#something about it is so deeply accurate and personal and cathartic

[thespoonisvictory]

the incredible sinking lorelais is one of the best episodes of tv ever written

[comicaurora]

Hey Red red Red red Red red Red I love this page? I love it so much? There is something deeply and primally cathartic about it, and like I think the extent to which it makes specifically my brain go brr is purely personal, but I thought I might attempt to pick your brain about the building blocks that went into This Page Specifically, especially considering the rest of the arc leading up to it. So um, just realized it might be a tad spoiler-y but I still gotta ask: What was the journey from 'I need to introduce Dainix and his powerset' to 'Learning very literalized soulfire self-soothing strategies and the importance of actually processing emotions instead of bottling them as a temporarily useful force to be used responsibly'?

Dainix's powerset has always been heavily emotion-based, but there were versions of this intro where the reveal was much more casual and less fraught - versions where this whole meeting happened deep in the Rauan desert immediately after Dainix's first transformation, or where Kendal figured out Dainix's secret and gently encouraged him, or where the threat was something completely different from Tynan. But once I pulled together the bones of the arc and decided I was introducing Dainix as a gladiator, I knew exactly what I had to do with him. Or, more accurately, to him.

Dainix is a calm and gentle person with a pragmatic and realistic outlook on things, and for the first 95% of his life this was effortless for him to maintain. The worldview he shares with Kendal about emotions being harnessed rather than resisted is the worldview he had cultivated his whole life.

Dainix likes being this person. He is very good at being this person. He has significant trouble staying this person, however, when put in a terrible situation that constantly exerts pressure on him that drives him to continuous emotional extremes - which I think is a fairly common experience. People are never at 100% when they're stressed or hurt or in crisis. He can still redirect his emotions to "helpful" directions, but not efficiently. There are too many people who don't deserve to be hurt, and "giving that force a direction" becomes easier said than done when trapped in a target-rich environment. Guards, other gladiators, Kendal - none of them can be the direction that Dainix points his emotional force.

But even in his intro, we can see his control isn't perfect. Nobody's is, after all.

Carefully focusing his emotions is the ideal Dainix strives for, and it is a useful skill and a healthier outlook than "bottle those up ASAP," but he's been essentially trapped in a pressure cooker for half a year. When he's finally forced into a direct internal conflict - made to choose between two bad options that will both absolutely make him distressed beyond reason - it pushes him just over the boiling point.

"Emotional temperature" is an analogy I find very helpful. I am, by my nature, extremely prone to anger and frustration, which is an absolute bitch, because if you get angry enough, everything just makes you more angry. De-escalating situations becomes an essential skill under these circumstances, because if you let yourself get carried away and exacerbate whatever's frustrating you, the temperature of the situation overall rises, and everyone involved gets more upset and harder to deal with. There's essentially an internal boiling point at which point everything breaks down - when you can no longer maintain enough internal control to communicate clearly with the people in the situation with you. I've seen many a blow-up fight where both participants seemed to be in agreement, just poorly communicating, but were so bad at emotional regulation that they caught a whiff of hostility and let it fire them up all the way past boiling. (love ya, tumblr)

But, of course, these regulatory methods I'm so proud of are only as effective as the situation overall. I can vent steam and cool down as much as I want trying to get a situation back to manageable hostility levels, but if something outside of my control is heating up the situation - like an overall stressful situation, or someone purposefully being an asshole - I can never get things down below a certain temperature. Even if the dial's set all the way down to "low", a fire under a pot will continually heat it up. These are situations that I know will eventually drive me up past boiling, at which point I will become terrible to be around and make the situation exponentially worse, or at least make myself miserable.

But of course, no matter how good or how justified it feels, that initial kick of no-holds-barred rage really only makes you good at lashing out in every direction and makes you completely incapable of slowing down and cooling off on your own. The fusion reaction has become self-sustaining and will only stop when you burn out and run out of fuel, or when the byproducts of the reaction change the internal chemistry at play. A nuclear meltdown produces radioactive slag, and an emotional meltdown produces guilt. Build up enough of it and eventually the inferno stops exploding outward and just starts melting a hole through the floor.

And all the while, you're indulging this rage, fueled both by the potentially justified external cause and by the parts of yourself you're burning up to keep it going, because once the fire starts dying down, you're left feeling utterly hollow, surrounded by things you've destroyed and people you've hurt. All of this can, of course, be used to fuel the fire all over again rather than confronting the consequences and trying to repair damage done.

But this is not Dainix's fault. The damage he's willingly done under these circumstances is his responsibility, but it is not Dainix's fault that he has been trapped in a terrible soul-crushing environment and pushed to the very limits of his emotional and mental stability. It is not his fault that this made him angry. It would be frankly ridiculous if it didn't. Anger exists for a reason - it's the mind whispering "we don't deserve this." It reacts to pain because it is protective. Acting on that anger is where things get dicey, but the anger itself is more like a very protective, very bitey animal. It doesn't like when you're hurt. It wants to rip and tear and destroy the thing hurting you. You get to decide how much you wanna indulge that impulse, but it is an impulse born of the quintessentially human instinct of self-preservation and the positive awareness of one's own human dignity and worth and how it deserves to be respected.

Pushing back on the emotion denies its legitimacy. In my experience, nothing is more dangerous to your emotional well-being than being convinced that your self-preservation instincts are Inconvenient or Shameful. Anger is a very important tool. Like fire, it can't just be flung around willy-nilly without very bad side effects, but we'd all be much worse off without the stuff. This process can be painful and draining and turn you into someone you dislike, but only if you think of the anger as an enemy separate from yourself - something to fight or surrender to, rather than your own self-preservation instinct pushing you in directions you aren't used to pursuing. Dainix is just in the unfortunate position that his inner fire is literal, and if he doesn't figure out some emotional regulation and accept that these flames of anger are a fundamental part of who he is just as much as the rest of his much less inconvenient emotions, he might actually explode.

Emotional pressure release valves and situational de-escalation are all well and good and they serve their purpose, but sometimes you are in a bad situation that needs to be burned down, and sometimes you just need to gather up everything you're feeling and scream. Even if it singes a few people in the process.

So basically in order for Dainix's arc to work I had to break him first. sorry dude, I'll make it up to you

[inkykeiji]

i think u said once how u began sharing ur writing so others can benefit from it but how does it primarily help u? i know you said to cope..but like how

i’m genuinely curious so i really hope this isn’t coming off mean or anything !!

hello anon!! <33

tw: mental illness, overdose mention

don’t worry hehehe it isn’t coming off as mean!! so that’s the secondary reason i decided to share my writing online (the thought that it may help others cope as well), the first being that i wanted to get used to sharing my work with strangers + receiving feedback from strangers.

so! writing primarily helps me cope because it enables me to take full control of the situations and the traumas inflicted on me and work through them in various ways. it often acts as an emotional release for me, but also as a way for me to examine things. writing about an opioid overdose, for example, was extremely cathartic in ways i can’t really describe accurately. it was almost like a way to process that event. writing about bmb tomura’s struggles with severe mental illness is also extremely cathartic for me, even though the delusions + hallucinations etc we experience and our situations as a whole are entirely different. i’ve found that writing bmb tomura has helped me learn even more about myself, about my illness, and about how it affects me/manifests in my brain, body, and life. and that’s super valuable information! it’s helped me become more self-aware of my illness and, as such, has helped me cope during episodes.

my work is deeply personal, as i would argue all art is (to varying degrees). there are pieces of me inherently imbued in every single piece i write—my mannerisms, my flaws, my love, my anger, my sadness, my strengths, my experiences, my relationships or relationships of those very close to me, my very essence as a person and a creator etc—but there are still certain events in my life that i cannot write about. there are certain things that have happened to me that my brain can’t even begin to process yet, because they are too painful. there are certain kinks and things i won’t write because they’re too triggering for me personally. i may one day be able to explore these things in my work, or i may never be able to; only time will tell (this is where actual therapy with a mental health professional is especially useful, of course!)

so, in sum, that’s how it helps ME the most: through allowing that emotional release, enabling me to process and work through things, and allowing me to take full control of those situations and examine them in different lights and angles. i romanticize my own trauma a lot because that helps me cope, too; i find it easier to work through with rose coloured glasses on. it also allows me to take these things that have happened to me or deeply affected me negatively and rework them—to make them into something beautiful (something messed up and twisted, but tragically beautiful nonetheless); to transform them and take that authority/control over those experiences, and morph them into something new, to create something meaningful from them. i also think it’s important to keep in mind that these are just MY personal coping strategies, and others may write or read for entirely different reasons related to coping.

anyway, i hope this makes sense anon!! <3 i don’t only write to process trauma and cope with my illness, of course, but it is definitely one of the big reasons why i create. i also write because i genuinely love the craft with all my heart. i write for escapism and entertainment (which is another form of coping!! ie sometimes when i’m feeling REALLY rough i’ll write myself something super indulgent and fluffy <3), i write to explore topics and scenarios that i would never want to explore in real life (ie murder and torture), etc. etc. etc.

additionally, i personally think art (any type!) can be a fantastic tool to not only process trauma but also to just work through emotions and situations in general, both good and bad!!! maybe you can’t find the right words to express it, to express yourself or your emotions, but maybe you can paint or draw it (ie have you ever tried flinging paint at a canvas when you’re so angry you can’t think straight!? it really does help!!!). or maybe you can’t write it in words, but you can write it in music (ie the piece tchaikovsky wrote for his late younger sister after she passed, and how her death impacted his work on the nutcracker as a whole) etc etc etc. it’s all very personal!!! and it is one of the many things that makes art in general so beautiful to me hehe <3

and then in terms of possibly helping others: the amount of times i’ve had someone tell me that my writing has helped them with an emotional release, or helped them realize something about their own trauma, or even just stopped by to tell me that my work provides them with some much needed escapism and distraction or entertainment (especially when they were feeling very low or in a very dark place!)—all of these things are so incredibly important to me, and i cherish each and every one of these interactions, because it makes me feel like i’m doing something important and meaningful, both for me AND for others. and that’s truly special <3

[dr-dendritic-trees]

The Locked Tomb Warnings List

I've been rereading The Locked Tomb and it gets better every reread and I love it with all my heart. Nothing I'm about to write is a criticism of the book.

But I've seen at least half a dozen people in the tags who were genuinely very shocked by what the books were like, because they heard the vaunted "Lesbian necromancers in space" tagline, saw the shippy fanart, and picked up the book expecting something fundamentally fun.

The series is a lot of things... its not that.

So here's my best attempt at an introduction/warning set for the books. I'll do my best to be comprehensive and as spoiler-free as possible. If anyone sees a warning I've missed, please add it!

