#so proud of everyone who was a part of this and who contributed 💜💜💜

[black-quadrant]

I am blown away by the quality of everything produced by @neshiki-zine

I contributed writing to this, and I'm so proud to have been a part of this passion project. I hope everyone who loves these two grabs this masterpiece 💜💚

[kitty-is-writing]

Part 5 of Kitty's Pride Month shorts!

This is an older story I wrote for Ace Week a couple of years ago, about Vice-Chief Tironde of Astator. While she has always been comfortable with her identity, it hasn't been easy to explain it to some of her siblings. Here she attempts to get her point across to her polar opposite sister, Hinasi.

🖤🩶🤍💜

🖤🩶🤍💚

Light rain pattered against the windows, joining the soft crackle of the fire to make a soothing background noise. It was the sort of evening Tironde usually enjoyed, the perfect setting to grab a warm blanket, pick up a good book and spend time with her cat Lika. Both cat and book would have to wait this time, however, because her sister was arriving any second for a social call. She wondered how long she would have to endure the gossip and anecdotes about Hinasi’s latest bedmates before she could excuse herself without being rude. She loved her sister, as she did all her siblings, but she did wish Hinasi would be a little less talkative sometimes. Or, at least talk about something more interesting than her ever-changing love life.

The fanfare at the door signalled Hinasi’s arrival, and she sat up a little straighter. Hopefully this wouldn’t last too long. “My dear sister, such a pleasure to see you,” Hinasi said once the formal procession had finished.

“I’m always glad to welcome you here,” she said, waving to the staff member who had just brought in a tray of tea and snacks. “So, how have you been lately? I feel like it’s been forever since we last spoke.”

“Oh, I’ve been just fine. Enjoying the company of a very pleasant man, in fact he’s been a recurring visitor for almost a month now…” Tironde tuned it out slightly, only nodding in places and making vague noises. She knew Hinasi could go on in this vein for some time, as long as nobody interrupted, so it was safe for her to consider her library and imagine herself warm and comfortable in her favourite chair. There was a brief lull in the monologue, and Tironde had an awful feeling she knew what was coming. “So, what about you? Anyone new and exciting in your life?”

She held back a sigh with difficulty. “Just Lika, same as always. You know I’m not into all that, Hinasi.”

“Oh, pish. There must be someone you’re interested in. I noticed a very lovely lady among your guard, I’m sure she’d be happy to warm your bed. Or there’s that baker running the place in the town square, I notice he’s still single…”

“Let me stop you there. I’m aware there are some wonderful people around here, and I appreciate their contributions to Astator’s prosperity and do all I can to ensure their lives are happy and safe. I have no interest in bringing any of them to my bedchamber, and likely never will. I don’t know how many times I’ll have to tell you this.”

Hinasi shook her head, a slightly patronising smile on her face. “You’re not still hung up on that Palar, or whatever his name was? I know that was a bad relationship, but not everyone will be like that.”

“Palamir, and it wasn’t a bad relationship, we just wanted different things and couldn’t find enough common ground to make it work.” Most notably, he had wanted a lot of sex, and she found it extremely boring. “He’s doing exceptionally well with his carpentry lately, in fact. I had a new dining table commissioned from him just last week.”

“Oh, so you’re still interested in his wood?” Hinasi gave her a lewd wink. “I must admit, I always did admire the way he handled his tools.”

“He is a skilled artisan, and understands the medium well enough to get the best results possible…” The double meaning sank in after a few seconds. “Oh, Hinasi, do you have to make everything so crude?”

Hinasi snickered into her tea. “Well, you did leave that one wide open for me. Carpentry, honestly.”

What else was she supposed to have said? Palamir was a skilled carpenter, and she was proud her town had such a talented craftsman, so of course she was going to mention it if the subject came up. How did anyone get sexual innuendo from that? Was there any profession that her sister couldn’t turn into a dirty joke? “If you admire his skills with ‘wood’ so much, perhaps you’d like to pay him a visit while you’re here? I’m sure you can find the carpenters’ easily enough, the carved sign is hard to miss.”

