#something something. grew up in a hockey city in canada. anyway whatever.

[lowrylesbian]

i was going to say « not to be a hater » but actually i love to be a hater. nolan patrick (?) misogyny burner account twitter discourse is really making me go huh. some of yall don’t know jack about hockey culture. sometimes i forget that there’s so many hockey lovers who didn’t grow up around Hockey Guys tm and sometimes i forget just how different of a perspective i (lesbian who grew up with hockey guys) have from some people

[puckinghell]

realized i made a typo 😂 : “i don’t think anyone could love you the way I do” + markstrom 🥰

You’ve known Jacob forever.

That’s not even an overstatement. He knows the house you grew up in, used to walk right in without knocking. He knows the names of all of your best friends and he knows how tough your relationship with your dad is.

There’s nothing he doesn’t know about you, and you didn’t think you’d ever have to explain anything to him.

Except apparently you do.

You’re in your apartment in Vancouver, sitting on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand. Jacob is lying on the floor, playing with your dog.

“I just don’t get it,” you whine, tracing your finger over the stem of the glass in your hand. “I really thought he was a good guy.”

“You think that about everyone,” Jacob hums. “You look for the good in people. And sometimes that comes back to bite you in the ass.”

You sigh. You know he’s right, but that doesn’t mean you like to hear it.

“I don’t even know why I’m crying,” you sniffle, using your hand to wipe away some of the tears that are still welling up in your eyes. “I didn’t even like him that much.”

Jacob sits up, now. His eyes are fixed on you a little too intently, and it’s making you shuffle in your seat.

You didn’t even like that guy that much because you’re way too busy being head over heels in love with your best friend. But you can’t tell him that.

“You’re crying because you’re disappointed that another one of your dating endeavours didn’t work out.” Jacob’s voice is gentle, probably because he knows you don’t really want to hear this truth. He’ll tell you, anyway: he always does.

That’s something you appreciate about him.

It’s so familiar, to have Jacob on the floor of your living room, talking about the things that make you cry. You remember how it used to be when you were little, in Sweden. Him laying on the floor in your bedroom, you complaining about whatever boy broke your heart.

You don’t even remember their names, now, but you remember the feeling you got during those nights. How you felt completely safe. How you knew you’d be alright, because you had Jacob and you knew he would always be there.

You remember how he used to spend hours talking to your mom. How he fell in love with other people but always ended up back with you.

You remember him telling you he needed to go to Canada. How easy it was to decide to go with him.

“I’ve always liked the idea of Canada,” you told him, but it wasn’t true. You didn’t really care about Canada, back then. But you knew you wouldn’t wanna be in a country that Jacob wasn’t in.

God, you could use a change of scenery, now. Everything in Vancouver has been suffocating you, like walls closing in. You can’t even remember the last time you went home to Sweden.

“Do you ever just wanna get out?” you ask him, letting your head fall back and staring up at the ceiling. “Out of Vancouver, I mean. Just go to a forest somewhere and sleep in the back of a pickup truck.”

Jacob laughs. “Not necessarily,” he hums. “But if you want that, I’ll go with you.”

“Really?” You lift your head, eyes locking with his once again. There’s nothing but honesty written in them. “You’d go with me?”

“I’d go anywhere with you,” Jacob answers, and a frown etches itself into his forehead. “I’d do anything for you. You still don’t know that?”

You feel the blush creeping onto your cheeks. “Surely not anything,” you mutter, redirecting your gaze because it’s too hard to look at him right now. His eyes are too intent, like he’s staring straight through your soul: and there’s so many things for him to find there if he looks for them.

“This is ridiculous,” Jacob says, a little forcefully, and something heavy sinks into your stomach.

Did you piss him off? Your best friend, who never gets mad at you?

“Y/N.” But no, his voice is soft when he speaks your name. There’s a shuffling noise and suddenly he’s in front of you, hands reaching for yours. “I’m so familiar by now that you don’t even notice, but I think it’s time you get to know this.”

