on the social ladder.

“God y/n, who fucking hurt you? Why are you so harsh? Is that all you believe I care about? Sex? Money? Partying? It’s none of your business, but I care about so much more than what you assume I do. Not that it concerns you, but so what if I like to drink? So what if I like to smoke pot and have fun with my friends? I’m young, I have every right to have fun—“

“I didn’t say you couldn’t—“

“But you’re trying to make me feel bad for doing so. You think you’re such a great person just because you’re smart and you do well in school. News flash y/n, nobody likes a teacher’s pet. You guys think you’re better than everyone else just because you don’t get involved in the things that people like me do, but it doesn’t make you all the more greater than me. Maybe you’re not getting fucked, that’s why you have such a stick in your ass—“

Was this really happening right now? Sure, you were wrong for trying to paint him out to be the bad guy; especially because you had no idea what really went on in his life. Everything you were confronting him about was solely based on hearsay.

Why did it bother you so much? The decisions he made for himself—living the kind of life he was currently living, why was it any of your business? He’s right—how he went about his day didn’t concern you. What he did in his free time wasn’t had nothing to do with you. Was it because of what your professor said the other day about how he was capable of greatness, but he was choosing to go down a path of destruction?

Did you see something in him? Did you also believe that he could be more successful in his education if only he were to make it his number one priority? Of course you did? He proved to you multiple times this week that he wanted to do so much better and that he wasn’t incompetent or ignorant.

He was trying—that’s all that mattered. What was so hard with acknowledging his efforts? If he was willing to take the time out of his schedule—even if you were well aware that studying and working on assignments were more important that whatever he normally did—than shouldn’t you be a little more amiable? You said so yourself, you didn’t hate him.

So why were you treating him so harshly? It wasn’t fair to him—but you didn’t have a plausible answer and the last thing you’d ever do was show any ounce of concern for the older boy.

“That’s not true. You know nothing about me Mark—“

“You don’t know jack shit about me either y/n yet here you are—claiming I’m some fucking nymphomaniac who needs to constantly shoot up drugs to be happy. Fuck, my effort—my constant need of approval from you—staying up till three in the morning working on those stupid fucking essays—they mean nothing to you huh? I’m always going to be a loser in your eyes—“

You don’t know what it was, but now you really felt bad for the way you attacked him out of nowhere. All he did was ask you to go to his party; you could have just said no. But now the truth was coming out and you felt like such a terrible person.

“That’s not true Mark—“

“Bullshit y/n. I could become valedictorian and I’d still be a delinquent—a no good prick in your eyes.”

Something in your body wanted to reach out to him, for reasons you didn’t think you’d ever be able to understand. Maybe it’s because you wrongfully accused him of being the person you assumed he was—only to find out he was far from what people painted him out to be. But you silenced the voice as soon as it appeared; if he were to find out that you were now filled with remorse, he would hold it against you. You’ve never seen Mark so upset before and you were so irritated with yourself for being the reason behind his anger. He was as much human as he was the cocky fuckboy he had a reputation of being.

“Mark I—“

“You know what? I think it would be best for us to end it here today. I just remembered I have somewhere to be and no—before you assume, I’m not going to go get high and fuck the first person I lay my eyes on.”

He didn’t even give you a second to respond to his spiteful words; he yanked at his backpack and threw it over his shoulder before storming away from the table. God, what was wrong with you? What did you just do? Not once in your life would you ever have thought that you’d be put in a situation where you’d feel apologetic for something you caused.

This was all your fault. You couldn’t blame Mark for this one—as much as you wanted to say he instigated this entire argument by asking you a question he should have already known the answer to, maybe he felt like the two of you were civil enough where he could ask you something like that. You couldn’t blame him if he no longer wanted to continue your tutoring sessions.

Hell, if you were in his shoes and he were to lash out on you and say all these degrading things about you, you probably would have slapped him in the face. Why didn’t you wait a few seconds to actually think before you said all of those negative things to him? He may have acted as though nothing bothered him; you were sure he’s heard the crude names some people would call him and he had to hear at least one rumor that was spreading around your campus.

You couldn’t even count how many rumors you’ve heard about Mark on both of your hands. If only you were able to turn back time, you wouldn’t have confessed all that you did—even if you meant it in the moment. The look of fury on his face; yet the sorrow in his eyes made you feel like a monster. You ended up leaving the library not too long after he did, you couldn’t handle staying there knowing that you probably ruined the rest of his entire week.

Right as you made it to your apartment, Mark stayed on your mind for the rest of the night. The thought of him haunted you as if your conscience wanted you to be reminded of your chastising. You couldn’t find it in yourself to fall asleep; you began to toss and turn trying your best to do whatever it was to grow tired—but nothing.

All you could think about were ways to apologize. What could you say or do that would show him just how regretful you were and how you wished you could take back everything you said? You tried to tell yourself to get over it. For all you knew, he probably did.

Your opinion shouldn’t have mattered to him; he had to be over it or at least you were hoping he moved passed the entire situation. You weren’t surprised when he didn’t show up in the library at your normal meeting time the next day. He didn’t end up coming on Thursday either.

A huge part of you wanted to reach out to him; to text him or even call him, asking him if he wanted to end your sessions completely but you were too much of a coward. You also wanted to give him his space. It was still too early for you to try and apologize to him. He’d probably laugh in your face or worse, make a fool out of you in front of his friends. When Friday came around, you came to the conclusion that he wasn’t going to meet up with you for the rest of this week.

The fight was such a distraction; you couldn’t concentrate at all in any of your classes or at work. One of these days, you just had to suck it up and find him—confess your mistake even if he refused to listen. He needed to know that you were wholeheartedly rueful.

“Hey Mark, we ran out of vodka dude! Yugyeom said he’ll drive if you go in to the store.”

An exasperated sigh fell from his lips. In the beginning of the week and even when Mark was first planning this party a couple of weeks ago, he was extremely excited.

Jackson was his best friend; sure, he was close with every single member of their friend group, but he’s known Jackson the longest and they just had a closer bond than the others did. However, he wanted nothing more than to pass on the party planning and all the responsibilities that came with it to somebody else.

Your words—he didn’t understand why he was letting it bother him so much. If it were anyone else, he would have brushed their words off like nothing. He didn’t care what anyone had to think about him. Mark wasn’t stupid; he saw the way people would look at him in the hall. Girls would either gawk at him or glare at him.

Guys would either roll their eyes at him or want to talk with him. But for some reason, he found himself wanting to impress you. Little did you know, Mark has noticed you from the time you guys were in middle school. He thought you were cute and he inspired to be even half of the amazing student you were. Seeing as though he never cared too much about education the way he did with sports, he believed that you wouldn’t find him all that interesting nor was there anything the two of you had in common.

Since you both came from two different worlds—you never really interacted with each other in high school and when you moved on to college, your university was huge; there was no way the two of you would bump in to each other. However, when he saw you on the first day of class, Mark knew this was his chance to simply talk with you.

He had been well aware that you must have known all about him and he could only hope that you didn’t see him in a negative light. He didn’t know how to approach you and he’s energetic talked to a girl in any other way that flirtatiously. That’s why he pestered you so much; it was the only way he thought he could get your attention.

Hearing how you truly felt about him though really made his head spin. The way you treated him in class whenever he’d ask for a pencil or some paper—those encounters alone made it evident that you had ill feelings for him, but he didn’t think they were all that bad. After you practically sprinted away from the lecture hall after your professor, Mark felt as though he already knew your answer. You hated him; you had to.

There was no other explanation to the way you would look at him like he was the scum under your feet and between your toes. He wanted to prove you wrong; he wanted to change the way you saw him, what you thought about him. The older boy had a hard time processing the idea of worrying about how you saw him. He couldn’t give less of a shit if people didn’t like him or assumed that he was a womanizer who spent most of his college career drinking beers and smoking blunts.

However, hearing your venom filled words really stuck a nerve with him and for some reason, he wanted to do whatever he could in his power to change your outlook on him. Mark knew exactly why he was so bothered with the fact that you thought so negatively of him. He’s always believed that you were one of the most beautiful girls he’s ever laid his eyes on.

From the sixth grade all the way to junior year in high school; Mark admired you from afar. Sometimes, he’d debate on joining one of the clubs you were in just to be near you in the hopes of developing a friendship with you, but his friends would’ve had a field day.

If anyone were to see him in the library with a bunch of nerds for book club just to get your attention, he would never hear the end of it. He might have known that you didn’t necessarily care for him, but you did tell him you didn’t hate him.

Your confession the other day said otherwise; each and every single word that fell from your mouth was like a punch in the gut. In fact; Mark’s been in enough altercations to know that he was more hurt mentally by what you had to say than he ever was while having fists thrown at him. He wanted to be mad at you, but he just couldn’t.

Sure, the way you went about confessing what you thought about him was extremely rude, but most of what you said was true. He couldn’t blame you for thinking so brashly towards him, but he thought with the amount of effort he was putting in not only in to his studies, but in to your meet ups that you would see him as more than just a fuckboy.

You obviously had better things to do, but he was still so grateful that you agreed to tutoring him. With the way you would barely speak a word while you were together, Mark could tell that you weren’t all that fond of his presence, but he didn’t want to give up in trying to at least be someone you’d want to be friends with.

Anger couldn’t even describe half of what Mark was thinking once he left you there in the library. He was more disappointed in himself than he was in you, particularly because he made that reputation for himself. There were so many instances where he could have changed his playboy ways, but he never did and now he was paying for it.

This had to be his karma for all the times he broke the hearts of poor, innocent girls who developed feelings for him. The only girl he ever cared about and wanted to become closer with on a more personal level was the same girl who hated his entire existence.

“Hey man, is everything okay? You’ve been out of it the last two days. Did something happen?”

Mark shrugged indifferently; he trusted his younger friend with his entire life. Yugyeom was like a younger brother to him. Mark and his younger brother Joey never really got along. Hell, they hardly ever talked to each other unless their parents forced them to and it was because Mark was adamantly jealous of Joey’s drive and workmanship while Joey considered Mark to be a bum; he had no future at the rate he was going.

Since he was the oldest out of the seven of them, they were all like younger brothers to him but since Yugyeom was the youngest, Mark was the most protective over him. Yugyeom had to be the least air-headed and narcissistic. Although, he did enjoy the fact that girls would grovel at his feet and literally throw themselves at him, he didn’t lead any of them on the way his older friends did. He was also very polite to everyone he did encounter and he could never show any ounce of malice.

“It’s nothing—don’t worry about me, let’s just get this over with.”

It wasn’t unusual for their car rides to be filled with silence. Sometimes it was just nice to listen to the radio and not have to be bothered by unnecessary conversation. Talking wasn’t something Mark was a fan of and neither was Yugyeom; in fact, that was one of the reasons why he enjoyed driving around with the younger boy so much.

Nothing was expected out of Mark like it was if he were to go out with Jinyoung orBamBam. Thankfully, the grocery store was less than five minutes away from Jackson’s house and before he knew it, they were pulling up right in front of it.

“Hey Mark, do you think you could get me some condoms while you’re in there? I ran out yesterday.”

If it were anyone else, he would have told them to fuck off and to go in and get them themselves. But since it was Yugyeom and he could never say no to him, he just took his money without hesitation. He didn’t have a problem with having to buy condoms. It was better to be safe than to be sorry. Mark didn’t think it was wrong to want to be protected during sex.

Everyone had sex these days, so it wasn’t out of the ordinary for a man his age to purchase condoms. He didn’t want to seem self indulged, but one look at Mark and you knew he got his dick sucked on a weekly basis. Since he was only buying a couple of things, mainly from the alcohol aisle, he didn’t waste time looking around for things he wouldn’t need.

The alcohol aisle was in the front of the store; he didn’t frequent this supermarket all that often but he’s been here enough times to know where most of his necessities were located. Right after picking up three different bottles of vodka, he briskly made his way over to the condoms; picking up the Trojan ecstasy that Yugyeom repeatedly told him to purchase and then he went on the search for a bottle opener.

He assumed it was somewhere near the alcohol, so he began to make his way back to the aisle—until he got a text from Yugyeom saying Jinyoung asked for some candles and a lighter. Those two items he had no idea where to find them, so he made his way over to an associate. If he wasn’t in a rush, he would’ve looked for the items himself—he hated having to talk to people if he didn’t have to. Mark was very good at finding whatever it was that he needed without assistance, but he didn’t want to waste any time.

The sooner they returned back to the party, the faster he could go back to his place. Once he saw someone stocking up canned foods in one of the aisles near the freezer, he approached her impatiently; not wanting to get a text from Yugyeom telling him to hurry up.

“Excuse me, could you tell me where I could find candles—y/n?”

Mark didn’t think his mood could get any worse; he had every intention on getting drunk off his ass tonight but it wasn’t going to be until he returned back to his loft. If he were to drink at the party, he was 100% sure from past experiences that he would either end up having to help Jackson with the cleaning or he would be in bed with someone by the end of the night and he had no intentions on doing anything but going straight to sleep once it was all over—or until Jackson was drunk enough not to notice his disappearance.

Seeing you for the first time that night—and in a grocery store of all places brought him through so many different emotions. He didn’t think he was ready to face you just yet, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss you. Wait—what? There was no way he missed you—no. He couldn’t have.

You made him feel so pathetic—so miserable—so small and the two of you weren’t even friends. He knew deep in his gut that you despised him; you showed no interest in any attempt of his trying to get to know you. For the first time in his entire life, you made him feel insecure. Like—he wasn’t worthy of having you as a friend or even just as a tutor.

But you never left his mind once since that God awful day. At first, he believed it was because your words had such a huge effect on him. He believed every single thing you had to say. Most of it was true, sure—but the way you indirectly hinted towards him being a nobody if he kept his act up—that wrecked him.

Mark meant what he said when he admitted to working harder in school in order to impress you. He didn’t want you to think you were wasting your time tutoring him only for him to learn nothing and not get around to completing assignments. He wanted you to know that your sacrifice meant a lot to him and that he was planning on cleaning his act up so you wouldn’t regret your decision; even if you did get something out of it.

