#soci have to be like... sorry :

[mattyknees]

if i never work the bar exam again it will be too soon

[oletus-writer]

ahh would you please please consider a nsfw alphabet for aesop carl? no worries if not! i really like your work, the luchino one was so good!

Ah, thank you for the compliment. I really didn’t think anyone would like the evil reptilian one. Sorry for taking a while, nsfw alphabets seem to be a pretty popular request, and they take a while.

Aesop NSFW Alphabet

Warnings: nsfw

A = Aftercare (what they're like after sex)

He’s pretty tired, so aftercare is usually a few words of praise and toweling you down, before snuggling with you under the covers. If you want anything, such as a snack, he’ll begrudgingly get up and get you what you want.

B = Body part (their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner's)

If he had to choose, it would be your lips - how you wet them with your tongue, how they curve up when you smile, how soft they are. Your mouth is what he always look at when you speak, since meeting your eyes is harder. On him? Exactly the opposite of you - there aren’t that many things he likes about himself he likes, but perhaps he doesn’t mind his legs. You like to kiss them so much, so perhaps they’re not so bad.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

He’s a pretty inexperienced guy, so you’ll have to be the one taking the reins. If you don’t want him to cum somewhere, he won’t, although, it does look good dripping down your thighs or splattered over your back.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He'd kind of want to fuck you in your sleep. Of course, the two of you have to discuss this beforehand, set boundaries, etc., but the allure of using you as a cumhole while risking you waking up is like sex with a corpse and semi-public sex without the illegalities.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they're doing?)

He has absolutely no experience and doesn’t know what he’s doing. He has no time and no social skills to get any bitches. Although, he does know the basic anatomy, as he couldn’t function as an embalmer elsewise.

F = Favourite position (this goes without saying)

Classic missionary. It’s intimate, and feels like he’s in control of his life, for once. Although the initial embarrassment of being a virgin makes him want to hide his face, seeing yours is worth it.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Aesop is nervous, when it comes to sex, so he’s not the one to be making jokes in the moment. If you do, he might think it’s ruining the mood a bit, or be thankful that you’re trying to calm him down. Either way, he’d crack a small smile and move on.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes?)

He didn’t think that pubic hair would matter that much to people, so he doesn’t groom it at all. And about the carpet matching the drapes - his eyebrows are grey, so it would make sense for his pubes to be too.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? are they romantic?)

He’ll whisper sweet things into your ear and constantly praise you, if he’s not too nervous to speak. He’s not romantic per se, since there won’t be candles or anything of the sort, but his heart will be swelling with love.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcannon)

He’s done it a few times, but it’s never felt as good as your hands touching his penis. After meeting you, he’s masturbated more often, when he’s uncomfortable in asking you to do him the favour.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

He’d like to be topped and praised by you, to leave him hickey only the two of you would see. Being an insecure man, he’s unsure of whether or not he’s doing a good job in the moment. On a less vanilla note, he wouldn’t mind manhandling you (or being manhandled) on some of his rougher days. To use you as nothing but a toy to please him would calm him down if he’s ever angry.

L = Location (favourite places to have sex)

The bedroom’s always a safe place to have sex, and Aesop isn’t willing to risk his already suffering social life to fuck you in public. The couch is too uncomfortable, so the two of you would be sticking to the bed.

M = Motivation (what turns them on?)

Wear revealing clothes, touch him in all the right places, the works. Sometimes, when he’s feeling particularly horny, the right angle might even get his mind racing.

N = No (what turns them off?)

He’s quite a devoted man and would do almost anything for you, and that sometimes shows itself in sex. He’s not going to voice his turn offs, in fear of you leaving him, so you’ll have to encourage the communication. He doesn’t particularly like anything unsanitary or anything that would cause pain - he doesn’t get why, in these situations, the pain would become pleasurable.

O = Oral (do they prefer giving or receiving? how skilled are they?)

With Aesop on the receiving end of oral sex, he’d be a whimpering, shaking mess, which is quite embarrassing to him. Once he gets used to the shame he feels, he’d prefer receiving the oral. While he’s got no experience, he’s a fast learner and would remember every act that makes you feel good.

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual?)

Aesop is slow and sensual in fear of hurting you - he can’t go that fast, either, since the autism man is quite weak. Although, bottoming, he wouldn’t really mind, and would let you set the pace.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies)

To be in a situation for a quickie, one would have to be somewhere where having proper sex is not viable. That would mean being in a semi-public situation or close to some sort of commitment. Taking these risks would not be something Aesop is willing to do.

R = Risk (are they experimental? do they take risks?)

As long as it’s in private and the consequences aren’t too big, he’s fine with trying things out, even if it’s something he wouldn’t normally do. He won’t suggest anything, though, and isn’t very experimental at heart.

S = Stamina (how long do they last?)

One round, two if you’re going to stretch it. He hasn’t got a lot of exercise aside from matches. All that running doesn’t improve how exhausted he’d feel after cumming, though. Perhaps overstimulate him to see how he likes it.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them?)

He doesn’t own any toys, and most likely didn’t realise sex toys existed. He’s a busy man, and never had he thought being so intimate with another human would feel this good.

U = Unfair (how much do they like to tease?)

Don’t tease him, or he’d think he’s being punished. He doesn’t like to tease either - why do all this when the two of you could just have sex? To him, it wasted time.

V = Volume (how loud are they?)

Audible, but not too loud. You’d hear grunts, heavy breathing, and a few moans from him, but unless you’ve done something game changing, you won’t hear him scream. That doesn’t mean your name is exempt from his tongue, though; he’d be chanting it like a prayer.

W = Wild card (a random headcannon for the character)

Aesop has nice thighs, for no reason at all. They’re genetically curved and lean, and can squeeze your head with more strength than expected.

X = X-ray (let's see what's going on under those clothes)

He’s a grower, with a 5.5 inch (13.9cm) dick when flaccid, becoming 5.7 (14.5cm) when erect. It’s got a vein on the side and the tip flushes beautifully when hard. It’s on the slender side, but is an overall pretty dick.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

His libido is a bit lower than average, and he usually shuns the thoughts that do come. Even now, he feels a bit disrespectful in thinking those thoughts about you.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He falls asleep pretty quickly, faster than he’d fall asleep normally. He’d wrap his arms around you and either spoon you, bring your head to his chest, or bury his face in you. Any hesitation he might’ve shown in touching you is gone in his sleep. Finally, his features have smoothed out to something peaceful, and he can rest.

[skulkie]

@socialisticle @sophistikitten @humm-bird

sorry besties this is on the dash now for better or worse.

[pliablehead]

sorry if you follow me on multiple socies and have seen me post my dave sardine costume pics absolutely everywhere but have you considered: akon in the butterfly house

David’s House prop closeup and link to more pics under the cut

shoutout to molly for construction guidance and to andrew for taking all the pics! here’s like so many more for funsies: dave faves 2023

[everlastingdreams]

Weeping Monk x Reader : The Forbidden Apple     Chapter 19

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Story Summary: Father Carden begins to notice how his Weeping Monk starts to question all he was raised to believe in. In an effort to distract him, he has his Red Brothers bring him a 'gift.' The Monk is skeptical when he hears of this, Father never just gave him gifts. But when the Monk enters his tent in the evening he understood what Father had meant by 'gift'. You, a fey girl, were the gift.

Chapter Title:  Absit Invidia

Notes: Going through some of those ‘feeling like shit about my writing days’, sorry if I’m slow. 

Warnings: There's a list of warnings for this story: Stockholm syndrome (?), lima syndrom (?). Rape threats, sexual assault, murder and violence. Angst. Sexism. Strong Language. Trauma. Childhood trauma. Survivor's guilt. Mentions of child maltreatment. Mention of menstruation.

Other warnings: ! Smut ! Jealousy. Enemies to lovers (?). Romance. Pining. Thigh grinding.

Word count of this fic: +140K

Chapter:  19 / 27

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

When the sun went down, both you and Pym had headed to the spot in the forest that Red Spear had chosen.

Red Spear had made sure that some of her crew remained sober and vigilant to keep an eye out for trouble.

A bonfire lighted the open space in the forest, some sat around it to talk or just enjoy the warmth. Others were dancing, some even play (?) fighting.

The raiders sure looked like they were enjoying themselves and you weren’t going to be shocked if at least ten of them would need a healer the next morning for injuries they might obtain during this.

Although you feared Pym wouldn’t be up to the task if she kept taking so many sips from her tankard of ale in short periods of time.

At some moments it looked like a fight had broken out, all for it to settle into laughter not a minute later.

Needless to say, this feast was as bizarre as the injuries the raiders often obtained.

You weren’t used to things like this, celebrating with people, especially not a large group.

All your life you had kept yourself on the sideline, fearing that you would disappoint others once they got to know you.

That fear had returned in full force the day you ran into your parents again, your past seemingly following you.

And unlike Pym, you kept yourself away from the more crowded spots.

Lancelot had kept his word and brought Percival along, often tugging at the boy’s vest to keep him from running off just yet.

You went up to them right away “You’re here ! Great ! Do you want some ale ? I could get you a tankard.”

Percival answered before Lancelot could “Yes !” the Ash Man gave him a nudge “Yes, please.” it earned him a second nudge.

Interesting how the otherwise blunt boy could be polite if it was to get what he wanted.

He bit back a smile “No, thank you.” then told the boy “Do not drink ale, Percival. You are too young.”

Percival tried to discuss it “Just a sip ?”

The stern look of the Ash Man gave him the answer he wanted.

An irritated “Fine.” came from the boy.

The scent of ale hanged around the place, something he was not used to smell so much.

Some reeked of ale so strongly he feared he would become ‘intoxicated’ just by the scent of it.

He could not pick up an ale scent on you however.

You decided to warn him “If you see people fighting, don’t worry. I guess it is the raider’s way of dancing or something.”

A chuckle left him, the raiders were loyal and brave fighters but they were…strange “I will not interfere as long as I see no blood. I thought you would be closer to the crowd ?”

Shrugging your shoulders, you admitted “I don’t feel very comfortable in crowds yet…”

Neither did he “I believe you have helped some of these raiders, you are no stranger to them. I am sure they will wish to strike a conversation with someone who has helped them.”

It sounded like he was encouraging you to socialize with the crowd more “Are you going to spend some time talking to others ?”

Well, he was not a very social person either, at least not to strangers or people he barely knew “I should keep my sight on Percival.”

You tilted your head slightly “Lancelot… where is the boy ?”

The slight confusion turned into a startled one when he looked next to him and saw that the child had vanished from his sight.

You knew but all too well where the child had wandered off to in the time he had spend talking to you and it was a beautiful thing to see how he scanned the place rapidly like a worried parent.

You ended his beginning panic “He went with Gawain.”

His attention snapped to you, seeing that coy cheeky smile on your face “Why am I surrounded by people who are determined to make me lose my sanity ?”

With an obviously feigned pout, you decided to mess with him “Aw, it must be really hard for you.”

The look on his face now…

For a second he wasn’t sure how to react, then his eyes narrowed.

With one step he was right in front of you, standing so close that it would have intimidated any other person.

The more time spend between you, the more confident he could see you grow. Where you had perhaps once been afraid of him, you now dared to make light of him.

It should not have caused the reaction in him that it did “Does my concern for the boy amuse you ?”

Shaking your head, you corrected “Not amuse, but I find it very sweet. It is quite attractive to see someone protect children.”

He was fidgeting terribly with the hilt of the sword resting at his side “Attractive ?”

Once he had told you of the desire he felt for you, but you had not done the same.

He was left to figure this out for himself and feared to feed false hope.

Even though you feared to admit it, you did not take it back that you found him attractive “The best swordsman of the lands who fears only one thing, that something might happen to the child he is caring for. Of course that draws positive attention from others.”

His heart swelled at the compliment “I fear one other thing.”

It was a guess “Damnation ?”

You still stood so close to him, eyes locked on his with a smile that could melt the coldest winter snow, taking another guess “Pym ?”

A smirk played on his lips “I also fear that something might happen to you.”

There were no paladins here, no immediate threats “You don’t have to worry about me.”

Regardless, he had sworn to himself to protect you from harm “I will never forget how I felt when I thought you had been killed. As long as I live, I will look after you, this I promise. I never want to experience such a thing again.”

Now you were the one fidgeting with your sleeves “I…”

Gods, you didn’t really know what to say. Not many people were brave enough to admit such a thing to another.

Unable to express yourself into words, you chose action, him standing so close made it all the more easier to plant a kiss on his cheek.

Your gaze dropped to the grass at your feet right away afterwards.

He could feel the stares of people around who had seen it happen and realized he could not care less if someone disapproved of this.

You spotted Pym again in the crowd and wanted to go to her.

Quietly you spoke and meant it “Enjoy your evening, Ash Man.”

He gave a polite inclination of the head and watched as you went over to Pym.

   The night went on, the atmosphere that hanged between the people was pleasant.

At some point a raider had managed to convince you to dance with him, you were apprehensive but some other raiders cheered you on and well… it was nice to feel a part of the cheery group.

The raider’s hands moved so quick and fluently over you, it was hard to believe he even touched you at all.

He had you twirling around effortlessly, it was much more fun then you had ever thought it would be, the raiders sure knew how to entertain themselves.

After another twirl, your back collided with his chest and a laugh fell from both.

You giggled an apology “Sorry.”

Again he turned you around, the scar near his mouth moved with his broad smile “Don’t worry, lass.”

For the first time in your life, you danced with someone and it was fun.

Something both the Ash Man and the Manblood seemed to notice.

The Manblood nodded in your direction, watching the dancing crowd alongside Lancelot “She looks like she is enjoying herself tonight.”

Was it his imagination or did Arthur sound displeased about that fact ?

He sounded the same, now aware of the possibility that Arthur could indeed be more interested in you than previously thought to be “She does.”

