#someone else listen to it becuase i need to know if im going crazy

[unclemoony]

Ok so tell me if I'm crazy, but I think when the recorder goes long after Alice and Sam leave, I think that muffled whisper bit is when Martin stabs Jon at the end of episode 200. Specifically the moment he is stabbed. That gasp. Listen to it.

[2dmenenthusiast]

I can't remember if I sent this to you already but could I request headcanons for aizawa, hizashi and Toshinori finding their s/o that has a chipmunk quirk that makes her fall into hibernation when it's too cold (kinda like tsu) but when the guys find her with her heart rate low and her breathing shallow maybe they freak a little bc she didn't tell them about that part of her quirk yet

omggggg this idea is literally so cute I got so excited when I first read it. Also thank you love for comin through with the requests, I really appreciate it! <3 I also hella struggled cuz like, what can someone with a chipmunk quirk do? Stuff their cheeks? Climb up trees? Also I legit forgot what a chipmunk even looked like I had to look it up lmaoooo im so dumb it hurts

Aizawa is an intimidating fella, okay

So when you first told him about your quirk, you were lowkey embarrassed?

Like, here’s this grown-ass man with a badass quirk who is more than capable of taking down villains and defending himself, and here you are just-

🐿️

But you know what’s great about this man? He couldn’t give less of a shit about your quirk or anything like that. He strikes me as the type to care more about personality than anything else

concealing your quirk is fairly easy. People probably wouldn’t even know you had one if it wasn’t for the small fluffy ears popping out of the top of your head, and even then you could just cover them with a hat

But that doesn’t mean you don’t experience the effects of your own quirk just because it’s subtle

You have a mutant type quirk, so you experience certain things that actual chipmunks do

Sometimes you won’t even notice that you’re stuffing your cheeks to full capacity with whatever you’re eating before Aizawa has to cut you off and just be like

“y/n. Chew.”

Or when you’re rushing, you’re usually going so fast that Aizawa can barely even see you zooming from room to room

you can also get kinda skittish at times, your ears twitching whenever you hear a noise that sounds weird or out of place, and you’ll just look at Aizawa with wide eyes until he checks out what made a noise that he could barely hear

“y/n, it was just some kids outside.”

“Oh... sorry, Sho.”

he wants to be frustrated, but he knows it’s not your fault. And honestly? He finds you so cute that he can’t really stay mad at you

So he’ll just let out a huff before patting your head lovingly, grazing his fingers over your ears (Which he KNOWS are sensitive, that asshole)

Experiencing long periods of deep sleep is also a thing. You wouldn’t call it hibernation cuz you still have to do normal, everyday things, but there are times during the winter where you’ll sleep for a few days in a row and only get up to go to the bathroom or eat

And since you can’t actually burrow into the floor of your home, you usually make a blanket fort in the corner of your bedroom and stuff all of the pillows and blankets you can in there until it’s nice and warm, ready for you to bury yourself in

and you might’ve left that little part of your quirk out when you moved in together. whoops

So when Shouta comes home and sees the living room couch void of all of its pillows, he’s not expecting to walk into your shared bedroom and see you curled up in a blanket fort

he’s a bit curious at first, just kinda looking at you like “All right, I guess this is normal?”

and he’ll crouch down and kinda examine you for a bit before he eventually wonders if you’re even breathing? You’re burried under blankets, so he can’t really see your chest moving

eventually he’ll check and see that your breathing is abnormally slow and he kinda just... pauses and checks again to make sure he’s not going crazy.

and he wont deny that he kinda freaks out at first, his immediate thought being that he needs to get you out of there, but the second he grabs the blankets to pull them off of you he’s like wait... hold up.

then it all clicks

you’re a mutant with a chipmunk quirk...

c h i p m u n k

safe to say he’s relieved, so he just lets you be and goes about his day. 

When you wake up a few hours later to go to the bathroom, you come out of the bedroom with your clothes practically on backwards, rubbing at your eyes and stumbling past Aizawa like he’s not even there. And when you’re done, it’s right back to sleep you go

“Back to bed?” Aizawa would ask as he watches you with an amused smirk on his face

“Mhm.”

“Okay. Goodnight, y/n”

“Mm’night.

Listen, when he first heard of your quirk, he thought it was the cutest shit ever

“Your quirk is Chipmunk?! That’s SOOOOOOOO CUUUUUUUTE!”

No he’s legit your number one hype man. If you think your quirk is lame, he’s literally shouting at you how cool he thinks you are.

“You can stuff so much food in your mouth, y/n! And that’s pretty dope if you ask me! I’m totally jealous!”

speaking of food, he’ll just randomly ask you to shove as much as you can of one thing in your cheeks until they’re at full capacity.

“Hey y/n, think you can shove this whole pack of jumbo marshmallows in your cheeks?”

“But... I just bought those :(”

“I’ll buy you more, LET’S DO THIS!!!”

also asks you the dumbest questions omg. You don’t know if he’s genuinely curious or if he’s just doing it to piss you off

“So do you just eat nuts all day?”

“You’ve seen me eat, Hizashi. No.”

“Do you prefer to sleep in trees?”

“That would be extremely uncomfortable.”

“Ooh you’d probably be great frieds with Kamui Woods then.”

“Did you not hear what I just said?”

He also REALLY likes your ears. Like an unhealthy amount? Whenever you’re around he literally wont stop touching them and even tugs on them playfully until you’re swatting at his hands and telling him to go away

He can’t help that they’re so cute :(

so on a particuallry cold day in winter when he has to go to work at the school, he leaves your home while you’re sleeping, only to come home hours later to find you... still sleeping?

You haven’t moved an inch the entire time he’s been gone, so needless to say, he’s a litle concerned.

and when he checks to see if you’re still alive only to discover your heart rate is super slow, he’s A LOT concerned

His brain just goes to the most dramatic thing he can think of, which is that you’re in some weird coma and need to wake up

so rather than, i dont know, gently shaking you awake like a normal person, he grabs you buy your shoulders and starts shaking you violently while shouting your name loud as fuck

“Y/NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN”

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!”

you literally wake up so violently, you sit right up and shove him off of you before asking what’s wrong with him, pretty sure you’ve officially gone deaf

He then explains that he thought you were in a coma or something cuz your heartbeat was so slow, and at that point you just roll your eyes because of course he would come up with this ridiculous conclusion

“Hizashi, my quirk is chipmunk and it’s a mutation quirk.”

He doesn’t even get what you’re getting at, just tilting his head in confusion as he squints at you.

“What do chipmunks do in the winter, babe?”

Cue more confused squinting

“Oh my god, they hibernate, you headass.”

it finally clicks and the look on his face makes it seem like he just learned the secret of the universe, and afterwards he’s going on about how cool that is while you just roll your eyes and lay back down to try and go back to sleep, bringing the blanket over your head to try and drown him out

He eventually gets the hint and leaves, but after a while, you kinda feel bad for blowing up on him. He was just concerned and didn’t fully understand your quirk

so letting out a huff, you pull the blanket down and call out his name, to which he immediately runs to you at the sound of, asking you what you need

you just wordlessly lift up the blanket to expose the empty side of the bed, and oh boy, the size of the grin he gets on his face is unmatched

immediately throws off his hero costume so that you can both be comfortable and jumps into bed with you, holding you impossibly close

you fall asleep in a matter of minutes while he just looks at you fondly, hand soothingly rubbing your back.

Just like the other two, he finds you incredibly cute. Like mans is in love, okay?

everytime he sees your little ears twitch, he just gets the strongest urge to touch them, but he never does without your consent becuase he knows how sensitive they are.

“Uh... y/n, do you mind if I... touched your ears?” 

Baby probably feels so awkward asking ugh PLEASE REASSURE HIM

“Oh? Yeah, of course, Toshi. Knock yourself out.”

oooh he’s excited. He’ll be super gentle about it, just lightly grazing them with his fingers before gently rubbing them between his thumb and forefinger

and at that point you’re littlerally melting, practically falling into him because him caressing your ears like this feels absolutely amazing

When he sees how it’s affecting you, he immediately becomes a blushing mess and apologizes, but you just hug him and tell him it’s okay and that you liked it

yeah he definitely rubs your ears whenever you’re feeling stressed or anxious because it’s become a quick way to relax you

only when he does it though. If anyone else randomly touches your ears, you get kinda uncomfortable

Just because they don’t look human doesn’t mean they still weren’t a part of you, dammit

Anyways, one day when you’re waiting for Toshi to come back home, you’ve got yourself wrapped up like a burrito in your blanket, sitting on the couch as you watched tv

it had been snowing all day, but luckily Toshinori had turned up the thermostat before he left, remembering how you mentioned that you’re not a huge fan of the cold

unfortunately for you, the harsh weather had no trouble taking out the power, leaving you in the dark and the cold

it didn’t take long for the cold to start seeping in through the cracks in the windows, and you quickly began to grow tired before you inevitibly passed out on the couch, still wrapped tightly in your blanket

When Toshi gets home and sees you on the couch, his first reaction is “aw, how cute.”

but then when he comes up to you and starts calling out your name to try and wake you up and you just won’t, and then he notices how much your breathing has slowed down, he quickly growns concerened.

