#so my sick brain is like dont do it again just dont its humiliating it hurts

[waluijoe]

idk i guess its also difficult to be friends w someone who is like im so alone im so alone im so alone when im like im here im here im here and shes like no, not you. its like. boy am i internalizing that forever lmao.

[brigatebajor]

so in my university you can do this neat thing that lets you display your chosen name on the uni's internal channels like uni email, website profile, myuni app, anything as long as it isnt an official legal document like your graduation certificate. so. after four years and with merely one year left of uni (<- me when i lie and severely overestimate my ability to take one years worth of exams in three months) i am doing this thing right cause im going to therapy and learning that i do not have to hide and cower in shame and beg for peoples forgiveness just for existing, you know how it is. right.

so my uni's website is a black hole hostile to any kind of intelligent life form which means that the steps needed in order to Activate this thing are a total fucking mystery. so i ask the Uni** Trans Council and they tell me to go ask this one professor whos basically in charge of the whole thing, which is a pretty normal occurrence in my university bc my university is held together by a pack of toothpicks and a bestemmia. so i have no choice but to email the man and ask him to help me navigate the dark seas of bureaucracy.

(picard voice) now gentlefags. idk how many emails yall have sent in your lives but i have sent one too many emails to uni professors alright. i have trained reflexes. i open up a gmail tab and my fingers are already instinctively typing Gentile Professore. i have completely lost the ability to write an email that doesnt end in Ringraziandola Per La Cortese Attenzione Le Porgo Cordiali Saluti. but this is different. this is me, a humble idiot, going to this guys house and kneeling on his doorstep begging for help, so virtually not that different from what im usually emailing professors for, but this time i can actually CHOOSE. how i sign the email.

i have two options: i either have to sign my email with my deadname, or with my chosen name. not as easy as it sounds.

my deadname is the obvious professional option, bc it's the name thats displayed in my email, the name youll find on the university records, the name youll find on my id. im obviously sick to all hell and back of having to actually SPELL my birth name like write it down myself as opposed to having to hear it passively from all over, which is not as bad as youd think if you dissociate enough, but writing it? thats the ultimate humiliation isnt it? so obviously id want to avoid doing that, but theres also the added factor of sounding kinda stupid - hi, i want a different name displayed on my stuff, but im not gonna tell you that name! hehe :3

on the other hand, though, theres that part of me with the autocompleted signature in the back of my brain that stops me short of just fucking writing "sam" on the email like a normal person. perhaps it's the part of me that says "like the dog in i am legend" when the barista asks me to repeat my name for the third time at pedros (we dont have starbucks here so we had to make our own brand). in any case, i just cant help but perceiving my own chosen name, the one that i am LITERALLY formally asking to have displayed on my account, as something thats a tad too silly to reveal to Any Public Figure. which is ironic bc bestie clearly that therapy is Not working

and btw, no, there is no third option. bc its a formal email and my uni survival instincts would rather stop the nerves in my hands from working before they let me send an unsigned email (unprofessional! youre gonna fail every exam if you do <- REAL innegociable truth of the universe), so my only choice is to die as a hero and never graduate again (because this is OBVIOUSLY what would happen if i broke the unspoken rules of a professional email to a professor whos not even part of my course), or live as a clown and deadname myself (which im used to, cause i Am a clown).

anyway so this is the story of how ive been staring at the unsigned email on my puter for the past five hours. how have yall been doing

[madisonrooney]

been getting more and more emotionally and socially drained by work. ik people on here joke a lot about like “i hate being perceived and seen and known” and all that but i honestly have felt that way a lot of my life, and when you work in retail, youre constantly in view and being watched yknow? 

sure i went to school for a big chunk of my life but at least in college when the mental illness really started fleshing out, i could just hide in the back of the class on my computer and an entire semester would go by without my classmates learning pretty much anything about me. now its not only customers but coworkers, youll say some embarrassing shit, which isnt uncommon when youre there as many hours as you are since you start to get rambly, and you cant just shrug it off bc guess what youll see them again tomorrow and the next day and the next day...

ive already had to leave early bc of panic attacks on two different occasions. ive already cried while out on the floor. ive already cried in front of multiple leads and managers. and again, you have to face them again and god its humiliating. 

i just constantly find myself needing time in complete isolation and silence to recuperate, but not having much of it. typically, i only have 2-3 hours after i get home to do anything before i go to bed, and it usually takes me that much time just to catch up on my social media. even if i forgo that for a night, with my attention span, i still cant get much of anything done.

plus im typically busy on any and all of my days off

i just. would really love to have like a week where i just do not have to be seen by a single other person, or at least my public outings can be anonymous like shopping or something. i feel my best on days like that. during quarantine, i honestly had no problem not seeing anyone else besides my parents for more than a year. if anything, i got sick of my parents lol. id spend months on end on my own and dont remember having much of a problem at all with it. sure, id want to remotely hang out with friends, but that would feel more comfortable bc i didnt necesarilly have to be on camera and i could end it whenever i wanted to. i remember going 13 days without setting foot out of my front door and i honestly loved it.

anyway im getting off topic. going back to the matter at hand, i guess my brain is just trained to think that im gonna get a “summer break” at some point but i wont. i feel like i need something like that but idk if i can get it. even if i had my own events going on, it would be nice to have a few days in between where i just had nothing going on, which is what my summers used to be like.

bottom line is this doesnt have to do with my job specifically, its just jobs like this in general. i think in serious enough cases, im good at not just taking what i get but getting what i want out of a situation and i would say thats the case here. im not complaining bc i should have a different job and just dont feel like getting one, im complaining bc capitalism is just inherently like this. my job checks all the main boxes for me: i get pretty much all the days off that i want, the hours are late so it works with my whack sleep schedule, and its not a creative job where theres work to take home, it ends at a certain hour and then you dont have to think about it until you come back, which is p much necessary for my ocd. anything beyond those three factors matters much less. so yah, its the best i can get all things considered, but it still has its issues.

the one potential thing that could get me less social interaction would be training to work in the back, but i mean id still have to socialize with coworkers, plus ive heard you kinda make your own schedule back there so haha thats a no go for my ocd. it also seems too physical for me.

[quidfree]

prompts,.,, fem tdbk and a date gone very wrong ? ❤️

ohhhh my god anon. pump this shit directly into my veins i love this whole premise let’s go. also all inspired by whatever the fuck horikoshi was doing in this 

just so everyone is on the same page here, it is not a fucking date.

it’s lunch. a singular lunch. people do that shit all the time. even katsuki does lunch, sometimes. she went to that semi-shitty diner place with kirishima that one time when the food hall was shut because some dumbass first year exploded into goo or whatever. and todoroki does lunch, too- her and deku were on some shitty lunch date like a week ago, as evidenced by deku’s even shittier selfie of them having a grand old time doing whatever the fuck they do alone.

fuck, not a shitty lunch date. a shitty lunch. whatever.

the point is lunch is a normal non-date thing people do, and the fact katsuki and todoroki are maybe not the usual suspects for it is just circumstantial. it’s not like they planned it ahead of time, or made some big thing about it. they literally arranged for it in public, so obviously todoroki didn’t think there was anything weird about it. and there isn’t! they’re both going to be in tokyo on the same day, and todoroki’s always happy for any excuse to spend less time with her old man, and katsuki sure as fuck wouldn’t turn down an opportunity to avoid her hag of a birth-giver for a few blissful hours, so when todoroki had very nonchalantly gone ‘oh, bakugou, we could do lunch then”, it wasn’t like she had any real reason to tell her to go fuck herself. like, yeah, maybe a year ago, on principle, she would have, but even katsuki can only take so much trauma-bonding before she resigns herself to the reality that she’s stuck with half ‘n half for life, one way or another, and she may as well suck it up and approach civility because said moron is determined to ignore her open malice until she plays along anyways. they’re... you know, whatever. friends. or something. jesus.

the point being that it’s not a date, and the fact that she’s getting increasingly annoyed at her limited wardrobe is just because she would have packed more shit if the crone hadn’t insisted that they ‘pack light’ so they could get cheaper train tickets for less luggage. it’s just annoying that she can’t wear anything that’s not screaming holiday.

it occurs to her as she sits and scowls at her suitcase that her mother has been watching her from the doorframe for some undetermined amount of time, which is criminal mainly because she’s a goddamn hero-to-be and getting snuck up on by anyone is a blight upon her good name. she tries to disguise the ego damage dealt by glowering murderously in her progenitor’s direction.