His chest soon grew heavy and he felt like his throat was swollen; as if no words would come out if he actually tried to speak. The night he went home, he contemplated ending the entire thing only because he assumed you no longer wanted anything to do with him and because he didn’t think he could face you. Not after everything that escalated. However, he knew that nobody would be able to help him with his work the way that you did. He wouldn’t be able to learn from anyone else anyway—but he stayed away for the last two days because he wanted to calm down.

There was no way in hell he could pretend nothing happened and he was afraid of saying something that he didn’t mean just to spite you. Mark wasn’t sure just how long he was going to go without meeting with you, but he wasn’t going to take too long or he was sure you would think he no longer needed the tutoring which was far from the truth.

Something about seeing you—not only for the first time after going two days without meeting up with you but at your workplace made his stomach sore. He didn’t know why it bothered him seeing you in your uniform; watching you stack cans up on the shelves. Something about it made him feel somewhat—sad.

Maybe it’s because he knows just how much of a hardworking student you were and an even more successful person in general and he would never had expected you to work somewhere so—well—lackluster and dull. People like you—headstrong and determined should be working as supervisors in prestigious companies or at least a receptionist at a hospital or something. Anything better than an old supermarket.

“Hi.”

“You—you work here?”

He scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment; not knowing how to act in front of you and he was fearful of saying something stupid.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

He mentally slapped himself—what did it matter where you worked? It wasn’t any of his business. Your business was none of his to worry about just as much as his was none of your concern. But you deserved so much better—in more ways than one.

“What do you mean why? It’s a job? I need money?”

“Well I mean yeah—but you could do so much better than this shit show.”

You had to stifle back a laugh and seeing your eyes crinkle at his comment did wonders to his heart. This was the first time he’s ever seen your emotions; other than having a constant glare or frown on your face and he really enjoyed it. Happiness suited you. He liked seeing you smile and now, he grew to desire being the reason behind it.

“The pay is pretty good, and it’s only five minutes away from where I live so it’s convenient.”

“Oh—well, I mean when you put it that way—I just—I—never mind.”

The two of you averted your gazes to the ground; he couldn’t look at you because he was now worried that you caught on to the fact that he cared about you. At this point, Mark wasn’t concerned whether or not you knew that he wanted to protect you or that he was afraid for your safety. He’d just make up a lie about not having someone to tutor him if something bad were to happen to you if you happened to ask him why your job bothered him.

“What was it that you were looking for?”

“Ah—um, candles and a lighter. We got Jackson this big cake and he just let Jinyoung know that his parents don’t have any candles at their house—sorry—too much information.”

You shook your head in disagreement before leading him to the aisle in which he assumed he could find things for parties. He knew in that moment that you no longer were irritated with him; you could have just told him where the items were located but you actually brought him there. That had to be a good thing right?

“Here we go. There’s pocket ones and the longer one. We have matches if you don’t want to worry about it dying out. And the candles are right next to the paper plates.” He thanked you politely and began to make his way toward the candles. However, your soft voice calling out to him stopped Mark in his tracks.

“I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t have said anything that I did. It’s not my place to make such stupid assumptions about you and I should’ve told you this sooner—“

“Hey, don’t worry about it okay? You weren’t wrong. Well, for the most part everything you mentioned was true. Sure, I could’ve gone without hearing all of that but it’s done. I’m over it. And if you’re okay with it, I’d still like to receive tutoring from you.” The look of surprise on your face tugged on his heartstrings; how could someone be so cute yet make him so hard? You were otherworldly.

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? I’m the one that fucked everything up. I should be on my knees, begging you for forgiveness—“

“If you want to make it up to me, you’ll be on your knees begging for something else—ow! Who knew you had such an arm on you y/n.” He playfully rubbed the part of his shoulder that you punched him at but it didn’t stop him from picking up on your now quiet demeanor.

“It seems as though you already have someone else who will do that for you, so—“

He looked down at the box of condoms and internally screamed. Fucking Kim Yugyeom—always asking for the wrong things at the wrong time. Although Mark knew exactly why he was frustrated being caught by you holding a box of condoms, you already presumed that he lived a very sexually active lifestyle. It was one thing to think that he was hooking up with more than half of the student body, but it was a completely other thing seeing proof for yourself.

“These? Oh, um. These actually aren’t for me. Yugyeom is waiting for me in the car and he asked me to buy him some—“

You gave him a small smile, one he wouldn’t even have noticed if he wasn’t heavily observing your facial reactions. He wanted nothing more than to know what you were thinking. If he was being honest with himself, you probably couldn’t give less of a shit if he was in fact buying them for his use.

What did it matter to you? The longer the two of you stood there in the awkward, the more he began to come up with excuses as to why he didn’t want you thinking he was going to hook up with someone tonight. Nobody knew this and if any of his friends were to find out—he was screwed.

Mark hasn’t slept with anyone since the two of you began your study sessions for reasons still unbeknownst to him but only then; looking at you and your big—doe like eyes, wanting to take you away from that wretched place you called your working environment, trying his best to hide the smile that was peering up at him just standing there in your presence, wanting to ditch the party in order to listen to you talk about the civil war and the different types of matter there was—it was in that moment that he finally accept his feelings for what they were.

He was falling in love with you.

Love.

The older boy has never experienced that emotion before. Ever. He’s never met anyone who made him crave attention, comfort, infatuation, friendship—love. Nobody made him feel the way you currently were. Nobody had ever taken up so much space in his mind and consumed his thoughts entirely the way you had in less than the four months he’s gotten to interact with you for.

You made him mad—furious even with the idea that you judged him without even getting to know him, the real him. Yet you also made him smile like an idiot at how much effort you’d put in to your lesson plans and how you would nonchalantly ask him if he ate or how school went.

No one, not even his friends would check up on how he was doing and for some reason, no matter how much you’d try to come off as though you thought nothing of him, Mark was sure there was some part of you that cared about him and that was enough to solidify what he harbored for you.

The feelings he developed for you back in middle and high school; they came back full force in less than a month and splashed on him like freezing cold water—searing through his skin and sending electricity through his bones. Obviously, it wasn’t something he was used to. Hell, it scared him; knowing he was falling for someone he didn’t know would reciprocate his same feelings—he’s never had to deal with that kind of uncertainty before.

“You don’t have to explain it to me Mark, we’re not friends. It’s none of my concern, remember?”

“No, but I want it to be. I want to be friends with you y/n. You know, you’re really smart, but you’re not that bright—“

“Do you want me to hit you again?”

Mark couldn’t help but let out another giggle. God, what were you doing to him? He’s never let anyone have so much control and power over him before and he was starting to really enjoy the effect you were having on him. He could only hope that one day, you would change your outlook on him completely. He was well aware that the possibility of you ever liking him back was slim, but it wasn’t impossible. “No, but like I said, I’d be honored if you allowed me to be

your friend.” You scrunched your face as though you were disgusted by his choice of words, but he knew you were just messing around with him.

“You sound so proper putting it like that. But sure, that sounds like a good idea. We have three more months to work together, so I guess it would be best for us not to desire ripping the other’s head off.”

“I never wanted to rip your head off. I actually think your head is pretty great—oh, um, hold on for just a second.”

The vibrating in his pocket brought him straight back to reality. He would continue talking to you for hours if he had the choice, but Yugyeom was probably wondering what could be taking Mark so long.

“I couldn’t find the candles and the lighter—the party isn’t going to end this early dumb ass would you wait—what? Fine, I’ll be right out.” He released a frustrated sigh before giving you a grim look.

“I better get going. What um—what time are you done? I don’t want you to go home too late, it’s dangerous out there. I could come back and pick you up—“

“It’s fine Mark. I’m done in half an hour and I drove here, but thank you for the offer. Yeah, me too. I’m sure my manager is wondering why I have yet to go to the stockroom. We still have a lot of shipment from earlier. Enjoy the party—oh, and by the way, I need you to know that you’re a remarkable person Mark. I know you’re trying your best and I’m sorry I didn’t praise you earlier on your growth, but I’m really proud of you. Have a nice evening.”

Mark was sure that if he were to look in a mirror, his cheeks would be red—they sure felt like it. You made him feel like a school boy, blushing from being around his crush. He was now happier than he’s ever been in a really long time and it was just by your compliment alone. He couldn’t wait to see how your friendship was going to develop; he couldn’t wait to be able to be more free around you and not have to worry about you getting mad at his flirty little remarks. Once he finished paying and returned back to the car, he wasted no time punching Yugyeom in the shoulder.

“Ow, what the fuck was that for?”

“Next time, buy your own shit. People gave me weird looks for buying your fucking rubbers for you.” The younger boy rolled his eyes as he began to drive away.

“Who gives a shit what people think? I’m a twenty-two year old man in college, it’s only natural for me to have sex right now. And hey, at least I’m being safe right?”

Mark scoffed. Out of their entire group of friends, Mark and Yugyeom were the ones who had the most action; or at least that’s what he thought from what they would always tell each other. Youngjae and BamBam weren’t as needy for intercourse and Jinyoung had been booking up with the same girl for the last two months—but Mark was the only one who knew that. Safe was the last thing Yugyeom could ever be; honestly, Mark wouldn’t have been surprised if he were to find out that Yugyeom had a baby somewhere out there but it wasn’t his place to say anything.

“There’s more behind your anger than what you’re putting out there—so spill.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You buy condoms once a week, don’t give me that shit. You saw someone there that you knew didn’t you?”

Mark didn’t know what to say. Sure, he trusted that Yugyeom wouldn’t judge him if he were to find out that he had a crush on you—well, more than just a little crush but no one needed to know exactly how he felt about you. But Yugyeom was as much a guy as he was Mark’s friend. He would mess around with him and probably wouldn’t understand the older boy’s feelings.

“Just somebody from my English class. She works there and I had to ask her for assistance with the candles—“

“Wait, are you talking about y/n?” The older boy looked at him in disbelief? How did he know who Mark was talking about without even having him say your name? How did he know who you were?

“You know y/n?”

“Yeah, she’s in my religion class. She’s the only person I know who works at that dump. She’s also the only hot one there too. I’ve been trying to indirectly ask her out for weeks but she doesn’t get the hint—“

“Or she doesn’t like you like that.”

Yugyeom let out a snicker and turned to Mark as he pulled up to a red light. “We all know any girl would get weak at the knees just being able to talk to me. She’s just playing hard to get, that’s all. But since you said that, I can’t help but wonder—you like her don’t you? Wait, is y/n the reason why you’ve been such a grumpy old man lately?”

Normally Yugyeom wasn’t one to get involved in Mark’s private life; none of them would stick their noses in places where they shouldn’t be. But then again, Yugyeom was always kind of nosy and he had a tendency to constantly pry at his older friends if there was information that he wanted to know. It only took them five minutes to get to the store, why did it seem like it was taking them forever to get back to Jackson’s place?

“No. I barely know her—“

“Eyyyyy, Mark, I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid. If you didn’t like her, you wouldn’t care that she saw you getting these. You don’t have to lie to me. I don’t blame you, she’s pretty much a complete package. Beauty, body, brains—I bet she’s great at giving head as she is using it. Don’t worry, I won’t say anything—but what about we make this interesting.”

Mark could feel his blood boil hearing Yugyeom say those things about you. It wasn’t as if he didn’t describe other girls the way Yugyeom was with you, but he hated hearing anyone talk dirty about you or degrade you like the way Yugyeom just did. He knew the younger boy was just messing around with him, but he was afraid that things were going to take a turn for the worst if Yugyeom were to continue.

“What are you referring to Yugyeom?” The younger boy raised his brow before biting the inside of his cheek.

“I bet you—“

“Fuck that, no bets. I’m not doing that shit, especially not one involving y/n—“

“Come on man, don’t be such a pussy. It’ll be fun. What? Scared you won’t be able to do it?”

No. I’m scared it’s going to ruin everything between y/n and I if things go to shit in the end.

“No. Of course not you dick. I’m the king of bets. You know that. Fine, whatever. Lay it on me asshole.”

Yugyeom found his previous parking spot and waited until he turned the car off before he faced Mark and began to think about his next move. Damnit, why did he agree so easily? He should have tried harder in rejecting his friend’s suggestion. Bets were never good. Especially involving girls.

They had these stupid bets all the time and from experience, Mark had a feeling what Yugyeom was going to have him do had to deal with sex. Mark didn’t even think about you and him in that way—well, of course he did. There were few occasions where you’d talk back to him and he wanted to see what else your mouth could do—but sex was the last thing he wanted to do with you.

As of right now, he wanted to be close to you. He wanted to learn each and every little thing about you. He wanted to make you laugh, he wanted to hold you, to kiss you and to be the reason why you woke up happy every single morning. He wanted to flaunt you off to the entire school and to take you home to meet his family. He wanted to be yours. But people like Mark and people like you would never work together—even if that’s all he really wanted, life was never that easy and by the sly look on Yugyeom’s face, he had a feeling that the bet was going to be difficult.

“You have one month to bring y/n to one of these parties and she has to kiss you in front of all of us. You can’t kiss her and you can’t ask her to kiss you—she has to do it on her own.”

Mark scoffed, that was going to be a piece of cake—but wait, this was you he was talking about. It took him three months to even get you to talk to him, there was no way you were going to kiss him willingly and at a party of theirs. Yugyeom probably knew it wasn’t going to work and that’s why he proposed that idea.

“What if I win?”

“You get a hot chick wrapped around your finger. What more could you want?”

“Dude I’m going to call this bet off before it even starts—“

“Fine, I’ll give you $100.”

“Okay, and if I lose?”

“Then I’ll fuck her myself and send you the video.” His jaw clenched and he could feel himself ready to leap over the console in order to slap Yugyeom’s cocky smile off his face. The thought of anyone, let alone one of his closest friends fooling around with you sent a bad feeling to his chest and he was going to do whatever he could to make sure that never happened.

