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qitwrites · 3 years

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It isn’t unusual to see Uraraka in the gym. It isn’t unusual at all to see her going at it against a punching bag, striking it with ferocious jabs and strong kicks, well-paced and well-timed. It isn’t unusual in the least to see her wearing sweatpants and a sports bra, hair pulled out of her face as she sweats it out alongside her classmates.

It is unusual to see her face scrunched up like she’s on the verge of tears though. It makes something in Midoriya’s gut clench unpleasantly.

‘Hi,’ Midoriya says, wiping away the sweat on his neck with the bottom of his tee shirt. Uraraka simply nods, but her eyes don’t leave the bag. She does a one-two combo move, the bag making a satisfying thump with every hit.

‘Are you ok?’ he ventures, crossing his hands over his chest. He keeps his eyes trained on her face, and his gut twists when he sees unshed tears brimming in her big, round eyes. Uraraka wipes at her face with the inside of her elbow before she goes back to the bag.

‘I’m fine,’ she bites out between clenched teeth, and Midoriya knows she’s not okay. He decides not to push it too much though, instead moving to stand behind the bag and hold it steady for her as she pummels it. He can feel the force of her punches through the material, and her face continues to twist and contort till there are tears running down her face.

‘Uraraka,’ Midoriya finally murmurs, voice low, ‘are you hurt?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘You’re crying, you’re not fine-‘

‘I said I’m fine! Leave me alone Deku, just- I’m fine.’

The last time Midoriya had a gut feeling like this, he’d left Iida alone after his brother got hurt and nearly lost him. The last time he’d let his guard down, Bakugou had been kidnapped from right under their noses. And the last time he hadn’t fought to understand, he hadn’t persisted in his efforts, he’d let go of Eri and allowed her to be in harm’s way, an act he would never, ever forgive himself for. So now, Midoriya has a bit of an issue letting go.

‘We don’t have to talk about it right now,’ Midoriya grunts as Uraraka kicks the bag hard enough to jostle him. ‘But you have to talk to someone. Please don’t bottle it in, you know it’ll only get worse.’

Uraraka stops punching then, chest heaving as her eyes find Midoriya’s, and they’re filled with a plethora of emotions- pain, anger, embarrassment, rage, and so much sadness. They look defeated.

‘I am fine!’ Uraraka growls, thumping both hands against the bag. ‘I am fine because I have no choice but to be fine! Because the moment I stop being fine, I will lose. So, all I can do is punch a bag, shed a tear or two in private, and move on with my life because this is a battle I cant lose.’

‘You don’t have to fight anything alone Uraraka, you have all of us.’ Midoriya gestures at the gym, littered with some of their classmates. It’s not packed to capacity, but there are people around, their good friends.

‘I do have to fight this alone though. And I certainly can’t fight this with you.’

‘I don’t understand what you’re talking about. Please talk to me Uraraka, tell me more.’

‘There’s no point Deku. It won’t change a damn thing.’

‘But I want to understand anyway! Just humor me.’

Uraraka barks out a laugh before staggering away from the bag, her body angled towards Midoriya.

‘Fine, you wanna know so bad? Ok, let’s talk.’

She starts unwrapping her left hand. ‘Did you know that for every article or piece of news that goes up about my heroic deeds or my fighting, there are 8 others that talk about my measurements, which colors suit my skin tone, why I am in desperate need of losing weight, or something along those lines?’

Her right hand continues to methodically unwrap the tape with trembling fingers. ‘Every news channel I go to, no matter where, I have to read about how a female heroes’ love handles were showing while she was taking down a villain. Or how someone’s hair wasn’t perfect while they put their life on the line to do their job. And do it damn well.’

She finally finishes unwrapping one hand. ‘And did you know, that for every article written about your heroics, or Bakugou’s, or Iida’s, of which there are so many more than our female classmates’ by the way, there’s maybe 3 articles about things that don’t concern heroics? And they’re always respectful, not too invasive, somewhat curious.’

Uraraka moves to unwrap her other hand, but her fingers are shaking so bad, she can’t even find the end. Midoriya finally stumbles forward and pulls her right hand into his own, unwrapping it gently. He gives it a firm squeeze, urging her to go on.

‘I know the advice- stop listening to the tabloids, let it roll off your back, it’s not important, it’s not relevant. And I get that Midoriya, I do. I will continue to do my job. I will continue working towards being a hero. I will always do my best to save lives and defeat villains and keep everyone safe. I will.’

Her voice cracks, ‘But I also get tired, you know? I get tired of seeing people talk about me like I’m not even a person. I am so tired of seeing the female heroes objectified all the time. For them to be glorified for their looks alone and not their skills. We’re saving lives too, we’re not here to look pretty. We’re here to kick ass.’

Midoriya finishes unwrapping her hand but doesn’t let go, holding it lightly between his own. Uraraka stares at their hands and continues, ‘I want to be taken seriously. I work just as hard as you guys, and I want to be awarded that same respect but I’m not. And I don’t get to say Hey I’m tired today, if someone is disrespectful or puts me down because I’m a female hero I’ll let it slide because every time I do that, we take 3 steps back. I have to fight this fight all day, every day.’

Uraraka pulls her hand away and sinks down, resting her head on her bent knees. She slowly turns to look to the side, and she has a faraway look in her eyes.

‘I have been stared at since I was maybe 10 years old. And it’s not just me, it’s all girls. All women. We’re just stared at. Doesn’t matter what we wear, what we’re doing, where we’re going. I’m stared at. I could be in uniform, could be dressed to go to the mall or enjoy a day at the beach- I will be stared at. People, and men especially, look at me like I’m a piece of meat. I can feel it on the back of my neck, and yes, I can protect myself, but that fact that I even need to, why is that ok?’

Uraraka finally pauses, inhales deeply and a few more tears slip out.

‘I am tired, Deku. I am so tired. And I will continue to fight this battle, I will continue to stand up for Momo and Tsuyu and Mina and Hagakure and Jirou. For all the female heroes. For all women, everywhere. But I am tired of having to fight that battle in the first place. I’m just a little tired today. That’s all.’

Uraraka exhales deeply, and her entire body deflates. ‘I want to be able to walk out on the streets without my guard up because I’m a woman. I want to walk around wearing what I want and not have to worry about catcalls and judgement. I want to exist without the need to be perfect because when I’m not, it feels like I’m letting so many people down. I just want the freedom to exist as a human being, the same freedom so many take for granted. I want to talk about it, I want all of us to fight for it, I want to achieve it so someday, a little 10 year old girl can walk to her convenience store and not worry about the old geysers around the corner leering at her.’

Midoriya doesn’t move to interrupt her, not once. He listens, he absorbs, he aches. Because he knows- everything she says is true, and he can’t relate. He doesn’t face the same treatment. Granted, he faces his fair share of criticism, but his hero persona Deku does. And it’s usually for the way he fights, how reckless he can be, or sometimes how silly his bunny ears look. But never about his body. Never about his personal life. Never about his measurements, at least not in a sexual way.

And Midoriya has never been stared at, especially in a way that makes him feel small or hunted.

When Uraraka makes no move to continue, Midoriya sits on the floor, legs crossed and hands resting in his lap.

‘What can I do? How can I help, if at all?’

Uraraka mirrors his position, and for the first time since he spoke to her that day, there’s a ghost of a smile on her face. It’s a genuine one too, soft and barely there, but honest.

‘You’re a good guy,’ she says, smiling a bit wider. ‘You’re kind, you’ve never made me feel small or objectified or anything. And you don’t speak that way about other people. You speak in terms of strength, and you acknowledge everyone, regardless of gender or other parameters. You’re doing good.’

Uraraka looks to the side, and Midoriya follows her line-of-sight to see Bakugou doing crunches while Kirishima shouts encouragements at him.

‘In an ideal world, people would think more like Bakugou did during the sports festival.’ When Uraraka sees the expression on Midoriya’s face, she bursts out laughing.

‘I’m not saying we need more Kacchans around Deku, don’t worry,’ she reassures him, still giggling. ‘I’m saying he didn’t hold back; despite the backlash he was receiving. He did his best against me because he knew I was strong, and he took me seriously. We need more of that, of being taken seriously, of being on the same ground as all of you. That’s what we crave- being acknowledged as equals.’

‘Uraraka, what’s wrong?’ Iida says from somewhere behind Midoriya. Uraraka quickly rubs at her eyes, trying to get rid of the tear stains.

‘Nothing, nothing,’ she murmurs, shooting Midoriya a look. ‘We were just talking about some stuff.’

Tsuyu sits down beside Uraraka and pulls her into her side. ‘You need anything?’

‘This is good,’ Uraraka says, leaning her weight into the frog hero. Tsuyu tightens her grip protectively, and the girls speak to one another in low voices.

‘She’s fine,’ Midoriya says to Iida as he stands up. ‘We were just talking about how differently we experience the world as male and female heroes.’

‘Ah,’ Iida says, voice subdued. He pushes his glasses up his nose. ‘I’ve read the statistics, it’s honestly disheartening. The number of female heroes ostracized from the hero community for absurd reasons, the number of hate crimes committed against them, it’s outrageous.’

Midoriya doesn’t even realize he’s gone into one of his mumbling rants as he says, ‘Is there anything we can do, like right now? How can we make a difference in the position that we’re in? We are still quite a while away from being pros. We do have licenses though, and we are known in the community. We also have students from affluent families that could help make a difference. But tackling the media is always a delicate matter and-‘

‘Start by taking steps yourselves,’ Jirou says, placing a hand on Midoriya’s shoulder. ‘Of course, all of what I’m about to say doesn’t really apply to you since you do it anyway but speak of us the way you speak about your male counterparts. Treat us with the same respect. Talk about us like we’re human beings with feelings. Just- it’s so systemic, all our biases and all our assumptions and how we treat and view women in society as a whole, so change will take time. We just have to take it one step at a time.’

Jirou takes her hand off Midoriya’s shoulder and shrugs, ‘We don’t want to be coddled, we don’t want special treatment, we don’t want any advantage or upper ground. We just want to level the playing field.’

‘In the meantime, when one of us is tired of fighting the system,’ Tsuyu says, getting Uraraka to her feet, ‘ice-cream and some queer-eye can’t hurt anyone, kero.’

That gets a smile out of Uraraka and Midoriya. The group slowly makes their way out the gym, nudging each other and cracking silly jokes. Jirou confirms that there’s 2 tubs of ice cream in the freezer, and Iida offers to make them popcorn even though he isn’t personally that fond of it.

There’s an unpleasant clench in Midoriya’s gut, but that’s ok- identifying the problem is the very first step towards fixing it.

And when he looks around him, he thinks they have a pretty good shot at getting it right.

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lastcrystalwitch · 3 years

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4/11/21

Curbing frustrations due to stopping smoking, *I am constantly reminding myself to be a decent human being, and be decent to others. Its been a while since I stopped smoking. But this is the first time I did so willingly.

I had my heart broke. A close friend of mine turned out to be an enemy. Someone who didn't believe in me from the beginning, lied to my face countless times that I am just finding out about, and told others bad things about me. All I can do, and all I could ever do, however, us just accept this distrust, because that is the person that they want to be and I cant change that. I can only just keep being myself, wishing good for everyone and understand what it is that makes me tick, and focus on my needs. I spent a year and a half doting on that person, taking care of them, bringing them gifts, and trying to make them smile when most of what they did was talk bad about me behind my back, lie to me, and prove to me that they don't respect me, don't care about me, and they are stuck in a childish mindset.

Honestly early drug use in young teens prevents their brain from developing. So perhaps that's the case. You're a lost boy from neverland. And If you want to grow up and stop acting spoiled and entitled, and super selfish, you'll have to try harder than everyone else. But small steps first starting out.

Spirit told me not to burn my bridge with you. That you will grow up, that you will learn, but only after you lose your entire family, people disown you because of your cowardly negligence, and you lose everything. I don't keep liars as friends. And I should have been more careful. They say love is blind. But only the ancients understood it fully. This is why I still love you. I see you for you, and not what everyone else sees. Let me explain.

There are many forms of a persons soul. Spirit, soul, essence, and physical outer spirit, what you show everyone else, are all radically different things.

To help explain this a little bit I borrowed the following list from Wikipedia, which does a fair job at explaining most things. However, there was an exceptional volume written by one of my favorite authors so far, in the early 1800's - and his name unfortunately escapes me. He was a scholar, professor, archeologist, and preserver of ancient history. He had traveled to many many sites from ancient cultures, mainly Egypt, and it is because of his work as a linguist that we were able to get this list together to help others understand there is more to a person than just their spirit and their soul.

1Khet (physical)

2Sah (spiritual body)

3Ib (heart)

4Ka (vital essence)

5Ba (personality)

6Shut (shadow)

7Sekhem (form)

8Ren (name)

So, each one of these is its own separate element that makes up a person. And in this book from the 1800's, the one that escapes my memory - he goes into each of these, and If I am remembering correctly, this is not an exhaustive list; there are more elements to a person. But he goes into each one and breaks it down. I can do my best to explain these, but I feel like I wouldn't do half as much as a good job.

But when I look at a person, I don't know if it is my vision, but I don't see someone's KHET. I see their "ihb", Thier "Shut", and their "Ka."

But that is because as someone who was constantly bullied in my life, by all types of people, beautiful people, ugly people, faking nice people ... I don't look at the way that they dress, or how skinny they are. That is the least important part of a person. The most important part of a person is the part that they show to no one when no one else is there, how they interact with strangers, and how they interact with animals and their environment. Spencer might have broken my trust, but I see his KA, I've always seen it. And his Ka is beautiful, RARE, and so strong. He asked me what I see in him. Many people have asked me what I see in him. He has broken BA, and a very interesting Sekhem. He hates his own Ren as much as I do, and opened up to me as to why. And I know he wasn't lying about that. I enjoy his company because I see who he wants to be. And I see his Shut, (shu*ot) or his shadow. But behind every Shut, there is a light side. And he has the capability to become one of the most successful and influential people I know. He has endless potential which he hasn't even scratched the surface with, and he can change so many peoples entire lives, and doesn't even know it yet. I love his Sah, which isn't easy to explain to someone who has never heard these terms before.

And without which is why I see lots of growth needed for him to do. And he'll get there. It might take him 20 years to stop being afraid of himself, and I say that with so much love. Afraid, not calling him a coward, he is very brave, but he runs away in fear of getting hurt, and in fear of people letting him down, like so many people have done so many times in the past. Your Ka is beautiful. One of the most rare and strongest I have ever seen. As shocking of a presence as being very tall. Someone with a beautiful Ka will always influence others. Always draw attention. They are so rare and unique of a person that instantly others are attracted to them. Instantly they get noticed.

You know what is cute? Someone so tall trying to be invisible. ^-^

They are able to be someone that others depend on, feel safe around, and look up to. People want to be around others with a Ka like that. Always. Even when you're feeling blue. Because when that Ka feels better, when its not sad, when you get out of your comfort zone, set a goal for yourself and get it done, the sun comes out of the darkness. And that Ka starts emanating happiness. People with strong Ka's are like superweapons. They can be the back bone of families. Someone who everyone loves and cherishes. I don't think they know it, but that Ka is the most beautiful part of someone. And it drives me insane to think that he doesn't even know his own worth!

I forgive you for lying to me. I don't accept it, lying isn't good. But I understand why you did it. They were selfish reasons, and I don't use the word selfish in a negative way. Selfish in the fact that you were just looking for a way to get what you wanted, to make yourself happy. So you could have fun, enjoy the day, and smile like you do sometimes.