“What?” you ask. You stare at your fingers, entangled with his. Your hand fits there like it was meant to be.

“If you wanted to go to the moon, I’d jump on a plane in the middle of the playoffs.”

It’s such a ridiculous sentence that you laugh. “You would not. And there’s no plane to the moon.”

“I’d make one.” Jacob is smiling: you can’t see it, with your gaze fixed on your lap, but you can hear it in his voice. “I’m serious. If you asked me to, I would sell all my hockey equipment. I’d never walk into another bar. Burn all the tattoos off my arms.”

You almost laugh: you remember when your dad told Jacob he wasn’t allowed to date you now that he has all those tattoos. You smacked him, because you weren’t dating, and you couldn’t allow yourself to think about that because it hurts to want things that you would never have.

“Once she decides she wants me to, sir, I’ll burn them all off,” Jacob had joked, knowing that your dad loved him anyway, and they’d laughed and stood at the grill the rest of the night.

You almost laugh, but you don’t, because there’s something else burning in the back of your throat.

He couldn’t mean this the way you want him to, right?

“So if you say you want to leave this city tonight, let’s do it. I’ll sleep in the back of some beat up car. And if we’re halfway there and you change your mind, that’s cool. We’ll just go back.” He squeezes your hand. “I’ll do anything for you, and I’ll spend the rest of my life proving it.”

His voice is filled with truth, and fondness, and you finally allow yourself to look up at him. His eyes are gentle, a careful smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“You spend all your time moping over guys who aren’t worth your energy, and for what reason? I don’t think anyone could love you the way that I do.”

And there’s really no way to misinterpret this. Not when you know him like this, know every musical tilt to his voice and every crinkle around his eyes.

“I love you, too,” you say, and when he kisses you, you think maybe it was worth waiting for all this time.

[serenitysage89]

Twilight Fan Fiction

I realize that this may be a few years too late but they say that “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou

So here is a completely re-imagined version of the Twilight by me... Hope you enjoy.

CHAPTER 1

My name is Serenity, I am 15 years old and I live in Vancouver, Canada. A city with a population of over 675 thousand people. It is described as a bustling west coast seaport located in “Beautiful British Columbia” - it is also among Canada’s densest, most ethnically diverse cities with one of the largest Asian populations outside of Asia… If you have ever been there, you know what I mean. I myself am biracial. My dad is German, a tall man with an athletic build, completed by the stereotypical blonde hair and blue eyes. My mother is Filipino, a very short and petite lady with beautiful dark brown skin, brown eyes and thick, jet black, pin straight hair. They are in their early forties, but both look much younger, especially my mom. We would often be mistaken for sisters when we were out together.

It’s the end of June and I am so happy my first year of high school is over. Grade 10 may have been the worst school year yet for me. You see, for as long as I can remember, I was always the shy, quiet type. I had a really hard time making friends, so I was pretty much labelled an outcast at school and ended up spending most of my time alone. My twin brother, Liam, however… well, he was the complete opposite of me; outgoing and popular. Like my dad, he was tall (5’10 and still growing) with an athletic build, sun kissed bronze skin, blue eyes and dark hair - I was just his shadow. The only time people would even bother talking to me, was to ask me about him – girls would ask me if he was single, teachers would ask me where he was, if he missed a day at school, his friends would ask me if he was busy that weekend, etc.

Even though we grew up the exact same way, we turned out so differently. Liam still plays sports; right now, he plays hockey, and everyone is sure that he is destined to play for the NHL someday. He is also part of our high schools’ football team and just an all-around great athlete, who excels in whatever he puts his mind to. I used to play volleyball and basketball (despite my short stature), but I no longer play for any leagues or school teams because I just don’t fit in with the rest of the girls. My brother and I did gymnastics growing up, as well as various forms of dance. We also took piano, guitar and voice lessons from a very young age, because our parents believed that doing sports would help get some of that extra energy out and playing instruments and singing would help us with our confidence growing up. Both of us now have our Piano level 8 and have mastered the guitar (as much as we really need to, for what we use it for). Our parents paid attention to both of us equally, they are both very encouraging and cheer us on in everything we do, they are literally our biggest fans; but somehow, as Liam and I got older, my brother became more confident and I just didn’t (for whatever reason). He enjoyed the thrill of performing for big crowds and relished the attention he received. I always got nervous when I had to perform, almost to the point of throwing up. It seemed as though my parents plan to instill confidence in us through these types of activities failed… well, at least for me.