He’s not in full panic mode yet, but he’s getting there, and he’s quick to crouch down to your level and grab your shoulders to start shaking you to wake you up

which you do, blinking groggily at him like you weren’t just in full hibernation mode

“Oh... Hey, Toshi,” you mumble, and you reach up to wrap your arms around his neck to pull him down so that you can nuzzle yourself into his warm chest

He’s not able to ask you about what happened to you before you’ve already fallen back asleep, and when the power comes back on a few minutes later, he does a quick google search on chipmunks and mutant quirks before putting two and two together

Now he’s thinking of all the ways he could make you something to burrow into during those especially cold winters

[jt-artsandfics]

Hey, could I request a bad batch match-up? I've read your other fics and they are incredible! Keep up the good work :)

So, I'm English, 5'3 tall with a pale complexion, brown hair, and brown eyes. I have ADHD and anxiety, I use She/her pronouns, and I'm an INFJ. I am also asexual biromantic if that helps at all. I have basically no friends, but I try to be kind to everyone even so. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, because it makes others feel good and therefore, makes me feel the same. In class, I kind of takes the mantle of the 'therapist'. I read a lot, a bit of everything really. But it has to be up to me because I can't focus when someone else tells me to read something. Speaking of focus, I fidget all the time (thanks to the ADHD) and tend to pace when I'm nervous. Which, lucky me, happens a lot. In public, I hold the appearance of a 'goody-two shoes' and I'm pretty quiet (which is for the best. I am painfully awkward at times), but around those, I'm close with, I'm anything but that, im louder, more chaotic and shockingly clumsy. My sense of humor is dry and sarcastic, but I always love a pun. I also love learning things, like anything at all, as long as it's not related to maths, which I suck at. I also have a pretty impressive music taste, ranging from film scores to rick Astley to Taylor swift to queen, basically anything. I’m also a theatre kid, I love performing, singing and acting (and dancing too, but I’m terrible at it. Though I can do ra-ra rasputin pretty well).I also love to write and draw, so I think you get the picture that im pretty creative. One other thing is that I love birds, owls especially, and know loads about them (like did you know that pygmy owls actually skewer their prey to hold it in place?) But yeah, I’m pretty enthusiastic about ornithology, but no one really cares.

Ok, Im so sorry, this was longer than I anticipated. If you do get the time to write something that would be great, but if not I completely understand, and I wish you all the best.

xxxx

I match you with.... Wrecker

You like many others are shorter then Wrecker. This man is tall but more so just meaty.

You are at quite to his noise, he lives just talking with you. You sitting up on his shoudlers as he explains how to set explosives up on the wall.

He loves holding your hand in public it's his way of showing you that he's dedicated to you. He also loves that he can just lift you up into his arms by pulling you up by your arm.

Read him books about how to set a thermals and he will just smile as he listens to you read. Like hell read anything you would like he just loves hearing you talk.

He also tends to pace when he's nervous or he rambles it's something he doesn't even realize to begin with.

God's when you two become really close your both unstoppable. You and wrecker will trip over each other it's inevitable on the Havoc Marauder. You have landed on him multiple times and he always seems to catch himself on time so he doesn't squish you.

He loves your jokes!, he wants to hear all of them so that at some point he can use it on some unsuspecting person.

Both you and Wrecker can talk about how much you hate math. Tech has tried teaching you both the basics for the things he needs help with but in the end it just leaves him frustrated with thw both of you.

Wrecker is really good at dancing but doesn't do it often. He learn back as a Cadet from holos before he picked up his love for explosives. Please, please just dance slowly with him!!

He knows how to do alot of slow dances but is also used to the fast beat music at 79's.

Tech happens to be your best friend loves listening about birds while Wrecker now has a slight fear on them from what you have told him.

"Your doing great, don't put yourself down" Wrecker says while slowly leading you in the dance.

"Wrecker I've stepped on your feet three times already" you grumble as he spins you and pulls you back to him.

"Its going to happen, don't worry about it. I'd be more worried if I stepped on you Tiny" he laughs making you smile up at him.

"That's it, wide steps and just follow" he reassures. "Where did you learn to dance?, it doesn't really seem like a hobby you would just pick up" you say which make him smile again.

"Back on Kamino when we weren't being trained or pushed to study most of the Regs in spare time found small hobbies. At the time I didn't know the rest of the Batch so... I watched holos, it's where I first learn what dancing was." He anwsers.

He dips you down and pulls you back up into his chest. " So every night after training I'd retreat to my little area and Dance. It was kinda hard not having a partner until I met crosshair. He snuck our of his area becuase he wanted to be alone and Well.. that how we met. He became my dance partner late at night it's reason he is so quick and stealthy" he chuckles while reliving the memory.

"That sounds lovely Wrecker. So you didn't know the Batch back as Cadets?" You as with a tilted head eyes focused on him.

"Most of us didn't know that others existed. It was only after Nala Se caught Cross disapreaing and getting up with me did she slowly let use meet others. All use boys didn't get along to wrll with our Original Batch so we ended dup forming our own little family" he states as you both continue to slow dance with Wrecker.

"I still can't believe you and crosshair were dancing partners, but it is quite fitting" you say while resting your head against his shoudler. "Hahaha don't yell him I told you, he will have my head" he says learning down to press a light kiss to your forehead.

"So... any other interesting Hobbies other then dancing?" You ask trying to tease him which makes his smile widen.

"Yes, Nala Se taught me how to sew becuase she made Lula For me back as Cadet but at the time she couldn't keep fixing her so, Nala taught me to sew so I could fix her. And well I became the one to go to for patching clothes" he states very proudly as you both spin around again.

"You truly are a big teddy bear wreck, the boys are lucky to have you." You state back to him leaning up to kiss him on the lips.

He hums lightly as he looks down to you with his mismatched eyes. "Don't go aroudn telling anyone I have an appearance to keep up" he says seriously before breaking into a laughter which makes you follow.

"Love you Wrecker and your crazy Shenanigans"

"Love you to Tiny and your two left feet" he jokes back at you.

[sortavibing]

what the haikyuu!! boys/girls favorite songs/bands are📼

hello! this is my first post so i hope im doing it right :P anyways enjoy!

karasuno💾

daichi: Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey. he’s such a typical dad holy shit so yeah he 100% listens to this i don’t know what else to say like- 🤠 yeah he probably sings it in his minivan (you cannot convince me that he doesn’t drive a minivan)

sugawara: WAP by Cardi B. yes we stan this bad bitch. he LOVES this song like he can do the dance and everything and he pulls it off like the baddie he is please someone animate this i NEED it anyways yeah he doesn’t really sing it but he 100% has done the dance in front of daichi.

asahi: Lullaby by Johannes Brahms. this baby hes such a slut for classical music and he always listens to it before a big game to calm his nerves. he pretends that he’s listening to something “tough” but everyone knows that he listens to classcial, they just pretend to not know.

nishinoya: Old Town Road by Lil Nas X. yeah, he hasn’t gotten out of the old town road phase and he unironically sings it and does a yeehaw dance. no one can stop him because everyone (except tanaka) is too embarrassed to be around him when he sings and dances, so he thinks it’s ok (honey, no), also, tanaka sometimes joins in and it’s painful to hear and see.

tanaka: GOOBA by 6xi9ine. he thinks it’s “badass” and tries to rap it whenever it comes on, and he fails horribly, but nishinoya always hypes him up saying that he did a good job, causing him to start singing again please save karasuno from hinata, nishinoya, and tanaka’s singing

ennoshita: Cough Syrup by Young The Giant. though it may not seem like it, but this man has got music TASTE like- yes. anyways yeah this song is a vibe and he really likes it. he once tried to introduce good music to tanaka and nishinoya, but they said it was “boring” and “sappy” and he never wanted to beat them up more than he did then.

kageyama: he listens to like play by play volleyball games or podcasts that talk about improving your skills because he’s a hoe for that volleyball shit try and prove me wrong i dare you

hinata: Red by Taylor Swift. he has terrible music taste and he literally just listens to what’s popular and like what his sister listens to. he likes to sing outloud and his voice is worse than oikawa- like karasuno cannot handle hinata singing at all it’s literal earrape.

tsukishima: Fancy by Twice. tsukki is a hardcore kpop stan, and he 100% listens to twice religiously, like that's the majority of his playlist, and he refuses to play his music out loud, and everyone thinks he listens to like rock or some shit like that. only yams knows that tsukki listens to it and he was sworn to secrecy.

yamaguchi: Sports by Beach Bunny. he likes to hum it quietly to himself because he really likes the beat and the lyrics. tsukishima has this song saved on his playlist just for yams and he plays it whenever they share headphones.

kiyoko: Body by Megan Thee Stallion. i dont know what to say, she is just a baddie who loves the confidence boost she gets from listening to this song as she should kiyoko is amazing she even learned the tiktok dance to this song and she performed it to yaichi yaichi.exe has stopped working but she won’t show it to anyone else anyways shes just a baddie and we stan.

yachi: Green by Cavetown. yeah she really likes the calming peaceful vibes this song has and she likes to sing it quietly when she is in a public place, like a bus or a subway to calm herself down and she also plays it when she studies.

aoba johsai 📼

oikawa: Bubblegum Bitch by MARINA because it just raidates that “i’m hotter than you” energy (just like he does our twink king). he prob sings it in the locker room while everyone is changing and his singing bursts everyones eardrums omg the whole team hates oikawa’s singing so much

matsukawa: Toad sings WAP he’s such a memer like- yeah so he and makki probably obsess over these toad sings video because 1. they are funny as hell like it’s some god tier comedy and 2. they say oikawa sounds like that when he sings it’s true tho

hanamaki: Toad sings Sweet Home Alabama. he and mattsun have a running debate about which one is better, and they ask the opinions of literally everyone they meet about it. so far more people have chose maki’s favorite song and he’s a little smug about it.

iwaizumi: Ride by twenty one pilots. this is probably like one of his secret pleasures. most people think he listens to like rap or something like that, but he really likes this song. he hopes that oikawa will never find out about this, because he will never hear the end of the teasing, so he just listens to this song while he is by himself, or just without the team.

yahaba: Walking On A Dream by Empire Of The Sun. idk this just feels right, like i really have no explanation why i think this works it just does🤠

kindaichi: Wake Me Up bye Avicii. this man is borderline bad taste, but we will let it slide for now, so yeah again, he just gives me the avicii stan vibes, he probably thought he would like rap more, but one day he heard avicii playing on the radio and he was hooked. he still pretends to like rap because he has a “reputation”

kunimi: Advice by Cavetown. this man gives absolutley zero fucks about everyone’s opinions you bet your ass he listens to this song. he 100% puts headphones in to listen to this while someone is talking to him because he just doesn’t want to have a conversation with them. everyone hates when he does that, but again, he doesn’t give a shit.

