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winnipegpatty · 5 years

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to all the boys i’ve loved before [part i] | s.m.

part ii. part iii.

a/n: hey its your local idiot who accidentally deletes her own writing. i changed the gif bc don’t even try and tell me that doesn’t look like a high school noah centineo esc shawn mendes.

It was the last dinner as a family before Ari would be going to college. Of course she’d chosen the absolute farthest place she could have picked: England. To celebrate, Dad was making Mom’s famous tamales. Well, he would at least try.

“I hate when he makes tamales” Sofia whined. “He always messes up the masa and it’s all crumbly and dry.”

She was eleven, and she was definitely the drama queen of the family.

“It’s sweet,” Ari cooed as she led Sofia down the stairs, “And no matter how it tastes, you take a big bite and say mmmm just like Mom’s, okay?”

Sofia rolled her eyes, but nodded in agreement anyway.

Just as the three of them reached the stairs, Josh stepped into the entryway, heading straight for Ari. With a quick kiss, he greeted his girlfriend, before hollering out to their dad in the kitchen. I stayed on the stairs, in the background, as I usually did when Josh was around these days.

“Sof,” Josh greeted her younger sister with a high five.

And finally, me.

Stepping off the stairs, I met him halfway. He high fived me as we all moved into the dining room where Dad was setting the table. Ari went back into the kitchen to get everyone’s drinks fixed up.

“I can’t believe we aren’t going to see Ari until Thanksgiving,” Sofia spoke to the table.

“Well, it’s actually going to be Christmas. England is too far to come home just for Thanksgiving,” their dad answered.

“Christmas?” Sofia asked, looking towards Ari as if she might have a secret trip home planned.

“Look on the bright side,” their dad responded, “Ari won’t be here to hog the car so, Y/N can practice her driving.”

Dad took that moment, to pass out the tamales to each plate, and Sofia noticeably grimaced before covering it with a smile.

“I forgot I had to drive with Y/N now.”

“Feel free to take the bus,” I responded with a roll of my eyes.

“You know if you’re ever in a bind, I can always help out,” Josh offered. He was perfect like that, always offering to help wherever he could. “I’m not disappearing; I still live right next door.”

“Orrrrrr, I could drive. And if we ever get pulled over, we’ll just switch places real fast,” Sofia spoke with exaggerated movements as if reenacting the scenario in her mind.

“Excellent idea, sweets,” their dad chuckled.

Ari returned with drinks in tow, handing one to each person, “What are we talking about?”

“Just how bad of a driver Y/N is.”

“And airplanes,” Josh piped in.

Ari looked at him oddly, “Yeah?”

“Yeah just, ya know...how you weren’t going to be able to come home for Thanksgiving. Which, brings me to this…” Josh dramatically pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket, unfolding it to show Ari. “I thought I’d bring some home to you. I’m coming to England.”

It was a plane ticket.

“Hey, look at Josh steppin up!” Dad cheered from the head of the table.

But Ari didn’t look pleased. In fact, she looked on the verge of irate. “You already bought this?”

Josh stuttered over a few words for a moment before standing up. The tension in the air was palpable, and with just the greatest timing Sof truly has ever had she took a bite of her tamale and said, “Mmmmm, just like Mom’s.”

I guess I should tell you about Josh. For the last two years he’s been Ari’s boyfriend. But before Ari even cared that he existed, he was my first boyfriend. Space between the words boy who was a friend. I could tell him anything. We just really understood one another. He was my best friend. We didn’t exactly stop being friend when Ari and Josh got together, things just became….different. They didn’t want me to feel left out. So they invited me everywhere. Like...everywhere. Even on dates. They tried to make it as normal as possible (for a third wheel, I guess), but it just wasn’t the same. It’s not like I wanted to date Josh or anything. I’m happy for Ari. She deserves an amazing guy like Josh. And so I wrote him a letter, and I wasn’t going to send him the letter or anything. It was just for me. So I could understand all these crazy feelings. But I guess really, it was also about how sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I’d realized how I felt about him sooner. If I could have been the girlfriend instead of Ari.

My letters are my most secret possesion, for no one to see but me. There are five total. Kenny from camp, Shawn from seventh grade, Lucas from homecoming, Jake from Model UN, and….Josh. I write the letters when I have a crush so intense that I can’t even think straight. When I don’t know what to say.