Arthur cleared his throat, trying to sound casual about it “Red Spear’s raiders have a very different way of dancing than I was taught about.”

The Ash Man rolled his tense jaw, grinding his teeth at the sight of the raider putting his hands all over you “They do.”

With crossed arms, Arthur observed the scene “I think he just touched her-”

He did not need to be told, he had seen the raider act imprudent.

  As the dancing continued, the raider became braver. Those light brushes of his hands had landed on places that made your face start to burn.

This time you really felt him put a hand on your hip, it was the light grip that made you consider ending the dance but he did not seem pushy. The raider was getting carried away a little, some ale causing it.

You took his hand off your hip and turned to face him, it halted his movements, proving that he had no ill-intent.

It wasn’t your intention to scold him for it, you just wanted to tell him you preferred to dance differently.

You did not get that chance…

One shove from an overprotective Ash Man against the raider’s chest was enough to send him stumbling backwards.

Lancelot spat out at him “Have you no manners ?!”

The people around you turned to view the impending altercation.

The raider looked so lost for words, and absolutely terrified to be faced with the wrath of the former Weeping Monk “I…”

You ended this before it could escalate “Enough !” stepping between them to apologize to the raider “Everything is alright. Uhm… thank you for dancing with me.”

The raider could barely find his voice “My pleasure.”

With a shallow sideways nod, he gave the raider the chance to leave.

With a somber expression, you watched the raider hastily walk away.

As you were looking away, an empty tankard was thrown at Lancelot by a comrade of the chased away raider.

The Ash Man did not even flinch, he was used to these kind of things.

Without thinking you picked the tankard up and tossed it back at the raider who had been so rude and watched them duck for cover “You stupid lout !”

When your attention returned to the Ash Man and caught how his intense gaze traveled from your face down to your feet, for a moment it distracted from what was happening around you.

Had he ever looked at you like this before ?

The raider who had danced with you gave his comrade a shove and a scolding, telling him to mind his own business.

You turned to the overprotective oaf who could not control his temper “I did not need saving, Lancelot.”

That scolding tone of voice made his anger turn quite quickly “He was touching you improperly.”

A smirk curled at your lips while reminding him “You’re one to talk.”

He could not find a proper excuse.

With a clearly feigned innocent look “If you wanted to dance with me, you could have just asked.”

His mouth opened but closed again, words died in his throat.

A tilt of your head to the dancing crowd, left him even more nervous about the whole situation.

His own tilted down, eyes landing on the grass beneath his feet.

It was irresistible to mess with him a bit “I might have said ‘yes’. "

Those blue orbs lifted to yours with a slight frown.

Might ?

With that you walked away, leaving him to simmer on it.

  ooOooOooooOooO

  About an hour or two later, you had taken place around the fire along with Pym and some raiders. One of the raiders was speaking of her favorite battle, claiming that she had killed two enemies with one arrow across a large field.

During her story you could feel the Ash Man’s eyes on you from across the fire. The intensity of them burned brighter than the flames in front of you. When you dared to raise your eyes to search his, you did not even hear the person next to you speak anymore.

You held his gaze for a moment, then let your own fall to the grass.

The sound of someone else taking a seat next to you, made you look.

Arthur had taken a seat, making himself comfortable “Having fun ?”

You nodded and proceeded to talk with him.

   These past few weeks, Gawain had managed to keep the Ash Man and the Manblood working together, but also out of each other’s hairs when needed.

It all risked to come crumbling down when Lancelot saw Arthur and you sit next to each other amicably at the bonfire.

No matter how much Gawain tried to distract him from it, he could not ignore it.

First the Manblood had caused him so many headaches and now this.

Arthur was not one to listen easily, could be ill-mannered and had quite an ego. He detested him. But he also respected Arthur’s bravery and skill in battle. Arthur was the opposite in character compared to him.

Where he was quiet, the Manblood was loud.

Where he was raised to listen to orders, the Manblood flat out ignored them.

Where he could be insecure, the Manblood was overly confident.

Especially when it came to conversing with others.

And Arthur seemingly had his sights fixed on the one thing he wanted the Manblood to stay away from.

His focus switched between Percival and you often, luckily the boy had fallen asleep against the tree close to him, the loud snoring made it unnecessary to keep his eyes in him constantly.

Gawain saw both Lancelot and the Red Spear look in the direction where you and Arthur were sitting. Gods, he’d never seen two people look so green with jealousy before.

   Arthur was speaking of his father and Nimue again, you had offered him a listening ear ever since you arrived in Gramaire.

Arthur placed his hand on top of the one you had on your knee “I am glad to have someone to listen to me. Someone who doesn’t judge me for all the stupid mistakes I have made.”

He was genuinely grateful, under that scoundrel behavior was a man with a good heart, always willing to learn.

You hated to hear how he clearly blamed himself for these mistakes “Everyone makes mistakes, Arthur. The important part is that we learn from them.”

He squeezed your hand, offering you one of his charming smiles “I hope you liked the flower ? I thought you could use something to make you smile after that ordeal with your mother.”

He had sounded so insecure about it “I loved the peony. I have it in my room, it smells really good. Thank you again, for the flower and for trying to stand up for me.”

He looked happy to hear it and gave your hand a soft squeeze “You’re very welcome.”

Arthur then proceeded to try and figure out what your favorite flower was.

Gawain was placing his bets on the Red Spear being the first to react, and lost when the otherwise reserved Ash Man rose to his feet and marched over to Arthur.

Your attention snapped to Lancelot right away when you saw him quickly approach.

It was what made Arthur look up, he had not noticed the icy glare in the Ash Man’s eyes and greeted calmly but a bit coolly as always “Lancelot. Need anything ?”

Lancelot greeted him in the same tone, still walking “Manblood.”

Without stopping he effortlessly grabbed Arthur by his jerkin and practically dragged him along.

You watched poor Arthur barely keep his footing, saw how Lancelot said something to him and then let go off him.

It could not have been longer than three seconds that the men made eye contact, but it felt much longer. Lancelot walked off into the forest, Arthur sighed and followed him.

You were about to follow them when Gawain stopped you from doing so.

He patted you on the shoulder with a sigh “Stay here, y/n. Don’t give up your spot by the fire for those fools. I shall make sure they do not kill each other.”

The others around the bonfire thought nothing of it, they were used to the arguments between the two by now.

“What the bloody hell is going on ?” You demanded to know.

Gawain brought up a similar excuse he had used the last time the Ash Man had failed to contain his jealousy “Arthur wants to travel to the mill by the fastest route. Lancelot prefers the slower one, fears there are paladin scouts.”

You were not given a chance to tell him that you did not believe this excuse as he went to find them.

  oOOoOOOOooOoOoOOo

 ~“Follow me.”~

 It was all he had said to the Manblood, tone more venomous than a snake’s bite.

The Ash Man was simmering as he strode through the forest aimlessly “What are your intentions with her ?”

Arthur chuckled, not understanding just yet that Lancelot was serious “I beg your pardon ?”

He hated that he had to repeat himself “With y/n. What are your intentions ?”

Now the Manblood could feel the tense atmosphere rising between them and began to diffuse the situation “Lancelot, she’s a friend.”

It was not answering his question, at least not well enough to put his mind at ease “Do you give all your ‘friends’ flowers ?”

Arthur did not want to argue “This is madness, Lancelot. It don’t want to fight with you over this, it’s not worth dying over.”

They disagreed on that, as the Ash Man sharply responded “She is to me.”

The Manblood stared back at him, starting to understand just how deeply the Ash Man cared for you.

Arthur was not the type to dance around an issue “What is this really about ?”

He was not about to explain the true reason and refused to answer.

Arthur sighed, reasoning with him “Y/n ran into her parents. As you might know, they aren’t very nice people. I wanted to cheer her up. Therefore I gave her a flower.”

Dammit…

How had he missed this ? Was he so blinded by jealousy that he had not noticed that you were indeed upset and not just under stress or tired ?

His jaw relaxed, no longer able to look Arthur in the eyes after that “I did not know she had. I…”

Arthur walked over to him “You want to protect her.” stopping only a few steps away “So do I. She has been there for me after I lost Nimue, I owe her for that. Can we agree that we both just want the best for her ?”

He still felt left in the dark regarding Arthur’s intentions with you.

When the Manblood held out his hand for him, Lancelot quirked a brow and denied the offer, tone amused “I am not going to shake your hand.”

Arthur drew his hand back, mouthing a ‘oh, well’.

Still… he felt a pang of guilt over the way he had acted.

It was not simple for Lancelot to admit that he might have been wrong about the Manblood “Arthur, I know we have not been quite…” no, it was not the time to be vague “It is necessary that I apologize for the pain and problems I have caused. I am sorry you lost your love. I hope we can start anew ?”

Arthur said nothing, then he offered his hand out to him again.

This time he did shake Arthur’s hand, albeit a little awkwardly.

Gawain had found and interrupted them before he could speak again “What the bloody hell are you two doing ?” he looked at Lancelot to explain himself right away.

The Manblood however decided to protect him from a scolding “He thought he saw a bear. We went to investigate.”

The Green Knight crossed his arms over his chest, ready to hear whatever excuse these two fools were going to use “A bear ?”

Lancelot looked at Arthur for a blink second, then parroted “A bear.”

Gawain was not impressed, sounding bored “There are no bears in this area.”

Arthur deadpanned “Clearly not.”

The Green Knight stared at the both of them sternly “Head back to the camp, the both of you. We shouldn’t be running off like this. We have to stay together. There are no bears, but wolves are active around these hours.”

Their excuse had been pathetic, still it was an improvement that they were able to come together to fabricate a story to hide the true reason of their latest arguing.

It was progress.

  oOooOOooOooOooOoo

  Considering that Arthur, Lancelot and Gawain had headed off in the forest, you considered it wise to see where Percival was.

After bumping into at least five people to get through the crowd, you found him sleeping on the ground against a tree.

It was late and the boy had fought against his tiredness until he had fallen asleep.

Kneeling down, you gently shook his shoulder “Percival ?”

The boy mumbled something whilst turning to sleep on his other side.

Ruffling his hair, you tried to wake him again “You can’t sleep here all night, let me take you back to your room.”

This time he grumbled and got off of the ground, you held him close at your side, maneuvering the sleepy child through the crowd and back towards the safety of the village’s walls. It took a while to reach the castle and the boy looked like he was sleepwalking. After steering him towards his room, he just plopped down on his bed, too tired to get rid of his jacket. You helped him out of his jacket anyway, it would get uncomfortable to wear while sleeping.

You tucked the boy in, ignoring how even he smelled and looked like he had touched ale.

After a yawn he asked “Can you draw other things, I mean, other than maps ?”

You fluffed up the pillow before placing it behind his head again “It depends, why do you ask ?”

The boy gave the most adorable pleading eyes he could manage “Could you draw a fox for me ?”

It had been a few days since you had drawn something else than maps and you were interested in granting him the request “Why a fox ?”

Percival loved foxes for one reason in particular “Because they can run really fast.”

You clasped your hands together, ready for the new challenge “I’ll do my best and start on it tomorrow.”

When you rose to your feet and placed a kiss on his hair to wish him a good night, the smell of ale on him was undeniable “Who gave you ale ?”

He replied completely truthful “No one did.”

You saw right through him “Because you stole it from somebody.”

Heaven, that boy’s eyes betrayed his mischief all the time “Please, don’t tell Lancelot.”

You struck a deal “I won’t if you don’t do it again.”

The Ash Man had come right on time to hear it “Do what ?”

Speak of the devil…

He was leaning against the doorway, watching the two of you from the shadows

Smelling the ale on the boy from even this distance…

He could not turn his back on the child for a single moment.

Lancelot looked at the both of you expectantly but you kept your mouth shut.

He walked in the room, standing beside you and flicking two of his fingers against Percival’s nose in an upward motion “Rascal.”

The boy grinned up at the Ash Man, glad that he didn’t get a scolding.

Absentmindedly he moved the sheet a little higher on the boy “You will learn your lesson in the morning when your head will hurt from the ale.”

That cheeky grin of the boy started to falter “What ?”

He did not acknowledge the boy’s confused reaction “Good night, Percival.”

Experience was often the best teacher.

While brushing a hand through Percival’s untameable locks, you planted another kiss on him, this time to his forehead “Sweet dreams. I will come and see you tomorrow to see if you will have a headache or not, I’ll help you.”

Percival sank back in his pillow to try and avoid the second kiss from you, quietly mumbling “Good night”.

You blew out the candle next to his bed and headed out the door along with Lancelot.

When you closed the door very quietly, Lancelot send you an amused look “I don’t think hearing a door slam shut will help him fall asleep faster.”

He proceeded to lean against the wall, keeping his voice down “He has been hounding me to ask you for a drawing.”

It was flattering to hear how people liked your drawings “Why didn’t you say ?”

After all the work you did and the burdens your carried, he was amazed that you would still make time to make another person happy “You have work enough as it is.”

It was considerate of him, but you would never refuse to make a child happy “I promised him one. I’ll start on it tomorrow when we are back from the mill.”

Like him, you often overworked yourself if no one was there to stop you from doing so “Take your time. It could be late tomorrow and you need your rest.”

You nodded, already determined to make the drawing even if it meant getting no sleep.

His tone dropped to a a near whispering one, knowing that what he asked could upset you “It was brought to my attention that your parents are in Gramaire. Was that why you were upset today ?”

Right away you crossed your arms over your chest, as if to shield yourself from the memory “My father just ignores me. Mother… she keeps saying these horrible things…” taking a breath “She even insulted Percival once. I couldn’t believe she would do it to another child.”

The fury he felt upon hearing it was indescribable. Even now these monsters did not stop their abuse.

His jaw locked so tightly it nearly hurt “Did they hurt you ?”

You kept your eyes on the floor when shaking your head.