“Dude, she’s not going to sleep with you, find something else.”

“Woah, someone’s confident that he knows all about our pretty little grocery clerk—fine. If I win, I get to borrow your motorcycle for a week.”

There were so many red flags going off in his head—this wasn’t going to turn out very well. But it wasn’t all that bad of a bet and unfortunately, Mark’s ego was the size of California. If he were to say no, he’d look like such a punk and he knew Yugyeom would tell their friends—so it didn’t come as a shock when he found himself shaking Yugyeom’s hand.

“You’ve got yourself a deal.”

#got7 imagines #mark tuan #got7 #mark tuan imagines #got7 mark

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myaekingheart · 3 years

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20 [Fanfic Writer] Questions Game

Thank you so much for tagging me, @lemony-snickers! This is tons of fun, I love answering these kinds of big questionnaires 😂💕 Also putting mine under a cut because there’s a lot of questions and I like to ramble.

Also gonna go ahead and just tag whoever wants to do this! 😅💕

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

As of August 27, 2021, I have a total of 77 works on my AO3!

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

Funny enough, I was just looking at this, specifically, earlier today and kind of laughing about it. Right now, my total word count across all my works is 1,148,941 😬

3. How many fandoms have you written for, and what are they?

Apparently 12, but some of them I don’t really consider “big” in my fandom repertoire. Naruto is my greatest fandom with a total of 60 fics so far, followed by The Chronicles of Narnia and Rise of the Guardians. The rest are ones I either did crossover fics with or just did one-off little pieces with--The Incredibles, Tangled, Brave, How to Train Your Dragon, Arthurian Mythology, Disney Princesses, Fairy Tales and Related Fandoms, Back to the Future, and Frozen.

4. What are your Top Five fics by kudos?

The Scarecrow and The Bell (Naruto) - 470 kudos The Day Kakashi’s Mask Slipped (Naruto) - 139 kudos Sunflowers (Naruto) - 92 kudos Sakumo the House Husband (Naruto) - 81 kudos Someone to Lean On (Naruto) - 67 kudos

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I always try to respond to comments, because I like to acknowledge when people respond to my work. I cherish comments like nobody’s business, especially when they’re kind and reactionary. I just really love seeing/hearing what people think of the way a story is progressing, or what they thought of a one-shot. Comments keep me going especially when it comes to longfic so I want to be able to let readers know that I do in fact see their comments, that I’m acknowledging what they’re saying, and that I appreciate them. Plus, it can be kind of fun to tease upcoming events in a fic through responses to people’s comments, too. Because I’m mean.

6. What fic have you written with the angstiest ending?

Definitely Hothouse (Rise of the Guardians/The Incredibles; Jack Frost x Violet Parr; American Horror Story AU). This was the first multi-chaptered fic I ever wrote to completion and I honestly cringe when I remember it exists both because it’s so poorly organized (and full of nasty plot holes) and because I just went ham on the gore factor. It definitely has a really bittersweet and heartbreaking ending to it, too.

7. What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I think I’ll definitely have to say Temptation. The story itself was kind of a ride, and it’s only the first installment in a series, but it follows the plot of The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe but remixed due to the presence of an original character, but the ending is still roughly the same as the original: they defeat the evil, the Pevensies are all crowned kings and queens, happy days. Reading the last few paragraphs of the last chapter honestly still gets me all up in my feelings.

8. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I used to be more of a crossover writer due to one of my main ships being a crossover ship. They weren’t super crazy, though, because they were both CGI-animated films. The craziest crossover I’ve ever written is an in-progress/unfinished multichapter piece, Kakashi, Enchanted, that sees our favorite Copy Ninja get kamui’d into the Disney princess dimension and has to help the likes of Snow White, Cinderella, and Rapunzel on his journey to find a way back to his own world. It’s a super weird premise but definitely one of my more lighthearted works and fun to revisit when I need to decompress.

9. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t think I’ve ever received hate so much as I’ve received criticism. The closest I ever got to hate on a fic, I think, was someone left an overly personal and mentally disturbed comment on a chapter of my main fic that made me convinced they needed to seek therapy and deal with their own personal issues rather than take it out on a fanfic about animated ninjas.

10. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Maybe 👀 I’m super vanilla when it comes to smut, though. I think the wildest thing I’ve ever written in smut is breeding kink.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, and I hope I never will.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Not yet! I had someone ask to translate a one-shot of mine in Russian but I never got a response back when I laid out my terms and conditions.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I have not! I used to do paragraph-style roleplay which was kind of like cowriting fanfiction but writing is so personal and sacred to me that I don’t know if I could ever actually cowrite a fic with someone. I like brainstorming with other people, but writing for me is more of a deeply personal and independent endeavour.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Oh god, this is a tricky question because it depends on fandom. I absolutely love New Dream (Rapunzel x Eugene, Tangled) and have for the past ten years, and my love for them as only grown since watching Tangled: The Series/Rapunzel’s Tangled Adventure. I don’t write or even really read a ton of fanfiction for them, though. I’m also still highly dedicated to my favorite crossover crackship, Frostfield (Jack Frost x Violet Parr, Rise of the Guardians/The Incredibles) and to this day, if you search for that ship on AO3, I am the sole provider of every single fic about them so far. I’m not as active with them as I used to be, but they got me through some really rough times back in the day and still mean so much to me. A lot of my favorite ships across fandoms, though, are honestly canon x OC ships of mine because I am a self-indulgent bitch who needs to project. So Peter Pevensie x Eilonwy (The Chronicles of Narnia) and Kakashi Hatake x Rei Natsuki (Naruto) are really important to me and I’ve poured so much of myself specifically into their stories. I think it’s safe to say Kakashi and Rei is my all-time favorite ship across all fandoms, though, just because of how much their story means to me. The Scarecrow and The Bell is my magnum opus, my pride and joy, and I’m sure it will be my biggest fandom footprint of my entire life. I’ve dedicated the past three years to this story and these characters and I intend to continue doing it until it no longer brings me joy (which I hope it always will). There’s just so much I could say about this story and Kakashi and Rei’s relationship but I don’t think we have enough time or space in this post for that 😅 Just know that they mean the world to me and I will always hold them in the highest regard as a beautifully messy, flawed, passionate, soulmate-y ship that I love with all of my heart 🥺

EDIT: I also feel obligated to tack on some of my absolute favorite Naruto ships because I may not have written for all of them (yet) but they still make me unbelievably happy or I find them really compelling and enjoy the idea of exploring them:

Naruhina is precious happy sunshine and The Last honestly felt like a wonderful Disney princess movie to me, it was so cute and the romance was so on-point, Naruhina just makes me so incredibly happy and I love them with all my heart.

MinaKushi also gets me all up in my feels and I adore them with every fiber of my being. Their romance also gave me Disney princess movie vibes which I love, their story is just so damn sweet as is their character dynamic and I am still so heartbroken that they never got to be a happy family with Naruto because you know what? It’s what they deserved!

SasuSaku is so compelling to me and I really feel like we were cheated out of seeing their relationship develop and evolve postwar in the same way The Last did for Naruhina. They’re my favorite angst ship and while I don’t think they were written that well in canon, I love the possibility and potential of them together and am excited to explore them more in-depth in my own writing.

NejiTen is just too cute, I really love the way Neji and Tenten’s personalities compliment each other? I don’t have much else to say about them except that I really love them together and think they have so much untapped potential that I also can’t wait to explore in more depth in my own writing.

15. What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

Paper Hearts and Impromptu Bookmarks, probably. I love the premise of this story a lot and I have so many interesting ideas for it but at the same time, it also feels kind of cheap and cringey to me, in a way? It takes all of these ideas I probably would have had if I had been into Naruto when I was a kid and kind of compiles them all into one big story. Kakashi and Aiko’s relationship and story is still really important to me and I want to continue it someday but for right now, I just haven’t had the motivation or desire to write any more of it. I think I’m just so overwhelmingly preoccupied with writing Kakashi and Rei’s story that I can’t imagine writing any other Kakashi x OC fics right now.

16. What are your writing strengths?

I want to say that I’m really good at capturing complex emotion? I don’t know, I write a lot of angst and mental upheaval in my fics which can be really difficult to try and capture, but I think I do a decent enough job of it? And just writing difficult subjects in general. I think it’s really important to address difficult topics such as mental illness and relationship difficulties and everything but I also want to try and write those topics in a way that is both authentic to the experience while also still tasteful. I don’t want to drive readers away with heavy subject matter but rather present a situation that feels real and authentic while also still being digestible. I may not be doing a very good job of that during the current arc of my fic that I’m working on, but I’m trying haha

EDIT 2: I also want to add onto this to say that I’m really proud of my organizational techniques for writing longfic. It’s not necessarily a strength in terms of the prose itself but it’s something that’s taken me years to really get a grasp on and find a method that works perfectly for me and so far, it’s been extremely helpful and beneficial to me. I don’t know where I would be now as a writer without these essential tools in my pocket.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

I feel like I do a really bad job of the “show, don’t tell” thing. It can be really hard to balance descriptive prose with straightforward writing that moves things along. I don’t want to dwell on mental dialogue to the point where you lose track of what’s going on, but I also don’t want my stuff to read like “Character A did xyz. Character B said abc. They went to 123″, whatever. Another thing I struggle with is sentence variation. I always fall into the same patterns when I’m writing prose and I get really self-conscious about it because I don’t want to sound repetitive or disrupt the flow of the writing. One of my favorite things about prose is focusing on the cadence of the words, I think it’s one of the most beautiful things about writing in general, but it can just be really difficult to get a good grip on that. I’ve been told in the past that I apparently have a really good grasp/control of the language or whatever but sometimes I just find that really hard to believe when I look at my work with such scrutiny. I think one of my biggest pet peeves with my own writing, too, is feeling like I start all of my sentences the same five different ways. I’ll read other people’s works and they’ll write sentences like “Glass-blue water lapped against the shores of a deserted beach as a lonely woman gazed off into the distance” and I can just never figure out how to realistically write sentences that start like that in the context of my prose and it drives me fucking crazy, like I’m definitely jealous 😅

18. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never really thought much about it before, but I think there are pros and cons! For bilingual/multilingual readers, I think it can be a really enriching reading experience because they know what’s being said in both languages. For people who only know one language, however, unless a translation is provided, I feel like it can be really alienating. I think the best use of that for both worlds is using it as a means for miscommunication humor. Other than that, I think it can be a slippery slope that depends on what kind of reader you are and how it’s written.

19. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The Chronicles of Narnia! My very first fanfiction was a Narnia fanfic that I barely remember except that it laid the basis for Temptation and my Narnia fanfic series as a whole. I never posted this first iteration anyway, but I remember it was 2008/2009 and I wrote a solid 80 pages (which was wild for me at the time) and had gotten halfway through remixing the events of Prince Caspian when my computer crashed and I lost absolutely everything. I’m still heartbroken that it’s gone forever, not because I’d want to go back and read it necessarily (since I’m sure it was actually hot garbage) but at least for nostalgia’s sake. Either way, like I said, this long-lost fic laid the basis for the very first fanfiction I ever posted, the first published (and never finished) iteration of Temptation back in 2011 on deviantART and the since-defunct Figment. I fell out of the fandom around 2012/2013 and left the story alone for a while before ultimately deciding to completely redux and rewrite the story when the fixation swung back around again between 2016 and 2018.

20. What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Despite the fact that it’s still in-progress, definitely The Scarecrow and The Bell. This fic just genuinely means so damn much to me and I will cherish it for the rest of my life because of how much it’s given me, how much love and passion and time and even parts of myself that I have poured into this, and also just how expansive of a story this is. Not only does it touch on some very dark and heavy topics, but I’ve also created so much of my own characters and meta for this story that it’s almost an entire universe in and of itself. I’ve just contributed so much additional world-building and created so many new OCs to fill important roles in this story and in Rei’s life, and they’ve all become so deeply important to me as they’ve developed further over the years. I’ve come up with so many interesting ideas for everyone and their lives, which are all slowly becoming so rich and varied. Not to mention that it’s my most popular fic to date as well as my longest fic at 632k and counting. I’ve really just genuinely poured so much of my heart and soul into this story, it’s my absolute favorite thing I’ve ever done and I really mean it when I say that I will cherish it for the rest of my life.

#tag games #ramblings

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finalfantasy7 · 3 years

Text

Letting go

Despite all the crying, all the pain, all the disappointment that came from that little bookstore, I’m still scared of letting it go. Honest to god afraid of allowing it to become a distant memory where I can barely make out most of the details.

Little did I know going in I would barely register as a real job, strictly viewing it as a seasonal gig, only to leave it with bleeding heart strings.

I remember how at first I didn’t allow myself to see it as a long term gig, not after only staying as a seasonal at a previous location (a decision that admittedly ended up being a strike against my confidence). And yet, as the holiday season came closer to ending, the more anxious I became about being kept on passed the holiday season. It only became worse as I started to bond with the team there. Everyone and everything seemed to click. I very quickly found myself in a new “comfort zone” and much like love, it’s beautiful to experience and even scarier to lose.

What I failed to realize until now, was I had personally laid down the structure of the home I now associate with that environment. Yes, my colleagues were each as warm as they were individuals; each carrying a back full of personalized arrows and hearts full of dreams and fears alike. But looking back, so many of them highlighted how their kindness was not cheap and for some, certainly wasn’t free.

I now understand what [redacted] means when she says I seem to be the “glue” between people. A substance whose sole purpose is to hold things together and tightly at that. That being said, there are few cases of universal glue. No, in fact there’s specific types of glue for specific materials. I am nowhere near being a universal glue but I seem to be a decent brand for people…or at least those who can afford to be a bit vulnerable and honest.

To this day I will rave about my former coworkers, even more so about the ones I still keep in contact with today. But I’m now starting to see that the bookstore was home to me for a bit BECAUSE I made it home. I could have come in day in and day out and never looked back but I didn’t, at the time it almost felt like I couldn’t. How could I? When a small, insecure being was being suddenly labeled with tags and titles they had never heard before.