Ari would say I’m being dramatic, but I think drama can be fun. Just as long as no one knows about it.

Ari and Josh broke up that night. Before mom died, she told Ari to never go to college with a boyfriend. And the next morning, she left for England. And that was the end of Ari and Josh.

Ari always said that when something is no longer useful, you either donate it, recycle it, or throw it away. I always knew she felt that way about objects, but I didn’t know she thought about people like that too. I didn’t know it was possible.

_____

It was first day of junior year. Ari was in England. I’d actually cleaned my room last night which has never happened before. And I was driving Sof to school for the first time. It all felt so wrong.

Walking down the halls as a junior in high school, I was almost at the top. I passed Josh, which felt both weird and more natural than it had in the past two years. But as I turned too look at him as I walked away, he looked sad.

Walking backwards wasn’t my strong suit though because moments later I walked right into a person.

“Ow. Excuse you!”

“Oh, shit. I’m so sorry, Gen.” I answered as I moved away from the girl who was basically the devil incarnate. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.”

“Oh, it’s you.” Gen sneered.

Gen...Genevieve. We used to be best friends, but post middle school for reasons having to do with her popularity, and my lack thereof. We are no decidedly, not.

At least school was the same.

“Cute boots,” Gen spoke as she eyes my boots with clear distaste.

“Thanks, they’re vintage,” I did my best to smile.

“And they’re amazing! Not everyone can rock the, but Y/N can really pull them off.”

Christine...Chris. Gen’s cousin. My best friend. My only friend really.

And then walked in the devil’s boyfriend. Shawn.

“Hey babe,” he said as he wrapped his arms around Gen’s stomach, and kissed her lightly on the temple.

“Hiiii.” Gen said sweetly.

“How’re you doing?”

“Oh I’m good, how are you?” She cooed back, clearly enamored by Shawn.

Shawn, you remember him. From seventh grade. From the letter. That’s this Shawn. Gen’s Shawn. Seventh grade, my first real boy girl party, and well, everyone knew that Shawn and Gen, who at the time was still my bestie, only liked each other. And it was at the first long awaited boy girl party that I had my friend kiss….with Shawn. It was only a spin the bottle kiss, but it was a kiss.

“I was just complementing Y/N on her adorable boots,” Gen said to Shawn, “Come on, there are more important people to talk to.”

Gen waltzed away from the them leaving Chris, me, and Shawn to stare uncomfortably after her.

“She just stopped drinking caffeine for a, uh, diet, I think.” Shawn mumbled as he tugged on a few of his shorter curls. “She’s just going through withdrawls.”

“Are you sure she doesn’t just have a chemical imbalance?” I retorted.

“Right,” Shawn said as he turned and walked away.

____

Lunch came around, and everything was wrong again. Ari was my go to lunch date. And now I was alone, yet again.

I ended up on the bleachers, next to Josh. Which wasn’t awkward at all.

“I gotta ask,” Josh asked quietly as I sat next to him. “Did she tell you? You guys talk about everything, and I just….”

“She didn’t tell me about this,” I shook my head.

“Well, we’re still cool, right?”

“Yes, we’re cool.”

We ate lunch then, in complete silence. And before you say anything about it, I know what you’re thinking. We really were cool. However I felt about him, I would never do that to Ari.

____

“This cafeteria is soooooo much bigger than at the elementary school,” Sof squealed. “And everyone wanted to sit by me, oh my god it was just so cool.”

“Yeah, I can totally relate,” I mumbled as we both got into the car.

One more drive and we’d be home free. One day of driving down….hundreds more to go. I waited for Sofia to buckle up, before I began to pull out.

“Woah, hey.” I heard a voice that sounded shockingly like Shawn Mendes.

Sofia laughed, “You really are going to get us killed.”

I shut my eyes closed, hoping maybe Shawn would forget about almost just getting hit by a car. But the tap on my car window said otherwise. I rolled down the window. Honestly, running him over may have been less painful, at least for me.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” I sounded mortified even to myself.

“How ya doing?” Shawn asked with a smile on his face. He was bent down so he was at eye level with me (which made everything a million times worse because his eyes were fucking gorgeous and I was going to fucking die).

