#some robot shenanigans afoot

[thebibliomancer]

Essential Avengers: Avengers #287: INVASION!

January, 1988

A New Year! We’re getting closer to the 90s! A time where bad art roams the book, Black Knight’s romantic life becomes the big central axis of the plot, and leather team jackets!

This is all what I’ve heard about the 90s. Looking forward to seeing it myself. I’ve been surprised before!

But I’m getting two years ahead of myself and there’s an ongoing story here that bridged ‘87 to ‘88.

As you may guess from this wild cover, its about the Fixer.

Last time on Avengers: the Masters of Evil tried to destroy the Avengers and failed but did beat Hercules into a coma and wreck Avengers Mansion. Hercules is fine. He got kidnapped back home and his dad got super mad at the Avengers but we’re past that now. The Mansion being destroyed has caused the Avengers to move to Hydrobase, an artificial island that they were renting to park their Quinjets on.

Wasp stepped down from chairwomanship of the team and since the people with seniority like Captain America and Thor were too busy and since the ambitious like Dr Druid were too new, Monica Rambeau Captain Marvel was the obvious choice.

Dr Druid may be trying to undermine her though. He was certainly being a creep last issue. Spying on people, going over her head. That kind of thing.

Also last issue, the Fixer escaped custody thanks to a failsafe in his equipment that went off and controlled a random scientist named Todd Martin to bust him out of jail.

Fixer has some Big Plan to Fix Things and tried to collect the Awesome Android for his plan but drove away empty handed when the Avengers showed up. But Namor’s wife and former Alpha Flightateer Marrina tried to show she Wasn’t Just A Love Interest and went off and got herself captured by the Fixer.

Namor doesn’t know that yet.

He’s just doing a frighteningly intense close-up because she ran off and didn’t come back.

He stops a couple of random children cyclists and ask if they’ve seen any yellow women around. TO THEIR UTTER CONFUSION.

After Namor flies off, one of the children decides that they must be filming an episode of Star Trek around here.

To be fair... to be fair to be fair to be faiiiiir ... to be fair, Namor does look like Buff Spock.

Though... After the cliffhanger of last issue where Fixer captured Marrina, he just shoves her unconscious out the back of his truck and drives away.

Its a pretty benign way to deal with a capture superhero. Depending on whether Fixer knew another truck would be coming up the road after not too long.

A truck does come up the road after not too long, right where Marrina is sprawled woozily.

Good thing she has sea strengthened limbs!

Namor is drawn by the sound of a truck crumpling over Marrina and she tries to explain what happened to her. Namor decides that the nonplussed truck driver is actually the Fixer in disguise and prepares to punch him but Marrina stops him. In fact, she tells Namor the truck driver may have saved her by slamming the brake when he saw her in the road.

To his credit, Namor does apologize for doing the man a startle.

Elsewhere, the Fixer completes his journey in his truck to a certain warehouse in a certain suburban industrial park, expecting to meet a certain someone.

Back at the Avengers, the Avengers clean up from the Awesome Android fight and explain to the cops why a barn exploded in their presence.

Captain Marvel explains that the Avengers will pay for the damages and I have to imagine someone Tony flinches and doesn’t know why. I wonder if it feels weird to him to be on one team and paying for another.

The cops are bemused.

A cop, looking stereotypically small town coppish, with the jacket and the sunglasses and the hat and jodhpurs for some reason: “Ma’am, we’re just not used to filing reports about super hero fights with giant androids. It’s going to read like a drive-in movie script.”

Also fun fact: the Awesome Android is part organic. Black Knight takes some science scans of the downed automaton.

After Captain Marvel finishes speaking to the cops, Dr Druid drags her off to the side and asks if maybeeeeee she should be sitting down. I mean, she did just get gassed half an hour ago.

Captain Marvel firmly tells him that she’s fine.

But c’mon dude. Make up your mind. You drag her to her feet, loudly insisting it’ll be bad for morale if she’s laying on the ground in front of the team and now you’re telling her to sit down because she shouldn’t be standing.

Are you even a medical doctor?

To prove to Dr Druid that she’s perfectly fine, Monica transforms into energy but its clear that the effort makes her woozy.

Dr Druid is like well if you ask me you sit down but whatever I’m going to go see how the Android is doing.

And speak of the devil and an Awesome Android will reactivate.

The Android stirs back to life and takes a grab for Black Knight who flips out of the way. IN ARMOR. God damn, dude.

One of the cops tries shooting him, to no effect.

And then She-Hulk BOOMPs the Awesome Android in the armpit again and down he goes again.

So. Do you think BOOMP is a loud noise or a soft noise? I think its supposed to be a thunderous noise, like a BOOOOOM with a puh at the end. But she’s basically punching his armpit-based off switch so it could be more of a button pressing chirp like BOOP! with an m in it.

Let me know what you think.

Anyway, the media shows up to interview the Avengers. And they’re pretty excited! Local news never gets to interview the Avengers!

Unfortunately, they’re also very annoying.

The mistake he made there was being annoying at She-Hulk, the one Avenger present least required to be polite.

The press then doubles down by annoying Namor when he shows up with Marrina by asking him if he’s really the ruler of the mythical land of Atlantis.

Namor: “Mythical? No more mythical than the fabled arrogance and ignorance of newmen.”

Reporter: “But that doesn’t answer --.”

Namor: “Indeed, it does.”

Hah.

Sometimes when Namor is in the right mood, instead of just yelling and threatening to hit things, he gets extremely wry and its great.

The weird note from Namor (and Marrina) appearing on the news due to this though is that Dan Smallwood sees the interview and is shocked because that’s his childhood sweetheart! Marrina, I mean. Not Namor. Namor is nobody’s childhood sweetheart. Althoooough, I think he did grow up with Attuma and Dorma? Whatever. No love lost now.

Back at the Fixer side of the plot, in the Fixer’s secret hideout, he finds the guy he was expecting to find. His old pal Mentallo, who he asked to meet him.

Mentallo assumes that the Fixer is here to propose a partnership between them like old times.

Mentallo: “With your power to fix anything -- cobble any object into a weapon... and my invincible ability to read minds and project thoughts, how could anyone stand against us?”

He’s even undaunted by the Fixer wearing a psychic proof helmet despite their long friendship and the time they almost took down SHIELD together.

Mentallo is a little put out when Fixer tentacles him and prepares to torture him though.

That’s a bit of an unwelcome surprise to him.

... I don’t mean to kick a man while he’s being tentacled but having Fixer and Mentallo side by side makes me realize how boring their outfits are. Its fine when its one or the other but both of them... geez, someone get a chest emblem or something.

Back with the Avengers, they’ve finally gotten Awesome Android to a local airfield in preparation for getting him to Hydrobase, with the help of the National Guard.

Not what the National Guard usually deals with so I imagine it was an exciting day for them.

Namor proposes that they immediately get back to searching for the Fixer for being a heinous dude who shoves underwater women out the back of trucks.

Captain Marvel says yeah sounds great except they need to make sure the Awesome Android is securely secured before they go flying off somewhere. He could do a lot of damage if he woke up again and She-Hulk wasn’t here to punch him in the armpit.

She-Hulk concurs because Monica is the leader and also, pffft, its just the Fixer. Who gives a care?

Black Knight is more concerned that they don’t know what the dude is up to. Concerns validated when Dr Druid receives a psychic scream-o-gram from Mentallo who is being tortured by the Fixer.

Dr Druid broadcasts it to the rest of the team. Which is extremely funny because he seems pained by receiving the message but Monica is just like ‘huh, how about that.’

Whatever else you can say about Dr Druid, props for only broadcasting the helpful part of the message?

Namor repeats his proposal that they go find and beat up the Fixer, which Captain Marvel agrees to.

She tells the team to get back in the Quinjet except Marrina. Because someone needs to finish delivering the Awesome Android to Hydrobase and heyyyy you drew the short straw of not technically being officially on the team, Marrina!

Namor doesn’t say anything but I imagine he’s secretly relived Marrina will be out of the action. Given their conversations last issue. And how she ran off to prove herself and immediately got captured.

Anyway. The Avengers in their Quinjet head towards the location they got from Mentallo’s distress scream.

Not being an experienced superhero, Dr Druid finds it strange that an innocuous warehouse is a secret villain lair but She-Hulk tells him that’s pretty routine for supervillains.

Then an anti-air gun pops out of the warehouse and shoots down the Quinjet.

Oof, ow, Tony’s gonna be feeling that one in the budget sheet.

The Avengers tear themselves free of the wreckage, not much worse for the wear. Superheroes!

The secret supervillain warehouse lair fires missiles at the heroes but that just gives the Avengers an opportunity for them all to show off a little.

Namor catches the missiles and throws them right back at the warehouse.

Black Knight spins his sword to deflect the missiles because he saw Thor do it with his hammer and he wanted to give it a try.

She-Hulk just hops over the missiles and Captain Marvel blasts a missile heading towards her, despite still recovering.

Namor declares “enough games” and charges in through the hole he missiled. Electric cables tentacle at Namor and electrocute him but he grabs those cables and uses them to shock the machine that they came from.

She-Hulk: “Subby -- you okay? Looked like --”

Namor: “I will survive, She-Hulk. Namor ever has.”

That’s pretty cool, Namor.

In a recent comic, someone tries to electrocute him and tells them it was dumb to expect much from that tactic when he plays with electric eels for fun.

So, there’s an answer. Namor electrocutes himself recreationally.

There’s an additional layer of trap/security beyond the anti-air, missiles, and electric cables though.

A powerful fan starts up and sucks the Avengers into two separate pneumatic tubes.

She-Hulk and Black Knight end up in one. Dr Druid is also there, for some reason, and She-Hulk catches him so he doesn’t go into the fan. But that doesn’t leave her a hand for Dane and he goes hurtling at the turbine blades.

But he gets an idea.

An exceptionally cursed sword idea.

That must have made a sound like rocks in a garbage disposal but times a thousand.

Geez, that extremely cursed sword really fucked up that fan.

Namor and Captain Marvel ended up stuck in the other pneumatic tube, without a single extremely cursed sword to bail them out...

Even though Captain Marvel doesn’t feel like she can change into her energy form, she tells Namor to let her go so he can save himself.

He tells her nuts to that and rips a hole in the side of the pneumatic tube and carries them both to safety.

The safety of a dark corridor but, y’know, still better than where they were.

Captain Marvel: “I’m the leader of the Avengers, and it’s time I began acting in that capacity! This is where my power may aid us.”

And she summons all her reserves to turn into an energy Monica, to light up the corridor AND keep pace with Namor.

Namor: Such a very brave young woman -- not yet up to the task she undertakes... but unwilling to use weakness as an excuse. In truth, she possesses the qualities of leadership, though she has doubt.

She’s not able to maintain her energy form for long but right as she falters, She-Hulk BA-WHOOMs through the wall, reuniting the two halves of the team.

Captain Monica tells Dr Druid enough blundering around. Point them directly to where Mentallo is.

Dr Druid points and Captain Marvel has She-Hulk and Namor just tear a straight line to Mentallo.

Yay, teamwork.

Mentallo is still stuck to the wall so the Avengers help him down. Unfortunately, he’s not much help for finding Fixer.

In fact, he’s a bit out of it.

Mentallo: “Don’t know... can only tell you... he forced me to send... the mental summons. Forced -- me... You can’t -- can’t know what his mind is like! It was not the Fixer -- I -- I knew! The cerebral feedback -- unimaginable! His mind -- huge -- alien! ALIEN!”

And then he passes the fuck out.

Okay. That’s a “the plot thickens” if I’ve ever heard one.

Several hours later and also the next page, the Avengers happen to unravel part of the mystery at Hydrobase.

Since the team got back, Captain Marvel has been standing by and letting Dr Druid run the show.

Mmmmmnope. I don’t like it. Don’t like it at all.

But that’s the situation.

Dr Druid is arranging the Awesome Android to be placed in a containment tube, so She-Hulk won’t have to keep bopping him in the armpit.

 But he realizes that the containment tube has been recently tampered with! Dun dun dun?

Team Scientist Black Knight goes to check it out and fiiiinds...

The Fixer??

Oh, hey, mission accomplished. Bad guy caught. Lets break early for drinks.

One thing though... How did he get in the tube?

Because that’s really the real Fixer, as far as Dr Druid can tell after examination. But he’s been heavily sedated.

So he probably didn’t do a lot of drugs and stuff himself into a capsule to troll the Avengers, right?

Well, Captain Marvel has some insight about that.

Since she’s consistently the one who does her homework, she knows that tube is supposed to contain... THE SUPER-ADAPTOID!

A ridiculous AIM android that adapts to the abilities of adversaries.

It was originally sent to super-adapt Captain America but also fought the Avengers, looking like a truly ridiculous mash-up.

(There’s something charming about the first iteration of the Adaptoid just being palette swap Captain America Player 2. And I called it ridiculous but yes, the ridiculous mash-up is also charming for being a mess.)

Despite being able to copy eight people at a time, the Super-Adaptoid has been thwarted multiple times at the world domination game.

After its most recent defeat, the Super-Adaptoid was brought to Avengers Mansion to be held in a containment tube. But supervillains always break out of jail, even containment tube Avengers Mansion jail.

Somehow, (totally the Fixer’s fault) the Super-Adaptoid escaped when the Masters of Evil were busting up Avengers Mansion. It super-adapted the Fixer and then shoved the Fixer in the containment tube to cover its escape. Because the Avengers didn’t check the containment tube contents before transport.

Sort of a fail there, guys. But things were hectic after the Masters of Evil attack so you get a pass, this time.

But, hey, I’m impressed that the wrecking of the mansion is still paying out consequences! Really makes it feel momentous in the team history!

Captain Marvel warns the team that if the Super-Adaptoid is super-adapting this group of Avengers, they might be in some real trouble.

I mean, sheesh, Captain Marvel, Namor, She-Hulk, and also Dr Druid is there for some reason. Thankfully, Black Knight has no powers except owning an extremely cursed sword and I don’t thiiiiink the Super-Adaptoid can super-adapt magic.

But the Super-Adaptoid the Fixer has made his way to Queens to make a recruitment pitch to Machine Man.

