#sorry for the rant an irl friend is annoying the piss out of me trying to force me to listen to every single one of her songs

[xythlia]

ngl some tswift songs are good, but I just don't really like her & I think it has more to do with this insane parasocial image she has plus it left a bad taste in my mouth when an old moot back on my lurker blog was being racially attacked by other swifties (when she was a swiftie herself so I saw all this go down on my dash before she deleted bc of all this) & tons of other black fans of hers were like begging on here for her to say literally anything about the 2020 blm protests or just condemn the ppl throwing racist insults at fellow fans & she just.... didn't. just straight up checked out & left them to deal with it & whined about being pressured, which led to those black fans getting even more racist shit hurled at them by white fans & them getting blamed for her leaving tumblr. That really really left a bad taste in my mouth like how are u folding like a lawn chair against even the slightest pressure to take a firm stance on something? especially after the whole scene in her documentary crying about wanting to be more politically active & "on the right side of history" ok when are u gonna do that then? bc she didn't do it during tour stops in tennessee this year either, where the anti drag bills are the worst, despite parading drag queens around like show dogs in her rainbow capitalism music video a few years ago. that would've been a great time for some of that political activism to show up but instead it only shows up when it's about her & when it's convenient for her. she's nothing but a fence rider bc she doesn't want to isolate portions of her face base (which is gross considering how many of them are literal neo nazis). Plus she's not even a milquetoast feminist & her song the man isn't some feminist anthem because it's not about getting rid of the so called "man on top" or creating equity it's about wanting that place on top for herself without necessarily changing any of the bad things that man gets away with bc she wants to get away with it too. That's not feminism in the slightest. Not to mention it's impossible to ethically become a billionaire, which she's projected to be soon. Who makes all the million different cash grab vinyls & merch? what do they get paid? certainly not a fair amount if she's contractually ending up with the lions share of profit to be on track to become a billionaire. how much fucking pollution does she create by flying private from tour stop cities back to new york every single day to have dinner? the reason a lot of people dislike her is literally because of all that shit, it's not about internalized misogyny it's the fact that pretending to be some activist while being the most spineless person alive yet constantly being praised for it is fucking insane & people are allowed to point that out without constantly being accused of only disliking her because she's a woman. That's irrelevant to the conversation tbh & really infantilizes & undercuts the people trying to hold serious conversations about why nobody should look to celebrities as a cornerstone of their activism when celebrity activism usually looks exactly like that, whishy washy bullshit

[welcometogrouchland]

Hey dude I totally know how you feel wrt feeling like shit when people are negative about your hyperfixation. It really is the worst. I hope you can take some time to chill on your own today and take it easy, and hopefully things will get a bit better soon

Aw, first of all, thank you sm!! - the days almost up where I am but I think I'm gonna be indulging in a lot of creature comforts these next few days as I try to meet my deadlines and get through things. Lots of comfort movies and hot water bottles 💙

Second of all, RIGHT?! IT'S THE WORST MAN!!! I was thinking about the latest owl house episode when I wrote those tags because the thing is, I don't think it's perfect and i outlined my thoughts on why shortly after it aired, but overall I wanted to focus on the parts of the episode I did like because. That's fun for me! And easy! And I want fandom to be a fun and easy hobby like most people! But engaging with stuff outside my bubble has been more angst than it's worth, y'know? Obviously I don't think anything is immune to criticism and I think there's a line between things that need to be discussed at some point in order to have a full, informed picture of the work and it's flaws but then there's just. People being annoying in tags.

Again I can't tell if it's me being too autistic for this stuff, being too emotionally burnt out to process external criticism of things I love, or if it's just me getting increasingly more pissed off with a lack of understanding of who's in what tags and why (something I'm sure has always existed and factored into fandom discussion and discourse but which I'm getting a lot more often rn bc of the things I like and the communities that attracts. Aka cartoon twitter /j). Frankly the amount of disclaimers I've put in this unsolicited rant just shows how getting your interests constantly dunked on makes you insecure about them. I will say though that I am really lucky to have irl friends who also share my interests. It's new and weird and I love it.