General Notes:

The well-known "Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!" tagline that seems to get people into the series is basically accurate, but an actual summary would be more like:

When the emperor summons the 8 scions of the imperial death-cult to attempt to ascend to necromantic sainthood the heir to the Ninth House, Harrowhark Nonagesimus, leader of a dying house, finds herself without a cavalier (a sworn swordswoman). In an act of desperation she coerces her childhood nemesis, indentured servant Gideon Nav to accompany her to the first house to protect her house's secrets. But her house isn't the only one covering things up, and the promised lyctoral trial soon descends into a gore-spattered locked room murder mystery.

In Harrow the Ninth newly made necromantic saint Harrowhark Nonagesimus has been recruited to battle the secret enemies of the Emperor-God. But her lyctorhood is incomplete, her allies seem to be out to get her, and she seems to be at risk of losing her sanity, her life or both.

Gideon the Ninth is a very fast paced book, there's a lot of characters, a lot of world-building, and a lot of twists. There are not only things that won't make sense until a second reading, there are things that didn't make sense until I reread it after reading Harrow the Ninth, and there are probably things in it which will look totally different after I've read Alecto the Ninth. Its a dark book and its predominant emotional note is grief. Harrow the Ninth is the same, and, additionally, nearly half of it is written in second person. And basically, until Alecto the Ninth comes out, whether we actually know what happened is a totally open question.

That said, while its a dark book and a whole range of terrible things happens to these characters, while they are not treated at all gently, their experiences, and their many failings, are approached with nuance and mercy. They're not happy books but they're very cathartic. I do genuinely recommend them to all comers, I just don't want them to horrify and upset anyone.

Warnings List:

Gideon the Ninth Contains:

- Depictions of abuse (physical, emotional and spiritual) towards children and in intimate relationships.

- Violence, gore, murder, mass murder (including the deaths of children) and ritual cannibalism.

- Imperialism, indentured servitude and child soldiers, which go largely unremarked.

- Lies, manipulation and gaslighting

- Haunting, possession, body horror, magical violence, creepy skeleton monsters, etc.

- Self-hatred, self-destructive behaviour references to suicide

- Depictions of chronic and terminal illness which are both weird and graphic

- There's also also a lot of interpersonal relationships and interactions that aren't abusive, but are deeply unhealthy to the tune of very traumatized characters trying to deal with their mutually incompatible trauma.

- Death cults (various)

Harrow the Ninth contains:

- Literally all of the above again

- There is a LOT more gaslighting. There's some in GtN, but its a major theme of HtN.

- Depictions of psychosis and unreality. Most people who read this will spend at least some time not knowing what is real or not, its a very deliberate and large part of the narrative.

- Genocide and also a very particular form of mass death

- Reproductive coercion and also some uses of pregnancy and reproductive technology which aren't technically abusive in the real world sense... but will definitely make you feel very bad.

- There's also a blink and you miss it passing reference to child abuse that implies sexual abuse. Its a single short paragraph in chapter 47 but I'd hate for it to catch anyone out.

And lastly:

If you lurk in the tags or on twitter long enough, you will inevitably come across a discussion of whether these books invoke the Bury Your Gays trope. Frankly, I think this is a lot of nonsense. I think that when you're dealing with a majority queer cast in a horror/mystery setting, even discussing that trope doesn't make sense. It doubly doesn't make sense because until we get the end of Alecto the Ninth, I don't think we actually know who is dead or not. But it does have both a majority queer cast and a body count and its fair and understandable that not everyone is up for that.

But its true that there is a canonical coffee shop AU.

[evisconti]

anonymous said  :   💠Headcanon   on   Ercole's   insecurities   about   losing   Ciccio.   C:<               /               💠   Is   there   a   Headcanon   about   my   muse   you   want   to   know   more   about?   Ask   away!

      there   are   a   LOT   of   insecurities   and   worries   ercole   has   about   LOSING   ciccio   ,      and   i’ll   keep   it   to   everything   he   worries   about   pre   -   movie   and   talking   about   it      IN      THAT      TENSE      ,         since   everything   p   much   still   applies   after   the   fact.

         i   suppose   one   of   the   BIG   points   about   losing   him   is   ..      like   ,      being   OUTED   by   him   as   revenge.      ercole   doesn’t   TAKE   ciccio   as   a   vengeful   guy   ,      but   ercole   knows   that   HE   ,      himself   ,      would   do   something   similar         (      not   to   ciccio      )   ,      so   it’s   something   he      WORRIES      about.      in   letting   ciccio   in   as   HARD   as   he   has   ,      there   are   so   so   many   things   at   stake.      that   was   why   he   was   NERVOUS   to.      he   didn’t   want   to   RISK   anything   by   having   a   friend   ,      by   being   vulnerable   to   anyone   ,      by   being   HIMSELF   for   one.      ciccio   was   the   first   person   he   TRULY   let   see   a   side   of   himself   he’s   BURIED   for   years   ,      and   he   doesn’t   know      WHAT      he’d   do   if   he   lost   that.      it’s   so   cathartic   to   be   himself   ,      his   TRUE   self   ,      in   front   of   someone   he   trusts   so   deeply.      he’s   never   dared   trust   anyone   the   way   he   trusts   ciccio.      there   would   be      SO      MUCH      on   the   line   :      his   pride   ,      his   reputation   ,      possibly   his   very   LIFE   ..      if   they   parted   and   ciccio   TURNED   on   him   and   betrayed   him   ,      and   EXPOSED   to   those   around   that   kind   of   man   he   really   was   ..   ?      whether   that   be   weak   ,      scared   ,      or   queer   ,      it   could   all   be      DETRIMENTAL      to   every   aspect   of   his   life   and   he   doesn’t   want   to   RISK   that.      he   HOPES   he   can   trust   ciccio   not   to   expose   him   ..      but   he   has   major   trust   issues   ,      and   although   he   would   put   his   life   in   the   boy’s   hands   ,      that   doesn’t   mean   he   wouldn’t   be   hesitant.

      another   thing   is   that   ..      well   ..      he   LOVES   ciccio.      he   loves   him   so   deeply   ,      so   truly   ,      so   HONESTLY   ;;      he’s   never   loved   like   he   loves   ciccio.      he’s   never   TRUSTED   like   he   trusts   ciccio.      there’s   certainly   a      selfish      dependency      in   all   that   ,      and   to   say   he   could   be   a   bit   POSSESSIVE   of   ciccio   would   be   accurate.      a   bit   dark         (      bc   ercole   is   mentally   unwell      )         but   he   sees   ciccio   as   HIS.      he   ..      can’t   fathom   anyone   having   a   LIFE   outside   of   his   own   ,      and   while   yes   ,      maybe   ciccio   as   TOLD   ercole   all   about   his   life   ,      erc   still   doesn’t   comprehend   that.      so   ,      he   doesn’t   understand   what   ciccio      could      even      DO      without      ercole.      and   furhermore   ,      what   could   ercole   do   without   ciccio   ??      he’s   his   only   FRIEND.      he’s   his   LOVER.      he   makes   him   so   happy   ,      he’s   the   only      GOOD      THING      he   has   to   look   forward   to.      what   the   hell   is   he   going   to   do   WITHOUT   him   ?      he   can’t   imagine   a   future   without   ciccio   in   it   ,      and   if   it   ever   became   a   reality   ??      he   would   be   simply   fucked   up.   (￣m￣）

[stillgeekingout]

thoughts on reputation by lex croucher

first my non-spoilery thoughts (mostly non-spoilery. light spoilers for tone and general content): this book was so good and also SO STRESSFUL. haha. if you’re going into it expecting a light read, this isn’t it, but it’s incredibly funny (like seriously so so funny, there was probably at least one phrase or sentence on every page that gave me a little chuckle inside) and has a lot of really important things to say. and the stress does pay off for a very cathartic ending. you’re gonna suffer, but you’re gonna be happy about it etc.

honestly the two things I care the most about in books these days are if they’re funny and if they have characters that I care about. this supremely delivered on both counts. I really loved every single one of the characters (I mean, except the ones you’re supposed to hate, obviously. it does a very good job making you hate them). the third thing I care about is friendship narratives and hoo boy was there a lot of that too.

it gets compared to bridgerton a lot and I haven’t seen bridgerton, so I can’t speak to that, but I don’t think I would like bridgerton based on what I’ve heard of it and I really liked this. make of that what you will, I guess. it also gets compared to mean girls a lot and I think that’s very accurate, if mean girls as a narrative was kinder to its characters (including the plastics) and actually let characters be gay in a nuanced way. and if mean girls did a better job developing the love interest so we care about him and the romance part of the plot. similar to mean girls, if you’re going to be really bothered by secondhand embarrassment, this might not be the book for you. it’s not quite as pronounced but it is there, and I did squirm through a few scenes. this didn’t subtract from my enjoyment but it might for some people. The other content warnings are here for anyone who wants to know what I mean by heavy material: https://www.lexcroucher.co.uk/reputation-cw

Now time for my spoiler-filled thoughts under the cut!!

So I knew going into this that it would be too much drugs and alcohol content for me, a known prude, but that being said I thought it was handled really well and I liked that the narrative had things to say about doing things in excess / requiring that stuff to be able to have fun. and thomas’s whole thing was really thoughtfully handled.

Georgiana cracked me up the whole time with her naivety. I do think part of the embarrassment of this book for me was how much she reminded me of my younger clueless self, being inexperienced in everything and scandalized by everything. I also reeeeally related to the whole “this person is friend-shaped, be my friend be my friend be my friend”-ness of her. And I’m always a sucker for a “female character is very flawed and honestly kinda shitty to her friends but learns to be a better person over the course of the narrative” story.

I LOVE BETTY. I call being #1 betty walters fan. I get crazy when I latch onto a character, all I do is wait for them to make a next appearance and scream about it when they do. But anyway I just want to say that I loved betty from her first scene and I’m so glad george finally caught on. I was initially scared that it was going to go more the route of like, george is mean to betty in the climax and then realizes she has to apologize because she feels bad for her, but the fact that they became actual genuine close friends on top of that made me very very happy. No matter what else I say please know betty was my absoluuute favorite character, I’m obsessed with her, I would die for her, etc.

This book honestly just kept subverting what I thought was going to happen. I did not see the end coming at all, particularly with the way the jeremiah plot went. It reminded me a lot of Oklahoma (the musical) and a lot of… real life lol. but yeah it was v good and I’m proud of george.

I really did not expect to get very attached to thomas. Usually when a book is a friendship book with romance also in there, I get very very wrapped up in the friendship parts and then only sort of care about the romantic lead. And it did start that way when george was initially obsessing over him, I kept just kind of being like “ok he’s here, sure”. But lex gave us a kindhearted emotions boy, which is honestly the best kind of boy, and he plays piano and his dad is nice and he keeps george in check about being a kind friend? Heck yeah. The LETTERS?? YES. listen my favorite book is ella enchanted and ever since then, any romance that involves witty written correspondence is automatically in my good books. also he has the benedick energy of like, unquestionably supporting women over his sketchy friends and that’s Always good.

