#society if i didnt have school and i could read and write all day long

[onomatopiya]

i love writing speculative but dear god these short stories lately do not have me beating the litfic allegations ‼️

[theos-writing]

EDS Chess headcanons

me? projecting? yes. i thought it'd be nice to bring a different type of diversity to the fandom and i can really see Chess having eds, so i thought it would be nice to come out with my hcs. slight warning, this is very long

for those who dont know: Ehlers Danlos Syndrom (EDS) is a genetic connective tissue disorder that affects collagen, that is one of the main proteins of the body and is in charge of keeping us together. there are thirteen types of EDS, but overall, the main symptoms are: joint weakness and fragility, stretchy and fragile skin, and chronic pain. people with EDS, if they do any sports, usually have a short career in them, since growth spurts or short periods of time without exercise can make them lose muscle mass easily, and in consequence, not have the compensation for their weak joints and end up feeling pain and dislocate things easily. wanna learn more go to this site (The Ehlers Danlos Society)

this is mainly based on my experiences. eds is different for each person.

Riley never did the stabby thing au

TW: addiction, injury, doctors, medicine and medical exams

Chess had a terrible balance when she was little

she was always falling and getting hurt

so her parents decided to sign her up for gymnastics when she was about four

she was really good at it

the teachers did say she had hypermobility

it wasnt a problem tho, it could even make her a better gymnast if she wanted to keep going!

at the beginning, she got hurt a lot

she twisted her ankles and complained of pain

everyone just brushed it off as growing pains and said that as she got stronger, she would get better

and she did!

for a long time, she had nearly no pain and only dislocated a couple joints

but when she was about twelve, that started getting worse

she was feeling her joints go out of place more often and she was feeling more pain

at this point, she doesnt want to tell anyone

all the pain was just growth pain, they would stop one day

until she started having this weird pain on her shoulder. it wouldnt go away, no matter how long she put ice on it or how she trained. it wasnt stopping.

she was fourteen and on the beginning of freshman year when that happened.

after a while, the pain was just a normal thing for her

it was annoying as hell and she hated it, but she wasnt going to let it stop her gymnastics

so she kept training.

but the pain started spreading. her other shoulder, her elbows and wrists

it was getting hard to write

but she could write on the computer so that didnt affect her studies

she was more concerned about gymnastics

she was amongst the top ranked on the country

even in her worst event, she was still in third place

she couldnt give up now

so she ignored the pain

until she couldnt anymore.

Chess was just practicing when she felt this massive pain shot up her shoulder

she let go of the high bar and fell

the way she landed, half on her feet, half falling down took a turn on her knee

she felt it leave the place where it was supposed to be and she screamed

her knee was nearly on the side of her leg

she panicked, not because of the pain, but because she knew what this meant: her career as a gymnast was over before it had even started

she was fifteen, a sophomore in high school, one of the youngest people recruited for the next olympics

now, all that was over

knowing that hurt more than her knee

Chess needed surgery so they could fix it

and at least four months of rehab to get it to normal use again

but as she thought, no more gymnastics. ever.

she cried for days. if she didnt have gymnastics, what did she have?

then one day, after a really bad pain crisis, she was given vicodin

it felt... good. so she accepted the next time they offered her. and whenever they would ask after, she always had pain.

it wasnt a lie. she had a lot of pain. and with weeks of bed rest, she was developing more and more pain areas. her back, her hips, her ankles, her neck, everything hurt

but she didnt need meds for it. she needed meds so she could fill up that void inside her

she recovered, partially. she still used crutches for months

finally, two months before the end of the year, she was back to walking normally and even doing p.e.

so she decided to try out for the cheer team. it wasnt gymnastics, but it was better than nothing

Kate tried out with her and also quit gymnastics for her

"a best friend wont let you suffer on your own" she said

they both got in, and when they went back to school after the summer, Chess was already fully healed

but she didnt stop with the meds

she would say she knows what happened that year but for her its all a blur her mind blocked out

she dropped Farrah, she knew that, and the younger girl hated her for it

to be honest, Chess also did. she hurt someone, even if not on purpose, she hurt someone. if Farrah landed weird she could've hurt herself as much as Chess did or even die and that would be on Chess.

so for a while she agreed to try to stop

but the pain and the withdrawals were too much

so she went back to it

until the next year. after the sleepover. after what Kate said.

and it was hard. so hard. but she made it through a day, then a week, and a month, and it got a bit easier.

the only thing that got to her was the pain. where the hell was the pain coming from

she refused to take any pain meds for it, she was scared she would slide back. she dealt with that pain for so long, it couldnt be that bad

but it was. she was starting to subluxate and dislocate things almost every week

after another scare with her knee, the school board and her parents decided it would be better if she went off the team

she was distraught again.

but now, what they wanted were answers. they went to doctor after doctor after doctor for months. no one really believed her

she researched and looked for answers on her own until she came across EDS

it sounded... like her. the pain, the dislocations, the short lived life in gymnastics, the skin that would always end up with massive scars, the hypermobility she had since a young age

she talked to her parents about that, and they agreed to take her to a geneticist

she was terrified going to that appointment

she was scared the geneticist would say what everyone else did, tell her its for attention or for the meds

but she listened. she listened while they told Chess' story and their family health history. she did a physical exam and didnt say anything until they were done talking

then she said Chess was right. she did have EDS.

Chess cried when she was told that. she finally had a diagnosis. she wasnt crazy, she wasnt faking it. she had an actual illness

it did mean she would most likely feel pain for the rest of her life, tho

but it also meant she could stop with the E.R. visits and the dirty looks from doctors and the countless blood tests and scans that got them no where

that didnt mean no scans or blood work, but those meant something. those were now to check if she was alright, not to check if she was telling the truth. and it felt so good

she told Kate right when she got home

at first she was scared, but they spent all night reading the articles Chess' doctor had sent to them and watching videos of other people with EDS, and she wasnt scared anymore. not as much anyways

[daisychvins]

｡･ﾟﾟ･ — introduction.

introducing ... violet’s demise ! aka grayson aka her big brother she’s been wiring money to stay away in europe <33333

name: grayson swag money jeon  age: 22 turning 23 (don’t ask me about his sign that’s for liza to figure out someday <3) gender: cis male; he/him hometown: baltimore, maryland sexuality: bisexual & biromantic

listen i was feeling rlly committed to completing his stats but i’m already over it so don’t ask dont tell xx anYWAYS let’s get on to the juicy stuff hehe

i tend to ramble a lot so this intro is gonna be probably a mixture of paragraphs and bullet points and everything in between but let’s start simple. also i rlly wanna emphasize a massive DRUGS TW bc his character largely revolves around his interest in and addiction to drugs

blackmails

grayson is claiming that he's been in a rehab program for the last year and is now completely sober and reformed when he really was just using the money to party and travel throughout europe.

without his parents paying to support him now, he's had to start dealing to make ends meet and keep up appearances. it’s mostly coke, but he dabbles in harder substances depending on what his connections can get him. 

grayson dabbles with calligraphy and was notorious for forging excuse notes and parent signatures all throughout high school and even now sells forgeries for a quick buck. the most notable of these was xavi’s letter of recommendation that helped him get into yale. 

background

grayson is violet’s older brother!!1 yes, that’s right, THE big brother who’s been out of the country getting LIT (and by lit i mean he’s been traveling europe on a series of solo trips w his parents’ money and doin lots of recreational drugs)

i haven’t fully fleshed out the dynamic he has w his parents but just know it’s ,, bad ASDHFJNK basically the jeons treated their children like accessories and expected them to be their little trophies and grayson just was not having that as a kid!!! so he acted out a lot and obviously got himself into a pretty bad scene (thank u goosie) and is basically the bane of his parents existence at this point <3 yet they still try to appease him to keep him under control but that’s for the family task to work out hehehehe

despite hating his parents, he adores both of his siblings. before the drug use started, he was always a big nurturer and would have done anything for either of them......now he wouldn’t be caught dead praising violet but he loves her in secret from afar HSJDFKG

yeah basically he met goose when he was around 15 i think????? and got introduced to drugs around 16 or 17 i wanna say and by the time he graduated high school he was just....a much different person than the soft big brother he used to be. his parents sent him off to europe pretty much as soon as he turned 18 under the guise of going to school internationally, but grayson obviously knew the truth and understood that he was being sent away so he wouldn’t be his parents problem anymore. 

he basically spent the last four years galavanting europe and just....trying to enjoy it???? but it’s hard to enjoy an extended vacation when u have no family or friends on ur side anymore </3 he basically used the money to stay in hostels and worked odd jobs here and there to stay afloat and keep supplied w the...special goods....but yeah lots of drugs, alcohol, sex, and recklessness but he DID learn a couple languages??? or at least enough to get through some pretty basic conversations in most european countries so <3 guess it’s all okay then!!!! 

anyways idk what else to put here that u won’t just find out in the family task so uhhhhhh idk lmk if u need anything else i guess

present/personality

so now grayson is just vibing at yale obviously ummm he actually got super into writing after high school, especially poetry. he used to carry journals full of just random prose about his addiction and his deepest thoughts, as well as probably some lighter stuff about his love escapades or maybe goose idk...basically he used poetry as an outlet and it allowed him to really ground himself and find his place in the world even if it didnt include who he thought it would SO with that being said, grayson got into yale due to a poetry competition he was a part of. he saw some big fancy competition being advertised and on a whim decided to submit some poem about his struggles with addiction and losing his family (a v raw piece that he didn’t expect to ever see the light of day) and he actually ended up winning! it caught yale’s attention and they invited him to apply and, knowing how much it would probably disturb his little sister, grayson very smugly applied and was pretty stoked to see he got in 

because that poem gained such publicity, it was assumed that he was a survivor of addiction and was writing from a sober perspective. he didn’t want to correct anyone, so he just went with it and has basically crafted this story about his massive success and has become an advocate for addiction treatment and rehabilitation. of course, none of the companies that sponsor him or the events that host him as a motivational speaker know that he’s snorting lines in the bathroom beforehand or dealing to half the elites, but that’s between grayson, god, and the blackmailer !

basically grayson showed back up because of violet’s blackmail being exposed. he was off in europe, unable to defend himself, and with a massive vendetta against his family so he decided what better way to reenter society than by publicly outing himself as a martyr <3333 his plan is basically to bash the family name to fulfill whatever angsty coming of age arc he has in store for him to make up for the pain of being sent away .... really angsty yeah </3 rip grayson 

anyways yeah he’s a total fake. he’s been using his status as a martyr to his advantage a lot, the best example being his recruitment into the elites. he guilted them into accepting him by discussing the PR benefits of recruiting a member that struggles with addiction and how supporting addiction treatment and second chances would be such a good look for them. like he basically threatened to publicly expose them for denying him due to his troubled past and accuse them of being exclusionary so they said boop ! ur in. now the elites are proud advocates for second chances <3333

i would describe grayson as fearless, overconfident, infamous due to his condition being exposed recently, a little gloomy, he’s kind of just got this chip on his shoulder and feels like he has something to prove....he’s gotta be better than his parents, gotta stick it to them and to violet and to everyone who doubts him. he’s a grumpy guy with a massive vendetta and a need for some kind of justice. he just doesn’t know what that is yet. despite all of the bad, however, he’s genuinely a pretty good guy. he’s really goofy and a genuine person, pretty friendly with literally everyone until they give him a reason not to be. basically, unless you are a member of the jeon family he probably likes you or is at least cordial to you (unless we plot differently ofc but u know). he’s just a big lovable dummy with some sweet drug connects and a knack for poetry. he also knows calligraphy but that’s beside the point . 