Despite all this though, my brother and I have always been super close, he is always there for me when I need someone to talk or vent to – he is my best friend… and right now, my only friend for that matter. Because of this, my parents are constantly worried about me; they want nothing more than for me to make some friends of my own. Liam obviously has lots of friends and a busy social life, so he isn’t always around to keep me company. Personally, I don’t know what all the fuss is about – having all this time to myself is glorious. I am able to teach myself new skills and languages, while still having time to enhance my existing skills of playing instruments and singing. Writing and singing songs has become a way for me to express myself, but I only do these things behind closed doors, as I am way too embarrassed to perform in front of anyone, including my own family. (Liam on the other hand has his own YouTube channel doing cover songs and the odd original song I write for him. I usually just do back-up vocals and music in the background, outside of the camera’s view). In my spare time, I have also managed to do a lot of extra schoolwork and am essentially already done most of my high school courses; I am pretty much ready to just skip the rest of high school and follow my dream of applying to some prestigious med school somewhere in Europe… I have wanted to be a doctor for as long as I can remember and since it takes such a long time, why not get a head start!? Besides, I was sure that I would make plenty of friends once I start saving people lives. Now I just had to spend part of my summer coming up with a plan to convince my parents to let me move to Europe… by myself, in order to pursue my goal of becoming a doctor… How hard could that be?!

One night we were eating supper, you could tell something was up because my parents could hardly contain their excitement… Liam and I looked at each other, shrugged and continued eating. Sure enough, after we had all finished, my mom told us that she and my dad had an announcement to make. We all sat at the dinner table while mom and dad argued about who was going to share the news – finally my mom agreed to be the one to tell us. “We are moving!” she yelled excitedly. Liam and I couldn’t believe our ears – we had lived in the same house all our lives – where were we moving? And why suddenly did my parents want to move? “We are moving to Forks, Washington” my dad chimed in, “I got a great job offer as the new chief of Police recently and your mom and I decided to jump at the opportunity. I think a fresh start in a nice, small town will be good for all of us.”

Well… I thought, I never liked Vancouver anyway and this may be the perfect opportunity for me to talk my parents into letting me move to Europe in order to pursue my dream. However, Liam was visibly upset; he had a great life here and “a lot more to lose” than anyone else in the family, so to speak. He got up and stormed off to his room. I quickly got up and followed him to make sure he was OK. I knocked on his door and he told me to come in. I sat on the edge of his bed and asked if he was alright. He looked at me and said that he was fine, but I knew he wasn’t. He was fighting back tears and seeing him this way broke my heart; when he hurt, I hurt too. I gave him a hug and told him not to worry, that no matter what happened, he was going to be fine because “you’re just so awesome”. We let go of each other and he cracked a slight smile at me. “What would I do without you” he said.

“Damnit”, I thought. Why did he have to say that? How am I supposed to move to Europe to pursue my dream of becoming a doctor, when for the first time in his life, my brother needs me? We talked for a while longer and decided that we would both make the best of this situation. My brother told me that this would be a great chance for me to “reinvent” myself – He said “no one in Forks knows us, so you could potentially become whoever you want to be” … I guess in a way he was right, but I wasn’t sure that it was going to be as easy as he thought it would be. Being introverted is not exactly a choice and trying to act extroverted was a difficult task for someone it didn’t come naturally to; but we promised each other that we would do our best and I wasn’t about to let him down on this promise.