I wasn’t “[dead name]” when I stepped through those blue doors but “Finn Acosta”. Nor longer was I this lost entity, a ball of failure, fears and anxieties. No, I was now “Finn”; an attractive, fashionable leader who always seemed to “really see” people for who they were. But even at the time these words read hollow, not because I didn’t believe the genuine sentiment behind them but simply because I didn’t see that person looking back at me in the mirror. They unfortunately went from compliments to a heavy mask I felt I needed to wear, to proudly carry and maintain lest I seek to disappoint everyone.

There was a time period when “life was good” at work. I had recently been hired and I was hungry. You wanted to teach me how to make a table? Let’s do it. Need help with overnight inventory? Something I’ve never done before? I’m game. Wanna teach me how to rearrange every decorative piece on a table? Can’t wait. I suppose this time period could accurately be labeled as “Finn was bubbly” here or at least that’s how one manager described it when discussing how much I had changed by the end of my bookstore career. Managers seem to like this time period as much as I did. I used to think I was happy here and I suppose I was and yet, looking back it all seems so Illusionary? Perhaps our image of happiness changes more throughout our lives than we’d like to admit. But here I was in a relationship which I believed at the time was perfect, was in a workplace I believed was perfect and was starting to carry a new outlook of myself I had, you guessed it, deemed as perfect.

I sometimes wonder if I had the opportunity would I go back in time and warn that version of myself about the storm that was starting to brew? No, I don’t think I would. Even with the knowledge I have now, nothing could have prepared me for what was about to unfold, not really. Plus, who am I to rip off those rose coloured glasses off my past self- she was genuinely as happy as she could have been. I feel weirdly maternal towards that person. I know they were doing their best….unfortunately their best would soon be crushed by reality, more specifically, the flaws and beauty of what it means to be human.

Now going into my second year of psyche I can confidently say reading about humans and experiencing them are very different. To read about projection and have it’s description neatly grouped in small bullet points is very different from someone angrily shutting down your greeting because they’re having a bad day. I experienced a lot of projection at work and equally threw in my own.

It’s fascinating to think I experienced both appreciation and questioning of personality all at once in the same environment. I would be commended on how understanding I could be but equally questioned on how I couldn’t view things as more black and white the same people. How could you see only grays, is what I’d heard in my mind. Where was the fire? Where was the anger? Did it mean I didn’t care? Perhaps I simply didn’t give enough thought to these topics? But that wasn’t the case at all. For months on end I would ruminate about work; everything from issues of health and safety, union processing, to the well being of my coworkers.

This was my pack and I needed to care for it as best as I could…so I did. Someone didn’t feel comfortable addressing concerns to management? I’d do it for them. Let me check in with everyone I saw to see how they were. You look tired, allow me to buy you a coffee. Let me send out feedback forms to see what people need. Remember, each and everyone one of you matters and deserves nothing but care. Oh wait, management is also made up of human beings so I should also extend all this to them. Let me do this, let me do that, I will do this, I will do that. Eventually I became a husk of the person I started off at the beginning of the year. I felt bitter and broken. To put it frankly, I was exhausted.

I’ve never broken down so much in a place of work. I would sit in the corner of the washroom and cry (not too much so we couldn’t stop but enough to get a good sob out). No one ever knew. I know because I’ve now highlighted this to a few former coworkers and they each wear the same look of surprise, sadness and empathy. But why the tears? It was just a part time job and it was…until it wasn’t. Somewhere along the way this part time job truly became something else. I went from clocking in and out, to bringing every person who worked with me home. I packed up their fears in a precious bag and wore it around, how couldn’t I? They were afraid and I was used to carrying around people’s emotions with me. I was even better at wearing a bright toothy smile that hid my own emotions.

At some point I stopped being a CER and started to be..well..I suppose glue. But remember what I said earlier about different types of glue for different materials? Well, you see- management wasn’t particularly fond of the type of glue I was, at least a majority of them didn’t seem to be. You see in the eyes of my leaders, I WAS someone who was just clocking in and out and they weren’t happy with this. You see, the company preferred the type of glue that bonded workers and the company’s “vision”. Workers that were so bonded with that vision that it became almost indistinguishable of where the person started and the sales pitch ended. They wanted you to take work home with you, just not in the way I did. Ironically, because of this I was rated as a low performer; because I didn’t care enough, when all of my peers were telling me the opposite.

But there it was, the other shoe had finally fallen and little Finn isn’t as sturdy as they seem. No, in fact, I remember running out of the performance review in tears, rushing past my coworkers as I digested being told I was a failure (another notch to add to the belt). It’s true when they say, sometimes it’s not the information itself but how it’s delivered. I felt ganged up in the review; mine being the only that required the GM to be present (more like be the one who conducted it but I digress). My mind had completely shut down as my superiors watched me shrink into myself, using the little energy I had to not break down and cry. The surrealism of them joking around about not being able to find a seat in the mall to conduct the review as my mind turned into static. They told me I had “really up days and really down days”, a sentence that may as well be a death sentence if you deal with a form of mental illness. They noticed, they noticed I wasn’t neurotypical, that I was different and not in a good way. You know what hurts the most? These two women were part of a moment of trauma for me and they didn’t even try- for them it was just another day at work. They’ll never know how I spent the next few months psychoanalyzing myself, speaking with professionals to help me find “what I did wrong?”, “why was I a failure?”.

After months of pouring every bit of energy I had towards my team I was told I wasn’t good enough. A part of me wishes I could send this letter to those women, to show them “look what you did to me”. But I feel it would give them another opportunity to dismiss me when I’m most vulnerable, a moment similar to when they glossed over my anxiety disorder, chalking it up to, “I think we’re all anxious right now”. At the end of everything I’m more hurt than bitter. I’m not a manager, I’m not a leader but I know I would never put someone in such a situation and at the very least I can sleep at night knowing that.

To say my time at the bookstore was a learning experience would be an understatement. One day I was at cash dealing with a customer who clearly wasn’t having a good day and I decided then and there, I needed to leave. So, I finally ripped the rose coloured glasses off and decided to give my two weeks. Those two weeks were the least stressed I had been the entire year. Ironically, I had to leave the bookstore to finally take to heart the kind words that were told to me in it. I remember how I was told at my previous location how incredible it was of how many interpersonal relationships I had made in the short amount of time and it looks like here was no different….but it was. I’m now permanently leaving this company behind and realizing if this is what I can do with a few months, a year, imagine what I can do in a permanent career setting? I think I’ll be just fine; not because I’m “Finn”, not because I’m glue but because I try and maybe, just maybe, that’s enough.

#mine #letting go

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papergirllife · 4 years

Text

Chasing The Flames

Chapter 11 : Out Of Our Grasp

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you have 30 texts ; 16 missed calls ; 3 voice mails.

All these unread texts and unanswered calls were all from the nct dream members. I haven’t seen them for a long time, Mr Kang gave me more projects to work on, and even leading one of them by yourself.

The times when I wasn’t loaded with work, I found other activities distracting myself, learning how to bake, going to the gym, and even giving in to try knitting, but that one failed of course.

Whenever I had the urge to call them back, I shut off my phone, reasoning that this was the best I could do to not tarnish this friendship. It was the only way Jeno and Jaemin wouldn’t hate me for my feelings towards Jeno? Jaemin? Both of them?

I shook my head at what absurd thoughts I had, I can’t like both of them, this is unusual and unnatural? I didn’t know what to make of my feelings towards them, Jaemin made me felt like I was sitting in front of a fireplace with a cup of hot coco on a cold winter night. Jeno is more of a red fiery passion, spontaneous late night car rides to the beach side.

Maybe I was just overthinking things, maybe I had these feelings only because I found them very photogenic. But that didn’t make any sense. Every time log on instagram’s explore page and see their weird expressions on those clips posted by their fan accounts, I would have a smile on my face, before realising what a dumb thing I was doing.

I was falling like a fool.

It was a Friday night, and I was outside the nearest convenience store drinking soju by myself, the warm alcohol flowing down your throat a stark contrast to this chilly night. I was drowning in guilt, I ruined a perfect friendship with 7 very good friends because I had thrown my feelings into the mix.

It’s not like they found out, but I feel like they knew all along, the way I accidentally stared at them for too long, the way my cheeks were heating up even though I wasn’t dong anything athletic. It’s best that I leave them good memories as it is, before I misstep and make everything go down the drain. That’s the least I can do. As I downed another gulp of soju, someone dressed in all black with a mask and a cap sat down your table. I thought it was just another customer, until that person took off his disguise, making me choke on the alcohol.

“Renjun?”

“I was about to go to your house, but you made things easier.”

“Why are you here?”

“To come find you. Why have you been ignoring our texts and calls?”

“I’ve been busy with work”

That wasn’t a lie, entirely.

“Everyone’s worried about you, especially Jaemin, you know how much of a mom he can get. I snuck out of the dorms just to look for you so you better say yes.”

“Yes to what?”

“Jeno’s birthday dinner with the dream members is next Saturday at the dorms, and he’s been distressed about your absence, not entirely focusing on work, getting frustrated when he doesn’t get a dance move right.”

“I...

“I don’t know what you’re going through right now, but tell me when you’re ready okay?”

I nodded in silence, knowing that Renjun would hate me if I told him about my crush towards his two best friends.

“I will.”

“I have to go back now, before Taeyong hyung does the night checks. Night.”

“Night.”

It was the night of the birthday dinner, I made Jeno a cake for his birthday and bought a pair of biking gloves for him. I’m now standing in front of their door, hand held in a fist over the door, but not daring to knock yet. I could feel the way how tensed my limbs were, the way my heart was beating faster than what I wanted it to. I could just leave? Leave the cake and present here after knocking. But what would they think of me? Would they hate me after if I pulled that stunt? My heels were starting to dig into my sole when the door swung open, revealing Chenle’s bright smile.

“Y/N, you’re finally here. We haven’t seen you in such a long time, I can’t believe the company is overworking you. You look so much more tired from when we last saw you. It’s fine, Renjun told us everything.”

“Yah Chenle, Y/N looks fine. Don’t be so rude.”

“Hi, Jisung.”

Chenle opened the door a bit wider for Jisung to come out, his smile wide when he saw the cake in your hands.

“Come in now, don’t catch a cold. Why did you let Y/N stand outside for so long? Just talk inside.”

The two of them started bickering like children during my walk to the kitchen. Just when I was about to place the cake in the fridge, someone sneaked up behind me.

“Long time no see.”

“Oh my god! You scared me, hi, happy birthday Jeno. I baked this cake and your present’s on the table.”

“Why haven’t you been answering our calls?”

He wasn’t smiling, but he wasn’t angry either. This is bad, I rather he had shouted at me, than hearing the disappointment laced in his voice.

“I was busy with work, lots of comebacks and some modelling shoots at the sister company. I usually shut my phone off and most times I just have time for sleep and...

At this point I’m just rambling what comes to mind eyes avoiding his, noticing the way his hands are littered with veins, he must’ve put in a lot more time in the gym. I noticed his disheveled appearance, the stubs of facial hair, the pajamas even on his birthday.

... I’m sorry.”

I looked up slightly to see him biting his lower lip, brows furrowed in concentration, and Jaemin was behind him. I heard Chenle calling me into the balcony to show me something, so I quickly excused myself, legs feeling like jelly under their scrutinizing gaze.

Even though, Chenle was showing me Louis, Ten’s cat that they borrowed for a day, I can’t help but look back to see Jeno and Jaemin’s their unreadable expressions.

“Why did she act like nothing happened?”

“Technically, nothing happened, but that’s the problem.”

Jaemin was gazing at you with a somewhat painful expression on his face, he doesn’t want to push you, but the fact that you were down right ignoring them really hurt him and Jeno.

“I thought she has feelings for us. I saw the way she looked at me, it was like how you look at me, doesn’t that mean something?”

“She might be scared Jeno. We can’t just force her into accepting the fact that she likes us. Everyone’s confused with their feelings and what they want in their life. You have to understand that polyamorous relationships still aren’t accepted widely by society, maybe she doesn’t even know what does that even mean.”

“What if she doesn’t like us and that we’re just blindly embracing the idea?”

“Don’t be so passive Jeno. Like what you said just now, she does look at us differently. If she tells us she has no feelings for us herself, then we can give up. We never gave up during our trainee days, this is just another hurdle Jeno ah. We’ll make it.”

Jeno scratched the back of his head, sighing at how stupid he was to act and think this way. He remembered the days when he was in denial of his feelings for Jaemin as well, thinking that it was wrong to love a man, but as he looks back at those days and think back the emotions and confusion he felt back then, he realised this must be what you’re dealing with now. He should be guiding you, not being angry at your confused self. He was being selfish, and now he’s going to make it up to you.

“Y/N is just like you back then, but less aggressive. Remember when you got drunk and tried to punch me?”

Jeno groaned in annoyance at the events that led to that memory.

“It was a one time thing, shut up. I didn’t even punch you, even though I was so wasted and angry, I was still sober enough to know that I love you.”

“But you were in denial?”

“I was young and dumb, shut up.”

“I love you too, Jeno ah. We should head back out the living area, before Chenle gets the wrong idea and announces it to the world.”

Through out dinner, Jeno and Jaemin seemed to have calmed down a bit after the first interaction prior an hour ago. Jeno even made small talk with me which surprised me very much while Jaemin seemed to be careful of the words he used to speak to me. I don’t know what’s going through their minds, but I rather be smiling along with them than see those disappointed looks on their faces ever again.

I talked to them about work, the projects that had lined up and the side projects at hand while they listened intently, Jeno’s smile appearing when I mentioned working with Super Junior for the online concert and their recent promotions.When I cut the cake for all of them, Jaemin helped distributing the slices of cake to everyone.

At the last piece, Jaemin wasn’t prepared for your hand to pass him the piece as he had known it was yours, your hand once again passing him the plate, but instead of coming in contact with the ceramic, he felt your soft hands.