Sorry for the rant, thought dumping is just therapeutic for me sometimes. I hope you have a good day too <3

[aominetchi]

Little rant, loves

I have played overwatch about over a half year now and I have noticed some thing while I have been playing. I wanted to write them down and list them. And this is just because I want people to understand some things about this game, actually, about this community.

!This is just my opinion and things I wanna personally say. If you don´t agree with me, don´t even bother to write down your comments!

(my english ist so good, sorry for that!!)

Quick play/ Arcade

1. Don´t be so mean/rude

- You have to remember this is just a game. Its nothing so important that you have to be mean to others. I have played so many games where people are really rude in chat.

- Example one person told me to fuck off, one person said that I suck and one person said TO MY FRIEND that she should kill herself in irl. Do you think that that is right to say? Hm? No. Its not.

- If you are pissed off, just calm down and leave OR just play and be quet.

- I can be pissed off too, but I stay quet and play my came without being rude to others. I recommend that to yall.

2. Dont blame others by your mistakes

- I have seen players who suck by them selfs and then blame others. Its not right to say others that they suck because your own mistakes. Learn from your mistakes and next time fix them.

3. Dont go SOLO

- This is really annoying, for real. This is teamplay, teamgame mostly. So don´t go solo and die AND then yell to the healers because they didn´t heal you. Why they didn´t? Because they stayed with team and helped them. What you did? You played solo, not with team.

- When solo is okay? Its okay when you are trying to ult. I do this with mccree. I stay with the team but when my ult is ready, I try to find good place to use it. Its okay also if you are sniper. Thats obviosly meant to be solo.

4. Smurfs.

- I will just leave this here.

5. Easy

- *Inhales* Shut up

- This is really ANNOYING. I understand that some matches were easier than others BUT you don´t have to say it out loud. It might make some players feel really bad and feel like they were nothing. And sometimes this makes me feel frustrated too. I tried my best and all I was is easy?

- One time when I was playing with my friends the match was really intense and we had hard time to capture that are to ourselfs. Even that fucking overtime came and we were in full attack. Well, we finally captured  it to youselfs and finally payload moved. Then, one of our team mates comments in chat: ”So easy”… HONEY, that totally wasn´t easy. I realized that player tried to just annoy the other team. THAT IS SO STUPID. *sigh*

Practice vs. AI

1. Dont be your main

- This is frustrating to see. There are players who are trying to learn play or are trying to learn play with new hero. So if you are just going there to get easy play of the game or show your skills: fuck off.

- That place is just for training, not for those who just wanna mess around. Go there to learn new, don´t go there to just be your main hero and ruin everybody elses practice time.

Things you should do!

1. Be kind and respectful

- Everyone should remember this. Not just in games, in real life too.

2. Praise

- When game is ending its really sad to see (mostly) how much negative things are said in chat. Like ”my team sucks” ”noobs” ”you didn´t even try” ”where was my heals??”

- It would be nice to see something positive sometimes. Really! I´m trying to be positive and praise players after our game. Example one time I praised one good Mccree player because that player was so awesome! And that player was in enemy team

- It makes this game much better if there is even some positive energy!

- And one time when I played Hanzo and did something awesome with my ult, one enemy player praised me and where happy for me. It felt really nice. Like really nice. Because instead of negativity there was some positivity!

- So try to praise good players. It makes everything better!

3. Try to understand

- Sometimes there are players who has just started to play or there are low level players who just came in your game. They are learning, they are trying and most importantly they are there to play for them selfs and for fun. SO DONT BE MEAN TO THEM. Try to remember that one time you were same place as they are now.

I hope that you read all and agree with me and if you dont: dont say anything!

Me and my friends are always discussing about these when we play together. We all agree.

Be kind and play wisely!

[pepperstrawberry]

Pepper Rambles...

Okay, because of the vibes of tonight, I kinda wanted to get some feelings out in the open. Sorry that this gets a bit long...

First, this post isn’t about calling anyone out or trying to make them feel bad.  this is not about making them think or forcing them to respond. The exact opposite actually. This is a post less about ‘friend x should respond more’ and more ‘I need to chill and step back and know that they got their own stuff to deal with’. And no, this isn’t about a particular friend or two. It’s something that hits me any time I’m chatting with really every friend I have. 

