#so much has happened and im angry and paranoid and exhausted and i dont know what to do

[0rph1x]

random fuckin life update ig idk im upset fjkashdfkj

ive had an incredibly shitty last. five days. like ive lost so much progress and i got so much worse so quick. so what if i just dont talk to anyone and stay in my room and find something to binge watch while i just sit in bed like >=[ bc im incredibly angry HKSJGHKJSHGK

[flockofdoves]

i feel really really weird this week. trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. like its certainly not the first time i’ve felt like this in my life but ive just not had my emotions so . not numbed? in so long or felt like crying totally unprompted or felt vaguely angry at random shit in a certain sort of way (which for something new then makes me feel super guilty because i used to be bad with how i went about anger and i guess i never really fully learned how to practice being normal about it i just started constantly suppressing it along with every other emotion so seeing myself angry about inconsequential shit even if im not acting on it makes me feel awful like people are potentially seeing my reaction to them when its not a justified thing even if i dont think i’m doing anything). like sure those were super normal in past parts of my life. maybe even in the context of my job which i guess i only quit just like 7 months ago now even if i otherwise felt numb through the year before that too. and not something surprising to emerge again bc it has in the past year too but just maybe not so much at once but on top of that just feel a bit paranoid about stuff like people reading my mind or bugs crawling on me (or imagining sensations like that or seeing that or w/e)

i guess in typing all this out when i think about it the one time i felt like this this past half year that i can think of (or at least pretty similar and notable in the way i felt weird minus the anger. actually i didnt feel angry til the past few days so i think thats just at like. being around someone whos made vaguely bigoted comments that i’m affected by but then feeling guilty for reading the worst into unrelated shit bc of that making me feel unsafe) is when my brothers girlfriend visited. and now this past couple weeks she visited and then my uncle visited and then my moms friend visited and in general just theres more invitations to see other people even not staying w us bc everyones vaccinated.

so i guess the biggest factor throughout all of that is like. having to get used to interacting with people that i havent interacted with much in this past over 2 years of being isolated while also simultaneously having my daily routines disrupted by that a bit?? which feels absolutely insane to me that that would have That disproportional of an effect and be something i really did not even know how to attribute at all until typing this out right now. like i really appreciate and have fun with a lot of those people its not bc i dislike them or literally anything like that i think this is just a bit of a deranged unexpected side effect of whatever fucking stage of isolation i’m at where instead of just feeling really stilted in conversation or feeling like i dont know how to normally talk to people or accidentally crying while talking to people or oversharing and being awkward like i have at various times throughout my 2 years and 4 months of isolation when i had brief periods of interacting with people i cared about and/or people around my age again, while sure a lot of that is still somewhat happening (but not the crying in conversation, that was once when i got to see friends from college once literally right before i really realized the pandemic was starting and i couldnt keep visiting after not seeing them for a year before then. i just havent seen any of those friends since)  i think its like. not knowing at all how to act normally around people but also not being as used to the people i am newly interacting with while my routines interrupted so whether i want to make a good impression around them in spite of that or am trying to be normal about feeling upset about shit people i dont know well but cant just not be around say or whatever  ig it just like. flares up my anxieties about what can tell from what i say or how theey take me and all that leads to intrusive thoughts and paranoia about not just giving off the wrong conversational things but literally people reading my mind and judging me for intrusive thoughts recursive cycle etc and all that just makes me feel exhausted and unsafe and useless and whatever etc and maybe subconsciously is bringing up a lot of reocurring emotional shit i’ve dwelled on but not cried about much at all this past half year idk. plus i’m just stressed about how much i really want to get done before starting to move and go back to school.

makes sense in explaining most of it in typing it out right now but nonetheless dont like that. isolation has had a lot of awful effects on me (literally i know i’m talking to so many other people in the world now with that its nothing special lol. ‘i was doing this for a year prepandemic’ is a stupid thing to emphasize 1 year is horrible enough and it just blends together) and i’ve long been terrified thinking about how it could be affecting me in more unforeseen and/or longterm ways but i think i was thinking i had a general sense of how my trouble with interacting with people again would manifest and i really dont like seeing that like. i literally did not fucking know how to connect my emotions and other shit recently to that til right now. better than not connecting it at all of course but i dont like it feeling so unconnected. in general have been very disconnected from emotions even outside of social interaction type stuff so of course thats something to work on too but idk just scary to realize maybe i dont even know the general shape of how my trouble “reintegrating into society” is gonna look like lol. and while i’m hoping it will feel better (but honestly probably a lot more intense emotions even if positive) with realizing this know i really even more cannot even begin to imagine how seeing people ive been close to in the past again will end up going when i get to that

[missytalks-blog]

Im just here to talk

Hi there,

I have been battling my fears lately and that is being alone in another country. Feeling helpless and paranoid that I am not welcome in this country at the moment. I left my country to find a better life for my family. I want to help them. We are not piss poor. We are not struggling. Let’s just say we’re average. My parents working til they’re 60 and still working until now, no savings because they used everything to help me and my sister. Living on pay check by pay check and wishing everyday that they get the chance of a promotion. I see my mother’s face getting defeated and exhausted everyday, fearing that money will run out soon.

I worked my ass off to graduate on a course I didn’t want to do. I chose it because I want to see happiness in my mother’s face. That someone was actually taking some responsibility to help the family. Well i thought it would be easy but i thought wrong. Going abroad is difficult. This is my first time away from home for a very long time. And yet everyday it has been a struggle. most days it has been chaos. If not chaos in reality, it’s chaos in my head. I am battling my own mind and this is because I care too much. I care about my family relying on me, I care about not offending anyone and just try to help out everyone. 

I don’t know if I care too much that I forget myself but it feels like it is not enough. I dont want to change though. Thats me. I care a lot whether  tell myself not to care, Ill still care. 