I loved each of the friends in different ways, and I am a little sad that we didn’t get much closure on Cecily and Jonathan in particular, but I do understand why it ended the way that it did and I appreciate Georgiana realizing that these were never really going to be her People. That’s a really cool thing that I don’t see a lot in stories. Usually either they make friends for life, or it turns out that the group were Bad People and that’s why they go their separate ways. So the fact that it was like “no, I think they are good people and I care for them deeply, but our ways of life are just never going to be compatible in the long run so I’m just going to appreciate them in my periphery from now on” was a really nuanced take and something that I think is truer to reality.

Let’s Talk About Frances. Frances intrigued the hell out of me because I never knew what the heck she was going to do next. I do always love a bitchy woman with secret emotions and after the first vulnerable sleepover scene, in my mind I already felt like I knew where frances’s arc might be going. But lord I did NOT! It’s really really interesting to have a book that follows so many tropes of other stories but at the same time goes in completely different directions. I would’ve read a whole bunch more about frances and her emotions and her parents and her trauma, and I really hope jane is helping her heal from all that and also be less of a jerk to everyone, and if anyone is writing the “jane and frances heal from trauma and become better people together” fic I am soooo there. I’m glad we at least got the confirmation that she believes george, that she got the satisfaction of telling off jeremiah, that she’s living with jane, and that her parents have separated at least for the time being. But yeah I think in a lesser book, frances would’ve been reduced to like “the regina george” and not necessarily given all the nuances that she had, and I really appreciated how much she felt like a rounded-out person with a lot of her own shit going on. I am sad that she and george had to end the way they did, but again, it makes sense for the narrative and I’m glad they’re at least on good enough terms that she’s going to go to the wedding.

I do think there were some things that were left loose (george bringing up donating to the poor was never addressed again, frances’s parents are barely addressed again which surprised me after the mrs. walters bit, etc) but now that I’m finished with it and not waiting for certain loose ends to be tied, I think that’s kind of the point. that sometimes things just end without closure. sometimes you just move on from people and you don’t get to change them in the way you wanted to.

I probably have a bunch more to say but the main thing is that every single character in this book felt extremely three dimensional to me, and that is a Really hard thing to pull off and it has made me even more excited to read all of lex’s future books. Came for the humor, stayed for the insanely well-developed characters.

[mypearchive]

PHILIP ETTINGER
                                                                                     in HBO Series I Know This Much Is True


PHOTOGRAPHY Mark Squires FASHION EDITOR Deborah Ferguson 
Interview by Sydney Nash


Philip Ettinger is an American actor, whose credits include starring alongside Ethan Hawke and Amanda Seyfried in “First Reformed” and “The Evening Hour,” which debuted at this year’s Sundance Film Festival. Ettinger’s most recent project is HBO’s “I Know This Much is True,” helmed by director Derek Cianfrance and starring Mark Ruffalo. Based on Wally Lamb’s acclaimed novel by the same name, it tells the story of the complicated relationship of two brothers (twins), one of which lives with paranoid schizophrenia. Ruffalo stars as the older iteration of the twins, while Ettinger inhabits the two characters in their youth. ContentMode spoke to the actor about the limited series and arguably, his best performance yet. 


Q: Before we dive into questions about I Know This Much Is True, I must first say, bravo. This show is visceral, heart-wrenching, and achingly beautiful. It was a very emotional experience watching, I must say. I’m curious as to the type of feedback you’ve been hearing from viewers and the people around you about the show. 


A: Thanks for saying that. This project is so close to my heart. It felt super emotional shooting it… it’s been really special. You know we’re going through such a fucking crazy time right now. You make a thing and have that whole experience of shooting it, and then you never really know how it might connect in the time of when it’s finally released. When I’m working on something, I’m so much in the state of not even thinking of it as being a product. Then, when it’s time for it to come out, it’s a bit of a mind fuck and scary.  And this in particular was such a vulnerable experience. Everyone gave so much of their heart to it. It’s being released in a really crazy and heavy time, and the show deals with a lot of real and heavy things. But what’s been amazing is the people who have reached out to me to tell me how important it’s been to them. And how much of an emotional balm it’s been. People have vulnerably shared with me how this show has made them feel less alone in their own unique situations and emotions. Honestly, it’s been fucking beautiful to see how much we all can relate and share in the really difficult work of being a human being.


We’re all connected. It’s been a nice reminder for me personally in this isolating time of quarantine.


Q: Tell me about how this role came about. I know you’ve been a long admirer of Mark Ruffalo’s work, so this must have been a dream project.


A: The whole thing just feels kind of kismet. One day, I get a random email from a friend of mine who was going in to audition for young Dessa (younger Kathryn Hahn). This was before I really knew anything about it. She forwarded me her appointment with the script and said, “You should be young Dominick/Thomas.” All of young Dessa’s scenes were with young Dominick/Thomas, so I was able to see what it was like.


I’ve always looked up to Mark and have been compared to him in the past. I even wrote him a letter when I was in acting school and doing This Is Our Youth, which was the play he did in New York, and I expressed to him how much I connect to his work. He was doing Awake and Sing! on Broadway at the time and I went to see the play and gave him the letter. On top of that, I grew up with a brother who dealt with schizophrenic symptoms. I felt a really strong purpose to tell this story as real and accurately as possible. It’s rare when it happens, but sometimes things come along where it’s much deeper than it just being a job. The purpose for doing it is so strong and instinctual that I’m able to move through any fears or insecurities to do it. I went into this audition with a really strong sense that I was the person who was meant to help tell this story.


Q: Did you and Mark ever prep for the role together? I’ve read that you and him took a long walk around the Upper West Side before shooting started.


A: Yeah we did. The way it worked was Mark shot all of Dominick first and then took a month and a half off to gain about 50 pounds in order to play Thomas. During that time off is when I shot most of my stuff. We would text back and forth with ideas and before shooting began we hung out and read each other’s scenes together. Then Mark went off to shoot his Dominick side. Derek Cianfrance our director showed me a bunch of Mark’s dailies for me to kind of get a sense of what Mark was doing with Dominick, but when it came to Thomas, I was the first one to introduce what he’d be like. It was fucking scary because I wanted to be as instinctual as possible and to make my own unique choices. At the same time, I didn’t want to paint Mark into a corner because he’d have to evolve whatever I was doing into older Thomas.

About a week before I went to shoot, I met Mark on the Upper West Side at a diner. We talked for hours. I had been waiting in the wings for months, getting ready to take over when he took his break. I can be a pretty obsessive thinker, so at that point, I was pretty much bursting holding these two distinctly different characters inside of me, ready to express myself and let my Dominick and Thomas out. At the same time, I was absolutely terrified because the thing I’d been obsessing about and literally having intense symbolic dreams about was finally going to happen. Mark encouraged me to make it my own, and on the way out of the diner, I started to tell him about these crazy and intense dreams I was having that were kind of informing me who these guys were. He said, “I’ve been having dreams too. Let’s take a walk,” and then we just walked like 50 city blocks. We were just meshing our energies, ideas and physicalities, as well as sharing stories and quickly connecting on a really vulnerable level to each other. We were having very similar dreams. It was crazy and beautiful and a night I’ll always remember. Talking about it now makes me yearn to get back into more collaborative experiences again.


Q: If you don’t mind me asking, how emotionally intense was performing the roles of both Dominick and Thomas? Did you find one character more challenging than the other and were you able to separate the two performances, or were they always informing the other?

A: It’s hard to really describe it using words. The whole thing was one big instinctual and emotional experiment. It was kind of impossible to anticipate the best way to make it all work.

First day was completely trial and error. Mark shot each character separately with a lot of time apart, but I was having to do every scene going back and forth. The whole thing was very out of body and cathartic. Or more like in my body and out of my head.


It’s interesting, I’ve been doing therapy in quarantine and have worked a bit with childhood regression exercises and going back to a time when I was four or five. I’ll go back on impulse and really connect to the feelings I was feeling without too much awareness of social rules and insecurities and ideas of how I needed to be and act. Then, doing the same thing, but going back to the thirteen year old version of me, who at that point had been knocked around a bit and was very insecure and shut down and scared and had less trust and freedom of emotion. Both of them are very alive inside of me. Shooting every scene, I’d be Dominick and feel really repressed and kind of locked up and angry and insecure in my feelings. Then when I’d switch over to Thomas, I got to rip off the shield and filter that I’ve created to personally protect myself in my life and just feel my feelings and pain and fear and anger and fully be on my impulse in a safe environment. It was freeing and painful and blissful, and all of the feelings. I gave myself permission not to judge myself. Then, I’d go back into Dominick and the shield went back up. It was a lot of back and forth of that.


Honestly, it’s impossible to really explain it in retrospect. It was like one giant therapeutic experiment. It definitely changed me and gave me some different perspectives.


Q: Did you ever feel like your acting influenced Mark’s performance or vice versa?


A: It felt like one ongoing collaboration. We were taking from each other from the preparation through the shooting. But there was an ease to it all, which just shows how generous Mark is as a human being and artist. He didn’t have to invite me in the way he did. I’m very grateful for that.


Q: What was it like working with director Derek Cianfrance? Did Derek allow you to bring your own experiences and POV to your characters?


A: Derek is my emotional soul brother. The guy has so much fucking heart and just sets up an atmosphere of trust and love and challenges you to go deeper than any ideas you may have and to find the truth of every moment. He wants you to bring all of your heart and soul to the part. He’s done so much work and has thought so deeply about the characters and the scenes, but then challenges and almost expects you to surprise him. It’s all about, as he says, ‘trying to capture Halley’s Comet in every scene.’ Something that’s straight from impulse and truth and surprising and spontaneous and can never be exactly recreated. It’s all a big experiment and diving into the truth of every dynamic and relationship.

That’s exactly the way I love to work, so it was just a fucking dream to play like that.


But in order to work at that level, you need to have such trust in the leader and it needs to be such a safe environment. With Derek, I just felt so safe.


Q: Tell me a little bit about how filming two characters on-screen at the same time worked. How much of what the audience sees when Dominick and Thomas are together is CGI?


A: It’s crazy. The editing is incredible. Other than a few connecting shots, many of the scenes the two brothers are never in the same shot together. I think Derek wanted to make it feel as natural and un-CGI as possible, so he relied on the performances to connect the dots. The response has been that it feels pretty seamless and not a distraction, which is great to hear. We all definitely tried to avoid the trick of it all and really cared about making each brother his own three dimensional being.


Q: The show was shot on film as compared to digitally. What’s the difference that shooting on film makes to the final product and the audience experience?


A: It’s awesome. It was my first time shooting on film. There’s a heightened intensity to it all, because there’s a limited amount of time before the film rolls out. It’s exciting. I tend to work best and am able to commit more when adrenaline is a little higher and there’s a little more pressure. There’s also something more tactile about it all. It feels more activated and felt like we were shooting a movie instead of a TV show.


Q: I’ve read in other interviews where you’ve spoken about how your relationship with your own brother (who has a history with schizophrenic symptoms) influenced your performance. Can you tell me a little bit about this (if you don’t mind sharing)? How important was authenticity to you?