“what the fuck do you want?”

“you know,” the she-devil says, cocking a hip, “if you want to borrow something nicer...”

“i wouldn’t be caught dead in your shitty clothes!” katsuki snarls, which prompts the witch to immediately scowl back.

“watch your damn mouth!”

“watch your waistline! no way in hell are we the same size!”

“why you little-”

the interruption at least reminds her that she is obsessing over her clothes ahead of meeting todoroki for lunch, which is so humiliating it kickstarts her brain again long enough to grab some normal shit and get the hell out of there.

on the walk she checks her phone again. the previous day she’d had to bite the bullet and make the first move, todoroki’s infamously terrible communication skills making themselves known once more, and their ensuing conversation had been so mortifying she’d nearly cancelled all-together.

to: Half ‘n half

Yo asshole are we still meeting tomorrow or what

I’m busy as shit

from: Half ‘n half

Yes. TS

to: Half ‘n half

What the fuck is TS

from: Half ‘n half

I was signing off.

to: Half ‘n half

SIGNING OFF ON YOUR OWN TEXT

YOU THINK I DONT KNOW YOUR DAMN NAME

from: Half ‘n half

[Pin attached]

Does here at 12.30 work for you?

to: Half ‘n half

Yeah whatever

Don’t be late

And don’t think I’m forgetting the fucking signing off thing

from: Half ‘n half

Glad you can make time for mockery in your busy as shit schedule.

the venue looks like some rich person shit, which she semi-expected, but it means a lot of people give her weird looks as she makes her way inside, probably on account of the shorts and t-shirt she’s wearing if not her general vibe. some old woman actually drags her purse to her, which makes katsuki sorely tempted to bare her teeth and maybe hiss for effect, though she settles for scowling and shoving her hands in her pockets. it’s 12.27, because she wasn’t going to be late but being any earlier would have given off some dubious impression that she’s eager to see todoroki, except now she kind of wishes she’d just come for 12.30 because if there’s some reservation bullshit she gets the feeling she’s going to start fighting with the waiting staff, and then-

“bakugou,” todoroki calls, from inside, raising a hand with unnecessary formality. “you made it.”

“course i made it,” katsuki grunts, absolutely not relieved as she by-passes the suspicious looking waiter to join her outside. “think i can’t ride the damn underground by myself?”

todoroki is wearing jeans cuffed at the ankles and a white t-shirt on top of which she’s thrown on an open button-up with the sleeves rolled up, and she looks casual and normal and incidentally kind of like they dressed to match, but the important part is that she doesn’t look dressed up at all, so katsuki was totally right about the non-date situation, and also isn’t the only one totally underdressed for the shitty venue.

“you look nice,” todoroki says then, completely shattering katsuki’s brief moment of reprieve. “i’ve never seen so much color on you.”

katsuki almost chokes on her own tongue, but the worst part is that the asshole seems completely nonchalant about the weird as shit observation, focused on her stool as she takes a seat on the balcony. which- what the actual fuck? since when does todoroki issue compliments unprompted- of the non-professional variety, at that? and what the fuck does she expect katsuki to say now- return the compliment? say thanks? is this whole thing some kind of exercise in psychological torture?

well, fuck it. she can’t look like a little bitch just because todoroki said something inanely positive. two can play that game.

“yeah. you look half decent yourself. did you hire someone to dress you for the occasion?”

todoroki blinks up at her in surprise, which is totally a win and would make her more smug if she could stop feeling so weird and prickly all over. for a dangerous moment todoroki seems on the verge of blushing, but miraculously the world rights itself and the usual deadpan persists, one brow quirking up in completely feigned ineptitude.

“there was a compliment somewhere in there, so thank you, i think. i thought we were past this vendetta.”

“we’ll be past this vendetta the day you burn your piece of shit hero suit,” katsuki retorts, back on familiar ground, and relaxes long enough to squint down at the menu.

this turns out to be a mistake.

“the fuck? is this whole thing in french?”

“oh,” todoroki says, after a beat. “that makes sense. i thought my english had deteriorated.”

“are you- you didn’t know? you recommended the place!”

“it was the nearest place to our hotel,” todoroki defends, now having the decency of looking slightly put out. “coq can’t mean what i think it means, can it?”

“that’s chicken, asshole,” katsuki hisses, flinging the menu down. “great, now we’re going to have to flag down one of the shithead waiters and ask for a japanese menu. excuse me! hey! yeah, i’m talking to- what the hell, did he just blow me off? hey, jackass! you with the shitty mustache!”

“sorry about that,” todoroki interjects, when mustache asshole turns an offended stare their way. “do you have the japanese menu?”

“we only serve the food in its authentic form,” mustachioed asshole says, with frigid self-satisfaction. “might i suggest google translate?”

“might i suggest my foot up your ass, you shitty-”

“that’s fine,” todoroki says, in a flat tone that implies otherwise. “we’ll make do.”

the waiter sniffs pretentiously as katsuki thinks about all the ways she could beat his ass into next tuesday, running an aggravated hand through her hair when the wind rustles it into her face. she’d half expect todoroki to suggest they fuck off elsewhere, but when she looks back her way she finds an ill-boding gleam of determination in her eyes despite the impassive set to her face, and it’s a testament to how fucked in the head ua has made katsuki that she feels a sort of sick thrill of recognition at the sight. todoroki’s in stubborn bitch mode.

“i’ll have this,” todoroki says, sure enough, pointing to the most expensive item on the menu. “and also this. and one of those.”

the waiter’s eyes nearly pop out of his skull, and todoroki looks unfazed in katsuki’s direction, tapping pointedly at a sleek black and red credit card in her wallet. “bakugou?”

well, if endeavour’s paying....

“sure,” katsuki says, slowly, and then turns her meanest smile the waiter’s way. “i want the frog legs.”

mustache clears his throat, attempts condescension. “we don’t serve that here.”

“you’re a gastronomique restaurant,” katsuki says very loudly, as other clients turn to stare, “and you don’t have fucking frog legs? is this a joke? does this napkin say authentic french cuisine or am i hallucinating?”

“i can ask the chef,” the waiter demurs, casting a nervous glance at the muttering snobs nearby, and attempts an ingratiating smile. “anything else for you, mademoiselle?”

“what did you just call me?”

once the ordering debacle is over, todoroki slants katsuki what may well be an apologetic glance, vaguely contrite frown sitting pretty atop her usual dead-eyed stare.

“i probably should have read up on the place ahead of time.”

katsuki is well within her rights to chew her head off, she thinks, but food’s on the way and she got to yell at the asshole who gave her the once-over when she came in, so she’s feeling forgiving, even in the face of todoroki’s annoyingly doll-faced apology. the bitch really has to do the bare minimum and she looks like a fucking kpop idol.