kyotani: We Will Rock You by Queen. yeah this is probably his pump up jam and he always listens to it before a game to get hyped up. if anyone dares to talk to him while he has headphones in, he will not hesitate to bite their head off i know this for a fact.

nekoma💾

kuroo: Yarichin Bitch Club OP. ever since kenma introduced him to anime OPs, he’s been obsessed, and he loves the yarichin op becuase 1. it’s dirty and he thinks that’s funny and 2. it actually slaps like why does it go so hard i’m in awe- anyways yeah he always sings it in the most public places just to get attention bc he’s a whore for the spotlight like that 😌. he also sings it with bokuto whenever they are together bc we stan the dumbass duo.

yaku: Arms Tonite by Mother Mother. yeah he is kinda obsessed with mother mother but this is hands down his favorite song. lev once heard yaku listening to this song and made fun of it, and let’s just say lev got the ass whopping of his life, yaku takes no prisoners- anyways yeah he just vibes with it and it’s great.

yamamoto: Who Let The Dogs Out by Baha Men. the whole nekoma team HATES his music taste, and they never let him play any music becasue- it’s just so bad i’m sorry this man has no taste like have you seen his hair? (the slander is real :))

kenma: Hikaru Nara (Your Lie in April OP) kenma loves to listen to anime ops while gaming bc they are highkey all bops and he says they help him concentrate. he tried to get kuroo to listen to the songs with him, and kuroo started to like listening to anime OPs, so they usually listen to them together.

fukunaga: he listens to like john mulaney comedy shows becuse he’s a little dork like that and (timeskip spoiler) he becomes a comedian later on so it just fits 🤠

inuoka: Roar by Katy Perry. again, it’s just the vibes that i get from him, i can’t explain it, he just seems like a big dork who would like this shit. so yeah, he probably sings this song really loudly when it comes on and the whole nekoma team just has to tolerate him when he does it.

lev: Ra Ra Rasputin by Boney M. he probably started listening to this song as a joke because he’s Russian, and the songs about Russia, but he genuinely started enjoying it and whenever it comes on, he starts singing. his voice isn’t actually that bad but yaku still gets annoyed as hell when he does it and beats the shit out of him.

fukurodani 📼

bokuto: Mr. Brightside by The Killers. he gets really excited when this plays and always gets up to sing it really really loudly, and do a really energetic dance. akaashi calm your child please he’s not a good singer, but he’s not a terrible one either, so the team has just gotten used to it.

akaashi: This Side of Paradise by Coyote Theory. eep akaashi the hopeless romantic we stan- anyways yeah he found this band in like his first year of high school and has been addicted ever since. he doesn’t really share his taste in music with others, but the one time he let bokuto listen to music with him, bokuto got way to excited and accidentally dropped akaashi’s phone and cracked it.

konoha: Spirits by The Strumbellas. idk i just feel like he would listen to this song. he would never play his music out loud though, because bokuto always takes the aux cord/ speaker before anyone gets the chance to.

shiratorizawa💾

ushijima: he doesn’t listen to music. like if tendou offers to play music with him, he’ll accept, but like he’s just confused why people like listening to music so much, so he will just listen with that face he always makes (😐) while tendo is jumping around, dancing, and going batshit crazy.

semi: All I Wanted by Paramore. he is flat out obsessed with this band and he learned how to play this song on his electric guitar and has went to a couple of their concerts. semi 100% makes fun of his teammates music taste as he should

tendou: Yoda CBT remix (i linked it if you want to listen), ok but seriously, i think money machine by 100 Gecs. tendo is so chaotic and i think his music taste reflects that. he cannot listen to music without dancing or singing, and he always plays his music on full volume (hearing? what’s that?) tendo never gets the aux cord, because the last time they gave it to him, the speakers almost broke.

goshiki: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor. this little dork omg i really don’t have an explanation for this, it just fits and i take no criticism on this because y’all know it’s true.

shirabu: Cigarette Ahegao by Penelope Scott. semi introduced him to this song and he pretened he didn’t like it but he’s secretly obsessed. i think he generally doesn’t like music but this song- this song is such a vibe that he has to like it. (anyways yeah go listen to this song its so good)

inarizaki 📼

kita: Animal by Neon Trees. he isn’t really open about listening to music, he only listens to his songs when he is alone and when he has earbuds in, and if someone walks up to him to talk, he takes his earphones out (we stan a respectful boy). so yeah, he isn’t a big fan of music, but he still likes to listen from time to time.

aran: You Know It by Colony House. he will never listen to music in front of anyone because whenever he hears this song, he has to sing, and he doesn’t like singing in front of people (the miya twins are annoying he can’t do anything in front of them🙄), but yeah, this songs really good we stan this man’s music taste.

atsumu: Girls in the Hood by Megan Thee Stallion. this man LOVES this song like- he is obsessed. if you ask him something, he will literally reply with “can’t talk right now, doing hot girl shit” and he just walks away and ur just like- what the fuck bro. anyways yeah he thinks he’s a bad bitch but he really is just a dork.

suna: 505 by The Arctic Monkeys. yeah, the basic choice would probably be “why’d you only call me when you’re high”, but i feel like he would like this song better because it starts off kinda vibey, and then it goes into this great guitar bit, and just- the v i b e s so yeah i think he really likes this shit.

osamu: cooking podcasts. like he literally doesn’t listen to music, just shit about cooking. atsumu makes fun of him for it and he is just like “bitch shut up and go do ur hot girl shit 😐” and just walks away and keeps on listening to his cooking shit. (we stan this petty bitch)

others💾

saeko: E-GIRLS ARE RUINING MY LIFE! by CORPSE and Savage Ga$p. this is self explanatory, she just is a bad bitch and this is what bad bitches listen to 😌 she def has played this song while getting it on with someone.

terushima: Bust It Open by Lil’ Wil. we all know terushima listens to these thirst trap songs and tries to do the tik tok dances that are associated with them. he probably posts videos to these songs on tik tok and they get a good amount of likes (cough cough he has a following of many thirsty girls).

sakusa: 24 hours of nothing yeah he doesn’t listen to music he just puts this on with headphones so people won’t bother him. he finds the silence relaxing and hates it when people interrupt him (cough cough atsumu)

btw: for some of the songs that aren’t on basic streaming services, i linked the youtube video for them.

anyways, i hope you enjoyed my first post [eep finishing this made me really happy]! have a nice day!

bye for now🌊

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

Ether Solrac: I have come with even more Chloé Couffaine AU headcanons and these are even crazier than the last.

*First off, I've been thinking of a miraculous this Chloé could use and honestly I think the best fit is actually the dragon. Think about it, dragons are usually powerful but vilainized by the people and they're known for being super possessive of their hoard. What better match for an absolute rebel with a heart of gold that's super protective of her family and friends that she sees as her hoard. Sort of a "I'll become the monster so that no one else has to" thing.

* On that note I think Sabrina should get the bee. The bee is supposed to be a representation of will right? Make her story about her learning to speak up for herself as she stands up to her father and overcomes her self-doubts to learn to follow her own morals/values and become a truly independant person. Sort of learning to be her own "queen"

* Now there was an ask that mentioned a Chloé x Sabrina x Alix polyship and now I absolutely love the idea. Spin around the original concept of them being the mean girl squad and instead make them Team Rebel. Chloé and Alix are already best friends and they see this sweet innocent girl in desperate need of letting her feral side out so they almost immediately adopt her as part of the group.

* The connection between Chloé and Sabrina has more or less been cemented but I was thinking of something extra crazy for the Chloé and Alix part. This Alix is one that has already altered the timeline. She comes from a timeline where Chlolix was a already established and they had a more or less canon Chloé that has been through her redemption.

One day she gets warned of an urgent anamoly way back in the past, she stops it from causing a catastrophic event but in doing so, there was an unintended butterfly effect that set up the Chloé Couffaine universe. Alix is conflicted becuase as much as she wants to change things back she can't risk the timeline, not only that, but this Chloé looks so much happier than her own, so open and happy with the girl she is, that she can't bring herself to change that either. So now she has mixed feelings seeing the girl she technically loved be so different and yet so similar at the same time.

It probably doesn't help that this Chloé has made her the best friend and can be incredibly affectionate with those she truly cares about and trusts. She ends up falling for this Chloé just as hard, if not harder, than the "original" Chloé.

As for Alix and Sabrina, she quickly admits that Chloé was right when she said that Sabrina was "a precious cinamon roll that must be protected at all costs." Without the damage canon chloe did, this Sabrina is still shy but not as afraid to actually open up. And when she does, Alix is floored by how great a conversationalist Sabrina can be, and how much she enjoys listening to the girl speak her mind. Both her and Chloé become determined to solidify this side of her and even bring out that feral streak they've been catching glimpses of.

* For the student council elections Sabrina actually becomes the president with the support of Chloé and Alix in an attempt to bring her out of her shell. Also this helps give Marinette a god damn break becuase holy shit that girl does not need so much on her plate...

* Caline has a huge crush on Anakra ever since she first met her at a parent-teacher conference. Chloé is their biggest shipper. (Also this is here becuase this blog created this ship and so it shall remain until its final days. Is it a blessing? Is it a curse? I personally love it, but I'll let you all be the judge.)

* Chloé has a pair of pitch black pilot sunglasses that she puts on whenever she thinks "shits about to go down." Anyone remember Ash's Squirtle and how it always took out its sunglasses whenever it wanted to be dramatic as fuck? That's Chloé.

I'm sure I'll think of more but I think that's enough for one post.

——

FFFFFFFUCK I LOVE THAT.

POOR ALIX OH SHIT

I think unrequited Chlolix is amazing, especially with these timeline shenanigans, especially if she’s keeping that hidden even after Chlobrina hits canon. It’s melancholic.

I’m now imagining some “TELL YOUR DARKEST SECRET” akuma showing up and hitting Alix- Chloe somehow gets pulled into it, and they pass out.

They fall into Alix’s mind, into a replica of where they fell asleep, then It warps the world and like some screen projector, shows what happened. Chloe watches a brief moment of the past timeline in silence, of the loving looks in her own and alix’s eyes, Alix waving at Chloe and saying she’ll be back once the timeline is fixed, and how that never happened.