But you are still a child when it fully understands what it is that makes a person happy. And that's not your fault. You never learned the secret. No one told you because it doesn't exist in your family. It doesn't really even exist in mine, its something that I had to figure out and struggle through myself growing up, and dedicating 15 years to bettering myself and doing everything I could to become the best version of myself;

In order to be happy with the decisions that you make, in order to feel comfortable with you decisions and be proud of yourself, you have to know yourself. When we spend so much time hiding and looping pain around in our heads we spiral down into a circle that never ends. This leads to depression, drug abuse, alcoholism, lying to your friends, lying to your family, and lying to yourself. You'll look in the mirror and not know/not like who you are. To not know yourself.

Take time to practice healthy practices for you. Become an adult. Become who you want to be. You say you wished she'd come out of the blue and make you be someone who you wished you were: Someone confident. Someone happy. You wished you were okay. You said that she'd come into your life and make you stop drinking, stop doing all the drugs.

Be careful what you wish for, Giant. She came into your life. She adored you. She tried to show you how to love. You pushed her away, thwarted her efforts to help you, shamed her, disrespected her, hurt her feelings, tore her soul, made her spend entire nights crying over you and your decisions. She just wanted to trust you. And you broke that trust. YOU destroyed your relationship with select few who really were expecting great things from you.

Because you still need to learn. You still need to try. There is a point, and it is possible. Everything that you want, you can achieve. The only person who is stopping it is yourself. Grow up.

I see your pain. You can't understand that because you can't empathize with others like I can. I know your heartbreak. I can say that because I have a very big heart.

But seriously, grow up. Set a goal. Get it done. You're sitting and rotting in your own filth and its no ones fault but yours. You can blame anyone you want to. Anyone. I can think of seven people you'd probably blame instead of yourself.

Take responsibility for your actions. This is a part of growing up. Accept that you made a mistake. Say your sorry, and try again. When you do something wrong, admit it. When you go out of your way to hurt someone, tell yourself that it is bad. Be a god damn decent human being and the world will be yours. Stop living like a pathetic thief. You're better than that. You're stronger than that. I see your Ka, and I believe in you. Seriously, stop your shit. Just stop. This is bigger than your deep seeded sadness. This is about the rest of your life.

I can't force you to change. You'll either change, or stay the same miserable self you are and end up being hated and shamed by everyone in your family. But its up to you. Its only up to you. She came into your life. You got what you wished for. You had the lock, and she had the key. But you have to be the one that turns the key and opens the door to your own success and future. Sometimes you have to help yourself. Sometimes you have to do things for yourself.

I know you can do it. I believe in you. But it doesn't matter what I say or think, or how I feel. You'll never see it that way, unless you grow up and get your head out of your ass. <3 Be a man, know yourself. Learn what it is that makes you tick. Stop the drugs. They're just a guaranteed trip to self sabotage and unhappiness. Seriously dude, you're going the wrong way on that, and I CAN SEE. So I'm giving you a heads up. It doesn't make you feel better

STOP LYING. Mostly stop lying to yourself. Drugs don't solve anything. What do they make you do? Well, they mess up your kidneys, which always hurt and only feel better when you apply pressure to them. You're rotting your kidneys. You've only got two, and a rare blood type, so the more you drink and the more you do drugs, the higher your creatinine level will be and it becomes like a cutter. You are injuring yourself to the point of self harm. And you do it deliberately to TAKE THE PAIN AWAY.

I know this because I can see your spirit. And there were so many conversations that we have had. So many that I know you don't remember. And after finding out how much you lie, I can't believe all of it anymore. I can't trust you. YOU DID THAT. No one else. And it sucks, but even behind all the lies, the Ka was still there. I could feel your actual hurt as my own, so those 5am talks we had, all those conversations, and the times that you were there for me, weather you were to blind to know that you were there for me and if you even realized it or not, I just want to say thank you.

Thank you for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and hanging around me sometimes. Thank you for sitting with me on the couch, while I cried because my soul hurt and the world didn't make sense. Thank you for showing me what a kind person and loving friend you actually really are, even if it is hidden under layers and layers of pain and guilt and self loathing. Thank you for letting me get to know a little bit of you, and thank you for making me smile when you know I didn't feel good. Thank you for making me laugh when things were getting too serious. Thank you for sharing your joy with me in my life. You don't know how many times you made me feel better just by being able to forget about all the worlds problems and sing in the car. Thank you for saying things without saying them, and showing me that you are so genuine and unique, there really isn't anyone like you in this world. You are super special, and you've literally saved my life the night you let me come into your room and sit there and watch the fishes. You don't know how much pain I was in. And you were there for me. You helped me not end my life that night. I only walked away with a couple scars. YOU HELPED ME. YOU did. Just by letting me in. We didn't talk. I couldn't. I was crying too much and my Ba and Ka were in absolute shambles. You didn't do anything except be in the right place at the right time, but your energy, as confused as it was at that time, helped me know that I wasn't the only one alone and suffering. And it was okay. and YOU had given me another reason to keep breathing. You'll never know how much you mean to me. Thank you for what you have helped me though.

I hope you can learn and know the Wisdom, not knowledge, that you can do anything you set your mind to, if you want to. I have proved to myself and to you, that you are the only one that is making your life miserable. I have done everything for you. And unless it is served to you on a silver platter, you reject it. You are the only one stopping your life progress. And you've convinced and lied to yourself so much about it that somehow you actually believe it is true.

I wish you could see through my eyes.

Even better, I wish you the courage and strength it takes to change you life and want to succeed better. Because you have all the tools. Shit, I gave you EVERYTHING. The only excuse is yourself. You are what is stopping you.

Life goes on. We never forget them. But we have to live our lives. They forced themselves to be a memory. Force yourself to live. Go live out your own story. Stop lying to yourself. Your a fricking great person! You lie, sure. You manipulate, sure. But I see you! That isn't who you want to be and the time in your life right now is merely a stepping stone for all the endless things that are out there. There are layers of things that you don't understand. I'm not trying to be mean, but trust me when I say there's a lot out there.

Maybe someday we will meet again when you turn into an adult. Because right now I see you as a boy. There is so much out there to look forward to. There are SO many fun things out there in different cultures. You have a journey ahead of you, and I just wished that I could have been part of it with you.

I forgive you. You really really hurt me. And it absolutely is your fault and no one else. But at the end of the day, its You who has to live with who you are. And you can CHANGE and Grow. I have all ready seen the person you are 20 years from now. And you wouldn't believe it if I told you. Rv's, dual citizenship, backpacked across the grand canyon, visited MT St. Helen, been to Yellowstone 3 times, had lots of fun there with friends. Married, divorced. Someone who is comfortable in his own skin. Someone who doesn't feel the need to impress everyone, and who is happy. Someone who has become comfortable in his own skin. Someone who doesn't get offended by what other people think.

In 20 years I see you happy. I see you deciding you're a product of your environment and you wanted to change because everything is not set in stone. Its just what you knew. Past tense.

You can learn from your mistakes.

Just because you've never won the lottery, doesn't mean its not possible. People are winning the lottery all the time. There is hope. Just because you have never felt comfortable in your own skin doesn't mean that its not possible. It just means that you can experience it, and LIVE it, and KNOW it, for the first time, and for the rest of your life.

In 20 years you have more money than you know what to do with, and you have your own place, and like 3.5 cars, 2 that run 2 that don't. Projects. You have goals. You have your own family. You have your own life. People look up to you. You smile more. Your mouth doesn't hurt anymore because you stopped saying, "It doesn't matter." Instead you say things like, "Its possible."

But you have to try. And you have to keep trying.

But first you have to stop with the drinking and stop with the drugs, because you're literally hurting yourself and everyone around you, and you are going to be the only reason that you end up alone and unhappy. The truth hurts. Just like when I found out how much you really did lie to me, after I really didn't deserve it. I did everything I could to help you. I spent hours doing paperwork for you to help you get free dental, researching schools for GEDS, looking at loan and credit repair options, screening background checks to help you find out if you were really hung up locked out of states and not allowed to come back. You're actually not banned from Florida or Texas. There are no warrants out for your arrest by the way, because you never actually did anything super terrible. Otherwise you would have been thrown in jail instead of told to get the hell out of dodge.

There are people out in this world that really do care about you, and really want to see the best for you. But you have to want the best for yourself. You just want to be happy. I don't know how high or drunk you were when we had that conversation, but you just want to be you again. You just want to be happy again.

You can be. You have to do it though. I can't hold your hand like a little boy and do it for you. I tried. YOU were the reason that it didn't work. I did my part. YOU were the one that let yourself down. Literally all you had to do was to sign it. And I see this pattern with you.

Really, lets go ahead and break this down.

You are the cause of your own unhappiness.

Others can literally do EVERYTHING for YOU, and you come up with some kind of excuse and you LIE to YOURSELF, of why it won't happen. You do this to yourself. You are what they call, "A product of self fulfilling prophecies."

That's because you make it happen.

Your success: YOU make it happen.

Your failures: YOU make it happen.

Its really up to you to decide who you want to be. Not the other way around. Really. I'm not joking. I'm being honest. I'm not lying.

You can do it.

But you have to want it.

And you don't have to be alone.

And as shitty as you have treated me, and as terrible as a human you've been to me, doesn't make it ok. That was a really really mean, unnecessary and childish thing you did, for the past year and a half. Manipulating me like you did.

It still hurts because I trusted you, and you shit on me. YOU did that. That was YOUR choice.

But its MY choice to give you a heads up and let you know what you've been wanting to know this whole time, You are the way to your future. If you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, I cannot stop you. If you want to be treated like a little boy, who lies, and who is mean for the rest of your life, I cannot stop you. You are the only one who can change you.

Your entire future and happiness is up to you.

Choose your attitude. Choose your future. Choose to be someone you can be proud of. For once, stop lying to yourself. Its stupid.

#raw truth #my truth #self harm #mental illness #drug abuse #alchoholism #dear diary #self growth #self improvement #taking the first step #hope #true love

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hauntedtotem · 4 years

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or!

or.. maybe...

if you know from the start that someone is taken and you still chose to pursue them and try to guilt trip them into being with you...

m a y b e

that’s on you

like first of all not only is it extremely disrespectful to both me and my partner, as well as your own-

i tried to be nice about it the first time. and the second time. and the third time. and like, idk if the plan was to “wear me down until i say yes” but that doesnt work on people and even if it did it, that relationship would be so incredibly toxic and disingenuous.

also it was really weird considering when you first found out i’ve id’d as polyamourus you got angry with me over it and unfollowed me, made vague rants about it, and now youre trying to force your way into that relationship? but ok whatever ig

anyways, i wouldnt have a problem supporting you if it were possible, but you made things out to be like- the only way to make you feel better would to stop telling you No. Or stop expressing my interests, or stop being an individual altogether.

I cant comfort you if the only way to do that would be stop rejecting you, it comes off as extremely guilt trippy and manipulating when you push that narritive.

I’m thoroughly convinced you’ve never experienced being in love before juding by your warped perception of it, what you have is infatuation and desire to be in control- If you legitimately love someone you don’t actively talk shit about their interests and get upset when they express anything that isnt admiration for you, or get upset over things that make them happy.

And as someone with an unhealthy amount of ego and selflove, i have very specific guidelines for dating. I acknowledge how my how issues can get out of hand and cause harm if i’m not careful with who i surround myself with and how i’m reacting to their actions and personal choices. I’m constantly keeping an eye on myself and making sure i’m not acting unreasonable or overly cruel.

my general rule is if i’ve been in a fight with someone or theyve made me mad even once, then theyre not right for me. because if they were, I wouldnt have reacted that way to whatever they did.

If you legitimately love someone your initial reaction should not be anger, and if it is, then a relationship with them wouldnt be all that healthy.

Because i have a tendancy to hold myself on a pedastal, I don’t get romantically involved with people unless i can hold them on an equal or higher level than myself. because otherwise there’s a risk the relationship would go sour or become toxic. If theres even a slight change it may not be safe for either party, i leave. you need to be aware of your flaws and responsible enough to keep yourself in check that way.

Again this is much different regarding friendships, it’s just my personal rule for dating. and considering i’ve been in a relationship with my now-fiance since i was 11, it’s been 7 years without a single fight, i’d say im pretty sure i know what i’m doing.

I understand if maybe things were worded wrong and you didnt mean to come off as guilt tripping or trying to force me into a relationship with you, but thats how it appeared

i would suggest reflecting on what your motives are

#//shade

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skiasurveys · 5 years

Text

393

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? um,,? I would assume I was a young adult ig?

2.Which is worse, failing or never trying? never trying, b/c you would never know if you were good or not. 3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do? idk..man because we feel forced by society 4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done ? I hope not. 5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world? I wish people would stop flexing. 6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? spending time with my loved ones tbh, and making art. 7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? rn i am in college so 8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently? no different. 9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? a little, im trying to fix it. 10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? doing things right..i always think im gonna be a failure. 11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? I would let them know that she is my friend and i find it disrespectful of what theyre saying. 12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be? Honestly, dont worry about what others say. do what you want. 13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yeah i would.

14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? Yeah look at most art lol 15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Im not sure... 16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy? because were all just different people? 17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? travel really. I want to see more of the world and cultures.

18. What’s holding you back? money.

19. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of? yeah my fathers death.

20. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why? maybe the UK? and Idk its different and i dont wanna live in the us. 21. Do you push the elevator button more than once? not really. 22. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton? joyful 23. Why are you, you? life experiences.

24. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend? I think i have but i do have a lot to work on. 25. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you? losing touch. it sucks when you can feel them slipping away right from your fingers and you cant change it. we live in a world where face time is a thing so when someone moves it doesnt feel that much different. 26. What are you most grateful for? My mom 27. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? fuck. Never make new ones. 28. Is it possible to know the truth without challenging it first? idk..? 29. What is your greatest fear? Has it ever come true? Drowning. lol

30. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset? Does it really matter now? it wouldve been either when my friend hurt me or when my dad had died. so yeah. 31. What is your happiest childhood memory? vaca with dad

32. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? im not sure.. 33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose? idk. 34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever? Of course, sometimes the best people are the people you dont have to make up a lot of words. 35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars? Cus humans. 36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes and no. we all have our set of morals. for sure murder is evil..i would hope everyone would agree. 37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job? yes. even tho i just got it but like i hate working LOL. 38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? more work i like to do 39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? yes.

40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in? what

41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? i would try to see them all lol

42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? Of course LOL

43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? alive is just doing ur boring ass shit every day but living is like actually doing what u love lol 44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right? you just know tbh 45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? because we dont wanna look stupid or hurt others. depending on the mistake. 46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you? dress better and be more active with my social media career. 47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing? right now 48. What do you love? Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love? i love art, i always have. it just lets me express myself without feeling weird. 49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday? i will for sure b/c i just started working at this shit job so ill for sure remember this. i better not be here in 5 years or ill kms. 50. Decisions are being made right now. The question is: Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you? myself but i always ask ppl for advice to help me. so both?

#survey #deep questions

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breaniebree · 5 years

Text

A Second Chance Chapter 219

I received an amazing number of reviews on this chapter and I wanted to share them/address some of them here to show my immense appreciation for those who take the time to drop me a line or two for what I write.

Some of you have decided after this chapter you can no longer follow my story and while it saddens me, I expected it. I write first for myself and I know where I want this story to go and while I hope you all keep reading it -- I know that not everyone will continue it.