Currently it is work that’s defeating me. I love my job. I enjoy caring for people. But no matter what I do to just be cool and try to stretch my patience, some things that I cant control defeats me. 

The worse happened the other night, I had to deal with a co-worker that does not want to be told off. We are currently short of staff, and we had to do 12hr shifts. We had to arrange a roster with the boss, me and this certain co-worker present at the meeting. A roster had been done and both me and the co-worker agreed to it. 

Thursday came. We were supposed to do 12hr shifts. This certain co-worker was supposed to come in at 1900. Was a busy day. Beaten and exhausted at 1900, I thought I was already able to eat dinner and go home as I was hungry. 1930, no one came to work. Called my boss, no one answered, called the co-worker on both her numbers, was just busy beeps. I panicked thinking I was gonna do 24hr shifts now without anyone telling me. I called the boss again to arrange for someone to come in the morning as I cant really do the morning shift still after doing 24hrs. Sorted. 8pm still no sign of anyone coming to work. I was already late for the medication rounds so just went on with work again. No food since 11am. Trying my best to concentrate with my tummy rumbling, in the cold, I did work slowly but surely as I did not want to make any mistakes. Was a relief when this co-worker turned up at 11pm. Apparently she forgot that she was supposed to come in on a night shift.

She had this no worries smile on her face like it was alright to forget things. It did not bother me, but when I started suggesting she call if she’s not sure of the shift because we did agree to the roster and she was physically present when we both agreed to the roster. she even photocopied it. I did also mention that she also has the responsibility of checking the roster ahead of time. She started shouting at me..being tired and all, I also fought back and told her ‘really? you’re the one who is mad at me?’ but she kept shouting at me to leave and threatened that she will drag me out of the facility. I stood there just looking at her and nodding my head off thinking there is no talking to this woman. I did not have time for that and just left because I thought it was unprofessional to fight back and I thought turning my back to someone who is too much is better than provoking the situation. She told me to go home she didn’t want handover, you can’t really force someone if they don’t want it. So I left.    

Clearly I wasn’t meaning to tell her off, I was suggesting but maybe guessing by the way my face showed tiredness, probably she took it the wrong way. I meant to suggest, but she took it the wrong way and started shouting at me. Probably because we were both tired. I was just confirming if it wont happen again as we are doing this roster for the next 3 weeks. But I chose to walk away from a situation that I had no control over. It was her choice to shout at me and I had no control over that. I chose to walk away because that was the only way I can control myself. My reaction is my choice. Turning away is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Shouting is not a sign of strength either, so I chose to be quiet.

I felt mad that she shouted at me, I was shaking and I cried a little as I cry a lot on situations. I cry when im happy, I cry a lot when im super happy. I cry when I miss my mom. Yeah, I am a cry baby. Because that’s the only way I can show my genuine emotions. Not with talking or with actions. I cry and im still crying until now. after two days, I cant contain and stop myself from crying. I try my best to watch something funny but when everything turns quiet, everything hurts again. I feel very very very defeated now, even though I try to put a smile on my face every time. I could not eat. I tried but my tummy is refusing it. I stay in bed most of the time trying to look for comfort. I tried talking to my partner but I know when its too much for him or if he is not interested. So I stopped.

To be honest those suicide/depression hotlines are not good help either. I tried to text them because I dont like talking when im angry or crying or super down. Everything is all in my head and I prefer to type. The lady replying to my messages was not helpful, their replies were sort of questioning you if you are really in a crisis or not. I know when I call, I fear being recorded like those I watch on TV. I wanted to call but recording me invades my privacy. I know they want to help, but sometimes being recorded is not what I consent to.  

But im writing this because I am currently in a crisis. My only comfort now is watching Jeffree Star be successful on youtube and surviving his past self. I find him funny and puts a smile on my face. I know it is super low and weird, I have never watched him before until now.  and im hoping my happiness doesn’t end. But i know when it does, I dont know if I can handle it anymore.

I am turning 31 on monday and this isn’t how I envisioned my birthday to be like but now I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy and i’m treating my birthday as an ordinary day. I feel like happiness is not a part of my life. I keep chasing it but somehow the darkness and sadness chases after me and takes up a part of me. It will swallow me whole soon, and I dont know if I can bounce back. I dont have strength, I dont have anything anymore.

I want my mama.

If you’re reading this, please dont try to help me. Because all I can think about now is being a burden to someone else. I dont wanna be a burden. Id rather put myself away than be a burden to anyone else. 

[survivor-tierradelfuego]

Ep. 13: “I just want to bury my head in a mountain of blankets and sleep.” -  Sarah

Najwah

Well, that was shit. I feel as though I really tried to get Amy to vote with us but Pedro wanted to get her out so everyone just decided to write her name down too. Also, she basically used my name as a decoy too. And I used Maddison as a decoy too so she could flush Olivia's idol. It worked. I had my superidol at the ready too. I feel like this game is just going to get more insane from here on out. We are so little people in the game. So close and yet I'm content with just being here. In the final seven. This feels good. I'm glad Pedro is with us and I wish we had gotten him on board a while back. We haven't told anyone else about our idol and superidol yet. I wonder if Amy really gave Pedro the fake idol lmao that would be hilarious. Anyway. I'm just going to carry on playing I guess. Amy had crazy big plans and I loved them but I felt like her allegiance to Maddison ruined our common goal. I wish she'd just been on board with us voting Maddison like she wanted to when we voted Grae out. That's when it all started. That's when we were causing waves in the game without anyone even knowing. Sigh. I wish things could have been different. 

Olivia A

So it looks like Maddison and I got Pedro to agree to work with us!! This is very very exciting. We can get Aimee to flip easily (even though she does keep going back on that promise) and have a majority. Assuming it goes as planned, Maddison and I will then have our pick of who to go to the final 3 with (Aimee or Pedro). I have felt 100% solid with Maddison from day 1 and we have made every single decision together. I don’t wanna be at the final 3 with anyone but her.