“yeah, whatever. i always knew you were a shitty ops planner.”

todoroki, who is an asshole, looks relieved at her generous forgiveness for all of a second before she quirks a brow. “between the two of us, i only count one person who has actually spoken the words ‘shoot first, ask questions later’.”

“that was in a training simulation,” katsuki protests, outraged. “and you know damn well the actors were annoying as shit!”

“i did find them slightly too committed to the role,” todoroki concedes neutrally, which totally means she agrees with katsuki 100% and is being precious about it. katsuki scoffs.

“least the view’s decent.”

“the-“ todoroki starts, in weirdly confused tones, until she follows katsuki’s gaze outward and nods in understanding. “oh, the skyline. yes.”

what else katsuki could have meant she doesn’t fucking know: they’re sitting pretty in the middle of tokyo. the only thing the hellhole of a restaurant has going for it at this point is the cityscape.

todoroki stares out into the distance for a good long moment, and with the breeze her negligently loose hair whips this way and that, red and white blur where the two halves mingle. instinctively katsuki itches to braid it flat so it doesn’t tangle. if todoroki asked her she’d tell her to just cut her damn hair into a bob or something- it’s not like icyhot has any attachment to her princess hair, and she’s got the obnoxious bone structure to pull off any length. not that she’d mention this last part. or that she’s given it much thought. it’s just fucking obvious.

if todoroki could keep her mouth shut throughout the rest of the meal, it could be sort of nice. tokyo skyline, and companionable silence, and presumably edible food. worse ways to kill some time, and way less incriminating than anything that may be said otherwise.

“i think this is the part where we make small talk,” todoroki says instead, sadist that she definitely is, as katsuki grimaces feelingly her way.

“no, we don’t.”

“well, we don’t. but this is the part where we should.”

“i don’t even believe you can last a minute of small talk, icyhot.”

todoroki looks pensive, mismatched eyes thoughtful. “...how has your day been?”

“uneventful,” katsuki says, combative, and eyes her watch. todoroki does not give.

“this place seems nice.”

“you don’t even think that.”

“how have you been finding tokyo?”

“noisy.”

“the weather seems-”

“no.”

“you look nice.”

“you said that already, dumbass,” katsuki grunts, palms crackling with sweat, and does not at all read into the way todoroki makes a stupid little movement with her mouth that could ungenerously be interpreted as a pout.

“well, i meant it, so i’m saying it twice.”

“give it up, half ‘n half, just ask me about training.”

“...how is your training?”

“i did this thing yesterday,” katsuki starts, leaning back in her chair, and from then launches into a very technical and barely exaggerated retelling of the batshit insane stunt she pulled off with her quirk the day prior. todoroki’s focused attention is gratifying, in a totally platonic non-weird way- it’s just that her parents couldn’t very well follow why exactly said stunt was as insane as it is, but todoroki obviously can, and also there’s that thing with todoroki where pulling a reaction out of her ice queen act is admittedly more satisfying than most people. it has jack shit to do with the fact katsuki’s got a very minor complex about todoroki paying her her dues, and even if it did then that’s entirely fucking reasonable considering she still hasn’t forgiven her for the sports fest incident. 

it is a little weird having todoroki’s sole focus on her outside of hero shit, though. it’s not like they really hang out one on one outside of school or work. it’s kind of- unnerving. yeah. unnerving, to be making prolonged eye contact, todoroki’s expression intent but not intense the way she gets in fight scenarios, frowning lightly because she has resting bitch face but apparently genuinely interested. it’s kind of a relief that todoroki asks questions- moves them safely into a conversation, so katsuki’s not just sitting there talking and sort of dry-throated. fucking waiter, leaving them water-less.

it’s fine. they talk about training, and quirks, and then todoroki pushes her hair behind her ears and leans forward to demonstrate on a small scale this thing she’s trying to do where she melts her ice and refreezes it in rapid succession so it causes what is essentially ice rain, but there’s logistics and shit that need to be worked out for it to work the way she’s thinking it might, and katsuki knows her thermal shit so they start scrawling maths over the napkins, and then bicker over the finer points of first year chemistry, so when the food actually arrives to interrupt them todoroki’s startled blink is weirdly relatable, like she also forgot where they were.

the waiter’s there and gone before they’re really recovered from the brief misplacement, which katsuki registers only when she looks down at her empty glass.

“goddamnit- how hard is it to bring us water?”

“they only offer sparkling,” todoroki says, gravely, then outpaces katsuki’s disgust by placing her hand over her glass, ice rising before she switches hands and melts it down. “tell me if the temperature’s off.”

intensely mollified and trying not to look it, katsuki sips it. “’s fine.”

“okay,” todoroki says, faintly pleased, and tilts her head to look down at her food. “i have no idea what any of this is.”

“moron,” katsuki snorts, except it comes out way fonder than it has any rights to, and from beneath the convenient curtain of hair todoroki’s smiling a little, so she hastily stabs a frog leg and gets to eating before anyone gets any ideas.

the actual meal goes okay-ish. most of the stuff todoroki ordered is extremely pretentious french cuisine, and todoroki secretly has the culinary adventurousness of a five year old, so it befalls katsuki to impatiently attempt every dish and pronounce it edible before todoroki will deign to brave it. she’s still trying to bully an unyielding todoroki into attempting the weird bird soup thing when there’s commotion nearby. it takes the both of them approximately three seconds to spring into work-mode; katsuki’s on her feet poised for a fight before she’s even consciously thought about it, scanning her peripherals, and she doesn’t even need to look to feel todoroki unconsciously covering her back, cool sting of air signalling her quirk at the ready. 

the commotion turns out just to be some old dumbass choking, relaxing them both out of their stances as she falls back to let todoroki ahead. they’re both uber-qualified for first aid shit, but she’s self-aware enough to know even todoroki’s bland reassurances are usually preferred to her bedside manner. unfortunately, the whole entourage seems to be braindead, because they’re all crowding the old guy in a panic while he chokes, his wife in shrieking hysterics.

“oh, my god, he’s choking! he’s choking! sugar-plum, stay with me!”

“fuck me,” katsuki mutters, unethically thinking that she would personally prefer choking to being married to someone who calls her sugar-plum, but todoroki’s pushing ahead with implacable calm, so she trudges after her anyways.

“excuse me. excuse me. i need access to your husband.”

“who are you? don’t touch him! help! get this woman off my husband!” wailing hysteric yells, bosom heaving dramatically. katsuki is starting to suspect she poisoned him on purpose or some shit, because no way does anyone talk like that in real life.

“she’s a fucking qualified first aid provider, lady, shut up and let her through!”

thankfully, the woman seems on the verge of an outrage aneurysm, which drags her focus away from suffocating her choking husband to dramatically pointing at katsuki long enough for todoroki to duck past her and reach the guy as he turns purple.

“how dare you speak to me that way? who do you think you are?”

“ma,” chinless moron number one says, clearing his throat. “i think that’s one of those future pros from TV.”

“what?”

“you know, ma,” chinless moron number two adds, glancing nervously between them. “the one that explodes things. you know. from UA.”

katsuki takes great pleasure in watching recognition dawn in the old cow’s beady eyes, but in any event there’s a hacking noise and then the old man’s coughing out a bone into his plate as todoroki steps noiselessly back from the table.

“he’s fine now. enjoy your dinner.”

“god, that was gross,” katsuki says, as they ignore the woman’s sputtering and return to their seats. todoroki tilts her head. 