He could still see the tremble of your lip and lifted your chin up with his finger, eyes falling on the tears that were brimming in yours.

You moved your head to the side, the humiliation from almost being slapped by your own mother in front of so many others was awful.

Your voice broke when admitting “She tried to hit me. I stopped her and my father was angry that I held her wrist to do so. I wasn’t even hurting her.”

He would not have been so kind considering the circumstances.

With a motion of your hand, you tried to make light of the situation. Telling him ‘there you have it’ without words.

You were hugging yourself, now that your parents were in Gramaire too, you risked running into them constantly which gave a lot of stress.

It all came out off you, the pain and anger it had brought you, through tears you told him “To her I am soiled by the enemies of our people. The worst part is that even though I know this isn’t true, I can’t help but feel filthy. Like the people believe that I was only kept alive because…because I…”

He let you spill it all out, hoping that getting it off your chest would help.

After taking a deep shaking breath you concluded “Because I must have ‘entertained’ the enemy well. "

A bitter chuckle fell from you, it was so unfair.

A silence dropped between you.

A needed one, a moment of time to calm himself down before he could help you do the same. He could not let his rage win, not when you needed him there with you and not outside searching for those responsible like he wanted to do.

Without invading the walls you were building around yourself, he let his hand hover near your waist “We know the truth. I will not let such lies be spread about you. If I hear of it, I will correct them. I swear it.” he offered a solution to the nightmare that hounded you “I shall see to it that they will leave this city. You have but to ask.”

It was getting hard to speak, surely your voice was giving your sorrow away “That’s not what I want.”

Even though they were horrible, getting them send away from Gramaire could result in them being burned alive, a fate you wished on nobody.

Perhaps there was another way you wanted him to handle the situation, one more sinister, one he was still willing to do if it made you happy again “What do you want ? Speak your wish and I swear I will grant it.”

The smile you tried to give was twisting into a pained one, voice quiet and fragile “Hold me ?”

Not what he expected.

His head tilted to the side a little, processing the request.

You saw it as rejection and dropped your gaze to the ground.

When you did not lift your eyes to his, he took the risk and moved you to him by your waist, not a second later he had you in an embrace.

Like a chain being removed, your locked up emotions broke free. When you started to cry, his fingers slid up in the back of your hair and gently scratched at your scalp.

The sound of someone approaching made him halt.

To your dismay you felt him let go, weakly you pleaded for him not to “Please, don’t…”

He could not believe he ever considered letting go an option when you clearly needed him in that moment.

As if to apologize, he held you tighter, fingers still moving over your scalp.

The sound of footsteps faded away, leaving only the sound of your quiet sniffling.

And soon even that faded, his other hand brushed over your cheek once when he whispered against your temple “We are not responsible for how others choose to see us. You are not soiled and even if you had been, your heart is so much purer than those who find pleasure in the pain of others. Nothing excuses this horrible treatment.”

No one deserved to be shunned for this.

The paladins would visit brothels and then proceed to shun those they visited and walk away unscathed themselves. It was unfair how the women were always the first to receive blame and shame.

After you had calmed down a bit, you felt a bit embarrassed “I’m sorry…”

Again he stroked your cheek “There is no need for an apology. I could go and have a word with your mother tomorrow ?”

Almost emotionless you shrugged your shoulders, pretending that the situation did not affect you as much as it did “Arthur and Gawain have spoken to her. She’ll give up if I ignore her long enough. Then she can go back to ignoring me, like she always did when I was little.”

He doubted it would be so simple.

That reminded you “Speaking of Arthur. What happened back there in the forest, Lancelot ?”

He was unprepared for that question.

He had hoped it would not be brought up “I needed to talk to Arthur in private. We had a disagreement of how we should handle the situation with the mill "

You could tell he wasn’t being completely honest, he never looked you in the eyes when he lied.

It was upsetting and you didn’t want to stay near him because of it “I don’t like it when I’m being lied to.”

When you removed yourself from his arms and stepped away, he quickly said “I apologized to Arthur.”

That couldn’t have been easy “You did ?”

He gave a nod while fumbling with the hilt of his sword “I did. I fear I have misjudged him, Arthur is indeed…honorable.”

It felt like a relief to hear him say it, it meant he was opening up to others “See, don’t be afraid to trust more people, they might just surprise you. I bet you and Pym would get along quite well too.”

The jest slipped out of him “If she is not throwing bowls at me.”

You took a step closer again “She did say she was sorry. She doesn’t usually throw things at her patients and we had a lot of work with you.”

He picked up on the teasing tone you had “Forgive me for taking up so much of your time.”

Your lip tugged in a smile “You are forgiven and I must say, you were one of our favorites. No complaints, polite,…”

That week in the infirmary room had only been bearable because of the hour you spend treating his injuries every day. Every single day he had looked forward to that time.

Hands folded behind his back, the smile on his face matched the joy in his eyes “How could I complain when not one but two healers dedicated their time to me.”

You kept still when he got closer again “When they first brought you here, I was terrified that you wouldn’t make it. I hope you know that I am very happy that your are alright.”

He feigned ignorance but that cocky smirk said it all “Are you ?”

Was he teasing you now ?

Your eyes narrowed slightly, starting to slowly move past him, arm brushing against his “I am. Goodnight, Lancelot.”

Was he imagining things, or had that sounded seductive ?

No…no. He must have been around people smelling of ale too long and now it had affected him too.

He could not find his voice until you were already some steps past and behind him “Shall I walk you to your room ?”

That drop in the volume of his voice didn’t go unnoticed by you, your heart felt like it had taken a jump in your chest, playfully you told him “I think I can find it.”

He tilted his head respectfully “Goodnight, y/n.”

As you left him there alone, all that remained was the warm feeling that grew inside of him with each passing day spend with you.

Taglist:

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[mamasanctuary]

My sweet angel boy likes biting his baby sister.

Oh yeah, its bad. So bad I had to pry open his mouth the other day. It wasn’t always like this though. When Soci was a bit smaller, and just kind of a lump, he absolutely loved her. It felt much easier than when I transitioned with Zoe and him since she disliked him from the start. But Solomon bait and switched me and now I’m trying to figure out ways to solve it.  See how I’m solving it below...⬇

Gentle Reminder: Make time for your last baby when the new one comes.

That reminder is mainly for me. I hate to admit it but my one on one time has been lacking. My girls really like playing together so its easier to participate in their play then it is to do with Solomon. Not that they purposely exclude him, my baby boy just prefer more times in his books and coloring --squiggly lines are his expertise, than playing mermaids with his big sisters. Unless, there’s some WWE style fighting going on. Not that its an excuse, I essentially try interacting with the girls in hopes that Sol will come over and join us but he rarely does.

Queue this morning. I had been cuddling Socorro on the couch when Solomon ran up and started biting at her. Growling too, which was new, but really chomping down on my baby. She immediately started crying so I placed her over my shoulder and told her how sorry I was that her brother was unkind. He looked at me with a frown and the tears quickly came to his eyes. I’m so pathetic but I absolutely melted in that moment and ended up cradling both of my sobbing children in my arms.  Later on in the day when Coco was napping, I decided to give him the attention he needs and we sat to play in his room for a bit. He kept coming over and hugging, almost as if in astonishment that my arms were actually free and I secretly shed a few tears in his little tent while he went on a story hunt.  After Socorro woke up, I had her join us for the last few minutes and introduced more ways to play with her in a safe, fun way. I’m sure it’ll take a few tries to really get it perfected but it was a start. I have to make it a point to make to not only give him time alone but to also get him to play with her more.  aNYwAY soon enough she’ll be bigger enough to bite him back so he’ll learn 🤪

[anime-lover-forever-1127]

History Lesson {Klaus x Caroline}

History Lesson

*****

Disclaimer - (Cause fanfiction is tricky ground and I hope not to offend the creator of the original story and get sued)

I do not own "The Vampire Diaries", it belongs to its original creator Kevin Williamson, Julie Plec, and L. J. Smith. This is only a fanfiction that I was inspired to write by the original work. Please support the official release of "The Vampire Diaries". Most of the media - such as the art and illustrations, gifs, video's, etc. used in this fanfiction - are from the web. Thus, most of them aren't mine (because I really, really can't draw) unless mentioned. To fit the story, images are also edited by various apps and websites. So they aren't mine, just edited.

Also if you own a picture or Video that I found online, and you either want your name added, or me to take it down. Please contact me and we can talk it out. P.s. I also ask that you do not copy my work and publish it onto any other website.

If you're gonna use my idea, please ask me (If you ask nicely, I for sure, will agree). If I don't contact you within a week, then just assume I'm giving you the all clear and go for it. Just remember to credit me and the story you are getting the idea from.

Warnings: Wacked up version of history, Elijah x Katherine, Bonnie x Kol

Info You Might Need To Know: Elijah is teaching at Whitmore,

Word Count: 2K

Requested: By no one

Summary: Klaus helps Caroline with her essay for art history class

*****

Today's Special

History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who were never there.

~ George Santayana

*****

Caroline heard a knock at the door. The baby vampire groaned as she got up to open it. Bonnie had a date tonight with Kol, and Katherine was hitting up some frat party.

For a second Caroline thought that it was Elijah, who was usually the one to hunt the five hundred year old doppelganger down, after he was done grading the papers for the day - or thought that the brunette had spent enough time out that night, and brought her back home.

But Caroline was soon proven wrong when she saw Klaus's smiling face staring at her when she had opened the door.

A childish part of her was tempted to slam the door in the original's face. But thought better of it.

"Hello, love." The hybrid said, sending her a dimpled smile.

Caroline felt her knees grow weak and shook her head.

No!

She couldn't let herself get distracted tonight. This paper was due tomorrow and she hadn't even done a paragraph.

As sympathetic as Elijah may be, she doubted he'd accept, 'Sorry. Your younger brother tried to kidnap me. So I couldn't even start my essay. Mind giving the only person likely to be your sister-in-law in the future, an extension. Pretty please.'

Yeah, she highly doubted that excuse would fly by Elijah. So for her grades sake, Caroline shook her head, "No Klaus. Not today." Caroline told him firmly.

Klaus's smirk died down, "Why not?"

"I have a paper due tomorrow." Caroline told him, still not letting him in.

"What's it about?"

Caroline hummed. Her paper was for her Art History class. Something Klaus would definitely know a lot about.

Fine. Some help never hurted.

Caroline walked towards her bed, finally letting the hybrid into the room. "It's for my Art History class."

The baby vampire was instantly suspicious of the way Klaus's face lit up at the name of the class. She had a strong feeling she knew what he was going to suggest next. "That's Elijah's class. Great. You can just-"

"No." Caroline cut him off firmly. "I want the whole college experience. That includes doing all my assignments."

Klaus crossed his arms, giving Caroline the impression that the thousand year old hybrid was one step away form pouting. "Fine. What's the assignment?" He asked, sitting at the edge of her bed.

"We need to choose three important figures throughout history. Write a little bit about their life, how their life affected them and their decisions. And as a result, what impact those decisions had one today's society." Caroline said, summarizing the assignment Elijah had assigned them.

Klaus threaded his fingers together and leaned forward, truly interested and paying attention to every word that came out of the baby vampire's mouth. "So, who did you choose?"

"Anne Boleyn, Catherine De Medici, and Catherine the Great." Caroline answered. "There were a lot of men. But not nearly as many women. So I wanted to highlight the women." The blond answered.

Klaus nodded, "All wonderful choices love. I personally knew both Catherines."

Caroline raised an eyebrow teasingly, "What. Marie Antoinette wasn't up your ally?"

Klaus smirked, "No need to be jealous, love. You know they don't hold a candle to you, right." Caroline rolled her eyes, trying to play off her fluster.

"Actually. Rebekah knew Anne Boleyn quite well." Klaus informed her.

"She did?" Caroline asked, raising an eyebrow.

Klaus nodded, "Rebekah was a current member of the court when Anne first made her appearance."

"Did they get along?" Caroline asked, getting interested.

"No. Rebekah couldn't stand the girl. Though she was great friends with Jane Seymour. In fact, the only reason Jane even gave birth was because Rebekah contacted a witch she knew to ensure that the woman would get pregnant. She truly grew fond of her, and didn't want her friend to die."

Caroline nodded, "Wait. Was she there when Jane died? If they were such good friends, I can't really imagine her just letting someone she liked die."

Klaus shook his head, "No. In fact, she refused to leave, and I had been tipped off that Mikael was on his way. So I was forced to dagger her, so she wouldn't create a scene."

Caroline shook her head, "I bet she wasn't too happy about that."

"She wasn't. But she got over it fairly quickly." Klaus shrugged. "Actually, believe it or not. Jane's son, Edward, got a serving maid pregnant. When Rebekah woke up, she tracked his line down. I believe it had something to do with a promise Rebekah made to Jane when she was still pregnant. I don't know the details, all I know is that Rebekah kept it."

"Wow. So if the truth that Edward had a child, ever came out. That would have surely affected history." The baby vampire said, amazed. At this point, she had completely forgotten the assignment, and was just listening to Klaus.

Klaus moved so he was sitting next to Caroline, and started the next part. "As for Catherine De Medici, I met her when she was the regent of France, for her son, Charles. She was a patron of the arts. In fact, many of the Medici's were. Because of this, both Elijah and I crossed paths with them many times. In fact, I recall turning three Medici's, Elijah turned one as well I believed. One of which is dead. Last I checked, Henry and Gidion are traveling the world. They make it a habit to visit Florence every decade or so. I'm not sure if Seraphina is, but I believe she is still alive."

"So she was one of the reasons art was so popular and thrived. We already covered that. Elijah made us do an entire class on it." Caroline told him.

Klaus trailed his fingers up and down her arm gently, "Well, my dear brother caught you up in the history. But I'm sure he left out a lot of the gossip and juicy details."

Caroline raised an eyebrow. "Can't exactly blame him. He can't exactly go around quoting her exact words, or her affairs."

