#something smells weird. what's that
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(almost) 1 week on T update!!
i wasn't expecting to feel ANYTHING yet but already my throat feels SUPER weird (it's not painful, it's just. tight?? i sound like i'm at the start of a cold)
my skin feels oilier than usual, sort of like it does in the evening right before i wash my face, and i'm also just. very very aware of the smell of my sweat for the first time
#ramble#boy juice#this morning i woke up and i was like#something smells weird. what's that#then i was like 'OH NO IT'S Y O U'#also a weirder thing is every now and then i'll get this mild spiking headache#which i found out is specifically from testogel and eventually it goes away#but still#wack#i forgot that my body is literally rewriting itself and it isn't always nice
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Experimentation (Patreon)
#Doodles#UT#Handplates#Sans#Papyrus#Continuing the theme of memories and what Gaster ruined for them haha#He doesn't even have to be here and he's making their lives harder! Par for the course#Lots of things have the potential to trigger their memories - a familiar smell or a food they recognize#But there were so many things they never experienced and sifting between them is very difficult!#Especially considering most of what they ''remember'' is actually just their Reaction to Something - like the smoke smell making them tense#Sans here getting a Reaction for sure tho - being questioned and experimented on does Not feel good#It's Papyrus doing it so that's one thing but even still - not having fun with this#Papyrus is so curious! He wants to know! He always seems to be a bit left out on finding things out haha#Sans being the more science-minded of the two probably has an impact there - ask your brother he'll help figure it out#Unless he really doesn't want to because it feels weird please stop (lol)#Still tho being asked to eat things as an experiment? ''oh hey bro maybe going to grillby's will remind me of something'' ''SANS'' lol#Papyrus didn't mean anything by continuing to ask questions he's just curious!#Sans goes to write down the results and then feels Even Worse so scribbles them out#''don't tell me what to do!'' directed nowhere in particular#Tries really hard to put it out of him mind A Lot#This remembering business sure is uncomfortable!#Look what you did Gaster you took a perfectly fun data-gathering session and turned it into something they'll need therapy for!
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im so sick of the way being a "picky eater" is treated. stop forcing kids to eat foods they can't stand- all it does is ensure that they'll likely NEVER try that food as an adult. its not being a spoiled brat, its having an aversion to certain sensations, and witholding food until they eat what you want them to is fucked up. would you want someone to force you to eat something you didn't like?
#ive always been considered a picky eater#and to my parents credit they didnt force me to eat things they didnt like#partially bc they had to deal with that and didnt want to force that onto their kids#and yknow what? i didnt end up malnourished! surprise surprise!#sure my diet isnt 100% healthy but whose is??#its not like i didnt try certain foods because i was being deliberately bratty#i just have a strong aversion to certain smells and will not try foods if they smell weird to me#and some foods have a texture that will make me gag until i throw up!#strongarming your child will most likely result in them refusing to eat ANYTHING#and its always better to have them eat SOMETHING than force them to go hungry!!#childhood is an important developmental time and they NEED to eat#sorry im just so tired of constantly seeing stupid bullshit posts on facebook about picky eaters#tibtalks
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every few months I'll read something that makes me utterly terrified that I have diabetes and then have to spend hours telling myself that if I did I would have actual symptoms
#I have one(1) pitted fingernail which I think is like that bc I damaged it pretty badly a few years ago#but the internet says that pitted nails are a sign of diabetes so panic mode activated#and this might be TMI but I'm like... oh does my pee smell weird? what's it supposed to smell like??#like bitch let it goooo if there was something wrong with you you'd know!!!!#bitch being my hypochondria of course#👍#this is my diary now :)
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Is it weird to say that some smells can bring you comfort? Because her’s does.
