#sorry for not answering asks and the like. i'm lacking energy rn

[buglaur]

trying to rebuild the reshade preset after the gshade catastrophe 

i miss her

[variantia]

BELLUM. wehhhhh I definitely gotta get stuff done today <3

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[goldenempyrean]

Maybe one with a sick Kate x reader with “I’m just a little under the weather that’s all” and “Did you come home just to look after me?” You always write Kate so well 💕💕💕

Dork-A-Saurus-Rex

〚 Notes - I wrote this last night just because honestly this req was collecting dust in my inbox and it deserved to be done :) Also God the level of hate on here rn is unbelievable :,) Still doing my 1k fics too dw!! 〛

〚 Pairing - Kate Bishop x Reader 〛

〚 Summary - When Kate decides shes gonna go home to rest, you already knew that you were going to be right there beside her. Cute, dorky comfort ensues. 〛

〚 Wordcount - 1600 〛

〘 Check Out My Masterlist! 〙

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“Hi Kit-Kat.” Your cheery voice chirped down the phone, as you sat in the break room of your office, “You on you’re lunch break now too?” You asked before taking a bite from the sandwich in your opposite hand. 

“Yeah I’m on my break now too.” Kate responded only her voice sounded different - it lacked her usual energy and excitement. But there was something else too and it wasn’t until you heard her sniffle quietly that you finally registered what was wrong. 

“Are you feeling oka-“  

“Hh’utshhiew!” Her sudden sneeze cut you off from your question and you could practically hear the embarrassment in her tone when she quietly mumbled out a small, “Excuse me.” 

You shook your head out of habit and gave a sympathetic sigh, “It’s okay, bless you. I was going to ask if you were feeling alright but I think I’ve already got my answer. I guess that lil’ nose of yours jumped ahead to reply.” 

She hummed in response and you heard the sound of tissues being opened in the background, “I’m just a little under the weather that’s all. There’s been something going round all week.” 

That part was true. You remembered her saying something about being short staffed due to everyone being out sick, if you’d been a little wiser you would’ve taken that as the hint to stock up on some medicine and tea. 

“Im probably gonna go home early.” Your girlfriend’s slightly congested voice said finally and you couldn’t help but worry a little.  

She was usually so stubborn about these sorts of things, there’d been that once time when she’d spent the night throwing up and had still insisted on going into work the next day. So for her to admit she was thinking about coming early was definitely a sign that she really wasn’t feeling too good and that she definitely needed some TLC. 

“That’s probably a good idea baby, you go home and rest, okay? Oh, did you have your lunch yet?” You asked softly, she sometimes had a habit of forgetting to look after herself properly and you knew that this would only make her feel worst. 

There was a second a silence followed by a quiet, “Not yet, I’m not really in a mood for it. It’s like I- Hih- shit, my nose fricken itch-Hh’iiitshoo! ‘tschioo!” She sniffled, giving a small stuffed, exhausted exhale as you heard the sound of more tissues being drawn, “Sorry sweetie, s’cuse me. What I was trying to say is that I don’t really have an appetite. It’s just like food has no appeal whatsoever.” 

"Aw, my poor baby," you cooed sympathetically. "I'm sorry you're feeling like this. It's no fun being sick. You get yourself back home and into bed. My lunch is almost over so I need to go but I want you to go straight home, alright?” 

“I will.” She stopped to cough a couple of times, whining a little afterwards, “I lodes you.” 

You smiled, finding her congestion-hazed words utterly adorable as you teased her a little before ending the call, I ‘lodes’ you too.”  

It wouldn’t just be her going home early though. You’d just finished typing out the email to your boss asking if you’d be allowed to call out early, offering to take up some extra hours in return later in the week.  

With the email sent, you quickly finished up your lunch, feeling a mix of concern and anticipation to see Kate. You gathered your things, bid your colleagues farewell, and headed out of the office, making your way to the parking lot. 