I’m sure a lot of my mutuals can totally grok this feeling: Anxiety. I never thought about it much till the last couple of years. It’s kinda funny, the more you think about it, the more it seems to have strength, but ignoring it can cause the very thing you are worried about. It’s kinda a pain. Like, there are times where I worry about overstepping bounds with friends, not being there enough, causing them too much stress, being too corny, or coming across as fake. Stuff like that.

It’s also why I worry every time I post a rant. Did I think it through enough. Am I in the right? Am I in my ‘lane’? Am I even keeping on topic. Last year’s mess with the announcement of things like the first Mythic Edition and the novel as well as things having to do with my job really really put me into a bit of a spiral, as well as feeling like I somehow missed my artistic chances.

It’s one thing to worry, but when you start getting anxious, you start to pester others more and then less, way less. It warps your senses, sometimes a little sometimes a lot. I have friends I don’t talk with much partly cause I don’t have much to say (which is fine) and other times because I worry that I don’t want to annoy them or piss them off, or bring back memories of things I did do or things I thought I did, or things I did do but I’m blowing out of proportion.

The bottom line is that it can mess you up.

The most important part though is that your friends are still your friends. it’s just sometimes harder to tell because they are on the net rather then right in front of you (not that this can’t happen ‘irl’, cause it does, but the element of being text only adds a layer to the whole issue).

And this post isn’t looking for sympathy. Again, it’s the opposite. This is a thank you post. I’m so glad I have the friends I do. That despite my worry, despite being anxious, they are still my friends. They still laugh with me, they are still happy to see my posts, they are still there, even when we don’t talk much.

I just have to remember that sometimes when I get extra anxious that it might smoother or stress some folks out and I need to take a step back and breath. I need to remember that just because I get no response when I send a message doesn’t mean they don’t like me or something. Hell, half my friends have issues of their own. Some are similar, others are dealing with irl stuffs, some just aren’t sure how to respond.

I know that I have a hard time responding myself to some things. A friend relayed earlier today that their pup was going to be passing away soon. And at the time, I didn’t have any good words or anything. Partly as I was super tired, and partly cause I worry about how to approach subjects of death and memory. Sometimes it comes to me like second nature, other times just thinking of the well wishes I send feels hallow, like I”m just making a token effort or something, even though I really mean the words and want to help.

Having the issues I have gives me insight (at least some) on the issues others have, and while it causes my anxiety to flare up a little, it helps to quell it just as much if not more. Some friends got things to do and so many other folks chatting with them. Some have food to eat and messages get forgotten. Some are just as anxious as me in interacting. And yes, sometimes they -are- annoyed by me, but that isn’t hate and sometimes they need space to breath.

Today it’s feeling like both the community and myself are getting back in the swing of things (not connected directly mind. just coincidence). Hell, not one, but TWO of my posts here and on twitter have gotten huge attention. Friends I haven’t chatted with in a while I’ve chatted with (even if just a little) again. The community is a buzz with hype for the new magic set, but also a wave of creativity and the spreading of good vibes feels stronger then before. It feels closer to the excitement when Kaladesh was on it’s way then it was when we were in last summer into the fall.

But in that, some of my old anxieties have either come back or were brought into sharp focus for me. I worry like I sated above, and even worry with my art and opportunities. I got a big hit from my posts, both in followers and attention... but I feel like I am -not- in a position that makes it matter in a way that I can turn it into something I could do for a living. And I want to do just that. Yes, I do art for fun, but I also want art to be what I do. With folks like Doug Beyer even seeing my silly comic, I feel at once that I have a shot at doing something with my work and like I might miss the window cause I’m totally unprepared... When I just need to stop worrying and keep going. Getting known for a silly comic doesn’t necessarily pigeon hole me and not posting constantly doesn’t mean I missed my chance.

 And so I make this post.

For myself, for others like me.

I don’t make this post for sympathy. Basically its to remind myself: My friends are still my friends. And yes, sometimes you can worry too much. That my opportunities are still my opportunities. Again, if you worry too much, you could lock yourself in a loop and get nothing done.