idk if this is enough to describe him but yeah if u have any questions just let me know hehe

this is probably gonna make things hard but considering violet was just exposed i think that he’s pretty new to yale ???? like probably just transferred in/started this spring semester rather than being here for the entire year/a prolonged amount of time so most of our plots will likely have to be newer/center on him first showing up OR we can establish their connections from pre-europe which is also fine w me....idk i didnt rlly think this timeline through so let’s just plot and see what happens aghbfjnd anyways i included some connection ideas to help us all just in case

wanted connections

i’d say he’s the honorary dealer of the elites aghbdfjn so literally anyone who needs a plug could be a potential connection. we can obviously tweak this and customize it to each character <3

maybe someone who met grayson in europe. they could have travelled together for an extended period of time or even just a brief encounter. he was over there for four years, so the possibilities are endless. 

building off the last one, this same connection could work with a romantic interest. maybe they were romantically involved for a time in europe and fell out of touch or maybe grayson/your muse just left in the middle of the night and they never saw each other again until now and maybe there’s some unresolved feelings/one-sided longing or need for closure. it could also be that they just hooked up whenever this person was in the area and that was that, no strings attached. 

maybe someone who genuinely believes that grayson is actually sober and really admires his strength and idk maybe they’re struggling w their own issues and seek advice from him or maybe they just make it harder for him to actually do his thing bc they’re constantly around and it’s not like they can catch him strung out and acting up 

someone in the literature department or with a background in english or writing. someone he could read poetry to, or share his favorite lines with. someone who’s taken the same professors and can tell him who to watch out for or what to expect. idk i just want him to have someone to share his passions with. maybe a little crush is forming? maybe they’re just friends who share a love of fiction? idk i’m open to literally anything 

he’s sort of a motivational speaker now bc he advocates for rehabilitation resources and stuff so like maybe ur muse saw him give a presentation or participate in some kind of seminar and they called bullshit on him after the show bc they were like,,, bro i literally saw u partying w max and avery last weekend what the fuck are u on about and now they could potentially hold that blackmail over his head hehe......

exes plots are always fun we love angst in this house 

fuck it let’s bring another family member BHJFNGKM no but grayson rlly is a nurturing guy and like....definitely develops unhealthy attachments to cope w his loss of family so he’d love all the sibling-like bonds he can get to kinda numb the pain of “””””losing””””” violet 

if none of these interest you i’m literally so down for anything pls just let me know and i’m happy to brainstorm always <333333 

thank u for reading this....smooch . 

[kingneptunesthinninghead]

How much do you weigh? what a weirdly personal question

If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? sitting in the shade reading a book

Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? yes but not in a way that will ever be truly fulfilling

What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? i live in a very rural area so i grew up with hunting for sport extremely normalized but once i actually developed and used my critical thinking skills i realized how morally reprehensible it is. literally just begging these people to use their brains.

Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? eh its pretty fast

Have you ever been someplace tropical? florida lmao

Are you sensitive to caffeine? somewhat. i dont really consume it that much

How do you usually get around? driving myself

Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? no bc i’m generally pretty independent unless i reallyyyy like someone

What do you think about Kim Kardashian? neutral

Can you speak any French? je parle un peu français

Favorite yogurt flavor? i’m lactose intolerant so i recently tried dairy free yogurt and i hated it sooo i guess none

How much money do you have in your wallet right now? i dont have any cash in my wallet rn lol

What bottled water brand do you like? deer park or aquafina

Your favorite way to eat chocolate? brownies

How often do you listen to country music? sometimes.

Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? neither

Last surgery you had? my wisdom teeth surgery

Have you ever played guitar? no but i wish i could

Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? um i dont think so

What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? a little more confidence

Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? maybe

Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? i dont have very many online friends anymore but when i had a bunch i loved talking to them

Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? only for something i really like.

Do you have any stickers on your laptop? a bunch

Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? early in the morning so then i have the rest of the day to myself when i get off

Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? i have a workout app but that’s it.

Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? my mom, sister, and my 2 best friends

If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? probably the women’s suffrage movement or the civil rights movement

Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it?i want to tell him how i feel but i’m afraid i’ll ruin the friendship

What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? wear a tampon i’m sorry but i can’t do it

Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? no

Are you well-known by people in your area? eh somewhat

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? no and i dont want to

What's your favourite type of bird? owls!!

What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? i’m watching loki, hsmtmts, planning to watch s2 of never have i ever, and i started one piece but i haven’t watched in a while

Have you ever dated a smoker? no but that might change😳

Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? no

Have you ever been a member in a band? No.

Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No.

Do you have separate emails for personal and business? i have my school email and personal email

Have you ever missed a flight? no

Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? i think so.

Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? i literally rode in my best friend’s convertible last night lmao

Why did you last need to use a band-aid? i dont remember

What fruit do you eat most often? bananas and clementines

Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? maybe my great uncle?

Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? no but i’ve been in a few on insta and twitter.

Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? i don’t straight up drink milk but i love things made with almond milk.

If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? elsa i want ice powers

When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? sometimes but normally during the day i’m in the living room with my family

If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No.

Do you find piercings attractive? Yep.

Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em.

What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? i’ve looked up a few people’s houses on zillow in my day.

Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? absolutely, you shouldn’t hit anyone

What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? my top 3 are princess and the frog, tangled, and frozen 2. i also love the little mermaid

Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. idrk

“Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? it depends on what it is. it should also be mixed with some loving or praise talk imo

What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? i LOVE italian food specifically fettuccine alfredo and i also love asian food such as general tso’s, sweet and sour chicken, lo mein, shrimp fried rice, LUMPIA 🤤

How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? i’ve always liked my hair color and thickness. i always go back and forth between growing it out long and cutting it short bc i can never choose which i like more also it has lots of red undertones so i’m thinking about dyeing it a deep red

How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? hypothetically it would be a red flag to me. a clear sign they haven’t moved on from the past

Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? a good smelling cologne on a man will quite literally make me bust a nut.

Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? i’d want them to unless it didnt fit or something

What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? i’m very close with my family so i’ve always loved the idea of having one of my own with my future spouse

Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? i definitely have ideas for my wedding and i would want it to go a certain way according to our plan but in the end if things go wrong or plans change it wouldn’t matter as long as i’m marrying the loml.

Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? i wouldn’t consider it cheating if he was just watching but i would be angry that he hid it from me

How old is too old for trick-or-treating? i dont think it matters unless ur posing a danger to little children

Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? depends but mostly under

Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? i have nsync and harry styles shirts but thats it

Fries or onion rings? Fries.

True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. all the time but most of the time i forget them right after i wake up

Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? depends

Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah.

What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? i think raccoons are adorable but its kindaaaa hard to domesticate them

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? no bc my parents let me drink in the house and i’ve told them abt every time i’ve drank at college

How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? i would absolutely piss and shit on myself.

Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? no

The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? i would stop it even if i want to bc i don’t want them to regret anything and i wouldn’t want them to kiss me if they don’t like me bc it would hurt too much.

What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? i would love them all but something abt a guy taking the time to write a poem for me makes me melt

Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? no.

Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? halloween

What was the first website you had an email account on? gmail

Have you ever written a fanfic? YES AHSHDH.

Tattoos or piercings? tats for sure.

What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? the scene where alexei breaks the inmate’s wrist in black widow is SO GROSS i cringe every time

Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? definitely a little cozy one

Do you have a tutor for anything? No.

Who’s the best kisser you know? i’ve only kissed one person.

Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way.

(If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? no and i hope they dont

Do you have a deep voice? not really

Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? no thats dumb

Is there a Sonic where you live? yes i’m a whore for sonic

What do you like on your pizza? pepperoni or sausage

[claimingtheflame]

Lincoln Trail Mental Health Facility Part 1

Once again I want to reiterate that a lot of these posts are diaries I wrote never finished. Some of them jump around in my life. The story is about something that took place several years after D left

I remember the moment I turned in the paper. It was nothing. The last question asked my thoughts on the final death of Juliet. I sympathize. To this day I do. Many people probably do. She ended her life because she was in the grip of a mythic tragedy. Who could walk away from such a fate?

Except. Even though this is exactly how I felt, my teenage brain did not yet have the skills to articulate this. I ended up writing something like "I feel what juliet did was right. The world is ugly and filthy and who wants to live in it without someone you love." Because I was an edgy goth kid.

This would send me into the clutches of my own sort of tragedy. A brutal, destructive storm began churning that friday that would completely knock me out of my stupid unlaced combat boots on monday.

It happened like this. I walked into first period, Biology. I sat next to Adam, my closest friend. A knock came shortly after the period started and it turned out to be a senior girl who wanted me to be escorted to Mrs Mudds office. I did not know who that was. It turned out she was a counselor. She had coppery hair and a long, perky, somewhat simian face.

In this story, there is a long list of incompetant people who should not have had their jobs, and possibly should have been in prison. Mrs Mudd is not one of them. As much as I dislike her to this day. Maybe she did really mean well. Maybe she was just swept away by the drama of the whole situation. This is Elizabethtown KY after all.

We talked for a few hours. Looking back, I really don't think I said anything to her that should have been construed that I was depressed or suicidal. We talked about a secret place I visited in the woods behind my neighborhood. We talked about various religious beliefs and about music I listened to. Either way, my mom picked me up from school and I was somewhat excited for the break-in monotony.

We have drove to Lincoln Trail Behavioral Health Center , and I really didn't know what was happening. I had friends who had gone, but I didn't really believe that's why we were there until I saw the look on my mom's face as we walked in. There was a serious feeling of betrayal then. Like God woman haven't you put me through enough. This was an unfair thought. My mother is the second person blameless in the story. I would find out later that basically everybody from my school was telling her I was planning on killing myself quite literally. Mrs. Mudd had apparently told them that the place in the woods was my planned spot to die. I had self-harmed in the past. It was all pleasure related though and I thought it had nothing to do with my mental health. Either way it had been months prior to this, but it added to the Snowball Effect.

I'll admit that I didn't really understand my own mental health at this age. I had just been released from D's clutches only a few precious years earlier. I had no clue what was going on. I was going through a suspended childhood in many ways. All that said, Lincoln Trail Behavioral Health System did not help or address any my mental health issues. Let me reiterate. Aside from some experimental self harm 6 months prior(I received counseling, was evauted, etc), at age 15 I was pretty well behaved. I rarely got in trouble. I certainly never acted disturbed. Lincoln helped nobody who actually went there. In fact I barely escaped with my life and sanity. This is not a dramatic statement. This was a terrible place, as you will learn.

I was obviously scared the moment I walked into this place, all the stories I heard. We were buzzed through a security door after a few accusatory last looks at my mother when I went in quietly. I heard if you resisted or yelled that they gave you a shot in your ass of some kind of sedative. I did not want to give anybody the satisfaction roughing up the goth kid and shooting them in the ass. This was a short-lived Triumph. I would learn quickly that this place was not for me and that there was some horrible mistake pretty early on . I was led to a room and told to take off my clothes down to my underwear. I was told to turn around in front of this guy, who nodded with approval after watching and told me to put back on my clothes. I was wearing really baggy SpongeBob boxers. I guess I could have gotten away with hiding something into the facility. That's the thing. I wasn't a f****** delinquent. Not yet or not anymore depending on how you look at the chronology of things I did as a teenager. Anyway I do remember a kind moment here. The guard escorted me down a hallway and a girl smiled at me brightly. "It's really not that bad here." She said. I smiled and shrugged. This was more of a kind gesture than I realized, I would find this out later.

I was then led to the office of the first real fuckup in this story. This would be my counselor. I don't remember her name. She was somewhat nice to begin with. I'll call her mrs. Wannabe because later she would read a bunch of poems about her Native American ancestry. This extremely blond, blue-eyed woman with a square German face and freckles. Me and Wannabe would talk for about 30 minutes and she would send me on to my actual psychiatrist. I do remember this man's name. I will never forget it. His name was dr. Kodali. We can call him King fuckup. Fuckup prime.