She looks back at a shaken and horrified Alix, who never wanted Chloe Couffaine to see that. From both shame, guilt, and hurt. And it’s just.. painful cause Chloe Couffaine just doesn’t see Alix that way and can’t force herself to. And Alix just smiles and says “I know. You’ve always done what you wanted. It’s what I love about you. Here and then.”

She just goes silent before speaking again “Im really happy, that, you’re happy. You know. That’s all I’ve ever wanted you to be. Happy. Okay. and you are right now, and that’s everything to me. Even if you aren’t.. uh- mine anymore.”  Chloe asks if this means Alix knows who her birth mom is and Alix nods, but says “Trust me, I think it’s good that you don’t know” and Chloe nods. They hug, and Alix does her best not to break down, but after seeing those memories again- she can’t hold it in, and she admits that it genuinely feels like someone she loved died.

The projection dies and they’re left in the room again. Chloe being conflicted a bit, as she had no idea and felt a little hurt that Alix never told her, and Alix feeling tired.

No one asks what happened. 

[the-fiction-witch]

Apologize P6

REAL LIFE: COUPLE: TBS X READER RATING: SMUT

Once we got to mine we had some simple dinner and went up to my room playing old video games for a while, "Hey Uhhh Y/n, I've been thinking about what you said the other day" he says as I was playing a rather puzzling Lara croft level while Thomas sat beside me his arm around my back "What did I say the other day?" I asked "You know the day you let me Uhhh... Touch your-" he blushed looking at my chest "you know" "Want to again? You don't have to ask Thomas you can just do it" I laughed "Well... Later sugar, actually I've been thinking about what you said about you not being comfortable with me touching your...area?" "Umm?" I asked pausing the game "Look it's just an idea tell me to shut up but it though maybe we could maybe if we wanted to do something physical other then making out and me getting to feel your boobs maybe we could just cuddle up and .. touch ourselves" he suggested "How would that work?" I asked "Well we would lay down together" he smirked pulling me gently to lay down on my back with him next to me "and maybe cuddle up or start kissing and... Just play with ourselves that way I'm not touching you but we can still do stuff" he explained "I don't know how too" I whispered "Y-you what?" He laughs "I don't know how" I blushed "You don't know how to...play with yourself?" And I shook my head "aww that's so sweet, and kinda sad, so you've never in your life had an orgasum?" "No' I blushed "Oh you poor thing" he says giving me a kiss "I could always teach you?" "How would you know about girl stuff?" I asked "I'll admit, I've watched alot of porn" he says

"Im not sure, I mean Im okay with just making you feel happy and good, I can go without an orgasum"

"No becuase then i feel like a dick Y/n, its not fair I get one and you don't?"

"but whats so good about one anyway? Im okay" I shrug

"what so- my god you can tell you've never had one" he laughs "They feel amazing like the best feeling in the known universe okay, and if Im going to have one I want you too aswell"

Not long after we where laid out bodies under my duvet, in our underwear gasping for air both of us overwhelmed and exaughted "Fuck..." He said between breaths "fucking hell that was... Just fuck" he muttered "Was it-" I began "oh fuck you don't even need to ask sugar" he says "fuck that was good Y/n." He smirked "what about you? Was it okay?" "Very good" I smiled nuzzling close to him "again?' I giggled after a little while once we got our breath back "Again? It's addictive isn't it?" He laughs and I nodded "you really wanna go again?" "Very much" I giggled "Humm okay come on sugar' he smirked pulling me back to kissing him... I humming my little tune as I listened to my headphones while I read my book, it was the last day for this year of college and I was thrilled all my grades perfect for my next year so I had little to do until suddenly my book was thrown from my hand across the room hands on my waist and lips on mine. I considered screaming, biting this person, kicking them like crazy before I realized who the familiar lips belonged too as he pulled away "Hi Thomas" I laughed "Hi Y/n, guess what!" He said excitedly "What?" I laughed "I passed! Top of my class" "Aww well done Thomas" I laughed "can I have my book back?" I asked "Ohh yeah sorry" he blushed going and fetching my book bringing it back for me "aren't you happy?' "Of course I am, but I knew you'd pass Thomas" I smiled giving his cheek a kiss making him blush a little more "You ready to head home?" He asks and I nodded so we gathered our stuff and went out to his car driving down the sunny roads "So I have this awesome plan for his next week" he smirked "Ohh do you?" I laughed "Don't judge till you hear my amazing plans" "Go on" "Right, this week to celebrate our end of our first year of college we are going on an adventure" "Right?' "We are going camping" he says "our own little tent, all by ourselves, all week" "Why do I think you didn't come up with this?' I laughed "Okay... You got me." He sighed as he drove "Dan did, him and Mark are going camping together and... I thought it sounded like a good idea" "And?" "And my dad will throw a fit if they go on there own..." "So Dan and mark are coming with us?' I laughed "Well yeah but they will have there own tent and be like away from us. So you gonna come?" "Sure" I laughed "Yes, that my girl" he smiled kissing my hand "so pack your bag but not to much okay sugar it's a week but we only have a little tent" he says as we parked up by my house and headed up to my room "I have my own single airbed if you want? I can bring it with me" I said as I sat on my bed "Well Uhhh u don't really think our tent with have room for two singles sugar..." He explained sitting with me "I was kinda thinking we could uhh maybe just rough it on a nice double airbed?" He smirked giving my neck tickly kissed "Ahh Thomas" I giggled pushing him away "why do I think your using this as an excuse to share a bed for a week?" "I'm not using it as an excuse Y/n it's just that... Dan and mark will get to snuggle up all week, if I'm going to be away on some seaside holiday with my brother and his boyfriend in some tiny little tent... Least I can get out of it is a snuggle with my girlfriend" I couldn't help but blush hearing that word "What?" He laughs "why are you going all red sugar?" He laughs "You've not called me that before" I laughed "Called you what?" "Your girlfriend" I blushed "Haven't I? Could have sworn I have" he says "Once... While beating up Daniel" "See I have" "I kinda assumed you just kinda said that... If nothing else but for simplicity, that's my girlfriend sounds alot more powerful in a argument then thats the girl I'm seeing" I explain "Your right' he laughs "but I do think of you as my girlfriend Y/n, unless... Your not okay with that?' "No, more then okay" I smiled giving him a kiss .

I packed my suitcase as tightly as I could having to sit on it to get the zip to close having another extra bag of stuff that wouldn't fit, it's hard to fit a week of stuff in one bag, as soon as it got it all together mostly having packed dresses and such I did my make up and headed down to the little house seeing Thomass car parked on the drive as him and Dan tried desperately to for everything in, I suddenly felt even worse for my suitcase of clothes when mark who was sat on the bonnet saw me and waved "Morning Y/n" he smiled "Ohh hey Y/n" Dan waved from inside the boot as he had climbed inside in an attempt to organise it "Ahh Y/n your here sugar" Thomas smiled as he abandoned his brother and gave me a hug "Who's this?" A stern voice asked I looked and saw Thomas and moms dad looking as angry as usual "Y/n dad, you've met her before" Thomas sighed holding my hand "Have I?" "Briefly met her before" he corrected "Y/n his is my dad, dad this is Y/n... My girlfriend" "Just hurry up" his dad sighed before going in the house I went over to help Dan but he looked so defeated as he saw my suitcase "Four people going camping for a week, can't fit in a fucking Corsa!" He complained "Sorry" "It's not your fault Y/n, it wouldn't be so bad if somebody wasn't taking three different outfit options for each day" "I like choice" mark complained "And if someone else wasn't taking six boxes of condoms!" "Dan shut up, there for everyone' Thomas complained "We don't use them, neither of us can get pregnant, six boxes, six boxes of twelve condoms... That is seventy two condoms! How much sex are you planning to be having?" Dan complained "You guys should use condoms" I said "there not just for pregnancy, they help stop the spread of STI's and STD's" "Really?" Mark asked "Yeah... Wasn't this covered in health class?" "Ohh honey we didn't even get straight sex advice let alone info for us" Dan answered "That's shit" Thomas said "Indeed it is" Dan laughed as by some miracle we got it all to fit in the car with a little overhang into the back footwells I honestly wouldn't have been suprised if when we got there we opened the boot and everything explodes out and we all got in opening our windows and starting playing some CDs "We ready?" Thomas asks "Yeah!" We all yelled "Right let's get going then" Thomas smiled as he started up "and we will stop for hash browns and egg muffins" "Yay!!!!" I sat in the car watching as Thomas and Dan put up the tents on this little Mablethorpe campsite Dan and marks tent was orange and me and Thomas's was blue, our windbreaks around our little tents, even if our tents are far enough apart we wouldn't hear each other our campfire set up in the middle, I sat in the passenger seat as Mark sat in the back seat having a cigarette

"Hey guys we're already" Dan yelled so I got out starting to sort out my stuff crawling into the little tent to sort out, as soon as I got in I noticed the space for all the stuff and the sleeping compartment so I put all the stuff in from the car and I unzipped the sleeping compartment to put my stuff in but there was only one kingsized airbed where Thomas laid over the duvet on his stomach his head on his hand

"Hi Honey" He smirked

"Hi Thomas" I smiled

"Soooo... You wanna come snuggle in bed with me Y/n?" He asks

"Well I don't have much of a choice" I laughed "Either that or bunk with Dan and mark, and I have a feeling they don't want me in there tent

"Don't worry I'll keep you nice and warm" he smiles grabbing my waist and pulling me on top of him I laughed and tried pushing him away both of us bouncing around on the airbed giggling like crazy.

We spent most of that first-day unpacking and setting everything up till it began to get dark so we sat around our little campfire roasting some marshmallows

"Hey, Y/n? You ready to get to bed?" Thomas asks

"Sure" I smiled

"Okay night guys," Thomas told them

"Goodnight boys" I smiled giving them a little wave as I unzipped the tent and climbed in instantly going off into the sleeping compartment Thomas climbing in behind me zipping the tent up behind us

"So... how about we have a little snuggle before bedtime?" Thomas smiled as he got changed outside the sleeping compartment while I got into my nightie

"I'm not sure Thomas, all this sea air has made me very sleepy" I admit

"Awwww... Okay, Y/n" He laughed tapping on the sleeping compartment door "Can I come in?"

