#so much to do!! ive learned a lot and i cant wait to learn even more in this final process

[mrfoox]

Just remembered how after my autistic diagnose every offical person was so careful to approach me about it at first. I know that's probably standard bc not everyone will like those news or know how to handle it but I legit just had doctors go 'hey... So... Are you okay? How do you feel?' and I was like 'haha, nice, so I haven't just been faking/now I know why I'm so different'

[toastsnaffler]

woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better

[alphalesbian]

Youll just be minding your own business when all of a sudden the inherant intimacy of solo instrumental music is realized upon you. Like youre just supposed to proceed normally after

[saintobio]

HELLOOO FINALLY GOT TO SEND AN ASK!!!

first of allllll…. i think the time momjo sending the child guardian paper (?) that satoru typed out of anger is a hint…. and then satoru telling yn that sachiro called akemi mama… this honestly hurts alot more, imahine carrying your baby for 9 months, taking care of baby sachiro for 3 years alone, all the sleepless nights… and sachiro just ugh u dumbass small brain toddler (literally). anyways, satoru looking at akemi during suguru and shoko’s wedding, his hand rubbing akemi’s stomach at the cabin when she was in pain. honestly this part was akemi faking her pain or…? cuz there was a line that said after satoru asked if she wanted to go home her face didnt show anymore pain ? lololll idk. i dislike (hate) gojokemi but i think theyre gonna be endgame with all these theories coming up oh godddd. and the way yn threw the necklace into the lake, satoru went to search for it but did he manage to find it ? no. but during sn yn (well, suguru) found gojos wedding band. so in sy, yn threw away satoru’s “heart”, and it was never found again, thats a hint (?) bruhhh i hate thissss (i love this so much actually it made me feel so much i love u saint) i also recall the first time satoru and akemi first did it together he said smthg like i could learn to love u ? if i remember correctly. and the morning at the cabin after yn and gojo did it, yn was crying bcs they had a heartfelt talk ? and u mentioned they both felt guilty. the guilt is…. yeah.

BUT ALSO, satoru once said that yn has always been the one, sera when she saw gojo after forever told sukuna that he looks different when hes being with akemi, like hes not being himself? but that was when they first got together so idk about now. him not calling gojokemi exclusive. oh how they were happy and loving when yn got pregnant 🥹 but well it lasted until… yeah. also u said something about gojo gonna be on his knees again, since yn is now depressed and suicidal, i think for her heart disease shes gonna sign a DNR, then satoru on his knees maybe begging the doctors idk gawd idk someone mentioned dnr and i just… 🙂 its not that she wanna leave sachiro either, but i think shes telling herself everything will be better if she dies since sachiro, still very young, doesnt even really remember yn (just why sachiro) and called akemi mama… also why the hell didnt gojo use protection when fucking akemi oh gawd pls hate u satoru if she gets preggo.

anyways, i cant wait for gen to be back. i love u gen and ian.

oooh i also remember that you said there was a scene that inspired the birth of sn/sy, was it in chapter 11 ? or we’re not there yet…

honestly why dont yn just join shoko and suguru and be in a happy poly relationship ever looollll just kidding. my heart hurts, im still all in for gojoyn endgame but it doesnt seem realistic. ive been cursing gojo and akemi ever since the chapter came out loolll gotta give myself credit for being able to do my exams while still thinking bout this. 💀

omg there’s a lot to unfold here idk where to start 😭 but i just wanna say, it’s amazing how you’re so thorough in remembering those details in sn/sy bcos i honesty don’t have enough attention span to do that !!! sdjsj now while i can’t answer everything you mentioned, i can say a few things:

- akemi isn’t faking her pain, she’s truly struggling from it

- gojo doesn’t want kids outside of marriage (or should i say if not with yn), so he’s definitely careful with it.

- yes, it is indeed sy11 that birthed the sequel :’) i had that scene in mind before sn was even finished

[secretlilsis]

"And what would I know about love?" She asked him, her eyes clear - yet no vibrancy left in them. It was that moment he knew he had her. All his hard work had payed off. She was the adoptive little sister he had never known he needed. He needed her for himself, to help her heal, to see her look up to him.

"Everything I taught you." He said. She chucked bitterly, "You love me, yeah?" Her voice was sour. Yet she did not pull away from his embrace, lying close to him, feeling each others breath. "Well shithead, I know you *only* dote on me because you have something to prove to yourself. You need me to show you youre *worth* something afterall. Each time dad beats you, you come to me .. and I pick you back up again. And youre there for me. And youre devoted. And youre obsessive. But love?" He presses his body against her more tightly. Waiting to see where shes going with this, feeling slight tension in his jaw. "Maybe what you have to offer me is better than love anyways. Its as good as it gets. Its all I ever wanted." She then speaks, her voice cracking up, feeling vulnerable. She puts his hands between her legs, and his eyes widen in shock. "Ive been wanting you to fuck me for a while now.. Acting like youre some knight on a white horse.. Doting on me.. Protecting me.. Giving me everything ive ever wanted. I dont mind that youre my big brother, really. I want you anyways."

Her voice almost sounded like she didnt care at all, about anything. He knew she must still be in a lot of emotional turmoil and pain. Whatever had happened to her before she had been adopted into his family, surely had not let go of her. Carefully he started to move his finger to play with her clit through her panties, and her sweet voice vibrated against the nabe of his neck - he could make her sound like that. It felt satisfying to him.

"For christs sake.." She whispered. "I cant take it. I dont want dumb foreplay. Come on, show me your obsession then. Show me how you *really* feel."