If X-51 helps “the Fixer” with his schemeplan, he’ll bring Jocasta back to life.

No, don’t do it, Aaron! Be a good machine man!

On the other hand, Jocasta is neat... Uh, maybe go for it?

Follow @essential-avengers​ because we like Jocasta here. She’s rad. Like and reblog, if you liked this post and think others would like it.

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Science

Premee Mohamed: [wearing lab coat and goggles] according to my calculations, this story is about the technology of the near future King: wow! are you really a scientist? Mohamed: according to my calculations, yes King: wow! King: hey, as a scientist, you’ll love this King: have you seen margaret Atwood’s writing machine? Mohamed: is this AI

Mohamed: hello girl Mohamed: do you want a biscuit girl huh Margaret Atwood: [under cardboard box, through vocoder] BEEP BOOP RETWEETOTRON NO LONGER NEEDS HUMAN FOOD Mohamed: Mohamed: something’s not right here

Mohamed: wait a minute none of this makes sense King: what do you mean? Mohamed: by my calculations, the technology necessary for retweetotron to work simply does not exist King: what are you saying? Mohamed: i believe shenanigans are afoot

Mohamed: i believe this is no machine! Mohamed: this is just margaret atwood under a cardboard box! King: oh come on premee, that’s ridiculous King: you’re saying that margaret atwood’s just been under that box this whole time? Atwood: [through vocoder] uhhh SYNTAX ERROR! ABORT RETRY FAIL!

Mohamed: I’m telling you, that’s just margaret atwood King: come off it! Poe: i think we’d know if that was margaret Barker: yeah how would that work? She’s just hanging out under a box? King: i thought you were a scientist! King: some scientist! can’t even recognize a robot! Mohamed:

Mohamed: prepare for a future of unrelenting environmental disaster King: surely, though, scientists will help us avoid this mess? Mohamed: Mohamed: sorry pal, that boat’s sailed Mohamed: the only way out is through

[versegm]

What they don’t tell you about Chaldea is that once you get past the most obvious of bullshits (the literal apocalypse, whatever was happening during Christmas, the fucking Gudagudas,) you still end up with a large amount of very small bullshits that make absolutely no sense.

Case in point:

There is beer in the fridge.

Why is there beer in the fridge.

Goredolf’s first thought, is, naturally, that one of the servants must have made some. They’ve got so many servants here; it’s not that far-fetched to imagine that one of them might be into brewing their own stuff. He’s heard of at least one who makes her own wine (and has been throughoutly warned to never drink any of it.)

He picks up a bottle and examines it closer. The side of it reads Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster – guaranteed to get drunk even those with debuff immunity! There’s a pictogram of a skull with an ahoge beneath it.

Okay. So. This was, presumably, picked up in a store. This explains how it found its way here, except for one tiny little detail:

What fucking store the whole world was bleached???

And no, don’t bring up any of the other food they eat in Novum Chaldea. These are direct contributions from Beni-Enma (bless her heart; she may be indirectly responsible for one of the most stressful weeks of Goredolf’s life, but she’s also one of the most reasonable and normal servants around. Goredolf will take strong cooking opinions over whatever is going on with the knights of the Round Table any day of the week.)

Clearly, there is Servant Shenanigans afoot.

He could search for the owner of this bottle. They shouldn’t be drinking on duty anyways. And if they have access to intergalactic stores, they could bring back more than just beer. It would be in everyone’s best interests to identify them.

On the other hand: Servant Shenanigans. Goredolf prides himself in being a wise man (lies; he singlehandedly got Chaldea exterminated. He is a fool and an idiot and it’s a miracle that the crew hasn’t realized his uselessness already-) and that means acknowledging that anything servant-related is widely out of his depth. There is strength in withdrawing too. Yes; whatever this is can be dealt with by someone-

“If you leave the fridge open like this we’ll have a hell of a bill to pay.”

The sudden voice startles Goredolf in a calm, dignified way.

“Wow, you’re jumpy. No need to squeak, I’m not here to hurt you.” (For the record, it was not a squeak, it was a perfectly respectable and regular noise.) “Lemme just grab this.” A hand reaches out to take the beer off his palms, and-

Uh.

Goredolf. Isn’t really sure what he’s looking at?

The servant is a woman in a swimsuit. A pretty one, even, (not that it’s relevant) whose blue scarf and tight suit really emphasize her- (we said this is not relevant.) She’s also wearing,

Uh

High boots?

And a helmet?

A strange and complex set of armor over her arms and legs.

Wait, no. Upon closer inspections, these seem closer to some sort of robotic suit.

This is. Certainly a confusing outfit.

Ignorant (or uncaring) of Goredolf’s plight, the servant tears off the bottlecap and takes a swing at the beer. “Now that hits the spot.” She sighs, pleased.

“… Aren’t you a cop?” Goredolf asks, and yes, he’s aware this is a stupid question, but give him a break, how is he even supposed to react here. He’s not even sure she’s a cop. He’s read the servant files ages ago and this particular one was absolutely incomprehensible.

“Not since you guys hired me I’m not.” She takes another swing, eyeing Goredolf with a pleased expression. “Besides, the casters can debuff cleanse me if an emergency comes up, it’s fine.”

This doesn’t really sound fine, but again, servant shenanigans, not his lane. Goredolf has no claims speaking up when he believes to know better (for instance, when the Master goes off to do something stupidly dangerous and reckless again for the love of god why is no one alarmed by their blatant desensitization to danger this is not normal this is not healthy what the fuck) but for things like this he supposes he should leave it to those heroes of- holy shit her armor just vanished.

A blue jacket materializes over the servant’s shoulders, hiding a grand total of 2% of her skin. The sight strikes him dumb for a couple seconds.

“And you are?” She’s leaning on the counter as she asks, which is not helping Goredolf focus. Come on boy, what are you, some horny teenager?? You see half-naked heroes at the cafeteria every day! Get a grip!!

“Ah, have you not heard of me? I’m Goredolf Musik, Chaldea’s Director! I’m responsible for every major operation here.” He replies, puffing up his chest. And then, because some unfortunate altercations with the Celtic heroes made him realize that was a very vague title to most servants: “I also make desserts on my free time.”

The woman perks up at that second part, which, ouch. It’s good to be known for something. He supposes. “Oh! You’re the pastry guy? These are soo good, I’ve heard the others mention a new chief on the staff, I didn’t know that was you.”

The compliment is a balm on his bruised ego at least. “Well, yes. Not to brag, but I believe my croissants rival most bakeries.”

The woman nods eagerly. Oh, sweet sweet validation. Then, for some reason, she steps closer to him. “You know, Director, I have a favor to ask.”

Flattery would never work on Goredolf (but it did, it did, this fox got him good-) flattery would never work on Goredolf, but it would be rude to not at least hear her out, especially when she calls him by his proper title. “What kind?”

“Well, the Master has been bringing me to battle a lot recently. I’m the go-to when it comes to dealing with berserkers, you understand.” She sighs, putting her beer on the counter. “It’s exhausting. The mana we get from Chaldea is enough to fight, but I was wondering… is there any way for me to get a little extra?”

That seems like a reasonable request. Not one Goredolf thinks he can fulfil, though. “I’ll ask my technical advisors about it. I’m sure something can be done-”

Slender fingers cup his chin. They’re warm, Goredolf registers dimly, train of thought utterly forgotten. Like burning stars. Like an echo of summer.

“I was thinking of something else.” The servants says with a smile.

…

“Oh.”

[official-vf-week]

We are absolutley thrilled to announce the first annual Voltron Force Week! Join us in celebrating the 13th anniversary of our beloved robot show!

Prompt details below the cut!

6/10- Multiverse Monday

Uh oh! There are some interdimensional shenanigans afoot! Paladins, pilots, and cadets, oh my! Have the cadets somehow gone back to 1984 and met their heroes pre-Wade? Or is there a rogue wormhole spitting paladins onto Arus! Get as creative as you like, there are infinite realities!

6/11- Teenage Dirtbag Tuesday

A day to celebrate our favourite trio of miscreants in any way you please!

6/12- G-G-G-Gary Wednesday

Is that a robeast coffin? Accompanied by Lotor's fleet? Lets take some time to get to know the bad guys of the series! What is Lotor's haggarium skincare routine? What ever happened to that one stray Gary left in the nexus? Go wild!

6/13- Original Character Thursday

Who is that mysterious figure darting between bookshelves in the library? Who is that royal advisor in training that keeps following Coran? Introduce us to some of your own original characters! Whether you have one or many, we love them all!

6/14- Fab Five Friday

Lets visit with our beloved five pilots! How do they spend their time sans-cadets? Can they even make it very far before the universe level threat of the week arises? Lets find out!

6/15- Space Ship Saturday

Show off your favorite set of characters you like to make smooch! By the pair, the trio, all the way to the quintets! Bonus points for the more obscure ships!

6/16- Anniversary Day! Free Space

The day has arrived! Celebrate in any fashion you wish! Go crazy, go stupid!

[toastess-with-the-mostess]

Hi hi! Hopefully this reaches the right audience as it's now T-minus one day until anniversary week!

Starting Monday 6/10 all the way to Sunday 6/16 me and my partner in crime @breadstickcat are holding a 13th anniversary appreciation week for Voltron Force (2011)! This is officially dubbed a creation challenge as all the themes are made to be vague enough where any person can draw, write, photoshop, edit, or use whatever other medium they'd like to use for it!

We also have an official blog to keep up with your posts which is @official-vf-week alongside #vfweek2024 just so it's easier to find anyone else's posts on here if they've joined us! P.S We have our own vf dedicated server so hop in whenever you'd like if you want to talk to more people about the show or about voltron in general since we welcome every other version too (link in pinned post)

Descriptions for each prompt are under the cut, hope to see your stuff soon <3

6/10 - Multiverse Monday Uh oh! There are some interdimensional shenanigans afoot! Paladins, pilots, and cadets, oh my! Have the cadets somehow gone back to 1984 and met their heroes pre-Wade? Or is there a rogue wormhole spitting paladins onto Arus! Get as creative as you like, there are infinite realities!

6/11 - Teenage Dirtbag Tuesday A day to celebrate our favorite trio of miscreants in any way you please!

6/12 - G-G-G-Gary Wednesday Is that a robeast coffin? Accompanied by Lotor's fleet? Lets take some time to get to know the bad guys of the series! What's Lotor's haggarium skincare routine? What ever happened to that one stray Gary left in the nexus? How come Wade's robots always look like that? Go wild!

6/13 - OC Thursday Who was that mysterious figure darting between bookshelves in the library? Who was that royal advisor in training that kept following Coran? Introduce us to some of your own original characters, inside and outside the castle! Whether you have one or many, we love them all!

6/14 - Fab Five Friday Let's visit our beloved team of lion pilots! How do they spend their time sans-cadets? Can they even make it far into their R&R before the universe level threat of the week arises? Show some love for the originals!

6/15 - Space Ship Saturday Show off your favorite set of characters you like to make smooch! By the pair, the trio, all the way to the quintets! Bonus points for the more obscure ships!

6/16 - Free Space Anniversary day has arrived! Celebrate in any fashion you wish! Go crazy, go stupid!

[dakt37]

Anyone in the mood for Steve/Tony secret identity shenanigans with a dash of mutual pining?

Behind the scenes I've been wildly obsessed with this ship since about April, and the other day I wrote something that I'm fond of enough to share. It's not a fic really, more of just a treatment with some dialogue scattered about. 2.4k-ish words, present tense because that's the way my brain works. Inspired by a slew of fics I've been devouring this week, but hopefully not close enough to be ripping anyone off.

//

Okay so, it's one of those versions of the Avengers where nobody* knows that Tony Stark is Iron Man. They know he built the suit and is the Avengers' sugar daddy and resident inventor, but they think Iron Man himself is a separate guy, hired by Mr. Stark to be a bodyguard and pilot for the armor. His identity is Top Secret. Heck, at first everyone thought he was a robot. That cat got out of the bag, but it was true enough to tell everyone that he was just pretending to be a robot to protect his secret and not let enemies know of a potential weakness; i.e., that he's squishy under the armor. Plus, if people knew Iron Man was really a man, they'd try to figure out who he is. And Mr. Stark is very serious about wanting to protect his employees. (*Pepper and Rhodey know, and probably Happy? But no one else.)

Well Steve ends up falling for Iron Man anyway. Even not knowing his real name, his face, or even his true voice because it's always modulated (in an obvious way; it's tinny and robotic, part of the Iron Man branding). He gets him in private one day and confesses, in a very adorable and awkward way. Tony panics because honestly he's fallen for Steve too, but he can't let him know that, at least not now as Iron Man. He doesn't quite reject him the way he should-- that is, he doesn't directly say he's not interested. He knows Steve would be able to see straight through the lie, so instead he just keeps insisting that he "can't" return his feelings.

They go back and forth a bit about possible roadblocks. 

"Is it because I'm a man?" 

"What? No, that doesn't make a difference to me." 

"Is it a trust issue?" 

"Of course not, I trust you with my life." 

"Is it because of your boss?" 

Iron Man hesitates because… well yeah! Technically it IS because of Tony Stark. 

Steve sees the opening and presses on, "Would he… let you go if you revealed your identity to me?" 

Iron Man chuckles, to Steve's consternation, "No, he couldn't do that. It's just… he… it's complicated." 

Steve opens his mouth to continue his inquiries, but Iron Man cuts him off. "I'm sorry, Cap. I really, really am." And he flies away, feeling like a jackass and a coward.

Steve meanwhile just feels determined and suspicious. Iron Man isn't afraid of being fired, but there's clearly something to do with Mr. Stark that's holding him back. Steve decides to pay a visit to the Avengers' benefactor to get some clues.

//

Later, Tony is down in an Avengers lab, brooding about the latest fine mess he's found himself in. This secret identity thing is getting to be a real pain in the ass. And if Cap has been paying attention to Iron Man enough to think he's fallen for the Tin Man, then surely he's been paying attention enough to notice how rarely Iron Man and Tony Stark are in the same room together. The armor has an autopilot mode, but it's not so convincing now that people know that Iron Man is a real guy in a suit and not just a robot. 