And more then a reminder, it’s a look forward. I have always had potential to go far with my art. It’s always been there. Silly art, serious art, I know I have my fans... Oh god, I do have fans, don’t I? Like that just hit me. And in this time, while I have a moment between jobs, I need to take a deep breath, see my anxiousness, pat it on the head, and put it too the side, roll up my sleeves and get stuff done.

Sure, some levels of anxiety can need actual therapy and medicine to conquer, and the second I get my benefits back, I’m getting in there to get the help I need. But right now, between the joy and warmth I got from the posts the last two days and all my wonderful friends, I am in the eye of the storm right now, and I am going to keep pressing on while I have the moment. While my Anxiety and depression is small and manageable. 

Don’t ignore your anxiety, but don’t let it rule you either. remember that even when it’s right, it tends not to be -as- right as you think it is.

I want to thank all my friends for being there for me, for sticking around even when I’m annoying, and for being the wonderful folk they are. And I want to thank my followers too. For those that have stuck around over the years. Through times of inactivity and through times when I kinda went of the rails.

I love you all.

And to my new followers, I hope I can continue to provide you with the amusement, awesome, and good vibes you came here for.

[catathyst]

I hate today

First off, it started amazing

First off, I had a dream, was a pretty nice dream too, I was in my grandmother's apartment, I gave people phones, Danny devito was there for some reason, the court where my grandmother's apartment looked basically the same as it did irl, just more green and clean, then I turned left at where the other court shoul be, it's a sand like city, it was more dirty, and no trees or buildings to be seen, but there was some cool stuff there

I wonder if that dream was telling me that the day started off great then turned bad but gets better at the end, hmmm

Anyways, I woke up, all happy for once, my mom left for work, told me my few chores for today, I told my friends about my dreams they told me about theirs,

THEN DRAMA OF THIS ONE PERSON COMES UP AGAIN

CANT GO 3 DAYS WITHOUT MORE OF THIS PERSON

Some time later, people were commenting on this image on twitter

Cause they didn't include the lesbian flag

Then someone commented saying "why do we still have the pan flag in here but not lesbian" then I commented on why were they trying to remove us pans, then more people show up saying things like "Pansexuality doesn't exist" or "bi = pan", and other things people were telling at me, one person kept retweeting my pro pan replies, explains the difference, and was literally bullying me, I told my friends and they were annoyed, I then told my two cousins in our group text chat

Big mistake

They started fighting about LGBT stuff too, and it started cause of me 3: I started 2 fights in the span of 6 hours, except this one was more of gender equality and who knew more, one cousin who was pro LGBT, just seemed so done with life and boys and with him (she's a lesbian), the other, the more anti LGBT cousin, I couldn't tell if he was actually depressed cause he kept saying really depressing stuff, or if he was trying to be manipulative like a sociopath, either way, horray I started another fight, ha ha...

And then I find out more shit about my ex friend, aka the person at the beginning, the girl kept harassing me, and my cousins are more pissed at eachother them ever

On the plus side, I talked with my friends alot today, and I think I just gained a new one :3

Sorry I had to rant here, didn't wanna rant on Twitter, I already screwed up with my friends today, and my best friend who usually hears about my issues was asleep at this time cause timezones and I feel he doesn't need to hear everything I'm going threw :

Anyways, I'm gonna go to bed, thanks for everything guys, I promise I will post art soon :3

[ts-seychelles]

EP. 13 - “The Last Check Mark I Need” - NICOLE

IDK WHATS GOING ON. But I don't trust Jared and nicole or Johnny. I think im going I don't wanna wrongly play. But them.not knowing the vote count is sketchy