A: My brother is doing great now. It’s amazing. But there was a long time when I was growing up where he was suffering. I watched him struggle through a lot of thoughts and emotions inside of his head. On the flip side, he was probably the most honest, empathetic and connected-to-the-energy-around-him person that I knew. And has deeply affected how I see things in a really special way. I also watched my parents try and understand and protect and deal with it and help. And do the best that they possibly could under the circumstances. They were amazing. But I also watched them struggle and make questionable decisions in order to help in the only ways they knew how. I was also having my own experience.


What was so important to me about this show was to be able to express all sides of the situation and the nuance to it all. Often, when there’s mental illness in a family, everyone is doing the best that they can with the tools that they have. Sometimes the “crazy” one is the most tapped in and actually present and intuitive and available. Sometimes the ones, who on the surface have their shit together, have no idea what they are doing.


I think this was a way for me to express myself and better understand what repressed feelings I had having a brother with mental illness. One thing’s for certain: I don’t think anyone involved was interested in anything but navigating the truths and realities of these situations.


Q: Based on your own experiences with your brother, the director Derek added in a scene to one of the episodes. Can you elaborate on what this scene was?


A: Yeah, I told Derek a bunch of stories about me and my brother. There was a period of time when he was around 22 and in the midst of a mental break. I was around 9, and we shared a room. Some of the stories were scary, but a lot of them were really funny and beautiful. I observed my brother be so present and tapped in to the energy and people around him. Sometimes his thoughts would get away from him, but almost always, the impulse of the thought and the intuition he would have was so on point. It made me feel like he was often more present and truthful and sane than so many other people around me who seemed to be repressing, overlooking and complying to the rules of society and the pressures of fitting in and saying and doing the right and popular thing. I felt like he really took me in and saw me better than anyone else.


I told Derek about how often my brother’s energy felt so expansive and truthful to his feelings that it would be infectious to the people around him and magical to me. And then Derek added a scene in episode 4 where Thomas is feeling a lot of emotions and the best way he’s able to express himself is through unadulterated dance. It’s a moment that Dominick watches on and knows he’d never be able to be so free in his emotions to express himself like that. [Derek] told me he added that scene inspired by the stories I told him about my brother.


Q: At its core, the show is about the relationship between two brothers, but the show touches on so many different enduring themes. What about the story speaks most strongly to you?


A: We’re all trying to get through life in the best ways that we know how. We all have unique family situations, life expectations, and struggles and pains on different levels. The show and Wally Lamb’s novel just touches on what it’s like to be human and the possibility for growth and change when it may feel like it’s impossible. As he says, “But what are our stories if not the mirrors we hold up to our fears.” And another quote that seems to resonate more than ever: “With destructions comes renovations.”


Q: You must be very proud of this show and the reception it’s receiving. How did you feel seeing the finished product?


A: It feels a little surreal to watch. It’s hard for me to fully take in my own stuff or to judge it good and bad, but what I will say is that there’s so much heart in the show and I’m forever proud and grateful to be a part of it. And to watch Mark and Rosie and Kathryn and John and Melissa and Archie and everyone else and feel so connected to them. And to have my family watch it and have it inspire new conversations between us. It feels very healing in a lot of ways. 


Q: Moving forward, what types of roles are you hoping to pursue? What’s the most important aspect of a project to you?


A: I don’t really know. I want to continue to work with people who inspire me and to feel a purpose with what I’m doing beyond ego and expectation. And to keep doing stuff that really scares me and to ultimately just find things that will help me evolve and gain some different perspectives. To continue to do things that make me feel connected and out of my own head.

I’ve been lucky to be a part of a few things where everyone involved is connected and on the same page and doing it for the right reasons, and the material is strong and every once in a while, when all those stars are aligned you can have moments of transcendence absent of ego and fear and judgement and you’re just riding on your impulse and intuition and heart. I want to keep chasing that.


Q: With the world in the midst of a pandemic and social unrest, what are you most hopeful for?


A: How connected we all really are even though the world feels divided right now. There’s so much pain and fear and anger right now, but there’s also a lot of change happening. And beauty. If there’s any silver lining to all of this loss, pain and suffering, I think it’s that it’s forced us to be more present with our families and loved ones. And maybe break some habits that we’d never be able to break on our own. And slowed things down a bit. And forced us all to look inward and to take a pause from all the fast and constant external validation so many of us think we want or need. I’ve witnessed thousands of people coming together to support each other and to stand up to injustice. This time has been traumatic on many levels for everyone, and I’m sure there will be long term effects of that, but also I’m excited to see the positive effects and positive changes this time may cause. In a way, it felt like we needed a bit of a reset and recalibration to really make some changes.

Quick Qs


Q: If you weren’t an actor, what would you be?

A: Maybe a therapist? I’m endlessly fascinated in why people do what they do and how they do it. And don’t do things. And why. And the relationship between our conscious and unconscious bodies and minds. And the potential of evolving our thought patterns past or through our blocks and pain and traumas. I’ve also spent a lot of time working one-on-one with autistic kids and adults, so maybe that. Something to do with human behavior and connection and growth and expression. Or if I was taller and more athletically gifted, it would be pretty damn cool to be an NBA basketball player.


Q: Role model?


A: Literally anyone who’s able to get through life with continued kindness, open-heartedness, positivity and evolution.

Q: Pet peeve?

A: People giving advice to other people based on what they would want or how they would act or react, instead of taking in the other person’s perspective.

Q: Most slept-on movie?


A: This is not particularly slept on, but this conversation and question is making me think of The Devil and Daniel Johnston. 


Q: The last thing you binged?


A: I’m a novice TV watcher. This past year and during quarantine is the first time I’ve really caught up on shows. Recently I’ve gone through Mad Men, The Affair – Maura Tierney’s so good in that. I just watched Normal People. I thought Paul Mescal was such a subtle and good actor in that. Oh, and In Treatment. I love In Treatment. I just heard that they may be bringing it back, which is exciting to hear. The nuances of two people in a room talking for a long time really does it for me.


Q: Dream role?


A: Hamlet? Even though that scares the shit out of me and seems to be a cliche’d answer for an actor my age.

Q: What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?


A: To try easier. It’s not necessarily the amount of time spent working, but more the quality and headspace of that time. 
Also, to stop trying to control the outcome of what and how I think I want something to go. Because guaranteed it won’t go exactly as planned and trying to force what I think is the best thing is quantifying and limiting the possibilities of what it could be. 
And something that I saved that Mark actually said to me:
  Hang tough, stay real, make your shots count when you get them and no matter what, keep moving. Just keep moving.


_______________________________________________


For remaining photographs from the Content Mode article, scroll down to the next post. 


(I am archiving this entire article here, because I have no idea whether or not the Content Mode site will continue to host the Ettinger interview in the future, as more is published there in time. No copyright infringement is intended.)

[karliesbuzzcut]

So my song that really cute deep is Closure, and in the interpretation of it being I don't need YOUR closure. Like the person is reaching out to the narrator to actually make themselves feel better, not for genuine reasons.

I'm 26 and I cut my father out of my life when I was 20 because after a really traumatic childhood I realized it was better for my mental health to cut ties, and it's really done wonders for me. But I chose not to explicitly tell his side of the family why I did it because I didn't want to be malicious and burn his entire support system. So instead he acts like the victim and I continue to be too nonconfrontational to correct the false stories that are most likely being told about me.

Even more than closure for me is My Tears Ricochet. It's honestly insane how accurately it relates to my situation and it feels so deeply personal to listen to. Like it genuinely sounds like it was written based on my life, it's crazy.

Wow, I bet is veery cathartic to listen to a songs that touches on something so personal.

One of my best friends has a very complicated relationship with her dad and I’ve seen how devastating that can be... and I wish there was anything I could say. But I’m glad you took the step of cutting ties with him and his reaction almost seems to be proving you were right to do so.

[a-robin-among-thorns]

Show Your Work

Word Count: 1,592

This started out as a little rambling inspired by a cute tumblr post but ended up being something cathartic during my own finals week. Either way forgive me for not being very present lately. 

Of her reasons for attending the college what had thus far borne the most apparent fruit was Chise’s desire to experience the normal life of a girl her age. Well, as normal as life could be in an underground secret facility of Alchemist, Inhumans and talking cats. And she was currently facing down perhaps the greatest equalizer of all academia: Finals. 

The gauntlet thus far had been fierce. Latin and economics had left many victims in its wake at the start of the week, herself only just managing to scrape by. She was given one day of sanctuary before having to return to battle for Magical Theory earlier that evening. The final trial awaited her in the morning. 

It was Thursday night while she ate dinner that evening. Although she had given a convincing performance of appearing unaffected, her current motions of dinner where all a front to appease the Silver One’s rath. If given the choice she would have holed herself off to study until the late hours of the night, her tummy too restless to allow food, but the entire manor had made their displeasure with the said course of action well known. She was forced into self-preservation whether she liked it or not. 

At that thought she huffed a small grin around her soup, a sound quickly picked up on from her worry wort mage across the table. He eyed her curiously as he often did when a matter of human interaction was just out of his understanding. Fragrant orange soup silenced the action as it slid past her lips and down her throat. Chise did not wish to belittle Elias’ questions, but her energy would be needed elsewhere in the coming hours.   

Her spoon clinked gently on her napkin. “Thank you for dinner Silver.” Chise praised as she tidied her mouth with a napkin. “I’m going to get ready for bed.”

The curiosity Chise had hoped to distract in Elias’ eyes, instead bloomed and refocused. His head swiveled to the clock, confirmed his suspicions, and returned to her. “It’s awful early for bed, is something wrong?”

“Nothings wrong!” She answered a bit too eagerly for her liking, “I’ll just be leaving for class early tomorrow.” Chise said across the dinner table.

Taken aback Elias placed his teacup on its saucer, focusing his complete attention on Her. “Why is that? I had thought your exam didn’t begin until 10:30?”

Chise sighed, “it does but I want to get a few good study hours in beforehand.”

“There is no need to strain yourself.” He urged gently. “You’ve studied plenty and you’ve done well in chemistry thus far.” 

“I know, I know” She sighed knowing on some instinctual level that he was right and she was being silly, “but I’m teetering right at 90 percent. I don’t want to make a mistake and fall to a B.” She stood to avoid further questions and quickly placed her plates in the sink. She shouted goodnight over her shoulder and hurried up the stairs. 

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Ruth echoed in her mind. His desire to ensure his master was not straining herself permeated his mental presence, nestled alongside his desire to finish her uneaten carrot stew. “I am,” she assured uncertain if he had been convinced. But feeling the odd sensation of carrots and ginger intermingling among her senses as she brushed her teeth, Chise chose to believe Ruth had found some peace with the decision. 

As she opened the door to the bedroom she blinked in surprise. At the bed’s edge stood Elias buttoning up his nightshirt. “What are you doing?” She asked dumbfounded.