So Tony has set himself at the task of improving the autopilot. The AI part isn't actually so hard; he's made some pretty personable AIs before. But JARVIS is just a voice; Iron Man also needs to move. Getting the subtleties of natural movement into the armor is tricky business. He runs analyses on video footage of himself to nail down things like how he shifts his weight while standing around, how he gesticulates while speaking, and how he interacts physically with his teammates on the battlefield (a friendly shoulder pat, a hand up, flying with a passenger, etc.)

The movements of the autopilot are getting smoother, but there's still a little lag to non-battle actions, causing the beginnings of a gesture or sentence to seem a bit stilted. Tony uploads his latest iteration of the code into the suit and starts putting it through its paces.

//

It's certainly not the first time Steve has walked in on Mr. Stark working on the Iron Man suit. Between fixing battle damage and adding upgrades, there's usually some pieces and parts scattered around the lab. But today it's the whole suit, assembled and standing apparently of its own accord in the middle of the room. A few wires are connecting it to the ceiling and nearby computers, but they're slack. Data cables and fall-arrest lines maybe, but nothing actively keeping the suit upright. Steve freezes, half hidden behind one of the partitions used to divvy up the lab space. He hasn't announced himself yet, and Mr. Stark is clearly wrapped up in his work. 

Steve stares at the suit, wondering. It's standing unnervingly still, but that doesn't negate the possibility that the pilot is inside, being careful and patient as Mr. Stark circles him and taps various joints. Tony moves to stand in front of the suit, hands on his hips, looking up into the glowing white eyes. Steve's gaze rolls over the pair, noting in an absentminded way that Iron Man's height advantage is at least partly due to the large rocket boosters in his boots. Steve has always known Iron Man to be the same height as himself, if not slightly taller, and he suddenly wonders where the pilot stands without those boots.

Tony lifts a hand and knocks lightly against the chestplate. "Relax, buddy."

The suit shifts, and Steve inhales sharply despite himself. It's like watching his fellow servicemen go from parade rest to at ease; not a huge move, but an assortment of loosening muscles that breathes life into a simple standing pose. Iron Man shifts his weight slightly onto one foot, cocking a hip. His shoulders relax, and his helmeted face tilts down to better meet Mr. Stark's gaze. 

Tony grins. "Hey there." He sounds pretty pleased. "Let's do a voice check. Give me a catch phrase."

"If we can't protect the world, you can be damn well sure we'll Avenge it." Iron Man's voice seems extra robotic, syllables not quite falling where they should. It hitches as well, the last word dissolving into static. Steve frowns along with Tony.

"Oh, gross. That was awful. Downgrade from the last test for sure." Tony cups Iron Man's jaw with one hand, encouraging him to tip his head back. "Bad coil too, sounds like." He taps Iron Man on the neck with one finger, where his Adams apple would be under the armor. Steve swallows reflexively as he watches. "I'll have to get that from the inside," Tony mutters, more to himself than to Iron Man, Steve feels, but then Tony has a habit of doing that to just about everybody.

Tony reaches up to hold Iron Man's jaw in both hands now. His fingers slide along the metal almost like a caress as he tilts the helmet down to face him again. Something twists in Steve's stomach. It's an awfully familiar way to touch another person's face, even though a helmet. Tony's index fingers sweep up and catch in the seam where the golden faceplate meets the red jaw. There's a soft click, one Steve is sure he couldn't have heard if he didn't have enhanced hearing. His breath stops. 

Tony is going to lift the faceplate. He's going to reveal the man underneath. Of course he can, of course he knows who the mysterious pilot is. But they don't know that Steve is there. He's not supposed to know. He promised he'd never pry. Should he announce himself? Run? Just close his eyes?

The faceplate has only come away from the helmet the barest inch when Tony stops. For one wild second, Steve thinks he's been made. Surely one of Mr. Stark's computers picked up his presence. 

"This isn't priority," Tony declares, pressing his thumbs to the corners of Iron Man's mouth slit and closing the helmet with another audible click. "A broken voice box is excusable. Need to make sure you can move right first."

Steve leans on the room divider he's still mostly obscured by, feeling almost dizzy. His stomach twists again, and he's not sure if it's from relief or acute disappointment. He'd never want to break Iron Man's trust, or Mr. Stark's for that matter. But… he'd been so close… he could have finally known… He shakes his head, refocusing on the pair across the room.

Tony has retreated to a nearby workbench, picking up a rubix cube. He tosses it at Iron Man. "Reflex check." The armored man catches it easily. "Let's see your dexterity," Tony prompts next. Iron Man starts twisting the cube, but quickly gets jammed as the blocks don't quite get flush with each other before he tries to twist in a cross direction. Tony chuckles. "It's not a race, buddy. JARVIS, increase finger sensitivity by ten percent." Iron Man pauses, then reassesses the cube, feeling around the sides and smoothing the blocks into place before choosing his next twist. Steve finds it slightly odd that he's not looking down at the cube as he manipulates it, but he supposes that the point is the hand motion and not to actually solve the puzzle. It's important to have spatial awareness even without your eyes, after all. 

Tony grins wide again. "Much better." He takes the cube back and tosses it uncaringly over his shoulder. "Let's work on your people skills. Oh!" He throws his hands up in mock despair, pitching his voice in silly melodrama, "There's danger afoot! Save me, Iron Man!" 

Iron Man tilts his head to face his employer, and Steve would swear he could read fond exasperation in the slight pause before he responds. Or maybe Steve's just projecting his own feelings about Tony's antics. 

"Fear not, citizen," Iron Man deadpans. "Iron Man is here to rescue you." 

Tony bursts out laughing, but is interrupted as Iron Man wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him in. Steve can't help but smirk at the honest to god squeak that Tony emits as Iron Man tucks him tightly into his side. Tony squirms, smacking Iron Man's chest with an open palm as he gasps, "Too tight!! Ease up fifteen percent!" The metal arm around his waist loosens slightly, and Tony slackens with it. He huffs, laying his cheek on Iron Man's shoulder, forehead against his neck. "Careful with your psi there, Romeo. I don't need any civil suits on my hands over cracked ribs."

Iron Man pauses again before replying, "Okay." He shifts his head, looking down at Tony. "Are you injured." His voice still has a bit of a flat quality. Steve hopes Mr. Stark fixes that "coil" in his voicebox before their next team-up. It's hard enough to pick up some of his more subtle inflections through the modulators on a good day; Steve doesn't want to lose any more of his true voice.

"Nah," replies Tony, shifting against the metal arm that's still wrapped firmly around his waist. "Fit as a fiddle. Fit to fly, in fact. Passenger test. Low hover."

Iron Man adjusts his stance, free hand flattening palm-down to activate the flight stabilizer. He lifts Tony with his other arm, helping the smaller man step up onto his metal boots. Tony slides his arms up, wrapping them securely around Iron Man's neck. Steve's stomach does yet another odd twist as his brain supplies him with the word, "embrace."

"Hold on tight, citizen," orders Iron Man, activating his rocket boots and sending them straight up, about two feet off the floor.

Tony is laughing again. It's a light, mirthful sound; not the derisive scoff Steve is used to hearing from him. "That's too cheesy, oh my god. You sound like Cap in an old news reel." Steve startles at the mention of himself.

"I'll ease up on the cheese by fifteen percent," replies Iron Man, echoing Tony's previous comment. 

Tony's eyes sparkle. "Much better. Love to hear that good humor."

"Easy to have good humor with such good company."

"Oh ho! Careful with the flirting out in the field. Can get a guy in trouble."

Flirting. 

The word bounces off Steve's brain, rebounds against the inside of his skull, and then sinks in like a throwing ax lodging into a tree with a 'thunk.'

Flirting. 

Iron Man was flirting with Tony Stark. Tony, the only one on the team who knew his true face. Tony, who so carefully tended to the armor that kept the man inside safe. Tony, who caressed Iron Man's helmeted face, laid his head on his shoulder, twined his arms around his neck. Tony Stark, the most eligible bachelor in the world, who was never known to have the same date twice, let alone to ever be in a real relationship.

The revelation crashed into Steve as if Iron Man himself had tackled him. Iron Man couldn't not date Steve because of his secret identity. He couldn't date him because of his secret relationship. Iron Man and Tony Stark were involved, and hiding it from the world. Iron Man by hiding his face, and Tony by acting the flighty playboy. 

Steve was so shocked, so utterly distracted by the parade of emotions stampeding through him, that he didn't register that the hovering pair was slowly revolving on the spot. At least, not until he heard Tony's alarmed yelp of, "Steve?!" and looked up to find him staring directly at him, wide-eyed, over Iron Man's shoulder.

Tony Stark was not a man who embarrassed easily. In fact he was self-described as shameless. On the surface there was nothing suspect about the sort of tests he was running with Iron Man. Steve would bet bottom dollar that in any other circumstance, Tony would cheekily play up the potentially questionable nature of their current pose, reveling in the salacious humor. But instead he was panicked, caught out. And that clinched it for Steve. He'd stumbled onto a secret affair.

Steve realized his mouth was hanging open, waiting to say words that his brain wouldn't provide. For a second, Tony seemed equally dumbstruck. Then color rushed to his face, and he barked, "Get out!!" 

Steve didn't need telling twice. 

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-06

♪ HS2 HS2 is baaaaack ♪

♪ HS2bloggin here we gooooo ♪

♪ Structural changes on their team but I don’t caaaaare ♪

♪ Already resooolved myself that its NOOOT gonna beee as good ♪ with inattentiveness to details characters like Terezi forgetting-what-they-used-to-know and an obsession with dwelling on traaageeeDEEE without relief-or-considering how weee’d feeeeeeel~ ♪♪♪ --so just gonna enjoy-what-i-caaaaaan about iiit~ ♪♪♪

Okay time for bankruptcy

> CHAPTER 11. History's Most Notorious Haters

Let’s see how effectively my perky new lowered-expectations attitude lets me enjoy this comic  *click*

wut

Oh.  so is this Dave drawing comics about current events or Regular Calliope doing so for our very first lanky look at her presumably-grown-up-more cherub form

> Knight: Keep it real.

HOLY SHIT IT’S DAVEBOT AND ARADIA

so we just get to SEE them?!  just like that???  no buildup or anything?  :D

Okay I’m marking out a little that’s a good sign.  Also what a nerdy cop-out to turn the roboteyes into glasses that’s barely passable which is perfect, the rest of his outfit looks pretty cool tho

DAVEBOT: and thats reason four hundred nineteen why despite my mans many accomplishments i will never acknowledge big skateboardings contrived message that tony hawk is the quintessential skater of our generation ARADIA: o_o DAVEBOT: not in these trying times

Good to see Ultimate Dave is being true to form with regards to the core of his personality

DAVEBOT: beep boop ARADIA: i have told you several times that i was a robot before and i know for a fact you dont have to say beep boop DAVEBOT: hm that sounds fake does not compute ARADIA: david DAVEBOT: mom

I was with this conversation until the last two lines what the fuck

(I’m reading into it aren’t I, Aradia was trying to be atypically proper -- even though she wouldn’t have the frame of reference to know without being specifically told that “Dave” was considered nickname shorthand for the human name David, and thus if she DID know there’s no reason she’d use it except to troll him -- and Dave’s just mocking her response.  Without any shame about his continued weirdness of calling people Mom, and by without any shame I mean he made the choice EXPLICITLY to intentionally evoke the awkwardness.  Wow I got a lot out of two lines.)

(Oh, also alt!Callie’s true Jade-body incarnation here probably prompted her to start using “David” by example.  There, various mysteries solved via a pile of assumptions probably to be disproven in the next couple lines I read.)

The Knight and the Maid stare at each other briefly, having exchanged enough meaningful glances over their time together to know when to drop it.

Would Time players have an easier time gelling this way, like this particular smoothness?  Dropping it just before it gets weird or excessively irritating?

(Overclasspecting)

ARADIA: i think we have exchanged enough meaningful glances over our time together to know when to drop this DAVEBOT: what i enjoy about our conversations is that you just say things like that

OKAY I SNRK’D AT THAT.  That was funny.

Initially.  And now I’m concerned whether Aradia is being controlled by the narrative-speak, or whether they’re both just humorously referencing the meta-text they can both see, or--

ARADIA: oh is that what you enjoy ARADIA: well we are both an infinite number of years old living countless lifetimes at once but thats no reason to waste any of our...

WHAT??!?  She’s an Ultimate Self too?!?

Um, okay!  Yeah!  So they’re BOTH just riffing on the narrative then.  But... why would Dave need a robot body to accommodate his Ultimate Psyche without getting sick but Rose not need it?  I can understand Dirk not needing it because the merging of the full breadth of his multiversal individuality gels well with him being a God of the aspect governing the power of his multiversal individuality, but Aradia?

Were the robot bodies not necessary after all, and the sickness Rose suffered and Obama thought Dave would have suffered some sort of ruse?  Are there shenanigans afoot?  (Or are we going with the “troll biology is better” cop-out?)

She knows how this will play out, having undoubtedly tried this joke on her friend in some timeline or another. Their rapport reflects a unique combination of their matching aspects but greatly differing classes. One a passive but powerful servant to time, the other wielding the aspect like a honed blade.

WH

WHAT????

PASSIVE SERVANT OF THE ASPECT?!? WHAT THE FUCK

Okay if that means anything like it sounds like I guess my class chart is finally blown up, sure, they only waited (*checks last edit date*) SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS TO BLOW THAT GUESS UP, SURE

Wow.  Okay, I feel some obligation to jump to conclusions and say the whole class chart is wrong, but let me stay strapped in to see if “passive” is as literal as one would expect alt!Callie to mean, or it just means “an active class passive compared to other classes”.  And, serving the aspect?  Oh dammit, now people are gonna come at me advocating a Maid / Page dichotomy about actively serving the aspect versus allowing the aspect to be served... or Page / Maid even, jesus

I wish I had enough energy to have those chats anymore.  I’d rather hold on and see the whole ridiculous chart scheme they have in mind... which is definitely (and hopefully) the one Andrew really drew up at the time and not made up by the staff, even if it throws away plenty of my old work...  I’ll just stop thinking about it and keep reading.

...

--no, I don’t think I can just stop thinking about it yet.  Dammit, brain.