We spent most of July packing all our belongings into a shipping container. My brother took some time out of his busy social life to take me shopping for a new wardrobe that would reflect the person I wanted to portray when we moved to Forks. He believed that if I dressed better, I would come off as more approachable and therefore had a better chance of making some friends. His theory definitely made sense but I wasn’t as thrilled about this experience as the rest of the family. I liked my dark coloured, baggy clothes and military style hats that hid my hair, but I went along with it, because it seemed to make him happy and take his mind off other things. Before I knew it, I had a closet full of trendier, more form fitting clothes like jeans and body-hugging shirts. My family thought it would be a good idea for me to donate all my old clothes to charity – I was hesitant about this at first, as these clothes were like my shield, but eventually I agreed to donate them. (I did, however, keep some of my favourite pieces I just couldn’t part with… without anyone knowing)..

.

.

Chapter 2 to follow...

Serenity and Liam arrive at their new home in Forks and Serenity makes her first friend... stay tuned for the deetz

[sc87confessions]

Christmas in California

As the holidays approached you made sure to finish as much Christmas shoppin as you could. Every year it seemed like you had to buy an additional present as your family was growin with more nieces and nephews, all your siblings were married except you, so you were the “cool aunt”. You weren’t sure whether to get Sid a present as you guys had only been datin for a few months however you preferred to be safe than sorry so you ended up gettin him a few small gifts. You felt like everythin was goin well between Sid and you, you guys haven’t argued much since the bar incident, just minor disagreements but you guys communicated well on it. For the first time in a while you felt as if Sid was the one for you, it terrified you due to the fact that the first and last time you felt that way about someone, they ended up cheatin on you. You were headin back home from the mall when you saw that Sid was callin you “Hey Sidney, what’s up?” “Not much baby, just got home from practice, you?” “Ughhh shoppin, thankfully done though” “Haha, it still surprises me that you’re not a big fan of shoppin” “I mean I like it but for like less than an hour ahahah” “Hey, anyway you can stop by, I would like to talk to you about something” he said more seriously Shhiitt what now? “Uhmm, yeah sure, everythin okay?” “Yeah, everything’s fine, it’s just something I prefer to talk to you in person” “Alright, well I’ll be there in a bit then” “Drive safe….bye” You were on your way to Sid’s when you called Jake a little panicked “DUDE, Sid wants me to go to his house to talk about somethin” “So?” “What in the world does he need to talk about that has to be in person, he’s probably gonna break up with me” “(Y/N) you’re crazy, I mean I don’t know what he wants to talk about but I’m sure it’s not that darlin” “I hope not, I’m tryin to remember if I did somethin wrong hahaha” “WOW haha well everythin is your fault, let me know how it goes, I’m here at Leila’s place” “I told you, you’d thank me about givin her your number one day Jake” “Uh huhhh” “Where’s my thank you?” “I’ll thank you when I know she doesn’t want me for what I do” “Jake, I love you but you’re crazy darlin haha, talk to you later bye, love you” “Love you too, good luck” You arrived at Sid’s and gave yourself two minutes to relax before you headed towards the door. You rang the doorbell as you heard the door open, Sid must’ve heard your truck. “Hey, come on in” he said as he gave you a kiss You were pretty exhausted from shoppin so you headed to his couch and got relaxed but you cut straight to it “So what did you wanna talk about in person?” you said as you tilted you head back on the pillow. “UHumm well, I noticed that I’ll actually be in LA for Christmas time, we play the Kings and Ducks too actually, so I know you’re spending it there too right?” “Yep, Thanksgivin with my sis and Christmas in SoCal” “Is your sister going there for Christmas too?” ​​​“Yeah she is actually, why?” “Well I wanted to see if you’d like to bring your family to the games?” “Like the entire family?” “Yes” “Sidney, there’s like four of us siblings, each one of my siblings are married, there’s a total of 5 kids, so it’s about 12 people we’re talkin about here” “So?” “You can get that many tickets?” “Of course, now here’s the more serious question, is it okay to spend Christmas with you guys?” Fuck that means he has to meet my family “If you’d like yeah you’re more than welcome to” “I want to meet your family, see where you come from, where you grew up” he said as he sat down next to you. “Are you sure you’re ready to meet them Sidney” “Of course, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t be telling you” “Jeez, Sid I thought I did somethin wrong” you said chucklin a bit “Really?” “Yeah when people say I wanna talk it’s usually not good haha” “Well, this