He acted on pure instinct after that, he pinned her beneath him - roughly, yet still careful not to actually hurt her. Looked at her like he loved to do, and then forced a tongue-kiss on her, one that she willingly accepted. Fondling her breasts like a madman. Before he could think, he had undressed her and pushed himself inside her wet pussy. She was aching for him, he knew it. And he wanted her. He wanted to protect her, keep her safe - wanted to see her happy. Yet he also felt this impatience, this anger, this need to own, control and destroy... but seeing her willingly shake her hips to meet his dick faster.. all he could do was keep fucking her, and fucking her and fucking her. His hands wrapped themselves around her throat, before he himself recognised it. So gently.

"You want to do it harder, dont you?" She said as if it was obvious to her. He found it difficult to assess what the tone of her voice meant, if she was silently judging, if she was inviting it, if she was tolerating it. She had never made less sense to him than in that moment.

"Do it then. Do it as hard as youd like. Even if you choke me out one inch of my life.. I wont complain. I like that you want me like that. But love? No, thats not love."

"Its the love I am capable of." He only said in response, not even wavering, he did not push down on her throat and he did not choke her harder.

"I dont need to choke you so hard you almost die, you havent tried to leave me or betray me. Why would I need to do that to you? Im not sure you yourself understand how my love works yet. But youll have time to learn. Just as ill have time to understand you even better." Her pussy was squeezing his cock tightly, and her moaning voice drowned out any doubt she mustve felt, any reservation about him she might still have.

"I love you big brother.." She winced, sounding so in the heat of the moment. Sounding so aroused. So lovely. "I love you so much... Ive never loved anyone, ever, before.." He kissed her lips once more, forced his tongue inside once more, whilst he kept fucking into her wet and welcoming pussy. Feeling her body all over.

"I love you too." He said. She looked like she wanted to disagree, but she didnt, instead she just kept moaning for him, taking him, allowing him to fuck her as hard as he wanted.

Breathless they came undone with each other.

[evansboyfriend]

i cant watch the tsunami eps 😭 ive only watched it once and then skipped one or both eps on the 2nd rewatch. it was so stressful!!!! i knew christopher was gonna be ok - the joys of watching the whole show years after the air dates - but it was still so fucking stressful!

however in revisiting the source material (3x01):

i literally *just* realised bobby was lying through his teeth telling buck that "chief alonso" and "the department" are concerned about "liability issues" - not that he was wrong to be worried because buck was cleared and recertified and then he coughed up blood and passed out and what he said that the doctors don't know what's causing the clots + buck being on blood thinners = yeah, you shouldn't be putting yourself in risky situations. which. is the whole job.

and i also just realised buck quit because bobby said he would only ever be cleared for light duty. i honestly thought buck was wrong to quit instead of waiting until his health issues got sorted. even if it had already been 5 months since has was on medical leave. see aforementioned coughing up blood and passing out. but bobby wanting to bench him FOREVER? because of *his* own personal issues? real "i made a mistake so im putting my kid under lock and key so they dont make the mistake" energy of overprotective parents.

and you know what you could do if you believe your subordinate and/or "son" is putting too much focus on his job and not enough on outside-of-work life? send him to ✨ counselling ✨ (hey, he has the authority to issue department mandated therapy like he did for eddie in s5, no?) go learn all about work life balance, buck. so. big L for bobby, tbh. maybe he should go to some self-mandated counselling too, huh?

AND THEN. BUCK SURVIVES A WHOLE ASS TSUNAMI. SAVES HIMSELF + KEEPS CHRISTOPHER SAFE (before the second wave hits iirc?) + SAVES A BUNCH OF OTHER PEOPLE. and bobby sees all that and still doesn't budge? like. he's clearly alright.

speaking of people too lost in their own issues to sympathise with buck who's going through a fucking rough period: *side eyes eddie* (even though dragging buck out of bed and sending him off with christopher is one of the most genius moves. need me a freak like that when im in the depression pit 😔) (but then saying "[christopher] never feels sorry for himself" eddie im gonna bonk you on the head with a newspaper)

i don't understand how i missed a lot of these little details. i feel like i definitely sympathise with buck a lot more now. he was basically told that his options are desk duty or nothing? instead of "desk duty until you are cleared by the doctors" which is obviously necessary for new symptoms. and the fact that someone he trusts so much was responsible for the fact that he lost his job. that would have hurt.

[gamer-paramnesia]

happy halloween!! have some fighting headcanons! (characters, obvs)

long-ish post

etoiles!! he is a warrior at heart, honest and loyal

I would think his fighting style is heavy on the footwork and agility + doing the most damage in as little strikes as possible

visually graceful, but almost impossible to follow?

matches pace w his opponents

very much on the offensive majority of the time

heavily trained (common style of fighting, but super fucking good at it so that it seems extremely unique)

soo so unserious tho

fights for the thrill!! the only time he actually got serious was the battle against the 3 codes (where he fought code!pomme… n where he died…)

incapcitates, then kills

honorable fighter! will not play dirty

tanks

large bladed weapons are his go to (swords, scythes, etc)

phil!!! survivalist extraordinaire

picks his fights! knows when he cant win

also very movement based,, uses his wings as a counterbalance more often than not (therefore making a lot of moves that are physically impossible to normal humans)

defensive fighter, fights to incapacitate?

more unique style, as he learned from mostly himself n he refined it

efficient but an honorable fighter as well

fast. like, scary fast

keeps his emotions in check (funnels his emotions into his swings)

doesnt like fighting much (lie)

will play dirty if desperate!

tanks!

best with scythes n axes

fit!!!!!!! 2b2t historian, did you know that 2b2t is the oldest-

also picks his fights (very carefully!)