Aimee

All Maddison had to do was play her idol on Amy and Cody would of went home. Maddison was scared that Old Hanuha was lying to me again and that those 3 were voting Maddison and Pedro and I would be left out and vote Amy. I wanted to put Cody’s down but I knew it would of been rocks, four versus four vote.

Dang I wish I would of known about the idol sooner so I could of had Old Hanuha put the votes on Maddison and get Cody out that way. It would’ve been such a huge game move for me and Maddison that would have looked super great for the jury, and if Cody left this game would be wide open again. Also it would’ve been believable that Pedro ratted the vote out to Maddison instead of me so I could’ve hid behind that too and old Hanuha never would’ve known I told Maddison the vote. But I get it and Maddison was nervous it was her. We still have an opportunity to flip this on the next vote too. It just requires Pedro and the personal connection I have with him to flip with me. He will have to put personal things aside with Maddison and Olivia if he wants to be more than fourth or fifth in this game. He knows the best he can get here is fifth with them....he even told me this straight up. I wish I didn’t have to flip because I love these people but I know that Cody Najwah and Sarah are a final 3. And I’ve been wronged so many times before that it would be a nice little treat for Ben and everyone else hahahaha. Actually Sarah flipping would be great for her own game too but I’m not sure if she is really going to do that or just is waiting for the right moment to maybe flip with me and Pedro as well. It’s interesting with Sarah because it’s almost like we are both staring at each other waiting for the other to say we wanna flip. Wonder if we are thinking the same thing and maybe planning the same moves. Wouldn’t surprise me, Casanova 👑 has a really similar game to mine, even if it’s portrayed differently.

Aimee

Also, after listening to that podcast. WHOS THE TOP PISCES NOW, ZACK! https://64.media.tumblr.com/ce6ed38bc4ad9c69ee92e5e764c19e5e/tumblr_njj8unqiGl1sqbiv1o5_400.gifv

Sarah

From three days ago but I just got it to upload.... https://youtu.be/w5g35793Bkc

Sarah

From last night... https://youtu.be/IBPzYsGfIRU  Najwah I had a brain fart at the end of that game and I said something so ridiculous. I just want to bury my head in a mountain of blankets and sleep. 💀💀 What a fun game though I enjoyed it! But... Embarrassed for life. 

Aimee

https://rainbowkarolina.tumblr.com/post/616209748381122560/ I wore my jacket looking fancy for this immunity challenge. Too bad my mood was shit. Oh well. Congrats Cody!! 🥳🥳🥳 https://64.media.tumblr.com/b1324cd7cf8c621547f61c8cb20d5fda/eaeee04a03e6c254-72/s540x810/eaf80576f97d63015f9a99cffb28fe7b46e888cb.gifv

Najwah

No ones ever going to see that video again so let's write a better confession. Here's the thing, I am playing for fun at this point. After hearing and having time to listen to Zack's podcast, I realised how intense I was initially too. How I'd do anything to win. Whether it was stay up until 6am, avoid my job, accidentally stay without food, stay in bed, not call my parents for weeks, blindsiding James just to get to merge. I no longer feel stressed and angry. One thing I liked about Zack's podcast segment was that I have a whole new perspective on a lot of things right now. I'm here, in the fucking top 7. Never thought that would ever happen. I have made friends and gained so much from this. At some point in this game you get to a crossroads and you have to decide who you are. Are you a vicious blindsiding, backstabbing bitch or do you want to see your people WIN more than anything. Tonight Cody won immunity. He fucking deserved it. I'm so happy he can go spend time with his nieces and nephews and not worry about being a target. Me? Oh I'm burning to use my damn superidol so that I can at least try to win ONE immunity.

Everyone in the game right now has won individual immunity except Pedro and I. Which is funny bc I always thought of Pedro as a challenge beast. I miss Amy. I don't like not seeing her in this game. I've been thinking about how we left things all day. Why did she want me to vote her? Why did she trick me about the vote or was that just her protecting me? Either way, we played the same game at each other as our last play. The double decoy. I don't know if I mentioned this yesterday, but Amy wanted to vote Olivia out so that we could form a 4 person alliance with Pedro and Maddison. I've never spoken to Maddison ever. And Pedro is a loose cannon. I don't see how that would have ever worked. And she said our first play would be to get the strong players out: Cody, Sarah.. Like? In my opinion Maddison is the strongest player in the game. If Maddison were at the end, I wouldn't hesitate voting her in a heart beat. I didn't get how she wanted. To hide behind Maddison forever and not take control of her own game. I didn't get that she wanted Maddison out but whenever it came down to it, she would hesitate to get her out? She's told me every one of Maddison and Olivias advantages and idols etc. She's spilled so much tea while I've never told her anything negative about the people I'm working with because I didn't want them out? Ugh. I guess some day I'll ask her. If this were a real game of survivor perhaps I'd take Sarah or Aimee out, like I'd flip on them for a million bucks maybe coz they're strong players but as long as this is an online game ima be cheering everyone on bc this game is long and tough and we have been through things together, ya know? 

Olivia A

Just talked to Aimee about flipping to work with Maddison, Pedro, and me. She said she’s in for now but still wants to talk to og hanuha people and see their plan for this tribal. She still said that she realizes if she doesn’t flip all of our games (including hers) are done. So even thought she hasn’t given full agreement, I think we’re all solid on this. We are planning to vote Sarah out. I think this will completely turn the game around. I don’t wanna think too far ahead but I’m starting to see my trajectory to FTC pretty clearly. Don’t wanna speak too soon though so if I get voted out don’t hold this against me lol.