So um.  Maids serving their aspect.  There was a whole “Maids serve” thing going on throughout the whole plot of Homestuck, but despite how prevalent it was, I wrote it off as the story riffing on the classical definition of Maid when the actual stuff Maids accomplished was something different and more specific, just like Knights constantly got riffed on for chivalry and the like.  Furthermore, service seemed like a really shitty class definition, when class definitions are the verbs one uses to interact with reality through Aspects to change the way reality unfolds, and “serving” isn’t really an action that results in change, implying a distinct deficit of agency that I wouldn’t have viewed as fair.  (Especially since you originally think “meant to serve others” and not “meant to serve the aspect”, implying even LESS agency.)  Furthermore, MOST passive classes from their descriptions seem to have a propensity to act “as if by the will of the aspect”, so even with the nuance of “serving the aspect”, devoting an entire class verb to service would just step on the territory of other active/passive class pairs’ passive sides, right?

But... IF we were to take this for granted as what it SEEMS... then concentrating on that angle of “serving the aspect” implies a whole lot more agency than a service class might sound on its surface.  The definition fits with the story better once you contextualize all the Maid-y references to service around Jane, for instance, with the additional idea of “serving Life” by baking prolifically and creating more of its symbols in food and--

--fuck.  “Serving”, like serving to others.  Serving the aspect as its attendant AND serving it out to others that need it.  Maybe this still IS part of the Additive class pair!  Whoa.  :O

Okay okay so, what I/we thought before was:

Create/Add - Maid / Sylph

Destroy/Reduce - Prince / Bard

But “additive” really isn’t an elegant verb compared to the “Destroyer” classes, so... could it be the “Servants” and the “Destroyers”?  Like Maids cleaning up and healing the broken wreckage strewn through the halls by a bratty Prince’s tantrum???

It’d certainly be weird... and it’d CERTAINLY be a wild twist where I was partially wrong in some fascinating ways but not entirely off base?

One a passive but powerful servant to time, the other wielding the aspect like a honed blade.

And yet, I can’t bet on this being the situation yet; not at all.  First, it relies on the idea that alt!Callie’s explicit narrative here is slightly misleading, which would be a pretty extreme thing to commit to, even for a technical truth like “she was saying it was passive relative to other classes even though it’s technically “active””.  Second... it would mean that Muses are even more wildly defined than the previous insinuation of hers, that the Sylph -- what we thought was the passive additive class -- was not enough like a Muse compared to a Witch.  Muses not being that Additive?  I could grudgingly understand that, but Muses not being anything like passive Servants?!  That would be EXTREMELY weird!

So... there’s not a whole lot of chance that I’m not dramatically wrong somewhere about these classes!  In a way that throws the entire chart into disarray!

I’m... oddly excited?  Huh.

That’s a pretty nice surprise that I actually feel that way.

:)

(Don’t hit me up all at once to discuss this Classpect development over Discord, I’ll still need a few days without talking about Homestuck to recharge as usual.  Like... maybe wait and come at me as a group chat? So I’m not talking about the latest developments separately with everyone?  No that wouldn’t work, how about... guh I dunno, look my outlook’s a little more positive right now but dealing with Homestuck still takes emotional energy okay?)

Okay the rest of this page...

ARADIA: ... DAVEBOT: time then make a weird face ARADIA: ........ DAVEBOT: waste time DAVEBOT: time ARADIA:............. DAVEBOT: i experience all points of time simultaneously please just say time and make a weird face

This is true.

ARADIA: .................. DAVEBOT: cmon megido youre killing me clocks ticking ARADIA: ... ARADIA: time o_o

The Maid casts a furtive glance around the empty crew quarters, as though to search for someone more sympathetic to her bit.

ARADIA: tough crowd

Dorks.

> ==>

(Lazy fruit-throwing sword-training I won’t bother to screenshot but looks fun)

(I mean, really lazy looking, these people really don’t have Andrew’s knack for action composition that would make the same amount of gif-creation effort feel like a microcosm of the event they’re depicting, unfortunately.  Again, I don’t blame them; Andrew was just too good at it.)

DAVEBOT: ok heres one DAVEBOT: how old do you think you are ARADIA: emotionally? ARADIA: that is a pretty heavy topic DAVEBOT: you know damn well thats not what i meant ARADIA: you know I have been through a lot dave DAVEBOT: ok ARADIA: its just so kind of someone DAVEBOT: ok i get it ARADIA: to finally ask how i feel ARADIA: i am beside myself with emotions ARADIA: i want to open up DAVEBOT: jesus christ ARADIA: shall i open up about my past traumas to you ARADIA: would you enjoy that ARADIA: to think even a frog like me can work through their pain with a dear friend ARADIA: you have truly blessed me on this day dave strider

Is Aradia JUST trolling here or is her Ultimate Self grappling with a ton of real unresolved trauma too that she’s bullshitting around Dave-style?

DAVEBOT: times fun when youre having flies

Okay that’s a damned good frog pun.

Alright now Davebot’s rapping

DAVEBOT: lacking tact i stay stacked while i breach contract DAVEBOT: sacred vows disavowed got divorce fever DAVEBOT: i leave her DAVEBOT: dont look back dont perceive her ARADIA: do you want to talk about it :( DAVEBOT: about what ARADIA: would you say you are hung up on leaving your wife and friends behind

Goddamnit is DAVE’S ton of real unresolved trauma leaking into his raps unintentionally Dave-style??  I knew we had to address it when we cut to Davebot but how about LESS TRAGEDY IN THIS COMIC MAYBE

DAVEBOT: arent you even a little guilty about ditching your boyfriend ARADIA: what ARADIA: oh fuck

Wh

But she knew what she was doing when she did it she explicitly did it didn’t she?  Epilogues quote:

DAVEBOT: what about your boy DAVEBOT: eyepatches ARADIA: oh sollux is in one of his moods ARADIA: this was all getting to be a bit much for him ARADIA: if i go ill probably just cut him loose DAVEBOT: good move

And then they stepped through the sky hole more or less.  Did like, distracted Ultimate Aradia not realize exactly how long she was leaving Sollux for, ie forever?  Or did she “ascend” to Ultimate status later and hadn’t thought back to the full consequences of her actions within this timeline?  Or both?  From the looks of the link we’ll probably find out on the next pa--

--Wait.  Something else I just thought of, unrelated.

If Aradia is an Ultimate Self, that’s another coincidentally Ultimate version of someone hanging around that happens to be on the prospective list of Soul-Powered Jujus that might have their creation loops closed in the coming story.  Could those two things play into each other somehow?  Like instead of their souls getting stuffed into the items, their “Ultimateness” is?  Or as if that’s a necessary component, or...  no, I’m probably overthinking things.

> (Months in the past, but not many...)

Uh huh.  Is that flashing because he’s “watching” Aradia leave?  But I thought Aradia SAID she was leaving--

> (==>)

--and that black hole portal doesn’t look as cool as it sounded in the Epilogues.  But why was Aradia acting surprised, she said “I’ll probably just cut him loose” mere MOMENTS before entering the portal, did she mean “cut him loose” as in “I’m going to talk to him before leaving” and then just IMMEDIATELY forget that she didn’t say anything to him because she cared so little???

Wait.  Waaaait wait wait.  I think.  I think maybe I missed some subtext.  Lemme do some fuller quotes here:

ARADIA: oh sollux is in one of his moods ARADIA: this was all getting to be a bit much for him ARADIA: if i go ill probably just cut him loose DAVEBOT: good move

His gaze remains fixed on her. She blinks and looks away, unsure what to say next. He’s standing perfectly still, presumably waiting for her to say something. She met him... what was it? Once, twice before? She can’t remember. But she knows this is a very different Dave. Aside from the metal skin, he seems implacably confident. But then, people go through changes. She’s been through more than her share. She cocks an eyebrow, recalling her own stint with a metal body.

DAVEBOT: hey earth to whats your face ARADIA: oh ARADIA: its aradia

[...]

DAVEBOT: youre coming DAVEBOT: better decide quick i doubt that dank fuckin hell funnel is staying open for much longer ARADIA: yes i suppose so ARADIA: thats where all the action is right? DAVEBOT: all the action that matters yeah ARADIA: off we go then :) DAVEBOT: word

He holds out his hand. She looks around, and assumes he means for her to take it, so she does. She didn’t know someone could fly this fast. He nearly yanks her arm out of its socket. She considers reminding him that maybe this isn’t necessary, since she can fly too. But she doesn’t want to risk saying more embarrassing stuff around this outrageously cool dude. Besides, they’re through the wormhole before she can even finish the thought. It vanishes the moment they’ve crossed.

...this was a SHIPPING thing wasn’t it.  She’s impressed as hell with Striderbot, she SAID she’d cut things off with Sollux, and then she was so busy being swooped off her feet and into the portal that she forgot to actually say anything to him.  Is that what happened????

Ultimate Self Davebot x Ultimate Self Aradia.  Huh.  Didn’t see that coming.  (Though, again... they could make it SLIGHTLY clearer that this wasn’t just a blatant continuity error.)

Anyway, a rare-don’t-get-used-to-it [S] page...

> [S] (Gaze.)

...Okay that was kinda funny.

> (==>)

SOLLUX: h0w the fuck am i g0ing t0 get d0wn fr0m here.

HAH!  Okay, he’s taking it pretty well.  :)  --and THAT’s what she realized she forgot, giving him a flight down from the tower before leaving.

GOOD.  KEEP THINGS HUMOROUS EVEN WHEN LITERAL ABANDONMENT IS HAPPENING.  THAT’S the Homestuck I was missing.  :)  :)  :)

> Back to reality.

(Since the black hole is outside “canon” reality.)

Those are some cool poses-AHAH JESUS CHRIST ALT!JADE YOU LOOK ABSOLUTELY TERRIFYING XD

COULD YOU MAYBE HAVE CLEANED UP THE DRIED BLOOD AT SOME POINT OR IS SOME OF THAT FRESH FROM EATING MORE RAW MEAT

(Lord English’s blood leaving permanent timeless bloodstains would be a cool new thing to squeeze into canon i admit, i wouldn’t blame them for taking the excuse even if you could find small canon counterexamples I’m not sure of but dimly think might exist)

((ALSO SHE’S GONNA BE TINY NEXT TO THEM I DUNNO IF THAT MAKES IT MORE TERRIFYING OR LESS, PROBABLY MORE))

DAVEBOT: so youre telling me you dont even feel a little bad that you ditched him to be a weird death acolyte ARADIA: no i think he found my wiles both charming and irresistible DAVEBOT: not even an ounce of guilt or self doubt huh DAVEBOT: just like that DAVEBOT: no conversations about the greater good DAVEBOT: no revelations about your feelings

Is Aradia a jerk or weird?  Can’t decide.

ARADIA: do you often find your faith in yourself shaken like this or is it a new experience now that your mortal coil has been left behind DAVEBOT: what ARADIA: do you think now that all that is left of you is a literal ghost inside of a machine you are more or less likely to embrace finality DAVEBOT: oh dope more cult of one shit DAVEBOT: immortality changed you ARADIA: could it be that you are projecting your feelings onto my situation DAVEBOT: does not compute rose jr ARADIA: ... ARADIA: we dont have to talk about it DAVEBOT: thanks

Wow, I actually can’t follow this conversation at all.  Let me stare at it for a sec...

...okay, the first part she’s talking about DAVE’s faith in HIMself being shaken, not her own.  She’s not asking if he relates to HER experience, she’s contrasting it.

Then, asking if he’d be more likely to embrace death, or... Time?  Death.  Whether his self-worth has changed because he might view himself as “less real”, something Aradia doubtless struggled with when she was a robot who already had so many excuses to devalue herself at the time?  And then Dave talks about “cult of one” shit what does that even mean-...

OH.  Like she’s a death cult.  Gooot it.  Because Aradia’s of the position that death and ending should be celebrated, and Davebot understandably isn’t entirely bought in.  This is as hard to parse down as one would EXPECT conversations between two Ultimate Selves to be hard to parse down, unlike Rose and Dirk where their insane missions and glaring flaws shine bright enough through it all that you can follow their conversation flow easily.

JADE: They sit in each other's presence, the silence between them as meaningful as any words they could exchange. DAVEBOT: its always really cool to hear how meaningful my silences are DAVEBOT: especially while DAVEBOT: CALCULATING DAVEBOT: CALCULATING DAVEBOT: especially while i am attempting to experience them

Alt!Callie pulling a narrative-text AFTER a talk-identifier like “JADE:” is really hilarious in my opinion.

JADE: i do not need your approval. the story will continue how it must. DAVEBOT: beep boop hater detected ARADIA: wow is that true JADE: i am not a hater. DAVEBOT: classic hater line DAVEBOT: i know this because i am pouring through genuine actual quadrabytes of information on historys most notorious haters JADE: no, you aren’t.

Pffffff. This is pretty fun.

DAVEBOT: you are the exact opposite of a hater ARADIA: a liker DAVEBOT: ok DAVEBOT: perfect example your tolerance for whatever is going on with DAVEBOT: all this ARADIA: i think she looks quite lovely covered in the viscera of the all-powerful enemy she consumed ARADIA: floating lifelessly in our periphery ARADIA: observing our every action and noting its relevance :) DAVEBOT: uh huh thats what i mean

I was gonna note “liker” as additive for pointless classpect purposes, but really more quoting it just because I really enjoy this conversation.  I’m starting to get sold on the chemistry of these two a lot faster than I expected.

JADE: even though I understand that it must happen, i am growing frustrated with the direction of this conversation. DAVEBOT: do you want to talk about something else stinky JADE: what would you suggest?

How long has that dried fucking blood been on her

DAVEBOT: ok hear me out DAVEBOT: kanaya DAVEBOT: but like DAVEBOT: wearing huge jorts

That explains Homestuck’s twitter earlier

> Weeks in the future, relative to the original point of interest...

Wait wait which point of interest?  This time we were just viewing? *click*

I love what must be this shitty imagination-ship they’re using to cross the substrate of reality

> ==>

Whoaaaa.  So they DIDN’T stay in those outfits for long?  It showed them in a bunk bed earlier, it showed CallieJade still going around blood-covered afterward-- dammit, I’m having a hard time gauging exactly how much time is supposed to have passed between their entry into the black portal, their earlier conversation, and this moment.  And as likely as some are to call this poor scene composition, I can’t think it’s anything but intentional, given we’re dealing with a couple of Ultimate Time players bullshitting with each other.