#sitting in her desk chair and her jacket is on it and there’s something about the way the smell of her makes me happy#just comfort and knowing that despite the uncertainty of work currently she’s got me and they’ve got me no matter what#weird all you can get just from a smell#L is on one lol#such love and admiration for all the people I work with but especially her#fuck I’m going to miss this#I hope I won’t have to
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the biggest thing about X6 is not that he doesn't think of himself as human (though he doesn't, and according to some it's correct) BUT that he doesn't see himself as a Person
#searching through the X6-88 tag on tumblr has not brought me joy#also. 1 thing about is that i hate hate hate the (i think) canon blue eyes he has. like. for fucking what#1st i saw them on tumblr and thought 'well thats stupid. whyd you give him blue eyes? so hed look special? thats weird. at least its uncanon#also. on god. i saw some post headcanoning the companions' appearances and it was p cool UNTIL they got to x6#and they gave him grey 'almost white' eyes for literally no reason. like if you want to go with the scary factor theres so many ways for it#but no. some people think that blue/grey eyes are sooo special. and for what#<- i have brown eyes but im not just being salty. it really sucks. i dont wanna be the one to call fandom racism but it does smell like it!#also like. i didnt want to go on a stupid tirade about racism in the tags again but the way fandom treats x6 AND preston is just upsetting#other people have made some very good points about it and im not going to repeat them here (also noones gonna read this)#but like... theres 3 'main' black characters that i remember: preston garvey (whom the stron majority of the fandom hates/disliked)#x6-88 (basically the players slave? also hated for being mean and unfeeling (which is justified imo). no quest no freedom no nothing)#and gloria (who i havent met in game but ive heard some actual criticisms of (like. the way shes treated ingame) and noone else talks about)#if theres any other Named and Important characters. sorry but i literally do not remember them#coming back to x6 being justified in being unemotional/mean. he was literally raised this way. he doesnt consider himself to be a person#being he was made that way. he is a Thing and hes meant for one job and hes made to inspire fear#and hes not supposed to have emotions so he just. doesnt. if he does he cant express them anyways#1 if fallout4 was a better written game (or 2 if x6 was white) i think thered be SO much fanfiction about him. the possibilities are endless#i have something brewing in the back of my head. i might start writing even though i suck and its going to be bad#ANYWAYS. general fandom thought on x6 are WRONG and im being a HATER. fuck everyone who doesn't like x6. if you dont like x6 get off tumblr#especially if you like gage but not x6. leave fr#i just woke up wtf am i doingggg
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Okay, let's finish this one
#i think im scared... was thinking about stuff and... its scary...#for now i have to do this and that tomorrow...#my head still hurts where i hit it...#actually if we do what we have to do tomorrow we can have a self care day lets do something nice for ourselves for once#if anyone's reading this im sorry i always jump subjects like that. my mind works in weird ways#also i have this small bottle of body glitter and it smells nice and sometimes i just put it on my arms or my leg because i can#seari talks#come on seari we got this lets focus on the task at hand
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this mostly happens on tiktok but i feel like im actually going insane whenever i see people say things like "if you think gortash is hot, you're lying to yourself". besides just the fact attractiveness is subjective and whatever, gortash is literally Just A Guy. like there is nothing uniquely physically unattractive about him. he just looks like a regular 40-something guy that is a little emo.
#enver gortash#gortash#i also get annoyed about the handsome younger man jokes at this point tbh LMAO like i dont care bro. he is handsome. to me.#also i did specify the physical part because personality wise yeah he's the worst LMAO#but thats not what we're talking about here#i also think the 'he looks like he smells bad' has gotten to a weird point but yknow.#im not just making up something to make a post abt it btw this is something ive actually seen said multiple times on tiktok lol#and every time theres a video about it theres a bunch of comments agreeing about him being sooo ugly or whatever
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forest makes my heart hurt. like bad.
#i need to stop talking#anyone fw my weird personal posts#cuz i dont#abbie is yapping#i dont know why i feed on emotion theres a stomach inside my brain i dont want to be heard i want to be listened to#does it bother anyone else that someone else had your name does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name#i scream you scream we all scream cause we're terrified of what's around the corner#we stay in place cause we dont want to lose our lives so let's think of something better#down in the forest we'll sing a chorus one that everybldy knows hands held higher we'll be on fire singing songs that nobody wrote#my brain has given up white flags are hoisted i took some food for thought it might be poisoned the stomach in my brain throws up on to the#page#does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name does it bother anyone else that someone else has your name#i scream you scream we all scream cuz we're terrified of what's around the corner#we stay in place cause we dont want to lost our lives so let's think of something better#down in the forest we'll sing a chorus one that everybody knows hands held higher we'll be on fire singing songs that nobody wrote#quickly moving towards a storm moving forward torn into pieces over reasons of what these storms are for#i dont understand why everything i adore takes a different form when i squint my eyes#have you ever done that when you squint your eyes and your eyelashes make it look a little not right#and then when just enough light comes from the right side and you find you're not who you're supposed to be?