hard hitter, more on the barrage type instead of the strike n wait

on the offensive, prone to switching to the defensive tho

generally unpredictable movements (hes batshit insane)

sporadic, hard to pin down style

not the most serious fighter. taunts a lot, goes quiet when focused (first i lol'd, but then i serioused >:0)

dirty fighter!! all those years of 2b2t taught him that :D

goes for the kill when stakes are high

will play honorably IF he respects his opponent/considers his opponent a good person, but even then he'll use every trick up his sleeve to win!

although,,, he will back out of a fight he knows he cant win (and even if he could win, he'd weigh the pros n cons)

kinda,, support,,,

he makes me think of a scavenger tbh

prefers smaller, more handy weapons (axes, explosives, knives, etc)

bad!!!! totally-not-a-demon demon

im gonna say it again (its that he picks his fights)

goes for the confusion tactics (feints n tricks n misleads n misdirects etc)

similar to fit in the taunts n unseriousness n the silent focus

enjoys the hunt

falls in step w his opponents when the stakes are low

refined fighting style (had a lot of time to work on it and boy did he)

when the stakes are high,,,, his fighting seems frantic yet somehow practiced, every move is deliberate

a shadowed blur on the battlefield

goes for the jugular lolz

when he has the upperhand.. he plays with his food tbh

bites off more than he can chew sometimes

prefers the defensive

also a barrage of attacks instead of wait n strike (death by a thousand cuts kinda)

plays SO dirty its not even funny (it is a little funny..)

avid scythe user!! (likes comically oversized weapons tho, like his warhammer)

roier! idk that much abt him but ive heard that hes a great fighter as well so im gonna throw in my guesses as to how he fights

gets underestimated a lot? works on his side tho bc he is a ruthless fighter

a very emotional fighter, but uses it to his advantage

on the defense a lot, brutal on the offense??

surprisingly graceful

incapacitates

not the most refined style, but very efficient

sword guy!! but like a perfectly weighted sword? (very particular about his weapons?)

jaiden!!! havent seen her pvp much but these are headcanons so-

learned from the best! (roier)

hard hitter, zones into an enemy and doesnt let up

stays in one location, pivoting is key (stands her ground)

uses her wings to gain extra speed if she had to change locations

not super experienced, but a quick learner

very defensive

channels emotions into swings (kinda wears her heart on her sleeves tho)

goes for the kill for opponents she has grudges against?

another scythe enjoyer!!

pac! also idk that much about him but he seems ergonomic

VERY graceful fighter

underestimates himself?

footwork is very particular and careful, almost like a dance

defensive fighter

either quiet, focused fighting or screaming, crying throwing up fighting, no in between LMAO

kinda a dirty fighter as well? not super on purpose but learned it from prison times

he seems like a rapier kinda guy (swords!!!)

feel free to add on!!! esp if u have disagreements w my hcs hehe

[mactiir]

So you want to learn to swordfight.

The most common question I see in historical fencing forums and on social media is "how do you get into HEMA?"

If you're like "what's HEMA?" -- that's Historical European Martial Arts -- it's the study and recreation of historical martial arts through weapons manuals written at the time! Many people take a scholarly approach to it -- focused on reading and recreating martial systems -- but many take a sport approach, because martial techniques are designed to be used martially! This means we're fencing -- swordfighting! Think Olympic fencing with bigger swords and slightly different rules, and more colorful gear. In this post, I will be more focused on how to get into the sporty, competition-focused side of the hobby.

Historical Fencing is a martial art! This is a really common confusion from folks who are more familiar with more well-known sword-loving communities. It's not LARPING (though I love a good LARP) -- we aren't playing characters or scenarios, and we don't dress up (usually-- rapier fencers love poofy pants, lol). It's not stage combat or SCA (although there's some community overlap)-- most of us are less interested in recreating periods or aesthetics from history than we are in learning to fence, and compete, with our weapons of choice. Although LARPing, SCA, and stage combat are all cousin hobbies to WMA, the closest analogue to Historical Fencing as a hobby is... Modern Fencing! Kendo and blade-focused Eastern Martial arts, like Kenjutsu, are also much more like historical fencing than SCA is.

Whether you're considering starting longsword fencing because your favorite author uses it as a reference, rapier fencing because it's the coolest weapon in your favorite video game, or just because you think it'd be sick as hell (it is), here's a (noncomprehensive) FAQ for becoming your very own sword lesbian/broadsword bisexual/greatsword gay/spear queer.

I don't know if there are any classes near me, where do I look?

The best place to start is the Hema Alliance Club Finder. You can use it to look up classes and sparring groups in your immediate geographic area.

2. The Club closest to me doesn't offer the weapon I'm interested in. Should I still go?

Yes. Most clubs are "longsword" clubs, but it’s really rare to find a historical fencer that exclusively fences a single system or weapon. Even if nobody at the club fences the system you're interested in, you can 1) probably talk them into it and 2)fencing not-your-weapon will still make you better at your-weapon. My club is a "longsword" club, but we have fencers who regularly do saber, rapier, rapier and dagger, messer, messer and buckler, side sword and buckler, katana, broadsword, spear, and even montante (greatsword). Just ask!

3) The nearest club is too far away. Can I learn just by studying manuals online?

Yes and no. I don’t recommend doing lots of solo practice without having attended a class. It's a good way to engrain bad habits, as well as avoid fencing altogether ("i cant spar yet, my form isn't perfect/ive learned bad habits" or worse, "i don’t need to spar, i know all the manuals inside and out"). This is a really important point: LEARNING TO MOVE A SPECIFIC WEAPON IS LESS THAN 30% OF FENCING, and you will be moving through guards and forms like a pro with only a few months of intentional practice. Your cut form can be picture-perfect and you will still get wrecked in a bout if you don't have experience. Most of fencing is understanding timing, distance, your psychology and your opponent's, and knowing from experience which positions you can get to from what other positions. You can only learn to fence by... fencing. Now, if your thing is studying arms manuals and replicating them picture-perfect, which some people are into, more power to you! But it won't be winning you any tournaments, and I am writing this assuming you want to do the sporty/swordfighty side of things.