Suddenly serious, Hinasi shook her head. “Not happening. You don’t date your siblings’ former partners, no matter how attractive and skilled they are.”

“That seems unfair. I can understand if a relationship ended badly, or if your sibling still has feelings for the person, but Palamir and I finished things amicably, and neither of us thinks of the other as more than an acquaintance. If you’re interested, and bored with your current lovers, I’m sure he’d be glad to meet you.”

“I have more than enough keeping me occupied in Bewein, and I don’t have to travel five days to see them if I fancy a bit of fun.” She waved off the suggestion. “Besides, we were talking about finding you someone. I have no shortage of interested partners, but you’re spending every night with your cat. Your position as Vice-Chief alone should have those seeking favours queueing at the door most nights, if nothing else, and you’re certainly attractive and personable enough that people would be interested in you for that. What are you doing to scare them all off?”

Tironde couldn’t suppress the sigh this time. “The people of Astator understand and respect my lack of interest in pleasures of the flesh.” Unlike you, she just kept herself from saying. “I do have the occasional visitor claiming they have magical genitals that can change my mind, but all of them leave disappointed when I refuse their advances. Honestly, I fail to understand the appeal of exchanging bodily fluids with another person. It seems a lot of effort for very little reward, and I get more enjoyment from reading a good book or spending time with a friend. Lika provides all the comfort I need at night, and doesn’t demand things from me that I’m uncomfortable giving. Why shouldn’t I live the way I’m happy living?”

“How can you be happy when you’re alone?” Hinasi seemed genuinely confused. “I know my choice to move between casual lovers isn’t for everyone, but there must be a match out there for you. Someone else who loves reading and cats, maybe?”

“I’m not alone, Hinasi. I have friends, I have five siblings who I love even when they’re frustrating the Hells out of me, I have a very affectionate pet, and I enjoy taking some time for myself on occasion. Not everyone needs to be surrounded by people to be happy.” She’d lost count of how many times she’d tried to explain this to one or the other of her siblings. Maybe this time it would sink in. “Having another person around all the time, sharing my entire life and expecting to be included in everything, would make me miserable. If I was unhappy with my life, don’t you think I would have done something to change it by now?”

Hinasi furrowed her brow, looking as if someone had just given her an impossible riddle to solve. “I suppose, but aren’t you even a little interested? Curious, at least? I don’t think you’ve ever been with a woman, maybe that’s more to your taste?”

She barely restrained herself from smacking her own forehead. “Hinasi. Listen carefully. I am not interested in men. I am not interested in women. I am not interested in anyone else, regardless of their gender. I find sex vaguely disgusting and incredibly tedious, and would rather have my eyes gouged out with a spoon than participate in it with anyone, whether casually, in a group, or as part of an exclusive relationship. There is nothing in the world that could induce me to do so, short of physical or magical force. If, by some miracle, a person with a similar attitude towards it and an understanding of my need for personal space came along, only then might I consider thinking about the possibility of discussing a hypothetical relationship with them. Please stop trying to push me into situations I am not comfortable with.”

“Alright, fair enough, but what about children? You’ll have to be with someone at least once to conceive, you know. It doesn’t happen by magic.”

“You’re assuming I want children, which I don’t. Aside from anything else, do you really think I’d make a good mother?” Tironde held up a hand to forestall the inevitable ‘biological clock’ argument. “Before you tell me I’m running out of time to reproduce, let me remind you that you’re four years older than me, sleep with anything that moves, and you don’t have a child either. Shouldn’t your clock be ticking louder than mine by now?”

Hinasi raised her hands, ducking her head in an exaggerated surrender. “Okay, I give in, I won’t pester you about this again. I just want my sister to be happy, that’s all.”

“I am, when I’m not being bugged about my imaginary love life.” She smiled, glad the little dispute hadn’t spoiled her sister’s visit. The conversation moved on to other topics then, until Hinasi and her retinue were shown to the guest rooms for the night. Tironde stood, carried the depleted tea tray back to the kitchens and headed for her own rooms, where her closest companion had been waiting all evening.

“Meeeooooow.” Lika lifted her head as the door opened, stretched, and let out a prolonged, complaining sort of meow.