I looked up in shock, my heartbeat racing at the slightest of contact.

Jaemin’s lips were agape, worrying that you’ll think he was overstepping tonight after many days of dismissal from you.

“Sorry, I didn’t know you’ll still be passing that plate, that’s your own piece, everyone is eating theirs now.”

“It’s alright, it was my fault, I’m being a blur again.”

Jaemin let out a small laugh at what I had said, his eyes glimmering with a sense of warmth? content? I had no idea what that means, but I’m sacred of what my heart wants it to mean.

Jaemin noticed the way you had looked into his eyes, but a sense of something came over you seconds after, sadness? insecurity? You were a sometimes so easy to read, but some days he felt like he was trying to read spanish.

As the night was still young, Renjun bought out the soju and champagne. The lot of us drank while having a mini karaoke, while Jisung was trying to keep some of his hyungs from doing anything they’ll regret in the morning.

With the alcohol in my system, my nerves started to let loose, feelings less tensed. I don’t know how am I going back home tonight, but for now I didn’t really care, it’s been the most fun I had in days after days of worrying about.

I looked at the time on the clock as I forgot where I placed my phone, it’s nearing 1 a.m. , and yet Renjun is still belting out high notes, although in a tipsy state, a sober Jisung trying to get him to bed. It was a comedic relief, seeing how happy they are makes the stress in your head fade away bit by bit.

Jeno is a happy man he thinks, at least for now, he had a delicious meal cooked by his boyfriend and brothers, a cake you baked yourself just for his birthday, and a bottle of champagne. Is he drunk on happiness or the amount of alcohol he consumed? He doesn’t know, he just knows that you look cute whenever you had a little too much to drink, your eyes crinkling as your smiles are wider in this state, he feels a smile tugging on his lips as he sees your own.

He sees your drunk state looking for the bathroom, he gets up to watch you, just in case your clumsy self stumbles along the way, or Chenle’s basketball was lying around the hallway again. Jeno hid in his room to wait for you, not wanting to seem like creep and accidentally scare you away.

As he heard the door open, the weight in his heart started receding, he was scared you’d trip on something in there, even in the hallway, you were already feeling the walls with your hands. But just as he thought you were going to be fine, you had tried to switch off the bathroom light, but your wet hands slipped, making you lose your balance.

I was sure I was going to be a goner when I felt my head become delusional from the alcohol and the sudden slip up made my mind dizzy, but instead I felt a pair of arms holding onto me. I opened my eyes to see Jeno’s face millimeters away from mine, his body was against mine, our heartbeats racing at a hundred and five, he still hasn’t let me go, his eyes scanning my face, taking in my flustered expression.

Jeno’s face was inching closer to mine, his lips agape, as if he was waiting for ymy lips to meet his. His eyes were shaded with a sense of something mysterious and it was hypnotising, although I had plenty to drink, the slip up made me sober up quite a bit.

“Jeno... I can get up now, thank you.”

Jeno lifted me up from that near falling position, but his arms around me never wavered. His eyes were searching yours, what is he looking for?

“Y/N, I like you.”

61 notes · View notes

probably-writing-x · 4 years

Text

Re-centre

Tom Holland x Reader

Not my gif

My requests are open if you have any ideas <3

“Come on Tom don’t be ridiculous!” You match his volume, “I had every right to be annoyed. We’d planned this thing for weeks!”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, (Y/n)!” He continues to defend, “I’ve had a busy schedule with everything going on and it just slipped my mind. I can’t change that.”

“I reminded you that morning!” You point out, “And it’s not like you were doing something you couldn’t get out of. Drinks with the boys? You can do that anytime!”

The derivative of this argument had stemmed from Tom missing an important evening you were supposed to be attending for your business. He knew you’d been terrified about it for weeks and you’d been prepping to meet all of these important business figures since you’d first been invited. You wanted him by your side. Instead, he’d supposedly forgotten and gone out with the boys for drinks instead. Sure, he had been busy recently. He’d been doing a bunch of press for Onward and had only recently finished up with Cherry, whilst also juggling a few new projects that seemed to be in the pipeline. But you’d asked for one night. And you didn’t expect that to be so hard for him.

In fact, the two of you had been arguing a lot recently. Ever since you’d moved into this flat together, you’d been at it like an old married couple. You hadn’t done the dishes? Argument. He’d forgotten to get the groceries you’d asked for? Argument. You came back late from work and hardly saw him? Argument. Day after day, the blissful couple managed to sink further and further into the stage they never wanted to get to.

“Really? Because on top of work, and travelling and everything, I hardly get to see them anymore,” He comments, running a hand through his hair, “I just thought I’d have one night to enjoy myself.”

“I wanted you to be there Tom,” You sigh, “I was terrified. Do you know how humiliating it is to be talking to investors and have them question why the seat beside me was empty at dinner?”

He swallows and you watch as his Adam’s Apple bobs prominently, “It wouldn’t have made a difference to their opinion of you if I was there or not.”

You scoff, “Right, Tom,” You fold your arms like you’re closing him off from you, “But it would’ve made a difference to me. I wanted my boyfriend to be there to support me. But I guess not.”

That silences him. All of his arguments to defend himself seem to fall flat.

“You have to be at the studio for interviews in an hour, you should probably leave now,” You comment coldly, hardly glancing up from the floorboards as you speak, “I’ll see you later.”

He doesn’t have it in him to find the right words to respond with. Instead, he watches you walk into the room that you shared in this apartment before he finally drops his hope and packs up his things to leave. As he left, all he could think about was how much he’d held you in that room. How many times had the two of you shared a bed? Without him falling asleep on the sofa, or in a hotel halfway across the world. Without an argument meaning you turned your backs to each other after a hasty good night. All he could think of was wrapping his arms around you tightly and promising you that you’d wake up with them still tight around your torso. He’d give you a morning kiss and ask to stay with you like that forever, until life dragged you to your separate callings.

- - - - - -

He’s already been asked if he’s okay four times since he got here - all by different people. They all said that he didn’t seem like himself but he’d dismissed it as fatigue quickly. Chris seemed the most concerned as they both got their microphones connected for the interviews.

“You good, buddy?” Chris frowns, watching Tom like he was a brother to him whilst Tom blanks out.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Tom nods encouragingly, trying to force himself back to normal.

“You know we don’t have to go ahead if you’re not comfortable,” Chris points out, “I’ll do them alone if you-“

“Honestly man, I’m good, let’s go,” Tom shakes it off, heading out through to the first interview of the day.

These days were always pretty long - interview after interview that always seemed to hold similar questions or set ups. But you always managed to brighten them. You’d send him a text to check he’d got there okay, or you’d sent him a voice note to update him on your day so far. Especially recently as the two of you had moved into your apartment. His phone would normally be buzzing a thousand times as you sent him different photos of cute furniture that you’d managed to find. Today, he hadn’t heard anything.

He knew he was in the wrong about this whole situation with you. You were completely right to want him to be there with you. You’d always done the same for him - press events, charity nights, premieres. You’d been by his side for all of his major moments. And he’d managed to slip up on the one night where it mattered. He knew that this would matter more to you than if he’d missed your birthday, an anniversary, even a meal with your family. Your career? That was always a big thing for you, and so was having Tom there to support. So yeah, he’d fucked up. And he’d made things worse by being too proud to admit it.

“And what about you Tom?” The interviewer continues, focusing his attention on the boy that was hardly in the room.

“Oh, I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?”

- - - - - -

“Man, what’s with you today?” Chris frowns, “I don’t wanna be rude but you’re really not with it today.”

Tom sighs and rubs a hand over his face, “Just been a bit of a long day.”

“Well, we’ve got three left,” Chris encourages, “I’ll be my wonderful self and you can sit back and look pretty.”

Tom tries to laugh but it falls flat against the weight on his chest. He wanted to be home. He wanted to find a thousand ways of making this up to you so he could tell you once and for all that he would change and that he was wrong. Every passing moment increased his fears that, this time, he’d be too late.

“Alright so, a lot of fans sent in questions for this interview,” The woman explains, Tom hadn’t been alert enough to catch her name, “Chris, what was your favourite thing about working on this film?”

Chris chats away naturally going through his answer, making some sort of joke that Tom forces a laugh at.

“And Tom, a lot of questions came in for you,” The interviewer smiles, “How have things been for you and (Y/n) now that you guys have moved in together?”

His eyes fall at the mention of your name, trying his best to muster any composure he can find before he looks back up, “Um,” He stops.

It felt like everyone’s eyes were on him. The useless boyfriend acting as though everything had to be fine.

“Things are going great, thank you,” He tries to readjust in his chair and smile, “We’re settling in well.”

“And she’s been very busy with her business recently,” The interviewer persists relentlessly, “You guys must be so busy! How has that worked?”

Tom feels himself fight against the quivering of his bottom lip, “I’m sorry, excuse me.”

“Tom?” Chris speaks up, frowning at the sudden change in demeanour.

“I have to go,” Tom stumbles quickly, “I’m so sorry.”

The interviewer seems practically dumbfounded.

“I’m sorry, excuse me,” Tom tries to de-tangle himself from the microphone and step through the maze of cameras and crew around them.

His assistant watches on in horror - this would be a hard one to explain!

But Tom would deal with all of that later. He gets himself out of the room with rapid breathing as he starts hurrying down the corridors to try and get out of the building. To get home to you.

- - - - - -

He’s practically trembling on the taxi journey all the way back to the flat - he’s convincing himself of every possible negative outcome and telling himself a million times that it’s too late to rectify what he’s done. The thought alone causes adrenaline to surge through him.

When the cab pulls up outside of your building, he rushes to the penthouse like there’s fire behind his feet. But as soon as he reaches the door? All of that comes crashing down. And there’s an odd solemn nature that falls over him that he can’t manage to shift.

There’s soft music playing from inside the flat and he’s cautious as he unlocks the door. It’s quiet and calm but he’s certain that the aftermath of a storm is always worse than the storm itself. You’re always awaiting the next.

Tom walks through the flat calmly until he reaches the spare room. The two of you had used it as a very jumbled place for storage since you’d moved in and never really got round to organising. Clearly today you’d set that task for yourself.

“Hey,” He begins softly and it instantly makes you jump.

You hadn’t heard him over the music.

“What are you doing home?” You frown, checking the time, “I thought it wasn’t supposed to be for at least another hour.”

“Yeah I know,” Tom scratches at the back of his neck, “I left early.”

You frown once again, “What happened? Was everything okay?” You pause the song and focus solely on him.

“Um, yeah, listen (Y/n)...” He pauses, glancing over at the photo album in your hands, “What are you doing?”

“Just looking through some old photos,” You tuck some stray hairs behind your ears and it pains you that it’s not his hand to make the movement, “I got a bit distracted from clearing out.”

“Can I join you?”

You shift around on the floor to make room for him beside you and, as he’d asked, he comes to sit cross legged on the carpet next to you.

“Oh my god!” Tom picks up a photo from the floor, “This was from Halloween, what like 3 years ago?”

“Yeah,” You smile, “The avengers idea!”

Your eyes glance over the group of you - you were Black Widow, Tom was Hawkeye, Tuwaine: the Hulk, Harrison: Captain America, Harry was Iron Man and Sam was Thor. You’d never been so proud of yourselves when the idea actually came off well.

“Why didn’t you go as Spider-Man?” You frown, looking at another photo of the night.

He laughs, “We said we’d go as the original group!”

The laughter settles as you move onto another one, the two of you on your first holiday together. Tom had taken you to Barcelona for your birthday and it had been the most under planned trips ever. The hotel ended up misbooking you so you had to find somewhere last minute, your flights got mixed up too and Tom forgot to book the restaurant that he’d been planning for your actual birthday evening. But it couldn’t have been more perfect. You spent the evenings hand in hand around the streets, you found quaint little corner shops and cafes that sufficed to make the entire weekend something you’d never forget.

“God, I really fucked up with that one!” Tom shakes his head, flicking through a few failed photos that an old couple had taken of you two.

“No, don’t be silly,” You defend, “It was beautiful.”

He smiles lightly and the two of you immerse yourself in more photos, organising them into the years of memories that you’d made together over your relationship. You slot the final photo into an album and set it into the box with the others - one for each year.

“(Y/n) I’m really sorry,” Tom begins, evidently returning back to his initial reasoning for coming home, “I didn’t mean to miss that event, and I know it was completely stupid of me to forget. I should’ve spoken to you and told you what I was doing. And if I’d have remembered, I would’ve been there with you.”

You look down at your hands in your lap.

“I know I can’t blame this on my forgetfulness or just act like this was a silly, forgettable mistake, because it wasn’t. Darling, you’ve always been there for me, every event, every premiere, everything- you’re always by my side. And, on one night where I should’ve been doing the same, I was ignorant and didn’t think of you as much as I should’ve done. As much as I should always do,” He sighs, the frown between his brows increasing, “You don’t deserve to be treated like that. God, if I’d have been there, I would’ve been proud beyond belief of you, of everything you’re achieving. You melt my heart with how unbelievably proud you make me and it kills me that I didn’t show you that when I should’ve done.”

You reach over and squeeze his hand, “Tom, we’ll keep going around in circles if we keep talking about this.”

His mouth parts and it’s like you see his heart sink, “What are you saying?”

“Dance with me,” You mumble, reaching over to play the music through the speakers once again.

It’s ‘Falling’ from Harry Styles’ album that starts playing and it seems awfully bittersweet for the moment. It doesn’t exactly fit but you don’t care.

You pull Toms hands and wrap your arms around him as he does the same to you. He’s uncertain at first but soon relaxes into your body being against him. He holds you close and lets your head hear the calming beat of his heart against his chest. You take in a shaky breath and feel like you’re holding him close enough to mold him back into you, into every part of your body and your mind.

“I love you,” Tom whispers against your hair, dipping his head down to bring the words as close to you as possible.

It feels like the first time in forever where he says those words and they really sink into your veins like they did when they’d first left his lips.