He was a small man, with a small mustache, and skin the color between a beet and a russet potato. He spoke in broken English. He asked me why I thought I was there. I told him about the paper I wrote. He smiled and said " yes we all say things we don't mean. " he asked me if I follow the rules at home. I said yes as long as they are within reason. He laughed at me and said " my own daughter thinks several of my rules are not within reason. Children come to learn to obey. " we did not talk about depression, and this statement would turn out to be significant in many ways. It would come to outline the failure of this institution to children who actually suffered depression. Which I will admit that back then I might have been suffering from. Certainly anxiety. But who doesnt, to some degree?

Let us frame our Shit Pit King with what I didnt know about him before I explain my own experiences. He received kickbacks for pushing certain medicines. This is an important detail. He had been accused on several occasions of over-prescribing meds. He was widely hated as a doctor, and I can't believe he still has a job.

During my first visit, he was mostly dismissive. Interrupted me and laughed at me often. He was mostly interested in my behavior. If I acted up. If I respected authority. Literally nothing about suicide was discussed. So why did this guy prescribe meds at the end of our conversation? He picked up the phone, called my mother, and gave her the dosage information. I narrowly escaped this medicine, whatever it was, due to a surprising hero figure in the story who we will discuss later.

He dismissed me and I was sent to "group" for the first time. This is nothing like "support groups" you see in Lifetime movies. It was a huge room, an obnoxious amount of desk chairs crammed in a circle. Boys on one side. Girls on the other.

I immediately dislike this. It feels tense, and I feel scrutinized. I try to ask a girl near me if I can use one of her pencils. She folds her arms and rolls her eyes. " I can't talk to him." She says to the ceiling. This gets the attention of the counselor of the group, who is actually just an early 20-somethings aide of some kind, there are a few of these. This one I call Nick neckbeard. He says " we are here to work on our problems, not to date. " I am immediately embarrassed. I definitely wasn't trying to date anybody. I let it go but it does set the tone.

Since I am the new kid, a round of introductions is done. Not a lot of these people are notable other than the fact that a lot of them are in here for drugs. Some are in here as an in-between stage between Juvenile Detention and Society. I get the distinct feeling that most of the boys are here for drugs and violent crime. I reflect bitterly that I am in here for writing a stupid paper.

There are several thug wannabe types, maybe two or three other white guys that aren't like that. One obvious skinhead as well. It's split in half racially. Five white Boys & 5 black. There was a round of introductions. Most were there for, as mentioned, substance abuse and violent behavior. The skinhead boasted of being in because he stuck foreign objects in his body. He stabbed himself with pens and various utensils. Another boy was in for desecrating graves. The girls were almost exclusively substance abuse. There was one Arab girl that was in there, and though she talked much I never quite understood why except that I knew she definitely needed to be in there. She either talked incessantly of sex or repeatedly told this story about a "bad doll" that lived in her house- all in broken english.

So this was the introduction to the place. Honestly yes, I would have problems with the other patients. That's really out of the scope of the story though. They are mental patients. What do you expect?

The true problem with Lincoln trail was its staff and overall structure. Such a problem was this structure that it would break me down to that kernel of a child you see on all the other stories on this blog. Such that Lincoln trail would reduce me again to that boy child whispering a question to the darkness: "Why am I being punished?" It would make me know, through recognition and reinforcement of abusive themes I was already familiar with, that I was not in a safe place.

The first night I felt this first blow through humiliation and guilt. It was a simple thing really. We were sent to bed. A corridor with a small basket on the outside of each door. A female counselor was pointing each of us down the hall to our rooms. When my time came, she pointed vaguely down the hall to the right side. I tried to ask for clarification and she shouted "Right there!" And my immediate reaction to being chastised like this was to go to one of the rooms with my belongings. She did not stop me.

I noticed one of the wooden bed frames(they were double rooms with single bathrooms) had no mattress. My roommate was a boy my age. He had close-buzzed haircut. He seemed politely surprised. I shrugged and got in the shower. When I turned the water off, I heard yelling on the other side of the door.

The boy was yelling angrily that he did not know who I was and that he had nothing to do with me. He was explaining that I came into his room unbidden and to no fault of his own. I dressed quickly and came out of the bathroom as soon as possible. A middle-aged blond woman grabs me by the arm and began leading me out of the room. When I asked her where we were going she did not say anything but tightened her grip and sat me down in a chair. This woman becomes important later. Five minutes later Dr kodali came into the office with my other counselor, both looking at me sternly.

I apologize for not knowing the exact words of the conversation. Basically the boy was supposed to have his room to his self. He was gay and had been known to have had sexual contact with other patients. They grilled me hard about whether or not I was gay and deciding whether I should be disciplined. Dr kodali somehow remembers that that my girlfriend had given testimony(positively) over my mental health and he seemed to leave it at that. The blonde lady didnt seem convinced.

When she led me back to my(actual) room, she took the liberty of going through my clothes and belongings. She confiscated basically all of my clothing, saying that it would distract patients(black jeans and tees...none of my flashier stuff). She confiscated my copy of Cannery Row, all my homework, and my shampoo. She really let off on me while doing this. Talking about how sneaky I was and if I was planning anything with Chester(the gay guy) that she would know.

This was Day 1. I would kneel beside the bed that night and pray(I just prayed to 'the goddess' back then), just to feel peace inside. I was so put-upon about the stupid clothes. They were my armor, in a way.

The next day would be a lot worse. I'd learn a lot.

[alas-pancakes]

school

mostly good day today but when will teachers learn that confiscating whatever I’m doing in class will not help me focus. first of all, I’m very well aware that I should be giving undivided attention to whatever we’re doing but it does not work like that. I am physically incapable of giving undivided attention to something that is not my hyperfixation or a book. even during class debates, I’m usually doing my own thing and speaking when I have something to say. I just can’t, class is boring, to be honest. I am not interested in going through the same thing over and over and I’d rather you give us free study time and let us approach you when we have questions. after all, it’s exam season and we are not learning new content. often, I write in class to prevent myself from completely zoning out or falling asleep (which is why ever empty space in my primary school exam papers are usually cramped with pencil marks), you may not see it as such but I am listening and absorbing!! I’m sorry that in this society fidgets are just seen as toys and get confiscated and so yes, I can spare a few sheets of paper over expensive fidgets but still!! secondly, confiscating my things sends me spiraling into a panic attack, not fun at all. you may think little of your actions but I cannot stand the idea that somebody I don’t trust has their hands on my things, especially my writing. that piece of writing might not be that important, it may not contain anything that can be used against me but it scares me that you have it. I have trust issues with adults due to my parents and several incidents that have occurred over the years. after confiscating my work, I will sit where I am and I will not pay attention because I’m panicking and I don’t know what to do but if I overreact you’re going to realize that the work means something to me and email photos of it to my parents or something and years of masking tells me that hiding how I feel is the best way to survive. 

not very long ago, I had a teacher confiscate something even though I was doing my usual method of switching back to the classwork when I need to copy something but she went and confiscated it and I was scared, I was shocked and she continued the lesson. I was staring blankly at the worksheet in front of me, crying silently and stimming very hard because I was panicking that much and after class ended, I ran. I ran to where nobody could find me because I wanted her to just burn the writing or something I could easily recreate but I didn’t want her reading it! I didnt want her holding on to it and I didnt want her talking to me about it. I had a meltdown in school which is bad but since I’m usually nonverbal when I burnout/meltdown it did not attract that much attention. 

I think that teachers need to realize that confiscation will not help me focus but rather send me into a state of utter distress and it’s sick that I can’t even trust adults anymore, even though they’re supposed to be the people I go to when I need help. 

today is the last academic day in the school year and I got the “I’ve given up on you” face from a teacher and I wish they understood that I’m not misbehaving intentionally, I’m paying attention, just in a way different from your own. the classroom is noisy, stressful and humid and I’m doing my best to cope, I really am and this is just how I do it. I already try so hard to mask because school really can be a cruel place and it’s better that I have friends than come off as a freak. 

so, to my teachers: I’m sorry that I gave you the wrong impression but please, see me. I’m frustrated and tired and I just want you to understand that I’m doing my best.

[storyofmyownlife]

End of The Decade

I started this about 9 years ago for a very simple reason-I was hooked on the tv show called Akward. Jenna, the main protagonist of the show, likes to write blogs about her life as a way to cope and express how she feels. Awe inspired, I decided to create my own anonymous blog with the hopes that cathartic venting and documenting the past can help me navigate the present. For the last couple if years, l had been given many opportunities to taste the bittersweet feelings of life. Truth to be told, I have never thought I would be here writing this blog to end the decade. The earlier entries can attest to this. Ten years a go my life was in shambles. I had a broken family, broken English, and the broken will to live.

My father, two siblings and I arrived in Canada on April of 2009 to finally live with my mom. With little regards of the past, I cherished the brand new start to live a life without prejudice. I felt very little emotion when I left the Philippines because I knew deep down I could finally escape the invalidation of others of how I suppose to love. Of course, then, I was naive to think that I wouldn't felt that way ever again- I was completely wrong. It did not take long before everything start to turn sour. Us siblings did not get a long. We did not group together and we did not know how to live with one another. My mom and dad started to fight a lot. Almost every night. My dad started drinking a lot for many reasons that I know now and understood, but not completely forgiven. He misses his old life back in his home country- the life of the party and his other family. My mom push him to work and help with bills. Just like my sister and my brother and I, My mom and dad did live apart for many years. The feeling of living with my whole family was foreign to me. A month after arrival, the incident happened. The police came and for many months the social worker came and visit us. The resentment between us siblings began to build up. For many months, my brother and I blamed my sister for telling the truth. Knowing what I knew now she did the right thing. Nevertheless, my brother and I alienated her.

I also had broken English. I did not make a lot of friends in Grade 8. I was that loner kid who would spend every day during lunch alone and would walk on the school ground by himself. My sister and my brother got their own friends. I wanted to make my own but couldnt. On the bright side, my brother became friends with the guy name Denver. He is one of the only few people in our lives who never left for the past decade. He is still with us.

I started high school. I made more friends who are Filipino. We all kind of form this group. Denver is also part of it. Within that inner group, we had more inner clique called cajibo. I'm not going to disclose who they are because I no longer associate myself with them and it does not matter. There were also four girls who called themselves kimfejeny and they became part of the inner group. Regardless of what happened in the end, they taught me a lot of things about life. For the first time, they made me feel what is like to find a family in a group of random strangers. I must admit they helped us work throughout with some of the traumas. We had crazy dreams together, we spent so many adventures together, and they taught me the life is not as simple as black and white. It all ended because I cared too much and told the truth when it was not my place to do so. Inspite of if all, there were some silver linings to it.

I worked hard to improve my english and move in advance english. My ESL teacher helped me a lot. I improved my academic performance in no time. I also began to developed new relationships. My brother and I became more close to Daniel, Alen, Kith, and Alden. I also began to listen to Taylor Swift's music. She did help me cope with unreciprocated love, broken hearts, and the unpredictability of life. I swear I had crush on couple of people at my high school. I'm just gonna name them here for memories sake- adam, alden, aiah, and andrew.

As time went by, I started thinking about my future. After taking few courses, I knew that I have a passion for literature and history. During my junior and senior years, I took classes in philosophy, history, and law. I was no good in math. Science was okay. I actually got the biology award college level and made it to the honor roll in grade 11 and 12.

In my senior year, this girl name Chelsea asked me out to go to the prom with her. I tagged a long with her friends. They were also friends kimfejeny and some members of cajibo. It was an okay time. I didnt really have an ecstatic time. Suffice to say, I got to go so it was a check for one of my bucket list. Since I'm on the subject, I also went to Red tour concert instead of going to my own school prom. Ed Sheeran performed with Taylor swift! They were both great. Another item checked off!