As you drove home, your mind raced with thoughts of how you could take care of Kate and make her feel better. You made a mental note to stop by the pharmacy on your way home to pick up the supplies and you tried to make a list of things you would need: cough drops, some medicine, tissues, and definitely some ice cream (for her throat of course, not just to satisfy your carvings. 

Arriving at your apartment, it wasn’t long before you found Kate curled up on the couch, wrapped in a cosy blanket as she wore your go to ‘lazy day’ outfit. She looked even more tired and worn out than you had expected. 

Setting down the bags of supplies on the coffee table, you approached her and gently placed a hand on her forehead to check for fever. It was slightly warm, confirming your suspicions. "Hey there, sweetheart," you murmured softly. "Let's get you more comfortable, shall we?" 

“Y/N? What time is it?” She mumbled quietly and you showed her the screen of your phone to answer, “Did you come home just to look after me?”  

You nodded, a tender smile gracing your lips. "Of course, my love. I couldn't bear the thought of you being sick all alone. Plus, I missed you, even if you're a little under the weather." 

She let out a weak chuckle, sniffling and rubbing her nose with the back of her hand. "You're such a sweetheart.” 

"Anything for my Kit-Kat," You replied, using the endearment that always brought a smile to her face. "Now, let's get you settled in bed. I'll make you some tea and bring you a bowl of soup. How does that sound?" 

She nodded but then stopped when something else came to mind, “Do you think we could shower first? I’m kinda sweaty.” She grumbled in a disapproving manner earning a small giggle from yourself. 

“Of course baby, come on my dear, let me escort my fair lady to thy holy shower.” Your hand was offered out to her in an exaggerated, medieval manner resulting in a small smile from the feverish brunette as she took it gratefully.  

Kate sniffled as the two of you reached the bathroom and you curtesy’d with a welcoming smile as you opened the door for her. 

“You’re such a dork.” She giggled a little even though the action had left her coughing hoarsely afterwards.  

Turning on the shower, you let the hot steam fill up the room as you began carefully undressing her, making sure to shower her with kisses and love as you did so. You’d just gone behind her to unclasp her bra when Kate turned her to head to look back over her shoulder a little. 

“Y’know what you are?” Her words were a little blurred by both congestion and fever, maybe that steam was a little too hot. You’d make sure to turn that down before she got in. 

But still, you gave into her babble, “What am I sweetie?” 

“A dork-a-saurus-rex.” Katie smiled before ducking her head down into her hands as she sneezed loudly, which was quickly followed by a displeased “Ew… Gross-a-saurus.” 

You couldn’t help but laugh at the situation, “Come on then lil’ dino. Let’s get you washed, ey?” Your encouraging words were enough to coax her into the (now a lot colder) shower. 

As the water cascaded over both of you, you began slowly massaging her knotted shoulders. When you lowered your hands to your surprise l she turned as if she was going to hug you but instead she let her heavy head rest of your chest before ultimately wrapping her arms around you (turns out she wanted that hug after all). 

"You're taking such good care of me," she murmured, her voice muffled by the sound of running water. "I don't know what I did to deserve you." 

"You don't have to do anything to deserve my love," you replied sincerely, pressing a tender kiss to her temple. "Taking care of you comes naturally to me. Now, let's get you all clean and refreshed." 

Carefully, you reached for the bottle of shampoo and squeezed a small amount onto your palm. As you lathered her hair, massaging her scalp, Kate let out a contented sigh.  

"Mmm, that feels nice," she murmured, closing her eyes.  

You smiled, continuing to work the shampoo through her hair with gentle strokes. After rinsing her hair, you reached for the body wash and started lathering it up. As you began washing her back, Kate tilted her head back up to look at you. Her eyes were filled with gratitude and affection, despite the fatigue she was so desperately trying to fight. 

But to nobody’s surprise her fatigue won and you helped a very sleepy Katie climb out of the shower and get dry. 