“not really. if he’d thrown up it would have been.”

“not the choking guy,” katsuki scoffs, casting a glance back his way. “his wife. talk about theatrics.”

“she seemed more afraid of us than her husband dying.”

“for good reason,” katsuki mutters darkly, spreading out in her chair. “i hate civilians.”

“i don’t think she recognised us,” todoroki counters, pensive, and absent-mindedly takes a bite of the weird soup before she screws her face up like a betrayed kid. “oh. you didn’t say it was sweet.”

the look on her face thoroughly distracts katsuki from asking what other reason the pearl-clutcher could possibly have to be so terrified at the mere sight of them; instead, she chokes back a laugh, stifling a grin. “what are you, five?”

“i don’t think i like this,” todoroki says, mournful, which makes katsuki grin harder. she can’t help it- todoroki looking stupid is her kryptonite. 

“then don’t pick a restaurant where you can’t read the menu, next time.”

todoroki’s midway to looking up, but for some reason her expression transforms instantaneously, which makes katsuki reflexively try to quash her amusement. todoroki always gets weird when she’s smiling. 

“next time?”

motherfuck. obviously she didn’t mean next time like next time, she meant next time like- hypothetically, in the future, when todoroki’s on a lunch date with someone else. a lunch non-date. she’s just about stopped sputtering furiously long enough to try and express this sentiment when it occurs to her that todoroki seems- pleased, one eye soft sky-blue when katsuki accidentally meets it, and that draws her up short long enough that she ends up just muttering lamely to herself. fucking todoroki. 

on the heels of this utter embarrassment, she downs the rest of her water, scowls in a neat 180 at everything in sight, and wonders for the first time in her life how the fuck extras get through dates. not that this is one.

it’s fine. they’re done eating, and no one’s died, and katsuki is no longer fifteen and thus mostly trusts her ego to lick its wounds and recover from the ordeal. even if they stick around for desert that’s only another half hour of this to endure. as long as todoroki doesn’t make any sudden moves they’ll be fine.

...the problem is, of course, that sudden moves are todoroki’s modus operandi. katsuki has not forgotten the bitch calling them friends on national television in the same breath that she was vociferously denying them being anything of the sort. in todoroki’s fucked up brain, they’re always ten steps ahead of whatever they actually are- considering katsuki’s come around to privately acknowledging she’d take a couple more stakes through the gut for the asshole, in todoroki’s world they're practically hitched.

platonically. platonically practically hitched. this is not a thing, goddamnit. no matter the weird looks aizawa’s been giving them, or utsushimi’s nefarious schemes, or the alarming cardiopulmonary condition katsuki’s been developing of late. she’s not some shitty yuri protagonist pining over the nearest female bishōnen in her vicinity.

admittedly if she was to pine over anyone it sure as fuck wouldn’t be some guy, but that’s besides the point, since pretty damn near every person on earth is just some guy by her standards, regardless of gender. the fact that todoroki is not one of said people is entirely irrelevant.

her internal irritation is so distracting that she misses the tremors nearby until entirely too late, by which point todoroki’s stupidly perfect brows raise an incremental fraction and she goes: ‘oh’.

when todoroki goes ‘oh’, some shit is about to go down. 

katsuki turns slowly with an impending sense of doom, and sure enough, the sight that greets her is so nightmarish she seriously reconsiders whether the entire day has been just that. 

“don’t freak out,” a giant building-sized deku booms, apologetically, as his hideous giant face stares at them. “it’s just a quirk thing.”

it’s probably a good thing katsuki has gone speechless with outrage, since it permits todoroki’s constantly composed ass to ask useful questions katsuki probably would have coated in a fair amount more threats and cursing.

“midoriya. i didn’t know you were in tokyo.”

“well, i wasn’t meant to be,” deku says/booms like a foghorn, as the restaurant clientele shrieks and stampedes behind them. his sheepish expression is even more punchable when magnified. “it’s a long story. it’s almost sorted out now, though. i just saw you guys from over at the NPA office and thought i’d come ask if you maybe wouldn’t mind lending a hand? i wouldn’t ask but there’s going to be a lot of cleanup and your quirks would be really helpful to-”

“we’ll do it as long as you shut the fuck up,” katsuki yells, to cut him off, massaging her temples. “the monologuing’s bad enough when you’re not about to burst my fucking eardrums, jackass.”

“oh, sorry! i’m trying to be very quiet but this body’s just hard to get used to- thank you so much for helping, i didn’t mean to come bother you on break...”

“it’s fine,” todoroki says, and then seems to realise that her monotone doesn’t reach midoriya’s giant-ass ears and clears her throat, raising her voice to a shout. “it’s fine. let me go deal with the bill and then we’ll go.”

“sorry?” midoriya whisper-shouts, craning his monstrous head closer to them, the sight of which will haunt katsuki for the rest of her life. “i can’t hear what you’re saying!”

“she said she’s going to go pay for our nice fucking lunch,” katsuki hollers, with no small sense of satisfaction, as deku winces and todoroki slinks off. “since you want to come crashing it like a dipshit.”

“sorry, kacchan!” deku begs off, flapping hand gestures creating enough wind to knock over a nearby umbrella stand. “i just thought it would be a lot of help if you came to oversee the fall-out- especially with the building damage-”

“we’re good,” todoroki announces, to katsuki, apparently having given up on matching her in decibels. she’s got that classic hero look on her face, already in work mode, but just when katsuki’s about to do the same and jump into action, the look wavers a little and she frowns vaguely awkwardly. “thanks for doing lunch.”

“huh?” katsuki stutters, thrown, and then scowls at nothing in particular, stalling. todoroki’s the one who paid, albeit indirectly- it’s typically weird of her to be all formal about it all of a sudden, leaving katsuki to attempt to wriggle them out of the awkwardness of the moment. “i didn’t do shit except show up and eat, weirdo.”

“it’s been abnormally hard to show up and eat in the circumstances,” todoroki replies, a little wryly, and more concerningly a little resigned sounding. which is just unnatural, because todoroki may have expanded her range of emotions considerably since first year but resignation is not on her usual roster, and there’s nothing to be resigned about unless she had some kind of vested interest in this whole fiasco playing out any better than it did.

which she didn’t, obviously. katsuki’s been through this. she chose the nearest possible venue and rocked up in jeans and a t-shirt, and- and why is the fact that todoroki never dresses so normally out of class only now occurring to her, again?

she’d said ‘i think this is the part where we do small talk’. the part of what?

“yeah, whatever,” katsuki says, automatically, as her brain plays catch-up, which is the excuse she will forever stick to for what leaves her mouth next. “should have known you’d be a lousy date.”

todoroki goes ‘what?’ at the same moment deku does, ten times louder and more bug-eyed, which reminds katsuki that 1) deku is still there, 2) deku is still as big as his martyr complex, and 3) deku is the fucking worst, and allowing him to trap her into friendship is somehow responsible for this, she’s sure of it. 

“can we go handle this fucking mess or what?” katsuki snaps, instead of screaming or breaking deku’s very large nose or maybe self-immolating in abject humiliation, hands erupting into explosions as she jumps onto the balcony railing. maybe if she throws herself headfirst into the debris she’ll concuss herself and turn amnesiac. 