“Preparing for bed.” He answered still absorbed in the task at hand. 

“How come?” Chise rose an eyebrow, Elias rarely went to bed past midnight. 

“So I can come with you tomorrow.”

“Oh,” she rose her hands defensively, “You don’t need to do that, didn’t you already present your final today? You should enjoy the day off.”

The last button slipped through its hole underneath the shirt collar. “Now how could I do that if you weren’t here?” He said missing the bloom across Chise’s face. “Besides, you can study in my quarters. It’s more comfortable than the student lounge. And fewer distractions I’d suppose.” He finally turned, fully acknowledging her presence in the room. “Unless you don’t want to, of course.”

Guiltily, her eyes searched the room aimlessly. “No, it’s not that I just...planned on leaving very early, before sunrise…” Chise’s words were swallowed down her throat as Elias crossed the room taking her cheek in hand.

“I can deal with an early morning if it means ensuring your safe arrival.” He nuzzled her temple affectionately. 

“Well...ok,” She relented. “...but don’t feel like you have to.”

——

A musical tune that would have been pleasant under any other circumstance jostled Chise out of her warm sanctuary of sleep and blankets. She snapped her eyes open quick to grab her phone off the nightstand and silence the alarm. Breathing deeply she forced herself to sit upright in darkness untouched by sunlight. Beside her lay Elias’ still comatose form, his back rising and falling to the rhythm of a gentle rumble. She knew what he said last night but still couldn’t bring herself to break him out of his slumber needlessly. 

Slowly she pulled back the comforter and lower herself lightly to stand. The bed creaked as her weight left the bed and she froze. Elias’ breathing hitched dissolving into a grumble. Chise stood still hoping he would fall back asleep, to no avail. Elias rose to his elbows yawning loudly. “G’ morning, Chi...se. Give me a couple...minutes I’ll get dressed.” 

A tight line formed on Chise’s lips. “Elias...really, you don’t have to..”

“I know but I…” He yawned again shaking his head as he stood, “want to.” 

All further attempts at protest met similar counters until Ruth glaring up from his restful spot in Chise’s lamplit shadow finally silenced her.

Groggily they got dressed and downed the tea and toast Silver had set out for them. Soon they were off through the countryside, through the phone box short cut and walking into the college. The artificial sun that rarely reflected an accurate time of day burned their eyes as they made their way to the professors' quarters where Elias’ private room resided. 

Chise had to admit that Elias was right that his room was more comfortable and quiet than the study rooms. Despite the early hour, they had already come across a handful of sleep-deprived students chattering and cramming in the halls. There was still one distinct problem though, the only surface suitable for Chise to study on was Elias’ desk, where he had already sat down. 

“Um, Elias may I…” 

He patted his knee in invitation. Not what she meant but she didn’t have any objections. She sat down on his lap where he immediately wrapped his arms around her waist in what was now familiar affection. She located her textbook from her bag placing it open on the desk. She went over the practice problems, an anxious jitter set in her knee and fingers. 

“You are tense,” Elias stated causing Chise to jump. “You have studied well,” His hands caressed her belly fondly, “You have nothing to worry about.” 

Chise sighed, “I know, it’s just...I can’t help but worry about it. Even though I know I’m prepared and I’ve done well before.” The words Elias and others had told her in earnest attempts at comfort found their way onto her tongue. She wasn’t upset that they had tried to assure her, quite the opposite. But she felt shameful that despite her efforts the words had reached her brain and not her heart. “I suppose I’m just scared that I won’t be able to do well again. That my success so far has been a coincidence. I have a hard time believing I can do it.”

The gentle rumbling that often signified that Elias was carefully weighing his words vibrated against her. “Students far less driven and talented than you have succeeded before you. I should know a handful have taken my course.” Chise snickered despite herself. “Besides,” He angled his skull onto her shoulder, meeting her eyes sidelong, “even if you fail, the exam does not determine your worth. Neither as a student nor a person.” 

Chise’s hand stilled at his words.

“That said, you know the material better than you think, just review and…” His words were cut off by a snore as his head slumped against her shoulder. The lights of his eyes snuffed out like birthday candles. Chise snorted. “Thank you, Elias.” She cupped his cheek, nuzzling affectionately before she returned to her practice problems. The clock ticking was much less foreboding while surrounded by the comforting weight of her husband embracing her punctuated by his steady breath.

—— 

Come 10:30 Chise was standing outside the chemistry classroom. Her fingers still fretted nervously, but her feet felt grounded and firm. She looked down the hall where Elias and Ruth stood. Ruth flashed a thumbs up, although he still appeared somewhat grumpy that familiars were not allowed in the testing area. Elias waved as his eyes curved in a smile. Chise waved back before a creak broke the silence in the hall. The door opened and students poured into their desks reading the board instructions briefly before diving into their papers. 

Chise read the first question and smiled to herself. He was right, she did know the material better than she thought. 

[juniper-and-lamplight]

DGHDA Feedback Fest prompt: Femslash or fic starring women

I added this prompt to the @dghdafeedbackfest rec prompt list because I hoped people would use it, and so obviously I’m going to kick off my recs for the week by using it myself! I’ve recced a lot of these fics previously, but I’ve added some newer ones, too, because I’m always looking to read about the weird, brilliant women on this show. Recs are under the cut, in alphabetical order by author.

A Moment of Clarity - electricteatime | @kieren-fucking-walker - 7k, G, Farah/Tina “Farah is saved from answering when Tricia promptly throws up on her own shoes. She would be more annoyed, but in the moment she finds herself too preoccupied to care. Girls with girls. There’s a thought.“ If you believe that Farah Adrienne Black deserves ALL the love and acceptance, from herself and from others, then you absolutely must read this fic.

real and okay and beautiful - embraidery | @blueandnoah - 2.8k, G, Farah/Tina/Amanda (but mostly just friendship) "Mona’s feeling down in the dumps (body insecurities) and her friends try to help her feel better about it all!” Do you love awesome women supporting each other and feeling free? If so, read this!

Keep the Home Fires Burning - @flightinflame - 16k, M, Farah/Tina, AU “Bergsberg is a small town off the beaten track. For Project Vesta, a Blackwing runaway, it offers a fresh start and the chance of a friend in the town’s sheriff.” A painful, cathartic fic that gives Tina’s character some real attention, and gives Farah and Tina the happiness they deserve.

Casual (Isn’t Something I Can Do) - @gallantrejoinder - WIP, E, Farah/Tina “Farah Black may have come to terms with being a lesbian, but that doesn’t mean she’s … out, exactly. And there aren’t that many opportunities for closeted lesbians to gain any experience with other women. Enter Tina Tevetino - bisexual, out, and experienced. And more importantly, extremely good at maintaining the "benefits” part of a friends with benefits arrangement.“ This is the Farina fic of my DREAMS, y’all. The characterization feels so deeply accurate to me that I’m not sure I can convey the feeling with words? I just. Love it. SO HARD.

pray for the thunder and the rain - inkyfishes - 7k, T, Farah/Amanda "A Farah-centric slice of a possible future. Everything has gone wrong. Everything is broken. Farah works through her anxiety whilst beginning their lives on the run. Her place in the universe is, as yet, undecided.” An excellent and all-too-brief glimpse into Farah’s psyche, with a steady undercurrent of Faranda.

i was born in a summer storm (i live there still) - janeseyre - 10k, G, Farah & Todd & Dirk “Farah confronts the vestiges of her past as she, Dirk, and Todd travel east to visit her mother. It turns out Farah isn’t as over her father’s death as she thought she was.” A deeper look into Farah’s families, both biological and chosen; full of lovely little smile moments and Farah getting the closure she deserves.

Never Played It Cool - @lavellington - 1.8k, T, Farah/Amanda “Dude,” Amanda says, squeezing her tight while her hair tickles Farah’s face. “It’s so good to see you.” “You too,” Farah says, meaning it, and when they break apart Amanda’s hands linger on her shoulders for a second longer than they have to, and that’s nice. That’s enough to feed her borderline pathetic crush for a week, at least.” Short, sweet, a tiny bit steamy, and beautifully in-character.

Hold Her Fast - Lynds | @gold-from-straw - 11.9k, T, Farah/Amanda, AU “Farah Black is the new girl in Amanda’s school, and she’s captivating. Everyone has a story about her. Amanda just can’t quite figure out why her entire being is so totally aware of her, why her skin prickles when she’s around, why Farah looks more real than anyone else she’s ever known.” I’m not typically into high school AUs, but this one is funny, moving, angsty, and gloriously DEFIANT.

Firearms Proficiency 101 - @nekosmuse - 3k, T, Farah/Amanda “I can’t believe you took me to your private shooting range on our first date. That is so punk.” Do you enjoy awkward Faranda? ME TOO. Especially stuff like Farah saying: “I… I am… into you as well.” These nerds

you will soothe my worried looks - orphan_account - 2k, T, Farah/Amanda “Farah sees a therapist. It’s a strange journey, but not one she needs to take alone.“ I would read many thousands more words of Farah in therapy, honestly.

there’s cell reception on this widow’s walk - strix_alba - 2k, T, Farah/Tina "In which Tina sort-of-kind-of asks Farah to stay with her in Bergsberg, and Farah kind-of-sort-of wants to say yes.” Clumsy flirting, Farina styles! Tina mentally describes the Jacket Team as a “bunch of hot, uptight weirdos,” which is p e r f e c t.

Coincidental - tastewithouttalent - 3.7k, M, Farah/Tina “It turns out that blue is a ridiculously good color against the dark of Farah’s skin, and also that that shirt fits her better than any shirt has any right to fit anyone, and also apparently Tina has more of a uniform kink than she realized she did.” You just have to love a babbling, awkwardly-crushing Tina.

And finally, this fic isn’t femslash-focused, but it has enough Faranda in it that it deserves an honorable mention:

Stuck in the Middle - @dont-offend-the-bees​ - WIP, T, Farah/Amanda, Dirk/Todd “Dirk returns to the Ridgely after an impromptu jaunt across the Nordic wilderness, and finds life has moved on somewhat in his absence. With Farah camping in his bedroom, Bart and Ken living in (alleged) domestic bliss, and Todd freshened up and back on the dating scene, he finds himself with no one to commiserate with but his agoraphobic landlady Amanda; who, sadly, remains the one person he can never be truly honest with, on account of the whole ‘lying to get the flat’ thing.”  Seriously, the intensity of the Faranda flirting in this fic is off the charts, and it’s laugh-til-you-snort funny as well.

Further fic recs | Fic bookmarks

[thebiasrekkers]

Bias Rekkers FAQ

ABOUT US

We are three best friends that enjoy Writing, RP, Anime, and Music [K-Pop, especially]. We have decided to throw all our eggs in one Tumblr basket. We love making other people (and each other) question our emotions and biases daily. We like our angst.

Thus The Bias Rekkers blog was born. 

About Admin T.