Once she was wrapped up in a fluffy towel, you guided her back to the bedroom. The room was cosy and warm, the soft glow of the bedside lamp casting a soothing ambiance.  

You helped her into fresh pajamas, carefully tucking her into bed. "Alright, my sweet Kit-Kat, it's time for some rest," You whispered, sitting down on the edge of the bed and stroking her damp hair away from her forehead.  

She looked up at you with drowsy eyes, a faint smile on her face. "Thank you, baby.” She whispered, her voice hoarse and weak. "I don't know what I would do without you." 

You leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "You don't have to worry about that, my love," you reassured her. "I'll be right here by your side, taking care of you until you're back to your vibrant self." 

She closed her eyes, leaning into your touch as you continued to stroke her hair. "I love you," She murmured, her words barely audible. 

"I love you too, Kit-Kat," you whispered back, your voice filled with tenderness. "And I’ll be right here when you wake up.” 

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[youremyheaven]

💙

I don't have much to say except that I agree for the most part. Dating culture these days is toxic af and promotes hypersexual behaviour. You can either be a virgin or be in endless situationships bc most guys in their 20s rn think "relationships" are pointless. It's so shocking to me how men just expect to be served sex on a platter??? Like okay we'll have sex, do everything normal couples do but we won't call it a relationship and we won't commit to each other. There's a real erosion of values & principles. But on the other hand, I feel like another section of society is ultra conservative and committed to living the trad life. I don't think it's a good idea to put sex, intimacy and relationships on a pedestal. This is not to say it's not sacred. It is. But what makes something special is how we treat it. We must not elevate every experience to the godly realm because human beings are fallible and not gods and we'll only be disappointed in the shortcomings and lackings of our interaction when we expect godliness from them. People are flawed. We must love and accept each other as we are.

I'm of the opinion of that sex has become so easily available that most people don't bother forming a meaningful connection; this will lead to a sense of alienation and I'm sure 3-4 yrs from now we'll talk about how it's fcked society up. I'm actually pretty certain that there will be a time when dating apps are phased out as well. On the other hand, I don't want to think of love & romance as this once in a lifetime lottery akin to a religious experience. I believe you can love many people; people you truly profoundly connect to are probably going to be only a handful tho. Love is just love. It's like anything else. It doesn't matter if you had your first kiss at 15 or if you have it at 35. You don't have to look down upon others for indulging in things you're abstaining from.

I've been studying Tao Tantra and I realised that originally when these sexual practices were developed centuries ago, sex was understood as something that human beings needed to indulge in and good sex was considered an art in itself (hello Kamasutra), you had sex frequently and passionately but over the course of centuries, it's adopted a very puritan outlook where the focus is on preserving sexual energy (Tao originated no fap) which is such bs. Sexual energy is not some finite source that you can run out of. Granted that wanking off every day is kinda loser ish but suppressing your natural human nature is unhealthy af.

I digress. Sex & love are not non renewable sources. You don't run out of it. Ever. We are wired to love & make love. That's what I believe. You can have as many or as few partners as you'd like (my issue lies only with the quality of interactions you'd have with a partner since in our world most men are trash).

You can save yourself for later. You can do it rn. Its all up to you. I know it's hard being single when you're surrounded by couples but trust me there's enough love to go around.

Edit: I feel like I just emptied my brain out without really addressing or answering anything you asked me lmao I'm sorry 😐

[hamliet]

I know emotional energy plays a heavy role in shipping and character relationships, but do you think that emotional energy can become a substitute for looking at subtext and intention?

Is portraying a relationship that is more rooted in comfort (sorry i don't know how else to describe this rn lol) a bad thing? I guess this is a matter of personal preference too, but I was curious about your thoughts

Hi!

To answer your questions: maybe, no, exactly.

I'm going to start with the "exactly." Yes, it has to do with personal preference, 100%. A comforting ship appeals less to me than a challenging one.

That said, no, it's absolutely not inherently a bad thing.