“um,” deku is saying, when she turns a withering glare his way. “um, yes! yes! yeah! let’s go do that!”

so she jumps skywards, explosions blasting her high into the air, and very scrupulously does not look towards the sounds of slick ice forming just behind her until todoroki skates into her peripheral vision, hair waving flag-like behind her. ahead there’s a building with a crater clean through it where deku must have erupted from, though when she turns to comment she finds him a fair deal behind them, lumbering pace slowed further as he avoids stepping on anyone or anything along the streets. instead her eyes lock on todoroki’s where the latter is staring at her, face unreadable, and she bristles hard enough to disrupt trajectory, correcting course rapidly before she plummets into an office.

“what?”

“i’m a lousy date,” todoroki repeats, neutrally, over the wind. katsuki grits her teeth.

“and what about it?”

she’s bracing for a lot, but not the horrible, sickening eye-crinkle thing todoroki does, dark eye twinkling even as her expression stays carefully impassive. “you think you can do better, then?”

“hah?”

“next time,” todoroki intones, very precisely, and then dips ahead like a complete coward as katsuki goes a color never previously visible to the human eye, sifting through about fifteen emotions before she decides to stick to outrage.

“what the hell? you suck at asking people out, icyhot!”

“you don’t have to say yes.”

“what, you think i can’t do better than this mess? you’re on, asshole.”

“i look forward to it,” todoroki says, gravely, and then there’s a collapsed building to handle and shit to do and if anyone wants to ask why katsuki is so especially gleeful in blowing shit up they wisely keep their mouths shut. she just likes the job, all right.

(for the record, it’s still not a date until katsuki says it is.)

[fallingfor-fics]

Teachers Pet-chapter 19: the universe

All chapters

chapter 18

Nothing crazy happened in DADA today and I was heading to potions with Draco, we were going over the properties of Amortentia in hopes to brew it perfectly with no mishaps. I was also a bit worried, I was aware that the way it smells is different for each person, and I was afraid to find out what mine smelt like. We walked into class and took our seats, still quizzing each other on each step. 

The bell rang and everyone was seated waiting for instructions. "Open your books to page 324 and begin prepping your tables as usual, all the ingredients are here and you know where your supplies are, get started and let me know if you have any questions, please do not make me have to take my time to clean up any messes." he said coldly and sat back down in his chair. I went up and got the cauldron and our ingredients. "Ok Y/n would you like to do the honors and I'll stir it this time?" Draco asked smiling "If you really trust me then yes" I said laughing, I worked on this for so long with Snape so I should be able to do it perfectly! I just needed to focus and not overthink it, it was a simple potion and if Draco can do it, so can I. I added peppermint flowers and leaves, powdered moonstone, and Draco stirred between each teaspoon, I then sprinkled in the rose thorns and placed in the Ashwinder eggs. Draco watched closely as I did so making sure I was getting everything correct. After letting it sit we uncovered it and stirred it counterclockwise and it took on its pearl sheen. I smiled wide and refrained from jumping up and down. "Hell yes" I whispered to Draco "We did it!" he said high fiving me. I looked up at Snape and we made eye contact. I motioned to the cauldron and smiled, to which he returned with a very small faint one and turned back to his work. I felt butterflies again and a sense of joy that I succeeded for him again.

"Ok now take a whiff Y/n'' Draco said, "What? no you first" I said afraid of what may happen. "Ok ok fine." he leaned over and took in a light sniff, I looked at him expectantly, "Well?" I questioned looking at him thinking of what it smelt like "Hmm it smells sweet like warm cookies and pumpkin juice" he said with a confused look, "ha you know who likes pumpkin juice?" I said teasing, "Who?" he questioned seriously trying to figure out who it was, "Harry" I said smiling. "Oh buzz off Y/n It certainly does not smell like Potter, that's absolutely revolting" he said a little too defensive, I shrugged my shoulders and giggled, "Your turn! Better hope it doesn't smell like Filch!" he said trying to tease me like I did him, I cringed at the idea and leaned over the cauldron I took a deep breath preparing myself, I closed my eyes and took in a small whiff, "Well what do you smell?" Draco said, waiting. I opened my eyes and took it in, "Um, just pine trees and rain" I said lying, I took another whiff and the scent of old leather shoes, parchment, and firewhiskey filled my nose, I closed my eyes once more taking it in and letting it linger, "I'm gonna use the restroom" I said to Draco, walking past Snape not bothering to ask and exiting the class, I quickly walked outside, shaking hands and began to take deep breaths, counting to ten and doing everything in my power to keep the tears that brimmed at the edges of my eyes in. I can't. I couldn't deal with this right now, none of this made any sense. A hot tear ran down my cheek and I quickly swiped it away. No not right now, not here. I closed my eyes shut and the smell lingered in my brain. How could this be possible? I leaned over my hands on my face, trying to slow my heart back down. How could it smell like him?

"Mr. Malfoy where did Ms. L/n just run off too?" Snape asked, noticing she darted from the room. "She said she had to use the restroom, I'm guessing it was an emergency." Draco stated. "Yes, well pour the potion into a vial and get to cleaning up" he ordered the boy and walked out of his room.

I looked to the sky again wanting to scream at the universe. Of all the people in the world. There had to be something wrong with the potions? Or my nose? There's no possible way this was real? I mean there's no way he's- I began crying at the thought that the one person for me was the one person I couldnt have. "This was just supposed to be some silly little crush and now I've just found out my whole future" I sighed to myself. I refuse to believe it, I must have it mistaken, I mean lots of people probably smell like this, its very popular scents. I thought as I wiped my tears, the pressure was getting to me and I couldn't help it. There was a light mist falling and my hair grew a tad frizzy and my skin damp. "Ms. L/n what's going on?" I stood up straight at the sound of his voice. No. why is he out here what's he doing? "Nothing, I'm fine I'll be back in a minute" I said, trying my best to sound like I hadn't been crying. Now wasn't the time I needed him here to comfort me, I wanted more than anything to run and hug him and let him hold me in his arms, but the thoughts of what this all meant were reminding me of why I couldnt and why I'd never be able to. "Did Mr. Malfoy say something?" he pressed on "What? No, I said I'm fine" I said sniffling quietly and still not turning to look at him, "You can't just run out of class Y/n, what happened?" he said in a more stern but soft voice walking closer to me. "I just needed some air, that's all I felt l-lightheaded" I said, tears forming again as I thought about the scent that was now growing closer to me. "Do you need to go to the infirmary?" he asked, slowly growing closer. "No, I'm fine" I said thinking about what the hell I'm going to do with this information. I mean what does this mean? Am I gonna be alone? Will it change once these feelings pass and I can find someone else? I knew the answers to these, but I wasn't going to accept there was nothing I could do.

"Y/n tell me what's the matter?" he said putting his hand on my arm and turning me to face him, I looked down tears still flowing down my face, this situation was becoming all too familiar. Why did we keep finding ourselves here? "Y/n." he said, wanting me to spill my heart out like id done in the tower, but I wasn't going to, I couldn't, "Y/n come on." he said in a calm tone. I looked up to him wiping my tears and then looked off to the side. "I can't, it's none of your business." I said in a calm but stern tone. "You said we were friends right? So tell me what troubles you or else I may need to inform Albus." he said, not taking his gaze from me. I looked up at him "Are you going to continue to threaten me with my godfather everytime I dont tell you something?" I said upset he was using this factor against me, "As long as it works yes" he said with a slight smirk. "When you brew Amortentia what do you smell?" I asked looking at him in his eyes, they flashed with a sense of regret and he looked away for a moment "I don't see how that matters?" he said looking back at me. "Well when I did it, I smelt the same someone I was troubled over at the tower, and I'm not sure what kind of sick joke the universe keeps playing, but i'm not gonna be able to withstand the...humiliation any longer.'' I spat out getting more frustrated and another tear falling. He sighed and looked at me, "No don't say anything, I need to get back to class, just pretend this never happened ok?" I said wiping my tears and looking up at him. His hair was lightly dusted with mist and his face looked sadder than normal, he looked empathetic and concerned, his skin beautifully painted with the damp water and his dark eyes clear through the mist. He looked so handsome. I walked past him and headed back inside not wanting to risk him reading my thoughts and picking up on my emotions and what was causing them.