And, somehow, it brings you back to everything that had ever mattered. Something you’d managed to almost lose. Us.

“I don’t want to lose this.”

186 notes · View notes

messiisgodibeliveinhim · 4 years

Text

Just Another Rant

Okay, so why do NCTzens have a hate boner for Taeyong??? It's so f*cking weird, it doesn't make sense.

Taeyong has been under NCTzens' microscope since his debut. Everything he does is dissected and twisted into something its not. No other member of NCT or any group (except maybe Jennie from Blackpink) is treated this way by the group's fans. NCTzens want Taeyong to be the villain so bad, that they're willing to stoop as low as dehumanizing, body shaming and wishing d3ath on him. NCTzens dislike him, some even hate him and they're not very subtle about it.

Now, I'm not saying all NCTzens are TY antis. I have moots on Twitter who dont stan him, but are incredibly respectful towards him and acknowledge his talents and hardwork. If you're one of them, then this rant is not about you. But i will say this, if it isnt all NCTzens who anti Taeyong, it's most of them.

It started with Lines and Screentime distribution for NCT songs and mvs. Now, i agree that Taeyong used to get a little more lines and screentime than the others at first. But instead of calling out SM, most of you targeted Taeyong saying he deliberately stole the said lines and screentime from his members so that he'd get to shine more..... Really???

Next, when he was announced as a member of SuperM, NCTzens were clearly upset it wasn't Johhny or Jaehyun. Do you wanna know why??? No, they didnt talk about talent. Instead, they wanted Jaehyun/Johhny instead of Taeyong because SuperM is a group targeted at the western audience and Jn & Jh knew to speak English better than TY..... Okay.

And it keeps getting worse.

-NCTzens saying that TY goes into the recording studio to record his solo songs, by LOCKING OUT the rest of NCT, so that they wont get to record their solo stuff.

-That TY is SM's Golden Boy cuz he 'gETs a LoT of SoLO pRoMos anD cENter TiMe', completely refusing to understand what 'SOLO PROMO' means or see how overworked and mistreated he is by his own company.

-When TyongFs praise TY about anything, NCTzens always, ALWAYS insert their faves in the post. Like, go make your own post maybe???

/Trigger Content

-NCTzens saying that TY dances like he has a sq*irrel in his pants, raps like d*g, looks like a skeleton etc etc. And these are just mild stuff i mentioned here. NCTzens are so much worse when it comes to body shaming and dehumanizing him. And when we call them out for it, thay have the audacity to say that its a JOKE and we're STUPID for not having 'A Sense of Humor'....

/End of Trigger Content

-NCTzens saying that TY's main dancer/main rapper/main visual/leader/center positions should go to their faves cuz their fave 'iS So mUcH beTTeR aT TheSe pOsiTIOns'. Yeah.... sure..... NCTzens rarely talk about the positions other members have , but are really obsessed with Taeyong's.

-NCTzens still denying that Taeyong is NCT's leader and that he's really good at it. Just yesterday, a Wayzennie (also a TY anti) started spewing sh*t about Taeyong's leadership. And their arguement??? That they have 'lEAdeRsHiP eXpEriEncE iN UnI, WoRk aND ouTsIDe wOrK' and that makes them an expert about leading a 23 member global kpop group, who had a rough start what with their controversial 'unlimited' concept and experimental songs. Sure, Jan.

(Also, the thing where some Wayzennies are still not accepting that TY is the leader of whole of NCT, cuz Kun is WayV's leader..... Seriously, though its not that hard to understand. Kun IS and WILL remain the leader of WayV, a 7 member group. That's a fact. But when the subunits (127, Dream and WayV) come together for projects (ex: NCT 2018 and NCT 2020), Taeyong becomes the overall leader. But since these Wayzennies are still on their WayV not being part of NCT agenda, they're simply ignore this. Go figure.)

- Oh, but when some other member in NCT messes up, it suddenly becomes Taeyong's responsibility cuz 'HE'S THE LEADER'. Funny, how NCTzens change narratives quickly. Also, weird how, according to NCTzens, NCT members suddenly can't think for themselves even though they're grown adults and need Taeyong to take the blame for them. Haha.....

-Also, NCTzens guilt tripping TyongFs from canceling NCT Beyond Live tickets when they got to know that he was injured and wont be participating in the concert a little too late, cuz "Taeyong, as a leader, would be sooo upseeet that his group wont be getting TyongFs' money and he'd feel sooo guiltyyy that y'all are getting refunds of your OWN money that YOU CHOSE to spent and its not my business at all. But damn, y'all are sooo selfish!!!!"

-NCTzens posting about how overjoyed they are that TY is injured cuz that means their faves get to shine..... "Look how MY FAVE killed TY's part" "MY FAVE ate Taeyong up" "Should've put MY FAVE in the OG line up instead of Taeyong" "MY FAVE made TY's part as his own" "Thank god, MY FAVE got to show off his talents, now that Taeyong isnt here". God, if i were one of the Neos whose fans say sh*t like this, it would've felt like a slap to my face. Honestly, tell me, do y'all really think so low of your faves? Do you really think they cant shine even with TY being on stage? They absolutely can, but you're focus is not on them, is it? Way to embarrass yourself.

-NCTzens blaming Taeyong for NCT's slow rise to fame because of the false rumors/allegations pinned on him by nasty people. They say Taeyong was the sole reason for NCT not being liked by many, not because of their confusing/complicated concept or the music. Yeah, you heard me. NCTzens are not above victim blaming and pointing fingers, cuz they are not ready to accept the fact that Taeyong was the one who carried the group on his back all the way.

-And how they can't stand the fact that TY gets praised by proffesionals or non-fans or locals. A dance analyzer analyzed 127's Kick It and at the end stated that Taeyong was the best dancer in 127. And what did NCTzens do. They bullied the analyzer to the point that they deleted the video, just cuz their fave was not named the best. A reactor reacts to Taeyong's Long Flight and the comments on the videos are along the lines of 'Hey, MY FAVE'S also has a solo song too. You should definitely react to that' or when they're tryna be subtle (but not really), they go 'Taeyong is soo good but you should also check out MY FAVE'S blah blah blah'

Hell, even when TyongFs say 'Taeyong is very so creative, by coming up with BDLI Jungle Gym concept and the MAW chandelier thing. He's literally an Idea Bank', and NCTzens go 'All the Neos are idea banks' in the same post.

When TyongFs say 'Taeyong is the really so handsome. NCT's main visual', they go 'All the Neos are main visuals'

Lmao, just 3 days ago, someone commented 'Taeyong is cute' under a tiktok video and an NCTzen just couldn't help but fume about it and went 'All Neos are cute'🙄

Like seriously, this is sooo annoying. Make your own goddamn post about the rest of NCT, ffs! Why do you to insert anyone else in a Taeyong tweet? Literally, can't let Taeyong have a moment for himself.

-Recently, Taeyong released 2 solo demo tracks on SoundCloud- Dark Clouds and Dark Clouds Remix (check it out here: https://soundcloud.com/eh_ovo_taeyong). And NCTzens being NCTzens started those who never even promoted Kun's SoundCloud before started promoting it under every TY tweet on the same day. Now, i don't have a problem with them promoting Kun's SC. But they could've done it any other day or made their own tweet about it. But doing it under every TY promo tweet and on the very same day? Really??? And some of them had the audacity to say that TY was getting free clout from Kun cuz Kun followed him on SC.....😑😑😑

-NCTzens have this weird belief that TY is getting solo promos and is being pushed by SM. What on earth are they talking about? Taeyong being center, main rapper and main dancer of the group is not solo promo. Him being in SuperM is not solo promo. Him opening Instagram and SoundCloud is not solo promo, but self promo- which means HE'S promoting himself, not SM. Solo promo is usually provided to the artist by the company in the form of photoshoots, accepting brand deals, releasing the artist's solo music etc and SM isnt doing sh*t for Taeyong. All they're doing is overworking him and milking him for money. That's it. And i want NCTzens to understand that.

And the list goes on and on and on. This weird hate boner NCTzens have for Taeyong is so bizarre to me. All Taeyong does is sing, rap, dance, talk cutely, take care of his fishes and play games with Baekhyun. And this somehow gets NCTzens mad. They constantly discredit him, try to make him seem less than what he actually is, insert everyone else when someone is talking just about him, make him seem like a villain by twisting his words or actions and making it into a big deal.... *sigh* Its so unbelievable how low NCTzens can stoop. And it gets tiring real quick.

N E Ways, this is everything i wanted to rant about and damn, this turned out to be too lengthy. Now, if you havent followed Taeyong on his Instagram, please do @eh_evo_nct. Stream Long Flight, his one and only solo station. And please look forward to BaekhyunxTaeyong collab on Taeyong's SoundCloud.

Ciao!

#lee taeyong #taeyong #nct 127 #nct

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theunmappedstar · 4 years

Note

I dare you to give some random badboy au headcanons

so, i’m sorry, but “random headcanons” turned into “here’s the beginning of highschool badboy au plot that i have stuck in my head”... so... enjoy.

Sophie meets them because she joins Foxfire’s photography class as an elective. She has a group assignment that she has to complete, which requires her to take some photography scavenger hunt. She’s given a piece of paper with a list of different prompts she has to use to take pictures. (She’s mostly intrigued by the “street photography” bullet point).

Sophie gets paired up with Biana. They make quick friends and decide to divvy up the work - but this is also how Sophie learns about the boys.

She’d heard a little about them prior, but Sophie tended to only dip her toe into the gossip sparingly, so she doesn’t know exactly what’s up with these dudes

Sophie finds out that Biana is related to Fitz. Biana’s actually a real chatterbox when it comes to her family, so over the next week Sophie’s filled in on the majority of the timeline. (Also, the fact that everyone seemed to know of it, but her made Sophie feel really out of the loop and unpopular, but.)

The Vackers are a very wealthy and influential family. Biana’s parents naturally expected the most of their kids. Unfortunately, that only ended up dividing them. The three siblings weren’t very close when they were younger, but at least they talked - they barely interact normally anymore, according to Biana, focusing solely on their own lives and work. Alvar’s long since graduated, but Fitz and Biana are still held to their parent’s high expectations; they feel pressured to somehow reach above Alvar’s already-tremendous feats. Biana says even though it was rough, she never really saw it as a competition like her two brothers did. But that doesn’t mean she liked it, either.

Anyway, Fitz got so fed up with it and after a blowout, he managed to fall into what the Vacker parents love to call the “wrong crowd.”

The “wrong crowd” happens to be two kids - one from Foxfire Academy and one from a neighboring not-so-pristine school called Exillium.

Sophie’s interested as to who the two kids are, naturally, so she asks.

She almost immediately regrets that decision because as it would turn out, she knows those two kids.

Or, at least, she used to.

The first, Keefe Sencen, was surrounded by a lot of talk in her grade because of how he’d managed to skip a year when he was younger - and now Sophie finds that he’s apparently close to having to retake a year, since his grades have started to slip. She’d only seen him a couple times in elementary and had been paired with him for projects a staggering record of two times, but that didn’t mean he was one she would forget. (Those two group projects had been hell for her. He’d messed around with her so much and made her so frustrated and flustered and urg she hadn’t known how to act around a boy so obnoxious-but-cute).

Sophie doesn’t know if she’s surprised or not to find out that he managed to flip into the resident bad boy

The second one, Tam Song, happened to be a childhood friend (or she assumed that was the same Tam Song. There couldn’t be that many Tam Songs in the world, right?). She’d had a couple playdates with him before his parents had moved him and his twin sister away. She found out years later from her parents that the Songs had been having financial troubles and could no longer afford to be in the neighborhood/attend the academy

Sophie is baffled that the three managed to get together and start a reputation for themselves, no less

Sophie’s also baffled that they’re so well-known and yet she hadn’t really heard a thing about them; seriously, how unpopular was she?

When she relays the info to Dex and Marella at lunch, they tease Sophie that they’ve been waiting for it to hit her for years.

“...Why do you think we sit alone?” Dex asks.

Honestly, Sophie never really bothered to think about it. “I don’t know.”

Marella just snort-giggles. “Listen, you’re really smart, Sophie: you could build an entire AI system if you put your mind to it. But sometimes you lack a little thing called common sense.”

She doesn’t know whether to be offended or flattered.

She chooses to be flattered.

In the following days, Biana and Sophie get to checking off the to-do list for the assignment. Sophie’s first one requires her to take pictures of the interior of the school. She knows full well she could use her press pass to take pictures of the empty hallways during school, but that would require setting a time up with teachers, which would mean talking to teachers, which required basic social interaction... which.... was not very appealing and definitely not on Sophie’s list of Things I Want To Do.

She instead decides to stay after school for half an hour and take pictures.

She’s meandering around, snapping pictures here and there, trying to find out which angles would make the pictures less boring when she’s startled by a voice.

Sophie nearly drops the camera and whirls to find a boy sprawled across the bench outside the principle’s office. It takes her a moment to recognize him, but it eventually floods her brain.

Surprise, surprise - it’s Keefe Sencen.

He’s changed a lot since she last saw him. Granted, she last saw him when they were, like, six, but she lets herself be shocked.

Keefe’s got the whole getup. Ripped jeans, black tee, jet-black leather jacket... And he wears curiously, Sophie notices, an abundance of chains. Specifically, those rapper chains that dangle around your neck.

Sophie doesn’t realize that he’s called for her until he does it again. He’s asking what she’s up to, walking around with a camera like that after school.

She doesn’t know why, but “Yearbook” stumbles out.

She is not in Yearbook. She’s in Photography - close, but not quite it.

Keefe seems to feed off of her being flustered. It looks like he seriously enjoys it. he goes on to ask her what she’s got to take pictures of

She can’t really speak when he stands, hands shoved in his pockets, looking like that, so she just... hands the list over to him.

He quirks a brow and muses about the student/faculty box that has yet to be checked and he asks why she’s saved that one, since she’s been at school all day.

“Well, I... don’t really know how to casually approach someone and ask for a picture.”