"Give me a sec," I told him as I quickly got sorted and got into bed under the covers reading my book "Okay you can come in Thomas"

"Thanks, Y/n" He smiled coming in and zipping the bedroom door space as he climbed into bed with me getting under the covers with me in his loose-fitting grey shirt and his blue shorts "So... can I have a cuddle?" he asks

"Okay" I smiled putting my book down and laying my head on his chest it was nice and cosy, his heartbeat calm and sweet

"Y/n?" He said after a while as his hand started playing with my hair

"What is it Thomas?" I yawned

"I love you," He says

"what?" I asked sitting up a little, the twilight outside in the sky, the campsite light still on with the light coming in shining a blue-hued light across his face as he laid under the purple striped duvet on the slightly bouncy airbed

"I said I love you, Y/n," He says "it's okay... I understand Y/n, after everything I understand you're probably not ready to be like that with me" He says

"Thomas, I love you too," I told him giving his lips a gentle kiss

"Ummm... I love you so much Y/n, My beautiful girlfriend"

"Aww I love you too Thomas, you're a good boyfriend" I smiled snuggling back with him closely

"Thomas?" I asked

"Yeah Y/n?"

"Tell me again" I giggled

"umm I love you honey" He smiled giving my head a kiss

"Again?" I giggled

[fisherfurbearer]

fuck sam walmarts

and fuck management

I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.

as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.

this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares

basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.

decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track

today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in

i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch

i gott my first break on timeish.

then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok

really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of

anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while

but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk

i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD

nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone

im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,

manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry

and theyy just. fckkng

ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”

i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh

this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...

she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt

andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????

andd i jjst

ive HAD IT with her

ive had ittt

im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that

then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome

ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.

i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD

I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO

i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow

she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas

i d ont know what to doo

i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh

ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff

i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww

i jjst dont know what to doo...

i cantt stop cryingg

i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.

last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash

goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.

[rhiezus]

               1989 As Our Ships, Moments & Characters.

Welcome To New York

This song is kind of annoying but it’s a classic, of course that I thought of Kim Yura and Abe Chiyo first because... c’mon, first Yura was born in New York and second the lyrics is very them... Also a little bit of WNDR? Because of their tour? I mean they getting famous and coming to America, it also reminded me of them a lot because it’s like fame is been waiting for them.

Walking through a crowd, the village is aglow Kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats Everybody here wanted something more Searching for a sound we hadn't heard before

I mean you can see why I mentioned WNDR right?

When we first dropped our bags on apartment floors Took our broken hearts, put them in a drawer Everybody here was someone else before And you can want who you want Boys and boys and girls and girls

Also Kim Yura and Abe Chiyo forgetting their past to be together and shit.

Blank Space

Okay I have no idea, I thought of Linlin but... I don’t know, the thing is this album has a lot of “personas” created by Taylor so it’s hard to tell which one of them is who. I have no idea, seriously, let’s just listen and think together. 

Style

I was thinking about this one while I was washing the dishes, that’s why I decided to do this today, hehe. Okay so hear me out, first I remembered this whole album I tried to associate with Nayoung years ago but then I was remembering our ships and came up with Julie and Valak, but I was like? Not so much because they are very dragged only by each other, so I don’t know. Then I though of 2sun, I was like, yes? Very much. But then, finally out of nowhere I was... Oh my god this is Ruy and Hai.

The lights are off, he's taking off his coat (mm, yeah) I say, "I heard, oh That you've been out and about with some other girl" Some other girl He says, "What you heard is true, but I Can't stop thinking 'bout you, and I" I said, "I've been there too a few times"

Right? I mean... It was exactly why i thought about them.

Oh, you got that James Dean daydream look in your eye And I got that red lip classic thing that you like And when we go crashing down (and when we go) We come back every time 'Cause we never go out of style, we never go out of style

The gays literally never go out of style, that’s why we keep making them.

Out Of The Woods

Oh my baby, I love this song. Funny thing that when this about first launched, I didn’t like this song because I thought it was too repetitive but then when I came across while we were in the mood “nayoung x keun breakup fiasco thing”, I just fell in love with it. Because it’s literally Nayoung’s mind, I just- Yeah. I also I was just thinking about how it reminds me of Danbi and Daehyun too, somehow?

Looking at it now It all seems so simple We were lying on your couch I remember You took a Polaroid of us Then discovered (then discovered) The rest of the world was black and white But we were in screaming color

It makes so much sense, yes. I don’t have much to say about 1989 this album just speaks for itself, I just point the people that it speaks to.

Looking at it now Last December (last December) We were built to fall apart Then fall back together (back together) Your necklace hanging from my neck The night we couldn't quite forget When we decided, we decided To move the furniture so we could dance Baby, like we stood a chance

December? Does it ring a bell? Haha, we knew. 

Also, I gotta add this description by Genius, again: The repetitive nature of the chorus reinforces the idea that the fear and nerves that came with the relationship were overbearing and completely took over her thoughts. 

When you started crying, baby, I did too But when the sun came up, I was looking at you Remember when we couldn't take the heat? I walked out and said, "I'm setting you free" But the monsters turned out to be just trees When the sun came up, you were looking at me

I wanna cry this is so Nayoung and Keun, for god sakes... Finally they out of the woods kkkjkjk

All You Had To Do Was Stay

Anna and Kuen, I literally just thought of it. Before I thought of Haneul and Hyuntae, but honestly? Totally Anna and Kuen, I can literally see.

People like you always want back The love they gave away And people like me wanna believe you When you say you've changed The more I think about it now The less I know All I know is that you drove us Off the road

Yeah, I mean, I’m still out of words, I’m just trying to make my point cross effectively. 

Let me remind you This was what you wanted You ended it You were all I wanted  But not like this

Yes?? Also, she repeats the “stay” like a hundred times so, yeah.

Shake It Off

It is still Hailey to me, or just WNDR being goofyes in the dorm. Literally what Taylor says about this song just speaks to WNDR in a nutshell: I really wanted it to be a song that made people want to get up and dance at a wedding reception from the first drum beat. But I also wanted it to be a song that could help someone get through something really terrible if they wanted to focus on the emotional profile, on the lyrics.

But I keep cruisin' Can't stop, won't stop groovin' It's like I got this music in my mind Saying it's gonna be alright

So yeah, nothing more to say. 

I Wish You Would

I literally can’t stand the connections between Taylor’s songs and Harry anymore on genius, but here we go. This song is about while he was in the car making the decision to get out the car and see her, she was sitting in her bedroom, wishing he would make the move and go back to her and just pitch up at her house. She compared it to a classic John Hughes movie where both parties want the same thing but neither has the guts to say anything.... So it did kinda reminded me of Nayoung and Keun, can you blame me, no? BecUASE LITERALLY ALL THIS ALBNUM Oh MY gOD, This is so Bonghu and Sanchan breakup days too... 

I wish you would come back Wish I never hung up the phone like I did, I Wish you knew that I'd never forget you as long as I live, and I Wish you were right here, right now, it's all good

Like, shut up?? It’s totally young Bonghu and Sanchan, okay? Okay.

It's 2AM in my room Headlights pass the window pane I think of you We're a crooked love in a straight line down Makes you want to run and hide But it makes you turn right back around

Hahahah, I soooo I’m right, I don’t knowkkjl.

Bad Blood.

THIS IS CHIHYE AND INNA. OH. MY. GOD. THIS IS SO CHIHYE AND INNA. ALSO. THIS IS 7SINS TO JULIE. KKKK IM DYING. Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?‘ she did something so horrible. I was like, ‘Oh, we’re just straight-up enemies.’ .... 7SINS ABOUT JULIE, AND CHIHYE AND INNA ABOUT Hmm NothING THEY JUST BITTER (MAYBE BC BOTH MARRIED PYONGHO AND ONE LITERALLY FOR NOTJISNJKJ)

Did you have to do this? I was thinking that you could be trusted Did you have to ruin what was shiny? Now it's all rusted Did you have to hit me where I'm weak?

I mean Julie literally kind of destroyed 7sins so I can see the point of anger, and Chihye is just a bitch so yeah...

Band-aids don't fix bullet holes You say sorry just for show If you live like that, you live with ghosts

Yes girls, that’s why them, in the end, make peace with each other is all good SPB is the bitch here c’mon... And I mean Chihye and Inna were never “friends” again because they never really saw each other again but Inna always made an effort and still wanted Chihye to be alright? So it’s true she lives with ghosts, she went nuts... But I wonder now if their friendship never ended because off status and guy problems, maybe... just maybe... Chihye would have moved on for a better life and maybe even Nayoung wouldn’t have been born and things would be good. In the other hand, 7sins was built to break because SPB was poor and hanging by a string, so all that shit just was the point of the iceberg so it was fine judging Julie for a while because she didn’t take it personally and when things were revealed that it indeed was for the best, they didn’t share grudges and just moved on with their lives like they were supposed to. 

Wildest Dreams.

We literally just talk about her, I mean Chihye is every tragic story about Taylor.. But, in a way, this could also be about Inna and Pyongho, or Lian and Chihye, it depends on the day. ALSO COULD BE OH MY GOD ARAKI AND KAYNKKKJ, yes. 

He said, "Let's get out of this town Drive out of this city, away from the crowds" I thought, "Heaven can't help me now" Nothing lasts forever But this is gonna take me down

OH, YES BRING ME THE TRAGIC BRING ME THE PAIN BRING ME THE SAD AND MEMORIES AND LONG LASTING LOVE AND YEEEEAAAAH. I’ll shut up.

He's so tall and handsome as hell He's so bad, but he does it so well I can see the end as it begins My one condition is

This just applies to Lian and Kayn, oh what a combination. Maybe not even them because they are nice too.