Devereaux13: I can’t. You really just did that to us? Started this story with a oh! Sirius is gonna live! But NOO u had to frick us all over. Oh my god. I love you for this story but hate you for this story. I cried more this time than the cannon one. Goddamn

Lightningscar: Huh, well, judging from the reviews, this chapter is getting you a lot of heat... personally, I though it was great in many ways, both in action, description of thoughts/feelings and great descriptions of what was going on. My biggest beef, though, gotta be this: *Ginny grabbed Luna's hand and the two of them climbed onto the wolverine's back* Ehm, it is likely it was explained in previous chapters, and if memory serves, Animagi are generally slightly larger than their natural counterparts, but... a wolverine is generally about the same size as a medium dog, shoulder height being around 30-45 cm (12-18 inches), 65–107 cm (26–42 in) long (not counting the tail). Basically, Ginny and Luna are crawling on top of a Spaniel or a Golden Retriever (on the small size) Yes, wolverines are ridiculously strong compared to their size, capable of carrying prey many times its own size... carrying dragging it. One big difference between carrying something in its powerful jaws, compared to carrying something heavy on its back. A few other minor beefs Ehm, why did Voldemort pull a Jafar on the cat (Lady G, was it?) and not outright kill it? So they got giants wandering down mid London without anyone being the wiser? I'm sure you have thought of the logistics about it :) Well, all in all, great chapter. Things have advanced rapidly compared to canon, for better (less Horcruxes) and worse (Ministry bye-bye)... though, in the latter case, it can be interpreted somewhat ambigious. Fallen as in the place (which was a given, seemed to be completely overrun suddenly... makes one wonder where all of the defence forces went, guess we will find out sooner) or if it has fallen as an orginazation like they did in canon. Curious to see what happens next. Yours sincerely, Lightningscar

Menna Taha: Ok let me just say.. Sirius was going into battle with the intent to save his son, knowing that his Fiancée who he was very much in love with was pregnant with TWINS. I mean you’d think he would be more careful than in the books where he was reckless, lonely, rusty and under house arrest in a place he hated. Also the ministry fell! Just like that! After all the preparation and the relations with the french, Bulgarian and Russian ministries AND the fae and the army they made AND the warning they recieved! What were they fucking sleeping! I love you please don’t hate me.

They were not sleeping, but they weren’t prepared like they should have been. It’s a problem that will be addressed.

HGRHfan35: Well...shit... This was a really bad idea: to read this in bed. How the blazes do you expect me to sleep, now?!

Daddy: WTF! Why end it here. WHY!

Wade Bradford: Noooooooooooooooo!

AZfangirl: i cant believe you killed sirius. this one really hurts

Ofglitterandgiggles: I’m broken

axelvaz: Started this about a week ago and I’m finally all caught up! But oh my gosh! What a cliffhanger! Sirius!

Emeralds and Rubies: I thought we might get off easy when Pettigrew fell through the veil, butI’m heartbroken for Harry and Zee, but you definitely did this whole plot point justice.

maximusrexmundi: Eeeeeehhhhh so I was with you until the very end. I just can't imagine a Voldy who is objectively in a weaker position (than in the books) being able to muster a force that could attack and defeat a FULLY prepared ministry who both knew he was coming AND had international allies

Runningtwiceasfast: I have to say I am incredibly impressed with this chapter. I am obviously sad as I was in canon when Sirius died but due to the more uplifting tone of your work overall that you would shy away from a turn like this. Sirius' death is so important in canon a it really is a turning point in the story. Obviously when Cedric died it was sad but Sirius' death made everything all the more real. Your Harry has gotten so much more of a life and childhood than canon Harry but he too is now faced with the reality of life without Sirius. I can't wait to see what happens next.

Joanne: Wow! I’m so sad. I’ve been listening to Led Zeppelin in honour of Siri. I had hoped that this part of canon would be ignored but alas. War is war. Amazing storytelling: you made us feel this loss and that takes talent. I both dread and look forward the next chapter. Will Harry take Ginny with him? Will the breakup occur? Did Remus and Tonks make it out? Will there be a funeral? So many questions! Enjoy your birthday and rest while we all grieve.

Ahugefun: I need you to undo sirius death. Im not joking He shouldnt Not with zee pregnant and harry so attached to him Its not fair to us the readers who enjoyed your story so much andddd already mourned sirius a little bit when he was kissed before you changed that.. Im hoping that you wont kill remus and tonks in the end of the war. U are your own story and if somthing happen in jkr world doesnt mean it should here!

Everything that happens in JKR’s world is what inspired me to write my story so of course it affects it. Some will be the same, some will not -- includes character death. Not everyone will die who did in canon, but some will, and some who survived in canon, will die here.

jakegarrett94: nooooooo not sirius

Leaf Ranger: ...I'm sorry...but this...this is exactly why I called fucking bullshit in the last chapter. Because of all this. This. My problem isn't the pacing of your story. My problem is all this death and carnage and bullshit happened...not because of something realistic...but because the Grey lady, for no reason, was a cryptic dumbass. That is my problem. While it'd be hard to swallow, I'd have accepted most of what happened in this chapter if there was an ACTUAL reason, in the story, as to why they weren't able to be told where the diadem was. but there wasn't. The only reason was solely because YOU wanted it that way. And it's your story, fine, but at the very least, there should be a damn good reason WHY, in the story itself, things happen the way they do. It should never...EVER be just because you, the author, want it to happen that way. because then it breaks the immersion of the reader, if something happens solely for the sake of you, the author, having it happen that way. *sighs* To be honest? I'm sorry, but this, this just is too much. You killed off Sirius and had the Ministry fall DESPITE the preparations they had already made, despite the warnings they had. That just...no. I'm sorry, but no. I'm done. Thanks for what was a pretty entertaining story up to this point, but after this? Just nope. It's not worth it. It really isn't.

Sorry to hear that, but again, it is obvious to us the readers where the diadem is, but not to them. The Grey Lady can be cryptic if she wants as she’s dead and has nothing to lose, it’s up to our heroes to find the answer. Sorry you feel it’s not worth it, thanks for reading as long as you did.

Redplayer1998: Please tell me it's a trick sirius can't be dead not after 200 chapters of building his character please no

Dutchie: Oh man Sirius died, bummer! Still a great story.

Whiton: Hey I’m a bit late but I wanted to say happy belated birthday. I love this story it’s fun it’s sad it’s thought provoking and is just a wonderful thing to read. Hope this finds you well and hope you keep writing.

AkashiyaHyrule: What the... this can't be it. What's the point of creating all that military platoons, and gathering allies-if the Ministry are just going to fall so fast? This feels waaay to early for this story plot to occur. But that's just my opinion. Hopefully you got a plan that works, and it's believable. It's also in my opinion that if Sirius Black's "death" is true (hope it's not), Zacharias should not be with anyone else or find someone else to replace him. I suspect you might do something of that nature. You haven't shy away from all the random romances that occurs, even in minor characters. Don't think I haven't notice your tendencies to ship characters! Anyways, it would be annoying, weird, not the same, awkward, and off-putting. I hope that will never happen. But then again, this your AU, so you have the final say on what you want to implement. I invested a lot of my time in this piece of fanfic, so I don't wish for it be ruined by very disagreeable choices (it's all subjective, of course). I mean no disrespect, as I know writing is a tough pastime, and you deserve to be commended for the amount of time you put into your AU. So, good luck. You deserve your break, and hopefully things will be explained Chapter 220! P.S: He's really dead, isn't he? I guess I would have to expect the death of Remus, Tonks, Fred Weasley, Colin Creevey, Lavender Brown (at least in the movies), Dumbledore, Snape, Moody, Dobby, etc, etc. P.S. Why the hell am I just naming character deaths?

Guest: There . Are . No . Words. Saz J

Guest: I, like so many other readers here, have absolutely loved the changes you have made to the story of Harry & Sirius - it has been a wonderful story that we have looked forward to reading every week. However, as much as I love your story, I am upset and disappointed that you had this last chapter play out the way it did. You have, for 218 chapters, written about great changes and strengths for Harry, all the others, and especially Sirius. To have this last chapter happen almost like the original version (book & movie) is a bit of a let-down to your earlier chapters. I will still look forward to reading your story, but maybe without the enthusiasm I have had this past year.

KittenWithAnAx: damn it! I'm crying! Why do I always hope that Sirius survive? even when I watch the movie I hope he don't die! I hate and I love you! yes A break is need! let us mourn in peace! my baby died! and I know that in two weeks I will be back! because I'm too curious and I love how you write! I will still mourning Sirius but I will be back... anyway I will go cry in the shower! have a nice two week break! (and Happy Birthday!)

Blitz90: Hello Breannie ! First of all, I wanna say that your story is awesome ! I really like many of the change that you bring to the HP world! Congrats on that ! Now, about chapter 219, nice chapter all around but I felt that the training they got change nothing but maybe because of the stress to fitgh Death Eater explain it to... maybe you can show me the light on this ? Second, the death of Sirius... I must say that I am disapointed about that. I know that you said in the beginning that it will be ultimately a Hinny story but for me, Sirius was the heart and soul of you fiction. Lets hope that he is just in shock or king of a coma !

Qarz: You put a lot of effort into this, writing so many words is nothing to sneeze at and it shows dedication. However, you don't seem to understand that actions have reactions. If you make changes in Canon then the whole story has to change to make any modicum of sense. You didn't do that and the more than 1.5m words are a waste since it led to the same place and somehow things are even worse than in said Canon. I truly pity those who read this huge story just to be disappointed.

nesciamema: Kinda disappointed by Harry's shoddy fighting since they've all been training for a while, the only one who seemed to be thinking strategically was Ginny before she was taken out. Hoping Zee doesn't miscarry and fights for the babies rights as heir to the Blacks. No way in hell should any Malfoy hold the title with what just happened.

goldenone: thank you for posting this on my birthday it was a great gift but also HOW COULD YOU IMA CRY

aj613: ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod I was hoping Sirius would be spared holy shit oh my god whyyy? Amazingly written as always, BUT WHY?! THEY WERE GONNA GET MARRIED AND HAVE BABIES AND HARRY CALLED HIM DAD I—

Rufus777: I understand why you had to kill Sirius. But it still makes me sad. Well written as always. I've been a fan since chapter one. I had forgotten about the Dursley stuff. Good on you to remind everyone of those memories. Keep up the awesome -rufus

kyle.grimm90: I am so sad that Sirius died again... I was really hoping he would survive this time. I love you story is so addictive but I wish that would have gone different. I was so excited he didn’t go through the veil I was jumping for joy and then wammm he died. I won’t stop reading but it killed me when he died.

Haillie: WHAT! OH COME ON!

yunkol76: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Thanks for the present! Now time to enjoy another GREAT chapter

coloredwords: First things first. A very happy birthday to you. I hope you have (had) a wonderful day. Second I wish you no riot reviews for your birthday. As much as I want to know what happens next, I respect you too much to shout and riot. But what a chapter! Damn. When Peter fell through the curtain I thought for a second Sirius would be safe. But alas. My last hope lies within some time turner or time room miracle. And all of a sudden we skipped right to the beginning of DH. I'm so curious to see what happens next. Have fun writing and enjoy your two weeks off. I will be here, waiting patiently.

Fruitcake49: I would rather this entire chapter be a nightmare. Why do Sirius and Harry always get the short dirty end of the stick? Such terrible childhoods and Sirius has to die leaving Harry alone. I gotta tell you if anyone other than a character in a story were put under this much pain and unhappiness they would crack and cease to function. As much as I like this story, Harry needs Sirius. I'm tired of people killing him off.

Steelcode: NO NO NO NO NO! HE WAS GOING TO GET MARRIED...HE HAS KIDS! WHAT ABOUT HARRY'S KIDS! WHAT ABOUT SIRIUS' FUTURE! PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS ANOTHER JOKE PLEASE!

X.pix.X: Happy birthday, and great chapter

Undead Gothic Princess: you are mean and a god all at once! I was on the edge of my seat the whole time reading this, then took a sigh of relief when pettigrew died cuz I thought "hey, Sirius will be fine now, he survived!" then wham! I dont think he's really dead dead though. they'll either be a way so that it was polyjuice or maybe they use a time turner. something better happen so that he just appears through the front door/hospital wing and is like "whys everyone so down when my hansome face is here?!" please let it be true, otherwise I dont think I can go on in this cruel world xxx

HarryPotterLover2422: Such an amazing chapter! I have enjoyed reading this story for quite some time now and look forward to each new chapter. I am so sad with what happened to Sirius, but I am looking forward to what’s to come! I loved the Lucius called Theo his son that was amazing! I think one of my favorite things about this story, other than how amazing it is, is how you humanize especially the Malfoy family in terms of Draco and Theo. Amazing as always! Happy belated birthday! Can’t wait for more! ️

Leo: Happy Birthday! I was so excited to see that you have written this chapter, until I read it, I can't believe you've hit us with the double whammy. This chapter both made me cry and amazed at your incredible writing skills. I hope you carry on and finish this story. However, most importantly, please, please please, please, puppy eyes please can you post the chapter. I know you said you won't but imagine puppy eyes, you know you can't say no to that. Keep us the brilliant work.

I am imagining puppy eyes, but no, I’m sorry.

GoldenPotterFan: Chapter 219 and the first time I am commenting. Started reading this story between Christmas and New Year 2018 and read all chapters up to then by the time I went back to work. Since then I have waited for updates every week. Somehow, I don't believe that Sirius is dead. Just a feeling I have. I also think Lucius might be working against Voldemort while still not quite working for the Order. I would not be surprised if he saves Sirius somehow. I cannot wait for another update. PS Happy Birthday, I hope you had a great day :)

devonleney27: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! Thank you for the gift of this chapter, sorry I didnt get you anything!

DoodleBug78: OMFG cannot believe that! Really?!

witchyromy: mmmm i would have thought that with the time living in the magical world, and all the extra training harry has done, with sirius and remus and mischa and the rest of the group as well in the extra defense lessons that this would have gone better, they almost only used stupify and some 1st year spells. The whole thing is 80% the same as the original... i have to say i am a bit disappointed.

Sorry to hear that, but I kept what I needed to keep in there for a reason and I hope you will stick around to see that, but if not, well thanks for reading.

Guest: Welp, I’m crying. I’ve been following this story for a while, and honestly didn’t expect to be so upset about Sirius’ death, again. You’ve done wonderful work at recreating this moment. There are so many tiny complexities in this rendition and I can’t wait to see what comes next. Hoping zee’s fall didn’t hurt those babies. Thank you for your work. ️

snowball0709: Happy birthday! Hope you have a great day:) Now to the story.. HOW COULD YOU KILL SIRIUS? This story is all about his second chance! And the wedding, the twins... come on, siriusly! I really hope you have something up your sleeve and that he miraculously lives somehow. Can't wait to read the next chapter!

Lolikiano: I'm so excited you posted early! I can live with the cliffhanger as an exchange! Your stories have inspired me to write my own fanfiction and I can't thank you enough for that! I'm looking forward to your next update in two weeks! P.S. I love the "Surprise" pregnancy (which i TOTALLY called when Zee got ill!) I can't wait to read Harry's reaction!

Maggie1874: I'm so sad and disappointed that Sirius died. I was really hoping he'd live in your story.

Krazyasibe: Happy birthday! But why would you do that! I love Sirius!

alix33: No need for anyone to shoot Nott senior in his undersized wanker, Ginny will just have bat bogeys coming out of it rather painfully (and satisfactorily for us readers) in a jiffy. Dumbles had sweet fanny adams to do with the six being able to turn into animaguses. I like Lady Godiva's way of dealing with Death Eaters far better than I do any of the light side's humans' only effective for a couple of seconds stupefying. That vile bitch Bellatrix killed Sirius! I wonder which charm was used on the statue which made it keep Harry away from Dumbles and Tom Riddle junior.

wheezing-reader: Happy Birthday! Your story is probably one of my all-time favorite fics! Saying that WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! No. This is not okay. I'm not okay with this.

Josh: Can't believe you killed Sirius! Hope something miraculous is going to happen. This is supposed to be about "A Second Chance" for him, so he needs to be alive!