“Good.”

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Yeah,” I whispered.

“You know people usually check behind them before they reverse? You know...to avoid killing others. It’s a thing we do.”

“Yeah, well, I’m just not, completely comfortable with the mirrors in this car yet.” I stuttered.

Sofia laughed from her seat, and really I would have liked to have run her over with my car.

“Yeah, clearly. You think you’re going to be able to make it out of the parking lot...or?”

“No, no we’ll be just fine. So you should just go, yeah, we’re fine.”

“Yeah, whatever you say.” He pointed at Sofia in the car, “Hey uh, you’re in charge.”

Shawn walked away, and I rolled up my window as Sofia said, “Who was that?”

“That was Shawn Mendes.”

We sat in the parking lot for a few minutes before Sofia said, “So, are we gonna go home?”

“Yeah, of course. We’re just going to wait for all the cars to leave first.”

____

“You know, Y/N, if you had a boyfriend, maybe you wouldn’t have to drive at all cus he would take us places” Sofia spoke as they were both sat lounging on the couch watching an episode of Stranger Things on Netflix.

I turned to look at Sofia, “If that’s what it takes, I think you’re stuck with me for a while. Sorry Sof.”

“I don’t know, what about that guy you almost killed?”

“He’s dating Gen.”

“So?”

She really was too young to understand these things apparently. Shawn Mendes was taken. A couple like Shawn and Gen don’t just break up. They’re together for at least the entirety of high school. They’re the It Couple. They’re the ones that go on to get married and become high school sweethearts. People like Shawn Mendes don’t leave girls like Gen for other girls like me.

“You know, it’s not just that.” Sofia shifted on the couch to lean against me. “Don’t you find it kind of odd that we’re at home on a Friday night, watching tv again?”

“No?”

Sofia sighed, clearly frustrated with me. “Y/N, I’m not saying this to make you feel bad, but I’m eleven. And I cancelled plans to be here tonight, and well you’re sixteen. And you never have plans.”

“That is way harsh.”

“The truth hurts, Y/N.”

____

Running the mile would most likely be the death of me. Chris, God bless that girl, was keeping pace with me despite the fact that she could have easily passed me by now. Only two more laps were left, or was it three? I was honestly just banking on Chris knowing or the coach to stop us at the right time. This could quite possibly be the third year in a row that I failed to make the time for the mile, but I wasn’t about to start practicing for this or anything.

“Hey!” I heard a voice from behind me.

I looked over at Chris to see if she was talking to me, but she just shrugged her shoulders at me.

“Hey! Y/N,” I slowed down, looking behind me.

It was Shawn. Shawn Mendes.

“Can I talk to you?” He asked.

“Um, me?” I asked, still slowly jogging alongside Chris and with Shawn trailing behind.

“Hey, SM, I heard my cousin dumped you for a college freshman, that true?”

“Uh, I heard you have horns, that true, Chris?”

“Yep, they’re red and shiny.”

Finally they came to a stop. I was definitely failing the mile. “I need to talk to you, Y/N. Uh, alone,” Shawn eyed Chris.

She hummed, slowly backing away, “Well, if you need me, I’ll uh, yeah.” She ran away and gestured in the direction she was running.

“Listen, I wanted to say that I’m flattered, and I appreciate it. But it’s just never gonna happen.”

“I’m sorry, what? What are you talking about?”

Clueless was a pretty good word for this moment.

“Look, from what I remember of that kiss it was hot, for it being in seventh grade, and I think it’s really cool that you think my eyes like sparkle or something.”

And it was in that moment that you saw it. The letter. Yes, the letter. The letter that you’d written to Shawn, never to be given to Shawn. The letter professing your all consuming seventh grade sized love for the boy that had been dating your best friend’s cousin for months. This could not be happening. How did he get that letter? Who sent him that letter? Did the others have letters too? Shawn was still talking, saying something about how he and Gen were just so fresh, he couldn’t start anything else. But I wasn’t listening, I looked over his shoulder and saw what was quite possibly my worst nightmare.

Josh.

Josh, who was headed towards me and Shawn, holding a eerily similar looking letter in his hand. He looked just as confused as I currently felt, and I did the first thing that I could think of to stop the oncoming questions Josh most definitely had. I kissed Shawn.