Klaus hummed, "Oh her affairs. Don't even get me started on them. I didn't make it a point to keep track of her love life. But even I knew her and Henry's marriage definitely wasn't the best. Henry took mistress openly, and even Catherine didn't try that hard to keep her affairs out of the public's eyes. But if you want the names and exact details, again, I'd call Rebekah."

Caroline nodded, "Well, as interesting as Catherine's love life may be. I'm not so sure how I can exactly use it in my paper."

Klaus rolled his eyes, "Trust me. Use it. After reading the false information in your textbooks and Wikipedia pages. Elijah would be more than happy to read something accurate. Even if it is only gossip."

The blond scrunched up her nose, "Elijah as a gossip person. So I guess teaching can drive even a thousand year old vampire mad."

Klaus laughed, "True. I'm afraid even my dear brother has his limits. Though he's hiding it quite well. His slow and steady descent into madness will surface in only a matter of time." The hybrid joked.

"But if we were on the subject of affairs, Catherine the Great didn't exactly have many. Though she did have one prominent one." Klaus told her.

Caroline raised an eyebrow, "Who?"

"Guess."

Caroline tried to go through the process of elimination. "Rebekah?"

"Catherine lived quite a long life. So no." Klaus chuckled.

Caroline nodded, "True. Finn? No. He only has eyes for sage, and even then I'm pretty sure you had him daggered."

"Correct."

"That leaves Elijah… who I feel like was still hung up on Katherine. So that leaves you and Kol?" Klaus hummed when Caroline guessed Kol. "No way! Kol!"

Klaus laughed, "Unusual. I know. That woman was quite a firecracker, a lot like Bonnie in that regard. Also, it's not a well known fact, even in the supernatural world. But Catherine the Great was actually a witch. Quite a powerful one, who used her power to take over Russia."

"Kol was quite taken with her. I used to flirt with her just to mess with him." Klaus admitted,

"And now he's getting his revenge by hitting on me occasionally." Caroline teased back.

The hybrid watched Caroline with a smirk as her expression soured a bit. "Don't fret love, she couldn't even hold a candle to you."

Somewhere along the lines, Klaus had canceled the dinner reservations he had made in Vegas for them. Instead choosing to continue to spend the night just talking about history with the baby vampire.

*****

The next day, when Elijah began reading the essay Caroline had turned in. He was quite surprised at how much of it was truly accurate to the history he had lived through.

His suspicions were cleared when he turned to the bottom of the last page to see the source cited as Niklaus Mikaelson.

Elijah hummed. On one hand, none of this was in the curriculum. On the other, it was nice to read something that was historically true. The added bonus would have been Klaus was in a particularly good mood today, so no dagger threats were fired.

For that, Elijah decided to write a big red A+ on the top right hand corner of the page.

*****

Alternate Ending:

Mis. Victoria considered herself to be quite a smart vampire. She had survived as one for over a hundred and fifty years. Which was quite something considering most didn't make it past the transitioning stage.

So when she received an essay of complete gibberish about how Edward had a child, Catherine had affairs, and Catherine the Great was a firecracker.

She was tempted to fail the student on the spot.

But the curious vampire decided to see what Mis. Forbes had decided to cite as her source to explain such madness.

The professor's face instantly paled as she read the name Klaus Mikaelson.

In a daze, almost as if she was being compelled, she flipped back to the first page and wrote A+ in bright red ink.

Mis. Victoria considered herself to be a smart vampire. She was not going to spit on the most fearsome man in the supernatural world's face by failing Caroline Forbes.

*****

I couldn't decide what ending to go with, so I figured I'd share both with you guys.

Was this really Klaroline? Kind of…

I just really wanted to write a cute moment of Klaus sharing his knowledge with Caroline. So I tried my best to focus on Klaus and Caroline. But I couldn't resist the urge to rewrite my own version of the history - just with the Mikaelson's in it.

Anyways,

KLAROLINE FOR LIFE!

[intomymindspace]

Just One Day ✰ Ushijima Wakatoshi

Just One Day by BTS

ushijima wakatoshi x gn!reader

Through the Summer and the Fall // Haikyuu!! Songfic Series

a/n: hi everyone, I'm sorry for falling off the map for a bit. I was feeling really just overwhelmed and burnt out, but also disheartened because of my fics not showing up in tags and stuff. oh well. I also started another semester of college... and on the first day, I found out that my ex had cheated on me 🤡 n e ways,,,, this fic is heavily influenced by that. thank you for reading my stuff and sticking with me. I just wanna be loved sometimes, yanno?

Word Count: almost 5k?

Warnings: none, just Oikawa mentioned as being a bad ex bf for unknown reasons. this is also probably unedited, so I am so sorry if there are any mistakes

If I have just one day I'd like to fall asleep with your scent If I have time on a tight schedule I'd like to soak myself in your warm, deep eyes

If Ushijima Wakatoshi could be with you for just one day, he would take you to Tsutsujigaoka Park. He would hope it was near the end of March, so he could take you for a walk while the cherry and plum blossom trees were blooming. Regardless of the season, he would make sure to prepare a blanket and two bentos, and maybe even a sketchbook or two. The two of you would talk, and walk in a comfortable silence as you viewed the nature around. If any food stalls were open, Wakatoshi would make sure to bring extra pocket money to buy you something you wanted. His hand would completely engulf yours if he held it, and as he walked you back to your dorm room, he would even dare to ask permission to kiss you.

Tendou watched his best friend fondly, smiling as he recognized the faraway look in Wakatoshi's eyes. The ace was thinking about you. Tendou saw this look quite often, whenever Wakatoshi needed to calm down during a match, when he needed a break from studying, and even when you visited to coordinate cheers for upcoming matches. The olive-haired boy had never said anything about you, but this was one thing that Tendou was always able to read.

As the cheer captain of Shiratorizawa, it had always been a little tough for you. While coming up with cheers and leading the school to rally during games was easy, being in a relationship with Oikawa Tooru was the unsolvable variable in that equation. Wakatoshi had only wished the best for the both of you, as much as he pined from afar. You were happy, right? Did Oikawa make you happy?

There were many times where he had seen your puffy eyes, your cheeks rubbed raw, your voice not as loud as usual. It was never his business to ask - you were his rival's partner after all (or recent ex-parter, he had later discovered), and he was sure that Oikawa had given you a nasty impression of the ace.

He wondered if he could still have you, even if it was just for one day. Wakatoshi knew better, however. He knew the last thing you wanted was another man in your life. You didn't need someone who always reminded you of the boy who never prioritized you, who never shut down his fangirls and always left you insecure. Wakatoshi always felt guilty, even though he knew it was for no reason. Maybe if he had built up the courage to talk to you during first year homeroom, things would be different.

Even if it was for just one day, Ushijima Wakatoshi could've taken care of you. He could've balanced his priorities, appreciated your support, and crushed your insecurities. He could've been everything Oikawa wasn't. Wakatoshi was not a man of many words, but he knew the ones he could have spoken would have counted for something. He was never a man of empty promises, empty ambitions, and empty dreams. As the buzzer went off, Wakatoshi was brought back to the reality of the current game.

It was a shame, he thought, that Karasuno had beaten Aoba Johsai. He would've liked to put Oikawa in his place one last time.

As he stood back up with the rest of his team, he made his way over to the edge of the court. He breathed in and out, hearing your voice ring loud and clear. Your voice parted the crowd, and his heart couldn't help but flutter.

"Ushijima! Ushijima!"

You were cheering for him after all, right?

He bounced the ball, hitting it against the ground to make sure it felt right. As he heard the referee blow the whistle, he thought about what your face would look like when he served. Would you be ecstatic? Would your eyes widen in shock? Would he scare you, as he does so many others?

As the volleyball slammed into Karasuno's court, the crowd went wild. Wakatoshi glanced into the bleachers, already knowing where you were standing. The look of awe on your face was evident, Wakatoshi thought. He would certainly make the next serve if it meant seeing you smile again - even if it was for just one day.

Your voice when you call my name I want to be sunk with that voice and swim I want to know you more I am an adventurer who explores an unknown forest called "you"

If Ushijima Wakatoshi could be with you for just one day, he would take you to the Sendai Uminomori Aquarium. He would stare at you under the black lights as you admired the jellyfish, floating in their tanks, their tendrils extending and waving to say hello. He’d catch himself in the reflection of the glass, his lips in a rare, soft smile as he’d watch you press your hands gently against the divider. He could imagine the look on your face - would you smile at him the way you used to smile for Oikawa? Would you finally have the sparkle in your eyes that had left? Wakatoshi hated that he would compare himself to the setter... but how could he not?  

Would you enjoy the opposite of Oikawa?

He pondered this as he sat during the graduation ceremony. You were sitting a few rows up with your class, and he was placed next to Tendou, Semi on the opposite side of the red-haired blocker.

The chances of him ever seeing you again were very low. He would be playing with the Japan National under-19 volleyball team until his birthday, and from then he’d be trying out for the division one teams. Wakatoshi wasn’t sure what you would be doing - Tendou had told him that you had mentioned you’d be going to Tohoku University.

Wakatoshi’s biggest regret was never talking to you. He knew he had a multitude of opportunities, whether it be communicating on cheers, or simply just joining in on the conversations you’d have with Tendou and Yamagata. He knew it wasn’t his place, to try to replace the remnants of Oikawa in your heart with himself. But he would make sure that his last day with you wouldn’t be for nothing.

He found himself being dragged into pictures upon pictures - not that he minded, of course. He would make sure to ask for copies to keep as memories. He would need them for the documentary Tendou insisted he’d have. He couldn’t help but look at the smile on your face as you held up peace signs with Goshiki and Shirabu. You had gotten closer to the team during your third year, something Wakatoshi was forever thankful for. Tendou smiled, gently nudging the ace.

“Wakatoshi-kun, won’t you say something?” His olive eyes met Tendou’s crimson ones. Most would take Wakatoshi’s silence as indifference, but Tendou of all people knew better than that.

“Ah, you already have something in mind, don’t you?” Wakatoshi nodded.

“Will you go through with it?”

“Yes. I think I will.”

You had been comforting Goshiki through his tears and sniffles, promising to keep in contact with your precious kouhai. Once again, a rare, small smile curled Wakatoshi’s lips. You were still so caring, even when you’d been treated badly.

“May I speak with you for a moment?” You seemed surprised by Wakatoshi’s inquiry, but nodded nevertheless. Giving Goshiki one last pat on the head, you followed Wakatoshi as he lead you away from his and your teammates.

“What was it that you wanted, Ushijima-san?” Wakatoshi took the time to memorize the way your hair was lightly rustled by the breeze.

“Hold on, wait!” Tendou jogged up to the two of you, camera in hand. “Gotta take a photo of our two favorite captains!”

You leaned into Wakatoshi, your diploma in one hand and a peace sign in the other. Your smile was radiant, and Wakatoshi gingerly wrapped a loose arm around your shoulders. He didn’t even realize Tendou had counted down the seconds until the flash appeared, for he was too focused on looking down at your shining face. His best friend left as quickly as he appeared, shouting promises to send copies later. You turned back around, an expectant look on your face. Wakatoshi’s heart was fluttering in his chest, but his mind felt an odd sense of calm.

“We do not have military style uniforms, but I understand that it is common for boys to give the our second button to the one we cherish most.” He paid attention to every detail he could - the way your breath hitched in your chest, the flush in your cheeks, and your wide eyes. Without much effort, he ripped the second button off his suit jacket and presented it to you.

“Will you please accept it?”

Wakatoshi couldn’t help but wish you all the luck and happiness in the world. Even if it was for just one day, he was glad to see you one last time.

I appreciate a masterpiece, "you" Because your existence is an art Every day I imagine like this all night long Because you are nothing more than just a dream to me

If Ushijima Wakatoshi could be with you for just one day, he’d take you to Universal Hollywood. He was never one for thrill rides, but Wakatoshi wouldn’t mind riding on the Hulk if it meant holding your hand as you screamed for your dear life. He would make sure to treated you to a nice, iced butterbeer and matching Harry Potter gear. Granted, he also wasn’t much of a fan, but he would be more than willing for you. He’d stand with you in the shade as the two of you sipped on the cold drink, the bustling life of Diagonal Alley creating the illusion of escapism. He’d remember to post a picture or two for Instagram, since Tendou always bugged him about starting a public social media.

Did Oikawa ever post photos of the two of you? Wakatoshi wondered if the setter had ever cared to do so. It had been nearly two years since he had gifted the button on his uniform to you - and he often found himself going back into his camera roll to find the photo Tendou took after graduation.

You had accepted it with a blushing face, not knowing what to say. Wakatoshi didn’t need an answer from you. He was more than content with the thought of you. He hoped you were doing well in college.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.” Wakatoshi heard a familiar voice say. The ace turned around to find Iwaizumi, Oikawa’s ace, standing in front of his very eyes.

“Iwaizumi-san, it is good to see you again.”

“Same goes to you, Ushijima-san. What are you doing here?” Ah, Wakatoshi thought, he must be referring to why I’m in this unbearable heat.

“My father is holding a training camp on campus, and invited me to attend before division one tryouts.” Iwaizumi’s eyes widened in surprise.

“You’re Utsui-san’s son?” Wakatoshi nodded.

“What are you here for?”

“I’m majoring sports science, and well, I was kinda hoping to meet your father while studying abroad to see if I could intern with him after graduating.” Wakatoshi nodded politely.

“I am on my way to see him right now. I would not mind introducing you to him, I am sure he would be more than willing to speak with you.” Iwaizumi thanked him profusely, falling in step beside his previous opponent as Wakatoshi began walking again.

"What teams are you hoping to tryout for?" Iwaizumi asked.

"I would like to play for the Schweiden Adlers."

"Ah, I'm sure they'll want you. Any division one team is probably dying for you to choose them."