Menna Taha: Happy birthday! But still how fucking dare you

jmdaz44: I know Sirius canon-ly dies in the fifth book but I was hoping you’d spare us somehow, especially after the proposal and pregnancy. Instead you were just fattening us up to be slaughtered. You’re cruel. I love the story and your writing but it hurts. It hurts. I truly hate your Bella. I should have waited to read this until this evening because now I feel like my whole day is ruined and it is just starting. I hope you’ve got something feel-good planned because I’m pretty down on this right now. I guess that parallels where we are in the story; things are getting real and nothing is for certain anymore. Hope is a dangerous thing.

alyson3il: First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you have a wonderful day, and short hiatus to get everything straight! Second of all, WHHHHYYYYYY?! WHY? Why? Y? y? WHHYYYY! I thought Sirius would be SAFE, you lured us into security with Peter, but then it just HAD to happen. I got my hopes up that it wouldn't be him, he had Zee, he had the twins on the way, HE WAS GONNA GET MARRIED! I get that things happen, BUT THIS THING DIDNT NEED TO HAPPEN, or maybe it did. You're the author, you have a plan in place, and you know what you're doing. I'll just be hurt for the next two weeks.

Miss Elyon: 1) Happy birthday dear ! All good for you! 2) Thad Nott - It was too late! (I loved that Lucy killed this son of a troll) And Wormtail ... I'm sure you will be very well received in hell! 3) Bella ... fucking crazy bitch ... something will come to you and it won't be pretty! 4) More importantly - You made me cry so fucking hard with Sirius. I went into depression until you post again. I truly love your story (although it makes me cry like a baby!). The pain at his death was more brutal than the book. I know you have something planned (I hope) and I will be reading (with a sniffling nose) the next chapter! To cure this chapter I'll read the whole story again and cry all over again ... I think I like to suffer ... kkkk See you in the next chapter ;)

chefke: o.m.f.g. omfg. I'm freaking out

xcherry91x: OMG NOOOOOO! I was hoping that Sirius wouldn’t die. I cried when I read that. The babies! They gots no daddy

SuperBossy: Not happy at all.

rolly21: I can’t believe you killed Sirius. I was really hoping that you wouldn’t.

LilyBlack18: I was so not expecting that. I was sure Sirius wouldn't die . My god, reading his death again was pure torture. At least Harry still have Zee, Remus, etc. I'm so sad, though... I really thought you wouldn't keep that part of the story, and you gave me false hope when Peter died x)

greg.is.wilson: You are evil.

Mutt N. Feathers: Yes my dear, I do trust authors. Needless pain is never inflicted by them. I made readers think I killed Sirius too, but instead had other plans. You love him too much. I live in hope. Mutt

supersandman86: Oh man! Not Sirius! He just got his life to perfection. Loving son, a fiance and a child on the way. Nice to see Wormtail redeem himself by shoving zee out of the way and Thaddeus got what he deserved. Now we just need to give Crouch and Bellend Lestrange pain that even they can't endure. This was always the dark point in the whole franchise in my opinion, where Harry felt the most hopeless. Let's see how it goes.

Sirius black411: You are so cruel...so so soooo cruel. They were going to get married...have twins and raise them.. How could you?! I can't imagine what Zee must be going through but she is still there for Harry. She will be a great mother.

Wodril: This Sirius didn't really seem like the guy to be done in while taunting. Not being hit by the killing spell, and the whole "he'll writhe in pain as he dies" spiel makes it a bit more uncertain. I never really appreciated him coming back to life after the dementors, and kinda hope, for the sake of the story, he'll stay dead this time. He will probably show up as an inferi anyway?

Jewels46: Omg... I’m crying! You’ve reduced me to tears. I know it was a very real possibility, but I hoped it wouldn’t actually come to fruition even though I understand the significance. I do really like how you wrote his death though, a much more fitting end. The bit you added with Peter had led me into a false sense of security that the lovable mutt would be safe. I just can’t even right now. Wonderful chapter. I’m going to cry some more and eagerly await the next one

Dianne: Yes I need atleast 2 weeks to emotionally reconstruct myself after this bombshell of a chapter. Deep breaths in and out. Curious about how you've brought a 7th year canon event now itself. I'm not sure I even took in everything coz I was crying so hard and couldn't read clearly, was reading this at clg and I surprised everyone by suddenly crying out loud and sobbing :'( and everyone was baffled when I said one of my most favourite characters just died painfully and I was crying for that, but they don't understand the power of reading or the power of HP thankyou for an early update and kudos you're an amazing writer!

purplevictory: That wasn't nice. I mean, happy birthday and everything, but did your present to yourself really have to be the torture of your fans? I know Sirius will be fine, I just don't know how you're planning to get there. Thank you for the early chapter. But, when your birthday celebrations are over you really ought to write "I will stop being mean to my readers" 50 times. You don't have to use a blood quill.

Write lines as punishment? I don’t have time for that, I need to write the next chapters.

xXMizz Alec VolturiXx: Noooooo I can’t believe that after all this you still killed Sirius! When his life was finally all good with babies on the way!

eternal king of fire: wow this chapter was a tear jerkier poor sirus and zee

speedsONEandONLY: No. Nope. No. I refuse to see this as a real chapter. None of this happened. I mean what was the point of letting them be happy, of getting rid of the Horcrux early. Only to fucking destroy them. To make him want to sacrafice, kill himself anyway. This chapter didn't happen. This is a "what couldve been" I doesn't make any fucking sense. Nor does it for the narrative. So, No. I refuse to think, Believe, You could be so heartless to characters/people you love. That you made us love. I don't see anyway how the story Could really go on, if this chapter actually happened. It reads more like the last Twilight movie from when Aro rips off Carlisles head. Sorry, but no.

Sorry, I guess I’m heartless. Comparing me to Twilight though, that’s heartless.

Ari Black-18: I know that this is a war, but please let Sirius escape death again, don't do this please, please make this better, tell me that Remus and Tonks somehow save him, tell me that even tho he is in bad condition he's still alive, don't leave his twins and Harry without a father, don't live Zee without her love, don't rip away Remus's brother from him, give him a second chance from the original story, let him be there with Harry at the end, the world it's already too shitty for it even to suck in a fanfic. Call me naive or delusional, but I actually believe that this is not over, I trust you enough to know that you wouldn't do this, your story it's to damn good to lose such a character just like that, so I know you are going to fix it, you're going to pull a surprise under your sleeve and make us love it so much. I believe in you, I mean you wouldn't just kill Sirius like that, not this Sirius, your Sirius. I trust you, I know you wouldn't do this. Please enjoy your break, chill, eat a lot of snacks, maybe even party a little, and then, please, bring our uncle Siri back.

Seriuslypadfoot: Hey Breanie, very well written as per usual. I hope Sirius isn’t actually dead, as this story is one of the few Sirius and Harry fics that I have thoroughly enjoyed and don’t want his character to end this way. Powerful moment with Malfoy in this chapter, but I wish he showed more backbone and fully went against the death eaters like his family wants. Again, hope Sirius doesn’t end here, the death will really hurt the story in my opinion. But this is your story so write it how you will. Thanks for your hard work!

Thank you! Malfoy doesn’t have much of a backbone, but I do have a plan for him. I’m sorry you feel that Sirius’ death hurt the story, I think it’s important for what’s next.

DetroitNate: A review? I hated this chapter. Oh the writing is great as usual, but what happened in it? I hated, loathed, detested it. I hope justice comes and comes quicker than Hinny did in this story cause it is getting too difficult to read of how these vicious bastards seem to get away with anything they want. JKR did two things I can't stand in canon kill off Sirius and Fred and now I'm wondering if this story will follow her on that pattern... I hope not, I really do.

Thank you and I promise, justice will come quicker than Hinny -- as in it won't take another 197 chapters, maybe 196, just kidding!

Paola1991: So is this death for real or is he coming back? I mean you tricked us once. I guess i kind of assumed you’d never kill him off because it was kind of a sirius fix it story? Where he gets a better life? This took me by surprise. Its primarily why i hate book 5. I thought someone else was gonna die instead. Hes the one character i would never kill i guess. Especially with zee having his kids! Not sure how i feel.

Guest: can i honestly beg something? can you please bring back sirius alive? please? i know u wont do it.. u have a plan with ur story... but as a big big fan of ur story im really really begging will u please?

Queen Raja: Wow. And I thought the book’s death was heartbreaking! Seriously, bravo. I don’t cry easily, and this chapter made me UGLY cry! Waiting until two weeks will be very hard, but I’m glad you’re able to take some much deserved time for yourself and Dusk. Happy Birthday, Breanie!

Maisie: how and why could you do this to mee im cryinggg please say its looking better in the next chapter

midnitewanderer: Dumbass went and reread it. Not gonna lie, it was a brilliant chapter but I am still this close to hunting your ass down and forcing to rewrite Sirius back in. Where’s my angry emoji when I need it. I can’t help but feel that you wrote Zee the way you have specifically for this chapter. Not only does she come into their lives and becomes the best pseudo mom ever written in any HP fanfic, she basically adopts Harry into her entire family. Sure there’s stories out there with the Weasley’s treating him as one of their own but not like this. ZEE’S ENTIRE FAMILY ADOPTS HARRY. Your sneaky ass has been prepping us from the beginning of her intro! He calls them all Grandad/Grandpa, Grandmama/Grandma, etc. so that eventually he sees that he’s never truly alone. Then enter the Weasleys, McGonagall, Rem&Tonks, Andi&Ted, Dumbles, Nev, Lu, Mione, he’s surrounded by so much love. I just know the next chapter is going to be hard for me seeing as I’m a crybaby but damn it to hell, I can’t wait. 2 whole weeks. What am I gonna do?

Thank you. I guess I was kind of sneaky like that, wasn’t I?

Zacnelson0628: Breanie... I kinda had a feeling that was going to happen. Still really sad though. I hope you kill of bellatrix in a spectacular manner.

I will do my best -- I do know exactly how it will happen and who will do it.

notthatchhavi: Oh, wow! I don't know what to say! This was a extremely well-written chapter When Lucius said that Theo was his son...it was such a moment I went ooooooohhh Well other then that..I cried I literally cried when Sirius died and yes I am still in denial I hope atleast Remus and Tonks will be okay.. Harry needs some support from one father When Sirius died.. it broke my heart.. Harry calling Sirius Dad.. and Sirius saying that Harry was the best thing ever happened to him I feel that he was not saying that just to Harry.. it was to James too because the Potters were the best thing which happened to Sirius I feel really bad for Zee...being pregnant with your fiancée's children and then him dying is not an easy thing to go through But the most importantly...this chapter made me cry I have read many fanfictions.. but i have never cried.. they might have been super good.. but has never made me cry I think the ability for a writer to make the reader both and laugh and cry is extremely important and difficult...I think by this story you have proven yourself as a damn good writer

Having Harry call him dad was vital and every time I tried to change it, I came back to it.

josht1987: Just know, that I am very mad at you you right now. We'll see what happens after the next one. An extremely well written chapter, but... You know what you did.

Daerwin45: not Sirus oh please he is so important it was going so good im sorry i am just a fan and it has been such a great story i did not mean to question your reason. i just was enjoying harrys and Sirus' relationship.

PotterBlondie: Oh my god, I wasn’t expecting Sirius to die! Or for anything to go this badly in one chapter! I hope he gets to escape death again? Pretty please? I hope you had a wonderful Birthday!

midnitewanderer: Nope. I’m done. I’m done. I AM FUCKING DONE! I will have no more toilet tissue by the end of the night. My chicken is currently burning on the stovetop. My emotions are freaking fried right now. Not only was he... UGH! I can’t. I literally can’t right now. I know this is fiction and whatnot, but my heart is hurting. How in the hell did I get so emotionally invested in this damned story?! Now, I’m going to remove my burning chicken and cry in a corner.

scrappy8: OMG what a chapter Poor Sirius is gone

Covley Hatake: Please let Sirius some how had lived. I like cheered when Pettigrew went in the veil instead and then that. You like ripped my heart out with Sirius. Like come on. Still good story but wanted Sirius to be there for the happy ending. I picture Harry though being the best big brother to those babies and protecting the hell out of Zee and the babies. Betting she tells Harry soon as well. Also question if he is dead what does that mean for them claim the Black title? With out him to claim them they would be seen as illegitimate and as the deal with Malfoy was made he could take it? curious on that one.

akshutalankar: well this is a really bad chapter to be posted on birthday... plz give us next soon... make Sirius alive pretty please

shooter124: O my god, I am crying. Please don’t take Sirius from us, Zee needs him and so does Harry! However that death scene was crazy good. I’m hoping that you have this elaborate plan as to why Sirius had to fake his death or something. Please please please say he is still alive, Sirius and Zee have not finished their story yet and Remus needs his best friend. This is my favourite story I have read on FF, you are a fantastic writer and I get excited every time you post!

Wolf's scream: Nice set of Bat-Bogeys, Miss Weasley! Yeah, a ticked-off wolverine is NOT something I'd prefer to cross. Greengrass is there? That's ... something I was not expecting. Yeah, Theo's advice to smash the Prophecy seems pretty sound to me. (With the possible caveat that certain DEs might lose whatever semblance of control that they have...) Seriously, Hermione? That's not a "baby." And in any case, Petrification is not intrinsically harmful: it merely decreases the probability that the Petrified one will pose a danger to himself or others. Sheesh. Somebody needs to get her priorities sorted. :-) I'm a little surprised that the DEs that trapped the teenagers in the Brain Room were using less-than-lethal spells. Granted, I'm rather glad that they did, but I don't understand whys. Well..! Lucy IS good for something, I guess... It's rather a pity that Harry hadn't smashed the Prophecy and grabbed another as a decoy. :-} Oh! What would happen if Harry were to chuck the Prophecy through the arch...? Ah - excellent move, Lady G! :-) Remus was dueling Dolohov? But Harry had Petrified Dolohov just a bit ago... maybe another DE released him, or the spell wore off? So - the Rat did something useful before departing... BTW, a fairly effective dueling technique might be to blast the floor/ground out from under one's opponent. Or merely make it incapable of supporting the opponent's weight. Especially if one is in a structure and not on the bottom floor. Well, at least there's no ambiguity at all regarding Sirius's fate. :-/ Well, laughing at Bella is a pretty good way to ensure that she's even more off-balance, yeah. It's good that Dumbledore addresses Tom by his given name (vs. the nom de guerre that he made up)

Guest: You cant do this Sirius can't be dead! Please let him live! P.S. happy Birthday Seriously though bring Sirius back.

dhnysports88: for the love of god tell me they planned to fake his death, DON'T DO THIS TO US

minerdude: Wow this is a great story, even if you killed Sirius, although with the next chapter I hope we discover thinking he was dead was part of the fog of war. If Sirius is dead it was truly well written to get our guard down by sending Peter though the veil

Old-fashionedAnglophile: What. The. ACTUAL. HELL?! Are you trying to destroy us? And you're making us wait for it? Damn your excellent and captivating writing. I'll be waiting for the next chapter with bated breath.

Thank you (I think).

littlehughesy: WHY? Why must you keep killing off characters that I love!? It's like Game of Thrones all over again! I get that it is canon for Sirius to die at the Ministry, but for fuck's sake can't Harry just have a little less suffering for once? For the love of God, if you kill Remus and Tonks in this story, I am done. Just done. I cannot handle my emotions right now. Okay, venting over. As much as I don't like it, your story is still fantastic. And hey, cheers for the early update and happy birthday!

Atea1793: You... are... absolutely... evil... YOU KILLED SIRIUS, KILLED DEADALUS DIGGLE, LEFT ZAHIRA A PREGNANT WIDOW BEFORE SHE EVEN GOT MARRIED, MAY HAVE LEFT HARRY AN ORPHAN AGAIN, AND HAD THE MINISTRY FALL A WHOLE YEAR EARLIER THAN IN CANON?! I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU'RE AS SICK IN THE HEAD AS VOLDEMORT IS! Excuse me while I spend these next two weeks gathering a mob to go after your twisted ass. The Death Eaters will seem like playground bullies when we come for you...