Yeah, I know. Not my smartest idea. Not my proudest moment. But I did it, I practically threw myself into Shawn’s arms, and kissed him. And not the seventh grade kind of peck kiss we’d had prior. But a real kiss. Like a, I need to make Josh think I’m in love with Shawn Mendes right now so that he won’t think I’m in love with him kind of kiss.

And just as I pulled away, Shawn looked equally as confused as Josh had before. Before Josh could say anything, I ran past them, back towards the main building. I think I heard Josh call after me as I ran past him, but I definitely did not stop to look back. And that’s how I evaded the two most uncomfortable moments of my life. Or so I thought.

Heading straight for the girls restroom, I locked myself in the nearest stall. Quite literally falling to the ground in a fit of panic. But without even a few seconds of privacy, the door opened.

“Hey, Y/N, you in there?”

“No.”

What the fuck. Why would I actually say no?

And then, another letter, this one addressed to Lucas, was being slipped under the stall door.

“Look, I just saw you run in here, and I wanted to make sure you were okay,” Lucas said from the other side of the stall door. “I thought you might want that back.” He meant the letter, “It seemed a little personal.”

“Lucas, I wrote this years ago,” I said as I finally made my way out of the stall. It looked like this wasn’t a conversation I could get out of.

“Freshman homecoming, right? I had a lot of fun that night too,” Lucas looked at me. He had kind eyes. “But I thought I should tell you, I’m gay. You know that right?”

“Yeah!” I said overly excited, “Of course, I totally knew that.”

I definitely did not know that.

“Okay.”

____

The letters are out. They’re out. There’s nothing I can do about it. Silver lining. Kenny’s letter was addressed to the dorms at camp, so he’ll at least never know about my crush.

“You really oughta relax,” you heard Josh’s familiar voice in your head. Great, hallucinations. So I was officially insane. Maybe I sent the letters out myself and didn’t even remember. “I know you love me.”

“Loved. Past tense. You’re Ari’s.”

“Dear Josh, I lie awake at night. And sometimes I wonder what it would be like to run my fingers through your hair. What it would be like to lie and stargaze with y--”

“Shut up! You’re not real.”

From your window, you could see Josh approaching your front door. Awesome.

“I’m more real to you than he is,” the Josh in your head responded.

Not even seconds later I heard dad calling for you from downstairs, “Josh is here!”

Time to face the music, I guess.

Orrr, I could always climb out the window. Which seemed infinitely like the better choice than having to tell your sister’s ex boyfriend that you used to love him. Yeah, I’m definitely going out the window. Stepping out of the window seemed easy, until I tripped and fell. I rolled down the small roof, and yep, right onto the fucking grass. But whatever, it’s fine. That’s the price I pay for avoidance I guess. I grabbed my bike from the front porch and hightailed it to the diner across town.

I sat in peace, drinking an amazing strawberry milkshake, until Shawn came in and sat down. Right. Next. To. Me.

“Hey, Y/N.”

Would it be possible to ignore him?

He ordered a chocolate shake and waited for you to say something.

“Whatcha doing here?” I decided on casual avoidance. Pretend like the elephant didn’t exist and it would disappear, right?

“I’m just here to take down a delicious chocolate shake, eh?”

“Cool, cool.”

“Actually, I stopped at your house and your sister said you’d probably be here.”

I was going to kill Sofia.

“Look, I just wanna be super clear. I’m flattered, for real, I am. But like, Gen and I just broke up.”

“Are you trying to reject me right now,” I asked with disinterest.

“Well, yeah. Cus it didn’t really seem like it...got through to ya, the first time, back there, at school?”

“Shawn Mendes, I’m not trying to date you.”

“Okay, like I hear you, but you’re not really acting like that.”

“Listen, here’s the situation. I don’t actually like you. I just kissed you, so it looked like I liked you so that someone else wouldn’t think I liked him.”

Yes, great, tell him all the details. It’s not like the situation was embarrassing enough as it is.

“Oh okay, who’s that?”

“What?”

“You gotta tell me who the guy is, or I’m just really not gonna believe you.”