Pedro A

trying to break the trio...have a bad feeling about this tribal ....working with maddison and olivia isnt the best....i hope they dont lie AGAIN....at this point..if i get out....they are next...so its kinda dumb to vote....BUT IF I LOSE....i will scream ALELUIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...cause damn im exhausted 

Aimee

This song is dedicated to Cody and his immunity win!!!!!🙌💚🖤 https://youtu.be/weRHyjj34ZE Sharika - Whenever, Wherever Our humor knows no distance 😻🌵🌈💞 😅I’m trying my damnedest to get Maddison and I as far to the end of this game as possible. So sorry about the confessional about me wanting the idol to work to get you out. https://64.media.tumblr.com/562258ad5eb14f6498ceff24aa8392e7/984582d2a107588c-d2/s540x810/1b6cf1576e95c3672122cfb7887ffd5a644d87da.gifv So I hope no hard feelings! I love that we can laugh over pop divas, gay culture and just life in general. 😂 We are gonna tear up the city as soon as we can hang out in person. I hope Texas and Ohio is ready for this! Olivia A

Pedro being so paranoid about Aimee’s commitment is getting frustrating. Since we brought this plan to him we’ve told him she’s 100% in she’s been talking about flipping forever and he still gets so nervous. I understand the paranoia bc it’s a big move but I wish he would listen to what we’re telling him and trust our intuition. That doesn’t really matter though bc tonight we are voting Sarah and it’s going to work! :) Oh also Maddison and I keep saving up coins to buy things that end up being nothing it’s getting really frustrating but oh well!

Pedro A

Sarrah says she wants to vote maddison...and now aimee..is trying to get me to vote...with maddison and olivia who want to take out sarah.....(i already know about the plan, i made the plan lmao)......somehow i feel like im the one GOING HOME TONIGHT

Maddison

I’m putting trust in someone that I never wanted to have to trust. Pedro, here’s to you bud.

Aimee

https://kasugano.tumblr.com/post/154832341580 Well I figured I would try! I will do everything in my power to keep Maddison here on Skype survivor island. https://rainbowkarolina.tumblr.com/post/612534208936755200/ I just keep losing one close friend after another in this game. I’ve honestly become numb to it at this point. I just see that light at the end of the tunnel. 2 weeks just 2 more weeks. I don’t plan on going to jury. I’m just so excited to finally reconnect with my people at the end. I’ll keep fighting like I’ve been doing since day 1. I feel like Maddison being voted out just kicked me into overdrive. The adrenaline is here and I’m ready for what’s to come next. This lady is strong and a fighter. https://rainbowkarolina.tumblr.com/post/613061232697753600/

Cody A

https://youtu.be/S8iY2_ho8-Y

[fixingforeverandalways]

I know you need time...

And im listening, and im hearing you. I now understand, and this was my doing and honestly it’s the least I deserve. But I miss you, and I love you on such a level it’s hard to be without you - I know the past near 11 months since we got in contact again have not all been smooth sailing, but we have had some more than good times, you’ve become my safety in a world full of so much bad stuff.

You are my soul mate, and I will forever stand by that, it destroys me knowing that I’ve put us through this and all that echos in my head is you apologising for breaking my heart, well what about yours? I seen the look in your eyes today and I know you’re hurting just as bad as I am for being away from me, it feels so so wrong to be apart but I know that you deserve the time and space to establish your own life - so do I - so we can find the perfect way to fuse our lives together and settle down properly. by choice. without any rush or stress. Honestly we both deserve that - i so desperately need the stability of my own strength and i so desperately need a support system in place to turn to when things feel low - and despite getting there without having you 24/7, you will always be and are the centre of that support system, you’re my safe haven and the person I trust the most. In your arms with your voice soothing me, feeling your toastie tootsies at the bottom of the bed - that is the core of my support system and nothing will ever change or replace the feeling i get with you.

ive just taken that for granted too much. I like to think that in time, as I prove to you just how serious i am, and just how capable I am, that you will let me be yours too - i dont want to be the cause of your pain and suffering and i simply wont be any longer. i refuse. if it were down to me we’d be in a home together, taking a few days to ourselves but knowing we have the security of eachother at the end of it. because that’s something we both need, security - knowing that the other person has us 100%, and you’ve proven yourself to me time and time again and even more so in the last two days with your honesty and openness and willingness. and now it’s my turn.

honestly i know me and I know my personality and I know my ability to overcome in situations where i risk losing something i hold close to me. Ahead of me I’ve got 7 weeks of CBT over that period will cover a range of talking therapies based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, what we do and how our body feels are all connected. If we change one of these we can alter the others. so in turn, improving the way I view situations, and improving the way i treat my body will impact how i feel and how i act massively - especially in a situation where i can often feel way too strongly about stuff.

with the idea of CBT, it works based on the idea that ‘When people feel worried or distressed we often fall into patterns of thinking and responding which can worsen how we feel. CBT works to help us notice and change problematic thinking styles or behaviour patterns so we can feel better.’ and i’m already at the point I can physically list the toxic reactions i have when i feel overwhelmed and I know some ways in which personally ive learn to avoid that happening, for example:

Explosive anger / breaking things/ slamming things - walking away to my own space, to play games or blast music or just cry. I would like to have my own little space to do this in, be that just my princess tent. It is not ok for me to react so strongly to being angry, but i do need a healthy way to vent anger as this is very much a normal emotion. 

Emotional outbursts/ crying - this is ok to do, but what’s not ok is to drag others into it. it’s ok to break down and be sad, but at this point i need to ask for comfort, a cuddle, a phone call, reassurance, i need to ASK for these things and not assume people instantly know what i need, especially as anger when crying can look a lot like sadness. and in that situation i have very different needs.