Moments like these are not rare, and serve a valuable function to the story. They are able to show a passage of time with the bulk of the emotional labor of a lengthy bonding process happening off screen. How did we get here? What have they been through? These questions are often better left open to individual interpretation and can give the one interpreting a sense of ownership of the story.

See?  We’re being trolled is why.  (Even if the authors are pulling the trick Alt!Callie describes maybe a little too damn often, because a cut like this where we’re supposed to fill in the emotional gaps and intervening events ourselves as readers depends on readers’ faith that sensible events and decisions for these characters would OCCUPY the gaps, as if readers don’t have faith that what intervenes WOULD make sense to their understanding of the characters the way the authors are writing them... it just seems like an excuse to do whatever you want without adequately explaining yourself, when in reality if you’d spelled out the events that led to it we’d all cry foul at the mischaracterization.)

...okay, maybe I’m a BIT bitter.  Sorry.  Where were we?

JADE: As a point of curiosity- ARADIA: oh shit!!!!

The dead Cherub possessing the body of an equally deceased Goddess of Space pauses at the interruption.

She doesn’t talk much, then?  Too busy doing whatever talking you’d do as your other possessed Jade body?  Just how temporally related is you controlling THIS Jade compared to when you were controlling the other?  When that Jade pegged you as enjoying contact with friends, are these two just not enough for you, or did you “experience” the trips entirely separately?  I don’t THINK the alt!Callie possessing either Jade is a separate entity from the other, but...

Were she to voice her opinion, it would be that --actually-- it is not unusual for those whose primary concern is The Grander Scheme to have a passing curiosity about the insignificant. So when one really thinks about it, any annoyance with the attendant’s small mindedness is both understandable and warranted.

She pissed

...also, “the attendant”.  Even if “serve” is really the verb here, that phrasing really irks me as if she’s talking down to her.  Which, I mean, makes sense for alt!Callie’s character, but doesn’t make me feel better about this new definition being foisted on us.

ARADIA: :( JADE: as a point of order, you never answered dave’s question. ARADIA: which one he is very chatty JADE: you experience time in a way that is woefully unfamiliar to me and it has... piqued my curiosity enough to learn more. ARADIA: ?_? DAVEBOT: shes asking how old you are

Wait a minute, is Alt!Callie asking a question about a dropped topic from WEEKS ago?!  And is Davebot so in touch with Time and the meta ordering of topics that he actually CAUGHT ON that fast to what she was actually wondering about?????

This is getting more disorienting by the minute.

ARADIA: in this form our bodies stop aging once we reach maturity i think ARADIA: the god tier keeps our physical form locked in a state of undying ARADIA: even in death the bodies do not decay ARADIA: only lay dormant

THAT LAST PART IS FUCKING IMPORTANT.  It’s being brought up intentionally to tell us that JOHN’S DEAD BODY can still be in the wallet Terezi’s carrying around RIGHT NOW without having decayed over the past years.  I remember remarking in SOME previous HS^2 liveblog post of mine that I was alarmed by the decay that would have happened there (can’t find my remark on short notice and don’t really care to), so this explicitly dismisses it so we won’t be surprised by the fact that she could keep it in just-dead condition.

DAVEBOT: like how long have you been alive JADE: yes, that one.

[...]

ARADIA: oh maybe a few hundred years or so DAVEBOT: what JADE: what? ARADIA: well if i had known you were going to be so judgy about it DAVEBOT: when did this happen ARADIA: oh i spent some time in other doomed realities and timelines and came back before anybody could tell i was gone

Hm!

We knew she spent a LONG time in the dream bubbles, enough to talk to “pretty much all of the Nepetas”, but she was actually able to access a universe or universes and hop between them?  That’s not something any time traveller we’ve seen has been explicitly able to do intentionally before, quite like she’s describing.

DAVEBOT: oh just out for a bit of fun then DAVEBOT: just hopped on over to a different reality DAVEBOT: real casual like DAVEBOT: oh hello dont mind me just popping in to see if it really is as doomed as they say it is DAVEBOT: did not disappoint ARADIA: yes almost exactly like that :) DAVEBOT: who did you hang out with are they cooler than me ARADIA: it is complicated to explain DAVEBOT: oh ok nevermind then DAVEBOT: all clear

Yep, he’s kinda bewildered.  Is this Pesterquest stuff she’s referring to?  Did she stop by Pesterquest?

DAVEBOT: a whole alternate universe ripe with the coolest motherfuckers imaginable ARADIA: you were there too i threw your air conditioner into the sun DAVEBOT: wow thats fucked up DAVEBOT: thats not where that goes at all JADE: these events are not-canonical. ARADIA: rude

Ah!  Yeah, almost certainly Pesterquest.  (Still haven’t played that and have little inclination to now that I’m more sure we aren’t being gaslit with intentional continuity errors, just disappointed by actual continuity errors.)  Oh!  And that makes a bit more sense because I imagine that’s Black Hole territory, and that territory outside of Canon seems pretty rich and easy for time-travellers to hop between stories and timelines willy-nilly.  As they’re apt to in fanfics, which is the most appropriate way for things to be in that realm!

DAVEBOT: is that the trope of being hundreds of years old but looking young forever patently sucks ass DAVEBOT: a plot device an asshole would write ARADIA: :( JADE: that is not what i am trying to say at all. DAVEBOT: hmm wow yeah thatd really be a sort of pot/kettle situation i guess DAVEBOT: i cant believe im the only woke one here DAVEBOT: its hard being such a visionary AND such a fine metallic specimen DAVEBOT: but im an altruist first and fucking foremost ARADIA: so selfless JADE: yes, the greater narrative is truly blessed by your beneficent presence. DAVEBOT: oh so you got jokes now huh JADE: i have always had the ‘jokes’ of which you speak, but i have heretofore exercised restraint in laying you low. JADE: i possess knowledge of many of your iterations, as the scope of my powers allows me to exist in several narrative structures at once. DAVEBOT: but can she see why kids love the sweet cinnamon taste of cinnamon toast crunch JADE: i do not know, or care, what that means. ARADIA: neither do i :)

I’m actually really enjoying this conversation

JADE: its cultural significance to you as an earthling is wasted on the two of us entirely, as we have not conflated the misguided notion of clinging to nostalgic cereal advertisement trivia with socially relevant conversation.

Pff she literally checked her meta notes just now to learn what the cereal ads were after admitting she didn’t know what it meant and pretending not to care

> ==>

Oh, closer look at Davebot.  Are those actual SHAPED shades over his robotic eye bulges?  Weird, I thought it was just a lazy line drawn between them with red sharpie at first, Sans style.  That would’ve been funny.

> ==>

Ohh, I get it.  I was gonna say that was an unwarranted reaction... but he just realized that the Time-wait puns will be coming from BOTH his shipmates from now on.  That’s gotta be a downer.  :)

> ==>

HOLY

FUCKING

SHIT

IS ALT-CALLIE LAUGHING!??!?!?!??

That’s REALLY, REALLY GOOD!!!  SHE’S ALREADY LAUGHING OCCASIONALLY THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY

“BEST NARRATOR” COFFEE CUP

SHE’S ADORABLE

> ==>

Ah, was that Jade kicking you out?  Or just the multiverse punishing you for being briefly happy :(

--oh, end of the update.  Guess that’s it for now!

...

Alright I know I’m A BIT BEHIND on covering the HS2 commentary,

But

I really would rather wait on that a bit longer if that’s alright.  Real busy and stressful week or two.  (Found out my hair is starting to thin noticeably at age 31!  Quite suddenly, too.  Blood test looks fine so it’s nothing serious... gonna see a doctor to check if anything can be safely done about that, it’s really hurting my self-esteem more than I thought it would.  Didn’t think it would hit my emotions that hard when it eventually happened, knew it was likely but not so SOON... really messing with my anxiety every time I accidentally touch my hair, now.  I’ll deal with it.)

If I sound really aimless in this post, I think it’s cause I am?  My mental and emotional energy’s REALLY drained.  I’m glad that June/July break in HS^2 happened when it did, and I’m definitely glad there’s apparently plenty in HS^2 I can really enjoy, if this update is anything to go by.  Maybe this comic can help lift me up instead of knocking me down.  :)

See y’all later!  More Patreon commentary blogging catchup after some other upd8.

[afterspark-podcast]

G1 Episode 35: Transcript

Episode Show Notes

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: It's like, we do get a view of what the robots seem like to the humans and it’s basically that they're massive dumbasses. 

[Intro Music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon.  I'm Owls.

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we're gonna be talking about episode number 35: Desertion of the Dinobots, Part 1. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Sure.

O: And I got a new mic! So hopefully I sound a little bit better because my headset mic was disappointing. 

S: You sound good to me.

O: [Laughter] I'm just hoping for an improvement, quite frankly. Today we open on a wide green field where a scientist is flying an unmanned drone via a remote.

S: The Autobots are, you know, very complimentary towards the- about the drones maneuvers and a few feet away Soundwave clearly wants a break from Decepticon shenanigans and is taking a nap in Ironhide's backseat with Blaster.

O: A very strange booty call, perhaps? 

S: Either that or him and Blaster just have, you know, scheduled naps in and, unbeknownst, to Ironhide he was their next meeting spot.

O: That seems rude to a coworker, but- but what do I know about Autobot co-worker shenanigans? Ravage then ejects from Soundwave, who is still a boom box, uh, before being detained by Blaster.

S: Did Blaster not want Ravage tattling about what they do in their downtime? 

O: Possibly. You mean boombox cuddling? Blaster kind of finishes transforming? He’s like half transformed grabbing Ravage and Soundwave gets bumped out of Ironhide before transforming himself and just flying off.

S: Oh and, to clarify, the entire scuffle with Blaster and Ravage is literally inside Ironhide's, um, caboose? 

O: Yeah they basically-

S: Trunk? I don’t know what-

O: [Laughter] The back part of his van. Basically, Ravage tackles Blaster and they sort of fall back into Ironhide. [Laughter]

S: Yeah. Yeah, it just makes the entire thing pretty awkward.

O: Why? You don't wake up with one of your mortal enemies in your backseat every day, Specs? 

S: Well, I sure as hell hope not.

O: [Laughter] 

S: So, you know, Ironhide it has some, you know,  junk going on in his- in his trunk, you see. 

O: Lord, not again. Why is it always Ironhide? It’s always Ironhide! [Laughter] 

S: He has a lot of space. 

O: This shot is just so awkward, anyway, it definitely looks like Ravage is topping Blaster inside of Ironhide and, I mean, I definitely believe that Ravage is probably a top but wow! That van is just rockin right there. [Laughter] And then Soundwave flies over to Megatron and Starscream who are hanging out upon a convenient verdant hillside.

S: And, honestly, they’re right in plain sight so I don't really get why no one notices them. The Autobots don't notice them. The humans don't notice them. Did they use an invisibility spray again or can we just see them because we're breaking the fourth wall?

O: Ah, I believe that's the power of plot convenience I smell. 

S: Starscream prepares to shoot the drone but Megatron knocks his arm down with a great bonk effect, saying something about needing to be more discreet. 

O: Discreet! You’re all standing out in the open! Soundwave was chilling in Ironhide five minutes ago, for Pete's sake!

S: Starscream says what we're all thinking, “Since when has discretion mattered to us?”

O: Megatron hands over something to him and says to use it on the drone.

S: And then, back to our opening scene, it appears Ironhide has woken up and would like to know what the fuck is going on. 

O: [Laughter] Ravage runs off and Blaster gets dumped on the ground as Ironhide transforms.

S: No one is having a good day.

O: No one is having a good day. [Laughter] 

S: Blaster explains this only as, “Rockin and rollin with savage Ravage,” which does not make it sound any less dirty. 

O: Nope.

S: Or less risque?

O: [Laughter] Ironhide exclaims that they need to tell Prime that, “Decepticons are afoot,” but considering we see the Autobots watching the drone which Starscream is flying directly over I feel like they should probably know already.

S: Yeah, I mean-

O: And- 

S: None of them have very good observational skills, let's just go with that.

O: No they don’t.

S: Except Perceptor. 

O: Yeah, but I don't think Percy's here today so they can't see shit. [Laughter] 

S: Percy's busy doing science. 

O: Percy’s, you know, busy doing his actual job, duh.

S: Man, speaking of the drone, it has a pretty weird design. Like, why does it have cockpits, let alone two? 

O: No freaking idea. Starscream drops the device Megatron gave him onto the drone and then it explodes.

S: Like what was the point of this entire thing? 

O: I don’t- don’t really know what this accomplished at all.

S: Yeah, yeah so Blaster and Ironhide run up to warn Optimus and then Blaster says that he just went three rounds with Ravage.

O: Jesus Christ. you two! This is a children’s show! [Laughter] 

S: So the Autobots roll out to check the wreckage because no one is going to address what Blaster just said.

O: [Laughter] No one- no one is going to address this. Okay!

S: Yeah and so along with them are: Jazz, Hound, and Mirage who were also, I guess, just hanging out doing whatever. 

O: Not fucking Ravage? [Laughter]

S: [Laughter]

O: But Megatron has a scheme while the Autobots are distracted. To which I say he could have just left Ravage in Ironhide’s back seat I feel like that was distracting enough but what do I know?

S: I don't know, man. And- and onwards to a very 80s lab in stylish Autobot orangey-yellow.

O: Don't you just hate it when you're working and the entirety of Decepticon High Command Kool-Aid Man's their way into your workspace?

S: Yeah and, honestly, Starscream just looks weirdly pale in this shot. Maybe imitating the Kool-Aid Man doesn't agree with him. 

O: See I think they just failed to get his makeup right for this shot, don't you?

S: Yeah, yeah, I think that's more likely.

O: [Laughter] 

S: Megatron tells the scientists to hand over the blueprints and he'll let them live.

O: Starscream gets mad and thinks Megatron's being soft and stomps in and picks up one of the scientists, threatening him with his null-ray.

S: It's like, Starscream, I'm not sure what that's- 

O: Helping? 