"Thank you. Are you not pursuing volleyball?" Iwaizumi shook his head.

"Nah. I love the sport, but I think I'd rather train or coach players." Wakatoshi nodded.

"Though, Stupidkawa still is, obviously. He's been in Argentina for a while now." Iwaizumi noticed the slight furrowing in Wakatoshi's eyebrows, his face seeming forever etched into a frown, and he rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.

"Sorry from bringing him up like that." Wakatoshi merely brought his hand up to wave away Iwaizumi's worries.

"What's funny is I actually go to college with his ex - they were at Shiratorizawa with you, right?" Wakatoshi couldn't help the way his eyes widened at Iwaizumi's mention of you.

"I have not spoken to them in a while. How are they?" He asked, keeping his olive eyes in front of him. Iwaizumi only smiled.

"We've actually gotten pretty close. I wound up in a bio lab with them in our first semester, and it turns out they're majoring in nutritional sciences."

"Is that so? How does Oikawa feel about that?" The brunette beside him knew better. After all, the two of you had become close friends. You had told him about Wakatoshi's confession.

"Shittykawa is pouty as always. He knows what he did wrong, though, so he doesn't complain." Iwaizumi looked up at Wakatoshi. "He's actually thinking of trying things again the next time he visits Japan." Wakatoshi tried his best to hide the disdain in his reply. Surely, you wouldn't want to retry being in a relationship with the setter, right?

"I did not think he would have the time." To Wakatoshi's surprise, Iwaizumi barked out a laugh.

"I don't think they'll accept any of his new advances. They've been focused on themselves and getting their degree for the most part." Wakatoshi wanted to ask what the ace meant by 'for the most part,' but his lips remained shut.

"That is good to hear." Iwaizumi smirked.

"I'm sure it is, Ushijima-san. After all, they did keep your button."

Maybe, Wakatoshi thought, just one day was not enough.

If I can be with you just one day If I can hold your hands just one day If I can be with you just one day Just one day If you and I can be together just one day

If Ushijima Wakatoshi could be with you for just one day, he would make sure you had his undivided attention. He was fairly good at time management - knew when to start tasks, and he knew when to stop them. He could easily devote time for you while still being a pro-volleyball player. He would spend the day doing whatever you would want - whether it be going shopping (and holding your bags), taking a hike (he would pack extra snacks just for you), or simply staying in for a day of relaxation (he'd even make you your favorite dish, but Wakatoshi wouldn't be able to guarantee how good it would end up tasting). He'd make sure you felt loved and cared for, returning the same affection and effort that you gave to him.

He had been playing for the Adlers for almost a year now, the newest addition being Kageyama Tobio. Oikawa's disciple, he used to call the black-haired setter. To be honest, he quite liked Kageyama. Wakatoshi was just surprised that the orange-haired crow didn't follow him.

As Wakatoshi took his duffle bag and clothes from his locker, he found himself staring at some of the photographs he had printed out and taped to the inside of his locker. There was one of the Shiratorizawa team, used as a roster in his third year. He looked the just the same, in his opinion. The next one was of him and Tendou at the airport. The redhead had shaved his long locks, but the delighted look in his eyes was still present. Wakatoshi would make sure to call him on Friday, just like they did every week. They were best friends, after all.

The last photo was the one Tendou had snapped the day of graduation. Wakatoshi found himself always looking at it. The smile on your face would ground him before practice, before games. Whenever he closed his eyes, he could still hear your cheers in the stands. He would open his eyes, serve, and think of the same smile he always sought out in the crowd.

Wakatoshi had always wondered how you were doing - he thought about you everyday. He knew he could easily give into Tendou and Hoshiumi's pleas for him to create at least a Facebook page, or ask Iwaizumi for your number. But, it wasn't as simple as that, at least in his mind. You wouldn't want him anyways, would you? Not when Oikawa still seemed like such a big wall, at least in his mind.

He could still remember that day like the back of his left hand. He still remembered the way you smiled as you hugged Goshiki through his tears, and he still remembered the look in your eyes when he asked if you would accept his affections, without a need for them to ever be returned?

Wakatoshi questioned why he limited himself to being with you for just one day. Was he being patient, waiting for a day that would never come? Why was it that he convinced himself that the only way he'd ever see you again was when he dreamed?

"Ushijima-san?" It was Kageyama that pulled him out of his thoughts.

"Yes?" The setter merely frowned, holding his phone out for Wakatoshi to look at the screen.

"TOBIO-KUN!!!" It was a text from Hinata Shouyou. "LOOK WHO I FOUND IN RIO!!!" Below it was a picture of Hinata, his tongue out, the Rio sun setting behind him. Next to him was no one other that Oikawa Tooru, his tongue out as well. Wakatoshi's eyebrows furrowed immensely, his lips frowning.

"TOORU-KUN SAYS HI!!!" The situation alone was already jarring enough. Wakatoshi looked back up at Kageyama, to find the same look on the setter's face. Was Oikawa taunting him? Had Oikawa visited Japan before Rio? Had he bothered you? Wakatoshi had assumed that you still lived in Miyagi - you were almost done with your degree, if he counted the years correctly. What would you do after you graduated? Would you go back to Oikawa? Forgive him for all the things he had done? Or, would you find someone else? Would you move on (or, had you already moved on? Wakatoshi wondered this frequently) and find someone who would give you everything Oikawa couldn't, and everything Wakatoshi could?

He remembered the tears when you had gotten the call during a joint practice. Would he remind you of those painful times?

For just one day, Wakatoshi wished he could take all your troubles away, as old or as new as they were.

You will blame me a little, or a lot maybe I know I couldn't see you more because of my dream Then please give me one day, even one day in dreams is fine All the words I couldn't say, making an excuse that its reality

If Ushijima Wakatoshi could be with you for just one day, he take you to Zuiganji Temple. It was nearly Christmastime, which meant the new year was just around the corner. On the first day of January, he would go with you to pray at the temple. He would stroll with you, hand-in-hand, as you admired the nature that surrounded the temple. The two of you would give offerings to the kami, clap your hands together in prayer, and receive good fortunes. Wakatoshi would make sure to pray for many more New Years with you.

The old Sendai City Gymnasium, now the Kamei Arena Sendai, sent him back to high school. They were even playing the MSBY Black Jackals. He remembered how you cheered for him in the stands, voice loud and smile bright as your pom-poms waved in your hands. He would most certainly imagine you in the crowd - he always did.

As the starting lineups are announced, Wakatoshi finds himself thinking about how the different the members of MSBY Black Jackals are. He would remind himself to go say hello to Sakusa and Hinata after the match. Out of the corner of his eye, Wakatoshi swears that he saw a glimpse of your hair. No, he thinks to himself. You were studying nutrition in college, so why would you be on the court? He didn't know if you'd be in the stands - would you? After all, Semi and Reon did come to watch the match.

He peers over to the opposite side of the court once more. He didn't know that the MSBY Black Jackals had a manager. His eyes must have been messing with him. Imagining you cheering him on had never been a distraction until now. Had he eaten something unusual this morning? Were the chia seeds in his overnight oatmeal expired? Wakatoshi thinks that it couldn't possibly be you. You weren't the person standing in a black and gold jacket on the opposite side of the course - they just had similar hair.

Bokuto Koutarou, as always, makes a scene as he leaps across the court during his introduction. Hinata and Miya Atsumu are yelling and laughing wildly, and the crowd goes crazy. The silver haired wing spiker then runs back to his team, giving them all enthusiastic high fives as he goes down the line. As he arrives at the end, he spins the manager around before picking them up, hugging them affectionately as he lifts and spins them around.

Wakatoshi's eyes widen as he finally sees the manager's face - and its you. It was really you. His breath seems caught in his throat. His chest is tightening like crazy, and he knows the exact reason why. He knows he had never stopped loving you - and now that he was seeing you again for the first time in years, his heart can't handle itself.

"Ushi-kun, are you okay?" It was Hoshiumi who pulled him away from his thoughts this time. The white-haired man was staring up at him with wide, concerned eyes. His eyes followed Wakatoshi's gaze, which lead straight to you.

"Is that the person in the picture that you always stare at in your locker?" Wakatoshi hears Kageyama sputtering, nearly choking on his water.

"Senpai is here?" Kageyama's eyes are wide as he looks across the court as well. Once he spots you, he frowns. "Stupid Hinata. Didn't even think to tell me that they were on the team. Their manager and nutritionist, no less."

Wakatoshi remembers when Kageyama first saw the photo in his locker.

"That's Oikawa-san's ex, right? I forgot they had gone to Shiratorizawa with you." Kageyama was peering into Wakatoshi's locker, forgetting personal space. The wing spiker nodded.

"Yes, they were the captain of the cheerleading squad." Kageyama nodded.

"They actually went to Kitagawa Daiichi Junior High. They always tutored me throughout junior andante high school and always bought me snacks, even after Oikawa-san - " Kageyama cut himself off. "Senpai was always very kind to me."

Wakatoshi nodded at the setter. "Yes, they have always been kind."

"Were you close to them? Ushijima-san?" For a few moments, Wakatoshi simply stared in silence at the photo.

"No, I would not have considered us close." He allowed himself to smile. "But, they are very dear to me."

Wakatoshi would've been more bothered by the Adlers' loss if it weren't for the fact that you were there. Seeing you there, smiling as you congratulated your team was more than enough to keep him at bay. However, he would make sure to beat the Black Jackals next time.

Wakatoshi had approached, almost with caution, as he trailed behind Kageyama and Hoshiumi. What should he say? Did you even want to talk to him? You looked really close to Bokuto and Atsumu (in fact, you seemed close with most of the team in general). Would you remember him? (That was a stupid question, he then decided.)

As he stood awkwardly behind the reunion, he continued to stare at you. You were laughing along with something Meian had said, and judging by Atsumu's face, the captain had made fun of him. His phone kept on buzzing, and he finally checked it only to find that it was the old Shiratorizawa groupchat.

"Look at this idiot" texted Reon, attached with a photo that must have been taken barely a minute ago. It was zoomed in and a bit grainy, but it revealed Wakatoshi staring at you. Yamagata had replied with an emoji of two eyes looking off to the side.

"Wakatoshi-kun" Tendou had texted, "If you don't go up to them right now / I will personally fly all the way to Japan / to kick your ass"

"OMG IS THT SENPAI / TELL THEM I SAID HIII / AND THAT THEY LOOK GORGOUS TODAY" Goshiki spammed, making Wakatoshi sigh. He looked back up, only to make eye contact with you - immediately, his breath felt as if it was lodged in his throat once more. A smile graced your lips, and you began to walk over. Wakatoshi could only stand there as you approached him.

"You were amazing today, Ushijima-san. I'm glad I got to watch you play in person again." You looked just as beautiful (or perhaps, even more than so) as you did all those years ago. Before Wakatoshi could even reply, you began speaking again.

"If you're free sometime this week, before you go back to Tokyo, I would love to catch up with you." You were playing with your fingers (a nervous habit, he had realized while in high school). If it weren't for his complete focus on you, he would've noticed both teams smirking and giggling like schoolgirls at the two of you.

Maybe, Wakatoshi thought, he could finally be with you for just one day.

I want to say at least one word right among them I didn't think it would be easy to forget you Am I selfish if I wish you won't forget me so easily? You're standing in the middle of me

If Ushijima Wakatoshi could be with you for just one day, he would make sure to perfect his vows. He would rehearse them over and over again to Tendou as his best friend (and man) made sure Wakatoshi looked perfect. Wakatoshi would already have memorized everything by heart, but Tendou would insist on him having a copy in his pocket, just in case. He would let you choose whatever decorations and colors you liked, and he would make sure to spare no expense if it meant seeing you smile. Wakatoshi was an Olympian, after all.

What would Oikawa's vows sound like? Would the setter charm you with sweet words and promises of love, like he had once done? He knew Oikawa did not matter anymore - he no longer questioned if you still loved the setter, or if you were still healing from the breakup (even if it was already so many years ago, Wakatoshi just wanted to make sure). He no longer compared himself to Oikawa, but he still wondered what it would be like if Oikawa were in his position.

"Thank you once again for designing and creating our outfits, Azumane-san." The long haired man smiled, placing the finishing touches on Wakatoshi's custom suit.

"It is my pleasure, Ushijima-san." The designer cracked a smile. "After all, you did pay me."

"Are you nervous, Wakatoshi-kun?" Tendou asked. The short-haired man was smiling at Wakatoshi.

"Should I be, Tendou-kun?" Wakatoshi truly did wonder this. Should he be feeling nervous? Because truth told, he wasn't. Wakatoshi couldn't feel a single nervous bone in his body, and Tendou only laughed.

"If you are, I wouldn't blame you. You're getting married, after all." Iwaizumi barged into the room as he fastened the cuff links. 

"Are you ready, Ushijima-san?" He felt Tendou pat his shoulder.

"Yes, I am."

How could Wakatoshi be nervous for a day he had only ever dreamed of?

He stood at the end of the aisle, as patient as ever. It was a medium-sized wedding, as close family and friends from high school and beyond were invited. Tendou stood just off to the side, followed Iwaizumi, Kageyama, Semi, and Bokuto. As the music began to play, Wakatoshi readied himself. For obvious reasons, he hadn't seen what you looked like - and Azumane made sure to keep the design of your outfit "top secret."

He inhaled deeply, paused, and then exhaled. As his olive eyes traced your approaching figure, Wakatoshi found himself just as breathless as he was, all those years ago. You were shining just as bright. Wakatoshi didn't cry - he didn't need to in order to express how he felt at that moment. He was calm and happy. Your hands were cold in his much larger, much warmer ones. Wakatoshi took them both as you stepped up to the platform. Had his eyes always been this soft, this fond? The smile on his face was evident - and he could care less if anyone were to be surprised by a break in his often stoic face.