Jealousy/ insecurity/ paranoia - TALK. COMMUNICATE. TRUST. Inevitably, I can be paranoid, its arguably the most annoying symptom of them all. once someone gets a doubt in my mind i worry endlessly. by talking, communicating i can get the reassurance I need and drop it - by being open and honest and ASKING before I assume it can avoid any emotional overwhelming. as stupid and unrealistic as some things may sound, my brain will often find a way to find some logic too it no matter how far fetched, so please be patient with this as i’d rather sit down and be able to talk to you no matter how silly you might think it sounds, i dont mean to sound accusing at times i know i have done - but i need to insure i question rather than accuse in a way that isnt attacking, as to not stress or panic you. I know its inconvenient and a pain but i want to be able for us to both communicate and whilst i dont worry or get paranoid all the time, it does happen and the best course of action is just reassurance and patience, being calm with me and listening.

snapping and raising voice - this is usually the tell for any incoming outburst of explosive emotion. the typical result of so much from being tired, stressed, hormonal or simply just born from frustration.  This will happen from time to time as with any couple, however its how its handled that matters, we’re both guilty of raising our voices or snapping or coming across blunt and more often than not without really realising. It can be all to easy to get triggered by this and respond in a bad way, but this can be shut down and resolved by a simple ‘there’s no need to snap, or raise your voice’ and i know in the past that has then led to more issues, this is from me taking offence because it sometimes feels like you’re trying to invalidate my feelings and thoughts. this is my issue to work through, and learn to stay calm in situations. which this is all stuff i’ve done before, and let slip when i let my whole life kinda spiral. so its an uphill battle for sure, but its also a very winnable one.

Lack of appreciation - I’m very guilty of this, i’ve been trying more recently to show you that i appreciate the things you do but on reflection actually, it’s all the small things which actually are second nature to you that i feel i dont show enough appreciation for, making juice, making the effort to talk to me and tell me about your day after you’re clearly exhausted. there’s so many things that in just two days of not being close to you that im realising need and deserve that level of appreciation. and this comes with time, it’s so easy to forget as time passes and things become the norm that actually - it’s not the norm and it deserves thanks. This is a two way street and sometimes i feel the same, but at the same time you go more than out of your way to thank me for basic tasks like washing up, changing the bed etc.... and when i feel so low in myself that makes a huge huge difference to my day. so i recognise the importance to express thanks, but i also know sometimes its not always possible or simply gets forgotten. 

self care - This is without a doubt something which has a huge impact, I’ve been desperately clawing at life and the things i love trying to drag myself along with my hair and nails and dye and clothes, but honestly? its hard. i hate myself. i disgust myself. and you make me feel so wanted and loved, it changes everything when we’re going so well. but i know that it’s not healthy to be dependent on you like that, there’s no harm in boosting each-others confidence or making each-other feel good but the reality is for me that self care is the thing that will always give me a fighting chance at a good day. be it regular shaving/ bathing/ hair washing/ skin care/ nails it just makes me feel good. i like to get dressed up and look fiiine, but putting the weight back on has made it so much worse. I do want your help and advice about food, eating and working out and I know i often seem to turn my nose up but honestly i worry about being condescended to, its one of my triggers because no one likes to be made to feel stupid. and that’s also something i need to remember. i’ve under estimated you so much. that’s not ok though. but yes, the plan of action is to get my eating back under control (which is going good given the fact i cant keep any food down haha!) and take measures to get into a daily routine, even if i’m not going anywhere - just so when i catch a glimpse in the mirror i dont get low. my weight is a huge contributor to everything self care related, it gets me down massively and its a huge trigger for anxiety and paranoia for me when you make comments about people you see online etc about their weight or call people fat, because i worry you judge me the same way and it sounds pathetic but it does genuinely hurt because sometimes it sounds like size is a huge issue for you and it sends me spiralling downwards, but this is a trigger that needs to be made clear to you as i know deep down you’re just messing most the time. 

unfair divide in chores/ laziness - Washing up. when we progress and work through this, can we just get a dish washer? I will hand wash all my fluffy plates etc and the unicorn ones on a fair amount, for example if i use a plate and there’s one waiting to be cleaned i wont just dump mine on top for you to do, providing there’s time i will ensure it doesn’t build up, and obviously this is a habit we should both get into really to avoid any stress over the kitchen area being unclean. especially when you’re working 13 hours a day, i cant imagine i’ll be working that long of a day! so it makes more sense for me to do that when you’re out etc. 

Snide remarks - Im the worst for this. think links in massively with the snapping and the outburts. I feel at times i do this because im over whelmed, and i know this is wrong. the solution to this i feel is just pure mindfulness, and respect more than anything else. I feel CBT will help with this massively. I wish I knew more about WHY this is my go to defence mechanism but honestly I have no idea myself. 

Passing the blame/ playing victim - I feel I do this more than you, sometimes when i get triggered i feel like my reactions and thoughts are out of my control... which is just stupid. because ultimately it’s my job to decide what i think about something. end of really, it’s my responsibility and after talking i realised that by me blaming you, or making silly comments that made it feel like i was blaming you hurts you, massively. Unless your direct actions has led to something bad happening, for example if you throw something at me and it hits me in the eye and i shout oH FUCK or something, then that situation i would feel that your actions would be the reason i raised my voice for that haha :P the reality of the situation is that on a personal level we’re each responsible for taking responsibility for our own wellbeing - in the sense that while i’ve got every intention of looking after you fully, if you dont open up to me like you have recently then i dont know how to fix it and won’t be able to fix it for you and vice versa. 

Invalidation - This I think we’re both very guilty of at times without meaning to - or even noticing we do it. it’s so so important that we listen and understand each-other without judgement. I sometimes do not acknowledge how upset or stressed or tired you are to the extent i need to, i can be dismissive and selfish especially when you’re so late home from work etc.  I can get over excited and a little self obsessed to see it from your perspective. With BPD a lot of my triggers are caused by me feeling invalided like you don't understand or take things seriously when i try to express myself and it leaves me frustrated or upset, i know now that it’s not always the case and sometimes you panic and cant deal.  I feel this is something we need to work on together. and learn about each other as time passes. 