On my last year, I was also determined to move out. My mom was very supportive of it. We started to look for school. I got in to all of the ones that I applied to. I was torn between u of t and Mac. To be honest, I would not have considered or let alone knew about mcmaster if it wasn't for Andrew. I visited both schools. I thought that u of t provide more classes and opportunities for what I wanted to do. But, I wanted to have an experience like those in movies. Also, deep down I wanted to run away in hope that I could find myself and be. I decided to go to mac

My brother and I graduated. I said goodbye to my favorite high school teach who gave my brother and I a gift. But she did not need to because she has already given me so much and more. The summer was filled with excitement and anticipation. I held a get together before I leave for college. I said goodbye to my friends and left a note for my brother to read. There were crying involve because I felt that I did not deserve them at all. They were so good to me and I was not in return. That summer was bittersweet.

I started my university experience. I would not go in a lot of details because I pretty much documented my first year here well enough. Grace, Shane, nicole and devone made a difference in life, especially Grace. She saved me from myself.

In second year, it was interesting because it started off as bad. I was seeing this guy and wanted to be with him but couldnt. I also was very insecure about myself and my sexuality. Everyone went on dates, make out with someone at the party, etc. I risked my life a couple of times in pursuit of getting the same experience. With the help of my friend and after going to group support, I got through it all. I started joining clubs: board games society, humanities,etc.

Devon came back. Turns out he is bi. I've always liked and wanted him. I had wanted his approval but It was an impossible task. He was drunk and toxic. He liked one of my roommate to who kind of like him too, but did know it was right. She was also the only person who knew about my feelings towards him. Suffice to say my relationship with Devon was severed after the end of that year. Shane was also a drunk and feel like he would not approve of my sexuality so I cut my relationship with him slowly.

I also started dating someone name T. It was an okay relationship. He was a really good guy but I don't think we were meant for each other. I loved how he held me, but I knew I was not the one for him. I was not a good boyfriend to him. I think I tried to look for things in him that I want from my partner. Older, and hopefully wiser, know now that it was wrong. I ended it.

I had great times with my friends and old roommates. Spontaneous drives, adventures, and they gave me opportunities to experience things I never experienced before. Like going to demetris, hiking to trails and falls, random trips to McDonalds etc. Alicia also became my support on my last year at mac. I also became hers as well.

When graduated, I did not find a job immediately and was kind of down. I started to work out to motivate myself. I lost about 75 pound in a couple of months. With the help of family friends, I got hired at a law firm. I learned a lot of things from there. What it's like to practice law, experience to use office equipments, how to network, etc. The perks were great. But the coworkers and the work are not as great. Couple of coworkers come and go. 2 years and a half I still work with them. I also met Ashley, Selena, clarice, bryce, mike. Fun fact: Ashley's wedding was the first wedding that I attended that was not affiliated with my family.

A year ago, I woke up one day and decided to apply to post grad HR program. I was supposed to apply right after I graduated university but I knew I needed to take some time off. But, that day, I was determined to start a new. I got in to the program but was not able to start until last january. The program taught me so much about myself and others. I worked like I've never work in my life. In the end, I got 3.64 GPA. I've made friends and enemies.

My friends from high school that I mentioned before are still with me to this very day. We've gone through so many late night adventures together! I finished my internship last week and I now work as a full time employee at COC. I've traveled couple of times outside Canada for the past 2 years.My family and I recently went to punta Cana. I'm hoping to go to either Mexico or California next year!. I know in my last post I may have mentioned my struggle with the changing times. I know everyone in my life is starting to build their own life without me and that's okay. It is part of growing up. I'm also having short term memory lost lately but hopefully I get better. I'm hoping that my friendship with mike and Bryce would last longer. I wish my family the best in this new decade.

They say, life gets tougher as you grow older. My hope is I became tougher and more resilient still. I will ride the every changing tides of time while always looking up to the daylight.

I'll tell you the truth but never goodbye.

December 31st, 2019

Ps: pic 1 shows the books that I accumulated and read over the years. Pic 2 my favorite things the I received and owned this year.

[goldstevn-blog]

In my mind I am eloquent; I can climb intricate scaffolds of words to reach the highest cathedral ceilings and paint my thoughts. But when I open my mouth, everything collapses.   

 ⌠ MARGARET QUALLEY, 19, CIS-WOMAN, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, RILEY HAYES-GOLDSTEIN! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in UNDECIDED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ROLLING SPLIFFS ON YOUR FAVORITE BOOKS & COMICS, RUNNING ‘TIL YOU’RE OUT OF BREATH, A MESSY ROOM/A MESSY BED/A MESSY HEAD, A MEME FOLDER MORE EXTENSIVE THAN PICS OF FAMILY & FRIENDS. when it’s the VIRGO’s birthday on 8/31, they always request their MATZOH BALL SOUP from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ jinx, 24, she/they, pst ⍀

CHARACTER PARALLELS: Daria ( Daria ), Seth Cohen ( The OC ), Veronica Sawyer( Heathers ), Ron Swanson/Ben Wyatt ( Parks & Rec ), Quentin Coldwater ( The Magicians ), Pam Beasley ( The Office ), Zari Tomaz ( Legends of Tomorrow ), Nadine ( Edge of Seventeen ), Lindsay Weir ( Freaks and Geeks )

PINTREST: [ x ] PLAYLIST: [ x ] 

LIKES & INTERESTS: Cult Classics - Movies ( Heathers, Dead Poets Society, Sixteen Candles, Ferris Buellers Day Off, Cruel Intentions, The Breakfast Club, Almost Famous ), Blue raspberry Slushies, Donuts, Judaism, Arctic Monkeys, Lana Del Rey, The Strokes, The Smiths, the color blue, writing poetry, e. e. cummings, art museums, greek mythology, rmemes, Rolling joints on her favorite books, biblical mythology, astronomy, astrology ( she finds it very entertaining in a mocking way and would never admit there’s a small part of her that enjoys it ), Star Wars, black cats, black cats named Boggart, black nail polish, tattoos, carnivals, comic books, ferris wheels, puns, the sea, jellyfish, NPR every morning, going to the beach at twilight, 4 am drives, 5am runs, spliff.

POSITIVE TRAITS: Observant, Cooperative, Strategic, Witty, Intelligent, Resilient, Morally Responsible, Loyal.

NEGATIVE TRAITS: Reserved, Pessimistic, Sardonic, Secretive, Curious ( it will get her into trouble ), Awkward, Suspicious.

tw: mentions of parental abandonment

When you meet Riley Goldstein, a picturesque childhood in a picturesque suburbia in Virginia is not what you would expect and yet it was exactly what she had. Born on the cusp of summer and fall, Rachel and Christopher were over the moon to have their daughter, Riley Hayes, born on August 31, 2000. Finally, a child to complete the perfect family unit. Maybe they had hoped for a boy despite what science said ( hence the name Riley & a full name for a boy they had prepared ) but, they had a daughter and for the first ten years of her life they pampered her greatly. Trips to the coast every summer to visit his side of the family where Riley was praised for being such a pretty, good girl, and what seemed like infinite love from her father was doled out as long as she was what he wanted her to be. The younger girl was cooperative, it was in her nature it seemed, because she loved seeing her parents happy with each other. As long as Riley stayed within the lines, stayed within Christopher’s lines at least, everything would be well. Even when Riley started to develop a few habits and interests that were off the wall, he brushed them aside as childhood obsessions. Never could he accept his family for what they were which is exactly why he left.

The ugly truth was, Riley was an accident and the picture painted had been a lie – not that Riley knew until then. While she knew they had gotten married young she’d never known how much exactly her mother had given up to be with her father. Rachel Hayes had left her family, forsaken her religion ( as Christopher was a very religious Christian man ), and moved from New York City into this suburbia all with the promise of a family. When Christopher left right before Riley entered middle school, Riley was forced to grow up and pick up the pieces of a broken lost woman who simply couldn’t find herself in the rubble that was the aftermath of her father leaving. 

As it was, Riley lived in a shitty town, full of shitty close minded people, full of shitty stores besides the 7/11 that had the best slushies and there were many days she just felt like total shit. She did her best to not stand out and she didn’t, she was a bit of a loner in school because at a young age she learned people left -- you could only rely on your own company to get you by. Riley became in engrossed in books, poetry, online communities, she became hungry for a life outside of her town but had no clue how to get there. When the time came to apply to colleges, she freaked out and decided that she was going to take a year off. Her self esteem couldn’t currently handle the rejections from colleges she had dreamed of attending ( though, Riley would’ve gotten in to a few had she tried -- that was the problem -- Riley didn’t often try out of fear ). For a year, she’d work, she’d be involved in her temple hours away in Bethesda when she got the chance, she’d live her life one day at a time while she figured out what to do with her life. She wasn’t special, she didn’t have any skills -- or so she thought. 

Why was Riley picked for Gallagher Academy? She was never the brightest at her school ( at least her grades didn’t show it, though her perfect SAT scores did ), she was never the most athletic ( despite going on runs everyday ), she was never the best at anything but there she was -- at college for people who were all gifted. Truthfully, she’s overwhelmed, she’s cautious, she’s scared, but sometimes she looks around and maybe thinks this might’ve been where she was meant to be. Riley is the perfect spy because she knows how to be invisible, she watches people, when she’s not trying to drown her brain in alcohol, weed or cigarettes, she’s sharp and is able to point out trends, her journals and diaries full of notes about people, how they tick, their little quirks, her observations. You’re able to forget she’s there and she’s able handle herself in high stress situations when it comes down to it. Gallagher Academy saw a girl who COULD reach her potential but didn’t know how, they saw a nobody with barely any family or friends who they could mold, they saw a girl who needed the right push to be someone great. Her biggest hurdle? How she sees herself, how she views the world and her place in it. 

LIL THINGS

riley’s aesthetic is if lana del rey and weird al yankovic had a baby!

loves water

her judaism is extremely important to her, i have detailed hcs about it if you wanna ask but her favorite holiday is yom kippur which is NOT a happy holiday 

i’ve been toying with her future and what she could do and honestly i could see riley in both research + development, mcguyver survival skills or drivers ed!! 

deals with depression and GAD!! i imagine she’s been in and out of therapy, but i could see her going into it properly once school started via the school to help her out?? 

is trying to find a balance between rambling and being monosyllabic LMAO like sis is not the best at carrying convos like the social skills DEFINITELY need some work despite being really good at reading and observing people 

writes and writes and writes and WRITES, writes poetry sure, but often writes about what she sees, who she sees, what is going on with her, her emotions, the world around her, you can always find her with her journal scribbling something 

extremely sardonic, her humor can be very subtle 

changed her name to riley hayes-goldstein, to honor her mother’s side of the family. she wanted to get rid of the hayes completely but something just made her?? tack on the name instead of remove it

did track and field in school and was honestly REALLY good at long distance running, could’ve been the best, but she just didnt want that kind of recognition or attention 

if you wanna plot please like this and i’ll come to you!! 

[sophocused]

uni recap 2019

I think it's really important for young studyblrs still in high school or junior high to be exposed to more detailed and honest uni experience anecdotes, so buckle up because it’s about to get real honest and a little personal in here.

I'm in the middle of the fall term of my second uni year, technically now in the 2nd year of my general B.Sc. and I need to start from the beginning a little bit, especially when it comes to my academic journey so far.

Let's start with junior high, when adults always want to ask what you want to be when you grow up. After going to a career symposium with friends, a field trip run by the school, that's when I heard about the College of Pharmacy at the "top" university of the province.

First thing that attracted me was that they make an annual $100k a year, and to my 14 year old impressionable mind that was convinced that my future had to revolve around making bank, I decided from there that I would work towards the end goal of becoming a pharmacist.

I was convinced that pharmacy was the ultimate goal to get my life going, as a real functioning adult of society.