Wakatoshi never needed to wish for just one day with you. Not anymore, at least. He could take care of you, and be with you for the rest of his days. He realized this as he saw the tears well up in your eyes as he finished his vows. The were no longer any reasons for him to compare himself to Oikawa. Not when you were standing before him, wedding ring slipped around your ring finger. He could prioritize you, praise you, and love you the way he had always wanted to.

"For so long, I had so deeply desired to spend even just one day with you. I am forever grateful that you would choose to spend more than one with me."

If I can be with you just one day If I can hold your hands just one day If I can be with you just one day Just one day If you and I can be together just one day

thank you for reading!! once again... please do like AND reblog if possible. and let me know what you think. I crave validation and attention. I'm so lonely its unreal.

- Crystal

through the summer and the fall masterlist

blog masterlist

my ko-fi (but only if you can and want to!)

[ellsss]

Please don’t reblog this post it’s very personal. Also towards the end it kinda becomes a character analysis lmao sorry

im not doing so great. I’m very sad and lonely recently because:

quarantine is getting to my head.

I feel like I don’t have space to do what I want anymore because everyone in my house is working and I can’t go outside because of this dumb virus.

It angers me because I spend most of my time in my room and on my phone and I just can’t go anywhere anymore and do what I enjoy. It’s just demotivating.

As someone who loves talking to people it’s so hard to find people you can trust and feel comfortable with when not everyone is available and not everyone is trustworthy. It’s really sucky.

Also, I’m really struggling with this fanfic.

It’s my first one and, although I’ve written stories before, I’m new to this whole thing. Additionally, no hate to beta readers because y’all are awesome and my beta reader is great (mad respect @moonlightsanctuary) but I feel like I’ve grown more and more insecure of my writing because I’m receiving help.

It just makes me feel like the only reason why my writing is getting better/receiving compliments is because of someone else. And I feel like I’m an inadequate writer because I got help from someone else.

Another thing is, writers block is killing me. I can’t think of how to write what I want to happen in the next chapter of my fic even though I’ve planned it. I just don’t know how to describe it.

I hate feeling like I’m useless. Additionally:

I’m trying so hard to prepare for university this year but I can’t manage to find the motivation to train for the dance course that I’m doing.

I know part of it is working out and eating healthier but quarantine has made that so hard for me because I feel like I just can’t do it. I feel like I’m forever going to be stuck in this pattern of overeating. I’ve never been as unhealthy as I am now tbh. And I have no idea how I’m going to deal with university financially.

I’ve had a lot going on in my life, especially in regards to the past.

I’ve realised I have a lot of unresolved issues regarding my upbringing and I’ve just been really sad about it.

I’ve also felt like I’m over exaggerating it my pain and that it’s not serious enough. This reminds me, the word “trauma” is honestly one of my emotional triggers because I feel like I don’t have the right to call what I went through “trauma” since I’m not an abuse victim and I don’t have diagnosed mental illnesses, even tho I feel it has affected me psychologically.

It makes me feel incredibly invalidated by my feelings and that I’m overreacting. And because a lot of my past was me hurting people I care about, it also makes me feel really guilty for feeling like an outcast as a child because I hurt people and I’M THE ONE WHO FEELS SHIT THEN AND NOW? Like I feel as though I have no right to feel it.

Any form of abuse being mentioned is also a huge emotional trigger because I feel like I was abusive and I’m always going to be an abuser, especially with how people treat abusers in society. It just makes me feel like I don’t deserve a happy ending and I don’t deserve to move on.

Lastly, this has also been really affecting me recently.

the hate I’ve seen online for Suyin.

Because I relate to her, it kind of hurts. I went through the same thing with my own sister where because of the nelgect, we fought for attention. She was more like Lin, responsible and trying hard to do the right thing. And I was more like Suyin, I acted out to get my parents attention.

It just hurts because I’ve seen so many people say horrible things about her, someone even said she’s the “lowkey villain” and “a sociopath” and it makes me feel like people think that about me. Like, if you don’t like her fair enough, but calling her a sociopath is just inaccurate.

She isn’t an unfeeling person, and she doesn’t lack empathy. Her emotions definitely cloud her judgement for sure, but that doesn’t mean that she’s a sociopath that doesn’t understand anyone’s point of view. I think she does put herself before others a lot and that clouds her judgement as well as her emotions.

Also, so many people fail to see her perspective of things. For example, I completely agree with Lin being the TLOK Zuko, because it makes sense. She’s angsty, brooding, fine as hell, a strong bender, and she has a scar as well as emotional ones due to her upbringing.

However, I’ve seen people saying that Suyin is like Ozai and that’s completely inaccurate. Ozai was someone who felt no remorse for what he did, he also abused Zuko psychologically and physically on purpose, with intentions to hurt his wife as well as Zuko. Ozai was manipulative and power hungry.

Suyin isn’t any of those things. Yes, she definitely did things wrong, such as resisting arrest, joining a Triad Robbery, being friends with criminals in general, and scarring her sister was wrong BUTTTTTT.... unlike Ozai with Zuko, her scarring her sister was also a complete accident.

Right after the scar discourse occurred we see her make this facial expression within the flashback:

Like does this look like someone who WANTED to harm her sister?? No. She immediately felt remorse for what had occurred. Ozai was no where near remorseful and he actually felt like Zuko deserved to be scarred so young.

I do think that Lin would’ve healed so much more if Suyin accepted/took responsibility and didn’t blame Lin, and I think that was wrong. However, it’s an understandable action for a 15 year old already off the rails to deflect blame. That isn’t me excusing her actions, I’m making them more understandable.

Additionally, people constantly overlook the reason why she was acting out in the first place. She was acting out because her mother, THE POLICE OFFICER, wasn’t paying attention to her, hence why she decided to join crime, so her mother would see she needed help.

Children deal with neglect in different ways, some people are like Lin where they do everything to please their parent by doing what they want, or being like them. Others are like Suyin where they act out to show how much they need someone to guide them. I’ve noticed that people only understand one side over the other.

As much as I am a defense attorney for Suyin, I do acknowledge that she continued to deflect blame when Lin came back in “Old Wounds” when she hit at Lin’s insecurities and mentioned her being bitter as well as the old relationship with Tenzin. I completely agree that that was the wrong thing to do, which brings me back to the fact that Suyin lets her emotions cloud her judgement.

I think because Suyin missed her sister and wanted a relationship with her but was met with a hurt/angry reaction (rightfully so) she became defensive and decided to deflect blame. I think Lin had the right to be angry but she needed to let go of the resentment and forgive FOR HER.

Of course, letting go of resentment and forgiving does not mean you have to reconcile and reunite the relationship, but I think Lin wanted her sister in her life too, no matter how much she tried to deny it.

This reminds me, I’ve seen people furious at the decision for their reconciliation because “it promotes reconnecting with toxic family members”. Like...no. The ATLA and TLOK universe has always been about kindness, forgiveness/reconciliation, bravery and honour.

The reason why their reconciliation was put in was to perpetuate those beliefs. I think ATLA especially does a good job at showing the differences between forgiveness and reconciling, but I think that’s what Bryke was going for with Lin and Suyin’s relationship. It wasn’t to say you should reunite with toxic family members. And Suyin isn’t toxic. Her behaviour was, but she as a person isn’t.

Of course if someone is toxic for you, family member or not, cut them out of your life. But this story isn’t promoting to keep them in your life. Especially since, Lin and Suyin’s relationship fell apart due to other factors not just because of Suyin:

1. Absent fathers and

2. A Neglectful mother

Those two things combined can really harm a relationship. Making that a story was mainly to show how upbringing can definitely make history change or repeat itself.

Aang was a flawed father because he didn’t have parental figures and was fixated on having the Air Nation back. And Toph was a flawed mother because her parents wouldn’t stop projecting their fears onto her due to her blindness and gave her a huge lack of freedom. To me, Lin and Suyin’s story ( and Kya and Bumi’s )was to show, there are affects to bad parenting/absent parental figures and history can repeat itself because of being treated that way.

Additionally, this also infuriates me, when people say Suyin got rewarded for her mistakes. I think it’s infuriating to me because I already feel like I don’t deserve a good life, so hearing it from other people about a character I relate to, just hits me in the gut. It just makes me feel like I don’t have the right to try and move on.

People use the example of her going to her grandparents house to say she was rewarded for hurting Lin. I don’t think people realise that, that also sucks for Suyin too. (BTW, saying this sucks for Suyin is not me minimising Lin’s experience. Hurtful experiences aren’t a competition).

Being not only away from her sister, but her mother when she probably still feels remorse (despite being defensive in front of Lin) must have felt awful. I know that her grandparents most likely still took care of her, whereas Lin didn’t really have anyone, but I honestly think it was probably incredibly lonely for both sisters.

In my experience, despite my sister being angry with me, it was very lonely when my sister didn’t talk to me for about 6 months to a year, due to my past actions, which is why i think it must have been lonely for Suyin being away from her sister and mother. Yes it’s a consequence of her actions, but it still hurts. Su’s loneliness is why I think Suyin decided to have such a big family, to make up for the family she thought she lost.

Which brings me to my next point, Suyin wasn’t rewarded by having a big family and making her own city, which is another take I’ve seen. That take really annoys me because her making a life for herself despite the past isn’t a reward. It’s a necessity. Making something of your life and using it to do something good is important no matter what.

When people say that, it’s as if they don’t want people who’ve made mistakes or hurt people to have a good life, and it’s hurtful because everyone who wants to mend their mistakes deserves a good life. Also, let’s not act like Lin didn’t make something of herself too, rising up the ranks and becoming CHIEF OF POLICE is a huge achievement.

The difference is that people want one to suffer because of their mistakes, which seems like revenge to me based on their own projections (hey, I’m projecting onto Suyin bruh we all do it 😂👏🏾). I think people are also forgetting that we’ve ALL once been the villain in someone else’s story and we’ve ALL made mistakes or hurt people at some point. Should everyone who has hurt someone emotionally not have a good life?

People also say she didn’t apologise to Lin. She did. In Old Wounds, she says “I’m sorry I gave you such a hard time when we were younger”. I get that people wouldn’t see that as an apology because she is saying she gave Lin “a hard time” when it was more than that. However, I completely understand why she would use less severe terms.

She’s genuinely sorry, but I think she used those terms because it makes her guilt and shame for what she did so much worse and it makes her feel like a terrible person. In short, she is attempting to clear her conscience as well as show Lin she is sorry. People use that to say she wasn’t genuine. I think she was. She was very excited to hear that Lin was in Zaofu, because she missed her sister, and wanted to reconcile and show her kindness, hence why I think she genuinely was apologising.

I think that her guilt and shame is why she is so overcompensating of others. Shit, I’m like that too😂💀 For example, when she hires that pirate she met on her travels, as a chef and has Varrick over in Zaofu to work with him. She even says “people change”. She says and does those things because she knows how hard she is on herself for being the “villain” in someone’s story even when they truly do want to change their actions and she doesn’t want anyone to feel that (which is why SHES NOT A SOCIOPATH)

Regarding her guilt and shame, this links to her relationship with Kuvira. I’ve seen hate on Suyin because of her assassination attempt on Kuvira, and her being harsher on Kuvira than Bataar Jr. Alright, just to get this out of the way, I disagree with her choosing to try and assainate Kuvira, so the angry reaction to her doing this is justified. Again, this is another moment where Suyin’s emotions cloud her judgement. I do like Suyin but I remember looking at her like “girl you’re wildin’💀😂”.

However, people miss why she was so harsh on Kuvira. Honestly, I think it’s because she saw herself in Kuvira. She says it herself, “I saw myself in her” during Enemy At The Gates. I think that although she took Kuvira in and initially was an attentive mother, she slowly became more distant with Kuvira because of how much she saw herself in her.

Again, it links to the guilt and shame that she feels about her own actions. I think it also links to why she turned down helping the Earth Kingdom when Tenzin and Raiko asked her. In my opinion, her trying to assassinate Kuvira was her trying to be rid of her past self.

She saw her past self in Great Uniter Kuvira because of how forceful she was, and how much she put her cause before other people. She recognised the traits and so wanted to be rid of it; rid of the mirror staring back at 15 year old her.

I think there was also a fear of her gaining too much power and becoming a dictator herself if she took Tenzin’s offer, because she was afraid she was capable of abusing her power. Also, she blamed Kuvira for taking her son away from her, because it was as if she was splitting up the family she created when she was alone, despite travelling and meeting other people.

To close this awfully long post off, (I had no idea I was gonna go awf this much), Toph was the main one who created a distance between her children and refused to take responsibility by essentially deflecting blame onto Lin in Operation Beifong (probably did the same to Suyin at some point), “I forgave you for all your nonsense years ago”. I think that while Suyin was responsible for a lot of negative things within the show, she wasn’t as uncaring and unfeeling as people paint her out to be.

Y’all I know this was one big projection but I had to get all my thoughts out lmaoo😂😂 I guess the hate for Suyin bothered me so much because I see so much of myself in her. Thanks for sticking it out and reading tho sksksk. I just was having a really hard time with all of these things and I needed to vent 😩

[renfri]

2427

HAPPY NEW YEAR MUNCHKIN. i been putting off and thinking about doing this for soooooooooo fking long (AS YOU KNOW) that i think this number is gonna be imprinted on my prefrontal cortex for the rest of my life. what’s funny is i LITERALLY thought abt it again right before going to sleep the other day after schitt’s creek, and then i wake up to them messages on ig 🥺

SO.

hi.

i luv u a lot a lot a lot a lottttttttt. which im sure u know. i don’t even KNOW what to say? just. i luv u a lot. and im sooooooo sosososososo happy to have met you and to know you. like, what are the odds the random girl who you happened to share a sociology major with ended up being so much like u? what are the odds that the random girl who sent me a message abt it would be so much like me? like??????? to think if i wasn’t a soci major we probably would’ve never had that first interaction is so funny fgffkjfjfkfjk ???????////??????? losing my fkin mind 

okay okay ummm. 

i know i tease u a lot abt being a meanie n what not but UR SO FKING NICE. so so nice, i dont even know how you do it. the stuff you tolerate......hnhghjhgkdfhg. not to mention like you guiding me through photoshop, taking the time out of your day to help me find tutorials and then hyping me up n shit, the way you’re so supportive of people, of me, other things u do that i wont mention here (hehe). you’re just so good at making people feel special, making me feel special, and i admire u a lot for it. 