The need for reassurance/ attention/ care - Sometimes I feel like I ask for attention openly and it just kinda gets brushed off or last for a short period of time before you pick your phone or something up. When I ask for attention I mean I’d like to spend some quality time with you one on one, no distractions just me being able to enjoy you. You’ve never spoken to me about needing attention or care really so I would like you to be open with me when you need something, be that for me to help with your food, run you a bath or just get things for you when you’re not feeling so good. I do feel I am a lot needier in this sense with the whole ddlg stuff, and there’s a lot more expectation and pressure for you to care for me, but please know I am more than capable of looking after you when you need it, or simply just want it.

Sex and intimacy - This is a huge huge thing for me because for the first time in a very long time i’ve actually wanted to be physically close to another person. I dont really tend to like people touching me it makes me feel uneasy to actually wanting to be close to you feels amazing. The past few months obviously have been really bad for this, and i feel at times i’ve pushed for you to want to even cuddle or be near me. the lack of interest in me ruins that ‘you make me feel good about myself and wanted and loved’ from earlier and just fills me with safe hate like there’s something wrong with me, like im ugly and gross and you just cant stand the thought of being near me. this hurts me massively. obviously I know now that this was a direct result of everything that was going on but even now in my mind all i can hear and think about is you ‘how can you expect me to want to have sex with you when you say such horrible things’ and it’s like i shut down so much when i feel unwanted and pushed away it becomes a vicious cycle for us both. I know sex isnt something immediately on the cards etc and you need time to heal, but i think it would do us good to talk about what it means to us and stuff. and reasons why or why not we’d do that yknow? i know it’s a bit of a weird one but i feel so close to you when we do that like as weird and twisted as it sounds it feels like reassurance - at this point in my life I associate sex with love, and there isnt one without the other. so in my mind, no sex = no love so when we are intimate and stuff it relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. Regular intimacy is a huge thing, even if that’s just naked snuggles and touching yknow. 

Cuddles and sleeps - I have no complaints, just moar pls. all the time. every day. 24/7 ;p I do get though that sometimes it’s too hot to snuggle properly, but similarly to sex i feel that if i dont touch you then i’m not wanted. it might sound stupid it’s just another form of validation i guess. 

Money and savings - I don’t really know where to go with this, I find it uncomfortable that you’re still on a joint account with Jezi and are paying off finance items in her house. Personally I don’t want to make any commitments money wise until you sort this situation out which has been nearly a year long now and you said you would sort something out in December. I personally think the situation is weird and not ok. I don’t pay for Ben’s sofa, so why are you paying for hers? This is something that should have been sorted out when you left and i feel that it’s putting our life together on hold still. I don’t want to move forward knowing you’re still on someone elses joint account etc because that isn’t fair on me. I want us to work together as a team and once we take that next step to joint assets for it to be joint between US not you and anyone else. This i feel is a massive personal boundary for me. I want to commit to you and start our life, our home, our savings and bills etc together. 

Children and family - Obviously, this is a huge one and i’ve had a pretty shitty attitude to date with this and some stupid shit i’ve come out with. I think we need to draw the line with making rude or offensive comments about each-others families. See the line becomes a bit blurry when you make offensive jokes or comments about your children etc, so the expectation that others dont when you do it isnt right. I do also think we should both have a set routine and more open conversations about this. I think that effort needs to come from both of us with each others families, obviously you dont need to make effort for any of my children because they’re all furry and have four legs. ;p 

I don’t want to feel like my whole life has been shaken up, and you’ve always said it wouldnt be like that, or feel like im being pushed out because like i’ve said from the start i want a life with you - and whilst yes it fully involves luna and celestia i need your word that it wont effect the things we do together, like move in or get married or have our own family etc. because ultimately these are things i want for us in the future, sure not the foreseeable future but I DO want that life with you, and i want it to be just perfect and I feel ive spent so long trying to adjust by myself, trying to educate and calm and sooth myself with a situation that you frankly just dropped me in and left me in that it’s been a struggle. There’s a lot of stuff that I thought I felt to begin with that was just a part of the process for accepting and understanding. I love having fun days out and stuff, and I do want to be apart of their lives and make a positive impact on them and be another person in their support system, but i also need to know that in difficult situations where anyone acts up or misbehaves that you will deal with that, because it stresses me out feeling like it’s not my place to say or do anything, i just feel helpless and confused because this is a LIFE, a CHILD we’re talking about and it’s not my place to do right or wrong. it was hard coming to terms with the fact they’re not something I gave you. i wish so hard that things could have been different and a part of me will ALWAYS hurt that you gave that part of yourself to someone else and not me. but the fact is that it’s done. and there’s nothing I or you or anyone can do to change that. so it was just a case of learning to come to terms with the feelings i had about it, and process them in a way that I could move past it and get on. It’s at the point that my thoughts about everything changed completely. of course i still hate the fact its not something we share, but the reality is that if its important to you then it’s important to me, and whatever your thoughts and feelings I will do nothing other than support you in that. I think my perspective even until recently was a little limited to say the least, it felt like it was a case of me or them, and that you could only be there for either me or them in life, it just felt like a competition for you attention and love because from my experience when we have them you pretty much ignore me and give me the complete cold shoulder and im not ok with that. i know its hard for them to adjust but the reality is that if you want us to be together in the long term then sooner or later they’ll have to get used to seeing us together and honestly it’ll just become the norm if we act normal.