Fortunately, I was wrong. It was a hard pill to swallow, but a necessary one nonetheless.

Since this is an academic recap, I won't bring up the mental health and physical health bits of the last eight years of my life, I'll fastforward to high school senior year, when I decided I would (as a minimal effort-get straight A's student) actually TRY in my studies again. It was because my work ethic had grown to a point that when I didn't try and still got a B or A, I was scared of the moment I would actually try and then not get an A or A+. I wanted to fight that fear of realizing that I'm not "effortlessly good at thngs" because I didnt want to have a fear of failure.

(Disclaimer: it's been three years since then and I'm still a work in progress when it comes to my relationship with failures but it is getting consistently healthier, despite bumps)

Thus, I started this studyblr three years ago, June 30th 2016 I believe?? My url was chemystery for the first few days but sophocused came up because of sophocles (not that hes my fave philosopher or anything) it just stuck ANYWAY IM GETTING DISTRACTED

So I actually tried in my last year of high school, worked hard and got A's in physics, pre-calculus, and AP chemistry. The AP chemistry came with a provincial exam, that in getting a score of 4, granted me a $150 reward, and the grade of a B in two university courses (2 chem prerequisites)

I was a fool and no one exactly explained to me that those 2 courses were even harder when taught through uni, because I really wasted nearly $1000 in taking those two courses again in my first year of uni, in hopes of turning them into A's.

I should probably mention that going into uni, the pharmacy program had 2 chem, 2 bio, 1 calc, 1 written course, and 2 electives, as prerequisites. My innocent mind, thinking it wouldn't be a big deal, registered for a full five and five course load, so that I could finish all my prerequisites within my first year of uni, and apply for the college of pharmacy by March. (Back then, it was still a Bachelor's program where selection process depended on your AGPA, and your mark on a written critical skills essay)

I learned the hard way that for university, it is a mentally and emotionally laborious task to try and juggle five classes, having to hold yourself accountable when it comes to attendance and figuring out what notes you want to take. There's no way to write physical hand-written notes for five courses (not for me anyway).

It was incredibly fast-paced as well, and I had many days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. I was so conflicted with my perfectionist mindset, and the pressure to get a 4.0 GPA that I spread myself so thin and honestly it was one of the most difficult years of my life. I still got out with 8 B's and 2 A's by the end of my first year. I was ashamed of those B's.

When it came to applying for pharmacy however, despite the grades I got, my GPA didn't make it to the minimum 3.50 needed to be applicable for pharmacy, but I got my transcript a month after I had already applied for pharmacy and I had even done the written exam.

I had to face my first big failure which was getting the email that they couldnt even look over or consider my application because my GPA did not reach the minimum required.

On top of that, I learned that I could not just simply try again the next year. This was because suddenly, the university decided they were going to change the Bachelors pharmacy program into a PharmD. A doctorate. To me, that meant they added eight more prerequisites (even more difficult uni courses with chem and human phys), and a required PCAT score. We also were not allowed to apply until Fall 2020. That meant, I now suddenly had no plan for my academic career for the next two years because I had really only ever thought about getting into pharmacy on the first try.

After a breakdown or two last year upon processing this, I had made the decision and talked to my parents about trying for it again, and doing the new prerequisites. This brought in the new mental turmoil of money on my mind during my summer after first year of uni, thousands of dollars this would cost, suddenly having no routine for four months after working at max brain capacity for 6 months.

My 2nd year of uni, fall 2018, a lot of growing had happened, a lot of processing of failure happened, just. a lot. happened.

October 2018, I got a job at a school, so I really juggled my school stuff with work. Five days a week, I would be up at 6-7am and then get home around 6:30pm, while doing human physiology, organic chemistry 1, an eastern religions elective, and an intro to statistics course.

long story short, yes I must spare you the details of the process of it all because it got pretty sad. That was my worst uni term, ending with 1 B, 1 C+, 1 C, and an F in organic chem.

My first F in university. My first F ever in my entire school life. It was a begrudging blow at my mental state, and I spent two to three weeks devastated. I dont know how I got out of it, I think one day I just said to myself, "Okay you got an F, but did you die?"

Honestly, the humour in that really cheered me up, among other things, and the emotional support I got from my older sister, and by the time I got into the 2nd half of my uni year (right now), I have discovered I potentially have a calling to become a teacher or to work in the lab as a technician.

Most importantly, most if not all of the credits I've earned, are also applicable to get into the Faculty of Education. Basically, I came to peace with having options, and digging deep into myself to really find the thing that I could really see myself doing based on my personality and interests, not just on the money and the rush of finishing school.

I just finished the longest midterm season of winter 2019, with my first midterm being early February and my last midterm + essay deadline on March 15th... I did well. I did well in trying to really take care of myself while trying to go to every class and trying to work hard as much as I could everyday. I think out of my many midterms, I got 1 A, 4 B's, and a C. These are all salvageable. I do still really want to keep working towards a 4.5 GPA but now I'm okay if that doesnt always turn out to be what I get.

Anyway I finally get to write something like this because I've been busy for the past month, a lot of things happened again in the midst of it all, but I'm still okay. I get a week to rest before my lab exam and then it's finals season.

This time, I'll try hard not to just let my life pass me by, with only ever school and academics in mind, I had gotten really sad these past few weeks, and I'm usually good at being my own antidote for that, but I really got to a point where I felt I had no strength to pick myself back up.

Last night I said "fuck it" and decided to go to my cousin's house who I hadn't seen in over a month to spend time with them instead of working on my 30% essay due midnight. Before I was so desperate to finish it, terrified of the 2% deduction per day it would be late, but after crying on the bus, I had had enough of letting my academics bring this much weight on my mental health. After spending four hours with my cousins and aunt, I came home to my mom, and I watched a two hour movie with her.

I didn't regret it one bit. I felt better than I had in a long, long while.

Now, this Friday, my grandma and other cousin are flying in, and I cant wait to just keep healing.

Thank you for reading, or scanning over, I hope you got something good out of this, as I am telling this story both for my sake, and for other students’ who might commonly find themselves in the same boat. I believe in you.

[kaseyspersonalventspace]

im honestly considering trying to falsely seed childhood memories in my head. like, replace even the good ones. theres so much pain and suffering in these normal memories. like, having fun in theatre is what everyone else saw and experienced, but i was wearing 2 sweatshirts.

i didnt love anything, i loved summer and cake and music but like, i didnt love them in relation to me.

ive had these secret little wish fulfillment fantasies where im a popstar or a stage actor or an artist or a singer or someone big and popular, and anyways the fantasy isnt even like something huge where im in the perfect house or a lavish mansion and everythings perfect, the fantasy is just that i am feminine and happy and very open. im living a life i kept just trying to hold to. but the transphobia and dysphoria and depression all just grabbed me and i could never.

i started crying, again, like for real, for the first time in maybe over a year? anyways, i have a lot of mixed emotions about it (obviously). one of the big ones is this strange sense of misery and happiness? like, crying like this is right. its supposed to happen and be like this. but obviously im still crying so, misery too.

im honestly considering trying to falseley seed childhood memories in my head. like, replace even the good ones. theres so much pain and suffering in these normal memories. like, having fun in theatre is what everyone else saw and experienced, but i was wearing 2 sweatshirts.

i hated the pool, god did i ever. did you know i wanted to be a lifeguard for a while? and then dysphoria really kicked me and i never went swimming again. i wouldnt change in the locker room. there was this overbearing discomfort with it and, yeah. i dont like wearing minor amounts of clothing anyways mostly. ive been wearing the same sweater for weeks now no shirt beneath it i cannot bear to see my own skin usually.

its getting better, and can see actual breast development happening but if the numbers are to be believed, and they are,

yeah. fuckin nothing. I talked to my one irl transfem friend and she said im on track normally, and honestly its kinda painful. that 60 months is 5 years. i have to wait so so long before i can really begin to even be at all.

writing this post is taking me literal hours.

i really dont have any female friends, mostly because i cannot bare to be seen by them.

“Because the sunset, like survival, exists only on the verge of its own disappearing. To be gorgeous, you must first be seen, but to be seen allows you to be hunted.”

-Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (i highly recommend the read, though nobody is going to read this.)

i have had female friends, but i always feel they want an otherness. they secretly look for things and ways im different. ways i am not them. ways they can sentence me to living a life i wont. its not their faults, its my anxiety, dysphoria, depression, and the deeply ingrained transphobia in society.

theres a notification for a jerma stream right now but i really cannot watch it theres just such a pervasive loneliness to everything, really.

i am isolated socially in my gender. i dont regularly talk to other transfems or even other women. i get the feeling this is intentional on their part.

i hug an old memory foam pillow to fall asleep at night. the way memory foam presses back feels like a person and it makes it easier to sleep, and deal with the crushing and painful isolation.

this post is very long at this point and i dont know whether i will ever stop writing it.

i went for a walk today, and bought a notebook and some of those fancy mechanical pencils with the side angle thing. i used to thing those were the best in middle school (and i still do).

i cant really talk about how weird this is with any of my immediate circle of friends because like, its so disparate and separate from them. on that note, a few days ago i thought i had my first period at 19, becuase the symptoms i was expirencing are close to those of a period (on reflection probably not, thats usually a FAR later effect of puberty, ill probably see that in a month or two). anyways, i didn't wanna explain that to my friends and so i just had a bad time and was filled with ainxiety.

im mad that i fuckin cut my hair. right now it looks like shit. i gotta wait until summer for it to get long enough.

i might have covid, and i am not excited about that.

i never would have needed a tumblr account just for this, but since ophelia moved i havent had anyone to give me scraps of the life i wanted to live. wed stay up late and she would show me whatever anime she was watching, and then id show her whatever horror/adventure/general podcast i was listening to, and then we would talk and get sleepy and then go to bed. and that was it. it was the highschool friendship i had always wanted, and then i got overloaded with things, and then we stopped talking. i still talk to her sometimes, im trying to go for at least once a week, but its hard.

i sent a message to one of my other trans friends in my immediate group, (hes a guy for reference, still no close female friends) about lying to my other friends, about voice training in particular. like, getting my voice where i want it. anyways, the lie is that im getting a fringe case where my voice is being raised by the estrogen. its really total bs, but if i start slightly modifying my voice and i have voice cracks and its inconsistent, i have an alibi and a cause to support my case. if they knew i wanted to change my voice willingly? i would have to die. i would rather be dead.

sharp deviation, i know, but. if i went back in time, and killed my younger self, i dont think it would be a time paradox. i should be arrested for time-murder but i would still exist. that wasnt me. that was never me.

“Migration can be triggered by the angle of sunlight, indicating a change in the season, temperature, plant life, and food supply. Female monarchs lay eggs along the route. Every history has more than one thread, each thread a story of division. The journey takes four thousand eight hundred and thirty miles, more than the length of this country. The monarchs that fly south will not make it back north. Each departure, then, is final. Only their children return; only the future revisits the past.”