However, I will say that it very, very much depends on the kind of story being told, on its themes, on the characters involved. Different dynamics suit different stories. In addition, comfort and conflict aren't mutually exclusive. I actually ride or die for "we've tried to kill each other, and so you're the one who knows more of me than anyone else, so I can turn to you in more ways than I can with anyone else."

For example, in RWBY, Ren and Nora are comforting childhood friends to lovers. But they still challenge each other in some ways (trying to allow the other to find who they are, etc.) As two kids raised alone with only each other to cling to, presented to the audience as a pair even before we delved into their pasts, the comfort aspect really works for their relationship. It's not my favorite RWBY ship, but I absolutely ship it because it works so well for their characters and for RWBY's themes about growing up.

In regards to emotional energy as a substitute, are you asking if fans can misread emotional energy for deliberate teasing or intentional foreshadowing? I apologize if I misunderstand this, and feel free to clarify! If this is what you mean, then yeah, I agree.

Writers can and do bait fans sometimes (cough, Zutara, even Black Sun). But fans can also misread/watch the story. I also do not think Kiribaku has any textual basis, but hats off to shippers, go for it.

For example, and this ties nicely into the "comfort vs conflict" idea about shipping: in RWBY, I do not ship Ruby and Penny, and it never even occurred to me that they were heading in that direction until fans started acting like it was set in stone, which I found baffling. I've written about the coding of said characters a bunch of times, so the retcon aspect is a part of it, but another aspect of it is that Ruby is comforted by everyone around her. Unlike Nora or Ren, she has a sibling with her, and her uncle. She's not someone who has been lonely and never had a friend besides Penny. Now, of course they had a special friendship, I'm not denying that. The point though is that her friendship with Penny wasn't a challenge to Ruby's worldview.

In fact, no one really challenges Ruby consistently, except Weiss, Qrow, and Oscar. Qrow's challenge isn't a positive challenge either, plus he's her uncle. Weiss does challenge Ruby, and honestly her platonic relationship with Ruby is probably one of the most important in the entire series, but there's no explicit romantic coding, while there is with Oscar. Ruby needs to grow since she's the main protagonist, and her struggle isn't about a lack of comfort or home, but instead a need to find the lost and do whatever she can to protect the world. It's what that protection looks like that she needs to mature in, and that's where the likes of Oscar comes in.

[friendofflowersandfrogs]

hrmmmmmakdjakjdl

I have asks in my ask box... but I don't feel like answering. Not out of lack of desire, but out of lack of energy to be in a conversation. Also out of lack of time atm. There are things I need to do rn. I'm just on here for a quick break and I can't really start any engagements TvT. I am aware that many of the asks are over 24 hours old. Doesn't change the fact that this is just what my life is right now and I'm doing the best I can for my mental health. It has nothing to do with you all!!! I'm just not at the best space for communication.

Listen. I'm so sorry if u sent an ask. I will get to it someday. I am on semi-hiatus for a reason tho. Please don't expect anything from me. Ik I haven't really obeyed my self inflicted hiatus, and it has been causing a toll on me so... I'm just gonna peace out today.

I'm so sorry. I love you all so so much. I'll come back when I have more time. Have a good day lovelies!!.

[daisyvisions]

Hello, I am here to embarass myself.

This morning I accidentally left like 15 minutes later than usual for my walk to work because I stared at the wall for too long after I first woke up.

About half way to work, I encountered a massive puddle that stretched a long ways down along a grassy area that I need to cross to get to my work building/complex, and I thought that if I jumped it instead of walking all the way around it I could save a few minutes. It also had a layer of ice over it that seemed pretty thick still so I was like okay that's probably fine.

I misjudged not only the width (especially since I am short 😔) but also the depth ??? (I think it may actually be a drainage ditch I don't pay attention to the ground in summer so idk) so anyway I got up to the knee on my right leg soaked in melty snow juice this morning because I didn't quite make the jump and also that ice was not thick 😭👍 luckily I stumbled forward with the momentum from my jump so my foot/leg was only in there a second and the water didn't have a chance to really soak in, but anyway.