The oldest of the trio. Disabled. One half of an Interracial Relationship [a theme that will be commonly displayed in her writing]. Walking P0rn [She likes the smut with her stories]. Most likely to use the NSFW tags. Bias Roulette is her favorite game [even though Kim Taehyung holds her immortal soul]. Ask Requests: As long as it’s legal and not too outlandish? She’ll write it. All things will be discussed before accepting a request.

About Admin E.

The Middle Child of the Trio. Half Korean and Half Black/African American/French Creole/Whatever she feels like on a Tuesday afternoon. Suffers from acute PTSD and has a mild case of DID - all clinically diagnosed. While she enjoys writing the smuts, most of her stories consist of drama and angst because she thoroughly enjoys hurting people’s feelings (hers included). Her NSFW tags will primarily be for adult themes. Though raised in the States for the majority of her life, Admin E grew up in a Traditional Korean household so any information regarding the culture, customs, traditions, and the very nation itself is 100% accurate. While she typically has a bias and bias wrecker for every KPOP group, Jungkook and Changkyun are the only maknaes that holds her attention (Kim Wonsik has chained her spirit...for now).  Ask Requests: She’s pretty free reign so long as it isn’t something that exists far out in the event horizon somewhere. Admin E specializes in graphics as well. Everything will be touched on with the other admins before taking on requests of any nature.

About Admin L.

The youngest of the Trio, half Choctaw and also suffering from an Auto-Immune Disease. Guilty until proven innocent and Chaos Princess with a love of explosions as well as space. Most likely to use NSFW tags in the sense of violence. Also most likely to put sci-fi or fantasy elements into a story or drabble because she actually practices Wicca. Ask Requests: If she has a question about it, she’ll consult with the other two Admins. Otherwise, its free reign.

“Do you take requests?” 

Yes! Admin E and Admin L are photoshop savvy witches! All the graphics, banners, and anything of that nature will be handled by those two. Admin E is exceptionally gifted, and she is in charge of any and all video/gif edits. If any graphics are not created by the admins, they will always be appropriately credited to the original owner. That being said - please make sure to credit any images used from the blog. 

All Admins will be responsible for any writing requests. 

Triggers Warnings, Unsavory situations, and NSFW, oh my! 

The Admins all understand the need to respect boundaries, and to give readers a choice in the content they consume. It is for that reason that we will offer TW on hard subject matters. If there are mentions of a situation or an actual scene that contains: racism, mental health concerns, sexual abuse, extreme BDSM themes, gore, murder, questionable consent, or excessive amounts of bodily fluid? We will MOST DEFINITELY TW. 

We will not shy away from unsavory situations because life provides lessons and situations that are just unavoidable. We are a team of multiple ethnic identities and will write from the perspectives that we know. Please be aware that anything used in any story is based on the admin’s personal experience. They are not meant to represent the identities and experiences of anyone else.  

We are readers that also like to be surprised. So when it comes to NSFW, unless there is something that is beyond the ordinary, NSFW will entail general sexual encounters, nudity, masturbation, or lewd/conversation. We anticipate anyone coming across our works is old enough read them. We also expect that anyone that comes across our works understands that these are the works of very adult and very active imaginations. 

If you have a question about any of our works? Please feel free to DM us, and we’ll respond privately and promptly.

Respect

All the Admins are in their 30′s. All Admins have experience with mental health issues. All the admins have experience with racial issues. All Admins have experience with a disability of some sort. Please understand any use of these themes in any stories have been discussed, planned, reviewed, beta’d, and consulted upon. We have shared and cried over things, and with permission from each other have created stories that we care deeply about. You can disagree with a portrayal, you can even suggest something more you’d like to see. We are all open here.

We use our writing as a cathartic outlet for our own issues. These are our thoughts and experiences only; they do not represent a whole of any group or population.

[authoratmidnight]

OK I actually have a lot of ramblings about the newest VRAINS ep so, here we go!

So, first up, the summary mislead us. The summary we had gotten said that Ai was ‘attacking humans’. Which suggested either he was attacking people at random or had a list of people he was tracking down. Neither of which was the case.

What he really did was attack Queen-the one who was responsible for the murder of his friend, then send Akira a warning telling he’d be coming for him. Or more accurately his key.

I’m still thinking Ai’s plan is to take control of SOL tech and use it/their assets to try and revive his friends. That just, makes the most sense. Also, I really don’t think his actual intent is to kill Akira, Akira is just panicking and overreacting. All Ai said was that in three days he was coming for the key and Akira would not longer be #1 at SOL. Which, if Ai takes the key even without a fight, is exactly what’s gonna happen. Ai 1) Ai would be the one in control, automatically making HIM #1 and 2) Akira would probably be demoted for losing something that important. So yeah. Ai is just a dramatic bitch and Akira is paranoid and panicking.

On that note, while I get Yusau being sad at seeing what Ai is doing, he’s making it sound like is just, indiscriminately attacking people with sadistic glee instead of, you know, having attacked one single person in an act of revenge, who frankly had it coming. Also it’s Ai, as I said before, he’s dramatic. Ofc he’s gonna look like he’s enjoying this(also it was probably cathartic).

I know some people aren’t impressed with the identity reveal but I liked it. I’m not sure if Aoi had already figured it out and led her brother there so he could figure it out, or if she saw Shoichi at the hotdog stand and went ‘oh shit it him’ recognizing him as Unnamed and put the pieces together like Akira did and then decided to drag Akira there. I’m just glad it happened (how long till it clicks that Takeru = SB and who’s gonna tell him that the cat’s outta the bag?)

I’m sort of amused how throughout the scene Aoi’s just, enamoured cause she’s meeting the hero of Link VRAINS and the one who saved her and her brother several times, irl and Yusaku is just, really confused about everything.

Now, I don’t ship Angelmaker (I just want them to be friends at the very least, which seems likely) but like, from an Aoi standpoint it, kiinda makes sense if you think about it. I mean, a handsome mystery man has saved her and her brother and Link VRAINS so it makes sense for her to be enamoured by him and like, have a hero-worship kind of crush thing going on (like Naoki).

Also if we’re gonna use the ‘the writers are making them spend time together’ as proof that they’re trying to build to it, I guess they’re trying to build to Recoil as well since they’re stuffing Rev and Takeru as a team and together in the OP multiple times. lmao

Yusaku on the other hand, yeah. haha. His expressions said it all. He was so deeply confused. Poor guy. (tbh it’s probably the lack of interaction + Yusaku’s absolute disinterest that makes it hard for me to ship it. i could definitely buy a one sided sort of thing for Aoi tho)

Aoi: I want you to shake my hand.

Yusaku, internally: But why tho?

Ahh Pandore. Yeah this totally won’t backfire in any way. Nope. I see my sorta theory from the other day about her was right tho. And only time will tell if she will double as a Pandora’s Box as well. And what all that entails.

Also, between Akira wanting to talk with Rev about ‘one more thing’ and him being super sure that his physical body is safe, I wonder if he enlisted their help. Like, hiding on their boat/up in the house. Cause really, I don’t think Ai would think to look there. For Yusaku yes, not for Akira.

I had a thought earlier, when Ema said that Akira would take the blame if/when SOL’s dirty laundry comes to light even tho he wasn’t responsible for that stuff. What if that was why they insisted on promoting him? They could tell SOL was on shaky ground, so why not set up a fallguy for when shit hits the fan? Seems like, exactly the sort of thing they’d pull.

And really Aoi, you’re object to working with Hanoi cause ‘they’re criminals’. Aside from those 5, your group also consists of, 3 hackers (Playmaker, Ghost Girl and Shoichi), a guy who used to do work for Yakuza and other gangs/organized crime groups (Akira), a bounty hunter who’s probably done less than legal things (Blood Shepherd) and someone who was something of a delinquent and may or may not have gotten in trouble for it (Soulburner). Like, Aoi and Go are the only one who haven’t done anything illegal at this point (Go did bad things, but he was working for SOL so none of it was really, illegal). Plus ike, ya sure didn’t have a problem teaming up with them against Lightning.

I’m amused that the episode shut down the idea of whether or not Yusaku would recognize Ai when they fought/met in one fell swoop. Ai’s just like ‘Yo it me’ Not even trying to hide it.

Im not sure what to make of GO and BS being back. I wish they’d acknowledge what BS did to SB cause like, yeah that was mean an uncalled for. I’m sure Ema’s making sure her bro plays nice but still. Idk if we’re gonna get an explanation for Go, maybe he learned things from Earth while having the Ignis in his head and that + his last defeat was the wake up call he needed. Who knows.

[the-nysh]

As an anime only who was 100% ready to suffer I ended up thinking the episode felt rushed and that maybe everybody was overreacting to the arc so I ended up checking the manga and although the cat and the stabbing were upsetting ( I knew it would happen so I didn't feel the shock) what really made me uncomfortable were the instances where mob was being pressured before getting physically hurt, such as minori pressuring him to present himself properly and such, I wish they'd kept that in :/

Ah! I’m glad to hear your thoughts/impressions as an animeonly, who then became curious to check out the manga for those particularscenes and important feelings that were missing from the ep. (Thank you forthat extra care and effort!) Because one of my initial concerns from my mixed ‘hmm’reaction was whether or not the ep could leave viewers with an accurate enoughexperience that’s representative of ONE’s vision. I honestly wasn’t sure howanime onlys would receive it, as limited/condensed as the anime’s narrative andemotional presentation was, or if the original messages (the very heart andhumility that made his works unique in the first place) could still resonatethrough intact. So I’m glad to hear your input.   

While there’s much universal praise for the animationquality for sure, already I’ve seen other reviews from people who’re onlyacquainted with ONE’s works through the anime mediums (opm included), who’ve startedto generalize and misconstrue that prevalent flashy action/sakuga sequencesand therefore weaker handled narrative elements directly reflect the extent ofONE’s writing skills. …Uh oh, there might be a problem/disconnect here. Tothem, based on what they’ve seen presented and prioritized in the animes, they’vecome to assume that flashy style and poor substance = just another mediocre/shallowwriter. Which, *facepalm* oh no. That is a huge disservice and terribly unfortunatemisunderstanding for them to conclude and take away from only limited adaptations of his works. For one thing,the directional decisions made by the anime staff (for better or worse), forthe purpose of celebrating his works,do not reflect ONE’s creative skills as a writer at all. The choices made bythe anime production committee are not his fault/responsibility either. Ifviewers can genuinely feel satisfied and entertained by just the anime, thenthat’s great! But if it leaves a lingering feeling of confusion and discord,unfulfilled for many and others left with the misunderstood impression that ONE’sworks (especially mp100 here) are only valued for their impressive feats of action…then there’s an error in faithfully translatingbetween media somewhere. 

I can confidently assure however, there wouldn’t be so much genuinelove poured into the adaptations of his works (including the blood, sweat, andtears from Murata’s opm manga), if the only thing of value and substance in hiswriting amounted to the shallow end of a gag. (Which is one of my biggestpeeves with how some people categorize opm by the way.) Instead, ONE presentsthings that resonate on a much deeper and personal level than that. And inmp100, arguably even much more so. 