This entire past tribal went horrible - Vilma went home and she was a huge ally who was very involved in my game, but I found out a few things of her not trusting me so BITCH BYE (jk ilysm) - Regan exploited our alliance that we had between me, her, Augusto, which was SO pointless on top of ALL OF THE REASONS where regan pissed me off today, but honestly, I don't feel the need to go into it again bc just lol at this point she's honestly fucking insane (sorry ily but you're fucking nuts) - Nicole just failed to understand why I voted for her, and I feel so bad about things, especially considering we hungout irl a few days ago, and I told her I wouldn't vote for her.. I also feel bad that Jared has turned into a lowkey sociopath this game and nicole is getting wreckt for it - This BAD PUBLICITY over this reward challenge when people dont want me going to ghost so they can kill me instead - Dan is PISSED at me for all of these chats getting exploited, being left out of the nicole vote and just the consistent lying to him. Jared played so many FUCKING games today that threw him, Dan and I under the bus, and it was just nuts, and he blew up both of our games in a way that wasn't necessary..... and there were just other ways to plan it out What I WILL say is that I'm turning Asya into like.... one of my closest allies bc I think she's fucking awesome, and I think we're in the same boat, and if it's up to me, I don't want her going anywhere.. I'm plenty okay voting out anyone who isnt augusto asya roxy at this point..... everyone else can probably burn? I'll see how long I can keep Jared around. Eventually, enough is enough and I may just have to throw in the towel and vote for Jared, but I'm going to try to not think about that bc my intentions are to still stay pure to Jared so GOSH lord help my soul

https://youtu.be/12RpRL81wjc

Lots to explain, let’s start off with the most obviously trivial. Regan talks about herself...a lot. Like, a lot. Regan is most definitely the most self centered person I’ve ever met. She knows it so like, it’s not mean that I’m stating it. But anyway every day in the tribe chat she goes on for sooooo long about herself and so I made a fun little game where when she sends a rant about her life I say “Merry Christmas Everyone”. It started on Christmas, so it wasn’t that funny BUT every day since it’s gotten progressively funnier and funnier. Ricky and Alex chimed in a few times and then I got Johnny in on it. It’s becoming such a moment every time it happens and the farther away from Christmas we get, the more ridiculous Regans responses get to it. Now, back to business. Last night I almost got voted out. I am BEYOND thankful that when I went to Ghost Island I was able to get the Sapphire Idol and will it to Jared during the second or third round. We have been trying to hold on it for so long in order to use it correctly to save both of us and tonight was the PERFECT oppurtunity. We not only did THAT but we flushed two idols since Regan used hers for no reason and Vilma left with hers. (I feel so bad I wish she would have used it and rocked out Johnny). Today I’ve made substantial progress with Asya and Dan but I really don’t think it’s enough. Which makes me nervous. I feel like going going home these next two rounds is going to be so sad for me. I have the fucking legacy advantage and having to give it away before I even can use it would kill me. Regan better calm herself with her agenda to get me out because if she doesn’t fucking relax I will 100% get her out with the legacy advantage just for fun. Finding a fourth to vote with us is going to be actually terrible. I’m hoping I can be immune so that the tables are forced to turn. I really don’t want to go. Maybe Jared will find something at ghost island to shake things up. I feel like crap about this game because Asya has painted a picture of how I COULD win. But that makes me feel like nobody will let me get that far. I just want to win so badly this is like the last check mark I need in order to feel successful in this community (as cheesy as it sounds).

So I’m really boo boo the damn fool huh. Vilma leaving last night was literally heart wrenching. After hosting her in Cayman Islands, she was probably one of the most deserving of the unfinished business casting. She’s an amazing person, friend, and ally. I really am gonna miss her a lot in this game. As it stands rn, everyone is being shady. Especially Johnny, but honestly, we been knew. Regan leaving the chat is fucking annoying. She’s unwilling to vote anyone but Nicole. I promised Nicole I wouldn’t write her name down this game, And I intend to make that happen. I wish there was a way that me and Nicole could lowkey get the votes split 3-3-1 on us this week to force a rock pull, but there’s literally no way. When I think about it, splitting up Nicole and Jared is smart, however, in my opinion the wrong person is on Ghost Island rn. I’d much rather vote out Jared than Nicole and that’s just that on that. I may honestly just throw a vote or self vote this round bc I literally can’t bring myself to vote out Nicole. If Nicole wins immunity, I am a little worried for my ass soooooo. Idk what’s best rn.