“No,” I shook my head furiously. No way was he getting that out of me.

“Okay well, then I’ll just tell the rest of the school that you wrote me a love letter.”

“Um, no okay, no. It’s uh, Josh Sanderson?”

“Wait, doesn’t he date your sister?”

“Well, he dated my sister. Like past tense. And he also got a letter, so you can see how awkward and complicated that whole situation could get. And thus why I needed to kiss you.”

Shawn held his hand up as if to tell me to stop, “Wait woah, you sent more than one letter?”

I shook my head.

“Wow, you really think you’re special and then you find out she wrote letters to two guys.” Shawn depressingly sipped from his chocolate shake.

“Uh, yeah. There were actually five letters.”

“You sent five love letters. Damn, Y/N, you’re a player. Who else?”

“If I tell you, will you leave me alone?”

Shawn mumbled a bit, “Maybe.”

“Okay, Lucas James.”

“But he’s...gay.”

“You don’t know that,” I tried to play it cool.

“Everyone knows that.”

I DID NOT KNOW THAT. Why was I the only person who didn’t know that Lucas was gay? Was I really that blind?

“Who else?”

“Someone from camp and someone from the fifth grade. Are we good here?”

“Uh, uh yeah.” I got up to leave before Shawn’s hand touched my wrist, “Wait wait, let me take you home?”

“So...what are you gonna tell Josh?” Shawn asked as his Jeep pulled up to the front of my house.

“I guess the truth.”

“But what is the truth? Do you like him...do you not?”

“It’s not your problem, Shawn.” You smiled as you hopped out of the Jeep, grabbing your bike from the back.

“Hold up, Y/N,” Shawn called as he ran up beside you. “What if you didn’t tell him?”

“What?”

“What if...we let people...think we were together? And like..not just Sanderson, but everyone?”

“Why would you want that?”

“Well Gen went nuts when she heard that you kissed me. And if she thinks we’re a thing, she’ll want to get back together.”

“Oh, so you wanna use me as your pawn?”

“Well,” Shawn rolled his neck a little, “technically you already used me as yours.”

You were decidingly going to ignore that comment. You headed closer to the front door, kicking the stand on your bike and letting it go.

“Look, you don’t have to give me an answer now, just maybe think about it?”

“Bye Shawn,” I threw over my shoulder, ignoring his last statement completely.

Fake dating Shawn Mendes, yeah fucking right. Like that would ever happen.

#shawn mendes fic #shawn peter raul mendes #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes #imagine #shawn #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes x reader #shawn mendes fluff #friends to lovers #i guess kind of #my writing

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ijustreallylovezebras · 6 years

Text

Breathe

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: The reader grew up with the Avengers, she doesn’t know how to talk to them about some things (this can kinda link in with Family, but it has no direct correlation really)

Requested: No

Warnings: Panic attacks

“Peter?” I mumble, pushing the door open to the boy’s room. The lights are all off and in the dimness I can just make out Peters figure sprawled across the bed, half of his body not under the covers as a result of the warm summer night.

It was a routine at this stage. Since moving into the tower for week days (he still stayed with May on the weekends) I found myself coming into Peter’s room often. He didn’t mind, though. Sometimes he would get nightmares about missions he had been sent on that hadn’t gone entirely his way and would be appreciative of the company.

One of us made sure to wipe FRIDAY every morning of the footage of me sneaking into his room, both of us dreading the day that one of the Avengers would discover our relationship that we had been keeping so well hidden.

I took a few steps forward into his room, the feeling of uncertainty creeping up on me as it always did, even though I knew he didn’t mind me being there. Even though I had been doing it for months now.

“Peter?” I ask again, a little louder. Peter murmurs something incoherent but shifts over to the side nearest the wall, allowing me space to clamber in next to him.

Even in his half-asleep state he wraps me in his arms, bringing me closer to press a kiss on my forehead.

“Love you,” sleep slurs his words but they make me smile nonetheless as I snuggle closer into his body, seeking comfort I found so difficult to find now in the warmth of my boyfriends body.

“Love you too,” I murmur, nuzzling my head into his next to press a kiss there before curling up, content that I would actually get some sleep.