Guest: Omg. Omg. You actually killed Sirius. I cried. I honestly would have rather see Remus die, but maybe that’s what makes this story stronger and more intense. I definitely need 2 weeks to process this. Poor Zee and poor Harry.

lcwintersoldier: Goddamit how could you kill Sirius :'(

LifeonEarth: Oh come on you hand to bring Marauder into this. This hurts.

I’m sorry, but I thought Marauder deserved to be in Harry’s thoughts.

White Squirrel: Why does everyone feel the need to kill off Sirius even when there's good reason for events to play out differently? Honestly, this whole section felt like it wasn't up to your usual standards. You copied so much from the book, even when they had different people there and a different plan. It would have made more sense and wouldn't have been that hard to choreograph a different battle sequence.

I felt that it was important to keep it similar which I will explain later on, but of course you’re entitled to your opinion.

love reading20613: Oh god no please no

alistark94: What an ending! I gotta say I'm suprised you still killed off Sirius. Great story by the way!

Anixara: Wow, I find this story just in time for the latest chapter to be THAT. God damn it. Now I have to figure out if waiting for the next chapter is even worth it with how much that fucked with my emotions.

Breaniefan: This was so unrepresentative of your characters to just shove them back into JK's exact plot. This Harry would never have been so impulsive, Ginny and Theo would have escaped, the well trained Order would have been quicker on the mark and more effective. This was just lazy writing, taking so much of the original story and just shoehorning it in - I'm so disappointed! Also why the fuck would you kill Sirius? The whole point of fanfic is to FIX those stupid character deaths from the original, not go and do it again. I've followed this story from the start and loved it, but if Sirius is still dead next chapter... You've lost a reader.

I’m sorry that I’ve lost a reader over this, but as I said, I knew he would die from the first chapter. Harry would be that impulsive because Ginny was kidnapped and there's no way he wouldn't try to save her. She and Theo may have been able to escape but not unscathed. I don’t believe that fan fiction is made to “fix” stupid character deaths because the original story is amazing and I’m getting the chance to play with the characters we all love so much and Sirius had a second chance on life and he lived it.

Adelite: AAAAH. aaAAAH. I came here for a BETTER WORLD and you killed SIRIUS BLACK of ALL PEOPLE and just when HE LEARNED HE IS HAVING TWINS?!?? I swear to god AaaaaahahahAH the original didn’t hurt this bad I read 219 chapters in 2 weeks just to be welcomed with this I am absolutely gonna riot and also what happened to Tonks? P.S if you kill Rem, Tonks and Fred in the battle of Hogwarts I will personally pee your pants

Pegg7: I can not believe it!!It has been chapter that i'm saying something bad was about to happen, but not this bad!!!!!The only think i can do now is wait and speculate: you had wormtail die through the veil and not Padfoot, so, maybe, there is a chance, i have hope! By the way, the chapter itselff is good, nothing less to say... I'm going to have a lot of speculation as how the thing are going to be next, so i'll dread this 2 next weeks Love you (a little less) as always

lovelyellie: that really hurt my feelings damn

phoenixmaiden13 (Lady Phoenix): I so hate this chapter, yet it was so good. Still can't believe you killed off Sirius, I thought he was safe for a minute but I guess not. At least they will have a body to bury. I'm going to go cry now.

They will have a body to bury and I hope that chapter makes you all feel the emotion as much as I did writing it.

MrToddWilkins: But he is still alive! The blood-Harry’s right!

Bosma18: Happy birthday but why did you have to kill Sirius he was one of my most favorite characters he and zee where supposed to marry and live happily ever after I wanted Sirius to die of old age while being surrounded by his grand children

Jmcglynn522: You killed him.... you killed him... he just found out that Zee was preggers, with twins(FYI: Taking antibiotic potions and birth control potions = Twins. Mine just turned 20.).And there’s no do over this time....no time turner.... just... you killed Sirius Black.I love your story, I’m bawling hysterically right now, but I don’t like you very much at the moment.... you killed him....why??? (Happy parts: Ginny preforming the “bat bogey hex” on Thaddeus’s dick for Theo! Lucius killing Thaddeus for hurting Theo, “his son!”. Ron touching “Uranus”. Lady G not dying. Zee not dying. And Pettigrew’s death was to kind.) And Happy Birthday!!!(Even though I may be traumatized for life.)

Pettigrew’s death may have been too kind but I think it was an important turning point for him in that he saved Zee for Sirius.

LordSmidgeon: I'm hoping so much all this was pushed in his head by Voldemort after the brain room to mess with his psyche. I'm hoping he comes to and they are just getting him away from the veil. Or it was all what he saw in the veil. Like honestly, if you have to have someone die please dont kill Sirius (at least not yet).

Siriuslover: Im in denial. He’s not dead. How could you kill Sirius!! He was the main reason I’ve loved reading this!! Ugh please take it back I’m so sad

kellykat1889: Your evil.

RiverFord: I think I’m going to need two weeks just to recover from this. I’ve absolutely loved this story so far but you literally just killed off my favorite character and I can’t even...

archiveScrapper: Happy birthday! I'm a long time reader and first time reviewer, but I finally felt like I had something to say (plus wishing you a happy birthday is important). I'm actually weirdly... proud? of you for keeping Sirius's death at this point in the story. In the books it's kind of the point at which Harry has to officially grow up, and realize that even though he's a kid, he's the center of a really vicious war where his actions have very real consequences. And he has no one left to fully protect him either. Even in a fic where Sirius matters a whole lot more, and Harry is gonna be a thousand times more hurt by his death, that moment of change, and of Harry accepting his inevitable place in this fight is really important? So I just wanted to say that as much as I'm really sad about Sirius being gone, because I really did enjoy him getting to be happy for once, i think it's an important moment for the story and I'm really happy that it's one that you kept even in a version of this story that's a lot happier than the original story ever was. I've been wondering how you were gonna handle this moment for a long time now, and although I'm definitely gonna go cry about Sirius's death now, I'm really happy with what you decided to do.

xXQueenOfDragonsXx: NONONONONONONOSIRIUS! I WANT TO HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW BUT I CANT ‘T

TheOneWithWritersBlock: Please tell me this is a dream. Please tell me that Sirius didn't actually die. Please tell me that the ministry hasn't actually fallen. Please tell me it's all one big giant nightmare.

leflemmeenrose: Happy birthday!A break is definitely needed. I'm gonna spend it crying until you upload the next chapter haha. Take your time.

Zerius: Yay! Pettigrew's dead!I am struggling so hard not to say I hate you. I don't actually, but why did you feel the need to kill off Sirius?! He was Harry's family, he had Zee, he was in love, he had such an amazing life and now... Now he's never going to see Harry and Ginny get married, he won't see his children grow up... And Dedalus Diggle? What was the meaning of his death? Why did he have to die? And so cruelly... I love the new battle though. I've got a love/hate relationship with this chapter. Great job, can't wait to see what happens next. Please heal Sirius! Maybe he's not actually dead? Maybe there's a cure? Please say there's a cure! Again, amazing job! Update soon! I love it!

LaureWithAnE: I don’t really like you at the moment. But, happy birthday! How is it, after 17 years, the death of Sirius Black still makes me cry?

PurpleLotus (Person of Earth): Why did you have to kill Sirius? I just can't even process everything that happened. You made me cry and my heart is broken for Harry and Zee and the twins. I don't know what is going to happen and it's killing me. The ministry fallen already...I have no words for the desolation I feel. You have emotionally annihilated me, so congratulations. I understand the need for a break, I will be waiting impatiently for the next update. Happy Birthday and Happy Writing!

#a second chance #breanie #a second chance spoilers #harry potter fanfiction #fanfiction review

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convxction · 4 years

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HOW I RUN MY BLOG.

SPEED: It varies. If i was inspired and motivated, I’ll reply fast, however, i am but a human being my brain farts and even if i have the motivation, words refuse to come out naturally. I won’t use the ‘English is my second language’ excuse, but at times it is really the case. I can imagine the reply in my head but nope what is proper english structure? haha. But yes, my speed can go from SMASH THAT REPLY FAST to um…give me a week?

REPLIES: I can write short and length replies. However, I highly dislike and can’t write the too-much-literature-flowery-language replies. I cannot process what the character’s action is amidst that fancy writing. However, I do not condemn people for writing it because wow that is a talent to be able to write that, believe me. I try to describe things, especially my muse’s feelings, even if there are not supposed to be visible to the other muse, to get my partner to know what they can work within the next reply, or expect at least. But yeah, can’t do fancy writing;; Also, I do not expect my partner to length their reply to match mine; if you can deliver something to work with in one paragraph that is cool by me. I expect the same because i dont like writing pointless things that do not add up to the thread or the character development.

STARTERS: They are cool. I use them to get inspiration when I cannot focus on the main plotted threads. They are a good way to figure out what sort of new threads i want with that muse and mine, or their relationship. Starters whether one line or paragraph etc are cool because they are just set without planning. Cool stuff can happen when winging things. However, I do value plotting because we, myself and my partner would know what we are working with–no sudden surprises that could potentially ruin the thread. So yeah, i like wining and plotting. I take it seriously for plotting things because i wanna know what you are thinking so we can brainstorm; I cannot brainstorm on my own and you go ‘ok sounds good’ and thats it. please, join the idea one-two pass, alright? I don’t mind people suddenly writing a starter if they had an idea and wanted to just try it, though I highly find it disrespecting and annoying when you are not mutual and just write something to FORCE me to interact with you. Plus, using some tropes that are fan-made not canon wise, or just hyper-focus on one trait in a character which could, in the end, paint my muse in a really wrong way. Just, don’t do that, dudes. Really. There are a lot of things in a one muse, don’t butcher the muse’s personality and boil it down to ONE single trait.

INBOX: Keep them coming. The only thing I have is if I ever sent you something, please, for the love of god, do not just delete it if you cant find an answer. I will be waiting for an answer. It is absolutely not hard to come to me and just “hey, so i cannot think of an answer so can i delete it? or you can try a different meme or send something else? or maybe try a different approach or let’s talk about this so i can think of something and get inspired by our brainstorming” kind of thing. I find it honestly, quite rude. If i send you something, please have the courage and courtesy to tell me it is not going to work for your muse so i can try something else. I will do the same of course and i always have. Be sure i will notify you if i cannot think of something for your ask, and most certainly inquire about a way to get around that block.

SELECTIVITY: I used to be open for all back in the day but with how time constraint it is, i prefer to focus on the people i follow only. My inbox is always open for everyone but for plotting and having any relation to my muse you have to be a mutual. I like giving people chances because i’d want that too from people, however, if i cant see our muses click or i tried to approach by asks or IMs and you went cold i’d assume you are having me as part of the count and just soft block you.

WISHLIST: I am very open to suggestions from others, especially AUs and the such. I would like to explore more sides of chro/m even the game lore itself, work on the parallel worlds concept, maybe figure more about g/rima and their birth; how came they to be, etc. all these good mwah *italian hand* ideas i may or may have not already cried about million of time. let me explore...LET ME EXPLOOOOOOORE.

HONEST NOTE: notes? maybe. ok. if you follow me for a ship, be frank about it. because god only knows how many times this had happened and when it does not work for them, they quickly unfollow me (and at time block me lol) i respect people who are honest. if you wanna a ship, tell me. i will then discuss things with you and see if our muses and us, as muns can communicate well. I except the same amount of excitement to come from you as well. one hand cant clap. if im the only one of us who is sending stuff, writing things, or basically annoys you with ideas then dear, please, tell me you wanna this to be over, ok? i want to know that you care about the thing we built together, is it bad? and most of all, if you want to end anything, be polite about it. do not assume i can read mind and know you want to quit. no, i cant read minds, whoops. i am not asking that you talk to me 24/7 at least make me feel that we are not just bound by ‘dumblr rp’ and we are actually friends even if we stopped writing out muses. do not make me feel like i am a part that you could replace whenever you want or just part of the hype at that certain moment when we started the ship and now you just see me and my muse as extra luggage. Going by the inbox one too, please DO NOT drop a thread without telling me. i will not ever stop you just please tell me so i know not to wait and actually start thinking of something new for us. it is your right but hello ~ it is me waiting for your reply~ i at least require a heads-up no more~ i will sing this to you if you want. and another thing, i try not to get into drama here so if something happened and UNLESS it is really, really and extremely dangerous thing, do not get me in it. I will if i found the cause reasonable and not just simply witch-hunting. and oh, another thing. if you have a beef with me, TALK TO ME. ME AND NOT BEHIND MY BACK. i am tired of hearing by mistakes at time that X is talking about me, or Y does not like me. if you have a problem with me come talk to me. crying to someone about me is just …dumb. if i made a mistake i would very much would like to apologize and understand the situation so i do not add to it without knowing. all i ask is…just come talk to me. a lot of the world’s problems will end if people talked and not ASSUME things. thanks. oh oh another thing, !!!!! important!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! graphics are not everything. smaller icons size are kind of ugly and especially the weird ass pds used make it hard to recognize the facial expression. please, do not let this aesthetic bandwagon take hold of you. just idk man do whatever you want but it would be nice to think of others who can hardly see a thing. be kind to each other.

Tagged by: i stole it from mah selfu

Tagging: you do it, too~ like a paws~

#⚔ooc.⚔ (faty speaks)#//..wink wonk.#//do i sound..aggressive? idk. another thing i cant tell and some says i do ;#q this because it would be annoying to have it twice on your dash haha;#⚔queue.⚔ (signed documents)

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flightless-icarus · 4 years

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may 20, 2020

so, since this is for my therapist, i wont be doing much introductions. yall will just have to get to know me as this goes if anyone else besides her is reading this.

today wasn't very eventful, or productive. i mean, it was a little productive, i got some of my panels done for my comic! i think about 3 or 4? i want to do a few more before i go to bed since i need to be doing 10ish a day to meet my quota. or im not gonna meet my deadline. i worry about not meeting that deadling a lot, im scared i wont be able to meet it. and i really feel like i shouldn't and cant miss this opportunity.

so as of right now, im a bit upset. it's 11pm and my mom went to take a shower, and, i know i said last time that i shouldnt be snooping but i keep getting super paranoid about them talking about me and what they're planning because, like everyone else ive ever lived with, is pretty quick to kick me out without even mentioning anything.

so i read her texts between her and my dad, and they were pretty hurtful?? i keep worrying, especially now, that i am the problem. like my dad mentioned in texts to my mom that "she hasn't talked to me in 10 days, why is she even here? is this still supposed to be part of her growth?"