4) wait, there are books on swordfighting?

Yes. Check Wiktenauer. Most of them are free. My club does Joachim Meyer; Fiore and Lichtenauer are also fairly common for longsword.

5) I really can't get to classes, though. Am I just out of luck?

Is there an Olympic fencing group nearby? How about lightsaber fencing? No, seriously. Kendo? Boxing? All of these things train the exact skills that are difficult to learn in HEMA fencing -- distance, timing, reaction speed, fight psychology. Some of the best beginners I've ever sparred came from lightsaber, or kendo. If there is no group nearby at all, pick up a copy of Meyer's art of combat and a 12-inch length of steel pipe (it's the same weight as a longsword) to learn how to move the sword (do NOT hit people with this, oh my god), go to kendo for a few months, and you'll be in decent shape for WMA sparring when you can get to a group.

The reason HEMA is fun is because of the community! Even if it's a really intense commute, try to make it to class at least once or twice. You will enjoy it more, you will learn more, and you will fence better. Don't just do it all on your own! Most of the people in these groups have fallen into the common mistakes so YOU don't have to. Utilize them!

6) What do I do if there are no people to spar with nearby?

Why don't you start a group? Purpleheart armory sells foam swords for like $50 each. Get some friends, get everybody a mask and a boffer and get to it! This is how HEMA as a hobby started -- people messing around with foam trainers and a copy of a 16th century arms manual.

6.5) I'm sparring outside of a club -- should we use synthetics, wood, or steel?

Dude, just use foam until you can get a complete steel kit. Keep in mind: synthetics can be as dangerous as steel, wood is MORE dangerous than steel, and steel requires full safety kit for full speed sparring. Don't break your fingers because you wanted to look cool. These things HURT, and can cause serious injury unless used with intention.

7) should I buy a sword?

If you're with a HEMA school, they will have their own cadence for buying gear, and the sword is usually the last thing you get. You should only buy a federschwert (training sword) once you know your style and sword preference. If you're not following a club cadence or planning to attend a tournament, Do Not buy a steel weapon. A full steel spar kit costs like $800 dollars, and without a full safety kit all you have is a $300 wall ornament nobody can use.

And don't buy a blunt, please. Beginners love blunts because they look like "real swords". They also break bones. Federschwerts are standard in the community and nobody is going to think you’re cool for showing up with a weapon designed to snap someone's humerus in half. If you're that twisted about it, Sigi forge sells schiltless feders that look like "real" swords (a feder is a real sword, but I digress).

8) what safety gear should I buy?

Every club and tournament has its own recommendations. Look at the Mid-Continental HEMA Open rules for a very standard list of gear reqs for a reputable tournament. Generally, in this order, it's:

-mask (don't point a sword at anyone without one of these on)

-chest plastron (for preventing unfortunate accidents that might send shards through the lungs)

-gorget (rigid or semi-rigid)

-hardshell gloves (don't do lacrosse gloves or other soft gloves for longsword, you'll break your fingers)

-puncture-resistant jacket

-forearms/elbows

-shins/knees

-back of head protector (concussions bad)

-pants/skirt

-sword

I probably missed something but these are the most common questions-- fellow HEMAists or interested parties, lmk if I missed anything! Happy fencing!

[commander-gloryforge]

okay after playing for a healthy and normal 10 hours finishing act one, here are my thoughts.

QQWWWWWWWWWWAAAAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH YYEAAAAAASSASS S WWEWEWEEWWWW AYYYWEEEAEEDEDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSA WOOOOOOOOOOOOIHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

okay . god. okAY. fuck. okay. so. i dont even know where to start im enjoying myself so much here its crazy. like im having such a good time genuinely holy shit.

THE MUSIC. fucuukkkkk god the music. okay it has a lot of that one instrument that i cant name but its a very specific sound that they used a lot in ibs too and i genuinely love that sound. god. FUCK. the music is so good. i think i already have a fave track but im not gonna name it just yet bUT FUCK ITS SO GOOD. i think im gonna have to get that one on vinyl when they release it. GOD.

also voice acting? HELLO???? insane job done by the kodan ESPECIALLY poised arrow, he's AMAZING. and the uh. The Big Bad Guy we fight at the end of chapter 5. uhm. hello. the voice. hello sir. hey. hiiiiii.

the map. ive only seen the first so far but by god this is my favoruite place ever in the world. i really love how peaceful that place is, but how alive it feels. theres events everywhere, the hearts are wonderfully done, it LOOKS just simply beautiful. its so much fun to explore and run around in and just do nothing but sit there and listen to the kodan talk. this is genuinely the best of. all worlds? like its HUGE but never feels empty, its fun to explore but easy to get through, its diverse and beautiful and alive, it feels like a core map but BETTER. the adventures are fun, I GOT TURNED INTO A FISH, the events are lovely, i want to eat this map.

warclaw??? actually feels good to use????? genuinely love how it feels now, actually kind of prefer it over raptor/jackal. i only have the first mastery on it because im focusing on homestead mastery but omg the jumping abilities are so fun and i cant wait to level the mastery more... the skin you get is so cute and i might genuinely use warclaw so much more now. its abilities are actually kinda fun to use too

SPEAR. i didnt get to test spears out a lot but i can confidently say that I LOVE GUARDIAN SPEAR i switched auroras build and now story fights are actually fun. have not tested it with any other class but its GOOD.