You'll see me in hindsight, tangled up with you all night Burnin' it down Someday when you leave me, I'd bet these memories Follow you around

Yes, Araki and Kayn & Lian and Chihye all in one song. Maybe I was just crazy with Pyongho and Inna, I don’t know, I get crazy all the time. This verse made me want to answer one of smutty times between Araki and Kayn, because literally all they do is fuck and miss each other.

How You Get The Girl

Finally, you are here Haneul and Hyuntae, I’ve waited to talk about how much this song is them because... You will see it. First Taylor says: It’s written for a guy who has broken up with his girlfriend, then wants her back after six months. But it’s not going to be as simple as sending a text like, ‘Sup? Miss you.’ That won’t work. You need to do all the things I say.

Stand there like a ghost Shaking from the rain, rain She'll open up the door and say, "Are you insane?" Say it's been a long six months And you were too afraid to tell her what you want

It wasn’t exactly like that, but a girl can imagine and not everything has to be right. First, because that’s literally Hyuntae realizing he did things wrong and missed his timing to explain things, but Haneul is just pissed at his ass. 

I want you for worse or for better I would wait forever and ever Broke your heart, I'll put it back together I would wait forever and ever

Like I said, it wasn’t exactly like that but it was pretty similar. 

Remind her how it used to be, be, yeah-yeah With pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks, cheeks Tell her how you must have lost your mind, ooh-ooh When you left her all alone And never told her why, why

I meAN, I MEAN??? CmOn. I love the “pictures in frames of kisses on cheeks” because it’s so cheesy and so Haneul and Hyuntae when they were dating, they probably do have pictures like that on their cellphones and at a time Haneul’s cheesy ass must even have one framed to give to Hyuntae. AND YOU LEFT HER ALL ALONE AND NEVER TOLD HER WHY, cmOn, yeah?kkjk Also lost your mind, yes, it was the anxiety talking, not Hyuntae, makes sense...

Anyways, I love this cheesy song because the beat, the lyrics, everything reminds me of Haneul and Hyuntae’s relationship not only as lovers but as friends too, you know? Yeah *sobs*

This Love

Oh, it’s Lian and Chihye again. Okay, let me think... yeah, can’t... Yeah. Also I was just about to go to the other song, when I thought “maybe this is Taewoon and Hojin” and then all of sudden... This is also Hansol and Chan-u.

This love is good, this love is bad This love is alive back from the dead, oh-oh, oh These hands had to let it go free, and This love came back to me, oh-oh, oh

The sad melody, the way Taylor is whispering? I mean, almost makes me wanna cry because I love young Lian and Chihye just trying to survive. (( I also love young and innocent Hansol with wicked and confused Chan-u, how they managed to survive and still get married and shit? wHO KnoWS

Tossing, turning Struggled through the night with someone new And I could go on and on, on and on Lantern, burning Flickered in my mind, only you But you were still gone, gone, gone

Totally Chihye about being with Pyongho but wanting to be with Lian... LeT IT GO, GO IN TO THE LIGHT CHIHYEEEEEEE

Your kiss, my cheek I watched you leave Your smile, my ghost I fell to my knees When you're young, you just run But you come back to what you need

*sOBS*, this part is so sad what the fuckkkjk. DIE CHIHYE DIE I CANT TAKE YOUR SADNESS IN THIS ALBUM ANYMOre for god sakes. “when youre young, you just run but you come back to what you need” sounds like a board name,, OH MY GOD THIS COULD ALSO BE TAEWOON AND HOJIN OH MY GODKKKJK shut up ..... Hansol and Chan-u got married and Chihye is dead, get over it, life is good xd

I Know Places

I don’t really listen nor like this song, but the lyrics reminded me of Julie and Valak, i’m telling this album is about the terrible and twisted people. ALSO YURA AND CHIYO TOO BECAUSE THEY ARE GAY AND MEDIA IS A BITCH.

You stand with your hand on my waistline It's a scene and we're out here in plain sight I can hear them whisper as we pass by It's a bad sign, bad sign Something happens when everybody finds out See the vultures circling, dark clouds Love's a fragile little flame, it could burn out It could burn out

This is also jenkai. 

Baby, I know places we won't be found And they'll be chasing their tails trying to track us down 'Cause I, I know places we can hide I know places, I know places

For Julie and Valak the place is his car, that’s my theory. And Yura and Chiyo is just Japan... (jenkai is that park at midnight & jongin’s car). Oh my god, when Julie and Valak were discovered by dispatch imagine everyone like “valak drives?”

They are the hunters, we are the foxes And we run Just grab my hand and don't ever drop it My love

I’m addicted to this song now. 

Clean

My god I don’t know 2/4 of this album. It’s... Hansol and Chan-u, now that I remembered of them I simply won’t forget.

The drought was the very worst  When the flowers that we'd grown together died of thirst It was months and months of back and forth  You're still all over me Like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore

See? I mean their relationship is very complicated, but according to genius this song is about getting over a heartbreak and moving on with your life to rediscover yourself and like Taylor said: When it did hit me, it was like, ‘Oh, I hope he’s doing well’. And nothing else. And you know how it is when you’re going through heartbreak. A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It’s this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. Then time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, ‘Hello, beautiful. Good morning.’ You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was. You replace these old habits with new habits, like texting your friends in a group chat all day and planning fun dinner parties and going out on adventures with your girlfriends, and then all of a sudden one day you’re in London and you realize you’ve been in the same place as your ex for two weeks and you’re fine. And you hope he’s fine. The first thought that came to my mind was – I’m finally clean....... Also, it reminded me of Haneul and Hyuntae. 

Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you're clean, don't mean you don't miss it Ten months older, I won't give in Now that I'm clean, I'm never gonna risk it

I’m speechless for both ships. Also they both risk it so... hHAHAJKk Oh my god this is so Kaili getting over Julie too jkjkk jeez But finally what she says in the end sends me: The hidden message to Clean is “She lost him, but she found herself, and somehow that was everything.” This song is not just about losing someone you love – it’s also about losing yourself. Being clean is about moving on as a person and really taking care of yourself mentally.

Wonderland

How many songs are left for this, oh god... At this point I can only point Hansol and Chan-u too, I’m tired I’ve written to much. But because too: It is a description of a toxic relationship, from beginning to end. It uses the story of Alice In Wonderland as inspiration for the highs and lows of enjoying this state of relationship wanderlust, irrespective of negative consequences.

Didn't they tell us don't rush into things? Didn't you flash your green eyes at me? Haven't you heard what becomes of curious minds? Ooh, didn't it all seem new and exciting? I felt your arms twistin' around me I should have slept with one eye open at night

I seriously can’t take the Harry Styles on Genius anymore... You read this, you tell me who ship it is: https://genius.com/4254518

You Are In Love

I love this song *michael’s meme*. Seriously, ugh. Dedicated to all my lovebirds with a happy and healthy relationship who had been missing here because this album is so so very tragic and I haven’t got my time to mention them properly. Specially: Zeev and Eleanor, Kaili and Raye, Mark and Hana, Minhye and Jukan, Jinhyung and Kyungri... Who else?

Morning, his place Burnt toast, Sunday You keep his shirt, he keeps his word And for once, you let go Of your fears and your ghosts One step, not much, but it said enough You kiss on sidewalks You fight and you talk

This reminded me of Eleanor and Zeev... 

One night, he wakes Strange look on his face Pauses, then says "You're my best friend" And you knew what it was, he is in love

And this... Minhye and Jukan.

You can hear it in the silence (silence), silence (silence), you You can feel it on the way home (way home), way home (way home), you You can see it with the lights out (lights out), lights out (lights out) You are in love, true love

And this... Jinhyung and Kyungri.

And so it goes You two are dancing in a snow globe, 'round and 'round And he keeps a picture of you in his office downtown And you understand now Why they lost their minds and fought the wars And why I've spent my whole life trying to put it into words

Okay the “office downtown” reminded me of Keun and Nayoung... I’m telling, I love this song I just can’t pick one ship for it. Also this song Taylor wrote for her friends who are in love and this comment just cracked me up: Isn’t it much more likely (and adorable) to imagine Jack looking at a picture of Lena while he produces music in his home studio? kkkj 

New Romantics

THE BEST WAY TO FINISH THIS FINALLY CAUSE IM SO TIRED. LETS JUST LISTEN AND APPRECIATE FOR God sakes its been an hour.

just appreciate me screaming the lyrics of this song in telegram when it cames.

[queerpunkcryptid-archive-blog]

zaxal replied to your post “i found god’s love in a rowdy alehouse at 10pm on a sunday night ...”

THAT'S HOW IT BE SOMETIMES!!!

okay i wanna sleep but first i just gotta

so storytime, tw for generic suicidal feelings but nothing graphic at all but like

a few weeks ago, like. late july-ish since it was when i was old enough to be in a bar. i was planning to jump off a bridge near where i work, a freeway bridge, and like. i decided to get a few drinks first.

and as i got up to leave i saw a guy setting up his guitar and tip box at a table near the centre of the room. i decided, you know what, fuck it, i don’t need my money where i’m going, and went across the street to the place i work to buy something and take out some cash for the guy’s tip box.

well, his singing was good so i figured, whatever, i’ll stick around and listen to one song. then he acknowledged me. like. a complete stranger. he had no obligation like my coworkers or friends to talk to me but he did. and he kept it up, introducing himself or asking questions or just cracking jokes in between songs. i ended up staying the whole time.

so i didnt’ jump.

he’s there every other sunday so i came back two sundays later and, while tipsy, wrote him a letter on a receipt letting him know that he in essence saved my life. a coworker showed up and got wasted so he didn’t have a chance to really talk to me or read my note that night but i stayed to the end of his set

well today (another two weeks later) he was super glad that i was there bc he wanted to talk to me about the letter (which was an answer to his prayers, he said, and that he had shown to his wife who had cried)

i won’t go into crazy detail but basically he has always prayed his music would help others, and it obvs helped me, and he went into a long excited talk about god and how much he loved me and???

i’ve heard all this before but he made the point of teling me that nothing i do will ever take me away from god’s love, that god loves me and jesus died for me no matter what, and that my sexuality/whatever else is just a tiny sliver in the huge huge huge expanse that is me and it doesn’t matter as much as people think, it’s the heart

and he prayed for me in this freakin alehouse but he asked first and then again and then again becuase he wanted to be SURE i was okay with it, and he asked how i was feeling and listened to me talk about how i was afraid that the church cwas right and that i might end up in hell and he told me that they werne’t right, that the church gets a lot wrong and that jesus does love me

what really made me break down crying was him saying super insistently, “god is a better father than me. and i, as a father of a three year old, if you were my kid, i would love you no matter what, accept you no matter what, i would never reject you” and i was just. bawling tbh 

and he kept saying stuff like “you are His son” and addressing me as gabriel like “you, gabriel, are loved by him” and i have never heard a christian actually use my name or address me as god’s son and it. was emotional

he hugged me and recommended some films and was just so enthusiastic (this was his first time ever doing something like this or talking to someone like this cause he’s usually so nervous, but after reading my letter he just had to) and genuine and caring and he suggested i talk to god like i would a friend so im

gonna do that before bed but like

yeah no i’m shook but in a good way and i’m almost willing to be hopeful that this means something

[hpzen1805]

So, it's been a crazy ride these last few weeks.