#this is not what you're supposed be please remember me i am supposed to be#king of a kingdom or swinging on a swing something happened to my imagination#this situation's becoming dire my treehouse is on fire and for some reason i smell gas on my hands#this is not what i had planned this is not what i had planned#down in the forest we'll sing a chorus one that everybody knows hands held higher we'll be on fire singing songs that nobody wrotee#down in the forest we'll sing a chorus one that everybody knows#hands held higher we'll be on fire singing songs that nobody wrote#hands held higher we'll be on fire#this damn song. pulls at my heartstrings every time
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if the only way you know how to criticize my handling of Lea is to somehow blame Merry and also Trans Women™️ as a whole then i’m going to be honest: your criticisms are not going to be the ones i listen to. it’s very strange to me now that both times i’ve had people specifically bring up Merry when talking about Lea and also follow it up with, and i quote: “people only care about trans women.” this monolithic Trans Women you keep blaming has nothing to do with the decisions i’ve made about Lea, and i’m begging you to think for like 2 seconds and realize what you are saying and how you sound right now. i’m not even trying to change your mind or your feelings regarding Lea, that conversation has been had many times over at this point, but you have got to stop blaming trans women for.... being more oppressed than you ? come on
#transmisogyny#i'm always open to discussing things i could do better but if you do this it's an immediate No from me#smells like MRA shit for real#there is no reason for it and yet both times people have found a way to weasel in awful comments about trans women#it's gross and unnecessary#and immediately makes me recoil#this is not a 'competition' and it's weird that you think it is#this isn't an invitation to debate either btw this is just a PSA lmfao#cus again. Weird that it's happened both times now#and i never really know how to respond to it#if you want to blame someone then blame me. the person who Wrote the character that way#and again there are many posts on this blog where i discuss lea and all of the characters and why i do what i do with them#so im not interested in having the discussion again and im sure you all arent either lmfao#but i really dont like this attitude some people seem to come away with which is. 'blame trans women' ???#like why would you say that. why would you feel that way. it's a bit weird innit?#and are the trans women in the room with us right now???#anyways. just something to think about before you send me weird transphobic rants about hating lea and merry and trans women#and feminine transmasc people. and perhaps next time just Do Not send me that#personal
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Locked up in my office experiencing tremendous body aches which are probably weather/period related but also if I have the fucking ick I'm going to freak out
#ya girl#sinuses fine no cough sense of smell fine.#but jesus christ everything hurts#i also had a terrible experience this weekend where i tensed up my arm weird and as a result#my entire left side went up in a massive charlie horse that did not go away for like five entire minutes which sounds not that bad#but it was so intense i couldnt speak and broke out in a full body sweat and ollie was gonna take me to the er#so. whats the deal with that#idk man i think i gotta go to pt or something my shit is fucked#im literally not even old. im a youth and i never did sports so pray fucking tell
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Dr. ZEXenstein (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#ZEX#The Captain#DAX#I made this before Halloween so it was appropriately spooky at the time of creation! I swear!!#I have a favourite Frankenstein: The Musical animatic that occasionally goes through the rotation but it was still a surprise to crossover#But you know how it goes - at first it's just a fun initial silly/spooky idea and then my brain clicks back on and Oh No This Is A Thing lol#But for now! Silliness!#I'm still really enamoured with the idea of ZEX as a warrior and a scholar - very Thucydides y'know ♪#His extremely brilliant tactical mind needs puzzles! And I mean with all this free time on Cerenkov and given the right Ingredients#He'd certainly have the motivation to try and figure out the trick to life maybe-very-specifically-about-humans lol#It does raise the question of what a ''human'' made by a VUX might be like ♪ Yes he's a reanimated corpse(s) but like#Surely even with all his research - at the very least something /could/ have gotten lost in translation :)#Maybe even just the inherent Thing of humanness - the soul or respect of the dead? Like swearing in another language if you know what I mean#It's interesting :) I mean it's interesting either way haha it's a fun concept!#Especially with Frankenstein specifically since y'know - the creature's whole Thing of why he Came Out Wrong was mostly on Victor!#He rejected and abandoned his ''child'' - of course he's gonna have some emotional issues Victor!#ZEX tho - ZEX has no reason to abandon a human(oid) especially one he intentionally went about bringing about!#So his eyes are a little weird - so he's got some odd stitches and he moves strangely and smells a bit - how different is that from humans?#All humans are monstrous! What's a few extra details? ZEX is already a xenophile and a teratophile is what I'm saying lol#DAX on the other hand is not convinced lol ♪ Drawing his head tendrils change expressions so fast was fun haha#As was drawing the Captain all stitched and with the bolts! Yes yes they're movie addition shhh all art is scaffolded over time#The real question is where ZEX got all the parts from - is that the Captain for realsies?#Or a fun role fill-in ''What if ZEX made a human and it was the Captain [before the Captain would've existed anyway]?''#It could go either way! It'd be sad if ZEX lost his Captain and then tried to bring him back :')#But then again the alternative is him like........harvesting? (Off the battlefield? Ew lol)#Oh yeah and do you like the broken-off head tendril as a stand-in for Victor's whitening hair lol#I imagine it went necrotic and wasn't quite fully reaccepted - it's still full of blood and healthy but the skin is faded and pale hehehe