characters. i cant say so much about the story itself yet but it does feel so much better than soto just because of the characters alone. instead of being thrown into some brand new mess with a bunch of characters we dont know that quickly become irrelevant, we actually have known faces by our side- like properly. caithe and malice are are GREAT companions for this, i love the tyrian alliance (despite being a jennah hater) because we keep coming back to these characters we've known, it doesnt feel like all the relationships weve made have been cast aside anymore. HELL WE EVEN GET CHARACTERS THAT WERE MISSING SINCE IBS BACK! even if its just for a short time, THEYRE THERE, WE GET TO CHECK IN WITH THEM! THATS GREAT! and even with all the new characters, they dont feel as overwhelming, they just feel.. good? its just good. its just right.

and theres so much more to say but its 5:30am right now and i need to wrap this up.

god. okay its easy to please me. take everything i say with a grain of salt. i am very easily impressed and excited, ESPECIALLY when it comes to gw2, but it really does feel like theyre figuring it out. it feels like anet really did listen to us, and learned from soto, and things are going well. im so happy. i love this so much. AAAAAAAH

[itsaspectrumcomic]

this is kind of a vent and a bit of a silly rambled story (ooo story time! but feel free to ignore it if you want it wont bother me)

so i have been researching autism and adhd for roughly a year and a half now and its kinda become a special interest of mine (wild i know lmao) and its actually how i got my adhd diangosis! funnily enough the therapist who diagnosed me for adhd and evaluated me for asd was biased and had no knowledge about adhd or autism... :-] pained smile

(im afab and my sibling is amab and the comparisons between our assesments is insane. they got assesed easily but for me, the therapist was reluctant and judgemental. a great start i know /sarc)

anyway the therapist told me that i couldnt be autistic because even though i scored high, the test my PARENTS filled out for my childhood was very low. i wasnt even asked about my childhood experiences when it came back with a low score. i was just brushed off and told that it was only my adhd and that if i WAS autistic (which im not, according to her) that i would be "high functioning" and that "high functioning" people arent actually autistic. not word for word because i was half listening in shock but the general idea is still there. i have no clue how i even went to this woman tbh.

i have since made a list and included evidence for all the traits ive had since infancy but my parents 100% took the therapists word and are now completely convinced that there is zero chance that i can be on the autism spectrum. fun fact i think theyre both on the spectrum as well and ive talked to my sibling about it too. its wild lol

the thing is i keep going back and forth between denial and acceptance thinking i may be on the spectrum and ive had plenty of friends both professionally and self diagnosed tell me that i am on the spectrum but i cant help but accidentally find ways to invalidate myself and my experiences. i dont know if its worth it to get a professional diagnosis or to just exist as self diagnosed because they both have strong pros and cons. its all very confusing but i can wait 2 years until im a legal adult so i can at least try to get an assesment from a therapist who actually understands autism

i apologize for being so long winded and for any gramatical/spelling errors but i just wanted to thank you for making this blog in general. it feels very validating despite what other people and my negative thoughts try to say about my brain :-] i hope youre doing well !!

'"high functioning" people arent actually autistic'

UGH I hate that so much. I'm not really a fan of the the terms 'high functioning' and 'low functioning' anyway because it doesn't cover how autistic people can be really good at some things and struggle a lot with other things (also known as having a 'spiky profile') and just 'high' or 'low' doesn't properly take that into account, and then there's the whole questionable use of 'functioning' but that's a whole other discussion....

I'm sorry your parents aren't listening. Since autism can be genetic, it's fairly likely they are also on the spectrum and never noticed the traits when you were growing up because it all seemed normal to them.

It's a very personal decision whether or not to try for an official diagnosis, but whatever you decide is valid! The important thing is gaining self-acceptance and learning what works for you. Good luck and I'm so glad you're enjoying this blog :)

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

WeLL here we are...i want to write s/t quick to remember the year by. cus 2023 was probly one of my most significant years of life, even tho from the surface it may appear not much changed for me, 2023 laid the foundation,,,

firstly, january 2023 i began learning to make music, which is crazy like!!!! it has absolutely given me a new reason to be lieve in myself like i nvr had b4. its like unlocking a new area of my heart, and inutuion.. its so FUN, so so fun ohhh the fun i have, provides me w a brighter outlook for the future as i will always have this melodic part of me activated,going forward. ive learned so much in just a year. idk i just love it it makes me feel wise and complete i feel like an alchemist. i cld rly say a lot on the sense of security music has made me feel in my heart :'0 but i have some other things to get to;

summer 2023 i started doing yoga which has also changed things for me dramatically i think ive released a lot of built up stagnant energy from my body & aura. since i started i feel immensely more balanced n able to work thru my emotions as they come up. ngl when ppl used to recommend me to try yoga i thout it was hippie shit but its real lol.. im finding sm contentment in day to day life than i ever thought possible, easier time being present, yet another thing i will continue for the rest of my future that 2023 has given me.

these r good things but it must b said that this year has been Soooo rough for me in certain ways, mostly due to interpersonal relationships.. some ppl had to b let go from my life this year in ways i rly wasnt expecting & for a lot of the year things were just, foggy. however as things draw to a close im feeling immensely grateful like.. every1 im close to rn are all peaceful souls & we uplift each other, i see now why the ones causing drama naturally had to fall away. even if it was painful process im feeling so supported rn, & reciprocated TwwwT <3333

idk it just felt like as i was progressing w musical understanding, yoga stuff , as well as the past few months trying to use tea and herbs to get my organs in order, i feel that.. my energetic field is rly repairing itself & so a lot of old attachments just cant keep up anymore.

i have to say, well, erm, i am really in love w slimbo and its different than anything ive ever felt in my life. we've been in love for a long long time & i dont talk about it often as i am protective of this love. but god, its just, the purest bond ive ever known and our love for each other is deeper all the time. we r both life path 27/9 & the first time we met it literally felt like.. reuniting, it felt like a celebration..i had never noticed such warmth from someone. i cld never be in such a secure place rn if it wasnt for slimbo & every day im so grateful like dude i owe you my LIFE. idk how to explain it, we are just One. slimbo is my angel i cant wait to spend 2024 & forever with <3

if u read this far....ur a true PMDhead, thanks for being oomfies w me out here on the big wide web, i hope you bloom this year, & this can be a shift in the right direction for all of us <3 i believe palestine will be free. happy new year everyone, GANBATTE VIVA 2024 <333 -PMD9LL

[lifmera]

Heya, I was wondering if I could have a matchup for Hazbin Hotel? Male please x

My pronouns are she her, I'm fairly average height for a girl and my favourite animals at the moment are either cats or goats!!