   Draco didnt question anything and after class I went to visit Albus before dinner. I needed family right now and some of his wise words. I waited outside his office and it opened up. I walked in and was greeted by the kind old man. "Ahh evening dear, how are you?" he said smiling as I just silently walked over and hugged him, "Oh whats wrong my child? Bad day?" I laughed lightly and let go, he sat down in his chair, hands crossed as I paced back and forth. "You could say that." I said sarcastically. "We brewed Amortentia in potions today" I said slowly walking around his office. "Oh and how did that go?" he said innocently, I know he knows everything, so I know he knows I didn't have the easiest time. "I just feel like the whole universe is against me you know?" I asked laughing. "Yes I'm aware of the feeling" he said smiling still. I went and sat down, my feet draped over the arm of the chair. "Is it possible someones cursed me?" I said looking at him. "Possible, but unlikely" he said offering me a lemon drop. I took it and popped it in my mouth. "Well if karmas real, what did I do to deserve this punishment?" I questioned looking up at the ceiling. "Well what happened that you believe is a punishment?" he asked patiently. I looked at him and swung my legs back over to face him. "I smelled the potion, and it told me that i'm never gonna be happy" I said shrugging "Do smells talk to you often y/n? He said grinning through his half moon spectacles. "Haha you know what I mean." "Well how can you be certain? Is the person dead?" he asked looking at me. "No" I said in a small tone. "Is the person in Azkaban?" I looked at him noticing what he was doing "Nooo." He placed his hands on his desk and leaned forward a bit, "then how can you be sure?" he questioned. I pondered for a moment, "You don't understand, I literally can't be with this person, they'd never feel the same, and it just won't work." I said sighing, "Well the universe is never against you my dear, it may feel so, but everything that happens, no matter good or bad, happens for a reason. And the universe has a plan, so if it wanted you to know your person is easily accessible, for lack of better words, then it would have. Never underestimate its powers." I listened deeply and took in everything he said. "So you're saying it is possible this may not be as irrational as it seems?" I said still confused "Im saying its more than possible." I smiled up at him and walked around his desk hugging him. "Thank you" I said smiling and waving as I headed to leave for dinner.

[tigerdrop]

Something in me tells me I shouldn't enable you to write horny shit, but let's be honest, we want to see it. I'm rather curious of how you're gonna process that scene and make it horny, literally been wondering since I first saw it. I feel you're gonna give me another disease and I don't know how to feel about it.

god ok this is like string of consciousness shit b/c my brain is spinning at 5000 rpm and you know whats gonna be under this readmore so dont bitch at me about it. dont look at this dont read this im sorry

like not to be a freak or anything but also the bit where benreys keeping him stuck in the stall. that had horny energies to me

makes it so that benrey shows up just like half a minute earlier and gordons bladder-shy so he cant actually fuckin finish the job while benreys in there........dudes been waiting for a month okay hes gonna have a hard time 

i really do want this bitch to call gordon a dirty lil boy and make fun of him for the mess he made but for . you know. that reason. THE reason

want him to be like "clumsy, arentcha" when gordons struggling to undo his HEV suit b/c his hands are shaking so bad from the desperation.......pressing gordon up against a stall to do it for him while hes begging benrey to hurry up, its his fucking fault that gordons like this 

utterly obsessed with his suit starting to suck him off when hes in situations like this b/c it detects the elevated adrenaline and heartbeat and him getting a little hard from being pushed around like this and it kicks in automatically

especially b/c it makes it that much harder for a dude to relieve himself......its agonizing

"some kinda science......genius.......you are. cant even get this thing off yourself.......maybe you shoulda gone to........piss school. for idiots" 

cue high pitched, nervous, horny laughter like what the fuck is he saying. IM GOING INSANE THINKING ABOUT ALL THE NERVOUS GIDDY LAUGHTER IN THIS SCENE

telling gordon not to look and making him go stand in the corner but hes too fucking stupid to just go into the stall and take care of business

doesnt even think about it b/c his hearts pounding so much from benrey showing up for the first time in ages just to bully him in a fucking theatre bathroom.......and he likes it whats his problem

gordon just like "okay, fine! ill just, take care of business in here" once benrey bullies him to go into the stall........and benreys like, haha, what? and opens the door just to fuck with him.....and when gordon is like "oh my GOD fine fine fine ill get out" benrey shuts the door on him again and hes so caught up in playfighting with benrey by trying to open the door and having it be shut in his face again he forgets that he can just take a piss now if benreys trying to hold the door closed

IM GOING INSANE. THE PLAYFIGHTING. IT WAS SO MUCH

JUST HAVING SOME GIGGLES WITH THE GUY I INSIST IS MY ENEMY WHILE WERE TALKING ABOUT PISS IN THE BATHROOM 

i just auggufhughfugh i cant get over all the GIGGLING.......like......both of them knowing What This Is and gordon still tittering like a fucking schoolgirl the whole time b/c hes nervous but its like a giddy nervousness. he likes being fucked with

and like......the way gordon goes along with everything benrey says so easily.......it feels like. it feels like a Kink Scene. like they Discussed it

thinking about. benrey really taking his time undoing those latches. making gordon squirm and bitch at him to go faster. "maybe you should, uh, ask nicely, huh? like a good boy?" and gordon has to wrench his eyes shut from how hot that gets him. and thats what gets him to finally say "please hurry up benrey oh my god" and when benrey finally gets him undone he just.......stands there. watching. doesnt pull off the codpiece or anything, just leaves it like that. and gordons like "uh okay can i. can i go now please" benreys just like "i dunno man......can you? you really gonna show me your meat like that? thats nasty" but hes grinning the whole time he says it

and tl;dr he gets gordon to take it off right there and show off his dick (which is, uhh, painfully hard from all the sucking-off his suits been doing) and gordons like "jesus christ ok you got to see my dick and you got to jerk me around. what more do you want" and benrey. touches it. grabs it in his hand. and just casually admits "i wanna see you piss yourself man" outright and gordon nearly passes out b/c half his blood is going to his face and half to his dick and none of its left in his brain

cue more of that high-pitched nervous laughter b/c haha, what

"im-- im not gonna do that, man, thats-- thats gross. and especially not when youre-- when youve got your hand on my dick, jesus, theres like 6 urinals in here you can just-- you can just watch if you wanna be fucking weird" and benrey just shrugs and is like "yeah i know thats kind of the point" WRT touching gordons dick right now

the struggle between "liking to do what benrey tells him to do" and "feeling humiliated at the thought of not just pissing himself in a perfectly good public restroom, but doing so while benreys grabbing his dick and calling him a nasty little boy and starting to stroke him off" making gordon fucking combust 

and eventually gordon slams his head back against the stall wall and is like, "fucking, okay, jesus, but i cant just-- i cant just do this shit on command, okay, i dont know" b/c he had never envisioned that it would come to this and the way benreys talking to him right now makes it a hell of a lot easier for him to just.......follow benreys lead and do what he says

benreys like "i got time bro. you might wanna hurry up tho, somebody could walk in here, like, whenever. you really want tommy to see you like this? kinda sick, man" and gordon makes a desperate sound b/c no he fucking does not and the humiliation is so real that its turning him beet red 

so. you know. you end up with. gordon actually trying really hard to piss himself. benreys encouraging him and bullying him at the same time and he really wants to do what benrey says right now

but hes struggling against both his boner and his bladder-shyness so its not just like he can instantly make it happen......so benrey maybe.......slides his other hand up under the HEV suit. presses down right at the base of his stomach

and gordon whimpers as thats just the impetus he needed to finally let go......and it takes so fucking long even though hes not trying to hold it in in the slightest......and thats when benrey finally calls him a dirty lil boy and tells him to look at the mess he made. stroking him off even more while he does it

i just. i really want gordon to actually be trying to piss himself for once b/c benrey asks him to,