S: Yeah.

O: How is that helping? 

S: Yeah. The scientist just, like, points out where the blueprints are- are stored and then he's perfectly fine when Starscream just tosses them to the ground so, it’s like, okay? 

O: They go to open the vault, but the Autobots arrive. 

S: Why is the vault so big? Because it's, like, Decepti- it's like giant robot scaled.

O: They have extra big secrets to store inside? 

S: Oh god it's like the ‘her hair’s so big it's full of secrets.’

O: Except a door, a vault. Whatever.

S: Yeah. Oh and Jazz proceeds to distract Starscream with, you know, his loud music and light show.

O: But Megatron is apparently unaffected by this and goes to shoot the Autobots but then his fusion cannon is yanked off his arm by an invisible Mirage.

S: Mirage actually gets to use his ability today! 

O: What a concept.

S: Yeah.

O: And then Megatron basically runs over and kicks Mirage in the nads in an effort to grab his fusion cannon back from him.

S: No one's having a good day. [Laughter] 

O: [Laughter] No one is having a good day. 

S: And then Megs is then seen across the room, beckoning Soundwave and Starscream to follow him out of their Kool-Aid Man hole. 

O: Soundwave and Starscream clearly don't have any peripheral vision to speak of, you know, like the Autobots, and fly off- not noticing that the real Megatron is still very much in the same room as them and very much still trying to get this fusion cannon back from Mirage.

S: A fusion cannon and tug of war just doesn't seem to go well for anyone.

O: Right! Well, they're doing it from the sides, they're doing the smart thing where I don't think they're pulling on the actual barrel but, you know, while it’s pointed at them but still, yes.

S: Yeah, but yeah, you're right no one has peripheral vision or you know any observational skills. 

O: It was funny, too, when we were watching it, cuz even I was like, how the fuck did he get over there? And I totally thought it was an animation error. [Laughter]

S: I mean, if there was smoke or something you could forgive-

O: Yeah, yeah.

S: There is zero smoke. 

O: Yeah, there's nothing, like, you know, making it harder for them to see or anything. 

S: Yeah, and then Optimus comes in out of stage left, kicking Megatron, you know, in his keister, you know, through a wall. 

O: Megatron retreats. 

S: Now we suddenly cut to an amusement park, complete with carnival music and Ferris Wheels!

O: And after some shots of various carnival sites we are greeted with Bumblebee on the teacups with Spike and Carly.

S: This is, like, super poorly drawn but it's functioning like the teacup ride so I guess that's what we're calling it.

O: We gotta call it something. 

S: Or I think- yeah. Huh. Bumblebee is confused about why the ride is supposed to be fun until Carly, you know, just opens him up and turns off his equilibrium circuits.

O: Why-why does Carly know how to do that? Should I be concerned? 

S: She's a super genius and she is not afraid to, you know, effectively do internal surgery on her robot friends.

O: Ain't that the truth. The three of them seem to have a very full day planned as after they leave at the amusement park they go stop by the airport to pick up Sparkplug and, Oh God, Sparkplug is in a suit!

S: He's in a waistcoat, even! Why was he in a suit? Is he their legal representative? Or, perhaps, is he a more traditional flyer? 

O: [Laughter] Most interesting man in the world? 

S: Let's go with both.

O: Why not, why not? 

S: Spike sees two military jets fly into a hangar and questions why they're at a commercial airport.

O: Completely missing that their paint jobs clearly identify them as Thundercracker and Thrust. 

S: Oh god, maybe- maybe those are weirdly common paint schemes in their universe.

O: That- that would be strange. That would definitely be strange. 

S: It would be. I don't know. So, you know, Spike and company follow the mysterious jets and surprise! Decepticons! How did they even get out of the airport?

O: There wasn't airport security in the eighties, Specs.

S: That’s true.

O: Certainly not like there is now, anyway, besides they have, you know, the best pass in the world: the “My Best Friend is a Giant Alien Robot Pass” since Bee was in the airport with them.

S: Yes, but how did he get through the doors? 

O: Pfft- he got into an arcade, I'm pretty sure an airports no problem. Um, Bee calls Prime for backup but they're still cleaning up their mess at the lab they were out previously and Prime calls headquarters, instead.

S: Oh, they're just playing phone tag. So Optimus reaches Wheeljack and deems it necessary to let the Dinobots out of their baby closet.

O: Grimlock’s not happy about the orders, but Wheeljack asked nicely in his best dad voice and at the airport Bee and the Dinobots are then hiding behind a big passenger jet. 

S: God, Bee is so tiny compared to the rest of them, cuz he really comes up to their knees-

O: [Laughter]

S: But I imagine that the airport staff is having a conniption.

O: [Laughter] I would hope. Bee points to the helpfully labeled “Hangar” in all caps and tells the Dinobots the Decepticons are in there.

S: The Dinobots smash their way into the hangar, and into a bickering Starscream and Megatron. How did the airport staff not realize that-

O: Their entire warehouse or um, ware- it's not a warehouse-

S: -Hangar.

O: -Hangar was being used by evil robots? Who the fuck knows. 

S: Cuz, I mean, oh god, maybe someone was paying rent? 

O: I mean- Soundwave! Soundwave clearly set this up and was like- if we're paying rent, they won't bother us. I wouldn't blame him if that was the conclusion you reached.

S: Same!

O: [Laughter] So Slag proceeds to completely melt one of Starscream’s null-rays. 

S: No one's having a good day!

O: No one is having a good day.

S: Except maybe the Dinobots.

O: They get to destroy things.

S: Yeah. Outside Sludge saves Bumblebee by kicking Blitzwing into a wall.

O: Inside the hangar it gets Looney Tunes up in here with Snarl knocking over some barrels and the Seekers all falling on their faces.

S: That’s super Looney Tunes.

O: It's gonna get more Looney Tunes here in a moment.

S: Yeah. He also hits Rumble into Megatron and then they both fall backwards onto the computer console.

O: And Megatron just tosses Rumble off screen immediately afterwards.

S: I feel if I keep saying no one's having a good day we're just gonna be repeating that a lot so I'm gonna stop. 

O: [Laughter] 

S: Just take it as a given. Thundercracker and Thrust are taken out by Swoop and crash into the hangar, causing it to explode. And then Megatron pulls himself out of the wreckage. and orders an attack.

O: I mean, none of them are having a good day. Megatron's really not having a good day. 

S: Yeah. they’re- None of them are having a good day. At all.

O: The Dinobots have zero trouble with taking out the remaining four Decepticons by themselves because they’re the fucking Dinobots.

S: Yep, and Megatron ends up face-planting onto the floor of the airport terminal after Grimlock picks him up in his, you know, t-rex mouth and tosses him.

O: I mean, seriously, let's break this down: We've got the fusion cannon getting stolen, getting hit by Rumble, a building collapsing on him, and then getting picked up by a giant fucking t-rex! I'm just saying, that's a lot of things to pack into one day! 

S: Well, a few hours.

O: [Laughter] Yeah! Yes! It’s not even been a huge, long length of time. So he lands right in front of Spike and company and then, in the next shot, they're all outside. So did they gain teleporting powers? 

S: Maybe they just walked out the hole?

O: Past the passed out Megatron? That seems like a poor option, even if he is passed out.

S: I don't think some of them have very good survival instincts, ok.

O: [Laughter] Boy, do they not. The Dinobots returned to robot mode and Megatron and Skywarp shoot the passenger jets behind them, causing a massive explosion and sending all the Dinobots flying. 

S: I mean, that is a smart choice considering that, if they were entirely fueled up planes they'd have a hell of a lot of-

O: Fuel? Explosive fuel? Yeah.

S: Yeah. Megatron proclaims victory and not checking that the Dinobots are dead at all. 

O: Inferno, Hoist, and Red Alert show up and Hoist begins moving the Dinobots back to base.

S: By putting them into, like, one of the ruined planes and they tow it.

O: Right. I totally forgot about that.

S: It's- it seems like a really awkward way to transport your wounded.

O: [Laughter] It does, but they are so huge that I kind of understand it. So back in the Ark, Wheeljack, Ratchet, and Hoist are all trying to put the Dinobots back together.

S: And then they all wax poetic about mix- missing Cybertron and complain about the primitive tools they have to use.

O: Didn’t they- Didn’t you make them with those tools, Ratch? 

S: Yeah. Back at the airport, Powerglide is literally shitting bricks while him and Ironhide try to help repair the damage. Unfortunately, they are very bad.

O: It's like the worst building, ever. Grapple destroys it putting the roof on.

S: Did they even put a door in there? 

O: It really didn't look like it. It's funnier because Optimus seems like he's trying to direct Grapple and I want you to please envision Ro- Ron Swanson saying, “I know more than you,” for his response.

S: Yeah. Elsewhere, the Decepticons are all flying in the air before they all suddenly fall to the ground and Rumble and Ravage are both acting super strange. Ravage is running around and Rumble seemingly is not able to control himself and keeps punching Megatron.

O: Megs just sort of bats him away. I think this is, like, time number 4 getting tossed for poor Rumble this episode?

S: Yeah, poor guy’s just kind of a hacky sack. 

O: Little bit. You’re too tiny Rumble, we’re sorry. 

S: Megatron vows to figure out what the fuck is going on before we jet back over to the Ark. 

O: Wheeljack and Ratchet are putting the finishing touches on the Dinobots’ repairs.

S: Optimus calls the Ark and orders the Dinobots to stop the Decepticons who are running amok again. 

O: The Dinobots refuse after getting, you know, exploded last time and tell Optimus the kid-friendly equivalent to fuck off and then walk out.

S: And then Wheeljack and Ratchet have to watch their babies walk away.

O: So sad. The Decepticons are trying to gather Energon from a power plant in order to fix the whole, you know, falling out of the sky thing. 

S: The Autobots arrive and transform, all except for Jazz who seems to be stuck in car mode. And then Ironhide attempts some percussive maintenance and kicks him.

O: Which does, indeed, work and Jazz is able to transform the rest of the way. 

S: Megatron loses his ability to form words mid-sentence.

O: Starscream immediately proclaims himself the leader of the Decepticons before nose-diving right into a pile of Energon cubes. You know, exactly what you would expect to happen. [Laughter]

S: Ahh, things just start to go wrong. Ironhide’s-

O: Very wrong for everyone.

S: Yep, Ironhide’s Swiss Army knife powers have backfired incredibly badly, as this entire body freezes up when he goes to shoot Starscream with liquid nitrogen. 

O: Mirage thinks he has turned invisible but- but then gets beaned by Thundercracker when tried to attack him because he has not, in fact, turned invisible. 

S: Yep. Ravage successfully attacks Optimus before involuntarily transforming into tape mode.

O:  And Optimus just picks up the tape and dumps it into a barrel and I'm like, “You bastard.” 

S: Jazz proceeds to lose his groove and then Blitzwing falls into a hole of his own making. Starscream goads Megatron into action.

O: To which he responds, “If only to spite you!” Which if that doesn't summarize their entire relationship, I don't know what does.

S: True. Starscream takes aim at Optimus with Megatron in gun mode but Megatron's uh, performance leaves quite a lot to be desired.

O: Megatron then orders a retreat but the Cons are unable to fly and instead run away- on foot.

S: Back at the base, the same symptoms that are- the same- condition that seems to be affecting the Cons is also, apparently, affecting the Autobots. They have the same sort of symptoms and- yeah.

O: Optimus can barely stand.

S: And then he collapses into a pose that makes him resemble a giant toddler. It's- not very dignified.

O: No, no it is not. But fear not! Perceptor has it all figured out because, you know, Perceptor is the only Autobot that can do his damn job around here. 

S: Yeah, none of them have been eating their- well, none of them have been eating their leafy greens, effectively.

O: Or, in other words, they're missing an element that is necessary for their function.

S: Said element, of course, can only be found on Cybertron.

O: All the Autobots look worse for wear from all this but Jazz in particular is having a bad time with his bottom half stuck in car mode.

S: And, possibly, upside down. 

O: I- yeah, I can't remember and Powerglide is even missing his head. 

S: Oh dear. Yeah, cuz it's, like, not connected to his body. A headless airman, if you will? Carly and Spike run in and tell Optimus that Shockwave is sending a shipment of the missing element, Cybertonium, to earth.

O: The Autobots are, unfortunately, not in any position to do anything with this information for obvious reasons.

S: But Carly realizes that the Dinobots are still functioning normally, as they were built on Earth. And they don't include-

O: Don't require this to keep functioning, essentially.

S: Yeah, they just weren't constructed with it at all.

O: Yeah.

S: So they use Teletraan 1 to track the Dinobots down and they leave in Carly's car. 

O: Sparkplug jokes about not being sure he remembers how to drive it's been so long since he's had to drive, because they've been with the Autobots for however long.

S: Yeah, so they get there and Grimlock doesn't want to help at first, but thankfully Swoop manages to keep three humans from getting crushed. 

O: He picks up Carly's entire car.

S: That sounds about right.

O: And with a little persuasion the big ol t-rex does ultimately agree to help.

S: The Dinobots arrive at the space bridge and manage to make it past the Constructicons and actually- accidentally end up on Cybertron. I'm kind of wondering if the Constructicons have the same element issue or if they don't.

O: Well, if they showed up later than they presumably haven't been missing it for the past million years. Maybe that's why they were guarding the space bridge.

S: That's true.

O: We're, of course, not told any of this, so I have no idea.

S: And, actually, I'm wondering about the Insecticons, too. But that's neither here or near- neither here nor there, because they are Sirs Not Appearing in this Episode.

O: Yeah, they may not even know and Decepticons maybe didn't even call them. On the receiving end of the Dinobots, poor Shockwave is shocked to get a triceratops suddenly to the face.

S: Sparkplug manages to figure out that the Dinobots are on Cybertron but Grimlock refuses to return to Earth.

O: Carly volunteers to go to Cybertron since the Dinobots aren't in any mood to help. Spike says Optimus will never agree to something so dangerous.

S: Oh, I mean, it's not like Optimus can stop them.

O: In fact, he just sort of falls on his face when he tries. 

S: Yeah. Before they head out, Sparkplug gifts Spike a really lame looking communicator that sort of sticks to his thumb like a band-aid. 