I have a very strong love-hate relationship with northern winters. I really miss SEA weather sometimes bro.

Also work was very hectic and stressful today BUT I got a smoothie on my walk home so despite my damp leg+boot+sock and my absolute lack of energy after work, today was a win. 👍💜

sorry for the late reply! kajsdajksnd I HOPE YOU WERE OKAT AFTER THAT SNOW JUICE MOMENT 😭 I'd like to experience Northern winter at least once in my life (or winter generally) , I've never experienced snow at all!

and yay! im happy you got a smoothie otw home hehe I hope you were able to have a good weekend too! (I'm going through my asks rn so ill answers your others hehe) 💕

[basilly]

AYUP!

Hope this is ok basil!

I know you are busy rn so take your time!

I understand if you deny it!

You don’t have to give me the credits.

I’m sorry if i wrote him wrongly, and i understand if you deny it because of that

I’m not really sure how this is going to work because im really dumb. But maybe you can paste the fanfic part and make a post with it, only if you feel comfortable tho!

---

All platonic!

Song: Love Like You by Rebbeca Sugar

Reader x IRL! Wilbur

0,5 K words

y/n = Your name

y/u = Your username

Today insecurities and self-doubt were taking over you, luckily your best friend, wilbur, is here to assure that none of this is real.

--

You looked at your computer clock "2:24" and sighed to yourself.

Today has been busy, school, assignments, streaming, answering e-mails, and now, editing to post something on your youtube channel.

Your mental health also wasn't at its best. Anxiety and insecurities had been chasing you since the moment you woke up. The constant search for what people saw on you that could be special didn't help with your insecurities.

You finished cutting all the needed parts for your video. You sighed and got up, coming back to your room with a glass of water, taking a sip, you put the water glass on your desk. You proceed to open Discord, only to see Wilbur's user with a small green dot on its bottom left, indicating he was online.

You knew Wilbur for a long time by now. He was by far the one you most talked out of everyone in the SMP server. Being friends with him was one of the best things that happened in your life. He is just so special and sweet. You wondered how someone as amazing as Wilbur could be friends with you. Why? Out of all people, he choose YOU to start a friendship.

Opening your chat with Wilbur you sent a text to him:

y/u - AYUP

Wilbur - AYUP

Wilbur - why do you still awake?

y/u- Editing and thinking about some things.

y-u= What are YOU doing awake at this time huh?

Wilbur- I'm boreddd and don't want to sleep

The conversation seemed to have ended. When you hear a familiar sound coming from your Discord. Wilbur was calling you.

You accepted, only to be welcomed with a tired and unenergized "ayup"

The conversation was in a low tone, most answers and reactions being a hum or a small laugh due to the lack of energy when suddenly Wilbur asks:

"ey, what were you thinking about?"

You were a bit confused, but soon you remember the message you sent him earlier about what you were doing.

You stutter a bit for being caught out of nowhere.

"ah, nothing, I was just thinking about some things..."

Wilbur only hums, waiting for you to continue.

"I don't know... you are just so incredible, so nice to me, sometimes I think I'm not deserved of someone so nice... I wish I knew what makes you think I'm so special..."

"I wish I could be half of what you think of me..."

You gave a small laugh at the end of your statement, trying to lighten the mood.

"y/n! no! don't say these things!"

Wilbur said in a loud tone compared to the volume you were talking about before.

"You are one of my closest friends, you are one of the sweetest people I know, Just like every friend of mine, you are truly incredible y/n"

"Honestly, you are one of the best people I know. You are so special. You are a lot more of what I could have wished for y/n"

The silence showed presence for a few seconds when Wilbur interrupted it;

" I'm sorry y/n. It was all at once"

The man fell laughing and kept apologizing through his laughs.

After a few minutes in this situation, you and Wilbur kept talking until your sleep came.