Tironde sat beside her on the bed, scratching behind her ears. “I know, I’m usually snuggled up with you by now. Hinasi kept me talking longer than I thought she would, but never mind. What are we reading tonight, then?”

Lika made a little ‘prrp’ sound, jumped down and wandered over to the books, sniffing at the lower shelves. “Miaow.”

“You like the look of this one?” Tironde pulled out the book Lika had stopped by. It was an old one, a retelling of some of the tribal legends, and one she always enjoyed reading. “Good choice, Lika. Come on then, let’s get comfy and dive in.”

Moments later, they were snuggled in a nest of blankets, Lika purring madly as Tironde lost herself in the ancient stories. She could almost forget the real world existed, in moments like this. Others might feel a desire to share their special moments with another, and that was fine, but hers were hers alone, without a need for intrusion or interruption. Lika was more than enough company for her, and always would be.

[dead-welsh-kings]

This may not be the last coming out post, because honestly I may still be figuring myself out. But I’m quite confident it will be.

I’m bisexual.

For quite I while I refused to even entertain the thought of being attracted to men. The pure amount that my own personal trauma, and the need to “NoT Be LIke OTheR GiRls,” made me hate the fact I was attracted to men.

I’m afab, and of course me being attracted to men, was the default. It’s what everyone assumed would happen because heterosexual has been the norm for so long. I had a deep need to prove them wrong.

In 2016 I was the exact stereotype of a lesbian. I had made myself that wag on purpose. I wanted people to see me as that for so long.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I had taken on the label pansexual. And to be clear this is not a post bashing lesbians, pansexuals, bisexuals, or anyone of the lgbtqia+ community, this is just me and my experience with those labels.

Whenever I told someone I was pansexual they would usually say something along the lines of “oh you’re bi.” I cannot describe how offended I would be. I was ashamed of being associated with the bisexual label. My thought process then was that, if I was bi I wasn’t gay enough. I was too much like every other girl, and I wanted so desperately to be different. I hated it when anyone would ever even refer to me as bi, which is valid for people who are not bi and when it has nothing to do with their preconceived ideas of bisexuals. It

Being associated with the label bisexual felt like a death sentence for so long. When I did try once labelling myself as bi in late 2019, I had gotten several comments from family members, classmates, and friends, that would ignore the whole point of bisexuality. Liking more than one gender. I didn’t feel validated or “gay enough” to be in the lgbtqia+ community.

It was the same thing with my asexuality.

My lesbian label is what kept me a valid member of the community.

And right now I know that I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

Bisexuality in itself is such a diverse label and identity. ALL BISEXUALS ARE NOT THE SAME! But even through my many layers of shame and internalized biphobia I still do desperately wanted to say proudly “I am a bisexual!” I reasoned with myself so many times saying,

“I can’t say that. I’m gay. Not bisexual.” No matter how many times I questioned my sexuality I always came back to bisexual. Every single time I would take on a different label, if so just to avoid addressing who I was.

It wasn’t until I had met this guy and had fallen head over heels for him, did I even start considering letting that part of me out.

I researched for days. I felt incredibly shameful. I felt like I was betraying everyone by not being a lesbian anymore. I felt like a fraud.

But after all that I found my people. I had finally felt what it was like to feel comfortable in my sexuality, and who I was. I was no longer feeling horrible for not having either totally “homosexual thoughts,” or totally “heterosexual thoughts.” I had both.

Through accepting myself in the way being bisexual was to me and now is, I had started teaching myself love. I wasn’t limited to one type of love. I wasn’t betraying the people around me. The only one I was betraying was myself.

And honestly I never thought it would even be that hard to say. But it is.

And cheers to all you bisexuals who have to put up with so much shit. Not being gay enough, or too straight. Constantly being shoved into a box, and having assumptions made about you that are not true. And I’m sorry, because I contributed to it, even when I knew that it wasn’t true. I wanted to make myself feel comfortable in a sexuality that wasn’t mine.

But now I’m so happy that I’m able to say.

I am bisexual. And I’m proud. It took a lot for me to actually mean that sentence, but I do.

I am bisexual. And I’m a proud one.

💖💜💙