O: Well, Wheeljack isn't exactly up to par right now so, hmm. 

S: Fair. Carly drives her car through Devastator’s legs to get to the space bridge like the goddamn badass she is.

O: And the episode ends with Shockwaves shooting the space bridge door as it opens - to which, join us next time for Desertion of the Dinobots, Part Two.

S: The Dinobots have arrived on Cybertron and they're ready to paint the planet red!

O: And I believe we have some fanfic for today.

S: All right, we have two pieces of fanfiction. We have “Walking with Dinobots” by BlushLouise- BlushLouise?

O: One of those.

S: Yeah. It's in the G1 Cartoon continuity. It's rated G, it's gen, there are no pairings and the characters are the Dinobots and Optimus Prime. So, in summary, “The humans have this show. It's called Walking with Dinosaurs. Until the Dinobots take an interest, that is. Or the many ways a Dinobot can sneak away to join the circus.” And that was just really cute. It’s been a while since I read it but really cute. And so our theme on that is “Dinobots getting to go around and do stuff,” I think.

O: Getting out and about, I believe. 

S: Ah, getting out and about, thank you. And then our second fanfic recommendation is “Wayward” by Im_The_Doctor (Bofur1). It's G1 Cartoon, it's rated G, it's gen, no pairings, and our characters are Wheeljack, Dinobots, and [Chip] Chase. And in summary, “As the Autobots recover from their Cybertonium depletion and readjust to working with the Dinobots (again), only one mech in particular seems to be healing poorly- not just physically but emotionally. Naturally that catches some attention.

S: And again- Dinobots.

O: And both of these are one shots.

S: Yeah, they’re both one shots and the second one I'd originally picked for the second episode but I think it also works pretty well here.

O: And our fan artist for today is Charlotte Cha [Sha]? Cha? Cha [Sha]. They seem to primarily do IDW. They probably have a bit more of- a bit more things than that but that's what I’ve primarily seen they have a ton of to Dratchet stuff. Uh, they've got a zine for their Young!Ratchet/Vet!Drift AU, and I think it's super cute. Today we've linked to that zine. 

S: Yep, I have that downloaded somewhere it's really cute. 

O: Another cuddly Dratchet fanart- of Drift and Ratchet just cuddling. It's very cute. And Tailgate being a complete and total dumbass and Cyclonus being, like, ‘Oh no, I have to protect this tiny idiot.’ It is fantastic. A lot of their stuff I've seen has been more sketchy and they do do other fan art that isn't Transformers related. We will be able to link to their Instagram. They frequently also go by the username VoyVoy or Voyahora, I think, and then their Tumblr is like PrimeADV, so I have no idea and just went with what they have listed I think on their Twitter as the real name so. But I do recommend their stuff! It's super cute and we will be posting links. 

S: Mm-hmm. And that about wraps it up for us today.  Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned.  You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few.  And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3!  Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: And I’m Owls.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

[journeysintowebcomics]

Girl Genius Liveblog #133

UPDATE 133: Untitled

I couldn't think of a title.

Last time Zola had outsmarted Lucrezia, managing to gain a copy of Lucrezia into her head while resisting all attempts of being overcome by Lucrezia the Body Snatcher. She’s now trying to escape, and left everyone else in the cast present at the scene behind to be killed by a self-destructing laboratory. Let’s continue.

Turns out having a laboratory with a self-destruct function yet not having a way to stop that self-destruct function is every bit as illogical as I thought it was, because there really was a way to stop the countdown. The reason why is because she can’t let Agatha be killed because she’d forget Zola has a copy of her held hostage. Hah! Thanks for saving Agatha’s life in some roundabout way, Zola!

Huh! That’s an interesting detail. I wonder...could it be Zola can only get access to recent memories? And those that are more in the past aren’t as accessible? Lucrezia’s laboratory isn’t a recent thing, after all, it must have been built long ago. The slaver wasp thing with the Baron was a very recent thing, too. I think it’d take Zola some time to explore Lucrezia’s memories. If she gets out of the castle, she’ll have all the time in the world to do that – once another reason to stop her.

While Lucrezia gloats about mind-controlling Tarvek and Gil – Violetta would be killed, I guess, because she’d be nowhere as useful as those two, unless she’s used as a vessel for Lucrezia – Von Pinn drags herself towards Agatha and grabs her, immediately moving to choke her. I had completely forgotten Von Pinn was here. She’s even resisting Lucrezia’s voice. Now of all times? Well...congratulations on your newfound willpower, Von Pinn! And it only took you like a few hours since the last time a voice like Lucrezia’s affected you. I guess...that’s fine...

Otilia actually manages to start choking Lucrezia, and since dying right now’s something she would rather not do, Otilia manages to coerce her to give Agatha back the control of the body. Now would be a good time to put the locket on again!

I’m going to think that’s what’ll happen right now, but will go unseen because the other group will now be under the spotlight. How are things going for Zeetha’s group? Not very well. Agatha’s small robots aren’t the most cooperative little buggers ever created. They’re messing with tools and being kind of obstructive, much to everyone’s frustration. Nobody wants to go get Agatha and Wulfenbach to lend a hand, because after a while it gets embarrassing to go running at someone else because there’s a minor inconvenience going on – or at least that must be part of their reasoning, even if it goes unsaid! Look at them, they want to be independent! Sparks that can deal with trouble by themselves! Go away, Moloch, your easy solutions are unwelcome in this world!

Agatha’s going to be tickled pink when she hears it may take you years and bloodshed to solve this. Hah! Sparks sure are a fun bunch!

Since nobody has the time nor patience to sit around and wait for the sparks to start their quirky solutions, Zeetha decides to use the object Agatha had given her. Turns out it’s another one of those tiny clanks.

Hah! Turns out the reason why the clanks are being uncooperative is because they’re too busy planning a future battle. Such planning is interrupted when the new clank starts making Agatha’s sounds. Heterodyning, in other words. That gets all the clanks’ attention.

That works! Everything should go fine from now on, with no more fighting – at least from the clanks, because the sparks are now getting distracted by this all.

Automation is invading the world! And the willrobotstakemyjob website sheds no light on the matter, for obvious reasons. Believe me, I tried. Theo’s not worried about the clanks starting to be so useful, he argues on their favor, but for some reason Moloch gets jumpy and feeds their fears. Talking about past experiences, I bet!

Skynet was a warning to us all.

These lighthearted shenanigans are over when Zola’s explosion happens, blocking the hole they had used to get where they are right now. I guess Zola didn’t pass by, because I doubt they didn’t notice her flying around with her grappling hook. While they leave the clanks to work on the machine – or maybe the clanks and the sparky prisoners – everyone else will look for another way to descend into that chamber. Higgs says he has a map. Now that’s sketchy, I remember there’s no map of the castle, I think the Castle himself had said it. So how does he know the layout of the castle? Something’s really going on with him and I’m not sure what it is.

What I’m kinda sure is that, whatever Higgs’ reason to be mysterious is, it can’t be bad for Agatha. He’s trying hard to help Gil, and that may be simply because he’s the Baron’s employee, but...I don’t know, there’s just so many details that make this strange. Like the Castle knowing Higgs, the Castle that was in Otilia’s body, I mean. Something’s afoot.

I think this is a good place to stop.

Next update: five updates

[sillyandquiteawkward]

ive had this list of all the steam powered giraffe songs listed in order of my favorite to least favorite in each album, but i havent done anything with it and i made the list last year. thought id might as well post it!

each song has a little blurb about that song, and the reason i like it. strictly my opinions on the songs, but i tried to include some of the technical stuff so if you hadnt heard the song before, you could get a Feel of it.

album one

steam man band - wonderful lyrics and vocals! the robotic twinge i lovely and i wish this was longer. i love the lyric “count to twenty, one is plenty”

clockwork vaudeville - a charming song about a boy seeing the robots for the first time at a fair and you feel it in every note. theres a part where the spine switches to a more harsh voice and it works wonderfully to contrast the smoothness of thus far.

electricity is in my soul - again, i love the robotic edge this song has, but it also is smooth. the lyrics and vocals are amazing. so fun to sing along to.

brass goggles - the first song i heard of them, the three part harmonies are to die for and rabbit kills it. in the original version, the voices are super busy and super robotic and tbh its my fav version because of this. i adore when they split into three parts and sing their own thing.

sound of tomorrow - i love the chorus, especially the echo the spine does. love all the weird lyrics the jon sings.

blind minstrels ballad - i love how ambient and mysterious it is. sets the mood for a story. i love the jons voice.

steam man band reprise - i love michaels voice and the staticy effects the band had a lot of in this album. the lyrics work really well and i wish this was longer.

captain albert alexander - one of my favorite hero songs, caa is a whirlwind adventure of a man who loves the sea. i love the story line and it hits you hard emotionally

out in the rain - ambiance! i love the mood this song sets.

on top of the universe - a cute song about being in love, very charming and captures the feeling of falling in love at first sight. i love the end part where the spine has to be beat up.

ice cream parade - hilarious! works well as a skit but the song itself is messy. i like the horse adventure part (of course i start to like it when the spine starts singing).

2cent show

automatonic electronic harmonics - western vibes but keep the steam punk feel! robotic themed but focused around the spines feeling and experiences. i love the screaming. the second spg song i listened to.

circuitry - i cant understand what their saying, but i love the robotic screeching and words you can just barely understand. a circusy feeling.

juju magic - the jon kills it with the mood again, i love that you have that steamboat feel, but now everything is going crazy. nothing is right and the lyrics dont make sense but it works wonderfully.

me and my baby - this song makes you want to dance and the spine kills the vocals.

one way ticket - i love the feel of this song! the lyric “the conductor plays the bass, and the train it has a face” just. gives you that mood that this is all magical and cartoony and its just an adventure your having on a train.

the suspender man - one of my other favorite hero song. the lyrics can get strange at times but thats part of the charm. its so fun to sing along, especially in the fast parts. i love singing never 21 times.

steamboat shenanigans - i adore the lyrics. youre standing on a boat running on music and good feeling. the lyrics are silly and the vocals are wonderful. rabbit has a charming edged voice. uncle ralphie makes his appearance in a tuba

prelude to a dream - again, michaels charming voice strikes again. the way the lyrics are sung are eerie but strike you.

the ballad of lily - what is it with me and liking the segway songs more than the actual songs. the ballad of lily slowly builds into something greater as time goes on and i love the accordion.

make believe - another song i want to dance to, the chorus is so fun and great. this song is about being good.

honeybee - one of my favorite parts of this is how when the robots sing “bee” it reminds me of the subtle sounds of a bee buzzing. a sad song about love, maybe something we can relate to.

rex marksley - a wild wild west adventure following the greatest hero, rex wanders around doing good deeds for his life. a great beat and chorus, but it the verses that make it great.

scary world - i love the tentative way things are sung, spine and the gang are scared during this song, something is afoot. pretty sure the morse code says something serious and imaginative, and then ends with the word “bananimals”

thatll be the way home - another era song, you get the feel of the time period like a lot of the other songs on this album. thatll is a really fun word to sing repeatedly.

airheart - a story about a part airplane part woman who becomes a great pilot. a cute story with a great harmony.

little birdie - cute lyrics, the mood of the song is so strange and not how you would think.

mk3

go spine go - easily one of my favorite songs. a jazzy sort of song about the spine having diarrhea. poor spine gets harassed by his band mates

roller skate king - all time favorite hero song. rsk is just a fun guy who roller skates and wants other people to have fun. i cant help but to dance to this song and the chorus is super catchy.

wired wrong - a song that hits too far home. weve all felt wired wrong one way or another. the harmonies are so solemn but hit all the right emotions.

hatch fever - hatchworths debut song. hes still learning what its like to be one of the singing bots so hes still working out the kinks. fast and catchy, i love the abrupt breaks in the song.

fancy shoes - mysterious fancy shoes from a mouse find themselves on hatchys feet. i love the tangents and the footfall sounds at the beginning set the mood of the strange yet serious mood of the song.

steam powered giraffe - you can feel everyone getting ready to sing, i love how you hear about the robots being robots. i love the contrast between all the robots voices tied together with lovely lyrics and a fun beat.

ghost grinder - rabbit strikes again with a chilling song, but this song works the scary theme into a fun halloweeny song about a dancing event.

mecto amore - i love the sultry kind of beat this song has at the beginning. always in love with songs that remind you these singers are robots.

turn back the clock - i cried listening to this song like full on sobbing. rabbit has such a true performance of watching a little girl grow up in little to no time. the song is heart wrenching but worth a listen to understand a part of rabbits character. you can feel her emotions as she laments time.

please explain - silly lyrics that fit together nicely. a series of questioning things the robots dont understand. the spines verse is funny not because of the spine, but the other robots making razzberry sounds during it.

a way into your heart - a love letter to the fans. weve had hard times but the robots will be there for us to sing with and get a smile back on our face. a cute song, but the first few lyrics are sung awkwardly.

bleak horizon - i think its hilarious when the little kid is just like “...bye” a chilling song about the future. harmonies are on point

steam powered giraffe reprise - a cute idea that works really well on stage and kind of random on the cd. the robots have been reset and now sing in japanese. kind of stunted sounding japanese but the song is still catchy and lively.

ill rust with you - this song screams grease. super 70s and you pick up that feel immediately. you can practically imagine rabbit in the all the clothes she describes

she said maybe - another song boasting spines vocal range. kind of creepy.

vice quadrant

its cosmic - the chorus, god the chorus. the progression of notes leaves my ears wanting only more.

the speed of light - you can pinpoint just where the song takes its turn from innocent amazement to more sinister. all this power, you feel invincible. chilling, just like all the song about the astronaut. the build up is amazing.

progress and technology - i adore the spines sharpness of his voice. the robotic feel matches the theme of how the future has come so far. slightly ominous in its lyrics, you feel like something will go wrong with this utopia.

oh no - legit sobbed the first few times i listened to it. the soliton reprise kills me every time. the first word sung is actually my favorite, but i love the pacing of this song, especially at the beginning

daughter of space - the story lyrics that the spine continues to excel at. i love how the lyrics mimic the astronauts feelings towards the daughter of space.