-Ocean Vuong, On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous (again, beautiful read)

i think about that whole idea, that you can never go back to the past. its fun but not true at all. you are free to revisit the past at any time, but will find nobody is there. nobody lives in the walls of your childhood home, nobody goes to your elementary school. nobody is there. sometimes i walk alone in sherwood and think about that. the highschool got turned into the middle school. every time i pass it i think about that. i think about the bad classes and the stress. and i come to a realization, walking passed the living haunted building. i think about my memories there, and they didnt include me. they were just the walk itself, or the conversation, or the class. i wasnt in any of them. my deadname, that body, its not there.

i find i do a lot of wishful thinking.

i said i wanted to replace my childhood memories with some different ones. i think one of them is going to be just, expanding the ones i have with my sibling. for reference, they had barbies as a child, (and american girl dolls, which is its own mess) but when we moved to beaverton, our first room there we had to share. they would play with their dolls and i would build some lego structure i would end up vulturing in a week anyways. anyways, the maybe 6 foot distance between saoirses and my stuff meant eachothers stuff ended up on eachothers sides of the room. they would do lego stuff and id usually fix the mis-velcroed/unevenly buttoned doll clothes. we moved to a different apartment in the same complex and we got separate rooms.

i think i will add in memories of shows i had to sneak watch at friends houses or on the computer as a child more and more into the memories. in reality, my parents wouldnt let me watch the normal kids programming, so i could only watch hannah barbara cartoons from the sixties and whatever was on PBS. dont get me wrong, both are excellent media, but when i got older i realized they had prevented me from socializing using shared media experience. when we got a shitty macbook, equally shitty mac games and pirated versions of cartoons i wanted to watch were what i was hooked on. i would just google like "dragons" or some shit and have a zero volume sailor moon clips or lego game reviews play in a tiny window on the right.

you know how i chose my name? basically, i spent a lot of time deliberating on it, but eventually i realized.i dont want a flashy or unique name. becuase i dont really want to stand out. kasey is a name that looks good in lowercase or uppercase, isnt hard to pronounce, and is just very normal. I didnt end up using it for about a year or so though, this was intentional. i first had everyone learn a fake deadname. everyone learned my name as sage. this, of course put a layer over my deadname. a shroud that makes people slip up and not deadname me. i developed mnemonic armor, in a sense. an additional layer of memory that would have to be pushed through before someone might accidentally/intentionally hurt me.

i had a babysitter when i was a kid, her actual name was christine? idk we called her christy or crissy i cant earnestly remember. anyways, i thought she was the literal coolest teenage girl on earth. like, cooler than anyone else and i wanted to be her so bad as a kid. like, so fucking bad (looking back duh it was obvious). anyways, i had a dream of a memory of a time when i was bored and in the back it was raining. but in the dream, i was in the car where she was. i was wearing a black hoodie an some of those grey forever 21 sweatpants. i think i had earrings in? whatever. it was her car but it was like, actual me inside it. like, kasey. anyways i was listening to music (both within timeline and anachronistic) and i just went to the dmv to get a new id and then i drove home and i woke up. this dream is so significant becuase all my other dreams were in third person mostly and i was painfully aware of how i looked, and exactly how my face looked in any expression. but this, i just did mundane boring shit. i didnt do a goddamn thing. i had a normal oregon day as myself. and it felt good.

i think im going to end my first real post on this nice positive note, that feels good.

[limonaderose]

oh better write this out because why not? i tend to lie to myself to be the bad person for having emotional reaction so its good to have a receipt on how its ok.

alright met new friend, which is cool and all, sr for adding you 2 years ago to be friends but forgot about it instantly. i did it now! so yay me! better late than never.

overall its very chill, very good vibe, not complaining. the star of today is my housemate though.

after i hung out with new friend the first time, i came home and maybe this already happened then but my mind is shit. but just to be sure lets skip a few days after that when we somehow talked about the new friend again and she laughed that we are still using cậu-tớ, which is formal way of talking between friends. and i know its a joke so i didnt say anything but it did bother me. i felt bad and anxious a bit, but nothing too bad yet.

then onto the 2nd hang out, somehow it came to that maybe housemate and new friend should meet up, but it didnt happen as they had different plan for the weekends. while its still in the middle of planning stage, i thought, no, i dont want this, i dont like hanging out with more than 1 person, especially when im necessary there, without me they wont talk, i just want to shrink to the back if its a group, i cant do this, its stressful, why do i have to, etc. and then it really didnt happen, i kept thinking, i made that happens, i manifested it, i had bad thoughts, thats why it ended up like that, im a bad person, im the reason new friend doesnt have more friends, etc. you know the drill. its even worse because i know im this way because i havent gotten over stuff from middle school, it was so long ago, why am i dragging it until now, and messing up with current situation? i meant it could very possibly be an event that decides my characteristic of only liking 1 on 1 interactions, but i cant help thinking its just a trauma i need to get over to become a fully functional member of society who can do well in a party setting. you know, to work in an office.

on the day when we met up, new friend woke up late so i just hang out at the shopping centre looking at books and clothes, man fast fashion makes it hard to be good consumer. but i still wanted to sit down maybe so i texted my housemate asking if i can sit at the food court. she texted back asking where is the new friend and when i said shes late she jokingly said then why didnt she wanted to go on the other day of the week (the day my housemate coild have gone too.) well there it is, i felt bad again, this is because of me, etc. not a really good start.

we met, hung out, ate, man the food court was so loud, felt bad not talking, but i couldnt... hmm. a lil bit overwhelmed. new friend was tired so we ended it early. met sam. briefly, still think about it.

i got home when housemate was down in the kitchen so she asked why am i home so early and i said new friend was sleepy so we ended it early. she joked again that then why couldnt it be planned the next day? idk if you have read the whole thing i typed up until now, you know what happened. she also joked about are we still using the formal way of addressing each other. i felt so bad. i have been tired. im no longer interested in making friends, heck im not even interested in life. i knew new friend had a close friend who passed away earlier this year. why go through that again. i dont know how long im holding on either, ive been sluggish for so long, years. if i let go i dont want another string tying me. we can be friends, but we dont need to be close. i feel bad for that. that i cant offer to call her more than the formal way.

maybe my behaviors had been problematic from the start but i didnt realize. only when my housemate talked that i noticed and i spiralled. maybe its just all me.

just one more thing i guess, im getting tired. when i talked about how to bring new friend to hang out at our place, housemate likes to say new friend doesnt even like me to go hang out at my place. well that fucked me up.

[marieabanga]

  Since I returned to my country in August 2015, I haven’t attended any conferences. Workshops or small gatherings yes, I even tried organizing some under the platform I launched called Inspiring Positive Actions Now, but it didn’t quiet take off. My dream on my return was to actually organize a mega conference for women dubbed “Women walking with stubborn but passionate faith”, I had started putting together a team and then all sorts of challenges came in and I prayed and let it go.

It can then be easily understood why I am so excited to attend this conference which I aptly qualify as ground breaking in this country especially in such difficult times we as individuals and the entire nation are facing. I think ladies above all will have to step in the gap to lead themselves and the country as a whole through all the unrest we are going through, be it spiritual, emotional, mental, physical, socio-cultural… you name them…

I mean, just read their vision:

The vision of this conference is to bring together 500+ women leaders and those involved in leadership in order to encourage, nurture and strengthen leadership abilities by engaging them through capacity building workshops, teaching, motivation and panel discussions on issues that affect women and their leadership in the society. The ultimate goal is to see these conference attendees empowered to carry out their God-given assignments in the home, workplace and world.

And yes, I went to school with some of the ladies profiled as authors, speakers or organizers, so it’ll be so much touching soul base for me. The Lord is really good all the time. If I cannot accomplish something and a sister or brother can, trust me I’ll join them and cheer them on and make some real noise and impact. I wish I could bring someone else. But you know in matters of the soul, your soul must be stirred from within and nothing else. All else will be glam which will backfire in the long run big time.

The conference is put together by an organization called Lead Mission International and their programme shows they’ll be heading to Burundi after Cameroon. Isn’t this simply awesome? This is the first of such conferences they’ll be organizing in Cameroon, and although I have a feeling nothing will be easy for the organizers especially with meeting set targets, I hope they brave through it counting on no other Grace but the most Amazing one provided by the almighty God and Father himself. I can’t wait to meet the organizers in person and see what lies ahead in terms of collaboration, learning, sharing and more.

I plan to get a copy of the book because I can see my story in there though not included lol. I will be meeting the editor myself and as an author, I am super excited. Who knows if he’ll take on my next publication? That project from every indication has a course I don’t master because each time I try telling my spirit I want to let it out now, am reminded patience is a virtue.

All in all dear all, I already feel it in me it wouldn’t be an idle weekend. I have a very soulful event on the eve of the conference in Douala and I blog on that in two days, then I leave the very next morning for Yaounde where the conference takes place, and will return to Douala on Sunday by God’s Grace. I bundling all of this into a Me Moment because on my return, I may be alone at home (guys should hopefully be gone on vacation), but I have to resume psychology studies and writing my draft for next year. Any leading lady in Cameroon wants to attend, please call any of the numbers on the flyer and pay a sum you wouldn’t regret spending on your personal growth because YES – YOU DESERVE IT

Have a great week everyone

Leading Ladies like myself will be attending this groundbreaking conference… Since I returned to my country in August 2015, I haven't attended any conferences. Workshops or small gatherings yes, I even tried organizing some under the platform I launched called…

[lyzande]

ebarg thoughts - my swan song

just some shitty thoughts that I need to vent

I honestly don’t know how to start this, or what even to write. Where should I begin? How should I spin this tale? What will the ending be?

I’ve been struggling with formulating coherent thoughts over the last few weeks and months, and honestly, I can’t be fucked to start pulling myself together. Putting aside my academic obligations, thinking itself - in a logical, calm, and sensible manner - has become a huge burden. Even with the academic strain, I have struggled to perform and study up to the standards that I should be performing at. 

This year has been ridiculously tough on all of us. At the beginning of 2020, no one could have ever predicted the shitty predicament that we would be in, from the very first month of the year.

I have to say, it’s fucking shitty that I’m in this state of mind once again. I’ve worked so hard to pull myself together back in 2018, and honestly, I managed pretty well in holding myself together all throughout the year of 2019.

I suppose I should reflect on my mental state from the beginning. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with this bullshit internally for nearly seven years, by my most gracious estimate. Although, I hesitate in claiming anything since I have not been diagnosed or even talked to any mental health professional. But, you know, at the risk of misdiagnosis, I have done research, bounced ideas off of different sound boards, ie. the people who I value in my life, and their opinions thereabout.

Having established my fragile state of mind, things could only get worse by the end of 2017. In my third year of college, I was elected to be an officer of our mother org, which I had no experience in at all. It’s not a surprise that there were a lot of struggles that faced me, a lazy procrastinator with whimsical ideas about life who was suddenly handed the responsibilities of a secretary. I did my best, or so I’d like to think, but it wasn’t enough to meet the standards which I should have worked at. I failed. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit. I failed horribly. I tried to learn as best I can from my failures, and I’d like to think that I may have improved from that. 

At the same time, by the end of the semester, I had failed one of my subjects due to my own irresponsibility. I really don’t want to get into it but I accepted everything that happened. It was one of the only times that I broke down in school. I remember, 2017 was the year that two of my dearest friends saved me. To this day, I still love them unconditionally because at my worst, they were there, and at my best, they were the reason.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-2018, the end of our third year in college. By that time, I had lost my love for our org and had started spending more time with another. Although I did not neglect my duties, I had only given the bare minimum. I struggled with a few but our efforts were not enough to salvage the dumpster fire that was our responsibility. Again, I learned and I promised to never make the same mistakes again.

Enter our fourth year of college. It was the year where we had to finish our thesis, finish our internship and pass our other academic requirements in order to graduate. On top of that, I was appointed as the managing editor of our college paper. I was elected into the minor position of PIO within out college subcouncil. I was elected to be the President of our University’s student volunteerism organization. I don’t know if I’ve stressed this enough but I was not a responsible student. I resented my course. I chose neither Accountancy nor Accounting Management, and out of spite, I neglected my academics.

I struggled with juggling my other responsibilities on top of trying to have a social life. So it was a month into our fourth year that I tried to kill myself. I have already been actively selfharming for a few months by then, and it all peaked when I has one shitty night, and I drank a betsin cocktail of my own making. But I was stupid and I didnt have nearly enough to even give me a stomach ache. I probably should have gone for an overdose or something.