OKAY. BYE. BYE. BYE. I HAVE TO GO

[notwhoiwanttobeyet]

swimming carnvial cycle ✨

~2021~

1. walking to the pool haha what if i drown wait unless LoL

2. *enters pool* oh FUCK wait this is happened wow

3. why have i been dissociating since bad recently tf i love dissocion wew

4. wait seriously i haven't swam in a pool a year because of covid am i gonna remember how to swim ?

5. oh my god i'm gonna die i can't do this wait what if i drown what if i randomly get my period for no reason and everyone watches me BLEED in the POOL oh god oh god oh jeSus help oh god i can't swim i'm gonna be so bad i'm so ugly everyone's gonna see my ugly legs and scars and my ugly face with the ugly swimming cap and goggles my eyes are my only good feature and they'll be covered fucK everyone's gonna be judging me what if i get my period what if i literally drown what if i stop mid way and can't breathe i'm gonna humiliate myself and everyone already hates me oh god oh no my memory is so bad especially on bad dissociation days then i like have dissociation dementia what if i go to five in the pool and literally just freeze up what if-

6. why am i shaking this bad whats happeninf

7. WHY DID ONLY 5 OF US SHOW UP WHaT tHe aCtuaL fUck WHY ARE PEOPLE WORKING SHIFTS DURING THE SWIMMING CANIVAL??? WHY ARE YOU GOING TO YOUR MUSIC LESS NO NOT NOW WHYYY WAIT WE HAVE 4 PEOPLE AW SHIT HOW ARE WE GONNA COVER ALL THE EVENTS QJSBWKQNSB

8. ms. hong comforted and looked after me which was very sweet of her and thinking about it now it's probably the best human interaction i've had all week which says a lot about my social life and overall happiness

9. so yeah i had an anxiety attack :)

10. AW SHIT FIRSF RACE TIME AKSBWJSB

11. i can't do this i can't do this i can't do this WAIT MY HAIR IS SUCH A WEIRD LENGTH IT WONT FIT IN MY CAP ITS LIKE HANGINF OUT ILL HAVE TO SHOVE IT IN ABSHWBW

12. okay dont stuff up this dive oH gOd i DiDnT sTuFf iT uP oH mY gOd MY BODIES MOVING ON ITS OWN HOW AM I DOING THIS WHAT AISJSBWKS OKAY JUST REMEBER THAT QUOTE EVEN IF I CANT, I HAVE TO DO THIS OKAY NOW IM INVISIONING MIDORIYA AND SNAIL IS PLAYING ON REPEAT IN MY HEAD WHY IS BREATHING SO HARD

13. OH MY GOD WE CAME SECOND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK MY BRAIN CANT PROCESS THIS THE FUCK

14. wait i think i'm paralysed i literally can't stand up my legs won't move did i break them what's happening

15 i can't fill in the backstroke As i'm gonna but my head on the wall and i can't even feel my legs i can't physically compete oh well looks like i'll have to

16. 10 minutes pass i can sort of feel my legs again i have to do this i guess skskj

17. aWFUL i came like maybe 5th if i'm lucky i was so slowww ewww

18. we can't physically do this relay we have 4 people we cant do it we'll just drop out and save our energy for the freestyle relay oh shit okay no apparently we can't do that looks like we'll have to go twice irs only supposed to be 25m each this will be easy but my legs aren't really working and i can feel my heart literally burning in my chest i have heart burn and maybe a stitch help

19. no male friends spectating i do not feel comfortable talking to you dressed like this no thank you

29. we didn't win the relay but we finished which is all that matters

30. hey candy

31. wait now i feel sick bad idea

32. ewww shirtless men wait am i a lesbian NoT tHe TiMe fOr a SexUaLiTy CrIsiS

33. but seriously e w

34. wait btw im trying to post this on the website on mobile and tumblr keeps crashing help

35. oKay last race give this my ALL my absolute ALL until i can't breathe and feel so dead

36. wait what is this feeling ? adrenaline ? for some reason i'm now full of energy and am screaming fuck it what is this anxiety override and i okay

37. we don't have enough people aw shit looks like we're swimming twice

38. oh shit i fucked the dive OH GOD IM BLIND I SEE LIGHT IS THIS THE END IM DEAD oh no wait just blind im literally swimming blind, relying on my amazing body coordination and awareness to give this my FUCKINF ALL LETS FUCKING GOOOOO

39. WE CAME THIRD OH MY FUCKING GOD WE'RE SO COOL

40. what is happening how

41. OKAY I SAY FUCK IT, let's go again and nor skip

[sikmsik]

week 1: ideas

I collected a series of tweets (I think best in its brevity) made for each of the 3 possible thesis proposals. Through all the proposals the medium is primarily the same: a book. I’m most interested in the book as a format and its intimacy as a medium so in any case I wanted to use it to communicate something personal and intimate, and additionally bind and create the book myself.

01: A fantasy comic focusing on a protagonist’s journey back to his home country and dealing with the cultural repercussions of a political shift. (I’ll throw in the tweets as a paragraph because in retrospect they were pretty funny.)

10 years ago lukar and solace trained together side by side in the army of the (???) and uh they were pretty gay. but in the civil war that resulted among the noble houses of the (???), lukar got thrown into slavery rings and cursed by witch houses to the snake's slow waste, and after fighting out of it he's returned to his home domain (???) to reclaim his rightful inheritance and use the blood of usurpers to free him from his curse. too bad solace is there heading the troops that are the main portion of the army. 

usurpers adapting local culture, lukar feeling unworthy and gritting his teeth and fighting anyway, he totally tried to use his relationship with solace to get into it, solace struggling with duty and honor as concepts because he was exiled from his own homeland as a child and the relationship he has with his parents and birth nation...