time it is, plus I wanted to see if you wanted to come with me to get some dinner, I’m starving aha” he gave you a kiss and got up to get the keys. You guys had a nice quiet dinner at Panera and headed back home to watch a movie, you felt yourself fallin asleep when you knew it was best for you to go back home. You kissed Sid goodbye. On your way home, you kept thinkin about how your family would receive Sid, you knew they will like him but you still felt nervous about them meetin each other. What made you nervous was that Sid was gettin more serious in your relationship, which scared you a bit as you felt yourself fallin in love with him. The next day you got up and headed towards the gym with your buddies, you talked to them about it to get a feel on their perspective. All of them agreed that Sid was serious about your guy’s relationship. They were very happy that you had found someone to finally complement you in your life. As you head towards Dunkin Donuts you called your sis to let her know first about Sid wantin to spend Christmas with them, your family knew that you were datin someone, but they you hadn’t let them know if it was serious or not. Your sis was shocked at first and so was your mom when you told her that Sid wanted to meet them, they were mostly surprised that you yourself was okay with it. It was finally the day before Thanksgivin when you were on your way to the airport, Sid had left the day before for a two week long road trip in Canada. You guys had told each other to be safe and to have a great Thanksgivin. You were excited to see your sis and glad that you had a small distance flight as you weren’t a big fan of flying. Your sister and her family picked you up from the airport, your sis was the most excited to have you there for a holiday, even though you guys were about 15 years apart you were as close as ever. You helped cooked dinner, bakin your famous apple pie that your brother-in-law loved, as you two watched all the lovely football that was on. You were watchin the tv as you were mixin the dough for your pie. You could tell your sis wanted to talk about Sid when you got a text from him askin how you were doin. “So what did mom say when you told her about Sidney?” your sis asked curiously “She sounded excited, that she couldn’t wait to meet him and see how he is” “I’m excited to meet him too, he sounds like an amazin guy, I told you you’d find your prince charming” she said as you rolled your eyes but smiled. “He’s not my prince charmin, he’s my hockey prince with a big butt, like huge hahhaa” “Have you guys had sex?” she asked “Uhmm no, frankly I’m kind of scared too, you know it’s been a while plus I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet, like don’t get me wrong every time I see him I want to jump his bones hahaha but like I want to save that aspect for when we’re serious” you said honestly “That’s good, take your time, he seems like he’s respectin you in that and in what you do too” “Yeah his schedule’s always busy that’s why he understands mine” You spent another few days at your sister’s as you guys went hikin and fishin, you loved comin here to visit her because you always felt relaxed bein surrouned by nature. You enjoyed the country lifestyle but liked how she lived closer to a city as well. It was the best of both worlds but when you visited your sis, you enjoyed the countryside. When your plane landed you were lookin forward to seein two people, Sidney and your dog. You were goin to take her with you to SoCal so she can see your family again and you felt bad leavin her for more than three days. You were excited to see Sidney as you couldn’t wait to see what the plan’s were for Christmas but he wouldn’t be home for another week. You picked up overtime at work which was goin to help you financially, even though you didn’t need it but you also because you loved what you do. Jake was still in Texas visitin his family so it was you and your other coworker Casey patrollin around Pittsburgh. Casey had actually met a girl at one of the games, they had been datin for awhile as well, so it was nice to see him happy. “I think its funny how when the three of us met we were all single and now look at us” Casey said laughin “What was it that we said, none of us were goin to date because our life was too damn good haha” “And now we’re whipped” “uhM, speak for yourself on that one” “Bullshit” “Whatever” you said as you called Sid durin your lunch time When Sid answered, Casey made a whippin sound to make fun of you even more. You guys had a good convo with Sid tellin you about how he’d have to fly with the team and stay with them in California, which you were okay with as it was baby steps in Sid meetin your family. ​​​That week flew by with all the work that you had been doin, you knew that you weren’t goin to be home for Christmas but you were still in the mood to decorate the place as Jake was stayin here to meet Leila’s family. Sid had arrived from Canada and looked pretty chipper to be home and especially to be with you. You were both excited for Christmas in California.​​