https://youtu.be/OSPsCvp7lmM

https://youtu.be/dLh35zpslXU

OKAY LISTEN..... I'm proud of myself bc I've gotten to that point of ORGs where I feel I'm done doing 800 long ass confessionals every round, but nonetheless, I've gotta do one each round, and I'm trying to make it good, so here's the content from my host chat about why im considering what im considering today: I am hoping that the Regan/Nicole thing continues until right before the vote, and this round is going to be everyone depending on my vote because I'm the swing, and I'm hoping people are going to be patient with what my decision is, because I'm likely not going to make it until right before tribal...... jk im voting for regan, but they dont need to know that ;) i know by voting out regan, im making it harder for myself to get to the end, but I'm REALLY trying to surround myself with threats so I can get to the end. I was the first person this season to make an "out there" game move, by playing my idol and taking out Ricky, and since them, i am trying my damnedest to just hold back my threat level, so people just let me go further and further. I don't have MANY options beyond that at this point Oop apparently regan is voting for me.. that's a mood Now here's me ranting about taking out Dan vs Regan: Regan is more easily controlled, and she has been working closer to me this entire game.. She is a goat and likely won't win at the end, but she's a very likely candidate to get to the end at this point just because she's such a goat Dan, on the other hand, has been a strong ally, but he voted for me once, and has been wishy washy with his allegiances since he voted for me the first time (when I used my idol), and promised us so many things, but Dan has pretty good relationships and is unpredictable, but he's sworn up down left and right that he wants finals with Augusto and I. The BIG reason for keeping Dan is that Roxy and Augusto, who are probably two of my top three closest, and most trusted allies, are going to be more reliant on me next round for numbers, and even more when it gets closer to the finals, they may feel more compelled to take me to the end because there are too many big threats left in the game but if i vote for regan then i might be jeopardizing my specific spot in the game, and I'd have the potential of my allies turning on me

(A LITTLE LATER)

So I guess here's an ACTUAL confessional since I haven't really planned on making anything else, but I feel bad Regan fucked my entire game up because she thought she was being cute after last tribal. Everyone was on a call during that reward challenge (not getting into it... literally fuck the hosts bc that changed the entire game, moving on), and they were all spilling shit because Nicole got mad that four people voted for her, and then Nicole and Dan both started making this game feel really personal, and honestly, it just felt icky to me that they were bringing it to a personal level when it was a game move. I understand what Nicole is going through bc (T B H Jared) Jared is a sociopath in games, and he really just doesn't have a chill switch sometimes, especially when dealing with nicole, so like..... idk, people started feeling bad for nicole bc jared YELLED at nicole after tribal on that call apparently, and ig it had to do with me, and more of an exposing me party YAY, but idk.. so I feel bad for her too I deem literally everyone in this cast currently a close friend, so this is never ever going to be an easy decision from here on out. Every decision is going to be painful. My entire plan for the day was to pretend to be indecisive about how I wanted to vote, when in reality all day, my intentions were to vote for Regan, however, things have changed sadly............... I'm voting for Dan tonight, and I don't see myself changing my mind before tribal for many of many reasons. I mostly just feel that if Dan stays, I could POTENTIALLY not have numbers next round since Dan is consistently playing double agent, and jared nicole and asya could come together and vote out either roxy or augusto, and then i'd be fucked, especially considering those are probably the two people im trying to get to the end with (without screwing over jared and losing his jury vote uwu) Also, the biggest reason I've gotta do this is to just not upset the people who've been the best to me since we've merged. Augusto and Roxy have been nothing but helpful to my game, and Dan was the FIRST of my allies to turn on me, and that still hasn't been sitting well with me since it's happened. I'm moreso doing this for my allies than anyone else, and knowing that Roxy, Augusto, Regan and I are likely not going to break until we get to the end ish? (But also Asya queen is getting to the finals if it's the last thing I do. Regan can LEAVE before Asya does, but that's besides the point hmmmmmm) My other big fear with voting out dan is that im voting out such a meat shield.. going into the f5 with any combination of asya augusto roxy regan puts me in a lot of trouble to get 5th or 4th, and I'm foreseeing a world now where I get 5th or 4th because those are the people I chose to go down the stretch with, but we'll see... I think I can maybe have a few tricks up my sleeves to attempt to get me there? oops?