Work was geting bad again, my supervisor (who has made a point to tell me that she's my colleague, not my supervisor, despite the fact that she runs the attorney's entire practice and requires that all work product be reviewed by her) started being horrible to me again. And it took this crazy thing and talking it over with my partner to realize that she's been gaslighting me this whole time.

Fun.

Things were getting bad and I was super stressed and not doing well at all (things were like when I started high school; I would wake up feeling sick to my stomach and almost vomit every morning because that's how my body deals with stress. Fun, right?)

But I had this class for work that was out of the office with my old senior paralegal, and it turned out to be just what I needed. She kind of knew what was going on already because she and I keep in contact, but we were able to actually talk about what was going on with both of us. I told her about the craziness at work and she told me how amazing her new office is. She also made a point to tell me that they were hiring and that she had talked me up so well that they wanted to see my resume. I didn't think it was going to go anywhere, but I needed some hope, so I agreed to send it to her.

At the class, I realized just how little these people who supposedly "wanted to teach me" about my field had really been keeping from me. The class went over things that I had been told were too advanced for me so simply that I found out that there was a whole exemption that we were utilizing that I had never been told about and which made the calculations that I had been struggling with make so much more sense. Of course, when I had done those calculations, I had been given a wkrd processing sheet to work with, and no explanation of why each part did what it did or what was supposed to be used to accomplish it. When I was told I did it wrong, the explanation was that "[I] couldn't know that because it comes with experience".

No. It comes from someone actually explaining shit. Just saying.

Anyway, my friend got me an interview, and it went really well. I had an offer within the week, and with how stressed my coworkers' behavior was making me, I was more than happy to accept. However, I still felt like I owed that place some modicum of loyalty (hey, I'd been there for a year and - as ive found out is like all gaslighters - things didn't always seem horrible; sometimes they were nice to me and let me hear them shit-talk others so that I knew what they did behind my back) I felt like I should give a months notice to do right by them.

So I signed my offer letter, gave a months notice, and started working with my non-supervisor to organize the tasks that I had and figure out what I could accomplish before I left.

Weird thing, though: when I gave notice, the attorney wasn't there, and my non-supervisor had always said to tell her first if we were leaving so she could "make things easier with [the boss]", so I did. She was very nice about it and said they would support my decision.

Then she asked where I was going, which I had purposely not said because another former employee worked there and I didn't want to make things weird or give them an opening to try and bad-mouth me (I don't trust people who smile and make polite chit-chat with someone and immediately start talking shit about them the second they leave the room, sorry not sorry). I told her that I didn't want to say because I wanted to avoid any awkward situations. This was her response:

"Why? It'll be more awkward if you're not upfront with us. We need to know in case there's a conflict. If there's a conflict [the boss] will only want you to stay two weeks, but if there isn't, she'll take the whole month. "

I - like a dumbass - was startled into telling her because it sounded legit. Come to find out from my friend at the new place that it was total bullshit, and they were just being nosy. Apparently, when the last girl from our firm left for my new firm, they called to talk to the hiring attorney about her (idk what they said, but my friend basically told me that the attorney knew better than to listen to them).

Anyway, I was ready to stick out the month and blow through my task list as fast as I could. I mean, I was super into it! I wanted to do the best I could because im a firm believer in kill 'em with kindness. Seriously, my motto is "I am a ray of goddamn sunshine and everyone Will Fucking Know It". So when I went in on Tuesday, I was ready to get down to business (to defeat... the tasks? Idk, it's late, and I'm loopy). And my supervisor had seemed like she was really supportive on monday when I told her, so I thought things would go relatively smoothly.

I was so wrong.

I went into our planning meeting, and it was like I was transported back three weeks; every little thing I did or said was scrutinized and found wrong, she was annoyed by all the tasks I had that she had told me to push back, and she decided she wanted to finalize 7 of my tasks that day. Since 5 had been reviewed BY HER before, I was hoping it wouldn't be too bad.

It was.

I had made all the updates that she asked, but she found further fault with the product that she had previously overlooked, and of course, it was my fault. So I tried to fix things and get them done, but by this time, her passive-aggressive attitude and constant sighing to express her "boredom" (something she's explained before as a reaction to "people not doing things the way she wants them done quickly enough"; that's a story for another day) was really fucking with my stress levels. There was also a thing with some documents that I didn't have, which I had asked her about weeks before, and she had said that the client had kept them and we had just kept scans after the meeting; that day, she wanted to know why I didn't have them, and I reminded her of that conversation; she got mad and said that I should have them and started asking when I had last had them (I never had them) and then went to check her office. Lo and behold! They were in her office! Who woulda thunk?! Then she proceeded to tell me that it was my fault for not getting them from her and that she never told me the client kept them becuase they would never keep them (which I had pointed out was weird when we talked about it and she assured me it was a rushed decision and out kf the norm).

Basically, the whole day was a shit-show in a hell-hole with my own personal torturer who specializes in emotional fuckery.

So I went in on Wednesday after almost puking when I woke up. After crying out of frustration to my partner the night before. After talking to my partner and my parents and being told by all of them that I could, in fact, just leave if I wanted to, and that the stuff my supervisor was doing was super shady (forcing me to tell her where I was going to work, and telling me not to tell hr because the boss would want to do it "on her own terms" because of the bad relationship between her practice and the main branch of the firm).

And after all of that, I came in to a rude response to my check-out email (which was in response to a rude reminder that I had to send one "EVERYDAY before I leave") and a passive aggressive note written in all caps on a post it that a new task was an ASAP and that I needed to see her IMMEDIATELY when I finished it.

And I snapped.

I sent an email to hr giving my notice and saying that I didn't want to upset my boss, so if she hadn't sent it over Please dont tell her I did. I got a very concerned response, and an offer to talk if I needed it. I went to themorning meeting with our practice grouo and made polite small talk with my supervisor, who was using the same voice on me that she uses on the associate attorneys that she thinks are stupid and doesn't like, but has to be nice to. And at that point, I was Done.

I went back to the office and finished the ASAP. I finished my admin stuff that had been lingering. I cleaned up my desk and updated my task list. I checked that my shelves were organized. I gathered up any research that I had done that didn't have client names on it, any notes I had without client names, and any personal items I had. And I left.

Well, first I gave her the asap and said I almost threw up (which I had in the midst of organizing) and that I needed to go home. (The response was: "Leave what you have in my box and hand flap to suggest leaving". Because, since she works while sick or giving birth, everyone else is expected to as well, and if you don't, you're weak and beneath her)

Then, I went to hr and explained what had been going on. I was so stressed that I cried again (luckily, not much, cuz I hate crying in front of anyone, but especially in a professional setting), but she was super nice about it and asked what I would like to do. I said that I wanted to cut my notice to the usual two weeks, and use my sick and vacation time to cover that week and a half that I had left. I just couldn't do it anymore, and my partner's voice was in the back of my head "You gave your notice. They can't fire you, and you don't have to take their crap.", along with my mom's voice telling me "The only one stopping you, is you." And the hr lady said I could!

So I left.

And I feel SO MUCH BETTER.

Am I still worried that they'll bad mouth me to my new firm and ruin my reputation with the attorneys at their firm? Yes.

Am I super nervous about starting a new job? Fuck yes, I am.

But I am out of that toxic place, and I have a new opportunity to do the best I can with my life.

And I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful for the people I have in my life. And I'm even grateful for what those people did, because I can learn from it, and I can grow as a person so that I am NEVER LIKE THEM.

So, if you've made it this far, I'm sorry for the rant, but also: Please don't give up. It may seem like you're in a horrible situation, but you CAN find a way out. Talk to people, don't be afraid that you're bothering them. Or do it anyway, because guess what? You Deserve Better. Even if someone (including yourself) is telling you that you don't. You Deserve Better. And if you feel like no one believes in you, or you can't do it? I believe in you. And I know you can do it. If I can, anyone can.

Please, don't give up.

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i did not need his negativity yesterday nor did i have the mental strength to not be affected by it. 

he seems to have a rose colored view on his past friends who have lived even more passively than i have while doing hard drugs, drinking and having sex with so many partners that diseases are spread among them. but yet i’m told i’m just a welfare case, that i should just get over it, try harder etc. but there is never ever an admission that perhaps the troubles ive had in life directly relate to the struggles i still have now. 