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...😫
#so i called my landlord the other day about the cannabis smell#and he called the police to ask what to do when the smell comes in strong#and he was told that i should call the police (so basically the emergency number) when that happens#and they'd send the police to inspect the situation _while_ the smell is still strong#but i'm too much of a wussy because i'm scared they'll get angry at me for calling them about something like this 😭#because i made the mistake of reading some bulletin board discussions again and they were all like 'nah the police have better stuff to do'#and anyway now i've also started doubting myself because whenver the smell comes (which is still pretty much every single night)#i'm first like ewwwww that's definitely cannabis#but then when i try to brace myself for actually calling the police i'm like 'but what if it's not and i'm overreacting'#because the more i try to smell it to become 100% sure it's cannabis the more vague the smell becomes :S#i also already had a weird dream about the neighbour i think it is bullying me bc they somehow found out i had called the cops on them 😥#so yeah i guess i'll just move out instead :)#or sit in my apartment with all the doors closed every fucking night
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texturess
#look at those straps#how do you think it smells#amazingly inconvenient to try to have sex in that#if i knew who to ask for a commission........................#............and what to ask for#i'll learn to paint i'll paint it myself#okay time for bed#i could write this actually#like thats how i got in the science museumin the first place the doctor was doing smth fucking weird again and#yaz was like 'honestly cant you just take me for a date. like. a museum or smth. like something normal'#yaz: a museum. something normal#the fic: sex in the apollo module#yaz: ................what did i expect
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Man what the fuck was i dreaming about last night
#my head is being all weird today. idk what set this up#red rambles#i know there was something about escaping down an elevator shaft and i kept going back to sleep because i was curious what else was happenin#... something about being hunted by a mind-reader on special dispensation from an authority of some sort who could 'smell' your thoughts at#some sort of institutional boarding school you weren't legally allowed to leave? being investigated for terrorism???? Or something????#ok that would explain why I'm acting like I expect things to abruptly go wrong
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grief is such a weird emotion bc i can be fine most of the time even if it think about it, but then sometimes thinking about it digs it up all over again
#in regards both to my cat and my grandma though i was mostly thinking about my grandma when i wrote this#i was fine the next day after she died bc like. it was expected. she was in hospice for several months#and a nurse had been staying with her 24/7 for the last 2 days. the nurse told us it probably wouldnt be long on the last day.#we knew it was coming so i didnt feel too bad right after it happened. it was only when the mortician showed up that it sunk in#but the next day i was fine. if she got brought up in conversation id get a bit sad but i was mostly fine after that day#and its been. like. a little more than 3 months since then#i havent been thinking about it much but idk. sometimes it just pops into your head and you get reminded that she isnt here anymore#sometimes i still feel like shes still there when i walk into that room. it still partially smells the same#i turn on the light and feel like im somewhere im not supposed to be until i realize that we cleared out her stuff months ato#you wouldnt know that someone was bedridden and in hospice in there just from looking at it#but sometimes i just get that mental image of her being in there. or when she was in a nursing facility for a time and mostly normal#when we thought she was just almost septic and not nearing the end#the stupid doorbell we had her ring when she needed something that made us all jump whenever we heard a similar sound#the fact that the last blanket she ever started crocheting is still in that room and never finished#her rocking chair that has been sitting empty for probably over a year now#the haunted lamp in what used to be her bedroom pre-hospice that keeps turning on#the fact that her cars no longer in the driveway#idk. thinking about it doesnt like. actively make me cry or anything. but it is like. a lurking feeling#like ive been aware and fine with the fact that shes gone. and has been gone#but sometimes i really... remember that shes gone#i still forget that its like. a permanent thing and that shes not just in the hospital again#i wouldnt say i feel too much grief about her dying. i feel more about my cat that died 8 years ago.#but it is a weird feeling to recognize. maybe i only felt sadder about my cat bc (to me) it was unexpected#idk.
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