(dw u also meanie im not trying to Take Away from your Personality) <3

you’re also so TALENTED, so smart, so hard-working, so SKILLED. a 70 page thesis on colorism??? a bachelors degree done done done in 3 years??? your DANCE??? the gifs you’ve made with like 4 months practice??? your FICS, fic ideas????? ugh. ur so hot can’t believe we’re friends 😌

speaking of which, i know u know but like, ur so hot, so pretty, so gorgeous. your hairrrr, your smileeee, your teef, you send me random vids/pics of you n im just :0 at your face because wtf. how u do dat. n then ur abs,, thank u 10th grade you for working out one summer <3

ALSO UR SO FUNNY. SO SO FUNNY. U MAKE ME LAUGH A LOT and u make me very happy and and and i feel like im forgetting something major but ughghghgnghgnhggh. i hate u. oh, i just remembered. brain link. we should get studied. not gonna talk bout this here because like. confidential information u kno. huhuhuhuhu

i lub u n ur ‘what u dong’s n ‘where u go’s. n ur HAHAAH n ur ehehe. n ur ‘SAME 2 SAME’. n ur ‘don’t be sorry. be better’. thanks for making me smile but also checking in on me and stuff ur just so great. lub u hope u have the BEST FATTEST FUCKING YEAR n life. muah muah muah muah smooch smooch slurp. 

grateful for u

gib rowdy kisses, and tell neena bestie to fkin CALL ME.

im obsessed w u 😌✨

yours truly,

mr usa

hehehehehehehehehehehe

[divine-mistake]

hi, me again

i decided to read you fracture light again at work today and my oh my! i don’t think i’ve ever made a worse decision in my entire life! you think it’s okay to write something that good?? to make me tear up at work and have to swallow back tears cuz i’m a weak hearted bitch who usually only reads fluff? i’m only like 60% of the way through (saving the rest for tonight when i can cry in safety of my own home) but wow. the imagery. the symbolism. the metaphors. EVERYTHING. just, wow. you are a REALLY talented writer, and i’m not, so i am struggling to put into words just how amazing you are, but you are! really talented! i swear it! and the set up of this fic (is that what it’s called? i mean the way the letters are included, and how the flashbacks are told; it’s so strategic. so interesting. i love it. im dying for it) is so creative and wonderful. i can’t wait to read the rest of your master list after im torn in half by this fic ❤️‍🩹

also on the note of “soft” sciences: fuck no they’re not! science is science, and i have had enough statistics and research courses to last a lifetime. we are badass women in stem and no one can tell me any different. & ur welcome for the info! i will be here ready to flood ur inbox if u ever talk about school or soci again LOL

i'm sorry! totally should have warned you haha fracture is def one of those fics that you need time to read. my best friend @tripleyeeet who does not cry often went absolutely wild at fracture. there were warnings though! i think i tagged it as "heavy angst" 😂

i'm so glad that you like it so far though, it makes me happy. fracture is my favorite fic and the best one i've written yet, and i put a lot of time, effort, and parts of myself into it. thank you so much for loving it! my masterlist definitely does not live up to fracture - i don't think anything can haha - but i hope you find other things you like!! it always just makes me so happy when people love fracture as much as i love it. it really is a big chunk of my heart. my whole heart, really.

also - i appreciate that you don't label it a soft science either haha god the amount of statistics and actual science work we do makes me wonder why anyone thinks it a soft science? idk i have a lot of feelings and shit that revolve around people thinking sociology is a lower class and "less hard" than the other sciences and it kinda bums me out. so glad i know someone who feels the same 💖

[eurynome827]

V-day promts: #12 with Chubby!Bucky please? Or, CW!Bucky (the beefy one), if you prefer! Thank you for doing this doll!! ❤️💞🐧

I combined these two asks from @socie and @randomfandompenguin for #12 with Bucky - thank you both 😍

12.   Your crush giving you advice for the night of Valentine’s Day when they think you already have another date - from this list in conjunction with @the-ss-horniest-book-club Week of Love.

You checked your reflection in the giant mirror in the common room, your eyes flickering to Bucky watching TV in the background. He must have noticed your eyes on him because his gaze drifted over to you and you weren't sure what the look on his face meant. He hadn't been here for long and he was still so guarded, despite your repeated attempts to draw him out of his shell.

"Hey Buck?" You called over softly. "Do you mind giving me a hand with something?"

He rose from the couch without a word of acknowledgement and walked to you. Smiling at him gently, you reached out and held his forearm, looking up at him for permission. "Sorry - I don't want to fall down putting these heels on, and if I sit down I'll wrinkle my dress."

Finally, he smiled - a tiny one but still, a victory. He held his arm out and kept his other at your side to steady you as you slipped on your shoes. Now looking at him from a closer distance, you squeezed his arm before letting him go. "Thanks, pal."

"Big date tonight?" That low voice went straight down your spine and you faltered, struggling to keep your tone light.

"Yep! It IS Valentine's Day."

"You know, you don't really need all of this." He waved his hand at you, looking you up and down - not leering but quite the opposite. Almost...confused.

"What do you mean, Bucky?"

"The makeup, the dress, the shoes."

"It's fun to dress up sometimes," you smiled as he scoffed at the idea. "Why, you don't like it?"

"I like you. How you always look. Whoever you're seeing tonight should feel the same and if they don't, then they're not worth your time."

"You like me, Buck?" You purposely kept your voice soft and light, watching a faint blush creep across his cheeks.

"I mean...you know..." He stumbled over his words and you reached out to hold his forearms again, pulling him a little closer.

"I know. That's why I made a reservation for us at the restaurant downstairs. You don't even have to change," you pulled at the fabric of his red henley. "But if you'd rather order a pizza and stay up here, that's fine too."

Your smile answered his, the smile you'd been waiting to see, the one you'd hoped for - a smile from your Valentine.

Tags: @cchellacat @book-dragon-13 @cametobuyplums @marvelous-meggi @randomfandompenguin @loricameback @marvelandotherfandomimagines @sallycanwait68 @jobean12-blog @jewelofwinter @collinsstanharbour @littledarlinhavefaithinme @marvelgirl7 @sebastiansloserclub @jewels2876 @abovethesmokestacks @beckzorz @hiddles-rose @sebbystanlover-vk @peaceinourtime82 @creideamhgradochas @laurafloradora @southerncross47 @jamesbarnesappreciationclub @courtmr @buckysbrat @goodiebluebox @kcd15 @hellaqueerangelofthelord @iamafadedmoon @curtisbbq

[thosekidswhohuntmonsters]

Laced With Love

Summary: Bucky Barnes doesn’t desire you, he wants you, and those are two different things. To him want is desire laced with love, a feeling that tells him he’ll want you for longer than just a night and the morning after. The only problem is that he has to do something to get you alone with him, but luckily enough for him you’re just as eager to have a one on one.

Word Count: 5,000+

Author’s note: this story is filled with playful banter, longing, soft moments, and of course filthy smut. it’s definitely one for the books.

My AO3   My Masterlist

~if you enjoy this story please reblog/comment! it makes my heart flutter and lets me know I should continue writing for you guys~

Bucky enters the living room to find you sprawled out on the couch like a cat. Natasha had set you up on a blind date last night and to say he’s eager to find out how it went would be an understatement. He leans over the couches’ edge and asks, “How’d it go?”

“Terrible” you answer honestly while turning your head to face him. Bucky uses all most top-notch assassin skills to put on a poker face and hide his relief. For a moment there he’d been scared that Nat had picked a winner.

“He wasn’t the one?”

“He wasn’t even in the top ten...thousand”

“Mhm, sorry to hear about that doll”

“Looks like they don’t make ‘em like they used to Barnes”

Bucky grins at that. He knows for a fact there ain’t no men like him, he’s just been waiting for a chance to show you that.

“Anything I can do to help?” he asks with mock innocence. He’s played out this fantasy a hundred times in his head, and how he can help is a lot more hands on than listening to you vent or offering to buy you your favorite ice cream.

Given the New Guidelines Read the Rest Here

(thank you for taking the time to read what I write, it means so much!)

tagslist for this fic:

@lokislittlewarrior @wxntersoldiers @smallmarvel @redqueen1221 @parker-barnes-af @vintageintrovert @mustbeaweasleyginger @nali67 @imisabelsoto @zenproud @fairlightswiftly @latsyrc85x @igobypoet @michelehansel @whyugottabsorude @hello-to-oblivion @fiftyshadesofrebel @morganhoran1671 @navaeh-potter15 @gabrielabomer @agent-viper @cassandraevans @marvelschriss @team-heichou @dylanlzbb @taeemin @superheroforrent @killjoyybsinner @socie @a-smokeless-flame @hennessy0274-blog @gatorgal94 @awwhhsnapple @xodearling @bucknasty1925 @thickcutfry @fairytaleprincess8314 @ahhhhkeya @thatpeachybandgirl @stony-barnes @princess-yuna @dreamyserenade @vrohirose 

 a line through you name means it won’t allow me to tag you for some reason! maybe check your settings and see whats up:)

[galactichelium]

Don’t reblog. This is very long, so it’s under a cut. This is a similar topic to a post I posted last night, except 1 I’ve now identified the root of the problem and am talking about that, it’s also probably more heavy (but not that venty) bc of that, and 2 I’m on ADHD meds so I’m definitely using WAY more words than I need to.

Basically, talking about my whole gender experience this year, and why I think this happened. I might end up making a shorter version later, ADHD brain on meds just going crazy. Took me literal hours to write, I am so fucking sorry, but obviously this is a topic that’s important to me.

I think. A lot of people need to be way more careful that they aren’t accidentally perpetuating radfem logic, because I swear to god, so much more than you think is being affected by radfem exclusionary rhetoric. I’m sure most if not all of my followers know that radfem exclusionary rhetoric affects a lot/is widespread, but I’m not sure how many know just How Much it actually affects.

What radfems have actually affected is a topic for another day, but for now, I’ll start this with something everyone currently following me should know. Radfems hate men. Not the same way in which most other queer people say they hate men. They hate men like, obsessively. They’ll make it their whole personality. Hating men purely because they’re men, barely if at all acknowledging that this is a societal problem and not a problem with men themselves. (This is not me defending anyone, just an explanation.) This is why a lot of radfems end up becoming TERFs, because they obsessively hate men for being men, and they see transfems as men, because obviously “men” can’t do anything with good intentions /j. So, basically, what I’m saying here is that radfems tend to take it way more extreme than most regular queer people who make jokes like that.

However. I feel like, over time, more and more people have been getting slowly indoctrinated by radfems being like this. It’s been making it harder to tell who is and who isn’t a radfem if I don’t know the person already. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong w hating Men and talking abt that generally, hell, I do that too (however I usually specify cis or cishet men)! But over time I’ve been seeing an increase of people making more and more jokes at the expense of men, more and more people basically making it part of their personality to hate men, and shit like that. Almost, sometimes entirely, never uplifting people with a masc-aligned gender and/or people attracted to men, and just talking about how bad objectively men are for being men. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve heard of and seen people attracted to men, INCLUDING mlm, talk about how “unfortunate” it is for them to be attracted to men. I remember while I was on Twitter a few months ago, I started hearing about how apparently people were being Blatantly Homophobic purely bc, wow, a mlm relationship involves two men, kinda cringe huh :/. And I’ve seen a lot of people with masc-aligned genders feel guilty for having masc-aligned genders, too.

There is absolutely nothing wrong w making general statements like “I hate men” or w/e, but I feel like things like this can become an issue if either you take it so extreme that you basically make it your whole personality and/or you don’t take the effort to also uplift people attracted to men and people with masc-aligned genders. People attracted to men shouldn’t have to feel bad about being attracted to men, and people who have a masc-aligned gender shouldn’t have to feel bad about having a masc-aligned gender. Being masculine isn’t inherently bad, nor is it bad to be attracted to people with masculine genders. It’s more the society of which we grow up in, which is built to benefit men that’s bad. Which I’m sure a lot of you know, but radfems Don’t think along that line of logic.

What a lot of people don’t like to acknowledge about trans men is that while yes, they are men, and CAN benefit from society favouring men, that doesn’t mean that they never experienced the other end of that prior to transitioning. While some trans men do end up being misogynistic despite that, that’s almost entirely because of, again, the society we live in having different, harmful expectations in men and women, and them as a result of that thinking they need to do that to pass better. Because “that’s what men do”. I’m not defending them, merely just explaining why this happens. And this also doesn’t mean that as soon as they transition, they will no longer experience misogyny. It’s not like everyone will start treating them 100% like a man who has a man’s (not to be confused w amab) body as soon as they start to transition. As an example, while I was trying to get on testosterone, it still felt like, even at the gender clinic, they were treating me similarly to how women typically get treated in regards to their own reproductive organs. Acting like I couldn’t possibly know for sure that the thought of having a biological child made me dysphoric and tried to heavily and repeatedly encourage me to preserve my eggs, even though my periods alone already made me very dysphoric. It took me saying no on multiple occasions to get it into their head. (Just an additional note, it’s actually rare when starting hormones will permanently affect your fertility, iirc. Possible, but rare.)