“well her mother was crazy so she had to leave at 15 and take care of herself”

??? my mother was crazy and my father was sick and i had to take care of myself and him. without giving into the temptation of an easy escape through literal hallucinations. i am better than everyone who did give into the temptation. my will is stronger. sorry. that might bother him because he is a drug user. and he wans to convince me that my weed smoking is comparable to people shooting drugs. and it simply is not in any way. i am a functioning member of society in so much that i do not have a drug den, i do not have needles around, i do not have any long term physial effects of drug use im just a fucking stoner. just like people who HAVE to buy starbucks everyday. theyre just basic bitches. theyre not coffee addicts. and he trappe the conversation - all addicts say this. but i am making a choice and it would be incredibly easy for me to make other choices if i felt they were worth it in my depression. i am ADDICTED to DEPRESSION. i do not control that addiction and it is harmful to people around me and myself.

me smoking a joint is not. me smoking a joint is only beneifical to not only myself but the people around me. i am alive today right now because i smoke weed. THAT is how i am “strong”. 

it didnt matter though. i was already spiraling and wanted to go home but knew i couldnt because it was cold and almost midnight and i didnt even have proper boots and the weight of my entire life and being began crushing me. 

these are panic attacks. these are not attacks which can be seen as the typical display of it but not everyone will hyperventilate into a paper bag. my parents called it an asthma attack because i wasnt breathing right. i wasnt allowed to act out. if i acted out my mother attacked me in such severe ways that i trained myself not to react to anything. but you cant do hthis you cant just be a robot forever your emotions will operate whether you acknowlege them or not.

so it builds. and during the build up which always happens the same way my thoughts are spiraling. if someone latches on to a brief idea of the issues im battling inside, it now solidified the thought and i start to panic. it wasnt being called a drug addict. it was the fact that im constantly put on the bottom of the list for like existing human beings. no one ever goes, ‘well you had to take care of your father’. i dont get that. why? am i not blonde and cute enough? did i not suck enough dick? should i have done drugs and been more pathetic? why is it that everyone else gets a ‘well this and this happened tot hem so is understandable’. for me it’s literally well you cant focus on your past you just gotta move on. it’s not fair, it’s frustrating and when it comes from the only person even giving you any sort of love at that moment in time, it feels trapping. deal with this or have nothing. 

i cannot explain this though. it starts here and by the time i’ve freaked out so hard i cant even communicate the intricacies of these thoughts. i’m now totally overwhelmed and i want to scratch out my eyes and tear out my hair and i’m sobbing so hard i cannot breathe. 

i told him he outright had to help me because he did not listen to my warnings that what he was saying was bothering me. because i told him i didn need that negativity right now and i didn’t nee him focusing on being a  “drug addict” because i dont spend my rent money on shooting drugs. i dontand thats not part of my problem. it’s just a matter of opinion regarding marijuana. period. my opinion differs greatly and i advocate for the VERY PROVEN medical benefits of it. not just “its been shown K helps depression”. so does lsd. so did lsd. so much so that people dosed other people unknowingly to try and “help” them becuase they thought lsd “helped them” and “opened their mind”. but shold you do LSD everyday? no. i really dont think you should. can you ingest something that has minimal effects on a normally healthy person with no pre desposition to mental health issues everday? yes. cancer patients smoke weed because of its legitimate medical benefits. they should not be k-holing. thats not the appropriate way to deal with cancer. nor does it help any of the issues of cancer except moderate pain relief and slight alleviaton of mental pain if you dont put yourself into a k-hole. 

i can smoke 4 grams of weed and not die. i can smoke 4 grams of weed everyday for the next week and have no side effects except not even getting stoned anymore. i wont have to go to the hospital for “exhaustion”. i wont have spent my time at clubs or raves. i probably spent a lot of money on food. i will have no track marks or prolems with my nasal cavity and depending on how i smoke the weed, if i vape it - i may not even have lung problems. and in those days of smoking 4 grams i will STILL DO PRODUCTIVE ACTIVITIES and not just lay around wondering when i’ll get high again. 

so to put me with heroin users is wrong and a surprisingly antiquated view. but i cannot explain all of this and maybe he’ll still disagree but now i’m just in a position where a person who is supposd to love me is telling me im as bad as a heroin addict. i am not and that is not an excuse to not change - i can still change my habits but you have no idea what i wold be for someone like me to do that. he made an “effort” to help but he doesnt have the tools in him to actually help. he told me to think of skating because he wanted to take me skating. 

this morning as i was dropped off he asked if we were going skating. i said i guess and he said no more “i guess” i had to make a solid decision for what iiii wanted to do. and i guess i appreciate that - acknowledging that his personality is not okay for someone like me in the state i am in. i explained to him that our mutual friend came to my place and spoke to the roommate for me and was very like... it was as good as having a medical therapist come and advocate on my behalf. it wasnt like a “you shouldnt do this this is bad” it was “the person you live with suffers from very serious mental issues which affects her daily life and there are reasons as to why she is avoiding confrontation or choosing to live with things that others consider unreasonable” and it was really very good. like not only did i feel like it helped bridge a gap but that someone legitimately felt like they wanted to advocate for me. i didnt ask her to do it. i just explained this is my life and she was like no this is not okay and you need assistance to overcome this hurdle so you can continue on to the next one. i really really appreciate that. no one advocates for me. 

i also made a doctors appt next week and that kind of alleviates some of he pressure i feel about dealing. i know i can now go talk to this person. and if i need to, i have a drive really to see him more often. our mutual friend also came in and casually asked for my razors. and that is something i also appreciate. i made avery large step by freely admitting a relapse. it wasnt like omg cry for help it was this is what occurred. period no discussion because you are not the person trained to deal with such maters of the psyche however as a human being you can acknowledge a crisis and offer assistance to he best of your own abilities. if you have the ability to say ‘hey do you mind if i take your razors with me to get them out of the house’ that is perfectly fine and good and helpful. 

he does not know i relapsed. he has continually said he has no judgement on what i choose to do but does not support it and will only ever advocate for stopping outright. which is totally fair but it compounds the severity. 

hes still trying though? last night he took time to have a moment of private affection and when i tol him about the door knob lock situation he immediately said he would buy one and just let him know. he then said we would “drink sake” tomorrow and added on the skating activity and these things were nice because there is rarely time put aside for just me in the “us”. i follow what he wants to do when he wants to do. i rarely ever ask to go somewhere and when i do i may be able to go but ill have to put up with mock fighting about it. but its not terrible. its not like im dragged to bars or baseball games. he decides we will go hiking and we do. we’ll go to this random thing an hour away and look at i and we do. and i get to exprience sooooo many things i would have never otherwise experienced if i was not with him. and this is why i remain with him. no one else has ever shown me this much of the actual world beyond the bubble i was trapped in. my ex did a decent job but we rarely did anything. like any activities at all. it would be a big deal to take a walk in the woods by our house. 

i’ve gotten to canoe and climb beautiful ontario landscapes. i’ve gotten to eat food from all over the world. ive been given nothing but useful or beautiful and sentimental and meaningful gifts. i have never been given something frivolous ust for the sake of gifts. i’ve been given flowers on more than one occasion. 

it’s really hard to come up with a complaint when i still get to do these wonderful things? like how can i be upset about hiking different parks? i think i’d want to do that anyways. so it’s nice i guess to have it acknowledged this morning that i had the freedom to choose. we did not have to skate and i didnt have to do it because he offered. 

i kind of wanted to though. i think he knew also last night’s dinner with his family friends was just super awkward for me and woul be for literally anyone not related to them. it’s amazing how well they can make someone feel like an outsider while simultaneously telling them they’re “apart of the family”. that wasnt really his fault though. or maybe it s. i dont know. those people sucked and it took forever to eat and i did not even say goodbye to them because literally two sentences were said to me during the night which were, “so you do work in x city or do you commute to another?” and “are you flying out to see him when hes living out west?”  both of which are questions that should never be asked. just period. i mean theyre reasonable questions but to ask them to me results in really awkward answers. like “~ im an artist.” to which she asked, “where” - bitch everywhere. i am a fucking artist of life. and of course its not within my parameters to explain - well you know i’m fucking pretty mentally ill so i’m generally unemployed and collect social assistance hbu. its not like i can outright lie either as the two people who do know my life are sitting there too. and its shitty in some ways that these eople are close tot hem and i am at their house everyday and never once has it been explained that this is in fact his girlfriend, this is what she does and why she is the way she is etc. lie most people would get a “this is ashley, she works at shoppers drug mart and shes a great mom”. but since i have none of this i am nothing to them 

i am also very open about my struggles and where i came from in most situations. this is going to define my interaction with you and you should know that i’m aware of it an am working on it everyday. i am a very self aware empathetic person and i know that becaue of my unusual life i may cause unintentional offense or harm or burden someone in a way that i would not mean to if i understood differently or had a different journey. and everyone has their own journey but it’s a bit like a soldier coming back from war and it’s not on us to judge the severity of harm their journey caused them because we dont know. if theyre so encumbered by the thoughts of death they saw and were apart of it while others are not - we still need to respect the severity ad toll it tok on those individuals. and in no way do they want to be affected by this. theyre not choosing to take it home with them. but it now shapes everything they ever do and being a military person now defines you. it is apart of your definition and character. 

it woul not be appropriate to xplain this to the wasps who think theyre daughter had it rough because she coudnt talk of her prividledge life to stuggling immigrants working to survive while she worked for 2 weeks for extra spending money when she went on her vacation to australia. and it’s ironic of course - i’m now offended by him and i was concerned for offending them; well i was. but then i gave up because i didnt give a shit about them and i didnt think they were actually good members of society. i thought maybe they were “good” fathers or mothers. maybe decent employees. but like a real active good member of society who is bringing a positive vibe to the world? no. i really dont think so. and i have mt people i believe do this. people who i also see really negative traits in as well. theyre not perfect but “good people of society” like working an seeing the whole of society - every part of it as an equal and good thing. maybe theyre bad mothers or fathers though. or maybe not great. i wouldnt say bad. but maybe not great, definitely could be better parents. but they atleast will instill their values, hopefully, into their children who will also be good people of society. i am currently in daily contact with atleast three people who were raised by shitty people of society. people who cared only for heir own exprience and saw everything else as an outside. they now gave that quality to their children. “good mother”. shitty person. 

its up to the people in my support system to advocate for me. honestly.