For example, when recalling the words ‘Mogami arc’, what isthe predominant feeling that comes to mind or lasting impression left behind? Afterviewing it from only the anime’s perspective, experiencing it in full in themanga, or both? This is what I’m unsure about, because I can’t know how muchanime onlys will take away or remember from what the episode chose to deliver.Because for many manga readers (including me), the arc was something deeply jarringand unforgettable that impacts the rest of the story going forward. A favorite turningpoint for many for how emotionally raw and cathartic the payoff was afterenduring so much sustained mental torment. Finding the inspirational innerstrength to counter and overcome all that oppressive/horrific negativity withsomething positive and hopeful. Towardseven further self-realization, forgiveness, and growth. Because as in all of ONE’s works, no matterhow dark and cruel things can get in all their explicit glory (which are not justthere for gratuitous sake), there is almost always a silver lining andsatisfying solution to come out of it, even if it’s something so unexpectedlyhumble and relatably human. Delivering that kind of message is one of the areaswhere ONE’s heart truly shines, and it’s something I personally value withinhis works too.

Can I honestly say I felt the same way reading as I did watchingthe ep? As much as I enjoyed and was stunned to jaw-dropping silence by the incrediblevisuals, that answer is no. The original feelings that gave the ‘Mogami arc’ itsunique identity and made it a painfully unforgettable experience in the firstplace…were unfortunately not met. What lingers is a sense of visual awe and animationappreciation definitely, but for a lasting impression? Should the anime be rememberedand lauded just for its feats of animation/action(following/competing in areas opm already does) when the point of the originalwas about emotions so much further beyondthat? The manga’s –ONE’s– version of the arc is therefore still the definitivevision that comes to mind that I would recommend.

So now, just as the episode’s title mentioned it would bringdiscord, viewers have choices too. Toenjoy the merits of the ep on its own, as a standalone love-letter or sample tributeto what more of ONE’s manga has to offer too. I suppose it is one success if the episode piqued many people’s curiosity to finallycheck out the original manga. (As many animes are designed to do anyway.) But…afterexperiencing both now, recall what moments made you feel that upsetting levelof discomfort and building pressure (taut tension which is another one of ONE’sskills), endured and suffered right alongside Mob, to really feel what ONEwanted to deliver in the first place over what BONES chose to do. Which isstronger or more effective? Which approach permeates and invades the mind as atestament to Mogami’s evil? And in turn, showcases the strength of Mob’s mentalfortitude? Choices and subjective opinions can be made, but I surely hope many viewers’lasting impression of mp100 is not one of another high octane, well-animatedbattle shonen without much else to offer. The emotions displayed in the othereps, like for example the ghost family, were so well done, so here’s hoping theemotions in the next arcs will take similar precedence. Because if the animecan succeed both visually AND emotionally, it has the potential to become anunforgettable classic for sure.  

[salavante]

for the OC tag thing: the Helmsman!

Cat’s out the bag so here’s The Helmsman featured with his real name! 

Full Name: Yawg-Ecthylion, The Helmsman, God of The Void

Gender and Sexuality: Male and eh I dunno, I’ve never thought about it, but his two romantic entanglements have been with women.

Pronouns: He/Him but I don’t think he’d turn his nose up at they/them, I think he sees himself as existing outside of human constructs of that kind of thing. He’s not really even organic.

Ethnicity/Species: Threnghelleon Deity

Birthplace and Birthdate: Hah ok, here’s a funfact that I’ll probably talk about later in something specifically about them, and that I think I talked about with Ethem-Cailo. All of the OG Threnghelleon gods were made by Jovix-Diocunigast’s experiences. There was awhile where whenever Dio had a new thought or action, a new god would spin into being. The Helmsman was created when Dio first conceptualized ‘nothingness’. I think there’s a little more to it than that, but that ball might be in my Co-DM’s court.

Guilty Pleasures: The Helmsman is cruel, bitter and sadistic, and enjoys inflicting pain on things. I think one can extract a lot from that alone. Before the hunt, he had spent most of his several millennia long life almost completely isolated, hunting eldritch abominations at the bottom of Threnghelleon’s icy ocean, which has informed a lot of his decision making in how he fights and sees his opponents. Wearing down large enemies slowly, making use of what’s left of the carcass - that’s The Helmsman’s game. Which is really a roundabout way of saying that he basically tortures his opponents and then takes trophies or makes scrimshaws, leather-working pieces, etc out of the dead gods and mortals that he faces on The Hunt. He likes to step on toes and rattle cages to get reactions out of people. Negative attention is better than no attention, and it’s certainly made him a fan favorite among Threnghelleon’s edgier viewers. I say this as a guilty pleasure because he is not incapable of guilt, and before the hunt, was a fairly honorable, lawful God, if not still violent and creepy. In rare moments of reflection, he wonders how he fell so far, but usually doubles down afterwards. The public and the rest of the pantheon saw him a certain light that gained him attention, and he, starved for any kind of connection to others, leaned heavily into it. He has allowed other people’s perceptions and opinions of him to shape his identity and sense of personhood, which I think is rather tragic, but he likes making belts out of human hair so...

Phobias: It’s hard for me to say what The Helmsman is afraid of because most of his worst fears have come to pass and have made him the bastard coated bastard we know today. Being alone, being forgotten countless times, having his expertise and hard work taken advantage of. Paranoia aimed at Jovix-Diocunigast has turned out to be entirely accurate - Dio felt threatened by how much attention that The Helmsman was getting for defending the realm and killing giant monsters, so Dio effectively cursed him so that no one could remember his name. People began calling him Yawg-Ecthylion less and less, and The Helmsman more and more. Ethem-Awnrah, Goddess of Memory, is the only one who remembered his real name.

What They Would Be Famous For: The Helmsman played pretty much right into Dio’s ploy and turned into a craven, vile weirdo, and the media circus that broadcasts The Hunt loves him for it.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Murder and turning corpses into crafts.

OC You Ship Them With: The Helmsman has had two canonical spouses which have both produced children. His first wife was mortal, a deep-sea marine biologist named Svea who came upon his ship, The Susurrant Phantasm, in her own submarine while researching the fauna surrounding the Mouth of Yawg, Threnghelleon’s entrance into the void/ether/unknown/whatever you’d like to call it. Their union produced The Helmsman’s demigod daughter Yawg-Enyion, who would later take up his mantle of defending the realm with her warfleet while The Helmsman was on The Hunt. However, between her inability to remember his name, and being torn between her own life and her duty as the wife of a deity, the two of them split. Enyion reminds The Helmsman of his ex-wife a bit too much for comfort, and the two of them have a very strained, complicated relationship.

The next one is a little bit of a doozy.

Yawg-Ecthylion and Ethem-Awnrah always kind of had eyes for each other, and were courting before he lost his name and was soft-shunned by the rest of the pantheon. This, naturally, disrupted all of that, and they would not reconnect until The Hunt occurred. In the time between The Circle going on The Hunt and The Helmsman slowly deteriorating into a monstrous douchebag, he and Awnrah clicked again and produced a son: Veth-Rawn, the mysterious god of Psychics. But Sal, you say, in that writeup you made a thousand years ago, didn’t you say that Veth-Rawn had uncertain parentage? Well, that is because The Helmsman being a nasty ass murderous bastard made The Goddess of Memory so incensed that she accidentally wiped all of the universe’s memory of their time together in a fit of passionate rage. This, unfortunately, included Veth-Rawn, leaving the God of Psychics mentally shattered, and forced to grow up utterly alienated by his would-be family, who didn’t know who he was or why he was there. It is only really recently that this came to light, and was one of my endgame plot twists.

If the team beats Dio, The Helmsman will go back to Threnghelleon with his comatose son to heal him and try to make things right with his daughter, Enyion. Awnrah is staying with the hometeam and the other defectors from The Hunt - Geeg, Derog and Wybjorn. I’ll probably touch on her sometime on her own, I’m quite fond of her, and she’s a Good Guy now so she’ll be featuring in post-Godslaughter campaigns.

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Either Jonquil (his hometeam rival for the game), Jovix-Diocunigast or Jovix-Cailo. Jonquil spent the better part of the game trying to learn how to shove his soul into a diamond and hurl it into space. Jovix-Cailo has hated him for a very long time and enjoyed tormenting him as soon as he got a power bump. And Dio would just turn him into a smear for defecting. Awnrah could also utterly annihilate him if she wasn’t such a decent person, she could crack his psyche open like an egg.  

This is where the book/movie section usually goes but I’ll be real with you, I don’t think The Helmsman bothers with either. I think he sees most things of human invention as being kind of beneath him. But he especially hates most artistic interpretations of himself, and has very seldom happened upon one that he feels gives him due diligence.

Talents and/or Powers: The Helmsman honestly has a build that I would LOVE to use as a player character. It hinges largely on stacking DOTs (Damage Over Time) and status afflictions, making him able to whittle down opponents with large health pools as well as get a trickle of HP back to himself. His whaling hooks are called Black Tongue and North Star, and they give him some pretty impressive reach, and the ability to swing large, heavy objects around. He also has a few abilities such as “Where Strides The Behemoth” that gives him heavier damage output when he’s facing an enemy larger than him, and “Like Water”, where he effectively ignore gravity and can move freely through space. His very large peepers are usually squinting, as he is not really accustomed to full light, but in darkness, they open all the way into horrible, near perfect circles. Really, out of all of the Threnghelleon gods, The Helmsman is the most biologically compatible with his environment.

Why Someone Might Love Them: The Helmsman has a very primal, intense quality that I think a certain kind of person could find attractive. For many years, he did a very dirty, thankless job that benefitted all mankind and the pantheon, which is perfectly respectable. He’s fairly witty and is good at banter, and is handy in a fight, a couple of traits that Threnghelleon folk appreciate. I also think his more tragic qualities attract a level of pity that could entice someone to desire becoming closer to him. I dunno, he has magic eyes that see in the dark, some people dig that.

Why Someone Might Hate Them: He stalks/murders/tortures indiscriminately and treats corpses of pretty much anything like someone would treat the corpse of an animal. He does not see the distinction between humanoid person and animal/monster and considers it all free game. He’s mouthy, impatient, cruel and sadistic and has set aflame 10,000 worlds. What’s not to hate.

How They Change: The Helmsman’s arc in the game was the slow-dawning horror of the fact that pretty much all of his current murderous identity has been spoon-fed to him by other people, and he just kind of went along with it because he was weak-willed and desperate for attention. This troubles him pretty deeply and makes him lose his hutzpah towards the end of the game. He does end up defecting from the Hunt to the hometeam to help take down Diocunigast, the guy who cursed him and started his downhill slope. But I really hesitate to say that he’s a Good Guy. He doesn’t feel all that bad about all the people he’s tortured/killed/made into fanny packs, at least not to the degree he should. The Helmsman will still go about his nasty ways when he’s back on Threnghelleon, but will be more judicious about who he kills and how. He’s also resolved to try and repair his relationship with his daughter Enyion, and hopefully heal Veth-Rawn. He has no intention, however, to try and re-initiate a romantic relationship with Ethem-Awnrah, though he still kinda loves her. He knows he FUBAR’d that one.