[flauntpage]

DGB Grab Bag: The Ten Commandments of Replay Reviews and Challenges

Three stars of comedy

The third star: The Vancouver Whitecaps – They're the local MLS team, and they figured they could work a fun marketing tie-in with the city's NHL team.

Unfortunately, that team is the Canucks, and now that Brock Boeser is hurt they don't score anymore. That was kind of a problem, as the Whitecaps learned over the ensuing three hours.

Welp, indeed. Vancouver sports, everyone!

The second star: These two Wild fans – It's OK, they were distracted by the Canucks having scored a goal.

The first star: The Bruins/Hurricanes highlights – Carolina sportscaster Mark Armstrong is here to give you everything local hockey fans want to see, and literally nothing else.

Be It Resolved

Today, everyone hates instant replay challenges.

The offside reviews are tedious, nitpicky, and often appear to return the incorrect result. And right now, those are considered the good kind of review. The goaltender interference debacle is even worse. There's growing momentum to just get rid of them both, and leave replay review to the bare bone basics like whether a puck was over the goal line.

And that's all well and good. But that's today. Tomorrow, or the day after, or someday down the road, something's going to happen that will result in somebody calling for more replay reviews.

Maybe it will be a high-sticking call where the player was actually clipped by a teammate. Or maybe a puck-over-glass that was actually deflected. Or a too-many-men call where the sixth guy didn't actually hit the ice until his man had reached the bench. Or a crucial icing call where a team had maybe reached the red line.

Whatever it is, somebody out there will suggest we make those plays reviewable. After all, we have the technology. Why not get it right?

So today, I'd like to address those people. When the day comes that we get to meet them, feel free to cut-and-paste everything below and send it to them.

Hello, future hockey fans.

Boy, that sure was a controversial call. Those refs, am I right? You'd think there'd be a better way. Hey, why not use instant replay review? The coaches could decide when to challenge, we'd end up getting the calls right all the time, and then everyone would be happy. What could go wrong?

I'm going to stop you right there.

I come to you from the distant past of many years or months or days ago, and I bring a warning. We went through the same sort of controversy you're living right now with offside and goalie interference, and we, too, thought that replay would fix everything. It didn't. It made everything worse.

It will probably do the same for you, too. Not necessarily—there are cases where replay works fine. But over the last few years, us hockey fans of the distant past have learned a few hard lessons. You should learn them, too, before it's too late.

So be it resolved that we never again add more instant replay until we've acknowledged and accepted these important facts. Let's call them the ten commandments of replay reviews and challenges:

1. The missed call you're mad about probably happens so rarely that changing a bunch of rules is an overreaction.

2. If you give them a challenge, coaches will inevitably end up using it way more than you ever thought they would.

3. As soon as you make something subject to review in the name of "getting it right", fans will expect you to get it right every single time, and you won't.

4. If you think replay will only overturn calls that are obviously and indisputably incorrect instead of fixating on too-close-to-call nitpicking, prepare to be wrong.

5. Even if your replay system works and gets almost everything right, fans will still complain about every call that goes against their team anyway, because that's what fans do.

6. Don't tell yourself that the reviews will be quick. They're never quick.

7. The officials will hate them, and they'll make sure you know it.

8. It's never a good idea to train your fans to react to an exciting play by saying "Hold on, this might just get overturned".

9. You can avoid all these problems with one simple fix: Don't add more replay.

10. Seriously, just don't.

Thanks for reading, NHL fans of the future, and sorry about our haggard appearance. We know that we're a wretched, pathetic lot right now. But if we can be your cautionary example, then maybe all of this will have done some good.