02: A reflection of my high school mental landscape as a result of various things: Chinese heritage, desire to achieve more than I might be able, centering on the one time I got in a fight with my parents and ran away to hide behind a brick wall for an hour. This idea was also the idea I developed the most, with thumbnails and layouts drawn. (Again, more edgy tweets in paragraph form.)

gifted and talented. those words don't describe me. but they come weighted with some kind of expectation. and i felt like i had to live up to them and when i didn't i was met with ignorance. rejection. disappointment, violently so. the yolk is invisible. be the best. prove them wrong. prove who wrong? them. you owe them you owe them

i couldn't take tests then. i was so used to the glowing yellows of 90s percentiles behind the signs lit up to announce you are entering the housing subdivision, hoping the car lights wouldn't find me in my shame. staring at the sky and the trees and realizing maybe i was just a useless and spoiled teenager throwing tantrums. gifted and talented. it's dumb.

the world is too much. in places where there is motion at day i find comfort at night, empty classrooms and stairwells and empty studios. laundromats where my thoughts are loudest. 

two shadows. my thoughts spill out into the sidewalk.where there is emptiness i want to fill those with something me—words, gestures. i feel free. unpressured by anything. it feels good. i can hide among the chaos of city and drown out my own screaming

03: Lastly, a visual memoir of sorts documenting my experience growing up Chinese-American, my alienation from both my heritage, my environment, and even peers who are also perceived to be Chinese. Again. some tweets.

he is chinese. i am chinese. we are chinese. (the image indicates these to be lies.)

incense smells like the family i never knew. it makes me sick.

two identities, competing (hands in a body) for dominance.

chinese american. chinese-american.

i'm tired of people being kind of awful about Cantonese how about you shut the fuck up? imagine feeling like ur chinese experiences aren't validated when ur around chinese people. so: whats it like to not feel like ur heritage isnt as important? whats it like to not feel like the language and food and traditions which yOU FEEL SO PROUD OF and call chinese, not, be, The Majority? whats it like to not feel humiliated because u didn't know anything about chinese culture outside of THE ONE YOU GREW UP WITH OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT CULTURE YADA YOU DIDN'T GROW UP WITH WHY SHOULD YOU BE EXPECTED TO KNOW? whats it like to have chinese people poke n prod and say wow your language is really weird idk the difference between any of the tones? whats it like to have chinese people just not know what damn food ur talking about, the one uve eaten all ur life. chinese people, american people—i dont even belong with a lot of chinese-american people because only small % share similar culture w meto not even fit in and feel strong shared experience with people LIKE you—growing up between china and america—that's Super Fucked

there was some white guy claiming that knowing about chinese culture, wearing chinese clothes, is being chinese—but like. it's not about what you do, it's about who you are. it's just. why do you get to say you're chinese and not have to go through the shittiness of being denied a name and place at every turn. fitting in nowhere bc other things & people fill up more space so you have to shrink yourself until there's no more room for you to breathe

i want to be my own person! not crushed under the weight of what i'm supposed to do (surpass my parents? imploding)

i want also to think abt the idea of owing things to your parents because like. i owe a lot to them obviously (uh my being here, life expenses, college) but the way they gave up on teaching me the chinese way was.... hurtful to both of us.

when i was 11 i was sent to chinese school. (i was humiliated. this person who was humiliated has not left me since.) i always thought my mom would teach me cantonese. and for a while she did. but i guess she gave up. mandarin is easier. but in fact it was the most difficult thing i had ever done, trying to bend my brain around something i had no interest in or connection to.

[jasonangrytodd]

I swear to god everyone who speaks to me or has stopped speaking to me are just stupid people that are so selfish or doing things that are driving me mad. I’ll only make a list of different people and just go and die because I don’t know how else to get rid of this, because now I have a lot of people talking to me and I swear I’ll snap and I’ll tell them what I think and how it’s not fair, and they will get butthut because nobody likes the truth, but dude. you are awful. you are awful to me, you are awful to other people or you’re simple awful to everyone and what’s worst, is that it hurts me to see you’re the very worst toward yourself. you’re killing yourself and I can only watch and keep listening to you in agony. it’s driving me mad.

You only speak to us when you need something, only then. The rest of the year, you put us in mute.

You talk about how stupid everyone is, and how violent and rude they are, without seeing you’re being stupid, arrogant, unfair and rude to others.

You think you are very smart and talk about shit but then you say you dont know anything about it, and when I try to encourage you to read or look for more, you just skip it and talk about something else.

You were so rude toward me and told me awful things because I didnt know how you were feeling, but you never stopped to see what I was doing for you. I cared for you, I tried to be super open and supportive and I even asked you what was happening, and you snapped at me because I was an ignorant. I asked you. That was my only sin. I asked you so I would stop being an ignorant and you told me to never talk to you again, and I’m going to keep my promise because I know I didnt do wrong and I really don’t need you. I was just trying to be a friend.

You are always hurting yourself and your emotions and feelings and when I ask, you skip the question because you’re so scared to face them, to be honest and to heal and it makes me want to scream because as a human being you’re hurting me when you hurt yourself. Please, stop. Stop doing that. You need a lot of information and education toward growing as a person, about feelings, emotions, about empathy, but you can do it, you can get better, but you don’t, because you only want to skip looking at your wounds, and instead, you want to keep the same cycle of ignoring it, keep your mind busy with ephemeral things.

You invited me out because we haven’t seen each other for so long and I was okay because you talk so much all the time, so really, it doesn’t matter, but you still don’t even know my dad is dead, even if you were close to ask, but you didn’t EVEN ask about my family,what the fuck. You never asked about me, and the only thing you asked me, when I was in the middle of my reply, it reminded you of something and you kept talking again, and okay, it’s okay you talk all the time, but it felt bad that you interrupted me just to keep talking and forgot about me along the way. You made me feel pity about myself, and I hate feeling pity for myself.

This one, is for someone special. I’ll say its name because deserves the shame and humiliation. My brain. You have no right to make me feel guilty because I snapped at someone who deserved it, and you have no right to make me feel pity for myself. I’m strong, I’m competent, I’m not a vulnerable, sad kid anymore, I can protect myself, I can even defend other people, so stop trying to manipulate me to feel bad about everything, you know I hate it so stop. Shut up. I want you to know that I’ll mute you from now on, every time you do something like that. You are not the boss of me.

I thought we were friends and I had a lot of fun with you but you suddenly stopped talking to me and you’re just like the rest, seriously. For doing that, you are just like the 238748923 people I’ve had in my life, and guess what? I’ll forget you like all of them. I’ll forget your face and your name and our memories together, because you left and I was still hoping you’d come back, but you left and still decided to make me wait whenever I talked to you, and you made it so hard to reach you. Well, I get it. You don’t want me around. Okay. It was nice knowing you. Goodbye.

Sometimes I just expect too much from others, I guess, but I thought that if you cared too, you’d give me something too, and I guess I was just stupid to believe I could get something nice from others just because I was feeling sad or wanted some love. I’m crying because I don’t know how to ask for things and I don’t want to ask for things because people don’t like that and then they treat you bad when they get sick of it. But it’s okay, because this will work for me in a different way. I’ll learn how to love myself and give myself what I want from others.

You owe me $1,735 pesos. Pay me now, bitch.

All the time, you’re complaining about something or someone. All the time. And I won’t get tired of saying how I don’t spend all my time talking BS about others because my objective is not to make others feel bad or superior, I’m just trying to point out a probable reason of their behavior, and maybe something I could help with or that I might have. But you. You talk shit about everyone and you are so arrogant and sometimes I’m not in the mood for your shit, so I have to roll my eyes on your face.

I can’t believe you told me you wanted to fix our friendship and the next day you stopped talking to me. It has been eleven months since then. Congratulations. You are the one who sucks as a friend. YOU SUCK AS A FRIEND. I DO NOT. I TRIED MY BEST. YOU SUCK.

I tried to reach you, many times, but since I know how you are, I stayed away so you’d reach me back when you had time and less stressed. You asked me once to go out, I said okay, but didn’t get a date and you didn’t try it again. I felt bad, like I wasn’t being a friend for insisting to see each other, but I wasn’t in my right state of mind and you didn’t message me again even if you were the last one to message me (but you said you’d ask your boss), so... I don’t want you to think I don’t care. I care, but you didnt try to reachme so I thought you didn’t want to, and I left it there. I care, but --

I have this problem that if people don’t ask first, if people don’t do it out of interest or love of their own hearts, I won’t push it, or explain how shitty, sad and hurt I feel. I’ll just be a dick, or ignore, or pretend it is okay.

It is okay.