IDK THE TEA IS THAT im voting johnny with nicole and dan and idk if i can pull this off

Nicole and I decided this plan to get it to be 3-2-2 and I’m so nervous it’s gonna fall through. I’m shaking in hangout rn omfg this is so stressful

[le-jour-il-pleuvait]

Petit rant

Ok I know no one cares but if you are reading this thx but I need to fucking yell this into an abyss (your dash) to get it out. So I started talking to this guy I met a few months ago and don't really know especially well but I wanted to get to know him, go out, low key boyf if you get me. We have similar interests, lots of things to talk about, but from the start this guy is well, vague as shit. I write it off as just being shy and busy, most guys from his school are like that. We keep talking, I'll send a meme and he'll reply after 5 hours with a 4 word sentence. It goes back and forth like this for a while, some meagre conversation before he needs to go. I'm frustrated with the guy, he's so evasive. But silly me cheers myself on, 11:11 wishing this guy would like me every night. "I'll grow on him." I assure myself. I wish someone would wake me the fuck up cause I never learn?? Get the hint??? Why do I do this to myself when he clearly isn't interested?? So my friends are telling me to ask him if he wants to go out, so one evening I pluck up the courage to. Me: hey I was just thinking we should hang out sometime?:) Him: sorry, but the holidays are getting pretty busy and hectic. Try combining work with study. Maybe some other time Me: sure thing (this last message was read with no reply) Don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being busy, I accepted that part fine. It's leaving me on read that rubs me the wrong way. Being left on read, or someone opening a Snapchat with no reply, I consider, one of the rudest things EVER. It's so rude to fucking see someone talking to you and not replying, it's like getting the silent treatment irl. And everyone who's experienced that knows that is annoying and rude AF. So I talk to one of my best friends who's incredibly popular and knows pretty much everyone. She had been one of the friends encouraging me to ask him. We talk for a bit, her comforting me as I was feeling quite rejected. She confesses she has something to tell me and then asks to face time me. So we face time and the day before she'd been at a pool party (I wasn't there/not invited) with this guy's best friend. She'd talked to the friend in a chill way, trying to get more info about the guy. Turns out, my guy WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. HE DOESNT CONSIDER ME A FRIEND. What the fuck ?! He legit talks to me for 4 weeks on and off, comments on my newest Insta post. Leading me on a tad?! I'm pissed because I had to find out through two other people what he really thought of me. The thing I don't understand is why I'm so repulsive?? Why does he want QUOTE ON MOTHER FUCKING QUOTE NOTHING TO DO WITH ME?! I deleted our dm convo, cried in bed for a bit, then decided I'm already depressed enough and didn't need something else to be sad about. I'll be sad later. But what about know? I'm fucking angry. If you don't like me come the fuck up to me and say it to my face. Don't play me. But since I'm a sad depressive fucko on the inside and out I'm still questioning why. I know I sound super ungrateful, I live in one of the most liveable cities in the world, have an amazing education and a somewhat good family. In my mind, in terms of luck with people and feelings, nothing last year or this year went right. I'm not gonna get into in, but it was shitty. Almost killed myself a few times. On NYE 2016, thought to myself, this year, will be the one that will go right. This one. I will feel loved and be strong enough for not only myself, but for all my friends. This year. And guess what? FUCKING 17 DAYS INTO JAN 2017 SHIT ALREADY HIT THE FAN AND I FUCKED UP. What did I do to deserve such misery. I better be god's mother fucking plan for something good if I've gone through all this. "Perhaps I don't deserve nice things because I am still paying for sins I don't remember." - Rupi Kaur This quote really hit me. I am... so tired. It'll get better. He's not the one. Next time. Your expectations are so high! All I hear these days. Maybe one day I'll get a little bit of luck. Lettuce pray. Am I overreacting? YOU DECIDE Thanks for listening if you read the way through, means a lot. Please hit up my messages if you wanna talk. I'm very lonely. Sorry if there's mistakes, I cbf reading back through. Xx - Pluvia