Just don't ignore us. You know, the way we did to those fans from 1999.

Obscure former player of the week

So the Canucks haven't scored in three straight games, giving them a shot at setting the modern record. The key word there is "modern"—even though we're suffering through a two-decade Dead Puck Era, there was a time when goals in the NHL were even harder to come by. The low point came during the 1928-29 season, when the average game featured fewer than three goals. That season's Chicago Black Hawks managed just 33 goals in 34 games, and at one point went a ridiculous eight straight games without scoring at all.

So today, let's bestow obscure player honors on the man who finally broke that streak: Johnny Gottselig.

Gottselig grew up in Regina, Saskatchewan, but he was born in Klosterdorf, a small village that was then part of the Russian Empire. This fact isn't recognized in some history books, since he spent some of his youth pretending to have been born in Canada to speed up border crossings, but he was one of the first Russian-born players in NHL history.

He made his debut with the Hawks as a left winger for that 1928-29 season and scored just five goals that first year, which doesn't sound like much but was good for third on the team. Perhaps the biggest came one minute into the team's Feb. 5, 1929 game in Detroit, when Gottselig's goal snapped that eight-game drought. Like many goals scored that season, it held up as the winner in a 1-0 final.

Gottselig went on to play 16 years with Chicago. He recorded a pair of 20-goal seasons, finished third in Hart Trophy voting in 1939, and won two Stanley Cups. The second of those came in 1938, when Gottselig was captain, and he'd later coach the team for four years, making him both the first European-born coach and Cup-winning captain in league history.

New entries for the hockey dictionary

Lower standings injury (noun) – Hockey fans are familiar with the league's insistence on never telling us which players have which injuries. Instead, we get the "upper body injury" and "lower body injury" designations. Those terms are largely useless and they annoy you, but you're an NHL fan and the league hates you so screw you.

But these days, there's a far more important type of injury gripping the league. You can see them popping up in places like Buffalo, Arizona, Vancouver, and Ottawa. Montreal has a ton, including to most of their best players. It's the dreaded last-season injury that shuts a player down for the rest of the season, as long as that player happens to be playing for a team that's well out of the playoff race.

Nobody knows why so many of these injuries happen at this time of year, and only to the bad teams. Clearly it can't be tanking, because we've been assured that doesn't exist. So chalk it up to bad luck, I guess. Every year, some poor team that's already headed toward securing the best odds for the draft lottery suddenly has all their players get hurt. It can be a terrible thing—some of the dozen or so Maple Leafs who all suffered the same fate back in 2016 still haven't recovered.

The phenomenon happens often enough that it needs a name. So forget about the standard LBI and UBI—we're introducing the LSI. A lower standings injury is anything that removes a key player from a terrible team's lineup just in time for a late push for lottery odds.

(Incidentally, you may be wondering if there's such a thing as an upper standings injury. There is, although those tend not to be as serious, and only ever impact teams that already have their playoff seed locked up. For reasons nobody can figure out, teams fighting for a wild-card spot somehow manage to remain completely healthy.)

Researchers are working to find a cure for lower standings injuries. We're trying to get a few strands of Oscar Klefbom's DNA to figure out why he's the only one who's ever been immune to the condition. In the meantime, please say a prayer for all the LSI victims who've already been identified, and the many more we'll be hearing about over the next few days and weeks.

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

It's St. Patrick's Day this weekend. Say those words to most people, and they'll start thinking about green beer and leprechauns. But say them to old-school hockey fans, and they'll start thinking about the St. Patrick's Day Massacre, the infamous 1991 brawl between the Blackhawks and Blues.

Well, "brawl" isn't quite accurate. No, the Massacre actually refers to several brawls that took place over the course of the game. The most memorable of those is the one you're probably thinking of when you hear somebody reference the Massacre: Scott Stevens and Dave Manson squaring off at center ice for one of the great one-on-one showdowns in hockey history. We gave that one the YouTube breakdown treatment a few years ago.