1. ive been here for 2 months, who expected any growth in 2 months? especially when im still in the process of trying to solve problems and work through problems, and 2. WHY would i want to talk to him? plus he hasnt talked to me!!! why does he think he can complain about me not talking to him when he hasn't done the same thing with me in 10 days!!

but, idk. anyway, i feel like im the problem. shitty situations follow me around and i feel like i just can't click with people anymore. i feel like im the toxic one, especially after reading those messages about my mom telling my dad she things im just full of myself, and him saying im this ungrateful, wasteful, disrespectful human being and how i trigger him so much and he's so scared i'll use shit against him, but he doesn't care to think about my feelings either?

i dont think im ungrateful, im grateful im being given a place to stay, but im not a fan of having to live with him again considering how much bullshit he put me through growing up. if i had somewhere else to go, and money to do it, i'd probably spit in his face and tell him to never speak to me again.

id love to get away from him again. despite the paranoia of him showing up at my door when i lived in oregon, it still felt so amazing to be away from him. i know my mom isn't great but i dont know i still like her. i probably shouldnt, since she thinks im just as insufferable as he thinks.

i feel like im reverting back to how i was when i lived here the first time. i feel like theyre erasing all the progress ive made over the years with my ability to speak out when i feel likeim not being treated right. i dont even feel like i agree with the things theyre saying about me in text?? im not a bad person?? im not full of myself, or acting aggressively (unless provoked), and im not being ungrateful. im a little wasteful but that has a lot to do with my food anxiety. i wont eat anything if its been in the fridge for longer than a couple days, so i throw a lot of stuff out. and i feel bad, but if i eat it, even if its good, the anxiety of eating it will make me sick. and that just feeds the "see i shouldn't have eaten that, it made me sick"

i feel like i dont belong, i feel like im not welcome anywhere. i just want to move out and live alone and just die alone. i feel like thats the route im heading anyway.

i still find myself forcing myself not to cry, even right now.

im sad, im hurt. i feel like im the problem. i feel unwanted everywhere i go, i even feel like my own best friend only talks to me out of pity. i always worry she doesn't actually want to speak to me, she just does because she feels bad and doesn't want to take away the only friend i have. she knows shes my only friend. and has been for like 3 years now.

ive been feeling a lot of either nothing or sadness lately too, but tonights just worse that normal. part of it is from the Joker movie and part of it is from reading those texts. i want to say theyre gaslighting or theyre just saying that shit to get in my head, but those are private conversations, those are genuine, private thoughts theyre having. i mean... maybe theyre having those thoughts because they feel like im some awful person so their view of me is bad?? i dont know. i really dont. i always kinda thought my mom was at least sorta on my side, especially when she complains so much about how badly he talks about me and how she hates that he hates me.

i thought she was at least with me on this but i dont know. i dont know, and i dont like that i dont know. i dont know who to trust, or how to feel. i just feel like i should start keeping my mouth shut again because thats when the peace was being kept the best.

"dont speak unless spoken to".

right now, im: sad, anxious, a little nauseous, even sadder now that my cat has gotten off my lap, i have a headahce, and im tired but i dont think ill be able to sleep. i want to cry, i have the lump in my throat, but i don (i ended it here)

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ujuro · 5 years

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as it is halfway through the year i have decided to do my fave songs so far (i wanted ten but ehhhhhhhhh fuck that)

in no particular order:

Apink-Eung Eung: i was wondering if their concept change followup would be as strong as im so sick and wouldya look at that this song is good AND hella interesting. im still not down with the disrespect ifans give apinks past songs but im becoming more and more happy that a 2nd gen gg is successfully creating a new life for itself

Dreamcatcher-Piri: every new dreamcatcher title track has dethroned the last one as my fave so even though rn im like THIS IS AMAZING AND NOTHING WILL EVER TOP IT EVER ill probably eat my words pretty soon. Anyway this is amazing and nothing will top it ever. shout out to diamond and atwnol as well duh

(g)i-dle- Senorita: while i was originally pretty pissed at this song for the drawn-out end section that doesnt use the great chorus, this song is still greatly replayable and has wormed its way into my heart. i listen to it all the time

dia-woowa: the fact that this song wasnt a massive hit is a CRIME. an x-treme gameshow bop, and who knows how many times ive played it. i dont even know how to explain my love for this song other than it just bangs REAL hard

clc- no and me: i dont think i can really rank these two songs apart from each other. just two really solid hard-hitting songs that work with the ideas of “girl crush” and “empowerment” without falling into the annoying and grating parts that those songs often have. the styling, choreography, and execution is way above groups that are much bigger, and i just love clc

wjsn- 12 o’clock: it is blasphemous to say that i like this song more than cantabile and you got? maybe. Does not change my opinion tho. its just so...bouncy. i love it. this entire mini is amazing though.

Monsta x: stealer: ITS SO DRAMATIC. shout out to mx for being the only bg that is consistently wack and interesting i love them so much.

everglow- bon bon chocolat: this song still goes just as hard as it did when it came out. the truest banger released this year. with this and moon (also a fave), i cant wait for more.

im-scent: admittedly i do not listen to horizon pretty much at all but scent is just so good. a perfect melancholy little creation. and NO im not just saying that cause im biased i just really like this song

oh my girl: the fifth season: like many others, during the first verse of this song i was like this is it? really? but then that bomb of a chorus drops and this song becomes next level. it speaks for itself really. this album is also really good, though ive been in the mood for hype songs lately so checkmate speaks to me the most of the b-sides lol

bund-i mean bvndit- dramatic: i really liked hocus pocus as well but this song has a slight edge to it that made me really interested in the group. despite being a pretty standard trop house-style song, it just flows so well

favorite-loca: for me, the spanish trend is pretty hit-or-miss (as in i mean i only like it when ggs do it lol). but this song also has an amazing chorus that carries it

momoland- im so hot: this song is fun as hell fite me. sucks that momoland is in such a load of shit with members not appearing tho cause i love and would die for my girls. mld ent and the wack brigade of stan twitter momoland haters can fite me too.

fromis_9- love rum pum pum: im so predictable. retro pop sound=i love it. fun is nice but its a bit much ya know.

cherry bullet’s entire love adventure single: i really like really really despite it being kinda generic and something that i should scoff at, but ruddy and ping pong are even better? i didnt expect to like this groups music so much but their songs so far are charming i love my girls.

wjsn- lets dance: IM PREDICTABLE AND LOVE BANGERS’

hong jinyoung-rain of tears: SHUT UP I LOVE THIS SAD TROT BALLAD

twice- hot and breakthrough: new concept twice can kill me and id say thank you

yunho and boa- swing: im so glad that i force myself to listen to as many releases as possible because i probably woulda skipped over yunhos solo album but then i woulda missed this song and holy fuckin shit yall its another banger i love

red velvet-sunny side up: well duh

also the entire fuckin mini i made mini by idle and no1 by clc cause this is long but i just realized id have to list all of the bsides on them too fuck

shout out to my sexy girls girl crush and camila. In fact shout out in general to every sexy dance team and gg that gets more fancam views than your faves. Ive grown way attached to all of them honestly lmao

i feel bad not listing songs by them as like a TOP fave because theyre both my ult groups but despite being good overall the only standouts i really like from loona and izones minis are colors and highlight. butterfly really grew on me, but i often wake up at night in a cold sweat thinking about how loona as a group may never put out a song i like more than egoist or eclipse or love cherry motion or oecs mini

also shout out to moonlight by geegu because im just shocked they came back at all and only lost 3/9 members too. same with leggo by wannab though that song isnt as good. tmi by hot place as well for eurodance wack.

if you have made it this far you can now know the real song i have been listening to the most over the past week or so and that is time bomb by icia. i could go into detail and try to explain myself but i shall not. i love this fuckin song. in fact ive been more into ultra nugus than my faves lately. thank god for ultra nugus.

the end

#long post #words of mine #yes i typed this instead of doing my homework your point

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pinkletterday · 6 years

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Future Perfect

(A Westallen Campfire Tale)

(with new revisions)

Way back in S3, when I was still grappling with my unaddressed Westallen baggage, I made a Season 1 AU.

Dawn Allen of the original timeline follows Thawne and her father to Flashpoint but comes out in 2014. She gets stuck there much like Thawne did, because her timeline had been erased. So she creates a fake identity and gets a job at the CCPD as a fellow lab tech filling in for Barry while he's in a coma and decides to bide her time and watch over her father as he gains his powers.

In Dawn Allen's timeline, Barry's family moved away when he was twelve and he lost touch with Iris till he came back to Central and joined the CCPD. Meanwhile, Joe and Iris grew increasingly distant, Iris chafing at Joe's restrictions and Joe growing sterner and more fearful till they became alienated. When Iris discovered the truth about her mother, the estrangement was completed.

Barry and Iris fell in love almost immediately and married soon after. They were both much older when the Particle Accelerator blew and gave Barry his powers.

Iris was considered the first lady of the JLA and the matriarch of the Flashes. Dawn grew up idolizing her parents love story and their achievements, although always rather puzzled at her mother's distant relationship with Grandpa Joe. Henry died of natural causes in his fifties but Nora lived to old age and was a loving mother-in-law and grandmother.

When Dawn Allen arrives in 2014, she finds herself already losing memories of her beloved grandmother. She preserves all the memories of the original timeline in her own version of Gideon created by Barry expressly for his children, in which he has stored his and Iris's own memories to call their children home wherever they may be.

At first she is eager to see for herself how her parents' love story plays out. But soon gets upset when her mother starts sleeping with some guy who's also the ancestor of the man who destroyed their family. The upset turns to horror when she realizes Barry has no intention of telling Iris the truth.

With every bold-faced lie that drives the wedge between Barry and Iris further, Dawn becomes more and more disillusioned and heartbroken. She cant reconcile these people with the image she has of her parents. She was always cold to Eddie, but where once she was eager to please and warm with Barry, she now almost hates him.

But it's Joe that's the real cause of all this. Barry coming to live with them may have saved Joe and Iris's relationship, but neither of them ever challenged his authoritarianism and simply accepted his fear-based, patriarchal worldview. Henry and Nora weren't perfect but Barry growing up with a strong female presence meant that he never saw Iris as someone to be protected. Iris's hard-won independence and self-focus away from her father never materialized in this timeline, instead being caught up in the emotional needs of the men in her insular little family and letting it define her.

Things finally come to a head when Thawne finally reveals himself. Dawn takes him by surprise and helps Barry take him down but the timeline is irrevocably broken. Even if Barry went back and reset events, Dawn's own future would still be erased, and along with it her memories. She finally explodes, taking Joe and Barry to task for treating Iris with such disrespect, finally telling Eddie that she cant help resenting him for being the one who loves her mother the way Barry is supposed to and expressing her irrational unhappiness at how Iris hadn't chosen Barry, despite having been best friends for years. These are not the parents she has idolized, and she despairs of ever being able to return to the family she left behind, or see them the same way again.

Barry and Iris, Eddie and Joe see the memories Dawn's parents have stored in Gideon flashing through the time vault - their reconnecting, Barry proposing to Iris, their wedding, working as a team from the first, having children, Iris always being Barry's lightning rod.

Iris is betrayed and devastated and cant even begin to process it. Joe is bowed under the consequences of his duplicity. Barry is full of regret and guilt. Only Eddie finally realizes that no matter how much he loves Iris, he never had any place in this story.

Iris objects.

"I don't belong to anyone. My life is my own."

"Is it? So what. You're just going to let Dawn be erased?"

"I don't know. Am I supposed to just get over all of this so Barry and I can get together and save her?"

"That's up to you, Iris. All I know is that I don't belong here."

"That's not true. You belong to me. I'm choosing you, Eddie."

"There's a difference between choosing something just so you get to choose and choosing because you really want it, Iris."

"What're you saying?"

"I know you love me. But it's never been me you've really wanted."

Cisco then realizes that that timeline could not have disappeared without causing a paradox. The other timeline still exists, albeit in flux, anchored by Dawn's own presence as a time remnant. They figure out a way to use Dawn's memories stored in Gideon to piece the timeline back together so that it coalsces into an alternate universe running parallel to this one. Just as Barry created the speed force but once created it encompasses the length and breadth of time itself, they can create Dawn's universe so that it was always birthed by Earth1, which in turn created Dawn's AU, looping the universes together.

They have to use Eobard's expertise, Cisco's powers, Dawn's energy as a touchstone and Gideon's time drive to do this. At first it seems as though they have failed. Eobard turns on Dawn in a fury - only to be blasted back by her mother, appearing through the restored timeline like a wrathful Sigourney Weaver. Dawn's father, full-fledged, mature, experienced superhero, more than Thawne's equal, finally gets to fight his nemesis and beat him soundly.

In the aftermath, Dawnie sobs out all her woes in her parents arms. Instead of being appropriately shocked and horrified however, they are mostly concerned and amused. Iris reveals that she once walked out on Barry in the early years of his superhero career and that he moved out once when they were very small. The relationship Dawn has idolized has never been perfect, never been free of bad choices and conflict. But its still special because it means they chose to rebuild it time and time again, forgave each other and chose each other no matter what.

"We're not some gold standard, Dawnie. We're human and we mess up. That's how we know it's real."

Older Barry goes to talk to Iris. She asks him about what it was like when he first got his powers and worked as a team with his wife. Then asks him sadly what she had done to not be what her Barry needed. Older Barry tells her gently that we each wrestle with our own demons and the consequences of that struggle sometimes fall unwittingly on our loved ones, but not as a punishment. He tells her that he cant claim to be morally superior or better than his younger counterpart, because he doesn't know who he would be if his own parents had been ripped away, or who younger Barry would have become if Joe hadnt been there to protect and love him, flawed and imperfect as that love was. At the end of the day, Iris has to choose what she wants to do with those consequences. Nothing she chooses is either good or bad, but simply her own to face.

Older Iris speaks with Barry. To her amusement, he reminds her more of Don than her husband.

He says he is sorry to have treated her counterpart so shabbily.

"I think that's something she should hear, not me."

"Aren't you disappointed in me too?"

"Why? You're not my kid." She laughs, "Okay, so if I was her I'd kick your ass. But I'm not her. I've lived a lot longer and seen many stupid choices made by people who should know better. Fact is, Barr, you're a kid and you made a mistake. Doesn't mean you get a free pass, but it isn't the end of the world."

"What if she never forgives me?"

"Then you have to live with that. You have to live with it and still forgive yourself." *sigh* "You can't let your choices be defined by other people, Barry. Not even the ones you love. That's where you went wrong. You thought you'd tell her about your feelings only if she loved you. You thought you'd tell her the truth only if she saw you first. You didn't stand up to Joe because you were afraid of his disapproval. God knows no one can stop you once you go full tilt, Barry Allen, but you can't hold yourself back from the things you need to do because other people won't give you what you want."

"I was angry." *buries face in hands* "I told myself it was because Joe told me not to tell her, but honestly it was because I was angry. I woke up and she was with Eddie. She saw him, she saw the Flash but never ever saw me." *slumps* "I know that's awful."

*shrug* "It's how you felt. What you did was bad, but feelings aren't wrong or right. They just are."

"But he was better, wasn't he? Your Barry?"

"He's different. He lived a different life. We didn't grow up together. We weren't each other's first loves. He's not perfect, Barr. Neither am I. We've hurt each other pretty badly too. But he and I...we fall in love with each other a little more after every break. And every single time, it feels a little more precious."

Older Iris finally goes to see Joe. He's almost broken.

"Dawn told me I don't have much of a relationship with you where you come from."

"No. I was headstrong, you were controlling."

"Guess I'm destined to mess it up, then."

"Destiny has nothing to do with it. You were the one who lied. The one who's still lying." *meaningful look*

*crying* "I'm going to lose her forever, aren't I?"

"Maybe." *sigh* "I couldn't forgive you for the longest time. But then sometimes, with Barry, with my own kids...don't get me wrong, I hate what you did. But maybe I get why."

"I always told myself that it was to protect you. But I think it became more to protect myself."

*weary shrug* "That's usually how it goes. Kids are hard." *wry smile* "I guess we all only start forgiving our parents once we have our own."

*weak laugh* *scrubs face* "What do I do?"

"Let her go."

"What?"

"Let her go. Let her feel what she wants, do what she wants. Maybe she'll come back to you. But you need to build a life for yourself that doesn't involve her."

"I don't -"

"The only way to be a good parent is to stop living for your kid so your kid gets to live for themselves. Figure out who you are when you're not a cop or a father. You can't put it all on her...Dad."

"Guess you really have learned from my fuck-ups, huh?"

*modest shrug* "Can't make 'em all myself."

Cisco opens a portal and Older Barry and Iris stand flanking their daughter, saluting a final farewell to their younger counterparts and Joe.

Barry goes back to talk to Iris.