I am not blaming the people of which making these jokes to that extreme, or most of them anyway, because they are probably just not thinking about the potential affect it could have on the people around them and are just doing it because everyone else is doing it. But I do feel like these jokes becoming more extreme/mean-spirited and more people beginning to make jokes like this and making it a part of their personality, has lead to a lot of hurt to people attracted to men and people with masc-aligned genders, particularly those within the LGBTQ+ community. And I don’t think it’s because no one can “take a joke”, I feel like some people are taking it far beyond a harmless joke. Like I literally fucking occasionally make jokes about how (cis/cishet) men suck or some general, small statement like that. Be careful at which to the extreme you’re going at when making these jokes, otherwise you could end up literally being homophobic or make transmascs feel bad for being transmasc?

I personally feel like all of this bullshit has lead to me having a very complicated relationship with masculinity. I haven’t mentioned this up until this point bc I wasn’t sure how to, but it’s like, because of all of this, people see gnc masc-aligned gendered people as the only acceptable kind of masc-aligned gendered people, at least in fandom circles and other such LGBTQ+ oriented areas on Tumblr/Twitter. (Not that gnc masc-aligned people have it easy, I think being gnc obviously comes w its own problems.) I think throughout this year, I have probably struggled with this stuff the most. It was either December last year or January this year where I feel like I started trying to push myself to be. Less masculine. Both in terms of my actual gender and in terms of presentation. Because I felt guilty for being masculine both in terms of gender and my presentation. I wanted to feel included, less like I was inherently bad for being masculine. And I think the most fucked up part is, when I was probably at the worst of it, like August or September (which for anyone who doesn’t remember, correlates with when I briefly left Tumblr to go on Twitter), when I was identifying heavily with being “sapphic” and shit, making sure everyone knew how “sapphic” I was, I *did* feel more included. But I felt less like myself, and I found that incredibly hard to admit. I started identifying as genderflux, basically going off of my dysphoria levels for the day to determine how androgynous I was willing to be perceived that day, and trying to force myself to go as close to androgynous as my dysphoria would let me. Around this time, I remember also trying to make myself feel comfortable in dresses and skirts, because I thought more people would like me if I did that, considering shit like it being assumed I thought I wasn’t allowed to do gnc stuff and not that it’d Make Me Dysphoric and being ignored after clarification, happened. I once even almost ended up uploaded a drawing including Karkat in a dress, before backing out at last minute and making it a romper because something about it felt wrong. (Don’t have issues with otther people drawing Karkat in dresses, I just don’t think I can bc of how much I project onto him.) If it wasn’t for my boyfriend also realizing he felt a similar way to a lesser degree, I don’t know when or if I would’ve accepted this, because I depend a lot on what other people think of me to determine my self-worth, which I know I shouldn’t be doing, but it takes a lot to unlearn.

Now, after having a couple of months to reflect on all of this after realizing this was what was happening, I’m literally almost back to where I was *before* I started feeling obligated to be “less masculine”. Only things different now is that now I have 2 extra sets of pronouns (of which I would consider “secondary” pronouns, if that makes sense?), and I feel more guilty than I did even back then about not being comfortable with the idea of wearing dresses/skirts. Also I now identify as trixic, but I feel like I felt the same way abt girls as I did back then, I just now have a word for it. Aka, slightly gay, but not even comparable to how gay I feel about guys. How I felt about my actual gender, and how I felt about how I wanted to present myself, is to my memory identical to how it was prior. That being, maybe 70 - 80% man, the remaining being a lack of gender, and wanting to present masculinely but in an unmistakably queer way.

As I briefly mentioned, I still feel guilty for being masculine, both in terms of my gender and presentation. Hell, it’s not even like I’m binary trans or Not At All gnc (as I’m okay w little things like painting my nails and wearing eyeliner), yet I STILL feel guilty for not being even LESS masculine. Even at my worst earlier this year, I felt, honestly, a lot of complicated emotions. I felt Less excluded, but that weirdly upset me more, because then I felt more like I was being treated like I was “lite”, because I was still mlm. I kept trying to assert everywhere I was sapphic because I convinced myself that was the case because I thought I had to do that to be worth listening to. Every time I said I was sapphic, it felt like I was lying to myself, but I ignored it. I still felt guilty for being mlm. If it wasn’t for the fact that I projected a lot onto Davekat, being entirely honest, during this time I probably would’ve stopped identifying with being mlm in favour of nblm, because I truly did feel so guilty for it. I was literally closeting myself because I thought more people would like me better if I did.

So, basically, I feel like I could’ve saved myself a lot of gender confusion if either I cared less about what other people thought of me, or if, you know, people were more careful about spreading radfem rhetoric and actually thought about what they were saying. And I feel like I basically walked in one big ass circle because of it.

This is a topic that is obviously important to me, so if you cared enough to read all of that, thank you, really. It means a lot. But again, PLEASE do not reblog.

[highly-opinionated-ramblings]

Kyon walked into the club room after school on a warm Monday afternoon to find Haruhi already there, sitting at the table, staring out the window, apparently lost in thought.

“Hey,” he said, and she jumped at the sound of his voice. “Where is everyone?”

“Oh...they’ll be here. Itsuki has class duty, and Yuki’s in the library returning a book. Mikuru just texted me saying she has an errand to run, but that she’ll be here.”

“Oh. Ok.” Thank god. The last thing he wanted is a whole afternoon spent alone with just Haruhi, especially when she was in this kind of mood.

He sat down across from her, and the two of them waited in silence for a few moments.

“Soooo, what’s on the agenda for today?”

“I dunno.”

“You don’t have any plans at all?”

“Not really...”

“What’s gotten into you? You’re not acting like yourself.”

“It’s nothing! Mind your own business!”

“Alright, jeez! I was just trying to be nice.”

Another few moments passed, during which Haruhi appeared to grow more and more agitated.

“I kissed Mikuru,” she eventually blurted out, apparently unable to contain it any more. “The other night, when I slept over at her place.”

Kyon froze, jaw hanging open. Had he...had he heard that right?

“Well?” Haruhi muttered, blushing furiously, but staring him down nonetheless. “Say something, will you?”

“What...do you want me to say...?”

“I don’t know! Just, something! Anything!”

“Well, tough, because I don’t have anything to say!”

“Oh, come on. We both know that’s not true. I know you like her.”

“Oh. Well. Yeah, I...I do.”

There was an awkward pause. Haruhi put her hands over her face and shook her head. Kyon swallowed hard, past the weird lump forming in his throat.

“W-what...what was it like?”

Haruhi lifted her head and turned to stare at him with a look that was a peculiar mix of confusion, relief, and disgust.

“That’s what you want to talk about? Seriously?”

“Well, not if you’re gonna be like that about it.”

“I swear to god, boys are the worst! The absolute worst! A plague upon socie-”

“Stop, stop!” Kyon interrupted, before she could speak any magic boy-be-gone scheme into existence. “Forget it, forget I asked.”

“Seriously. The worst.”

“I said forget it.”

“...It was...nice. Really warm.”

Kyon’s heart beat a little bit faster, in spite of himself, imagining Haruhi and Mikuru kissing. “Soft?”

“Oh yeah, definitely soft. And she smelled really good. Ugh, this is so embarrassing!”

“Sorry.”

“Making me say all this stuff out loud...I hope you’re happy now, you jerk.”

“Suzumiya...”

“Yeah? What?”

“It’s not just you, you know. I...I kissed Itsuki.”

“What?!”

“Or rather, he kissed me. But, like, I didn’t...stop him...”

“Oh my gooood, Kyon...”

Kyon shrugged irritably, his traitorous heart beating even faster at the memory of Itsuki’s lips on his. Haruhi was right, being a boy was the absolute worst.

“So?”

“So what?”

“So, what was it like?!”

“I don’t know! It was...wet.”

“Wet! Wet!”

“Because it was raining, you perv!”

“What the hell were you two doing?”

“Sharing an umbrella,” Kyon grumbled, face burning. “He forgot his, so I was walking him home.”

“Aw, how chivalrous. I’d have kissed you too.”

“Shut up!”

“You know, I’m actually a little bit jealous. Itsuki’s really handsome, in his own way.”

“I guess?”

“And Mikuru and Yuki are both really pretty. I get jealous of them, sometimes, too.”

Kyon frowned. “Suzumiya, you...you don’t think you’re pretty?”

“Not really. It doesn’t really bother me, though,” she lied, shrugging. Kyon could always tell when she was lying.

“I think you’re pretty,” he said. As long as he was digging his own grave, might as well make sure it was deep enough that he’d never be able to climb back out, right?

Haruhi blinked, surprised. “Oh. Uh...thanks. I think you’re...well, maybe not handsome-”

“Gee, thanks!”

“-but you’re smart! And funny, sometimes. And really reliable. And, if you wanted, I think...I think you’d have a decent shot. With Mikuru.”

“Oh...”

“Or Itsuki, I guess. Whoever you want.”

“It’s not like that...I mean...I just want all five of us to stay the way we are, when we’re together in club! You know what I mean?”

Suddenly there came a loud sound from outside their door, making both of them jump. Haruhi scrambled up and over to the door, Kyon following just behind her.

They threw open the club room door, to find the other members of their club outside in the hallway- Mikuru leaning back against the far wall, her face buried in her hands, Itsuki on the floor, hugging his knees up to his chest, hiding his face, and Yuki standing in the midst of it all, looking vaguely perplexed.

“What on earth is going on out here!”

“Mikuru and Itsuki insisted on letting the two of you finish your conversation,” Yuki explained, “but they got overwhelmed, because you were being too cute.”

“Too cute! Too cute! We’re not- we were not being cute!”

“Yes you were.”

“Not you too, Nagato...”

“Anyway, I share your sentiment, Kyon. I hope we will all always be happy together as a club.”

Itsuki made a strangled sound from the floor, and Mikuru’s shoulders shook, like she was trying to hold back a laugh, or a sob, or both.

Kyon threw his hands up in exasperation. “I hate all of you.”

“No you don’t,” Yuki said simply, walking past him into the club room. “Anyway. What shall we do today?”

[jotunvali02]

I see that many Star Trek focused bloggers started to follow me. Since I’m no Star Trek specialist, just a big fan amongst others and a big Mcspirk shipper too but I wanted to precise two things since I’ve met these two problems regularly on many ST blogs, so if you’re not concerned by it, please disregard this post and don’t take it personally:

I don’t praise or agree with any kind of hater, whether they hate a real person or a fictional character. I just don’t want hate on my dash, let alone gratuitous hate.

In that regard, I will never post or reblog:

Sth that bashes Bill Shatner. I have no clue why so many fans hate him so much and frankly I don’t care at all and don’t want to know about the whys and hows. I bet most are groundless and based on rumors instead of solid evidence. I don’t know the man personally and never will. I only know his acting work and will strictly stick to it. His private life is of no concern of mine and neither should it be of yours. Neither have I the least interest in his personal opinions about this or that. Why does it seem so important to you?

Sth that’s obviously less serious, even not serious at all, just personal since I love the character: I’ll never reblog posts that make Sarek pass as an abusive, neglecting or incompetent father. Some ppl seem to forget Spock also has a mother, (and it’s really not nice for Amanda to be dismissed like that) and that Sarek is a fucking full-blooded Vulcan and so have less clues than Spock about emotions, let alone how to deal with them. Just watch Star Trek Next Generations series. I don’t know if the JJ Abrams movies or ST Discovery are in cause but if they are, lemme tell you they appallingly mischaracterized him! Yes, he and Spock never had an easy relationship, it even was down the gutter the first time we see Sarek in TOS but sorry not sorry Sarek AND Spock were both to blame. Surely Sarek wasn’t the affectionate dad Spock might have needed, but again Sarek is a Vulcan. He never really let Spock decide over his future, but again Vulcans, not just Sarek, aren’t the type to let their children decide over their own future and rather follow the traditions. BUT I remind you Spock never talked about his problems to his parents though BOTH of them would have liked him to do so, he sometimes played hooky for days never giving any sign of life to his parents, I won’t teach you nothing if I tell you Sarek and Amanda must have been worried to death in these moments, BUT I might teach you a thing if I tell you Sarek himself was the one to look for his son when that happened. 

And if you still think Sarek doesn’t care for his son Spock:

You know NO shit at all about Sarek,

Watch the movies Search for Spock and the Voyage Home. Maybe Star Trek Generations too, tho I don’t quite like what they’ve done with Spock. 

And read the ST novels and comics too, they have plenty of Sarek material.

Sarek, just like many traditionalist parents, just followed the customs and habits he has been raised with and did what he thought best for his children, again if you think he despises his children you don’t know the character at ALL, his only wrongdoing was to never question Vulcan ways until very very late. If Spock himself was the first to praise Vulcan ways and traditions as superior, I can’t imagine how other, older, full-blooded, more tradtionalist Vulcans saw their way of life! If Sarek and most of Vulcans thought their customs were the best, why questioning it? Hell, Sarek even started to ask Spock to teach him friendship, for Sha Ka Ree’s sake! He even raised and cared for a Human child! With the initial idea to have Spock welcoming his human, emotional part! Something Sarek perfectly knew he couldn’t help Spock with because again I remind you, Sarek is a full-blooded Vulcan! He brought in a Human child so Spock would feel better about himself and his difference! While he already had a Human wife! While Human race is extremely frowned upon by the purist Vulcan society!

How can one be more caring for their children than him??

He rushed from the other part of the galaxy, telling his Ambassador’s work to fuck off, just to explode at Kirk for abandoning his dying son on an unknown planet (Genesis)! He told Spock he was wrong for disagreeing with his son’s enrollment in Starfleet because that’s Starfleet folks who brought his son back! Just... just watch The Voyage Home’s end!  

I LOVED Sarek in Journey to Babel’s episode and have been loving him ever since!

He and Spock have so much more in common than genes and some of you are woefully clueless about it!

In short, don’t expect me to hate on Shatner or Sarek.

I don’t see the point in hating the first and I LOVE the second.