It’s true. Everyone’s moving so fast and about their day during school hours and it’s especially hard to catch anybody after school.

Keefe just shrugs. “Then, you don’t have to.”

It takes her a second to realize what he means. He’s offering to let her take a picture of two of him.

It seems like a good idea. He’s right there and she can get it done and over with, but something about lifting the camera and snapping some shots of Keefe Sencen... Having to go home and know that she has access to pictures of him that she herself got to take...

He seems untouchable, is the thing. It seems like this is something that shouldn’t be happening - like he should have shooed her off like she was some human scum. It seems like they’re on two different levels. She’s the weird kid nobody really strives to talk to and he’s the boy that everyone’s terrified and annoyed (but secretly impressed) of.

“Oh, you don’t have to-”

Keefe interrupts her to assure her he doesn’t mind. He does ask if it sounds a little too self-centered, though, the way he just offered himself up for grabs.

Sophie’s not really listening because she’s too mesmerized by him combing his hands through his hair.

She kinda just blinks and mumbles some incoherent reply while trying to set the camera up. Her hands are super shaky and Keefe notices. Sophie stiffens when he outstretches a hand and asks if he can see the camera

“Um,” she starts, forcing herself to look at him, “I don’t think I should. I don’t own this and if it gets damaged-”

“Relax,” he murmurs. He retracts his hand instantly. “I was just asking. I took photography - I’m interested what camera they’ve given you. It looks different from the one I used; which seriously sucked, by the way.”

He pauses for a second to look her up and down. It makes her squirm, feeling on fire.

“And the pictures don’t have to be of me, right? They can be of students, if I’m remembering the guidelines correctly.” He waves the paper in his hands before reaching out to give it back to her. “And you, Miss...”

When Sophie recognizes he’s asking for her name, she blushes. “Sophie.” She plucks the paper from his hand.

He gives a swirling hand gesture, like he’s prodding for more.

“Foster,” she contends.

He nods, satisfied once he has her last name. “Foster,” he repeats, then continues, “Well, you’re a student, if I do say so myself. So, that means...” He lifts up his hands, pretending like he’s holding an imaginary camera. He pretends to adjust the lens and focus on her, finger hovering over the imaginary button that would take the imaginary picture.

He smirks. “Need a smile there, Foster,” he beckons.

She’s pretty sure she can’t get any redder. “I’m not really photogenic,” she argues, reaching forward to beckon his fake camera down.

He relents and let’s his hands drop, but his smirk remains. “Sure.”

She doesn’t really know what to say after that, so she hands him the camera with a mumble. Keefe eagerly takes it in his hands (which makes her notice the rings he has littered on his fingers) and he starts flipping and fiddling.

He says some random model name to her which she doesn’t really pay attention to. She only snaps up when his meddling ends and he asks, “Hey, by the way, how’ve the group projects been going?”

His smile seems more tender. More reminiscent. There’s a teasing lilt to his voice, which makes Sophie realize he remembers her. And, in turn, he remembers those god-awful projects they were forced to endure together.

She’s pretty sure she turns redder than her rosy skirt. “You remember that?” she mumbles.

Keefe chuckles. “Remember? Can’t really forget.” He taps his temple. “Also, anything that involves a cute girl is immediately filed to the front of my brain.”

Sophie’s so struck by the compliment that she nearly grazes over his first fact. How had she managed to forget he had a photographic memory just like her?

She doesn’t quite know how to respond, but she manages to pull a smile and mumble something about needing to get to work if she wants to finish the project. Surprisingly, Keefe just smiles back and offers her the camera. She makes sure not to graze too much of his skin as she takes the camera from his hands, shaking. She thanks him and turns to bolt away as fast as her legs can carry her (because she knows she’s on fire and she knows he can see it and oh god-) when his voice slows her down.

“I’m serious about that picture thing, Foster. If you need any help, I’ve got time.”

She stops in the hallway to look at him. Sophie raises a slow eyebrow and gestures to the office. Her hand is unsteady, but she’s proud when her voice doesn’t shake. “You seem pretty busy to me.”

Keefe laughs. “Nah, this is normal. But I can find a way to make some time for you.”

Sophie’s sure he says something more along the line of, “All you need to do is ask,” but she’s pretty sure the entire world has become a blur. in a flash she’s said her goodbye and she’s speed walking out to Dex’s car (he offered to drive her home after school, that day. He does it whenever he has time, actually. They live in the same neighborhood, which is pretty convenient, given they’re best friends and adoptive cousins).

Dex can see she’s off her game, but he doesn’t delve into it. The car ride home is pretty quiet.

Also when Biana and Sophie see each other in class the following day, it’s pretty hard for Sophie to come up with an excuse as to why she doesn’t have that many photos. She promises that she’ll stay after school again to try and make them up.

She does.

And that’s when she meets Fitz.

Sophie doesn’t really know how it happened. She avoided the area she’d seen Keefe in at all costs, snapping pictures literally anywhere else she could find, but somehow she wound up outside on the curb. And somehow she ended up wandering through the mostly-empty parking lot, snapping pictures of the parking spaces that the seniors had decorated (every year the graduating class got to customize their parking spot with spray paint). And wandering through the parking lot taking pictures led to her spotting a few sleek bikes.

In hindsight, Sophie thinks she finally understands what Marella meant by “you’re smart but you have no common sense,” because she walks up to the bikes. They’re against the curbside parking spaces, so Sophie steps up on the sidewalk and begins observing the shiny vehicles.

She’s never really been keen on motorcycles (the idea of getting one kind of terrifies her) but she has to admit that they look good.

And Sophie, lacking that beautiful common sense, snaps a picture.

She barely holds back the squeak when someone behind her asks what she’s up to. Sophie turns around to meet two boys in leather jackets. They’ve both got dark heads of hair, but one is noticeably lighter. And the darkest sported silver-dyed bangs.

She’s pretty sure her insides shrivel. It’s them, there’s no denying. Her photographic memory compares Tam’s aged features with the ones from his youth, seeing how his soft face had turned to hard-and-handsome lines. And she can see the resemblance to Biana in Fitz’s equally-charming face.

(Also, the more that she thought about it, she’d actually been put against Fitz during one of the stupid elementary spelling bees. She severely prayed he didn’t remember her as spelling bee girl.)

“Sorry,” she apologizes sheepishly. She lifts the camera. “Photography. I can delete it.”

She should have asked before doing that. She seriously should have asked. She feels like she’s been caught and she’s considering turning tail and running when they shrug and tell her it’s fine. She’s pretty sure she’s dreaming when she gets asked if she at least liked the bikes or if it was just for the assignment.

She says it was for the assignment, but she does like them.

Fitz smiles at her for the first time and Sophie’s legs become jello.

Shit, how can someone look that nice while smiling?

But it doesn’t last too long because Tam asks who she is and where he’s seen her before. His head is tilted at her, dangly earrings twirling with the motion. Sophie can tell he does recognize her, at least a bit. All eyes are on her, so she feels a bit squirmy mentioning how she knows Tam, but once she does, his eyes light up and his eyebrows launch.

“Oh, Sophie. Shit.”

“Yeah,” she agrees. “Shit.”

Years later, it looks impossible to imagine that they’d ever been friends. They were so... different from each other, now.

They all start making semi-awkward conversation, discussing the school year and Sophie’s photography anything random they can come up with when Keefe rolls out of the school.

“Foster?”

She waves. “Oh, um. Hey.”

Keefe reaches his friends and his eyebrows crunch. He asks if they know her. Tam shrugs and says they knew each other when they were little, but they haven’t seen one another in years. Fitz admits Biana’s mentioned a Foster girl, but he doesn’t know her (Sophie’s pretty sure she’s dead. She didn’t know Biana talked about her at the house, even if it was something like measly dinner small talk.)

Keefe turns and grins at her, seeing the camera in her hand. “Yearbook again?”

She flushes. “Photography, actually.” Seeing his confusion, she continues, “I don’t know why I said Yearbook, yesterday. I’m in Photography, not Yearbook.”

Shockingly, Keefe just snorts. He muses that she’s something else before waltzing over and outstretching his hand. Sophie hands him the paper chock-full of guidelines again. Keefe starts muttering that she has a lot more crossed off than yesterday.

“You’ve still got a bit to go,” he points out.

Sophie just kinda nods. She’s mostly focusing on not letting her knees buckle in front of all of them. Her hands on the camera are sweating. It’s weird, how she’s managed to get caught in this situation. Everyone steers clear of these three, she knows, but now she’s somehow stuck in normal conversation with them. About photography, no less.

Keefe spots the street photography point and hums. He points to it, showing her the paper. “That seems interesting.” He meets her eyes. “Gonna take me up on my offer, yet, Foster?”

She swallows. “Oh, uh, street photography isn’t here, it’s-”

“On the street,” Keefe agrees, handing her back the paper. He shares one glance with his friends before meandering to his bike, slinging his leg over the seat.

Tam huffs a short laugh, grinning like he understands before he goes to hop on his own ride. Fitz is the last one behind, hands shoved in his pockets, just standing and smiling in amusement.

“You’re free, aren’t you?” Keefe implores. “We can make it quick. Drop you off back here - or wherever.”

Sophie chews on her lip. It is a tempting offer. She doesn’t really have a ride into the city planned, so it seems like the perfect opportunity. One quick ride, a few pictures, and she can leave. But that also means getting on a motorcycle. Which. . . kind of terrifies her.

“One ride, Foster,” Keefe promises, seeing the way she’s staring at the bike. “Does fifteen minutes sound good?”

Fifteen minutes is definitely enough time for her to get in a crash. Fifteen minutes is also definitely enough time for them to murder someone, but Sophie tries hard not to think about that.

Especially not when Keefe shrugs off his jacket and tosses it to her. Sophie catches it with a gasp, thankful that she doesn’t drop the camera. “Um,” she starts.

She cuts herself off when Fitz goes to his bike and pops open a back storage compartment. He snatches out a spare helmet, then waltzes back up onto the sidewalk next to her, reaching out his to trade the camera for the helmet.

Sophie swallows.

Seeing how nervous she is, he smiles, making a short nudge with his chin in the direction of the bike. “It’s up to you,” he promises.

“You won’t get hurt,” Keefe also assures. “You’ve got jeans on. And you wear that jacket and the helmet, you’ll be fine.”

She doesn’t like the fact that she has to take those precautionary measures in the first place. But, she guesses it’s just what one has to do. It’s like wearing a seatbelt in a car. This is the motorcycle’s seatbelt.

Sophie hands Fitz the camera and takes the helmet. She slips on the jacket, ignoring the heat that runs through her body at how nice it feels - and how Keefe looks at her.

Sophie clears her throat and puts the helmet on. Her fingers fumble horribly with the straps around her chin and no matter how much she tugs, she can’t get it right. Fitz has to come back over and help her, laughing gently. He narrates to her how to do it as he cinches it up for her with diligent fingers, smiling.

Sophie, however, is anything but smiling when he pulls away. There’s only one step left - to get on that bike with him, hold on tight to his waist, and pray that they don’t take her to some secondary location.

Sophie makes sure to look him in the eyes to know she’s serious. “You kill me, I kill you.”

Fitz chuckles. “Noted.”

#this is REALLLLY rough and just a concept #but #here you go #sokeefitz #sophie foster #keefe sencen #fitz vacker #tam song #marella redek #dex dizznee #anonymous #headcanon #kotlc headcanon #kotlc headcanons #sokeefitz headcanon #keeper of the lost cities #badboy au #kotlc badboy au

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cinnaminsvga · 4 years

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what are your favorite fics you read for every member? like the ones that resonated and left you a changed woman when you finished. could be because of characterization, or plot, or nostalgia, just the ones that come first and easy for every member, like, the iconic ones for you. can be mxm. i'm asking cause i just read worldwide lonesome and. damb. just. i kinda feel like i read seokjin’s diary or something? like it felt invasive just bc of how REAL he felt, you feel me? so. i'm curious about u

this is such a loaded ask because honestly, i had to think really deeply about this!! there are so many fics out there that have changed me as a writer and as a person in general that its hard to pick just seven... but i’m glad you mentioned worldwide lonesome because that fic is definitely!! fucking!! up there!! it might actually be my #1 seokjin fic, so you already got me there. but man... i put a lot of thought into my answer because my reading list is a never-ending pool of queerness and angstiness, as those tend to resonate the most deeply with me (since i am, after all, both queer and angsty HAHAH) so uhhh... here i go!! (also i apologize that these are mostly mxm... weirdly enough, i’m kind of more affected by those bc i relate more to them than reader inserts for some reason... the world is bombarded with hetero representation, so excuse me for clinging to my sole source of queer love lmao)

➤ for seokjin:

worldwide lonesome by loindexter [yoonjin] - i already mentioned it, but MAN... this fic left me stunned. the characterization of seokjin is what gets me the most, and by god, i am a SUCKER for coming out stories. as a closeted queer person, i’ve always wondered what other people’s experiences are with coming to terms with their sexuality, and op really hits the nail on the head. seokjin in this fic just feels... so real. like you said, it almost felt like i was looking into his diary!! it was maddening and tearjerking and oh so fucking human... you could feel his turmoil as if it were your own... and yoongi!! dear god, yoongi... that sweet fool... this fic just struck a cord with me because of how intimate and vulnerable it felt. i really hope i can write a fic like that in the future.

➤ for yoongi:

here comes the sun by fruitily [yoonkook] - this was unequivocally the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make in my life, mostly because i’ve read a plethora of yoongi fics in my day and it is quite literally so difficult to pin down a singular fic that changed me the most as a person. the reason i chose this certain fruitily fic (op will always be my biggest writing idol... if i could, i’d list down their entire masterlist as my favorite yoongi/jungkook fics of all time) because of the emotions it made me feel. there’s always something a bit sad about summer romances, and i’ve always been a sucker for that sort of trope because of the many possibilities you can do with it. it’s just... the way yoongi was portrayed here was just so darn REAL,,, you could almost physically feel his increasing want, his slow realization that yes, he does love the bucktoothed kid from summer camp. i absolutely adore the interactions he has with all the characters, because you can almost fool yourself into thinking he’s a real person. he’s a friend, and you’re watching him come to terms with what it means to love someone you only see once a year. dear lord i love that dude i’m gonna go cry now!!