I have black hair, dark eyes and pale skin, my hair goes just above my breasts and is layered. I wear a lot of black and hardly own any clothes that aren't!! (It’s just so flattering) I have a few large tattoos as well and am definitely getting more. I also have a lot of ear piercings, a nose stud and 🍒 piercings. I’m also English (northern, not southern) so I do have an accent

In terms of personality, l'd say l'm rather outgoing, witty and a bit nerdy. I wear a lot of studs and chains but I think they look badass, however I wear them causally so I guess you could also say I’m pretty bold? I've often been told l intimidate people, however I like to think they don't know me well enough to judge. Ive been told I can be quite loud, and I have some blunt, dry sense of humour which my friends seem to like. I'm an ENTP through and through and am currently in law school, stereotypical as fuck ik. I can sometimes struggle to trust people due to past experiences, however I think I’ve got the hang of reading people now to know when they’re my kind of cunt or not.

I can have a short temper and struggle with my emotions sometimes, (diagnosed bpd/adhd, looooove to see it) but am in the process of learning to manage them quite well.

Hobby wise, I enjoy drawing, painting and going out with my friends to concerts and festivals. I Love music, specifically Goth, Metal (Death, Goth metal, Nü metal, all sorts) and a little bit of rock obviously. I'm tempted to start learning how to play the drums or guitar but am not sure where to start, plus school takes up so much of my time.

There's of course no rush to reply, I adore your work I think your matches are always spot-on and I'm really curious !!

-🕷️🕸️

HEY 🕷️🕸️!!!

Honestly I was so TORN between these two. So i decided lol… why not both?

Its okay hun!! I major Pre-Law right now 🩷

I’ve decided to pair you with… VOX & HUSK

Vox first though. Cus i read this and i was like.. VOX but then when i showered i was like .. wait husk… and then i was like FUCK… anyways

He’d definitely talk to you more because you reminded him of Velvette. And what probably went thru his head was “ooh new model :)”

But he LOVES ur personality. If you intimidated VOX? He would literally purr at ur feet and BEG you to join the Vee’s.

Even if you are dry, its okay, cus everything else makes up for it to him.

He definitely isn’t surprised if you don’t trust him at first, but he’s think that “nothing a little hypnotizing cant fix ! ;)” (take that as you wish.)

Vox is kinda pretty shitty himself- and probably doesnt really care much about you unless you blow a fuse on him. But honestly he’d like that.

Though he’d also be glad that you are managing your emotions! He HATES tantrums . (Cough cough Val)

He would probably make you draw you guys together lets me honest. He’d think it’d be funny. Till he actually enjoys it.

He would make fun of ur music taste. Then he would love it. Cus hes such a LOSER like that……

Honestly he’d love it sm he’d have them as theme songs D:

If you learned any instruments it’d probably cause him to want to as-well….

Ok Husker time…

Not gonna lie. You guys give off the same vibe, and he’d probably like you the most out of everyone at the hotel.

Especially at first glance?? Like finally… someone normal

Says him anyways.

Husk HATES cats, and obviously… i think he would also let you pet him or brush his fur… after becoming in a relationship. Otherwise he’d literally bite you.

I think he would talk to you first at the bar, and man is he good at finding shit out???

I think you guys would become close friends within a finger snap-

And honestly become inseparable. Totally have backhanded shit to say and it would be so funny. (Great duo)

He definitely would be super proud of you for seeking help! He would say that not much people have enough balls to do that.

Honestly i also think Husk would enjoy painting too. He seems like a gambler but i think in his free time, something like painting would relax him?? Or atleast looking at paintings and analyzing them.

Your music taste? Probably same as his. He’d love to listen with you, and Everytime you are at the bar he’d ask if you wanted to play a song you both enjoyed.

If you learned the guitar he’d be SO IMPRESSED. Like “okay dayum… ❤️”

~~

I HOPE THIS WAS OKAY HUN!! And AWUGHS THANK YOU SO MUCH?? i always try to make the characters accurate because i feel like if they are ooc .. its just.. weird ?

[kozykricket]

big vent addendum

i could do many things. i have potential and ideas and i have the power to do what i wanna do if i just try but agh

is it just that i get either tired or anxious whenever i think about actually fucking doing something? because... maybe... because i see myself as someone who just cant do anything that i want to do, who sits on the sidelines, in the spectator seats of my own life. and i think theres a strong part of my brain that wants that to still be the case, and doesnt want to be proven wrong. doesnt want to actually try to make things becauswe that would mean i ... actually CAN do things... which. is almost scary maybe?? because then theres so much to do... and i just. mm. i dont wanna... do ... things..... yes theres many things id love to do, to create. but i just would rather stay content as i am , i think. because its safe and comfortable, and i am someone who wants to just wallow in my comfort zone about how everyone is making progress towards making shit but im not making shit . i know i know everyone goes at their own pace. but im sick of waiting for some perfect time to finally start like. doing shit i want to make a game, to write more on basic OC concepts, to try out creating music, to learn to mod other games. to . even just write more fleshed out concepts for said mods i mean not to say i havent written pretty neat concepts for things like ... pokemon AUs lol. and ive written a decent amount for an oc or two . but. not that much that feels coherent im just ... very stuck and . i think that relates back to theres too many directions to take an idea. like my Game Idea. which has lots of ways to take it. and yes i know i could ... try out one direction and if it doesnt work out then i could just go backwards but as soon as i take one step in a specific direction, i just wanna step backwards and go the other direction. back and forth. ughhh