“You need to tell them,” Peter says the next morning over breakfast. The kitchen was empty, some of the team still asleep, those who were awake having already eaten and gotten to work. Peter was awake and dressed for school, I was sat on the kitchen counter with a bowl of cereal, still in my pyjamas.

“About what? Us or...?”

“Both,” Peter says, coming over to the counter and placing his bowl in the sink, going to wash it up but I put a hand on his wrist.

“I can do it,” I tell him, smiling a little. Peter chuckles, moving so he’s stood between my legs, his arms on either side of me on the counter, caging me in. I put my breakfast to the side and wrapped my arms around him, nestling my face contentedly into his neck. “I don’t want to tell them,” I murmur and Peter’s hands slide up my body so that one is in my hair and the other is holding my lower back.

“I know it’s hard, but you need to, Y/N, they can help you,”

“You help me,” I point out and Peter sighs, moving back to kiss me.

“But I can’t be with you all the time, especially since they don’t know about us,”

“We could tell them about us,” I point out, kissing him once more.

“I’m too young to die, Y/N,” Peter says seriously and I giggle, placing my head back on his shoulder, loving the feeling of being close to him.

“I wouldn’t let them hurt you,” I tell him, yawning a little and Peter hums in agreement.

“I’ll see you this evening,” he says, pulling away but I hold onto his hand, hopping off the counter to pull him nearer to me again for a kiss.

“I love you,”

“I love you too,”

Peter leaves, picking up his backpack from the seat he had left it on, grinning at me over his shoulder as he leaves for school. Half of me, as it always did in the mornings when Peter left, wished that I was going to Midtown too.

“FRIDAY, can you please delete the footage of Peter and I in the kitchen?” I ask.

“Of course, Miss Y/L/N,”

“What you got today then, Y/N/N?” Clint asks, coming into the kitchen a few minutes later, bag slung over his shoulder, clearly ready to return home to his family.

“Pot of coffee on the counter,” I tell him, returning my gaze to the history text book that lay open in front of me.

“Korean war?” Clint asks after pouring himself a mug of coffee and sitting next to me, pulling the open text book over so it sat in front of him and he could read the information as well.

“You heading home, Uncle Clint?” I ask, jotting down another note before looking at him.

“Yeah,” he confirms, giving me a smile that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle up. “They miss having you around, Y/N, you should come visit some time,”

“I will, I just got a lotta work,”

“There’s a lot of work to do on the farm, too, kid. That’s more important than this bullshit,” Clint tells me, closing my book and I groan loudly.

“Uncle Clint!” My uncle just gives me a mischievous smile as Steve, Bucky and Sam come into the room, dripping with sweat from their morning runs.

“I won,” Bucky informs me, going over to pour a glass of water from the tap as Steve comes over to kiss the top of my head in greeting, as he did every morning.

“Morning Uncle Steve,” I say, scrunching up my nose. “You guys stink,”

“It’s called exercise, Y/N, you should try it some time,” Sam sasses and I stick my tongue out at him.

Half a week later, Monday rolls around. I hadn’t been sleeping well as a result of Peter’s absence from the compound as he visited May, causing me to be distracted during my study periods, especially when I was trying to learn physics, a subject that I found boring regardless.

“Uncle Bruce!” I call out, walking into the science lab where Bruce was working. He lifted up his safety glasses as I came over, a smile on his face.

“Hello, Y/N,”

“Can you help me?” I ask, waving around the physics textbook. Bruce halts my actions by taking the book from my hands at the page I had marked.

“Come on, kid,” Bruce says, leading me over to his desk and drawing up the chair from Tony’s for me to sit in as he began to talk the theorem over.

“And these are the science labs. Dr Banner will be here somewhere, probably hard at work,” Bruce and I are taken out of our study session by Tony’s voice. A mass of footsteps follow behind him and Bruce and I share a look of confusion. I can tell that there’s a little bit of horror mixed in with mine, though, as Tony rounds the corner, followed by a group of teenagers.

There’s little comfort I can find even in finding Peter’s face in the crowd of students, along with his two friends that I had met before - Ned and Michelle. My knuckles tighten involuntarily around my pen and I find myself rooted to the spot, feeling as though I was facing my worst nightmare.

“Who’s that?”

“Who’s she?”

“Is she an Avenger?”