"You don't have to see me or talk to me," *leaning his forehead on her door, fingertips trailing over it as though to feel hers through the wood* "I know I haven't been any kind of friend that you deserve. But I need you to know. You asked me if I laughed at you, if I looked down on you. I never did. It wrecked me not to tell you, to hold myself back from telling you the truth. I don't even know why I did it. All I knew was that you looked at me the way I had wanted you to my entire life, and I was too greedy and selfish to let that go. I never let myself think what would happen when you finally found out. You know I'm good at not thinking about consequences. Like that time I tried to impress you by climbing old Mrs.Leroy's crabapple tree. I didn't think, I just did it and I got stuck, Iris. And this time you couldn't be there to talk me down. Because it was you I was hurting," *trying not to cry* "I don't know how to make it right with you, or if I ever can. I don't expect anything of you, or hope for anything more than you're ready to give. But please just let me know whatever you need to not hurt anymore. And I promise I will never ever lie to you about anything ever again" *chuckles through tears, remembering their old childhood vow* "I promise on all the mac and cheese in the world. On all the miles I'll ever run. On all the memories you've ever given me. On everything that I love. I promise, I promise, I promise." He wipes his eyes on his sleeve and leaves, not knowing that Iris is sitting down on the floor next to the door, silently crying.

In the morning he finds a letter telling him that she needs some space but she'll come back and talk once she's ready.

Six months later, Barry gets a call as he weaves through the summer rain in front of Jitters. It's Iris.

He stands stock still and stammers if she's decided to come back.

"Yeah, I have. I think I'm ready to make a clean start, if you are."

"God, yeah. I am," he laughs, bewildered by his good fortune. "I meant it, Iris, I don't expect anything -"

"I know," she says quietly. "And I don't think I'm ready for...that, yet. I might be, eventually though," the world stops and he's afraid to breathe wrong. "But I swear to God, Barry Allen, if you ever lie of hide anything from me again -"

"I won't, I swear! I promised didn't I?"

"Yeah. You did," he can hear the grudging smile in her voice and his heart lifts.

He clears his throat. "When are you coming? Do you want me to pick you up or-"

"I'm already here, actually."

"Wait what?"

"Look behind you."

Iris stands across the road, waving at him. He draws up in front of her as though in a dream.

"Hi," he breathes, a grin blooming uncontrollably.

She tucks a curl behind her ear, reflecting his tremulous joy back at him. "Hi."

Just like that, they fall in love again. And this time, it feels a little more precious.

#myfic #westallen #the flash #fic outline #plot #campfire tales #future perfect #freeform #s1 au #canon divergence #dawn allen

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mirkwoodshewolf · 7 years

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A Brother’s promise pt.1; Bucky x teen reader

Okay now that I’ve gotten up all my Peter Quill oneshots for Chris Pratt’s bday, I can now go back and finish up my Bucky masterlist and once that is all done, MY MASTERLIST WILL BE COMPLETELY UPDATES WOOOOOO!! Now be prepared for some brotherly feels but at the end it ends with angst but don’t worry I’ll post up pt. 2 immediately after this. I hope you guys enjoy it. Warnings for assault and swearing but other than that FEELS AND FLUFF.

Taglist:

@evyiione

______________________________________________________

*1943*

It was just your average Spring day up here in Brooklyn, NY. Except that we were on the brink of war with Germany. Able-bodied young men or veterans from the last World war signed up to join the allies and fight off Germany and the Axis powers and my brother was fortunately one of the men who had passed his physical exams and now was waiting for his orders to come in. It was fortunate for them because my brother was probably the best man they could have, but unfortunate for me personally because he's the only family I've got left, well except for Steve but let's face it I'm looking after him more than him for me *but poor sweetie he does try to defend me as best he can when it comes to boys wanting me for my body when my brother isn't around*.

I decided to go see a movie today after waking up to find the house empty, probably because Buck may have been called in to receive his orders. So since I had no responsibilities to do today I thought eh why not go see what cartoon's are showing in the cinemas today. I purchased my ticket and got a small candy bar to snack on during the movie. I managed to find a seat in the crowd and the lights dimmed ready for the movie to start. But just before the film started, an advertisement promoting what is happening over seas at the war and what we as fellow citizens can do to help the soldiers that are fighting to protect us. I began to think that maybe I could be a nurse since I am in a nursing program at school studying to become one after I graduate from High school.

But of course Big Brother Best Friend disagrees.

He thinks I should collect scrap metal and work in the factory or sew up uniforms, anything to stay here on American soil.

But it was then a male's voice cried out.

"Who cares! Would you just play the movie!" Very loudly and obnoxiously I might point out.

"Show some respect you asshole" I muttered as the ad continued to roll on how we as citizens can help.

"Come on! Let's go! Hey just start the cartoon!" The boy said again. He was even starting to make some people in the theater cry, angry, annoyed, even insulted at what he was saying because most of them had family members (like me) who were already in Europe fighting in the war some even had received word that either husbands, brothers or sons have been either Killed or Missing in action. My hands were shaking with rage at this asshole's mockery.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BASTARD!!!!" I exclaimed in rage as the male now stood up and turned around to face me. My eyes narrowed viciously.

I punched him across the face as we were now in an alleyway and kicked him in the balls making him cringe and fall to the ground.

"Maybe next time you'll have some respect for the men in the uniform! Especially towards their family members!" I was mainly speaking about Bucky and how anyone who disrespects the soldiers disrespects him personally and I HATE when people talk about my brother in a negative or cruel way behind his back. I adjusted my purse and walked away from the alleyway but then the next thing I knew I was tackled from behind and pushed up against the wall with my arms pinned to my side and my chin being grasped in this scum's free hand.

"You know, I like a woman with fire in her. You'd make a pretty cute doll". He forced his lips on mine making me scream and try to push him off me but he made sure to keep my hands pinned and my legs immobile by pinning his whole body on top of mine.

"HEY!!" The boy was soon pulled away from me and standing protectively in front of me now was my Brother Bucky Barnes. "Didn't anyone ever tell you to treat women nicely, especially girls that are younger than you!" He snarled protectively. The bully tried to throw a weak punch at my brother but he dodged it and sucker punched the bully across the jaw before literally kicking him in the butt towards the wall and pinning him against it while taking his wrists and pulling his arms behind him. The bully cried out in pain as my brother sneered, "now you apologize to my sister or you'll have to find a way to walk without your arms OR your legs!" Bucky pulled the bully's arms back further making him cry out in agony. "APOLOGIZE!"

"OKAY MAN OKAY!! I'M SORRY I'M SORRY I'M SORRY! UNCLE MAN UNCLE!!"

"Now get out of here!" Bucky tossed him aside and kicked him in the butt again and this time the bully ran as fast as his legs could carry him. Bucky turned towards me and said."Sometimes I think I should just put a leash on you so you don't go running into trouble".

"Like that would honestly work Buck, besides I managed to beat him up a bit before the bastard took me by surprise".

"Uh-huh".

"I did! I kicked him in the balls!"

"Alright now watch your language young lady, what would mom say if she could hear you talk like this?"

"She'd make me wash my mouth off with soap over ten times". Bucky then grabbed my purse from the floor just a bit away from where I was tackled and handed it back to me which I accepted and finally took notice of his uniform. "You got your orders?" Bucky looked down at himself and said.

"The 107th, Sargent James Barnes, and shipping out for England first thing tomorrow". My heart dropped. Tomorrow? He was leaving so soon? This early after being drafted for only a few weeks. I clenched the handle of my purse and said solemnly.

"Guess we should go home and pack your stuff". I didn't want him to leave this early, truthfully I didn't want him to leave at all. I know it sounds selfish of me but hey I'm his little sister so I've gotta be selfish at least once or twice right?

Bucky smiled softly and wrapped his arm around my shoulder bringing me close and noogied me softly,

"Hey come on sis, it's my last night. Don't make me remember my baby sister with a frown on her face".

"I'm not a baby!" I retorted.

"Yes you are, you're my wittle baby-waby sister!" Bucky teased.

"Shut up jerk-face!" I pushed on his chest freeing myself from his grip and adjusted my hair from his brotherly noogies. I grinned back at him and exclaimed "race yah home!" Bucky then ran after me and the two of us raced back to our apartment.

Just when I was about to win by reaching the stairs, I was picked up and placed at the side of the stairs by Bucky allowing him to run up the stairs first.

"Hey! No fair! Cheater!"

"All's fair in love and war sister dear! Besides you never established ground rules!" I raced after him and then he reached the door first and a few seconds later I got to the door. "What took you so long slow-poke?"

"You cheated and you know it. I feel sorry for the 107th division knowing that they'll have a cheater on board their unit".

"Wanna repeat that?" As I unlocked the door then as soon as I got it open, he head-locked me and dragged me inside as the two of us playfully growled and cried out battle cries and sounds as we wrestled until he had me pinned on the couch.

"Get off me you goober!"

"Sorry what was that?"

"Oh I know you can hear me jerk-face!"

"Come again. I can't hear over the sounds of how awesome I am".

"Oh that's really mature Buck, now get off me pretty please?" I then busted out my secret weapon.

The triple decker, sweet and adorable bunny face *with nose twitch*. I leaned up against his face allowing my nose to twitch against his cheek as he exclaimed in a playfully dying tone.

"Oh no, not that! No please stop it, I can't take it. It's too much, Oh God no I cant--I......" He then fell to the ground "dead" with his tongue hanging out the side of his mouth.

"Take that Sargent, not even a hard core soldier can withstand the power of the Bunny face!" It was then Bucky suddenly tackled me back onto the couch making the two of us laugh. As we began to settle down, my sadness soon started coming back to me. My eyes lost their happy sparkle and my lips formed into a frown.

"Hey, come here you," Bucky lifted me up and held me close to his chest allowing me to cry into his shoulder. "Shhh, easy girl, easy, easy now. Shhh, it's okay, okay it's okay shh".

"I'm gonna miss you Buck, I wish you didn't have to go".

"And believe me when I say that I wish I didn't either. But we need all the soldiers we can get, I have to go, besides they'll need a little class with me over there". We both softly laughed then Bucky raised my chin up to look me in the eyes and said as he wiped away my tears, "but please (y/n), don't let my last memory of you be you crying for me, I want to see that beautiful smile on your face can you show me that smile now?" With my tears and broken heart I couldn't quite give him that 'ray of sunshine' smile he says I have, but my lips did twitch a bit in a lope-sided smile. "Now that wasn't it, I deserve to see that smile, even if I have to force it outta yah". He then began tickling my sides.

I thrashed and tried to escape his tickly hands but he had me trapped against the couch and him but each time I tried to push him away, he would move onto the next available open space to tickle me. After awhile of begging, he finally stopped and allowed me to breathe.

"And I even got to hear that beautiful laugh too, a bonus for Big Brother".

"Yeah--right...... you nearly tickled me to death you jerk!" Bucky grinned smugly but then his face softened as he stroked my hair out of my eyes and tucked them behind my ear. "Oh God, I soaked your uniform with my stupid tears".

"Hey, don't worry about that that'll dry quick no one will notice, but you however are a different story (n/n)" he wiped my tears away with his thumb and continued, "I'll make sure to write as much as I can, and if that knucklehead Steve stays here, he'll be here to take care of you. I won't let myself be killed that easily because I have something else important worth fighting for besides freedom". He smiled at me and I smiled back at him. "There it is, there's that smile I've been waiting for" he kissed my forehead, cheeks, and nose before Eskimo kissing me making me softly laugh.

"Promise you'll come back home safe and sound?" He stroked my cheek and said.

"I'll promise this; when and if I come back from the war, as soon as we're back together. You. Me. The old cabin in the woods, just like when we were kids. We'll take the trail that mom and dad took us on every year we went there, and it'll just be the two of us together camping the whole time for 3 months, how's that sound sis?" The old cabin just my Big brother and I? Catching fireflies, watching the stars and making pictures with them, roasting marshmallows making s'mores, doing everything we use to do when we were kids?

Heck yeah that sounded good.

I sniffled and nodded with a smile on my face. Bucky smiled back and embraced me back as he kissed my head softly as he stroked my hair.

"I love you baby sis".

"Love you too Big Brother Best Friend".

*FF TWO YEARS LATER*

Hoping to have my brother back soon with news of the allies winning gave me hope that that camping trip was still on. But it wasn't until I heard a knock at the door. I opened the door revealing a group of men, one of them actually being the famous Howard Stark, and a woman.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes are you Miss (y/n) Barnes?" The woman asked.

"Yes I am, why?"

"Miss Barnes my name is Agent Peggy Carter, your brother and friend Steve Rogers fought along side us, Howard Stark helped design Captain Roger's weapons and these other gentlemen were apart of the Howling Commandos alongside your brother, there was to be a telegram to be sent to you but we felt like you should receive the news in person," Peggy then began to tell me how my brother fell off a movie train during a mission defending Steve, and how Steve saved the city of New York by putting the ship in the water.

My heart stopped and my body froze.

Next thing I remember, I'm leaning against Miss Carter crying as I fell to my knees. My brother and best friend whom I've considered another big brother are both dead. But that wasn't the worse thing, as crazy as it sounds it wasn't the worst thing.

The worst thing was that Bucky broke his BBBFF promise to me.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x teen reader #captain america fanfiction #brotherly fluff #fluff #angst end #brother bucky

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wang-yeon · 7 years

Text

Chewing gum (Park Jimin X reader)

Warning: cursing, sexual themes, smut I guess, raunchy language, mentions of alcohol, slight mention of drugs but not really, fluffy fluff

Summary: y/n has enough piled on her plate being a full time college student and began a virgin is added to the list. In seek to ridden her purity she attempts to find the right guy. Little does she know that the right guy is more interested in something else rather than her purity.

college is a stressful time for any young adult struggling with their inner bullshit. Each day you are faced with a new face on campus. A new story. Friendships bond over simple conversations that start from inconsequential talk to a mind bending relationship. Just the simple thought is to send anyone into over drive. The simple crave to have a relationship was enough to impassion or have great value to someone resulting in a great impact in there lives. enough to last a life time.

Out of all the faces in the crowd that including mine, I was the only sad bastard that desired this feeling while everyone else establish it without minding a blink. If only they knew how lucky they truly were to have a lucky someone. It doesn't even have to be someone, anyone. Sometimes we just need anyone. It doesn't matter who it is. Just anyone to remind us what's it like to live in the moment, and feel something before its over completely.

Sure I did have that one person that attempted to pursue these unrealistic goals. His name was Jeon Jungkook , but he often went by the name of Jungcock. I remember that specific moment he tried to be that anyone, making me live in the moment but very poorly.

I had came to the conclusion that it was a brilliant idea to lose my virginity the night me and jungkook had attended a forced religious study brought to you by my ever so 'loving' parents. This making it the perfect setting to fuck, sorry to put it bluntly but these were the thoughts that once surfaced my sick teenage brain. Of course the mood hadn't been set, while I was completely ignoring it jungkook was soaking in the awkwardness.

Many attempts later trying to get jungkook off he finally lets out a cry, which I totally took the wrong way. Thinking it was a cry from pleasure I began jerking him off faster making his face contort into a painful expression. I evidently got the hint once he busted out into tears. I had planned the night out to the brim but what I didn't imagine was to have a crying jungkook, patting him awkwardly as he poured out his gay fantasies.

Safe to say ever since that night I had reminded a virgin. Which isn't wrong I just didn't want to live this depriving life anymore. yes there was always porn but that never works out for me. see before the porn even started I would already find myself turned on, just like any horny virgin stuck in college.

As soon as I would click on the 'adult entertainment' the plot beings instantly killing my lady boner. it doesn't add up to me, I come on the site for one thing to simple pleasure myself by seeing a 7-10 minute film filled with satisfying moans but instead I'm faced with a full on movie with a real plot as if they are gonna win a Oscar.