Honesty and openness -

Approachability -

Changes in opinion and feelings -

Worries -

Moving forward - 

boundaries on a personal level / exs/ porn/ stupid shit - I will do a whole new post on this! But it’s so important we both have our boundaries with things, or are at least aware of what makes each other uncomfortable or upset. Being aware of this will stop us triggering each other. 

dating - 

Home - 

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 2

im suicidal and i low key want everyone to unfollow and block so i can write my psycho rants in peace i honestly think i got bpd or smth. ive also checked ptsd multiple times but i dont remember my trauma and i dont have any dreams abt it since in fkn adopted. my whole life had been a trauma. 

im so fucking tired of my dad. i dont think ive gotten a single fucking apology in my whole life from him. 

when we were younger my little sister got scared and never dared to tell him when she broke or lost something cus he always made her cry. he always got soooo angry but always pretended he wasnt angry at us, but he obviously was. i used to cry too but instead i got angry because i’ve always been the problematic kid so i always started to scream at him instead. i still do cus im still problematic

one time when i was 16 i was on my way to the first party at my upper high school. i was looking forward to it so much because i suffered through junior high because of all the white rich racist snobs. i was happy bc i had finally been able to make some friends and after my parents divorce, friends were the only place i felt sade. but then dad suddenly calls me and starts to yell at me, accusing me of stealing his money (aka $2). ive never felt so betrayed and humiliated. my own dad didnt believe me. ”well your sister said she didnt, so it must be one of you two”. 

turns out it was my sister and she was too afraid to say something so my ugly fucking dad decided to ruin my whole fucking night and i embarrassed myself because i cried in public because i was so frustrated of not being believed. she admitted to mom. i never got an apology from any of them but i didnt say anything because i knew my sister was too scared. she never blamed it on me, she just said she didnt do and. and dad did the rest

one time a classmate of mine told me about her abusive dad and how he used to grab her by the neck when she did something ”wrong” and chase after her, maybe even hitting her. our dad never got physical with us but this is obviously emotional abuse. yesterday was the night i finally admitted it to myself. our dad is abusive and he’s one the reasons im so abusive myself. ive known for long, but i love him and i tried for so long. i kept fighting him cus i wanted to believe he was able to change but he’s not. he doesnt even understand. i hate him for that, i hate him for making me the monster i am today.

his first instinct is always to accuse. like yesterday evening for example where he helps me with my phone (he’s not the most technical one). something he thinks will work doesn’t work but an ”error” pops up and he immediately mutters ”what have you done now...” i get furious because i’m tired of all these microaggressions and he agitated me earlier this evening with his ignorance and refusal to change aka ”there will always be injustice and classism, why dont you become a poltician instead”. i tell him to apologize and he guilt trips me, accusing me of being sensitive, always mistunderstanding his words and now he’s ”not going to talk to me anymore” ”since he cant say anything”. i get even more angry and he tells me to shut up. it sounds harsher in swedish, so i’d probably translate it to ”shut the fuck up” instead. i walk away, obviously done with his bullshit 

emotional abuse. i could never tell him that though. i mean i could and i’ fucking did but his dumb ass never listens. not even after mom divorced him he listens. he never does. hes so ruined that he always blames it on everyone else for being sensitive. he thinks hes kind and understanding when he says ”im sorry YOU FEEL that way” because he doesnt understand its not ME or MY feelings. its me, my mom, and my sister. its a fucking fact that hes emotionally abusive, its not something we just FEEL. but theres no idea arguing with him because he will only get angry. as usual.

its gotten better through the years. not because he has learnt anything, but because we are older, not little children anymore. he’s never like this with adults. mom said it was different techniques on her, because she’s an adult and was his wife. he would probably get sad reading all of this but he wouldnt show it and i wouldnt care because he wouldnt apologize and he wouldnt understand. thats his weakness and that will be his doom. 

nothing ever changes in this family. my dad keeps being an emotional abuser while im the only one saying something. my older brothers left me and my little sister during our parentes divorvve. my little sister is always the quiet one while im always the annoying aggressive one. im always on my own fighting. but i never get any appreciation. no one asks me how i am feeling. my sister never asks me, never hugs me. i know she loves me and i hope shes thankful for always standing up against our dad, always protecting her ever since we were kids. i know she doesnt like my ways all the time, that she dislikes when im fighting and yelling but at least i do something. the only one listening is mom but we fight too sometimes. i just wish i wasnt so lonely. me and my closest to age brother could maybe talk, could maybe be closer if he didnt betray us, betray ME like that. ffs he was 21 when they divirced. a grown ass man. i was 11, i was going through another abandonment. i lost everything. the money, my parents, my family. everything i was proud of and thought was safe. we could maybe talk if he wasnt so uncomfortable and unserious. i know he talks to mom and i know mom, me and him are the only one thinking in this god damn family. but he left me. i wish my sister could give me some love. i know she cares but she never shows me. i love her the most in our family. we’re the only chinese adoptees and i feel like i need to protect her. i try not to cry in front of her but i just wish she could give me something. i know theres nothing i can do about it. i tried to pressure her when we were younger but she only withdrew even more. i was always the one trying. im always the one trying, speaking up. im always painted as the problematic unstable one but i’ve gone through the most shit in this family. i came as a crying and screaming baby. i was afraid of everything, always crying. and thats what i’ve always been. always the crying one, the one who cant control her feelings. always the lazy one because ive been to scared to try things. no one appreciates me. im not perfect and i hate myself for it. im paranoid and i have abusive tendencies. i got major abandonment issues and i used to text people a lot. i dont do that anymore. i never answer anymore because no one cares and im too scared of making new friends.