But to my shame, I didn’t die. I dont think anyone even knew what I attempted. I was lucky. A few weeks later, we had a team building activity, which I attended with some of my closest friends. They saved my shitty self again that day. For the first fucking time, i saw what I’ve been blind to for such a long time. I had people that actually fucking cared about me. I could not lose them. I’ve pulled my shit together. A friend made me promise to stop selfharming, and honestly, I was pretty good at keeping that promise.

Fast forward to mid-2019, I guess. My family had already decided I was going to be enrolled into law school. I’ve been struggling with the idea, I was willing but I wasn’t quite sure. Nevertheless, I pursued it. It was an amazing first sem, honestly. I met a lot of great people. I made a new family. We all went through the same struggles and joys. It was a whole new unique experience. By this point, I was in a pretty good mental state. I was stable. I made a promise to myself that I’d actually be making an effort, academically-speaking.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. On top of the already harsh standards demanded by law school, there were external stressors. Everyone has struggles in law school. Everyone had their own problems. These were mine: family expectations, distorted self-worth and self-view, struggling social life, and I was missing my first family - my closest friends.

Fast forward again to 2020, and holy shit. What a fucking year. It isn’t even over yet. Taal volcano exploded. Tried to help around in the ways I can. Still studying diligently. Then covid happened. Quarantine and lockdown enforced. That was a whole other struggle. Everyone had to adjust to learning on their own and thru online means. Still, it wasn’t too bad. We missed each other’s company but we managed somehow.

Having been in a stable headspace for the past n months, I decided to get back into the dating and social scene. Being the haliparot that I am, I made landi like it was going out of fashion. It was fun. Met a few people, got watered, figuratively speakin, y’all know what I’m saying? But then fucking shitty people making shitty decisions. Engineers are ghosters, y’all can’t change my mind. Engineer, if you ever read this for some reason, fuck you. (but if you want, I’m still head over heels for you, you shitty fucking fuck)

ANYWAY. Around July or August, my mom got sick. She struggled with her health. Those few weeks that she was out of commission was tough. She’s the only person working in our household, so we all depended on her income. I wanted to drop out and work, because I needed to help my parents. But I kept studying because sayang naman daw if I wasted my time. Im a full time student, being supported by my family. They wanted me to focus on studying. So I did.

Then about a month or so ago, my dad got sick. He can’t get up without getting dizzy. At first it was just blood pressure issues, which became blood sugar issued but now, apparently, it’s some fucking brain issues. My cousins have been covering the medical expenses and honestly, we’re struggling so fucking hard to live right now. I really want to drop out of school and work, just so we can have stable income but with this shitty situation we’re in? holy shit

the past few weeks have been a struggle. academic burn out. social burn out. i’ve been contemplating selfharm again. i want to die. my body is giving up on me. everything is hurting. i cant talk to any of my friends because im scare. i know i can rely on them but im so fucking scared. im becoming naother huge disappointment. im falling into a pit of my own making. i dont know what to do. i cant focus on my studies. im performing subpar. i need to support my family. my social life is dead. my heart is broken. im doing my best but my best right now? it’s worth shit.

im trying to pull myself together but i dont know where im at right now

im trying to reach out but i know how much people are also struggling and i dont wanna take away their time and effort

trying to look for work but im abrely qualified

constant headaches and body aches

my heart is still crying for him

my soul is condemned to eternal suffering

our society is falling apart

our economy is fucked

history is repeating itself

politics is bonkers

people are dying

i dont know what the shit is oging on

i want to die

i want to live

i want to survive

i miss my friends

i miss my fmaily

im tired

im so fucking tired

i dont know what to do

i just want to die

[theycalledmebonni]

On Wednesdays We Wear Pink

Coming out of addiction and that kind of life and trying to reenter society is like trying to get a seat at the mean girls table. You literally feel like you have completely forgotten how to function around “normal” people and in a way you have.

I remember when my husband first exposed me to that kind of life and all of a sudden I was spending days awake with people who had been using drugs for the larger portions of their lives but at the very least for years and as they would all sit around and talk about when they did this drug or that drug for the first time or the time that they all got high and did [blank] or their time in jail. I sat and played candy crush like i was some kind of wall hanging.

Once my husband said, “No wonder no one likes you, you don’t ever talk to anyone you just sit there.” I looked him dead in the face and asked what he expected me to talk to them about. How was i going to join in? The flow of conversation would undoubtedly be impeded when an exchange like this happened:

“Yeah so that one time when I was shooting up heroin in the bathroom of the McDonalds and then the cops came in to serve my VOP warrant, you know what I mean about that feeling...”

and I come back with. “Yeah, one when I was on a mission trip with my church teaching vacation bible school to kids in low income housing i was really afraid that i was gonna get caught kissing this guy from the sister church when we went kayaking. Crazy times.”

seriously. no.

 I didn’t talk because I had nothing in common to talk to them about. I had never experienced those things.

But something weird happens when you spend time in that life. You start to assimilate.

You ever heard that tale about putting the frog in boiling water? So it goes that if you drop a frog into boiling water, the frog will immediately jump out. BUT, if you put the frog in regular water and then you start to heat it to boiling the frog will literally stay there and be boiled to death because it just adjusts to the temperature of the water.. The same thing kinda happens.

The longer you stay in the trap the more you start to feel removed from your life before or from the “normal” society. The more you feel like you don’t belong there or anywhere. You have lost relationships and you have lost friends and now you realize that it’s hard to reconnect because some may not know why you fell off, or some have gone on with their life and they have families and responsibilities and you are ashamed. Or they know what you have been doing and they don’t want that around their kids etc. Or you know the only time that you really miss your old life is at 3am when you can’t sleep for the dope that you did earlier and your ole man is taking apart a 1987 truck and you are left alone with your thoughts and you can’t message them then because regular people are effing asleep. 

You change until you don’t even think that you belong back in that “normal” life.

But then, a miracle. You decide that you don’t want to stay there anymore and you will not give drugs another second of your time and you start to want to get back to pre-world war Z life and so you start to try to reconnect.

and you find that you have the same problem. you find it hard to talk to your non-drug life friends because they want to talk about their investments and their job and you are like...”yeah, so see this vein here, this is my driving vein. Funny thing, the only time that the ole man could hit me there is when i was driving the car coming back from a dope run” and the look at you like you have snakes crawling out of your head and they are uncomfortable and you are uncomfortable and you want to crawl back into a hole.

addiction makes people uncomfortable because they don’t know how to react and I know this because I was once that person. I have apologized to someone once because i saw them physically become uncomfortable when i made some old drug life reference.

Let this serve as a PSA to “normal” society. Ranking right up with stopping the drugs is trying to get back into society. Trust me when I tell you that it is probaby the single biggest issue that we face. Because it causes in us all of the feelings that we escaped by using. We worry about being misunderstood, we worry when applying for a job because what f they ask why there is a huge gap in our employment? what if they want to go into detail about any kind of legal history, what if we are stunted in going forward because we are looked at and judged by a past that we are wanting and trying so hard to leave behind. what if we try to talk to our old friends and they don’t want to talk to us. What if they just think that we ghosted them and it wasn’t that we didn’t want to talk to them it was that we didn’t want you to see us strung out, we didn’t want you to know that we were like that. What if we have damaged relationships so bad that they can’t be repaired. What if your kid points out our tract marks and asked about them..or our scars from cutting. What if you invite us over and someone starts to talk bad about addicts. What if they ask us what we have been doing or what job we have and we can say nothing because life didn’t go like we planned and no we don’t own a car or a home we are struggling to work at Burger King and pay off our court costs?

We want our lives back. We want YOU back. We want US and our lives back. We are TRYING...please understand. Please understand that we are happy for you. Please understand that you don’t have to feel bad that you are where you are and we are where we are because we are alive and we are trying and we want to make it. If we try to message you on facebook or buy your new baby a gift please let us. We have literally felt like the scourge of society and our families for a long, long time. We have literally felt hated and rejected by everyone even ourselves and now we are clean and we are just trying to get our life back so hard. if its hard for you to talk to us because you don’t understand what we have been through or because we hurt you please TELL US. i would rather you say eff you than just say nothing. If you don’t want the gift because you think it was bought with drug money or will come from a drug house say that or let us send it and throw it away because it took A LOT for us to even write you. and being able to enjoy little things like seeing people we loved when we were happy be happy makes us feel like somebody again.

If you know someone trying to get their life back from abuse or addiction or mental illness or incarceration; GAS THEM UP. We are trying. We go to bed not thinking of the progress we made that day but of all the ways that we still didnt measure up that day.

and if you are reading this and you are like me struggling to get back on track and to join the land of the living again. I see you.

Great job staying clean today.

Great job using one less time today.

Great job calling your mom today.

Great job putting in that job application even though you are scared of rejection today.

Great job not hurting yourself today.

Great job showering today.

Great job. I am so proud of you and whether you wear pink or not you are welcome at my table and in my circle anytime and every time. Because I’ve been where you were and i’ve been where you want to be. 

And on Wednesdays...we all make it.

[citrus-feline]

going on facebook is always awful cuz ill want to share something with my dad but then see his most recent post is talking about “commie liberal shitheads” like. dad. is that what he thinks about me? he is definitely at least semi-aware of my political views. he’s accused me of being a communist in highschool back when i thought there was a point in talking to him about issues (but hes not going to change his mind). i dont get it either because he will get livid when i say that capitalism in its current state in america is ruining us despite being one of the people affected most by it. i grew up like hating late-capitalist ideals because i saw what my dad went thru and the hardship he endured trying to raise 3 kids all by himself when he was already having money issues. he grew up poor in a house with 5+ kids in it. is it just conditioning where he trusts a system that is so against him? he only just recently finally got a job that pays fairly for the amount of hardwork he does and his reaction to that isn’t being thankful to his hardwork or even his company, but making posts on facebook about how much he loves the president :/. dad... you’re opposed to raising min wage..... like....... he deserves the money for the work he does cuz hes like a genius with the machines he works but dude. go back 50 years and a job in a similar environment would be min wage. im happy he is getting more money but i wish he would like thank himself or his company instead of someone who perpetuates late-stage capitalism despite all of its harm.

generally i actually think my dad is okay but then i look at what he’s saying about people like me and it upsets me. i once made a post about how older people are so unsupportive to newer generations and he got so mad!! but im expected to see his posts that i can easily apply to myself and just be okay with it. im not gonna fight with my dad cuz like even the possibility of being told to move out will be really hard of my mental health and he takes care of me but........ i wish he was more respectful....... say what you will but the meanest i am to conservatives is when im venting about upsetting things i saw in the news on this website. when it comes to actually talking to people with different views i am really kind and understanding, and even on here i’ve experienced that. i’ve made angry posts before with keywords that attracted conservatives and have gotten angry asks about it before and my response is almost always “im sorry i upset you with that post, i was venting. but i am happy to have a conversation with you about this stuff.”..... i have only like once ever had someone take me up on discussing things in a mature way and separate from a personal post but i like to think that the way i handle it is respectful despite my own disbelief in those types of politics.

him going off on facebook is so bizarre to me because i’ve seen him fight with people in comments before. i’ve heard my sister (who is much stronger than me emotionally) address his posts before only to get into arguments where she will avoid visiting us for months aside from popping in after work or something. and she barely does that anymore. i dont get how he is so happy to keep making such rude posts on a platform that everyone he knows will see. i post on here knowing that maybe one or two people i know in real life will see it, if even that. and THAT makes me nervous! i’ve deleted plenty of posts i was typing up mid-rant because i realized i didnt want people who know me personally to see that! like i know looking at my blog it seems like “oh she doesnt have a filter” but i do!! like once a day i will start writing a vent post only to delete it all without ever posting because i realize it could cause some kind of misunderstanding or bitterness between me and the people i care about who check my blog.