I had been convinced that my vagina had been broken. so I hide myself from the world. Surviving from ramen noodles and red bulls I was all set. I was to afraid that the world would perceive me differently because of this. People would often use my virginity to their advantage, seeing my purity as a prize. My only source being able to hide. until my roommate told me other wise. she had brought up how I wasn't being social that being one of the reasons my vagina had magically stopped working. It just gave up.

My vagina wants convinced no one wanted it because it was untouched and pure. Like a flower, if that flower was all fucked up suffering from her dumbass roommate.

Hours passed as she attempted to revamp my whole being. almost to the point of looking like a stripper. not to insult the strippers out there, I'm sure your definitely doing better off then me. the only reason why I decided to try and go to this party was not because of my new found appearance or because my roommates boyfriend namjoon would be getting the alcohol but because I was simply promised food.

nothing more nothing less.

there wasn't even food.

nothing but alcohol.

My roommate had left me by the time we got through the door leaving me to awkwardly pretend like I'm having an intimate fake conversation on the phone. "whos the lucky guy?" my attention was cut sort as I turned around being faced with a cheeky brunette who I must say had an award winning smile. His face was sure enough to kick start my broken vagina

(I am so sorry, I wrote this at 2am and I am now realizing what the fuck is wrong with me)

"the guy on the phone, or is it a girl. It is the 21st century and all." the overly handsome boy said pointing to my phone.

He must had heard the conversation between me and...well nobody sensing I had no one to talk to besides myself.

"Oh it was nobody." I say waving him off a with a slight smile, one that couldn't compete to his. it was weird that I was feeling such fondness to someone I haven't properly met, but damn was he good to look at.

"Oh well if it was nobody then I guess they wouldn't mind if I introduced myself." I never nodded my head as fast I did in that moment, I swear I almost broke my neck. I was still in the process of trying to figure out what he wanted to do with me. if only he knew what lied beneath all this stripper exterior. again no disrespect to strippers.

"My name is park jimin, but you can just call me jimin I don't mind. what about you? a beautiful girl like you must have a name."

He had me wrapped around his finger

"Oh my names Y/N, you can call me Y/N noting special I'm sorry." I played off my awkwardness with a quick deprived laugh.

"woah."

"what?" I began to panic searching my face for any minor detail on my face as his small statement worried me.

"Oh nothing, its just I cant believe someone as perfect as you could also share the name of a goddess." Jimin held a sweet exterior and I wanted nothing more than to see what he could actually be capable of when he gets the upper hand. it took everything in me to not rip his clothes off.

a small tug on my dress brought me out of my 'I need to fuck jimin' phase, as I turned around a complete bored expression painted my face. my roommate had come in at the most imperfect time. she had been the one to come up with the idea to get my broken vagina back in the works. I haven't even seen her this entire party and she pops up now. this must mean that I wasn't meant to have sex with jimin.

ha lets be honest I'm still gonna have sex with jimin.

but before I could take any sort of action my oh so lovely roommate decided to tug me off with her to a beer pong table. Jimin still sported his loving smile while I was being tugged away but soon deflated as I grew further away. well looks like I lost the only chance of sex tonight. I was placed at the head of the table, the horizon filled with seas of solo red cups with what I assumed were filled with beer.a happy roommate by my side wishing I could share the same expression but remained the unamused expression. That was until I found out who we were playing against.

"Hey jimin get over here, I cant lose to my girlfriend and her roommate." my head immediately shot up at namjoons mention of jimin. my head fully coming up from its previous stances as I face jimin.

He flashes me a smirk and bites his lips as he made eye contact with me. I noticed that he had gained more confidence due to his kill worthy actions and as I look over at the cups in my view and cant help but eagerly wonder how much more confidence jimin can gain by the simple sip of a cup. or two. the couple of rounds were spent by many laughs and the splashes of the ball hitting the intoxicating beer. as the rounds went on we saw the game as nothing but a blur enjoining each others company.

namjoon and roommate had been all over each other while me and jimin oh so subtlety flirted and shared affectionate glances. these actions were enough to send me into over drive.

I began to completely forget about the game as the sound of the ball hitting the rim clinked in my ears every chance I got. jimin retrieved the ball before sparing me a glance.

"This shot goes out to my lucky lady!" Jimin said clearly intoxicated but so was everyone at that party including myself. he still managed to make my heart swell even in his drunken oblivion.

"Go ahead kiss the ball baby, your my little good luck charm." jimin said shoving the ball in my face.

This situation already was weird by his choice of words but grew weirder as he shoved the ball in my face. none of the less I kissed the ball still remaining eye contact with him which he found oddly sexy.

"Maybe one on the lips for extra good luck." Oh park jimin was gonna be the death of me. I had to be a complete idiot to deny this. I placed my arms around his neck as he placed his around my waist. our lips were centimenairs apart, thesecual tensions driving us to close the gap.

"Hey don't give him all of your luck, we don't want them to win!" my roommate said as she proceeded to pull me and jimin apart. we both let out a loud sigh going back in our previous position. remind me to get a new roommate. eventfully jimin made the cup earning a satisfying splashing victory fill his teams ears.

I quickly reached for the cup noticing it being different from the cups, it being marked as 'the krusty krab secret formula'. Of course I drank it but as everyones face twisted into a scared expression I went quiet.

"Woah, whats wrong with you guys?"

"Joon, she took the special one...The dru-"

"I fucking know, cant you see me freaking out. maybe she'll be okay."

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN SHELL BE OKAY?! She just took a few grams of-"

"Lets go to the pool!"

Those had to be the most awkward moments for me. I stood there silently observing as namjoon and roommate attempted to have a quiet conversation about something I couldn't catch on to. I could tell jimin was just as confused as I was, but couldn't really focus on anything as I began to see pretty shapes and colors I could distinguish.

I somehow managed to make my way to the pool, in a very unstable fashion do to the liquids in my system. Everyone in the pool had took the liberty to swim in their underwear, so I followed along.

I felt a small tap on my shoulders turning around being faced with a the shit eating smirk that was painted on his face ever since the alcohol began lurking in his system. this was certainly a good thing as it was directing us to have a more direct conversation rather than sober.

"I thought I lost you for a second, couldn't lose someone as beautiful as you." To jimin he may have been saying the most simplest of things to me it was as if he was reciting a poem deep from his heart. For all I know he probably says this to countless amount of girls, what made me so special?

I quickly covered it up with a laugh and splashing water in his face which wasn't the best idea. The water had gotten trapped in his hair causing the once straight hair to become wet and stick to his forehead. Making him grow hotter.

Jimin responded by grabbing me by the waist and placing me on his shoulder, letting a yelp fall from my mouth.

"Jimin let me down." I protested but secretly knew that I didn't want him to let go. "Alright." Jimin obliged as he let go of me, a loud splash filled the atmosphere as both our bodies fell underneath the pools surface. I closed my eyes attempting to reach the surface of the pool before feeling a body collide with mine. I quickly came up to the surface with a dazed expression as my arms were locked around jimins neck and his on my waist.

It was sure enough to shock the both of us being in that position but was it a bad thing. "Look at that, I think I saved your life."

"I think you deserve an award due to such braver." I knew that my comment was risky but my actions were enough to diagnose me as borderline crazy. I had managed to easily wrap my legs around jimins waist bringing us at a closer proximity.

"Oh? I was hopping for just a kiss." Of course he was. Jimin didn't want me. He was far better then any of the guys I had ever thought of losing my virginity to. I took my legs off from around him. Looks like I was shit out of luck.

"I mean it certainly isn't a bad thing. I'm sure every part of you looks good...taste good." Jimin said seductively licking his lips as he brought my legs back around his waist. My cheeks began to flame a crimson color at his statement.

"Is this what you say to all of your girls?"

"I'm flattered that you think I have girls lined up but when will you notice it's only you. Your so beautiful. Every aspect of you. Your personality. Your beautiful body. Your perfect baby." Jimin finished his heartfelt sentence with a firm squeeze on my ass making it the icing on the cake.

I carefully brought my lips to his needing the feel of our lips together. The kiss started off slow almost as afraid it would end at any moment but as it progressed we began to become intoxicated by he kiss. The alcohol already consuming our system has added to the ecstasy flowing through as intensifying the feeling. Jimin backed slowly to the pool wall his hands beginning to wander to my core. My stomach tightened at his gesture letting a low moan fall from my lips. Encouraging his confidence.

"I wanna feel you baby, is that okay?" I nodded eagerly as his hands guided his way to my heat. His hands began to circle around my clit as he began kissing my neck leaving his love bites. Truth be told was I never had an orgasm, well no guy had ever gave me an organism. It was usually always my sex deprived self left alone to take care of my business making this a completely different experience. It had gotten so intense to the point that I couldn't control my moans. Jimin attempted to silence them with his lips only making me crave the moment even more.

He began to tease my opening, the euphoria coming in contact with my body once again. I couldn't take it anymore the feeling of the euphoria running through my body sending it into overdrive. I quickly grabbed jimins hands signaling him to stop. After all the setting we were in was a pool. Surrounded by people. Clearly Jimin couldn't help it. Somehow he did manage to extract his hands from my heat.

"Sorry, you were just so wet I couldn't help myself." It's like he wanted to take me right then and there which I would have obliged to but due to the scene sadly the circumstances couldn't have been the same.

"Jimin, it's like your trying to kill me!" I said hitting Jimin lightly on the arm embarrassed by his abrupt statement. Jimin thought nothing of it as he smiled into my neck giggling lightly.

"Don't hide your smile, it makes me insides melt." maybe the alcohol lurking in my system wasn't as good as his. I couldn't stop the flow of words leaving my mouth. each coming out after the next, each word more dirtier than the next. Even though jimin had the chance to swim away from me he didn't, choosing to stay. I had came to the conclusion that he was absoultuly insane, lucky for him I am to. obviously.

"Well I have to say seeing you in such minimal clothing really makes me want me take you here right now." Jimin said going along with conversation but his dirty talk was far better than mine, it also having a greater affect.

"And seeing you in this pool,water all over your body. Oh baby I'm sure you can be wetter than this." By this point I was dripping and ready for my virginity to be gracefully taken by park jimin.

We had managed to stumble up the steps with drunken kisses in search of the nearest bedroom in need to relieve the tension. Panic began to roll through my body as we entered the room, jimin quickly closing the door pushing me into the wall where he continued to kiss me. His hands soon diverted to the inside of my thighs growing closer to my heat. This simple action caused a loud moan to escape from my lips surprising jimin before a dark expression rolled over his face.

Jimin quickly picked me up placing me on the bed where he got in between my thighs ever so slightly and gently grinding against my core. At an agonizing rate. I wanted more lifting my hips meeting his thrusting making him let a deep groan but silencing it as his lips connected to my neck, me responding constantly to each mark he made.

"Hey can we try something?" I said in a quiet voice, not trusting myself to speak to loud afraid I would let out a loud moan. Jimin nodded his head but still continued his journey on leaving soft purple marks on my neck. I pushed him back a little before taking my shirt off causing jimins heart to quicken and his eyes to widen.

"Um may...May touch..Your um." I laughed at the new jimin before me. One who was stuttering due to nervousness. It was as if the confidence drained from him as I gided his hands to my clothed boobs. it was cute to see him venerable. His hands remained stiff before he squeezed them slightly making a quiet moan leave my lips.

This obviously encouraging him he continued his actions before I reached to updo my bra to which he stopped me. "Hey its okay, we don't have to do any drastic."

"Oh, um okay." I took my hand away from my bra straps bringing them to my side.

I had never gone this far with a guy and when I almost had they were never as indering as jimin was. I looked over his features before placing his face in my hands connecting our lips together. I climbed on his lap enjoying the sounds falling from his lips and I'm sure he felt the same as for me. I slowly grinded my hips feeling his member poke my thigh.

I proceeded to take off his shirt feeling over his muscles liking the skin to skin contact. our tonuges began to battle for dominance, I gided my ran to his member causing me to win the battle. I quickly reached for his zipper bringing it down before he stopped me.

"Hey calm down, we don't have to go this fast. We don't even have to have sex if you want to?" It cared that he worried about me and my thoughts but in reality I wanted nothing more but to fuck him and finally be ridden rom my virginity. "sorry I'm just really nervous."

"hey its okay like I said we don't have to do anything, I still think your a cool girl." a cool girl? I wanted be so much more than a cool girl, but I didn't protest instead just silently accepting.

"Yeah, we can still hang out, without doing anything major."

"Yeah, I would love to keep on talking to the beautiful girl I met tonight. Well I guess I should take you home." And just like that my virginity dreams were crushed.

jimin had managed to drive me back to my dorm room with the help of making sure I was in the right state of mind. I invited him into the dorm with open arms as he excepted it insisting he needed to nurse me back to health. aka he wanted to have sex with me. at least I think I sat fidgeting on my bed as jimin retrieved some water for me, and then proceeding to sit on the bed with me crossing his fingers. as we both sat in silence.

filling the air with tension.

"I'm sorry." I say as my lips quivered realizing my idiotic behavior that occurred throughout the night.

"Oh baby you don't need to be sorry, sure the night didn't go as we planned but one thing for sure is that I met a beautiful girl through it."

Their he goes again saying romantic things making my heart swoon. why did he have to be so perfect. to perfect. someone I couldn't get no matter how hard I longed for.

"Oh please, I'm not beautiful. sure with the makeup I look descent but besides that, I look identical to a trashcan." Jimin had a bored expression playing on his face as these words left my mouth not beliving a word that flowed from my mouth.

"Okay you want me to be honest? You remind me of a flower, a flower that is anything but beautiful and worthy, at least that's what people may think. but when you bloom and open up to the people around you that's when your beauty shows. You need to open up to people more instead of opening your legs to get to the source, because that doesn't matter like your personality ."

Sure the beginning of the sentence didn't begin off oh so glamorous but it was the message that he proclaimed that caused his statement to come off sincere. In that moment I realized that I was looking for something when something else had already found me. what I'm trying to say is that I was seeking to lose my virginity something that means a lot to a person, that's all I was focused on.

While jimin was focused on the likeability, he didn't care about my sex appeal just about my heart. That's all he was seeking for, just someone he could care for. He found me. I was to naïve to realize it. I was lost in my head. He was lost in his heart. He wasn't as lost as I was, I was far beyond lost that I couldn't make sense of it or why it was meant for me but yet I began to be drawn to it all.

Now as we lay in my bed mindlessly kissing Id like to think after all the tragic events that occurred that somehow he feels the same. So perhaps being connected to someone and not in a sexual derogatory manor but rather as a close relationship. This being something I had craved all along. The need to need someone, anyone.

Jimins hands carefully holding my waist making me feel like I am as fragile and delicate as a doll. His care makes me feel as if I was his main priority. Its crazy after one night how quick a connection can occur between two people. weather it be a friendship or sexual encounter.

I had thought about what the world thinks of me. My appearance. my personality. My virginity. every aspect of me. I have thought about this for so long that some parts of me have changed to fit the life of others I achieved to once be. I can see now that virginity has nothing to do with these aspects.Just some sorry excuses i used, blocking out the real problem. I longed for a human connection.

His soft snores filled my ears his arms wrapping tighter around me as if he's afraid that ill leave. I had someone who cares about me and shows open affection, and if at least one person can see my true self/ beauty instead of seeing my virginity as a title. then I can have the will power to show my true self and actually open up to the people I care for the most.

A/n I wanted to post this story sometime sooner but turns out a special person was giving birth and I had to go witnesses it and I saw EVERYTHING but I manage to finish the writing while she gave birth. also I'm thinking about a part two

#park jimin x reader #park jimin smut #park jimin imagines #jimin x reader #jimin smut #jimin imagine #bts scenarios #bts jimin #bts jimin x reader #imagines #bts #jimin fanfic #park jimin fanfic

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