i know im not perfect but i also know my bf would miss me if i stopped texting him. i know my sister will miss me when i move away. she will never stand up against dad and a part of me wants to stay protecting her but im tired. i dont get anything. never a thank you. never a nod. i dont know how she feels. i only from what mom tells me. she never joins me or helps me. only when its herself. ONLY when its about her. she never takes my side. i never blamed her for it. i always blamed dad. i hated my vrothers for leaving me, but not her because shes my baby sister. but im tired. im exhausted and i never get anything. my family abandoned me so i invested in friends instead. they could be my third family. but they abandoned me too. my issues got in the way and they abandoned me. at the same time i went through an abortion at age 17. my mom abandoned me because of her own mental illbess and my boyfriend abandoned me because of his cowardness. at the same time i had the biggest indentity crises and i started to miss my own mom, my actual mom, like crazy. no one was there for me. maybe my adoptive mom tried her hardest but she’s white, she suffered from PTSD for 7 years herself, she wasnt like dad, but she wasnt enough. no ones enough. no one can save me. no one can save me. not even my beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and who i’ve been a total fkn abuser to. no one can save me. my mom got surprised when we watched a documwntary about killers and i said i think like that. i feel like that. i feel like that could be me. she said ”not could you have killed anyone” but ive wanted to. ive dreamt about it. ive wanted to kill everyone on this earth. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone i hold dear. and when people say ”those abusers and nasty murderers deserve no love. they’re lost” i feel like murderering them extra slow. no one ever loved me. i was never loved. i came here only to serve as a child to a middle class white western couple. no one cares about my mother. no one cares about me. my trauma was only me being difficult and me being difficumt was only bc of what happened in china, never bc of what they did. white people are never weong. the damage adoptees go through is only BEFORE the adoption. never after. white people are perfect. so perfect people want more to adopt us. cus we’re only dolls to you. we’re just children you can send back and forth. no one cared that i was all alone my 2 first years. that i was shipped back and forth like a toy. no one cared about me when they placed me in sweden, the whitest country next to our neighbors, denmark, norwat and finland. no one cared about me when they placed me in a family that would divorce. where the mom would get ptsd for 7 year, not work and no money. dad is emotionally abusive and emotionelly inaccessible. no one cared about me when i missed my mom. when i started to read about racism and sexism and colonialism and classism. no ones ever cared about me and im tired. no one can save me. ive been fighting my whole life. ive been fighting for basic things like love and safety. im never loved. im never safe. im always fighting, always chasing something i’ll never get

i remember when this was everday. when i felt like this everydsy and thought i would die everyday. the only one by my side my boyfriend who i am incapable givning the love and appreciation he deserves. i dont want this to come back. tomorrow i’ll be fine. tomorrow everything will be forgotten. my dad will never ever applogoze for anything. my sister will never ever give me any kind of love. everything will be normal tomorrow but nothing will be solved. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im doomed. i will never escape these thoughts and feelings. im doomed to suffer. no matter what i do, no matter how much i try its always weong. no one cares. im so lonely. i miss my mom. i wish i was aborted or that i could stat with her. even if i was unhapoy with her she’s at least be my real mom. at least i’d commit suicidw like a normal person. i dont feel like a normal person. i feel like a demon. i feel like a monster.

im very very suicidal right now. i always feel like i have to threaten with suicide but i know no one would care. and that sucks. ive thought about faking my death but my dad is so abusive he’d just get mad at me. so i just couldnt help myself cus i had a big ass anxiety attack so i straight up told him he he wouldnt care if i died. he didnt. he shut the balcony door. so i panicked even more and screamed when i commit suicide he will regret himself, he will regtet. when i commit suicide it will be his fault. no reaction. he was embarrassed. he said ”i dont want the neighbors to hear when youre so sad and angry” so i literally throw a pillow over the tanke and break something and i automatically get scared and then to my room to call mom and i scream so much. i feel like im dying.

i guess i feel better now or whatever cus i was able to talk to my mom but wow our dad is really fucked up. i hate that i cant get people to live me in a healthy why though. i always have to do smth dramatic like killing them or treathening with suicide. but the very fact that i had to go that far for my dad to come and give me a weak hug and after another 5 minutes arguing say ”sorry” cus he just ekot saying ”i usually apologize” and ”i already said that was dumb of me” but literally cant say s-o-r-r-y makes me SO ANGRY. i shouldnt have to commit suicide for my family to care

after everything ive done for my sister and show never gives me any love. after everything ive been through. im standing up against our dad for her too. ive always done. because ove always been the angry kid. always always, and she’s always been te quiet kid. ive done so much for her, ive protected her so much because i know she’s scared of him. i know she’s scared of me too. but she never asks me how im feeling. she never says she loves me or qppreciates me. no one does. she can tell our mom she appreciates that i stand up but never tell me. and NEVER side with me against dad. im always aloen and im so weak and tired. im only doing this because i already have the label as an angry kid. 

i was angry when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time. i was angry and anxious because ive been abandoned multiple times’ and had to deal with these white foreigners i didnt understand. and my mom left me for dad to take care of. she felt like a bad parent and let dad raise me like the unstable psychopath i am today. he always seemed to blame me. theres a reason i feel like the angry annoying kid and that i have no self esteem. it must be from him. probably my whole family, but mainly from him. i was angry when i was adopted, i was angry when my orents divirced, i was angry when i reqlized what a horrible colonial practice international transracial adoption is. all for both me and my sister. because i love her the most in this fucked up family. cus we’re the only chinese adoptees

i hate that i want to revenge through suicide. i hate that im so unhealthy and that i had to go through all of this. i hate all those fucking ”good ppl will not let themselves get broken, they will be kind” fuck you ive been fighting my whole fucking life. these are the quotes that triggers me enogh to kill somebody. ”youre just as bad as your emotionellt abusive dad, as the white pol, the rich, the men who exploited you and separates you from your mother and left you with mental illness and issues that make you uncapable of being loved”

the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me aliev is the thought of being able to avtually help people with my story or knowlege. to help other adoptees or fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. no one ever needed me. no one ever wanted me. ive always been the only one needing them. the only way for me to heal would be to help others so i can forgive myself. i hate my dad for fuxking me up even more than necessary. i was boound to get these issues sooner or later but the manipulation and absue he gave me will i always hate him for. why did i turn out like this but not my sister? why didnt my sister become a monster like this? and what hurts the most is that i was once proud of my family and my dad. i love him and he took care of me the most. the reason he gave me these fkn issues