all “bleh i hate capitalism” aside, i don’t understand the disrespect at all. i just dont. i can theoretically look at very conservative people as a group and be bitter about that, and i do sometimes, but i usually try to be mindful that people have opinions for their own reasons and i have to remember that everyone’s experience is different. despite people saying things i disagree with, i still respect them as people and i’m willing to talk about things gently. i much prefer a mature conversation about more heavy stuff as opposed to being yelled at. a mature conversation can lead to things being learned, on both sides. being so vocal about your disdain for people who you could potentially have an actual conversation with upsets me. i go off about politicians and stuff on here but for real if one of them talked to me, one-on-one, i would absolutely still be respectful despite everything i dislike about their policies and behavior as someone of power. the only time i wouldn’t treat someone with respect is if they not only treat me disrespectfully but reject my attempt at keeping things civil. and even then i would give multiple opportunities in an attempt to keep things calm and respectful. when i discuss stuff with people who i disagree with, i listen to them. lots of the time i feel the same about the issue at the end, but hearing a point of view is important. brushing all people who disagree with you away is just in bad taste in my opinion. because there are people who will not believe in what you do but also show respect despite that. there are people who will listen, even if they are secretly a little upset about what you’re saying. conversation is important in any kind of society and for one so polarized in political beliefs like ours i think it should be a requirement to show SOME kind of respect.

it just upsets me how i wont even be heard with some people, like my dad. people who are so stuck in their beliefs that they refuse to even consider looking at them critically. i know the stuff i align myself with isn’t perfect. i know some things people who are head-speakers for in the political groups i openly say i agree with aren’t always exactly what i think. and i know that lots of things won’t be treated as serious as i want them to be. focus can easily be put on things that i think should come later compared to what i care about. i know that “liberals” aren’t perfect. a lot of kids i went to school with were heavily and openly liberal and generally i agreed with them but now and then they would go too far with something, or even just be one of those people who are so up in arms about political stuff that they don’t have any real personal experience with (which is fine, i just wish they wouldn’t act like it was them being attacked instead of the actual people suffering from the real-life issues). i know my beliefs, MY personally beliefs, aren’t perfect. i used to have a lot of trouble realizing something i believed in was not what i thought it was, but now its kinda normal for me. my beliefs for lots of stuff is fluid, but of course because its me, i usually end up aligning with most “liberal” ideals (but, again, theres stuff i disagree with in those groups too). i will ride in my dad’s car where the radio is still on a political station he listens to and some of the stuff they say makes me sick because i disagree with it so much. and i like to think that my dad doesn’t believe all of that. but i dont know because whenever i’ve tried to figure out i’ve just been called a communist who hates freedom, lol. he’s not open to conversation which is really weird to me. cuz like. things change?? opinions aren’t static? people are able to look at things from different angles. its not that hard imo? maybe its just cuz im overly-empathetic but like. i dont... get how its so hard for people to put themselves in others shoes... thats what i primarily do when talking to people about stuff where theres any sort of disagreement. lots of the time ill put myself in their shoes and still come out feeling the same about the topic, but its still important to do that kind of thing to at least get SOME kind of grasp to why they believe what they do.

im not sure why im making so many long political posts lately compared to usual but i feel like this is important stuff to talk about... i dont expect anyone to change their views on shit just reading a post where im getting my frustrations out, but if anything is questionable, i want people to know that i AM open to talking about it personally. if you approach me with respect, i’d be happy to talk to you about stuff. it’s something i practice regularly with non-political stuff in my relationship and with close-friends when something touchy comes up. lots of the times core ideas aren’t changed but we all come out of that stuff with a bit more understanding of the other person and why they think what they do. people aren’t perfect and you will disagree about things. that’s why it should be handled respectfully. if i reacted the way my dad does to people trying to make conversation about more serious things, im pretty sure i wouldn’t have nearly as many friends, lol.

[kingjaffejoffer]

Sometimes its your turn to lose

I would prefer that nobody reblog this.

But this is the internet and I can’t stop yall from doing anything. So whatever. 

Something I’ve said on this blog a dozen times is the fact that I don’t believe in karma. To me, its something silly that people say to make themselves feel better when they take an L. If someone keys your car or busts out your windows and you don’t catch them... you mention karma because it gives you a little bit of power in hopes that the universe is gonna make the culprit pay. 

I don’t believe in karma because niggas like George Zimmerman and Darren Wilson are still walking down the street enjoying their lives, free as a bird even though they murdered Black people in cold blood. I don’t believe in karma because America has been committing atrocities all over the globe for 200 years and nothing has happened in retaliation, 9/11 aside (which is a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things). 

I don’t believe in karma because billions of people on earth can’t read and don’t have access to clean water and shelter. Where’s the justice for them?

That was a longwinded intro to the fact that I just took a massive L. Most people would say karma.... but I think it was just my turn to get got. 

I’ve a terrible boyfriend to most of the women in my life. 

I’m very sweet, charming, attentive, affectionate, and caring. I’ve done all the things women loved. 

Except for the fact that I always cheated. 

We can get into the reasons I cheated another time. That’s a whole 3 chapter post within itself. 

The point is. I cheated a lot, with impunity. I eventually reached the point where I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I matured to a place where I didn’t want to be a liar. I didn’t want to cause anyone any pain. I didn’t want to live a double life anymore. I didn’t want to hurt anyone anymore. 

So I decided that I was going to be single for the rest of my life. And last year, I finally got my wish. I was SINGLE and unapologetically a massive whore. 

It was fucking fantastic. I was single, and every woman I met, I’d let them know that I was fucking with other women and I had no intentions of ever getting into a relationship with them. I let women know from jump street what the deal was and things worked out great. You’d be surprised at what women are down with if you’re just honest and upfront from the start. 

I had a clean std test and was juggling a handful of women at a time, living the good life. 

And then....... I met her. 

She slid in my DMs on Tumblr. She wasn’t thirsty. She didn’t come into my messages with overtly sexual comments and pictures. She just introduced herself, “Hey, how are you doing?”

The conversation between us was effortless. The chemistry was flawless. We went from talking in the Tumblr messages every day. To texting. To snapchatting. 

We’d have conversations that lasted all day. and they were dope and wide ranging. 

If God came down from the heavens above and told me to design the perfect woman I wanted. The final result wouldn’t have been too different from this girl who just dropped in my lap out of nowhere on Tumblr.  We have EVERYTHING in common. 

California native

Her character and values as a woman were beyond what I could ask for. 

She’s extremely well versed in sports. She can hold substantive and meaningful conversations about the specific NBA players. 

We watched MMA and boxing together every Saturday

We both love California gangbang rap. We’d be in the car together listening to YG both lip synching the words. 

She’s well read, knocking out a book every week. 

She’s woke as FUCK. Unapologetically black.

Dark skin, natural hair.

Our views on religion were the same.

She’s college educated. 

She’s fucking beautiful. Thick in all the right places. 

She’s generous. Considerate. health conscious. 

She’s just as freaky as i am. One minute her and I are talking about environmental health and child rearing..... and 3 minutes later she’s on Snapchat taking a long piss for me so I can watch. Telling me she can’t wait until Friday so we can hang out and make love like we did every weekend. 

She came from a really good family. A two parent household. 

It didn’t take long before I was in love with her. 

I spent years wanting to be single. Wanting to be an unapologetic whore. Wanting to have a harem of women that I could call any time to do whatever I wanted.

I had all of that. And I fucking fell in love with this girl. 

And I threw it all away...... one by one. I went to my harem of women, breaking the bad news to them. Telling them that I had a girlfriend and we couldn’t have sex anymore. 

They didn’t react well. The drama that I had to endure just to get rid of all these women is enough to write a 5 chapter post on. That’s another story for another day. The point is..... I went through great lengths to make sure that I didn’t cheat this time. 

I stopped having sex with every woman on the side. I was 100% committed to this new perfect amazing woman that dropped out of the sky and into my life. 

The first time we had sex was explosive. I’ll never forget it.

We’d have long conversations about monogamy and our views on marriage, which were perfectly in sync. Neither one of us believed in marriage. We were receptive to the concept of open relationships, as long as the proper communication and guidelines were put in place beforehand. 

We’d talk about moving in together and having kids one day. I’d ask her all the questions that I felt were important. Did she believe in vaccinating kids? What kind of names did she consider? Did she plan to breast feed? What kind of schools did she like? What would we teach our kid at home?

We talked about all that shit. 

One day, a huge dent was put in the perfect fairytale relationship I had with this woman. 

I found out she was an alcoholic. I found out some other stuff too. She had been hiding it from me since the day she met me. She didn’t want me to judge her. 

I was initially bummed out. But I was so deeply and madly in love with this woman that I was like..... fuck it... no sweat. I’m going to get through this with her. 

We eventually got her enrolled in therapy sessions. As long as she was making progress toward getting better thats all I could ask for. She promised to keep her drinking under control from that day forward. That’s all I needed. 

I felt uncomfortable every time she had a glass of wine, but Rome wasn’t built in a day. Eventually we’d wean her off alcohol completely. I’ve never been in a relationship with a substance abuser/addict before, so excuse my naivite and ignorance. 

She was absolutely worth the extra work. I’ve never in my life met a woman as amazing as she is.

By the way I’ve set this story up. It’s completely obvious the way its going to end right?

Yep.

She got me. 

She played me. 

All these years of me being in control. All these years of me being the liar and the cheater and the one with 85958 women on the side. All these years of me being the one who broke hearts.

It was my turn. She played the shit out of me. 

One night she got black out drunk and I found out all kinds of stuff. I saw all the conversations of her talking to random niggas from the internet. I saw the evidence of her bussing her pussy open for niggas on snapchat. I saw the text messages of her telling niggas that she wants him and another man to both run a train on her at the same time.

That part didn’t hurt me. I’m not a jealous dude. I know that my girlfriend will find other men attractive. I know that my girlfriend will find other men sexually desirable. I know that she’s not going to go the rest of her life without wanting to fuck another man.

To keep it a buck fitty, if she would have just let me know about that from the start it wouldn’t have been a thing. 

So that part didn’t really hurt me. 

The text messages that she sent her female friends are the ones that hurt me. 

I read texts where she was telling her girlfriends that “he’s leaving tomorrow but I wish he would just leave right now”. 

I saw the texts where she told her girlfriends she could never live in a house with me because she wanted her freedom.

I saw all these text messages where the things that were a complete 180 opposite of what she would tell me.

That really hurt me. 

I have no idea why she would just lie like that for no reason. But I’m sure all of the women I’ve lied to in the past couldnt figure out why I lied to them either. 

Some people would call this karma.

But I think sometimes its just your turn to lose. Sometimes its your turn to get got. its the law of averages. The more times you roll the dice the greater chances of you getting snake eyes. 

Sometimes its your turn to take that L. 

It’s my turn right now. 

Ya boy is SICK right now. My stomach is in knots. When I swallow it feels like a lump is in my throat. My appetite is gone. I called my boss and told him I wouldn’t be at work tomorrow. I’m just going to lay int the dark and hurt. 

She got me man. 

I feel zero embarrassment publishing this on the internet, where it will surely be met with laughing emojis and all that other shit. 

None of what anyone can say will feel worse than what I’m already feeling right now. 

She got me....  I had it coming. I deserve it. 

Remember at the end of Menace II Society when Caine was like “I knew it would happen but i didnt think it would happen like this”

I didn’t publish this because i’m looking for sympathy. I dont want anyone’s pity. I really don’t care to hear anyone’s opinion at all. Don’t feel the need to send me any words of encouragement. 

Writing makes me feel better. 

it is what it is. 

I’ll be ok. 

I don’t hate her... I’m not even mad at her. Not one bit. I’ll always love her. She’s not a bad person. She’s just incapable of having a relationship right now. I know exactly what she’s going through because I used to be her. 

I gotta charge this one to the game.