(also bc i’m cheating but i also recommend the nights really were made for saying things you can't say tomorrow day by siderum... first yoonkook fic i ever read and dare i say it literally changed me as a person. there are no words.)

➤ for hoseok:

depaysement by 1honeypot (oilblotter/obiwrites) - okay i know this is fucked up for me to recommend a fic that doesn’t even exist on the internet anymore (op deleted her account on tumblr and has moved to ao3 but she’s never gonna reupload this fic again unfortunately) but MAN i still remember that fic to this day. it was so fucking GOOD and it made me realize the potential reader fics had that i never knew was possible. the entire plot was the usual make-over cliche (popular trendy girl makes the nerd hot yadah yadah yadah) that i had thought wouldn’t be interesting, but op managed to turn that trope into her own. it was hilarious, hot, moving, relatable... just ticking off every point that makes a fic great. i miss that fic so dearly and if you were some of the lucky few who managed to read it when it was still around... i think you all understand.

➤ for namjoon:

beta tau sigma by bazooka [namjin] - i cannot count the amount of times i’ve reread this fic. like, no joke, i probably memorize a few of the chapters from rereading it alone. holy fuck,,, as you can tell, i have a pattern when it comes to my fave fics and it’s all about: GAY PANIC THE MUSICAL!! yea... i just really like fics about self-discovery because MAN as a young adult traversing the mysteries of human nature and sexuality, i sincerely relate to namjoon in this fic. “am i gay, or am i just gay for my best friend?” is a question i have asked myself NUMEROUS times... dear god, namjoon is just a walking catastrophe and i!! could not!! relate!! more!! the plot flow and immersion you get from this fic is out of this world. you almost feel like you’re in the same frat as them!! i also love the way op made even the side characters have their own story arcs and backgrounds... they are what inspired me to give life to even the smallest of characters bc it just heightens the reading experience imo!! they really do feel like your friends in this fic, and this fic will always be my sources of comfort.

➤ for jimin:

darling, just say you’ll say by tusaisbts [yoonmin] - have i not sung this fic enough praises? i know it looks weird from the premise... cowboys? mail order brides? i thought it was odd at first too, but believe me when i say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. jimin’s growth as a character here left me absolutely speechless!! i just love his development: from a scared stranger dropped off in the middle of nowhere to a smart and capable teacher who can hold his own in this small rural town. i especially love how he interacts with yoongi, because op really makes you want to root for them. you want them to fall in love, to make their relationship work out. that yearning for two characters to get together is something i want my own readers to feel, and there aren’t enough words in my vernacular to explain how happy i was when everything turned out well. and jfc... rancher yoongi? got me so fucking hot n bothered and now i will forever be enamored by the thought of rugged yoongi... jfc...

➤ for taehyung (& jimin!!):

mudlands & yellow acacia by nonheather [vmin] - i remember the day i read this like it was yesterday. i had a final to study for, but instead i read this entire thing in one go and then i cried my eyes out even until the moment i walked into my exam room. i don’t know how else to describe this other than it was otherworldly. it was cozy. it was heartbreaking and magical and downright lovely. i especially loved the way taehyung was here... so fucking whipped for park jimin. he loved like no other man could, and jimin might have been a little too bullheaded at first, but they make it out okay. i’m not really one to believe in soulmates, but this fic almost made me believe they could be. it made me yearn for the first time, and i think that counts for something. to love another person and to have them love you back... op made me believe in love.

➤ for jungkook:

years since you’ve been here by ameliabedelias [namkook] - okay maybe i’m just a crybaby and i cry at every fic under the sun but dear god this fic... might be The Fic That Changed Me As A Person. like, of course the other fics were mindblowing but this one in particular... wow. trampled all my expectations and caused a garden to bloom in my heart. jungkook is so sweet, so lost... he feels too much and he aches for namjoon. i know all too well that feeling of melancholy... when you love someone you’re not supposed to. coming of age stories will always have a soft spot in my heart, because i always tend to project myself onto the main characters. i want to grow and find my own destiny. i want to learn and be happy. jungkook finds his way, tumbles and trips the entire time, but he gets there. a symbol of queer triumph.

#Anonymous #answered #fic rec

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beyondthecosmicvoid · 4 years

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"What you're talking about is manifest destiny."

"You can call it whatever you want, Tom. The fact remains that if the human race needs to do something to survive and lower orders don't have the power to stop us, we will prevail. It is not right ir wrong, it is just the way things are. You've got to stop projecting human motives and es onto other organisms. Everything is merely what it is. A mongoose that tries to steal a cobra's egg isn't evil -- it is just trying to survive. But the cobra is trying to survive too. And if it catches the mongoose in its nest, there's going be a fight. Fortunately for the mongoose, it has faster reflexes and a more efficient metabolism. Whether that's fair or not isn't event part of the equation -- it's simply the way things are."

"Yeah? Try telling that to the cobra. But for the sake of argument, we'll ignore the question of ethics. Still, all you're saying, Scott, is that it's all right to do whatever we want. To exploit any ecosystem, any species -- as long as we don't run into anything big enough to kick our butts."

"If you want to phrase it that way. Yeah. That's the way nature works."

"Sure, on tutoring disks, but not in the real world. Every part of an ecosystem is dependent on every other part. It's that interdependence that makes interfering with existing systems so chancy. Even the smallest components are vitally important."

“Who could have guessed that millions of ‘killer bee’s could spring from a handful of escaped African bees? Or that a few Brazilian fire ants could make the Southeastern portion of the U.S. virtually uninhabitable in just over seventy years? And what about the ‘oil-eating’ bacterium the gene-splicers at the petroleum companies developed to clean up their spills? Remember how they thought they had it completely in their control?”

“Come on, Tom, the oil would’ve dried up sooner or later anyway, and I hear the new repro-inhibitors they’re using are making a substantial dent in the fire ant populations. Sure, we suffer setbacks, but we’ll always find ways around the problems that nature throw at us.”

“Will we Scott? I’m not so sure, mankind never seems to learn. We get our hands slapped on a regular basis, but we still can’t seem to keep them to ourselves. The tighter the grip we try to get on nature, the more nature pushes through the cracks in our technology. And with some of the things we’re encountering in the settlements, we have no idea what kind of trouble we may be letting ourselves in for by messing around.”

“Well, so far we’ve done okay. On all of the life-supporting planets we’ve come across. The worst thing we’ve ever encountered has been the ‘blood willies’ of epsilon INDI TWO. And I hear they’ve got a vaccine for that now. If I were you, I’d put my faith in science and stop worrying about the bogeyman. And I’d watch what I said around the corporate types, Tom. All any of them care about is their jobs, and you’ll make them nervous with talk about problems that don’t exist yet.”

“I don’t care. This is my last long haul. I’m getting out while the getting’s good. All of the monkeying around the corporations are doing out in the settlements may not bother you, Scott, but it does me. We’ve had a long run of good fortune –longer than we’ve deserved there’s a major league turd coming down the pike, mark my words--- and I don’t want to be around when it hits the fan. I’m telling you, we shouldn’t be messing with mother nature. She’s a real bitch. We have to learn to work with nature. This reliance on technology is getting to be too much for me, Scott. It’s no longer a means to an end. It’s become an end unto itself. We use it like a wall between ourselves and our surroundings … between ourselves and who we really are. We’ve come a long way in the past three thousands years but I can’t help feeling that we’ve lost as much as we’ve gained.”

“So what’s your solution Tom? Give up modern convenience and go back to stone knives and squatting in caves?”

“You’re reaching for extreme again, Scott, but that just might be what it takes to put us back on the right track. And I’m not talking about austerity or deprivation. I’m talking about the challenge of putting away the crutches of our technology and going back to relying on our own strength and cunning. These days we’re so insulated that we make heroes out of anyone who dares to face up to a challenge. But it wasn’t always like that. Life of death challenges used to be an every day thing and real men didn’t wait for adventure to come to them. They rushed out to meet it not like the generals and corporate heads these days who send out the little guys to do their dirty work. It used to be that a man’s standing as a leader was determined by how he handled himself in the face of danger.”

“Yeah, yeah – very nostalgic, Thom. Very macho. But it’s not very practical in this day and age. Can you see a bunch of corporate VPs duking it out for the right be CEO? Or maybe you and me going at each other with knives to see who gets a better pilot’s rating?”

“Hey, every culture observes its own rituals for establishing status. Look at the infighting and back-stabbing that goes on at every level of our society. And we’re still fighting over the same things: property, leadership, territorial rights. The only difference is our methods have become more subtle, less direct. Somehow the old ways seem more honest.”

“You’re an idealist, Tom. What happens when the wrong guy wins? Then you’ve got the neighborhood bully calling the shots: You’re back to pack mentality.”

“There are checks and balances in every system, Scott.”

“Yeah, but your way leaves them all up to individual initiative! Without some kind of sanctioned avenue for dissent. A guy would have to be a real hero or a real fool to butt heads with the chief.”

“So? Are things really so different for us? You’re the one that’s always telling me to watch what I say around the desk jockeys. Where’s my ‘sanctioned avenue for dissent’? At least if I bust a gay in the chops, he clearly understands that I don’t like what he’s doing.”

“There you go with your idealism again. You’re trying to romanticize this into two tigers brawling to determine dominance or rights to a favorite hunting area. In the same situation humans would just kill each other. We’ve ‘out-grown’ the instinct for species preservation that prevents that in the lower orders but we haven’t truly grown into the morality that you’re so fond of citing, Tom. The society we’ve built isn’t perfect. Granted. But it works, probably more because of our level of technology than in spite of it. How many guys wouldn’t want to trade their boring, earthside job for yours: a job made possible by technology? But if you want to get back to nature, there are ways to do it. Go on one of those ‘wilderness’ safaris to Alpha C. I understand the gene-splicers now have something that almost looks like an elephant. Or, if you want real adventure, sign on for a hitch as a ranch hand at our next stop; plenty of fresh air, hard work, and not much else. Maybe that’s your idea of fulfillment. Though I can’t imagine anyone envying you the job. Me, I can get enough adventure from the vids. God bless modern technology!”

(...)

“You’re awfully quiet, Tom. What’s the matter? YOu mad at me?”

“Huh? Uh, no Scott. I was just thinking.”

“Look, I know you said it as a joke. But maybe I should go on one of those safaris or sign on as a ranch hand. Maybe it’ll turn out that you’re right, and I wouldn’t like it. But I should at least give it a try. A change of scenery might be just what I need ... Get back to the land and living things ... Get some adventure and uncertainty back into my life. Did i ever tell you that I went hunting once? I had an uncle who was wealthy. He took me qual hunting when I turned fifteen -said it wuold make a man of me. But all I could think about was how big my shot gun was, and how small the birds were. I guess I oculd understand the potential for excitement in the hunt, but for me the thrill was missing. The contest seemed so lopsided. I wondered what it would be like to hunt something that was capable of hunting me. The challenge. The Danger. To put yourself on an equal footing with nature, that’s got to be the ultimate thrill! To risk everything on your own skill and strength ... I mean, look at what we do for a living - access the computer, punch a few buttons - all of the work is done for us. Anybody could do this job, with the right training. I guess that’s what I meant by m anti-technology tirade. It’s not that technology is evil in and of itself - but once in a while we have to put it aside and do something to remind ourselves that we’re alive - prove that we can accomplish something by relying solely on ourselves. I can’t help but think an experience like that would change a person. Maybe not in a way that other people would notice, but it would be something you’d carry with you for the rest of your life.”

“I know what you mean, Tom. Kinda like the first time you get laid, right? Did I ever tell you about that? I was at this party, see, and ...”

“Oh, brother ...”

~ Conversation between Tim & Scott from ALIEN VS PREDATOR #1

^It’s this type of existentialism that makes Dark Horse comics and other graphic novels set in the ALIENS/PREDATOR universe some of the best stuff in science fiction. It has a little bit of everything. Philosophy, cosmic horror, with occasional degrees of theological abstraction.If Disney wants to add more money to their pockets and wants to be true to their motto of inclusion and so on, keep this universe. Don’t erase it. Everything that it preaches, are in these comics. Not only that, but there is also a diversity of ideas where it subtly criticizes every school of thought via different characters and storylines. These are the types of stories that attract every fan, regardless of what their politics are. It’s entertainment, pure escapism (without preaching or self-serving, shaming BS) and world-building at its finest. And it remains respectful of ALL the ALIENS/PREDATORS films, while still offering something new.

Take Tom and Scott’s conversation here. These are two space truckers, blue collar workers like those from the first ALIEN movie, that are bringing up two very interesting points. They don’t fit into any neat box we assign a certain ideology. BOTH of these guys make good salient points. There is also a reason why the first issue of the AVP series starts with this conversation of technological dependence vs the old ways that Tom keeps going back to. While these two argue to disprove the other’s point and defend their own, we catch a brief glimpse into Yautja (Predator) society. It is a violent hierarchy where might becomes right. This is the type of meritocracy that Tom keeps defending. At the same time, it is also opportunistic and more technological advance to the point that they use their technology and survival instincts to hunt other species they deem worthy. This is done at the back of other species they consider inferior or worth risking for the ultimate hunt to prove their worth. Everything that Scott defends is part of the Yautja culture -with the obvious exception of divisions and over-dependence on technology and a corporate conglomerate controlling every aspect of daily life. Then there are the Xenomorphs (aliens). They are the other that is constantly being used as a coming-of-age rite for the predators, It’s an interest dynamic which hasn’t (yet) been explored in the films. This, among other things, makes this universe one of the most fascinating in the science fiction and horror genre.

#alien vs predator #graphic novels #comics #yautja #predator #alien xenomorph #one of the best openings in comic book history #science fiction #scifi horror

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