The whispers amongst Peter’s peers are nowhere near as quiet as they seem to imagine they are as they spot me. Tony sees me shortly after the whispers start and he gives me a grin.

“That’s Y/N,” Tony answers simply, as though that is the only introduction the teenagers need. I wish that were the case. I don’t want to know them. I don’t need to know them.

I can feel my breathing starting to get shallow as every eventuality of this meeting plays out in my head. I can’t breathe. My chest rises and falls as though I’ve just run a marathon as I attempt to gasp for air.

“Kid, you alright?” Even Bruce’s rough voice that normally calms me down cannot stop the rapid movement of my chest. I feel like I’m drowning.

“I - uh -” I finally gain some control over my limbs as I stumble up, out of my chair.

I gesture wildly over my shoulder, knocking into pretty much everything in my path as I hopelessly attempt to leave the lab through the back exit, not wanting to have to navigate my way through the mass of students who are gawping at me, still trying to figure out who I am.

If someone follows my exit from the lab I don’t hear them, too caught up in finding a safe spot to breathe in. I find a corner in the back hallway that I know won’t be on the tour as it’s just the short-cut from the rooms to the labs. I collapse into it, wrapping myself up as small as possible in my arms, my head buried between my knees as I just try to breathe.

“Hey, Y/N/N, you’re alright,” the voice is gentle, coaxing, but I can’t place it over the roaring mess of my thoughts. I can barely hear it. I cower further into myself, just wanting to hide. “It’s okay, Y/N, just focus on me, on my voice. It’s going to be alright, you’re going to be okay. Just focus on my voice and try to breathe with me,” a choked sob left my lips. I was trying. “I know it’s hard, but you can do it,” the voice mimics breathing and I try to focus on it, breathing as best I can with them, feeling the air rushing back into my lungs, my brain becoming less foggy by the second.

Hesitantly I lift my head, surprised to see Tony in front of me, more concern written across his face in that moment than I had ever seen before.

I allow my head to fall back against the wall behind me, closing my eyes and sobbing. I can hear Tony slowly shift towards me, moving so that he’s no longer squatted in front of me but sat next to me. His arm wraps around me and he lets me cry into his chest for a while.

“Your suit,” I mumble but Tony shakes his head, squeezing me tighter.

“I can change before I go back out there,” I sniff and allow myself to let a few more tears leak out of my eyes.

Tony was never the one who I would go to when I had an issue, particularly an emotional one. Tony was like the fun parent who I didn’t talk about serious things with but I knew loved me regardless, and vice versa. I tended to go to Steve or Bruce, even Bucky when I had an actual problem. But I hadn’t this time. I didn’t want to burden them, I felt weak like this, living with all of these incredible superheroes and struggling with fighting my own brain.

Perhaps if Thor was here then I would have told him, but he was away, trying to rebuild Asgard from its ruins. I only told Peter because I started having nightmares that woke me up screaming at night and I sought the comfort that could only be provided by cuddling him late into the night.

“Come on, kid,” Tony says, his voice soft, trying to keep me calm as he gently lifted me to my feet. “You going to be okay?” He asks me, hands on my shoulders, bending down slightly to look me in the eye. I sniff and lift a hand to wipe at my nose with my sleeve, well aware that the habit was disgusting but knowing that I looked far worse with snot on my face.

“Yeah,” my voice cracks even as I say it and Tony is quick to wrap me in a hug again.

“Go and shower, change into some pyjamas or something,” he says. “Relax, okay?” I nod, wiping away my tears and turning to walk down the back corridor, up the staircase to the rooms. “I love you kid,” Tony calls after me. That was another thing. I knew Tony loved me, he didn’t feel the need to say it often.

Steam billows out of the shower after me into my room after I change. My eye lids feel heavy and I want to just fall asleep. Peter is waiting for me, though, sat on my bed, concern written all over. He forces a smile though, opening his arms and leaning back on the bed. I collapse into him, curling up into a ball, allowing myself to be completely encased in his arms, his sweater, him.

“Are you okay?” He whispers gently and I nod. “I’m sorry I didn’t come for you,”

“It’s okay,” I mumble, trying my hardest to curl up even closer to him.