[blackheart-6]

dess-ember day 31/31

hi yall

today i bring my final entry!! i cant believe i made it

its a dess ref, but after the events of deltarune, where i imagine she will be freed

fun fact, i actually made the dess ref i still use exactly a year ago, so thats neat ^^

im not sure if I will keep this design for her being older (the age i usually draw her as is like 15 or 16), but i feel like it turned out okay

i made her a researcher (she researches things to do with souls and magic, things that exist in deltarune but arent really known about in my headcanons), but im unsure if it was the right choice. i imagine she got stuck with gaster in the code for a couple of years, but before that she didnt know what she wanted to do with her life. the way I see it, the gaster in the code with her is the one from undertale, so he has a lot of knowledge on magic and stuff, and learning about it was interesting and helpful for her, and after she got out she wanted to share her knowledge and learn more.

as i said, i dont know if this was a good choice of career, considering she wasnt really the type to become a researcher, but she also changed when she was in the code, so idk. i might change it later.

and for her design, i tried to keep her unruly look as much as possible, despite her job. i changed her hairstyle, keeping it short but giving her a side part and little hair pieces in front of her ears.

i also gave her glasses. i imagine shes needed them for awhile, but she didnt want to look like a nerd 😂 now shes just accepted her fate. i also gave her piercings on her ears, just as a callback to some of my older drawings of her, where i gave her piercings there too.

for her outfit, i gave her a pair of basic dress pants, and a turtleneck (because i love turtlenecks a bit too much lol). and then i gave her a green jacket/coat thing, cause i had to keep her with green, ofc.

and for accessories, i gave her a watch (to match with noelles watch), and i gave her a bracelet with noelles sweater colors. i also gave her a white ring on her left hand, because when i looked it up that was where aro rings were (i hope thats accurate lol).

and thats it, my final entry! its so weird that im here, i didnt think i would make it. i thought id get bored, or too busy, or run out of ideas or something, but i made it. there was a lot of struggle sometimes, and there was ideas i had planned that i never got to, but i feel like it really helped me, having this month. ive definitely gotten better at drawing dess, and i feel like my anatomy and posing had gotten better ^^. though, i dont know if ill do this again. it was difficult, and next year ill be in college, so i might be too busy. i guess we will just wait and see 😁

during this month, ive also thought a lot about dess in general. i have so many thoughts and ideas involving her, yet we still have such little knowledge on her. its weird, i have this whole dess created, but one day she will become obsolete, and we will see who dess actually is. i dont know how to feel about it. but, until we actually see dess, i plan to keep drawing my dess, and i might keep drawing her after we see dess, it just depends. even if im nervous to see her, i cant wait either!

but thats enough of my ramblings, im sure nobody read all that, so for a tldr, i just talked about why i designed older dess like that, my thoughts on my dess-ember, and my thoughts on dess ^^

i hope yall have a wonderful new years!! 🥳🥳

[plural-culture-is]

i fear that i may be a system in denial or something along those lines.

for years of my life, ive struggled with three voices in my head, dissociation, derealization, depersonalization, way-too-over-the-top delusions, hallucinations here and there, and never feeling like who im supposed to be. a few months ago, i thought that it could have to do with undiagnosed schizophrenia or some type of schizo-related disorder (because of the delusions and hallucinations). but recently, ive noticed that these things are all getting worse.

there are more voices. its no longer just the three. and i feel like i should know these voices, even though i dont. they're still strangers to me.

my struggles with dissociation, derealization, and depersonalization have gotten worse---especially the derealization and depersonalization.

my main delusion has been growing stronger and stronger, becoming more and more severe. (though the strength of it tends to vary, so...)

nothing's gone on with the hallucinations. at least, i dont think so. i haven't been paying attention.

and my feelings of never feeling "right" or "correct" have gotten so much stronger. i cant go ten minutes without thinking, is this who i really am? am i faking who i am? if im faking my identity, who am i really? why dont i know who i truly am? will i ever learn who i truly am? am i the only one who cant figure out who they are? why do i never feel like im my true self? why do i always faking who i am? how do i act like my true self? does my true self even exist at this point? and et cetera.

i dont think im a system. i dont want to be a system. i dont want to be plural. i already struggle enough with my neurodevelopmental and physical disabilities. i already struggle enough my mental health and with trauma. i dont need the struggles of having did or osdd or something related. i dont want the struggles, either.

but the more and more i research did for my system character in one of my books, i find more that i can relate to. as i mentioned earlier, i used to think that i might be schizophrenic due to my delusions and hallucinations. but just the other day as i was doing more research about did for my character, i found out that its possible for systems and plurals to often struggle with those things. and my brain went down a deep rabbit hole, like, well fuck shit balls, could i possibly be plural? did my trauma fuck me up that much???

as i went down that rabbit hole, i realized that i dont remember a lot of my childhood. i remember a few specific memories, most of which are either traumatic or just funny memories that ive told as stories numerous times. other than that, i know next to nothing. i also have times where i cant remember shit about anything. my name, my age, my address, what schools ive gone to, what school i go to now, what i did ten hours ago, what i did five seconds ago, et cetera. ive also noticed that im constantly remembering those things wrong. "how old are you?" someone could ask. "im thirteen years old," ill say, then correct myself, "no, wait, im x years old." ive even said that im seven years old when im in fact much older than that. people could ask me, "what's your name?" and ill answer with something that's not my name. could be a nickname from school, a nickname from the many summer camps ive gone to, my pen name for my books, or a random name in general. and there are so many examples that i could give.

back to my doing research stuff for my character, i was going through one website when i found an infographic. it was a simple thing; just five common symptoms of dissociative identity disorder. it listed...