But that fight never happens if it's not for an incident earlier in the game that set the tone for the rest of the night. So today, let's go back the most famous moment in the history of the Blues/Blackhawks rivalry, and then go back just a little further to the earlier brawl that set the stage.

This is, as will soon become clear, the local Chicago broadcast of the game. Our play-by-play voice is Pat Foley, and fair warning, he's going to get just a little bit homer-y here. Ordinarily that's annoying, but we can't stay mad at the man who gave us the wee-knee clip, so he's forgiven.

So we're just under six minutes into the game, with Chicago leading 1-0. In theory, it's an important game, with just two weeks left in the season and these two teams battling for the Presidents' Trophy. But as we're about to find out, the Blues have come to town with another priority in mind: dishing out some payback to Jeremy Roenick.

This all goes back to a game between the two teams a few weeks earlier, one that had featured a hard hit by Roenick on Bob Bassen. That had led to legendary Blues GM Ron Caron calling out Roenick as a dirty player in an epic rant that included lines like "He doesn't pick on someone who could beat him up, he hits you from the blind side and takes off," and "Because he's young, talented and cute, he gets away with that." Ron Caron was the best.

Back to the March 17 game, and our clip picks up in the aftermath of another big Roenick hit, this one against Harold Snepsts. We join the action right after, and if you watch carefully you'll notice something unusual at the 0:03 mark—a Blues player hops off the bench and joins the scrum. That turns out to be important.

Roenick's timing isn't great on this one, as the Blues have several tough guys on the ice for this shift. That's right, teams used to dress multiple enforcers for each game and play them on the same line. Why yes, the NHL was an interesting league to watch in the early 90s, thanks for asking.

One of those tough guys, the fantastically named Glen Featherstone, goes after Roenick, but Keith Brown steps in to save his smaller teammate. Within seconds, Featherstone's jersey is over his head and Brown's helmet is covering his face and neither guy can see anything. Do they stop throwing haymakers? [Checks notes that just say "It's the Norris Division."] No they do not.

As that fight is getting broken up, the Blues start chasing after Roenick. First it's tough guy Darren Kimble, and then Kelly Chase shows up. Chase had been called up for this game, pretty much for this specific purpose. He's also the guy who left the bench at the beginning of the clip, temporarily giving the Blues an extra man in the fight and earning himself a ten-game suspension. He doesn't really get to Roenick, but in the commotion Kimble circles back and starts throwing sucker punches.

Fun fact: Every 80s and 90s brawl features at least one player you recognize but swear was too young to be in the league at the time. For this brawl, the role will be played by Rod Brind'Amour.

The Blackhawks bench nearly empties, which would have been the first bench-clearing brawl since 1987. There hasn't been a full-scale version since, although we've had a few near-misses at the end of periods. I don't know what it would take to cause another one after three decades, but I'm sure Brad Marchand is working on it.

We see Kimble leave the ice, which reminds us of two things: his hockey hair was amazing, and it was completely insane that visiting players had to walk up and down a flight of stairs with no hand railing at the old Chicago Stadium.

"And now Snepsts is going to try to get at Yawney!" Admit it, for a second when you heard that you thought the Blues were trying to fight this guy.

The officials try to clean up the remaining scrums while Foley breathlessly vows that the Hawks can't be intimidated and Snepsts makes crazy old-man eyes at everyone. Meanwhile, the Stadium organist hits us with some Phantom of the Opera. Good times all around.

The two teams mostly behaved themselves for the rest of the period before resuming hostilities in the second, which is when the second line brawl and the Manson/Stevens showdown happens. What can I tell you, both teams had Sutters on the coaching staff, so this was all pretty much inevitable.

And that's about it. The second half of our clip is just a replay of basically the entire brawl, because back then you had to kill some time while the officials sorted out all the penalties. And there were plenty in this game—278 PIM in all, including 13 ejections. The league also handed out 22 games worth of suspensions. We all agreed that this was a terrible thing, and the NHL would be a far better place if this sort of nonsense never happened again.

[Spends the next three hours watching Norris Division brawls on YouTube.]

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.

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