on a crescendo - soft, homely, this song lets you live in the comfort of your time while describing how far humans have come. im so glad a song so chill made it into this album.

commander cosmo - im so glad dwight is ok. captures the emotions and the views of both commander and the public. an emotional roller coaster.

necrostar - rabbit kills it with the sexy deep, scary lyrics. necrostar cant help but to sound sultry as he describes how he is the one to destroy humanity

steamjunk - the perfect opener for winks arc. lost, but hopeful. i love the progression of the song and the chorus.

the pulls - ive never loved a waltz so much. morbid lyrics sung beautifully and calmly toward you. so strange that hatchworth sings low, but i wouldnt have it any other way

whale song - oh so, so cute. oh my gosh. so. cute. rabbit is just teeth rottingly adorable and im so glad we get to hear her take center stage on her accordion. i love the conversation of them just starting a song on the fly.

the vice does tight - harmonies! scary, and set the mood of the impending doom. i love how the lyrics flow and adore how the singers switch

where i left you - saddening, but in the longing sense. hatchworths voice is back to the countertenor were used to.

wink the satellite - hatchworth and wink are just too cute. i love the speaking parts.

fire fire - a lovely song, that is until you realize what its about. this guy just does not have good luck. loses a lot of the emotion of the live performance, but it works to separate the graphic scenes from the audience. back ups make the song. the pinao crawling up the scales gives me chills.

soliton - a love song in its core. love the build up to the chorus. i love when cosmic sings as well! because she loves the astronaut too.

burning in the stratosphere - short and sweet. i love the suspense and build of the countdown and the irony.

star valley night - i love the off key sort of singing for some reason. the up and downs are wrong in all the right ways. cute silly lyrics from all the bots.

starburner - a cute, up beat song. maybe wishing on stars isnt a good idea, but the conversations in this song make this song cute. more spine crying plz

starlight star shine - love that acoustic guitar, especially since so much of this album is synthesized and electronic. a charming love song.

the space giant - i love the conversations that take place in this song. the story progression and especially the part where their blasting off of earth are great.

over the moon - catchy and sweet. the chorus is my favorite part.

sky sharks - not really a fan of professor elemental, but i love the silliness of the song. strange things are happening but its so silly and presented silly. song gets dated with a 50 shades of grey reference.

hold me - sad, but lovely. the verses are cute.

gg the giraffe - cute lyrics! gg introduces herself and expects only gratitude for existing. gg voice is meant to be obnoxious however and makes the song a little hard to bear.

steam world heist (not including remakes of the songs)

what we need are some heroes - i fell in love with this song at first listen. such a depressed world, but hope is always on the horizon. im always a sucker for the spines voice. “forever and a day” always hits me hard for some reason. the chorus is so hopeful.

the red queen - grew on me. originally i was upset things payed into a red queen sense, but the sharp noises vocals and robotic laughing, well, that grows on a person. i loved all the staticy distorted noises.

the vast frontier - so chilling, hatchworth returns with his slightly morbid lyrics and wonderfully written music.

star scrap - another song i cant help but to sing with. a bit depressing, but fits the mood of the album. i love the ending

the stars - i love how space western this song is. back to the old roots, perhaps. again, im at the mercy of spines wonderful vocals. hatchworths verse is silly and cute and im not even mad it breaks the song up

prepare for boarding - i love the shifts in this song, they all work well to make the song interesting.

quintessential

only human - this song never fails to make me smile. hatchworth can sing and help me as much as he wants. sigh. he just wants things to be easier and better for us. i love the other robots interjections, but hatchworth is the real star of the show.

the ballad of delilah morreo - the rapid one right after the other beat of the lyrics and music make me love this song so much. the chorus is killer. “bat and beast and wolf and spider” always gets stuck in my head

overdrive - i love the echo that the band sings. everyone is so great in this song. hatchworth has the greatest lines but once the beat drops, oh boy. those harmonies. reminds you how robotic they are without being the same robotic they were in the first few albums. theyve been refined and fixed up. maybe not the biggest fan of the rap.

malfunction - this song can hit close to home. a different take on being wrong than something like wired wrong, but this one chooses to embrace those malfunctions. the chorus is lovely

photographic memories - maybe a bit slow at points, but sets up this new lover the spine seems to infatuated with. this isnt some fling, this is someone he wanted to spend his life with. the verses make the song, but the chorus doesnt holdout. the music in between verse keep you interested and the subtle changes keep you on your toes as the song shifts.

i dont have a name for it - such a charming, cute love song. i absolutely adore when the bots switch off singing words and parts of words. that up and down of their voices hits me just right.

sleep evil sleep - the lyrics are dreamy, but solidify in just the right moments. this song is about taking a break from the awfulness, just for one night.

blue portals - the chorus really keeps with you, another song where hatchworth just wants to do good, although this lets you see his more chaotic side.

salgexicon - honestly i still cant believe they made their dnd characters part of the spg lore. among hero songs, this one is pretty memorable, even if its cluttered with so many characters. the chorus gets stuck in your head, but the verses are what keep me interested. im glad salgexicon cries a lot but is still heroic.

leopold exeditus - i absolutely love the music that accompanies the song. the chorus is great and i love the divergence in the middle. “mozambique” is the best word ive ever heard get sung ever.

dream machine - a lovely closing piece, now that the evil sleeps, she can sleep and dream. seems almost like amsr during the verses.

love world of love - the beginning lyrics are my favorite, which make up for the repetitive chorus.

[pronetopronoia]

Live From Iowa, It’s Saturday Evening

Saturday Night Live is on Summer Break. I hope everyone budgeted their money correctly! Wait, what?

Anyway. Now’s my chance! And by chance, I mean what’s the fucking “laziest” way I could possibly make fun of Saturday Night Live “for no reason” as a personal market study that will warrant no measurable results to use for any kind of advertising income generation at some point at least in this particular format but has the extremely minute possibility of maybe actually entertaining the audience of Saturday Night Live, if they happened to see this, even though it’s Memorial Day Weekend and everyone should be outside enjoying themselves... and also, who reads anymore, right? Like, is there a summer market for this kind of content in written form? People read poolside, right? Or is the glare on their phones with the sun fucking it up? I’m sure I can send you an Instagram account with RayBans on the supa-cheap that has recently followed me with polarized lenses. 

Ugh. Fuck it, I’ll throw in music and video clips too. See below.  

Commencing. Market. Study.

Celebrity Host Monologue from a Traditional Aging Farmer: Have you all (addressing just so many children it’s unbelievable) had your suppers yet? It’s 7:30pm so you most definitely have. Do you all wanna have a walk around the property? Then we can settle in and watch Saturday Night Live together all in a row sitting very closely on this couch. I want you all to see what the world is like outside of these beautiful rolling hills and valleys. Oh god. Wait. Ezekiel, what is that rustling out in the field??? Oh God. (picks up rotary receiver phone) Hello?! Is there a dial tone to this farm phone? I can’t hear it. HOW DID I END UP HERE?!?!

Other Celebrity Guest Host Interrupting: MeeMaw you should calm down, it’s gone be OK. 

Yet Another Celebrity Guest Host Interrupting: No, it’s my turn to hold the remote!

And a Fourth (deadpan): You always get to choose it’s my turn.

And a Fifth: But I have been waiting the longest!!

Everyone Collectively: WE KNOW

And a Sixth: May I be Excused?

MeeMaw: No! You all need to sit down and wait until I determine the source of the noise in the field. God help us, your father always leaves us here to deal with this alone. And on a Saturday night to boot!

And a Seventh: Maw it’s just a lynx or somethin’

And an Eighth (adopted): Man, fuck all ya’ll! White people be crazy! 

DEAD SILENCE

The Fourth one Again, Breaking the Fourth Wall (deadpan): Live from Iowa, it’s Saturday Evening. 

*Note (written as dialogue): 

“These particular sketches would be a bit costly. Also “show don’t tell”.” 

“Man, fuck you! I like a narrative.” 

*Queue the beauty and simplistic pleasure of just “lazily” writing them out. Should someone be compelled to read versus stare transfixed at the flashing lights of a picture box. Sit on your goddamn porch and read something god dammit! It doesn’t have to be this. Actually, I am reading THIS right now and it is FUCKING HILARIOUS* 

Also, remember kiddos, THIS IS NOW IN ITS ASSET/DEBT/WORKING CAPITOL ACQUIRING PHASE so if you are actually reading this and you need some inspiration to come up with a project feel free to rip on any of this, actually write it, and submit it somewhere, preferably to THIS NEW ENTERTAINMENT CORPORATION HEADQUARTERED IN IOWA I’VE LITERALLY JUST MENTIONED - HOWEVER, please wait until it has enough working capitol to produce your project. When will that be? It will let you know. It absolutely wants to facilitate the production of your project unless you do it first, your call. 

Sketch One:

A young, single, mid-30′s woman relocates to Iowa to “settle down” after years of battling it out in corporate America and a baker’s dozen of mental breakdowns. By “settle down” she means “chill the fuck out” but the term “settle down” in Iowa means something far more sinister. For you see, in the Midwest, you come home to die. And by die we mean get married, get fat, and reproduce. Not necessarily in that order, depends on the dude I guess? Also, same-sex coupling is a completely normal and celebrated thing here too and those same exact rules apply, which is seriously awesome. 

Respect people that personally aren’t into that for themselves. 

Anyway, things are very safe here but still, don’t you fucking dare think about going to the gas station in the middle of the night for Funyuns because: 

A. Oh sweet fucking christ the chemicals! 

and 

B. The perfect mash-up of Shaggy’s It Wasn’t Me/John Legend’s All of Me/Green Day’s Time of Your Life will be playing over the intercom just a little too loudly and you’ll make eye contact with the cashier and sweet god so help you, you better answer “YES” like a robot to their completely unnecessary yes or no question or get ready to run for your fucking life! Actually make sure to set very clear boundaries and be ready to run reguardless. When’s the last time you worked out by the way? In either situation you’ll need to be at the top of your game. 

Sketch Two:

A Midwestern comedian is given an extreme discount on a coveted, famous, Midwestern race from one decrepit silo in one county to a newly-erected wind turbine in the next as a joke because she did not properly train as she said she would. #subtledarkhumor #thisisiowa

Sketch Three:

Sue gets a job at a local paper run by a husband and wife duo. But get this, the wife is a hologram and the husband is Mr. Pickford! Shenanigans are afoot! Luckily she is permitted to listen to music at a reasonable level through her government-issued, personal, deep-ear speaker system. The actual insane twist ending? Sue is actually Bob from Office Space (which one? The nicer, clueless one) and she’s here to save her job, those of those around her, and create some more because she enjoys what most others can’t seem to deal with as far as work goes. Actual work. She also enjoys sales. It’s hilarious. 

This Week’s Musical Guest: Beat Connection (click to watch a performance of So Good shot live on KEXP Seattle)

HERE IS THE MUSIC VIDEO AS A SHORT FILM

*CUT TO COMMERCIAL*

Suddenly during commercial break the producer is accidentally heard in conversation via everyone’s headsets. EGADS!

Producer: “Post the video clip too. People will just watch it for what it is. They will either understand it fully. Or do a write up in the fuckin’ paper tomorrow we can laugh at.”

Key Grip (sarcastically): “OR FUCKING DIEEEEEEE” 

HEAD WRITER’s SOLILOQUY: 

“Yeah, sarcasm on the DIEEEEE part Brant. Seriously. If this video is leaning anyone towards feeling like that it’s time to seek a little assistance in the form of mental health help, there is nothing wrong with that, there is help available - the help is not death - death happens if they don’t get help which may sound appealing but those folks are actually really, really needed here with us if you understand the video to the point of it leading you towards actual death thoughts  Also don’t let anyone you don’t feel comfortable with help you because if someone is making you feel uncomfortable there is a reason for that, go to the ER yourself or call an ambulance

Unless you are an actor. If you don’t fully understand all of the above fucking go through with it or fucking stop wasting everyone’s time. No, I won’t explain it to you. Also, pick one thing and stick to it. Follow. Through. That’s why no one wants to be around you.  If you’re that bored/lonely/desperate, take up writing or fucking find a hobby with some like-minded friends. 

Real Writers, Comedians who are not actors, Dancers, Actual Musicians, and Visual Artists, you’re good. I mean that.” 

Director: I have a question? Which type of artist is the most annoying? 

Producer: Depends on the day  Head Writer: Me, I own it though... so definitely actor 

Key Grip (looking down sheepishly): Agreed

*OK QUIET ON THE SET, WE’RE LIVE IN 3...2...

Sketch Four:

An exact re-creation of the scene in Billy Madison where the kid pees his pants but it’s all grown adults and replace peeing your pants with thumb-sucking. Asulting is hard! 

Sketch Five (TV Funhouse Short Film): ‘Rape Culture’

Kae, A mid-thirties woman is so annoying she’s turned every man she’s ever been with gay and can’t find a real friend in the same area code who can put up with her for any extended period of time. Also, she hasn’t been laid in like, FOREVER. She decides to just settle for women, that’s great because she loves her best friend, I mean, she CREATED HER. #musichumor 

Suddenly, by the literal grace of god, she meets a female to male transgender man that gives her the attention she craves. She falls madly in love because he looks like her favorite Marvel Supervillian. He only did the gender change sarcastically though but either way it works out. #somethingbigiscoming #doyouunderstandboundaries

Sketch Six: Shot in the Style of RENT the Musical

Brad and Susie work together but Susie is a little older and more laid back due to prior experience but Brad is kind of fascinated and likes to try to guess what she’s thinking and/or read her mind because that is a thing (he’s not the best at the mind-reading thing though because she is also aware of how computers operate). Also Susie isn’t super fat or blowing her nose all over the place anymore so he’s gotta come up with something quick because he’s got a show on Friday.

Suddenly Brad is thrown into a three-ring circus involving his and other peoples’ living situations and the social dynamics of his friend group that only an outsider like Susie can truly appreciate the humor in. Oh, but Susie mentioned her best friend from high school in LA one time and now that person and Brad are besties. Susie is again off the hook because then Brad can hang out with Susie’s best friend and she doesn’t have to. Brad is actually like the best coworker ever for real.

Show ending musical number: 

BEAT CONNECTION’S ILLUSION

G’night!