~ inability to remember large portions of your childhood

~ out-of-body experiences, hallucinations, and/or flashbacks

~ suicidal thoughts or self-harm

~ differences in handwriting and changing levels of functioning

~ episodes of memory loss

if i dont experience them now, ive experienced all of them before. the first one, i just mentioned. the second one happens all of the fucking time. the third one happens on a daily basis. the first half of the fourth i haven't really noticed, but the second half is very true. and i just talked about the fifth one.

i dont know if i just have some type of dissociative disorder or im just crazy. but i cant get it out of my head that i might be a system or a system in early development. (dont really know how to explain what i mean by "in early development," but ill try to: what i mean is that im in the early developing stages where dissociation starts happening frequently and alters start forming, but switches arent possible yet.) that or ive been forcing myself---if i am plural and in denial---to act like a normal person, just like ive been doing with autism and adhd.

do you have any advice on how to figure out if im a system or not??? i dont have access to a therapist or psychologist due to my parents not believing in mental illness and things like that.

sorry, we've just stopped accepting am I plural asks, so this one goes out to the public

also, here's our resources for questioning systems

[lexa-griffins]

Omega Lexa works in a sex shop and provides extra services for the customers via a glory hole. Her identity is kept secret for her protection. Alpha Clarke is one of her usual clients. Clarke accidentally knots Lexa through the glory hole so they're tied together waiting for Clarke's knot to deflate

The.... visual of them then tied together through the glory is... too much. Is porncom a genre? Because that is exactly what this is ajskdkdnd

Lexa knows Clarke, she's seen her walk around the store. She's bought a few things here and there, some she assumes are for partners and not herself but Lexa has learned to not judge a book by its cover.

She visits the glory hole a few times a month. Lexa likes her. She's easy to make cum, she's always polite with her even when she can't see her. Overall, a joy of a client and of an alpha.

Lexa has had a rough week and Clarke feels good inside of her. So fucking good. She's exactly what Lexa needed to make her forget the shitty week she had, from being yelled at by an alpha after so much as implying the dildo he was buying was for him and the beta she had to comfort as she cried about the omega she cant seem to keep as he keeps running back to his ex so she thought a funner toy could help.

Clarke is good at making her forget theres a wall between them. A literal one. She stays out most of the time and lets Lexa do her job o nstead of trying to be the big dominant alpha.

Maybe if Clarke had been more in control she would have been able to realize how close Lexa was to take her and she would have been able to pull out before. Lexa is so lost in how good the stretch feels she only realizes shestaking the knot when she's past the point of no return.

"Oh my god." Its really the only thing Lexa can say as Clarke fully enters her and groans, cumming inside of her.

Fuck doesnt quite cut it.

"I- Im stuck."

Yeah, no shit, smartest alpha on earth.

"We're stuck."

"I should have pulled out, Im sorry."

"I was the one in control, I should have realized it, its my fault."

Silence.

"Are you comfortable like that?"

No, "I guess. Its not like there much we can do anyways." She's bent over and her legs are a ldittle shaky but luckily the stall is small enough she can hold herself up.

"Im sorry."

"Youve said that already."

"Oh, yeah. Sorry."

Lexa snorts with humor, making her body shake and a small moan to leave them both.

"How long do you usually take to go down?"

"Half an hour, one hour? Depends. My rut isnt close so it should be more on the higher end."

"Great."

"Im s-"

"Clarke if you say sorry i will punch you once i get to see your face."

"Hey i- wait how do yoh know my name?"

"Hmmm....."

"Wait, your voice.... oh my god are toh Lexa, the front desk girl?"

Lexa winces, "Hi."

Clarke's breathing seems to get slightly faster on the other side of the wall, "are you doing okay over there?"

"Yeah, yeah." A laugh.

"Whats so funny?"

"Ive had a crush on you for ages now. I had no idea it was you on that side."

"What?"

"I havent had a partner in ages. Ive been accumulating sex toys i dont even use at my house for months just to come here and see you. Oh shit that sounds really fucking creepy when i say it out loud doesnt it?"

"A little. But sweet. In a slightly creepy way."

"Oh my god this day could be going better."

"I've had worst ones this week."

"Really?"

"Yeah. But i doubt you eanna hear about it."

"Oh believe me I have nothing but time."

Its about forty minutes before they can get free. Lexa gasps at the amount of cum that leaves her before she sees a small towel being offered to her from the top of the stall door, the watch on the wrist a clear indication its Clarke.

"Sorry, i know its usually hm, a lot."

"Its alright. Idn another circumstances id probably be delighted its so much."

"Im gonna leave the at the counter and go. With extra of course."

"Oh, okay."

There's a throat clearing from the other side of the door, "Bye Lexa. For all its worth, there is no one else id rather be stuck like that with."

Lexa stops cleaning herself to stare at the closed door. She snorts again.

"I really need to stop sounding creepy dont I?"

"Yes. But it had its charm-"

"Im a creepy way." They say in unison before laughing.

"Bye Lexa."

"See ya Clarke."

Lexa listens for the bathroom door to close with a little hesitation.

By the time she's presentable, Clarke is gone and the store is empty. The money sits on the counter with an added 50$ for the whole mess. As Lexa collects the money she finds a paper with a phone number.

"I swear im less creepy face to face. X Clarke"