Why You Love Them: I enjoy villains! His ferocity is cathartic and entertaining and challenging to to the PCs. I genuinely wasn’t sure if he was going to be alive or not by the end of our game. Sometimes it’s fun to just have a downright fucker in the mix. I also like his design, which while not THE most inspired, is a lot of fun to draw. The Helmsman was the first of the Gods that I designed, with Ethem-Cailo being second. Also an internet stranger said he was hot once.

[permian-tropos]

here’s a philosophy ramble I did, starting broad and ending on the Discourse. read if you’re feeling thinky

the belief that bad people deserve to suffer often makes people who are suffering think, or even wish, that they are bad. deserved suffering, even your own, is more palatable and comforting than undeserved suffering. participating in something that is Right feels good.

(we could stop right there and reconsider a lot of societal norms from that alone. but I kept going)

it’s comforting to believe there are many moral propositions (X is right/wrong) that combined with another proposition (wrongness earns suffering) then entail (if A, then B) one specific moral proposition (suffering is sometimes right). moral conviction can be about justifying suffering to your brain, which wants to follow instincts and feel good.

we learn what suffering is as newborns, it is Thing We Don’t Want. but growing up has us learning that some things we don’t want are still necessary. being hungry can be necessary. being cold. being alone.

but why? why are there good things in our existence that require suffering? surely good = not-suffering? we are born with the instinct to avoid suffering, so how do we train ourselves to override that instinct?

it might work (a bit crudely) to believe that we are all a little bit bad, and because of that we are doing a Right thing each time we suffer. and people have the desire to participate in communally right things, not just individually right ones. we don’t know exactly what badness we’re paying for by breaking an arm, or having a pet die, or working a dull job. but if we have empathy, we subconsciously feel that suffering is shared. and so, perhaps, the debt.

alternatives to the debt (aka life is sin) model of justified suffering:

- suffering makes you better, so it is Right

- suffering gives you moral authority over the causes/perpetrators, which gives you intrinsic value, so it is Right

- suffering helps you relate to other people and form bonds, so it is Right

- suffering improves your appreciation of positive emotions, so it is Right

but is there anyone on the planet who can truly live with the full ramifications of

- suffering, or a certain degree of extreme suffering, cannot in any way be Right

because if you’ve suffered to a huge degree, you cannot Un-Suffer. you can repress memories or try not to suffer again, but everything we are aware of having suffered leaves an imprint on us. if there is an experience that is so painful it should never exist, then the person with memories of that experience has contained within them something that should not exist -- or a thing (the memory) that can only be created by something that should not exist (the event/experience). and the urge is to destroy it. to erase it from existence.

those who advocate for people’s right to end their own lives usually do so on the basis that some forms of suffering are intolerably wrong, and it can be someone’s prerogative to end that suffering, especially if you respect their life as not belonging to anyone else, and their faculties as sound. 

but we don’t want all suffering to mean we should cease existing. even very extreme suffering. particularly suffering that persists as trauma, as a memory, not as a sustained immediate experience. so how do we make a framework for seeing many forms of suffering as something to avoid at all costs/be deeply morally averse to causing, but something we could still endure the effects of?

here’s an idea about fiction: if you read a story about someone, say, being tortured, and empathize with them, you form a pretend memory of being tortured. it won’t be very accurate, and it might be fleeting, but it is still imitating a real traumatic memory that could exist. not only is it less harmful to you or others than a real memory, it is also created by something -- a story -- that is not so bad it should never exist. it has a justifiable existence. 

this reassures people with and without real memories of such intense pain that memories of such pain can (in a way) justifiably exist without something intolerably wrong happening. if you have trauma -- your trauma is not Wrong in itself, even if the experience that caused it should not have happened. if you don’t have trauma, or you do and don’t want more, you don’t have to live in paralyzing dread, because your mind accepts the rationale that a Wrong thing (traumatic experience), if it happens, can pass and a Right/Acceptable thing not exclusively linked to it (memories) can take its place. it’s a kind of misdirection. we play with false memories and show our minds how we can enjoy them and discard them, how they don’t leave scars. even if we know the real thing would have a much worse effect, we are comforted nonetheless. 

I think this is what the model of catharsis through tragic fiction is about. it is cathartic to see simulations of suffering that, on an individual level, have no moral justification for existing in reality. 

and this is why placing heavy emphasis on suffering being deserved through immorality, leads to the demand for morally pure fiction. if people become comfortable with simulacra of suffering (memories, fiction), they can live with the possibility of suffering in their own life. but if you believe that suffering is a result of some Badness being done, then someone who is not afraid of suffering is not afraid of being bad, or letting other people be bad. ie. someone who is not afraid to suffer appears unafraid of causing/allowing suffering in others. 

but suffering is not only the result of Badness. particularly, there is no just society that could do away with grief over loss. people have a psychological need to accept the inevitability of suffering that cannot be considered deserved (because you were bad) or undeserved (because someone else was bad and others did not stop them). 

engaging with fictional depictions of suffering can always be justified, then, if there is a universal need to prepare for one intense form of suffering most people know they will face even in a perfect world -- when your childhood caretakers die. and then, as you age -- when friends and peers die. 

I wonder, when it comes to tumblr discourse, if in addition to immaturity or a moral framework of retributive justice, certain experiences of marginalization make suffering seem only to be a product of injustice. no pain is acceptable, all pain is abuse from individuals or society. and loss of caretakers could be a relief, and loss of friends/peers should not be inevitable and acceptable. 

whatever the reason, when you expect a major suffering-causing incident in your life will be Wrong, something that should not have happened, that should have been prevented, then you don’t prepare to accept suffering. you prepare to refuse it, to escape it, to prevent it. so dark, tragic fiction seems to be a threat to your iron defenses. if people don’t see it as wrong, then the pain-traces, catharses, simulacra, are also not wrong. and if pain-traces are okay, if people know they can live with them and even enjoy them, people’s vigilance against future suffering might lessen. 

ie. -- if you let people ship that nasty thing, people might not be vigilant against the possibility of a relationship like that happening to them for real. they will let their guard down. they are inuring themselves to the pain. they will think it’s a tolerable suffering when Boy does Bad Boy Thing and it hurts their feelings or scares them or harms them. 

my response: people might not be inuring themselves to the particular pain being depicted. people can always be inuring themselves to The Universal Pain, loss, as well as other pains in their life they might not see as caused by something Wrong, or they might be trying to separate memories of pain from an intolerably Wrong experience, so that being a person who has pain-traces is an acceptable existence, not an existence marred by Wrongness. they might approach this inoculation from many angles, whatever suits their personality and aesthetic tastes. there isn’t even a direct correlation between the identity and intensity of what a simulacrum (eg. a story about Bad Boy) depicts (fear/danger in a romantic relationship) and what it is inoculating against (perhaps -- feeling powerless reading about war and violence in the news all the time, or expecting to outlive one’s dog or cat, or something else you couldn’t immediately draw a connection to unless you understand that person’s psyche).  

and at the end of the day everyone does have to face deeply agonizing pain caused by something good -- your love, your life, your humanity, the passage of time. not all pain is caused by, or earned through, evil. 

let people get their suffering vaccines. it is presumptuous to take people’s engagement with fiction literally, as if fiction is a flat mirror of reality and not a warped, tinted, fluid, rippling reflective surface. and deeply immature -- though there’s nothing intrinsically wrong with being immature -- to believe that good and moral things could never hurt you. they do, they will. 

[savagereader]

Review of “The Body”

The decision to review this particular episode of this particular show at this point in my life was an intensely personal one for me. “The Body” aired almost exactly 20 years ago, and I have seen the episode several times since it aired while watching and re-watching through Buffy the Vampire Slayer as a teen and as an adult. Every time I would see that it was the next episode coming up during a re-watch I would steel myself for the emotions I knew were coming. Today was different. Today I watched “The Body” again for the first time since my mother died six months ago. The decision to write about this experience was an uncomfortable one. Sharing such painful, personal, feelings is difficult. However I believe that it is also necessary because “The Body” is one of the most accurate depictions of the loss of a loved one I have ever seen. In the weeks after my mother died, this episode of Buffy would frequently occur to me as I worked through my spiraling emotions and what came next in my life and in my dad’s life because of how painfully accurate it was. “The Body” begins with Buffy coming home, calling out a greeting to her mother Joyce, and asking if she needs her to go pick up her sister Dawn from school. Her mother doesn’t answer. Upon looking around the corner, Buffy finds her mother lying awkwardly on the couch with her eyes open. She’s not breathing. It goes on to depict Buffy’s experiences in processing this completely un-supernatural death. Joyce’s death on the show is the first in 5 seasons to be a result of natural causes. There is no musical score in this episode (outside of the opening song), no orchestra to highlight the depths of Buffy’s horror to find her mother lifeless on the couch upon coming home, no bass to depict ominous warnings as we watch Buffy come into her 14-year-old sister Dawn’s art class and having a word with the teacher before telling Dawn she needs to talk to her. There is no musical distraction to tell you as a viewer that it is okay, because it’s clearly not real. It feels real. You feel like you are seeing a deeply personal moment. You are Dawn’s art class watching at the window as she struggles to accept what Buffy is telling her. For me however, the most poignant and exceptional aspect of “The Body” is the reaction of each of the main characters to the death of Buffy’s mother, Joyce, and how I could relate each reaction to my own experience. I was Buffy staring in bewilderment at the chest and mouth at her eye level of the paramedic speaking to her, hearing the words “your mother is dead.” I was Dawn, unable to believe that what I was being told was true, sure that someone was wrong. I was Willow, changing clothes over and over because nothing seemed right and wanting to wear something my loved one liked and trying to take care of others. I was Anya, unable to understand how and why death happens and how in the absence of life our body is an empty shell. I was Xander wanting something to blame and not finding anything because it just happens. Finally, I am Tara, telling Buffy that when my own mother died I had “thoughts and reactions I had that…I couldn’t…understand…or even try to explain to anyone else. Thoughts that…made me feel like I was losing it…or, like I was some kind of horrible person. I know it’s different for you…because it’s always different.” That is what I feel is so powerful about this piece of television. It is different for everyone. My mother didn’t die from an aneurysm in her living room like Joyce did. I didn’t find her there. I don’t have a sibling. But even so, the grief and the pain of that loss – whoever it is - is universal. Teens feel grief and loss the same way adults do, and I found watching this, although painful, to be cathartic and I think teens experiencing loss or grief in their lives would too. Whedon, Joss. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season Season 5 Episode 16, episode The Body, The WB, 27 Feb. 2001. Nebula Awards – Best Script