Telling him to go sleep soon and take care, you ended the call, heading off to your bed, still laughing a bit at his sudden reaction.

-✒️ anon

YOO THIS IS SO GOODDD AJDBJA i love it🥺 tysm for even doing this, and if u ever want to write in the future PLS LET ME SEE UR BLOG<3

Imma link this direct ask- but DANG

[fairycosmos]

Sorry this is becoming a Long ask but. Yeah I always tried to be as conscious as possible as I could in the relationships of not being passive aggressive or anything like that but I guess the relationship OCD + long distance and inability to properly communicate a lot of the time is what messed it up and sure they had not great stuff they did sometimes but I feel like it's more on me since I'm older yknow? It was also my first proper relationship and neither of us told family bc LGBT stuff

HEY your recent ask just reminded me that i had a whole answer to this in my head and then got distracted by all of the shit w my mum :( im so sorry for the late response, but please know you didn’t pressure me or stress me out at all. i’m in a calmer mind state rn so i can respond more readily. anyway my first instinct is to say that you were very young. yeah, you were a year older but in this context it doesn’t mean much because you were both kids. even grown adults who don’t have to deal with mental health issues hurt each other (hopefully unintentionally) in relationships because lack of communication and honesty and being that close to someone for so long often leads to a lot of sensitivity and frequent misunderstandings. situations like this are rarely black and white where one person is 100% innocent and the other is 100% the bad guy. there is far too much nuance to judge it so such a standard, so don’t worry about basing your whole judgement of yourself from this singular relationship you had as a teenager. it’s ok to have regrets, in fact it’s perfectly normal and i would argue that it’s a good sign. it means you’ve grown as a person, that you’re able to look back and pin point what you would change about your own behaviour. that’s a skill a LOT of people never develop, and it will serve your future self so well. of course, mental illness doesn’t excuse abusive actions but they can help you understand why you were the way that you were and why getting help should always be a priority, maybe more so than dating if you’re in a really bad place. but as you’ve mentioned, you’ve been going to counseling and figuring things out and you should be so so proud of that fact, seriously. i think that you were both in a rather vulnerable position - not having outside support, doing long distance - and so while it’s alright to acknowledge your own mistakes, it’s not alright to continuously crucify yourself for something that is now beyond your control. i understand that lack of closure is an issue here - you apologized to your ex and they’re still mad at you. that must hurt, and it’s allowed to. because you’re clearly sincere. but one of the hardest parts about growing up is realizing that we don’t get to dictate how other ppl respond to us. we can change and grow all we want, but there are some people who just aren’t ready to forgive. and they don’t necessarily have to. the same can be said for you - you said they treated you badly at times, too. you don’t have to brush that off if you don’t want to, or if you don’t feel able to at this time. but your ex doing this doesn’t mean you’re some terrible, awful person. it’s just how they’re going to heal, and you get to decide how you’re going to, too. it may take a while to work through the guilt and to truly move beyond this, and that’s normal. you can take this all at your own pace. but i’d really urge you to practice some self compassion, even if it feels fake. your mental illness isn’t your fault, alright? and it’s absolutely natural to fuck up sometimes, especially as a 16 yo kid. you’re not even a quarter of the person you’ll grow to be someday, and there is so much room to learn from yourself as the years pass. little everyone has something they wish they’d dealt with differently, and the only productive course of action is to accept what cant be changed and to use it to develop a deeper understanding of what’s appropriate and what isn’t. you’re not a bad person. you’ve apologized and you’ve reflected. under these circumstances, that is good enough. try not to dwell too much while you’re in quarantine. meditate, self soothe, find a gentle distraction, take a bath, breathe and relax. also please call your counselor and let go of some of that nervous energy. it really will help, even if you have to froce yourself to. i’m sending you a lot of warmth and hoping you can let yourself just ‘be’ for a while. if you ever need a friend, feel free to hmy any time. and again im sorry for not getting back sooner and i appreciate how understanding you are