“I love you, more than anything,” Peter says, turning on his side so he can wrap his other arm around me too, pulling me as close as we can get to one another.

“I love you too,” I respond, for one not worrying all that much about one of the others finding us. I knew that one of them would come in and check up on me, Tony and Bruce would tell them about what had happened in the lab. I didn’t care though. Peter helped me to breathe easier.

“You could have told us, though, I hope you know that,” the Avengers are gathered around me and I sit on the sofa in the middle of the lounge. Peter sits next to me, holding my hand tightly, squeezing it every now and then to give me reassurance.

“About both things,” Steve speaks up, raising his eyebrow at Peter who blushes and looks away but doesn’t release my hand even for a second.

“No more sneaking into each others rooms,” Bruce says and I shake my head quickly, feeling the panic growing in me at the rule.

“No, please Bruce! I can’t... I can’t sleep on my own,” I say and my words come out too quickly to be seen as natural.

“It’s not appropriate,” Bruce starts but Bucky’s frowning, looking at me confused.

“What was that?” He asks, coming forwards slightly.

“I get nightmares,” I confess and I hate the way that my voice shakes a little. “Peter... I don’t get them with him. We don’t do anything inappropriate, I promise, we just sleep,” I direct the last comment towards Bruce whose brow is furrowed as he takes in the information. “I’m sorry,” I whisper.

The comment causes ruckus to break out from every hero as they all insist I have nothing to be sorry for.

“Don’t you ever apologise for something that you can’t help,” Natasha tells me, a deep frown on her face as she stands with her arms crossed looking at Peter and I.

Wanda takes a seat next to me on the sofa and pulls me into a side-hug, ensuring that my hand can still remain securely wrapped with Peters.

“We’ll love you no matter what,” she says to me.

I smile and lean my head on her shoulder.

“How long has it been going on for?” Steve asks.

“What? This,” I gesture between Peter and I, “or... that?”

“Either. Both,”

“I’ve been dating Peter for about five months” I notice Peter’s smile widen at my words and I blush, still keeping my head rested on Wanda’s shoulder. “But... they’ve been happening for three,” I say.

“Three months... Since-” I nod, cutting off Sam’s unasked question.

“Are the nightmares about that?” Steve asks gently, coming forwards and crouching in front of me. I sniff and nod, retrieving my hand from Peter’s at long last to wipe the tears away before they can fall.

“Oh, Y/N,” Bucky sighs, coming over to crouch next to Steve, a gentle smile on his face, “I’m okay, you know that?”

Three months ago, I had been out in town with Bucky late at night. We had been jumped and Bucky had been injured badly and the men left him bleeding out on the street. I was battered and bruised but nothing too bad but I never got over the image of Bucky lying there on the pavement, blood pouring out of him.

I nod hesitantly and Bucky is quick to hug me tightly.

“I’m okay, see? I’m not going anywhere, kid,”

As Bucky attempts to comfort me, I hear Steve talking to Peter in a quiet, hushed voice.

“Thanks for looking after her,”

“I love her, Mr Rogers,”

“We’ll get you help, Y/N, if that’s what you want, okay? But we don’t want you to feel forced to do anything, alright?” Tony speaks and the rest of the team are quick to agree with his words as Bucky lets me go and I sink into Peter’s side, feeling slightly overwhelmed by the love and support the team are insisting upon giving me at this present time.

“If you want to wait for Thor to return before you take any action, we can do that too,” Steve adds, knowing that I had always been especially close to the God.

“Maybe... I just don’t want to think about it right now,” I admit, letting out a little laugh and Peter kisses the top of my head.

“We have cheesecake in the fridge,” Sam points out. “We could get that and some other snacks out and watch a film?” He offers. The team look at me and I nod, grinning at the suggestion.

“Not Star Wars, though,” Wanda is quick to add and everyone looks at Peter who pulls a face.

“Told you you’d be fine,” Peter whispers to me as the team bustles about getting ready for our impromptu movie night.

“Only fine because you’re here,” I insist, curling into a ball, burrowing further beneath Peter’s arm and into his side.

“I love you,” he says, leaning down to catch my lips with his.

“Okay, I know I said I liked the kid, but you guys don’t need to do that in front of us,” Tony whines and everyone laughs.

‘Series’ Masterlist

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